Why do the most common anxiety fixes leave you feeling even worse?
Because they offer quick relief—but actually reinforce the anxiety cycle, especially in midlife.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
- The neuroscience behind why 3 common coping skills you're using actually increase anxiety instead of easing it.
- How these coping habits form early in life and silently shape midlife behavior.
- What happens in your brain and body when you rely on these short-term fixes—and why they backfire.
Pop in your earbuds and learn how to stop the habits that hijack your calm and start building real emotional resilience.
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:01):
In this episode, you'll discover why you
can do better than snacking,scrolling, or spilling when it
comes to calming your anxiety.
Built-in Microphone (00:09):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast
dedicated to empowering midlifeminds to overcome anxiety, stop
feeling like crap and becomemore present with your family,
all while achieving greatersuccess at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
(00:30):
experience teaching mentalwellness.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:34):
Welcome to the podcast.
When anxiety strikes, most of usgrab what feels like comfort
food, your phone, or a goodrant.
But what if I told you thosethings don't just not work.
They actually make your anxietyworse.
In today's episode, we'll lookat the three most common ways
people try to calm anxiety thatactually backfire.
(00:57):
Yep.
You know what they are.
Something happens and you feelanxious, so you reach for the
chips, your phone, or you startendlessly talking about what's
making you anxious.
At first, these feel like theywork, and actually they kind of
do, but their rebound effectsare a real problem.
Today I'm gonna share with youthe science behind why these
(01:19):
so-called solutions offer quickrelief, but then backfire
turning your anxiety intoregret, irritation, or
exhaustion.
I will end today's podcast withyour Inner Challenge, a simple
tool to help you shift outtathese unhelpful habits starting
today.
(01:39):
If you're like most of myclients, the second you feel
anxious, you become afirefighter.
Rushing to squash thediscomfort, fearing the worst.
Let's be honest, very few of ushad parents who taught us how to
name tame and aim when it cameto our emotions.
So of course, when anxietystrikes, you go straight to what
(02:00):
I call snack, scroll and spill.
You snack to soothe.
You scroll to distract and youspill every anxious thought to
anyone nearby or you spiral inyour own head.
These habits often feel good inthe moment.
They offer distraction,stimulation or a sense of
(02:20):
connection, but over time, and Idon't mean days, I mean minutes,
they increase your anxiety,drain your energy, and interfere
with real emotional regulation.
What I've learned from mythousands of clients is that
each of these is a seriousattempt to feel better, but most
are carryovers from childhood.
(02:42):
It's like carrying around an oldtoolkit.
These tools may have worked onceor at least distracted you, but
now they're rusty and you're inmidlife.
You deserve an upgrade.
Let's start by looking at whythese coping skills feel like
they work and why they actuallyleave you feeling worse.
(03:04):
Let's start with the most commongo-to for anxiety eating.
Most children learn early onthat food can help soothe big
feelings.
And there are two interestingreasons why food can feel
calming, eating signals yourbody to shift from fight or
flight to rest and digest mode.
That's why food can feel likeinstant relief.
(03:26):
But the calm is short-lived, andit often distracts you from what
you really need emotionally.
Years ago, I worked with a womanwho weighed almost 300 pounds
when she was eight, her parentswent through a terrible divorce.
There was constant fighting amove and a huge lifestyle
change.
She began to eat as a way tocope.
(03:48):
She jokingly said to me, my realmom was mint chocolate chip ice
cream, and my dad was Mr.
Nacho.
That leads to the second reasonpeople turn to food.
Sugar, carbs and fat activatedopamine in your brain.
Dopamine, gives you a temporaryreward hit, which soothes
anxiety.
Momentarily, but here's thetrap.
(04:10):
Once that dopamine fades, yourbrain experiences a rebound
effect.
Your blood sugar spikes andcrashes.
Digestion slows under stress,and you often feel regret or
shame, especially if you weren'thungry.
and then there's cortisol.
The stress hormone when you arestressed, your cortisol goes up
(04:34):
and it increases cravings forhigh fat.
High sugar foods, but indulgingdoesn't lower your cortisol.
It just masks it.
And let's face it, no onereaches for apples when they're
stressed.
The foods we grab when anxiousoften increase brain fog and
make us lethargic, which isn'tthe mindset you need when you're
(04:55):
trying to care for yourselfemotionally.
If you find yourself reachingfor food to calm anxiety, think
about how this habit started.
My hunch, it was the best toolyou had as a kid, but now that
you're in midlife.
I want you to consider anupdate.
One of the best parts of reallyunderstanding this habit is that
(05:17):
almost every client I have everworked with when they've given
up using food as a coping skillNot only feel better, but they
actually lose a little bit ofweight.
While food may be an old copingcompanion, the phone is the
newest and possibly the loudestbully in your life.
