October 8, 2024 • 34 mins
Falling apart is hard work, crybabies. But you know what's even harder? NOT falling apart and using all of your precious energy and attention to hold your sh*t together in some configuration based on someone else's polycrisis-inducing imagination for your life! In the LAST EPISODE OF SEASON 2, we'll be looking at why falling apart is a useful technology for these times, how to recognize it when it's at your door, and how to make friends with it. We wrap with a group fondle (of plants, you dirty bird) with the whole existential team over here at crybaby HQ, broadcasting from the center of the jacuzzi-verse. So tune in and let go. We got you. 😭♨️
P.S. The "ai cohost" (part of the pod platform at buzzsprout) suggested "embracing the fall: finding transformation in chaos and jacuzzis" for the title of this episode. Just thought you should at least know that deeply poetic option existed. 🙏🏼
~show notes~
- Living Systems with Leah Garza
- Pema Chödrön, Welcoming the Unwelcome (not Welcoming Uncertainty as is quoted in the episode)
- MONTHLY RAFFLE for a free 90-min coaching session ~ when you leave a 5-star rating (only) and a written review (can be short & sweet), you'll be entered into a monthly drawing for a free 90-min coaching session with dana (value of $388). DM (@danablix ig) or email (dana@danabalicki.com) a screenshot of your submission—take it right before you hit submit—along with the review name/title. Once entered, always entered. Winner announcements will be made mid-month.
- Have a question for advice dom? Call in and SUBMIT (your question) --> 760-820-9070
/// sound-editing/design ~ rose blakelock, theme song ~ kat ottosen, podcast art ~ natalee miller ///
@danablix on ig 😭 feeling the pull for coaching support? go to danabalicki.com for inner/outer transformation 🖐️⭐️ leave a 5-star rating & review to be entered in a monthly raffle for a free coaching session (details in show notes) 🎁 share this with your favorite boo-hooer 😭
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Falling apart is hard work.
We exist in late-stagecapitalism in the Anthropocene,
so on some level it's allfalling apart Personally,
collectively, civilizationally,Messy, and it takes a commitment
to fall apart.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
That's too hard if it's too real.
Commitment to fall apart that'stoo hard if it's too real.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Socially, the commitment comes when we
collectively organize andculture shift and personally,
and the two go together.
It's deeply uncomfortable toallow the cracks to be felt and
(00:44):
we're taught to turn away fromthem, to fall apart only in ways
that keep us as good consumers.
But the invitation here is toturn towards the cracks, to turn
towards falling apart Hellocrack, hello fracture, hello
(01:06):
crack, hello fracture, helloabyss and to not just try to fix
, fix, fix, fix, fix.
Sew it all up, patch it allback together, put a little bow
on top.
We will not get to the next bigshift by trying to stay exactly
(01:28):
as we are.
We cannot get to there fromhere.
It is a risk to fall apart, tobe undone by our own lives, by
each other, by the world actingupon us as we act upon it, by
that relationship, to bedisoriented, to release the
(01:54):
control that comes with fallingapart.
And we remember that the riskis the price of creation.
There's a Japanese haiku fromthe 17th century that goes barns
burnt down.
Now I can see the moon Cryingin my jacuzzi, crying in my
(02:37):
jacuzzi, crying in my jacuzzi,crying in my jacuzzi.
(03:03):
The ups and flows of living,examined life.
We live life, love in theAnthropocene.
I was recently in class with thebeautiful Living Systems
community, led by my dear friend, leah Garza.
I'm a student, I'm a guestteacher and there was another
(03:23):
guest teacher who I havementioned before on this podcast
the post-humanist thinker,writer, philosopher, bayo
Okomolafe, and he's a poet and Ifeel like he turns everyone
into a poet or more encouragestowards more poetic thinking,
speaking, feeling, and theconversation of falling apart
(03:47):
had emerged and one of thethings that he said in this open
the conversation up to was thatfalling apart is a useful
technology and the idea there isthat it's a useful technology
if what we're trying to do ismove on from the old paradigms
(04:10):
based in colonialism, supremacy,oppression, suppression,
separation, and into a new, butmaybe also ancient, experience
of deep relationality andconnection.
That falling apart can make usin relation to the old paradigm,
(04:33):
make us useless, and that if weare useless in relationship to
dominant culture, then we arenot useful, as he said, not
useful for the plantation, notuseful to the plantation.
So if we fall apart and leaninto that experience with agency
(04:58):
, with curiosity, withcompassion, and not go to fix
like not just constantly turningoutward to consume or extract,
fixing in some way shape or formfrom outside of ourselves I
(05:21):
mean in a consumer way, not in aconnective being in community
kind of way that we becomeuseless as juice, as fuel for
the dominant culture.
Oh, it's not cocaine, idiotwe're snorting time and so as
(05:44):
painful as falling apart can beand I I'm looking around and I'm
seeing more mass falling apartthan I have I've ever seen in my
short little 43.9 years yearsand I know that it is so scary
(06:05):
and so discombobulating andreshaping us from the inside out
and reshaping our connectionsand our relationships and our
roles and our responsibilities,the ways that we have understood
ourselves as responsible toeach other, even the people we
will never know and never meet.
