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July 28, 2025 10 mins

Are you using the wrong coping skill for what you’re actually feeling?
Understanding the difference between stress and anxiety can help you respond more effectively and feel calmer faster.
In this episode, you’ll discover:

  1. How to recognize the difference between stress and anxiety in your body and mind
  2. Why coping skills that help with stress can make anxiety worse—and vice versa
  3. Two powerful questions that help you choose the right response in the moment

 Listen now to begin matching your coping skills to what midlife actually demands from you—inside and out.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover how
understanding the differencebetween stress and anxiety can
help you create calm.

Built-in Microphone (00:09):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast
dedicated to empowering midlifeminds to overcome anxiety, stop
feeling like crap and becomemore present with your family,
all while achieving greatersuccess at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of

(00:30):
experience teaching mentalwellness.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:33):
Welcome to the podcast.
We throw the word stress andanxiety around interchangeably,
but they're really not the same.
And if you're using the wrongcoping skill for the wrong
experience, it's like trying toput out a grease fire with
water.
Your intention is good, but itjust won't work, and sometimes
it makes things worse.

(00:54):
In today's episode, we're gonnadiscuss the difference between
stress and anxiety.
You might be surprised in thissituation, words matter and just
a little bit of knowledge canhelp you choose the right coping
skill so you can feel betterquickly.
So let's go back to the kitchen.

(01:14):
I wanna begin with a metaphor,stress is like a smoke alarm
going off in your kitchenbecause something is actually
burning on the stove.
You can be stressed becausesomeone just rear-ended your car
at a stoplight, or maybe you'restressed because you have a big
presentation at work, or you'restressed because your mom is
actually sick.

(01:34):
Anxiety, on the other hand, iswhen the alarm goes off, even
though nothing is burning.
You know, a false alarm.
You feel uncomfortable at first,distressed and worried, but it's
disconnected from what'sactually happening.
Right now, you're anxiousbecause you're worried your
child won't make the team or getinto their first choice School.

(01:55):
You're anxious because othercompanies are laying off their
workers.
Perhaps you're anxious that youwon't have enough money for an
unexpected expense.
Stress is a reaction to anexternal demand, a deadline, a
family issue, a decision thatneeds to be made.
It has a clear source.
It's usually short term, andonce you take action, the

(02:19):
feeling eases.
On the other hand, anxiety ismore internal.
You know what this is?
It's that lingering feeling ofdiscomfort.
Your body is saying this mighthappen, so start worrying now.
Or your mind begins to loop withregret.
I shouldn't have done that.

(02:39):
I shouldn't have said that.
Anxiety often shows up whenthere's no immediate threat.
It lives in the future or thepast.
In the what ifs and worst casescenarios, you feel both stress
and anxiety in your body, butthe way you respond.
Should be different.
And that's why knowing thedifference is essential.

(03:01):
Let me pause here and give aclinical example.
I was working with a midlifewoman whose fear of public
speaking had made her very adeptat avoiding it.
In fact, she was beloved at workbecause she mentored her
colleagues by letting them doall the presentations.
She came to therapy and workedon this because, as you can
guess, it was hurting hercareer.

(03:24):
She made great progress atworking on this fear of public
speaking, and before you knowit, it was the day before her
first presentation.
She was stressed, the stress wasreal, but she had created a plan
to manage it.
Let me balance this with anotherclinical example.
One of my midlife clients wasvery anxious about her child

(03:46):
going off to college.
She found herself losing sleep,worrying that her child wouldn't
make friends, manage theworkload, or be happy away from
home.
This is anxiety.
She was spinning about herchild's future even though her
child was happily working at hersummer job.
So even though you used the wordstress and anxiety

(04:07):
interchangeably, it can beincredibly helpful to apply them
more precisely to yourself.
Why?
Because doing so helps youchoose a more effective coping
skill.
It's like finding the right shoefor the occasion.
You certainly don't wanna showup for the 5K wearing stilettos.
When you are under stress, thebest thing to do is move towards

(04:29):
action.
What does that look like?
Break things down, make a list,ask for help.
And you might be surprised tofind out that when you're
stressed, standing up doing afew stretches, having a drink of
water can help you take the nextstep.
That's why my client who wasstressed about her debut

(04:51):
presentation had a plan becausestress responds to structure and
support.
My other client was stressedabout her child leaving for
college, even though everythingwas fine.
But when you're dealing withanxiety, action often backfires.
Why?
Because anxiety isn't about now.

