September 11, 2025 • 13 mins
What if science could show you a way to finally get free from anxiety in midlife?
You’re not alone—so many believe anxiety is something they just have to manage, but research and real-life practice prove otherwise.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
- Why your amygdala often misfires and fuels unnecessary anxiety
- How blame and avoidance quietly keep you stuck in midlife stress
- The one science-backed coping skill that retrains your brain and helps you move beyond anxiety for good
Take 13 minutes to learn the coping skill science shows can free you from anxiety—you’re worth it.
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover the one
thing you must do to reduce youranxiety forever.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:07):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the
podcast where you and I tacklestress and anxiety in midlife so
you can stop feeling like crap,feel more present at home, and
thrive at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon a LicensedClinical Social Worker with over
50,000 hours of therapy sessionsand 32 years of teaching
(00:27):
practical science-backed mentalwellness.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:31):
Welcome to the podcast.
One of the biggest changes I'veseen in my nearly 40 years as a
therapist is how people talkabout anxiety today.
It can sound like part ofidentity.
I have anxiety, so I can't fly,or I'd love to join you, but my
anxiety won't let me drive atnight.
I even have the occasionalreferral that says I'd love to
(00:53):
do therapy, but my anxiety won'tlet me see you in person.
Many of my clients introducethemselves in couples mode.
Hi, I'm Sue, and this is myspouse.
Anxiety.
He's making my life miserable,but I don't want a divorce.
Back in the eighties, the goalwasn't to work around anxiety,
or simply learn to tolerate it.
(01:14):
It was to get rid of it.
And while we understand anxietyas part of being human, and we
do actually need some of it, Ialso know that many situations
that trigger anxiety can beovercome.
In this episode, you'll discoverwhy your amygdala, the root of
your anxiety, often gets itwrong, and how blame and unclaim
(01:36):
keep you stuck in anxiety.
How tending and befriending youranxiety rewires your brain for
lasting calm and helps you meetyour goals and do what matters
most.
But first, how'd you do onMonday's Inner Challenge?
On Monday, I invited you topractice one calming skill three
(01:56):
times a day.
Maybe you grounded your feet,practiced slowing down your
breath, or reminded yourselfthat feelings aren't facts.
If you did this, you are alreadylaying the foundation for
today's work.
If you didn't, today's episodewill probably be a real
motivator because you, like manyare probably sitting with the
(02:19):
belief that you have to learn totolerate.
Your anxiety and nothing couldbe further from the truth.
These small things, groundingbreath work and really
understanding that feelingsaren't facts you can use to
train your brain to slow down,to pause.
(02:40):
Now what we're going to do todayis use that pause to create
long-term change.
Let me begin with a review ofwhat is your amygdala.
The amygdala is a small, almondshaped part of your brain that's
always scanning for threats.
Its job is to keep you safe.
The problem is it's fast andit's not always accurate.
(03:04):
That means it often overreactsas if you're in danger when
really you're just facing aneveryday challenge.
A challenge you might not like,but one that is not dangerous.
And science backs this up.
Neuroscience research shows howthe amygdala can misfire and
fuel anxiety even when there'sno real danger.
(03:26):
A client of mine shared a travelstory that illustrates this.
Her suitcase was pulled asidefor inspection, something that
had never happened to her.
Her anxiety went from zero to10.
In about 10 seconds, sheinstinctively grabbed her phone
to text her husband that shemight not be allowed on the
flight.
A few minutes later, her bag wasreturned.
(03:48):
The culprit, a large bottle ofshampoo that violated carry on
regulations.
The point is, your amygdalaisn't a flawless security
system.
Just like your home securitysystem, it can sometimes sound
false alarms, and it is your jobto navigate what is true and
(04:08):
what isn't Just like your homealarm, when your amygdala
misfires, it will fuel youranxiety, it is really common to
respond in one of two ways.
The first is blame.
You tell yourself, thisshouldn't have happened.
That person shouldn't have saidthat.
This situation is awful.
(04:30):
You might spend hours rehashingit.
Overtalking it with friends orreplaying it in your mind
instead of helping blameactually keeps your amygdala
revved up.
