July 17, 2025 • 14 mins
Are you stuck in the heartbreak of midlife estrangement and unsure how to move forward?
Estrangement hurts, but it doesn’t have to define your future.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1. How to mind your mind and tend to your emotions so you feel better.
2. How to grow external self-awareness
3. How to clarify your core values so you can move forward with integrity and self-respect
🎧 Put in your earphones, take a breath, and let’s begin the journey back to your calm.
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover how to
heal when you're the one whostepped away from someone you
love.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
(00:24):
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
On Monday, we exploredestrangement from the
perspective of being cut off.
Today we're flipping the lens.
We're talking about one of themost emotionally complicated
experiences in midlife.
(00:44):
What happens when you're the onewho chooses distance from
someone you once loved?
In today's episode, you'lldiscover healthy ways to cope
with the emotional aftermath ofstepping away from a
relationship, how to staygrounded in your decision, how
to carry your values forwardeven without reconciliation, and
(01:05):
how to avoid repeating the samehurt with others or passing it
down to the next generation.
Before we dive in, I wanna checkin how did Monday's Inner
Challenge land for you?
Maybe you sat with your valuesin a new way or felt clarity
start to take shape, whether itbrought peace, discomfort, or
(01:26):
both.
It's all part of the process.
Let's begin with emotionalhonesty.
Choosing to distance yourselffrom someone you love is
emotionally complicated.
Coping.
Skill number one is allow forthe complexity when you are the
one who initiates space.
The outside world might notunderstand, and honestly,
(01:49):
sometimes you don't fullyunderstand your own emotions
either one moment you feelrelief.
The next, a wave of guilt orsadness crashes in some days,
you can't stop thinking aboutit.
Other days you avoid italtogether.
That's because stepping awaydoesn't just trigger loss.
It can also bring on what wecall disenfranchised grief.
(02:14):
Grief that isn't sociallyvalidated because you were the
one that made the choice.
Your feelings are valid, even ifat times they feel really
contradictory.
I worked with a midlifeexecutive who received a
promotion that altered alifelong friendship.
A year after the promotion, herfriend who didn't receive the
(02:34):
promotion continued to makejabs.
My client responded withkindness at first.
She often said.
I'm so sorry.
You too didn't get promoted, buteventually she said, I need
space.
I just can't take it anymore.
Months later, her friendapologized via text.
She found herself missing herfriend, but she realized it
(02:58):
wasn't just the promotion thatwas the tip of the iceberg.
Underneath it was a pattern,constant competition around
kids, spouses, careers, evenclothes.
She was tired of it, but shealso missed the fun parts, the
workouts, the wine tastings, andmemories of raising their kids
(03:20):
together.
She needed space.
She still felt love.
Give yourself permission to feelthe full spectrum, sadness,
anger relief, hope, exhaustion.
Emotional maturity meansallowing two things to be true
at once you can need the spaceand you can really miss the
(03:43):
person, and I want you to usenotice name and tame as those
emotions arise in you., Whichleads us to coping.
Skill number two, anchor in yourwhy.
I want you to return to thepower and clarity of your why,
because when doubt creeps in.
It will, it's essential toreturn to the why behind your
(04:06):
decision.
You didn't make this decisioneasily, even if it was one of
those impulsive moments youprobably had had before.
This time was different.
You held the distance.
I want you to return to yourwhy.
So you know, was it to protectyour mental health?
(04:26):
Did you uphold a boundary thatwas being continually violated?
Did you step into your ownagency and say, I need to end
the cycle of belittlement, thecycle of hurt, the cycle of
being judged and misunderstood.
The most common estrangementsI've worked with have involved
alcohol or drug abuse.
(04:48):
Years ago, a midlife mom Iworked with made the difficult
decision to step back from herfather who showed up at her
daughter's wedding, drunk.
She wrote her dad letter.
I still love you, but I can't bein a relationship with you where
you're always choosing alcoholover what's best for your
family.
In the letter, she encouragedhim to seek help.