(05:37):
You feel anxious and grab yourphone, scrolling social media,
refreshing email or binging onshort videos.
Before you know it, this bullyis pushing you into places
you're never meant to go.
At first it feels like a break,but neurologically it's anything
but restful.
Your phone activates yoursympathetic nervous system,
(06:00):
keeping you stuck in fight orflight.
And just to be clear, when yoursympathetic system is triggered,
you are not getting comfort orsympathy.
You're revving up your internalalarm system, the blue light,
the unpredictability of thescroll and the social comparison
all intensify your stress.
(06:22):
What seems like a copingmechanism is often just a
distraction loop that pulls youfurther from self-awareness and
emotional regulation.
Phones also give you a dopaminehit, especially when you check
for new messages or likes.
It feels good at first, like abrief escape from anxiety, but
(06:42):
soon that anxious energy turnsinto irritation or mental
exhaustion.
You haven't calmed down.
You've traded one form ofdistress for another.
I actually experienced thisrecently.
I was working in Ireland for amonth and my computer crashed
with no way to fix it until Igot back to the United States.
(07:02):
Who knew that Apple has not setup one store in the land of
leprechauns.
On a scale of one to 10, myanxiety was a 12.
Nope, it was actually a 25.
I turned to my phone and wentinto full on scroll of palooza
After an hour, I wasn't anxiousanymore, but I was incredibly
(07:24):
irritable.
If you wanna know more about thescience of the phone, check out
my episode 121 That that helpsyou understand how the phone is
actually changing.
Not just our moods, but ourbrain.
I could feel my irritability,and I did my family a favor, and
(07:45):
I went to bed.
The next morning I still feltanxious, but I had a clearer
mind.
I was able to problem solve howto get through my next two work
weeks without a laptop.
I'm still not home, and I'mcrossing my fingers that my
computer can be fixed.
Let's move to the last copinghabit.
(08:05):
That seems helpful, but oftenisn't.
Now, don't get me wrong, talkingto someone about your anxiety
can be helpful, but not when itturns into rumination.
You know what rumination iswhere you talk it over and over
and over, or you might just bethinking it.
Over and over and over in yourmind.
(08:28):
This used to be one of myfavorite coping skills.
If I just explained what I'mfeeling one more time, I'll
finally feel better, butinstead.
You strengthen the anxiety loopin the brain by repeating
fear-based thoughts.
Your brain is a pattern machine.
The more you repeat a story,especially a negative one, the
(08:48):
more deeply it gets encoded.
That's called neuroplasticreinforcement.
So while connection and supportare essential, unfiltered,
venting, without any shift inperspective can keep anxiety
alive and even help it to grow.
Years ago, I was consulting atan agency while I was waiting in
(09:11):
the lobby to meet with A-C-E-O-Ioverheard a woman in the break
room anxiously venting about herjob.
No support, no direction.
Listening to her, made me kindof Glad I was there as a
consultant.
Later that day, I had lunchalone at a nearby restaurant and
wouldn't you know it, I heardthe same woman using almost the
(09:33):
exact same words, venting again.
It was as if she was readingfrom a script, but thanks to
neuroplasticity, she kind of wasone of the first things my
clients learn.
It's more isn't always betterwhen it comes to talking.
My husband has a great rule.
We call it the rule of one.
(09:53):
Talk it out one time until youstart repeating yourself.
Then take a break.
If I hadn't understood thebrain's love of looping
patterns, my computer crash inIreland could have ruined the
whole trip, but I refused toovertalk it.
No Apple store, no fix.
All I could do was learn to workfrom my phone and keep moving
(10:16):
forward.
In today's episode, we looked atthe three most common go-tos for
calming anxiety and how theywork in the short run, but
increase your anxiety in thelong run.
Snacking offers quick dopamine,but leads to regret and fog.
Scrolling over stimulates yournervous system and turns anxiety
(10:37):
into agitation.
Spilling Reinforces anxiousstories and traps you in
rumination.
They don't resolve the root ofanxiety.
In fact, they keep youdisconnected from your body,
distracted from your deeperneeds and values, and dependent
on temporary relief.
Your feelings aren't facts, butthey do give you important
(11:00):
information that you need to beaware of as you care for
yourself, others, and makeimportant decisions as you move
through your day.
And here's the good news,knowing what not to do.
Is a powerful place to start.
This week's Inner Challenge.
I want you to notice when you'reabout to snack, scroll, or spill
(11:22):
in response to anxiety andpause.
That's it.
Just notice these habits happenso quickly that learning
something new starts by simplybecoming aware.
You don't have to fix thefeeling, you just have to
interrupt the pattern, and youlearn to do that by noticing.
(11:43):
Pausing, I will be back onThursday to introduce you to
two, surprisingly effective nocost hacks that help decrease
anxiety and build calm, not justfrom the inside out, but calm
that stays with you and doesn'thave.