(06:27):
That we've only been able to seethat looking at Gaza, looking
at the Palestinian people as anexample that are falling apart,
are asking big questions, arelook collectively and personally
, looking at the systems ofoppression that have been in
(06:50):
place for a very long time andare now right in our faces,
right because we pick up thephone, we open whatever app and
there it is, in a way that hasnever been before and our bodies
are trying to process thatinformation and a level of
information just amount-wise andcontent-wise, that we have
(07:16):
never experienced as a human,collective experience.
It's never happened like thisbefore.
Hello, stranger, this is myfirst time here.
As fucked up and problematic asit all definitely feels, I want
to shine a light on the utility, the usefulness of falling
(07:39):
apart that the heartbreak whichwe've talked so much about here,
that the heartbreak which we'vetalked so much about here, has
in some ways severed ourunconscious connection, our
unconscious ties, grip necessityof these dominant, violent
(08:01):
paradigms and there are so manyways in which we can actually
resist this falling apart.
You can't make me Because we'vebeen taught that it's scary,
that it's wrong, that we'llnever get out of it.
We'll only just keep fallingapart more and more and more
until we dissolve and stopexisting in so scary existential
(08:22):
dread and terror.
I get it, I do, and in my 13years as a coach I've seen lots
of that fear and I've seen lotsof people turn towards the
falling apart, which can lookvery different for different
people when we confront orbecome conscious of those fears
(08:44):
and allow ourselves in our ownways and in my case, being a
guide with others, so with someguidance to fall apart and then
just notice how we want to putthings back together really fast
and make it a nice neat littlepackage or want to integrate the
(09:05):
new information that was alittle messy, like back into the
system and like, okay, well,that was really interesting, let
me put it back in here and letme have all of my pieces
together again.
Right, and there's comfort inthat and, like you've heard me
say, comfort and security reallygetting conflated.
There's risk to falling apart.
(09:26):
There's risk in being lessuseful to the systems.
There's risk in not goingimmediately to fixing or
integrating framework it's allgot to be integrated which
(09:54):
sometimes I feel like is anotherway in which we are just trying
to hustle things along and tieup all of our loose ends back
into something that looks andfeels a little cuter, cleaner,
purer.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Less messy emotionally.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
And I'm not here to demonize or even judge any of
that.
If you're doing that or youfind yourself doing that, I find
myself doing it.
That's when we bring in thatawareness and compassion and
acceptance, curiosity, and thensee if we can let a little more
go.
Pema Chodron writes, inWelcoming Uncertainty, that life
(10:37):
always gives us everything weneed to open further.
Everything is always in process.
Every tree and leaf and bug onthe leaf and microbe on the bug
(11:08):
on leaf on the tree is alwayschanging.
Nothing is fixed, nothing isstatic.
We can call it impermanence, wecan call it so many things, and
we really don't have to bephysicists or mystics to know
this one, to understand this.
(11:32):
But that doesn't mean that wewon't resist it.
Because, as much as I love, theidea, the phrase, the feeling,
the resonance of everything isalways working out for me as a
focus of positive expectation,something to play with sometimes
.
But that does not mean thateverything is always going our
(11:56):
way right.
That's the paradox.
And so, even if things areunfolding for you in ways that
feel generative, nourishing,exciting, satisfying, that
(12:17):
doesn't mean that loss is notpart of it.
And if we can be with that, Ithink we can be pretty good with
falling apart.
I think that that might bereally an important key to
allowing surrendering.
(12:39):
I mean, I'm pretty sure youcan't surrender unless you are
willing to embrace some level ofimpermanence and transition and
loss, which also probably meansgrieving, which you know.
(13:00):
We learn how to grieve well sothat we can live well, so that
we can die well, so that we canlive well so that we can die
well.
But if you weren't trying sohard to hold your shit together,
keep yourself from fallingapart in whatever like small,
little, medium-sized, big way,you might imagine, it Could be
(13:22):
just letting yourself feel yourfeelings.
Letting yourself let some ragepoke through Could be letting go
of your feelings.
Letting yourself let some ragepoke through Could be letting go
of a relationship.
It could be having the courageor giving yourself permission to
not want something that you'vebuilt because it feels so
uncertain.
And we get caught in sort ofthis sunk cost loop of like,
(13:46):
well, I put so much time intothis so far and and I can't just
get out of it because then Iwill have lost so much, so we
just keep investing more ofourselves into something, into
some way of being, into someperson in relationships, some
idea, some trajectory, becausewe're afraid to lose.
(14:07):
Well, I promise you, you arelosing anyway.
So are you going to lose inservice of staying the same?
Are you going to loseexperience?
A loss in service of change,shift, transformation.
(14:28):
Loss is going to happen eitherway.
Discomfort's going to happeneither way.
Destabilization and all thefeelings that come along with
that and all the old patternsit's going to happen either way.
This is often why people come towork with me is because they
know something's afoot and theywant to call it in.
Or it's right at their door, orthey're in the middle of it and
(14:52):
and they want to they want tofigure out how they can move
through it and be in service ofthe transformation.
