16 - Green Flags & Gut Checks: What Makes a Great Partner After Divorce

Red flags are easy to spot. What’s harder—and far more useful—is training your eye for the green flags that tell you a relationship can actually work. We dive into the signals that matter most for dads dating after divorce: respect for fatherhood, emotional maturity, and consistency that builds trust instead of anxiety. You’ll hear how to test for these qualities without games, just clear beliefs, grounded vulnerability, and specific requests that lead to real change.

We unpack why a woman’s respect for your role as a dad is non-negotiable, and how complementary parenting styles can coexist without power struggles. We walk through nonviolent communication you can use today—identify the behavior, share a real feeling, make a specific request, and ask for agreement—so you can stop vague, circular arguments and start building habits that stick. We also explore why humor is a quiet superpower in conflict, turning pressure into connection without dismissing what hurts.

There’s more: how to spot support for your healing vs. pressure to “move on,” why requests aren’t the same as boundaries, and how self-leadership shows up under so-called “shit tests.” If you’ve wondered how to keep your frame, communicate clearly, and create a culture of appreciation that invites the right partner to lean in, this conversation offers practical scripts and mindsets you can use right away.

If this helped, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review—tell us which green flag you’re looking for next.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to Dad's Dating After Divorce,
where we talk about the wild andinteresting and well fun, can be
fun world of dating afterdivorce.
My name is Jude Sandval.
I am the founder of The DivorcedAdvocate and my co-host Dallas
Bluth, the founder of Black BoxDating.

(00:21):
How you doing, Dallas?
Doing awesome, Jude.
How you doing?
I am doing fantastic.
It's been a really good week.
Beautiful weather.
I spent the weekend in themountains, so I came back
refreshed and ready for thisweek.
And I'll just tell you, it makesa huge difference taking that
time alone.
It was with a couple other guys,had some guy time.

(00:44):
We just went to the mountains.
It was beautiful.
So I am uh I am doing good.

SPEAKER_00 (00:49):
A lot of a lot of guys really undervalue the the
recharging ability of hangingout with other men, without
women around.
Totally unprompted here.
That's one of my actual ruleswhen I'm dating is for every
woman I go, for every date I goon with a woman, I try to go on
a date with a man.
And when I say date, I'm loose,I'm using that term loosely,

(01:12):
obviously.
It's not romantic, but I findthat but I find that just like
you said over this weekend,being alone with guys really can
recharge your battery in a waythat even good dates just don't
recharge your battery.

SPEAKER_01 (01:23):
Yeah, and I love I've I've thought about that
often recently.
Your when you shared that withme, every time I go on a date or
have an experience with women orspend time with a woman, I try
to I try to balance that with aman too.
That's not our topic for today,guys, but I think it is an
important, important point, andand maybe we'll talk a little
bit about that sometime in thefuture of how to balance your

(01:47):
relationship with guy time,right?
Because it's it's important,like you just mentioned.
But what we are gonna talk abouttoday is we just yeah, if you
guys haven't figured it out yet,Dallas and I could just sit and
and we don't do this because wedon't see each other like more
than once or twice a week, butwe could literally just sit and

(02:07):
talk about this stuff all daylong.
So what we are gonna talk abouttoday is green flags.
And you know, instead of justfocusing, you hear us kind of
say sometimes, I know both of usdon't really like that term red
flag so much, but it's onethat's just because it's you
overused, at least in in my ishow I feel.

(02:28):
But instead of talking about redflags, we're gonna talk about
green flags, just positive signsthat that a woman could be can
be a healthy, supportive partnerafter divorce.
And so we always it oftentimes Ifeel like when I'm talking to
guys Dallas, that when I when Iask them, hey, what are you

(02:50):
looking for in your relationshipnow?
What is it?
What are your plans?
How do you want it?
They can always talk about whatthey don't want, right?
But rarely can they say, youknow, this is these are the
green flags I like emotionalmaturity or compatibility or
relationship, like whatever itmight be.
So my first question to you iswhy like why focus on green

(03:14):
flags and is that important fordads, specifically after
divorce?

SPEAKER_00 (03:19):
Well, I I think I think the basic idea is red
flags are shut doors.
When we see something with awoman that is gonna not gonna
work well and we label it as ared flag, you know, we shut that
door.
That closes us off.
Green flags are the opposite.
Green flags are open doors,they're invitations, they're
they're yes, go ahead, proceedforward.

(03:39):
They're they're positive,they're open, they're accepting,
they're appreciating.
If we focus too much on theclosed doors and the red flags,
that doesn't create a veryattractive state inside of us as
a man.
Where when we counterbalance itwith the things we are looking
for, and we do appreciate themwhen we see them, that creates a
state inside of us that's muchmore inviting, much more

(04:00):
attractive, much more relaxedfor the woman to experience.
So when we focus on green flags,that makes us more attractive as
men.

SPEAKER_01 (04:08):
Yes.
And I like the saying, what youfocus on, you will get more of,
right?
So 100%.
With that, with that kind ofmindset, if you're focused on
positive things, and this isthis is really true within the
context of a relationship.
Also, if you're focused,oftentimes we focus on, oh, I
wish he or she would do that orthis.

(04:30):
But if you focus on the goodstuff that expands and and can
be even more beneficial.
So that's kind of the mindsetshift I try, I try to use with
myself, is like, okay, what canI focus on that's really good?
Start from there, and then ifthere are things, and that's not
to say, and we're not saying,guys, today at all, ignore the
red flags and just look at thegreen flags, because red flags

(04:51):
are are there for you to payattention to and and decide
whether that's something thatyou can or can't deal with.
And maybe they're maybe they aredeal breakers and and and that's
fine too.
But the the green flags are arejust really like like Dallas
said, just great things to likebuild from, start from, have
that mindset from, and and andmove from there.

(05:13):
And when you have that, it'salmost the difference between a
positive and negative mindset.
I hate using that in a generalterms, just positive, negative,
because everything's justinformation, right?
But but if you're focusing ongreen, meaning you know good,
good things, things that youenjoy, like you said, stuff that
aligns, et cetera, then that'sthat's good.

SPEAKER_00 (05:32):
And just to build on that slightly, when I have my
weekly office hours with with mycoaching members, we we
obviously talk about red flags,problems.
We also love to celebrate, youknow, somebody has an amazing
date, somebody, you know, had awonderful experience, and those
are all great.
But even those wonderfulexperiences aren't exactly the
same thing as a green flag.

(05:53):
You know, when when we'recelebrating somebody's win, it's
a high, it's charged, you know,there's good energy.
That's all great, but it has acertain intensity to it.
When it when somebody actuallyshares an amazing quality that a
woman has, which would be morealong the lines of a green flag,
it's the whole group has thiscollective sigh and release.

(06:14):
And there's a there's a calmingeffect to green flags that just
makes us feel like, yeah, thiscould go on for a good long
while and could get better andbetter.

