Does your “empty nest” still feel full of emotions, memories, and a surprising amount of daily connection?
You’re not alone if this shift feels more complicated than you imagined.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1. Why the empty nest often brings unexpected waves of emotion in midlife
2. How savoring your home can be a powerful coping skill during times of transition
3. Practical ways to reduce the pressure to “let go” all at once and move forward at your own pace
🎧 Take 10 minutes to create calm in your midlife transition—you’re worth it.
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:06):
In this episode, you'll discoverhow savoring your nest can make
the empty nest transitioneasier.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:14):
In this episode, you'll discover how
savoring your nest can make theempty nest transition easier.
Welcome to the podcast.
I remember it like it wasyesterday.
I woke up, made coffee.
Poured two cups steam rose.
The house was quiet.
(00:34):
I showered, got dressed for workand mindlessly opened my
daughter's bedroom door.
The bed was made.
Oh my God, the nest is clean.
She really is gone.
I took a deep breath, felt my,felt my eyes well up, and
wondered how could I haveforgotten the emotional drop off
(00:55):
less than 24 hours earlier.
Smack in the middle ofmenopause, a hot flash swept
over me.
I sat down and said quietly tomyself, I am an empty nester.
How did this happen?
Where did the years go so fast?
And what does it mean?
(01:18):
In this episode, you'll discoverwhy cultural stories about the
emptiness.
Don't tell the whole truth.
How savoring your nest cantransform your experience.
And one simple coping skill youcan use today to feel more
grounded in this.
And one simple coping skill youcan use today.
(01:40):
And one simple coping skill youcan use today to feel more
grounded in this new place youfind yourself.
Our culture gives.
Our culture gives you twoextremes.
Extreme one, you're free whenyour children leave home.
(02:02):
Our culture often gives you twoextremes.
Extreme number one, you're freeto fly.
Now, finally, able to travel,reinvent yourself and focus
solely on you.
Extreme number two.
You're supposed to feel deeplysad and adrift, maybe even
(02:23):
depressed because your kids aregone.
But for most people, the truthis somewhere in the middle, you
might feel pride, relief,sadness, excitement, anxiety,
and stress.
Sometimes all in the same day.
Actually, sometimes in the samehour, you may not be ready to
(02:44):
leap into a brand new identity.
But you also don't wanna getstuck in the loss.
One of my favorite empty neststories came from a mom whose
last child had been, let's say,challenging.
You know, the kind that keepsyou up at night for months in
therapy.
She counted the days down untilhe left home so she could
(03:06):
finally get a break for monthsin therapy.
She counted down the days untilhe left home so she could
finally get a break.
Two weeks after he moved out,she came into my office and
said, I don't think I realizedthat as much as he worried us,
he also made us laugh likecrazy.
(03:27):
I miss his humor so much.
That's the truth.
As much as your teens can keepyou up at night.
They can also fill your heart,your days and your social life.
Another dad I hadn't seen inyears called to ask for an
appointment.
He came in and he asked me thissimple question, is it weird if
(03:50):
I keep helping with the highschool band after my son is
graduated?
Is it weird if I keep helpingwith the high school band after
my son has graduated?
It is easy to think you'll befine, but when you're, it's easy
to think you'll be fine, butwhen your last child is left
home, this is where theemotional work begins.
(04:15):
Becoming an empty nester isbecoming an empty nester is a
big deal.
Recently I saw on a reel onInstagram.
No.
Recently I saw a reel onInstagram from life coach Marta
Brummel.
Recently I saw a reel onInstagram from life coach Marta
Brummel.
(04:36):
She was talking about emotionalregulation and suggested letting
it be instead of trying toimmediately let it go, she had
the Beatles music in thebackground.
It was really quite lovely.
Her point was powerful.
You don't have to rush torelease every uncomfortable
feeling.
Sometimes simply letting it be,or as I like to say, savoring
(05:00):
your nest is the healthier, moresustainable choice.
During a huge trend, sometimessimply letting it be, or this
time in your life savoring yournest is the healthier, more
sustainable choice instead ofrushing to fill your schedule,
reinvent yourself or shut downyour feelings, or shut down your
(05:24):
feelings, you can take a breathand savor your nest exactly as
it is.
That space creates room forclarity and calm to emerge.
That space creates room forclarity and calm to emerge on
their own.
One of my clients created aritual when her fourth and last
(05:46):
child left home once a week.
She and her husband would have adrink after work and sit in a
different room in their house.
They shared memories from thatspace.
The impossible task of pottytraining.