(05:11):
She kept that letter in herjournal right next to the entry
that was filled with heartbreakand anger, and how he had really
disrupted her daughter's weddingshe worked to move through her
grief about her dad and to holdhim in her heart in a
compassionate way, praying thathe would one day step into
(05:33):
recovery.
The letters in her journalreally helped her stay grounded
in her why?
Your why is not a weapon.
It's a compassionate reminder ofwhat matters most at this time
in your life.
Being clear on your why doesn'tharden your heart.
It actually calms your mind,which then softens your heart
(05:56):
and allows you to have feelingsof compassion hoping that he can
step into his own path ofhealing.
And if sometimes you wonder, didI make a mistake?
That's okay too.
Be brave and hold your doubt infront of you.
Doubt doesn't erase yourreasons.
It just means you're human.
(06:17):
Doubt may be inviting you toexplore where you're at.
Healing process.
Healing is rarely linear, butclarity often returns when you
look at doubt and revisit yourwhy.
And if your why no longer feelstrue, that may be a sign that
you're growing, perhaps a signalthat you've done the necessary
(06:40):
Inner work, the necessarygrowth.
Which gives you options in therelationship that could lead to
some connection, some repair.
And that leads us to copingskill Number three, choose how
you want to show up now.
Now that you're anchored in yourwhy.
Let's talk about how to live it.
(07:01):
Estrangement sometimes means nocontact, and sometimes it means
contact that's limited andintentional.
I worked with a woman whosemother-in-law was deeply
critical.
Her visits left.
My client emotionally drainedfor weeks.
Her husband used to his mother'sbehavior, didn't really
understand her distress, thetricky part.
(07:23):
The mother-in-law was wonderfulwith the grandkids.
I am honest with clients incases of physical or sexual
abuse, cutoff is necessary.
But in this case, it was moreabout constant criticism about
her banana bread, shoes notworking full-time.
I asked her to think about whatcutting off from her
(07:45):
mother-in-law would model forher children.
Estrangements are oftengenerational.
Her mother-in-law visited twicea year instead of cutting her
off.
My client shortened those visitsand made plans to see her sister
while her mother-in-law.
Was visiting her children.
Other clients choose to meet atpublic places or for activities
(08:07):
away from home.
You can protect your wellbeingwithout severing ties
completely.
Creating distance doesn't meanyou've stopped caring.
It means you're choosing how toshow up in a way that aligns
with your emotional safety.
Emotional maturity is choosingto be who you want to be, not
(08:27):
who the relationship made youfeel like, and that's one of the
trickiest parts of estrangementbecause the patterns with this
person are often deeply embeddedin your own childhood wounds,
and that leads us to copingskill number four, interrupting
the cycle of hurt.
This asks you to go one layerdeeper.
(08:50):
One of the most powerful thingsyou can do after stepping away
from a painful relationship isto reflect on how not to repeat
the same hurt with yourself,with others, with that person if
things shift or in the nextgeneration.
Everyone I've worked with startswith this intention.
(09:11):
They look at me and they say, Iam not gonna do this to my kids.
I am not gonna do this to mywife.
I am not gonna do this tomyself.
But truly interrupting the cycletakes awareness, humility, and
effort.
A client of mine had beendominated by her older sister
since childhood after theirmother died young.
(09:33):
As adults living in the sametown.
She just grew tired of hersister's domineering presence in
her life, so she began to avoidher calls, ignore her texts, and
not answer the door when hersister came over.
She wanted space, but her way ofcreating it mirrored the same
controlling energy she resented.
(09:56):
I asked her, have you consideredtelling your sister you need
space?
She said she'd never respect it.
I reflected you're doing to her,which she did to you, but in a
passive reactive way.
You don't need to be close, butyou do need to communicate.
As a therapist, I value family.
(10:17):
Family can be healing and deeplyhurtful.
Estrangement often brings reliefat first, but can become more
taxing over time.
One concern I have about therapyis how often it focuses only on
the individual.
But healing, especially infamilies, must be relational.
You do need space to restore,but too much space often becomes
(10:42):
avoidance, and for mostfamilies, avoidance is far more
comfortable than communicatingin a new, honest and vulnerable
way.
