December 9, 2025 • 55 mins
Dating after divorce can feel like the Wild West—especially when emotions run high and the old rules no longer apply. We dig into one of the most misunderstood dynamics in modern relationships: the difference between emoting and communicating, and why confusing the two keeps couples locked in loops. With Jude Samval of The Divorce Advocate and Dallas Bluth of Black Box Dating, we unpack how men’s instinct to fix isn’t a lack of feeling, it’s a distinctly male emotional response forged by biology and sharpened by responsibility.
Across a candid, practical conversation, we map what actually works when she needs to vent. You’ll learn how to become a steady, engaged presence that invites emotional release without absorbing it or shutting down. We explain why her logic might be offline during the storm, how to signal safety with short prompts, and when to move from listening to clarity. We also show the exact pivot: once she feels regulated, ask whether she wants input or just witnessed space, then use simple, nonviolent communication to clarify any accusations aimed at you. No lectures, no therapy-speak—just grounded tools you can use tonight.
We also zoom out to the bigger picture. Traditional relationship roles have dissolved, and couples now need to write their own rule book. That means agreeing on values, deciding when problem-solving is welcome, and creating a shared language for “I need to be heard” versus “I want solutions.” When men master this timing and presence, something surprising happens: emotional safety turns into chemistry, respect, and momentum. If you’ve ever wondered why “just listen” can lead to a stronger bond and better intimacy, this episode connects the dots with clarity and warmth.
If this resonates, share it with a friend who needs a better blueprint for post-divorce dating, subscribe for future episodes, and leave a review to help more dads find the show. Got questions or a story to share? Join our mailing list for the next live Q&A and bring your toughest moments—we’ll tackle them together.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:39):
Hello, and welcome to Dad's Dating After Divorce,
the only podcast that is goingto help you to traverse the Wild
West of dating post-divorce.
My name is Jude Samval.
I am the founder of The DivorceAdvocate, and my co-host, as
always, Dallas Bluth of BlackBox Dating.
(01:00):
How are you doing, Dallas?
Doing great, Jude.
SPEAKER_02 (01:02):
Love to be out here in the Wild West with you,
covering all the dating for the.
SPEAKER_00 (01:06):
Well, we're literally in the Wild West
because we're both here from theDenver metro area.
And then we're in the Wild Westof dating after divorce, which
is its own kind of Wild Westwithin the Wild West.
So and on that note, maybe weneed to be exploring maybe other
cities and talking to some ofthe other guys and dads from
(01:27):
some of the other cities.
And maybe in the future we talkabout that or we invite some on
because we're kind of in ourlittle Denver Metro Colorado
bubble.
And I know there's definitelynuances to that.
So if you are a divorced dad inone of the other metro areas or
even one in a country that youmight be listening in on, touch
(01:48):
base with us.
We'd love to to chat with youkind of about what your
experience.
And this is in general also.
Any dads that are listening,we'd love to get feedback from
you and hear about what yourexperiences are.
And maybe we'll have you uh evenhave you on the show, possibly.
SPEAKER_02 (02:03):
And and the best place to start with that would
be to jump on the mailing listso that you can come to our next
QA, live QA session.
Do we have one of those on thecalendar?
I don't have my calendar up.
SPEAKER_00 (02:12):
Yeah, we have one coming up here on December 18th.
So this episode will will hitwhat on the 9th.
So yeah, about a week and a halfafter this episode hits on
December 18th.
So go to thedivorcedadvocate.com and go to
the events page, and we've goteverything linked there to where
you can get the you can get thethe time and the date and the
(02:38):
the the zoom link as well andand jump on.
And and and this is a greatopportunity, guys, to to uh pick
Dallas's brain.
And and I know the guys werereally, really picking your
brain on the last one.
It was a really great session,and we actually had that to end
it after the hour, but and thengo check out well after you do
(02:58):
that or before you do that, gocheck out Black Box Dating.
And uh, what's the the name ofthe group at Black Box Dating?
Your your dating site, like themembership group?
SPEAKER_02 (03:07):
Uh it's black box dating.
It's it's the community that wehave, it's it's under the same
name.
Oh, we well, we got a name atsomething, man.
SPEAKER_00 (03:14):
It could be like the motherhood or like the sharks.
Maybe with the sharks, like orsomething, man.
We need to come up with a like acommunity name for black box
dating for for you guys.
Okay, I'll work on that.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, no, well, let's havethe guys mail it in.
What's what's the the communityname for for black box dating
and for all the work that Dallasdoes?
(03:35):
Because you know, because thenyou guys could go out and when
you're doing your field work,you could like have jackets and
stuff like that.
That creates some conversationaround like what you know, who
are these guys, like all intheir black jackets, the sharks.
Like, yeah, I want to talk tothem.
SPEAKER_02 (03:50):
We've got some cohesive branding coming on so
the women see us and they'relike, ooh, this this must be
something special.
SPEAKER_00 (03:55):
All right, man.
We've I I have totally digressedthis episode for the first five
minutes.
So let's get back on track.
And we're gonna talk about amassive topic as far as I'm
concerned.
And it's one of those things Ifeel like that our society takes
for gospel, but we have toquestion this.
(04:17):
And that is do women actuallyexpress their emotions better
than men, right?
So we're kind of told all thetime women are the emotional
experts and we're maybe theemotional rocks, right?
But I want to to challenge thatbecause we had a conversation
last week.
I have conversations all thetime with other dads, and I have
(04:41):
commu I have communications uhout in the dating world myself,
that there is a differencebetween emoting and
communicating, right?
These are not the same thing.
So I want to talk about thedifferences between emoting, who
emotes more, and whocommunicates more?
(05:03):
Maybe talk about some emotionalintelligence and then also ways
in which we can communicate moreeffectively.
So that's that's what we'regonna talk about, guys.
So so Dallas, first, let me justask you do you experience that
that claim first that men thatthat men are emotionally less
(05:27):
abil to communicate or in tunewith their their feelings?
And second, do women emote morethan men and are they better at
communicating because they doemote?
Gotcha.
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (05:41):
I'm gonna come back to the word emoting because I
want to be sure that we're allon the same page.
Actually, let's start with that.
When you say emoting, is thatbasically just kind of sharing,
spewing out the emotions in sortof a raw way?
What what do you mean byemoting?
SPEAKER_00 (05:56):
Okay, yeah.
So like she's in tears and she'stalking, or she comes home from
work and she's like emotionallycharged and and talking a
thousand miles a minute, orshe's uh shouting and venting,
or something like that, right?
And that's like working just getmad at you about something that
(06:19):
you didn't empty the dishwasherand like like spewing all this
stuff out.
So that's that's that's emotingas opposed to like oftentimes
when that happens, guys willstart to maybe shut down, maybe
start to withdraw because andand we we can get into this is
(06:40):
the the difference in in how wedo stuff, and then people will
be like, Well, look, like she'sreally in tune with her mother,
she's like getting it out, andshe's talking about it, right?
And and and talking about it isscreaming and yelling, but
that's not actuallycommunicating your feelings,
right?
That's what I describe asemoting.
SPEAKER_02 (07:01):
Okay, gotcha.
Okay, want to be sure we're onthe same page, and that that's
more or less the the same imageI have in my mind.
Okay, so the first question youhad was, you know, are men in my
experience, are men lessemotional than women?
No, they're not less emotional,but men tend to lead less with
their emotions.
(07:22):
And so men tend to lead morewith thoughts, with logic, with
competency.
We men socially connect with andand assess other men differently
than women do, justfundamentally differently.
A man that shows up and he'sjust emotions first.
We're just we're just gonna putit in in sort of an order of
(07:43):
operations.
A man that leads with hisemotions first is not going to
be all that respected by hisfellow male counterparts.
He's just not.
We're we are functioning,functional, logical creatures.
We're we're task-oriented.
You know, if we go out to theconstruction site to build a
house, we've got a job to do, weneed to communicate clearly, and
(08:06):
feelings are not what it'sabout.
We're not, you know, did youhave a bad day or whatever?
It's like, well, we can get intothat maybe once we start
swinging our hammers, and oncewe've got a rhythm going, and
once we know what the job is.
But but men that lead with theiremotions, generally speaking,
don't make it very far in theworld with other men.
So I would say that's that's thefirst that's the first step.
SPEAKER_00 (08:29):
Yeah.
So can can I point that outbecause so, and and just to
expand on that point, for me, itfeels like it's a biological
difference, right?
So what you just described ismen when something an emotion
like the feelings come, theythey're externalizing it first
to solve a problem, or if theycan't quite get to that point
(08:53):
quickly, they're gonna stop andthey're gonna internalize it,
right?
And that's where you get a lotof the the stoicism or maybe the
the withdrawal, uh allegations,accusations, etc.
Like you're not in touch withit.
But men will, if they can'texternalize it, figure out what
the problem is right away,they'll usually stop and
internalize it and not talkabout those feelings, right?
(09:15):
It's not the it's uh I don'tknow for you, but for me, it's
like if I'm not sure right away,like I'll like I'll completely
stop and I'll like I'llcompletely withdraw until I can
really try to get my mind aroundsolving that problem, right?
The problem internally first.
SPEAKER_02 (09:32):
Yeah, I I think that's true.
I think a lot of men uh ourfirst our first response, our
first instinct is to solve theproblem, whatever it is.
And if we don't know what thesolution is, we're not going to
proceed anyway as if we knewwe're going to take a step back
and try to assess the situationand move forward once we feel
like we have a solution.
(09:53):
But let me point out, let mepoint out a really important
point here.
Men's instinct to fix problems,in a lot of ways, that's our
emotion.
That's coming from a feelinginside of us.
We want to fix issues when theycome up.
That that's how we're wired.
When a woman shares with us, youknow, all the bad things that
(10:13):
are going on at work and youknow, her boss is doing this and
the coworkers are doing that.
When we have an instinct thatcomes up that wants to solve
that problem, that is notunemotional.
That's simply male emotions, thethe the emotions that men tend
to feel.
That's our emotions coming outfirst.
And I I understand that there'sa that from the woman's point of
(10:37):
view, we're not being sensitive,we're not listening to what
she's doing, and we're notresponding in the way that is
most effective for women.
I agree with that.
When we are trying to solve awoman's problems, we are not
being effective in what sheneeds.
We're not being emotionallyintelligent to what she needs.
But that is not the same thingas saying that I'm being
(10:58):
unemotional as a man or justlogical.
I'm driven by very differentemotional motivations than women
are.
And right now, the the issuethat I have is right now we have
a very lopsided dialogue as faras emotional intelligence.
The the dominant emotionalintelligence comes from our
therapy culture.
(11:19):
And the therapy culture is forthe most part dominated by a
feminine and even a feministvoice.
Yeah.
I'm not saying that all of thatis inherently bad.
I'm saying that that is not thecomplete picture.
And men have a differentemotional intelligence language.
We have a different emotionalintelligence wiring.
And the fact that our firstfeeling, our first gut, our
(11:42):
first instinct is to fixsomething, that is not a bad
feeling.
That's a valid feeling.
It's just a male feeling thatcomes out first and leads sooner
than the female feelings.
SPEAKER_00 (11:54):
Well, let's let's let's also emphasize the point
from an evolution evolutionarybiological standpoint is once
upon a time, men had to do thatin order to survive.
Like it was problem solvingimmediately because you were
going to get eaten or killed.
And so that has been what forfor centuries and centuries,
(12:19):
what our nervous system is ishas developed and has been
trained to be like.
So now that we're in a a time,and this time has only been not
even a hundred years, where wewhere it's not that way anymore.
We for for the most part, acrossmost parts of the world, where
you don't have to react that wayin order to just survive, that
(12:43):
have some compassion with menand guys have some compassion
with yourself about hey, this isjust wired into us biologically
over generations and eons oftime in order to survive.
And so that's that's okay.
That's okay.
(13:03):
That that is the feeling thatcomes up first, which is
survival.
What do I start, what do I do?
And and then you want.
Okay.
Yeah.
So that's good.
SPEAKER_02 (13:12):
And and and it's not just have patience with it.
