July 13, 2024 • 31 mins
holy jacuzzi, crybabies! what if the criticisms we experience and feel (in our relationships with others, the world, and with ourselves) is actually our deepest longings & needs trying to be known?
in this jacuzzi-verse layer, we tend to our inner critics with curiosity and compassion—unlocking a potential for more profound inner-allyship & understanding. we also untangle some tired-ass stories linking self-criticism and being a high performer. byeeeee! and as per yooj, we wrap with a nourishing and simple guided exercise! c’mon down and join the tub club 😭♨️
~ shownotes ~
- dr. kristin neff, self-compassion
- for more on agency of our tissues, find jules pashall @fat.as.the.sea on ig
- the robcast, ep 303: south star
- esther perel on we can do hard things
- deb dana, befriending your nervous system (a crybaby HQ book club fave)
- enter to win a free coaching session ~ when you leave a 5-star rating (only) and a written review, you'll be entered into a monthly drawing for a free 90-min coaching session with dana (value of $388). DM (@danablix instagram) or email a screenshot of your submission—take it right before you hit submit—along with the review name/title. winner announcements will be made across platforms!
/// sound-editing/design ~ rose blakelock, theme song ~ kat ottosen, podcast art ~ natalee miller///
@danablix on ig 😭 feeling the pull for coaching support? go to danabalicki.com for inner/outer transformation 🖐️⭐️ leave a 5-star rating & review to be entered in a monthly raffle for a free coaching session (details in show notes) 🎁 share this with your favorite boo-hooer 😭
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I once heard Esther Perel, the famed beloved
relationship therapist, sayevery criticism is a longing,
and she was saying it in theframework of intimate romantic
partnerships and how we can takecriticisms or what feel like
(00:23):
criticisms from each other andget really caught in those and
not really able to hear what theother is saying because we feel
like they're criticizing us andand all that critique can, for
many of us, trigger old stufffrom our earliest caregivers and
(00:44):
other partnerships and our overculture, which is always sort
of a pressing down on us and hasdesigns for how we need to, you
know, move through the world tobe proper and effective
consumers, because the systemswe live inside of need us to be
(01:08):
in a consistent state of ofcritique and self-critique and
critiquing and comparing othersin in.
You know, in order toparticipate in capitalism and
separation, most of us arepretty consistently zooming
along a spectrum ofhypervigilance, a trauma
(01:29):
response.
So we're scanning for threatsto our stability and security,
aka critiques, and have whollyforgotten the tender, ancient
language of longing and truedesire.
Ancient language of longing andtrue desire Any who, every
(01:54):
criticism is a longing, andthose criticisms or what feel
like criticisms are actuallyexpressions of longings,
longings that we have for thosewe are in relationship with, for
how we want to feel and how wewant to feel with them, longings
for our needs to be met,longings to meet the needs of
(02:19):
others.
I want to bring this into ourinner worlds with your inner
critic.
What is your inner criticlonging for?
I promise it is not to fuck youup and be a d-hole and ruin
(02:51):
your life.
That's not it.
It's an important part of youwho's gotten real good at
slicing through the noise andgetting your whole self your
whole self and presencesattention.
It just does it in this veryparticular way.
Like its entire vocabulary isextremely specific and cutting
Again, attention-getting.
It's like it only watchesSeinfeld that's what I imagine
(03:15):
Like your inner critic just onlyhas that channel, that show.
Ugh, my nightmare.
Observe critique, observecritique, just over and over
forever and ever.
So let's take a deep dive, puton your scuba gear or your
(03:38):
mermaid tail and let's swim andswirl all the way down to the
deep little crevices of yourtwisty little weirdo souls,
those deep, dark caverns whereyour inner critic lives, and
(03:59):
let's see what they really longfor.
See what they really long forCrying in my jacuzzi, crying in
(04:33):
my jacuzzi.
So I grew up watching my dad bereally hard on himself.
He's an amazing man and I dofeel really grateful in the dad
department in this lifetime.
(04:54):
There was a lot of violence andalcoholism and abandonment in
his childhood and I know therewere some truly horrific things
that he experienced as a soldierin Vietnam and he got some
(05:15):
therapeutic support later inlife for that PTSD and again I
just have so much gratitude forhis willingness to do that in
our work.
And you know, I just I thinkall the time like it could have
been so tough on me and at thispoint in my life I would maybe
understand if that had happened,because I understand him and I
(05:38):
know him and I know it hasn'tbeen necessarily easy for him
and I know it hasn't beennecessarily easy for him and I
can really feel his agency inchoosing not to be hard on me in
the ways that people were hardon him.
(06:00):
And even though he wasn't hardon me, I saw him being hard on
himself and I inherited some ofthat and I was really hard on
myself for a very long timebecause I learned through him
and again, through our culture,our over culture, the one that
that is built on never enough.
That worthiness came throughdoing and ambition and achieving
(06:25):
and accomplishing.
And the way that you did thatwas by being hard on yourself
and pushing yourself.
