18 - From Availability To Attraction

Ever get a “let me check my schedule” that drifts into silence? We unpack why availability feels confusing, how to read it without taking it personally, and what to do instead of pushing for a plan. Our focus: inviting, not burdening. You’ll learn how to craft vivid, low‑pressure invitations, keep your energy consistent after the first spark, and swap the effort mindset for a cleaner metric—response. If the invitation is clear, authentic, and playful, the yes becomes obvious. If it isn’t, you have your answer.

We dive into the difference between busy and disinterested, the cyclical nature of feminine energy, and why compassion is a secret performance enhancer for men. When you accept cycles, you let the pressure out of the system, which ironically makes you more attractive. We also take aim at dating apps: they create an illusion of infinite options, but most are low quality. One embodied ask in real life can outmatch a hundred messages online. We share practical first‑date ideas that feel “exotic” without being expensive—think uncommon presence, not Paris.

Consistency is everything. If you show up charismatic once and go bland over text, attraction fades. Keep the same authentic voice in your follow‑ups so she trusts this is who you are. We cover how to speak from the heart when availability wanes: affirm the good, say what you miss, and invite a return to it without blame. And we underline a crucial mindset shift for divorced dads—be on mission. When your life has purpose beyond dating, your presence feels grounded and women can lean into choosing you.

If this resonates, hit follow, share it with a friend who’s back in the dating world, and leave a quick review. It helps more dads find the tools to date with clarity, courage, and real connection.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
Welcome to this week's episode of Dad's Dating
After Divorce.
My name is Jude Sandval.
I am the founder of The DivorceAdvocat, and my co-host today is
Dallas Bluth.
Today and every day, every week.
Dallas Blut, the founder ofBlack Box Dating.
How are you doing today, Dallas?

SPEAKER_00 (00:21):
I'm doing fabulous, Jude.
It's uh great to be back herefor yet another week of talking
about dad's dating and all thecraziness that goes into it.

SPEAKER_01 (00:32):
Oh man, it's crazy.
It's yeah, it is definitelycrazy.
I've got some fun, interestingstuff that's this happened this
week.
I don't know if we'll jump intoit, but but uh what I do what I
would like to talk about iswe've we've been we've been
talking a lot about kind oftheory and strategy and getting

(00:54):
your values in line and stuff.
I wanted to talk a little bitmore in practicality of like
what you're doing within thecontext of a relationship and
and talk about two specificthings, which is one
availability and two energy.
And when I say energy, not justlike the energy of like the

(01:16):
person's bubbly or whatever, butthe energy that somebody is
putting into or not putting intoor effort, okay.
Maybe we say maybe we put itthat availability and effort
instead of energy.
How about that?
Availability and effort thatthey're that they're putting
into a potential relationship,dating a potential relationship,

(01:38):
or during a relationship.
Because that's gonna probablydiffer and and vary, but I think
in the beginning, you can kindof get a sense of what that
might be in the relationship.
So let's let's let's start offwith the with the availability
thing, because this is afrustration that I hear from
dads lots of times.

(02:00):
So they've we've talked aboutdoing the work, getting yourself
in a good place, creating theenvironment in your life.
And I hear guys that are like,yep, you know, I'm post-divorce,
I've taken the time, and I'vegot my life in order, I've done
my co-parenting.
Well, I've got everythingaligned, my job is good, or my
my business, etc.

(02:22):
And maybe I meet somebody and Iget their number, or if you're
on the apps and you you matchwith them, and then you start to
try to coordinate, maybe justeven that simple first get
together, which as far as I'mconcerned, should be kind of
low-key and no pressure, andjust kind of see if you you you

(02:42):
like the person, and you're metwith like, oh, I'll check my
schedule, or let me get back toyou, or I've got uh the third,
the third Thursday of of themonth's ending in Y, and that
would be three months from now.
You know, so just uh a lack ofof availability, and so just so

(03:06):
first off, just give me some ofyour do you get that too from
from from from guys that thatyou're working with too?

SPEAKER_00 (03:13):
Oh yeah, yeah.
The the availability piece andit um and the hard part about it
is we don't know how much of itis genuine lack of availability,
how much of it is a lack ofinterest, how much of it is a
matter of them just being kindof wrapped up in themselves and
what they're doing, and they getso many invitations, you know,
to go out that you know theydon't really care, you know, how

(03:37):
polite they are or respectful inin doing it.
And it and it's it's really,really hard to know from the
outside what situation we'relooking at.
They could be an incredibly busywoman on a professional, you
know, level.
They could be a single mom thathas kids and they've got the and
they've got those kids anywherefrom 50 to 100% of the time, and

(03:57):
they they they don't have a lotof time.
And and that this is the hardthing when we're talking about
just meeting somebody is youhave no idea what the story
really is.
You know, them them not beingavailable could be everything
from they really are book solidto they just got burned and they
don't want to put themselvesback out there.

(04:19):
And so what it comes to, theonly solution I have found is
that as men, we have to absorbthe cost of that up front, not
in an indefinite way, not going,you know, we don't want to be a
doormat, we don't want to be anice guy, we don't want to be
100% adaptive, but we have toacknowledge that somebody's
gotta, you know, somebody'sgotta spend a little bit in the

(04:41):
beginning.
And I see it as a man is we haveto be a little more open-minded,
a little more adaptive, a littlemore just just add a little bit
of allowance in there becausenobody knows the other person
when you're starting out.

SPEAKER_01 (04:54):
Yeah.
I so I used to get reallyannoyed about this in in in the
beginning, but then I well, thenI started maturing in how I
dating, number one.
But number two, I started askingmore and more questions about
the leading questions.
Well, help me understand whatyour dating life looks like,
what's your availability?

(05:15):
And what I seem to find is, andwe've talked about this lots of
times, women just look at thingsand approach the world in
different ways.
Men are very linear andorganized.
And I want to go on a date, I'mgonna I'm gonna date three times
a week, and I'm gonna do onelunch, one like they really have
specific laid-out plans.

(05:36):
And and I what I started tofind, and this is this is just
my experience, but I want tohear because you work with way
more, you know, way more guysdating, that women just have not
even thought through it.
I'd I'd ask and I'd say, so whatis what is your vision for for
dating?
And if we were to get intothey're like, you know, blank's
there.
I don't I don't have any idea.

(05:57):
And so so is that do you do youfind that that's that's also
that that's true?

SPEAKER_00 (06:02):
Yeah, that is well, some women that do get very
intentional about how they'regonna do it, like our last
episode, that turns intochecklists.
That turns into them being verypredetermined and almost
headstrong about what it's gonnalook like.
I've found that you know, womenthat are in a good place,
they're they respond to the toan effective stimulus from the

(06:26):
right guy.
They're waiting for the rightguy to come along, they're
waiting for the right invitationto come in to come along,
they're waiting for the rightvibe to come along.
And when it does, suddenlythey're available, suddenly they
have time in their calendar,suddenly they they can they can
afford a babysitter, suddenlyeverything starts to work out
when when they're responding tothe right invitation from the

(06:49):
right guy.
To come back to your own point,yeah, go ahead.
Well, that's a good point.

SPEAKER_01 (06:54):
So from a from uh like a practical standpoint in
approaching women or asking themout on on dates, then does that
mean if she's giving you thewell, let me check my schedule
and she doesn't get back to you,or she's slow or she's vague, or

(07:17):
or it's really not, should youjust let it go?
Because you it's probably not,you're probably not the one that
she's looking for, or what it'sjust not gonna happen, or how do
you press into that if she's ifshe's doing all those things
that are just like, okay, well,I'm asking y'all, I'm taking
because you know we take we takeand we're gonna talk about this

(07:38):
with with the effort part of itafter, right?
Is uh is we take all the risk upfront, really.
And and and so if so, how far dowe press into that before we
say, oh, okay, it's just is notgonna happen.