Yes, have patience with theinstinct.
You know, less than 100 yearsago, we didn't have the
abundance of resources,particularly food, shelter, fuel
that we do now.
We live in a very comfortableenvironment for the last, I
don't know, 80, 90 years, youknow, roughly.
And of course, we're we'regiving gross generalizations
(13:33):
globally.
But compare that to the last200,000, 250,000 years that Homo
sapiens have been around, not tomention all, you know, you know,
the evolutionary chain thatcomes before that.
Yeah, there's there's a lot ofthere's a lot of DNA programming
that comes into it.
But the other thing that I wouldlook at is the responsiveness
(13:54):
that we have.
A man that sees the situationand wants to take action, that
is still a sexy man in today'senvironment.
We just need to learn how todirect that instinct, that
energy, that that proactivedrive.
We need to put it into new, intonew situations.
(14:16):
For example, rather than beingpassive about our diet and you
know, eating fast food andwhatever comes easy and you know
blowing, you know, blowing ourour calorie budget out of the
water, you know, every day andgaining a bunch of extra fat.
Learning how to become proactiveas opposed to passive in those
situations and driving towards aresult that we want in our
(14:40):
physique, in our diet, in ourhealth, whatever it might be,
these are still very, very validand sexy traits for a man to
have.
It's not just a matter of usadapting to a resource-abundant
society that we live in.
It's learning what are theplaces in our current society
(15:03):
where that hunter instinct,where you get up and you go get
it, you know, where you're nolonger stepping over the
procrastination, where you'restepping past looking for the
easy, quick life hack, you know,fix that's on Facebook or
TikTok.
Those are the places that thattoday's instinctive masculine
(15:24):
hunter has to be applyinghimself.
That does take that does takediscernment, discretion, and
that takes that takes a certainamount of insight.
But it's the healthy place tochannel that that masculine
energy.
SPEAKER_00 (15:37):
Yeah.
I was gonna say that that's thedelicate balance that is
challenging, I feel like, forguys, like any guys, not just a
divorced dad, but any guy thesedays, is to balance that because
it used to be we could be inthat mode all the time, and then
that was also attractive to awoman, and she understood the
(15:58):
fact that he was simply solvingproblems and keeping her alive,
keeping the children alive, etcetera.
We've evolved to a differentlevel of consciousness now where
we need to know and have thatemotional intelligence that you
spoke about, which is okay, thisis probably the mode I'm in at
work, and that's good, or or inthe gym or with guys or or
(16:19):
something like that.
But when I'm home with thefamily or when I'm with her,
then I need to then understandthis delicate balance now where
I can't be in that mode all ofthe time because that's it it
could be frightening, it couldbe disconcerting.
It's it's definitely not helpingcommunication, right?
(16:41):
Because there needs to be somelevel of communication.
And then you also get the flipside of that with women.
I have a conversation all thetime when they're at work and
they're in this like masculinementality that it's hard for
them to stop that when they gethome, get into their feminine,
and then allow thatcomplimentary dynamic to happen.
And that happens then a lot.
(17:02):
Well, when you've got whenyou've got a woman comes home,
but she's in that you know, thatthat masculine mode, and you're
in that masculine mode, and thenshe starts emoting, and then you
start withdrawing, like itcreates this whole like a mess,
yeah, right?
Because you don't you don'tknow, she doesn't know that that
that you're doing it, and thenthat becomes where there's a
(17:23):
breakdown, right?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (17:25):
Okay, so I I completely agree with what
you're saying, and it is a mess.
And I want to point out one ofthe I feel the underlying causes
of this mess is again,throughout the majority of human
history, uh society was morehomogenous.
We had rule books that told menwhat men were supposed to be and
(17:46):
do and behave and what wasexpected of them and what they
were allowed to get away with.
And throughout history, womenwere told this is your role,
this is what you do, this iswhat's expected of you, and this
is also what you can get awaywith.
And it was different between thesexes.
Those rule books, kind of likewe talked last week, last
episode, those those rule bookshave dissolved.
They've they've really beenblown to pieces.
(18:07):
And I and we're left with theremnants of that explosion in
the household, trying to figureout now, okay, what are our
roles going to be?
And the problem is everyone'strying to solve it at an
individual level.
What are my needs?
What's my truth?
Where am I gonna come from?
How do I feel best?
And then I start looking atother people.
(18:28):
And I think that's maybe whatyou were talking about in the
last episode, where there's anover-prioritization of
individual uh independence ofthe individual.
And I agree with that.
When you're in a householdenvironment, I think it's very
important, not just once you'rethere, but before you get there,
for you and your future spouseor your current spouse to say,
(18:50):
okay, what do we want our rulebook to be?
How do we want our life to run?
What do what roles do we wantfor ourselves and for each
other?
And and again, sharing these,getting them out there, and then
realizing that because thesocial rule book has been
completely demolished, yeah, weget to write it from scratch,
(19:10):
however we want with ourpartner.
And that's an amazing gift.
But most people don't bother todo that.
We just kind of have the oldrule book that we sort of
assumed that we, you know, is isgoing to play out because we got
it from childhood and our spousesignificant other is doing the
same thing, and you run into abunch of mess.
When the two of you decide, youknow what, let's actually get
(19:31):
explicit about how we would liketo feel, what our types of roles
are, and we don't impose on themor on ourselves any external
rights or wrongs.
We just share with them what itis that we're looking for.
That I think is the startingplace to sorting out this mess.
SPEAKER_00 (19:49):
Yeah, I agree.
It's been, I would say the stateof relationships has been in
flux now for a good 30 or 40years, right?
What you just described waspretty much static for a very
long time.
The traditional roles,masculine, feminine, et cetera,
it's been really since the 60s,so maybe even more than that,
(20:10):
60, 50, 60 years, that thatthings have been really in flux.
So that goes back to what wealways talk about, which is
knowing what your values, whatyour beliefs are, and then
communicating those effectivelyabout what you want, what you
want your life to look like andwhat you want your your
lifestyle to look like.
And so on that, on that note,though, women do process these
(20:33):
things differently.
So we talked about we want toproblem solve kind of
immediately.
If we don't, then we Step backand we're we kind of internalize
until we can process processthings.
Women process things by bygetting it out, by verbalization
and talking.
That's why you hear women say alot of times, well, don't say
(20:53):
anything.
I just want to be, I want to beheard, or create space, or or
whatever, right?
Whatever language they're usingat any given time, which which
I'm making fun of a little bit,but is understandable because
while they're not saying, hey,just let me throw up all of my
words onto you right now andjust sit there.
And then so let's talk aboutthat, but then let's also talk
(21:16):
about then about how we handlethat that storm, right?
Because it's a man, it's that isa that is a big one.
That is a big one.
If there's anything you guys aregonna get from this, is how to
handle the storm out of this outof this episode.
Because if you can be that ifyou can masterfully handle that,
then man, you're you're gonna bein good shape.
SPEAKER_02 (21:36):
Okay, so I I love this topic.
And you do.
Yeah, I do.
Well, it's real life too whenyou're experiencing it because
I'm experiencing real life.
Unless, unless I am at, youknow, level nine or ten in
Dallas in that moment, you know,which I'm usually not.
I'm like level six, you know,trying to hold it together when
(21:59):
the woman is throwing the stormat me.
No, no, I don't live in reallife, but I do, I do love the
clarity around it.
And and here's the clarity.
You know, so when women aresaying, I just need to get it
out, I just need to share myfeelings, I don't want you to
try to fix everything.
We wanna we want to listen tothat and take that at face
value.
And and for this to make sense,I'm gonna flip the tables again.
(22:22):
So, men, sexually speaking, wehave a pretty predictable
buildup of sexual energy, andthat sexual energy needs
release.
It it's as simple as that.
You know, we it builds up and wegotta let it out.
It builds up and we gotta let itout.
Women don't really have that.
Women somehow can go dormantsexually, not all women, but a
(22:42):
lot of women can go dormantsexually for years, and it's
just not really a big deal.
They don't have the samebuild-up need and need for
release of the sexual energy theway that men do.
So, so guys, first of all,realize like that's what's
happening on your end, and she'snot feeling that probably the
same way sexually.
(23:04):
Again, we're talking in grossgeneral terms, but that this is
generally speaking like it is.
She, however, understandsbecause we're very verbal about
it, that a man has sexual needsand he needs that release.
Women understand this about men.
SPEAKER_00 (23:19):
Okay, well, and it's another that goes back to the
evolutionary biology, which iswe were designed to spread our
seeds because men are killed atwar and battle and disease, like
all the time.
So that's how we're designed.
That's God's design for us to goout and like have that drive.
So, again, if you don't feelguilty about that, guys, like
(23:39):
no, no, no, not a bad thing.
That is that is a feature tokeep our our species alive.
So I just wanted to throw thatin there because we get so all
this talk, like you talked aboutthe the therapeutic, and I I'm
sorry, don't forget your pointbecause I know you're getting
somewhere, but we get all thistherapeutic talk, and it's just
like, well, why do you want sexso much?
(24:00):
Like, it's because we'redesigned that way.
That's just the way that it'sdesigned, and that's okay, guys.
Just just know, but we haveevolved, we have a
consciousness, we cancommunicate it better.
Anyway, okay, back to yourpoint.
SPEAKER_02 (24:11):
Yeah, just to wrap that up a little bit.
Male sexual energy, you know,women are on cycles, they're
only ready to have sex, youknow, for a short amount of
time.
As a man, you need to be readyto jump on that opportunity when
it presents itself.
And we are the descendants ofthe men that did that.
We we inherited those genes, andit's still inside of us.
Um, also, let me just say thisbecause society paints male
(24:38):
sexual energy as dirty.
We're dogs.
I know men are dogs, male sexualenergy is cheap, it's
expendable, gentlemen, it's not.
Male sexual energy when properlymastered is beautiful.
Full stop, point blank.
Male sexual energy in bed, malesexual energy leading a woman on
a date, male sexual energy byyourself and how you channel it
(25:02):
into areas of your life.
It is a positive, beautifulthing.
Whoever's telling us that menare dogs because they're horny
is is thinking in a very, veryshallow way.
Okay, that's enough about themale energy.
Now, here's the thing women havea similar buildup of their own,
but it's not a it's not a sexualbuildup.
(25:24):
Women have an emotional buildupthat happens over time.
And similarly to men needing therelease sexually, women need the
release emotionally.
Women need to let it out thesame way that guys sexually need
to let it out.
And if you think about yourselfas a guy, after you let it out,
you feel relieved, you feelunwound, you feel better, you
(25:47):
feel regulated, you know, youfeel calm.
Women, it's the same thing.
They have an emotional buildupthat needs to be let out.
Again, speaking in generalizedterms, I'm gonna I'm gonna stop
prefacing at this point.
I think everyone understandswe're speaking in general terms.
There are lots of exceptions.
SPEAKER_03 (26:03):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (26:04):
A woman needs, a woman will build up, build up,
build up emotions that need tobe let out.
And sometimes those emotions arelet out because you're holding
her and she just needs to cry.
Sometimes those emotions need tobe let out because she's being
the the the nurturer, thecaretaker, and she's letting out
(26:24):
her stress.
She's letting out her her whatwhatever it is that's
accumulated inside, she'sletting it out by cooking or you
know, taking care of somebody orsomething like that.
Sometimes that's how it'sregulated.
I know a lot of women cleaninghelps to regulate this.
But probably the biggest, mostcommon category is talking.
(26:45):
Women talk to let out thisemotional buildup.
And if you want to succeed as aman, realize that a woman
needing to talk to you is kindof like her version of hornyness
in a way.
It's it's something that needsto be regulated, it's something
that needs to come out.
And if you take care of that, ityou don't need to be like that
(27:09):
in order to recognize that sheis like that.
And you let you let her releaseand you invite her.
You're like, yeah, come on, tellme more.
Let it out.
I don't want any of this leftinside.
Please.
What else is going on?
And realize you don't, and andand and here's here's the real
crux is when women are sharing,men think that it's about an
(27:29):
external problem.
Most of the time it's not.
She's sharing because she has abuildup and needs to let it out.