SPEAKER_01 (06:23):
Yeah, yeah.
Well, and so on that, let'slet's talk about one probably
the first one that for for me Ifeel is the most important with
divorce or divorcing dads isrespect for your role as a dad.
So that's and and there aremulti-layers to that, at least
in in my mindset.
That could be somebody thatdoesn't have children, but does

(06:48):
understand and respect that isnot going to compete for your
kids' attention, understandsthat the kids are important,
that they're a blessing, they'rea priority, and that they're not
a burden.
That's a that's a mindset that Isee often.
And not just maybe in women thatdon't have children, right?

(07:09):
Women that that do havechildren.
And the other thing is, and andthis is really, really important
to me.
So this was one of the greenreal big green flags.
A woman that that knows andappreciates your role in the
context of masculine andfeminine development in your
children as a dad.

SPEAKER_00 (07:29):
That is such a huge one.
You know, the the the role ofthe father, the fact that the
father has a place in how theyinfluence the the child rearing
process, that is so huge.
And that that is that is notsomething that that everybody
values, that's not somethingthat everybody admires,
particularly in today's society.

(07:49):
A lot of women really don't havea balanced scale with that.
And what it is is we havecomplementary roles.
We have complementaryresponsibilities, we have
complementary influences on thechild's life.
And yeah, I would say that thatthat is probably one of the one
of the biggest green flags thata single dad could get is
respect for his role, valuinghis role, and the fact that he's

(08:14):
making the effort to be in thesechildren's lives, his children's
lives, as proactively aspossible, and seeing that as
noble, honorable, and especiallyhealthy for the children.
That is a huge green flag.

SPEAKER_01 (08:26):
Yeah, so why I brought this one up, number one,
because this is literallyprobably the one that I've seen
that has been the mostchallenging for me in my
post-divorce relationships.
And and find in finding somebodybecause it's it's it's it's
complicated, right?

(08:47):
Because uh the way that dadsparent and the way that women
parent is very, very different.
And in in in divorce, what I seequite often is a diminishment of
a father's value in what hebrings to raising his children.

(09:10):
And I don't know, I I sometimesuh sometimes it's conscious.
Oftentimes what I find is it'sit's it's subconscious or
unconscious, they just don'tknow and don't understand.
So so I've run into when I'mwanting to parent a certain way,
or we've uh are spending timewith each other's children, that

(09:35):
it's the the way in which Iparent has been diminished or
devalued because they think thattheir way is the the the best
way.
And so so let's talk just alittle bit more about that
because and I'm we're probablygonna spend more time on this
than than the other ones, but Ithink it's really, really

(09:55):
important because I I'll havethe conversations of hey, I
respect that, but there's abalance to this.
Dads bring discipline, theybring, they bring guidance, they
they they bring direction, theybring like some very different
things, and mothers bringnurturing and up like caregiving
and some of those other things.
And there's got to be a balancebetween that.

(10:18):
So if you're seeing that shejust doesn't like the kids
discipline or there's nodiscipline, that's not
necessarily like she might justnot know understand like the
dynamic.
So a green flag is if she justdoes.
So I I guess what I'm trying toget at here, Dallas, is I want
to differentiate between itbeing a green flag, like she

(10:39):
really understands that, and itbeing a red flag where she's
completely discounting whatyou're doing, right?
Maybe she doesn't know, maybeyou need to have that
conversation.

SPEAKER_00 (10:48):
So to clarify, are you talking about you're you're
talking about the point of viewof someone that you're dating?
And are you talking aboutsomeone that has children of her
own or has has raised childrenin the past, or is this someone
that has never had children?
Because I feel like we have to,we have to sort of we're looking
at two very different dynamics.
Someone who's never had childrenis looking at it through a

(11:11):
totally different, you know,lens than somebody who currently
has children or has raised themin the past.

SPEAKER_01 (11:16):
They're probably looking at it from a very
different lens, but theirmindset around it could be very
much the same, whether they havechildren or not children.
And that goes to my my point asto whether they consciously feel
that way or just kind of don'treally know why or how they feel
that way.
Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00 (11:35):
It does.
It does.
Let me let me add to thatanother uh like a second, a
second step green flag on thatis how open are they to the
discussion?

SPEAKER_01 (11:44):
Yes.

SPEAKER_00 (11:44):
Because someone might be coming to it, they've
you know, they had a veryabsentee, let's say it's a
mother with children that you'redating.
She she has a very absentee, youknow, ex, you know, husband, or
you know, maybe they never nevereven got married, then maybe the
man didn't stick around, and youknow, and she has her point of
view that that has been what'sworked for her up until this
point.

(12:05):
I think one of the green flagsis is she open to updating and
hopefully improving or you know,informing her view of what
parenting can look like andhopefully appreciating, you
know, to a greater degree thevalue that the that a dad can
bring and the certain traitsthat he can bring, especially

(12:26):
when you separate it from themother.
I I think it's pretty clear thatwhen you try to package all of
the masculine and femininetrains in one parent, it doesn't
really come off nearly aseffectively.
Where when you separate out someof those roles into two separate
human beings, that has such adifferent impact on the
children.

SPEAKER_01 (12:44):
Yeah, absolutely.
So you haven't seen you didn'tsee my notes, yeah, but that
leads to the next one, which isemotional maturity, right?
So we're talking about emotionalmaturity.
Can she uh can she talk aboutdisagreements or can she can she
have a constructive conversationaround that and see and
understand what you justdescribed, right?

(13:06):
Because that is for a huge onefor me because I've been in that
role where I've tried to bemommy and daddy, and it's just
virtually impossible.
It's it's just it's notvirtually possible, it's
impossible.
It's impossible for one personto encompass and effectively
implement those roles for foryour children.

(13:27):
And that's you know, look, I'mnot saying that for any of us to
feel guilty or feel shame aroundthis, guys, but it's just the
it's it's just the way thatwe're just it we're designed,
right?
So so being able to have thatconversation kind of from that
context, right, is is reallyimportant.
And then is she open to that?

(13:47):
Is she open to understandingwhat that is if she doesn't,
like you said, if she doesn'thave kids or hasn't done that,
or is she open if she's kind ofhad a fixed mindset around that,
or maybe a bad experience,right?
This goes to what you I what Iappreciate you always bringing
up, which is we all kind ofbring our own experiences to
this and and putting our shoesor putting putt ourselves in

(14:10):
their shoes a little bit.
Maybe they've had a really badexperience around this, and
that's why they feel this way.

SPEAKER_00 (14:19):
Most men really under or are unaware and
underappreciate the experiencesthat women have had.
A lot of women don't share whatthose experiences are.
A lot of it goes very unseen andunheard.
But really, I mean, evenstatistically, the amount of
women that that have have beenthrough traumatic situations in
past relationships is huge.