And it turns out that goalachieving and high standards and
lacking self-compassion andhigh standards and lacking
(06:48):
self-compassion Like those don'tactually go together very well.
Dr Kristen Neff in her bookSelf-Compassion she quotes a
bunch of different studies whichare super fascinating, where
they examine how people reactwhen they fail to meet standards
and their own standards forthemselves and how high their
standards were in the firstplace.
And findings thatself-compassionate people were
(07:09):
just as likely to have highstandards for themselves as
those who lacked self-compassionand they were a lot less likely
to be hard on themselves whenthey didn't meet those high
standards but they didn't thengive up on those standards.
And additional studies thatself-compassionate people are
more oriented towards personalgrowth than those who are in
(07:30):
that sort of constant cycle ofself-critique.
And that self-compassionatepeople are more likely to
formulate specific plans forreaching their goals and for
making their lives overall morebalanced goals and for making
their lives overall morebalanced.
Anyway, all that to say thatthere's no real correlation
between being really, reallyhard on yourself and achieving
(07:52):
more in life.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Self-criticism is based on fear.
The harsh criticism that comesfrom failing or perceived
failing motivates us to escapeour own self-judgment.
Fear as a motivator willincrease anxiety and undermine
performance.
Research indicates thatself-critics are less likely to
achieve their goals because ofthese unconscious
(08:17):
self-handicapping strategies.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Oh yikes.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Yikes is right, Janet .
Self-compassion is a moreeffective motivator than
self-criticism because itsdriving force is love, not fear.
Love will pump our oxytocin andwe'll feel more confident and
secure.
Fear can send our amygdala intooverdrive and flood the system
with cortisol.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
Poor meatbags.
Sometimes it seems like it'sreally something to be human.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Poor meatbags.
Indeed, janet, it is reallysomething to be human.
Thanks for always getting that.
And I kind of feel like thatframework is a bit of what the
baby boomer generation, like,really brought the world and
(09:09):
that will all be undoing forquite a long time.
My more conscious relationshipwith my own inner critic really
didn't start until I was doingmore conscious healing work in
my mid-twenties, starting withthe Landmark Forum, if you know.
(09:32):
You know, did you get it?
I got it.
But I did a lot of work in myyou know through my late 20s
into my early 30s and buildingmy relationship with myself and
certainly my inner critic was ahuge part of that and there was
a lot that in looking at thatrelationship and addressing
(09:57):
unmet needs.
That took some time and tooksome work and is also the work
that I now do as a coach right.
So I was learning the work bybeing a student of the work.
(10:22):
Over time I really began to seethat my self-criticism was
hindering, not helping, much tomy surprise, and I also came to
really understand that it waslearned from our overculture,
which filtered all the way downmy ancestral line to my family
and then to me, and over timethrough my practices and
(10:43):
awareness building, tending tomy needs and unmet needs and
emotional body and all thethings, I really came into
relationship with my agency andcould experience, feel, no,
(11:07):
deeply believe that agency todecide whether I wanted to keep
choosing that pattern or not.
And I began a lifelong practiceof being kind to myself yes,
kind.
And then come global pandemictimes and something shifted.
(11:36):
So I'd gone from a reallyunconscious relationship into a
pretty conscious, functional,healthy relationship with this
part of myself, what it lookedlike or sounded like in my mind,
what it felt like in my body,my behaviors like.
Whenever I would start to getinto that critical mode for
(11:58):
various reasons, meeting variousneeds, the inner critic would
like to come forward and I knewit and I felt it and all the
things.
And so then around pandemictime I fall flat on my face and
I want to be clear here that Iactually believe my inner critic
(12:19):
has agency.
I believe all things haveagency.
My tissues have agency, like myfat has agency.
The part of myself that Iaddress as an inner critic.
That part has agency, whichmeans I'm not the boss of it but
I get to be in relationshipwith it and so something was
(12:42):
happening to me I mean to all ofus but the way that I was
internalizing, processing whatwas going on in the world left
me feeling destabilized, and oneof my coping mechanisms and
this is a popular one for manyof us is when I feel
(13:03):
destabilized, when I feelunstable, when I feel uncertain,
I try to grasp and control andhold on to things and make sense
of things.
You fold in the cheese thenmake sense of things.
(13:23):
You fold in the cheese then.
So this inherited hardness onmyself was coming back up and,
because it had been so long, Ididn't even really recognize it.
I didn't even really feel itwhen it entered the building.
I didn't recognize it and Istarted again to just be so hard
on myself.
The quality of my inner lifewas changing.
(13:43):
I was destabilized, like somany of us were, in ways that I
hadn't really experienced before.
Global pandemic and everythingthat arose around and through
that, and then, of course, 2020,systemic racism.
(14:05):
I mean there was a lothappening.
Plus, I personally had somesuper fun.
Midlife.
Planetary transits doing theirwork shout out, planetary
transits doing their work.
Shout out.
Neptune, pluto God, that was alittle fucked up.