SPEAKER_00 (07:54):
So I I would I would say press into it is not the
energy that I would look at.
I would say how strongly do wewant to invite her?
Because and again, maybe this issemantics, but my one rule in
dating that I share with everyman that I work with is don't
burden the woman.
If you're pressing into her, ifyou're leaning into her, if

(08:15):
you're creating a weight andshe's feeling the pressure, that
is just gonna cause everythingto close up more with her, and
it's not gonna lead to what youwant.
Now, if you want to invite moreboldly, if you want to invite
more exotically, you know, to,you know, oh, I'm I was thinking
of taking a day trip down hereor I was gonna do it.
And, you know, you you make youryou have to the first question

(08:37):
you have to ask is what is theinvitation that I'm extending
it, that I'm extending, and two,what is the energy and state of
the man, me, that's extendingthat invitation?
Those are the two things thatthe woman is going to respond
to, yes or no.
Brad Pitt shows up and invitesyou to go to the you know to
Paris for the weekend, women aregonna probably gonna say yes.

(09:00):
That's just how that works,because it's the man that's
showing up and it's and it's theinvitation that he's extending.
Well we we might not be BradPitt as far as fame and fortune
goes, but that doesn't mean wecan't be Brad Pitt as far as
energy and as far as howenticing and and and engaging

(09:21):
and exotic the invitation canbe.
So Okay, let's stop right let'sstop right there because I'm I
I'm really curious about this.

SPEAKER_01 (09:30):
How exciting and exotic can I make like a first
intro date?
Like let's just say we metsomebody, you talked a little
bit, you got her number, andthen you're you're you're you're
reaching out or you're meet onlike what is like what is that?
What is an exotic coffee datelook like or or just meet for
drinks or whatever?

SPEAKER_00 (09:51):
Help me out.
Help us out with that.
I I'm I'm so glad that I metyou.
No, really, I mean, I you know,like I don't often feel this way
when I talk with somebody and Ireally want to get to know you
more.
What are you doing on Saturday?
Would you like to grab a wouldyou like to have coffee with me?
That is exotic because it'sauthentic.

SPEAKER_01 (10:13):
Okay, so not exotic, not exotic plans like Paris,
coffee in Paris for a first day,not exotic locations or or
design, it like an exoticinvitation that that that brings
her that draws her into you toyour energy.

SPEAKER_00 (10:34):
Yeah, so by exotic, I mean not normal.
Exotic is other than thestandard normal.
If I'm like, hey, yeah, so doyou want to have coffee
sometime?
That's just normal energy that99% of the guys, that's what it
feels like when they ask themout.
But I am like, you know, it'sbeen so fun chatting with you
here.
Normally I don't laugh this muchin line when I'm getting two

(10:56):
things at Walmart.
But gosh, you are so much fun tobe around.
I would really love to see youagain.
Would you like to have coffee?
And then, so that's that's theexotic part of me as a man being
vulnerable and showing, youknow, showing a certain energy,
a certain presence in themoment.
The other part of the exoticnessis, I would say, the playfulness

(11:17):
behind it.
I'd be like, hey, have you everhad coffee at a mini golf place?
There's I know it sounds weird,but I found this place up on the
north end of Denver.
It's like, it sounds odd, Iknow, but I I went there one
time, it was totally cool.
Do you want to come check it outwith me?
Again, we're not talking Paris,we're not talking something, you
know, super exotic, but I'mbeing playful.
What we're doing, why we'regoing.

(11:39):
It's like, well, yeah, so what'swhat part of town are you in?
You know, like, oh, there's a,you know, I'll find a coffee
shop.
Like, there's nothing exoticabout that.
But if I if I tell them, youknow, there's this traditional
tea place, like they have allthese weird things, or it's
like, you know what, I don'tactually drink coffee or tea,
but I love juice.
There's this, there's this, youknow, all organic juice bar the

(12:00):
meaning to check out.
Are you down to you know, to tryit with me?
All of those are somethingoutside of the norm, outside of
the typical boring routine.
And he and this is the trick.
As a man and as and as a awriter, a composer of
invitations, I don't want to beboring.

(12:21):
I don't want to blend in withevery other man that is aster
out.
And the and and again, it'slike, how much do I press into
it?
Well, press into myself first.
And how much energy am Iactually offering in my own
presence and authenticity?
And how much energy am Iinfusing into this invitation

(12:42):
that I'm extending to her?
If I want her to be availablefor me, I need to be enticing on
my end when I when I invite herout.

SPEAKER_01 (12:50):
Okay, so that makes perfect sense.
Except for the fact that you area pro at this, you just rattle
that off, and I can just see youin the grocery store line at
Walmart or wherever.
Like, nail and that, and thenyou've got the date on Friday.
Like, no problem.
The rest of us guys like me, youknow, are just if that doesn't,

(13:13):
and I know it takes somepractice.
Like, give us some tips on howto get better at that, whether
it's text tech for lack ofbetter term, text game or
grocery store game or whatever.
It's not, it's not game, butapproaching and and and and
asking out, give us give us sometips on how to get better at
that, what we can do aroundthat, etc.

(13:34):
Because yeah, I agree with you100%, but I'm standing at the
store and I might be, you know,I might make some stupid, stupid
comment, which is actually gonnado the opposite.
Like she's gonna run to the nextline, right?
To to go check out.
But like help help me out withthat a little bit.
Help the guys out, and yeah,with that.

SPEAKER_00 (13:52):
It all it all depends.
I mean, if you make some stupidcomment, but you laugh at
yourself in the process, youknow how at the moment suddenly
you became super authentic andquite charming and endearing and
honestly rather exotic.
You you became interesting, youbecame something out of the
norm.
It's really how you roll withit.
So, okay, okay, being present,being in the moment, gosh, it's

(14:13):
such a it's it's such anoverplayed term at this point.
You know, people say it so much.
One way that I can say thatworks really well is essentially
if you imagine that you areopening a window into your
imagination through your words,either spoken in person or or
over text.

(14:34):
As in, I'm imagining this.
I'm not going to dis I'm notgoing to summarize it.
I'm not going to turn it intogeneric terms.
I'm actually going to be asconcrete and illustrative as I
can with my words.
It's much easier for any personto feel into that when you can.
The biggest tip though is what Ijust did with you.

(14:55):
I I was like, I'm just going tomake Jude feel awkward.
I'm going to ask him out righthere and demo it.
Guys, that's really all it is.
Is, you know, I I decided tobreak the rule of treating you
like a male co-host on apodcast.
And I I immediately I justjumped into role-playing with

(15:16):
you as if you were a woman thatI was asking out because I knew
that would be far more effectivefor you to experience it with
me.
And I do this with my clients.
We do role playing when we doFridays in the field, you know,
and we're all out there.
We will drop into role playing.
And then when we're doing it, alot of times we get attention
from women because we're soauthentic when we're doing it.

(15:38):
And then I'm like, come on,guys, let's go over and talk to
them.
And we we go over and theyrealize this isn't role playing.
This is granting permission forme to step into the role that
I've always desired being as aman.
There isn't really any magictrick.
It's I'm gonna I'm gonna giveyou a really it's gonna seem off

(15:58):
the wall analogy, but just gowith me for a minute.
So have have you ever uh youever spoken a foreign language,
like fluently?
Have you ever been lived inanother country for an extended
amount of time?

SPEAKER_01 (16:08):
No.

SPEAKER_00 (16:08):
No, okay.
So I have.
I've lived five years of my lifeabroad, and I remember my first
stay abroad was in France, and Iwas I had this moment where I
knew all the words in French,but my accent was like kind of
okay.
And you know, I was je parlaisfrançais comme ça, comme un
américain, and it you know, itwasn't all that great.

