Ep. 211 Triggered? The 1 Powerful Coping Skill That Can Calm Midlife Stress and Anxiety Before It Takes Over

What if your biggest triggers are actually your best teachers?
You’re not broken—you’re human, and your nervous system is simply trying to protect you.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.    How to use a simple coping skill  to move through triggers in real time
2.    Why tending to your inner world (not controlling the outer one) is the real path to calm
3.    How using this science-backed coping skill helps you become less triggered over time by rewiring old emotional patterns and strengthening self-trust
 Take 10 minutes to retrain your brain, reduce anxiety, and rebuild self-trust—one trigger at a time. You’re worth it.

Send us a text

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Episode Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode you'll discover a simple
coping skill you can use themoment you feel triggered
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, the podcast where you and
I tackle stress and anxiety inmidlife so you can stop feeling
like crap, feel more present athome, and thrive at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon a LicensedClinical Social Worker with over

(00:22):
50,000 hours of therapy sessionsand 32 years of teaching
practical science-backed mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast On MondayI shared how understanding the
science of being triggered helpsyou see what's really happening
inside your brain and body Todaywe're going one step further how

(00:43):
to move through a trigger so younot only feel better in the
moment but start being triggeredless In this episode you'll
discover a simple process to usewhen you're triggered how this
process increases your sense ofsafety and accurate
self-awareness And how it helpsyou update old reactions so you

(01:05):
feel calmer and more confidentwith yourself and others Let's
start with a quick check-in fromMonday's Inner Challenge I asked
you to notice what happens whenyou feel triggered Do you see it
as someone else's fault or asyour own failure What if instead
you saw it as information youmind and body inviting you to do

(01:29):
deeper Inner work That awarenesssets you up perfectly for
today's coping skill Beingtriggered is incredibly
uncomfortable It can show up asa flash of irritation that
familiar wave of anxiety or afull-blown panic response One of
the hardest parts about beingtriggered is that something

(01:51):
outside of you throws off theinside of you That mismatch
makes you vulnerable to believethat if the world behaved your
nervous system would finally becalm Sometimes I tell my clients
think of being triggered likebeing rear-ended at a stoplight
You're doing everything rightbut now you still have to put

(02:13):
time and care into realignmentbefore you can move forward The
repair takes attention not blameMy clients begin to make real
progress when they stop beingmad at the outside world for
triggering them and instead getcurious about their inside world
that needs tending Here's thegood news You can transform your

(02:36):
triggers using my emotionalregulation coping skill Notice
name tame a name I introducethis method in episode six and
seven If you are willing to tendand befriend your triggers yes
actually make friends with themThey can become one of your
greatest teachers helping youbuild calm and confidence from

(02:58):
the inside out Let's walkthrough an example A midlife
client of mine grew up in ahousehold where her father left
when she was nine Her motherfell into depression and by age
11 she was running the housecooking cleaning keeping
everyone afloat Fast forward toadulthood She's successful

(03:18):
capable and deeply caring Yetshe often finds herself
triggered when her familyrelaxes while she's still
working When her kids leavedishes in the sink or her
husband scrolls on his phone herchest tightens her stomach knots
and suddenly she's shoutingwords She regrets She came to
therapy wanting tips to get herfamily to help more What she

(03:42):
really needed was to understandwhy her reactions felt so big
Remember Monday's phrase What'shysterical is often historical
together we walk through herlast explosion using the notice
name tame aim process.
I think of this like Mondaymorning quarterbacking Going

(04:03):
back and using this process tounderstand what the trigger
actually means, and to askyourself, is this the whole
truth?
Then to aim to imagine a new wayof responding.
So in my office, she replayedthe moment she was at the sink
after a long day of work,cleaning up while everyone else

(04:25):
relaxed.
Her thought everyone gets torest but me.
Her body was tense, her stomachtight, her temperature rising.
She then went to step two nameinstead of doing what she
usually does, naming what herfamily was doing, that was
pissing her off.

