17 - From Checklists to Chemistry: Decoding Her Dating Profile

Ever stare at a profile and think, What does any of this actually mean? We go straight at the modern maze of dating after divorce—where “active,” “preferably no kids,” and political banners can make or break a match before you’ve said hello. As two dads who’ve lived the post-divorce reboot, we break down how to read between the lines, when to move on, and how to show up with humor and direction instead of treating dates like job interviews.

We tackle the illusion of abundance on apps and why chasing algorithms keeps you stuck. You’ll learn a simple filter that protects your time: chemistry beats criteria. Checklists have a role, but they don’t create attraction—experience does. We share a practical “show, don’t tell” approach to profiles and messages, including how to turn vague labels into vivid conversations that reveal compatibility fast. We also get candid about age and timelines, why biology and logistics matter, and how to be compassionate and clear when goals don’t align.

For single dads, this conversation flips the script on “baggage.” Your story is an advantage when you present it with ownership and lightness. We outline how to lead playfully without posturing, answer money/work questions without auditioning, and spot red flags in rigid non-negotiables or identity-first politics. Plus, we offer concrete steps to get off the app and into real life quickly—because attraction lives in person, not in bullet points.

Ready to save time, have more fun, and date with a backbone? Hit play, then share this with a dad who needs it. If it helped, leave a quick rating or drop a comment—we read every one and it helps more dads find the show.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
Hello, and welcome to Dad's Dating After Divorce,
the only podcast dedicated todads traversing the wild and
interesting world of datingafter divorce.
My name is Jude Sandoval.
I'm the founder of The DivorceDava Kit, and my co-host is
Dallas Bluth, dating andrelationship coach from Black

(00:25):
Box Dating.
How are you doing this week,Dallas?
I'm doing fabulous, Jude.

SPEAKER_01 (00:29):
Just got back from a few days up in the mountains.
Wonderful harvest moon.
All the autumn colors.
It was, it's, yeah, I'm feelingrefreshed and recharged and
ready to dive in this morning.
How are you doing, man?

SPEAKER_00 (00:41):
Yeah.
This is this is the best time ofyear.
I love it.
I love it.
It's great being up in themountains.
Yeah, we're planning to get upthis weekend too with the with
the kiddos.
It's just refreshing andawesome.
We live in God's country, so weare truly, truly blessed to be
here.
Not diminish anywhere elseacross the country, but this is
just an amazing place.

(01:01):
So, all right.
Well, let's jump in.
The the topic is decoding whatwomen are putting on their
dating profiles.
Maybe just decoding women ingeneral might maybe be a good
one.
One episode?

SPEAKER_01 (01:16):
Is that all we get to do this in?
One episode?
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (01:19):
That would be a years-long series, I think.
So, and and then yeah, andtrying to yeah, yeah, marry that
with decoding what we'rethinking would be, yeah, pretty
uh we'd we'd solve the world'sproblems, basically, if we could
figure that out.
But we're gonna do it in thecontext of kind of the the
dating profiles and what to whatthat's like because as a

(01:43):
divorced dad, we have a limitedamount of time.
And I've I have found in myexperience with the dating
profiles and also just ingeneral communication that I've
wasted just a ton of time.
So this is this is kind of dearto my heart because I know that
you can you can be moreeffective and more efficient.
And again, you don't know whatyou don't know.

(02:05):
I didn't know.
I wasted a ton of time.
I've learned the hard way.
So that's why I want to to sharethis.
And we've got a really goodexample.
I was doom scrolling last night.
Yes, I do that once in a while,get sucked into the to the
vortex.
And I ran across this anInstagram post about this woman
in San Francisco areas, theSilicon Valley area, who has

(02:30):
she's 41, 42 years old, and shebought a bunch of billboards
across the the metro area there,and she put her picture up with
a website, and her website ismarylisa.com.
And so so those that arelistening, you can you can kind
of follow along.
If you want to stop right now,pull out your phone, go to Mary

(02:53):
Le M-A-R-R-Y, L-I-S-A.com,MaryLisa.com.
You can follow along because ifyou're listening and you're not
watching this, you're not goingto be able to see our examples.
But so she built this website,and her and the whole thing is
she wants to find a husband.
So she has done a marketingcampaign.

(03:15):
Literally, this is this is apretty useful.
The first thing you said is,wow, this is a this is a huge
budget.
Those those those billboards arenot inexpensive, very, very
expensive.
She has done a great job with uhwith videos, with with
photographs, with a niceprofessionally made website.
It's broken down really well.

(03:36):
So I will give her that.
She is she's doing a tremendousjob of marketing herself.
And and and so I want to diveinto it a little bit because I I
just it was very interesting tome to to kind of read through
it.
It basically what it is is it isa it is a much more detailed

(03:56):
dating profile, right?
So those that don't are not yeton dating apps, congratulations,
good for you.
Don't start.
Yeah, don't start.
You can avoid it.
Don't get sucked in, maybe.
But for those of you who are,you know that you kind of each
one each one of the the datingapps has kind of a different way

(04:18):
in which you do it.
But you're basically sharingsome general information about
yourself, and you can go intodetails, you have a bio, all of
that.
So so that is that is good.
And and and what I'll say, andthen and and let's just talk
about the good and bad of thatfirst, because I feel that part

(04:41):
of that is good, but part ofthat is also very limiting
because it doesn't allow theopportunity for exploration,
right?
Exploration and the adventureand the interest in learning
about somebody.
You kind of just you know X themout or swipe left or whatever

(05:03):
they call it because of whateverit might be.
So I I like that it it helps usto connect.
I don't like that it is it canit can be, depending on your
mindset, very limiting.
What are your thoughts aroundit?

SPEAKER_01 (05:18):
We're talking here about the dating platforms in
general and that the apps, yeah.
So the thing about the thestrange phenomenon with the
dating apps is it gives us theillusion of lots and lots of
options.
Emphasis on the word illusion.
There's, you know, dozens,hundreds, you know, of potential

(05:38):
dating opportunities out there,and we are swiping left and
right because we think thatthere is this huge supply there.
When you're in real life, whenyou're, you know, in a
supermarket, in a bar, on thestreet, looking at your
neighbors, you know, friends offriends, looking for who are the
single people, there are notliterally hundreds of options in

(06:00):
front of you.
So to your point, you end upslowing down, you end up taking
more time, and you end up givingmore opportunities and more
attention, and you take moreseriously and you value the
opportunities that cross yourpath.
Where the dating app shows up,it gives you the illusion of
lots and lots of options.
And when we have this hugeabundance, you know, it's you

(06:22):
know, supply and demand.
When there appears to be a hugesupply, the value goes down in
our mind.
We're like, well, there's, youknow, this is like gravel, you
know, this is like sand, there'sthere's just tons of it out
there.
And you don't stop and look ateach individual person with the
same attention, with the samereally value out of the gate.
And, you know, and but at thesame time, like you said, it

(06:45):
does solve a certain problem ofif everyone that was single was
walking around with with a haton that said, I'm single, and we
could identify each other, itwould that would solve the
problem.
That in a sense is what thesedating apps appear to do on the
surface, is they they sift up tothe top of the population, the
people that that are single.