(16:30):
And then one night I was out andactually started drinking a bit,
and and I was like, I was like,Oui, je parle français comme un
américain, you know, and I likereally got theatrical about it.
And they were like, they werelike, siz! You're like all the
French people were like, Oh,you're speaking wonderfully,
like your accent's great.
And I was like, I was making funof you guys when I was doing it,

(16:50):
like I was doing a caricature ofwhat a Frenchman like sounds
like when they speak French, andthey're like, Well, that's what
we sound like.
And and what it was was I I letI had to I had to cut the tether
to be to speaking English andbeing American, and I had to
jump in full board into speakinga foreign language, uh

(17:12):
essentially into the role that Iwanted to be in.
When it comes when it comes tothe energy as a man and in your
invitations and in engaging withwomen, that's really what it
comes down to.
As long as we're thinking aboutit and holding it back and you
know, kind of playing it throughalmost like we speak English,

(17:32):
but we're well, we think inEnglish and we operate in
English, but we're trying tospeak French, you're always
gonna have a nasty accent.
But when you really are like,well, screw it, I'm just gonna
jump in with both feet, and I'mgoing to become the thing that I
really want to see and feel andhear myself being.
Ultimately, all the tips andtricks are just training wheels

(17:54):
to get you to jump in and befully present in the moment.
And this is the term I use.
You're granting permission foryou to be Brad Pitt.
You know, you're you're grantingpermission.
It's like nobody says every manwalking around can't bring the
energy that Brad Pitt does.

unknown (18:14):
Right.

SPEAKER_00 (18:14):
We can, but for some reason, we don't allow ourselves
to let that out.
We don't, you know, to to to toto sing with that kind of a
romantic confidence.
For for some reason, most of usjust hold it back in.

SPEAKER_01 (18:29):
I'll tell you, whenever you talk, you get me
really excited, right?
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'mgonna go out there and do that.
And then it's like, then youknow, I don't see or talk to you
for six days, right?
And then it's like, oh yeah,back to the the same thing.
So which and I say that to say,guys, get you know, get involved
in his community because it'sdefinitely worth it because not
not only just you know skillsand and whatnot, motivationally,

(18:52):
and like what do you just dowhat you just described truly.
I I hope everybody elselistening.
I'm sitting here, I'm thinking,I'm going, like, how do I go do
some what like I want to get outthere?
I want to go, I'm gonna go walk,I'm gonna go take a walk and
meet some women, right?
Like, so so that's awesome.
And I and I think I'm just gonnasummarize all that, which was
which is fantastic and and andvery inspirational.

(19:12):
Is just be yourself and giveyourself permission to just not
worry about rules, not worryabout all the stuff that you've
got in your head.
If you want to meet somebody,you're Brad Pitt, like like
channel that energy and go outand do it.
Yeah, we and it's gonna tip it'sgonna take practice though, too.

SPEAKER_00 (19:31):
I mean it it takes practice, it also takes daring
to do it.
One of the one of the thingsthat nobody really talks about,
you know, in general culture,but that every man agrees with
when we get real, is thatmasculine energy has a dangerous
edge to it.
There is no doubt that a manthat is fully activated, it's

(19:54):
this weird paradox.
When you're fully activated, youare very dangerous on the one
hand, but then you have thisself-mastery that makes you safe
on the other hand.
You have to, in order to reallyembody that, you have to dare to
let yourself really let the firestart burning.
You have to dare to bepassionate.

(20:14):
And, you know, 95, 98% of themen, you know, that I work with,
that's really the struggle.
And they're like, is this reallyokay?
Can I really let this out?
And it's like, absolutely youcan.
You want you want to developself-mastery and manners and you
know, all these other things toto to to bring charm to the
table.

(20:35):
But that active ingredient ofyou walking up to the woman and
going, My gosh, I would totallykick myself later if I didn't if
I didn't come up and talk toyou.
Are you are you single by anychance?
You know, can I, you know, can Itake you out for a drink later?
You know, and if you're beingcompletely genuine, not game,
but but really genuine in thatpresence, again, to bring it

(20:58):
back to the topic, I amenergetically available.
I'm sorry, every man out there,I mean, I I lead by example.
If I need to be energeticallyavailable before I point the
finger at her and ask my and askwhy isn't she energetically
available to me?
Gentlemen, when you bring theenergy to the table, she will

(21:21):
respond to that with her energy.
And it's not even voluntary, itjust happens.

SPEAKER_01 (21:26):
Yeah, and that masculine energy you're talking
about, then with a femininewoman, that's gonna be very
attractive to her, that beingout there, taking that risk, uh
seeking, looking for what youwant and and going after it and
approaching and talking to herand pushing it putting yourself
out there.
But you're also gonna getrejected a ton, too, because

(21:47):
there's a million people outthere, men and women that just
are not in a good place forwhatever reason.
You just don't take it personal.
It has nothing to do with youbecause somebody that is healthy
and if they are they arecomfortable having
conversations, they're justgonna say, Oh no, I'm not
interested, or I'm in, I'm in arelationship, or whatever.

(22:08):
And they're gonna be kind aboutit too.
So, so so just don't take thingspersonally, which which I I want
to get into the energy thing toothat you just brought up, but
but I I I also want to point outthen if you're doing all of this
right like you just like youjust described or Brad Pitt,
oftentimes you're gonna getyou're gonna you are going to
elicit a reaction in her that'sthat is that is that is

(22:33):
positive, right?
But potentially you're that'sgonna change when you walk away,
when that when that feel, andthen you might get, then you
might start getting when gettinga like oh some passivity around
it, or then not the responsethat she felt because she was in

(22:56):
the moment.
And I say this because I've hadit happen a lot, and I've got a
great example.
Like one of my my teenagedaughters are dating now, and
she just one of my daughtersjust did like a 180 on a guy,
and I'm like, oh man, that'slike and then it's like this is
the the you know the ficklenessaround femininity that we also

(23:17):
have to know and understand, andit's not like her thing was was
not hateful, or you know, it wasjust caught up in that energy,
and then after was like, ohwait, this is really not exactly
what, and then changed her mind,and that's gonna happen too.
So, talk about talk about thatalso a little bit because I mean

(23:40):
it's just another form ofrejection, but like, but that's
not a necessarily bad thingbecause if you've created that
energy and created thatexcitement, you're doing
something good, right?
This just wasn't landing withthe right person, so just know
that it's good, but it might begood, and then you might be
like, Oh, what the hell?
I thought it was really great.
She was excited, and then yeah,okay.

SPEAKER_00 (23:58):
So much there's so much there.
First of all, not at allsurprised that you're raising
two young heartbreakers.
Like, I'm just not surprised.
Good job, dude.
Everybody looking to figure outhow to be a good dad and raise
heartbreakers.
Look at dude for for the adviceon how to navigate your divorce.
He's he's a man and he's he'ssuccessfully got two young
heartbreakers.
Okay, so you said you use theword fickle.

(24:21):
I'm gonna change that, and andwe also talked about rejection.
I'm going to and that's veryunpredictable and scary, and
it's just kind of like gonnashoot arrows in us from any
direction.
And that there is there is sometruth to that.
But I think the thing that isour best, our best uh defense or
armor around that is to realizethe feminine is cyclical, the

(24:45):
masculine is like the sun, it'sconstant.
The feminine is like the moon,it goes through cycles.
I mean, women are literally tiedto the four-week session of the
moon with their menstrualperiods, like they are literally
tied to it.
And that moon takes 28 days togo back to the way it looked
before, and they're only fertileand ready to reproduce, you

(25:08):
know, for like a few days out ofthat.
And out of those four weeks, youhave the the period right, I
believe it's right before theyovulate where the estrogen is
up, and then they're feelingsexy and all of that.
Take the take the other two, twoand a half weeks out of that
cycle, they're not really in themood.
Gentlemen, if she's notresponding to you, it might just
be the hormone levels are notopening her up to that at that

(25:31):
at that moment.
And just realize that women, thefeminine is cyclical, and you
might just you might not becatching her at the right time
in whatever cycle it is, thecycle of her relationships, the
cycle of the week, the cycle ofher hormones, the cycle of her
availability, the cycle of whothe heck knows what.
Realize we are constant as men,and women, the feminine side is

(25:56):
cyclical, and you have to acceptthat as that cycle goes around,
the window is only open some ofthe time.
Not personal, it's just howthey're built.

SPEAKER_01 (26:06):
That's exhausting, dude.
Like, really, like, I mean, youjust don't know.

SPEAKER_00 (26:11):
And if you're trying to, like, it's you're we're in
our heads and we're doing somuch, and we're trying, and then
it's like, okay, but it'sexhausting, it's exhausting if
you don't accept the reality ofit.
When you accept the reality ofit and you have compassion for
the fact that hey, they're notin the mood most of the time,
that causes us to chill out.