Yes, they sat in the bathrooms,the laughter around family
dinners, and even a surprisediscovery of a six pack and even
(06:11):
a surprise discovery of a sixpack of and even a surprise
discovery of a six pack of beerhidden in a basement closet.
This is savoring your nest.
Not flying from it or sinkinginto sadness, but honoring the
life you built.
Yes, you can savor your emptynest.
(06:35):
Parenting is hard work.
Parenting is good work.
It deserves to be honored beforeyou rush ahead.
And just because your childrenleave home, your parenting
doesn't end.
But it does need to change.
Reflection like this helps youmake the TRA reflection like
(06:56):
this savoring a form ofreflection.
Like this.
Savoring is a form ofreflection.
It helps you make the transitionas your child steps more and
more into their own world.
Taking time in those early,taking time in these early
months to reflect, savor, andacknowledge all you've learned,
(07:20):
grown and given is not justsatisfying.
It's essential for movingauthentically into the next
phase of life.
I still miss my kids.
Not their messy rooms or theiradolescent angst, but the
energy, purpose and directionthey gave my days.
The automatic community thatcomes with raising children,
(07:43):
unlike some of my closestfriends, my kids live far away.
That's an ache I've learned tocarry and even cherish because I
truly like the adults they'vebecome.
Now, here's another truth.
In the years since they've left,I've grown to love this stage.
Our culture calls the emptynest, but that love didn't
(08:04):
happen overnight.
It's been a process, and I wantto advocate that it begins with
savoring, not emptying.
Think about all the messages youhear as an empty nester.
Redesign your home office, sellthe house.
Start a career, travel more.
But what if instead of rushinginto those changes, you simply
(08:28):
stayed in the nest for a whileand savored it?
Savor the photos on the wall.
Sit at the kitchen table andremember the meals shared there.
Notice the quiet mornings andthe absence of backpacks by the
door not to erase the past.
But to honor it, have a few goodcries.
(08:48):
It took a lot to get your familyto this point.
And what if you got brave enoughto savor what you regret?
I regret not taking morevacations when our kids were
teens and there's, I regret nottaking more vacations when our
kids were teens and schoolactivities ruled our schedule.
(09:09):
We all have regrets and savoringthem can hurt, but holding that
can help us learn importantlessons and even lead to
repairs.
One of my clients came totherapy after his last child
left home.
His divorce had been messy, andhe admitted he'd been a jerk.
His words not mine.
(09:31):
As he sat with this, with noball games to attend, he.
As he sat with this with no ballgames to attend, he clearly saw
what his temp he, he saw clearlywhat his temper had put his kids
through.
He wrote them letters ofapology.
Their responses were healing,but one child added something
(09:56):
that kept him in therapy formonths.
I would love it if you wouldapologize to mom.
You put her through a lot ofunnecessary pain and we all have
30 or four and we all have about30 or 40 years left together.
Savoring can be bitter andsweet, but it is never empty.
(10:20):
That's the paradox of thisstage.
It holds both the ache andabundance.
Slowing down like this, slowingdown like this helps ease stress
and anxiety because you're notforcing an immediate next
chapter.
You're actually writing theconclusion and doing important
(10:41):
Inner work that acknowledgesyour life has shifted in a big
way, and that shift deserves tobe felt before it's reimagined.
The truth is, I still miss mykids.
And maybe like Marta and yes,like The Beatles, I can still
remind myself, let it be, orbetter yet, savor Your Nest.
(11:07):
Your Inner Challenge for thisweek is to practice savoring
your nest in one small way.
Sit with your morning coffee andlet yourself feel whatever comes
up without judgment.
Simply tell yourself it's okayto savor this moment.
Sit in your child's room andsavor your memories.
(11:28):
Hold the bitter and the sweet.
Notice how giving yourselfpermission to savor changes your
stress and notice how givingyourself permission to be to
savor these changes reduces yourstress and anxiety levels.
In this episode, you discoveredthat cultural messages about
(11:51):
emptiness often missed.
In this episode, you discoveredthat cultural messages about the
E empty nest, about the emptynest often miss the middle
ground.
That savoring your nest can helpyou honor what you've built and
that in time and that in timeand in your own way, you can
(12:14):
move to life's next stage moreauthentically and holy.
This.
Is a powerful coping skill formidlife.
On Thursday, we'll go deeperinto how savoring your Nest
(12:36):
first makes letting go easier.
On Thursday, we'll go deeperinto how savoring your Nest can
make letting go easier, and I'llshare practical coping skills.
(12:57):
On Thursday, we'll talk aboutthe messy middle.
When your nest is empty, butyour flock still needs you, I
invite you to share this episodewith your friends who are also
going through this.
SI invite you to share thisepisode.
