Ep. 196 Essential Coping Skills for Midlife Loneliness: How to Ease Anxiety and Stress by Rebuilding Community.

Does your busyness cover up midlife loneliness without truly easing your anxiety and stress?
You’re not alone—belonging often fades when school, church, or work communities disappear, leaving a quiet ache.

In this episode, you’ll discover:

1.     Why loneliness in midlife reminds us that busyness doesn’t equal belonging.

2.     How belonging shifts once familiar communities disappear—and why creating connection becomes a DIY project.

3.     Three practical coping skills to rebuild community and ease midlife loneliness, anxiety, and stress.

🎧 Take 10 minutes to reclaim calm and connection in midlife—you’re worth it.

Send us a text

****

About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Episode Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (3) (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover
how the key to overcomingmidlife loneliness lies in
looking back.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, the podcast where you and
I tackle stress and anxiety inmidlife so you can stop feeling
like crap, feel more present athome, and thrive at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon a LicensedClinical Social Worker with over

(00:23):
50,000 hours of therapy sessionsand 32 years of teaching
practical science-backed mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast Thisyear, the most popular podcast
episodes have been on midlifeloneliness.
As I've said before, thissurprised me even though the
news often reminds us thatloneliness is an epidemic for

(00:45):
all ages.
Check out episode 1 46 if youwant the wise, but today.
It's story time.
I wanna share with you a reallife story.
Something that just happenedthis past weekend that helped me
see a possible solution to theloneliness you might be feeling.
And hey, maybe you aren'tlonely, but maybe one of your

(01:07):
parents or siblings is.
If so, listen and share thispodcast with them.
Because in this episode, you'regonna discover why loneliness
and midlife can persist evenwhen life feels full and busy.
How belonging shifts onceschool, church, or work
communities fade.

(01:27):
And why creating connectionbecomes a DIY project.
And lastly, three practicalstrategies to rebuild community
and ease your midlifeloneliness.
Let me share with you my story.
My children attended a K througheight school that, besides being
a very good education, wasfilled with many wonderful

(01:48):
individuals and families.
It was also the place where Icreated my mental wellness
program, Inner Challenge.
No School is Perfect.
This one wasn't, but it was adarn good one.
One of the most special thingsabout it was the community, the
people who made it tick, youknow, the outstanding principle.

(02:09):
The overworked teachers whosmiled on most days, and the
many parents probably like you,who pitched in to coach teams,
cook hot dogs and sew costumesfor the school play.
It was a true place ofcommunity.
Yet, like all good things, itcame to an end.
Our kids graduated and after 21years of teaching Inner

(02:31):
Challenge to the junior highstudents, so did I.
At first, I didn't think toomuch about not being part of
this community that we had grownto depend on.
Life was busy.
I had my clients, my agingparents.
My lawn demo, mow dinners tocook, and all the other crushing
responsibilities of midlife.

(02:53):
My kids were moving into theirown high school and college
communities where parents areappropriately sidelined.
Every so often though, I wouldthink about that community and
feel an ache inside.
I might run into someone at thegrocery and the ache would
return.
Then three weeks ago, out ofnowhere, three women sent my
husband and me an email invitingus to the annual picnic right

(03:16):
there on the school parking lot,in the last year, I realized I
missed those people.
I missed that community.
And here were three brave womenwho must have felt the same
because they were gathering ustogether again.
And to be honest, I was a littlehesitant, a little afraid
walking up to the school that Ihad literally walked up to

(03:40):
thousands of times, but on abeautiful Saturday night, I
pushed through that fear and satdown with about 20 of us ate
cold hamburgers that weren'tthat good and caught up.
Each person I spoke withexpressed deep appreciation for
the invite.
Some said, I really miss this.
Others said I'm home by myself alot.