(26:32):
That causes us to take thatpressure relief valve, open it
up, and go, you know, this isn'tme.
This is just this is justnature.
This is how this is how natureworks between men, you know,
male and female Homo sapiens.
This is just how it works.
Chill out, Mr.
Male Homo sapien.
You know, don't get your pantiesin a wad because you didn't

(26:53):
catch her on the sidewalk on theday that she was ovulating.
Like, chill the fuck out, dude.
Like for me, for me, and this iswhat I this is what it this is a
this is a long like lesson withthe guys, but it's like, guys,
the more you can have compassionfor what the reality of the
woman is, it's not really forher, it's for you.

(27:15):
The more compassion you have,the more you will relieve
pressure inside of yourself.

SPEAKER_01 (27:21):
That's a great, great point.
Let's say that say that again,and then yeah, and then explain
that.

SPEAKER_00 (27:29):
Okay, so so when we hear compassion, we're like, men
need to have compassion forwomen.
Okay, yes, but also fuck that,that's not really why we need
compassion.
Men need compassion for whatwomen go through so that we can
see the reality of thesituation, because seeing that
reality opens up our pressurevalve, it lets us release
expectations that are that arethat that are based only on our

(27:53):
point of view.
When we have compassion for thewoman, we are we're we're
understanding that oh whoa, thisjust isn't gonna happen, and
it's nothing personal, and wejust relax.
The pressure goes out, andparadoxically, when that
pressure leaves, suddenly thewoman is more attracted to us.
And the woman feels like we havecompassion and we get it, and

(28:15):
because we do.
And again, suddenly womenrespond to what's put in front
of them.
When I'm when I have compassion,I'm like, oh, okay, yeah, it's
just not the right time.
Yeah, that's fine.
Suddenly she's like, whoa, whoa,whoa, hang on, hang on.
I've never heard a man say thatbefore.
I do want you to have my number.
Yes, let's have coffee.
I mean, I'm not I wasn't horny aminute ago, but now I am.

(28:37):
What did you do?
Oh my god, like that that'sexactly what happens when Brad
Pitt walks up the right way andis like, no, that's fine.
She's like, whoa, whoa, whoa,hang on.
You're you ri you're differentthan everybody else.
It's it's the guys that thathave learned to relieve that,
take that pressure off.
That's a huge part.

SPEAKER_01 (28:59):
A couple other ways I've heard it described is
hanging on loosely, right?
Like don't yeah, don't don'thave a tight grip on this, or
don't be tied to an outcome.
But that's so you've got to beable to do that.

SPEAKER_00 (29:10):
See, but it's like yeah, but then guys are like,
well, I should act like I don'tcare, treat her like I'm an
asshole, you know, like do allstuff.
And it's like, dude, yeah, butyou're really just lying to
yourself if what you really wantin your heart is a genuine
connection.
This is going all the waythrough that and and having
compassion for the reality thatshe's in, particularly if she's

(29:32):
a single mom.
You want to have compassion forthe reality, what's really
happening.
If I'm just like, well, I'mgonna hold this loosely, like
for how long?
Like, so how long do I wait?
How loose do I hold it?
Do I just go and have sex with abunch of other women when this
is the one I really want?
Like, none of this is reallygenuine inside of me.
You know, this is me trying todo a trick to appear relaxed.

SPEAKER_01 (29:57):
Where yeah, well, I think you.
Yeah, yeah, I agree with you.
I think that's where at least Ido, and I think a lot of the the
dads that I talk to getfrustrated is because they do
have feelings and do want toprogress and go deeper into what

(30:17):
you know, whatever the next nextlevel or next stage of the
relationship is.
And they feel that struggle withsomething like a val as simple,
it seems as simple, right, tous.
Because for us, it's ascheduling matter and it's
logistical and it's very easy tofigure out.
So the frustration comes in inthat, well, it's a it's a for

(30:40):
her, like you said, it's cyclesor it's a wave of of of of
interest or not interest or orwhatever it is.
And and it's just that we'rewe're approaching things
differently.
So I think that's where thethat's where I see and feel the
the frustration coming in a lot,which is well, let's just talk

(31:01):
about it, agree on something,and then just do it.

SPEAKER_00 (31:04):
Yeah, okay.
So that so that's not whatthey're gonna do.
That that again women respond tothe right, the right offer, the
right invitation.
I would even say the rightsolution.
They respond to the rightsolution.
Okay, but you're talking aboutthe frustration, is my desire's
there, I'm ready to go in, andwe're frustrated that she's not
meeting us.
That right there is a dependentmindset.

(31:26):
I have a desire and I'mfrustrated that she's not
meeting it.
That's putting a burden on her.
The really sexy man is the manthat has that desire and says,
Boy, am I ready?
I am so ready for this.
And I hold it inside of myself.
There is no pressure on her,there's no expectation, there's

(31:47):
no frustration that she's notmeeting it.
She will, I and when I hold theresponsibility of my desires in
myself, you know, my horniness,my my emotional readiness, my
you know, whatever, my myavailability and my schedule,
and she's busy, whatever thatis, when I hold that and own it

(32:08):
in myself, and she has noresponsibility to take care of
me.
Again, see above, you know,girlfriends don't want to be
mothers.
When I own my desires and it ismy responsibility, and I wait
until she begins to have adesire to take care of my
desires, which is what we allwant as a man, is for that woman

(32:30):
to want to take care of yourdesires.
That's that's that's the placeto be.
Yeah.
When I when I look at it thatway, that woman is like, hot
damn, like you're smolderingover there in desire for me, and
yet you're putting none of it onme.
And they're like, that'sdiscipline.
That is hot.

(32:51):
That is that is a sexymasculinity right there.
Most men don't do that.
Most men get frustrated that thewoman isn't taking care of their
desires and their needs.

SPEAKER_01 (33:02):
Yeah.
If I think that's a goodtransition into the to the
effort part, uh or the or theeffort deficit, right?
Because you're you're talkingabout that, holding that, and
then seeing what the reactionis.
And so so I've got I've got acouple, so I've got a couple of
basic two reasons why I feelthat there might be there are

(33:26):
effort deficits that happen.
So I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'mgonna put those out there, and
then I want to see what yourwhat your what your thoughts are
on them.
And actually, one one of them isI already know your thoughts
because you've already talkedyou talked about it in one of
the past episodes, is the thefirst one is the illusion of
infinite options, right?
Because the dating apps havecreated this marketplace where

(33:49):
it's basically a currency andand and and women can just like
get all this validation onlineand they don't have to go out
and actually get ready and looknice and go out with you and
have a conversation, like theyjust go and get a million likes
or hits or conversations orwhatever, right?
So that's one of them.
And then second, effort deficitis is is because the the risk is

(34:12):
on the on guys, uh upfront, atleast in the beginning, right?
And then then if we're not ifyou know, if we're if we're not
taking that, then it's notthere's no effort that's yes the
effort is not being matched,right?
And then so it's just it becomesa race to the bottom, really, is

(34:33):
is what happens because thenit's like I'm no effort, you're
no effort, like no effort, andthen you just both sit at home.
So so so those are my two mainreasons.
I'm sure there's other ones, butwhat are your thoughts about
that?

SPEAKER_00 (34:44):
Okay, so you're right.
When it's like I don't put ineffort, she doesn't put in
effort, it is a race to thebottom, it's a spiral downwards
when nobody's put anything outthere.
And what I what I try to liveby, and again, underline the
word try, nobody's perfect atthis, but what I try to live by
is lead by example.
If I want her energy available,I need to make sure that I'm not

(35:06):
asking for energy, I am offeringmy energy.
Um that that that is it.
Oh, the other one was the yeah,the the illusion of you know
availability and lots ofoptions.
Yeah.
Men, you need to remember it'sthe illusion, it's it's
limitless bad options, is whatshe has.
The quality of the message, Ibelieve for every one message

(35:29):
that a man gets on a dating app,the average woman receives 18 to
20 messages, right?
And most of them say, hey, orwhat do you do in this?
You're you're sexy, or I mean,just extremely low quality.
When you so just remember thatthat there's this illusion of
you know, abundance, but it'sit's crap.

