Ep. 203 — Why "Pushing Through" Midlife Anxiety Backfires and Coping Skills To Regain Energy & Calm

Do you pride yourself on powering through—but secretly feel drained and resentful?
Pushing through anxiety and stress feels like the only option in midlife, but the truth is it often backfires.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.    Why pushing through actually keeps the stress cycle open and makes anxiety worse
2.    The hidden costs of  the “push-through mode” in midlife
3.    How to use RESET coping skills to calm anxiety, conserve energy, and reconnect with what matters
 Take 13 minutes to stop burning out and start building calm—you’re worth it.

Send us a text

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Episode Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover why
pushing through anxietybackfires and a reset that will
give you more energy and calm.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:08):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the
podcast where you and I tacklestress and anxiety in midlife so
you can stop feeling like crap,feel more present at home, and
thrive at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon a LicensedClinical Social Worker with over
50,000 hours of therapy sessionsand 32 years of teaching

(00:29):
practical science-backed mentalwellness.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:32):
Welcome to the podcast.
On Monday, we talked aboutstopping a bad day before it
takes over your week.
Today we're looking at a habitmany of us rely on without even
noticing it, pushing through.
Do you skip lunch to keep up,answer emails with your jaw
tight, or tell yourself I'mfine.

(00:53):
When you actually feel full ofresentment that's pushing
through.
this episode, you'll discoverwhy pushing through feels
natural and why it often makesyour anxiety worse, the real
costs, physical, emotional, andrelational, and a better way,
how to use reset when you catchyourself power and through.

(01:17):
Before we dive in, let's quicklycheck in on Monday's Inner
Challenge because we're gonnause RESET again today.
On Monday, my Inner Challengewas to find your reset.
When a bad day starts brewing,hit reset.
R, recognize and reframe.
I am having a bad day and I'mturning it around.

(01:40):
E, Exhale and breathe.
Yep.
Breath work.
It's free and it works.
S self-compassion, notself-pity.
This is hard and I can dobetter.
E.
Engage your thoughts.
Is this the whole truth?
Will this matter this afternoon?

(02:00):
Tomorrow, next year, and t takea tiny step in a healthier
direction.
A client came in yesterday andsaid, I reset a bad day this
morning.
She told me that her boss walkedin grumpy, looked at her and
said, have you noticed your teamis late on everything?
Instead of spinning, she got upfrom her desk to get some

(02:23):
coffee.
She told herself, I am not gonnalet that comment ruin my day.
She breathed while the machinemade her latte, and thought,
there are lots of factors to whywe miss deadlines, and it is not
just my team.
Her body moved from defensive tocalm.
she walked back to her desk andshook her arms, and all of a

(02:45):
sudden the song from Frozenpopped into her head.
Let it go.
Trust me.
When you decide to not letsomething ruin your day, you
will often get a little bit ofhelp from things that catch off
guard like a song.
What used to steal the wholeday?
Venting to a coworker, skippinglunch to prove, see, I do work

(03:06):
hard can become a reset.
Reset helps you step back intoyour power.
But the key is you have todecide that you want to change
your mind.
A little bit of intention goes along way, and when you do this,
it gives you energy for whatneeds attention.
That day's work, projectplanning, the birthday party.

(03:28):
And scheduling those doctorappointments because you didn't
let a bad mood steal your day.
On Monday, we practiced a fastreset for bad days today.
Same tool, new target, the pushthrough habit.
because Pushing through, it'scommon in midlife work,

(03:49):
caregiving, logistics, teensthat won't clean their room or
leave the house on time.
It is not easy.
And you probably trainedyourself to keep going no matter
what.
For many of us, pushing throughis so ingrained that we barely
notice it.
Especially if you had anxiety asa kid, you may have been told

(04:10):
lovingly or maybe sometimes notso lovingly just push through
sometimes.
This is helpful.
When is pushing through,helpful.
When you need to get throughthat moment, you know you have a
short presentation.
You know, you're anxious, butyou push through or you're
facing something that youusually avoid.

(04:32):
Such as driving on busyhighways.
Or you're going to a socialgathering that really has
triggered your social anxiety.
In each of these examples.
Pushing through actually is thehealthy thing to do.
But what I wanna encourage youto do is to push through and let
your body recover.

(04:52):
So after the presentation, takesome breaths and a short walk.
Instead of challenging yourselfto drive 15 miles on the
highway, just go one exit untilyou really feel comfortable and
going to that social functionand staying for 20 minutes.
Notice that in each of theseexamples, pushing through is a

(05:13):
good coping skill, but you'redoing it with support and
recovery afterwards.
The problem is when push throughbecomes your only tool.
You get a lot done, but thecosts are often invisible.
So let's look under the hood ofpushing through the reason that
pushing through often backfiresis it keeps you in the stress

(05:35):
cycle.
Your body never gets the messagethat the threat is over.
If you want more about thestress cycle, listen to episode
1 79.
Are you using, pushing throughas a form of emotional
regulation?
To be honest, it isn't.
It's actually emotionalsuppression, a form of
avoidance.

(05:56):
When you shove feelings down,they rebound stronger, your
anxiety gets louder, notquieter, and it often turns into
resentment.
Midlife adds, load.
Aging parents, teens launchingor maybe not relationships.
Work and menopause.
Powering through everything.