But all the uncertainty anddiscomfort and destabilization
and fear and all the things thatare also there with that.
But they're there becausethey're all of those, those,
those greatest hits right, thoselimiting patterns, limiting
(15:15):
beliefs, emotions, sensations,coping mechanisms, survival
strategies, nervous systemactivation all of that is there
If you are moving in service, incuriosity, in willingness
towards the falling apart,towards the change, because they
(15:37):
are there.
All those things are there toprotect you from things that
feel and you perceive as painfulor scary.
So they're really there to letyou know that you are on the
precipice.
So, if they are there, you areon the precipice and it will be
scary.
(15:57):
Yes, there will be blood, butthe work isn't to get away from
the fear, though.
You will try to do that.
I try to do that.
It's just baked right into us.
So there's nothing wrong withyou for doing it, but keep
turning towards it.
Just a little curiosity, just alittle compassion for yourself.
(16:21):
Just a little willingness, justa little courage to take the
next step, we fall apart.
It all falls apart little bylittle, then all of a sudden
change so we can just see thenext little little phase.
(16:43):
Right, this is what I talk aboutwith my clients all the time.
It's like we can't see 10 milesout.
We can imagine, but we can'tactually see it.
Right, so we can intend it, butwe can't see all the steps
Right, we can't, we can't seethe whole thing, and so what we
can just do is is see, sort of,the next step.
The light will shine on it andwe take a, a step right into
(17:06):
that, into that lit space, andthen we can see what is next.
Right, we'll then illuminate,right, we can keep moving in
that way.
That is different than what ourculture tells us Really like to
to welcome the new.
What is next?
New, what is next, what we'rebeginning to dream and imagine
(17:28):
together, not as a final processbut as an experience of
aliveness.
And then, you know, I thinkwe're in a time where we don't
know how to do it, but we'restarting to learn.
It's not even learning, it'slike we're creating something
(17:50):
that maybe doesn't even fullyexist yet.
But before something can exist,we do have to dream it, imagine
it.
But this is how we learngenerosity.
(18:26):
This is how we learn, step bystep, falling apart, being
useless but also useful in a newway, toward our own ability to
be with and welcome what is Alex.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
I'm back from vacation, but my voice is a
little run down from overdoingit.
Have you ever tried to ziplinethrough the jungle?
It was exhilarating.
Janet, can you remind thecrybabies of the quote?
Speaker 3 (19:00):
from episode 1, season 1?
Oh sure, alex, welcome back.
I have not done a zipline, butnow I endeavor to yes the quote
from our first ever episode.
Welcome to my jacuzzi, have atranscendent hot dog.
What a fun moment that was Okay.
So the poet Alok said it'snever about making sense, it's
(19:24):
about making sensation, it'sabout what things make us feel.
In order for something to makesense, it has to pay allegiance
to an idea that already existed,and we want to make new ideas,
so we have to be speculative andexperimental.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Exactly, exactly.
So much of the time when I'mworking with someone and they
are falling apart, which is partof what we do Push the deaf
angle yeah, that's a greatselling point.
Again, we can do a little workto design it, but then we don't
(19:59):
have control over the wholeprocess.
We just consistently rememberand practice with our own agency
.
But so often it's a subtractiveprocess and a subtractive
process without a defined endpoint.
(20:20):
We were tuning into vision andwe're calling in some new
thoughts and ultimately,thoughts to practice, with
(20:41):
resonance and resonant feelingand emotion and sensation
falling apart.
Work is to cultivate thepractice of gazing into the
abyss, into our own abyss, andnot trying to tie it all up with
a cute little bow and createsome nice, neat little map that
(21:02):
we'll be able to refer back to.
And you know, mark littlepoints.
Oh, we went here on the journeyand there and there and there,
and it was all better.
Now look at me, here's my life.
It looks so great and feelslike this and smile, smile,
smile.
And you know, unicorn farts orwhatever.
I just heard someone say unicornbutt plugs and I was like yeah,
see better.
(21:23):
But we subtract and pull thingsapart to look at them, to have
some understanding, to practicethat curiosity, certainly to
practice the compassion oflooking at a falling apart self
and bear in our fractures andour cracks that maybe we've
(21:48):
spent a lifetime either ignoringor resisting or trying to patch
up, but really Lettingourselves be soft and even
sensual with what could beconsidered the ugly, the
(22:12):
undesirable.
And if we only ever do thefalling apart work to like put
ourselves back together nocracks, no faults then we have
lost the plot.
No cracks, no faults then wehave lost the plot.
We take on the suffering of theworld as our own personal thing
to alleviate, then we have lostthe plot.
(22:34):
If we think it's our job tosave anyone, I think we've also
lost the plot if we think we canjust bypass, shrug our
shoulders and be like, well,everything happens for a reason,
don't really have to worryabout that, or be engaged in the
world in any sort of way.
And I also think lost the plot.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
Oh hi, it's me Janet.
Did you know that if you leavea five-star rating and a review
on Apple Podcasts, you'll beentered in a monthly drawing for
a free coaching session withDana?
Speaker 2 (23:09):
God you bitch.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Seriously, I'm so serious.
