22 - Let's Talk About Sex: Leading Her to Intimacy, One Touch at a Time

Most men try to plan their way to great sex and end up killing the spark. We take a different route: build trust with clear statements, create a protected space for intimacy, and then let go of the plan so real desire can surprise you both.

We start by resetting the premise. Sex after divorce isn’t a sprint; it’s a craft. Jude Sandvall and Dallas Bluth unpack why safety and mutual benefit are the foundation—especially when kids, schedules, and past relationships are in the picture. You’ll hear how to turn “the talk” into foreplay by sharing who you are, not asking for permission: get tested before it’s relevant, say you’re a one-woman-at-a-time man if that’s your truth, and frame exclusivity and protection as identity, not negotiation. Women feel the difference instantly because it signals maturity, care, and a real invitation to relax.

Then we tackle logistics without losing the magic. Think “container,” not checklist: set a private, interruption-free window where intimacy could happen, but don’t script what must happen. Dallas explains how spontaneity—naming your desire in the moment, changing plans when the energy shifts—reduces pressure and increases arousal. If the wave doesn’t rise, you stay gracious and unattached to outcomes, which often creates the next spark faster. When the clothes finally come off, two rules lead to better experiences consistently: slow down and prioritize her pleasure.

Whether you’re rebuilding confidence after a low-sex marriage or navigating co-parenting calendars, this conversation is your playbook for sex that’s adult, ethical, and electric. We cover when not to talk (no texting, not mid-makeout), how to read timing if cues are hard, and how to be both structured and spontaneous. If you’re ready to date like a grown man—and enjoy better intimacy along the way—press play, subscribe, and share with a friend who needs this. Got a question for our live Q&A? Leave a review with your topic or reach out and tell us what you want next.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_01 (00:20):
Hello, and welcome to Dad's Dating After Divorce,
the only podcast for dads whoare looking at getting back into
that game after divorce with allthat fun and exciting stuff of
co-parenting and parenting anddating and apps and everything
else that's uh we'reexperiencing now post-divorce

(00:43):
and dating.
My name is Jude Samville.
I am the founder of The DivorceDavocate in your co-host today.
My other co-host is DallasBluth, the founder of Black Box
Dating.
And welcome again this week,Dallas.
Good to see you.
Morning, Jude.

SPEAKER_02 (00:58):
Thank you again for having me back.
And yeah, looking to jump intoanother exciting topic here
about dating after divorce.

SPEAKER_01 (01:04):
Yeah, well, so we're going to parlay off of last
week's episode where we talkedabout initiating physical
contact, physical touch, kindof, you know, making that next
move, if you will.
I don't like that word, but justuh escalation to physicality

(01:25):
when when you're dating a littlebit.
Or it just and also we talkedabout, well, like so we talked
about breaking that that touchbarrier, but we we scaled it
back a little bit and talkedabout touch in general and just
how to to feel comfortable withyour body and doing that with
other men, etc.
If you haven't listened to it, Iwould I would highly recommend

(01:46):
before listening to this one.
This is like this is an excitingone where we're talking about
sex, but go back and listen tolast week's episode about it
because I thought that we talkedabout a lot of great stuff about
just feeling comfortable.
We talked about maybe how toinitiate a first kiss, how to
work up to that, etc.
And now we're taking this tomaybe the you describe as the

(02:09):
culmination of consummating uh arelationship uh and and talking
about and hopefully initiatingsome uh sexual uh intercourse.
So so let's jump into that.
Uh it's uh I had anticipated,like I said last week, talking
about it.
It is such a big topic.

(02:29):
And in prepping for this, I'mlike, oh, okay, I'm glad we
didn't get into it last weekbecause there's a that's it
actually, there's so much morewhen you are our our age and
when you are dating afterdivorce, and so it's it's it's
not like in our 20s, where itwas like, okay, we're it kind of

(02:52):
just happened, or you're hangingout.
Yeah, we were talking last week,like how you hung out, and when
you met somebody, you hung outfor weeks straight, right?
Like every single day, and youjust did that, and then like you
probably had sex, and that justlike and it and it happened
because you were hanging out allnight and whatever, and like
it's so not like that anymore,right?

(03:12):
And so just give me somethoughts on that, and then we're
gonna then we'll jump into likesome logistics, if you will,
because unfortunately, this itat this point it takes
logistics, really.
You're you're like a yeah,you're like a coordinator at the
you know, a sex coordinator atthis point.

SPEAKER_02 (03:30):
So yeah, uh well, if you're a single dad, definitely.
You've there's so many othervariables that come into play,
you know, appropriateness.
Your life isn't entirely yourown.
You have to worry about who elseis in the house, who else is in
the room, you know, who else isaround that energy.
You know, so much of that comesinto play.
When we were younger, I thinkthe only thing really that we're
probably worried about is thatnobody got pregnant.

(03:51):
That was probably the mainconcern.
Even that, maybe we weren't asworried about it as we should
have been.
Uh now that we've been now thatwe've been around the block, you
know, a few dozen times and youknow, been knocked around a few
times, we we take it allhopefully a little more
seriously.
And we realize that, you know,as as powerful as the sex drive
is in us as men and in allpeople, it brings with it so

(04:15):
many different consequences,both, you know, both good and
you know, and potentially bad.
And I think I think the place tostart with is just to respect
how powerful the sex drive is inboth men and women, and to
realize that that sex drive in alot of ways is coming from
different places.

SPEAKER_01 (04:33):
Yeah.
And you know, I do I do wanna II do want to mention that we
talk about relationships andrelating and creating
connections, etc., with withindividuals before we get to to
this point.
And I think it's it's fair to torecognize some people think uh

(04:54):
listening, everybody has theirdifferent feelings around should
you have sex, should you nothave sex, do you have religious
feelings around it?
I think that you know, I'm I'mI'm Christian, I have some
strong feelings about that.
I think we can I I would like tojust safely say that in the
context of having a connectionwith somebody and and and and

(05:18):
having uh feeling that you areconnected and are in a
relationship that is beneficialto the both of you, is
incredibly important beforeinitiating or getting into this.
And so we talked about some ofthese skills, and I think you do
a masterful job of ofdifferentiating some of the the

(05:40):
jargon and the crap that is outthere, which is all just like
skills to get to a me uh like ameans to an end to just having
sex.
And and I want to make sure thatin in listening to this episode,
if this is the first episodeyou're tuning into, like go back
and listen to some other onesbecause there's much a better, a
bigger build-up to this.

(06:00):
And we're not gonna talk reallythat much about that today, but
I want I just wanted torecognize that with anybody
that's that's listening, nomatter what your age, if you're
a little bit younger or ifyou're older like us, that's
that's really, really an in animportant thing.

SPEAKER_02 (06:16):
Yeah.
I think I think I first of allcompletely agree.
People are coming to sexualencounters with very different
backgrounds, very differentbeliefs, and very different
histories.
I think I mentioned in the lastepisode, you know, if you're
just getting out of a marriagethat had virtually no sex in it,
it's perfectly fine to want toexpress and experience more sex

(06:37):
because that has been taken off,you know, off the menu for you
for a while.
I, you know, uh to what degreeyou need to be committed, to
what degree you you need to, youknow, however you want to look
at the connection you havesomebody with sex, the most
important thing that you justsaid is that this needs to be
mutually beneficial.
Both people need to be having agood experience as a result.