Any negative side effects.
(12:04):
Thanks for listening to CreatingMidlife Calm, and I would love
it if you followed the podcaston your favorite platform.
In this episode, you'll discover why you
can do better than snacking,scrolling, or spilling when it
comes to calming your anxiety.
Built-in Microphone (00:09):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast
dedicated to empowering midlifeminds to overcome anxiety, stop
feeling like crap and becomemore present with your family,
all while achieving greatersuccess at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
(00:30):
experience teaching mentalwellness.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:34):
Welcome to the podcast.
When anxiety strikes, most of usgrab what feels like comfort
food, your phone, or a goodrant.
But what if I told you thosethings don't just not work.
They actually make your anxietyworse.
In today's episode, we'll lookat the three most common ways
people try to calm anxiety thatactually backfire.
(00:57):
Yep.
You know what they are.
Something happens and you feelanxious, so you reach for the
chips, your phone, or you startendlessly talking about what's
making you anxious.
At first, these feel like theywork, and actually they kind of
do, but their rebound effectsare a real problem.
Today I'm gonna share with youthe science behind why these
(01:19):
so-called solutions offer quickrelief, but then backfire
turning your anxiety intoregret, irritation, or
exhaustion.
I will end today's podcast withyour Inner Challenge, a simple
tool to help you shift outtathese unhelpful habits starting
today.
(01:39):
If you're like most of myclients, the second you feel
anxious, you become afirefighter.
Rushing to squash thediscomfort, fearing the worst.
Let's be honest, very few of ushad parents who taught us how to
name tame and aim when it cameto our emotions.
So of course, when anxietystrikes, you go straight to what
(02:00):
I call snack, scroll and spill.
You snack to soothe.
You scroll to distract and youspill every anxious thought to
anyone nearby or you spiral inyour own head.
These habits often feel good inthe moment.
They offer distraction,stimulation or a sense of
(02:20):
connection, but over time, and Idon't mean days, I mean minutes,
they increase your anxiety,drain your energy, and interfere
with real emotional regulation.
What I've learned from mythousands of clients is that
each of these is a seriousattempt to feel better, but most
are carryovers from childhood.
(02:42):
It's like carrying around an oldtoolkit.
These tools may have worked onceor at least distracted you, but
now they're rusty and you're inmidlife.
You deserve an upgrade.
Let's start by looking at whythese coping skills feel like
they work and why they actuallyleave you feeling worse.
(03:04):
Let's start with the most commongo-to for anxiety eating.
Most children learn early onthat food can help soothe big
feelings.
And there are two interestingreasons why food can feel
calming, eating signals yourbody to shift from fight or
flight to rest and digest mode.
That's why food can feel likeinstant relief.
(03:26):
But the calm is short-lived, andit often distracts you from what
you really need emotionally.
Years ago, I worked with a womanwho weighed almost 300 pounds
when she was eight, her parentswent through a terrible divorce.
There was constant fighting amove and a huge lifestyle
change.
She began to eat as a way tocope.
(03:48):
She jokingly said to me, my realmom was mint chocolate chip ice
cream, and my dad was Mr.
Nacho.
That leads to the second reasonpeople turn to food.
Sugar, carbs and fat activatedopamine in your brain.
Dopamine, gives you a temporaryreward hit, which soothes
anxiety.
Momentarily, but here's thetrap.
(04:10):
Once that dopamine fades, yourbrain experiences a rebound
effect.
Your blood sugar spikes andcrashes.
Digestion slows under stress,and you often feel regret or
shame, especially if you weren'thungry.
and then there's cortisol.
The stress hormone when you arestressed, your cortisol goes up
(04:34):
and it increases cravings forhigh fat.
High sugar foods, but indulgingdoesn't lower your cortisol.
It just masks it.
And let's face it, no onereaches for apples when they're
stressed.
The foods we grab when anxiousoften increase brain fog and
make us lethargic, which isn'tthe mindset you need when you're
(04:55):
trying to care for yourselfemotionally.
If you find yourself reachingfor food to calm anxiety, think
about how this habit started.
My hunch, it was the best toolyou had as a kid, but now that
you're in midlife.
I want you to consider anupdate.
One of the best parts of reallyunderstanding this habit is that
(05:17):
almost every client I have everworked with when they've given
up using food as a coping skillNot only feel better, but they
actually lose a little bit ofweight.
While food may be an old copingcompanion, the phone is the
newest and possibly the loudestbully in your life.
(05:37):
You feel anxious and grab yourphone, scrolling social media,
refreshing email or binging onshort videos.
Before you know it, this bullyis pushing you into places
you're never meant to go.
At first it feels like a break,but neurologically it's anything
but restful.
