Ep. 212 — How to Cope with the Midlife Holiday Ache of Missing Loved Ones: Simple Coping Skills for Stress, Anxiety, and Longing

Have you ever looked at the holiday table and felt the quiet ache of someone missing?
You’re not alone — and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your love is remembering.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.   The science of why your brain links memory, belonging, and emotion so powerfully this time of year.
2.   Why noticing your “missing” is the key to transforming midlife anxiety into calm and clarity.
3.   Three simple coping skills to ground yourself, reconnect, and find meaning when the holidays feel too quiet.
 Take ten minutes to turn your holiday stress into calm, gratitude, and grounded connection — you’re worth it.

Send us a text

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Episode Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover how to
find calming connection when theholidays stir up that quiet ache
of missing someone you love.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:08):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the
podcast where you and I tacklestress and anxiety in midlife so
you can stop feeling like crap,feel more present at home, and
thrive at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon a LicensedClinical Social Worker with over
50,000 hours of therapy sessionsand 32 years of teaching

(00:28):
practical science-backed mentalwellness.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:32):
Welcome to the podcast.
A few months ago, I received anemail from a listener who wrote,
what about those of us whoaren't estranged from our kids,
but whose lives are so busy anddemanding that coming home or us
visiting is hard to fit in evenduring the holidays?
The holidays can be a time ofwarmth, gratitude, and
connection, but also a time ofabsence.

(00:56):
That chair isn't filled, thetext, that doesn't come, the
tradition that quietly fades.
We're living in a time whereplane tickets have become
unaffordable, jobs are demandingthat there's little energy left
to travel.
For many in midlife.
This season brings a mix ofgratitude and grief, especially

(01:16):
when your grown children havelives of their own or when
you've lost parents, siblings,or friends who wants defined the
holiday.
My office has been full ofpeople talking about this, the
ache for family gatherings ofthe past when children were
home, elders were alive, and theorbit of the holidays surrounded
you.

(01:36):
We hear a lot about familyestrangement these days, but
today's episode is about familyabsence, missing the holidays.
You once knew when life andgeography made connection
easier.
In this episode, you'll discoverthe science of why your brain
links memory, emotion, andbelonging so powerfully this

(01:57):
time of year.
The importance of noticingyou're missing of loved ones and
not pushing it away.
And three ways to turn longinginto a moment of grounding,
connection and calm.
Have you ever wondered why youcan be going along happily and
hear a Christmas song or see aTurkey and instantly be filled

(02:18):
with a sense of longing?
Let me share with you thescience holiday memories.
Light up your brain'shippocampus and amygdala the
same.
Centers store emotional memory.
That's why a smell, a song, or afamiliar recipe can bring both
warmth and a pang of sadness.
Your brain is blending past andpresent reminding you of love

(02:42):
and sometimes loss.
This is how your mind keepsconnection alive.
The pain is proof that therelationship mattered.
That blend of memory and emotionshows up more vividly when life
changes, like when your nestempties or the holidays start to
look different than before.
I once worked with a client, anewly empty nester, who told me

(03:06):
Thanksgiving felt too quiet tobreathe.
Her son had moved across thecountry her daughter was
spending the holiday within-laws.
She said, I know I should behappy for them, but it feels
like they've moved on and I amall alone.
So we talked about what wasreally being triggered, not
abandonment, but transition, theshift from being the center of

(03:28):
the family orbit to being one ofthe many satellites.
Ouch.
I asked her to sit in my office,notice name and tame her
feelings of sadness about herchildren not being home.
At first, she hesitated.
I mean, who wants to feel sad?
But then she closed her eyes,placed her hand over her heart,

(03:49):
and breathed tears fell as shewhispered.
Now I know how my mom must havefelt.
Yes, that's one of the hardestparts of parenting.
Adult children, they haven't yetstood in your shoes.
They're creating new traditionswhile you're letting go of old
ones.
Painful.
Absolutely.
It's always more fun to createthan to let go, but both are

(04:13):
vital skills and I encourage youto acknowledge the pain of
letting go.
So let me share with you threeways to stay grounded when
you're missing someone at theholidays so you can move from
letting go to creating some ofyour own new traditions number
one, let the ache be data, notdrama.