(07:00):
And, you know, the I I believeit's oh, I forgot the name of
the book, but it's anevolutionary psychology book
that basically went into theidea that throughout the animal
kingdom, there's there's a sexis a resource.
Sexual reproduction, you know,the availability of, you know,
male sperm and female eggs, youknow, there's a limited

(07:21):
quantity, particularly on theegg side with the female side,
than there is on the male side.
But but they're all resources,essentially, when it comes to
reproduction.
And those resources, we can lookat it as we are extracting and
consuming resources, or we canlook at it as we're looking to
invest resources.
And the important thing is thatwe are not looking at it from a

(07:42):
very selfish, I just want to getlaid, I just want to enjoy
myself, and I'm consuming women,I'm consuming other sexual
resources for my own instantgratification.
That for me is the only realmoral issue, is that we don't do
that selfishly.
If both people come to the tableand they're both like, look, we
just want to have fun, okay, youknow, both, you know, it's even.

(08:05):
The the important thing thoughis that is that everybody is
coming out feeling better aboutthings to whatever degree,
whatever kind of connection thatlooks like, don't be selfish
about it.
That that I think is the mostimportant starting point.

SPEAKER_01 (08:17):
Right.
And that talk can be or couldlead to we don't want to have
sex and we want to wait, and wewant to pursue this in a manner
that is is going to be somethingthat it that we're gonna save
for marriage, potentially too.
And so that's equally that'sequally fair also, and that just
depends on what your comfortlevel and what your beliefs and

(08:38):
your values are, which leads meto the first part is you've got
to talk about it, right?
And this might seem incrediblyunsexy and unromantic, but like
we're not in our in our 20s.
It does not happen.
We've got kids now, we've got somany.
This takes a lot, a lot, a lotmore preparation and

(09:00):
intentionality.
And and what's not really sexyis if like you initiate
something and you misreadsignals and that gets shut down,
or you get into the moment andand then and then you get the
question of wait, wait, hold on.
Are you seeing other people?
Or you know, or or or you arelike in the middle of it, and

(09:24):
your teenage kid is not supposedto be with you that morning, and
they show up at the house andjust walk in the house, and
you're you know, having somefun.
So, like, that's even less sexythan than having this talk.
So, like, that's I think thatgoes into the world of
traumatizing for everyoneinvolved.

(09:46):
Yes.
So, so the the way I I'm gonnacontextualize this and kind of
reframe it for the dadslistening is having these
conversations is is kind of aform of foreplay.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, it's not it's notbuilding, it's not it's not
killing a mood, but it's it'smore around more around the idea

(10:11):
of you're you're building trust,right?
You're you're showing thatyou're mature, that you're
thoughtful, that you'reintentional, you're an adult,
you're showing respect for forher, for yourself, etc.
And so, you know, let's let'stalk about just the concept of
that and and and why that'simportant.

SPEAKER_02 (10:31):
The way you just said that, that having the
conversation and taking care ofsome of these logistics
beforehand is foreplay.
I think that is that is anawesome way to look at it.
Women love to know that sexualencounters, sexual advances are
not casual on your end.
Yeah.
No woman wants to feel like sheis easily replaceable, just like

(10:53):
any other woman, and that sexwith her is no big deal to you.
No woman ever wants to feel likethat.
Showing the forethought and thecare around, well, I want to be
sure that we're in a place that,you know, is relaxed and safe.
We're not worried about anybodyshowing up.
You know, we're gonna talkabout, you know, preventing
pregnancy.
We're gonna talk about, youknow, whether or not we're

(11:14):
involved with other peoplesexually, or whether or not
we're just going on dates withother people.
Putting all that out there, um,I'm gonna throw in there, you
know, when was the last time yougot tested for any STDs, STIs?
You want to throw that outthere.
And and let me let me bring intothis what we've mentioned in a
lot of other dating contexts.
Women are more vulnerable thanmen in a lot of situations in

(11:36):
life.
When it comes to pregnancy,women experience a level of
vulnerability that exceeds whata man does.
I'm not saying men don't havevulnerability.
Obviously, every single dad outthere knows that you are very
vulnerable when you when you getsomebody pregnant.
But we don't carry the child.
Our bodies don't go through,don't go through those shifts.

(11:57):
There is, you know, we it's notvisible on us in the workplace
that we have a baby that'scoming and people don't look at
us differently.
It's it it is the impact on thewoman is significant.
Similarly, a lot of STDs andSTIs affect women deeper than
they do men.
When we show care for those canfor those those real concerns,

(12:20):
and when we are proactive, we'renot waiting for the woman to
bring it up.
We're like, hey, I just want tolet you know I'm I'm serious
about you.
I'm just I already scheduled I'mgonna go get tested.
You know, yeah.
This is this is how I'd like todo this because I'm I'm
interested in this and I want totake care of you and us in the
process.
Coming back to your word, thatis sexy foreplay before you

(12:42):
actually get into the bedroomwith each other.

SPEAKER_01 (12:44):
Yeah, and we're gonna get into talking about I
think those are two, you justbrought up two of the really
biggest ones, the exclusivitything and the the STDs or STIs,
whatever you call them, is is animportant conversation.
But but I think I think we're inagreement on on the fact that
and and you know this can thiscan be this can be utilized as a

(13:07):
buildup, right?
If you do it in the rightmanner.
Again, talking about how you howyou prepare yourself, how you
are mentally and emotionally,how you step into this
conversation, it can be it cancreate a sexy kind of
anticipation and and build up tosomething if you do it right.
So if you can think of it in inthose terms that it is foreplay,

(13:30):
if you can make it maybe alittle bit playful and and and
and create that mystery or uhanticipation uh around it, that
can be that can be great.
And you're building trust at theat the same time.
So that's that's great.
Let's talk about when not totalk about this or how not to
talk about this, because I thinkthat's really important.

(13:52):
And and for us guys like Mike,like myself, I've you you know
me good enough now to like itmight be like a checklist,
right?
Like, okay, we're at lunch andwe're gonna, you know, it's like
a business meeting, we're gonnabe talking about having sex
today.
And you know, so let's let'sjust be clear.
Don't do it via text, likethat's not the time.

(14:12):
And and actually I've had thishappen in the reverse, like
having it brought up on on text.
And I'm like, oh man, this isnot like a text conversation
that we should be having.
So so don't do it, you know,during during or don't do it via
text.
Another one, and this is onethis is this is funny because I

(14:34):
I talked to my daughters aboutthis.
Don't do it like in the middleof a makeout session, right?
Or or like we talked about lastweek about how to get to that
point.
Like, this is not you don't wantto make decisions, and you also
don't want to put anybody,including yourself, into that
position during during that thatthat time.
And then the third one I'm gonnasay, and then I'll I'll let you

(14:56):
comment on all those, is likenot the first or second date.
Like, just you know, you you youmight be really, really
attracted.
And and that's not to say thatthings don't escalate sometimes
on a first or second date.
They they can, but probably nota great idea, guys.
Uh unless you're beingcompletely open, completely

(15:18):
forthright.
Like you both have likebasically taken everything that
Dallas has taught you over allthese weeks and months and like
package that into three hours,which if you can do that, I want
you to write a book or like sothat you can like package it and
you're gonna make millions ofdollars.
We'll help you do that.
But but that's probably likeunlikely to happen.

(15:40):
So comment on like those threetimes not to do it, and then
we'll talk on like what arebetter times to to do it.

SPEAKER_02 (15:47):
Okay, well, I'm really glad I I I've been making
a checklist of the items as youlisted them, and I I think I
have them in my head.
So the first one, don't don'tcommunicate some of these things
over text.
The reason for that, in in caseit's not very clear, is you're a
lot of the communication is lostover text.
There's no tone, there, andthere's no body language,
there's no eye contact, there'sno presence, there's there's a

(16:10):
lot of subtle things that arenot being read, both in her
response, but also in yourinitial delivery that are not
going to come across.
You want that this is a delicateissue.
This is an issue of safetyfirst, fun second.
You need to be sure that shefeels safe.
Because if a woman doesn't feelsafe, she's not going to be
opening up and fully enjoyingand participating in insects.