One of my clients was veryanxious about her boyfriend's
ex-wife before they went to hisson's games, she'd spend lots of
time telling friends andcoworkers how cold this woman
(04:52):
was and how she would ruin thenight.
By the time she arrived, she wasexhausted and so focused on the
ex-wife that she couldn't enjoythe outing with her boyfriend.
The second reaction you may havewhen your amygdala sounds, the
alarm is unclaim.
This means staying away fromwhat makes you anxious.
(05:13):
You avoid the hard conversation,skip the social event, or put
off the flight.
Avoidance feels like relief inthe moment, but it quietly and
slowly shrinks your world.
You stop doing things youactually want to do and your
amygdala never learns that thosethings aren't truly dangerous.
(05:34):
I had a client who was invitedto give a prestigious talk in
another country.
He turned it down because heknew that one of his old bosses
who had fired him was going tobe there.
In his mind, all he could thinkabout was the experience of
being let go by his other boss.
Not the fact that in thiscurrent job he had been chosen
(05:56):
to give this prestigious talk.
Blame and unclaim are bothcommon.
They're also both traps.
So what's the alternative?
Tend and befriend the one thingyou must do to reduce anxiety
long-term is tend and befriend.
And this isn't just a therapytrick.
(06:17):
It's supported by researchshowing that changing how you
respond to anxiety can literallyrewire your brain.
Yes.
The more you overcome youranxiety, the more you teach your
amygdala to not overreact.
I know this sounds unusual,especially if you spend a lot of
(06:37):
time being mad and judgmentaltoward your anxiety.
But stay with me because whatI'm going to share has worked
for hundreds of my clients.
Instead of criticizing youranxiety, and avoiding the fear,
you become a good friend to it.
Think about your closestrelationships.
Good friends don't lie to eachother.
(06:58):
They don't let one another.
Stay stuck in false stories.
They tell the truth, but withkindness, that's exactly how you
need to treat your amygdala.
When it tells you you can't flyor you'll embarrass yourself.
If you ask for a raise, youdon't attack it, but you also
don't believe the lie.
You respond like a good friend.
(07:20):
I know you're scared, but thisisn't dangerous.
I can handle this.
I had a client who workedremotely.
She was very social andextroverted, but by early
afternoon, she felt lonely.
She wanted desperately to workfrom a coffee shop just to be
around other people, but heranxiety about going there by
(07:41):
herself kept her locked in herhouse and feeling awful by the
end of the day.
She chose to tend and befriendher anxiety.
This is what it looks like.
Step one, she chose to exposeherself to the fear instead of
running from it, she took asmall, intentional step toward
(08:01):
it.
First by running a mental movie.
A mental movie is rehearsing inyour mind three times the thing
that makes you anxious.
You can expect to feeldiscomfort And because you
expect the discomfort, you canchoose to sit with it to tend
it.
As it rises, you meet it withbreath work and self-kindness.
(08:25):
Step three, tell yourself thetruth.
Remind yourself, my amygdala iswrong on this one.
I can go to the coffee shop andwork just like other remote
workers, actually see yourselfdoing it.
Repeat this sequence of themental movie three times in
attending and befriending spiritand notice the small ideas that
(08:47):
come to mind that make this morepossible.
for my remote work client, themental movie surfaced a helpful
idea.
Go to a coffee shop a bitfarther from her home where many
remote workers gathered.
She hadn't thought of that.
Until the rehearsal, the beautyof the mental movie is that it
increases your self trustbecause it often gives you ideas
(09:10):
that really work for you, unlikeyour amygdala, which sometimes
tells you things that aren'ttrue.
Here's the most important partof tending and befriending.
When you soften your fear, youaccept that it doesn't vanish.
You choose to do what you reallywant and you bring your fear
with you, but you also bringcoping skills that allow you to
(09:34):
manage that fear.
This is what courage actuallylooks like.
It is not the absence of fear.
It's moving forward despite it,but not forward in a way that
isn't prepared forward, whereyou bring your coping skills and
you're ready to tend andbefriend.
so what's the best way to start?
(09:55):
I encourage you to make a listof your top three fears.
Maybe it's asking to be put on aproject you're interested in
inviting a new friend to dinneror flying.
Start with the easiest one.
Let's say inviting a new friendto dinner this week.
Not next, but this week.
