June 21, 2024 • 31 mins
who really belongs in your support system? maybe not everyone who's there right now!! in this episode, we'll peel back layers and layers of your relationship to your relationships, explore what might be holding you in old patterns and feeeeel into support in our own miraculous bodies with some gentle somatic resonance practices! big work, tenderly.
we get bewildered, dance with the necessity of self-warmth and true understanding, expand into the pluriverse, and look at how the whole wide world can be your mommy (it'll make more sense-ation when you get to that part).
tune in to soak up the warmth and resonance that this episode offers + get hydrated with the world's first SUPPORT SYSTEM DRINKING GAME™ hosted by our beloved robot cohost alex and robot producer janet.
~ show notes ~
use the interwebs to find:
- sarah peyton's "your resonant self workbook"
- want to dive deeper into pluriversality and decolonial ontologies? > arturo escobar's "designs for the pluriverse" + the effervescent leah garza and her living systems course & akashic mentorship (10/10 recommend)
- rha goddess and move the crowd entrepreneurial training (+ we got issues book)
- enter to win a free coaching session ~ when you leave a 5-star rating (only) and a written review, you'll be entered into a monthly drawing for a free 90-min coaching session with dana (value of $388). DM (@danablix instagram) or email a screenshot of your submission—take it right before you hit submit—along with the review name/title. winner announcements will be made across platforms!
/// sound-editing/design ~ rose blakelock, theme song ~ kat ottosen, cover art ~ natalee miller ///
@danablix on ig 😭 feeling the pull for coaching support? go to danabalicki.com for inner/outer transformation 🖐️⭐️ leave a 5-star rating & review to be entered in a monthly raffle for a free coaching session (details in show notes) 🎁 share this with your favorite boo-hooer 😭
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm going to say something radical to some.
Obvious to others.
Radically obvious, obviouslyradical.
Okay, here it goes.
Not everyone who is in yoursupport system deserves to be
there, what, what Ha.
Let me say it again Not everyonewho is in your support system,
(00:22):
who you consider to be a part ofyour support system, deserves
to be there or maybe everdeserve to be there in the first
place.
So if hearing me say thatshakabat buzzed something inside
of you in some way, on somelevel, then stick around crybaby
, because we are going to diveinto all sorts of things support
(00:48):
system related and maybe you'llget just what you need for
where you are in your life,where you're going, who you're
becoming because who yousurround yourself with matters.
So so much Crying in my jacuzzi.
Crying in my jacuzzi.
(01:44):
Welcome back to another episodeof Cry in my jacuzzi.
It is my great honor to be here, to perhaps be a part of your
support system in some way,shape or form.
Obviously, today, our topic ofexploration and inquiry and
compassioning always, always,always and curiosity is about
(02:05):
support system.
And yes, if you wanted to playa drinking game with how many
times I say support system,you'd be a little wrecked by the
end of this episode.
So just pull out your shotglass of water and just get
extra hydrated.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
You are about to get real lured up by support system
Drink.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
So I want to start off with a little experiment.
I'm going to say the wordssupport system three times.
I'm going to say it slowly.
Give you a little time inbetween each experience of the
word so that you can feel intoyour body, notice how you
(02:49):
respond when I say the words.
Just a gentle noticing, that'sit.
So take a few deep breaths toslow down.
Invite our dear friend, slowDown, medicine again, part of
all of our support systems,should you choose to receive it.
Good, okay, here we go.
(03:11):
Support system, support system,support system.
So you're just noticing.
Did you feel some expansion inyour body?
Maybe some contraction, maybesome tingling, maybe some
(03:33):
numbing, anything at all?
There's no possibility of doingthis wrong, because what we
just did there was we took atiny little somatic snapshot of
your relationship to beingsupported.
So still just take a moment,notice how you felt, how you're
(03:55):
feeling, just letting whateversensations, emotions,
information moved through you,acknowledging it, allowing it to
be there.
Even that can be a profound act,because you just asked a
question and answers were given.
You might not always like theanswers or like the
(04:16):
corresponding sensations to theanswers, which is why folks go
back again and again, askingover and over, hoping for
different answers, differentinformation, different feelings.
It's a thing that we do.
You also might not know how tolisten to or trust what you felt
.
These are all practices For now.
(04:38):
On the simplest level, you cannotice if you felt that
expansion or a contraction.
Those sensations can be subtle,some of them can be a little
more overt than others, but afeeling of expansion that might
have shown up in different waysfor you Spaciousness, or maybe a
(05:01):
little softness.
Maybe you felt like you justtook up a little more room
around you.
You felt the depth and width ofyou shift a bit, or you just
felt more attentive to it, morepresent.
That might let you know thatyour relationship to support
system, like, has some balance,some grounding, in some way
(05:24):
feels good for you, and acontraction might be letting you
know that there's something topay attention to.
There might be a part of youasking for some attention when
it comes to your support system.
Drink.
So we welcome all streams ofinformation here.
(05:45):
All emotions are information.
They all have value.
They move through our bodies,our sense, consciousness.
We don't have to understandevery tingle, every sensation,
but we can start to turn towardsthem and honor that they're
there, build relationship withourselves so that we can be more
(06:10):
in connection with ouremotional body right through
somatic experience.
And maybe you come back to thatlittle exercise again later.