For example, I've worked withclients whose parents
disapproved of their gender orsexual identity.
The disapproval was so loud theycouldn't hear their own voice.
(11:02):
As they became more grounded inwho they were, I encouraged them
to explore new ways to relate,not to erase the past, but to
create a new future.
I encourage them to look at whatthey had in common with their
families, not just this onevalue difference.
And if reconciliation everbecomes possible, the work
(11:25):
you're doing now will make thatpathway healthier, clearer, and
more intentional.
That's one of the reasons Ithink it's really important to
be in therapy.
If you've chosen some type ofestrangement, it's helpful to
have someone accompany you andguide you in this really complex
dynamic.
(11:45):
One of my early supervisors toldme her parents were shocked that
she was considering marryingsomeone outside of their faith.
They went to therapy togetherand she learned that they were
projecting their guilt and fearonto her.
She told them, I didn't evenknow his religion for over a
year.
Her dad was shocked.
(12:07):
How could that not come up inthe first few dates?
She laughed and she said, dad, Idon't even go to church.
It's the seventies.
No one is swinging through.
Confession on their way to themovie.
Having this discussion intherapy together was not only
life changing for herrelationship with her parents,
(12:27):
but also for her as a therapist.
She learned firsthand thatwithout people talking about.
What their assumptions are, howthey're feeling, that they just
get tangled up inside in waysthat can be so problematic.
Not just for a month, not justfor a year, but for generations
to come.
(12:48):
Interrupting the cycle.
Isn't enough.
You also have to createsomething new.
Identifying the hurt is easy.
Building healthier ways ofrelating takes practice.
Whether you have children,nieces and nephews, friends or
students, your growth ripplesoutward modeling healthy
(13:08):
emotional relationships may bethe most healing legacy you
leave.
In today's episode, youdiscovered four ways to care for
yourself.
When you've stepped away from aclose relationship, allow the
complexity of your emotionsanchor in your why.
and How To Continue showing upwith integrity and how to
(13:29):
interrupt the cycle of hurt soit doesn't get passed on.
Choosing to walk away withself-awareness and compassion is
a form of self-growth.
And it's not easy, but it ispart of what makes you healthier
and more resilient.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Monday with more
creating midlife calm.
In this episode, you'll discover how to
heal when you're the one whostepped away from someone you
love.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
(00:24):
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
On Monday, we exploredestrangement from the
perspective of being cut off.
Today we're flipping the lens.
We're talking about one of themost emotionally complicated
experiences in midlife.
(00:44):
What happens when you're the onewho chooses distance from
someone you once loved?
In today's episode, you'lldiscover healthy ways to cope
with the emotional aftermath ofstepping away from a
relationship, how to staygrounded in your decision, how
to carry your values forwardeven without reconciliation, and
(01:05):
how to avoid repeating the samehurt with others or passing it
down to the next generation.
Before we dive in, I wanna checkin how did Monday's Inner
Challenge land for you?
Maybe you sat with your valuesin a new way or felt clarity
start to take shape, whether itbrought peace, discomfort, or
(01:26):
both.
It's all part of the process.
Let's begin with emotionalhonesty.
Choosing to distance yourselffrom someone you love is
emotionally complicated.
Coping.
Skill number one is allow forthe complexity when you are the
one who initiates space.
The outside world might notunderstand, and honestly,
(01:49):
sometimes you don't fullyunderstand your own emotions
either one moment you feelrelief.
The next, a wave of guilt orsadness crashes in some days,
you can't stop thinking aboutit.
Other days you avoid italtogether.
That's because stepping awaydoesn't just trigger loss.
It can also bring on what wecall disenfranchised grief.
(02:14):
Grief that isn't sociallyvalidated because you were the
one that made the choice.
Your feelings are valid, even ifat times they feel really
contradictory.
I worked with a midlifeexecutive who received a
promotion that altered alifelong friendship.
A year after the promotion, herfriend who didn't receive the
(02:34):
promotion continued to makejabs.
My client responded withkindness at first.
She often said.
I'm so sorry.
