23 - Secrets to Cold Approach: How to Leverage Scarcity and Get Her Number

Swiping promises abundance; real life delivers clarity. We’re talking about how divorced dads can ditch the dependency on apps and create warm, natural conversations anywhere—grocery lines, coffee shops, hardware stores—that actually lead to dates. The secret isn’t a magic line. It’s state, presence, and a clear invitation delivered with respect.

We start by breaking down why in-person beats online: you and she both get a true read on energy, voice, humor, and ease within seconds. Then we flip the frame from “cold approach” to “warm approach.” Instead of trying to get a number, you create comfort, assume light familiarity, and offer an invitation that feels safe and specific—“Coffee Saturday?” lands better than “Can I get your number?” We also dig into timing and context: when to approach, how to acknowledge a friend group, and why “respect + playfulness + clarity” is the winning combo.

The engine behind it all is state. Scripts fall apart if your body is tense and your mind is chasing outcomes. We share a simple “winner” frame you can step into on demand, so your voice slows, your smile relaxes, and your presence does the heavy lifting. Add one weekly practice—one compliment, zero expectations—to build warmth on contact and rewire your identity as a man who takes his shot. Along the way, we touch on modeling confident behavior for your kids, setting boundaries to lower stress, and building momentum without forcing results.

If you’re ready to turn chance moments into real connections, this is your playbook: warmth first, invitation second, outcomes as a byproduct. Subscribe, share with a dad who needs it, and tell us: where will you take your next shot?

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_01 (00:19):
Hello, and welcome to Dads Dating After Divorce,
the only podcast helping us dadsdating after divorce and
traversing the wild andinteresting world of dating
after divorce.
My name is Jude Sandval.
I am the founder of The DivorceDadvocate and your co-host.

(00:41):
My co-host is Dallas Bluth,founder of Black Box Dating and
Dallas.
Good to see you again.
Good to see you too, Jude.
Wonderful to be back for anothersession together.
Absolutely.
And I just got to preface this.
We were mentioning we weactually haven't talked in a
couple of weeks.
So you you kind of had somestuff going on.
We pre-recorded some of these uhepisodes and uh and and launched

(01:04):
those.
And and then I was gone.
I was hunting, and then I'vebeen back, and and as soon as I
got back, I got sick.
So I just want to let everybodyknow I sound like I don't know
what I sound like.
I sound I just don't soundgreat.
So bear bear with us.
Hopefully, Dallas will do mostof the talking today.
And and and and I'll limit it.
I've got my my throat spray, mylozenges, my my tea, my

(01:27):
everything lined up.
I might be muting myself on andoff, which y'all won't be able
to see, but but hopefully itwon't throw Dallas off uh too
much.
He'll I'm sure he'll still, asalways, be on his game.
But we're gonna fight, we'regonna fight through it uh today,
and we're gonna talk about somewe're gonna talk about something
that I think I think is kind ofexciting, kind of interesting,

(01:48):
and that's cold approaches.
Right?
So man, like you I think a lotof people get worked up and and
excited and kind of and and youwould have more insight into
this, but get kind of concernedabout doing cold approaches.
And and and the reason so andand I don't know exactly why,

(02:10):
and and maybe that doesn'tresonate with guys our age quite
as much because once upon a timeit wasn't there wasn't like we
didn't even know it was calledcode approach cold approach.
This was just this was just howyou met women.
Yep.
Is you went and talked to themin person, face to face.
There wasn't texting, therewasn't Instagram, there wasn't,

(02:30):
you know, there wasn't online,there wasn't any of this.
It wasn't even called coldapproach.
It's like you want a date, yougo talk to a woman.
That's that's it.
And and and and I'll give youthe background, Dallas, and of
why this why this came up andwhy I thought it was
interesting.
Are you do you know who BillAckman is, the the the
billionaire um founder ofPershing uh Pershing Square

(02:54):
Capital Management?
He's a hedge fund guy.
Okay, so he's an you know, he'san amicable, seemingly nice guy,
and I've heard him talk, and andI think he's always got pretty
you know pretty pretty good uhheart about things.
And he posted something thisweek on on X, and I and I'll
read it to you.
And it's and it and he says, Ihear from many young men that

(03:16):
they find it difficult to meetyoung women in a public setting.
In other words, the onlineculture has destroyed the
ability to spontaneously meetstrangers.
As such, I thought I would sharea few words that I used in my
youth to meet someone that Ifound compelling.
I would ask, quote, may I meetyou, end quote, before engaging

(03:39):
further in a conversation.
I almost never got a no.
It inevitably enabled theopportunity for a further
conversation.
I met a lot of reallyinteresting people this way.
I think the combination ofproper grammar and politeness
was the key to itseffectiveness.
You might give it a try, andyes, I think it should also work
for women-seeking men as well assame-sex interactions.

(04:01):
Just two cents from an older,happily married guy concerned
about our next generation'shappiness and population
replacement rates.
So, you know, I I the it's goodnatured, right?
May I meet you?
I don't know.
We could talk about theeffectiveness of that.
He's kind of gotten roasted andit's become a meme now around

(04:23):
all this this stuff because it'sit's such a yeah, may I meet
you?
He talks about being propergrammar, being respectful.
And so, you know, people havekind of made fun of him about
that.
I I I feel like this very thisis very well intentioned and
good advice.
And so give me a first your takeon that, and then maybe we'll

(04:45):
let's dive more into well, let'swe'll start with may I meet you?
Is that a good idea?
And then let's get into maybesome technique for for the dads
listening on on how we do that.
As usual, I've got my notes andkind of like how we start down
this, but give me your give meyour first impression of of
Bill's advice.

SPEAKER_02 (05:06):
So my first impression of it is yes, it does
sound formal and it sounds alittle dated.
It totally does.
Sometimes when I'm talking withguys in their 20s, I am
literally taking notes on wordsI have to look up.
It's almost like a differentlanguage sometimes.
I it really is.
And it's not just like shortabbreviations, it it really is
almost a completely differentlanguage.
So I I can see how somebodysaying, May I meet you, can

(05:30):
sound incredibly foreign dated,almost from the 1800s.
I I I get I get where that'scoming from.
But let me just point out, Ilove the way that he wrote this
message that he posted online.
It was incredibly supportive, itwas incredibly loving.
He called out that, like, I'm anolder guy, I'm married, been
there, but I just want theyounger generation to feel good
about this thing that I feltgood about and that my

(05:53):
generation felt more comfortablewith.
He was offering it in a sharingplace.
The fact that everybody has toturn around and turn into a meme
and roast him is just it'spetty.
You know, the guy's coming froma good place, and we get so
little of that.
I think it's horrible that wetear it down when it happens.
Anyways, tiny little soapboxmoment right there.

SPEAKER_01 (06:10):
Yeah.
And I don't think, you know, IBill's a bit a big guy, right?
He's a billionaire.
He's been uh happily married,raised a family, he's been
remarried also.
So I'm I'm sure that he's not soconcerned about getting roasted,
you know.
He's in he's in board, he's inboardrooms and and and doing
activist investing and stuff.

(06:30):
So he's he's he's a big boy.
But I I agree with you.
I I really appreciate the thecontext and way that in in in
the way that he came across indoing this, wasn't
condescending, wasn't talkingdown to the to the other
generations, etc.
Just providing some feedback ofwhat was successful from him.

(06:52):
And I think that's a good point,too, is we get into our
conversations here all the time,right?
About how to do this and that.
And and really it's gonna comedown to what you're comfortable
with yourself.
It might be may I meet you, andthat might fit your excuse me,
your personality perfectly too,and probably fits his
personality, and that's what youwant to come across.

(07:14):
So so just know that even thoughwe're gonna talk about stuff
coming up here and kind ofskills and stuff like that, find
your own rhythm and figure outyour own way to to do this and
make this feel comfortable.
But but the key thing, and and Ithink what we're gonna get into
here is that what he's talkingabout in in talking about and

(07:38):
approaching people is is beingrelational.
Right?
We're looking for a relationshipin approaching a woman, and
approaching somebody and talk tothem is being relational, right?
You can't do this via onlinemessaging or Instagram messages
or text messages, none of thoseare relationship building skills

(08:02):
or tools, and and so that's whatI appreciate about that.
And so maybe we can start withlike why why you know why we we
need to bother with doing thisas a as a cold approach?
Why do we need to start withthis?
And when we start with this, arewe working, are we working

(08:24):
backwards from our goal?
Do we do we want to start withlike are we trying to get a
number?
Are we trying to get a date?
Or are we just really trying tostart with being relational?