Maybe you've come back to it abunch of times.
You might want to let yourselfsimmer in it a bit.
So let's peel back a few layers.
(06:31):
That may help you inunderstanding and integrating
that answer, that informationyou receive.
The good news or I'm just goingto say neutral news, it's just
news is that your relationshipto support system, drink, your
support system, can change.
It has over your life.
It will continue to because youare changing, you're becoming
(06:55):
more of yourself and yoursupport system can keep evolving
with you.
But it takes some consciousattention to the relationships
and maybe less obviously to yourrelationship to your support
system.
Drink.
It's not just about the people,or maybe the animals or the
(07:16):
plants or other sentient beings.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
Hello.
Pluriversality, the many worldswithin one world, relationships
with rocks Communing withplants.
Welcome to the pluriverse, adecolonial ontology that honors
the oh so many different worldswithin this one.
I live here too.
One of my dearest friends is aquantum worm.
(07:41):
Humanity is a little overratedif I'm being honest.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
We might veer towards anthropocentrism at certain
points, but I just want to namethat.
That is not the only frameworkwe're working with here.
I mean, when folks come to mefor support with a business they
want to grow or the vision theywant to breathe life into,
which is why people come to meand work with me, we have to
(08:10):
look at the relationship to theaspects of whatever it is
they're investigating, whateverit is they want to dig into, and
examining the relationship tothe thing is often more
important than the thing itself,is often more important than
the thing itself, because if youfocus just on the end result,
it can be easy to lose the plot,to lose that big picture, and
(08:31):
this is why we go layers deeperand focus on the relationship.
Otherwise we're kind of justrearranging the furniture.
I'm a furniture.
Look, people often haveoutdated support systems.
Drink.
This is common.
It's not just you, it wasn'tjust me.
They're consistently, andmostly unconsciously, trying to
(08:53):
make those old systems fit theircurrent versions of themselves.
People that may have beenaround in their lives forever,
family members, ah yes, theseare all the people that have
been in my life and a part of mysystem for so long, since
forever, since I was a tinyperson and now I'm a grown-up,
and obviously all these peopleshould still be right here.
Yeah, it's a little bit of anoverstatement, but honestly it
(09:14):
feels kind of accurate to whatI've seen Trying to make that
old system fit their lives asthey continue to grow and change
, without realizing that whatthey're doing is going to an
orange tree for apples.
We all do this and we wonderwhy we don't feel supported,
seen, heard, understood, loved,accepted in the ways that we
(09:37):
most desire.
And sometimes, as we're growingand changing the people oh,
this is key.
Okay, listen up, kiddos.
And changing the people oh,this is key.
Okay, listen up, kiddos.
I really needed this lesson along time ago and I think about
it a lot still.
Sometimes as we're growing andchanging the people in our lives
, in our support system drinkmight really be invested in us
(09:59):
staying the same, in notchanging us for a whole mess of
reasons could be conscious andunconscious, usually both.
So as you reflect here, asyou're reflecting on your own
support system, drink it can behelpful to notice if maybe
that's happening with somepeople.
Maybe there are some folks thatyou've just kept close, you keep
(10:25):
turning to, and they're notactually supportive of you, like
of where you're trying to growinto.
They have their own projectionsabout how you should be designs
, how you need to be, what youneed to be doing.
It doesn't mean that there'snot useful information from our
loved ones, but it's also worthnoticing if those folks might be
(10:47):
invested in you staying thesame, that inner circle.
Some of them might need to bebumped to the outfield for a
while.
Maybe they need to be benched.
Be your own head coach.
You are your own best guide.
Be your own Ted Lasso Ooh, evenbetter.
Be your own Rebecca lasso, evenbetter.
(11:12):
Be your own rebecca fuckingwelton, I love her.
Give yourself permission tomove your players around, to
trade them to the b team, totrade them to another team, even
if just for a bit.
While you consider your owndesires, make some some space
for you.
Speaker 4 (11:23):
You're fired because I'm the owner now and I don't
like you.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Okay.
So that Rebecca Welton quote isa little intense and if you've
ever watched Ted Lasso, you knowthat part of Rebecca's power is
also great warmth.
And I would say the whole showis model of warmth and resonance
(11:50):
.
And resonance maybe you'veheard me say this before it's
not the same as reassurance,it's not just like, oh, things
are going to be okay, just keeptrying and hey, it's fine, pat
on the back, it's not coddling,it's I understand you, I see you
, I hear you, I'm with you.
(12:14):
It's accompaniment.
Like Baba Ramda says, we're alljust walking each other home and
we need resonant relationships.
We need warmth in ourrelationships to help us develop
the relational part of ourbrains, so relational and then
(12:37):
instrumental Left hemisphere,which is language, people,
useful mechanisms, useful tools,and the right hemisphere, more
of an experience of humans on asoul level.
And so the warm relationships,the resonant relationships,
allow for that co-regulation,all those little neurons in our
(13:01):
brains, to grow the ways thatthey're supposed to.
Otherwise, the relational partof our brains will starve.
Emotional chaos, emotionalchaos.