(07:07):
But even with that, you you knowthis.
You go on the dating app, yousee the most attractive
candidates being thrown at youimmediately.
A lot of times they haven't beenon that website in months or
years.
That's the algorithm playing agame in order to get us to be
engaged with it.
Um I can I could go down amillion different rabbit holes
here, so I'm gonna rein it inand ask you which one do we want

(07:28):
to go down first?

SPEAKER_00 (07:29):
We will we'll probably we might do a deep dive
into dating apps at some at somepoint here, because I think it's
it's it's good to demystify andtalk about some of what you
talked about, the algorithms.
There are fake profiles that'sbeen that's been uh discovered
that that many of these appshave fake profiles on them to do

(07:52):
exactly what you described,should show create this uh
feeling of abundance aroundthere.
And and to your point aboutbeing able to identify single
people, that's one of the thingsI think I hear guys say, oh,
that's great.
It it's it saves me the awkwardconversation of, oh, hey, how
are you, how are you doing?
Are you dating anybody?

(08:12):
No, okay, bye.
Like, okay, and and I understandthat, I respect that, but if you
can't get that far in real life,you're gonna get have trouble
even on the dating sites becauseat some point you're gonna have
to you're gonna have to meetthem in in real life.
If if you can't approach andhave a just a few minute
conversation or or aconversation, uh extended

(08:34):
conversation, and then asksomebody if they're single or
ask them out, then yeah, you'vegot more things to work on than
being on on the dating app.
So, all right.
Well, let's well, let's so theother thing I want to premise
this with also is we're we'rereal we're kind we're talking
one-sided here.
We're talking about women andwe're talking about their

(08:55):
profiles, we're talkinggeneralities here also.
So before we start getting anyhate email about, you know,
well, same for men, and dah dahdah, yes, that's true.
There are things, failure tolaunch, like all that stuff too,
right?
Okay, we do, we know that, weunderstand that, we recognize
that, but we're talking aboutone side because our audience is

(09:16):
really looking and needing toknow and understand how to
decode this stuff, what it mightreally mean, how does it save
them time?
How can they really connect?
So that's my disclaimer beforedude also secretly loves hate
mails.

SPEAKER_01 (09:29):
So go ahead and send him all the complaints that you
have.
I know he sends that, but thetruth is he loves it.

SPEAKER_00 (09:35):
Dallas just says that because I am the one that
gets the email.
So anyway, okay.
All right, so I will say thefirst so the first thing, let's
talk about.
She has on her on her site the apage and it just says
non-negotiables, and she has a adetailed list of everything from

(09:55):
a partner, from age, education,politics, physical build.
So what's what is your gutreaction to that?
Is it intimidating, or is thisis this a good thing?
Like she's laying out exactly,and I look at that and I go,
Yeah, not for me.

SPEAKER_01 (10:14):
Yeah, okay.
Well, I'm gonna start with thefact that this is a woman with a
budget, you know, who's youknow, spending literally tens of
thousands of dollars, if notover a hundred thousand dollars,
on a marketing campaign topromote herself.
And then she's saying, These aremy non-negotiables.
Like, I I okay, so I'm I'm justgonna say that that women on

(10:39):
their dating profiles, you know,and even a lot of times on
first, second dates, they loveto throw out this checklist.
This it's gotta be he has to bethis tall, he has to be making
this much money, he has to doit.
And I I there is a mindset, Iguess, that that they're coming
from where this makes sense.
The problem is, those aren't thedudes that they're fucking.
Those aren't the those aren'tthe guys that they're actually

(11:02):
giving their attention to.
So, you know, this is thedifference between stated
preferences and actualbehavioral preferences.
And and the thing is, like, asguys, and this is the real trap,
as a guy, we think, oh, I'msupposed to meet this checklist.
The men that I work with, they,you know, we'll have these
conversations.
We had a Friday night out in thestreet, you know, last week, and

(11:25):
one of the guys was like, So,you know, my home is almost
completely paid off.
I've got this great job, I'vegot this going on, I go to the
gym, I'm dressed up.
He is basically describinghimself in a check checklist
format, and yet he's not gettingthe attention that he wants.
And I told him, I was said, youknow, the checklists are not the
thing that actually create theexperience that gives you the

(11:48):
response you want from a woman.
The checklist is the thing thatcomes later to make sure that
it's to make sure that you'reyou you you're a good fit and a
good compatibility.
But the chemistry doesn't comefrom checking off all the boxes.
The chemistry comes fromstepping past awkwardness, the
chemistry comes from what kindof experience does the woman

(12:08):
have when she's in yourpresence.
Okay, all okay, I'll get off thesoapbox for a minute.
The problem though, and this iswhy the dating apps are so
incredibly frustrating for men,is that on the dating apps, it's
incredibly difficult to not bereduced to a checklist, to not
be your height.
A lot of times I don't thinkpeople put income, but but

(12:29):
certain criteria, it's hard tonot be that on a dating website.
It's hard to not, it's verydifficult on a dating website
for a woman to have anexperience of you immediately.

unknown (12:41):
Right.

SPEAKER_01 (12:42):
That leans into some of the secrets of doing online
dating effectively, which we canget into if you like.
But um but those checklists,guys, absorb them, we use them,
we apply them, thinking that'swhat women want.
But the truth is you can haveall those criteria and should be
like, yeah, but you know, I'mjust not really feeling it.
I'm not really feeling thechemistry.
It's like you can't think thatthose checklists are really

(13:05):
where it's at.
It's not.

SPEAKER_00 (13:07):
So so I appreciated I appreciated this because it
for me helped me rule her outimmediately, right?
Like this having the checklist,I look at and I go, okay,
really, really narrow thoughtprocess, really, maybe maybe

(13:28):
some control issues, maybe likeso, like all these potential
personality traits that I knoware just are not gonna work well
with me.
So in in that context, as as aguy, as a dad, as a busy, I
appreciate I appreciate havingthat that real specific

(13:51):
specifically laid out.
She goes into her politicalbeliefs and that she won't
basically date the other side ofthe political belief.
So it's like, okay, well, thatthat's great.
And and I think there's there'ssomething to that, and that goes
back to to knowing what yourwhat your values are.
And and and the flip side ofthat is sometimes we see these

(14:11):
these bios that say fluent incar uh sarcasm or looking for my
ride or die, or or what'sanother one?
Oh, looking for my partner incrime.
It's like, what the hell doesthat mean?
So so so what does where's whatis the balance?
Where and and let's let's decodeso well, let's decode some of

(14:33):
those some of those lame ones,like looking for the looking for
partner in crime one makes mecrazy.
It's like, what does that evenmean in real world?
Like you're not going on a soyou know, I I actually have a I
actually have a response to someof them that I just mess with
sometimes and and and it talksabout me going on like a crime

(14:54):
spree, and I I need somebody,you know, an attractive woman to
to to man the cattle prod, andand and I send that.
It doesn't get it never gets areally good reaction.
But so so what do you what doyou do with that?

SPEAKER_01 (15:08):
Okay, so can can I go all the way back to eighth
grade here for a second?
I mean, do we really have to dothat?
Well, not in a romantic sense.
It's at this is actually eighthgrade eighth grade English
class.
Oh eighth grade English class,there was something that that my
teacher told us that stuck withme.

(15:28):
It's show, don't tell.
When you say my ride or die, oryou say, you know, I I want my
forever person or whatever,you're telling someone.
You're you're you're you'regiving them words that that that
are labels, essentially.
But what does that actuallymean?
What does that actually feellike?
That what is the illustration?