(14:30):
And so, with so much happeningin the external world, my
internal world was shifting fromthat self-compassion that I had
been practicing prettyvigorously back into an old
pattern of self-critique Forwhat it's worth.
My beliefs didn't change.
It wasn't like all my work overthe years and tending to myself
(14:55):
and listening and all thatconscious relationship building
etc that I've been talking about.
It's not like that went out thewindow, but it's really
important for all of us toremember that old patterns will
come up.
Old rhythms that were born ofdestabilization will show up
(15:17):
when you feel destabilized.
It's written in your nervoussystem, in your muscles, in your
body, in your heart.
I think it's Rob Bell.
He talks about the South Star,which I love, and it's a concept
that I work with and have beenfor many, many, many years, but
(15:37):
I never called it the South Star, but now I do because I love it
, where it's a concept that Iwork with and have been for many
, many, many years, but I nevercalled it the south star, but
now I do because I love it,where it's like, yeah, there's
the north star, the thing we'realways working towards and that
guide us and and the vision andwe're compelled and moved and
all of that that you mightassociate with the north star,
the south star.
Think of it as like theequivalent of, like your deepest
, darkest sort of old patternsthat are painful and have been
(16:01):
around and were born of tryingto process painful,
destabilizing let's justactually say destabilizing,
because I think that's a littlemore neutral and I think that
matters here so fromdestabilizing experiences that
you had at young ages and shapedyou, and so when they come up,
(16:23):
when those patterns come up thisis the primary work I do with
folks it's about yourrelationship to them, like that
you can have agency with.
You don't want to just stuffthose down or cut them out of
your life.
They can be your South Star.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
Hi everyone.
It's me Janet.
This is not an ad, becausethere is nothing to buy or get.
Just take your right hand andcaress your left forearm Elbow
to wrist, elbow to wrist.
Be soft and loving.
Your brain doesn't actuallyknow it's not someone else
gently touching you.
This is very soothing to yournervous system.
We also really loved Ed Dana'swork on polyvagal theory,
(17:26):
especially her book Befriendingyour Nervous System.
I will put in the show notesfor you.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
And I think, in that paradigm of being hard on
yourself and that being thethat's gonna, that way of being
is going to get you somewhere inyour life, somewhere really
good, where you are gonna feelgood and things are gonna be
easy and satisfying.
You know, if you have probablylistened to any of my other
(17:55):
episodes that, like, are notgoing to to to get there, from
here you are not going to get toexpansiveness and satisfaction
and feeling really good andwhole and fulfilled and lit up
and turned on by what you'redoing by being really hard on
yourself.
By being really hard onyourself Right, by letting that
(18:17):
inner critic really run the showand be and like being in an
unconscious relationship with it, the twain shall never meet.
It's like this.
It's not, uh-uh, not gonnahappen, sorry about it.
And then what if You're beinghard on yourself and you're just
(18:38):
pushing, pushing, pushing inways that you have learned to
push, and it has nothing to dowith your actual unmet needs,
with your actual longings, thoselongings that your inner critic
is trying to make known.
So let's again imagine it's notjust some inner jerk, oh my God,
(19:01):
ew, david, it's a part of youtrying to communicate, trying to
get a need met, trying to feelsomething, and if you don't know
what that is and you're notwilling to listen, you're going
to just keep trying to do things, maybe built on other people's
(19:23):
imagination for you to try toget those needs met and it's
it's.
That's a that's a real crapshootway of doing it, of living.
But what's important abouttuning into those is the actual
unmet needs.
(19:44):
Those true longings is becauseyou might be able to access
those things in so many wayssmall, big, medium size, all
different sizes and shapes andcolors if you're really tuned in
to what they are right, andit's not just a oh, I need
(20:05):
validation, or oh, I want to befamous, or oh, I want people to
remember me when I'm dead.
There are deeper longingsunderneath those that are asking
to be known, to be truly seen,to be heard or the need for
stability, or to experienceshared reality, or have space
for self-expression, or to haveorder.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Oh yes, or the need for appreciation or affection or
a sense of independence, oreven the need for harmony.
I'm not entirely sure I haveunmet needs, but I guess I could
be open to the experience,because when needs are unmet we
experience feelings, and whenthey are met, we also experience
feelings.
I'm pretty into feelings.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
And, like your inner critic, just like many different
parts of you has like what Icall kind of a limited
vocabulary, something stinks inhere.
Or they've learned that acertain approach will get your
attention and get you to sort ofslow down and pull back, and
you know, you pull back intosomething that feels like a
(21:08):
little bit more of a safety zoneBecause, remember I said,
they're not inner jerks, they'reactually usually trauma,
protect you from some perceivedpotential pain and you can
believe it or not, ask them, butonly if you're willing to
(21:28):
cultivate a more consciousrelationship.
But you can ask them to come innot so hot.
Less of a fiery ball ofjerkiness, less a bag of extra
spicy beef jerky jam, maybe moreof a mild flavor, maybe a
(21:53):
mushroom jerky, something alittle lighter, something a
little more chill.
