Loneliness in midlife often creeps in unnoticed.
You go through the motions—work, family, responsibilities—but something feels off.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
- Why midlife loneliness is so common and why it often goes unrecognized.
- Four powerful strategies to build deeper, more fulfilling connections.
- How small, intentional actions can help you feel seen, heard, and truly connected again.
Loneliness isn’t inevitable—you have the power to change it. Press play now to start turning up the dimmer switch on connection in your life.
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (2) (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover
(00:02):
how loneliness might be thehidden reason behind your
stress, boredom, or lack of joy.
welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
(00:22):
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Have you ever felt lonely?
Even when surrounded by people?
You're not alone.
Midlife can be one of theloneliest stages of life.
(00:42):
Yet few people talk about it.
In today's episode, we're gonnaexplore this often overlooked
reality loneliness in midlife.
In this episode, I'll share whymidlife loneliness is common,
yet frequently goes unnoticed.
Some indicators that your socialand relational wellbeing may
need a bit of a tuneup.
The impact of loneliness.
(01:04):
And four practical copingstrategies to strengthen your
connections so you can feelbetter.
Most importantly, I want you toput your loneliness into
context.
As always, I'll end with aninner challenge, something you
can start today to help easeyour anxiety.
You are not alone.
You are not a failure, but youare living in a culture that at
(01:26):
any age can foster lonelinessunless you take intentional
steps to prevent it.
The loneliness many of mymidlife clients experience is
something I first startedrecognizing 10 to 15 years ago.
My clients in their seventiesand eighties openly acknowledge
their loneliness without shame.
However, my midlife clients,whether they're 35, 50 or 60,
(01:51):
often don't realize that theirunhappiness is rooted in
loneliness.
Loneliness in midlife oftenlooks like going through your
daily routines surrounded bypeople, yet feeling unseen,
disconnected, and burdened byunshared worries and unmet
emotional needs.
Emotionally, you may feel empty,isolated, and longing for deeper
(02:13):
connections.
While battling self-doubt andsadness, your thoughts might
spiral into over analysis,questioning your worth, past
choices, and whether meaningfulrelationships are still
possible.
You may tend to think of alonely person as an 80-year-old
sitting at home watching TV allday.
In midlife, loneliness feelsdifferent.
(02:35):
It's the isolation anddisconnection you experience
while navigating a demandingday.
One of the first clients whomade me aware of this was a
highly successful woman whosought therapy due to
depression.
She had received a clean bill ofhealth from her doctor.
She balanced a demanding job,raised two kids, had a
(02:55):
supportive husband, and hadfamily living in the area.
She said to me, I used to enjoymy life, but now I'm just
getting through.
At first, her situation puzzledme.
She got enough sleep, ate well,exercised three times a week,
and had never really felt thisway before.
Then we looked at her phoneusage, which gave us a clue.
(03:18):
During the week she was too busyto scroll, but on weekends, she
spent up to four hours a day.
She explained to me my weekendsare my only downtime.
When I asked if she spent timewith friends on the weekend, she
hesitated before admitting notanymore.
Since everyone has kids, most ofmy friends are wrapped up in
(03:39):
their children's activities, sogetting together isn't possible,
and when we do the conversationsfeel competitive or surface
level, I leave feeling drained.
I even scroll through my phoneat my kids' games just to avoid
the small talk.
I asked her and later many of myother midlife clients what kind
of conversations she would liketo have with her friends.
(04:02):
She thought for a moment andsaid, I don't know, but
something that feels real.
That response struck me.
It reminded me of a conversationI had years ago with a friend,
30 years older than me.
I had just joined a mom's groupafter having my first child, and
it was my lifeline, naively, Iasked her, are you in a mom's
(04:24):
group?
She had six kids between ages ofeight and 16, and she laughed at
me and said, oh no.
Parents of teens don't havegroups.
We're too embarrassed to speakto each other.
We often hear aboutauthenticity, sharing your true
self with others.
But in my office, clients tellme how rare this actually is in
(04:46):
their day-to-day life.
One client shared how when shetold people about her sister's
cancer diagnosis, they oftenresponded by talking about their
own experiences with a loved oneI don't mention this to be
judgemental, but to highlight acommon communication pattern
that can feel very isolating.
What's the pattern?
Someone shares somethingvulnerable and instead of
(05:08):
responding, I am with you.