So when we realize she's lettingit out, let her let her let her
release it.
Don't try to fix it becausethat's pointing to an external
problem.
You should just be inviting herto continue letting it out.
I see you want to jump in.
So go go right ahead.
SPEAKER_00 (27:50):
Yeah, I just wanted to say her logic brain is
offline when this is happening.
So that's the difference betweenthe so I think for a for an
analogy for guys, her logicbrain is offline when this
starts to happen.
So that's why you need to bejust a rock or a like a
mountain.
Not you don't here's thedifference I described.
(28:11):
You need to be a rock in amountain, like with the wind
blowing, right?
Because her logic brain isoffline and that's all that's
gonna happen, right?
You're not gonna be able to,you're not gonna be able to
communicate, do anything.
You just need to be that rock inthe that mountain in the storm,
but you can't be the leaf, orlike you can't just be blowing,
(28:33):
blown, run away, scared of it.
Like you need to be that thatrock in that because that's what
that's what she's that's whatshe's needing.
SPEAKER_02 (28:44):
Yeah, I I I agree.
I would take it a step furtherand say, you have to invite her.
A rock would just be a solid,you know, passive, you know, uh
monument that's able towithstand, you know, the storm
that's coming at you.
That's not really what shewants.
She doesn't want a guy that justsits there.
(29:04):
She wants a guy, she wants a guythat engages with her in the way
that she wants.
I'm gonna flip this back around.
When you're a man who's hornyand you want to release your
energy, do you want her to be adead fish?
You know, do you want her tojust be a rock, you know, until
you release yourself?
No, you want her involved, youwant her engaged, you want her
to say, baby, bring it on, letit all out.
(29:25):
I want you to have your release.
Okay, flip flip the tables.
As a man, you should be tellingher, baby, I want you to have
your release.
I don't want any of this left inyou.
I want you to spend yourself andlet it all out.
I'm on your side and let it alland let her expel this buildup
that's inside of her.
SPEAKER_00 (29:45):
Right.
And what I'm just yeah, and inthe description of being a rock
means you're not running away.
Whether it's directed towardsyou, whether it's not directed
towards you, you're there andyou're you're not you're not
taking off.
Like you're not hiding from it.
You're just gonna be there,you're gonna be the the the the
emotional rock in this in thisstorm.
(30:05):
But we're and we're not tryingto fix, but we're trying to
translate, right?
So we're not we're we're tryingto to understand what it is.
So that's that feedback.
You're not a rock just sittingthere and like like being dumb,
but you're not but you're notproactively doing what you want
to do, which is trying to fixit, right?
But what you're trying to do istrying to help trying to allow
(30:27):
her to be heard, right?
Which is gonna take like help,like maybe some feedback, like
help me understand this ordescribe to me.
SPEAKER_02 (30:36):
I'm not sure how much we have to understand.
We have to listen, you know, andtake and take it in and collect
it, and maybe we we we hear somenew points and later we can
process it and let let a clearpicture come together.
But I'm not sure we really haveto comprehend what's going on.
Again, let's go back to the.
(30:57):
Yes.
Well, I I would say your firstpriority is to let her dump out
the box of Legos onto the table.
Let her dump it all out.
Do not try, wait, wait, wait, wehave already we've got 12 out.
Let's let's sort these out.
Let her dump the whole dang kitonto the table.
Let her get it out, and and andto your point, be a rock in this
(31:18):
process, meaning don't take itpersonally, don't run away, wait
until all the facts are facts,that's a that's the wrong word.
Wait until all the pieces ofdata are out of her head and
onto the table.
Let those all get out before youtry to sort any of it out.
Because to because to yourpoint, as long as she still
needs to get this out, she's notshe's in a she's in a more
(31:42):
emotional place than in anintellectual and logical place.
And until you let her expel allof those pieces and let her like
get it out, she's she's stillgoing to basically have an
emotional heart on.
I'm sorry, I'm just gonnacontinue with this analogy
because I think it'sappropriate.
When we as a guy are are, youknow, we're we're horny, our
(32:04):
sexual energy is up, you know,and we're in the process of
having sex.
Do we want the woman to ask usto be comprehensible in that
moment?
Like, hell no.
Like we're, you know, and sheknows that.
And she's not asking us, it'slike, well, hang on, you know,
well, what do you mean by this?
It's like, just go with it.
Just go with it, girl.
Let's have fun with this.
Just go with it.
(32:24):
I mean, we're not, we're notentirely sane.
We're emotional or primal orsomething when we're when we're
when we're exercising our uhsexual energy.
It's the exact same on her end.
It's just not sexual, it'semotional.
And when she lets that out, youyou don't want to stop her mid
(32:46):
session, you know, before shegets to the end.
You want to invite her and baby,don't stop here.
You know, I want you to let allthis out onto the table.
And don't take it personally,don't worry about it making
sense.
You know, later when she's whenshe finally gets to the point
and says, Oh, thank you.
You know, and that's your cue,you know.
One and and you're only gonnaget there if to your point you
(33:08):
are not reacting, you're notrunning away, and you're just
being a rock saying, Bring itall out.
I can we can hold all this,yeah, no problem.
Let it all out.
And then she's like, Oh, thankyou for listening.
And you go, Okay, cool.
There's a lot there.
What uh this part this partreally caught my attention when
you said I I I don't lied theother day or I was mansplaining
(33:32):
to you, or whatever it is.
Yo, you you said that it's like,did you did you mean that?
Or was that just kind of youkind of like getting it out, you
know?
SPEAKER_00 (33:39):
Yeah, and and usually my first question is do
you did you just need me tolisten?
Yeah, because if I don't need toget into a conversation, I don't
wanna.
Right?
So sometimes it's you just needto listen, and then I've I've
I've just said, hey, you know,well, thanks for sharing with
me.
I appreciate hearing yourfeelings.
(34:00):
Like, yeah did you did you justneed me to listen, or do you
want to have a conversationabout it?
SPEAKER_02 (34:05):
Well, okay, and and that's true.
And and I think obviously, yes,she wants you to listen.
She wouldn't be talking to youif she didn't want you to
listen.
SPEAKER_00 (34:12):
I yeah, well, did she just want me to listen?
And then we don't have to doanything else.
Like, yeah, sometimes women justneed to get it out, like you
said.
Like sometimes with our sexualenergy, it's gonna be a quickie,
right?
Yeah, we just need a quickie andand do it.
It's not gonna be filled withromance, right?
That's their quickie, theiremotional quickie.
They just needed to get it out,and then you don't need the
(34:33):
conversation and everythingelse, right?
SPEAKER_02 (34:35):
Or it could be a long love-making session that
they're doing where they'rebringing up stuff about their
mom and about other things.
It could be a long one too.
The the point is you want togive her her release the same
way you want her to want you tohave your release.
They just look differently, andand that's that is one of the
services that that you provideas a primary partner.
(34:58):
You're there to help her havethat release.
Now, let me point out somethingreally cool here.
This I had a session with theguys a while back.
We were talking about this.
It came up in actually aone-on-one session I had where
there was a guy asking, why do Ihave to listen to her talk about
all this stuff when she's gotlike a sister and female friends
and like they all listen to her.
(35:19):
Why do I, as a man, have to alsolisten to her?
Good question.
Yeah, it's a really, really goodquestion.
And it got me thinking, and Irealized one, there must be a
reason for it.
Because you know, the fact thatshe's coming to a man who's not
built to listen the way thatwomen do means there must be
something there that she'slooking for.
And I can't, I I I'm notrecalling all of my notes on on
(35:43):
the talk at the moment, but oneof the important ones is women
tend to take on and absorbresponsibilities.
You know, when a woman issharing her stressful situation
with another woman, the otherwoman will tend to absorb it.
And oh, yeah, I know how youfeel.
Oh, that's so horrible when thathappens.
And, you know, and there's a lotof back and forth, there's a lot
(36:03):
of empathizing that happens,feeling each other's feelings.
When she brings it to a man, Ireally don't think she wants a
man to be empathetic with her.
She doesn't want me to suddenlygo, oh, I know how that feels.
Oh, that's so horrible.
And should that that's not arock.
That that is not masculine forme to drop into a fully
empathetic place.
(36:23):
I I honestly believe that whatshe wants in that moment is to
share it with us and for her tosee that we are listening, we're
seeing, she has our attention,and we're not absorbing it.
We're not being empatheticbecause we're modeling for her
something different than her andall of her girlfriends naturally
feel.
We're modeling how to not absorband have and be overrun by
(36:48):
feelings.
We're showing her an example ofa guy that stays clean even when
you splash a bucket of emotionalwater on him.
It just doesn't go in, we don'tget saturated.
SPEAKER_00 (36:59):
The other thing the visual I'm getting when you
describe that is a ship on theocean, right?
Like you are the ship, you arestaying your course, the storm's
going around, the her waves aregoing up and down all over the
place, but you're still holdingcourse, you're still going, and
you're still steady, and you'restill floating, right?
(37:19):
Yeah, you don't become waterwhen she starts talking to you.
SPEAKER_02 (37:23):
Other women do that, and she gets that from other
women and she needs that.
What she needs from you is foryou to not become water.
She still wants your attention,she wants you to listen, she
wants all of that in place.
She wants all of that, but shewants you to also demonstrate
that you can maintain clarityand structure even when all this
water is splashing onto you.
(37:44):
Okay, there's another elementthough that I really believe
that women want to see, and thisspeaks to the the instinct in
men to try to problem solve.
So when she's sharing with herwith her girlfriends and her
sisters and her mom and herdaughters all the stuff that's
going on, and they're allempathizing and feeling, it's
(38:05):
all about validating thefeelings.
It's all about feeling thefeelings with each other so we
all know it's okay to feel thesefeelings.
That that's being in thefeminine space.
And the priority of solving theproblem is a lot lowered down.
It's it's a much lower priorityto actually solve any of this.
As a man, our priority, youknow, one of our top priorities
(38:26):
is to solve problems.
And thank goodness we are,because because the humans
probably wouldn't have survived,you know, as long as we have if
we we hadn't been wired forproblem solving.
Okay, so here's the thing, andthis this is this is really
subtle.
When a woman presents problemsto us, she doesn't want us to
immediately solve those problemsor even suggest things to solve
(38:50):
it.
She wants to be able to get itout and regulate herself so
she's not storing it up inside.
But when she shares that infront of a man who can solve
these problems, if he was calledon to do so, laying that in
front of that guy and to seethat that guy, and you know just
from looking at that man that hecould fix it in, you know, in in
(39:13):
in two minutes if he had to.
Her her sharing that in front ofa problem solver, but that is
not in it is not yet takenaction in solving the problem,
that is a huge part of herregulating herself.
She's laying all this out, andshe can see that her man is cue
is as cool as a cucumber.
(39:34):
He knows exactly what to do, andhe doesn't need to step in and
start fixing anything in thatmoment.
He's gonna wait until it's timeto do that.
And that's after she's dumped itall out and gotten it out there.
SPEAKER_03 (39:47):
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (39:48):
Yeah.
One more thing that I I justwant to point this out, and and
this this speaks to theproblem-solving thing is the boy
brain is seeing a woman that'supset, thinking, Oh my god, I
gotta fix this.
This is this is bad.
Okay.
One, when we try to fix it,we're we're trying to reverse
the flow.
She's sharing, she's dumpingthings out, and we're trying to
(40:10):
fix it.
And that's like trying to likeshove the toothpaste back into
the toothpaste tube.
Like it doesn't work.
You have to just let it's a oneway direction.
You let it out.
Once once that has happened, ohshoot, I lost my train of
thought.
Dang it.
SPEAKER_00 (40:24):
Well, let me ask you this, though, because that's
really incredibly confusing.
Right?
Because what you did what youdescribed at before earlier, our
natural, their natural tendencyis completely opposite of what
our natural.
Tendency is.
And this is like the whole menare from Mars, women are from
Venus, John Gray the thing, andcommunicating and and and
(40:46):
whatnot.
So it goes completely againstwhat we what we automatically
want to do.