(16:33):
She's just not.
So doing it over text, you arerobbing yourself of the
opportunity to provide her withthose feelings of safety.
And you're robbing yourself ofreading her response and her
reactions to see how comfortableis she.
Like you said, this can be avery sexy moment of foreplay
where you can really give a verystrong, sexy lead as a man.

(16:57):
You want to make the most out ofit.
And doing that over text robsyou of that opportunity.

unknown (17:03):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (17:03):
That was checkbox number one.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (17:05):
And I just I just want to add to that, like in
general, texting is not arelationship-building tool,
right?
So if you're and andunfortunately, lots and lots of
people in our society havestarted to utilize this as a as
a way to have these difficultconversations without looking
somebody in the eye and doingit.
And so just avoid that, guys.

(17:27):
Like, if you start to get intoit, it's simple.
Hey, I think this is a bet thisis a conversation better had in
person.
What does Tuesday look like foryou?
Or let me let me take you tolunch and let's let's let's chat
on whatever.
But like try to avoid that.
It's just it's not it's notbeneficial, and it doesn't build
any kind of connection.
It doesn't in it doesn't augmentand and and help the

(17:50):
relationship.
Like it lacks so much contextthat it usually will create more
problems.
So I just want to say that it'sjust a general rule, period.
Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 (18:01):
When with the the analogy, the image I give to the
men that I work with is tryingto communicate meaningful,
important things through text islike trying to breathe through a
cocktail straw.
It's not meant for that kind ofthat kind of volume.
It's just not.
It's way too limited andconstricting in the connection.
So texting is for setting upstuff, quick check-ins,

(18:24):
information.
You can be a littleaffectionate, you can be a
little playful, but theconnection is not built over
text.
Okay.
The second checkbox items wasdoing it in the moment.
Having these conversations inthe moment.
So you said something reallyinteresting buried in there was
you don't want to make anydecisions in the heat of the
moment.
I think that's the mostimportant part because it's sort

(18:45):
of it's sort of like howalcohol, you get that in your
system in the bloodstream, itstarts having chemical
reactions, judgment becomesimpaired.
Same goes for the chemicals inyour body when you start getting
aroused.
Your judgment becomes impaired.
You start to make differentdecisions in that moment of uh
romantic intoxication than youwould make when you're sober.

(19:07):
You want to make those decisionsbeforehand of what your limits
are, of you know, have youscheduled a time or gone and
gotten tested?
And again, doing thatproactively as a man and making
the decision that you're goingto do it rather than waiting for
the woman to ask, it is going tomake her feel like she is so
well Dakengera.

(19:27):
She's going to be in the mood.
You know, and but but so I feelthat you should make your
decisions before you're in themoment.
But when you're in the moment, Ifeel that it's okay to share,
you know, the feelings.
It's okay to share these things.
It's okay to share, you know,like I'm, you know, I'm really
looking for this.
I just want to let you know thisis in the middle of making out.

(19:49):
I just want to let you know, Iwent ahead and scheduled an
appointment with a doctorbecause I just want that to
already be, you know, anon-issue.
That's incredibly sexy to sharewith her in the middle of making
out.
And that could, again, furtherescalate things and create even
more anticipation.
Making decisions in that moment,not a great idea.

(20:10):
Sharing where you're coming fromand what's going on in this
whole process, I think that canbe quite effective.

SPEAKER_01 (20:16):
Yep.
And maybe another general rule,life rule, is don't make any
decisions during a time ofheightened emotions.
And that can be whether arousalor anger or satin, like
whatever.
A heightened emotion is juststop.
Like, don't.
I mean, you can have the emotionand go with the emotion, but
yeah, don't make a decisionduring a heightened state of

(20:39):
emotion.

SPEAKER_02 (20:39):
Yeah, don't sign any contracts and don't don't ride
your motorcycle when you're in aheightened state.

SPEAKER_01 (20:44):
Those are the two rules of life.
That's the whole philosophybehind spies and female spies
and getting information, youknow, getting them in this
heightened emotional place, andthen start asking questions.

SPEAKER_02 (20:56):
And it's like, I'm under duress and I'm telling you
I love you and I shouldn't.
Yes.
Yeah, absolutely not.
Okay, and the third point, boy,okay, the third point was like
like in the first or seconddays.
Yeah, jumping into it.
Right.

SPEAKER_00 (21:09):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (21:09):
So yeah, I I mean, sometimes you feel it, sometimes
it happens.
But I think what we have torealize as men is okay, again,
our sexual energy as men isgoing to be different than the
sexual energy with women.
Men tend to fire themselves upand be ready a lot quicker than
than women are.

(21:30):
There's there's goodevolutionary reasons for this.
There's nothing wrong with it.
But realize that that hot flamethat you're feeling in the
moment, that's just a raw hotflame.
It hasn't been tempered yet.
A tempered heat, a temperedmasculinity.
And by tempered, I mean yousaid, you know what, I am so
ready to take you home rightnow, but it's only been two

(21:52):
days.
And I don't want to do that justyet.
You know, if that's what I'msharing with a woman, and I'm
and I'm not asking her, and thenbased on her reaction, I'm
making that call.
If I'm choosing to temper myselfjust because I feel like it's
the way I want to be, and partof that could just be, I want it

(22:14):
to bottle up in her more.
I want her to be just as hot andready for this exciting sexual
encounter as I am.
That's a really good reason towait, is so that you can give
her the time and the opportunityand the anticipation needed for
those hormones and thosefeelings to really start to get

(22:34):
up to the same level that you'rein.
And guys, the more her desire ispresent in that bedroom, the
better the sex is going to be.
And the more anticipation, themore time you know, you give her
to let all of that get fired upinside of her, the more that
desire is going to be present.
If you're doing it on the firstor second date, okay, obviously

(22:56):
there are exceptions, like wejust fall head over heels for
each other.
We've all been there.
That happens sometimes.
But if you're pushing to make ithappen, which is kind of like
the tactics of like, oh, youknow, three strikes and she's
out if we're not being sexual bythe third date.
I'm sorry, that's just that'sjust baloney.
Um you you want if you want goodsex, and for me, this is about

(23:19):
having good sex, this wholeepisode.
It's not just consent, it's goodhot sex.
Yeah, you need you need toexercise a certain amount of
discipline so that she has thespace to heat up and match you,
and both of you are gonna have agood experience in bed.

SPEAKER_01 (23:35):
Right.
I think the key to what you justsaid is low pressure, right?
This has got to be low pressure,it can't be high pressure.
And and and tell me what youthink of this is basically I
feel like for guys, if you'reready, then you should wait just
a little bit longer, right?
Like you're ready, but just waitjust a little bit longer because

(23:58):
then you're probably gonna matchthe time frame where you know
we've talked about women beingslow cookers, right?
Like we're we're on fire,they're slow, they're slow
cooking.
If you're ready, maybe just say,okay, I'm ready now, but I know
that I need to wait just alittle bit longer because that's
gonna match.
And hopefully, you know,hopefully you're you're

(24:20):
cognizant of and aware enough toto to read where where she's at.
But if you're not, and you justneed something that's like a a
marker, like you're ready, waitjust a little bit longer, okay?
So if you if you can't figure itout, or if you're or even if
you're just having challengeslike I often do, uh just say,

(24:41):
okay, I'm ready, but I'm gonnawait just a little bit longer
and it's uncomfortable.
I know that's what Dallas andJudas said that's gonna help me
match her.

