Ep. 205 Surprising Coping Skills You Can Learn From Toddlers To Dissolve Anxiety and Stress In Midlife

What if the surprising key to dissolving midlife anxiety and stress comes from the way toddlers move through the world?
You’re not alone if stress and anxiety in midlife make calm feel out of reach.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.    Why eliminating outside stressors rarely creates lasting calm
2.    How toddlers teach powerful lessons about coping with midlife anxiety and stress
3.    Right-brain practices that reconnect you to the calm already inside of you
 Take 12 minutes to unlock calm from the inside out and ease midlife anxiety and stress—you’re worth it

Send us a text

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Episode Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover simple
ways to reconnect to the calmalready inside of you.
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calmthe podcast where you and I
tackle stress and anxiety inmidlife so you can stop feeling
like crap, feel more present athome, and thrive at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon a LicensedClinical Social Worker with over

(00:22):
50,000 hours of therapy sessionsand 32 years of teaching
practical science-backed mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
On Monday, I shared how a weekwith my 2-year-old grandson Neil
reignited, a deep sense of calmin me.
His calm was contagious, andwhen he went back home, I feel

(00:45):
even more committed to emphasizehere how important it is for you
to connect with the calm alreadyinside of you.
Even if that feels impossible inthis episode, you'll discover
why trying to eliminate outsidestressors doesn't really bring
lasting calm.
What the toddler brain can teachyou about being present and

(01:08):
resetting quickly, and the rightbrain practices that help you
reconnect to the calm alreadyinside of you.
Before we begin, let's check inwith the Inner Challenge I gave
you on Monday.
I invited you to notice onceyour thoughts started to spiral,
to stop ground your feet.

(01:29):
Take some calming breaths, andbring your focus back to
whatever you were doing, dishes,driving, eating, or talking with
someone.
You love the practice of doingthis reminds you that calm isn't
something you need to chase.
It's actually something youreturn to.

(01:51):
Yes.
The calm already inside of you.
Do you ever think if I just getrid of what's stressing me out,
then I'll feel calm?
Sometimes that does work.
Leaving a toxic job, setting aboundary, or getting your to-do
list done, but let's be honest,most of the time life won't let
you remove every stressor.

(02:13):
That's why the most powerfulpath.
Is learning how to be calm onthe inside.
Letting calm become yourfoundation.
Not a prize that the world handsyou.
And to do that, you needpractices that reconnect you to
the calm.
Already inside of you.
So what can we learn from thetoddler brain?

(02:34):
This is where toddlers are suchwise teachers at two years old,
their brains are wired to livein the moment.
The prefrontal cortex, that partof your brain that sits right
behind our forehead.
Its job is to plan, predict, butit also worries In toddlers,
this isn't mature yet, so theyaren't replaying yesterday or

(02:57):
forecasting what ifs fortomorrow.
Instead, toddlers are sensorydriven.
You actually know this once youthink about it.
They explore, they resetquickly.
That's why when they cry hardone minute and are laughing the
next.
Their brains naturally let themdrop back into presence Over the

(03:18):
years I've seen that adult.
What if Loop in my office moretimes than I can count.
Have you noticed it at night?
Your mind spins what?
I don't get the job.
What if my child gets cut fromthe team?
What if we don't have enoughmoney?
One client told me I go to bedand all I do is what ifs.
It's ruining my life.

(03:40):
That was her moment to trysomething new.
I asked, what sensory experiencedo you love more than?
Anything.
She lit up, oh, I love a bath.
She said, I would love to endeach night just soaking in a
tub.
I said, why don't you?

(04:00):
And she said, I don't have timefor that.
And then she caught herself andlaughed and said, oh, I won't
scroll.
I'm going to soak.
A week later at her nextappointment, she said soaking in
that tub changed everything.
The bath released all my stressof the day, and I slept so much

(04:22):
better.
Something equally importanthappened.
That sensory experience gave hera tangible experience of calm,
one that she could think ofduring her stressful days.
She would say to herself, Ugh,this is so stressful, but I can
soak it away tonight.
That's reconnecting with thecalm already inside of you.

(04:45):
I totally get it.
Midlife, ugh.
The load is so much.
You can be listening to thispodcast and think, MJ, I got way
too much stress and anxiety forme to reconnect with my calm,
but I really want to encourageyou to begin to imagine that you
can reconnect with your calm.

(05:07):
It's inside of you, and it'sfree for the asking.
I understand you can't go backto a toddler brain, but you can
borrow its strengths.
By activating your right brain.
As you know, your brain has twohemispheres.
The left brain is analytic.
It plans, organizes, judges, andworries.

(05:30):
The right brain is holistic.
It processes music, art, rhythm.
Imagery connection.
When you engage the right brain,you become more present,
embodied and calm.
Here's a few practices to try asI go through them, just take
notice of which ones you connectwith.