(14:39):
And as guys, it it's almostimpossible for us to really
imagine what that would be likebecause it it's hard for us to
just imagine being experiencingthose sorts of things.
But I want to circle back to theroles that are naturally there.
There was one thing that Iheard, I picked it up years ago.
I want to say it was JordanPeterson that was sharing it,
but I'm not 100% certain onthat.

(14:59):
And he he boiled it down to avery simple essence of the the
parenting styles between men andwomen, mothers and fathers.
And he said that the the motherfocuses on who the child is
currently.
They're validating, they theyencourage who they are, they are
they are supporting them,they're telling them that they

(15:19):
are loved exactly the way theyare today.
That's the that's the motheringacceptance.
And then by contrast, thefather's role is uh essentially
to focus on the potential of thechild, to challenge them, to try
to stimulate them, to, you know,and it turns into rough and
tumble play and it turns intolet's go out and do something.

(15:41):
And and the thing that I loveabout that is those are two
almost completely contradictorypoints of view.
One is total acceptance of theway you are in loving you, and
the other one is saying you cando better, you can grow larger.
And if we cut out one of those,if all we do is accept someone
and never stimulate growth bysaying there's more potential
inside, that's not going to leadto a healthy human.

(16:04):
And if you lean completelytowards the potential of what
could be tapped into and younever love them as they are,
that's that's going to lead to avery insecure and unloved
individual.
And I love the fact that mothersand fathers seem to fall into
these roles rather naturally.
I just want to throw that outthere as one of the pieces I've
understood for a father's role.

SPEAKER_01 (16:25):
That is absolutely positively spot on.
And unfortunately, what I feelthat that we're what we're
experiencing now is that that'sthat's kind of gone to one end
of the spectrum in in at leastsome of the the generations in
in the past few decades thatit's been more of, hey, you're

(16:46):
okay the way you are, and lessand not a balance with, hey,
yeah, you are okay how you are,but we're always striving to be
better.
We're always looking for uh foror aiming.
Jordan Peterson calls it aimingupwards, right?
Like you're always aimingupwards towards something that
can be even bigger or or better.
We've got, and and I'll just saythis as a as just something as a

(17:09):
motivational for for all thedads listening.
We have so much untappedpotential as human beings.
And and I know that might behard to hear in the chaos that
you're going through right now,but we really, really do.
And I think some dads reallyembrace that and and appreciate
that.
But if you if you don't and youdon't believe that, I promise

(17:29):
you that is absolutelypositively true.

SPEAKER_00 (17:31):
You know, and Jude, I love your energy when you tap
into that.
Again, you're speaking from aninformed place as a father that
I don't have.
I don't have children.
And I love hearing theenthusiasm and the and the
sincerity coming out in whatyou're saying.
And I I can just imagine youpresenting that type of
sincerity on a date with awoman, and then and then seeing

(17:55):
does this woman see the value inwhat you're bringing to the
table?
Or does she dismiss it becauseit doesn't match her
pre-existing worldviews?
And and that right there, that'sthat's the green light or or the
green flag, or you know, or theshut door.

SPEAKER_01 (18:11):
Well, I'm I'm glad you said that because I was
gonna my question to you wasgoing to be how do we s how do
we spot somebody that hasemotional maturity like that?
And you use that example.
I I I like that.
And and one of the things thatthat I try to do is like ask a
lot of questions and or put outmaybe a belief that I have

(18:32):
around that, like parenting andwhat dads do, and then see what
their reaction is.

SPEAKER_00 (18:37):
Yeah, and and when you put that belief out there,
you put it out there as astatement of belief, not as a
question, not as sort of, well,this is kind of what I have, but
what do you think about it?
That's just sort of aninvitation to a very squishy
conversation.
Um, I think the way you do it isyou you stand firmly with where
you are, you you know what youbelieve in, you share it, and

(18:59):
you and you're sharing itknowing that you will always
upgrade, you will always improveyour worldview.
There's always room to grow.
And then once you put it outthere, which is you being
vulnerable, you know, you youstating what you're saying
unapologetically without aquestion mark on it, that is
leading with confidence andvulnerability simultaneously.
And the way you do it is youthen wait and see what does she

(19:22):
do with that information.
Um first of all, did she evenlisten?
You know, is does she evenengage with what you said now or
in the future?
Or is she just sort of lettingyour mouth run and the sounds
come out until you're done andthen she'll go back to talking,
which is what a lot of people doin conversations.
I think seeing the honest,open-minded engagement, that's

(19:45):
that's how you know whether ornot that green flag is there.

SPEAKER_01 (19:48):
So I'll tell you, one of the sexiest things for me
is when I do that and we're inalignment, and then just a deep
conversation results from fromthat.
That is just it's such a turn-onfor me.
And it really builds it, it justjust really builds something in

(20:08):
a in a relationship, a rapport,a deeper, uh, a deeper relation
with with that person when thathappens.
So I think that's I think thatis a perfect, perfect one to to
think about in in conversation.

SPEAKER_00 (20:23):
And you know, and when and when the woman does
that, when she listens, sherespects what you're saying, and
she engaged with engages withit, that then in turn opens us
up and softens us up to hearmore of her side that you know
we're we're we're not in hershoes, you know, we have to
receive it from her.
And that that exchange is is youknow is the big is the big green

(20:44):
flag for sure.

SPEAKER_01 (20:45):
And I want to I want to point something out that that
is important with this that youalways say it takes us leading
with that vulnerability.
Yes.
So you've got to be one, you'vegot to know what your your
beliefs and your values are.
So if you haven't done thatwork, it this is just a waste of
time, right?
And well, it's not a waste oftime.
You could still be dating, butyou're not gonna, you're not

(21:07):
gonna be able to to to really godeeper.
Maybe you're just maybe you'rejust getting out there and
that's okay.
Maybe you're still refining yourbeliefs and values, et cetera,
and you're still getting outthere, but you're not gonna be
able to test that emotionalmaturity.
You're not gonna be able todeepen that relationship by
doing that.
So you've got to know what thosewhat those are before you do
that.
And then you've got to lead withthat vulnerability.

(21:29):
Like you always say, we need toto lead, you've got to be open
and vulnerable.
If you haven't done the healingthen yet to do that, then you're
probably not gonna be able to dothis yet either.
So again, I'm just reiteratingwe we have work to do before we
get to this point.

SPEAKER_00 (21:43):
Absolutely.
And also when you're making thestatement, you can share it in a
way where this is a workingtheory.
This is how I feel about thistoday.
This is my understanding of howto, you know, how to be a good
father to my children.
This is my understanding today,and it's still a work in
progress.
It's fine to present it that waytoo.