(15:48):
Show me what I'm actuallystepping into.
And and that is the key to doingeffective online profiles.
My one of my top lines of alltime when when I was doing
online dating, one of my toplines of all time, and women
brought it up constantly, bothin messaging and in real life,
when we would get together, uh,was something to the effect of I

(16:11):
make my bed every morningbecause I like the way it feels
when I crawl into it at night.
Something along those lines.
It was it was more well-wordedthan that.
But it said nothing.
It wasn't like, oh, I'm a veryorganized guy or I'm neat and
tidy.
I I skipped past the descriptorand I gave the illustration.

(16:31):
When you give the illustration,it gives people a concrete
picture of what's in your mind.
And they can try on that pictureand see whether or not that's
compatible with them.
So if somebody's saying a rideor die, you know, that could be
because they want some crazybucket list companion that is
wants to bungee jump off ofevery major bridge in North

(16:53):
America.
Right.
Or it could be a ride or die, asin, I need to know that no
matter what happens in thesesituations, that you will listen
to me.
I mean, ride or die could verymuch be on those two ends of the
spectrum.
And saying a, I would say a coolline, but obviously Jude has

(17:13):
made it clear that it is verynot cool.
You know, but saying some kindof canned line like ride or die,
people think that they're in thegroove, that they're that
they're somehow being expressiveappropriately.
Step past those lines and get tothe illustrations.
So when you're designing yourown profile as a guy, make sure
that you're that you're showingrather than telling.

(17:35):
Don't use canned phrases.
And then on their end, if youcan, or what you you know, get
to the picture behind the wordsto find out whether or not the
compatibility is actuallyactually there.
Right.

SPEAKER_00 (17:50):
So if we're looking at this profile, so opposite
from from from Lisa, who's thethe 42-year-old that that
created this website and kind ofis showing us, she's got a
pretty narrow box, a little shsmall box in which anybody's

(18:10):
going to fit, right?
Could it be could could yousurmise from some of these trite
sayings that that are on therethat maybe that person is the
other end of the spectrum andhasn't quite gone through to
really understand what it isthat they want, right?

(18:30):
We've talked in in multipleshows before, understanding what
your values are, what you'relooking for, how you can be
intentional.
Could could you look at that andsay, okay, well, she's probably
not really honed in on exactlywhat she wants.
And that's not gonna that's notgonna be for me.
Again, you're it's hard todecipher, right?

(18:53):
Could could you say that or oror not?

SPEAKER_01 (18:56):
Well, you uh to some degree you can.
You could say that she hasn'tgotten there, or you can say
that she's come to understandwhat she wants in life and
what's really important.
I mean, you can see it a lot ofways.
The way I choose to see it isthe vibrant woman that is
really, you know, showing whatshe's really after and it's
really attractive.
I she's she's the most desirablewoman out there.

(19:19):
She's the, you know, and she'sopen energetically.
She's the one that's going to beoff the market the fastest.
So the way I see it is womenlike this, it's that that's the
majority of the profiles thatthey write that way.
And again, just to repeat whatyou said, guys, we have our own
set of issues.
We're not just dogging on womensaying all the guys are doing
work.

SPEAKER_00 (19:37):
Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 (19:38):
It is both sides.
But the way I the way I coachmen towards this is okay, so
this woman is not entirelyself-aware of what's actually
going to be effective with her,of what she actually wants to
experience.
That's a sleeping beautyscenario.
She's waiting for the right guyto come in along and give her

(19:58):
the proverbial kiss that wakesher up.
So she's got this huge list.
And so if I'm on a date with awoman that's like, well, I'm
looking for this, and I'm like,okay, cool.
You're looking for it.
That's awesome.
And I'm going to wait untilshe's like, so Dallas, do you
make this much money?
Like, Dallas, you know, do youI'm going to wait until she gets
up the gumption to actually askme directly because I'm not

(20:20):
going to sit there qualifying myresume to her checklist.
That is that is playing intothis limiting and very mental
intellectual rationalizedapproach to it.
She doesn't want a rationalizedintellectual experience on a
date.
She doesn't.

(20:40):
What she wants is a romanticemotional experience on the
date.
She wants to feel like thisguy's a mystery and I'm loving
it.
I, you know, this guy is comingwith all kinds of, you know,
stories and places and thingsthat he's doing, and passions,
and drive, and direction, andeverything.
And suddenly my list feelsreally boring compared to my

(21:04):
experience of this flesh andblood man.
And and but the thing is, that'ssomething you can only really do
in real life.
You can do a little bit overtext, a little bit over the
messages.
But for me, when I see womenthat are doing that, one, I
again, I try to have compassionfor where they're coming from,
that they're like, I'm sick ofguys that don't do this.
That's fine.
You know, they're coming from aplace where this makes sense to

(21:26):
them.
But I'm I'm coming from a placewhere I want her to experience a
vibrant man that isn't that isnot going to sit there and try
to qualify himself against herlist.
If she wants to ask about one ofthem specifically, I'm more than
happy to be honest andtransparent.
But if but if she can't get withthe flow and enjoy, you know,

(21:52):
the playfulness, I don't want tobother going down your list and
and you know answering every oneof the points.

SPEAKER_00 (21:58):
Yeah, well, and to that point, I've one of the
fastest turnoffs for me isstarting to run through that
list when you're just startingto what do you do?
The the the the one that getsme, if it's in the first two or
three months, what do you do forwork?
That makes me crazy when I getthat from a woman.

(22:18):
Because in in my mind, that'slooking at something that's
external.
We're talking about income or orare talking about wealth.
It's it to me, it's essentiallythe same as saying, what are
your measurements?
Right to to her in the firstcouple of minutes, it's it
focuses on something that'stotally external, has nothing to
do with learning who the personis, getting to like anything

(22:40):
around that.
And I it it's that well, thatjust makes me crazy.
Now, now, some of it, so you hiton the fact that maybe she
doesn't quite know.
And so in in this, in thisparticular example where where
it is maybe something that's a avague saying or a vague bio like
that, I'll be honest.

(23:01):
If it it depends on how hot sheis, if I'm gonna give her the
benefit of the doubt, right?
So if she's pretty hot, I'mgonna be like, okay, well, I'm
gonna give her the benefit ofthe doubt.
Maybe she doesn't, maybe shedoesn't have things quite
refined in her mind, or maybeshe even just doesn't know how
to put together a datingprofile.
Because what you just describedof show me, that's not that's

(23:24):
just inherently people justaren't aren't good at marketing
in general, but definitely we'renot good at marketing ourselves
lots of lots of times.
And and so I'll give the benefitof doubt if she's really hot,
right?

SPEAKER_01 (23:35):
Well, yeah, well, and to you, and and that's fine.
And and to your point, if she'sreally hot, she doesn't have to.
Most guys aren't reading theprofile, anyways.
Most guys aren't payingattention, they're not trying to
do it.
She's like, why am I going tobother putting all of this out
there?
I'll just put a few pictures,you know, that guys swipe right

(23:56):
on, and I'll wait for the guythat has cute pictures and
writes back to me, and thenwe'll work out the rest in
person.
It that brings up an importantpoint of how much effort is
somebody really putting into allof this.
Uh, to bring it back to theanomaly though, of the woman
that is like higher, you know,taking out billboards, she must
be, from this criteria and allthe politics and everything, she

(24:17):
must be looking for a 0.5% orless of the male population that
that she's looking to connectwith.
And I'm sorry, like I feel likeshe's whittled, you know, her
material down to a sliver atthis point.
That I feel like that's thething that's probably, you know,
creating the biggest challengeis she's probably too much up in

(24:41):
her head and too dialed in.
It's like we we we have to letthis breathe a certain amount.