Just leave five stars and awritten review.
Then send Dana an email withthe title Easy peasy, lemon
squeezy.
Details are in the show notesbelow.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
I hope in this season , in this season of our lives,
or what Ryan and I are callingin our house the texture of life
at the moment, but also theseason of crying in my jacuzzi,
has served you, held, you,offered you a little something
that was maybe sweet or maybebitter, salty, crunchy, crunch,
(23:49):
crunch crunch, delicious,disgusting, maybe all of those
together like a jello mold fullof things you didn't even know.
That's my hope, that's my greatdesire, my great design, and I
(24:10):
did it with you.
We did this together.
We are still doing thistogether.
We are definitely falling apart, together To come together,
forging ahead, braving forwardWith our good friends,
compassion.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Hello, I love you so much.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
And Curiosity and Courage.
Bon courage à tous and Connieand of course, Robot co-host
Alex.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
It's great to be back .
I missed you all.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Robot producer and new co-host, janet.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
Oh hi.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
It's me, janet Advice Dom.
Of course, the librarian, hello, hello.
Guardian of the magical library, the effervescent Rose
Blakelock, who makes all mycrying in my jacuzzi dreams come
(25:15):
true.
Thank you to this amazing team.
Oh, I also want to thank my cat, baby honey biscuits, for
always rubbing up against themic at the most inconvenient
times, and my beloved husband,ryan Schneider, who is such an
incredible support, and so manyof my dear friends and family
(25:39):
for always loving me through theprocess and in my messy falling
apart-ness and taking newshapes.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
And Um, hey, Dana, before we wrap this up, could we
do something here all together?
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
What's up, janet?
Well, curiosity.
Connie and I were thinking itwould be so fun to do a last
plant fondle of the season withall the crybabies here together
well love that idea.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
yes, let's do it now with this fun, new, prompt and
wonderful idea to wrap our timetogether for this episode and
end this season and perhaps abeautiful support for this
(26:31):
eclipse season.
Let's go for a little plantfondle, walk and and maybe
you're not in a place where youare out walking around, if you
are, and you can go wander outinto some space relatively
nearby, or even a house plant.
Maybe there's some littlegrassy bits growing up through
(26:56):
the crack in the sidewalkoutside of where you live.
None of it matters.
All matter.
Well, it all matters.
All matter has agency, but itdoesn't matter.
Let's practice with whatever ishere and around you.
And if you can't do this rightnow, perhaps consider returning
(27:16):
to this later.
So I'll talk for a moment here,giving you some reminders as to
why we practice.
And while I do this, go findyourself, go wander, find
yourself a plant friend.
We do this.
We fondle, we plant, fondle toground, to connect to practice
(27:37):
relating to honor the agentialnature of all matter of all
beings, the agential nature ofall matter of all beings, to
right-size ourselves as humans.
We often think we're the mostimportant game in town and I'm
going to suggest that thispractice here might allow you
some space to breathe and toreshape perhaps an outsized
(28:03):
notion of your own importance.
Speaker 3 (28:05):
We also plant fondle to release our grip on fixing
and pathologizing, always tryingto problem solve.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
Oh, yeah, damn it.
That's one of my favorite partsof plant fondling too.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
So perhaps you've now found your plant friend and
just consider first, regardingthe plant, letting it regard you
I got to take care of that andyou go maybe into fixing mode.
(28:46):
Just take a breath and noticeif that's maybe where the
relationship is asking for someattention right now.
That's what the connection iscalling for.
That may be correct.
It may be about caring for thisplant, but it may also just be
about sitting with it and beingregarded by it, to be in
connection with it, withoutpruning or fixing.
(29:09):
So just let yourself notice howthat feels.
Maybe even do a little pruningfirst and then sort of let that
part go and then be inrelationship with or the other
way around.
But look at this plant, listento it, and that may be listening
(29:36):
with your heart, with your manysensory, multi-sensory,
intuitive nature.
That might also just be takingit in in whatever way feels
correct for you.
You're slowing down, knowingthat this is the most important
(30:02):
thing that you could be doingright now.
What?
Yes, reach out Gently, touchthe plant, notice texture,
texture, smell, feel, taste.
(30:30):
Smell, feel, taste.
See how it feels to be a littleplayful, see how it feels to
practice reverence.
Just rest for a moment withthis plant, whether you're still
gently touching or just sittingwith it.
Perhaps there's a message ithas for you, perhaps this is
(31:01):
just a nice moment for you totake a few deep breaths and feel
the earth beneath you.
Good, this is always a perfectpractice to return to.
You can do it ten times a day.
(31:23):
It always delivers, it alwaysserves.
Sometimes I'm just walking downthe street and it's like gentle
caress putting my hand up as Iwalk under a tree.
All sorts of flirty plant,great mother earth engagement
(31:47):
happening there.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Keep asking the big questions,keep falling apart, coming back
together in new, perhaps strange, maybe even somewhat
(32:09):
uncomfortable shapes, knowing itis always beautiful, it is
always just right.
You cannot do this wrong.
We over here at Crybaby HQadore you, love you.