(22:04):
That open-mindedness in a lot ofways really invites her into it.
I've I've noticed a lot ofwomen, one of the, I don't know
if it's a criticism, but one ofthe struggles that they have is
when they feel that a man iscompletely sort of sealed up and
contained in his view of theworld, and they don't feel like
he's open at all.
You can share what you believeand have it still be a belief as

(22:27):
opposed to a hundred percentcertainty.
And that is one of the mostattractive ways is to feel this
is where your heart is, to feelthis is where you've you've
leaned in with your body, andyou know that you're going to
keep growing and upgrading thatunderstanding.

SPEAKER_01 (22:41):
Yeah.
And look, man, if any of usthinks that we know everything
about everything going on here,you're just mistaken.
I'm sorry.
And I think probably ouraudience is a little more open
to that after having gonethrough the challenges that
they're going through withdivorce, etc.

SPEAKER_00 (22:58):
I and I'm speaking specifically to the presentation
of it.
In in making sure that there aresome invitations in your
sharing, you know, this is theway that I've seen, you know,
really works well with mychildren.
And and leaving some doors openfor her to walk through in the
process.
That that's all that's that'sthat's what I'm talking about,

(23:19):
is just small details like thatin the conversation.

SPEAKER_01 (23:22):
Sure, sure.
So my next one is again anotherreally important one.
These are we're hitting my topones off the bat, is
consistency.
Do her actions match her words?
Does she follow through on whatshe says?
And the reason being is that asa divorced dad, if she does

(23:46):
this, that really creates aspace of safety, it builds
trust, which is going to help usto you know go to the next level
with this person and potentiallysee them as a maybe a long-term
partner.
So my question with you is whatwhy does consistency hit

(24:09):
differently when you've beenthrough a messy divorce?
I kind of just answered it, butyeah, a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 (24:17):
How does consistency weigh in?
Yeah, post-divorce.
Well, vulnerability, we mightlead with it in the beginning,
but that's a that that's likepriming the pump.
That's a temporary effort thatwe make in order to, you know,
it's sort of like, well, I'mgonna I'm gonna pay for these
dates, I'm gonna buy dinner.
Well, probably not for the next10 years.

(24:37):
The idea is you get into a placewhere there's more partnership
involved.
Same thing with thevulnerability.
I'm going to pay first and leadwith vulnerability, but it needs
to be reciprocated, it needs tocome back.
I'm going to provide a certainamount of stability and security
and safety.
And this can't be a one-waystreet.
This needs to be reciprocated,and you need to be able to let

(24:59):
me also relax eventually as partof it.
I would say that the consistencyis what is what allows that
two-way exchange to be built,and it's what allows us to
eventually get into apartnership groove, you know, a
dynamic pair bonding that thatreally causes both people to

(25:20):
flourish.
If the other person isinconsistent, we're kind of
always making up for a lack ontheir end.
We're kind of always likecleaning up after somebody's
mess in a way.
And if, you know, as a singledad, you're an adult.
You're taking care of peoplethat are making messes because
they're children.
That makes sense.

(25:40):
You're not looking for a, youknow, a third, a fourth, or a
fifth quote unquote child thatyou have to clean up after
because they're not consistent,because they don't do what they
say.
You know, you want someone thatshows up as an adult.
I mean, in a lot of ways, theconsistency is the contrast to
the other important people inyour life that are your
children.
It provides you the type ofadult dynamic and relief from

(26:05):
the responsibilities.
You know, you don't I I thinkthe analogy is you shouldn't
have to clean up of after this,after this partner, the way that
you have been with yourchildren.
And consistency is a huge partof you saying that you don't
have to.

SPEAKER_01 (26:18):
Yeah, and I think that guys that are that are or
were codependent like myselffind this one really hard
because then you're always doingand always trying, and you're
not getting, you know, you'renot getting that that feedback,
but we're we keep trying.
And so on that note, how whathow do you approach talking

(26:42):
about that?
Because they're obviously notopen to to to it because they're
not showing, they're not,they're not reflecting
vulnerability with you.
They're saying one thing, butdoing another thing, and you
just you can't ignore this.
But before you're worried,before you're using this as a
red flag and saying, okay, well,this isn't gonna be, this isn't

(27:04):
gonna work, how do you how canyou approach that with somebody
and have that conversation?

SPEAKER_00 (27:09):
So I'm actually gonna say the first thing about
what you're not, what I don'tever find has been effective, is
to actually is to actually talkabout it in the form of a
conversation as this big thingthat needs to be addressed.
That in an in an abstract sense.
I find it's far more effectiveto be very specific and clear

(27:30):
about something specific.
So, for example, you know,showing up on time for dates,
let let's say it's somethinglike that, and you can just make
it clear to them, hey, this isreally important to me because I
have limited time.
I can't just be free-spiritedabout this, what whatever the
thing is, the more specific,concrete, and detailed we can

(27:51):
be, the the more we are actuallyhelping the other person know
exactly what to do.
We're what we're doing is we'reremoving interpretation from the
equation.
When we have a largeconversation about, well, I need
you to be more consistent, well,what the hell does that mean?
I mean, consistency in what areaof life, how does it show up?

(28:12):
It's, you know, it's like Icould see myself as consistent,
she could see herself asconsistent, but we're looking
at, you know, totally differentrooms in the house, you know, to
use a metaphor.
When I tell her specifically thethings that I need to be her to
be consistent about, thatremoves a lot of room for

(28:33):
miscommunication, a lot of roomfor misunderstanding.
And then I see what does she dowith that information?
And I I actually give thisadvice to women all the time.
Tell men exactly what will makeyou happy, and then see what
they do with that information,because that'll tell you
everything you need to knowabout whether or not your
happiness matters to that man.

SPEAKER_01 (28:52):
Right, right.
So there's something that iscalled a skill that is called
nonviolent communication.
You've probably you've probablyheard it before.
It's just three, four steps,which is identify the behavior
and just talk about thebehavior, like you said, what
when you're late.
Uh talk about how it makes youfeel.

(29:12):
It makes me feel because youcan't argue with how you're
feeling, right?
That's not that's notnegotiable, it's how you're
feeling.
So you're sharing, but it thattakes being vulnerable and
actually knowing how you'refeeling.
And it can't be pissed off allthe time.
It's gotta be, you know, yougotta go a layer deeper than I'm
pissed off when you when you itmakes me feel disrespected,

(29:35):
right?
Or you're something like that,or or devalued, or something
like that.
I would and then state what itis that you would like to see,
uh, which is the third step.
I would I would like for us toto agree that we'll be on time
for our dates, and then get buyin from them and agreement.
And then, like you said,depending on how then they react

(29:55):
to that next time or ongoing isgoing to determine what What
whether that they are consistentor not and then help you.
Is it if they're consistent,yeah, this is a green flag,
great.
They're not, they're completelywalking through the the
boundary.
You're we in in the codependentworld, we're talking about

(30:15):
setting boundaries, right?
That's a that's a boundary thatyou're creating, the beyond
time.
Uh and then if they don't theydon't adhere to that, if they
don't uh value that because youdo, then they're just
disrespecting that that that uhboundary, and that's your
answer.