SPEAKER_02 (08:36):
Right.
So, okay, when it comes to coldapproach, which is approaching
somebody in public that youdon't know.
It's not nobody's introducingyou.
This is essentially a stranger.
Even if you're sitting next tothem at the bar, they're still a
stranger, and that's a coldapproach.
Okay, the reason for doing thisis pretty simple.
It's way more effective thanonline.
Um online, it is very, very easyfor women to swipe left.

(08:59):
In person, if you approach awoman and speak to her, it is
way harder for her to just swipeleft on you.
I mean, that she has tocompletely shut you down.
And if you're coming up andyou're being respectful, you
know, may I meet you?
If you're being if you'representing yourself well, if if
you're if you're dressed well,if if you're bringing,
particularly if you're bringingconfidence and charisma to the
table, you are presenting apackage that is very, very

(09:21):
difficult to deliver in anonline format.
It's very hard to get that vibequickly when somebody is just
swiping left, watching theirnext streaming show, you know,
checking their email from workand like, you know, and their
dogs like jumping all over themor something.
When you cold approach someonein person, you're going to get
way more of their undividedattention.

(09:43):
And you're going to get way moreof a shot because you have more
of their undivided attention.
They're also going to be able toget a real vibe.
What is your presence?
They're going to get a sense ofwhat is your attractiveness, not
how photogenic you are, not didI pay some photographer to take
some pictures, not did I happento be wearing the outfit or in

(10:04):
the place that catches your eye.
When you meet someone in person,you get a much more real sense
of who they are very, veryquickly.
Cold approach gives us that.
There is no sense of tempo,speed of speech.
Someone does not get to hearyour voice when you're on an
online dating app and they'rejust swiping left and right.

(10:25):
That has a huge impact.
You could have, you know, youcould have the most annoying
voice in the world and a sexyface, and they're going to swipe
right all day long and chat withyou and never know, you know,
certain elements.
And the same goes for arrogance,same goes for uh being very um
self-absorbed.
All of these things get pickedup on very quickly in person.

(10:46):
Or, you know, if you have thegood qualities that you're
bringing to the table, thosealso usually they can be spotted
from across the room.
The, the, you know, the gait,you know, the the the speed at
which you move your body, howyou plant yourself, how grounded
you are.
It's almost impossible to beable to display these in an

(11:06):
online format.
And when you're in person, juststanding next to somebody at the
line at the grocery store, allof that, if you have really
developed it, just comes outnaturally.
That is why that is why coldapproach is effective.
Well, that that's that's themain reason.
The second reason is nobody'sreally doing it.
But I'm gonna stop there for asecond and let you chime in.

SPEAKER_01 (11:28):
Yeah, no, well, let's let's let's get into that
in a second.
But I I also wanted to add thatyou talk you talked about the
vibe and the energy, but you'realso discerning what's you know
what her energy is like andwhether or not you want to
pursue this.
So that's kind of why I wassaying, do we work backwards

(11:50):
from like what our goal is, ordo we just approach this as
being just relational, five fiveseconds of some something to
just discern whether this iseven somebody that you want to
pursue further as well?
Because if you're in yourmasculine energy and you're

(12:12):
bringing a kind, like you said,respectful, maybe fun, loving,
int or interesting, whatevervibe you have.
I mean, everybody's vibe isgoing to be different, right?
And you're met with an energythat is not reciprocal to that,
like you've got your answerright away, right?
So you're not you don't need tobe pushing this if it's uh an

(12:34):
interaction.
Like we all have interactionswith uh people uh like all day
long, where some of them arelike, oh man, I really liked
that.
Like that felt good.
And some are like, oh God, Ican't be like, I don't want to
see that person again, right?
So this is helping you to makeyou know just discerning
discerning whether or not thisis a a high quality person that

(12:54):
that you want to interact.
And and I always want to remindthe the dads about that, because
I think dads start the dads feellike they're at a deficit when
they're doing this.
You are you are qualifying asmuch as anybody else is is
qualifying out there as well.
So let's talk about that.

SPEAKER_02 (13:12):
Okay, so yeah, I love what you're saying, and
it's totally true.
If we look at it not as howother people are perceiving us,
but how we are perceiving theother people and how we are
filtering.
So we filter when we're ondating apps, we filter by age,
we filter by height, hair color,you know, depending on the
dating app you're at, you know,you're you're filtering all
different ways.
In person, and then even thoughwe use those filters on dating

(13:35):
apps, then you meet them inperson, and then you find out
that there was about a 90% gapin your filter for what you
actually are attracted to.
So we've all seen that, right?
You're like, oh no, you know,and and you know it in the first
like two seconds, two and a halfseconds.
Exactly.
You're like, oh, I guess I gottasit in this coffee.

SPEAKER_01 (13:53):
Yeah.
Swing a mess.

SPEAKER_02 (13:55):
In exactly.
In person, we filter naturallyand we do it effortlessly.
It doesn't take that much work.
We're just like, well, I'm notgonna hit on her, and wow, I
really want to hit on her.
It just happens naturally.
We can see the attraction.
When we're online and we'retrying to figure out what are we
looking for, we have to work alot harder.
We have to, you know, you got toswipe through a whole bunch, and

(14:16):
then you have to like stop andgo, like, okay, is that is that
a body shot?
Can I tell?
Like, what's what are theyhiding?
What are they showing?
You know, like it's hard to getyou know a feel for what what
you're really looking at.
And then, like you said, hervibe, you want to make sure
that, okay, you're bringingattractive vibe, but does she
have the vibe that you want?
And you'll talking to her forliterally five or 10 seconds,

(14:38):
you know, you know, was it uhmay I meet you?
If that resonates with you andthe way that you want to do it,
she, you know, if if that ispart of your style and your
vibe, you know, and honestly,that's part of my style.
I like to be a little more, alittle more formal, a little
more dressed up, a little more,you know, sapiosexual, if, you
know, if you if we're gonna usea filter term from the dating
apps.

(14:59):
Yeah, right.
You know, um, I likeintelligence turns me on.
I want to present that.
And then does she like look atme like I'm from from Mars?
Or does she look at me and go,oh, okay, I like this guy
because he's actually using moreproper grammar?
That immediately tells uswhether we're compatible or not.
And it is very important from apersonal first-person confidence

(15:21):
point of view to do exactly whatyou said.
We have to qualify them to besomething that we're looking
for, and we have to bring thebest package on our end to make
sure that we have hopefully anopportunity or the as many
opportunities as we can for themto be interested in us.

SPEAKER_01 (15:38):
Right.
So, so we could just wrap thisup with saying it the reason it
matters is it's going to be it'sgoing to save you so much more
time because as a divorce dad,you've got so much going on.
And you've got you know, thisthe dating app, when we've
talked about this in pastepisodes, gives you this idea of

(16:01):
abundance and and the illusionto the illusion, right?
Yeah, the illusion of abundance,and it's just it's not, it's not
true.
And in by by approaching womenin person, you cut out all of
that, like what you justdescribed, which is you see her,

(16:22):
she's attractive.
You're not going through allthese filters, these filtered
photos, full body shots, no fullbody shots, like you know, what
is she actually that age, notthat like whatever, right?
Yeah, you you see her, it's alldone immediately, like, like you
know, it's basically uh youknow, God's design for us to be

(16:43):
attracted to somebody, right?
And then then you have theability to to go and then have a
conversation.
And so let's let's talk aboutthen that.
Okay, so that's why it matters,guys.
Like you're gonna saveyourselves just a ton of time
and effort and like all thisstuff and not having to deal

(17:03):
with this.
And and let's talk, okay, let'stalk about it for a little
second, a quick second, becausea couple of things.
So you have done, I've done alot of a ton of online dating,
right?
You have done prolific work inonline dating.
You know online dating, andobviously you're dating a
relationship coach.

(17:23):
So let's let's talk about thethe the fact that I I get so
okay.
The last uh Q ⁇ A we had, one ofthe guys said, Well, but you
know, Dallas, where do I meetwomen?

(17:44):
Right.
And you're like, Well, like whenyou go out of your house, don't
you see women?
I mean, basically, I think thatwas your response.
And it's like, you can meetwomen anywhere.
Because I think his question waslike, Well, I'm not young, I
don't go to the bars anymore,and I don't do this.
But your point was like, womenare everywhere, and you can meet

(18:07):
women anywhere.
And so let's uh let's talk aboutthat now, and like compared to
like this online dating stuff,and then moving this to the
direction we should be taking.
Okay, go.