I invite you to share thisepisode with one or two friends
(13:19):
who are also experiencing theempty nest or even have a, or
even get your friends togetherand listen to it and share your
experience of being in thisimportant life stage.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Thursday with more
creating midlife Calm.
In this episode, you'll discoverhow savoring your nest can make
the empty nest transitioneasier.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:14):
In this episode, you'll discover how
savoring your nest can make theempty nest transition easier.
Welcome to the podcast.
I remember it like it wasyesterday.
I woke up, made coffee.
Poured two cups steam rose.
The house was quiet.
(00:34):
I showered, got dressed for workand mindlessly opened my
daughter's bedroom door.
The bed was made.
Oh my God, the nest is clean.
She really is gone.
I took a deep breath, felt my,felt my eyes well up, and
wondered how could I haveforgotten the emotional drop off
(00:55):
less than 24 hours earlier.
Smack in the middle ofmenopause, a hot flash swept
over me.
I sat down and said quietly tomyself, I am an empty nester.
How did this happen?
Where did the years go so fast?
And what does it mean?
(01:18):
In this episode, you'll discoverwhy cultural stories about the
emptiness.
Don't tell the whole truth.
How savoring your nest cantransform your experience.
And one simple coping skill youcan use today to feel more
grounded in this.
And one simple coping skill youcan use today.
(01:40):
And one simple coping skill youcan use today to feel more
grounded in this new place youfind yourself.
Our culture gives.
Our culture gives you twoextremes.
Extreme one, you're free whenyour children leave home.
(02:02):
Our culture often gives you twoextremes.
Extreme number one, you're freeto fly.
Now, finally, able to travel,reinvent yourself and focus
solely on you.
Extreme number two.
You're supposed to feel deeplysad and adrift, maybe even
(02:23):
depressed because your kids aregone.
But for most people, the truthis somewhere in the middle, you
might feel pride, relief,sadness, excitement, anxiety,
and stress.
Sometimes all in the same day.
Actually, sometimes in the samehour, you may not be ready to
(02:44):
leap into a brand new identity.
But you also don't wanna getstuck in the loss.
One of my favorite empty neststories came from a mom whose
last child had been, let's say,challenging.
You know, the kind that keepsyou up at night for months in
therapy.
She counted the days down untilhe left home so she could
(03:06):
finally get a break for monthsin therapy.
She counted down the days untilhe left home so she could
finally get a break.
Two weeks after he moved out,she came into my office and
said, I don't think I realizedthat as much as he worried us,
he also made us laugh likecrazy.
(03:27):
I miss his humor so much.
That's the truth.
As much as your teens can keepyou up at night.
They can also fill your heart,your days and your social life.
Another dad I hadn't seen inyears called to ask for an
appointment.
He came in and he asked me thissimple question, is it weird if
(03:50):
I keep helping with the highschool band after my son is
graduated?
Is it weird if I keep helpingwith the high school band after
my son has graduated?
It is easy to think you'll befine, but when you're, it's easy
to think you'll be fine, butwhen your last child is left
home, this is where theemotional work begins.
(04:15):
Becoming an empty nester isbecoming an empty nester is a
big deal.
Recently I saw on a reel onInstagram.
No.
Recently I saw a reel onInstagram from life coach Marta
Brummel.
Recently I saw a reel onInstagram from life coach Marta
Brummel.
(04:36):
She was talking about emotionalregulation and suggested letting
it be instead of trying toimmediately let it go, she had
the Beatles music in thebackground.
It was really quite lovely.
Her point was powerful.
You don't have to rush torelease every uncomfortable
feeling.
Sometimes simply letting it be,or as I like to say, savoring
(05:00):
your nest is the healthier, moresustainable choice.
During a huge trend, sometimessimply letting it be, or this
time in your life savoring yournest is the healthier, more
sustainable choice instead ofrushing to fill your schedule,
reinvent yourself or shut downyour feelings, or shut down your
(05:24):
feelings, you can take a breathand savor your nest exactly as
it is.
That space creates room forclarity and calm to emerge.
That space creates room forclarity and calm to emerge on
their own.
One of my clients created aritual when her fourth and last
(05:46):
child left home once a week.
She and her husband would have adrink after work and sit in a
different room in their house.
They shared memories from thatspace.
The impossible task of pottytraining.
Yes, they sat in the bathrooms,the laughter around family
dinners, and even a surprisediscovery of a six pack and even
(06:11):
a surprise discovery of a sixpack of and even a surprise
discovery of a six pack of beerhidden in a basement closet.
This is savoring your nest.
Not flying from it or sinkinginto sadness, but honoring the
life you built.