(13:21):
I really love the teacher, sarahPayton, who weaves together a
lot of healing experiences,resonance, warmth, the work
around warmth and self-warmthand neuroscience all together
and the reason I'm bringing itup here is because if our
caregivers, if the people in ourearliest versions of our
support system, if theirrelational brains were never
structured and we were, you know, just like any child is raised
(13:45):
just by that instrumental brainjust trying to survive, by
functioning through thatinstrumental approach, through
that instrumental approach,you're operating only with the
ability to zoom in, almost like.
(14:08):
You've heard me talk aboutproblem solving and
pathologizing and always tryingto fix and how that requires us
to be so, in some ways sosmall-minded and just like
looking at all of the differentproblems and pieces.
I talked about this in the SlowDown Medicine episode of season
one.
We can't zoom out just with theinstrumental approach, the
instrumental brain.
(14:29):
We have to learn, whether wewere taught it or not, because
we can learn whether we weretaught it or not to build
relationships with resonance andwith warmth.
Speaker 4 (14:50):
Oh hi, it's me, janet .
This isn't an ad, but over hereat Crybaby headquarters, we
have to stay hydrated with allthis crying, and Dana lives in
an area with 5% humidity, whichis sad.
All to say, we love a funhydration hack.
Currently, we're doing a mix ofcoconut water, aloe water and
some mystery powder that was inthe back of Dana's pantry.
Keep crying, because it meansyou're staying tender in this
world.
Good luck out there, crybabies.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Back in god 2008,.
Babies, back in God 2008,.
When I first was exposed to alot of this work that I teach
now.
I was in a group called we GotIssues, led by Ra Goddess, j
Love Calderon.
There was a group of about 15of us.
We worked together for over ayear, met up in person a bunch
(15:34):
of times, had a buddy system Imean, some of those humans are
still my closest humans and wedid this exercise on support
system where we all had papersand drew circles about like, oh,
who are the people that areclosest to us and do we have
(15:55):
support systems that are reallymeeting us in this growth period
, because it was all empowermentwork we were doing we were all
a bunch of artists and activists.
We had people, and I think weall maybe went into this
exercise thinking we had a lotmore integrity and depth in our
(16:16):
support systems.
Then I think we really did, andthat exploration exposed for a
lot of us that lack of resonance, that we had people in our
lives who cared for us and wecared for them, but when we
thought about who we werebecoming growing into the dreams
(16:40):
and visions that we had, did wehave people that were really
there to hold us with resonance,with warmth accompanying us
without judgment.
We were all sitting in that roomcrying.
It sounded like a pack of wilddogs.
We were just howling.
(17:02):
It was really something.
And look, we did a lot ofcrying together, but that stands
out in my memory as the mostintense crying that we all ever
did together, and it's becausewe were turning towards this
(17:23):
question right here of ourrelationship to our support
systems.
We were asking ourselves I'llspeak for myself I was asking
myself if I really felt met bythe people in my support system.
Had I communicated with themwhat I really wanted and needed
to be supported?
At that time in my life I don'tthink it had ever even occurred
(17:48):
to me to do that.
Like in a deeply honest way, Ithink I was going about my life,
living and hoping that thepeople in my life family and
friends would come along for theride or whatever was going on
on my ride.
(18:08):
Those were just the people thatI would turn to and be like
okay, well, I'm having a hardtime.
Like, hold me.
In a way, it's an aspect ofvictimhood, like that I was
willing to just take whateverwould be offered to me without
asking for what I wanted andwhat I needed, what I desired,
(18:29):
all the same thing.
So that was really a beginningof a radical permission-giving
practice that probably I meandefinitely continues to this day
, a couple years ago, when mypartner and I were struggling
(18:51):
and I went to him and I said Idon't think our relationship is
healthy, is working for us, andthat was so hard, and my mom was
coming to visit basically twodays after I'd really had this
huge breakthrough andrealization around it.
(19:12):
I talked about it last seasonand my husband actually had to
rush out of town because of adeath in the family and he was
back in Indiana.
My mom and my stepdad came outand I was in the kitchen of my
mom's little vacay rental and Ijust I looked at her and I said,
(19:35):
mom, I have to tell yousomething.
I don't, I don't know if, Idon't know if my marriage is
working out, like I don't knowif it's working anymore.
I was so scared and she justgot this really scared, look on
her face and kind of did a wholegasping thing and I just looked
(19:59):
at her and I said, mom, this ishow I need you to support me
right now.
I can't, I can't hold yourworry about this.
And, to her credit, she took aminute, took a beat, took a,
took a deep breath and didwhatever she needed to do
internally to just sort of holdher worry and then just showed
(20:20):
up for me in such a powerful way.
I will remember that deepresonance and warmth with my
mother for the rest of my life.
I know that part of it camefrom this now decade plus long
(21:03):
practice of thinking about whatI need and the kind of support I
need and then risking becauseit always feels risky.
It felt risky to say that to mymom in that moment because I
knew she was worried and I knewthat what I was saying was scary
.
But this practice of asking forthe support that I need and
(21:27):
then allowing people to show upDo they always?
No, probably not, but in myexperience at this point, more
often than not they do, and Isurround myself with people who
do, because they all also do alltheir own internal work.
And it's a really beautifulthing, my friends and community.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
My friends also do their own inner work Internal
processing.
Get it, they're robots withinternal processors.
Okay, never mind, carry on.
Speaker 4 (22:06):
Alex, I got the pun.
I thought it was quite clever,ha ha.