(04:46):
She actually named what washappening inside of her.
Yes, she tended to herself.
I'm feeling resentful, unseen,and used.
I'm being triggered by watchingeveryone rest while I'm still
working.
She then moved to the next step.
Tame.
This is the step that begins tochange everything.

(05:08):
She befriended herself insteadof reaching outward, she turned
inward and gently tended toherself by grounding her feet,
taking some slow breaths andreregulating her central nervous
system.
She also imagined turning thewater to cool a sensory cue that

(05:31):
tells her nervous system, you'reokay.
It's safe here.
You can calm down.
Then she pictured herselfwalking to her room for a short
reset before re-engaging.
And that's when she moved to thenext step.
Aim.
This is where realtransformation happens.

(05:51):
She asked herself, is it truethat I can't rest?
Who's telling me that story?
As she reflected on thatquestion, her mind floated back
to childhood where she was an11-year-old girl.
Keeping chaos at bay by stayingbusy.
Back then, constant motion didkeep her safe.

(06:11):
She then looked up at me withtears in her eyes and said, if I
don't yell.
I'm not sure what to do.
This is a very common sticking point when
you're working through triggersYou've had the courage to admit
that your reactions aren't whatyou wanna keep doing that your
old coping skills aren't neededbut you can't always see what

(06:33):
else you can do I encouraged herto again slow down pause and
just think what would you tell afriend to do in this moment A
few seconds later she looked upat me and she said I guess I
could sit on the couch next tomy husband instead of resenting
him Exactly that tiny shiftreplacing survival behavior with

(06:58):
a new choice created calm wherethere used to be chaos Over time
she kept a trigger journaltracking moments when she
reacted she began to notice thatshe had less and less triggers
And of equal importance withinmonths her family was stepping
up more because she was nolonger leading with anger but

(07:21):
with awareness Let me give youone more example A client told
me she always felt an urge tooverexplain herself at work
Whenever someone questioned herideas that anxious rush in her
chest wasn't about the currentmeeting It was an old memory of
being the youngest in a loudfamily Constantly trying to be

(07:41):
seen and proved that shebelonged once she recognized
that she practiced notice nametame and name right at her desk
Notice her body temperaturerising Her thoughts racing I
need to say the right thing NameI'm feeling like I have to prove
my worth Tame Ground your feetand a few deep exhales aim Is

(08:08):
anyone giving me a message thatI don't belong her new thought
Not at all The people I workwith want my opinion and just
like that her confidence grewall because she slowed down took
30 seconds and turned inward andtended to her old thought and
did an update yes the people sheworked with did value her these

(08:34):
are the moments where growthhappens When you notice your
triggers name them withcompassion tame your body's
alarm and aim your thoughtstowards truth You start building
safety from the inside out Andlet's be honest this couldn't be
more important than right now asthe holidays approach Family
gatherings are where oldpatterns love to reappear You

(08:56):
might find yourself irritated atsomething small or feeling like
you've slipped back into anoutdated family role That's when
you can use this simple butpowerful process It's your map
back to calm Notice what'shappening in your body Name the
emotion not the person Tame thesurge with breath and grounding

(09:20):
and aim Ask yourself is thisreaction about now Or about then
the holidays will still havetheir moments but you'll move
through them with more graceself-awareness and calm than
ever before If you feel stuck oroverwhelmed by triggers don't
hesitate to seek professionalhelp You deserve all the support

(09:42):
you need In this episode youdiscovered how to use notice
name tame a name to move throughyour triggers in real time You
learn that when you shift yourfocus from controlling the
outside world to understandingyour Inner one your nervous
system begins to feel safer andyour reactions begin to update
themselves Remember yourtriggers aren't trying to punish

(10:06):
you They're trying to teach youThanks for listening and I'll be
back on Monday with morecreating midlife calm