SPEAKER_00 (24:49):
We really do.
Yeah, well, and it's I I feel alittle bit sorry for her because
I have experienced and datedlots and lots of women this age
group that have haveexperienced.
One of the things she talksabout is why am I single?
Because that's the question I'msure she gets all the time.
And that's why am I single?

(25:10):
Why have I never married?
Why have I why don't I have anykids?
And she and she goes through allthe reasons of of why she uh why
that's in fact true.
And one of them is let's see ifI can find that here.
Well, maybe not.
One of one of them is that so inmy 20s and 30s, I was focused on
my career, really growing mycareer, doing this, and and and

(25:35):
so it hasn't been something thatis important to me until now.
And she wants to have a family.
So one of the things she talksabout in her bio is it and she
really specifically lays it outin two to three years, I want to
be married and have and starthaving kids.
And she's 42 years old.
So this is already, you know, II remember when Jackson and I

(25:58):
were having our last child, shewas like 35, and they were like,
You're this is they call it ageriatric pregnancy.

SPEAKER_01 (26:05):
Over the age of 35 or 36.

SPEAKER_00 (26:07):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And and I was like, Oh, okay,that's interesting.
I didn't I didn't even knowthat, but I mean, I'm not
supposed to know that, I'm notnot a woman, but this is pretty
this is pretty common.
She's well past that.
And and I've since looked at thestatistics and figures of
getting pregnant or if you haveto do IVF or something like

(26:27):
that.
Like the percentages go so, sofar down for that to happen.
So, so some of this, so I saythat to say some of this stuff
is not is is because I feel likeshe and many other women have
been fed this whole thing, likeyou don't have to worry about

(26:47):
biology.
You don't have to worry abouttimelines and you can have it
all, do it all.
It's the it's the same mentalityof you're you're okay, buddy,
don't worry about it.
Like this, it's just it's justnot how we work physiologically,
biologically.
And and to me, so then to me, Ilook at that and I say, okay,
there's a little bit ofdisconnect of from reality in in

(27:12):
your life here.
Like, not only do you have allthis stringent stuff, and like
you said, you're looking for the0.5.
What you want in a life and alifestyle, probability is is
really, really low that you'regoing to be able to achieve
that.

SPEAKER_01 (27:24):
Well, and and as far as my point of view is when it
comes to family, children,marriage, future, all of that,
that's a that's a two-persondesign.
And she's saying, This is mypicture, and you better be on
board with it.
I mean, yes, okay, you know whatyou want, you know what you're
going, but the more youconstrain that picture, and the

(27:46):
more you demand that another,that the partner conform to it
and fit right into it, you'reyou're diminishing your dating
pool, but you're also like, Iwould look at that and go, like,
geez, how much of a say do Ihave in how any of this is going
to go?
I mean, and and you know, andthat's a turnoff for a man, you
know, to feel like to feel likeyou're you're giving up your

(28:07):
freedoms to someone else'sthat's decided how it's going to
be.
I mean, that's for most men,that's just not going to be very
attractive.
And and to come back to yourpoint, there are certain things
that are realities.
Money is a reality thateverybody has to deal with.
Fitness level, body type, thoseare real things.

(28:27):
For guys, height is a realthing.
There are definitely ways thatyou can get around all of these
elements, but they're real.
And the fact that a woman has abiological clock running, yeah,
that there's this definitely isthere.
And if I'm a man that really,really wants to have children,
the truth is a woman that's 35,32 is going to be more

(28:48):
attractive to me than a womanwho's 40, 42, looking to have
children simply because we havetime on our side.
That and that, and there's notwo ways about it.
We have more breathing room, wehave more options, we have more
things that we can do.
And I I really hope this womanwith the billboard accepts that
and acknowledges that, becausethat that is simply there's

(29:13):
there's a wealth of timeavailable in other women that
that that that she's notbringing to the table.
And you can you can rant andrail and say should all day
long.
It shouldn't be like that, itshouldn't be like that.
But to your point, there arecertain facts that we just can't
change.

SPEAKER_00 (29:29):
Yeah, you you you you can't.
And so part it the other thingthat's a total you you talk
about it being really narrow ina turnoff.
The other thing is there's anapplication process on her site.
So it's like click here to toapply.
And it's like, oh yeah.
Okay.
Number one, any guy that doesthat is not gonna be a self

(29:51):
respecting guy that she's gonnawant to marry.
And and so this is just likeit's just never gonna happen.
But so there's a there's anotherone, and if this one is really.
This is one that's reallypertinent to the divorced dads
listening.
She she puts preferably no kids.
Like that's her statement.
She she says she's looking for aman aged 35 to 45.

(30:13):
Well, which in itself kind ofgoes to this lack of reality, if
you will.
She's 42.
She's looking for a guy sevenyears younger and only like
three years older than her.
That's probably not gonna happenthat's probably not gonna
happen.
35-year-old guys aren't lookingfor 40-some-year-old women to
then have families with and havebabies.

(30:33):
Again, that's that's we'retalking in generalities.
There's maybe some guys thatthat would be.
She's an attractive woman.
I I I I I could give her that,but you know, looking if
somebody's has their valuesdefined and what they want, and
and men, that's she's probablynot falling into to that
category.
But then she says, quote,preferably never married with no

(30:54):
uh with no children.
And so this is a phrase that weget as as divorced dads lots of
times.
So what is she really saying?
Because it says doesn't say nokids, it says preferably no
kids.

SPEAKER_01 (31:09):
I mean, preferably, I guess it means if you I'm I'm
just gonna guess that if youcheck all these other boxes, I
will can still consider you ifyou have these items.
I'm gonna I'm gonna guess ofcourse, but don't expect
yourself to be at the top of thelist.

SPEAKER_00 (31:23):
Yeah.
Is it about is it about nothaving baggage?
Is it is is is that part of itthat she just wants something.

SPEAKER_01 (31:30):
So I what I'm feeling from her is like she
just wants something clean,exactly like the yeah, she wants
a clean slate that she can painther picture onto.
That's that's what I see.
Again, because she has a veryclear picture of what she wants,
what she wants her life to looklike.
I spent my 20s and 30s workingin my career, I've done this,

(31:52):
I've done that, I've done that.
And now what I want the now,what I want the next part of my
life to look like is this.
I'm I'm sorry, I'm just gonnasay that's a rather vain way to
look at your life.
If you actually want to bepartnered up with somebody, it
is a co-created picture of whatlife looks like.
There doesn't feel to me likethere's a whole lot of room.

(32:14):
I I haven't looked at ourwebsite, but there doesn't feel
to me like the whole lot ofinvitation for a man to come in
and speak into what would lookamazing to him.
It just feels like there's maybea five to ten percent margin for
him to kind of like maybe have aman cave in the backyard or
something, like maybe, but butlike that's it.

(32:36):
Like it seems like she has it'slike she's already like painted
95% of the campus, and the guyhas like very little room left
to work with.
And I don't know any man that isthat is attracted to that
situation, right?