Speaker 3 (22:11):
Are you offering me warmth and resonance, janet, or
just reassurance me warmth andresonance?
Speaker 4 (22:16):
Janet, or just reassurance Hum.
I do like the idea of resonancebetween robots, but maybe a
little bit of both, if I'mhonest.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
Cool, cool, cool.
Speaker 4 (22:24):
Or warm, warm, warm Yikes sorry.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
All right, so let's ask a few questions here and you
can just let these kind of washover.
You see how they feel.
You might come back to some ofthese later.
So take a few breaths, Justtune in.
I know we're doing a lot ofthis today, but just roll with
it.
You're welcome.
(22:47):
So think about where you're atin your life.
Just take a few breaths, whatyou're trying to call in and
what do you really need in asupport system?
Drink, and I suggest that youdon't just think about what you
(23:13):
feel you can get from the peoplethat are already around you.
Don't let that dictate yourneeds, wants, desires your
vision.
This is not how we get to vision.
It's not how we call new thingsin.
What are your beliefs aboutbeing supported?
What, yes, you might need tostart with this one?
What are your beliefs aboutbeing supported?
Speaker 3 (23:33):
I believe in belief.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
Do you believe and we might be touching on a little
shadow here so if you're feelinga little resistance, that's
okay.
Just let the resistance bethere.
It's going to give you someinformation.
Do you believe that otherpeople get to be supported but
you don't?
Do you believe you have toperform a certain way in order
(23:57):
to be supported?
Do you believe that you don'tactually need to be supported?
When we're not supported byothers, our resources deplete
more quickly.
This causes a disruption in ourlives.
It's harder to bond, to problemsolve, to direct your attention
(24:18):
, to think, to plan.
So get that.
Life without relationship isactually more metabolically
expensive than sharing ouremotions.
I love that.
Metabolically expensive.
I'm going to say the wholething again Life without
relationship is moremetabolically expensive than
(24:41):
sharing our emotions.
So you might notice that insidesome of those questions there
may be a feeling of judgmenttowards yourself or a lack of
warmth.
Throughout our lifetime, wehave the capacity to grow the
neurons that allow us to keepturning toward the self with
(25:05):
that warmth, with thatunderstanding, that resonance,
with that affection, with thatresonance, with that affection
Whether it's Sarah Payton orDana Balicki or their therapists
or friends, books, courses,that sometimes we need to
identify what Sarah calls warmothers.
I really love that Warm otherswho can hold things with us as
(25:31):
we are doing our own work alongthe way.
What I was sharing with youabout the story with my mom,
that took honestly a lot of workto be able to hold myself being
so scared and having perhapssome shame and some, you know, a
(25:51):
whole slew of emotions come up,to be able to hold myself in
that and then also ask for thesupport that I needed.
And that's a beautiful thingabout support system is that as
we experience that accompaniment, being understood, that
resonance with others, even hereright now, we're doing it right
(26:15):
.
You might be hearing myexperiences and being like ah,
yes, oh, I feel so seen andunderstood and oh, wow, and you
know we're doing somethingtogether here.
We're actually growing newneural connections Right now.
That could be happening for you.
New neural connections can bemade at any time, reaching from
(26:42):
the front of our brain, thefront of our noodle, the
prefrontal cortex, way, way, waydeep inside to the amygdala
cortex, way, way, way deepinside to the amygdala, and then
that the oh, your brain is yourown little built-in support
system drink.
Because that prefrontal cortexcan hold our emotions.
(27:05):
It can, it can.
It can separate, differentiateitself from the emotional part
of the brain and the amygdalaand hold our emotions with
understanding, which links intothat resonance circuitry, that
warmth circuitry that we alreadyhave.
(27:26):
That's usually going outwardand can go inward.
That's usually going outwardand can go inward.
In a lot of Sarah's work.
I've heard her quote this Everycell in your prefrontal cortex
carries the signature of thepresence or absence of your
mother.
86 billion cells in the humanbrain, the PFC, about one third,
(27:55):
though we have about 29 billioncells that carry the presence
or absence of our mother.
Wow, what?
Which also means that all thestuff I'm talking about here,
it's like if our own caregivers,the people who took care of us,
are our essential caregivers,if they didn't get deeply cared
(28:17):
for, deeply nurtured andlearning those nurturing skills
to take care of us with warmth.
If they didn't get that, youcan just imagine what we may be
inheriting and then living withand passing down.
(28:37):
So all those billions of cells,tens of billions of cells, if
they didn't get warmth, there'swhat Sarah calls a cellular
bewilderment, fundamentalcellular bewilderment,
fundamental cellularbewilderment.
And that disorientation canchange over time, it is not
(28:58):
fixed.
That is why I'm making thispodcast as part of your support
system, as a place of warmththat you can turn to, that can
also support you in your ownself-warmth, that can lovingly
hold all of those bewilderedcells or I mean maybe not all of
(29:20):
them, but at least some of themto create an experience of
resonance, a moment of grace, amoment where you might just feel
understood and accompanied, andto know what that feels like in
your body and to keep orientingtowards it, to keep practicing
(29:44):
it, to ask for it from yourpeople, to give it to yourself,
to your people, and not justpeople.
You can be accompanied byanimals, by the earth, by the
moon, by the stars, by trees, byall spirits, by seen and unseen
(30:08):
guides.
