Ep. 147 How Midlife Anxiety Is Driving Your Isolation & Loneliness & 2 Powerful Ways to Reconnect

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Is your anxiety quietly fueling a sense of loneliness you can't quite name?
 
You may be crushing your to-do list but still feeling emotionally isolated or unseen, you’re not alone.  

In this episode you’ll discover: 

1. How anxiety masks itself as busyness, numbing, and overthinking in midlife
2. Why avoiding connection increases loneliness—and how to gently reverse it
3. Two powerful (and doable) coping skills to build real, nourishing relationships

If you're ready to turn up the light in your own life, this episode is your next step. Tune in now.

 

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Episode Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (2) (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover

(00:01):
how midlife anxiety is fuelingyour loneliness.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over

(00:23):
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Today we're following up onMonday's episode where we
explored loneliness in midlife.
Are you moving through your busylife, checking off the boxes,
getting lots done, but still notfeeling connected to others or
even yourself?

(00:44):
Do you carry worries andconcerns alone, not having the
time or a safe person to sharethem with?
Perhaps you find yourselfoveranalyzing doing what I call
both sides of the relationalequation, overthinking why
someone acts a certain way, butnot talking directly to them to
build understanding orconnection.
Or even worse, do you keep yourconcerns quietly tucked away,

(01:07):
leaving others unaware of howyou truly feel?
This can make you feel unseen,disconnected, emotionally
isolated, numb, and longing fordeeper connection.
This is midlife loneliness,being busy, getting through your
demanding days, but not feelingtruly connected to yourself and

(01:28):
those around you.
Midlife loneliness can lead to alow mood, increased anxiety,
irritation, and decreasedenjoyment of your daily life.
In fact, a third of adultAmericans experience loneliness
each week.
Your Inner Challenge this weekwas to choose one action to
strengthen your socialconnection.

(01:49):
How'd you do?
Did you text a friend for acoffee date?
Ask a work colleague to take awalk at lunch.
Invite your partner to listen toa difficult part of your day
without fixing it.
If so, good for you.
If not, take a moment to gentlyask yourself, why didn't I do
this?
No judgment, just curiosity.

(02:12):
Maybe you fully intended to sendthat text, but the week's
demands got in the way.
One way to overcome this is toset a simple reminder on your
phone, or my favorite, a Post-Itnote or tie the action into an
existing habit like I'm gonnatext my friend while I'm waiting
for my morning coffee to brew.
Maybe you really wanted to dothis, but reaching out felt too

(02:34):
risky, so you said to yourself,it's just too scary.
In today's episode, we're gonnaexplore the biggest culprit
behind this hesitationavoidance, and I'm gonna give
you two easy coping skills tohelp you move through that
avoidance so you can cultivatemore connection in your life.
Midlife loneliness is tricky.

(02:56):
It happens gradually.
As I said on Monday, I compareit to a well-lit living room
with dimmable lights.
You may look fondly on youryounger years, when connection
happened easily, You saw yourfriends at school in the
neighborhood, and you had lotsof social outings that were all
structured for you.
Throw in the demands of work,family, kids, activities, the

(03:16):
decline of social clubs, thefalse sense of connection from
your phone, and of course thepandemic.
And suddenly loneliness hascrept into your life.
Without even realizing it thelights in your living room have
been dimming slowly.
Leaving you to wonder is this,all life has to offer endless
tasks and responsibilities.

(03:37):
You probably wouldn't guess thatsocial connection is like a
muscle.
You use it or you lose it.
When you lose it, normal socialinteraction starts to feel
overwhelming, risky, and filledwith anxiety.
Avoiding that discomfort feelsprotective at the moment, but in
the long run, it deepensloneliness and reduces your

(03:57):
enjoyment of life.
To overcome midlife loneliness,you need to do two things.
First, notice it.
This sounds simple, but it'sharder than it seems.
Many people, the moment theyfeel lonely, reach for their
phone, grab a snack, pour adrink, or light a cigarette,
moving toward numbing instead offeeling the discomfort of

(04:18):
isolation.
Of course, not every time youscroll on your phone or open a
bottle of wine is due toloneliness, but sometimes it is.
Start paying attention to howoften you feel alone, bored or
isolated.
Instead of reaching for ashort-term fix, acknowledge your
loneliness.
I know this is hard.