So now that we know, okay, well,we're the ship, we need to just
weather the storm, we need tocreate the the ability to
listen, we need to keep ourcourse, we need to keep our
cool, even if it's directed atus about something, then at what
(41:10):
point in particular, if thisbecomes something where there's
accusations, or I didn't likethis or didn't like that.
When then you know how do weknow when their logic mind is
then back online?
Right?
When that prefrontal cortex fitis working, and then we can
start with say nonviolentcommunication of hey, you said
(41:33):
X, I'm mansplaining to you.
SPEAKER_03 (41:35):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_00 (41:36):
I understand that that upsets you.
Can you describe to me on timewhen I like when do you know
that?
And then what is the process forthen communicating about that?
SPEAKER_02 (41:47):
Okay, gotcha.
Excellent question.
Excellent question.
So the frequency of words, youknow, the rush of information
coming out of their mouths dropsdown, drops down.
That means there's less left tocome out.
There's there's less pr waterpressure behind the words, like
pushing them out.
But as a guy, don't think thatthat means that everything has
(42:09):
been gotten out.
You want to invite her.
Is there more?
Please tell me more.
I would love to hear more.
Thank you for sharing all thiswith me.
Thank you for trusting me andputting this out here.
Thank you for telling me thatyou thought I was manslaining.
Is there more?
You want to encourage and inviteher to get it all out.
When you're in when you'reinviting that way, she will tell
(42:29):
you, no, that's it.
You know, and the words willstop, it'll come to an end, and
it'll and and when that happens,you will see that she has
become, she has re-regulated.
She and and you didn't have todo anything.
She regulated herself throughthe act of sharing, the same way
that a man regulates his ownsexual energy through the act of
(42:52):
having sex.
We brought ourselves back to abalanced, regulated, calm place
by having sex.
A woman will regulate herself.
And this is the thing that wedon't have to fix.
We don't have to regulate her.
She will regulate herself by herown nature just through the
sharing.
Now, back go back to yourquestion.
SPEAKER_00 (43:12):
Well, let's be clear too.
And this isn't like, Are youdone yet?
No, it's like you're invitingher.
You want inviting right, right,right.
SPEAKER_02 (43:20):
This isn't like looking at your watch, like,
okay, did you imagine it allout?
Imagine a woman that did that toyou when you're having sex.
How would you feel?
If a woman said, Are you doneyet?
If a woman said, Are are we?
It's been 10 minutes.
Like when I mean, she'sobviously doesn't want to be in
bed with you.
Guys, it's exactly the same.
This is her version of release.
(43:42):
I'm again that there is athere's a very clear thing.
If you're looking at yourheart's going, really, you know,
are you done?
Can't you do this with somebodyelse?
Can't you do this by yourself?
That's like that's like yourpartner saying, Well, can't you
just masturbate rather than havesex with me?
Guys, yeah, like this is asimportant to her as sex is to
you.
That's that's that's the bigtakeaway here.
Okay, now I want to come back toyour question of bringing up
(44:05):
stuff that she brought out.
So once we gotten to the end,you're listening, you're
encouraging her, and you can seeshe's regulated, and there's a
big sigh, you know, things arecalmer, and you can go, okay.
Now if she now, if she wastalking about problems in her
life, that would be where I ask.
So do you, you know, do youwant, am I just listening right
(44:25):
now, or do you want me to speakinto any of these things?
But realize we're talking aboutissues that she that are in her
life with her and other people,not your territory.
She's an independent grownwoman.
She she decides whether or notshe wants you speaking in.
Maybe she does, maybe shedoesn't.
And you can ask there.
Okay, so that's some of the someof the Lego pieces that were
(44:46):
dumped out on the table.
All right, but there were someother Lego pieces like Dallas,
you were manslinging to me, oryou know, this other night, you
know, you totally, you know,ignored me when you made this
comment.
Or, you know, there were piecesthat came out that are very
relevant to me as a man.
I did my job of not reacting,not running away, not shutting
(45:08):
down while she was sharing.
That was my job so that we sothat she can get it all out and
we can see what we're dealingwith.
Okay, now I'm gonna I'm gonnalook and sort through all these
pieces and I'm gonna ask myself,which one of these is the most
important for me to know about?
We're not gonna go, okay, well,now I'm gonna spew five or six
(45:30):
or twelve back at you, and Ineed you to answer all of them.
We're men, we're not, we don'tspew like that.
We prioritize, you know, we weproblem solve.
And I'm gonna look at whicheverone of these that I feel is the
biggest red flag in me.
That and I need to know, did youmean this?
Or what part of this did youmean?
But notice here that I'm askingfor myself and not for her.
(45:54):
You know, so if it was, youknow, so yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (45:57):
Can I can I make a quick point?
If you feel emotionally chargedby anything that was said, wait
to have this conversation.
Like do right, like they don'tbecause what you just said, like
don't start coming back withstuff whether you did this, dah
dah, dah, right?
That's not helping.
That will not help.
So if that's what if that's whatyour initial reaction is, if you
feel emotionally charged, ifyou're get angry about what she
(46:20):
said or sad or hurt, like takethe time and whatever that time
is, maybe it's you step away fora few minutes, maybe it's you go
back to it the next day, butdon't have the conversation in
an emotionally charged.
You again, cool as a cucumber,you gotta be steady, you gotta
be rocky, you gotta be able tohave this conversation at a
maybe normal tone, yeah, be ableto create the emotional safety
(46:43):
and security to be able then toaddress what she what she
emoted.
SPEAKER_02 (46:47):
Yeah.
So, and there's two things thatare gonna cause your blood to go
up, you know, for you to getheated inside.
One is your own past and you'rereacting because somebody struck
a nerf with you.
You do not want to be speakingfrom a reactive place.
You want to find your baselineinside yourself again and speak
from your baseline where you'recalm and clear-minded.
(47:09):
You don't want to be in anemotional place because that
doesn't help with the clarity.
The second thing is the way thatshe shared something could have
been very accusatory.
It could have been, you know, ayou know, a very strong word,
like calling you a liar.
And it could really, you know,it might not be something that
that you necessarily aretriggered by.
It might not be your past, butshe could be, you know,
(47:32):
weaponizing her feelings and andthrowing daggers at you.
She might be doing that.
And here's the thing to rememberin those situations, and you
know, to and this is this wouldbe like one of the most
important elements totransforming a man transforming
himself into a rock.
Is, and this is the thing I askis I would say, does a confident
(47:54):
person behave the way she isbehaving right now?
Would a confident person say itthat way?
And the answer is always no,they wouldn't.
Confident people don't have tothrow daggers at people, they
don't have to attack people.
They're they're confident.
They they there's no need forit.
So when we realize that the wayshe's saying this is coming from
a place where she's notconfident, that means that
(48:16):
behind it there is a hurt girl,there's there's some there's a
there's a little girl that'swounded, there's somebody that
feels insecure, they're worriedabout something, there's
something you know coming out.
And so then when I ask, so thisthing, when you told me that I
was mansplaining, what uh youknow, what did you mean by that?
Realize that if it feels like itwas weaponized towards you, it's
(48:39):
because she felt that she hadto, not because of you, but that
she's not confident enough tosay it in a in a non-attacking
way.
And when and when we're saying,hey, can you tell me more about
this?
That's asking her to unpack it,you know, pull the knife out of
your chest and and and transformit into, well, really what it is
(48:59):
is I feel really worried whenyou do this or you forget to do
that.
It makes me feel like maybe youdon't love me anymore, and then
I think you're gonna leave me.
And you know, and then we getthe real story behind the
accusation.
The trick though is when you'rewhen you're when a woman is, you
know, when her blood is up andshe's in the middle of the act,
you know, it's it can, you know,it's kind of like a man in the
(49:21):
middle of his sexual act.
You look different, you know,you're wrapped up in it.
There's a lot of energy.
Well, check in afterwards andgo, okay, so where so where was
that?
You know, what what what wasthat really about?
SPEAKER_00 (49:35):
Yeah.
Give her the opportunity toshare.
Well, and that's so, and that isthe crux of the original
question, right?
It's um it's until you get tothe point where the emo the
emoting's done or the sharing orwhatever is done, you can't have
any productive conversationabout any part of it, right?
(49:55):
So everything we've described upto here is what you got to do,
and is your responsibility asthe the the guy in this in order
to bring this to some sort of prproductive outcome, right?
Because they don't know.
And and and and so they don'tknow what they're doing.
Like they don't know whenthey're doing that.
(50:16):
Just like you might not, hey,it's maybe a little bit more
straightforward, but you youdon't you know you're horny, but
like you don't know what you'redoing when you're horny, right?
Like your mind kind of shutsoff, right?
That's when they talk about youryour other head making decisions
for you, right?
It's the same thing for them.
They're like they're our otherheads thinking when we're horny.
(50:36):
For them, it's their theiremotional head, their heart
exactly.
Their emotional head is is doingit, and then once you get
through all that, then you canstart having the productive
conversation, the nonviolentcommunication where you're
asking, like what you describethe specifics about tell me more
about that.
What is that feeling that'scomes up?
(50:57):
What is behind that?
What is it that you're needingfrom me?
Can we agree on what how to goforward on all this?
And then it can then actually,guys, I tell you what, like you
described it, it can turn reallysexy really fast when they start
when they feel emotionally safewith you, when you've in a
roundabout way help them solvetheir problem, which is what you
(51:20):
do, and then they're like, Whoa,this is oh yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (51:26):
Once once that woman has shared the emotions and they
are out and she's regulated andshe feels light-hearted,
light-hearted women tend to feelhorny, and suddenly she's in the
mood, and then she's feelingreally grateful.
She's like, Oh man, I've gotthis great man who listens to
me.
He didn't interrupt me, hedidn't react, he didn't run
away, he didn't shut down likeevery other man I've been in a
(51:46):
relationship with.
Oh my god, I really want to havesex with him now.
That that will tend to be it.
And and to come back to it,Robin Williams had this had this
great line in one of hisstand-up routines.
I think it was live on Broadway.
At the very end, he says, he'slike, and then I realized that
God gave man a brain and apenis, but only enough blood to
run one at a time.
(52:09):
And I feel like that's entirelytrue.
It's like God gave woman a brainand I don't know, an emotion
basket, but only enough blood torun one at a time.
SPEAKER_03 (52:19):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (52:19):
Guides, let her do it the same, and and don't just
let her invite her to do it thesame way that you don't want her
to let you have sex with her andask you when you're gonna be
done.
You want her to invite you andwant to have sex with her, and
then say, you know, I I I lovethis.
And and I believe, I believethat as we as we start to
understand our role functionallyand how we provide a genuine
(52:43):
emotional service, an emotionalregulation service to our woman,
it gets easier and and it almostbecomes beautiful and it becomes
like a wild ride, the same waysex can be a wild ride.
The emotional regulation of thewoman can become a wild ride
because you're not taking itpersonally anymore.
You realize where it's reallycoming from.
SPEAKER_00 (53:02):
Man, I like that uh that analogy.
I think we should end it rightthere.
We've got all of these partsgoing and just enough blood to
run only half of them.
That's that's uh that'sexcellent.
Dallas, this was this wasterrific, guys.
I hope that you found somevalue.
This is one, again, like I saidin the beginning, for me, it's
(53:24):
like been an issue all the timewhen I when I hear this.
So I I hope it brings a couplethings.
Just some solace in knowingthat, hey, this is a learning
process for you guys for you.
Just like it was for Dallas, forme, for for all of us.
And if we just approach this ina compassionate manner as men,
hopefully the women that thatwe're that we're in relation
(53:45):
with are are approaching it froma compassionate manner as well.
If we just have more compassionaround the evolving uh way in
which we're we're relating now,it's just gonna be so much
better.
So, Dallas, where where can guysget a hold of you to to to get
more information on how toutilize and and implement these
(54:06):
pearls of wisdoms that you sharewith us every week?
SPEAKER_02 (54:09):
Jump on over to blackboxstating.com.
You can check out the men'scoaching program.
You can also find my socialmedia feeds where I've got lots
of videos being posted all thetime.
Really, though, go over to thelet's see, you know the website,
I don't.