The listener shifts theconversation to let me tell you
about me.
this response doesn't fosterconnection.
Instead, it centers aconversation on the listener and
leaves the person who initiallyopened up feeling even more
alone.
Here's another example.
(05:29):
Just last week, a client walkedinto a session holding both joy
and frustration at the sametime.
She had received a long awaitedpromotion and on her way to
therapy, she stopped by herhusband's office to share her
fantastic news.
His response, a briefcelebratory hug, followed by I
wish I could get a promotioninstead of feeling proud and
(05:53):
excited, she left feelingdisappointed and even resentful
toward her husband.
He had let her accomplishmenthave four seconds, and then he
turned the conversation back tohis own career.
One of the most challengingaspects of modern life is that
we are incredibly self-focused,driven, and task oriented.
(06:13):
The fast pace of life, coupledwith constant phone use makes it
even harder to slow down andsavor moments, whether they
involve a celebration, like ajob promotion or hardship, like
a cancer diagnosis.
Coping skill number one is be abridge builder.
Notice how often when someone isvulnerable with you that you
(06:36):
turn it back on yourself andwhen you need someone to listen
to you, invite them to cross thebridge over to you.
It is perfectly acceptable tosay, I just found out something
about my sister.
Could you give me five or 10minutes of true listening so I
can share this with you?
You don't have to fix it.
(06:57):
I just need a listener.
There is probably nothing thatcreates connection more than
true listening, it is free.
It doesn't take much time, butit does take self-restraint and
intention.
Coping Skill number two is tounderstand, accept and
reprioritize the importance ofdeep relationships in your life.
(07:22):
I've worked with many peopletransitioning through major life
changes, empty nesters, thosegoing through divorce,
relocation, or retirement.
One common realization amongthem is this.
If you want a social life, youhave to create time and space
for it.
This is true in midlife as well.
Friendships can revolve aroundwork, kids activities or
(07:45):
hobbies, but you also needrelationships where you can
truly listen.
Be heard, find a couple peoplewho can hold space for you and
in turn commit to being a greatlistener for them.
If you're struggling withemotional connection in your
marriage, consider whether yourrelationship is driven by tasks
rather than emotionalconnection.
(08:07):
Whether it's with a friend or apartner coping Skill number two
encourages you to schedule timeto hear each other's lives.
Some couples call this holyhour, a weekly time to truly
check in.
Personally, I walk with a dearfriend every week, and those 45
minutes are like oxygen for bothof us.
(08:28):
One of my favorite gifts inrecent years was from that same
friend, she gave me an ornament,commemorating nine years of
walking together.
Yes, we've married children,become grandparents and grieve
through the illnesses of veryclose and dear friends.
This Christmas, she gave me aframe picture with my personal
(08:48):
motto for the year, be a helper.
Did I feel seen?
Did I feel known?
Absolutely.
Coping Skill number three, justdo it.
One of the biggest challenges inadulthood is that no one is
setting up play dates for usanymore.
From childhood through your midtwenties, socialization was
(09:09):
built into your daily life.
You would see friends at schoolin activities or on campus.
You may have assumed thatfriendship would always be
effortless, but in midlife, youhave to actively create
meaningful social opportunitiesthat are nurturing to your heart
and to your soul.
Otherwise, you might findyourself like my client
(09:31):
scrolling on her phone at herkid's game just to avoid another
surface level conversation aboutsomeone's Pinewood Derby win.
Just last week I had a clientcommit to scheduling two coffee
dates this month with a friendshe feels a real connection
with.
Part of just doing it meanssetting specific achievable
(09:52):
goals, and if you tell someoneelse, you're even more likely to
be successful saying, I shouldask someone to coffee isn't
enough.
Be intentional and clear.
Coping skill number four,understanding that your
relationships will needconsistent nurturing.
Having reviewed thousands ofpeople's phone usage over the
(10:14):
past 15 years, I can confidentlysay we all have time to nurture
our relationship.
Here's one clever solution.
One of my clients has alwaysbeen close with her cousin, but
they only saw each other once ortwice a year.
After their last visit, hercousin suggested, why don't we
FaceTime twice a month like wedid during the pandemic?
(10:36):
She was amazed at how this smallchanged deepen their bond.
They even created a ritual.
Each call starts out with thebest thing that happened since
they last talked, followed bythe worst.