(04:34):
What I've seen in my office isthat when pain goes
unacknowledged, it often turnsinto anger or self pity when
it's actually healthy.
Sadness about missing those youlove.
When the wave of longing hitspause, notice where it lands in
your body.
That tightness in your throat,The tears in your eyes are the
heaviness in your heart.

(04:56):
You are remembering love.
You don't have to push it awayor turn it into a story.
Just hold it.
Tend and befriend notice nameand tame.
This is hard.
It's really hard.
When my kids were young, we hadhuge family Thanksgivings with
aunts, uncles, cousins, andfriends.

(05:17):
Now, I seldom have either of mychildren home and all, but one
of the cousins have moved away.
To be honest, it kind of sucks.
Just acknowledging that takes abit of the sting away and helps
me move to a new place.
I can wish my kids live closer,but I just don't wanna stay
stuck there.

(05:38):
I can lean into the love thatstill exists and create
something new.
Which leads me to my second ideaof how to move through the ache,
create meaningful moments ofconnection this holiday season,
even if you're at a distance.
I'm a big fan of the no guilt,low pressure, small connection.

(05:59):
Send a text schedule.
FaceTime for dessert plan pie onFriday.
One family I know eats leftoverpie together over FaceTime.
Everyone brings whipped creamand shares what they're grateful
for.
It doesn't have to be all ornothing.
Our kids are so busy, it's hardto get them to schedule
something, but I stole a linefrom one of my clients when he

(06:22):
said to his son, who isreluctant to schedule pie
Friday.
Son, someday your kids will livefar away and you'll be really
glad you modeled connection evenwhen it took a little bit of
planning and effort.
Remember, your adult childrenhave so much on their plates
that a little perspective saidkindly can help them see the

(06:43):
bigger picture.
And that leads me to my thirdsuggestion.
Anchor yourself in the present.
My experience is that whenpeople do this type of grief
work, the work of letting go ofhow things used to be, it gives
you a bit of energy to createsomething new.
So after you've acknowledged theache and reached out, challenge

(07:06):
yourself to do one new thingthis holiday season that grounds
you in today.
Remember, you're not the onlyone missing someone this week.
Many people's children live faraway.
Look around.
Who else might appreciate aninvitation or a shared meal?
Volunteer to cook, serve orsimply show up for someone who

(07:27):
feels alone or invite yourselfto a friend's house.
Because holidays are so taxing.
It's not unusual for someone youknow to overlook that you may
not have something to do, butmost people are so happy to add
one more plate at the table.
Especially if you bring yourfavorite dish.

(07:47):
Check in with your church,community center or workplace
and see if there's someone whocould use a seat at your table.
Connection.
Always multiplies when you giveit away.
Push through your hesitation.
You'll be glad that you did thisweek's Inner Challenge is that
when that wave of missing washesover you.
Pause and tend to it.

(08:09):
Sit with it like you would youryounger self or your child years
ago when they were hurting andyou knew rushing wouldn't help.
Let the tears come if they needto Notice, if your sadness wants
to flip into anger or selfself-pity and gently guide it
back to care In this episode,you discovered the science of

(08:31):
why your brain links memory toholiday seasons, the importance
of slowing down, noticing yourache, not pushing it away, and
three ways to turn this longinginto moments of grounding,
connection and calm.
So you too can have a goodholiday season, even when your

(08:51):
loved ones are at a distance onThursday, I'll be back to talk
about what to do when your hurtturns to anger or self pity.
Trust me, it has nothing to dowith being critical of yourself
you know someone else who'smissing their family this
holiday season, please forwardthis episode to them.
Thanks for listening to CreatingMidlife Calm.