I mean, unless you really hatemushrooms, then that's probably
not more chill.
But you get, hopefully, whatI'm picking up, what I'm putting
down here.
You can make the request tohear what your inner critic
really wants to tell you, whatit really wants to convey to you
(22:18):
, what it's really trying tomake sure that you hear and
understand.
With its limited vocabulary anddelivery system.
That feels a lot like, you know, like Mission Impossible.
It's like you.
You get the message and then itlike explodes a second later.
(22:41):
Anyway, intense, intenserelationship that we will often
just be like, ah, get out ofhere, or we'll just be so
unconscious and swan die rightinto it and be like, yes, I am a
turd, I'm the worst, I need todo everything so much better and
the work is never done.
(23:02):
So here's a little practice foryou to connect with your inner
critic in more conscious,meaningful and, dare I say,
productive ways.
(23:39):
You can just take some time,make a little space for yourself
, maybe your home, somewhere youfeel good and safe and quiet as
you.
This you can do it in differentplaces over time, but maybe the
first time you make a nicelittle space for yourself, you
can record it, or you can takeout a notebook and write, or you
(24:04):
can do neither of those things,right, you know, like, if you
don't need to document it, don'tworry about it, but just take
the space, set the tone andalways light a little candle if
that feels like that drops youin.
For me that's always a lovely,a lovely little key invitation
(24:26):
to myself, acknowledgement like,oh, yeah, we're doing a thing.
You can just get quiet,breathing, eyes closed, if that
feels good, and turn towardsthat part of yourself.
Invite forward the inner criticand maybe that's not the name
you give to it.
Maybe it's like the one who andmaybe there's a specific vibe
(24:50):
it has for you.
But just turn towards it andsay hello.
You can say hello, I see you, Ihear you, I'm willing to listen
.
I'm really willing to listen towhat you want me to hear, what
you're trying to tell me.
I want to hear it and I needyou to say it again and a little
(25:16):
nicer, a little kinder, softenthat up a little, please.
I'm listening and then you'reopening the conversation and if
they come in real hot again,just say like, okay, I'm hearing
you and lighten it up.
Most times it that comes through, the request is met.
(25:39):
Then you can go on and say okay, so what are you trying to tell
me?
Or you can reflect back toyourself Okay, what I think I
hear is you're trying to tell methat I need more support or I
need to take a little more timein my preparation for these
kinds of projects or this kindof situation, or whatever the
(26:04):
feedback, whatever it is thatyou hear.
If you need to ask it morequestions, ask it some
clarifying questions and thenthink it.
So you're getting curious withthis part of yourself, you're
extending some compassion,you're also setting a little bit
of boundary, you canacknowledge, for how hard it's
(26:28):
been working, in its own littleway, it's been trying to get
needs met Right.
Because this is what you'reultimately doing is you are
trying to hear the need.
It is trying to have met yourneed, the desire, it's longing,
and you are recognizing andhearing the longing and then you
(26:49):
are saying, yes, I will meetthat longing.
And you're recognizing andhearing the longing and then you
are saying, yes, I will meetthat longing, I will endeavor to
attend to that unmet need,because it is your own unmet
need.
But as you make it moreconscious, you make it more
accessible and then you can lookaround your world and see the
(27:12):
ways that you can meet that needand sometimes even just by
articulating it, such a deeppart of that need is met.
And again, just like everything, little by little you get to
meet yourself, you get to turntowards yourself and when you're
(27:33):
willing to listen and that partof you communicates, you can be
in a resonant relationship withit and say, oh, I get that, I
see, I see why.
I see what you're saying, I cansee why you'd feel that way or
why you'd have that longing, whywe'd have that longing.
(27:56):
This is how you build self-trust.
This is you extendingtenderness to yourself, giving
yourself a little spaciousnessin this very jam-packed world,
(28:18):
very unconscious world we areliving inside of.
You are bringing someconsciousness, you are bringing
some tender attention, sometender attention.
You're breaking perhapswhatever cycle began, this unmet
need, by not rejecting yourself, by turning towards yourself,
(28:40):
by extending compassion andattention.
I mean, we are our own bestlittle experimental petri dishes
, aren't we?
Who knows?
Maybe your inner critic couldturn into one of your most
trusted allies, and then you'llbe in a great relationship.
(29:01):
And then time will pass andthings will float back down to
the bottom of the river.
And then something will happenin the world around you, in your
life, and it will get kickedback up and old patterns will
bring you back.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
I am your South Star, as it were.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
And you'll have this muscle memory.
You'll have this practice todraw on, you'll have the memory
of compassion in your bones.
Compassion bones Sounds likesome sort of softcore poppy high
(29:45):
school band that I wouldabsolutely go listen to.
In Zen, buddhism, the conceptof interbeing says that because
(30:05):
one exists, everything exists.
So your inner critic exists inan ecosystem, a perfect
ecosystem inherent withbelonging.