SPEAKER_00 (30:29):
Yeah.
And uh for me, I guess the partthat I was focusing on the most
is is the the clarity andconcrete nature of the request.
You know, because a lot of timesit'll be I'd like you to be more
respectful of my time.
That's again leaves a lot ofroom for interpretation.
You know, I would I you know I'dlike for you to text me when

(30:51):
you're leaving home and let meknow when the Google Maps says
you're going to be there.
That's much more concrete thanyou know, than than than just uh
respect my time.
You know, one one of them is youknow, you can follow a set of
instructions and know exactlywhat you know what what those
steps are.
A lot of people, this this thiscomes back to a very fundamental

(31:12):
concept in communication, whichis we communicate in words, but
we think in pictures.
And the whole job ofcommunicating with words is to
try to see the picture that's inyour mind and then to reveal to
other people the picture that'sin my mind.
And the more concrete we areabout that picture, the easier
it is to have thatcommunication.

(31:33):
And to your point with thenonviolent communication, when I
part of that picture is how Ifeel.
So I feel sad, I feel lonely, Ifeel you know, disrespected, I
feel like, you know, like I'mI'm losing hope in this
relationship.
When you show up 45 minutesafter you said you were going to

(31:56):
be here, and I had no warning, Ihad no idea, it causes me to
start to implode inside.
You know, those that is alsoclarity about those feelings.
It's you know, and saying it'slike, because a lot of times,
and you know, both sexes dothis, but I think men are
particularly, particularly good.
You know, someone will ask,Well, how do you feel?

(32:17):
But then what you'll get is anassessment of the situation.
It's like, well, I feel thatyou're not respecting my time.
That's not a feeling.
Right.
I feel sad is a feeling.
I feel angry, I feel whatever.
And and a lot of times we'd wemake this shift.
Both men and women do it, butmen, I think, are especially
prone to it.

(32:38):
What are you feeling?
Make sure it's a feeling wordthat you're actually putting out
there.
And boy, that's when you againcoming back to the
vulnerability, that's doublyvulnerable, you know, to do as a
guy.
And when you tell her, I feelreally sad when you made me wait
45 minutes and I don't know, youknow, when you're gonna be here,

(32:58):
how does she respond to youfeeling sad?
Tells you a lot of reallyimportant information, almost
even more than the actualbehavior.
She's like, oh my gosh, I had noidea it was making you feel that
way.

SPEAKER_01 (33:11):
Yeah.
Well, exactly.
So somebody that is emotionallymature is then going to take
that to heart and then have thatconversation about that, right?
Well, and that goes both ways,right?
Exactly.
But they're gonna, they're gonnahave that conversation, like,
well, that wasn't my intention.
And let's let's talk about I I Ididn't intend to go down this

(33:32):
route, but let's talk a littlebit about since we've we're
we're talking specifically aboutsetting boundaries and and kind
of this.
We're talking a little bit, sothey call I I've heard them
referred to as shit tests.
Women are gonna test you alittle bit to kind of see where
your boundaries are, if you can,if you can hold your frame of

(33:52):
mind appropriately, are yougonna get all worked up and
pissed off about this?
The the other thing that Iappreciate about nonviolent
communication is it takesemotion out of it, right?
So you're not like you said,you're the the vagueness in the
beginning of like a you know, II I I feel like you're not

(34:13):
respecting my time and notshowing, like if you just say
you showed up 45 minutes late,that makes me feel it makes me
sad, it makes me feeldisrespected.
I would like for us to agree.
It's very matter of fact, you'renot you're not getting into the
emotions, you're not gettinginto intense, like you always do

(34:33):
this, you like you're mean, likeyou don't care about me, you
don't love like it takes all ofthat out of it, right?
You're you're still holding yourframe of mind around that.
You're being calm, you're beingcool, you're directly talking
about what the action is, howyou feel, what you want to see,
and then whether or not shewants to agree to it or not.
And it's a like you say, likeyou always talk about, which is

(34:56):
then it's an invitation.
That's an invitation to yourworld and how you want it to
function and how you're going tobe able to be in relation
together.
And just understand, guys, also,this might be hard for you to
do, particularly if you'renon-confrontational or you're a
pleaser or codependent, butyou're gonna have to learn to do

(35:19):
this.
And so then you're inviting, andand you're gonna have to also
know that she might just walkaway, right?
It might, and and if she'semotionally immature, she'll be
like, oh, you're too sensitive,or blah, blah, blah, or
whatever.
And that's fine.
That's your answer, right?
But somebody that's emotionallyimmature is gonna be might be
say, hey, well, help meunderstand why that you feel

(35:40):
this way, or it might lead tosomething which can be a deeper
relate, deeper conversation thatwill expand your relationship.

SPEAKER_00 (35:49):
Dude, you have such a fundamental grasp and
understanding of nonviolentcommunication.
I I hope all of your clients aregetting that as part of their
work with you, because that isthe the skills that you're
talking about, because again,part of what you had in there
was the, oh, well, you always dothis to me.
And that takes it back up to ahigher level of abstraction.

(36:10):
And you're saying, no, no, no,you have to focus on just the
basics of the behavior, whatyou're feeling.
And these are non-negotiable.
You did or did not show up ontime, you are feeling this way.
I do make personally adistinction when it comes to the
word boundaries.
So I my the most influentialbook that I read was a book by

(36:30):
Henry Cloud called Boundaries.
Really opened my eyes to a lotof good information about it.
And the most important word withboundaries is you saying no.
A boundary is like a fence, itsays no, you don't cross over
this, or you know, yes, I willlet you through this, you know,
according to this.
But but boundaries are basicallyjust saying no to other people.
So I make a distinction betweena boundary, which is which is

(36:53):
again stopping something, andmaking a request.
I I see making a request not asa boundary, I see it as asking,
please, will someone else make achange in their behavior.
Okay, that for me, like I don'twrap that around a boundary
because I don't get to controlsomeone else's behavior.
They get to say no to myrequest, that's their boundary.

(37:16):
But saying, well, I need to betreated this way, that's not a
boundary.
Me saying I won't be treatedthis way, I'm leaving, that's a
boundary.
But saying I want you to behavea different way, that for me is
out of bounds for boundariespersonally.

SPEAKER_01 (37:30):
Yeah, I agree.
I think that's a good reframe inhow to look at it.

