Ep. 213 — When Midlife Disappointment Turns to Anger or Self-Pity: Coping Skills for Stress and Anxiety

Have you ever felt that mix of anger and self-pity when life—or family—doesn’t go the way you hoped?
You’re not alone. Those emotions you try to hide aren’t weakness—they’re signals that something inside you needs care.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.    Why anger and self-pity are your nervous system’s natural way of asking for protection and calm.
2.    How to recognize when these emotions become traps that feed midlife stress, anxiety, and disconnection.
3.    A science-backed way to pivot from hurt to healing—without guilt, blame, or forced positivity.
 Take 10 minutes to transform hurt into calm—because understanding your emotions is the first step to midlife wisdom. You’re worth it.

Send us a text

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Episode Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:22):
In this episode, you'll discover how
moments of self pity the onesyou usually try to hide.
Oh.

(01:00):
In this episode, you'll discoverhow those uncomfortable emotions
of anger and self pity canactually.
Can act.
In this episode, you'll discoverhow those uncomfortable emotions
of anger and self pity canactually be transformed into.
In this episode, you'll discoverhow those uncomfortable emotions

(01:23):
of anger and self pity canactually be transformed into
wisdom.
I.
On Monday, we talked about theache of missing someone at the
holiday and how to honor thatlonging with compassion.

(01:46):
If Monday was about honoring,what's missing today is about
transforming what's hurting,especially when that hurt turns
into anger or self pity.
You know those thoughts, why isit always me?

(02:25):
Why are they spending theholidays with the, why did they
spend, why do they spend theholiday with the other
grandparents?
They live in the same town.
No.
You know the voice.
Why is it always me?
Okay.
I don't think I did.
Okay.

(02:47):
You know the thoughts?
Why is it always me?
I wish my kids reached out more.
Why are they spending theholiday with the in-laws that
they live in the same town andsee every day?
Sometime that a, sometime thaterupts this irritation.
Other times it sinks inward asself pity.

(03:09):
Both are signals saying the samething.
Something inside of you needscare.
In this episode, you'll discoverwhy anger and self pity are your
nervous system's.
Natural way of asking forprotection and care.
How to recognize when theybecome traps that feed anxiety,
stress, and disconnection.

(03:31):
A simple way to pivot from hurtto healing without guilt, blame,
or forced positivity.
You can't think your way out ofanger or self pity, but you can
understand them and thatunderstanding brings relief and
calm.
Let's start with the science.

(03:52):
When something hurtsemotionally, your brain's
interior ingate cortex lights upthe same area activated by
physical pain.
Think about that.
When your heart hurts, yourbrain reacts the same way it
would to a broken leg.
That's why loneliness,rejection, or disappointment,

(04:13):
literally hurt when emotionalpain activates that area.
Your brain releases stresshormones like cortisol and
adrenaline.
That's why anger and self pitycan feel so consuming.
Your body literally thinksyou've been hurt.
Because you have understandingthat can help you treat your

(04:35):
emotions with the sametenderness you give a bruise or
broken bone.
Anger and self pity are distresssignals.
Your nervous system's way ofsaying something feels unfair or
out of balance, please payattention.
But our culture teaches you toflip pain into blame.

(04:55):
They never think of me.
Or to suppress it, I'm fine.
I don't care.
Blame disconnects you fromothers.
Avoidance disconnects you fromyourself.
If instead you tend to befriendyour pain, if instead you tend
to befriend your pain withcuriosity instead of judgment,

(05:17):
it begins to transform intoinsight.
Research by Dr.
Kristin Neff shows that when youmeet your pain with compassion
rather than criticism, yournervous system actually quiets
faster.
That's what happens when youpause before reacting or pushing
your feelings away.

(05:40):
I've also worked with people whodon't cry.
When they miss someone, they getsnappy, irritable, or cynical.
The irritation over a forgottentext or the the irritation over
a forgotten text, or theresentment that someone else got
invited for, they get irritatedover a forgotten text or they

(06:01):
feel resentful that someone elsegot invited first.
But beneath that anger is oftenthe same.
Longing for connection.
I once worked with a client whodreaded Thanksgiving every year
after her divorce.
Her kids lived too far to traveland she o her.
Her kids lived too far to travelhome and she often found herself

(06:25):
home and she found herself homeduring the holiday.
She'd scroll through photos,she'd scroll through photos of
families gathered in spiral intothoughts.
She'd scroll through photos offamilies gathered together and
spiral into thoughts like, Iguess I'm just not lovable
enough.
I guess I'm not just, I guessI'm just not lovable enough.

(06:49):
Everyone else has someone butme.
Sometimes that sadness turnedinto anger.
She'd think, why do I alwayshave to be the strong one?
When we unpacked it, sherealized both emotions, anger,
and self pity were coveringsomething deeper, longing to
belong, so she decided she justcouldn't stand another holiday.