SPEAKER_02 (18:19):
Okay, I get I get that.
That's like the top question iswhere do I meet women?
And the the the the true answeris women are virtually
everywhere.
They are.

SPEAKER_01 (18:28):
Yes.

SPEAKER_02 (18:29):
What I think the question is actually asking is
where can I meet women with withlow to no effort?
Where are women low-hangingfruit on the tree?
And it's beautiful and it's ripeand it's ready to pick, and I
don't have to make an effort,and I can just go and collect
it.
That's really, I believe, whatthe question is when a guy's

(18:50):
asks, where can I meet women?
It's where is it easy for me tomeet women and I don't have to
make a lot of stuff, oh, andthey have to be attractive, oh,
and they have to all beinterested in me, no matter how
I show up.
That's the real question thatthey're asking.
And that, okay, and and we haveto be honest with ourselves as
guys.
If you're asking that questionand you're complaining that it's
so hard to meet women, guys,you're being passive.

(19:12):
There is nothing masculine orsexy about being passive.
Women are everywhere.
And what we have to see is thatwe have to, we have to transform
the barriers that are around us,and most of those barriers are
actually just inside ofourselves.
Is I can't talk to this womanhere that's in the supermarket.

(19:33):
Well, who said that exactly?
Where where was that rulewritten?
Yeah, there are some socialrules, but for the most part,
that rule is just existinginside of you.
And you can break it the momentyou you grant permission for
yourself to break it.
So where do I meet women?
Okay, there's the location, youknow, the you know, at late post
office at the supermarket.
Are they always going to bethere?

(19:55):
No.
But here's here's one of thethings that I actually, you
know, teach my guys to do is youwant to leverage the scarcity
principle.
So, you know, in online dating,there's an illusion of
abundance, and we start kickingback because it's like we have
this illusion of a feast infront of us, and there's tons of
low-hanging fruit, and I couldget any of it when I want.

(20:16):
It's an illusion because usuallyyou don't actually get any of
it.
Okay, when you're in person, youdon't have that illusion.
You look around, you know,walking into, you know, wherever
you're going, and you're notgoing to see that many options.
You might not even see anyoptions.
You go out to a bar with thespecific intention of meeting
women, usually you won't see anyoptions.

Okay, here's the thing (20:37):
you want to embrace that.
You want to realize there are nogood options here, there are no
good options here, and you letit build up inside you.
You use that scarcity to buildup the energy inside of you and
go, you know what?
Well, I'm gonna be ready whenshe is there.
I'm gonna be ready when she isthere because I'm realizing she
doesn't walk around, she's notthere every time I go out.

(21:00):
A woman that I want to ask outisn't always there.
So that means that when sheactually is in front of you,
then you pull the trigger.
You know, you just got back froma hunting trip.
You know, it's you don't have ananimal crossing your path.
You know, and like you'rewaiting and you're waiting and
you're waiting.
When that when that animalcrosses your path, if you
hesitate, you're going to losethat very small window.

(21:23):
You need to, because it's scarcemost of the time, and then
suddenly you have your shot, youknow, literally your shot when
you're hunting.

SPEAKER_00 (21:31):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (21:32):
You want to use this, you want to use this
scarcity to build it up and torealize, okay, yeah, there are
women everywhere, but not thewomen I want to ask out, or I'm
looking, she's got a weddingring on, you know, or she's got
kids with her and and a weddingring, or you know, what whatever
it is.
But but you use that scarcity,it's kind of like building up
pressure inside, but a good kindof pressure.

(21:53):
And the pressure is my owndesire to meet a woman that I
find attractive.
You want to you want to leveragethe scarcity so that you have
the fuel, the combustion.
You know, you've got a roundloaded in the chamber and you
are trigger happy.
So that when when that when thatbeautiful deer crosses your

(22:13):
path, you are like, I am notgonna hesitate to take my shot.

SPEAKER_01 (22:17):
So leverage the scarcity.
That's the that's the the thethe quote for this episode.
Leverage the scarcity.
And I I feel like that as as aman, a lot of us have gotten
lazy because of the onlinedating, because of how the uh
how society has started to meetpeople or not meet people.

(22:39):
I see this with my daughters allthe time.
I'm like, why?
What is why are you guyscommunicating via Instagram?
Like, why are you DMing?
Like go talk to him or or havehim talk to you.
If he's gonna talk to you, thenyou know, like you said, he's
gonna be I like leveraging thescarcity, right?
Like he's going to be taking hisshot because that's what he
needs to be doing.

(23:00):
And that indicates somethingmuch, much bigger and larger
subconsciously to her thananything, like anything else
that you can possibly do.
Great photos, well groomed, likewhatever else, just that you're
taking your shot is is huge.

(23:21):
And so so talk about that forone second, about that.
And then I want to get intospecifically like some
techniques around location, whento approach, not to approach,
and we'll and and we'll get intothat.

SPEAKER_02 (23:36):
Okay.
Yeah, great point because thescarcity works in two
directions.
We as men have a scarcity ofwomen that we want to approach.
You leverage it, build it up sothat when your opportunity is in
front of you, you take yourshot.
Same goes on their end.
Women, you know, I hear itconstantly.
They wish men would approachthem more, obviously,
appropriately.

(23:57):
And obviously, they want theguys that they want approaching
them to approach them, andthey're, you know, they don't
like that they're not.
But the but the fact remainsthat most women are scarcely, I
know I'm using grammar weirdlyhere, but they are scarcely
approached.
They don't, there isn't a hugeabundance.
They don't have three to fivemen per day that are good
candidates walking up to themand asking them out.

(24:19):
They don't.
If they did, cold approachingwouldn't work because every guy
is doing it.
Right now, if you're the guythat takes his shot, you are the
scarce man.
You're the rare guy that hasthat has the cojones, you know,
that has that has the primalcourage.
And and you know, the this isanother term I use with the
guys.

(24:39):
You're you're you're beingeffective on a primal level.
If I'm gonna walk up and take myshot, it doesn't matter how I'm
dressed.
I could be coming from one placeto another.
It doesn't matter.
You know, I I mean, sometimes,you know, I'm doing a DIY
project.
I go into Home Depot, I haven'tchanged my pants, I've got
drywall stuff all over my shirt.
It doesn't matter.

(25:00):
You can transcend the way youlook in any one particular
moment.
She can tell the differencebetween, you know, some knuckle
dragger, you know, who's got,you know, nothing to offer, and
some guy who's actually justdoing a DIY project at home and
can transcend it.
She knows the difference.
Um, similarly, some guy that'sall business and always wearing

(25:20):
a suit and he leans on that, youknow, he leans on his money, but
you know, and and but it'sactually just a form of
arrogance or you know, thinksthat he should have something.
Women see through that too, andthey want to know who's a guy
that can transcend and go, nope,I totally get real.
I get, you know, I changed theoil on my car myself or
whatever.
There is a there's a primaleffectiveness to masculinity of

(25:43):
being competent in in many areasof life that every woman finds
attractive.
No woman has ever said, gosh, Ireally hate how this guy can
really just do lots of stuff andget it done.
Yeah.
No woman has ever said that.
And when a guy brings that tothe table, she it causes her to
relax.
And that and that is a vibe thatyou bring to the table.

(26:05):
So so real to so to your point,it when when the opportunity
presents itself and you bringthe type of raw, masculine,
primal energy there, it's theenergy itself, not the
packaging, yes, it does matter,but the energy is what really
counts.
And it is very, very scarce.

(26:25):
Women are not used to men withthat kind of energy approaching
them, and they're not used tobeing approached in person at
all.
And they find it reallyrefreshing when it's done
respectfully, when it's donewith a bit of charm, with it's
done when it's done withplayfulness, and of course when
it's done with confidence.
Women love it, they ask for it,they want it, and they're not
getting enough of it.
So when you do it, you'releveraging scarcity on your end,

(26:48):
and you're leveraging scarcityon their end.
And I've completely forgottenwhat your follow-up question
was.

SPEAKER_01 (26:53):
Yeah, no, so what the next one is let's talk about
some do's and don'ts about that,because they they do want it,
but we do often I thinksometimes it may oftentimes
surprise women because they'rejust so not used to it anymore.
And so I think the first thingwe said was, okay, be
respectful, right?