SPEAKER_00 (37:34):
Yeah.
And so I've actually found thatit's very, very useful for the
woman, but especially for myselfto call out the fact that I'm
making a request.
So I will say, you know, I'dlike to make a request and then
follow that up with the newbehavior that I'm requesting
that the person does.
But the fact that I'm saying I'mI'm owning the fact that I'm

(37:57):
making a request of them, itclears it up completely.
I'm I'm asking for a change inthe behavior.
Because usually behavior changesare like, well, but if you love
me, you would behave this way.
And it's sort of thispassive-aggressive throwing body
weight around, you know, pushand pull.
But if I say, can I make arequest?
I would love it if you put thelid on the toilet down, you

(38:20):
know, whenever, you know, afteryou go to the bathroom or
whatever the thing is.
Making it clear that I'm makingthe request, it separates the
two of us.
We're not intermeshed.
We're not like, oh, well, if youlove me or if you cared about
this, or if you really respectedmy time, like it removes all of
that.
It's here's the request.
And then the person, you know,will or will not follow it.

(38:43):
And bringing it back to greenflags, everybody coming to it is
coming from a very differentbizarre world than the other
person.
The biggest green flag you canhave in a relationship is when
conflict comes up, because allof what we're talking about here
is conflict, nonviolentcommunication, an approach to
dealing with conflict.
How does that person deal withthe conflict?

(39:04):
And when I make a request for achange in behavior, how do they
deal with that?
Do they say yes and theyactually do it?
Do they say yes and thencompletely forget about it?
Do they say no and then tellthem why?
Because on their end, they'rethey are setting a boundary
because they said no.
Or do they say no because theysay I'm overreacting and you

(39:25):
know, they're just shooting,lobbying bullets back this way
at me?
The green flags are there sayingyes, I'll do this, and then
following up, or saying no, andthen helping you understand
where they're coming from.
Just to bring it back to thetopic, for me, how do they deal
with those requests is the hugething.

SPEAKER_01 (39:42):
Well, then that comes back to the consistency,
which is what we started with asthis green flag is will there,
is there is there is are thereactions supporting what they
say?
Right?

SPEAKER_00 (39:53):
So I I want to throw in you're all you're the note
taker.
I love it.
You've got the structure, you'vegot the outline for all this,
you know, and you know, and Iget to I get to you know work
off of it and riff off it'sawesome, and they never get to
see your notes, so you get tokind of like just shoot from
whatever side, and I never knowwhat's gonna happen.
Okay, so I'm gonna throw in onethat I think is a huge green
flag, particularly when it comesto conflict.

(40:17):
Can the woman laugh with you asa result of dealing with
conflict?
Do both of you get to a placewhere you're like, oh my gosh,
like this is so messy, and youknow, and we're just you're
laughing about it because thetruth is, I mean, again, I don't
have kids, but I've been aroundthem.
I mean, like, it's a shit show.
I mean, like, there is stuffgoing on.
I I heard a story from one of mydad friends where he had the

(40:41):
newborn and then he had thetwo-year-old, and the
two-year-old threw up into theheating vent register in the
floor during winter.
So the heat is like throwingvomit smells out of the vent,
and he's trying to clean it upwhile you know doing it.
And I'm just like, holy cow! Andit's the sort of thing where
it's like obviously highconflict situation.

(41:04):
You have to get to the placewhere you can laugh about it.
And I would say one of the greenflags is with whatever woman,
whether she has children or not,can she get to a place of
understanding and and and ohunderstanding is the world.
Can you get to a place ofunderstanding and mutual respect
enough that she can laugh aboutwhat's going on, you know, in

(41:25):
your world and in her world?
I would say that is one of themost important green flags.

SPEAKER_01 (41:30):
I would agree with that.
And that was actually in mynotes as bonus green flags,
right?
Not believing it, no way.
No, you stole that one from me.
I got to it first, so it's mine.
Can she laugh, have fun, even inin tough times?
Because, hey, it's gonna be likeyou said, shit happens, man.
I mean, it's just you just andyou just never know.

(41:51):
So somebody that has yeah,somebody that has that, that I
would say that is a reallyattractive trait for me with uh
with a woman that can just likelaugh through tough times and
know that everything's gonna beokay, even if it's a if it's uh
it's a challenging time.
So yeah, I I agree.

(42:12):
I think that's a great one, andvice versa.
So and and I would say, I knewyou were gonna say that.
See, I'm starting to I'mstarting to catch on to your
onto your tricks here.
No, but I was gonna say Istruggle with that sometimes
because I get pretty seriousabout stuff and I get like, oh,
this is heavy.
And so I have to remind myselfto be humorous also, as well.

(42:34):
And then when I am, I I see allthe time.
It's it makes a huge difference.
It is, and it's not justattractive the way it's
attractive to people, people ingeneral, other guys, people at
work.
Like, if you can have just ahumorous mindset around life,
then man, that's why people lovecomedians, right?

(42:55):
It's it's just awesome.
It just feels so good to bearound them and their energy and
how funny they are and how lightthey are.

SPEAKER_00 (43:04):
Yeah.
I think I think lightness ispart of it because you're
releasing the tension of theconflict.
When you can come all the wayback down to laughing about what
just happened, and again, sortof the absurdity of you know,
all the things we go through inlife, it it releases the
tension.
And yes, you did call me out.
Yes, apparently you are catchingon to my tricks.

(43:25):
The reason it's really, reallyextra important for men to know
to do this is because women knowthat men are inherently
dangerous.
You know, for better or worse,you know, and we and you don't
want to lose that dangerousside.
That's part of the theattractive, sexy side of
masculinity is the fact thatlike we can deal with stuff, you

(43:45):
know, like we we do have adangerous edge inside of us.
Well, I'm sure we'll talk aboutthat more in the future.
But because that danger isthere, she needs to know that
she is safe and that she's onyour team.
And part of the reason is youpop the you top pop the top on
that bottle inside of you andyou let out that pressure and
she sees it.
And she might help you do thatin a lot of ways, but really,

(44:08):
this is one of the areas as aguy we should be leading to show
that life's okay, you know,we're gonna laugh about this,
don't worry, we'll get it, youknow, we'll stay up if we have
to to fix it.
You know, it's like it's onlymoney.
Let's write a check to like makeit happen, you know, and you
being able to not not get bentout of shape as a man, oh, that

(44:28):
that gives so much freedom towomen to feel lighthearted on
their end.

SPEAKER_01 (44:33):
Yeah.
And let's clarify, we're notwe're not suggesting you need to
become a stand-up comic, right?
Or or get really good.
That just it just means thatyou're not going dark and
worst-case scenario.
You're again holding, like youjust said, holding your
composure, but then bringing itto some, and and bringing it
might be like going to a comedyclub, doing something during a

(44:56):
difficult time that might bringsome lightness to the situation.
It doesn't mean that youactually have to change your
personality to become a clown ordress up in a clown suit or any
like any crazy thing to changeyourself, but you just have to
hold that situation and thenbring a lightness to it in
whatever way you can.