Just because you were born,just because you exist.
So interact, be the body in thebody, the feelings in the
feelings.
Enter into yourself, penetrateyourself to yourself, penetrate
(30:39):
yourself, enter into the world,penetrate all that is around you
.
Live, damn it live.
(31:04):
If you enjoyed what we did heretoday, go over to wherever it
is that you are listening tothis podcast and give us a
rating as many stars.
Speaker 3 (31:13):
Five.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
As your heart desires .
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Five stars though.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
Theme music and other musical bits by the very
talented Kat Otteson, Sounddesign and editing by the
effervescent Rose Blakelock.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I look forward to playing withyou more in my jacuzzi.
That sounded dirtier than Imeant it, but you know what I
(31:38):
mean.
I once heard Esther Perel, the famed beloved
relationship therapist, sayevery criticism is a longing,
and she was saying it in theframework of intimate romantic
partnerships and how we can takecriticisms or what feel like
(00:23):
criticisms from each other andget really caught in those and
not really able to hear what theother is saying because we feel
like they're criticizing us andand all that critique can, for
many of us, trigger old stufffrom our earliest caregivers and
(00:44):
other partnerships and our overculture, which is always sort
of a pressing down on us and hasdesigns for how we need to, you
know, move through the world tobe proper and effective
consumers, because the systemswe live inside of need us to be
(01:08):
in a consistent state of ofcritique and self-critique and
critiquing and comparing othersin in.
You know, in order toparticipate in capitalism and
separation, most of us arepretty consistently zooming
along a spectrum ofhypervigilance, a trauma
(01:29):
response.
So we're scanning for threatsto our stability and security,
aka critiques, and have whollyforgotten the tender, ancient
language of longing and truedesire.
Ancient language of longing andtrue desire Any who, every
(01:54):
criticism is a longing, andthose criticisms or what feel
like criticisms are actuallyexpressions of longings,
longings that we have for thosewe are in relationship with, for
how we want to feel and how wewant to feel with them, longings
for our needs to be met,longings to meet the needs of
(02:19):
others.
I want to bring this into ourinner worlds with your inner
critic.
What is your inner criticlonging for?
I promise it is not to fuck youup and be a d-hole and ruin
(02:51):
your life.
That's not it.
It's an important part of youwho's gotten real good at
slicing through the noise andgetting your whole self your
whole self and presencesattention.
It just does it in this veryparticular way.
Like its entire vocabulary isextremely specific and cutting
Again, attention-getting.
It's like it only watchesSeinfeld that's what I imagine
(03:15):
Like your inner critic just onlyhas that channel, that show.
Ugh, my nightmare.
Observe critique, observecritique, just over and over
forever and ever.
So let's take a deep dive, puton your scuba gear or your
(03:38):
mermaid tail and let's swim andswirl all the way down to the
deep little crevices of yourtwisty little weirdo souls,
those deep, dark caverns whereyour inner critic lives, and
(03:59):
let's see what they really longfor.
See what they really long forCrying in my jacuzzi, crying in
(04:33):
my jacuzzi.
So I grew up watching my dad bereally hard on himself.
He's an amazing man and I dofeel really grateful in the dad
department in this lifetime.
(04:54):
There was a lot of violence andalcoholism and abandonment in
his childhood and I know therewere some truly horrific things
that he experienced as a soldierin Vietnam and he got some
(05:15):
therapeutic support later inlife for that PTSD and again I
just have so much gratitude forhis willingness to do that in
our work.
And you know, I just I thinkall the time like it could have
been so tough on me and at thispoint in my life I would maybe
understand if that had happened,because I understand him and I
(05:38):
know him and I know it hasn'tbeen necessarily easy for him
and I know it hasn't beennecessarily easy for him and I
can really feel his agency inchoosing not to be hard on me in
the ways that people were hardon him.
(06:00):
And even though he wasn't hardon me, I saw him being hard on
himself and I inherited some ofthat and I was really hard on
myself for a very long timebecause I learned through him
and again, through our culture,our over culture, the one that
that is built on never enough.
That worthiness came throughdoing and ambition and achieving
(06:25):
and accomplishing.
And the way that you did thatwas by being hard on yourself
and pushing yourself.
And it turns out that goalachieving and high standards and
lacking self-compassion andhigh standards and lacking
(06:48):
self-compassion Like those don'tactually go together very well.
Dr Kristen Neff in her bookSelf-Compassion she quotes a
bunch of different studies whichare super fascinating, where
they examine how people reactwhen they fail to meet standards
and their own standards forthemselves and how high their
standards were in the firstplace.
And findings thatself-compassionate people were
(07:09):
just as likely to have highstandards for themselves as
those who lacked self-compassionand they were a lot less likely
to be hard on themselves whenthey didn't meet those high
standards but they didn't thengive up on those standards.
And additional studies thatself-compassionate people are
more oriented towards personalgrowth than those who are in
(07:30):
that sort of constant cycle ofself-critique.