(27:13):
Like you gotta the energy thatyou're bringing has got to be a
good energy, okay?
It can't so these do's anddon'ts that I want to talk about
is how do you show up not being,you know, not coming off creepy,
not coming off.
Well, number one, if if you'rejust doing this to get a date to
get laid, then you're gonna comeoff as creepy.

(27:33):
So just forget about everythingwe're gonna say and turn off the
podcast because this is not whatwe're you know, this is what
we're we're we're conveying andand trying to help you to do.
Like there's a million likepickup artists gurus online that
that you can listen to for forthat.
But but we are gonna talk aboutsome specifics and like when to
and when not to approach.

(27:54):
And I think one of them, whennot to, is like don't interrupt
a woman who might be doingsomething.
Like uh if you're at a if you'rea coffee shop and she's working
or on a call or something likethat, like you know, don't.
That's it.
You might see her, you might beattracted, you'd be like, oh,
yep, there's my you know,there's my shot, but it's not

(28:15):
your shot.
Like don't don't if she's busyor otherwise occupied, you're
just you're not gonna get you'renot gonna get her attention
enough to be able to allow herto get an emotional vibe from
you, and you're not gonna beable to sense an emotional vibe
for her.
So is that is that fair to say,like, you know, if they're if

(28:37):
they're wearing headphones andmaybe working out, is that a
like at the gym?
Is that a sign that they don'twant to be a pro?
It's like because a lot of butand so here's this is this is
where it's a delicate balancebecause a lot of society is just
like occupied all of the timeand distracted all of the time

(28:58):
with headphones or something.
And so like how do we balancethat and how do we truly know if
she's occupied and we shouldn'tbother her?
Yeah.
And what are those what I'mgonna what I'm calling is like
an open signal.
So maybe you are at the coffeeshop and then she's off her
computer and she's maybe lookingaway and sipping her coffee.

SPEAKER_02 (29:19):
Yeah, and you try to jump in, and you try to jump in
in that split second.
Okay, so here's the here's theproblem with with I I hear what
you're saying, and there istotal validity to it.
And okay, if let's just let'sjust say if a woman is on a
video call, definitely do notapproach her and talk to her.
For sure.
Okay, like clearly, like, do notinterrupt that.
Uh, if she's chatting with herfriends and they're in like the

(29:40):
depths of it, yeah, but can younot approach it all?
I wouldn't say that'snecessarily true.
You know, if you're in thecoffee shop, they're in the
coffee shop, you've been therefor 30 minutes.
Is is it never appropriate?
I would, I wouldn't, I wouldventure to say no, it you should
be able to approach, but you'reapproaching two people.
Realize that.
Okay, but so let me okay, sothere's there's so much here.

(30:02):
Let me let me come back.
This episode is about coldapproach, okay?
Let me tell you that your numberone goal with the cold approach
is to make it a warm approach.
Okay, the way you make it a warmapproach is it's not just I'm
trying to get her number.
I'm trying to get laid.
I'm trying to get a date.
I'm trying to get something fromher.

(30:23):
That's cold because you'retargeted, you're penetrating,
and you're trying to getsomething from her.
You're trying to get in and kindof get to something and kind of
get out, sort of.
You've got too much of amission.
Okay, that's that's cold becauseit's precise.
It's like a scalpel, you know,you're and you're going in with
it.
Right.
Women don't respond well to thatform of penetration that is way

(30:43):
too early and soon for them tobe penetrated by you.
And yes, I'm using the wordpenetration suggestively here.
Women want to be warmed upfirst.
They want to have a warmapproach.
They want to have one.
So if she is chatting with afriend in a cafe, you want to
walk up and acknowledge thereare two people there.
She could be talking to a man ora group of people.

(31:05):
You want to approach andacknowledge the entire group and
show that you are the sort ofman that has enough
self-assuredness, you arephysically and emotionally
certain to call back to aprevious episode.
I'm approaching this group withenough physical certainty and
emotional certainty for me totalk to everyone in the group
and to open them all up and tomake them all feel comfortable

(31:29):
in my presence.
I've just created a warmapproach.
And when it's one-on-one with awoman, the same way.
The and the the precursor tothis, and this is going to sound
so abstract, but you have to bewarm inside of yourself first.
You have to already be connectedwith the room around you and

(31:49):
with the people.
If the only person, if the onlystranger you ever interact with
is like a is this one who'strying to shoot like a sniper
and like take it down, you'regoing to come off as cold.
If you're used to connectingwith the world, if you're used
to being playful with everyonearound you, that warms everyone

(32:09):
else up.
It warms you up.
And you're just inviting herinto your larger world.
You know, and part of that couldbe playfulness, part of that
could be other people that werelaughing.
Um, everybody wants to be aroundthat kind of a man.
And and really, when you're inthat situation, it becomes
natural because you're it's nolonger a cold approach.

(32:31):
You've created warmth.
It's a warm approach.

SPEAKER_01 (32:34):
Uh last thing I would I just wanted to, I just
wanted to highlight what youjust said with that.
So we're calling these coldapproaches because because we
don't know the person, like it'scold.
But I like what you just saidfrom a like a visual standpoint,
is you're you're attempting tomake this a warm, like a warm,

(32:54):
genuine interaction.
So making it from cold to towarm, I think, is a great way to
think about it in in your mind.
And if and that can be your onlythat can be your only goal.
That should be really your onlygoal.
Yes.
To is just to have a warminteraction with another human
being.

SPEAKER_02 (33:13):
Well said.
Well said.
And and along with that, I wantyou to let me let me grab the
thought again.

unknown (33:19):
Oh, dang it.

SPEAKER_02 (33:20):
I had it while we were talking.
Give me just a second.

SPEAKER_01 (33:24):
Sorry, I interrupted you on that.
But no, you're fine.
It'll it'll come back to you,and when it comes back to it,
we'll we'll come back.
So so if so that so that's it.
So if you are you know, if youare looking for an opportunity,
looking for whatever thosewhatever that that open signal

(33:46):
is, and you're you're gonna bekind, you're gonna be did you
remember what it is?
I remembered, yeah.
Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_02 (33:53):
And it builds it builds directly on this warmth.
Is you want to you want to treatthe person and assume
familiarity.
So when I meet somebody new, youknow, and I don't know them,
they don't know me, there's acertain formality.
And when we get to know eachother, let's say we we meet
again a second time and we'rehaving coffee, there's a certain

(34:14):
part where we naturally relaxand we start to treat each other
with more familiarity.
And then time goes by and timegoes by, and we become more and
more relaxed and comfortable andmore familiar with each other.
Well, we're both really in inany in any human interaction,
we're both just waiting foreveryone to sort of say it's
okay to do that.

(34:34):
Any person at any time can justtotally bypass that by assuming
familiarity and treating theperson that way.
So for example, let's say I'm atat uh in line at, I don't know,
like at the supermarket andthey're they're getting
something, I don't know what.
It was like, you know, and theyhave like, I don't know, three
watermelons in their shoppingcart or something.

(34:55):
And it was like, you know, itwas like, are you really gonna
do that to your pancreas?
You know, like it's like one ofthe sugary, whatever.
I mean, that's a super dumbexample.
But if the first words out of mymouth to her are something that
I would say to a friend, like,are you really sure that's a
good, that's a good life choicethere?
You know, you know, and andyou're and you're laughing about

(35:16):
it.
I'm I have just fast-forwardedthrough about four days for us
to get to a place of familiaritybecause I'm assuming
familiarity.
That assuming of the familiarityis just, I mean, I'm not, I'm
not, you know, I'm not like I'mdoing it appropriate for the
context, but I'm also showingher I have no problem being
myself around you.

(35:37):
I'm don't have to be on my bestbehavior.
I'm gonna fast forward and letyou see the fun side of me.
I'm assuming familiarity.
And for the most part, peopleare more than happy to accept
that from the other person.
If it's funny, if it's if it'swelcome, if it's enjoyable.
Most people like it that theother person is going to be that
familiar with them.

(35:57):
We we like receiving this.
Be the man that gifts this, youknow, and say, oh, really?
Yeah.
So so that's what you do on aSunday afternoon, huh?
Yeah, you just cruise through,you know, movie theaters, you
know, watching three per day.
Okay, gotcha.
You know, you do something, youknow, something like that.
You know, we call it, you know,it's teasing, you know, in the
pickup artist world, it could,well, I don't know, it might be

(36:17):
called negging, possibly in thepickup artist world.
Let's not get it.
But negging, but negging is alittle more strategic.
It's meant to put them down incomparison to other people.
But I'm gonna I'm gonna call itassuming familiarity because
because we're we're justfast-forwarding to where we
would get to eventually.
And to your point, this lets usfilter real fast whether or not

(36:38):
this woman is compatible withus, and we're just doing it by
showing who we are sooner andfaster, and it warms up the
entire interaction.