Get on get on the mailing listso that you can be invited to
the live Q ⁇ A session.
That would really be the coolestplace for me to meet you and and
(54:31):
for us to to bring up more ofthese questions and topics and
really dive into it.
That's that's the best place.
And we're doing it pretty muchonce a month.
SPEAKER_00 (54:38):
Yeah, yep, and that's at the the the
divorcedadvocate.com uh at theevents page, uh on the main
page, you just click on join themailing list, and you will get
uh all the all the the goodstuff that that we've got going
on in the community.
And if you found some value inwhat you heard today, please
share it far and wide uh far andwide on social media.
(55:00):
Give us a star rating, leave acomment, that helps as well.
So, Dallas, always a pleasure.
We will talk next week.
SPEAKER_02 (55:08):
Wonderful, Jude.
Talk to you next week.
Hello, and welcome to Dad's Dating After Divorce,
the only podcast that is goingto help you to traverse the Wild
West of dating post-divorce.
My name is Jude Samval.
I am the founder of The DivorceAdvocate, and my co-host, as
always, Dallas Bluth of BlackBox Dating.
(01:00):
How are you doing, Dallas?
Doing great, Jude.
SPEAKER_02 (01:02):
Love to be out here in the Wild West with you,
covering all the dating for the.
SPEAKER_00 (01:06):
Well, we're literally in the Wild West
because we're both here from theDenver metro area.
And then we're in the Wild Westof dating after divorce, which
is its own kind of Wild Westwithin the Wild West.
So and on that note, maybe weneed to be exploring maybe other
cities and talking to some ofthe other guys and dads from
(01:27):
some of the other cities.
And maybe in the future we talkabout that or we invite some on
because we're kind of in ourlittle Denver Metro Colorado
bubble.
And I know there's definitelynuances to that.
So if you are a divorced dad inone of the other metro areas or
even one in a country that youmight be listening in on, touch
(01:48):
base with us.
We'd love to to chat with youkind of about what your
experience.
And this is in general also.
Any dads that are listening,we'd love to get feedback from
you and hear about what yourexperiences are.
And maybe we'll have you uh evenhave you on the show, possibly.
SPEAKER_02 (02:03):
And and the best place to start with that would
be to jump on the mailing listso that you can come to our next
QA, live QA session.
Do we have one of those on thecalendar?
I don't have my calendar up.
SPEAKER_00 (02:12):
Yeah, we have one coming up here on December 18th.
So this episode will will hitwhat on the 9th.
So yeah, about a week and a halfafter this episode hits on
December 18th.
So go to thedivorcedadvocate.com and go to
the events page, and we've goteverything linked there to where
you can get the you can get thethe time and the date and the
(02:38):
the the zoom link as well andand jump on.
And and and this is a greatopportunity, guys, to to uh pick
Dallas's brain.
And and I know the guys werereally, really picking your
brain on the last one.
It was a really great session,and we actually had that to end
it after the hour, but and thengo check out well after you do
(02:58):
that or before you do that, gocheck out Black Box Dating.
And uh, what's the the name ofthe group at Black Box Dating?
Your your dating site, like themembership group?
SPEAKER_02 (03:07):
Uh it's black box dating.
It's it's the community that wehave, it's it's under the same
name.
Oh, we well, we got a name atsomething, man.
SPEAKER_00 (03:14):
It could be like the motherhood or like the sharks.
Maybe with the sharks, like orsomething, man.
We need to come up with a like acommunity name for black box
dating for for you guys.
Okay, I'll work on that.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, no, well, let's havethe guys mail it in.
What's what's the the communityname for for black box dating
and for all the work that Dallasdoes?
(03:35):
Because you know, because thenyou guys could go out and when
you're doing your field work,you could like have jackets and
stuff like that.
That creates some conversationaround like what you know, who
are these guys, like all intheir black jackets, the sharks.
Like, yeah, I want to talk tothem.
SPEAKER_02 (03:50):
We've got some cohesive branding coming on so
the women see us and they'relike, ooh, this this must be
something special.
SPEAKER_00 (03:55):
All right, man.
We've I I have totally digressedthis episode for the first five
minutes.
So let's get back on track.
And we're gonna talk about amassive topic as far as I'm
concerned.
And it's one of those things Ifeel like that our society takes
for gospel, but we have toquestion this.
(04:17):
And that is do women actuallyexpress their emotions better
than men, right?
So we're kind of told all thetime women are the emotional
experts and we're maybe theemotional rocks, right?
But I want to to challenge thatbecause we had a conversation
last week.
I have conversations all thetime with other dads, and I have
(04:41):
commu I have communications uhout in the dating world myself,
that there is a differencebetween emoting and
communicating, right?
These are not the same thing.
So I want to talk about thedifferences between emoting, who
emotes more, and whocommunicates more?
(05:03):
Maybe talk about some emotionalintelligence and then also ways
in which we can communicate moreeffectively.
So that's that's what we'regonna talk about, guys.
So so Dallas, first, let me justask you do you experience that
that claim first that men thatthat men are emotionally less
(05:27):
abil to communicate or in tunewith their their feelings?
And second, do women emote morethan men and are they better at
communicating because they doemote?
Gotcha.
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (05:41):
I'm gonna come back to the word emoting because I
want to be sure that we're allon the same page.
Actually, let's start with that.
When you say emoting, is thatbasically just kind of sharing,
spewing out the emotions in sortof a raw way?
What what do you mean byemoting?
SPEAKER_00 (05:56):
Okay, yeah.
So like she's in tears and she'stalking, or she comes home from
work and she's like emotionallycharged and and talking a
thousand miles a minute, orshe's uh shouting and venting,
or something like that, right?
And that's like working just getmad at you about something that
(06:19):
you didn't empty the dishwasherand like like spewing all this
stuff out.
So that's that's that's emotingas opposed to like oftentimes
when that happens, guys willstart to maybe shut down, maybe
start to withdraw because andand we we can get into this is
(06:40):
the the difference in in how wedo stuff, and then people will
be like, Well, look, like she'sreally in tune with her mother,
she's like getting it out, andshe's talking about it, right?
And and and talking about it isscreaming and yelling, but
that's not actuallycommunicating your feelings,
right?
That's what I describe asemoting.
SPEAKER_02 (07:01):
Okay, gotcha.
Okay, want to be sure we're onthe same page, and that that's
more or less the the same imageI have in my mind.
Okay, so the first question youhad was, you know, are men in my
experience, are men lessemotional than women?
No, they're not less emotional,but men tend to lead less with
their emotions.
(07:22):
And so men tend to lead morewith thoughts, with logic, with
competency.
We men socially connect with andand assess other men differently
than women do, justfundamentally differently.
A man that shows up and he'sjust emotions first.
We're just we're just gonna putit in in sort of an order of
(07:43):
operations.
A man that leads with hisemotions first is not going to
be all that respected by hisfellow male counterparts.
He's just not.
We're we are functioning,functional, logical creatures.
We're we're task-oriented.
You know, if we go out to theconstruction site to build a
house, we've got a job to do, weneed to communicate clearly, and
(08:06):
feelings are not what it'sabout.
We're not, you know, did youhave a bad day or whatever?
It's like, well, we can get intothat maybe once we start
swinging our hammers, and oncewe've got a rhythm going, and
once we know what the job is.
But but men that lead with theiremotions, generally speaking,
don't make it very far in theworld with other men.
So I would say that's that's thefirst that's the first step.
SPEAKER_00 (08:29):
Yeah.
So can can I point that outbecause so, and and just to
expand on that point, for me, itfeels like it's a biological
difference, right?
So what you just described ismen when something an emotion
like the feelings come, theythey're externalizing it first
to solve a problem, or if theycan't quite get to that point
(08:53):
quickly, they're gonna stop andthey're gonna internalize it,
right?
And that's where you get a lotof the the stoicism or maybe the
the withdrawal, uh allegations,accusations, etc.
Like you're not in touch withit.
But men will, if they can'texternalize it, figure out what
the problem is right away,they'll usually stop and
internalize it and not talkabout those feelings, right?
(09:15):
It's not the it's uh I don'tknow for you, but for me, it's
like if I'm not sure right away,like I'll like I'll completely
stop and I'll like I'llcompletely withdraw until I can
really try to get my mind aroundsolving that problem, right?
The problem internally first.
SPEAKER_02 (09:32):
Yeah, I I think that's true.
I think a lot of men uh ourfirst our first response, our
first instinct is to solve theproblem, whatever it is.
And if we don't know what thesolution is, we're not going to
proceed anyway as if we knewwe're going to take a step back
and try to assess the situationand move forward once we feel
like we have a solution.
(09:53):
But let me point out, let mepoint out a really important
point here.
Men's instinct to fix problems,in a lot of ways, that's our
emotion.
That's coming from a feelinginside of us.
We want to fix issues when theycome up.
That that's how we're wired.
When a woman shares with us, youknow, all the bad things that
(10:13):
are going on at work and youknow, her boss is doing this and
the coworkers are doing that.
When we have an instinct thatcomes up that wants to solve
that problem, that is notunemotional.
That's simply male emotions, thethe the emotions that men tend
to feel.
That's our emotions coming outfirst.
And I I understand that there'sa that from the woman's point of
(10:37):
view, we're not being sensitive,we're not listening to what
she's doing, and we're notresponding in the way that is
most effective for women.
I agree with that.
When we are trying to solve awoman's problems, we are not
being effective in what sheneeds.
We're not being emotionallyintelligent to what she needs.
But that is not the same thingas saying that I'm being
(10:58):
unemotional as a man or justlogical.
I'm driven by very differentemotional motivations than women
are.
And right now, the the issuethat I have is right now we have
a very lopsided dialogue as faras emotional intelligence.
The the dominant emotionalintelligence comes from our
therapy culture.
(11:19):
And the therapy culture is forthe most part dominated by a
feminine and even a feministvoice.
Yeah.
I'm not saying that all of thatis inherently bad.
I'm saying that that is not thecomplete picture.
And men have a differentemotional intelligence language.
We have a different emotionalintelligence wiring.
And the fact that our firstfeeling, our first gut, our
(11:42):
first instinct is to fixsomething, that is not a bad
feeling.
That's a valid feeling.
It's just a male feeling thatcomes out first and leads sooner
than the female feelings.
SPEAKER_00 (11:54):
Well, let's let's let's also emphasize the point
from an evolution evolutionarybiological standpoint is once
upon a time, men had to do thatin order to survive.
Like it was problem solvingimmediately because you were
going to get eaten or killed.
And so that has been what forfor centuries and centuries,
(12:19):
what our nervous system is ishas developed and has been
trained to be like.
So now that we're in a a time,and this time has only been not
even a hundred years, where wewhere it's not that way anymore.
We for for the most part, acrossmost parts of the world, where
you don't have to react that wayin order to just survive, that
(12:43):
have some compassion with menand guys have some compassion
with yourself about hey, this isjust wired into us biologically
over generations and eons oftime in order to survive.
And so that's that's okay.
That's okay.
(13:03):
That that is the feeling thatcomes up first, which is
survival.
What do I start, what do I do?
And and then you want.
Okay.
Yeah.
So that's good.
SPEAKER_02 (13:12):
And and and it's not just have patience with it.
Yes, have patience with theinstinct.
You know, less than 100 yearsago, we didn't have the
abundance of resources,particularly food, shelter, fuel
that we do now.
We live in a very comfortableenvironment for the last, I
don't know, 80, 90 years, youknow, roughly.
And of course, we're we'regiving gross generalizations
(13:33):
globally.
But compare that to the last200,000, 250,000 years that Homo
sapiens have been around, not tomention all, you know, you know,
the evolutionary chain thatcomes before that.
Yeah, there's there's a lot ofthere's a lot of DNA programming
that comes into it.
But the other thing that I wouldlook at is the responsiveness
(13:54):
that we have.
A man that sees the situationand wants to take action, that
is still a sexy man in today'senvironment.
We just need to learn how todirect that instinct, that
energy, that that proactivedrive.
We need to put it into new, intonew situations.