SPEAKER_00 (32:54):
And it's unfortunate for her because she is not, so
let's go to themasculine-feminine dynamic.
She's not leaving herself opento to having a man lead and
co-create, create and co-createthat's that environment for her,
which is partly what women want,the sense of adventure and
romance and and all that.

(33:15):
She's got all of this criteriathere.
She's just not open to all that,which is the sexiest, most fun
part of establishing and and andhaving a relationship with
somebody.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (33:30):
Yeah.
I mean, when you come to a date,the the best, the best dates are
you had your checklist, you hadyour questions, she had hers,
and both of you forget themcompletely because you go off on
these amazing spontaneoustangents.
That that's the very best thatyou can.
And again, a woman that thatbrings this checklist to the

(33:50):
table, what I tell the guys isgo ahead and let her say the
checklist, spend it, but don'tplay into it.
Don't feel that you have toanswer all of these.
And she's incredibly rigid aboutcoming back to them.
Well, it I would say be playfulwith it.
You know, and you know, what doyou do for a living if your
answer is well, as little aspossible, to be honest.

SPEAKER_00 (34:10):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (34:12):
I mean, like, you know, it's yeah, I use the
George Capanza, I'm a handmodel.
Yeah, right.
There you go.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (34:18):
And then I just want to see what their reaction is.

SPEAKER_01 (34:21):
Exactly.
Because if they are moreinterested in the checklist than
they are in being playful in themoment, you know, you have to
ask yourself, is this someonethat you really want to be
playing with?
You know?
And at the other side of thespectrum, if you're just a clown
and you really don't take any ofthis seriously and you don't
have your affairs in order, youknow, like when you have a good

(34:44):
job, when you have yourfinances, you know, in order,
then you can kid about it allday long and be playful because
you know there's a foundationunderneath.
You have to start with havingreal answers to these, to these,
all these questions.
Exactly.
And you have your answers thatmake sense to you, but you don't
want to, but you want to inviteher into a playful world to

(35:06):
detach her, break the break thetethers and the moors from the
dock so that the two of you canget out there and actually have
a journey.

SPEAKER_00 (35:14):
Right.
And and let's talk about thatbecause I think that's an
awesome, awesome point, is ifyou know your values, you've got
your life together, to towhatever extent we ever have our
life together, but but you knowwho you are.
Being playful and and having funlike that is is a really great
because so and and and you youyou call it clown, like, but if

(35:35):
you are just a clown and youdon't have, you're gonna have to
show up at some point, and ityou're gonna they're gonna see
through that really quickly.
So so so you can feel confident,and and and I think guys
oftentimes, just because we havethis this linear brain, right?
Compartmentalized brain, don'tdon't allow ourselves to get

(35:57):
into that lightness and thatthat humor, and we might get
into, oh, well, this is achecklist, and okay, well, she's
asking this again, and da-da-da.
Like, try to try to breakthrough.
Some women just have notexperienced a guy that is
comfortable in his skin and isable to lead and wants to have a

(36:18):
healthy relationship, and sothis is her defense mechanism to
to weed out all the clowns,right?
Because you know, there arethere's a lot of us are clowns.
I've been a clown in mylifetime, so I was that person
at at some point too.
So, so so the the and and thenif you start to do that and you

(36:39):
still see that that that realstringent of coming back to the
same question or really tryingto dial it in or trying to see
if they're checking off, thenyou know.
And it's like, okay, this woman,I can't even break through to
get to her to her femininenature so that she can have a
little bit of fun.

SPEAKER_01 (36:55):
Yeah.
This woman is stuck in thecorporate space, you know,
romantically speaking, and we'renever going to get past it.
And some guys, that might bewhat you're looking for, cool,
but but let her go find one ofthose guys if if that's if that
doesn't turn you on.
Yeah.
Coming back to the to theplayfulness side, the re like I
think a lot of men are told todo all the things that we do in

(37:19):
life because this qualifies us.
Literally, like, you are notqualified to have the women that
you want.
You're you're not qualified tohave children, you're not
qualified to feel proud ofyourself, you're not qualified
to feel confident, you're notqualified to have any attention
unless you do these things.
There is there is a plenty oftruth to that.

(37:40):
Uh, you know, a respectable mandoes a certain number of things
in his life, he does them well,and he does them because he
likes the way they make them,they make him feel.
But most men stop at the qual atdoing it because it qualifies
him in life.
The thing that that really helpsmen is when you have when you

(38:00):
have done the work, and a clownis somebody who has not done the
work, who has not, who has notbuilt the character, who's not
taking care of business in hislife.
That's a clown.
Once you've done the work,realize that the humor and and
the playfulness naturallyemerges on top of that because
you know everything's taken careof.

(38:21):
You can mess around, you know,you can go and have a couple of
drinks on the weekend.
You can be playful, you can berowdy because you've taken care
of business during the week.
That's what we're talking about.
When you're on a date, those areyour off hours.
You know, you're there to havefun.
You did your work that qualifiedyou to be there earlier that

(38:42):
week and the years leading up.
And so when you come to the dateand you're wondering, how do I
get to that playful place?
It's because you earned it.
And a man that has earned it,you're it's it's like you've
brought in your big harvest andthere's a feast.
There's plenty to go around andyou get to relax.
You know, we're in the fallseason, you know, feasting and

(39:02):
everything.
Like that's that is what thethat is what playfulness is to a
woman is this man has so muchabundance in all the areas of
his life that he can kick back,be relaxed, and laugh and play
because he knows there is plentystored in the bank, emotionally,
financially, and otherwise.

(39:22):
That's what the playfulness isreally demonstrating.

SPEAKER_00 (39:25):
Well, and and so that that whole qualifying
thing, it and this is a toughone for dads, particularly
because our our self-self-worth, self-esteem, etc.,
has taken a hit going throughthis.
And then there's all you are agreat dating and relationship
coach, but there are a ton ofthem that are out there online,

(39:48):
everywhere, talking about, oh,you got to get jacked, or oh,
you got to be making, you know,level up to X dollar amount, et
cetera.
And so so what happens is westart to think about that in the
context of qualifying ourselves.
And I would just say to theencourage the dads, listening,
stop qualifying yourself.

(40:09):
Don't think about it in terms ofthat, but think about it what
you just described, which is doI have a vision and direction
for my life?
Okay, so yeah, okay, you wentthrough a divorce, life has
changed exponentially, it's verydifferent.
The the relationship that youonce thought was gonna be for
the rest of your life is nolonger, that's that's difficult,

(40:30):
but you have a have a vision ordirection.
So know what it is that you wantto accomplish in dating.
Know what it is that you wantthat's gonna be different this
time in in this relationship,and then you bring you bring
that, and then the the thenyou're not qualifying yourself,
you're you're inviting, like youalways say, you're inviting that

(40:52):
person to that vision anddirection for for your life.
And that's gonna be differentfor it's different for Dallas
compared to to Jude, right?
It's different.
I always I am I always use thethe example like uh it's
different between a Tom Bradyand a Prince, right?
Like Tom Brady was the athlete,stud, great look.
Prince was just this little guy,but he was and and kind of weird

(41:17):
looking, like and and and andvery you know very exotic and
different.
But man, did he get a lot ofchicks, right?
And and so, but but and you canno guy can deny that he was a
stud, right?
But he was like whatever, fivefoot eight and wore purple and
and fluffy shirts.
And so the the point being isdon't qualify yourself to all

(41:40):
this other crap that's that'sgoing in or out there.
Qualify to you qualify yourselfby creating your vision and
direction in your life, and thenyou go out there, and guess
what?
There are gonna be women thatare gonna be attracted to that.
It's not gonna be every woman,so you're gonna get a lot of
no's like I get a ton of no's,right?
Yeah, but that's okay becausethat just that weeds it out

(42:02):
faster, right?
You don't want the no's.
That that creates the problem ityou just got out of, which is
your divorce, right?
Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 (42:09):
Yeah, and to bring it back to the dating profiles,
they've shown statistically, youdon't want to create, you don't
want to attempt to create auniversally compatible profile
because that actually doesn'tget much of a much of a
response.
Like you're it's not a lot ofnegatives, but it's not a lot of
strong positives either.
When you essentially arerepulsive to a certain amount of

(42:30):
the crowd because you're showingwho you really are, you end up
being highly attractive toanother part of the crowd.
And the net gain is actuallyquite worth it.
Um let me let me also bring backto it.