(32:30):
We are always here fallingapart with you, holding you in
all the versions and shapes ofyour falling apart, of our
falling apart, because change isinevitable.
It is not something that justhappens to us, shaping us, we
(32:55):
shape it, we make it, we makeeach other, and we'll be back oh
so soon with season three andprobably some bits in between,
because you know we just can'tstay away.
Love you.
Free Palestine Crying in myjacuzzi.
(33:19):
If you enjoyed what we did heretoday, go over to wherever it
(33:40):
is that you are listening tothis podcast and give us a
rating as many stars.
Speaker 3 (33:48):
Five.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
As your heart desires .
Speaker 3 (33:51):
Five stars though.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Theme music and other musical bits by the very
talented Kat Otteson.
Sound design and editing by theeffervescent Rose Blakelock.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Effervescent rose blake lock.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I look forward to playing withyou more in my jacuzzi.
That sounded dirtier than Imeant it, but you know what I
(34:13):
mean.
Falling apart is hard work.
We exist in late-stagecapitalism in the Anthropocene,
so on some level it's allfalling apart Personally,
collectively, civilizationally,Messy, and it takes a commitment
to fall apart.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
That's too hard if it's too real.
Commitment to fall apart that'stoo hard if it's too real.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Socially, the commitment comes when we
collectively organize andculture shift and personally,
and the two go together.
It's deeply uncomfortable toallow the cracks to be felt and
(00:44):
we're taught to turn away fromthem, to fall apart only in ways
that keep us as good consumers.
But the invitation here is toturn towards the cracks, to turn
towards falling apart Hellocrack, hello fracture, hello
(01:06):
crack, hello fracture, helloabyss and to not just try to fix
, fix, fix, fix, fix.
Sew it all up, patch it allback together, put a little bow
on top.
We will not get to the next bigshift by trying to stay exactly
(01:28):
as we are.
We cannot get to there fromhere.
It is a risk to fall apart, tobe undone by our own lives, by
each other, by the world actingupon us as we act upon it, by
that relationship, to bedisoriented, to release the
(01:54):
control that comes with fallingapart.
And we remember that the riskis the price of creation.
There's a Japanese haiku fromthe 17th century that goes barns
burnt down.
Now I can see the moon Cryingin my jacuzzi, crying in my
(02:37):
jacuzzi, crying in my jacuzzi,crying in my jacuzzi.
(03:03):
The ups and flows of living,examined life.
We live life, love in theAnthropocene.
I was recently in class with thebeautiful Living Systems
community, led by my dear friend, leah Garza.
I'm a student, I'm a guestteacher and there was another
(03:23):
guest teacher who I havementioned before on this podcast
the post-humanist thinker,writer, philosopher, bayo
Okomolafe, and he's a poet and Ifeel like he turns everyone
into a poet or more encouragestowards more poetic thinking,
speaking, feeling, and theconversation of falling apart
(03:47):
had emerged and one of thethings that he said in this open
the conversation up to was thatfalling apart is a useful
technology and the idea there isthat it's a useful technology
if what we're trying to do ismove on from the old paradigms
(04:10):
based in colonialism, supremacy,oppression, suppression,
separation, and into a new, butmaybe also ancient, experience
of deep relationality andconnection.
That falling apart can make usin relation to the old paradigm,
(04:33):
make us useless, and that if weare useless in relationship to
dominant culture, then we arenot useful, as he said, not
useful for the plantation, notuseful to the plantation.
So if we fall apart and leaninto that experience with agency
(04:58):
, with curiosity, withcompassion, and not go to fix
like not just constantly turningoutward to consume or extract,
fixing in some way shape or formfrom outside of ourselves I
(05:21):
mean in a consumer way, not in aconnective being in community
kind of way that we becomeuseless as juice, as fuel for
the dominant culture.
Oh, it's not cocaine, idiotwe're snorting time and so as
(05:44):
painful as falling apart can beand I I'm looking around and I'm
seeing more mass falling apartthan I have I've ever seen in my
short little 43.9 years yearsand I know that it is so scary
(06:05):
and so discombobulating andreshaping us from the inside out
and reshaping our connectionsand our relationships and our
roles and our responsibilities,the ways that we have understood
ourselves as responsible toeach other, even the people we
will never know and never meet.
(06:27):
That we've only been able to seethat looking at Gaza, looking
at the Palestinian people as anexample that are falling apart,
are asking big questions, arelook collectively and personally
, looking at the systems ofoppression that have been in
(06:50):
place for a very long time andare now right in our faces,
right because we pick up thephone, we open whatever app and
there it is, in a way that hasnever been before and our bodies
are trying to process thatinformation and a level of
information just amount-wise andcontent-wise, that we have
(07:16):
never experienced as a human,collective experience.
It's never happened like thisbefore.
Hello, stranger, this is myfirst time here.
As fucked up and problematic asit all definitely feels, I want
to shine a light on the utility, the usefulness of falling
(07:39):
apart that the heartbreak whichwe've talked so much about here,
that the heartbreak which we'vetalked so much about here, has
in some ways severed ourunconscious connection, our
unconscious ties, grip necessityof these dominant, violent
(08:01):
paradigms and there are so manyways in which we can actually
resist this falling apart.