(14:16):
For example, rather than beingpassive about our diet and you
know, eating fast food andwhatever comes easy and you know
blowing, you know, blowing ourour calorie budget out of the
water, you know, every day andgaining a bunch of extra fat.
Learning how to become proactiveas opposed to passive in those
situations and driving towards aresult that we want in our
(14:40):
physique, in our diet, in ourhealth, whatever it might be,
these are still very, very validand sexy traits for a man to
have.
It's not just a matter of usadapting to a resource-abundant
society that we live in.
It's learning what are theplaces in our current society
(15:03):
where that hunter instinct,where you get up and you go get
it, you know, where you're nolonger stepping over the
procrastination, where you'restepping past looking for the
easy, quick life hack, you know,fix that's on Facebook or
TikTok.
Those are the places that thattoday's instinctive masculine
(15:24):
hunter has to be applyinghimself.
That does take that does takediscernment, discretion, and
that takes that takes a certainamount of insight.
But it's the healthy place tochannel that that masculine
energy.
SPEAKER_00 (15:37):
Yeah.
I was gonna say that that's thedelicate balance that is
challenging, I feel like, forguys, like any guys, not just a
divorced dad, but any guy thesedays, is to balance that because
it used to be we could be inthat mode all the time, and then
that was also attractive to awoman, and she understood the
(15:58):
fact that he was simply solvingproblems and keeping her alive,
keeping the children alive, etcetera.
We've evolved to a differentlevel of consciousness now where
we need to know and have thatemotional intelligence that you
spoke about, which is okay, thisis probably the mode I'm in at
work, and that's good, or or inthe gym or with guys or or
(16:19):
something like that.
But when I'm home with thefamily or when I'm with her,
then I need to then understandthis delicate balance now where
I can't be in that mode all ofthe time because that's it it
could be frightening, it couldbe disconcerting.
It's it's definitely not helpingcommunication, right?
(16:41):
Because there needs to be somelevel of communication.
And then you also get the flipside of that with women.
I have a conversation all thetime when they're at work and
they're in this like masculinementality that it's hard for
them to stop that when they gethome, get into their feminine,
and then allow thatcomplimentary dynamic to happen.
And that happens then a lot.
(17:02):
Well, when you've got whenyou've got a woman comes home,
but she's in that you know, thatthat masculine mode, and you're
in that masculine mode, and thenshe starts emoting, and then you
start withdrawing, like itcreates this whole like a mess,
yeah, right?
Because you don't you don'tknow, she doesn't know that that
that you're doing it, and thenthat becomes where there's a
(17:23):
breakdown, right?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (17:25):
Okay, so I I completely agree with what
you're saying, and it is a mess.
And I want to point out one ofthe I feel the underlying causes
of this mess is again,throughout the majority of human
history, uh society was morehomogenous.
We had rule books that told menwhat men were supposed to be and
(17:46):
do and behave and what wasexpected of them and what they
were allowed to get away with.
And throughout history, womenwere told this is your role,
this is what you do, this iswhat's expected of you, and this
is also what you can get awaywith.
And it was different between thesexes.
Those rule books, kind of likewe talked last week, last
episode, those those rule bookshave dissolved.
They've they've really beenblown to pieces.
(18:07):
And I and we're left with theremnants of that explosion in
the household, trying to figureout now, okay, what are our
roles going to be?
And the problem is everyone'strying to solve it at an
individual level.
What are my needs?
What's my truth?
Where am I gonna come from?
How do I feel best?
And then I start looking atother people.
(18:28):
And I think that's maybe whatyou were talking about in the
last episode, where there's anover-prioritization of
individual uh independence ofthe individual.
And I agree with that.
When you're in a householdenvironment, I think it's very
important, not just once you'rethere, but before you get there,
for you and your future spouseor your current spouse to say,
(18:50):
okay, what do we want our rulebook to be?
How do we want our life to run?
What do what roles do we wantfor ourselves and for each
other?
And and again, sharing these,getting them out there, and then
realizing that because thesocial rule book has been
completely demolished, yeah, weget to write it from scratch,
(19:10):
however we want with ourpartner.
And that's an amazing gift.
But most people don't bother todo that.
We just kind of have the oldrule book that we sort of
assumed that we, you know, is isgoing to play out because we got
it from childhood and our spousesignificant other is doing the
same thing, and you run into abunch of mess.
When the two of you decide, youknow what, let's actually get
(19:31):
explicit about how we would liketo feel, what our types of roles
are, and we don't impose on themor on ourselves any external
rights or wrongs.
We just share with them what itis that we're looking for.
That I think is the startingplace to sorting out this mess.
SPEAKER_00 (19:49):
Yeah, I agree.
It's been, I would say the stateof relationships has been in
flux now for a good 30 or 40years, right?
What you just described waspretty much static for a very
long time.
The traditional roles,masculine, feminine, et cetera,
it's been really since the 60s,so maybe even more than that,
(20:10):
60, 50, 60 years, that thatthings have been really in flux.
So that goes back to what wealways talk about, which is
knowing what your values, whatyour beliefs are, and then
communicating those effectivelyabout what you want, what you
want your life to look like andwhat you want your your
lifestyle to look like.
And so on that, on that note,though, women do process these
(20:33):
things differently.
So we talked about we want toproblem solve kind of
immediately.
If we don't, then we Step backand we're we kind of internalize
until we can process processthings.
Women process things by bygetting it out, by verbalization
and talking.
That's why you hear women say alot of times, well, don't say
(20:53):
anything.
I just want to be, I want to beheard, or create space, or or
whatever, right?
Whatever language they're usingat any given time, which which
I'm making fun of a little bit,but is understandable because
while they're not saying, hey,just let me throw up all of my
words onto you right now andjust sit there.
And then so let's talk aboutthat, but then let's also talk
(21:16):
about then about how we handlethat that storm, right?
Because it's a man, it's that isa that is a big one.
That is a big one.
If there's anything you guys aregonna get from this, is how to
handle the storm out of this outof this episode.
Because if you can be that ifyou can masterfully handle that,
then man, you're you're gonna bein good shape.
SPEAKER_02 (21:36):
Okay, so I I love this topic.
And you do.
Yeah, I do.
Well, it's real life too whenyou're experiencing it because
I'm experiencing real life.
Unless, unless I am at, youknow, level nine or ten in
Dallas in that moment, you know,which I'm usually not.
I'm like level six, you know,trying to hold it together when
(21:59):
the woman is throwing the stormat me.
No, no, I don't live in reallife, but I do, I do love the
clarity around it.
And and here's the clarity.
You know, so when women aresaying, I just need to get it
out, I just need to share myfeelings, I don't want you to
try to fix everything.
We wanna we want to listen tothat and take that at face
value.
And and for this to make sense,I'm gonna flip the tables again.
(22:22):
So, men, sexually speaking, wehave a pretty predictable
buildup of sexual energy, andthat sexual energy needs
release.
It it's as simple as that.
You know, we it builds up and wegotta let it out.
It builds up and we gotta let itout.
Women don't really have that.
Women somehow can go dormantsexually, not all women, but a
(22:42):
lot of women can go dormantsexually for years, and it's
just not really a big deal.
They don't have the samebuild-up need and need for
release of the sexual energy theway that men do.
So, so guys, first of all,realize like that's what's
happening on your end, and she'snot feeling that probably the
same way sexually.
(23:04):
Again, we're talking in grossgeneral terms, but that this is
generally speaking like it is.
She, however, understandsbecause we're very verbal about
it, that a man has sexual needsand he needs that release.
Women understand this about men.
SPEAKER_00 (23:19):
Okay, well, and it's another that goes back to the
evolutionary biology, which iswe were designed to spread our
seeds because men are killed atwar and battle and disease, like
all the time.
So that's how we're designed.
That's God's design for us to goout and like have that drive.
So, again, if you don't feelguilty about that, guys, like
(23:39):
no, no, no, not a bad thing.
That is that is a feature tokeep our our species alive.
So I just wanted to throw thatin there because we get so all
this talk, like you talked aboutthe the therapeutic, and I I'm
sorry, don't forget your pointbecause I know you're getting
somewhere, but we get all thistherapeutic talk, and it's just
like, well, why do you want sexso much?
(24:00):
Like, it's because we'redesigned that way.
That's just the way that it'sdesigned, and that's okay, guys.
Just just know, but we haveevolved, we have a
consciousness, we cancommunicate it better.
Anyway, okay, back to yourpoint.
SPEAKER_02 (24:11):
Yeah, just to wrap that up a little bit.
Male sexual energy, you know,women are on cycles, they're
only ready to have sex, youknow, for a short amount of
time.
As a man, you need to be readyto jump on that opportunity when
it presents itself.
And we are the descendants ofthe men that did that.
We we inherited those genes, andit's still inside of us.
Um, also, let me just say thisbecause society paints male
(24:38):
sexual energy as dirty.
We're dogs.
I know men are dogs, male sexualenergy is cheap, it's
expendable, gentlemen, it's not.
Male sexual energy when properlymastered is beautiful.
Full stop, point blank.
Male sexual energy in bed, malesexual energy leading a woman on
a date, male sexual energy byyourself and how you channel it
(25:02):
into areas of your life.
It is a positive, beautifulthing.
Whoever's telling us that menare dogs because they're horny
is is thinking in a very, veryshallow way.
Okay, that's enough about themale energy.
Now, here's the thing women havea similar buildup of their own,
but it's not a it's not a sexualbuildup.
(25:24):
Women have an emotional buildupthat happens over time.
And similarly to men needing therelease sexually, women need the
release emotionally.
Women need to let it out thesame way that guys sexually need
to let it out.
And if you think about yourselfas a guy, after you let it out,
you feel relieved, you feelunwound, you feel better, you
(25:47):
feel regulated, you know, youfeel calm.
Women, it's the same thing.
They have an emotional buildupthat needs to be let out.
Again, speaking in generalizedterms, I'm gonna I'm gonna stop
prefacing at this point.
I think everyone understandswe're speaking in general terms.
There are lots of exceptions.
SPEAKER_03 (26:03):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (26:04):
A woman needs, a woman will build up, build up,
build up emotions that need tobe let out.
And sometimes those emotions arelet out because you're holding
her and she just needs to cry.
Sometimes those emotions need tobe let out because she's being
the the the nurturer, thecaretaker, and she's letting out
(26:24):
her stress.
She's letting out her her whatwhatever it is that's
accumulated inside, she'sletting it out by cooking or you
know, taking care of somebody orsomething like that.
Sometimes that's how it'sregulated.
I know a lot of women cleaninghelps to regulate this.
But probably the biggest, mostcommon category is talking.
(26:45):
Women talk to let out thisemotional buildup.
And if you want to succeed as aman, realize that a woman
needing to talk to you is kindof like her version of hornyness
in a way.
It's it's something that needsto be regulated, it's something
that needs to come out.
And if you take care of that, ityou don't need to be like that
(27:09):
in order to recognize that sheis like that.
And you let you let her releaseand you invite her.
You're like, yeah, come on, tellme more.
Let it out.
I don't want any of this leftinside.
Please.
What else is going on?
And realize you don't, and andand and here's here's the real
crux is when women are sharing,men think that it's about an
(27:29):
external problem.
Most of the time it's not.
She's sharing because she has abuildup and needs to let it out.
So when we realize she's lettingit out, let her let her let her
release it.
Don't try to fix it becausethat's pointing to an external
problem.
You should just be inviting herto continue letting it out.
I see you want to jump in.
So go go right ahead.
SPEAKER_00 (27:50):
Yeah, I just wanted to say her logic brain is
offline when this is happening.
So that's the difference betweenthe so I think for a for an
analogy for guys, her logicbrain is offline when this
starts to happen.
So that's why you need to bejust a rock or a like a
mountain.
Not you don't here's thedifference I described.
(28:11):
You need to be a rock in amountain, like with the wind
blowing, right?
Because her logic brain isoffline and that's all that's
gonna happen, right?
You're not gonna be able to,you're not gonna be able to
communicate, do anything.
You just need to be that rock inthe that mountain in the storm,
but you can't be the leaf, orlike you can't just be blowing,
(28:33):
blown, run away, scared of it.