SPEAKER_00 (42:41):
I just want to point out guys that are listening,
Dallas is world renowned for thethe online dating stuff in his
profile.
So he really, really knows whatwhat he's doing.
And maybe we'll do a wholeepisode on that one day about
your experience, what you'vedone with it, and and why you
bring such a vast amount ofknowledge with it.
But I just want to say that ifyou if you Google him, you'll

(43:03):
you'll see what what what I'mtalking about.
There's you know, there's beenthere's been shows about uh
about Dallas and awards, and Idon't know, is there a is there
a is there a Dallas Bluth onlineprofile award somewhere out
there?
We should start one of those.

SPEAKER_01 (43:17):
I don't know, dude, but you're definitely gonna get
me in hot water.
You're definitely gonna get mein hot water.
So I want to bring it backthough to to the single dads and
that that have this doubt intheir mind about you know their
own what they're bringing to thetable.
And I would here's the challengethat I would put out to every
single dad listening to thisepisode.

(43:38):
Every woman is, she respondsaccording to the experience that
we're giving her.
And as a single dad, you arebringing certain qualities as a
man to the table that a manthat's never had children and
never been married cannot bringto the table.
A man that's never been marriedcan bring certain elements.
Look, I'm a clean slate, youdon't have to worry about all of

(43:59):
this stuff.
And also, maybe I'm not ready toget married, maybe I'm not that
type, maybe I never will.
That's all part of the neverbeen married, don't have
children crowd of men.
For the single dads coming toit, realize that, yeah, I've
been around, I've been, I'vebeen, you know, banged or banged
up a little bit because I'vebeen through a divorce.
And you know what?
I really know where I stand now.

(44:21):
That is a highly attractivetrait.
And when you can share that witha woman and she can experience
it, her shoulders will drop.
She will exhale, she will belike, this guy has been there.
He the the the rosy-coloredglasses have been broken at this
point.
This man understands what it isto be a father.

(44:43):
He understands theresponsibilities.
Heck, if I've never been marriedand never had kids, this guy's
going to be able to help us getthrough this in ways that a guy
that's never been through it,you know, can't.
Realize that these are alltraits and qualities that you as
a single dad have, that the guysthat don't have children and

(45:04):
have never been married don't.
And and and when you when youcan focus those, channel those,
when you can see those as waysthat you can deliver an
experience to this woman thatonly a single dad can, that's
going to give you a competitiveedge in the marketplace for
certain women.

SPEAKER_00 (45:24):
Yes.

SPEAKER_01 (45:25):
Lean into it.
It's part of who you are, useit.

SPEAKER_00 (45:29):
Absolutely.
And in I encourage guys whenthey're having the conversations
about their past relationship orthe or their divorce to speak to
speak to it in a positive mannerbecause that is exactly so, and
and it's not it's not even aspoken thing that you have to
what you describe.
Well, like I've been through abattle and I'm resilient,

(45:50):
da-da-da.
Like they know it.
They you just if you're showingup and you're like, yeah, this
is what happened, this is whatit was through, and and then you
have this lightness and thispositivity about a potential new
relationship.
They're like, wow, this guy'sbeen through a like a war,
right?
Or a battle or whatever.
He's come out, he's survived.

(46:11):
You know, it's like the the thisis a bad this is maybe gonna get
me in trouble this this now.
It's like coming like militarythat used to come back from
battles, right?
Like they came back and theypersevered, and that was
attractive, right?
Like you've been through abattle, it's not the same,
obviously, but but that just thehindbrain of women is just

(46:32):
that's gonna register, and youdon't have to have to talk about
all the difficulties that you'vebeen through or anything else.
They're just gonna in it's justgonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 (46:42):
Well, you want a seasoned player on your team,
not a rookie.
Yeah, you know, you don't wantthe guy coming in, it's his
first season.
Yeah, put me out there, comeswinging the bat, missing, too
exciting.
You want the seasoned playerwho's been through it, you know,
who's had the hard season, who'shad the wins.
And you know, and that's part ofthe culture, you know, in that

(47:02):
dugout is you've got theseasoned players helping the
rookies, you know, really,really, you know, step into to
where they need to be.
And when you're a single dad,you're seasoned.
You know, coming back to theslow cooker, you know, episode,
it's like you've been slowcooked, my brother.
Yeah, like you know, you've beenseasoned at this point.
Bring that richness, it isrichness.

(47:22):
Bring that richness to the tableand present it that way.
She might not have ever eventhought of it that way, but when
you own it and you bring it tothe table, and last thing, like
you said, when you haveprocessed things inside of you
and you can get to a place oflikeness where you're no longer
bitter, talking about the pastexperience, and you go, yeah,
that probably wasn't such a goodidea, and you can laugh about it

(47:46):
while still takingresponsibility.
Again, that that shows a levelof maturity that us guys that
don't have kids and never beenmarried, we cannot demonstrate.

SPEAKER_00 (47:57):
Yeah.
So let's put a bow on this.
Preferably, if you seepreferably, can we say that that
means there's open opportunity?
Basically, because there's allthese checklists.
If you're hitting most of thesechecklists, the preferably
means, yeah, there's, you know,like like I was saying, well, it

(48:18):
depends on how hot she is,right?
Like there's a you know,preferably, it preferably means
okay, like you're gonna have tohit some other criteria,
probably, but there's anopening, so don't rule yourself
totally out.

SPEAKER_01 (48:31):
Yeah, I absolutely don't rule yourself out.
And I'm gonna come back to it ofdon't get don't get overly
overly caught up in trying toqualify yourself to her list.

SPEAKER_00 (48:41):
Yeah, true.

SPEAKER_01 (48:42):
That's in a passive following role.
If if she's hot enough, ifyou're attracted to her, if you
want to take a swing, take yourswing.
Now, if there's something thatmust be on her list, you should
probably throw it, hey, by theway, I already have kids or
whatever it is.
Just put it out there as a as asa as a matter of honesty.
You want to put it out there.

(49:03):
But you do not need to qualifyyourself to women.
You you simply don't.
It's this isn't a matter of youtrying to sign up for a job and
bring everything to the table.
The real criteria is how doesshe feel when she's in your
presence?
That is the real criteria thatmatters.
Step there first.