(04:39):
Let me share a personal story.
About two months ago, two closefriends of mine became
unavailable, one due to illnessand another due to moving.
I could tell I wasn't myself.
I even noticed one week that myphone use had doubled.
Then I sat with the discomfortand I realized I was actually
sad about not seeing thesefriends.

(05:00):
Did that realization feel good?
Not at first, but afterward Ifelt relieved, like I had fit a
puzzle piece into place andgained a clearer picture of what
I needed.
Take a moment.
You're in midlife.
You've made it through some hardthings.
No one reaches midlife withoutfacing the death of a loved one,
a job disappointment, the painof a struggling child, or the

(05:23):
end of a meaningful friendship.
Life is hard and you are doingit.
So update your mindset.
Let yourself feel the discomfortof loneliness.
Notice it, name it, and tame it.
The next time you feel lonely,sit with it.
Place a hand on your heart.
Take a deep breath, and insteadof reaching for distraction, ask

(05:47):
yourself, who would I like toconnect with?
Trust, whatever surfaces.
One of my clients tried this andwas surprised when the name of
an old neighbor came to mind.
She messaged her on Facebook,set up a time to reconnect, and
felt really good and proud ofherself.
Another client had no specificname come up.

(06:09):
She decided to check out herlibrary's book club.
She read the book, but felt tooscared to go to the first
meeting.
No problem.
There was a second meeting.
At first, she convinced herselfshe couldn't go'cause she'd
missed the first one.
But then she laughed andthought, who says?The best part
she attended the second meetingand discovered that the first

(06:30):
one had been canceled due to anice storm.
This brings me to the secondcoping skill.
Be brave.
I know it sounds simple, maybeeven cheesy, but bravery is one
of the most underrated copingskills.These days it seems like
life demands bravery more thanever.
It takes no effort to trickyourself into feeling connected

(06:51):
by scrolling social media, butlet's be honest, no one you talk
to on social media is gonnabring you a casserole when
you're going through a hardtime.
You might even post thoughtfulresponses, but do you actually
show up for them with acasserole?
Probably not.
What I want for you are a fewrelationships where you are
truly seen and known you don'tneed a hundred friends, you need

(07:15):
one, two, or maybe three.
And an equal measure you offerthe same return.
Let me share my favorite storyabout bravery.
I swim at a 50 meter outdoorpool in the summer, which has a
high dive.
One day I noticed a boy around12 years old walking to the edge
of the high dive, then turningback.
He did this again and again fornearly 15 minutes.

(07:39):
Finally, he came down theladder.
I got outta the pool and Iwanted to see if he was okay.
He looked at me with teary eyesand said, I came to the pool
early because I'm the only oneof my friends who can't jump off
the high dive.
I asked why he kept turningaround and he said, I was
waiting for the fear to go away.

(08:00):
I told him, it doesn't go away.
You just have to push throughit.
He looked at me, turned around,marched up the ladder and
jumped.
That's how connection works.
The fear doesn't vanish.
You move through it, and themore you do it, the easier it
gets.
One unintended consequence ofour growing awareness of anxiety

(08:21):
is that we've started treatingall anxiety as something to
avoid, there's a big differencebetween unhealthy anxiety that
paralyzes you and normal anxietythat signals you're stepping
outside of your comfort zone.
Learning to recognize thisdifference is key.
Normal anxiety, the kind thatcomes with taking a risk, asking
someone out on a date or sharinga vulnerable truth is not

(08:45):
something to avoid.
It is something to push through.
If your anxiety is paralyzing,that's a great time to see a
therapist.
This is our specialty.
Midlife loneliness is easy toignore, but the consequences are
too much to stay in that stateof avoidance.
In this episode, we reviewedwhat is midlife anxiety and the

(09:09):
number one culprit to turning upthe lights in your relational
life avoidance, I introduced youto two coping skills.
Number one, notice a nameavoidance for what it is.
A desire to protect yourselfthat isn't actually protective
and coping skill Number two, bebrave.
Don't let your anxiety keep youfrom focusing on connecting.

(09:33):
As you move through your week,gently turn up your dimmer
switch of social connection withsteady, loving self-coaching.
Take a small risk of reachingout.
You're not turning on thefloodlights of a theater, just
gradually increasing the lightin your own living room.
Thanks for listening.
I'll be back on Monday with morecreating midlife calm.