Then they strategized on how tocreate more of the best and
minimize or change the worst.
This simple, intentional act ofnurturing a real authentic
(10:58):
friendship has beentransformative for her.
Perhaps you're listening andthis episode is actually making
you feel worse because you can'tthink of a friend or two who you
could actually call for coffee.
You are not alone.
You might be asking yourself,how did I get here?
I used to have friends.
Let me explain.
(11:20):
Loneliness in midlife is oftenlike a slow dimming of a living
room that at one time wasbeautifully lit up with a number
of can lights.
At first you didn't notice thesubtle shift.
The daily demands of work,family and responsibilities keep
you moving.
But over time, the glow of deepconnection fades and the room
grows dimmer one light at atime.
(11:42):
Conversations can feel moresurface level.
Friendships become moretransactional, and the warmth of
truly being seen and heardstarts to flicker.
Then one day you realize you'restanding in a space that feels
unfamiliar, still functioning,still moving, but missing the
brightness of meaningfulrelationships.
(12:03):
And like dim lights, lonelinessisn't always obvious.
It settles in gradually, leavingyou longing for the warmth and
vibrance that once filled theroom.
But just like a dimmer switchconnection can be turned up
intentionally, steadily throughmeaningful conversations, small
acts of presence, and thecourage to reach out.
(12:26):
In this episode, you'vediscovered how midlife
loneliness often creeps inunnoticed, much like a dimming
light gradually fading until yousuddenly realize how
disconnected you feel.
You learn that while modern lifeis fast-paced and often
self-focused, building realconnection requires time,
intention, and action.
(12:48):
I've given you four copingskills to rebuild and nurture
your connections.
Your Inner Challenge this weekis to choose one action to
strengthen your socialconnections.
It could be as simple asreaching out to a friend for a
specific get together, a coffeedate, a walk, a phone call,
setting aside intentional timewith your partner, free from
(13:10):
distractions to talk aboutsomething beyond daily
logistics.
It could be Practicing betterlistening by responding to
someone's vulnerability withpresence rather than a personal
story.
Loneliness isn't inevitable inmidlife, it's something you can
actually change.
Take one small step this week toturn up the dimmer switch on
(13:32):
your connection, and I'll beback on Thursday to share the
biggest mistake and how toovercome it when it comes to
midlife and loneliness.
Thanks for listening to CreatingMidlife Calm.
In this episode, you'll discover
(00:02):
how loneliness might be thehidden reason behind your
stress, boredom, or lack of joy.
welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
(00:22):
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Have you ever felt lonely?
Even when surrounded by people?
You're not alone.
Midlife can be one of theloneliest stages of life.
(00:42):
Yet few people talk about it.
In today's episode, we're gonnaexplore this often overlooked
reality loneliness in midlife.
In this episode, I'll share whymidlife loneliness is common,
yet frequently goes unnoticed.
Some indicators that your socialand relational wellbeing may
need a bit of a tuneup.
The impact of loneliness.
(01:04):
And four practical copingstrategies to strengthen your
connections so you can feelbetter.
Most importantly, I want you toput your loneliness into
context.
As always, I'll end with aninner challenge, something you
can start today to help easeyour anxiety.
You are not alone.
You are not a failure, but youare living in a culture that at
(01:26):
any age can foster lonelinessunless you take intentional
steps to prevent it.
The loneliness many of mymidlife clients experience is
something I first startedrecognizing 10 to 15 years ago.
My clients in their seventiesand eighties openly acknowledge
their loneliness without shame.
However, my midlife clients,whether they're 35, 50 or 60,
(01:51):
often don't realize that theirunhappiness is rooted in
loneliness.
Loneliness in midlife oftenlooks like going through your
daily routines surrounded bypeople, yet feeling unseen,
disconnected, and burdened byunshared worries and unmet
emotional needs.
Emotionally, you may feel empty,isolated, and longing for deeper
(02:13):
connections.
While battling self-doubt andsadness, your thoughts might
spiral into over analysis,questioning your worth, past
choices, and whether meaningfulrelationships are still
possible.
You may tend to think of alonely person as an 80-year-old
sitting at home watching TV allday.
In midlife, loneliness feelsdifferent.
(02:35):
It's the isolation anddisconnection you experience
while navigating a demandingday.