You too didn't get promoted, buteventually she said, I need
space.
I just can't take it anymore.
Months later, her friendapologized via text.
She found herself missing herfriend, but she realized it
(02:58):
wasn't just the promotion thatwas the tip of the iceberg.
Underneath it was a pattern,constant competition around
kids, spouses, careers, evenclothes.
She was tired of it, but shealso missed the fun parts, the
workouts, the wine tastings, andmemories of raising their kids
(03:20):
together.
She needed space.
She still felt love.
Give yourself permission to feelthe full spectrum, sadness,
anger relief, hope, exhaustion.
Emotional maturity meansallowing two things to be true
at once you can need the spaceand you can really miss the
(03:43):
person, and I want you to usenotice name and tame as those
emotions arise in you., Whichleads us to coping.
Skill number two, anchor in yourwhy.
I want you to return to thepower and clarity of your why,
because when doubt creeps in.
It will, it's essential toreturn to the why behind your
(04:06):
decision.
You didn't make this decisioneasily, even if it was one of
those impulsive moments youprobably had had before.
This time was different.
You held the distance.
I want you to return to yourwhy.
So you know, was it to protectyour mental health?
(04:26):
Did you uphold a boundary thatwas being continually violated?
Did you step into your ownagency and say, I need to end
the cycle of belittlement, thecycle of hurt, the cycle of
being judged and misunderstood.
The most common estrangementsI've worked with have involved
alcohol or drug abuse.
(04:48):
Years ago, a midlife mom Iworked with made the difficult
decision to step back from herfather who showed up at her
daughter's wedding, drunk.
She wrote her dad letter.
I still love you, but I can't bein a relationship with you where
you're always choosing alcoholover what's best for your
family.
In the letter, she encouragedhim to seek help.
(05:11):
She kept that letter in herjournal right next to the entry
that was filled with heartbreakand anger, and how he had really
disrupted her daughter's weddingshe worked to move through her
grief about her dad and to holdhim in her heart in a
compassionate way, praying thathe would one day step into
(05:33):
recovery.
The letters in her journalreally helped her stay grounded
in her why?
Your why is not a weapon.
It's a compassionate reminder ofwhat matters most at this time
in your life.
Being clear on your why doesn'tharden your heart.
It actually calms your mind,which then softens your heart
(05:56):
and allows you to have feelingsof compassion hoping that he can
step into his own path ofhealing.
And if sometimes you wonder, didI make a mistake?
That's okay too.
Be brave and hold your doubt infront of you.
Doubt doesn't erase yourreasons.
It just means you're human.
(06:17):
Doubt may be inviting you toexplore where you're at.
Healing process.
Healing is rarely linear, butclarity often returns when you
look at doubt and revisit yourwhy.
And if your why no longer feelstrue, that may be a sign that
you're growing, perhaps a signalthat you've done the necessary
(06:40):
Inner work, the necessarygrowth.
Which gives you options in therelationship that could lead to
some connection, some repair.
And that leads us to copingskill Number three, choose how
you want to show up now.
Now that you're anchored in yourwhy.
Let's talk about how to live it.
(07:01):
Estrangement sometimes means nocontact, and sometimes it means
contact that's limited andintentional.
I worked with a woman whosemother-in-law was deeply
critical.
Her visits left.
My client emotionally drainedfor weeks.
Her husband used to his mother'sbehavior, didn't really
understand her distress, thetricky part.
(07:23):
The mother-in-law was wonderfulwith the grandkids.
I am honest with clients incases of physical or sexual
abuse, cutoff is necessary.
But in this case, it was moreabout constant criticism about
her banana bread, shoes notworking full-time.
I asked her to think about whatcutting off from her
(07:45):
mother-in-law would model forher children.
Estrangements are oftengenerational.
Her mother-in-law visited twicea year instead of cutting her
off.
My client shortened those visitsand made plans to see her sister
while her mother-in-law.
Was visiting her children.
Other clients choose to meet atpublic places or for activities
(08:07):
away from home.
You can protect your wellbeingwithout severing ties
completely.
Creating distance doesn't meanyou've stopped caring.