You can't make me Because we'vebeen taught that it's scary,
that it's wrong, that we'llnever get out of it.
We'll only just keep fallingapart more and more and more
until we dissolve and stopexisting in so scary existential
(08:22):
dread and terror.
I get it, I do, and in my 13years as a coach I've seen lots
of that fear and I've seen lotsof people turn towards the
falling apart, which can lookvery different for different
people when we confront orbecome conscious of those fears
(08:44):
and allow ourselves in our ownways and in my case, being a
guide with others, so with someguidance to fall apart and then
just notice how we want to putthings back together really fast
and make it a nice neat littlepackage or want to integrate the
(09:05):
new information that was alittle messy, like back into the
system and like, okay, well,that was really interesting, let
me put it back in here and letme have all of my pieces
together again.
Right, and there's comfort inthat and, like you've heard me
say, comfort and security reallygetting conflated.
There's risk to falling apart.
(09:26):
There's risk in being lessuseful to the systems.
There's risk in not goingimmediately to fixing or
integrating framework it's allgot to be integrated which
(09:54):
sometimes I feel like is anotherway in which we are just trying
to hustle things along and tieup all of our loose ends back
into something that looks andfeels a little cuter, cleaner,
purer.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Less messy emotionally.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
And I'm not here to demonize or even judge any of
that.
If you're doing that or youfind yourself doing that, I find
myself doing it.
That's when we bring in thatawareness and compassion and
acceptance, curiosity, and thensee if we can let a little more
go.
Pema Chodron writes, inWelcoming Uncertainty, that life
(10:37):
always gives us everything weneed to open further.
Everything is always in process.
Every tree and leaf and bug onthe leaf and microbe on the bug
(11:08):
on leaf on the tree is alwayschanging.
Nothing is fixed, nothing isstatic.
We can call it impermanence, wecan call it so many things, and
we really don't have to bephysicists or mystics to know
this one, to understand this.
(11:32):
But that doesn't mean that wewon't resist it.
Because, as much as I love, theidea, the phrase, the feeling,
the resonance of everything isalways working out for me as a
focus of positive expectation,something to play with sometimes
.
But that does not mean thateverything is always going our
(11:56):
way right.
That's the paradox.
And so, even if things areunfolding for you in ways that
feel generative, nourishing,exciting, satisfying, that
(12:17):
doesn't mean that loss is notpart of it.
And if we can be with that, Ithink we can be pretty good with
falling apart.
I think that that might bereally an important key to
allowing surrendering.
(12:39):
I mean, I'm pretty sure youcan't surrender unless you are
willing to embrace some level ofimpermanence and transition and
loss, which also probably meansgrieving, which you know.
(13:00):
We learn how to grieve well sothat we can live well, so that
we can die well, so that we canlive well so that we can die
well.
But if you weren't trying sohard to hold your shit together,
keep yourself from fallingapart in whatever like small,
little, medium-sized, big way,you might imagine, it Could be
(13:22):
just letting yourself feel yourfeelings.
Letting yourself let some ragepoke through Could be letting go
of your feelings.
Letting yourself let some ragepoke through Could be letting go
of a relationship.
It could be having the courageor giving yourself permission to
not want something that you'vebuilt because it feels so
uncertain.
And we get caught in sort ofthis sunk cost loop of like,
(13:46):
well, I put so much time intothis so far and and I can't just
get out of it because then Iwill have lost so much, so we
just keep investing more ofourselves into something, into
some way of being, into someperson in relationships, some
idea, some trajectory, becausewe're afraid to lose.
(14:07):
Well, I promise you, you arelosing anyway.
So are you going to lose inservice of staying the same?
Are you going to loseexperience?
A loss in service of change,shift, transformation.
(14:28):
Loss is going to happen eitherway.
Discomfort's going to happeneither way.
Destabilization and all thefeelings that come along with
that and all the old patternsit's going to happen either way.
This is often why people come towork with me is because they
know something's afoot and theywant to call it in.
Or it's right at their door, orthey're in the middle of it and
(14:52):
and they want to they want tofigure out how they can move
through it and be in service ofthe transformation.
But all the uncertainty anddiscomfort and destabilization
and fear and all the things thatare also there with that.
But they're there becausethey're all of those, those,
those greatest hits right, thoselimiting patterns, limiting
(15:15):
beliefs, emotions, sensations,coping mechanisms, survival
strategies, nervous systemactivation all of that is there
If you are moving in service, incuriosity, in willingness
towards the falling apart,towards the change, because they
(15:37):
are there.
All those things are there toprotect you from things that
feel and you perceive as painfulor scary.
So they're really there to letyou know that you are on the
precipice.
So, if they are there, you areon the precipice and it will be
scary.
(15:57):
Yes, there will be blood, butthe work isn't to get away from
the fear, though.
You will try to do that.
I try to do that.
It's just baked right into us.
So there's nothing wrong withyou for doing it, but keep
turning towards it.
Just a little curiosity, just alittle compassion for yourself.
(16:21):
Just a little willingness, justa little courage to take the
next step, we fall apart.
