Ep. 198 The Surprising Science Backed Coping Skill That Will Silence Your Inner Critic, Ease Midlife Anxiety & Calm Stress

Why do your efforts to silence your inner critic never seem to last?
You’re not alone—midlife anxiety and stress often thrive when criticism becomes a daily habit.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.  Why calming your outer critic is the real key to quieting your inner critic
2.  How midlife stress, anxiety, and overthinking are fueled by cultural patterns of criticism
3.  The surprising science of what criticism does to your body—and the coping skill that rewires your brain in real time
 Take 11 minutes to silence your critic, ease midlife anxiety, and lower stress—you’re worth it.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Episode Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover why the
secret to quieting your Innercritic begins on the outside,

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:06):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the
podcast where you and I tacklestress and anxiety in midlife so
you can stop feeling like crap,feel more present at home, and
thrive at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon a LicensedClinical Social Worker with over
50,000 hours of therapy sessionsand 32 years of teaching

(00:26):
practical science-backed mentalwellness.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:31):
welcome to the podcast.
Most of us, try to quiet theInner critic by changing how we
talk to ourselves.
You know, self-compassion,positive mantras, even that
adorable one from the movie, thehelp you as kind, you as smart
you is important.
And sometimes that works, butoften it doesn't stick.

(00:53):
Isn't that confusing?
That's exactly what we're gonnatackle today.
In this episode, you'll discoverwhy the secret to quieting your
Inner critic begins on theoutside, the surprising science
of criticism, how our culturefuels criticism, and a three
step process to help your Innercritic quit it.

(01:15):
So why is it hard to tame thatvoice on the inside?
All good therapists go totherapy and trust me, I've worn
a well tried and path to manydifferent therapists over the
years.
I've learned from each of them.
But years ago, one gave me anassignment that really changed
things.
She asked me to make a list ofwhat I was criticizing as I

(01:37):
moved through just one day.
Not things about myself, butthings outside of myself.
Being a good student, I made alist I was shocked at how often
I was critical.
My husband worked too much.
My supervisor was too picky.
That was the truth.
My clients weren't healing fastenough.

(01:57):
Chicago drivers were crazy.
The bank teller was too slow,the laundromat too dirty.
I was in my late twenties tryingto grow into self-awareness.
And that assignment really helda mirror up to how critical I
was being as I walked through mydays.
I went back to therapy the nextweek and my therapist gave me a

(02:18):
twist.
She challenged me to go two fulldays without being critical of
things I had no control over,such as my husband's work
schedule.
She wasn't working on my Innercritic.
She was working on myunrealistic desire to control.
And it worked.
I became more aware of what Inow call staying in my lane.

(02:41):
But here's what surprised me.
That intervention was what Icall a twofer because being less
critical on the outside actuallymade me less critical on the
inside.
That's the key.
Your Inner critic doesn't justlive inside of you.
It gets stronger every time.
You criticize out there.

(03:02):
Your partner, your coworker, thedriver in front of you, even
someone on social media.
Here's the surprising truth.
If you want to calm your Innercritic, start with the outer
one.
That's why today's coping skillis called critic.
Quit it.
I want you to think of yourcritic like a muscle.

(03:23):
Every time you criticizesomeone, you're lifting weights
with that muscle.
It gets stronger, sharper, andmore automatic.
Eventually, that same muscleturns inward.
Start by noticing how you talkor think about others.
The outer critic is often thepractice round for your Inner

(03:44):
critic, this may be the onlytime someone tells you, let's
get that muscle to atrophy.
Not with brute force, but withjust enough energy and attention
to the coping skill.
I call critic.
Quit it.
I find coping skills are mosteffective when they're grounded
in science, and here's whatscience tells us about

(04:06):
criticism.
The brain doesn't reallydistinguish between outer and
Inner.
When you criticize others, yourstress system still fires.
Cortisol rises your nervoussystem shifts into threat mode,
and you stay on high alert.
On the flip side, when youreplace criticism with
curiosity.

(04:27):
Or compassion.
Your brain releases oxytocin andother calming chemicals.
You literally rewire your brainto feel calmer, and that's what
this podcast is all about.
let Me share a story from thecouch.
I had a client who wasabsolutely miserable at work.