One of the first clients whomade me aware of this was a
highly successful woman whosought therapy due to
depression.
She had received a clean bill ofhealth from her doctor.
She balanced a demanding job,raised two kids, had a
(02:55):
supportive husband, and hadfamily living in the area.
She said to me, I used to enjoymy life, but now I'm just
getting through.
At first, her situation puzzledme.
She got enough sleep, ate well,exercised three times a week,
and had never really felt thisway before.
Then we looked at her phoneusage, which gave us a clue.
(03:18):
During the week she was too busyto scroll, but on weekends, she
spent up to four hours a day.
She explained to me my weekendsare my only downtime.
When I asked if she spent timewith friends on the weekend, she
hesitated before admitting notanymore.
Since everyone has kids, most ofmy friends are wrapped up in
(03:39):
their children's activities, sogetting together isn't possible,
and when we do the conversationsfeel competitive or surface
level, I leave feeling drained.
I even scroll through my phoneat my kids' games just to avoid
the small talk.
I asked her and later many of myother midlife clients what kind
of conversations she would liketo have with her friends.
(04:02):
She thought for a moment andsaid, I don't know, but
something that feels real.
That response struck me.
It reminded me of a conversationI had years ago with a friend,
30 years older than me.
I had just joined a mom's groupafter having my first child, and
it was my lifeline, naively, Iasked her, are you in a mom's
(04:24):
group?
She had six kids between ages ofeight and 16, and she laughed at
me and said, oh no.
Parents of teens don't havegroups.
We're too embarrassed to speakto each other.
We often hear aboutauthenticity, sharing your true
self with others.
But in my office, clients tellme how rare this actually is in
(04:46):
their day-to-day life.
One client shared how when shetold people about her sister's
cancer diagnosis, they oftenresponded by talking about their
own experiences with a loved oneI don't mention this to be
judgemental, but to highlight acommon communication pattern
that can feel very isolating.
What's the pattern?
Someone shares somethingvulnerable and instead of
(05:08):
responding, I am with you.
The listener shifts theconversation to let me tell you
about me.
this response doesn't fosterconnection.
Instead, it centers aconversation on the listener and
leaves the person who initiallyopened up feeling even more
alone.
Here's another example.
(05:29):
Just last week, a client walkedinto a session holding both joy
and frustration at the sametime.
She had received a long awaitedpromotion and on her way to
therapy, she stopped by herhusband's office to share her
fantastic news.
His response, a briefcelebratory hug, followed by I
wish I could get a promotioninstead of feeling proud and
(05:53):
excited, she left feelingdisappointed and even resentful
toward her husband.
He had let her accomplishmenthave four seconds, and then he
turned the conversation back tohis own career.
One of the most challengingaspects of modern life is that
we are incredibly self-focused,driven, and task oriented.
(06:13):
The fast pace of life, coupledwith constant phone use makes it
even harder to slow down andsavor moments, whether they
involve a celebration, like ajob promotion or hardship, like
a cancer diagnosis.
Coping skill number one is be abridge builder.
Notice how often when someone isvulnerable with you that you
(06:36):
turn it back on yourself andwhen you need someone to listen
to you, invite them to cross thebridge over to you.
It is perfectly acceptable tosay, I just found out something
about my sister.
Could you give me five or 10minutes of true listening so I
can share this with you?
You don't have to fix it.
(06:57):
I just need a listener.
There is probably nothing thatcreates connection more than
true listening, it is free.
It doesn't take much time, butit does take self-restraint and
intention.
Coping Skill number two is tounderstand, accept and
reprioritize the importance ofdeep relationships in your life.
(07:22):
I've worked with many peopletransitioning through major life
changes, empty nesters, thosegoing through divorce,
relocation, or retirement.
One common realization amongthem is this.
If you want a social life, youhave to create time and space
for it.
This is true in midlife as well.
Friendships can revolve aroundwork, kids activities or
(07:45):
hobbies, but you also needrelationships where you can
truly listen.
Be heard, find a couple peoplewho can hold space for you and
in turn commit to being a greatlistener for them.
If you're struggling withemotional connection in your
marriage, consider whether yourrelationship is driven by tasks
rather than emotionalconnection.
(08:07):
Whether it's with a friend or apartner coping Skill number two
encourages you to schedule timeto hear each other's lives.
Some couples call this holyhour, a weekly time to truly
check in.