Your phone activates yoursympathetic nervous system,
(06:00):
keeping you stuck in fight orflight.
And just to be clear, when yoursympathetic system is triggered,
you are not getting comfort orsympathy.
You're revving up your internalalarm system, the blue light,
the unpredictability of thescroll and the social comparison
all intensify your stress.
(06:22):
What seems like a copingmechanism is often just a
distraction loop that pulls youfurther from self-awareness and
emotional regulation.
Phones also give you a dopaminehit, especially when you check
for new messages or likes.
It feels good at first, like abrief escape from anxiety, but
(06:42):
soon that anxious energy turnsinto irritation or mental
exhaustion.
You haven't calmed down.
You've traded one form ofdistress for another.
I actually experienced thisrecently.
I was working in Ireland for amonth and my computer crashed
with no way to fix it until Igot back to the United States.
(07:02):
Who knew that Apple has not setup one store in the land of
leprechauns.
On a scale of one to 10, myanxiety was a 12.
Nope, it was actually a 25.
I turned to my phone and wentinto full on scroll of palooza
After an hour, I wasn't anxiousanymore, but I was incredibly
(07:24):
irritable.
If you wanna know more about thescience of the phone, check out
my episode 121 That that helpsyou understand how the phone is
actually changing.
Not just our moods, but ourbrain.
I could feel my irritability,and I did my family a favor, and
(07:45):
I went to bed.
The next morning I still feltanxious, but I had a clearer
mind.
I was able to problem solve howto get through my next two work
weeks without a laptop.
I'm still not home, and I'mcrossing my fingers that my
computer can be fixed.
Let's move to the last copinghabit.
(08:05):
That seems helpful, but oftenisn't.
Now, don't get me wrong, talkingto someone about your anxiety
can be helpful, but not when itturns into rumination.
You know what rumination iswhere you talk it over and over
and over, or you might just bethinking it.
Over and over and over in yourmind.
(08:28):
This used to be one of myfavorite coping skills.
If I just explained what I'mfeeling one more time, I'll
finally feel better, butinstead.
You strengthen the anxiety loopin the brain by repeating
fear-based thoughts.
Your brain is a pattern machine.
The more you repeat a story,especially a negative one, the
(08:48):
more deeply it gets encoded.
That's called neuroplasticreinforcement.
So while connection and supportare essential, unfiltered,
venting, without any shift inperspective can keep anxiety
alive and even help it to grow.
Years ago, I was consulting atan agency while I was waiting in
(09:11):
the lobby to meet with A-C-E-O-Ioverheard a woman in the break
room anxiously venting about herjob.
No support, no direction.
Listening to her, made me kindof Glad I was there as a
consultant.
Later that day, I had lunchalone at a nearby restaurant and
wouldn't you know it, I heardthe same woman using almost the
(09:33):
exact same words, venting again.
It was as if she was readingfrom a script, but thanks to
neuroplasticity, she kind of wasone of the first things my
clients learn.
It's more isn't always betterwhen it comes to talking.
My husband has a great rule.
We call it the rule of one.
(09:53):
Talk it out one time until youstart repeating yourself.
Then take a break.
If I hadn't understood thebrain's love of looping
patterns, my computer crash inIreland could have ruined the
whole trip, but I refused toovertalk it.
No Apple store, no fix.
All I could do was learn to workfrom my phone and keep moving
(10:16):
forward.
In today's episode, we looked atthe three most common go-tos for
calming anxiety and how theywork in the short run, but
increase your anxiety in thelong run.
Snacking offers quick dopamine,but leads to regret and fog.
Scrolling over stimulates yournervous system and turns anxiety
(10:37):
into agitation.
Spilling Reinforces anxiousstories and traps you in
rumination.
They don't resolve the root ofanxiety.
In fact, they keep youdisconnected from your body,
distracted from your deeperneeds and values, and dependent
on temporary relief.
Your feelings aren't facts, butthey do give you important
(11:00):
information that you need to beaware of as you care for
yourself, others, and makeimportant decisions as you move
through your day.
And here's the good news,knowing what not to do.
Is a powerful place to start.
This week's Inner Challenge.
I want you to notice when you'reabout to snack, scroll, or spill
(11:22):
in response to anxiety andpause.
That's it.
Just notice these habits happenso quickly that learning
something new starts by simplybecoming aware.
You don't have to fix thefeeling, you just have to
interrupt the pattern, and youlearn to do that by noticing.
(11:43):
Pausing, I will be back onThursday to introduce you to
two, surprisingly effective nocost hacks that help decrease
anxiety and build calm, not justfrom the inside out, but calm
that stays with you and doesn'thave.
Any negative side effects.
(12:04):
Thanks for listening to CreatingMidlife Calm, and I would love
it if you followed the podcaston your favorite platform.
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