(04:49):
His boss micromanaged everythinghe did every night.
He went home and unloaded on hiswife.
Every morning.
He dreaded walking into theoffice for good reasons.
He wasn't in a position to lookfor a new job, so he came to
therapy, worn out and said, howdo I cope with this impossible
boss?

(05:09):
I taught him the coping skillcritic.
Quit it.
I asked him to run thisexperiment.
Every time he silentlycriticized his boss, say to
himself, critic, quit it, andthen shift his focus back to his
work at lunch, he emailed me.
MJ, what the heck?
For the first time in months, myshoulders aren't tense.

(05:32):
I don't feel exhausted.
What just happened?
Can I come in earlier this week?
Because while I feel better, Ikind of miss being critical.
That's how powerful the criticis.
It tricks you into thinkingcriticism is necessary when
really it's draining you.
And here's the catch.

(05:52):
Criticism is both exhausting.
And exhilarating, just look atour culture.
Outraged cells.
Social media thrives oncriticism.
News feeds are designed to keepus outraged.
En arrangement equalsengagement, but here's the cost.
When you consume constantcriticism, you practice it, you

(06:15):
feed the critic, and when thecritic is fed, it grows stronger
outwardly, and it almost alwaysshows up inwardly.
Fueling your anxiety, increasingyour stress, and your midlife
overthinking.
Ouch.
Criticism feels powerful, butit's false power.

(06:36):
It's power over, not power with.
This is where critic quit.
It comes in.
It's more than a catchy phrase.
It's a reset button you can useanytime, and it doesn't cost a
cent.
Here's the three step process.
Step one, notice.
Catch yourself in the act ofcriticizing.

(06:57):
Maybe you're thinking, why isshe always late, or, that's such
a dumb decision.
Just notice it.
Step two, name and tame.
Take a breath.
Ask yourself, is this helping mefeel calmer or more connected?
Almost always the answer is no.

(07:17):
Step three.
Aim and reframe.
Shift your thought.
Replace criticism withcuriosity.
I wonder what's going on forthem, or compassion.
That must be hard, or sometimesjust silence.
Say to yourself, critic, quitit.
Then follow those three steps.

(07:38):
you might be saying, but MJ,aren't you being a little
critical by saying critic quitit?
Well, on one hand, yes, but thishabit of criticizing does need a
firm hand.
It doesn't need a slap, but itneeds you to pay special
attention to it and begin todevelop a healthier way of

(07:59):
responding to those thingsoutside of you Here's another
story from the couch.
I once worked with a client whohad immigrated here from Asia.
She came from a family ofincredibly high achievers.
Their beliefs were simple.
You can never aim high enoughand you can never do things well
enough.
She carried both a loud Innercritic and a sharp outer one,

(08:24):
and for years that critic pushedpeople away, the very people she
needed during a time of deeploss.
In our first session, I wasseven minutes late and she was
furious.
She sat down, she looked at meand she said Being late is very
unprofessional, but after monthsof practicing critic, quit it.

(08:48):
She came in one day and said,now, when you're late, I tell
myself, MJ is probably givingthe client before me a few extra
minutes, just like she does forme when I need it.
That one shift from criticism tocuriosity, to understanding
softened her, it allowed her tostay connected instead of

(09:10):
pushing people away, and mostimportantly, it was her first
step in learning how to softenand quiet her Inner critic.
So here's your Inner Challenge.
For the next 24 hours, everytime you catch yourself
criticizing someone else, sayout loud or to yourself, critic,

(09:30):
quit it.
Then use the three steps.
Notice, name and tame, aim andreframe.
To make it easier, choose justone arena to practice in, be it
driving, scrolling, or in yourclosest relationship.
And then just notice whathappens.
Remember.

(09:51):
Critic quit.
It only works if you practiceit.
Knowing does not bring aboutchange, but doing sure does.
In this episode, you discoveredthe secret to quieting your
Inner critic begins on theoutside criticism, whether
directed outward or inward.
Why is your brain for stress ourculture fuels your criticism,

(10:14):
but you can choose connectioninstead and by using critic quit
it.
Notice, name and tame.
Aim and reframe.
You can begin taming your Innercritic on the outside, which
opens the door to moregentleness on the inside.
And that's exactly what we'regonna talk about on Thursday.

(10:37):
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Thursday with more
creating midlife calm.