SPEAKER_01 (36:48):
Well, and as usual, Dallas, you make it sound so
incredibly easy because you areso incredibly good at it.
But the rest of us in normalguys have more challenges and
struggles.
So let's talk about some of thenon-verbal ways that we can uh
get ourselves ready, like likeyou know, how to carry

(37:12):
ourselves, how to to stand, likea smile, and maybe body language
and being open, and you know, II can already see you in line,
watermelons, and making a funny,right?
Like, and then you've got thedate, and then you guys are
already like you guys arefamiliar by like 10 minutes into
your first date because you'regood.

(37:33):
All right.
But me, I'm there and I'm likesaying something stupid and
awkward about the you know, thethe watermelons.
Watermelons, yeah.
Yeah, the boder watermelons,right?
Like, and then yeah, so yourswas funny, mine was, you know,
she's eyeing security at thefront door.
Exactly.
So yeah, yeah.
So help, help, help us with someof those non-verbal ways to do

(37:57):
this.

SPEAKER_02 (37:57):
Okay, so uh, all right, so there's okay, there's
an there are endless details andthere are endless behaviors.
The details draw a picture, thebehaviors are tactics.
There's endless, endless,endless amounts of those.
But there's really only a fewstates that we can get into
where the where the details ofwhat we look at and what we're

(38:19):
doing with our body and and ourbehavior naturally emanate out
from.
And that's the real trick.
A lot of guys are trying torehearse, okay, so I have to put
my arm out there on the back ofthe, on, you know, up over, you
know, the uh the booth, youknow, the back of the booth to
show that I'm open and I'mmasculine and I need to have eye
contact for this amount of time,and I have to smile this amount,

(38:41):
and you know, we dissect it andwe're doing all of it.
And there's nothing inherentlywrong with that.
And you do want to makeobservations, you know, about
that and then constantly beimproving it.
But these are details, guys.
These these are the smalldetails.
And as long as you're focused onthe details, you're just
writing, rehearsing, andperforming a script.

(39:01):
Writing, rehearsing, andperforming scripts will never be
a genuine performance.
It will never be genuine warmapproach, it will never be
genuine connection, it willnever be genuine laughter on her
end.
So the question is, how do youmake it an authentic
performance?
You need to get into the state.
I think the easiest state forpretty much every person on

(39:23):
planet Earth to imagine is Ijust won the lottery.
So imagine that that morningyou, you know, you bought a
lottery ticket, and then at 1p.m.
they announced it and you wonthe flipping lottery.
You you won a 300 million 350million dollar jackpot.

(39:43):
Okay.
And now it's six o'clock andyou're having the happiest,
happy hour of your whole damnlife.
Like right now, this is about ashigh as it ever gets.
Okay, you're scared that thatlottery ticket is like
something's gonna happen to it.
But other than that, you areabsolutely cloud 11.
I mean, like you are, you know,you're soaring because you won.

(40:06):
You're a winner inside.
You can, you know, it's uh theHarry Potter potion, you know,
where it's like the good luckthing, you know, he drinks it
and he can do no wrong and itall happens.
You know, that's the state thatyou're in.
Okay, even imagining that thathappened to me created that
state in my body.
This is this is the interestingthing, is that the mind doesn't

(40:29):
know the difference betweenimagination and reality a lot of
the time.
I can, and this is nothing new.
I mean, you know, I'm a I'm aTony Robbins fan myself.
Tony Robbins has been doing itfor decades.
Lots of other people do it.
You can through imagery, throughyou know, take all the words you
want to do it, but basically getyour imagine and feel what it

(40:49):
would be like to be in thatstate.
And now imagine you're behindthat woman in line at the at the
at the grocery store, and you'rejust like laughing.
Your your smile is so big,you're open, you're breathing,
you're you're sighing relief.
I mean, decades of financialstress has just stripping away

(41:10):
from your body.
All the opportunities of thefuture that were constricted.
How can I ever like finally goto I don't know, Rome, you know,
because I've never been there,and suddenly, I mean, the world
is your oyster and everythinghas opened up.
It's you didn't actually do anyof the things.
Nothing has actually changedphysically in that day.

(41:32):
But you are living an entirelyopen life.
You are living you the physicalembodiment of a winner.
Confident men are winners.
That's the heart, that's thefeeling, that's the openness,
that is the confidence.
So if you're asking yourself,how do I behave?
What do I do with my body?
What do I do with my words?

(41:52):
Well, ask yourself, how does awinner behave?
But even more important than howdoes a winner behave?
Because that's mimicking, again,that's scripts, that's
rehearsing and performing.
Ask yourself, how can I putmyself into the state of a
winner?

unknown (42:08):
Right.

SPEAKER_02 (42:08):
Winners let them all the time.
All the time.
Exactly.
And, you know, guys, just so youunderstand, we're not saying
that anybody is registering likethey're feeling like a winner
all the time.
That's not it.
You're gonna go up and down.
You're gonna, you're gonna havehighs, you're gonna have lows.
But realize that what we arestriving for in ourselves is to
open ourselves because that'swhat confidence is.

(42:30):
Confidence is I have nothing toworry about now.
I'm not worried if this womansays no to me.
I'm not worried, you know, if ifI don't know, I come out and my
car's caught on fire.
I'm I'm not worried, you know,what my boss says anymore.
I am free of all of theseworries.
I'm open.
That's what confidence is.
And I really think the state ofhaving just won the lottery is

(42:54):
the easiest, most simple,concrete way for us to imagine
it and then begin to embody itin a practical day-to-day way.

SPEAKER_01 (43:02):
Yeah.
No, I I like that a lot.
I know one of the first thingsthat came to my mind, and I know
the guys are like, okay, butyeah, that's that's great,
Dallas.
But you know, I actually justwoke up and I had to deal with
trying to get teens out of thehouse on time, and my boss is up
my ass, and I've got all thesebills, and my acts is driving me

(43:24):
freaking crazy.
And then all of a sudden I'mgonna see her, and like I'm
like, I'm not, I didn't win thefreaking lottery this morning.
I'm maybe irritated and pissedoff or distracted or or or
whatnot.
And I'll just say, if that's thecase, guys, don't just don't
engage, right?
Like, you don't have to engage,and maybe you miss your shot

(43:47):
because sometimes we do miss ourshots, and sometimes we
shouldn't be taking the shotsbecause it's not the right the
right time.
So that's okay.
You're not gonna be spot on allthe time, like nobody's man,
like you're just not.
It's okay and and that's okay.
But I think your point, I thinka good general point, period, is

(44:09):
get yourself in mental emotionalstate as much of the time, every
single day, to where you're notbecause this is this will
translate to more than justmeeting women and approaching
women.
This is gonna translate to otherareas of your of your life,
other relationships, work,children, etc.
So, and we talk about, well, Italk about this in in the

(44:31):
divorced advocate podcasts andand when when we're doing work
with the dads and getting youknow their emotions in intact
and in line and and stuff likethat.
So uh so this goes in alignmentwith that.
So it's just getting yourself tobe generally like that so that
any time of day, wherever you'reat, whatever you're doing, then

(44:53):
you have the confidence to beable to have a simple warm
interaction with somebody.
And I think we I'm gonna keepcoming back to that is having a
warm interaction with somebody.
Anyone.

SPEAKER_02 (45:06):
A warm approach, yeah.
This isn't cold approach, thisis warm approach.
And let me let me bring thisback to the question that you
brought up earlier from our lastQ ⁇ A with your uh with your
with your audience, men.
Uh-huh.
The guys were asking, where do Imeet women?
The guys were not asking, how doI show up as effectively as
possible so that any woman Imeet wants me to wants me to get

(45:29):
a number.
Okay, we are talking about wewhat what that question is
focused on and what we arefocused on right now is two
completely different things.