And that self-compassionatepeople are more likely to
formulate specific plans forreaching their goals and for
making their lives overall morebalanced goals and for making
their lives overall morebalanced.
Anyway, all that to say thatthere's no real correlation
between being really, reallyhard on yourself and achieving
(07:52):
more in life.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Self-criticism is based on fear.
The harsh criticism that comesfrom failing or perceived
failing motivates us to escapeour own self-judgment.
Fear as a motivator willincrease anxiety and undermine
performance.
Research indicates thatself-critics are less likely to
achieve their goals because ofthese unconscious
(08:17):
self-handicapping strategies.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Oh yikes.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Yikes is right, Janet .
Self-compassion is a moreeffective motivator than
self-criticism because itsdriving force is love, not fear.
Love will pump our oxytocin andwe'll feel more confident and
secure.
Fear can send our amygdala intooverdrive and flood the system
with cortisol.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
Poor meatbags.
Sometimes it seems like it'sreally something to be human.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Poor meatbags.
Indeed, janet, it is reallysomething to be human.
Thanks for always getting that.
And I kind of feel like thatframework is a bit of what the
baby boomer generation, like,really brought the world and
(09:09):
that will all be undoing forquite a long time.
My more conscious relationshipwith my own inner critic really
didn't start until I was doingmore conscious healing work in
my mid-twenties, starting withthe Landmark Forum, if you know.
(09:32):
You know, did you get it?
I got it.
But I did a lot of work in myyou know through my late 20s
into my early 30s and buildingmy relationship with myself and
certainly my inner critic was ahuge part of that and there was
a lot that in looking at thatrelationship and addressing
(09:57):
unmet needs.
That took some time and tooksome work and is also the work
that I now do as a coach right.
So I was learning the work bybeing a student of the work.
(10:22):
Over time I really began to seethat my self-criticism was
hindering, not helping, much tomy surprise, and I also came to
really understand that it waslearned from our overculture,
which filtered all the way downmy ancestral line to my family
and then to me, and over timethrough my practices and
(10:43):
awareness building, tending tomy needs and unmet needs and
emotional body and all thethings, I really came into
relationship with my agency andcould experience, feel, no,
(11:07):
deeply believe that agency todecide whether I wanted to keep
choosing that pattern or not.
And I began a lifelong practiceof being kind to myself yes,
kind.
And then come global pandemictimes and something shifted.
(11:36):
So I'd gone from a reallyunconscious relationship into a
pretty conscious, functional,healthy relationship with this
part of myself, what it lookedlike or sounded like in my mind,
what it felt like in my body,my behaviors like.
Whenever I would start to getinto that critical mode for
(11:58):
various reasons, meeting variousneeds, the inner critic would
like to come forward and I knewit and I felt it and all the
things.
And so then around pandemictime I fall flat on my face and
I want to be clear here that Iactually believe my inner critic
(12:19):
has agency.
I believe all things haveagency.
My tissues have agency, like myfat has agency.
The part of myself that Iaddress as an inner critic.
That part has agency, whichmeans I'm not the boss of it but
I get to be in relationshipwith it and so something was
(12:42):
happening to me I mean to all ofus but the way that I was
internalizing, processing whatwas going on in the world left
me feeling destabilized, and oneof my coping mechanisms and
this is a popular one for manyof us is when I feel
(13:03):
destabilized, when I feelunstable, when I feel uncertain,
I try to grasp and control andhold on to things and make sense
of things.
You fold in the cheese thenmake sense of things.
(13:23):
You fold in the cheese then.
So this inherited hardness onmyself was coming back up and,
because it had been so long, Ididn't even really recognize it.
I didn't even really feel itwhen it entered the building.
I didn't recognize it and Istarted again to just be so hard
on myself.
The quality of my inner lifewas changing.
(13:43):
I was destabilized, like somany of us were, in ways that I
hadn't really experienced before.
Global pandemic and everythingthat arose around and through
that, and then, of course, 2020,systemic racism.
(14:05):
I mean there was a lothappening.
Plus, I personally had somesuper fun.
Midlife.
Planetary transits doing theirwork shout out, planetary
transits doing their work.
Shout out.
Neptune, pluto God, that was alittle fucked up.
(14:30):
And so, with so much happeningin the external world, my
internal world was shifting fromthat self-compassion that I had
been practicing prettyvigorously back into an old
pattern of self-critique Forwhat it's worth.
My beliefs didn't change.
It wasn't like all my work overthe years and tending to myself
(14:55):
and listening and all thatconscious relationship building
etc that I've been talking about.
It's not like that went out thewindow, but it's really
important for all of us toremember that old patterns will
come up.
Old rhythms that were born ofdestabilization will show up
(15:17):
when you feel destabilized.
It's written in your nervoussystem, in your muscles, in your
body, in your heart.
I think it's Rob Bell.