(05:13):
It's about what might happen.
And if you treat it like stress,you'll end up doing more,
thinking more and feeling worse.
It's like running on thatproverbial gerbil wheel.
It just doesn't help.
Stress needs a to-do list.
Anxiety needs a time out.
My client who was anxious abouther daughter going to college,

(05:36):
kept making lists of things herdaughter needed to do before she
left.
In fact, she herself was doingmany of them buying things at
Target, double checking herdaughter's class registration,
and even doing an FBI levelinvestigation on her new
roommate.
Finally, her daughter said,stop, mom.

(05:57):
You're acting like I can't dothis.
Anxiety needs containment andcalming, not control.
We have all been there.
Especially with our children,anxiety needs you to practice
and settle your nervous system.
A little breath work, a littlegrounding, a little naming

(06:17):
what's real right now.
So instead of trying to controleverything, what would it look
like to contain what you'refeeling?
With compassion, get curious,not judgemental.
What did my client do when shebegan to feel anxious about her
daughter leaving?
She named it and tamed it.

(06:38):
Yes, she would say to herself, Iam nervous about my daughter
leaving.
And then she would sit in achair, ground her feet and hold
with great gentleness, all heranxiety.
And often what would happen isthat anxiety would pass in about

(06:58):
60 to 90 seconds what was reallygoing on, a sense of sadness
would erupt and she would justhave a good little cry or just
acknowledge how sad it is tohave this part of parenting
over.
We've all been there, butperhaps you haven't done that.

(07:20):
Instead, you keep treatinganxiety like it's stress.
Yet there are no straight lineswhen it comes to this human life
of ours.
Sometimes stress turns intoanxiety.
Let's go back to my client whogave the presentation.
Her stress was real.
She did have a presentation togive, but after it was over, she

(07:44):
found herself lying awake at2:00 AM worrying that she didn't
sound smart enough or thatpeople were judging her.
Now we've crossed that line intoanxiety because anxiety lives in
the future or the past.
In midlife, this happens a lot.
You carry invisible loads,family responsibilities, health

(08:04):
changes, work transitions.
The to-dos are real, but oftenwhat drains you isn't the task.
It's the mental loop thatfollows.
Understanding the differencebetween stress and anxiety gives
you the power to pause and ask,what am I actually experiencing
right now?

(08:25):
And what would help?
Here's how to start spotting thedifference this week.
Ask yourself two simplequestions.
You can even write this on apost-it note.
Is what I'm feeling anxious orstressed about something I need
to do right now?
If it's yes, that's stress.
Am I looping on something Ican't control or that hasn't

(08:47):
happened yet?
If yes, that's anxiety, it'skind of like a math equation.
Both are valid, but they requiredifferent kinds of care.
Your Inner Challenge this weekis to notice the next time you
feel overwhelmed and simplypause.
Then ask, is this stress or isthis anxiety?

(09:08):
And once you know, choose aresponse that matches.
If it's stress, take a smallaction.
If it's anxiety, do somethinggrounding or calming.
Name, what's real focus on yourbreath?
Practice Notice on the outsidefor a reminder of how to do this
easy mindfulness practice, checkout episode 91 Even one

(09:33):
intentional choice can help yournervous system shift from chaos
to calm.
You don't have to get thisperfect.
Just start noticing that's thefirst step.
And on Thursday's episode I'llhelp you take this even further.
We're gonna look at how to matchthe right coping skill to stress
versus anxiety in midlife, soyou can stop guessing and start

(09:57):
feeling better faster.
If this episode helped you feela little more seen or
understood, would you follow thepodcast on your favorite
platform?
Doing so helps more midlifersfind their way to calm, and that
means a lot to me.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Thursday with more

(10:18):
creating midlife Calm.
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