And just soak it up with thatlittle PFC and just soak it up.
Let that little PFC soak it up.
Let the trees be your mommies,let the clouds be your mommies,
be your own mommy.
Speaker 3 (30:24):
I am definitely my own mommy.
Speaker 4 (30:26):
But who's your daddy Crying in my jacuzzi?
Speaker 1 (30:37):
Crying in my jacuzzi.
If you enjoyed what we did heretoday, go over to wherever it
is that you are listening tothis podcast and give us a
rating as many stars as yourheart desires Theme music and
(31:02):
other musical bits by the verytalented Kat Otteson.
Sound design and editing by theeffervescent Rose Blakelock.
Thank you, designed and editingby the effervescent Rose
Blakelock.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I look forward to playing withyou more in my jacuzzi.
That sounded dirtier than Imeant it, but you know what I
(31:22):
mean.
I'm going to say something radical to some.
Obvious to others.
Radically obvious, obviouslyradical.
Okay, here it goes.
Not everyone who is in yoursupport system deserves to be
there, what, what Ha.
Let me say it again Not everyonewho is in your support system,
(00:22):
who you consider to be a part ofyour support system, deserves
to be there or maybe everdeserve to be there in the first
place.
So if hearing me say thatshakabat buzzed something inside
of you in some way, on somelevel, then stick around crybaby
, because we are going to diveinto all sorts of things support
(00:48):
system related and maybe you'llget just what you need for
where you are in your life,where you're going, who you're
becoming because who yousurround yourself with matters.
So so much Crying in my jacuzzi.
Crying in my jacuzzi.
(01:44):
Welcome back to another episodeof Cry in my jacuzzi.
It is my great honor to be here, to perhaps be a part of your
support system in some way,shape or form.
Obviously, today, our topic ofexploration and inquiry and
compassioning always, always,always and curiosity is about
(02:05):
support system.
And yes, if you wanted to playa drinking game with how many
times I say support system,you'd be a little wrecked by the
end of this episode.
So just pull out your shotglass of water and just get
extra hydrated.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
You are about to get real lured up by support system
Drink.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
So I want to start off with a little experiment.
I'm going to say the wordssupport system three times.
I'm going to say it slowly.
Give you a little time inbetween each experience of the
word so that you can feel intoyour body, notice how you
(02:49):
respond when I say the words.
Just a gentle noticing, that'sit.
So take a few deep breaths toslow down.
Invite our dear friend, slowDown, medicine again, part of
all of our support systems,should you choose to receive it.
Good, okay, here we go.
(03:11):
Support system, support system,support system.
So you're just noticing.
Did you feel some expansion inyour body?
Maybe some contraction, maybesome tingling, maybe some
(03:33):
numbing, anything at all?
There's no possibility of doingthis wrong, because what we
just did there was we took atiny little somatic snapshot of
your relationship to beingsupported.
So still just take a moment,notice how you felt, how you're
(03:55):
feeling, just letting whateversensations, emotions,
information moved through you,acknowledging it, allowing it to
be there.
Even that can be a profound act,because you just asked a
question and answers were given.
You might not always like theanswers or like the
(04:16):
corresponding sensations to theanswers, which is why folks go
back again and again, askingover and over, hoping for
different answers, differentinformation, different feelings.
It's a thing that we do.
You also might not know how tolisten to or trust what you felt
.
These are all practices For now.
(04:38):
On the simplest level, you cannotice if you felt that
expansion or a contraction.
Those sensations can be subtle,some of them can be a little
more overt than others, but afeeling of expansion that might
have shown up in different waysfor you Spaciousness, or maybe a
(05:01):
little softness.
Maybe you felt like you justtook up a little more room
around you.
You felt the depth and width ofyou shift a bit, or you just
felt more attentive to it, morepresent.
That might let you know thatyour relationship to support
system, like, has some balance,some grounding, in some way
(05:24):
feels good for you, and acontraction might be letting you
know that there's something topay attention to.
There might be a part of youasking for some attention when
it comes to your support system.
Drink.
So we welcome all streams ofinformation here.
(05:45):
All emotions are information.
They all have value.
They move through our bodies,our sense, consciousness.
We don't have to understandevery tingle, every sensation,
but we can start to turn towardsthem and honor that they're
there, build relationship withourselves so that we can be more
(06:10):
in connection with ouremotional body right through
somatic experience.
And maybe you come back to thatlittle exercise again later.
Maybe you've come back to it abunch of times.
You might want to let yourselfsimmer in it a bit.
So let's peel back a few layers.
(06:31):
That may help you inunderstanding and integrating
that answer, that informationyou receive.
The good news or I'm just goingto say neutral news, it's just
news is that your relationshipto support system, drink, your
support system, can change.
It has over your life.
It will continue to because youare changing, you're becoming
(06:55):
more of yourself and yoursupport system can keep evolving
with you.
But it takes some consciousattention to the relationships
and maybe less obviously to yourrelationship to your support
system.
Drink.
It's not just about the people,or maybe the animals or the
(07:16):
plants or other sentient beings.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
Hello.
Pluriversality, the many worldswithin one world, relationships
with rocks Communing withplants.
Welcome to the pluriverse, adecolonial ontology that honors
the oh so many different worldswithin this one.
I live here too.