He talks about the South Star,which I love, and it's a concept
that I work with and have beenfor many, many, many years, but
(15:37):
I never called it the South Star, but now I do because I love it
, where it's a concept that Iwork with and have been for many
, many, many years, but I nevercalled it the south star, but
now I do because I love it,where it's like, yeah, there's
the north star, the thing we'realways working towards and that
guide us and and the vision andwe're compelled and moved and
all of that that you mightassociate with the north star,
the south star.
Think of it as like theequivalent of, like your deepest
, darkest sort of old patternsthat are painful and have been
(16:01):
around and were born of tryingto process painful,
destabilizing let's justactually say destabilizing,
because I think that's a littlemore neutral and I think that
matters here so fromdestabilizing experiences that
you had at young ages and shapedyou, and so when they come up,
(16:23):
when those patterns come up thisis the primary work I do with
folks it's about yourrelationship to them, like that
you can have agency with.
You don't want to just stuffthose down or cut them out of
your life.
They can be your South Star.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
Hi everyone.
It's me Janet.
This is not an ad, becausethere is nothing to buy or get.
Just take your right hand andcaress your left forearm Elbow
to wrist, elbow to wrist.
Be soft and loving.
Your brain doesn't actuallyknow it's not someone else
gently touching you.
This is very soothing to yournervous system.
We also really loved Ed Dana'swork on polyvagal theory,
(17:26):
especially her book Befriendingyour Nervous System.
I will put in the show notesfor you.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
And I think, in that paradigm of being hard on
yourself and that being thethat's gonna, that way of being
is going to get you somewhere inyour life, somewhere really
good, where you are gonna feelgood and things are gonna be
easy and satisfying.
You know, if you have probablylistened to any of my other
(17:55):
episodes that, like, are notgoing to to to get there, from
here you are not going to get toexpansiveness and satisfaction
and feeling really good andwhole and fulfilled and lit up
and turned on by what you'redoing by being really hard on
yourself.
By being really hard onyourself Right, by letting that
(18:17):
inner critic really run the showand be and like being in an
unconscious relationship with it, the twain shall never meet.
It's like this.
It's not, uh-uh, not gonnahappen, sorry about it.
And then what if You're beinghard on yourself and you're just
(18:38):
pushing, pushing, pushing inways that you have learned to
push, and it has nothing to dowith your actual unmet needs,
with your actual longings, thoselongings that your inner critic
is trying to make known.
So let's again imagine it's notjust some inner jerk, oh my God,
(19:01):
ew, david, it's a part of youtrying to communicate, trying to
get a need met, trying to feelsomething, and if you don't know
what that is and you're notwilling to listen, you're going
to just keep trying to do things, maybe built on other people's
(19:23):
imagination for you to try toget those needs met and it's
it's.
That's a that's a real crapshootway of doing it, of living.
But what's important abouttuning into those is the actual
unmet needs.
(19:44):
Those true longings is becauseyou might be able to access
those things in so many wayssmall, big, medium size, all
different sizes and shapes andcolors if you're really tuned in
to what they are right, andit's not just a oh, I need
(20:05):
validation, or oh, I want to befamous, or oh, I want people to
remember me when I'm dead.
There are deeper longingsunderneath those that are asking
to be known, to be truly seen,to be heard or the need for
stability, or to experienceshared reality, or have space
for self-expression, or to haveorder.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Oh yes, or the need for appreciation or affection or
a sense of independence, oreven the need for harmony.
I'm not entirely sure I haveunmet needs, but I guess I could
be open to the experience,because when needs are unmet we
experience feelings, and whenthey are met, we also experience
feelings.
I'm pretty into feelings.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
And, like your inner critic, just like many different
parts of you has like what Icall kind of a limited
vocabulary, something stinks inhere.
Or they've learned that acertain approach will get your
attention and get you to sort ofslow down and pull back, and
you know, you pull back intosomething that feels like a
(21:08):
little bit more of a safety zoneBecause, remember I said,
they're not inner jerks, they'reactually usually trauma,
protect you from some perceivedpotential pain and you can
believe it or not, ask them, butonly if you're willing to
(21:28):
cultivate a more consciousrelationship.
But you can ask them to come innot so hot.
Less of a fiery ball ofjerkiness, less a bag of extra
spicy beef jerky jam, maybe moreof a mild flavor, maybe a
(21:53):
mushroom jerky, something alittle lighter, something a
little more chill.
I mean, unless you really hatemushrooms, then that's probably
not more chill.
But you get, hopefully, whatI'm picking up, what I'm putting
down here.
You can make the request tohear what your inner critic
really wants to tell you, whatit really wants to convey to you
(22:18):
, what it's really trying tomake sure that you hear and
understand.
With its limited vocabulary anddelivery system.
That feels a lot like, you know, like Mission Impossible.
It's like you.
You get the message and then itlike explodes a second later.
(22:41):
Anyway, intense, intenserelationship that we will often
just be like, ah, get out ofhere, or we'll just be so
unconscious and swan die rightinto it and be like, yes, I am a
turd, I'm the worst, I need todo everything so much better and
the work is never done.