SPEAKER_02 (24:49):
Is that fair?
Do you think it's totally fair?
It's totally fair.
And you know, it's it's it'scommon, I think it's commonly
understood or accepted, or atleast believed, that you know,
men are less sensitive to socialcues and being intuitive than
women are.
You don't say.
And I think it's true.
And it's you know, and I've beendoing research lately, you know,
about the autism spectrum tosort of learn more about this

(25:11):
because you know, and I'mlistening to some of these
descriptions and I'm thinking,okay, I'm generally considered
to be a fairly intuitive,sensitive guy, but I think I
might have autism, you know,like I might be high
functioning.
When I ask myself, because whatthey're describing, I'm I'm
thinking, does this this is likeevery man?
Like every man couldself-diagnose himself at some

(25:33):
level, you know, of being on theautism spectrum.
Obviously, I'm saying all ofthis in jest, you know, and and
I'm not making fun of peoplewith all you know with autism.

SPEAKER_01 (25:42):
And I'm not making my next date when I get in
trouble.
Well, yeah, sorry, I think I'mon a spectrum.

SPEAKER_02 (25:48):
Yeah, and I'm and I'm not and I'm not trying to
say, all guys, you should have amental complex like you do.
I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying that, you know,out of the gate.
But but the advice you justgave, which is what is a good
rule of thumb that we can useconsciously, that we can use,
you know, in as a placeholder ofintuition and sensitivity,
that's that's actually one ofthe tools that people that are

(26:11):
on the spectrum use veryregularly.
They we need to break it down tosimple, basic things.
Okay, so doing this with my headwhere I'm making eye contact,
you know, essentially uh havinga mental timer going of how long
you've been talking before youpause and check in with the
other person.
This is something that actuallyevery man should practice doing,

(26:33):
probably every woman too, butwe're talking about the man
side.
Right.
You know, learning how to dothat.
So having having a rule of thumbsaying, you know what, I'm
ready.
I'm it's a it's a fairly goodassumption to say one of the two
parties is ready when I'm ready.
That's a good starting place.
And then pause and ask yourself,okay, so how ready, if I had to

(26:54):
guess, how how much is thiswoman at the same level of
ripeness for you know for havingsex that I am?
And you just pause and you askyourself that because you know
that statistically speaking,guys are gonna be ready faster
than girls.
So you you hit the pause and youask yourself that question.
That's the main that's the mainchallenge is to is to slow down

(27:17):
and ask myself, if I had toguess, what is she feeling?
Not where do I want her to be,but what what is she showing
signs of of being in the state?

unknown (27:28):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (27:28):
And when you say, you know what, she looks like
she's just as hot and heavy andready to go as I am, okay, then
you know.
Then then you go, then you knowthat the two of you are at a
similar place.
And again, if your if your goalis to be at a very similar
level, that is gonna take thepressure off of her.
That's gonna show quote unquotesensitivity, that's gonna that's

(27:49):
gonna show patience, that'sgonna show all of the, you know,
the the old-time word isgentlemanly qualities that every
woman wants that shows respect.
The respect is just giving hertime to warm up and get to the
place that that you're in muchquicker.
But I think I think it's good,like you said, to have a rule of
thumb in place, and then thatrule of thumb within it is our

(28:12):
opportunity to develop thesensitivity.

SPEAKER_01 (28:14):
Right.
And so we want it to be lowpressure and and and and part of
that is the communication.
So you're having the the thetalk.
Some of this is gonna, some ofthis feedback's gonna be
actually from having theconversation with her.
And so so I I feel like we talkabout low pressure, but but also

(28:35):
the time, the good time to havea conversation is when you are
connected.
Like I've got a like a fewdifferent situations, but but
they all boil down to thatyou're you're having uh a moment
or some time of real connectionwith with with her.
You're not texting, you're noton the first date just doing

(28:55):
intros or out dancing orwhatever it is.
You're maybe at the end of agreat date would be a good one,
or maybe in the middle of whenyou're ri relaxing somewhere,
having a relaxing time, maybeglasses of wine together or
relaxing on the couch or orsomething like that, where where
you're in a moment where you'rehaving a connection to where

(29:17):
she's open, where you can thenhave a low pressure conversation
and then uh and then bringthings up like, hey, I'm really
enjoying where this is going.
I'm feeling like a strongconnection, like some
conversation around that.
And then that's where you'regauging what she's feeling,
because then that just uh itkeeps it an open-ended

(29:39):
conversation.
She's open, it's an open-endedconversation, and then you can
gauge, and you have to get youhave to do less guessing.

SPEAKER_00 (29:46):
Is that fair?

SPEAKER_02 (29:48):
You know it didn't make sense, or is that is that
off base?
So the word conversation for meis always very neutral, and
neutral places for me are notthe most effective places when
you're looking for masculine,feminine polarity and dynamics
and and taking it to a hotplace.
I for me, the idea of I want tohave a conversation about having

(30:09):
sex, I want to avoid the feelingof it being a conversation as
much as possible.
If I'm if I'm telling her, hey,you know what?
I actually already got testedbecause I'm Into you.
I already decided a while ago.
I'm don't I'm really interestedin dating with you.
I went ahead and got tested tomake sure it's out of the way.
That for me isn't aconversation.
That for me is simply tellingher and giving her, you know, a

(30:32):
gift on my end of my ownpreparation.
Okay.
And I don't need her to reallysay anything in return.
I can, you know, and I don'thave to share that immediately
when it happens.
We can be getting up to thepoint where we're feeling the
anticipation, we're ready.
And I can go, well, by the way,I got tested two weeks ago
because I already knew that Iwanted to be with you and I

(30:53):
wanted to make sure that youwere safe in the process.
Me saying that is not aconversation.
That was one-sided.
And she's like, Thank you.
You did what I wish every manbefore had done, which was
completely remove theawkwardness from the moment.
And if she says, Well, you know,I want to get tested too, I'll
be like, that's fine.

(31:13):
I just wanted to make sure thatI'd already cleared the path on
my end.
You go do what you need to do.
You know, and and again, I guessyou can call that a
conversation, but we're notreally discussing, we're not
coming to a mutual decision, youknow, in in I'm telling her what
what I've already decided, andthen I'm letting her decide what
she's comfortable with on herend in return.

(31:35):
And well, that for me maintainsthe hot spicy dynamic.

SPEAKER_01 (31:40):
Okay.
I I agree with that.
How do you then have that sameyou know approach in talking
about the exclusivity part of itthen as well?
Because that's the those I thinkwhere we agree are the the two
big ones to to kind of chatabout.
And what is that conversation ornon-conversation?
Statements.

(32:00):
Let's use that.
Because I think that's that's athat's a better way to to to
describe what we want to do.
We want to be making statementsabout what we're what we're
feeling or directions or orstuff like that.
Does that is that a better wayto describe it?

SPEAKER_02 (32:14):
That is that is so perfect.
And and so I'm going to makestatements.
So when it comes to exclusivity,I certainly hope that I'm not
trying to divine myself and whoI am around exclusivity based on
my interaction with this woman.
I should have figured out longbefore I met this woman where I

(32:34):
stand on my level of exclusivitywhen it comes to sexuality.
And the way that statement wouldcome up is, you know, I'm
talking to the woman and say,just so you know, I'm the kind
of guy that only sleeps with onewoman at a time.
I'm I'm only interested in beingwith you and not with any other
women because that's what I'mlike.
She wants to know that you'rebeing exclusive because that's

(32:56):
part of your DNA, because that'spart of your psyche, your
makeup, that you, that that'spart of your identity.
I mean, gosh, going way back tolike episode like one or two
that we did, these questions ofidentity.
I'm the kind of guy that that isonly sexual with one woman at a
time and there's a break inbetween.
That's that's what I'm like.