It all falls apart little bylittle, then all of a sudden
change so we can just see thenext little little phase.
(16:43):
Right, this is what I talk aboutwith my clients all the time.
It's like we can't see 10 milesout.
We can imagine, but we can'tactually see it.
Right, so we can intend it, butwe can't see all the steps
Right, we can't, we can't seethe whole thing, and so what we
can just do is is see, sort of,the next step.
The light will shine on it andwe take a, a step right into
(17:06):
that, into that lit space, andthen we can see what is next.
Right, we'll then illuminate,right, we can keep moving in
that way.
That is different than what ourculture tells us Really like to
to welcome the new.
What is next?
New, what is next, what we'rebeginning to dream and imagine
(17:28):
together, not as a final processbut as an experience of
aliveness.
And then, you know, I thinkwe're in a time where we don't
know how to do it, but we'restarting to learn.
It's not even learning, it'slike we're creating something
(17:50):
that maybe doesn't even fullyexist yet.
But before something can exist,we do have to dream it, imagine
it.
But this is how we learngenerosity.
(18:26):
This is how we learn, step bystep, falling apart, being
useless but also useful in a newway, toward our own ability to
be with and welcome what is Alex.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
I'm back from vacation, but my voice is a
little run down from overdoingit.
Have you ever tried to ziplinethrough the jungle?
It was exhilarating.
Janet, can you remind thecrybabies of the quote?
Speaker 3 (19:00):
from episode 1, season 1?
Oh sure, alex, welcome back.
I have not done a zipline, butnow I endeavor to yes the quote
from our first ever episode.
Welcome to my jacuzzi, have atranscendent hot dog.
What a fun moment that was Okay.
So the poet Alok said it'snever about making sense, it's
(19:24):
about making sensation, it'sabout what things make us feel.
In order for something to makesense, it has to pay allegiance
to an idea that already existed,and we want to make new ideas,
so we have to be speculative andexperimental.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Exactly, exactly.
So much of the time when I'mworking with someone and they
are falling apart, which is partof what we do Push the deaf
angle yeah, that's a greatselling point.
Again, we can do a little workto design it, but then we don't
(19:59):
have control over the wholeprocess.
We just consistently rememberand practice with our own agency
.
But so often it's a subtractiveprocess and a subtractive
process without a defined endpoint.
(20:20):
We were tuning into vision andwe're calling in some new
thoughts and ultimately,thoughts to practice, with
(20:41):
resonance and resonant feelingand emotion and sensation
falling apart.
Work is to cultivate thepractice of gazing into the
abyss, into our own abyss, andnot trying to tie it all up with
a cute little bow and createsome nice, neat little map that
(21:02):
we'll be able to refer back to.
And you know, mark littlepoints.
Oh, we went here on the journeyand there and there and there,
and it was all better.
Now look at me, here's my life.
It looks so great and feelslike this and smile, smile,
smile.
And you know, unicorn farts orwhatever.
I just heard someone say unicornbutt plugs and I was like yeah,
see better.
(21:23):
But we subtract and pull thingsapart to look at them, to have
some understanding, to practicethat curiosity, certainly to
practice the compassion oflooking at a falling apart self
and bear in our fractures andour cracks that maybe we've
(21:48):
spent a lifetime either ignoringor resisting or trying to patch
up, but really Lettingourselves be soft and even
sensual with what could beconsidered the ugly, the
(22:12):
undesirable.
And if we only ever do thefalling apart work to like put
ourselves back together nocracks, no faults then we have
lost the plot.
No cracks, no faults then wehave lost the plot.
We take on the suffering of theworld as our own personal thing
to alleviate, then we have lostthe plot.
(22:34):
If we think it's our job tosave anyone, I think we've also
lost the plot if we think we canjust bypass, shrug our
shoulders and be like, well,everything happens for a reason,
don't really have to worryabout that, or be engaged in the
world in any sort of way.
And I also think lost the plot.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
Oh hi, it's me Janet.
Did you know that if you leavea five-star rating and a review
on Apple Podcasts, you'll beentered in a monthly drawing for
a free coaching session withDana?
Speaker 2 (23:09):
God you bitch.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Seriously, I'm so serious.
Just leave five stars and awritten review.
Then send Dana an email withthe title Easy peasy, lemon
squeezy.
Details are in the show notesbelow.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
I hope in this season , in this season of our lives,
or what Ryan and I are callingin our house the texture of life
at the moment, but also theseason of crying in my jacuzzi,
has served you, held, you,offered you a little something
that was maybe sweet or maybebitter, salty, crunchy, crunch,
(23:49):
crunch crunch, delicious,disgusting, maybe all of those
together like a jello mold fullof things you didn't even know.
That's my hope, that's my greatdesire, my great design, and I
(24:10):
did it with you.
We did this together.
We are still doing thistogether.
We are definitely falling apart, together To come together,
forging ahead, braving forwardWith our good friends,
compassion.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Hello, I love you so much.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
And Curiosity and Courage.
Bon courage à tous and Connieand of course, Robot co-host
Alex.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
It's great to be back .