(35:50):
It's abundance of crap.
When you show up with a highlevel of authenticity, when you
have a you know, when you havethese high-energy, sexy
qualities about you, and yourinvitations are also higher
quality just because they havemore creativity, they have more
spontaneity in the moment, youwill stand out in high, high

(36:13):
contrast to the low qualitymessages.
Are there women that are jaded?
Absolutely.
Or, you know, and that's part ofthe problem with the online
dating apps.

unknown (36:22):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (36:22):
Get off the apps and start doing it in person.
It is so easy to be dismissed ona dating app.
Same goes, by the way, forsingles events or not singles
events, or what are they called?
Speed dating events, whereyou're going around the table,
it is and people sign, you know,circle names on a page and hand
them in at the end.
Very, very easy for women to sayno in those events, to quote

(36:43):
unquote swipe left on you.
When you go to a live singlesevent and you just have to ask a
woman out, or you're just out inthe field talking to women live,
those are very differentenvironments.
It's much harder for a woman toswipe left when you're bringing
your full energy package rightthere to her doorstep in front
of her.

(37:04):
So again, you're like, oh, well,why aren't the women being more
responsive over dating apps?
I would say, why are you being alittle wimp and only asking
women out through the datingapps?
Again, the energy level thatyou're putting out there is what
they're going to respond to.
Women are responsive creatures.
I'm not sure I've shared thisyet on the podcast, but you

(37:26):
know, when people ask me what Ido, I tell them that I help men
give women the experience thatwomen want so that men can get
the response they want fromwomen.
When we give women the properexperience, they respond the way
that we want.
And that, and as a man, everyman wants to know that women
respond to you.

(37:47):
You you go up, you you ask themout, you know, you tell them you
want to go back home with them.
It's the response from them thatwe want to see.
That's the thing that that'samazing.
Even even a woman approachingyou in public, that's still a
response to the presence thatyou're putting out there.
Gentlemen, if you want certainresponses from women, ask
yourself what is the experiencethat you're giving her.

(38:08):
And if the experience is minimalbecause you're just sending
messages on an app, dude, whatdo you expect?

SPEAKER_01 (38:13):
Yeah, so so in order to get effort, you're gonna have
to give effort.
And if your effort fewer words,yeah, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, well, that's what I'm hereto do is you're to give you to
give all of the pearls, and I'mjust summarizing them, right?
And and and trying to and tryingto understand them too myself,

(38:35):
right?
And so if your if the extent ofyour effort is I start a profile
and I send a thousand messagesto get one date, which is about
the de the amount of what youneed to do, you might think that
that's like a massive amount ofeffort.
And and it and it is a massiveamount of effort and to the

(38:58):
extent that you're like akeyboard warrior.
But when it's really big, if youif you're really wanting to go
cultivate a relationship andhave a healthy, functioning,
good, deep, rich, romantic, sexyrelationship with somebody, it's
going to take more and differenteffort than just doing that,

(39:22):
sending messages and trying toget a date, because that's just
not gonna work.
And I want to I I want to pointthat out.

SPEAKER_00 (39:29):
Let me let me let me just jump in and summarize what
you just said.
Yeah, it's a it's a ton of work,but it's busy work that's
sending a thousand messages toget one date.
It's busy work, it's notcourageous work, it's not bold
work, it's not sexy work.
Yeah, please continue.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (39:46):
Well, which is what attracts a woman, right?
So if you're if you're going tochoose an effort, guys, uh an
effort of spending a uh an hour,let's say, and hopefully you're
not spending like a you know, atime it it depends on your
schedule in your guy, right?

(40:06):
But if you're gonna spend anhour doing something, sending a
thousand, you know, a thousandmessages on a dating app, or
maybe going out and doingsomething that you enjoy with
co-head co co-ed situation wherethere's women around, or even
just going out to the grocerystore and talking to a woman, or

(40:29):
just going out and being awareand approaching somebody, an
hour spent that way, the the thelatter, which is like relating
to somebody and trying to talkwith them and do that, is going
to be harder, much more effort,much more risk, which we talk
about.
The risk is and the risk is onall us guys.

(40:50):
So just right now, right here,it you're risk averse, you're
gonna have to get over.
And and unfortunately, that'sjust the way that it is
designed.
That's the sexual marketplace.
That's how God's designed thewhole system.
So we take the risk, especiallyup front, right away.
So if you're risk averse, thenget the therapy, talk with

(41:13):
Dallas, whatever you need to do,but you've you've got to get
over that.
But that but that one hour doingthat and approaching and talking
and relating is going to be way,way more effective and fruitful
than doing the apps.

SPEAKER_00 (41:31):
Yeah.
Let me let me echo back when itcomes to the risk element.
Yes, men, we're the lead.
So that means we have to gofirst in a lot of ways, or I
should say, I find it mosteffective when we go first.
That's what it means to be thelead.
I do, however, feel that therisk is just part of the dance.
We take a risk.
She takes she takes a risk whenshe says yes, and she's gonna be

(41:54):
alone, she's gonna be at atable.
This is this is one of thepieces coming back to
compassion.
Most men do not understand howmuch more vulnerable women are
innately in the world than menare.
Physically, sexually,emotionally, psychologically,
they are they are more sensitivecreatures, and they are as a

(42:15):
result of that more vulnerable.
That means that they are more,they're going to experience
higher levels of risk.
Realize, though, that when shesays yes and agrees to meet you,
when she says yes, here's myphone number, when she says yes
to anything, realize she istaking a risk on her end, and
that's there's a dance back andforth.

(42:37):
It doesn't have to be she'scommitted to me or we've had
sex.
Those aren't the only levels ofrisk.
Every step of this goingforward, even her saying, okay,
I'm gonna see him again, and nowmaybe he's now he's expecting
something.
On her end, in her mind, that'sa risk.
We have to we have to understandand appreciate this.

(42:57):
We and and again, the more wehave the appreciation for where
she's coming from, saying, wow,every time she says yes to one
of my invitations, she's takinga step towards me.
That's risky behavior on her endbecause she doesn't know what
I've got, she doesn't know howhonest I'm being, she doesn't
know how messed up my financialsituation is.
Like she doesn't know any ofthose things.

(43:18):
And the more we can appreciatethat and have compassion, that
again, it it lets the pressureout.
The pressure relief valve getsopened.
We relax, we naturally have morepatience in the process of it,
and then paradoxically, shestarts speeding up to get there
even sooner.

SPEAKER_01 (43:34):
Right.
And hopefully, then what happensis that then that effort level
starts getting matched.
So she's show she's showing up,yes, and the on the date, and
then more and then more, andthen in the relationship, it
becomes see, dude.

SPEAKER_00 (43:49):
I don't I don't even see it as effort on her part,
it's a response.
I make the effort, and when I doit right, she just says, Yes,
yes, please, yes, thank you.
Oh my gosh, I love this.
Yes, yes, yes.
It's not effort.
She should if she's feelingeffort, you're doing something
wrong.
You don't want her to feel likeshe's making effort and meeting
you in work part of the way.

(44:11):
As as dudes, like when we do ajob well and we put in work and
effort, we're we're fuckingproud of ourselves.
Like, you know, it's like I gotan awesome evening planned and
we're doing this and everything.
We we respond well to that, andthat's a gift that we offer to
the woman.
Her her effort is her simplyresponding and saying, Yes, oh

(44:34):
my god, thank you, thank you.
Let me give you a kiss.
This is amazing.
Like, I'm so happy to be herewith you, and I'm wrapped around
your arm now.

SPEAKER_01 (44:40):
So that's a big reframe in in in in because
that's that's not that's justnot kind of how the world the
world is is is uh is focused inour mind, right?
It's not listening orresponding, it is like effort,
and we see this everywhere in inour in our in our lives, whether

(45:02):
it's our work life or our familylife, like effort is what what
is measured primarily in howwe're operating.
So this is a that what you'redescribing is a reframe in our
minds that we really need tomake in this romantic and in I I
I ascribe it to the fact thatwe're not speaking the same

(45:23):
languages, right?
So we're not energetically wiredthe same way to respond.
So what I'm thinking is effort,it was a it is really a response
for her.
And so if you look at it, andI'm trying to summarize what
you're saying, if you look atfrom the context of of how men

(45:44):
show up and our and themasculine nature is, which is
those those prompts and movingforward, and that the world
around, based upon your energyand how you're moving the world,
the world around you is going torespond to that, including
women.
That that come that completelychanges kind of their your
mindset of how you'reapproaching this.