(33:17):
I'm not I'm not telling her,hey, do you want to be
exclusive?
Do you want us to be exclusive?
That sounds so much more wimpy.
Because, first of all, it's aquestion, not a statement.
And second of all, it's allcontingent on my relationship
with her.
And that causes a burden on herend because she's going to
wonder, well, but what happensif us, if we are not quite in

(33:40):
that place, what if we get alittle shaky?
That then is is his exclusivityalso going to become shaky?
Is it also going to be sort ofput at risk?
Where if he's telling me, look,just so you know, you know, if
we get to the place, you know,where we're being sexual, I'm
only going to be sexual with youbecause that's the way I roll.

(34:01):
That's just what I'm like as aman.
Again, that's a statement.
I'm sharing it.
She's most women are going to belike, dang, that's hot.
You know, that is, that isexactly what I want to hear from
a man because it makes me feelsafe.
And it, you know, and and by theway, you know, like there, I can
see all the guys out there, butwhat about being a nice guy and
you're bringing up exclusivity?

(34:21):
Yeah.
Let me just finish.
I'm not saying, I'm not saying,hey, I will you be my
girlfriend?
I really this isn't coming froma needy place.
I am sharing and makingstatements about how I define
myself and how I identifymyself.
That's not being a nice guy,that's being a self-defined man.
Very, very different.

SPEAKER_01 (34:42):
That's what I was going to clarify that, which you
just did, perfectly.
And the other thing I was goingto note is that that is it feels
counterintuitive.
It feels counterintuitivebecause we're taught, hey, we
need to, we need to check in.

(35:02):
We talked last week about thewhole consent thing and like
where we're at in our society oflike asking the questions and
getting like a signed documentthat's notarized that I can you
know make out with you now.
And and the the craziness thatwe've we've gotten into and how
we've moved away from thingslike you just described, which
is that's the that is amasculine way in which to

(35:27):
conduct yourself, which ismaking the statements.
And like, and like you justsaid, you you weren't saying
anything about definingrelationships or propositions of
marriage or like anything likethat.
You're stating like what youare, what your values are, what
you're doing in your life, andhow you're showing up there.

(35:48):
And then she has the option ofwhat she wants to do.

SPEAKER_00 (35:53):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (35:53):
And let me add one more piece.
I'm telling her what she canexpect from me if she becomes
involved with me.
Yeah, I can tell her what shecan expect from me if she gets
into a relationship with me, andI'm telling her what she can
expect from me if she gets intobed with me and we become
sexual.
Women want to know that they'resafe.

(36:14):
That is that is ingredientnumber one in order for any
romance and sex to be happeningwith a woman, is they have to
feel safe.
Letting a woman see who you areand what they can expect from
you as an individual separateman from them, what they can
expect from you, that is thehighest level of safety that

(36:34):
they can feel.
If what they can expect is basedon some kind of arrangement or
agreement or a conversation thatis two-sided, that is going to
be inherently weaker than mesimply presenting, this is how I
deal with STDs, STIs, this ishow I deal with being sexually
exclusive, this is how I dealwith pregnancy.
And to come back to your point,I, you know, I need a certain

(36:58):
level of emotional connection inorder for me to be sexual with a
woman.
This is important to me.
If we don't have an emotionalconnection, I'm not interested
in being in bed with you.
When you share these pieces,which are again, every woman
wants to hear these things froma man.
Don't use these as lines.
Find them within yourself.

(37:19):
Because when you have thesewires plugged in inside
yourself, you are settingyourself and her up to have a
really, really hot sexual sexlife together when you do that.
But again, coming back to it,statements as opposed to
conversations, way moreeffective, way simpler, way
shorter, way cleaner.

(37:40):
And and it leaves the woman justgoing, boy, why would I not want
to get involved with the manwho's bringing all this to my
doorstep?

SPEAKER_01 (37:47):
Yep.
Okay.
And so that gets us to the pointwhere we might have some
consensus, if you will, that,yeah, okay, we're we're kind of
both ready on this, and you'vekind of stoked that fire, and
you're getting things up to a uha nice.
She's about to take his shirtoff.

(38:08):
I can see it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, we won't, we won't, we won'tburden anybody with that.
But uh, you know, makes me wantto go to the gym, right?
Get a good workout in.
You want to look good naked.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
But so now the like thelogistical, like the least,
least, like if talking aboutabout exclusivity and and stds

(38:31):
and tests and stuff were notlike unsexy enough.
Now you got to become like alogistical coordinator.
You've got jobs, you both gotjobs.
You probably live like who knowshow far away, and you have kids
and schedules and all kinds ofother stuff, and now you got to
become a logistical coordinatorto actually then figure out like

(38:57):
it's it's not gonna be the backof the car, right?
Hopefully, right?
It's not gonna be.
Oh, what's wrong with the backof the car?
You know, what's wrong with theback of the car?
Back of the car can be fun,probably not you know, to start
out with.
But anyway, probably not thefirst time, yeah.
Yeah, so how do we then makethat in this masculine frame
that you talked about, makingstatements, coordinating this?

(39:21):
Like, this seems really, reallycomplicated now.
Is like, okay, if even if you'vemasterfully got to this this
point, you've got the calendar,whose place is it gonna be at?
Like, yeah, what time do you gotto get up in the morning?
Like, how do we know?

SPEAKER_02 (39:39):
The last time I showered.
What's the thing if I've been atwork all day?
Yeah, right.
What are my feet gonna smelllike when I take my shoes off?
Yeah, yeah.
All of that comes into play, allof it.
Okay, so here's here's the realtrick, which is which is the
thing beneath under underneathall of that.
So there's a logisticalquestion, which I'm gonna say is

(39:59):
creating a space in a containerof availability where in which
sex can happen.
The problem is if we if creatingthat container also has an
expectation for having sex, thatthat then takes away the
spontaneity and it can quicklybecome a burden, a
responsibility, and even a choreon the woman's side.

(40:23):
This is the this is the bigproblem when you're inside of a
relationship, is sex starts tofeel like a chore to a lot of
women.
That is that is the opposite ofwhat you want it to feel like.
So we have to create a limitedcontainer of time and freedom
and availability, and we need tosomehow let it spontaneously

(40:44):
come up.
And boy, is that tricky to do.
And the way the way you have todo that is you have to you have
to realize as a man, I've got myplan of action, I want this to
happen.
Cool, awesome, that's great, andyou've done everything.
You have to let go of your plan.
Because if sex is just youexecuting step 13 of the plan,

(41:07):
that's not gonna feelspontaneous and attractive to
her.
She's going to feel like she'sjust another mechanical
component in your plan.
That's not going to turn her on,that's not going to make her
feel like the beautifulblossoming flower of the moment
that you can't resist.
That's how she wants to feel.
That's the experience.
So the trick is you've set upthe plan, you've created the

(41:28):
conditions.
What is the uh oh, the flight ofthe concords, you know, business
time.
You know, conditions are perfectfor having sex.
If you haven't seen this video,look it up on YouTube.
Business time.
I have conditions are perfect.
There's nothing good on TV,conditions are perfect.
When what you want to do is whenyou get into that moment, you
have to let go of your plan as aman.

(41:49):
You have to let go of theexpectation that this is going
to happen.
Because letting go of theexpectation, paradoxically, is
what is going to increase thechances that it will happen.
And the way that you do that, soif you let go of your plan and
then you're just waiting on her,uh, that's still a burden.
That's still, that's still justanticipation.
You're still planning andwaiting, but you're, but you've

(42:11):
now just handed the control overto her side.
And that, you know, and thatdoesn't feel good, and that's a
burden on her, and then you feelcompletely powerless.
That doesn't work either.
What you want is the thirdoption.
You've let go of that plan.
You don't know what's going tohappen.
You're in the unknown.
You don't know how this is goingto play out.
It might even happen in thebackseat of the car after the

(42:32):
concert.
It might.
It you have, and you have to bein the unknown of how it will
play out.
And in that unknown moment, youhave to check in with yourself
and ask yourself, when am Ireally feeling that chemistry?
When is the moment arising inme?
And then you share that arousal,that moment of arousal with her.