SPEAKER_00 (45:39):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (45:40):
When you focus on showing up in the right state,
it's like, well, where do womenmeet me?
Becomes the the the issue athand.
Because when you walk aroundwith that kind of openness,
groundedness, you know, and youpractice it with your kids.
I mean, I I okay, so obviouslyit is so much easier for me to

(46:02):
say because I I have a I don't Idon't have the stress of an
ex-wife, and I don't have thethe stress of having to
co-parent, you know, and I and Iand I and I don't have I don't
have children that I have totake care of.
In those senses, my life is alot less stressful.
I completely own that and agreewith it.
And I can tell you that if I hadchildren, my priority of being

(46:22):
open and confident and modelingit, especially if I had
daughters, would be even moreimportant than it is to me right
now.
Because I want my if I haddaughters, I would want my
daughters to go to look at theother boys around them and go,
yeah, no, you're nothing like mydad.
Like come back when you'veworked on your shit a little
more.
Like, I mean, you're just, youknow, you're you're you're

(46:45):
asking me to have sex with you,but you don't even, you you have
no groundedness, you have noself-assuredness.
I I would want, I want, if I haddaughters, I would want my
daughters to see me modeling agrounded, non-reactive, open
kind of energy that isconfident.
Because I want them to beattracted to that for their

(47:07):
partner in the future.
And if I had if I had sons,obviously, I want them to be
little Mac daddies when they goout there into the world, not
just with women, but witheverything in life.
I want them to, I want them togo, well, yeah, no, it's it's
easy.
You just you open up and you'reyou're like a winner, you know,
and you you feel good and you'regrounded and you know, and you

(47:29):
stress.
I the priority of modeling thatfor my children, honestly, I
would say would be an evenbigger motivator than me trying
to own it for myself and my owninteractions in the world.
Would you agree with that as adad?
What's your take?

SPEAKER_01 (47:43):
Yeah, absolutely.
One 100%.
I think as as divorced dads,oftentimes this is a this is a
whole learning thing for usdating after divorce, which is
the reason why you and I startedthis podcast.
And I think it's incrediblyimportant.
Ton of this stuff was nevertaught to us.
A ton of this stuff we we justlearned as we went as as young

(48:07):
men, or learned from our fromwhatever role mod male role
models, good or bad, that thatwe had growing up.
And it's a whole differentballgame now, and it's a whole
different environment now.
So it's literally just juststarting over.
And but I think it's important,like you said, the the the dads,
and I know that all the dadslistening to this podcast and

(48:28):
the divorced advocate podcastreally want to have good, warm
interactions, a good role, youknow, a healthy romantic
relationship, et cetera.
So I think that they they takeit to heart and knowing that
there are significantimplications like modeling for
your children, I know that'sbeen a big one for for me, is

(48:48):
that I take that very, veryseriously, that they they they
learn more from watching thananything else that I can tell
them at all.

SPEAKER_02 (48:57):
So let me ask a question about that.
So when you're modeling for yourdaughters, the a single man that
just swipes on apps and theneventually schedules a date with
a woman versus a man that met awoman while he was out getting
groceries and came back and he'sgot a smile on his face.
Which one of, I mean, which onedo you do you think your

(49:18):
daughters would be happierabout?

SPEAKER_01 (49:20):
Yeah, no, that's a you know, that's a great point.
And that's something that'ssomething I've not even thought
about for for myself.
And and even actually talkingand having some warm
interactions with women whilethey're around.
Like I I think that is actuallywould would be uh a positive for
for them to see and and to knowalso.

(49:42):
And that you know, I I thinkthat's something, you know, as I
always tell you, Dallas, I leaveI leave our episodes going, oh
my god, I can do this, and let'sthink about this, and I'm gonna
go do that.
It's like so.
I think this is one of my bigones now.
It's like I I've never thoughtabout doing that while in the
presence of my daughters orhaving my daughters wrong.
But I think that would actuallybe a positive thing for them to

(50:05):
see in action.

SPEAKER_02 (50:07):
Yeah, and and and it would make your approach if you
have your daughters in your mindand in your heart when you're
approaching a woman, it makesyou even warmer inside.

SPEAKER_00 (50:18):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (50:18):
You know, bringing bringing the pack, the full
package of your life with you,it makes your approach to that
woman even warmer because youthis you're not hiding, you're
not dividing, you know, you'renot compartmentalizing one part
of your life over here in an appand your daughters are over here
and your ex-wife is over thereand your guy friends over here.
You're being much more welcomingand bringing in.

(50:40):
That's what warms it up.
Um and and tell me again, Imean, do you feel that when you
have your daughters in yourheart, when you're approaching a
woman that you find attractive,I mean, I would hope, I would
imagine that gives you even moreconfidence.

SPEAKER_01 (50:54):
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
You're you're you're for all thedads that I've ever talked to,
and for myself, the the kids aredriving, the driving factor in
your life.
So if you have that, you know, II might even say you talked
about winning the lottery.
Like have the mindset of thelottery being your k your kids
are your winning of the lottery.

(51:15):
And if you have that in yourheart when you're when you're uh
having a warm conversation withsomebody, it's gonna it's gonna
warm even more.
I mean, it's gonna bring adifferent feel and and energy to
to the conversation.
So if you can put that in thethe back of your mind, even if
they are teenagers and they justmade you crazy that day or
morning or talking back or youknow, giving flack or whatever,

(51:35):
you still do you know bring thatthat that uh loving feeling.
So I like that a lot.

SPEAKER_02 (51:41):
Cool, awesome.
I'm I'm glad I'm glad that myimagination is rooted in
reality.
I'm glad.
I'm glad.
So I want to talk just for aminute about the stress, okay?
Because you talked about I'm youknow, I wake up in the morning,
my boss is crawling at my ass,you know, my my my daughters are
teenage daughters are driving mecrazy, my ex is doing this, and
I've got that.
And you feel like your lifeisn't even your own.

(52:05):
Yes, we have a lot ofresponsibilities.
The fact that we haveresponsibilities can be positive
or negative, depending entirelyon our perception of them.
And I'm I I get it, the stresslevel is high.
But what defines our experienceis how we react emotionally or
respond behaviorally to thatstimulus and what we choose to

(52:30):
do going forward.
So if your boss is up your assand he's just that kind of boss,
are you just staying there orare you working towards a
different job?
I mean, because the minute yourealize I that I'm in the wrong
job and I'm working towardssomething else, you now have an
outlet and you're no longerreactive, you're being proactive
towards what you want.
I'm not sure we can do muchabout the teenagers being

(52:52):
teenagers, other than the factthat we have to take a step back
and laugh and go like, this iswhat we go through.
Like, well, when humans are ages13 to 18, this is what they do.
They go through this weirdphase, and we have to laugh at
just the absurdity of the humancondition.
We have to take the step backand just kind of let it go.

(53:12):
Because if we're gettingfrustrated, it's because we're
trying to control.
It's because we're not allowingthem to do it.
Now, obviously, if they're doingsome pretty hardcore stuff, like
that's that's but that's notfrustration, that's genuine
concern talking to therapists.
Like that's different.
When it comes to you know, yourex-you know, your ex-wife and
whatever, yes, we have to wehave to deal with them.

(53:32):
But this is where, again, thework with you and what you do
with with the divorced advocateis I'm sure.
I'm sure steps one, two, andthree are how to set a healthy
boundary.
You know, define yourself andset healthy boundaries.
Define yourself and set healthyboundaries, you know, set
healthy boundaries.
And the reason for that is whenwe have really, really strong

(53:53):
self-definition, we're no longerreactive.
Most of that, most of thatstress that we're feeling is
because we are we're beingreactive to it.
It's how we're perceiving it.
I'm not saying it's notexhausting, but it it it but we
have to look at ourselves andmake sure that we are not just

(54:16):
going, well, throwing our heads,our hands up in the air saying,
like, well, my life's just kindof crap.
It's like, dude, your life, man,start to start to start to inch
your way out, start to get somepulleys and levers and start
moving yourself into a positionwhere your life doesn't feel
stressful financially,emotionally, relationally, on
all the levels.

(54:37):
Because here's the thing, oncewe turn 18, the buck stops with
you because you're an adult.
And if you are not takingresponsibility and changing
yourself and putting yourselfinto a position where you can
feel like a winner, that's yourfault because you're the adult
in the room.

SPEAKER_01 (54:52):
Yeah, I agree 100%.
And in and this is alwayspreface on the fact that we've
taken the time to really workthrough and sort through our
stuff, get our our values andour understanding of our belief
systems and whatnot in line andon and intact, and and being
being able to show up how we'resupposed to be showing up.