(46:06):
And I think that's a reallyimportant one for guys, because
this is so this is somethingthat I also want to point out,
guys, it's something that'staught.
That's not something that youjust innately understand and you
just you just show up and know.
So this is something that thatyou're taught that you need to
learn and to understand.
And like, and it's and I'll befrank, it's it's a struggle for

(46:30):
for for me too to try to reframethat and think of that, think of
things in in that way.
And we talk about this in the inthe divorced dads community
within our families and how ourour children show up, depending
upon the the energy that we putout there every day with our
with our kids and and stuff likethat.
But it's the same also in yourromantic relationships, also.

(46:53):
So that's a really, reallyimportant reframe.
I think if there's anything thatanybody can take from today,
that's a the biggest one.

SPEAKER_00 (47:00):
Yeah, yeah.
And you know, in that in thatreframe, the original frame that
we're given from society iswe're all equal, and we are all
equal in value, but we're notall equal in what's effective
inside of us and what'seffective on us.
And that's the part where if youwant to have a
masculine-feminine polarity, ifyou want to have men really

(47:22):
feeling hot as men and womenfeeling really turned on as
women, we we do have to reframeit.
And gentlemen, you know, likelike you were saying, Jude, we
have to be the ones to put therisk in first.
We are the ones that have to paya little bit up front.
We do that in the form ofeffort, and we do that in the
form of doing, but but andhere's an important, here's

(47:43):
another very important thing.
We're not doing it for if we'renot doing it for the response
from the woman.
We're not even doing it for theresponse of the people around
us.
We're doing it because it makesus feel the way that we want to
feel.
I'm dating this way because itturns me on the most.
Dallas feels the sexiest versionof Dallas when he leads this

(48:06):
way.
I'm not just doing it becauseit'll it'll get better responses
from women.
That's just a really, reallynice byproduct of doing it.
I'm doing it so that I show upat the table the most activated
version of myself that I can.
And and that's that's the realinner work that has to be done.

SPEAKER_01 (48:25):
And that's why it's important for you to be on
mission in your life and haveyour values, have your beliefs
in in alignment with what it isthat that you're doing and what
you want.
And that's when that's wheneverything in your life is gonna
come into your life in that samealignment.

(48:45):
So until that happens, you know,and and and it and it can't be,
uh it can't be, and I'vestruggled with this, that that
your mission is the therelationship and looking for the
relationship, right?
Like you've got to be on missionin life about something other
now.
That doesn't mean that it can'tbe your family and and and how
you show up if it's your familyand providing for your family.

(49:05):
Yeah, that's definitely good,but it can't be like focusing
out and looking and justone-tracked mind on that on that
relationship, because that meansyou've got all this void in the
rest of your life, and she'slooking at well, uh is the only
focus in the your whole worldme, and that is very
unattractive.
Yes, if if that is if is as muchas that's counterintuitive,

(49:28):
guys, that is very unattractive.
If you have no mission in life,if you have no aim, you're not
aiming up or aiming or on trackfor doing something, and
whatever it is, like it doesn'tmatter.
We talked last week or a coupleweeks, it's you know, Prince is
was sexy as hell, right?
He got all kinds of chicks, andhe's on mission with his music.
Yeah, uh Tom Brady, a different.

(49:49):
He was on mission, you know, andhe's the more, I guess,
traditional masculine guy thatyou talk, but you but that those
are two very different missions,but they were both very sexy men
who really got it, just youknow, attract a ton of women.

SPEAKER_00 (50:06):
Yeah.
When you're when a woman becomesyour mission, when a woman
becomes your sole focus ofattention and energy, that it
that that one can burden hervery much because now she feels
like she's responsible for you.
The other side to it is it canalso be very scary for them
because when we really doactivate the full side of our
masculine energy, that is waytoo much intensity to put on any

(50:29):
one person.
The world needs to be therecipient of that level of
intensity.

SPEAKER_02 (50:34):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (50:35):
Okay, I need to jump back to a point.
I don't know, because I I don'thave the clock in front of me.
I don't know how far we are inour episode, but I know it
always goes fast.
There was something reallyimportant though that you
mentioned earlier that we thatwe didn't get to, and I we have
to get back to it.
Okay, you mentioned the scenariowhere you show up, you know,
like Brad Pitt, you know, andyou've and you're you're in the

(50:56):
moment and everything, and youget the response, but then she
changes her mind later.
Okay, and I just want to I justwant to echo this.
Your job isn't that it's one anddone.
Women, one of the shit teststhat women are constantly
putting out there is howconsistent is this man?
If I'm only charismatic, if I'monly exotic, if I'm only

(51:17):
offering this level of energy inmy first approach or in my first
couple few dates, she expectsthat because that's what most
guys do.
If, however, my follow-up withher is the same openness, the
same presence, I'm actuallyconfirming for her that this
wasn't a fluke, that this wasn'tjust I you happen to catch me on

(51:40):
a good day.
Like Dallas is a bunch of gooddays.
Dallas does live in this energy.
And concrete example, you know,you know, you get her number,
you know, it's a certain way.
When you follow up with the textmessage, are you going back to
standard, basic, boring patternsof, you know, hey, it was great
meeting you the other day, youknow, so are you free, you know,

(52:02):
later this afternoon to see, youknow, and you're you're blending
in with the pavement like everyother man.
Or when you follow up and you'relike, oh my gosh, never mind the
juice bar.
I found this other place.
This is this is the place weneed to try.
You know, and I'm right backinto that present moment in the
text message with her, you know,that night or three days later
or whatever.

(52:23):
It's up to you to show herconsistently that you are
something exotic in your ownenergy and in the invitations
that you extend.
I just I wanted to answer thatbecause we all feel that.
It's like, oh, she was flippedon for a minute and now she
flipped off.
Dude, she's just responding tothe fact that your energy is no

(52:44):
longer present.
Bring that presence of energyaround, and over time, then you
can decide whether or not she'sinto you.
But until you provide thatpresence and that energy, you
don't really know how into youshe is.

SPEAKER_01 (52:56):
Yeah, and and and I do want to point out you so you
make it sound so easy, like it'sjust gonna happen, and then
she's gonna respond becausewe're so on it all the time,
leading with the energy andexoticism and everything else.
But just know, guys, sometimesit's just not gonna happen,
right?
And yes, and you're not gonnaget a response, and you'll be

(53:17):
doing everything right, and andthe response isn't there, and
that's okay too.
That's just an answer for you toknow that it's time to to move
on to to something else, andthat's that's that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 (53:33):
Yeah, it's you're right.
It it's not simple.
Sorry, it's not easy.
It's what do they like to say?
It it's very simple, but notthat easy to do.
Um yeah, uh, that's very true.
Yes.

SPEAKER_01 (53:46):
So I just I I well, and and so let's talk a little
bit about that because so youcould be like I said, and or
like you said, leading the rightenergy, putting out invitations,
there is some response, maybefor a while, and then maybe it

(54:07):
stops, or maybe there's a lulland you're not quite on top of
your game, which which happens,right?
We've got lives and we're notit's hard, it's hard to it's
hard to lead your life, period,in every aspect.
And and no kidding, right?
As a as a as a guy, you'reexpected to be leading in

(54:28):
leading in life and leading yourfamily, leading in your work or
your business, leading with yourrelationship.
And so there's times though,where it's just you're not doing
a great job of it, or yourenergy is low.
And so if that does happen, andthen you get back on, and then
when so at one what point whenyou're not getting the the

(54:52):
response that that you feel likeyou should be getting, do you do
you start to what do you do?
What do you do first to addressit and then and then when do you
know that okay, this is just notnot not gonna happen?