(42:55):
And you're like, and it couldbe, let's say you're out at a
concert, it could be right inthe middle of the concert, and
you're like, God dang it, I wishthis concert would end because I
really want to be alone withyou.

SPEAKER_00 (43:06):
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (43:06):
Okay.
I didn't plan to say that in themiddle of the concert.
I didn't plan it, but that'swhat I'm feeling in the moment.
And I'm sharing with her myreal-time desire for her.
And she knows the differencebetween a scripted planned line
and one that is coming from youin the moment right there.
And when it's coming up, she'slike, Boy, this guy's, you know,

(43:30):
he feels it when he feels it andhe wants it when he wants it.
For all you know, she might say,you know what?
I am too.
Do you want to cut out of thisconcert early and you know, like
get back?
Heck yes.
Never mind the concert.
You know, like we're gonna,we're gonna seize the moment.
So when you follow yourintuition and you let it come up
organically and naturally insideof you, that is going to that is

(43:53):
coming from a place of feelinginside of you and emotion, not
your head, from feeling.
And women are feeling creatures,they want to respond to your
feeling.
And when your feeling of desireis really present in the moment,
that is what's going tocommunicate to her and have the
greatest impact on her.

SPEAKER_01 (44:12):
Okay.
So if I'm understanding youcorrectly, it's that you can
create opportunity for it andhave intentionality around it,
but don't be tied to an outcome.

SPEAKER_00 (44:27):
Is that is that a creative.

SPEAKER_02 (44:31):
Yeah, create the container, but don't dictate
what's going to how it's goingto play out inside that
container.
And like you said, don't try tocontrol for outcomes either.

SPEAKER_01 (44:42):
Right.
So so you're you're still you'restill creating the uh
opportunity through uhscheduling a time to get
together.
Maybe that's a dinner, or maybethat's your cooking dinner.
Or whatever, maybe it's aconcert, or maybe it's a weekend
away, right?
Like or an overnight to themountains or or something.
So you're still creating theenvironment for the opportunity.

(45:04):
Your your intention, right, isthat you would like that to
happen.
Um but again, I think it's agreat, I think your point, and I
want to I just want to highlightthis, is that like you don't
know what happens throughout anygiven date or time frame.
Like something might happen, andthen the it's just not there,

(45:25):
right?
And it could be for you, itcould be for her, it could be a
circumstance that that comes up.
And so the the best laid plansare then like, oh, well, this
was it was great, or it was fun,or or it was a catastrophe,
right?
Like I've had lots of those too.
Yeah, and you just can't be tiedto the outcome of what you
wanted it to be, because thenit's just not going to be the

(45:47):
experience that that you bothwant.

SPEAKER_02 (45:49):
Yeah, it's not gonna be sexy, it's gonna feel forced,
it's gonna feel controlled, andit's and most importantly, it's
a plan coming from your head.
A woman doesn't want to feellike she's just step whatever in
your plan of getting laid.
That that that's up in her headtoo, because you're coming from
your head.
From your head in your plan,you're creating the opportunity,

(46:12):
you're creating a container, youknow, whether it's a weekend
away or whether it's justcooking dinner together.
You've created this container.
What happens inside thecontainer, you need to let that
be a spontaneous, spontaneousset of events that are coming
from a place of feeling, they'recoming from in the moment,
because the more you're comingfrom a place of feeling and urge

(46:33):
and and and raw in the moment umspontaneity, the more that's
going to connect with herfeelings and spontaneous nature,
the more effective it's going tobe to really arouse her and turn
her on.
We we have to trust in that.
And to your point, things mightnot play out, like, oh, somebody

(46:54):
had a bad day at work, somethinghappened, oh my gosh, it
actually turned into tears, andnow we're crying, you know, and
we're holding a woman when wethought we were going to be
having sex with her and allthese things.
Dude, go with the flow, go withthe flow, go with the flow, be,
you know, like let go of theplan.
Dude, I know it's hard.
I every man has a plan and wewant things to happen.

(47:15):
Let go of the conscious plan,let the feelings happen, follow
her feelings, she'll follow yourfeelings.
And we've all been in this placewhere suddenly, you know, it's
like, oh, there's only 12minutes left in the date, and
suddenly somebody just gotturned on.
They were crying for the last 20minutes, and and suddenly now
we're horny and we're gonna havethe best sex, and that sex is

(47:36):
gonna last exactly seven minutesand 28 seconds because there is
so much emotion that has beenbuilt up.
And you know what?
That's some of the hottest sexthat you can possibly have
because you didn't try tocontrol it.
You didn't try to put you youplan the container because you
have to do that as a single dad.
You have to create these momentsof opportunity.

(47:58):
But inside the container, you'reyou're a totally feeling man,
you're a totally spontaneousman, you're a totally in the
moment man.
And you're not worried about itbecause, like, like she knows,
well, don't worry, you know,it's like right now we need to
be in motion, we need to talkabout this, we need to unload
all this, and suddenly you turnaround and she is so ready for

(48:18):
it.
Yeah.
That that does, you cannot planthat.
You cannot create that.
You have to be in the moment forthat to happen.

SPEAKER_01 (48:25):
Yeah.
And so I I do want to I do wantto clarify when when you're
talking about not controlling,there are there are components
of what you can control herebecause you have to.
The logistics you have tocontrol.
What you're describing is thecontainer.
That's the the logistics ofokay, we're we're cooking dinner
together at my house onWednesday.

(48:47):
You don't have your kids, Idon't have my kids, and we've
got the evening.
There's some a movie we've beentalking about watching, and
we're gonna watch that, andwe're gonna do like yeah.
So you're you are controllingsome logistics, you're
controlling the environment thatyou are creating.
Let's put it that way.

SPEAKER_02 (49:04):
Yeah, a safe container for these things to
happen then.

SPEAKER_01 (49:07):
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I the the container thing alwaysgets me.
I don't I don't know that thatit doesn't resonate with me.
I don't know if it resonateswith guys sometimes, like
environment, like yeah, the theopportunity, like so here's kind
of a here's the reason.

SPEAKER_02 (49:21):
Okay, so here's the reason I'm here's the reason I'm
saying it's a container, isbecause there is a barrier.
Uh I have set up, I have set upa fish tank.
Okay.
I have set up some kind of a asome kind of space, and there is
a barrier of what's outside ofthis space and what's inside
this space.
That's why I'm calling it acontainer.

(49:41):
I want the two of us to have aspace in which we can be free,
and we know we have this time,and we are protected from
outside influences.
Okay.
They are outside of thecontainer, and what's inside the
container is free and clean andcan do whatever it wants and be
spontaneous and have fun.
We don't have to worry about,you know, kids coming home

(50:02):
unexpectedly on days thatweren't that weren't ours.
We don't have to worry about,you know, people from work
calling us and interrupting.
We've created a barrier whichinsulates us and protects us to
have a space in which we can dowhatever we want.
Yeah.
So for me, that's why I call ita container.

SPEAKER_01 (50:18):
Right.
And that's what and that's whatwe have control over.
Correct.
That's what we have controlover.
And then within that, the theoper the opportunity may or may
not arise, depending upon theconnection, the evening that
you're having, the feedback thatyou're getting, and hopefully,
hopefully you know being in tuneto uh the environment that you

(50:40):
like, how you show up.
That's gonna, that's probablygonna be the number one factor
as to what the outcome is, ishow you show up then after
you've done all this logisticsand created that container and
everything else, is and let's solet's let's end up, let's finish
with that.
So so we've done the logisticcontainer creation, and we've

(51:01):
like and we've had theseconversations before.
You've made your statementsaround, and then all right, like
we've got time.
Yeah, we've got the time.
Well, maybe, maybe not.
Like it depends on how you showup and what you bring to to
that, and you know what's wellwhat do you got to do how to
prepare for that?