(55:15):
Because, fellas, if you're stillstruggling with that at this
point and and you're listeningto us, you it's just still not
time yet.
Like go do the work, therapy,coaching, whatever, whatever you
need, there's going to be anopportunity for you to have
another romantic relationship,but it is really incumbent, like

(55:37):
Dallas said, and and being ableto show up.
Because if you can't show up,and or you're showing up how you
used to show up, look, if thethe definition of sanity is
doing the same thing over andover and and and hoping for a
different outcome.
Like you're not going to get adifferent outcome.
So, so stop and and do the work.
And I guess we haven't said thatin in a few episodes, but you've

(55:57):
got to do that before because wecan talk about, and and I think
Dallas does a great job, and Ireally appreciate that.
I I you know I kind of structurestuff to say, well, let's talk
about like practicalapplications, but really what it
comes down to, guys, is you cantake all these steps.
We can talk about how toapproach, when to approach,

(56:18):
being open, like what what tosay, what words, what openers,
are there bad ones, are theregood ones, etc.
It mostly and entirely comesdown to what kind of energy you
are bringing to the interaction.
And Dallas always does aterrific job of not only stating
that, but also explaining why,why that's beneficial, how it's

(56:41):
how it's impacting the woman,and how it's helping you and
your masculine, which is which Ireally appreciate about you know
your approach, Dallas, whichmakes you so good at at what you
do, because you can teach.
And and so on that note, guys, Iwill say, so you hear Dallas
every week.
And and I gotta say, guys, whenyou listen, Dallas, when we do

(57:04):
these, we don't script any ofthese podcast episodes.
This is Dallas giving hisexpertise every single week to
you off the cuff, just like hewould be doing with you in
one-on-one coaching.
So if you want to take this tothe next level, so you've done
maybe some of the work, guys,you've been part of a divorced
advocate community, you're readyto do some dating, and you

(57:26):
really want to have somesuccess.
And I I can say this as a guythat's been dating for a decade
and has had you know somesuccess, not great success, uh,
etc.
Man, if you want to take it tothe next level and you want now
to really dive into this, getinvolved with Dallas and his
community, because this is gonnatake your skill level to to the

(57:49):
you know to the to the next tothe next point, and and and
that's gonna help you have moresuccess.
So you hear us talk about thisstuff, and we can't get in, like
we've already been through anhour, and like I still got a
bunch of stuff I want us to talkabout, but I don't know that
we're gonna to get into it.
But I I I just want I just wantto emphasize that all the time.
There's there's nothing likegetting more involved, and you

(58:13):
know, so so I just wanted to saythat because I do appreciate how
you are able to bring it to thecore of that every every single
time.
So, but I'm gonna come back andthen say, so we have a warm
interaction, right?
Maybe a little briefconversation.
Is it okay to say, hey, youknow, I I'd I'd like to continue

(58:37):
this conversation.
Can I have your number?
Or I've got an idea of how wecan continue this conversation.
Yeah, would you be interested inthat or something?
Is it is that okay?
Over watermelons in the grocerycart?

SPEAKER_02 (58:49):
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Because because women women havethis statement of they want it
to just happen naturally.
Okay.
And naturally, we've all heardit, and we're like, what do you
mean naturally?
I have to make something happen.
It's over watermelons in ashopping cart that it just that
just happened naturally.
No, no, no, no.
I actually did thatintentionally.
Absolutely.
If you don't, you didn't takeyour shot.

(59:11):
You leveraged all this scarcity,and then that, and then that
beautiful doe, you know.
I know we're supposed to shootthe bucks, but still, this
beautiful deer crosses yourpath.
Take your shot.
If you don't ask, you didn'ttake your shot, you walked away
with no means of following up orasking this woman out later.
You absolutely none at all.
Swing all the way through,gentlemen.

(59:33):
Swing.
Don't don't pull your punches,don't choke up, you know, when
you're swinging.
I know I'm mixing metaphorshere, but like, guys, clean,
full swing all the way through,knock the ball out of the damn
park.
I mean, yeah, you know, and it'slike, you know, so you're
talking about the balance.
Oh, you know, it's like, hey,you know, it's like you seem
really fun.
It's like, would you would youlike to get together?
You know, would you like to havecoffee this weekend?

(59:54):
You know, what do you, what areyou up to on Saturday?
No big deal, you know, and youask her that.
There, you know, and I I findit's I find it's more effective
to be concrete about that andthen say, well, let me get your
number.
I mean, I could just, I couldjust say, Hey, can I get your
number?
Like, you seem really cute, butI kind of kind of almost put in
more playfulness to it.
And I have to feel like there'smore kind of playfulness there

(01:00:16):
when I'm inviting someone tosomething concrete.
You know, if I if I ask her forher number and she's like, well,
why do you want it?
I mean, of course, like thereason's obvious, but but it's
sort of like there, it's it'sit's abstract asking for digits
to a device.
Or if I say, you know, hey, youknow, would you like to grab a
drink on Friday?
That's concrete.
That's an invitation tosomething specific.

(01:00:38):
It's a concrete invitation.
If I just say, Can I get yournumber?
It's just assume there will bean invitation later.
It might sound like semantics,but invitations that are
concrete, they make her feelsafe and reassured.
That is like number one keyelement here of a warm
interaction is to make her feelsafe and reassured.
Tell her what your intentionsare.
Because for all she knows,you're going to turn around and

(01:00:59):
send her a dick pic, you know,when you get home.
Because most dudes do on datingapps at a certain point.
Like, I think it's the majorityof them.
At least talking with women,that's what it sounds like.
They're they're all vulgar.
She wants to know what are youinviting her to?
And then getting the numberbecomes just a matter of hashing
out the details.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:20):
That's a great point.

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:21):
But it's absolutely natural for you to extend an
invitation.
It's absolutely effective.
And again, I'm not hiding myintentions.
If I had this whole interaction,you know, and then I just leave
it, you know, that's fine.
And you should do that a lot ofthe time just to practice having
warm approaches with everybody.
You want to practice that.

(01:01:42):
However, when you're attractedto the woman, swing all the way
through, follow through on yourstroke, and you know, and it
you're gonna get, you're gonnaget the butterflies, you're
gonna get a little bit ofanxiety.
It's just energy, it's justexcitement.
It's just the fact that you'vebeen waiting, waiting, waiting,
and now it happened to happen.
That woman that you cross threetimes in the supermarket in

(01:02:04):
different aisles, and you'relike, God, I wish it was her.
She's the one at the end of theline, and you get to walk up
behind her, and you're like,hallelujah! Finally, on my side,
the odds happen, you know,helped me.
I'm it it's it's only your faultif you don't swing through, man.
It's only on you if you thinkthat now she is going to start
that interaction, that she'sgonna ask you out.

(01:02:25):
Guys, that's passive.
There's no way in the world thatthat is going to take you where
you want to go most of the time.
It is 100% yours to, I mean,well, we talked about escalation
in the episode about you knowsex and intimacy.
It it's escalation is expected.
It's your and somebody has to doit, and it's sexy when the man

(01:02:45):
does it, when the man takesanother step forward.
And when I'm when I'm showingwhat my intentions are, hey, I'd
like to ask, I'd like to see youagain.
She might reject me, she mightnot, but the fact that I'm being
vulnerable like that, that'shot.
That means that I'm not afraidof what's going to happen.
So, again, in case you haven'theard the word yes enough, yes,
absolutely.

(01:03:07):
But it's not just ask her forher number, it's show her your
true intentions in speaking withher, assuming that she is
someone that you want to ask outafter you've chatted for a few
minutes.
But yes, absolutely followthrough.
Otherwise, you're you're you'recheating everybody.
Every her, you, everybody getscheated.

(01:03:29):
We didn't have the opportunity95% of the time, and then she's
there.
If you don't take your shot,nothing can happen.
Absolutely take your shot.

SPEAKER_01 (01:03:39):
Well, and so I want to I so I want to clarify.
So you're again, like we talkedabout in the beginning, you're
you're not working backwardsfrom a goal.
So you've had a warminteraction.
So if you can think about thisas like on a on a on a on a
timeline, right?
Like you're having a warminteraction, but you want to
continue this warm interaction.

(01:04:00):
So you're not looking to get adate, you're not looking to get
a number.
Like this isn't something thatyou're that you're working to
get towards.
You're working to continue thiswarm interaction.
So, like what you're saying isif then you're inviting to
continue this warm interaction,that creates a whole different
interesting vibe with her andenergy with her by stating

(01:04:21):
something like, Hey, I'veenjoyed this conversation, or
hey, maybe you can give me moretips around you know selecting
watermelons.
Would you like to have coffee,you know, this Saturday?