(04:03):
We are busy and we are lonely.
The two can live side by.
Busyness can cover uploneliness, but it can't fill
it.
What fills it is conversationwith interesting people, just
like their children have gone onto grow and to develop.
Each of these people that Ispoke with that night, I found

(04:23):
fascinating.
I found just sitting andlearning about their lives,
catching up on what theirchildren were doing to fill a
certain spot in me that I'm notquite sure I knew was empty.
If you crave connection andconversation about real things
and you don't get enough of it,you're not alone.
You may feel lonely, but you'renot the only one saying In

(04:44):
midlife, I need relationshipsthat provide sustenance.
I need a sense of belong.
Maybe your community has brokendown because your kids are no
longer in school.
Maybe you no longer attendchurch.
Maybe you work remotely greatfor your family, but not always
great for your soul.
Here's what I want you toremember today.

(05:06):
Belonging matters.
In fact, the only real cure forloneliness is a sense of
belonging.
If you're lonely, it may haveless to do with you personally
and more to do with no longerbeing part of the structures
that used to give you communityautomatically.
At the picnic, someone asked mewould I consider midlife.

(05:28):
I've always said 35 to 75.
That may sound wide and is oftenshocking for some people, but
after working with clients formany years, it feels true.
Chip Conley, the founder ofModern Elder Academy, agrees he
also defines midlife as 35 to75, not the traditional 40 to 65

(05:50):
he sees it not as a crisis, butas a long stretch of renewal,
growth, and wisdom in today'slonger, healthier lifespans.
But one of the hard parts isthat we often outgrow our
communities, or maybe it'sbetter to say we graduate from
them.
For most of our lives, communityand belonging are created for
us.

(06:10):
But in the second half ofmidlife, you need a strategy to
create a place to belong.
In the last few days.
I have thought a lot about thatpicnic In my conversation with
my former and current friends,three strategies seemed to
surface that I think might helpease loneliness.
Number one, think aboutrevisiting old communities.

(06:34):
Think of the groups who've beenpart of and consider a reunion,
just like my example above.
Number two, extend youractivities that you're already
doing.
If you step into something newor a part of something like
pickleball, don't let thecommunity stop at the court.
Be brave like my friends, andinvite people out afterwards.

(06:56):
Number three, create meaningfulgatherings.
If you're part of a communitythat's busy, but surface level,
gather people with gentleboundaries, maybe no talk of
kids, school or politics.
A few months ago.
I got an email from a group ofmoms who had listened to my
podcast.
I thought, that is such a greatidea.

(07:17):
No one has to read the book, 10minutes discuss.
The point is create a gathering,but don't overthink it.
I can't help but think that mythree friends who sent the email
just did it.
And guess what?
They kind of hit it out of thepark at the picnic.
There were even little notecards inviting us to gather

(07:38):
again in a month.
I'm pretty sure the attendancewill be good.
One woman admitted as she wasleaving that she had made backup
plans because she wasn't so surehow it would go.
I laughed and said, me too.
My husband and I brought ourwalking shoes, aren't we humans
funny.
They say absence makes the heartgrow fonder.

(08:00):
But in this case, I think itmade our hearts afraid until we
reconnected and talked forhours.
No walking for me that night orin a month.
'cause I know where I'll begathering again.
This week, your Inner Challengeis probably pretty obvious.
I want you to write down threecommunities you've been part of

(08:21):
in life so far.
Maybe grade school, achampionship team, a favorite
church group, an oldneighborhood, whatever comes to
mind.
Then look at them and challengeyourself to be brave and send an
email to a few people for agathering.
It could be in person or onZoom.
In this episode, you'vediscovered that busyness can

(08:42):
cover up loneliness, but truebelonging comes from real
connection.
Why midlife requires you to takethe lead in creating the
communities you need, and threeways to bravely rebuild
connection through reunions,extending activities into deeper
relationships, and gatheringpeople for real connection.

(09:03):
So here's the hard truth inmidlife.
Once the old communities fadeconnection becomes a DIY
project, that means you may needto slay a few dragons to find
your new kingdom,
and that's exactly what I'mgonna talk about on Thursday,
including my respectfuldisagreement with Mel Robbins,
who says it takes 200 hours tofind a close friend

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (3 (09:26):
thanks for listening.
And I'll be back on Thursdaywith more Creating midlife Calm.