SPEAKER_02 (51:22):
And how spontaneous are you in the moment?
Because here's one of thethings, and uh, this is in the
book that I'm working on WomenLove Unicorns.
Men that have a spontaneouscomponent to themselves.
We have structured plans, butthen we also have spontaneity.
That spontaneity in the moment,I'm gonna share how I'm feeling.
The spontaneous is wow, we needto we need to turn off the stove

(51:45):
and stop cooking because there'ssomething really important that
needs to be shared here.
And it is way more importantthan us getting this meal
cooked.
We're changing the plan.
Being spontaneous like that isvery sexy to a woman.
She wants to know that you canread the moment, and this is
this is really the the the thethe the guiding principle is
that you grant permission to dowhat feels right in the moment.

(52:10):
You're granting permission to wewere watching this movie and you
and you go, you know what, thisfeels this is not the way I want
to spend the next two hours withyou is watching this movie.
I want my attention with you.
I'm changing it.
I'm granting permission tochange the plan.
You know, we're cooking thisfood, but you know what?
Damn it, I want to take you tobed.
Like, I'm granting permissionfor that to be okay.

(52:31):
And you know, or we're gonnawe're gonna leave this concert
halfway through because I wouldbecause we would both much
rather spend the time alone thanhere, then staying here
listening to this concert thatwe're both kind of into.
Granting permission to break therules, even if they were just
the rules that the two of youset like a minute ago of what
you're gonna do, that is very,very sexy to a woman.

SPEAKER_01 (52:53):
That that really turns them on.
Tell me why, because my manbrain goes, Ah, I paid for
tickets, we want to stay here,or I'm hungry, I want to finish
dinner.
But female brain is very, verydifferent, and and this is a
really important point.
Like this is why I listen towhat Dallas has got to say

(53:13):
because this is a huge pointinto the female brain, and it
can unlock some gloriousopportunities for you if you
listen to what he's about tosay.

SPEAKER_02 (53:24):
Yeah.
Okay, so I'll jump into thefemale brain just a second, but
first let me tell you why it'ssexy to me in my male brain.
I bought the tickets, I canthrow them in the trash if I
want to because I bought them.
They're my tickets.

SPEAKER_01 (53:39):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (53:39):
I made this plan and I decided that it's not the plan
that I want to execute tonight.
I can throw it in the trash if Iwant to.
I built it, I can tear it downbecause I'm a man.
That's what I get to do.
I get to destroy and change andrework my plans because I
realize there's a better planthat just presented itself to
me, and I want to do that plan.

(54:01):
Okay, yeah.
So, that for me, that that'swhat frees me up to be
spontaneous and to grantpermission to change my mind and
go, you know what?
I was wrong about this.
Let's go home.
Let's get it on.
And when you say that and you'reshowing that you're flexible and
that you change your mind andthat you're being spontaneous in
the moment, showing thosecharacteristics as a man, that

(54:22):
is a huge turn on for a woman.
That will make her attracted toyou because she realizes you're
not overly rigid and you're notjust, you know, executing some
static, you know, set of things.
Okay, that's for the that's forthe man's brain, because we want
to feel sexy about this withourselves on an intrapersonal
level.
When it comes to the woman,women, women worry about a lot

(54:46):
of stuff in life.
Their level of anxiety onaverage is a lot higher than the
average level of anxiety formen.

unknown (54:52):
Right.

SPEAKER_02 (54:53):
They're worried about all kinds of things.
They're worried about, you know,am I doing this right?
Do I need to do that?
Am I am I in the way?
Do I, you know, am I pleasingthis?
Or it's it's there's so manydifferent thoughts and all these
responsibilities that theythrust on themselves.
I talk about not burdening thewoman.
Part of the reason is becausewomen burden themselves
naturally, just being in theenvironment of, oh, all the all

(55:15):
the lost puppy dogs need to betaken care of and they're cold
in winter.
As men were like, you've got tobe kidding me, right?
Like, come on.
You know, they're worried aboutthe squirrels in wintertime
being out in the snow.
And it's like, this is nature,people.
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
They take those things on, andthat is a those are those are
burdens that they put onthemselves.

(55:36):
And there is a a structure and arigidity and a uh how do you say
it?
There is a there is a a a senseof obligation that has been
thrust on them, that they havethrust on themselves or that
society has thrust on them.
There's a sense of obligationthat they're under.

(55:57):
When we can grant thempermission to go, for screw it.
We're gonna do this.
I'm giving us both permission tobreak the rules.
And when you're competent andstrong enough of a man to say,
don't worry, I'll handle theconsequences.
If if we are having sex in thebackseat of the car and
something happens, I'll dealwith it.

(56:17):
You know, we're I'm grantingpermission and she feels safe
because if she grants permissionfor herself to break the rules,
she's really, you know,vulnerable if she does that.
But if she's got a nice, strong,competent man who is there to
provide even more safety andprotection in these moments, it
lets her break the rules.

(56:39):
Because I'm telling her, youknow what, let's go off into
that in that direction thatwe've never been in.
I'm granting permission and itmakes it that much easier for
her to go, oh God, yes, I'm sotired of having to live by this.
And then suddenly she's in thevery feminine place of being
free and open, you know, andfeminine sexuality, when it

(57:00):
opens up, boy, can it be wild.
It can be so expressive and youknow, crazy is really the word
for it, because it's there's nomore brain, you know,
consciously running the show.
Yeah, there is a veryenergetically available, wild
sort of sexual energy in thefeminine, but we have to grant

(57:23):
them permission to go there.
We have to tell them it's okayand it's safe to let go of all
those rules.
And that's why it's attractiveto them.

SPEAKER_01 (57:34):
So we talk all the time about the different ways,
well, I do at least, right?
Because I'm got male brain, andand we talk about the the
different ways in which wethink.
And women are very, very drivenby emotion.
That's why they change theirminds often and are kind of like
uh we've described it in thepast as the they're like the
sea, and we're like the the shipin the sea, and the sea's like

(57:57):
kind of going all over theplace, and you it's you know,
good weather, it's bad, likeit's all over the place.
And so what you're what you'redescribing is by being
spontaneous yourself, by by usallowing that within a context,
right?
We're this is and and this isn'tlike planned spontaneity.
You're just saying, hey, I'mfeeling that she's feeling like

(58:19):
what like let me let me help letme help that that that wave
build up a little bit bigger,and then I'm gonna get on my
board and I'm gonna ride thatwave because it is getting
bigger and bigger, and this isgonna be a ride that is gonna be
amazing.
And you know, I wasn't yeah, Iwasn't planning on getting on my
board, but I'm gonna throw mywetsuit on and I'm gonna let

(58:41):
that wave go, and I'm just gonnaand and if that means we're
leaving the concert, or thatmeans we stop cooking dinner or
whatever because I'm starting tofeel it.
You're still in control ofeverything, you're just like
going with those emotions, andthat's that's for us that's for
us, that's more spontaneity.
For them, that's just kind oflife, right?
Like it kind of in general.

SPEAKER_02 (59:03):
It's letting them, it's letting them bring out
their true nature, and it isbeing spontaneous.
And you said earlier of aplanned spontaneity.
That's a total oxymoron.
We cannot plan the spontaneity.
We plan the container.
I'm sorry, I'm just gonna keepusing the term where we have an
internal space that's for us,and we and everything is outside
of the boundary on the otherside of the container.
And inside of that is guys, andthis is the hard switch to make.