(07:13):
Scrolling through other people'sjoy, she got brave and asked to.
She got brave and asked twocoworkers who also didn't have
family nearby to join her for apotluck, and the next time I saw
her, she said it wasn't perfect,but it felt real warm food, real

(07:34):
laughter, and no scrolling.
We even went to a movie atnight.
That's the power of noticingyour feelings without judgment.
That's the power of not gettingstuck in anger and self pity.
That's the power of using youranger and self pity as a

(07:56):
springboard, not a block ofcement.
Both anger and self pity becomedestructive.
Only when you stay stuck there,they can trap you in comparison
or resentment, convincing youthat life is happening all
around you instead of throughyou.
But when you pause, just likeyou practiced with notice, name,

(08:21):
tame, and name, you give yourbrain a chance to reset.
Try it like this.
Notice.
Look for that poor me voice, orI can't believe this anger when
it shows up.

(08:46):
Maybe it's seeing the othergrandparents with the grandkids
or when you feel like you're theone doing all the planning while
the others or when you feel likeyou are doing all the planning
while others coast.
Name I'm feeling left out andunseen.
That honesty opens the door tocompassion.

(09:08):
Tame ground your feet, place ahand over your heart and just
takes some breaths.
That simple act calms youramygdala, stays with sadness or
frustration for sick.
Stay with the sadness orfrustration for 60 to 90

(09:28):
seconds.
Let it move through you.
Remember, feelings aren't factsunless you start creating a
story that turns one data pointinto drama.
The data point is simple.
It hurts to not have.

(09:55):
The data point is simple.
It hurts to not have what youwant.
Once you move through thatfeeling, your thinking, brain
comes back online.
Aim, ask.
What is this feeling asking for?
The answer usually isn't grand.
It's connection, rest, re it'sconnection, rest, reassurance,

(10:20):
enjoyment.
You may not always get yourfirst wish, but you don't have
to stay stuck, and sometimesthat reflection reveals and
sometimes that reflectionreveals something even more
important.
You haven't clearly shared yourneeds.

(11:21):
It is easy to assume that peopleshould know what would help you
feel seen or included.
But checking in with your anger,
but checking in with your anger or
self pity can be a cue to checkin with your communication.
Sometimes you're waiting forothers to meet a need they don't
even know exists.
Meeting your own needs.
Doesn't mean doing it all alone.

(11:42):
It means inviting others ininstead of waiting for them to
guess.
What would help.
It means inviting others in instead of
waiting for them to guess.
What would help.
When you speak your truth gentlyand clearly, you give connection
a chance to grow.
Another client told me she feltsilly admitting she had a pity

(12:05):
party after her adult childrenannounced they were taking their
family on a ski trip instead ofcoming home for the holidays.
She wisely said nothing on thecall so she wouldn't say
something she'd regret, butafterward.
Her mind raced with resentment.
Then she stopped.
She decided to sit with herdisappointment instead of

(12:26):
flipping it into anger.
She grounded her feet breathedand simply felt sad.
After about 15 minutes, shesaid,
I think
Their kids are teenagers and they
probably want what I want moretime together.
She still felt sad, but shewasn't taking it personally

(12:47):
anymore.
She called her son and asked ifshe could come for a long
holiday.
She called her son and asked ifshe could come for a long
holiday in January.
She called her son and asked if she
could come for a long weekend inJanuary.
He was so enthusiastic.

(13:08):
He said, let's celebrateChristmas.
We'll keep the tree up.
Having a family that loves eachother, having a family that
loves each other means there aremany competing demands, and this
time she was.
Having a family that loves each other

(13:29):
means there are many competingdemands.
Her work became figuring out howto create connection in a new
way.
That's the real lesson here.
Anger and self pity aren'tendings their beginnings.
There are clues that somethinginside of you needs care, not

(13:50):
criticism.
When you meet them withcompassion, when you meet them
with compassion, you move fromwhy me?
When you meet them with compassion, you
move from why me to what do Ineed right now?
Gratitude doesn't eraseself-pity.

(14:10):
It grows from it.
Calm doesn't cancel anger, ittransforms it.
When you listen closely,
when you listen closely to what hurts,
you'll hear the heartbeat ofwhat still matters, and that's
where midlife wisdom begins.
Before you move on with yourday, take one quiet moment in

(14:32):
this.
Before you move on with this,
before you move on with your day, take
one quiet moment in this busyseason to notice.
Is there a part of you thatfeels unseen, unheard, or
unappreciated?
Ask yourself, have I givenothers a chance to know what I
need?

(14:53):
If not, let this awareness beyour starting point.
It's not about pushing yourfeelings away, it's about
listening to what they're askingyou to say.
In this episode, you discoveredthat anger and self pity aren't
flaws.
They're feedback.
You learn how to reveal unmetneeds, how to regulate with

(15:15):
notice, name, tame a name, andhow gratitude naturally follows
when you give yourself the careyou were hoping others would
give.
And how gratitude naturallyfollows when you give yourself
the care you are hoping otherswould give.

(15:37):
If you have friends going through this
this time of the year, pleaseshare this episode
and feel free to listen to myfour minute holiday meditation
episode 1 0 6.
And feel free to listen to my four minute
holiday meditation episode 1 06.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe

(15:59):
thanks for listening, and I'll be back
on Monday with more creatingmidlife calm.