(06:17):
Becomes unsustainable, and yoursystem can start acting like
every task is an emergency.
When the stress cycle staysopen.
Here's how it shows up in reallife.
Physically, you feel exhausted,your muscles are tight and
tense.
You may have headaches,disrupted sleep, and emotionally

(06:38):
you feel lots of irritability,resentment, shame, and a
thinning sense of joy.
It can be really hard to feelhappiness.
There's so much on you.
You're not really feeling muchof anything and relationally
you're there, but you're notavailable.
The kids come home from schoolor your spouse comes home from

(06:59):
work and you're busy gettingdinner.
You say hello, but you don'treally connect.
One of my clients who was caringfor her aging mother had a wake
up call her mother fell and shehad to go to the er, and the
doctor said to her, well, withall your mom's illnesses, a
fall, may one day end her life.

(07:20):
My client felt slapped awake.
She realized that she had becomenumb racing through the tasks
without letting herself feel thetruth that one day her mom
wouldn't be there.
Think about it.
When does pushing through keepyou so focused on the moment
that you lose sight of the bigpicture?

(07:41):
And your body's so worn out,you've just kind of stopped
paying attention to it.
So the question is, if pushingthrough costs so much, why is it
so sticky to let go of up?
Because it works in the shortterm and that's why it's hard to
stop.
You get a lot done.
Checking boxes does give youquick relief, but the long term

(08:04):
costs stack up on your body,your mood, and your
relationships, and honestly.
Being able to enjoy life.
It isn't okay to wait for yourvacation to enjoy life.
Why not enjoy it today?
Probably because the moment youconsider slowing down your
anxiety's gonna say, but what ifI don't get it all done?

(08:27):
Maybe you will, maybe you won't.
But either way, there is akinder way to meet your moment.
Let's apply Monday's copingskill to this habit.
Reset.
When you use reset in themoment, you're gonna catch
yourself muscling forward.
Let's use an everyday examplethat still plagues me, but I

(08:47):
have really made good progressgrocery shopping.
Revs me up.
I wanna get it done fast.
I walk in like it's a race andmy body pays for it.
So I have trained myself topush, reset, or recognize and
reframe.
I am often in the middle of theproduce section before I notice.

(09:09):
Whoa.
I'm in push through mode and I'mgrocery shopping.
This is not necessary.
More force won't bring morecalm.
What do I do?
E exhale and ease.
I loosen my grip on the cart.
I take a few breaths.
I move my awareness to my feet,and I begin to walk in the

(09:32):
moment.
This calms my nervous system.
It reminds me that I don't needthis to be forced urgency.
It can be enjoyable.
I then do a little dose ofself-compassion.
This is a hard habit to break,and I kind of laugh because I've
been really working on this fora couple years, but I often

(09:52):
forget it.
It is just a part of me.
It doesn't make sense, but weall have parts that don't make
sense, but we don't have to letthem run the show.
Then I do EI engage my thought.
I actually have this thought.
MJ rushing to the grocery storewill probably save you two
minutes.
And you're gonna walk out withyour body tense for absolutely

(10:17):
no reason at all.
I say to myself, Hey, I'm hereevery week.
Slow down, feel your feet, andenjoy what really is incredible.
All of the options in theAmerican Grocery store.
Do you have things where youpush through and it's absolutely
not necessary?

(10:38):
Think about one of those thingsright now and make a commitment.
The next time you find yourselfdoing it, just say, I'm in push
through mode and I am gonna turnit around.
Let me share with you anothercoping skill that really softens
the habit of push through.
It's a mindset shift.

(10:59):
You move from, I have to, to Iget to.
I get to take care of my parentbefore they die.
I get to make dinner for my kidswho I love and someday won't be
living with me.
I get to connect you to the whyyou do the thing.
Care, integrity, love, or maybejust so you don't feel guilty.

(11:21):
That's normal.
It's also really normal.
To feel resistance when you tryto let go of these old patterns.
Don't be afraid of that.
It's hard to change.
I call'em updates and a lot oftimes we avoid updates because
our critical voice getsactivated.
Well, if I'm gonna do thisbetter now it means I was doing

(11:42):
it bad, then it's really nottrue.
Our whole life is updating.
If you can lean into the spiritof updates for the rest of your
life, it actually just meansthat you're committed to
improvement, to growth, and toreally sinking yourself up to
what you need at this age andstage of your life.

(12:03):
Which leads me to the homework Igive every client who struggles
with the desire to push through,do one thing you like each day.
Yep.
One thing I have noticed thatmost of my clients who are push
throughs have this in common.
They keep putting themself laston their list, and in midlife

(12:25):
you will never.
Get to the top.
There's just too much to do.
Don't make this difficult.
Just do one small thing.
Get a latte dance to yourfavorite song.
Read for 15 minutes.
Call your grandchild.
Or watch a show and do nothingelse.
One thing for you each and everyday.

(12:48):
A few minutes does a lot.
Remember pushing through doesreduce anxiety in the moment,
but it also increases exhaustionand erodes connection unless you
slow down long enough to smellthe roses.
So let's bring it all together.
In this episode, you discoveredwhy pushing through keeps the

(13:09):
stress cycle open and amplifiesyour anxiety, the cost it
creates in midlife on your body,your emotions, and your
relationships, and how to usereset so you can move forward
without burning out.
And why one small, enjoyablething each day softens the push
through habit and returns you toa sense of choice.

(13:32):
If today's episode has helpedshare it with a friend who
pushes through.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Monday with more
creating midlife calm.