One of my dearest friends is aquantum worm.
(07:41):
Humanity is a little overratedif I'm being honest.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
We might veer towards anthropocentrism at certain
points, but I just want to namethat.
That is not the only frameworkwe're working with here.
I mean, when folks come to mefor support with a business they
want to grow or the vision theywant to breathe life into,
which is why people come to meand work with me, we have to
(08:10):
look at the relationship to theaspects of whatever it is
they're investigating, whateverit is they want to dig into, and
examining the relationship tothe thing is often more
important than the thing itself,is often more important than
the thing itself, because if youfocus just on the end result,
it can be easy to lose the plot,to lose that big picture, and
(08:31):
this is why we go layers deeperand focus on the relationship.
Otherwise we're kind of justrearranging the furniture.
I'm a furniture.
Look, people often haveoutdated support systems.
Drink.
This is common.
It's not just you, it wasn'tjust me.
They're consistently, andmostly unconsciously, trying to
(08:53):
make those old systems fit theircurrent versions of themselves.
People that may have beenaround in their lives forever,
family members, ah yes, theseare all the people that have
been in my life and a part of mysystem for so long, since
forever, since I was a tinyperson and now I'm a grown-up,
and obviously all these peopleshould still be right here.
Yeah, it's a little bit of anoverstatement, but honestly it
(09:14):
feels kind of accurate to whatI've seen Trying to make that
old system fit their lives asthey continue to grow and change
, without realizing that whatthey're doing is going to an
orange tree for apples.
We all do this and we wonderwhy we don't feel supported,
seen, heard, understood, loved,accepted in the ways that we
(09:37):
most desire.
And sometimes, as we're growingand changing the people oh,
this is key.
Okay, listen up, kiddos.
And changing the people oh,this is key.
Okay, listen up, kiddos.
I really needed this lesson along time ago and I think about
it a lot still.
Sometimes as we're growing andchanging the people in our lives
, in our support system drinkmight really be invested in us
(09:59):
staying the same, in notchanging us for a whole mess of
reasons could be conscious andunconscious, usually both.
So as you reflect here, asyou're reflecting on your own
support system, drink it can behelpful to notice if maybe
that's happening with somepeople.
Maybe there are some folks thatyou've just kept close, you keep
(10:25):
turning to, and they're notactually supportive of you, like
of where you're trying to growinto.
They have their own projectionsabout how you should be designs
, how you need to be, what youneed to be doing.
It doesn't mean that there'snot useful information from our
loved ones, but it's also worthnoticing if those folks might be
(10:47):
invested in you staying thesame, that inner circle.
Some of them might need to bebumped to the outfield for a
while.
Maybe they need to be benched.
Be your own head coach.
You are your own best guide.
Be your own Ted Lasso Ooh, evenbetter.
Be your own Rebecca lasso, evenbetter.
(11:12):
Be your own rebecca fuckingwelton, I love her.
Give yourself permission tomove your players around, to
trade them to the b team, totrade them to another team, even
if just for a bit.
While you consider your owndesires, make some some space
for you.
Speaker 4 (11:23):
You're fired because I'm the owner now and I don't
like you.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Okay.
So that Rebecca Welton quote isa little intense and if you've
ever watched Ted Lasso, you knowthat part of Rebecca's power is
also great warmth.
And I would say the whole showis model of warmth and resonance
(11:50):
.
And resonance maybe you'veheard me say this before it's
not the same as reassurance,it's not just like, oh, things
are going to be okay, just keeptrying and hey, it's fine, pat
on the back, it's not coddling,it's I understand you, I see you
, I hear you, I'm with you.
(12:14):
It's accompaniment.
Like Baba Ramda says, we're alljust walking each other home and
we need resonant relationships.
We need warmth in ourrelationships to help us develop
the relational part of ourbrains, so relational and then
(12:37):
instrumental Left hemisphere,which is language, people,
useful mechanisms, useful tools,and the right hemisphere, more
of an experience of humans on asoul level.
And so the warm relationships,the resonant relationships,
allow for that co-regulation,all those little neurons in our
(13:01):
brains, to grow the ways thatthey're supposed to.
Otherwise, the relational partof our brains will starve.
Emotional chaos, emotionalchaos.
(13:21):
I really love the teacher, sarahPayton, who weaves together a
lot of healing experiences,resonance, warmth, the work
around warmth and self-warmthand neuroscience all together
and the reason I'm bringing itup here is because if our
caregivers, if the people in ourearliest versions of our
support system, if theirrelational brains were never
structured and we were, you know, just like any child is raised
(13:45):
just by that instrumental brainjust trying to survive, by
functioning through thatinstrumental approach, through
that instrumental approach,you're operating only with the
ability to zoom in, almost like.
(14:08):
You've heard me talk aboutproblem solving and
pathologizing and always tryingto fix and how that requires us
to be so, in some ways sosmall-minded and just like
looking at all of the differentproblems and pieces.
I talked about this in the SlowDown Medicine episode of season
one.
We can't zoom out just with theinstrumental approach, the
instrumental brain.
(14:29):
We have to learn, whether wewere taught it or not, because
we can learn whether we weretaught it or not to build
relationships with resonance andwith warmth.
Speaker 4 (14:50):
Oh hi, it's me, janet .