Yes, you can savor your emptynest.
(06:35):
Parenting is hard work.
Parenting is good work.
It deserves to be honored beforeyou rush ahead.
And just because your childrenleave home, your parenting
doesn't end.
But it does need to change.
Reflection like this helps youmake the TRA reflection like
(06:56):
this savoring a form ofreflection.
Like this.
Savoring is a form ofreflection.
It helps you make the transitionas your child steps more and
more into their own world.
Taking time in those early,taking time in these early
months to reflect, savor, andacknowledge all you've learned,
(07:20):
grown and given is not justsatisfying.
It's essential for movingauthentically into the next
phase of life.
I still miss my kids.
Not their messy rooms or theiradolescent angst, but the
energy, purpose and directionthey gave my days.
The automatic community thatcomes with raising children,
(07:43):
unlike some of my closestfriends, my kids live far away.
That's an ache I've learned tocarry and even cherish because I
truly like the adults they'vebecome.
Now, here's another truth.
In the years since they've left,I've grown to love this stage.
Our culture calls the emptynest, but that love didn't
(08:04):
happen overnight.
It's been a process, and I wantto advocate that it begins with
savoring, not emptying.
Think about all the messages youhear as an empty nester.
Redesign your home office, sellthe house.
Start a career, travel more.
But what if instead of rushinginto those changes, you simply
(08:28):
stayed in the nest for a whileand savored it?
Savor the photos on the wall.
Sit at the kitchen table andremember the meals shared there.
Notice the quiet mornings andthe absence of backpacks by the
door not to erase the past.
But to honor it, have a few goodcries.
(08:48):
It took a lot to get your familyto this point.
And what if you got brave enoughto savor what you regret?
I regret not taking morevacations when our kids were
teens and there's, I regret nottaking more vacations when our
kids were teens and schoolactivities ruled our schedule.
(09:09):
We all have regrets and savoringthem can hurt, but holding that
can help us learn importantlessons and even lead to
repairs.
One of my clients came totherapy after his last child
left home.
His divorce had been messy, andhe admitted he'd been a jerk.
His words not mine.
(09:31):
As he sat with this, with noball games to attend, he.
As he sat with this with no ballgames to attend, he clearly saw
what his temp he, he saw clearlywhat his temper had put his kids
through.
He wrote them letters ofapology.
Their responses were healing,but one child added something
(09:56):
that kept him in therapy formonths.
I would love it if you wouldapologize to mom.
You put her through a lot ofunnecessary pain and we all have
30 or four and we all have about30 or 40 years left together.
Savoring can be bitter andsweet, but it is never empty.
(10:20):
That's the paradox of thisstage.
It holds both the ache andabundance.
Slowing down like this, slowingdown like this helps ease stress
and anxiety because you're notforcing an immediate next
chapter.
You're actually writing theconclusion and doing important
(10:41):
Inner work that acknowledgesyour life has shifted in a big
way, and that shift deserves tobe felt before it's reimagined.
The truth is, I still miss mykids.
And maybe like Marta and yes,like The Beatles, I can still
remind myself, let it be, orbetter yet, savor Your Nest.
(11:07):
Your Inner Challenge for thisweek is to practice savoring
your nest in one small way.
Sit with your morning coffee andlet yourself feel whatever comes
up without judgment.
Simply tell yourself it's okayto savor this moment.
Sit in your child's room andsavor your memories.
(11:28):
Hold the bitter and the sweet.
Notice how giving yourselfpermission to savor changes your
stress and notice how givingyourself permission to be to
savor these changes reduces yourstress and anxiety levels.
In this episode, you discoveredthat cultural messages about
(11:51):
emptiness often missed.
In this episode, you discoveredthat cultural messages about the
E empty nest, about the emptynest often miss the middle
ground.
That savoring your nest can helpyou honor what you've built and
that in time and that in timeand in your own way, you can
(12:14):
move to life's next stage moreauthentically and holy.
This.
Is a powerful coping skill formidlife.
On Thursday, we'll go deeperinto how savoring your Nest
(12:36):
first makes letting go easier.
On Thursday, we'll go deeperinto how savoring your Nest can
make letting go easier, and I'llshare practical coping skills.
(12:57):
On Thursday, we'll talk aboutthe messy middle.
When your nest is empty, butyour flock still needs you, I
invite you to share this episodewith your friends who are also
going through this.
SI invite you to share thisepisode.
I invite you to share thisepisode with one or two friends
(13:19):
who are also experiencing theempty nest or even have a, or
even get your friends togetherand listen to it and share your
experience of being in thisimportant life stage.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Thursday with more
creating midlife Calm.
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