SPEAKER_00 (55:05):
Yeah.
So I'm I mean, again, I'm gonnakeep this really simple.
I extend invitations and I lookat how they respond to my
invitations.
Does she say yes?
Yes, please, yes, thank you,yes, yes, yes.
Those are obviously greenlights, you know, those are
green flags that that those areopen doors and those are
encouraging me to go forward.
If I don't get yeses, I look atmy invitations.

(55:28):
I look at how appealing I'mmaking things and I'm honest
with myself.
And if I really am bringing itthe way that I am and she's not
saying yes, that's that tells meeverything I need to know.
The woman isn't saying yes.
Who do I want to be dating?
I want to date, I want to bedating a woman that when I
invite her out, she says, hellyes, Dallas.
I love what you're putting outthere.
I these other women are crazy.

(55:49):
Why are you still single?
That that's what I want to bedating.
And and if I'm honest withmyself and I'm looking at the
quality of my messages, and I'mnot pointing the finger saying,
well, why aren't these womenmaking more of an effort?
Why aren't these women moreavailable?
And here I think over thisepisode we've kind of talked
about how we can reframe thatmindset.

(56:10):
And and I'm looking at it andI'm and I'm actually like, no,
I'm putting out there theinvitations to an experience
that I want to have, both on myown and with a woman.
I just ask myself, is she sayingyes or not?
And if it's somewhere in themiddle, you know, like so when
we talk about availability, wecould be talking about somebody
that's maybe manipulative or youknow, emotionally unavailable,

(56:33):
you know, attachment avoidant,somebody that's a little bit
narcissistic, somebody that's,you know, maybe very young and
self-absorbed because they'vebeen watching social media their
whole life and think it's allabout their own entertainment.
You know, any of these elements,you look at it and you you just
ask yourself, okay, I want awoman that responds to me, to

(56:55):
what I'm bringing to the table.
I don't like the response I'mgetting from this woman.
This isn't about her interest.
This is about me saying, I don'tlike her response.
Her response is not fuck yesenough for me to want to keep
dating her.
For me to let me put it anotherway, it's not fuck yes enough
for it to be worth my continuingeffort to give her invitations.

(57:18):
Yeah, what does she do with myinvitations?
That's all I need to know toknow if I want to keep inviting
her.
It's it's really that simple.

SPEAKER_01 (57:26):
Yeah, that is simple.
Just replacing that whole wordeffort with response, I think is
is an another key to to to atleast in in my mind, that's
that's clicking, getting rid ofeffort, but like what is the
what is the response?
What what happens when I'm outthere giving and doing like I

(57:49):
enjoy doing and and and giving,and what is that, what is that
response?
Do I like it?
Do I not like it?
Then have I communicated aboutabout it with her, yep, and and
and and what her response is,how I feel about that, and what
she's thinking.
Because oftentimes there's adisconnect.

SPEAKER_00 (58:09):
Okay, but I don't talk to women about their
response.
Because the minute I talk tothem about the response, the
response is going from aninstinctive, lived, natural
phenomenon to one that's nowintellectualized and up in their
head.
We never want to take women upinto their head, ever, ever,
ever.
That is not the place to be.

(58:30):
Women don't want to be in theirhead, they want to be out of
their head.
So for me, it's all aboutdropping into the moment and me
asking myself, how can I be moreeffective in bringing her,
inviting her into the momentthat I'm experiencing?
I'm not going to discuss with awoman what her response is.
If she Well, let's use theexample of availability.

SPEAKER_01 (58:49):
Maybe all of a sudden availability has has
waned.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Then how do you have that?
How do you have thatconversation?
How do you have thatconversation about availability?
It was one way, it was great,the invites were there, the
responses were yes, and then itit's it's it's it's waned.
You still are invested in therelationship, and you would like

(59:11):
you would like to be successful,but it doesn't seem to be
happening.

SPEAKER_00 (59:15):
Dude, dude, the last two months of sleeping with you
has been so amazing.
I mean, it has been it has beenso wonderful.
I love the connections, and youknow, and I miss that.
You know, I'm only seeing youlike once every two or three
weeks at this point, and and I'mlike, I'm like, I'm I I I want
more.
I I you know I I I love what wehad.

(59:36):
I I don't want to I don't wantto put anything on you, but what
shifted?
Did did something change on yourend?
Because I I love what we wereexperiencing.
Is is there something I need toknow?
You know, did did somethingshift, or is this are you just a
little busy right now and we'llbe getting back to that?
But the but my important messagefor you though is how much I
enjoy the experience with you.

(59:58):
Do you see how and and I I'mowning it 100%.
And I'm inviting you to returnback to it with me.
Again, I'm I'm it's it's aninvitation.
I'm positively embracing theexperience that I want to have
with you.
And even if that experience wehad before and is now is lost,
one of the best ways to bring itback is not to point the finger

(01:00:20):
and go, what are you doingwrong?
Why, you know, what's missing?
The best way is to go right backto that place and go, baby, I
miss that.
I loved the way that we were inour first five years of
marriage.
And now it's year seven, andit's like we're two strangers
sleeping next to each other inbed.
When when you're saying, I don'twant to lose this, you know, I I

(01:00:42):
I want that marriage again.
You know, and and here, I mean,because this extends into
relationships and marriage, andyou're inviting her to return
back to those first five yearsthat were amazing.
And you and you tell them shehopefully she says something to
the effect of, well, I miss ittoo.
I miss it too.
But fuck, we've got a we've gota one and a half year old now,

(01:01:03):
and life has changed.
And you're like, okay, that'sfair.
What can we do?
What can we do to have theelement that that we missed so
that we still have that spark?
Because I it's killing me beinga stranger next to you in bed.
And and again, this is me havinga picture, attaching to the
experience that I want to have,and inviting anyone from a

(01:01:27):
woman, you know, that I juststarted dating to to a woman
I've been married to.
It's the same process.
You're always inviting her in,and then you're seeing how does
she respond to your invitation.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:37):
Dels, I got a million dollar million dollar
multi-maybe a billion dollaridea for you.
Can you create an AI translatorfor what the guys want to get
across and then and thencommunicating it with experience
and feeling like you justdescribed?
Because I don't speak thatlanguage.
I know probably 90 plus percentof the guys listening are like,

(01:02:00):
holy shit, now I gotta learn.
Like what you're saying to mebasically is like you asked it
earlier if I've ever learned alanguage.
I in my daughters, they knowdifferent languages.
I'm like, I don't have time tolearn a language.
Like it's like you're you're Iyou're wanting me to learn a
language to like communicate.
If you could just create an AItranslator and I just put it in,

(01:02:23):
like, want more time with girl,and then it would come out with
what you just beautifully said.
I love making love to you, and Iwant to do it often and
frequently in in exoticlocations.
And how do we get like if youcould do that, that would be
freaking amazing.
And then we could do the wholething like hits where you know

(01:02:44):
we just put the translator inour ears and we'll be taught it,
it'll be we'll be thinking iteventually we can hardwire it to
our brains and we'll be thinkingit.

SPEAKER_00 (01:02:53):
Oh please create it, we're gonna bring it full full
circle.
I don't remember if this wasBaroque or Enlightenment, but
bring it full full circle backto the French literate
literature, Sierra de Bergerac.
You know, he's off in the treewhispering the words, you know,
to the guy to say to the womanup in the balcony, you know,
it's like the first version ofthis, you know, was him.

(01:03:15):
Well, the problem is when whenyou know, when the the handsome
guy that doesn't have the rightwords, when he finally gets into
bed, what is he gonna keep usingAI to like keep feeding him the
lines?
Like we don't have the babblefish from the hitchhiker's guide
to the galaxy implanted into ourear yet.
Maybe that'll come one day.
That's a scary thought.

(01:03:35):
But yeah, but the but the thingis, and and that this is the
important part.
Uh, first of all, thank you.
I really appreciate that.
And I'm glad my you know thelanguage and and I it but it
does, I think, speak to you,doesn't it?
Doesn't it?
Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (01:03:47):
Well, but what I well but yeah, it speaks to me
and it makes absolute perfectsense, perfect sense, because I
I just keep thinking about allof my experiences and the ones
that I was good at doing that,and the ones where I was bad,
but then I think like good God,I like how am I gonna figure
this out?