Set a date before you do it.
(10:17):
Rehearse with the mental movie.
Check out episode 180 6.
If you want more informationabout this before you do it,
rehearse with the mental movieplay the movie in your mind
three times.
Imagine yourself typing thetext, pressing, send, breathing
through the discomfort, andmoving through the waiting
(10:38):
period for their response.
Imagine a yes response and a noresponse.
You can handle whatever it is,then do it.
Push send.
Your amygdala will sound thealarm that's expected.
Your job is to tend andbefriend.
Breathe.
(10:58):
Stay kind and remind yourself Ican do this.
I've worked with many people whofear flying.
They move from blame and unclaimto tend and befriend, and it's
still hard.
At first.
One client in her mental moviecame up with the idea of
creating a flying playlist, notwith songs, but with breath work
(11:20):
to help her reregulate hernervous system as she sat in the
plane waiting for takeoff, shealso created a mantra.
Flying is the safest mode oftravel.
Flying is the safest mode oftravel.
She worked this fear sosuccessfully that now she
mentions flying as if she neverhad any fear about it.
(11:40):
She also shared with me one ofthe little disgust benefits of
working through anxiety, whenshe said, I am so glad I got
over my fear of flying before Ihad kids.
I would hate to have passed thaton to them.
Every time you face a fear andcome through safely, you're
teaching your amygdala somethingnew That means you are rewiring
(12:03):
it, you're reducing its falsealarms, and that's the only way
to truly reduce anxiety forever.
Life is long and it's short.
Depending on your perspective,it's long enough that you don't
have to work on all your anxietyat once.
Make a list of your top threeand over the next months
(12:24):
systematically use the tendonbefriend method, so the mistruth
your amygdala is telling you.
Don't run the show.
Once you've made good progress,create another list of three.
Remember, you don't need to getyour anxiety down to zero.
You need to move through it soit doesn't stop you from doing
what you want and meeting yourgoals.
(12:46):
In this episode, you'vediscovered why your amygdala
often gets it wrong when tryingto keep you safe.
How blame and avoidance keep youstuck in midlife anxiety and the
one practice tend to befriendthat rewires your brain and
helps you move towards yourgoal.
If you would like my free onepager that walks you, step by
(13:08):
step through the 10 to be friendprocess, send me an email at MJ
at MJ Murray von.com.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Monday with more
creating midlife calm.
In this episode, you'll discover the one
thing you must do to reduce youranxiety forever.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:07):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the
podcast where you and I tacklestress and anxiety in midlife so
you can stop feeling like crap,feel more present at home, and
thrive at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon a LicensedClinical Social Worker with over
50,000 hours of therapy sessionsand 32 years of teaching
(00:27):
practical science-backed mentalwellness.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:31):
Welcome to the podcast.
One of the biggest changes I'veseen in my nearly 40 years as a
therapist is how people talkabout anxiety today.
It can sound like part ofidentity.
I have anxiety, so I can't fly,or I'd love to join you, but my
anxiety won't let me drive atnight.
I even have the occasionalreferral that says I'd love to
(00:53):
do therapy, but my anxiety won'tlet me see you in person.
Many of my clients introducethemselves in couples mode.
Hi, I'm Sue, and this is myspouse.
Anxiety.
He's making my life miserable,but I don't want a divorce.
Back in the eighties, the goalwasn't to work around anxiety,
or simply learn to tolerate it.
(01:14):
It was to get rid of it.
And while we understand anxietyas part of being human, and we
do actually need some of it, Ialso know that many situations
that trigger anxiety can beovercome.
In this episode, you'll discoverwhy your amygdala, the root of
your anxiety, often gets itwrong, and how blame and unclaim
(01:36):
keep you stuck in anxiety.
How tending and befriending youranxiety rewires your brain for
lasting calm and helps you meetyour goals and do what matters
most.
But first, how'd you do onMonday's Inner Challenge?
On Monday, I invited you topractice one calming skill three
(01:56):
times a day.
Maybe you grounded your feet,practiced slowing down your
breath, or reminded yourselfthat feelings aren't facts.
If you did this, you are alreadylaying the foundation for
today's work.
If you didn't, today's episodewill probably be a real
motivator because you, like manyare probably sitting with the
(02:19):
belief that you have to learn totolerate.