(59:26):
You let go of the plan, youembrace the unknown, you let
yourself be in the moment, youlet yourself go, nope, not
feeling it, not feeling it.
Nope, now I'm feeling it.
And you share that with her, andshe feels it, and and you're in
that flow.
And then that wave, like you'resaying, it starts to surge.
Gentlemen, that is when you grabyour board and you catch that
wave and you ride it, and youcannot create that wave.

(59:49):
All the planning in the worlddoesn't create that wave.
The planning creates thecontainer, the space, the the
availability for the wave tosurge and for you to ride it.
But it you cannot create thatwave.

SPEAKER_01 (01:00:03):
Yep.
Really important.
The opposite, and so to justbring it full circle and put a
bow on it.
The the opposite is there mightnot be a wave.
And don't be don't be tied to toan outcome, right?
The the weather conditionsmight.
Be great, you might have yoursuit and your board already, but
it's just not, and that's okay,also because you mentioned real

(01:00:28):
much earlier if you allow thatto to build, and there she knows
that there's there's safety inthat not happening, that the
next time you know it's gonna bebetter, or maybe not the next
time, maybe the two or threetimes, whenever.

SPEAKER_02 (01:00:45):
But it's gonna happen.
And just realize that, you know,yeah, inside of that moment, you
had that three hours, that fourhours of date making dinner,
going to a concert, whatever itis, and things didn't line up,
they didn't happen.
If you get bent out of shapebecause things didn't go
according to your plan, that'sgoing to turn her off for the
next one.

(01:01:05):
Because she's gonna realize, oh,he's not really letting me be
myself.
He's gonna get upset because Iwasn't in the mood according to
his plans.
Okay, that's not gonna help forthe next time.
If you're like, yeah, it didn'thappen.
I mean, yeah, okay, I'm a littlebummed.
I, you know, I wish it would,but it's totally fine.
The more that you're in themoment allowing things to flow

(01:01:25):
that the way they are, you'll beamazed that the very next night
she's like, Oh my God, I wantyou so bad.
Is there any way that you candrive over after work?
Can you cut out from work likejust an hour early before you
pick up your girls from school?
Because I really need to jumpyour bones.
Like, after last night, I am soturned on.
That can suddenly appear out ofnowhere because you've allowed

(01:01:49):
the flow to happen.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:51):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:52):
Guys, you you have to realize like there is so much
value in creating that masculineframe in which all of these
things can happen.
And you have to allow for thefact that like you're fooling
yourself if you think you'reactually creating any of this.
You're not.
You're creating an opportunity,you're providing her with a
steadfast, solid rock that shecan count on, but you have to

(01:02:16):
catch the wave, as Jude says,when it appears, not when you
create it.

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:21):
Yeah.
Dallas, last thoughts for forfor for the dads.
It was a lot of information,guys.
I know, and it, you know, everytime I listen to Dallas, I get
very excited and motivated, butthen I'm and then I'll walk away
and I'm like, oh my god, wetalked about waves and slow
cookers and containers.
And I'm like, holy crap, there'sa lot.

(01:02:42):
I need to go back and I need tolisten.
On that point, yeah, getinvolved with with Dallas and
the community and and the guysand the and the field work and
and all that stuff.
I say it every episode, butagain, there's no there's no
better way to learn this stuffthan from the master and and
being involved in the community.
But last thoughts, my friend.

SPEAKER_02 (01:03:03):
Okay, last thoughts.
Uh two pieces of advice for whenyou are finally riding the wave,
clothes are off, you guys are inbed, you know.
Two pieces of advice.
One is the man's uh sexualsatisfaction is much more
guaranteed than the woman,statistically speaking.
So focus, make sure you'refocusing on her enjoyment and
her pleasure more than your own.

(01:03:24):
A lot of guys forget this, andall you're really doing is
balancing the scales when you'redoing that.
Number and the other thing tokeep in mind is slow it down,
take your time.
She'll enjoy it more, and you'llyou'll just extend the moment
more.
From women, these are the twothings that I've heard from
women again and again and again.
They wish men would take moretime to really focus on the
woman's pleasure, and they meantthey wish men would just take

(01:03:47):
more time in the whole process.
Keep those two rules of thumb inmind.
Like we said, all men struggleslightly from autism, so keep
those things in mind.
Yeah and then and then try toread the moment and see what
there is.
Jude, what what last pearls ofwisdom would you like to throw
in there for the especially fromthe dad side of all this?

SPEAKER_01 (01:04:05):
I don't have well from the dad side of this, to
just to just piggyback on whatyou said, why wouldn't you want
to extend this as long aspossible, right?
You've had all of this build up,all of this, like and all like
just enjoy it, man.
Then the ride that way, likehopefully it's taken you a long,

(01:04:26):
long way, right?
Like, don't the only time thismonth, so you know enjoy it,
like bask in it, yeah.
So I guess you know, because weare busy dads, and like then
you're gonna have to go throughall this to schedule and do all
that another time.
Like, take your time.
I agree a hundred percent.
Enjoy that, like, you know, bethere and and present, and you

(01:04:48):
know, make it uh make it awesomefor both of you.

SPEAKER_02 (01:04:51):
So absolutely session coming up here soon,
don't we?
I think it's um when thisepisode drops, I think it'll be
the yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (01:05:03):
November 20th.
So let's see.

SPEAKER_02 (01:05:06):
Tell the guys how they can get the details for
that so they can jump in with alive QA here with both of us and
you know ask even more stuffthat we can't actually say on
the air.

SPEAKER_01 (01:05:16):
Yeah, yeah, right, exactly.
We can get uh we can get veryintimate and detailed and maybe
hopefully not too graphic, butdude promises to keep his shirt
on.

SPEAKER_02 (01:05:26):
He promises.

SPEAKER_01 (01:05:27):
Yeah, Jesus, everybody is praying for that
for sure.
If you check out the the whatprobably the easiest way is go
to the divorced advocate.com andthen go to the events page.
And on the events page, it's gotall of our events for for the
dads, but it's got the uh ask adating coach QA, which is

(01:05:47):
Dallas, and then you can justyou can find the the zoom link
there, you can add it to yourcalendar directly there.
So the events page atthedivorced advocate.com.
And guys, if you've got anythingelse going on during your
divorce, post divorce, we've gotresources for you there to check
out the rest of the website andand Dallas.
Uh how do they jump into thewhat what is the community?

(01:06:09):
What is what do you call thecommunity?

SPEAKER_02 (01:06:12):
Uh it's just the black box, yeah, black box men,
black box dating community.
I mean, there it you're you'rein the community if you're a
part of the men's coachingprogram.
And the men's coaching programhas included it's a it's a
monthly subscription, veryreasonably priced.
It comes with the uh level onedating mastery for men.
It comes with weekly officehours where there's a
motivational topic and we candiscuss anything going on in

(01:06:35):
your dating life from what's agood dating idea to what do you
say in your text message, to youknow, we're looking to take this
to the next level, maybe intothe bedroom.
And, you know, I'm not surequite how to do that.
She doesn't seem to beresponding.
And the last part, which isreally kind of the icing on the
cake, is the field work that wedo in person uh the last Friday
or Saturday of each month.
Jump on over toblackboxdating.com to check out

(01:06:57):
all those details.

SPEAKER_01 (01:07:00):
All right.
Jude, this has been always apleasure, my friend.
Great conversation.
I appreciate it.
I appreciate all your wisdom andsharing it with everybody.

SPEAKER_02 (01:07:08):
We'll talk next week.
Thank you, Jude.
Talk to you next week.
Take care.