(49:23):
Yeah, so oh, pref prefer this,prefer that.
It's like, well, why don't yousee how hard you're laughing
when you're when once you'vebeen with me for 12 minutes, and
then we'll decide how much thatpreference is really important
to you.

SPEAKER_00 (49:36):
Yeah, yeah, that's that's funny.
Okay, I want to hit on just acouple more, a couple more
things.
One is the the the kind oflifestyle and core value
alignment thing.
You get you get profiles thatare listed like active, right?
Does that mean you need to be amarathon runner?

(49:56):
Like, is it about shared energy,a willingness to get just will
you get off the couch?
Like, what does what does thattruly mean in a relational
context?

SPEAKER_01 (50:07):
Yeah.
I I mean, again, show, don'ttell.
Active, what does that mean?
For me, active is literallybuilding rock walls in the
mountain.
I don't think anyone else liftsrocks, digs them up, puts them
in wheelbarrows, and stacks theminto walls.
I don't think that's anyoneelse's definition of active, but
I can tell you it is veryactive.
Yeah.
These are we we have to see thisas these are generic words, and

(50:30):
we're looking for specific,concrete examples.
And and and and again, genericthe the the right way to do
this, this is what all thecoaching is about, is the all of
these are opportunities.
When a woman says activelifestyle, and you throw in
there, you know, well, you know,and you throw in there two or
three concrete specific onesthat are at polar ends of what

(50:52):
active could look like.

SPEAKER_00 (50:54):
Yes.

SPEAKER_01 (50:54):
And and and you make her laugh because she's laughing
at the fact that she was sogeneric and left it so broadly
open, you know, to so manydifferent options.
Again, you've stepped right pastthe generic boring label, and
you're already into a sharedexperience through through your
concrete imagery that you'reproviding, even in a first

(51:15):
message.
Yeah.
So what I'm hearing a lot aboutgeneric labels.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (51:20):
Yeah.
Well, that's what I'm that'swhat I'm hearing a lot from you
with some of these profiles thatare are generic or maybe not
very well well written, is don'tget don't get too caught up into
them, but you can you canmitigate and try to dive deeper
into it through some simpleconversation.

(51:42):
And that might be, we might getinto how to do that through
messages and and talking.
Ultimately, here's the thing,guys.
Get in front of the get infront, get together with the
person.
That's going to be the way to doit and to learn about them and
to to really see if there's anyopportunity.
So all the rest of this, all therest of this stuff is semantics

(52:05):
for getting in front of theperson.
So I just want to leave that outthere.

SPEAKER_01 (52:11):
Yeah, and and every one of these women that's
writing a profile that againfeels generic, they feel like
you know, large labels, everyone of them, they're in they're
in single mode.
They're in the mode of a womanthat is not in a relationship,
which is not going to be verymuch in her feminine.
When you meet her in person,when you interact with her over
text, and you show up with avery attractive lead, you're

(52:33):
going to shift her into adifferent mode.
And suddenly the words are goingto change, the labels are going
to change.
And this is what I call asleeping beauty scenario.
When you show up with the righthumor, when you show up with the
right confidence, when you showup with the right energy, what
was a boring profile becomes avibrant woman.

SPEAKER_00 (52:54):
Yes.

SPEAKER_01 (52:55):
That's that most of these women are to certain guys,
they are sleeping beautieswaiting to be woken up.
So don't like, oh, well, she'snot all that.
It's like, dude, if she is allturned on and amazing, she ain't
gonna be single for long.
She's she's gonna be swept up bysome other guy really, really
quick.
You have to realize this isfruit that is higher up in the

(53:17):
tree and maybe not fully ripe,but you have the effective
capacity to wake her up and takeher from a generic place to a
vibrant, sexy place.
Okay, so is that true?

SPEAKER_00 (53:31):
This is the this so this is the final one, and it's
probably the hardest one.
And we don't have a ton of timeto get into it, but is that in
fact true when you get thepolitical statements on on a on
a on a profile?
The the if you are a blank swipeleft, or you know, this has

(53:53):
become a real prominent filterand and and not even just a
filter.
It used to just be a filter.
Now I see on lots of women's,it's like if you are this, like
no, and I think that's prettyclear, right?
But what about if they're not inthe same alignment as you are

(54:13):
politically?

SPEAKER_01 (54:14):
So I think for a lot of people, okay, so if someone
feels strong enough aboutpolitics either way, to put it
way out there, like no Trumpsupporters.
If you voted for Trump, I neverwant to talk to you.
You know, that's a that's atypical line that's out there.
What whatever the politicalslant is, if it's strong enough
that they're putting on theirprofile, it's clearly a part of
their self-identity.

(54:36):
It is part of how they seethemselves and who they see
themselves to be.
So that's not just a wake themup situation.
That is something where thatthey derive strength from about
themselves.
I would ask yourself, how muchif if that re well, I would
really ask yourself, does thatidentity in a woman turn you on?

(54:57):
Is that something that youreally want as a man?
Never mind the fact that shemight be yelling at you for your
for your beliefs or your actionsor whatever.
Like, never mind that part.
Ask yourself, do I want to bewith a woman that that is being
so vocal and so so, again,strongly identifying with that
particular position?
If you're like, great, yeah,because we have the same views,

(55:19):
wonderful.
Go go off, have little babiesthat have the same points of
view, great.
But if but if she's at theopposite end of the spectrum and
it's a turn-off to you,recognize that it's a turnoff
and don't try to have thisuphill battle of trying to
change her identity and politicsto be what you are.
Dude, swipe left and filter herout.
And you're filtering out fromyour side.

(55:41):
This isn't she disqualified you.
She showed you who she is.
You're disqualifying her becauseshe turned you off.

SPEAKER_00 (55:48):
Right.
Well, and that goes back to youknow what you were saying, which
is it's okay because when you'refiltering out yourself or
others, that's opening you to beyou know open and and attractive
to some other some othersegments that really is looking
for what it is that that thatyou are.
So don't feel this there's thisscarcity mentality lots of time,

(56:12):
but I feel like divorced dadsget into it and be like, oh, but
she's so hot.
It's like, okay, but you'relike, trust me, if if you
haven't figured that out andyou've been through a divorce,
you've got a lot more work todo.
Just just be okay.
There are more women out there,I promise you.

SPEAKER_01 (56:29):
Okay, let me let me just put it out there.
There is no, I'm I this is notscientifically proven, but we
all know it.
There is no correlation betweenhow hot a woman is and how hot
sex with that woman is.

SPEAKER_00 (56:41):
Very true.

SPEAKER_01 (56:43):
No correlation whatsoever.
As men, we're attracted to butwhat looks hot and and and we
and we we're like, oh, we'regonna have that.
Once you get there, there is nocorrelation.
Sometimes it's hot, butsometimes it's not, but there is
no direct correlation betweenhow hot a woman appears to us
and how hot the actual sexualexperience and other experiences

(57:04):
are with a woman.
For me, I want to be having hotsex with a woman.
And, you know, and part of thatis her physical attractiveness.
But ultimately, being with a hotwoman that is like, yeah, okay,
there's consent, and yeah, okay,we're kind of getting it worked
out, but it's not really hot.
I don't see the appeal.
I really don't.

(57:25):
And when I talk with my clientsand they finally land with women
that, you know, that that itfinally clicks with, half the
time it's not who they thoughtit would be, but they're in a
place that they couldn't evenimagine be fe being feeling with
with the hotness of thechemistry going back and forth.