Like you need to be that thatrock in that because that's what
that's what she's that's whatshe's needing.
SPEAKER_02 (28:44):
Yeah, I I I agree.
I would take it a step furtherand say, you have to invite her.
A rock would just be a solid,you know, passive, you know, uh
monument that's able towithstand, you know, the storm
that's coming at you.
That's not really what shewants.
She doesn't want a guy that justsits there.
(29:04):
She wants a guy, she wants a guythat engages with her in the way
that she wants.
I'm gonna flip this back around.
When you're a man who's hornyand you want to release your
energy, do you want her to be adead fish?
You know, do you want her tojust be a rock, you know, until
you release yourself?
No, you want her involved, youwant her engaged, you want her
to say, baby, bring it on, letit all out.
(29:25):
I want you to have your release.
Okay, flip flip the tables.
As a man, you should be tellingher, baby, I want you to have
your release.
I don't want any of this left inyou.
I want you to spend yourself andlet it all out.
I'm on your side and let it alland let her expel this buildup
that's inside of her.
SPEAKER_00 (29:45):
Right.
And what I'm just yeah, and inthe description of being a rock
means you're not running away.
Whether it's directed towardsyou, whether it's not directed
towards you, you're there andyou're you're not you're not
taking off.
Like you're not hiding from it.
You're just gonna be there,you're gonna be the the the the
emotional rock in this in thisstorm.
(30:05):
But we're and we're not tryingto fix, but we're trying to
translate, right?
So we're not we're we're tryingto to understand what it is.
So that's that feedback.
You're not a rock just sittingthere and like like being dumb,
but you're not but you're notproactively doing what you want
to do, which is trying to fixit, right?
But what you're trying to do istrying to help trying to allow
(30:27):
her to be heard, right?
Which is gonna take like help,like maybe some feedback, like
help me understand this ordescribe to me.
SPEAKER_02 (30:36):
I'm not sure how much we have to understand.
We have to listen, you know, andtake and take it in and collect
it, and maybe we we we hear somenew points and later we can
process it and let let a clearpicture come together.
But I'm not sure we really haveto comprehend what's going on.
Again, let's go back to the.
(30:57):
Yes.
Well, I I would say your firstpriority is to let her dump out
the box of Legos onto the table.
Let her dump it all out.
Do not try, wait, wait, wait, wehave already we've got 12 out.
Let's let's sort these out.
Let her dump the whole dang kitonto the table.
Let her get it out, and and andto your point, be a rock in this
(31:18):
process, meaning don't take itpersonally, don't run away, wait
until all the facts are facts,that's a that's the wrong word.
Wait until all the pieces ofdata are out of her head and
onto the table.
Let those all get out before youtry to sort any of it out.
Because to because to yourpoint, as long as she still
needs to get this out, she's notshe's in a she's in a more
(31:42):
emotional place than in anintellectual and logical place.
And until you let her expel allof those pieces and let her like
get it out, she's she's stillgoing to basically have an
emotional heart on.
I'm sorry, I'm just gonnacontinue with this analogy
because I think it'sappropriate.
When we as a guy are are, youknow, we're we're horny, our
(32:04):
sexual energy is up, you know,and we're in the process of
having sex.
Do we want the woman to ask usto be comprehensible in that
moment?
Like, hell no.
Like we're, you know, and sheknows that.
And she's not asking us, it'slike, well, hang on, you know,
well, what do you mean by this?
It's like, just go with it.
Just go with it, girl.
Let's have fun with this.
Just go with it.
(32:24):
I mean, we're not, we're notentirely sane.
We're emotional or primal orsomething when we're when we're
when we're exercising our uhsexual energy.
It's the exact same on her end.
It's just not sexual, it'semotional.
And when she lets that out, youyou don't want to stop her mid
(32:46):
session, you know, before shegets to the end.
You want to invite her and baby,don't stop here.
You know, I want you to let allthis out onto the table.
And don't take it personally,don't worry about it making
sense.
You know, later when she's whenshe finally gets to the point
and says, Oh, thank you.
You know, and that's your cue,you know.
One and and you're only gonnaget there if to your point you
(33:08):
are not reacting, you're notrunning away, and you're just
being a rock saying, Bring itall out.
I can we can hold all this,yeah, no problem.
Let it all out.
And then she's like, Oh, thankyou for listening.
And you go, Okay, cool.
There's a lot there.
What uh this part this partreally caught my attention when
you said I I I don't lied theother day or I was mansplaining
(33:32):
to you, or whatever it is.
Yo, you you said that it's like,did you did you mean that?
Or was that just kind of youkind of like getting it out, you
know?
SPEAKER_00 (33:39):
Yeah, and and usually my first question is do
you did you just need me tolisten?
Yeah, because if I don't need toget into a conversation, I don't
wanna.
Right?
So sometimes it's you just needto listen, and then I've I've
I've just said, hey, you know,well, thanks for sharing with
me.
I appreciate hearing yourfeelings.
(34:00):
Like, yeah did you did you justneed me to listen, or do you
want to have a conversationabout it?
SPEAKER_02 (34:05):
Well, okay, and and that's true.
And and I think obviously, yes,she wants you to listen.
She wouldn't be talking to youif she didn't want you to
listen.
SPEAKER_00 (34:12):
I yeah, well, did she just want me to listen?
And then we don't have to doanything else.
Like, yeah, sometimes women justneed to get it out, like you
said.
Like sometimes with our sexualenergy, it's gonna be a quickie,
right?
Yeah, we just need a quickie andand do it.
It's not gonna be filled withromance, right?
That's their quickie, theiremotional quickie.
They just needed to get it out,and then you don't need the
(34:33):
conversation and everythingelse, right?
SPEAKER_02 (34:35):
Or it could be a long love-making session that
they're doing where they'rebringing up stuff about their
mom and about other things.
It could be a long one too.
The the point is you want togive her her release the same
way you want her to want you tohave your release.
They just look differently, andand that's that is one of the
services that that you provideas a primary partner.
(34:58):
You're there to help her havethat release.
Now, let me point out somethingreally cool here.
This I had a session with theguys a while back.
We were talking about this.
It came up in actually aone-on-one session I had where
there was a guy asking, why do Ihave to listen to her talk about
all this stuff when she's gotlike a sister and female friends
and like they all listen to her.
(35:19):
Why do I, as a man, have to alsolisten to her?
Good question.
Yeah, it's a really, really goodquestion.
And it got me thinking, and Irealized one, there must be a
reason for it.
Because you know, the fact thatshe's coming to a man who's not
built to listen the way thatwomen do means there must be
something there that she'slooking for.
And I can't, I I I'm notrecalling all of my notes on on
(35:43):
the talk at the moment, but oneof the important ones is women
tend to take on and absorbresponsibilities.
You know, when a woman issharing her stressful situation
with another woman, the otherwoman will tend to absorb it.
And oh, yeah, I know how youfeel.
Oh, that's so horrible when thathappens.
And, you know, and there's a lotof back and forth, there's a lot
(36:03):
of empathizing that happens,feeling each other's feelings.
When she brings it to a man, Ireally don't think she wants a
man to be empathetic with her.
She doesn't want me to suddenlygo, oh, I know how that feels.
Oh, that's so horrible.
And should that that's not arock.
That that is not masculine forme to drop into a fully
empathetic place.
(36:23):
I I honestly believe that whatshe wants in that moment is to
share it with us and for her tosee that we are listening, we're
seeing, she has our attention,and we're not absorbing it.
We're not being empatheticbecause we're modeling for her
something different than her andall of her girlfriends naturally
feel.
We're modeling how to not absorband have and be overrun by
(36:48):
feelings.
We're showing her an example ofa guy that stays clean even when
you splash a bucket of emotionalwater on him.
It just doesn't go in, we don'tget saturated.
SPEAKER_00 (36:59):
The other thing the visual I'm getting when you
describe that is a ship on theocean, right?
Like you are the ship, you arestaying your course, the storm's
going around, the her waves aregoing up and down all over the
place, but you're still holdingcourse, you're still going, and
you're still steady, and you'restill floating, right?
(37:19):
Yeah, you don't become waterwhen she starts talking to you.
SPEAKER_02 (37:23):
Other women do that, and she gets that from other
women and she needs that.
What she needs from you is foryou to not become water.
She still wants your attention,she wants you to listen, she
wants all of that in place.
She wants all of that, but shewants you to also demonstrate
that you can maintain clarityand structure even when all this
water is splashing onto you.
(37:44):
Okay, there's another elementthough that I really believe
that women want to see, and thisspeaks to the the instinct in
men to try to problem solve.
So when she's sharing with herwith her girlfriends and her
sisters and her mom and herdaughters all the stuff that's
going on, and they're allempathizing and feeling, it's
(38:05):
all about validating thefeelings.
It's all about feeling thefeelings with each other so we
all know it's okay to feel thesefeelings.
That that's being in thefeminine space.
And the priority of solving theproblem is a lot lowered down.
It's it's a much lower priorityto actually solve any of this.
As a man, our priority, youknow, one of our top priorities
(38:26):
is to solve problems.
And thank goodness we are,because because the humans
probably wouldn't have survived,you know, as long as we have if
we we hadn't been wired forproblem solving.
Okay, so here's the thing, andthis this is this is really
subtle.
When a woman presents problemsto us, she doesn't want us to
immediately solve those problemsor even suggest things to solve
(38:50):
it.
She wants to be able to get itout and regulate herself so
she's not storing it up inside.
But when she shares that infront of a man who can solve
these problems, if he was calledon to do so, laying that in
front of that guy and to seethat that guy, and you know just
from looking at that man that hecould fix it in, you know, in in
(39:13):
in two minutes if he had to.
Her her sharing that in front ofa problem solver, but that is
not in it is not yet takenaction in solving the problem,
that is a huge part of herregulating herself.
She's laying all this out, andshe can see that her man is cue
is as cool as a cucumber.
(39:34):
He knows exactly what to do, andhe doesn't need to step in and
start fixing anything in thatmoment.
He's gonna wait until it's timeto do that.
And that's after she's dumped itall out and gotten it out there.
SPEAKER_03 (39:47):
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (39:48):
Yeah.
One more thing that I I justwant to point this out, and and
this this speaks to theproblem-solving thing is the boy
brain is seeing a woman that'supset, thinking, Oh my god, I
gotta fix this.
This is this is bad.
Okay.
One, when we try to fix it,we're we're trying to reverse
the flow.
She's sharing, she's dumpingthings out, and we're trying to
(40:10):
fix it.
And that's like trying to likeshove the toothpaste back into
the toothpaste tube.
Like it doesn't work.
You have to just let it's a oneway direction.
You let it out.
Once once that has happened, ohshoot, I lost my train of
thought.
Dang it.
SPEAKER_00 (40:24):
Well, let me ask you this, though, because that's
really incredibly confusing.
Right?
Because what you did what youdescribed at before earlier, our
natural, their natural tendencyis completely opposite of what
our natural.
Tendency is.
And this is like the whole menare from Mars, women are from
Venus, John Gray the thing, andcommunicating and and and
(40:46):
whatnot.
So it goes completely againstwhat we what we automatically
want to do.
So now that we know, okay, well,we're the ship, we need to just
weather the storm, we need tocreate the the ability to
listen, we need to keep ourcourse, we need to keep our
cool, even if it's directed atus about something, then at what
(41:10):
point in particular, if thisbecomes something where there's
accusations, or I didn't likethis or didn't like that.
When then you know how do weknow when their logic mind is
then back online?
Right?
When that prefrontal cortex fitis working, and then we can
start with say nonviolentcommunication of hey, you said
(41:33):
X, I'm mansplaining to you.
SPEAKER_03 (41:35):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_00 (41:36):
I understand that that upsets you.
Can you describe to me on timewhen I like when do you know
that?
And then what is the process forthen communicating about that?
SPEAKER_02 (41:47):
Okay, gotcha.
Excellent question.
Excellent question.
So the frequency of words, youknow, the rush of information
coming out of their mouths dropsdown, drops down.