SPEAKER_00 (01:04:08):
So here's the thing.
Okay, that it's it's it again,it's not it's not complicated,
it's not easy, but it's notcomplicated, it's simple.
Sure.
All I'm saying is what I reallywant to say.
I'm not saying what I think Ishould say, I'm not saying a
polite version of it, I'm notsaying an agreement version of

(01:04:29):
it.
I'm not saying a you know, a asmooth interface version of it.
I'm speaking from the heart withwhat I really want to say.
What I want to say is, god damnit, the last three months were
the hottest sex I've ever had inmy life.
Why are we suddenly go coldturkey here?
Like, what's going on?

(01:04:51):
You know, did I miss something?
You know, did you not enjoy it?
Is there another man?
You know, I mean, what whateverit is, and you know, and and I'm
being very open, and becausethat's the truth.
The truth is inside of me.
It's like, I would rather findout that you actually are
married and that this was justlike an amazing but very naughty
dream that I woke up from, youknow, and I'm like, just tell me

(01:05:13):
the truth, please.
But but but I have to speak thatfrom the heart.
I can't have some negotiatingversion of it that's like kind
of authentic, but also kind oflike, well, you know, so it used
to be really good, you know, andnow it's like the sex isn't as
hot as it was.
Like that doesn't say thatdoesn't convey any of the

(01:05:35):
feeling.
When I am like I would giveanything to get back to our
marriage in the first fiveyears.
And when I say I would giveanything, I mean I will give
anything.
Now please tell me what I needto give for us to get back
there.
I mean, that will stop a lot ofdivorces from happening like in

(01:05:57):
their tracks if a man simplyputs and all I'm doing is saying
what most men feel in theirheart when they're in that
position.
That's all I'm doing.
This isn't some fancy words, I'mjust getting very real.

SPEAKER_02 (01:06:11):
Right.

SPEAKER_00 (01:06:11):
And if you need help tapping into this, because we
all do, because society does notteach men to speak from the
heart this way.
It doesn't.
It teaches us that beingemotionally vulnerable this way
is weak.
Dude, it is not weak.
It is strong as it gets, it isas bold as it gets.
It is leadership at its finestwhen I'm opening my heart and

(01:06:32):
speaking from my heart.
And if you need practice,shameless plug, go to
blackboxdating.com.
Absolutely.
Sign up for the for the men'scoaching program.
This is what we do.
Like it's you know, the podcast,you know, we we record this
every Wednesday.
Wednesday my office hours.

SPEAKER_01 (01:06:51):
Like, this is what we have.
What is men's office hours?
Like, okay, so it's it's signoff and what happens?

SPEAKER_00 (01:07:00):
Yeah, so so it is every week, Wednesday, it's a
Zoom call.
So it's you know, it's online,it's virtual.
You can join from anywhere inthe world.
And I come with a provocativequestion that pretty much every
man can relate to.
Like, what have you feltunappreciated as a man?
You know, and and it's greatbecause it warms up the group
and we share with each other,you know, oh my god, you felt

(01:07:21):
that.
Oh, I've oh, I forgot about thatone, you know.
And then I share what have, andand that alone has a lot of
healing.
And again, it's like thepressure valve that like lets
that off, and the frustrationgets let out.
Because I don't I don't allowjust bashing women, like that's
not productive at all.
But we do need to vent out thefrustrations that we have.
That's part of it.
And then that transitions into amotivational talk that I give,

(01:07:44):
and it's around a topic that thequestion was based on.
And basically I dive in, andpretty much none of the time, in
none of these talks, do you knowwhere I'm going?
It's pretty much always threepoints, but I take it a step
deeper, a step deeper, a stepdeeper.
Usually elements of compassionare built into it, and elements
of responsibility.

(01:08:05):
And and a lot of times, itthey're all about reframing it
so that you can take individual,autonomous, free agent power in
yourself as a man.
And then I end the little talkwith a um your weekly growth
challenge, which is somethingfor you to do in a concrete way
for the next seven days so thatyou can practice this, integrate

(01:08:26):
it, and start to change andshift your behavior so that you
can change and shift yourexperience and change and shift
the response of women towardsyou, whether you're out there
dating or whether you've beenmarried for 30 years and you're
looking for a hotter responsefrom your wife.
And then after that, we haveabout just about 45 minutes
left, and it is, you know, freerange.

(01:08:48):
Guys are like, hey, Dallas, Ineed a I need a cool date idea.
You know, we've like done this,and you know, and and we'll
we'll go into it.
Sometimes guys literally sendscreenshots to me of text
messages that they have on thedating apps, and like, what do I
say to like you know, ask herout?
And I'm like, just ask her out,dude.
Like, here you go.
So, you know, and sometimesit'll be uh anything really that

(01:09:12):
guys are going through.
Sometimes it's just a pep talk,like, oh my gosh, tomorrow I
have this really hot date andI'm so nervous.
You know, and the cool thingabout those is it's not just me,
like all these other men therein the group have your back.
And like it's like you're goinginto this date with brothers
behind you, like you know,saying, dude, absolutely, and

(01:09:36):
they care about you finding thehot section and connection and
confidence that you want inlife.

SPEAKER_01 (01:09:44):
Well, and it you it's young like it used to be
when we were in high school orcollege and we had buddies and
we were excited and we talked tothem about it, but we get older,
families divorce, get isolated,and we don't have that.
So that that camaraderie andbrotherhood and togetherness is
a really important thing, whichwe've talked about in the past.
You need to have that with guysand a group of male friends

(01:10:06):
around you as well.
And I wanted to add also thatthis week on Thursday, October
23rd, Dallas is going to bedoing a live QA at 4 p.m.
Mountain time for the divorcedadvocates community.
So if you go to thedivorcedadvocate.com, check out the
events calendar tab, you can getthe zoom link to that.

(01:10:29):
Come on, we're just gonna havean open conversation like we're
we're having now, talking aboutwhatever your questions are
about about dating.
And we're gonna be doing thatonce a month, also.
Dallas has been gracious enoughto give us a free hour of his
time.
So if you guys want to, ifyou're not already convinced,
which like every every time I Ileave talking with you, I want

(01:10:51):
to run out and go ask women outand figure, you know, figure my
my dating life out, you know,get get in touch with him
because he he definitelydefinitely and I've been dating
for a long time, don't know whatthe hell I'm doing.
I wish I had Dallas years andyears.
I wish I had Dallas as a teenboy.
Like I wish I could go back, andthen obviously you would still

(01:11:13):
be a teen boy too, but likeDallas now when I was a teen
boy, and and then had youradvice so that I could go
forward and and have uh a betterand and healthier uh
relationship.
So Dallas, anything else youwant to add?
We went way over today, which isI'm I'm actually getting worse
at my hosting job, which is tolimit this.

(01:11:34):
And so I don't know.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to figurethis out.

SPEAKER_00 (01:11:37):
But anyway, yeah, we either we either open it up or
we don't.
And like when we open it, wehave to go there.
Um and since we've gone there,yeah.
The one thing that hasn't beenmentioned is if you have not
liked and subscribed andfollowed the podcast, please do
it right now.
This is absolutely essential forus to grow the audience.
Please, if you have not signedup for Jude's Dad's Dating After

(01:11:59):
Divorce, it be on his mailinglist so that you can come to the
uh free QA that we're doing oncea month.
That's your that's your ticket,man.
That's how you get in.
That's how we can talk to it.
I'm super excited to be speakingwith your uh your audience and
and to be connecting with them.
And I guess the last thing ishow do people get on your
mailing list?
How do people follow you, Jude?

SPEAKER_01 (01:12:19):
Yep.
Visit the divorced, thedivorced, and there's two D's
there at the end of Divorced andDadvocate, the divorced
advocate.com.
There are resources there, notjust dating, but wherever you're
at in your divorce, thinkingabout it, contemplating in the
middle of it, or post-divorceand and dating for for
everybody.

(01:12:39):
So check out the resources, butgo to the events page, sign up
for Thursday night, 4 p.m.
mountain time to uh chat withDallas and I.
Dallas, always a pleasurechatting.
So much fun.
Have an awesome week.
So much fun, Jude.
Talk to you next week.
Bye.