This isn't an ad, but over hereat Crybaby headquarters, we
have to stay hydrated with allthis crying, and Dana lives in
an area with 5% humidity, whichis sad.
All to say, we love a funhydration hack.
Currently, we're doing a mix ofcoconut water, aloe water and
some mystery powder that was inthe back of Dana's pantry.
Keep crying, because it meansyou're staying tender in this
world.
Good luck out there, crybabies.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Back in god 2008,.
Babies, back in God 2008,.
When I first was exposed to alot of this work that I teach
now.
I was in a group called we GotIssues, led by Ra Goddess, j
Love Calderon.
There was a group of about 15of us.
We worked together for over ayear, met up in person a bunch
(15:34):
of times, had a buddy system Imean, some of those humans are
still my closest humans and wedid this exercise on support
system where we all had papersand drew circles about like, oh,
who are the people that areclosest to us and do we have
(15:55):
support systems that are reallymeeting us in this growth period
, because it was all empowermentwork we were doing we were all
a bunch of artists and activists.
We had people, and I think weall maybe went into this
exercise thinking we had a lotmore integrity and depth in our
(16:16):
support systems.
Then I think we really did, andthat exploration exposed for a
lot of us that lack of resonance, that we had people in our
lives who cared for us and wecared for them, but when we
thought about who we werebecoming growing into the dreams
(16:40):
and visions that we had, did wehave people that were really
there to hold us with resonance,with warmth accompanying us
without judgment.
We were all sitting in that roomcrying.
It sounded like a pack of wilddogs.
We were just howling.
(17:02):
It was really something.
And look, we did a lot ofcrying together, but that stands
out in my memory as the mostintense crying that we all ever
did together, and it's becausewe were turning towards this
(17:23):
question right here of ourrelationship to our support
systems.
We were asking ourselves I'llspeak for myself I was asking
myself if I really felt met bythe people in my support system.
Had I communicated with themwhat I really wanted and needed
to be supported?
At that time in my life I don'tthink it had ever even occurred
(17:48):
to me to do that.
Like in a deeply honest way, Ithink I was going about my life,
living and hoping that thepeople in my life family and
friends would come along for theride or whatever was going on
on my ride.
(18:08):
Those were just the people thatI would turn to and be like
okay, well, I'm having a hardtime.
Like, hold me.
In a way, it's an aspect ofvictimhood, like that I was
willing to just take whateverwould be offered to me without
asking for what I wanted andwhat I needed, what I desired,
(18:29):
all the same thing.
So that was really a beginningof a radical permission-giving
practice that probably I meandefinitely continues to this day
, a couple years ago, when mypartner and I were struggling
(18:51):
and I went to him and I said Idon't think our relationship is
healthy, is working for us, andthat was so hard, and my mom was
coming to visit basically twodays after I'd really had this
huge breakthrough andrealization around it.
(19:12):
I talked about it last seasonand my husband actually had to
rush out of town because of adeath in the family and he was
back in Indiana.
My mom and my stepdad came outand I was in the kitchen of my
mom's little vacay rental and Ijust I looked at her and I said,
(19:35):
mom, I have to tell yousomething.
I don't, I don't know if, Idon't know if my marriage is
working out, like I don't knowif it's working anymore.
I was so scared and she justgot this really scared, look on
her face and kind of did a wholegasping thing and I just looked
(19:59):
at her and I said, mom, this ishow I need you to support me
right now.
I can't, I can't hold yourworry about this.
And, to her credit, she took aminute, took a beat, took a,
took a deep breath and didwhatever she needed to do
internally to just sort of holdher worry and then just showed
(20:20):
up for me in such a powerful way.
I will remember that deepresonance and warmth with my
mother for the rest of my life.
I know that part of it camefrom this now decade plus long
(21:03):
practice of thinking about whatI need and the kind of support I
need and then risking becauseit always feels risky.
It felt risky to say that to mymom in that moment because I
knew she was worried and I knewthat what I was saying was scary
.
But this practice of asking forthe support that I need and
(21:27):
then allowing people to show upDo they always?
No, probably not, but in myexperience at this point, more
often than not they do, and Isurround myself with people who
do, because they all also do alltheir own internal work.
And it's a really beautifulthing, my friends and community.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
My friends also do their own inner work Internal
processing.
Get it, they're robots withinternal processors.
Okay, never mind, carry on.
Speaker 4 (22:06):
Alex, I got the pun.
I thought it was quite clever,ha ha.
Speaker 3 (22:11):
Are you offering me warmth and resonance, janet, or
just reassurance me warmth andresonance?
Speaker 4 (22:16):
Janet, or just reassurance Hum.
I do like the idea of resonancebetween robots, but maybe a
little bit of both, if I'mhonest.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
Cool, cool, cool.
Speaker 4 (22:24):
Or warm, warm, warm Yikes sorry.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
All right, so let's ask a few questions here and you
can just let these kind of washover.
You see how they feel.
You might come back to some ofthese later.
So take a few breaths, Justtune in.
I know we're doing a lot ofthis today, but just roll with
it.
You're welcome.
(22:47):
So think about where you're atin your life.
Just take a few breaths, whatyou're trying to call in and
what do you really need in asupport system?
Drink, and I suggest that youdon't just think about what you
(23:13):
feel you can get from the peoplethat are already around you.