SPEAKER_00 (45:15):
So this isn't, yeah, we're not talking about a
performance.
We're not talking about you,yeah, just making her telling
her funny stories that make herlaugh.
I mean, if you can, great, yeah,develop that a little bit.
We're not talking aboutperforming, we're talking about
being real.
We're talking about showing whoand where you really are and
inviting her to be authenticwith you all the way down to the

(45:36):
yep, okay, and and and and andin the light of being real, I'm
gonna take it back to a seriousone.

SPEAKER_01 (45:41):
Next green flag is supports your healing and
doesn't rush it.
Because so if she does shedoesn't judge your divorce story
or pressure you to quote unquotemove on faster than you're
ready, and she respects yourprocess and emotional timeline.

(46:03):
And so this is important becauseyou want, and and again, this
goes to you then having to beclear with where you're at and
what your intentions are arounddating.
So again, this takesconversations up front, being
being clear about what yourintentions are when you're
dating, where I'm just lookingfor companionship, or I'm ready

(46:26):
to get married again, whateverthat that might be, but sensing
and having the conversationsabout that.
So, how can a dad tell ifsomeone's actually supportive
versus just tolerating yourbaggage?

SPEAKER_00 (46:38):
So I'm actually going to bring this back to what
we were saying earlier, JordanPeterson's comment about women
honoring what is in a person andmen are honoring the potential
in a person.
I think that when when when aman or any person presents to a
woman, yeah, I'm stillrecovering from this and I'm not
ready, if that women are theones that are supposed to

(47:02):
understand that the best.
I mean, men are the ones thatare like, no, I want to do it
now.
You know, like we're the onesthat have this, you know, like
sort of built-in sense ofurgency.
I I think I think women should,you know, the acceptance of, oh
wow, that's where you are rightnow.
And her saying, okay, that's notgoing to work for me because I

(47:22):
want to get married and starthaving kids myself.
And she, you know, and she sayslovingly, you know, we're not on
the same timeline schedule.
I don't want to wait anotheryear and a half or two years for
you to maybe be ready to marryagain.
I'm ready to get married, youknow, much sooner than that.
And she steps away that, well,you just lost the good one, you
know, because that's actuallyhaving the emotional maturity of

(47:43):
it.
Yeah, well, let me hear yourthoughts.
Because I'm I well, let me alsoask in return.
So I haven't run into this awhole lot where women are
pushing a man to be to move onfaster.
Can you can you give me somemore details on what that looks
like?

SPEAKER_01 (48:00):
Yeah, sure, yeah.
And and so it strikes me,Dallas, when we're talking about
all this, but when we're talkingabout everything about
relationships all the time,communication is absolutely key
all of all of the time.
Communication and and and beingcomfortable with the fact that
you might not be in the sameplace and that you need to walk

(48:22):
away.
And because if you don't, thenthat just creates problems.
And that's been my problem lotsof lots of times too, where
where I've said, okay, I'm I'mnot being true to what I really
need at this moment, and thenthat becomes a problem because
then all kinds of things can youcan become resentful or any

(48:46):
other myriad of of emotions oror problems come up.
And so, yeah, I I have seen Ihave seen this happen, but I can
distinctly say that it's becomea problem only because of my
lack of communication in beingup front, or or in or at least
the the circumstances I'mthinking of, it was just the
fact that I I hadn't defined myintentions and what I had wanted

(49:10):
enough to be able to communicatethose.
And so I hadn't done the thework to do that, and then that
became a problem because thenthere's inconsistency in what
each of us wanted.
So so again, that goes to the tothe leadership.
The other thing that strikes meis we keep talking about this
leadership, and I thinksometimes guys feel gets get a

(49:33):
little bit tense around that ofwell, what what does that mean?
You you you think of like Pattonleading the troops in, and
you're like it's it's it is notit is not that is really
everything that we've talkedabout, which is doing the work
on yourself, knowing what it isthat that you want, being
intentional, learning tocommunicate, refining things

(49:56):
like uh like your humor,bringing lightness to to that
stuff.
That's that's leadership.
Leadership starts with yourselfand leading yourself, and then
people are drawn.
Leaders, people, you know,people I think misunderstand
understand when they talk aboutgood leaders out there, like
they like leaders go and recruitpeople.
Leaders just have people thatend up following them because of

(50:20):
who they are and what you knowwhat direction they want, and
then they they want to go inthat direction too.
And and so it takes being a goodleader in your relationship in
order to uh to to um mitigatesome of this this stuff or these
communication challenges.

SPEAKER_00 (50:37):
100%.
I'm glad I'm glad you got there.
Because for me, leadership is, Iwould say, 90% self-leadership.
I have to learn to lead myself.
And the more I lead myself, themore, like you said, other
people naturally want to follow.
It's because you've inspiredthem.
Most people don't leadthemselves very well.
We're we're living in a world ofreactionary behaviors.

(50:58):
Leadership is being proactive asopposed to reactive in the
world.
And that is the most of the workis you how do you lead yourself?
Self-leadership is the absoluteroot and majority substance of
leadership.
And along with that, you youwere talking about some of the
relationships you've been in.
I might get the wording slightlyoff, but how you were committed

(51:20):
to them and leaning into them,but not fully honoring yourself.
Do I have that right?
Yeah.
So for me, the the terminology Iuse with you know with my
clients is that you've you'vegot your loyalties out of order.
So you're loyal first externallybefore at and at the expense of
and secondarily you're beingloyal to yourself.

(51:43):
You need to be loyal toyourself.
And I I know this is a big jump,but I want to come back to the
topic that we hardly touched on,which was when women shit test
us.
When women are shit testing us,they're not testing how we are
or how we feel or how we behavewith regards to them.
What they're really trying totest is what what is our own

(52:05):
independent self-leadership?
What are we loyal to inourselves in our own leadership
sense?
Because what they want to knowis that the way that we're
behaving isn't dependent onthem.

SPEAKER_01 (52:17):
Yes.

SPEAKER_00 (52:18):
They're the shit test is is really, I want to
wash off all of your sexualattraction to me, all of your
emotional attachments.
I want to, I want to see who youare, buddy, completely
independent of me.
That's why the shit tests seemkind of like arbitrary and
disconnected from from theinteractions that are happening.
It's because she wants to knowwhat kind of a guy are you, all

(52:40):
on your own.

SPEAKER_01 (52:42):
Exactly.
How are you gonna show up in theworld?
Because innately, they wantsomebody, if you can't, if you
can't stand up to, stand up tois probably not a not a great,
not that not the best term, butif you maintain a frame, handle,
if you can't handle her shittest, how are you gonna handle
the rest of the world when itcomes at you and your family?