(23:02):
So here's a little practice foryou to connect with your inner
critic in more conscious,meaningful and, dare I say,
productive ways.
(23:39):
You can just take some time,make a little space for yourself
, maybe your home, somewhere youfeel good and safe and quiet as
you.
This you can do it in differentplaces over time, but maybe the
first time you make a nicelittle space for yourself, you
can record it, or you can takeout a notebook and write, or you
(24:04):
can do neither of those things,right, you know, like, if you
don't need to document it, don'tworry about it, but just take
the space, set the tone andalways light a little candle if
that feels like that drops youin.
For me that's always a lovely,a lovely little key invitation
(24:26):
to myself, acknowledgement like,oh, yeah, we're doing a thing.
You can just get quiet,breathing, eyes closed, if that
feels good, and turn towardsthat part of yourself.
Invite forward the inner criticand maybe that's not the name
you give to it.
Maybe it's like the one who andmaybe there's a specific vibe
(24:50):
it has for you.
But just turn towards it andsay hello.
You can say hello, I see you, Ihear you, I'm willing to listen
.
I'm really willing to listen towhat you want me to hear, what
you're trying to tell me.
I want to hear it and I needyou to say it again and a little
(25:16):
nicer, a little kinder, softenthat up a little, please.
I'm listening and then you'reopening the conversation and if
they come in real hot again,just say like, okay, I'm hearing
you and lighten it up.
Most times it that comes through, the request is met.
(25:39):
Then you can go on and say okay, so what are you trying to tell
me?
Or you can reflect back toyourself Okay, what I think I
hear is you're trying to tell methat I need more support or I
need to take a little more timein my preparation for these
kinds of projects or this kindof situation, or whatever the
(26:04):
feedback, whatever it is thatyou hear.
If you need to ask it morequestions, ask it some
clarifying questions and thenthink it.
So you're getting curious withthis part of yourself, you're
extending some compassion,you're also setting a little bit
of boundary, you canacknowledge, for how hard it's
(26:28):
been working, in its own littleway, it's been trying to get
needs met Right.
Because this is what you'reultimately doing is you are
trying to hear the need.
It is trying to have met yourneed, the desire, it's longing,
and you are recognizing andhearing the longing and then you
(26:49):
are saying, yes, I will meetthat longing.
And you're recognizing andhearing the longing and then you
are saying, yes, I will meetthat longing, I will endeavor to
attend to that unmet need,because it is your own unmet
need.
But as you make it moreconscious, you make it more
accessible and then you can lookaround your world and see the
(27:12):
ways that you can meet that needand sometimes even just by
articulating it, such a deeppart of that need is met.
And again, just like everything, little by little you get to
meet yourself, you get to turntowards yourself and when you're
(27:33):
willing to listen and that partof you communicates, you can be
in a resonant relationship withit and say, oh, I get that, I
see, I see why.
I see what you're saying, I cansee why you'd feel that way or
why you'd have that longing, whywe'd have that longing.
(27:56):
This is how you build self-trust.
This is you extendingtenderness to yourself, giving
yourself a little spaciousnessin this very jam-packed world,
(28:18):
very unconscious world we areliving inside of.
You are bringing someconsciousness, you are bringing
some tender attention, sometender attention.
You're breaking perhapswhatever cycle began, this unmet
need, by not rejecting yourself, by turning towards yourself,
(28:40):
by extending compassion andattention.
I mean, we are our own bestlittle experimental petri dishes
, aren't we?
Who knows?
Maybe your inner critic couldturn into one of your most
trusted allies, and then you'llbe in a great relationship.
(29:01):
And then time will pass andthings will float back down to
the bottom of the river.
And then something will happenin the world around you, in your
life, and it will get kickedback up and old patterns will
bring you back.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
I am your South Star, as it were.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
And you'll have this muscle memory.
You'll have this practice todraw on, you'll have the memory
of compassion in your bones.
Compassion bones Sounds likesome sort of softcore poppy high
(29:45):
school band that I wouldabsolutely go listen to.
In Zen, buddhism, the conceptof interbeing says that because
(30:05):
one exists, everything exists.
So your inner critic exists inan ecosystem, a perfect
ecosystem inherent withbelonging.
Just because you were born,just because you exist.
So interact, be the body in thebody, the feelings in the
feelings.
Enter into yourself, penetrateyourself to yourself, penetrate
(30:39):
yourself, enter into the world,penetrate all that is around you
.
Live, damn it live.
(31:04):
If you enjoyed what we did heretoday, go over to wherever it
is that you are listening tothis podcast and give us a
rating as many stars.
Speaker 3 (31:13):
Five.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
As your heart desires .
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Five stars though.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
Theme music and other musical bits by the very
talented Kat Otteson, Sounddesign and editing by the
effervescent Rose Blakelock.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I look forward to playing withyou more in my jacuzzi.
That sounded dirtier than Imeant it, but you know what I
(31:38):
mean.
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