(05:50):
Music and rhythm put on music ormove with rhythm like my
grandson Neil did for Vivaldiduring the blood draw.
Music soothed him and shiftedhis focus.
Have you noticed how a singlesong can change your state, step
into your agency and use musicif that's your thing?

(06:11):
Art and imagery are wonderfulways to connect to your calm,
draw doodle.
Look at art or picture somethingcalming.
One client of mine who sufferedfrom panic attacks knew.
Every breathing technique, butthe thing that settled her the
most, push pin art a fewevenings a week, she sat with it

(06:32):
and her whole system relaxed itwasn't about the skill, it gave
her brain a gentle, absorbingfocus that calmed her body from
the inside out.
Being mindful of your body anddoing practices that connect you
to your body is such animportant part of cultivating

(06:53):
calm breath work, yoga, relaxingyour muscles, your right brain
tracks body sensations.
So tuning into your body bringsyou into the present.
Remember, stress and anxiety cantrap you in your head.
So here's a tip.
Each time you get up to use thebathroom, take 10 seconds, two

(07:15):
arm circles.
Touch your toes, follow yourbreath.
Say to yourself, I am not justmy head.
I am my whole body.
This quick reset helps youreconnect with the calm.
Already inside of you, and ofcourse, nature and awe.
Step outside, take out thoseearbuds.

(07:37):
Notice the colors, the textures,the sounds, even two minutes on
a porch counts.
Nature grounds your nervoussystem.
Hey, if you want my four minutesof cricket sounds guaranteed to
soothe your nervous system, justsend me an email at MJ at MJ
Murray Han.

(07:58):
And lastly, and perhaps mostimportantly, connection and eye
contact, emotional connectionwith a friend, a spouse, a
child, or a pet, pulls you backinto calm.
One client calls it catmindfulness.
Each morning her cat curls up onher lap for five to seven

(08:19):
minutes.
She just pets him by the end.
Both are deeply relaxed.
Science backs this up.
About 10 minutes of pettinglowers cortisol and blood
pressure and boost oxytocin,your bonding hormone.
I think that science says youcan pet not just your cat, if

(08:40):
you get what I mean.
It's not just comforting, it'sbiological, calm.
Now let's go to the M word, theone practice with a huge body of
research that most people wantto avoid.
Meditation.
I know that word can feelintimidating.
Maybe you've tried it andthought, I can't do this.

(09:02):
My mind won't stop.
Here's the truth.
Meditation has nothing to dowith stopping your thoughts.
It's about gently bringing yourmind back again and again, back
to the calm.
Already inside of you.
Think of it like a toddler witha toy completely absorbed in

(09:22):
stacking blocks or flippingthrough a book.
That focus is meditation in itssimplest form.
Attention anchored in the nowscience shows even a few
minutes, can calm the amygdala,lower stress hormones, and
strengthen your prefrontalcortex.
And over time, your brainliterally changes how it handles

(09:43):
anxiety, and it doesn't need tobe formal.
Sit for two minutes and noticeyour breath.
Focus on the sounds around youor repeat a calming word like
peace or love.
The goal isn't perfection.
The goal is practice.
Want my story about meditationin college?

(10:04):
I tried it once, lasted 15minutes and thought, Nope, not
for me.
In my forties, I tried it again.
Still overwhelming.
In my fifties, I found TaraBrock's guided practices online.
Her gentle voice and herinstructions changed everything.
I wasn't emptying my mind.

(10:26):
I was calming it and filling myheart with something good.
There are so many ways to accessthis now.
A little meditation goes a longway.
Don't let old experiences keepyou from trying.
Because in my 40 years ofclinical practice, it is the one
thing that people start outhating and learn to love.

(10:49):
Now let's talk about whatdoesn't bring calm.
Do you reach for your phone tounwind?
Scrolling pulls you in.
It distracts you at first.
It really does seem calminguntil it doesn't.
Phones, keep your mindoverstimulated.
Novelty comparison.
Endless information instead ofcalming you.

(11:12):
Scrolling often leaves you morerestless, more anxious, more
drained.
That's why real practices,music, breath, nature,
meditation, leaning into yoursenses feel different.
They quiet your system insteadof revving it up.
They bring you back to thepresent, back to the calm

(11:34):
already inside of you instead ofscattering your attention
everywhere.
In this episode, you discoveredthat lasting calm doesn't come
from fixing everything outsideof you.
You can reconnect to the calmalready inside of you by
practicing presence, learningfrom the toddler brain, and
engaging your right brain.

(11:56):
And you saw why real practiceslike meditation restore peace in
a way that scrolling never will.
I know it's hard to let go ofthe idea that if everything on
the outside would just settledown, so would your insides.
But if you can be brave.
If you can be courageous enoughand accept that the calm is

(12:17):
inside of you and with a littleeffort, these practices will go
a long way in helping youcultivate calm from the inside
out.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Monday with more
creating midlife calm.