SPEAKER_00 (57:42):
Right.
And so for me, with the thepolitical thing, I feel like if
they are putting out there sowhat you just what we described,
which is real clear statements,it that just disqualifies,
right?
So that's that's easy.
The the as far as aligning oneway or another and and and

(58:05):
putting that on your profile,for me, that that also, because
there's some there's somespecific things that are in
there that are in uh alignmentwith a political party that are
value-based.
And and so typically, now thatdoesn't mean that that doesn't
mean see, and and this is whereit gets dicey, I think, Dallas,

(58:26):
is I think 80% of all people,whatever party they're in, agree
on most things in life, right?
So, so the problem in in thiswhole polarization is that
you're ruling out all thesepeople that 80%, if if you could
80% is a good percentageanywhere.
Baseball, gambling, like thoseare good percentages, and we're

(58:49):
ruling so many of them out.
Now, so that that that is that'sa struggle that that I have
sometimes, all although ifthey're putting out like I'm
this or I'm that, it usuallymeans that there are some core
values.
Now, there's other core valuesthat that align more importantly

(59:12):
for me to to to the person,their their faith.
For me, it's is it's faith, isuh is a real big one because
that's a that's a whole becauseI've created my lifestyle around
that, right?
So it goes to what I've createdand what I've envisioned in the
direction that I have in in mylife.
But I do feel that if I do seeone or the other on there, that

(59:35):
those those do correlate to avalue, but maybe not rule them
completely out because I haveactually dated actually many
women that that would say thatthey're on the the different end
of the political politicalspectrum than than I was, and
we've had good relationships.

(59:56):
Now, the thing was is in veryhot sex, but But the thing was,
is it wasn't enough to get thatto the point where it was going
to be totally in alignment.
So wrap us up with that.
Like you don't want to rule out80%.
You probably have a lot a lot incommon, but maybe not.

(01:00:20):
Is there a so like how do youdecipher that?
That's what I'm asking.
That's a tough one.

SPEAKER_01 (01:00:25):
Yeah, okay.
So when people are veryblatantly strongly identifying
with it and they're loudlyplayed, you know, pasting on
their page where they are, trustyourself.
Is that a turn-off for you or aturn-on for you?
And that's an easy swipe left orright.
I think to your point, we needto realize that there's a lot of
interpretation, gray area, who aperson really is.

(01:00:46):
In economics, they talk aboutheuristics.
And in the economic context,heuristics is a mental shortcut
that we make.
You know, sort of like what youwould call a rule of thumb.
You can basically know that, youknow, saving uh 10% out of your
retirement out of your paycheckevery month is your for
retirement is a good thing todo.

(01:01:07):
You haven't done all the math.
You haven't gone all the waydown to necessarily work it all
out.
You just trust the rule ofthumb.
You're trusting the mentalshortcut, the heuristic of it.
Well, heuristics can definitelyget in your way when you talk
about something like politics,because it's like, oh, well,
you're Republican.
And I'm using that as a mentalshortcut, a heuristic, to
disqualify people because Iassume that means a whole bunch

(01:01:30):
of things.
In a dating context, unlesssomeone is really strongly
identifying and publishing bigbillboards about it, unless
someone's doing that, you don'twant to apply these heuristics.
You don't want to makeassumptions about the whole
person.
You want to get to know theperson, be honest as the person

(01:01:50):
reveals themselves, but you wantto get to know the person to see
where the compatibilities andincompatibilities actually fall.

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:58):
Right.
And this also is predicated uponwhat is it that you're looking
for while you're dating, too.
So if you're looking for along-term relationship, like,
you know, to bring it back tothe Lisa lady, and it's real
specific and she wants to havekids and et cetera, then and and
she describes herself as aspecific, has a specific bent,
and she's not completelynon-religious.

(01:02:20):
So then you might know, okay,yeah, that you can use that
heuristic because as a dad, Idon't want to waste too much
time.
It's pretty clear that she's notin alignment.
It's if if at best it's going tobe something short-term, which
if that's what you're doing andyou're open about that and
that's your intention, that'sfine.
But also be clear with theperson.

(01:02:40):
But if you're looking, she wantsa relationship, she wants kids
in a family, if that's what youwant to, it's probably not going
to work out.
So you can use that heuristic.

unknown (01:02:50):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:50):
And and if you are, and if you're a dad and you
haven't figured out those valuesyet, that's what Jude is
particularly good at is helpingto rebuild those building blocks
from the ground up to put yourlife back in order so that you
know what is really mostimportant to you when you're
going out on the dating scene.

SPEAKER_00 (01:03:08):
Thank you, Dallas.
Yes, that is true.
Maybe we can wrap it up withthat.
And and I will say then when youare you're getting into the
dating pool again, there'snobody better than than Dallas
to help you.
Not only, and and so this is thething.
We talk about quote unquotedating coaches, but you know,
what we talk about a lot is uhapproaching, et cetera.

(01:03:29):
What you do a ton of isrelationship, like in the
relationship, which is is hugeand is is I would argue the most
difficult and challenging thing.
So so even guys, if you aredating somebody now, I want to
point out that Dallas is a greatresource for you to be able to

(01:03:50):
get to whatever level you arelooking to get to in that
relationship.
It's not just finding thatrelationship, it's helping you
in that relationship too.
And and maybe we need to hit onthat a little bit more, but talk
about that if you want, but alsolet let everybody know how they
can get a hold of you.

SPEAKER_01 (01:04:08):
Yeah, one of the one of the things I love is that
when I'm working with a manthat's single and then he begins
dating, and then I check in withhim, and I'm like, so you still
gonna hang out?
He's like, Dallas, I need whatyou're doing now more than ever,
because I want to continue thethings I was doing right into
the relationship.
Yeah, it's you know, I've I'veI've worked with people that are

(01:04:28):
married, I've worked with peoplethat are engaged, and you know,
their fiance is gettingpregnant, and where, you know,
where is this gonna go?
And they're coming up with newchallenges.
That is all part of it.
Dating is really that's the hookwhere we start.
But yeah, it goes in further.
So, and um, check out the uh themen's coaching program,
blackboxdating.com.
That'll give you all thedetails.

(01:04:48):
And if you're in the Denver arealast Friday, Saturday of every
month, we actually hit thestreets live and go through all
this stuff and um even go up andtalk to women together.
So, yeah.
Jude, awesome.
How can people know more aboutall the wonderful services that
you provide?

SPEAKER_00 (01:05:02):
Divorced or divorcing dads, check out the
divorced advocate.com.
We've got resources for youwherever you're at in the
process and whatever you mightneed.
So the divorced advocate.com.
All right, Dallas.
Well, I said I was gonna keep itunder an hour and I failed to do
that again as the co-host.
So we're gonna have to I'm gonnahave to get better at my man.

(01:05:25):
There's just so much to talkabout with this.
It's just and and you and I aresuch geeks on this stuff that we
could probably just keep talkingforever and ever.
But hey, appreciate all yourpros and wisdom.
It was another great episode.
If you found some value in this,guys, please share far and wide
on social media, give us a starrating, or even better, give us
some comments.

SPEAKER_01 (01:05:46):
Yep, and all that hate mail, send it right over to
dude.
He loves to get it.
And until then, we will uh talkto you next week.
All right.