Don't let that dictate yourneeds, wants, desires your
vision.
This is not how we get to vision.
It's not how we call new thingsin.
What are your beliefs aboutbeing supported?
What, yes, you might need tostart with this one?
What are your beliefs aboutbeing supported?
Speaker 3 (23:33):
I believe in belief.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
Do you believe and we might be touching on a little
shadow here so if you're feelinga little resistance, that's
okay.
Just let the resistance bethere.
It's going to give you someinformation.
Do you believe that otherpeople get to be supported but
you don't?
Do you believe you have toperform a certain way in order
(23:57):
to be supported?
Do you believe that you don'tactually need to be supported?
When we're not supported byothers, our resources deplete
more quickly.
This causes a disruption in ourlives.
It's harder to bond, to problemsolve, to direct your attention
(24:18):
, to think, to plan.
So get that.
Life without relationship isactually more metabolically
expensive than sharing ouremotions.
I love that.
Metabolically expensive.
I'm going to say the wholething again Life without
relationship is moremetabolically expensive than
(24:41):
sharing our emotions.
So you might notice that insidesome of those questions there
may be a feeling of judgmenttowards yourself or a lack of
warmth.
Throughout our lifetime, wehave the capacity to grow the
neurons that allow us to keepturning toward the self with
(25:05):
that warmth, with thatunderstanding, that resonance,
with that affection, with thatresonance, with that affection
Whether it's Sarah Payton orDana Balicki or their therapists
or friends, books, courses,that sometimes we need to
identify what Sarah calls warmothers.
I really love that Warm otherswho can hold things with us as
(25:31):
we are doing our own work alongthe way.
What I was sharing with youabout the story with my mom,
that took honestly a lot of workto be able to hold myself being
so scared and having perhapssome shame and some, you know, a
(25:51):
whole slew of emotions come up,to be able to hold myself in
that and then also ask for thesupport that I needed.
And that's a beautiful thingabout support system is that as
we experience that accompaniment, being understood, that
resonance with others, even hereright now, we're doing it right
(26:15):
.
You might be hearing myexperiences and being like ah,
yes, oh, I feel so seen andunderstood and oh, wow, and you
know we're doing somethingtogether here.
We're actually growing newneural connections Right now.
That could be happening for you.
New neural connections can bemade at any time, reaching from
(26:42):
the front of our brain, thefront of our noodle, the
prefrontal cortex, way, way, waydeep inside to the amygdala
cortex, way, way, way deepinside to the amygdala, and then
that the oh, your brain is yourown little built-in support
system drink.
Because that prefrontal cortexcan hold our emotions.
(27:05):
It can, it can.
It can separate, differentiateitself from the emotional part
of the brain and the amygdalaand hold our emotions with
understanding, which links intothat resonance circuitry, that
warmth circuitry that we alreadyhave.
(27:26):
That's usually going outwardand can go inward.
That's usually going outwardand can go inward.
In a lot of Sarah's work.
I've heard her quote this Everycell in your prefrontal cortex
carries the signature of thepresence or absence of your
mother.
86 billion cells in the humanbrain, the PFC, about one third,
(27:55):
though we have about 29 billioncells that carry the presence
or absence of our mother.
Wow, what?
Which also means that all thestuff I'm talking about here,
it's like if our own caregivers,the people who took care of us,
are our essential caregivers,if they didn't get deeply cared
(28:17):
for, deeply nurtured andlearning those nurturing skills
to take care of us with warmth.
If they didn't get that, youcan just imagine what we may be
inheriting and then living withand passing down.
(28:37):
So all those billions of cells,tens of billions of cells, if
they didn't get warmth, there'swhat Sarah calls a cellular
bewilderment, fundamentalcellular bewilderment,
fundamental cellularbewilderment.
And that disorientation canchange over time, it is not
(28:58):
fixed.
That is why I'm making thispodcast as part of your support
system, as a place of warmththat you can turn to, that can
also support you in your ownself-warmth, that can lovingly
hold all of those bewilderedcells or I mean maybe not all of
(29:20):
them, but at least some of themto create an experience of
resonance, a moment of grace, amoment where you might just feel
understood and accompanied, andto know what that feels like in
your body and to keep orientingtowards it, to keep practicing
(29:44):
it, to ask for it from yourpeople, to give it to yourself,
to your people, and not justpeople.
You can be accompanied byanimals, by the earth, by the
moon, by the stars, by trees, byall spirits, by seen and unseen
(30:08):
guides.
And just soak it up with thatlittle PFC and just soak it up.
Let that little PFC soak it up.
Let the trees be your mommies,let the clouds be your mommies,
be your own mommy.
Speaker 3 (30:24):
I am definitely my own mommy.
Speaker 4 (30:26):
But who's your daddy Crying in my jacuzzi?
Speaker 1 (30:37):
Crying in my jacuzzi.
If you enjoyed what we did heretoday, go over to wherever it
is that you are listening tothis podcast and give us a
rating as many stars as yourheart desires Theme music and
(31:02):
other musical bits by the verytalented Kat Otteson.
Sound design and editing by theeffervescent Rose Blakelock.
Thank you, designed and editingby the effervescent Rose
Blakelock.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I look forward to playing withyou more in my jacuzzi.
That sounded dirtier than Imeant it, but you know what I
(31:22):
mean.
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