(53:04):
Right.
So there's this, there's thisjust a biological thing inside
of her, physiological thing thatshe needs to be protected, cared
for, etc., by you.
And and so if you can't handlewhat little she's you know, what
little difficulty she's bringingto you, you're not gonna be able
to handle the rest of the worldbecause the rest of the world is

(53:25):
gonna kick our asses.
And so she wants to know that.
So if you can reframe it likethat and don't start getting all
pissy about why is she doingthis now, why is she doing that,
and just again, hold that frame,hold that frame of mind, just be
confident, light about it.
Again, humor with some of thisstuff is like, you know, and and

(53:45):
one of the funny ones that Ialways talk about is like the
hold my purse thing, you know,and and then like I'll do
something stupid, like stand uplike like I'm a like a coat rack
or something, I'll be like, Am Iyour coat rack?
You know, and then I'll walkaway.
And and so, you know, it's juststupid stuff, like stupid stuff
like that.
And they're like, You're such anass, or something like that.
And you know, but like it's ashit test, and it's just it's

(54:09):
ridiculous.
But if you're funny about it andyou're stupid, like they don't
get instead of being like, Well,what if like I always got to
carry your shit and likeda-da-da, like what you know,
don't do that.
Just do something funny, walkaway, and then be done with it.

SPEAKER_00 (54:21):
And then they know, and then they you've passed the
shit test and it's over.
Yeah.
Well, and and those, and thoseshit tests, it what it really
is, is there's not necessarily aright or wrong way to respond.
It's what it's how do you reactin a certain situation?
She's throwing you into asituation, she's kind of stress
testing you.
One of the images I like tothink about is if you if you

(54:43):
think about sort of like, Idon't know, hunter-gatherer
days, or you're stranded on adesert island and you make like
a hut, you know, out of sticksand you know, lashed together
with vines and everything, youknow, and you say to your woman,
like, okay, cool, I've made ourlittle house.
She's not gonna just walk intoit.
Like, she's gonna go over andshe's gonna push on it a little
bit to see whether or not it'sgonna stand up because she

(55:05):
doesn't want to be inside yourhouse when it comes crashing
down.
She doesn't want all of thatmaterial falling down on her
head.
She doesn't want it.
Anybody, you you, you know, whenwe lash it all together, when
we're building it, we're gonnapush on it and see what what
kind of stress test it can take.
And here's the other thing,because a lot of guys think,

(55:25):
okay, you get these shit testsup front.
I passed them, I said it, stopdoing them.
Well, okay, that was yesterday.
We had a big, we had a bigwindstorm last night.
Well, let's go outside and checkand see what the status of the
hut is.
You know, can we still push onthis?
Is this still going to stand up?
And it and it it that's normal.

(55:46):
Like any anybody wants to besure that that the thing is
still stable.
And I'm just gonna throw thisout there and I'm gonna bet this
isn't on your list.
Is that that is also a greenflag for a woman?
Is that she's been through theworld enough to not just go, oh,
I trust you, no matter what.
I know you can take care of it.
It's like, no, she's beenthrough the world enough to know

(56:08):
that windstorms and rainstormshappen, and she's been through
it enough to see that not allmen respond to them the same
way.
And she's like, I want to bewith a guy that has enough good
qualities that I can trust himwhen the shit hits the fan.
And I so I would say that awoman that actually throws out
shit tests is, you know, isactually a green flag.

SPEAKER_01 (56:29):
Okay.
I would that on your list.
Only thing, yeah, no, only thingI would uh add to that is
oftentimes it it's just not evena conscious thing for them.
Like it's just again, a natural,innate thing that they're doing
in and and they don't even theydon't even know it.
So don't take it personal.
That's the point, is don't don'ttake it personal.

SPEAKER_00 (56:50):
Women operate much more intuitively than men do for
the most part, and thank Godthey do, because we need that
intuition, we need thoseinstincts.
Men operate more consciously,and thank God we do, because we
need that also in order to youknow send rockets in outer space
and have this wonderful internetconnection working between the
two of us most of the time.

(57:11):
That's exactly thank goodness,and and appreciate the fact that
she's going to be differentabout it.
Don't accuse her and get upsetat her for being fundamentally
different.

SPEAKER_01 (57:21):
Yep.
No, that's a good thing.
It's a good thing if we canappreciate that.
All right.

SPEAKER_00 (57:27):
Any any last any last thoughts, Dallas?
Uh, last thoughts.
Green flags need help.
For us to walk into a situationand go, hear the red flags, here
are the green flags, check,check, check, check, check, and
I'm gonna, I'm I'm gonna, youknow, you know, go no go on this
situation.
I understand why we're doingthat, but that's rather critical

(57:47):
of the world.
When you see that there isreally potential with someone,
when you feel there's a goodemotional connection, when you
feel that she she reallyfundamentally is a good person,
help her bring out the greenflags.
Again, being really concrete,using the nonviolent
communication that you outlinedfor us early on in this episode.
And and again, like you said, itreally comes down to

(58:09):
communication.
Communicate and and give herevery opportunity to show the
green flag and demonstrate it.
Getting into philosophical,moral, right and wrong
conversations is very rarelyeffective.
Get much more basic and muchmore applicable and make

(58:30):
requests and see what she does,because that's really inviting
the green flags to come out.
What about you, Jude?
What did we what did we notcover on your list that you want
to really get out there?

SPEAKER_01 (58:39):
No, I I think we we did a I feel like we did a
pretty adequate job here forsure.
I would just reiterate, leaninto those green flags and then
work through the red flags uh asas best you can.
And if you're gonna if you focuson those green flags and and
highlight those, things willexpand.

(59:00):
The good things, like focus onthe good of the relationship
that you find with them.
That stuff expands, that leadsto more goodwill and happiness
and comfort and all those goodthings that come with a
relationship, and then the redflags, if you can highlight that
stuff, the green flags 90% ofthe time, and then just talk
about those red flags, just asmaller percentage of that time,

(59:22):
you're gonna have a beautifulrelationship.

SPEAKER_00 (59:24):
And the magic words to do that are thank you.
You thank her for the greenflags, you thank her for doing
the things she's doing.
That's how you, if you'rewondering how you show
appreciation, if you wonder howyou encourage the magic words,
are thank you.
Followed by specifically whatshe did.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (59:41):
Dallas, thank you for today, for for all of your
pearls of wisdom.
Where can where can the uh thelisteners get in touch with you?

SPEAKER_00 (59:49):
Jump on over to uh blackboxdating.com.
That's where you can check outthe coaching program.
And we'll be hitting the streetsin Denver this Friday.
If you're a member of theprogram, you're more than
welcome to join us.
Yeah.
That's what you do.
Jude, same to you.
How can guys learn more aboutall of your awesome
communication skillspost-divorce?

SPEAKER_01 (01:00:05):
Yes, check out the divorced advocate.com.
That's the website.
We've got resources whereveryou're at in your divorce.
We got coaching and podcast andeverything else.
So check it out at the divorcedadvocate.com.
Dallas, always a pleasure.
An hour goes by so fast with us,but I look forward again talking

(01:00:26):
next week.
Talk to you next week, dude.
Take care.