I missed you all.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Robot producer and new co-host, janet.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
Oh hi.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
It's me, janet Advice Dom.
Of course, the librarian, hello, hello.
Guardian of the magical library, the effervescent Rose
Blakelock, who makes all mycrying in my jacuzzi dreams come
(25:15):
true.
Thank you to this amazing team.
Oh, I also want to thank my cat, baby honey biscuits, for
always rubbing up against themic at the most inconvenient
times, and my beloved husband,ryan Schneider, who is such an
incredible support, and so manyof my dear friends and family
(25:39):
for always loving me through theprocess and in my messy falling
apart-ness and taking newshapes.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
And Um, hey, Dana, before we wrap this up, could we
do something here all together?
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
What's up, janet?
Well, curiosity.
Connie and I were thinking itwould be so fun to do a last
plant fondle of the season withall the crybabies here together
well love that idea.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
yes, let's do it now with this fun, new, prompt and
wonderful idea to wrap our timetogether for this episode and
end this season and perhaps abeautiful support for this
(26:31):
eclipse season.
Let's go for a little plantfondle, walk and and maybe
you're not in a place where youare out walking around, if you
are, and you can go wander outinto some space relatively
nearby, or even a house plant.
Maybe there's some littlegrassy bits growing up through
(26:56):
the crack in the sidewalkoutside of where you live.
None of it matters.
All matter.
Well, it all matters.
All matter has agency, but itdoesn't matter.
Let's practice with whatever ishere and around you.
And if you can't do this rightnow, perhaps consider returning
(27:16):
to this later.
So I'll talk for a moment here,giving you some reminders as to
why we practice.
And while I do this, go findyourself, go wander, find
yourself a plant friend.
We do this.
We fondle, we plant, fondle toground, to connect to practice
(27:37):
relating to honor the agentialnature of all matter of all
beings, the agential nature ofall matter of all beings, to
right-size ourselves as humans.
We often think we're the mostimportant game in town and I'm
going to suggest that thispractice here might allow you
some space to breathe and toreshape perhaps an outsized
(28:03):
notion of your own importance.
Speaker 3 (28:05):
We also plant fondle to release our grip on fixing
and pathologizing, always tryingto problem solve.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
Oh, yeah, damn it.
That's one of my favorite partsof plant fondling too.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
So perhaps you've now found your plant friend and
just consider first, regardingthe plant, letting it regard you
I got to take care of that andyou go maybe into fixing mode.
(28:46):
Just take a breath and noticeif that's maybe where the
relationship is asking for someattention right now.
That's what the connection iscalling for.
That may be correct.
It may be about caring for thisplant, but it may also just be
about sitting with it and beingregarded by it, to be in
connection with it, withoutpruning or fixing.
(29:09):
So just let yourself notice howthat feels.
Maybe even do a little pruningfirst and then sort of let that
part go and then be inrelationship with or the other
way around.
But look at this plant, listento it, and that may be listening
(29:36):
with your heart, with your manysensory, multi-sensory,
intuitive nature.
That might also just be takingit in in whatever way feels
correct for you.
You're slowing down, knowingthat this is the most important
(30:02):
thing that you could be doingright now.
What?
Yes, reach out Gently, touchthe plant, notice texture,
texture, smell, feel, taste.
(30:30):
Smell, feel, taste.
See how it feels to be a littleplayful, see how it feels to
practice reverence.
Just rest for a moment withthis plant, whether you're still
gently touching or just sittingwith it.
Perhaps there's a message ithas for you, perhaps this is
(31:01):
just a nice moment for you totake a few deep breaths and feel
the earth beneath you.
Good, this is always a perfectpractice to return to.
You can do it ten times a day.
(31:23):
It always delivers, it alwaysserves.
Sometimes I'm just walking downthe street and it's like gentle
caress putting my hand up as Iwalk under a tree.
All sorts of flirty plant,great mother earth engagement
(31:47):
happening there.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Keep asking the big questions,keep falling apart, coming back
together in new, perhaps strange, maybe even somewhat
(32:09):
uncomfortable shapes, knowing itis always beautiful, it is
always just right.
You cannot do this wrong.
We over here at Crybaby HQadore you, love you.
(32:30):
We are always here fallingapart with you, holding you in
all the versions and shapes ofyour falling apart, of our
falling apart, because change isinevitable.
It is not something that justhappens to us, shaping us, we
(32:55):
shape it, we make it, we makeeach other, and we'll be back oh
so soon with season three andprobably some bits in between,
because you know we just can'tstay away.
Love you.
Free Palestine Crying in myjacuzzi.
(33:19):
If you enjoyed what we did heretoday, go over to wherever it
(33:40):
is that you are listening tothis podcast and give us a
rating as many stars.
Speaker 3 (33:48):
Five.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
As your heart desires .
Speaker 3 (33:51):
Five stars though.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Theme music and other musical bits by the very
talented Kat Otteson.
Sound design and editing by theeffervescent Rose Blakelock.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Effervescent rose blake lock.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I look forward to playing withyou more in my jacuzzi.
That sounded dirtier than Imeant it, but you know what I
(34:13):
mean.
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