Personally, I walk with a dearfriend every week, and those 45
minutes are like oxygen for bothof us.
(08:28):
One of my favorite gifts inrecent years was from that same
friend, she gave me an ornament,commemorating nine years of
walking together.
Yes, we've married children,become grandparents and grieve
through the illnesses of veryclose and dear friends.
This Christmas, she gave me aframe picture with my personal
(08:48):
motto for the year, be a helper.
Did I feel seen?
Did I feel known?
Absolutely.
Coping Skill number three, justdo it.
One of the biggest challenges inadulthood is that no one is
setting up play dates for usanymore.
From childhood through your midtwenties, socialization was
(09:09):
built into your daily life.
You would see friends at schoolin activities or on campus.
You may have assumed thatfriendship would always be
effortless, but in midlife, youhave to actively create
meaningful social opportunitiesthat are nurturing to your heart
and to your soul.
Otherwise, you might findyourself like my client
(09:31):
scrolling on her phone at herkid's game just to avoid another
surface level conversation aboutsomeone's Pinewood Derby win.
Just last week I had a clientcommit to scheduling two coffee
dates this month with a friendshe feels a real connection
with.
Part of just doing it meanssetting specific achievable
(09:52):
goals, and if you tell someoneelse, you're even more likely to
be successful saying, I shouldask someone to coffee isn't
enough.
Be intentional and clear.
Coping skill number four,understanding that your
relationships will needconsistent nurturing.
Having reviewed thousands ofpeople's phone usage over the
(10:14):
past 15 years, I can confidentlysay we all have time to nurture
our relationship.
Here's one clever solution.
One of my clients has alwaysbeen close with her cousin, but
they only saw each other once ortwice a year.
After their last visit, hercousin suggested, why don't we
FaceTime twice a month like wedid during the pandemic?
(10:36):
She was amazed at how this smallchanged deepen their bond.
They even created a ritual.
Each call starts out with thebest thing that happened since
they last talked, followed bythe worst.
Then they strategized on how tocreate more of the best and
minimize or change the worst.
This simple, intentional act ofnurturing a real authentic
(10:58):
friendship has beentransformative for her.
Perhaps you're listening andthis episode is actually making
you feel worse because you can'tthink of a friend or two who you
could actually call for coffee.
You are not alone.
You might be asking yourself,how did I get here?
I used to have friends.
Let me explain.
(11:20):
Loneliness in midlife is oftenlike a slow dimming of a living
room that at one time wasbeautifully lit up with a number
of can lights.
At first you didn't notice thesubtle shift.
The daily demands of work,family and responsibilities keep
you moving.
But over time, the glow of deepconnection fades and the room
grows dimmer one light at atime.
(11:42):
Conversations can feel moresurface level.
Friendships become moretransactional, and the warmth of
truly being seen and heardstarts to flicker.
Then one day you realize you'restanding in a space that feels
unfamiliar, still functioning,still moving, but missing the
brightness of meaningfulrelationships.
(12:03):
And like dim lights, lonelinessisn't always obvious.
It settles in gradually, leavingyou longing for the warmth and
vibrance that once filled theroom.
But just like a dimmer switchconnection can be turned up
intentionally, steadily throughmeaningful conversations, small
acts of presence, and thecourage to reach out.
(12:26):
In this episode, you'vediscovered how midlife
loneliness often creeps inunnoticed, much like a dimming
light gradually fading until yousuddenly realize how
disconnected you feel.
You learn that while modern lifeis fast-paced and often
self-focused, building realconnection requires time,
intention, and action.
(12:48):
I've given you four copingskills to rebuild and nurture
your connections.
Your Inner Challenge this weekis to choose one action to
strengthen your socialconnections.
It could be as simple asreaching out to a friend for a
specific get together, a coffeedate, a walk, a phone call,
setting aside intentional timewith your partner, free from
(13:10):
distractions to talk aboutsomething beyond daily
logistics.
It could be Practicing betterlistening by responding to
someone's vulnerability withpresence rather than a personal
story.
Loneliness isn't inevitable inmidlife, it's something you can
actually change.
Take one small step this week toturn up the dimmer switch on
(13:32):
your connection, and I'll beback on Thursday to share the
biggest mistake and how toovercome it when it comes to
midlife and loneliness.
Thanks for listening to CreatingMidlife Calm.
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