Your anxiety and nothing couldbe further from the truth.
These small things, groundingbreath work and really
understanding that feelingsaren't facts you can use to
train your brain to slow down,to pause.
(02:40):
Now what we're going to do todayis use that pause to create
long-term change.
Let me begin with a review ofwhat is your amygdala.
The amygdala is a small, almondshaped part of your brain that's
always scanning for threats.
Its job is to keep you safe.
The problem is it's fast andit's not always accurate.
(03:04):
That means it often overreactsas if you're in danger when
really you're just facing aneveryday challenge.
A challenge you might not like,but one that is not dangerous.
And science backs this up.
Neuroscience research shows howthe amygdala can misfire and
fuel anxiety even when there'sno real danger.
(03:26):
A client of mine shared a travelstory that illustrates this.
Her suitcase was pulled asidefor inspection, something that
had never happened to her.
Her anxiety went from zero to10.
In about 10 seconds, sheinstinctively grabbed her phone
to text her husband that shemight not be allowed on the
flight.
A few minutes later, her bag wasreturned.
(03:48):
The culprit, a large bottle ofshampoo that violated carry on
regulations.
The point is, your amygdalaisn't a flawless security
system.
Just like your home securitysystem, it can sometimes sound
false alarms, and it is your jobto navigate what is true and
(04:08):
what isn't Just like your homealarm, when your amygdala
misfires, it will fuel youranxiety, it is really common to
respond in one of two ways.
The first is blame.
You tell yourself, thisshouldn't have happened.
That person shouldn't have saidthat.
This situation is awful.
(04:30):
You might spend hours rehashingit.
Overtalking it with friends orreplaying it in your mind
instead of helping blameactually keeps your amygdala
revved up.
One of my clients was veryanxious about her boyfriend's
ex-wife before they went to hisson's games, she'd spend lots of
time telling friends andcoworkers how cold this woman
(04:52):
was and how she would ruin thenight.
By the time she arrived, she wasexhausted and so focused on the
ex-wife that she couldn't enjoythe outing with her boyfriend.
The second reaction you may havewhen your amygdala sounds, the
alarm is unclaim.
This means staying away fromwhat makes you anxious.
(05:13):
You avoid the hard conversation,skip the social event, or put
off the flight.
Avoidance feels like relief inthe moment, but it quietly and
slowly shrinks your world.
You stop doing things youactually want to do and your
amygdala never learns that thosethings aren't truly dangerous.
(05:34):
I had a client who was invitedto give a prestigious talk in
another country.
He turned it down because heknew that one of his old bosses
who had fired him was going tobe there.
In his mind, all he could thinkabout was the experience of
being let go by his other boss.
Not the fact that in thiscurrent job he had been chosen
(05:56):
to give this prestigious talk.
Blame and unclaim are bothcommon.
They're also both traps.
So what's the alternative?
Tend and befriend the one thingyou must do to reduce anxiety
long-term is tend and befriend.
And this isn't just a therapytrick.
(06:17):
It's supported by researchshowing that changing how you
respond to anxiety can literallyrewire your brain.
Yes.
The more you overcome youranxiety, the more you teach your
amygdala to not overreact.
I know this sounds unusual,especially if you spend a lot of
(06:37):
time being mad and judgmentaltoward your anxiety.
But stay with me because whatI'm going to share has worked
for hundreds of my clients.
Instead of criticizing youranxiety, and avoiding the fear,
you become a good friend to it.
Think about your closestrelationships.
Good friends don't lie to eachother.
(06:58):
They don't let one another.
Stay stuck in false stories.
They tell the truth, but withkindness, that's exactly how you
need to treat your amygdala.
When it tells you you can't flyor you'll embarrass yourself.
If you ask for a raise, youdon't attack it, but you also
don't believe the lie.
You respond like a good friend.
(07:20):
I know you're scared, but thisisn't dangerous.
I can handle this.
I had a client who workedremotely.
She was very social andextroverted, but by early
afternoon, she felt lonely.
She wanted desperately to workfrom a coffee shop just to be
around other people, but heranxiety about going there by
(07:41):
herself kept her locked in herhouse and feeling awful by the
end of the day.