SPEAKER_02 (01:04:32):
Yeah, you make, yeah, yeah.
I'll never see melons the sameway again.
Yeah, after meeting.

SPEAKER_01 (01:04:36):
Yeah, I'm gonna actually go to the grocery store
after this and put somewatermelon.
There we go.

SPEAKER_02 (01:04:40):
Yeah, you're primed and ready.
Yeah.
Yeah, that that's exactly it.
You said if you have a goal inmind of what you're trying to
get, realize that's selfish.
Realize that that is I'm tryingto get something for for me, I'm
trying to consume, not theproper orientation, and she will
feel that.
Right.
No woman wants to be taken from.
They don't want a guy that'strying to get something from

(01:05:00):
her.
What you want to follow throughwith, you're saying continue the
connection, that's 100% there.
And the and the the the method,the vehicle, the tool for it is
an invitation.
You have to invite her tosomething.
Even if it's like, you know, Iwould love to ask you out next
week, but my schedule's crazyand I don't know what's going
on.
Uh can I get your number?

(01:05:21):
And you know, and when I knowwhen I'm free, I can invite you
out for a drink.
I mean, even if it's just aplaceholder, you're still
extending an invitation.

SPEAKER_00 (01:05:29):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (01:05:29):
The in the invitation is is the invitation
to continue connecting, really.
That's that's that's what it is.
But that's also something thatyou're offering rather than
trying to get from her, it'ssomething you're giving to her.
And that that change as a 180difference.
Those are two totally oppositedirections, and they will land

(01:05:50):
on the woman very, verydifferently.
And your response from the womanwill be completely different.

SPEAKER_01 (01:05:56):
Yeah.
And so if you go into this justwith the intention of having a
warm interaction, no matter whathappens, because it look, a lot
of times it's going to becircumstantial.
Sorry, I'm I'm married, orsorry, I'm dating, or or I'm I'm
not interested.
Like, yeah, like okay, that'sfine.

(01:06:17):
But you've still had a warminteraction, right?
You've let that person feelingbetter than they were when
you've before they met you,right?
So that should be the goal andthe intention of the entire
interaction.
And look, the vibe might nothappen.
She might not be the vibe thatyou're looking for all the time,

(01:06:39):
and you're gonna know that too.
So that's where you just eveneven if it's not, then you just
it's a warm interaction.
You leave that person feelinggood.
You felt good that you had a agood warm interaction with that
person, and you didn't pull thetrigger because it wasn't, you
know, it wasn't the one thatthat you wanted.
So that's okay too.

SPEAKER_02 (01:06:56):
Let me add one more piece though that I think is
also the goal and that you'reguaranteed to come away with
successfully.
And that is you're redefiningyourself as a man who makes warm
approaches.
Because if you're wondering andyou're not sure and you feel
awkward about it, if you feeltorn, you'd like to, but you
know, you don't quite know how.
Your identity as a man is well,sometimes I approach if it's

(01:07:18):
easy.
But if you change that too, I'mthe kind of man that when I see
my shot, I take it.
Because I want to.
Okay, every time I I you know Iinvite someone to have a
connection, you know, I have aninteraction, I am rewiring
myself.
I am redefining myself.
I am setting my identity as aman that takes his shot when it

(01:07:41):
comes across my path.
No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
That is part of who I am, andI'm making that clear and true
inside of myself.
That is a guaranteed result ifyou continue to do this.
And as you continue to do that,and that becomes your identity,
it becomes more natural andeasy.

SPEAKER_01 (01:07:58):
Okay.
That's a perfect segue to what Iwant to give as a homework
challenge for the dads that arelistening this week.
Let's hear it.
And that's what I'm calling onecompliment, zero expectations.
And and what this what this isgonna be is I want you to
approach man, woman, whomeverthis week and just give them a

(01:08:22):
compliment, and that's it.
So it's not about doinganything, it's not about a
romantic, you know, not aromantic opportunity or
anything.
It's just being open, beingvulnerable, approaching
strangers and people and givinga compliment and creating some
sort of warm interaction withsomebody that's gonna help you

(01:08:44):
to like what Dallas just said,be be the be the dad who is the
dad that is able to have warminteractions with everybody he
comes in contact with you.
And then what that's gonna doeventually, gentlemen, is gonna
allow you to do that all thetime with everybody, but it's
gonna open up way moreopportunities for those

(01:09:05):
romantic, but potential romanticrelationships and interactions.
What do you think of that?

SPEAKER_02 (01:09:10):
I think it's great.
I think it's great.
Giving a compliment is alwaysgood.
It's really good if when yougive them the compliment, such
as a you know, nice boots, thatyou're dressed and presented
well enough that they can returnthe compliment to you if they'd
like to.
It's that the the rule ofreciprocity in human
socialization is really, really,really strong.

(01:09:31):
It's not always going to happenin that scenario, but it more
than more than once it hashappened to me that I genuinely
like a jacket that a woman'swearing.
And you know, and I'll do thatand she'll come and she'll
compliment my watch or thejacket that I'm wearing or
something.
And it and and people like to becomplimented by people that they
that they they like what they'rethey're they're you know, this

(01:09:53):
is a well-dressed man and he'scomplimenting me on what I'm
wearing.
If you're a guy showing up inlike, you know, tattered
sneakers and you know, a looset-shirt, and you're like, oh,
nice dress, and she looksbeautiful, she's like, Yeah,
thanks.
You know, you're not, you know,it's like I'm sure you do think
this is attractive, you know.
But if it but if you're showingup looking sharp and you give

(01:10:14):
her an a compliment, thatcompliment's going to mean more
to her, and it's gonna open upthe interaction.
You might be surprised actuallyhow quickly that can open things
up.
I think that's an awesomeassignment.
Nice and simple, direct to thepoint, very executable, very
executable.

SPEAKER_01 (01:10:29):
Yeah, awesome.
So so Dallas, we're out of time,my friend, but that was
terrific.
Yeah, we bust through thesethese weeks every single week,
and I say it every single week,but some great stuff.
Remind the guys listening, thedads listening, how they can get
in contact with you and and getinvolved with the black box
dating community.

SPEAKER_02 (01:10:50):
Yeah.
First of all, if you guyshaven't liked and subscribed to
this podcast, please do thatright now.
We're growing the audience anduh that you're listening, but we
want to be sure that you'recontinue listening and share it
with other guys that you feelthis content could help.
Yeah, if you are interested inupping your dating game, jump on
over to blackboxdating.com.
Uh check out the men's coachingprogram.

(01:11:11):
There is a group coachingprogram that I that we start
out.
We do live office hours with meonline every week.
There's a higher tier at the endof the month where you can join
us in the field and we can dolive interactions and work
together, get some get some ofthat state work that we were
talking about going.
And um the highest tier uhinvolves uh one-on-one work if
you're interested in that.
Jude, how can the uh how can theguides learn more about your

(01:11:34):
services?

SPEAKER_01 (01:11:35):
Yeah, so I wanted to touch on what you said about the
listenership.
We're up like 25% over the lastmonth, which is really terrific.
So you guys please continue toto share, like, give us comments
that that helps uh uh immensely,and we're just gonna continue to
to to grow this.
On that note, you we've you'reprobably listening to this.

(01:11:55):
We probably I think we just hadour our our last uh divorce
dad's QA, dating uh ask a datingcoach Q ⁇ A.
But check out the divorcedadvocate.com website and under
events.
It's this is a this is a freeengagement.
It's a QA with Dallas that he'sbeen kind enough to to to share
his time with us once a month.

(01:12:17):
And you can you can get onlineand and you can come and ask
Dallas some specific questions.
We've done a couple of them now,they've been really, really
tremendous.
But check that out atthedivorcedadvocate.com.
And then there's all the otherresources that that you can find
there as well for for youwherever you're at in your
divorce.
Uh, and then I'm also gonnatease Dallas.

(01:12:38):
We're we're gonna be puttingtogether some some live stuff
coming up here in in the newyear.
So so just know that uh Dallasand I are working on some of
those things.
So if you've got ideas or you'vegot thoughts or anything that
you want us to address, justsend us send us a message via
your your podcast platform or atdad's dating at dad's dating

(01:13:00):
after divorce at gmail.com.
I don't use that that that uhthat uh email address that
often, so it's hard to remember.
Dallas, always a pleasure, myfriend.
We'll see you next week.

SPEAKER_02 (01:13:12):
It's been a blast, dude.
Talk to you next week.
Bye bye.