That means there's less left tocome out.
There's there's less pr waterpressure behind the words, like
pushing them out.
But as a guy, don't think thatthat means that everything has
(42:09):
been gotten out.
You want to invite her.
Is there more?
Please tell me more.
I would love to hear more.
Thank you for sharing all thiswith me.
Thank you for trusting me andputting this out here.
Thank you for telling me thatyou thought I was manslaining.
Is there more?
You want to encourage and inviteher to get it all out.
When you're in when you'reinviting that way, she will tell
(42:29):
you, no, that's it.
You know, and the words willstop, it'll come to an end, and
it'll and and when that happens,you will see that she has
become, she has re-regulated.
She and and you didn't have todo anything.
She regulated herself throughthe act of sharing, the same way
that a man regulates his ownsexual energy through the act of
(42:52):
having sex.
We brought ourselves back to abalanced, regulated, calm place
by having sex.
A woman will regulate herself.
And this is the thing that wedon't have to fix.
We don't have to regulate her.
She will regulate herself by herown nature just through the
sharing.
Now, back go back to yourquestion.
SPEAKER_00 (43:12):
Well, let's be clear too.
And this isn't like, Are youdone yet?
No, it's like you're invitingher.
You want inviting right, right,right.
SPEAKER_02 (43:20):
This isn't like looking at your watch, like,
okay, did you imagine it allout?
Imagine a woman that did that toyou when you're having sex.
How would you feel?
If a woman said, Are you doneyet?
If a woman said, Are are we?
It's been 10 minutes.
Like when I mean, she'sobviously doesn't want to be in
bed with you.
Guys, it's exactly the same.
This is her version of release.
(43:42):
I'm again that there is athere's a very clear thing.
If you're looking at yourheart's going, really, you know,
are you done?
Can't you do this with somebodyelse?
Can't you do this by yourself?
That's like that's like yourpartner saying, Well, can't you
just masturbate rather than havesex with me?
Guys, yeah, like this is asimportant to her as sex is to
you.
That's that's that's the bigtakeaway here.
Okay, now I want to come back toyour question of bringing up
(44:05):
stuff that she brought out.
So once we gotten to the end,you're listening, you're
encouraging her, and you can seeshe's regulated, and there's a
big sigh, you know, things arecalmer, and you can go, okay.
Now if she now, if she wastalking about problems in her
life, that would be where I ask.
So do you, you know, do youwant, am I just listening right
(44:25):
now, or do you want me to speakinto any of these things?
But realize we're talking aboutissues that she that are in her
life with her and other people,not your territory.
She's an independent grownwoman.
She she decides whether or notshe wants you speaking in.
Maybe she does, maybe shedoesn't.
And you can ask there.
Okay, so that's some of the someof the Lego pieces that were
(44:46):
dumped out on the table.
All right, but there were someother Lego pieces like Dallas,
you were manslinging to me, oryou know, this other night, you
know, you totally, you know,ignored me when you made this
comment.
Or, you know, there were piecesthat came out that are very
relevant to me as a man.
I did my job of not reacting,not running away, not shutting
(45:08):
down while she was sharing.
That was my job so that we sothat she can get it all out and
we can see what we're dealingwith.
Okay, now I'm gonna I'm gonnalook and sort through all these
pieces and I'm gonna ask myself,which one of these is the most
important for me to know about?
We're not gonna go, okay, well,now I'm gonna spew five or six
(45:30):
or twelve back at you, and Ineed you to answer all of them.
We're men, we're not, we don'tspew like that.
We prioritize, you know, we weproblem solve.
And I'm gonna look at whicheverone of these that I feel is the
biggest red flag in me.
That and I need to know, did youmean this?
Or what part of this did youmean?
But notice here that I'm askingfor myself and not for her.
(45:54):
You know, so if it was, youknow, so yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (45:57):
Can I can I make a quick point?
If you feel emotionally chargedby anything that was said, wait
to have this conversation.
Like do right, like they don'tbecause what you just said, like
don't start coming back withstuff whether you did this, dah
dah, dah, right?
That's not helping.
That will not help.
So if that's what if that's whatyour initial reaction is, if you
feel emotionally charged, ifyou're get angry about what she
(46:20):
said or sad or hurt, like takethe time and whatever that time
is, maybe it's you step away fora few minutes, maybe it's you go
back to it the next day, butdon't have the conversation in
an emotionally charged.
You again, cool as a cucumber,you gotta be steady, you gotta
be rocky, you gotta be able tohave this conversation at a
maybe normal tone, yeah, be ableto create the emotional safety
(46:43):
and security to be able then toaddress what she what she
emoted.
SPEAKER_02 (46:47):
Yeah.
So, and there's two things thatare gonna cause your blood to go
up, you know, for you to getheated inside.
One is your own past and you'rereacting because somebody struck
a nerf with you.
You do not want to be speakingfrom a reactive place.
You want to find your baselineinside yourself again and speak
from your baseline where you'recalm and clear-minded.
(47:09):
You don't want to be in anemotional place because that
doesn't help with the clarity.
The second thing is the way thatshe shared something could have
been very accusatory.
It could have been, you know, ayou know, a very strong word,
like calling you a liar.
And it could really, you know,it might not be something that
that you necessarily aretriggered by.
It might not be your past, butshe could be, you know,
(47:32):
weaponizing her feelings and andthrowing daggers at you.
She might be doing that.
And here's the thing to rememberin those situations, and you
know, to and this is this wouldbe like one of the most
important elements totransforming a man transforming
himself into a rock.
Is, and this is the thing I askis I would say, does a confident
(47:54):
person behave the way she isbehaving right now?
Would a confident person say itthat way?
And the answer is always no,they wouldn't.
Confident people don't have tothrow daggers at people, they
don't have to attack people.
They're they're confident.
They they there's no need forit.
So when we realize that the wayshe's saying this is coming from
a place where she's notconfident, that means that
(48:16):
behind it there is a hurt girl,there's there's some there's a
there's a little girl that'swounded, there's somebody that
feels insecure, they're worriedabout something, there's
something you know coming out.
And so then when I ask, so thisthing, when you told me that I
was mansplaining, what uh youknow, what did you mean by that?
Realize that if it feels like itwas weaponized towards you, it's
(48:39):
because she felt that she hadto, not because of you, but that
she's not confident enough tosay it in a in a non-attacking
way.
And when and when we're saying,hey, can you tell me more about
this?
That's asking her to unpack it,you know, pull the knife out of
your chest and and and transformit into, well, really what it is
(48:59):
is I feel really worried whenyou do this or you forget to do
that.
It makes me feel like maybe youdon't love me anymore, and then
I think you're gonna leave me.
And you know, and then we getthe real story behind the
accusation.
The trick though is when you'rewhen you're when a woman is, you
know, when her blood is up andshe's in the middle of the act,
you know, it's it can, you know,it's kind of like a man in the
(49:21):
middle of his sexual act.
You look different, you know,you're wrapped up in it.
There's a lot of energy.
Well, check in afterwards andgo, okay, so where so where was
that?
You know, what what what wasthat really about?
SPEAKER_00 (49:35):
Yeah.
Give her the opportunity toshare.
Well, and that's so, and that isthe crux of the original
question, right?
It's um it's until you get tothe point where the emo the
emoting's done or the sharing orwhatever is done, you can't have
any productive conversationabout any part of it, right?
(49:55):
So everything we've described upto here is what you got to do,
and is your responsibility asthe the the guy in this in order
to bring this to some sort of prproductive outcome, right?
Because they don't know.
And and and and so they don'tknow what they're doing.
Like they don't know whenthey're doing that.
(50:16):
Just like you might not, hey,it's maybe a little bit more
straightforward, but you youdon't you know you're horny, but
like you don't know what you'redoing when you're horny, right?
Like your mind kind of shutsoff, right?
That's when they talk about youryour other head making decisions
for you, right?
It's the same thing for them.
They're like they're our otherheads thinking when we're horny.
(50:36):
For them, it's their theiremotional head, their heart
exactly.
Their emotional head is is doingit, and then once you get
through all that, then you canstart having the productive
conversation, the nonviolentcommunication where you're
asking, like what you describethe specifics about tell me more
about that.
What is that feeling that'scomes up?
(50:57):
What is behind that?
What is it that you're needingfrom me?
Can we agree on what how to goforward on all this?
And then it can then actually,guys, I tell you what, like you
described it, it can turn reallysexy really fast when they start
when they feel emotionally safewith you, when you've in a
roundabout way help them solvetheir problem, which is what you
(51:20):
do, and then they're like, Whoa,this is oh yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (51:26):
Once once that woman has shared the emotions and they
are out and she's regulated andshe feels light-hearted,
light-hearted women tend to feelhorny, and suddenly she's in the
mood, and then she's feelingreally grateful.
She's like, Oh man, I've gotthis great man who listens to
me.
He didn't interrupt me, hedidn't react, he didn't run
away, he didn't shut down likeevery other man I've been in a
(51:46):
relationship with.
Oh my god, I really want to havesex with him now.
That that will tend to be it.
And and to come back to it,Robin Williams had this had this
great line in one of hisstand-up routines.
I think it was live on Broadway.
At the very end, he says, he'slike, and then I realized that
God gave man a brain and apenis, but only enough blood to
run one at a time.
(52:09):
And I feel like that's entirelytrue.
It's like God gave woman a brainand I don't know, an emotion
basket, but only enough blood torun one at a time.
SPEAKER_03 (52:19):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (52:19):
Guides, let her do it the same, and and don't just
let her invite her to do it thesame way that you don't want her
to let you have sex with her andask you when you're gonna be
done.
You want her to invite you andwant to have sex with her, and
then say, you know, I I I lovethis.
And and I believe, I believethat as we as we start to
understand our role functionallyand how we provide a genuine
(52:43):
emotional service, an emotionalregulation service to our woman,
it gets easier and and it almostbecomes beautiful and it becomes
like a wild ride, the same waysex can be a wild ride.
The emotional regulation of thewoman can become a wild ride
because you're not taking itpersonally anymore.
You realize where it's reallycoming from.
SPEAKER_00 (53:02):
Man, I like that uh that analogy.
I think we should end it rightthere.
We've got all of these partsgoing and just enough blood to
run only half of them.
That's that's uh that'sexcellent.
Dallas, this was this wasterrific, guys.
I hope that you found somevalue.
This is one, again, like I saidin the beginning, for me, it's
(53:24):
like been an issue all the timewhen I when I hear this.
So I I hope it brings a couplethings.
Just some solace in knowingthat, hey, this is a learning
process for you guys for you.
Just like it was for Dallas, forme, for for all of us.
And if we just approach this ina compassionate manner as men,
hopefully the women that thatwe're that we're in relation
(53:45):
with are are approaching it froma compassionate manner as well.
If we just have more compassionaround the evolving uh way in
which we're we're relating now,it's just gonna be so much
better.
So, Dallas, where where can guysget a hold of you to to to get
more information on how toutilize and and implement these
(54:06):
pearls of wisdoms that you sharewith us every week?
SPEAKER_02 (54:09):
Jump on over to blackboxstating.com.
You can check out the men'scoaching program.
You can also find my socialmedia feeds where I've got lots
of videos being posted all thetime.
Really, though, go over to thelet's see, you know the website,
I don't.
Get on get on the mailing listso that you can be invited to
the live Q ⁇ A session.
That would really be the coolestplace for me to meet you and and
(54:31):
for us to to bring up more ofthese questions and topics and
really dive into it.
That's that's the best place.
And we're doing it pretty muchonce a month.
SPEAKER_00 (54:38):
Yeah, yep, and that's at the the the
divorcedadvocate.com uh at theevents page, uh on the main
page, you just click on join themailing list, and you will get
uh all the all the the goodstuff that that we've got going
on in the community.
And if you found some value inwhat you heard today, please
share it far and wide uh far andwide on social media.
(55:00):
Give us a star rating, leave acomment, that helps as well.
So, Dallas, always a pleasure.
We will talk next week.
SPEAKER_02 (55:08):
Wonderful, Jude.
Talk to you next week.
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