She chose to tend and befriendher anxiety.
This is what it looks like.
Step one, she chose to exposeherself to the fear instead of
running from it, she took asmall, intentional step toward
(08:01):
it.
First by running a mental movie.
A mental movie is rehearsing inyour mind three times the thing
that makes you anxious.
You can expect to feeldiscomfort And because you
expect the discomfort, you canchoose to sit with it to tend
it.
As it rises, you meet it withbreath work and self-kindness.
(08:25):
Step three, tell yourself thetruth.
Remind yourself, my amygdala iswrong on this one.
I can go to the coffee shop andwork just like other remote
workers, actually see yourselfdoing it.
Repeat this sequence of themental movie three times in
attending and befriending spiritand notice the small ideas that
(08:47):
come to mind that make this morepossible.
for my remote work client, themental movie surfaced a helpful
idea.
Go to a coffee shop a bitfarther from her home where many
remote workers gathered.
She hadn't thought of that.
Until the rehearsal, the beautyof the mental movie is that it
increases your self trustbecause it often gives you ideas
(09:10):
that really work for you, unlikeyour amygdala, which sometimes
tells you things that aren'ttrue.
Here's the most important partof tending and befriending.
When you soften your fear, youaccept that it doesn't vanish.
You choose to do what you reallywant and you bring your fear
with you, but you also bringcoping skills that allow you to
(09:34):
manage that fear.
This is what courage actuallylooks like.
It is not the absence of fear.
It's moving forward despite it,but not forward in a way that
isn't prepared forward, whereyou bring your coping skills and
you're ready to tend andbefriend.
so what's the best way to start?
(09:55):
I encourage you to make a listof your top three fears.
Maybe it's asking to be put on aproject you're interested in
inviting a new friend to dinneror flying.
Start with the easiest one.
Let's say inviting a new friendto dinner this week.
Not next, but this week.
Set a date before you do it.
(10:17):
Rehearse with the mental movie.
Check out episode 180 6.
If you want more informationabout this before you do it,
rehearse with the mental movieplay the movie in your mind
three times.
Imagine yourself typing thetext, pressing, send, breathing
through the discomfort, andmoving through the waiting
(10:38):
period for their response.
Imagine a yes response and a noresponse.
You can handle whatever it is,then do it.
Push send.
Your amygdala will sound thealarm that's expected.
Your job is to tend andbefriend.
Breathe.
(10:58):
Stay kind and remind yourself Ican do this.
I've worked with many people whofear flying.
They move from blame and unclaimto tend and befriend, and it's
still hard.
At first.
One client in her mental moviecame up with the idea of
creating a flying playlist, notwith songs, but with breath work
(11:20):
to help her reregulate hernervous system as she sat in the
plane waiting for takeoff, shealso created a mantra.
Flying is the safest mode oftravel.
Flying is the safest mode oftravel.
She worked this fear sosuccessfully that now she
mentions flying as if she neverhad any fear about it.
(11:40):
She also shared with me one ofthe little disgust benefits of
working through anxiety, whenshe said, I am so glad I got
over my fear of flying before Ihad kids.
I would hate to have passed thaton to them.
Every time you face a fear andcome through safely, you're
teaching your amygdala somethingnew That means you are rewiring
(12:03):
it, you're reducing its falsealarms, and that's the only way
to truly reduce anxiety forever.
Life is long and it's short.
Depending on your perspective,it's long enough that you don't
have to work on all your anxietyat once.
Make a list of your top threeand over the next months
(12:24):
systematically use the tendonbefriend method, so the mistruth
your amygdala is telling you.
Don't run the show.
Once you've made good progress,create another list of three.
Remember, you don't need to getyour anxiety down to zero.
You need to move through it soit doesn't stop you from doing
what you want and meeting yourgoals.
(12:46):
In this episode, you'vediscovered why your amygdala
often gets it wrong when tryingto keep you safe.
How blame and avoidance keep youstuck in midlife anxiety and the
one practice tend to befriendthat rewires your brain and
helps you move towards yourgoal.
If you would like my free onepager that walks you, step by
(13:08):
step through the 10 to be friendprocess, send me an email at MJ
at MJ Murray von.com.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Monday with more
creating midlife calm.
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