It means you're choosing how toshow up in a way that aligns
with your emotional safety.
Emotional maturity is choosingto be who you want to be, not
(08:27):
who the relationship made youfeel like, and that's one of the
trickiest parts of estrangementbecause the patterns with this
person are often deeply embeddedin your own childhood wounds,
and that leads us to copingskill number four, interrupting
the cycle of hurt.
This asks you to go one layerdeeper.
(08:50):
One of the most powerful thingsyou can do after stepping away
from a painful relationship isto reflect on how not to repeat
the same hurt with yourself,with others, with that person if
things shift or in the nextgeneration.
Everyone I've worked with startswith this intention.
(09:11):
They look at me and they say, Iam not gonna do this to my kids.
I am not gonna do this to mywife.
I am not gonna do this tomyself.
But truly interrupting the cycletakes awareness, humility, and
effort.
A client of mine had beendominated by her older sister
since childhood after theirmother died young.
(09:33):
As adults living in the sametown.
She just grew tired of hersister's domineering presence in
her life, so she began to avoidher calls, ignore her texts, and
not answer the door when hersister came over.
She wanted space, but her way ofcreating it mirrored the same
controlling energy she resented.
(09:56):
I asked her, have you consideredtelling your sister you need
space?
She said she'd never respect it.
I reflected you're doing to her,which she did to you, but in a
passive reactive way.
You don't need to be close, butyou do need to communicate.
As a therapist, I value family.
(10:17):
Family can be healing and deeplyhurtful.
Estrangement often brings reliefat first, but can become more
taxing over time.
One concern I have about therapyis how often it focuses only on
the individual.
But healing, especially infamilies, must be relational.
You do need space to restore,but too much space often becomes
(10:42):
avoidance, and for mostfamilies, avoidance is far more
comfortable than communicatingin a new, honest and vulnerable
way.
For example, I've worked withclients whose parents
disapproved of their gender orsexual identity.
The disapproval was so loud theycouldn't hear their own voice.
(11:02):
As they became more grounded inwho they were, I encouraged them
to explore new ways to relate,not to erase the past, but to
create a new future.
I encourage them to look at whatthey had in common with their
families, not just this onevalue difference.
And if reconciliation everbecomes possible, the work
(11:25):
you're doing now will make thatpathway healthier, clearer, and
more intentional.
That's one of the reasons Ithink it's really important to
be in therapy.
If you've chosen some type ofestrangement, it's helpful to
have someone accompany you andguide you in this really complex
dynamic.
(11:45):
One of my early supervisors toldme her parents were shocked that
she was considering marryingsomeone outside of their faith.
They went to therapy togetherand she learned that they were
projecting their guilt and fearonto her.
She told them, I didn't evenknow his religion for over a
year.
Her dad was shocked.
(12:07):
How could that not come up inthe first few dates?
She laughed and she said, dad, Idon't even go to church.
It's the seventies.
No one is swinging through.
Confession on their way to themovie.
Having this discussion intherapy together was not only
life changing for herrelationship with her parents,
(12:27):
but also for her as a therapist.
She learned firsthand thatwithout people talking about.
What their assumptions are, howthey're feeling, that they just
get tangled up inside in waysthat can be so problematic.
Not just for a month, not justfor a year, but for generations
to come.
(12:48):
Interrupting the cycle.
Isn't enough.
You also have to createsomething new.
Identifying the hurt is easy.
Building healthier ways ofrelating takes practice.
Whether you have children,nieces and nephews, friends or
students, your growth ripplesoutward modeling healthy
(13:08):
emotional relationships may bethe most healing legacy you
leave.
In today's episode, youdiscovered four ways to care for
yourself.
When you've stepped away from aclose relationship, allow the
complexity of your emotionsanchor in your why.
and How To Continue showing upwith integrity and how to
(13:29):
interrupt the cycle of hurt soit doesn't get passed on.
Choosing to walk away withself-awareness and compassion is
a form of self-growth.
And it's not easy, but it ispart of what makes you healthier
and more resilient.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Monday with more
creating midlife calm.
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