February 12, 2024 • 23 mins
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(00:00):
Welcome back to Vanishing Shadows. Ifyou want to listen to the entire part
two of this season, subscribe onApple Podcast and get the entirety of part
two. In the last episode,when your mom want you to be safe
and happy, Jesse pressed. Myvoice was soft but curious. How an
(00:22):
accidental drowning. He propped himself upon an elbow. Bodies disappear all the
time off the coast. Up herethere are rips, dead head logs that
would smash a person to pieces.Sharks suicide, I countered. I want
Benjamin to think he drove me toit. I want him to be shamed.
(00:45):
Sure, Jesse's golden eyes were unreadable. That'll work. My throat closed
with emotion, gratitude, hope,love. Can we really do this?
I want to be with you morethan anything, Hazel. He reached out
cupp to my chin with his strongfingers. I'll make it happen. Remember
(01:11):
to follow daily bedtime tales if youwant to keep enjoying these stories. We
picked a date a Tuesday in earlyApril. I would take off on my
early morning run as usual. OnceI was past the security sentry, I
would head down to a secluded beachand enter the chilly water. Jesse's friend
(01:32):
had a boat he could borrow.He'd scoop me up and give me dry
clothes, a blanket and hot tea. We'd cruise north Dock in Bellingham and
then head to the airport. Jessehad bought us plane tickets to Panama City
with a stop in Dallas. Benjaminwould never find me there. I'll get
(01:53):
you a fake passport, Jesse offered, how dark Web it sounded unfazed,
like he was comfortable in that murkyunderworld. I just need your headshot.
He was taking care of everything,taking care of me. Not since I
was a little girl had I feltthat kind of security. There was only
(02:16):
one thing he asked me for.Can you get money? Jesse asked,
I have some, but a littleextra would help. Naturally, Benjamin controlled
my bank accounts and credit cards,but there were valuable items in the house
that could be sold or ponnd anda safe in his study that I could
(02:38):
probably get into if I put mymind to it. But all I wanted
was to be with Jesse and tobe free. Maybe I was unrealistic,
overly romantic, but I didn't wantBenjamin's money tainting or fresh start, and
my greed had impacted my choices fortoo long, so I told him no,
(03:00):
it's too risky. I don't wantto do anything to tip Benjamin off.
Jesse's face darkened, but only fora second. I'll get a job
in Panama, I promised, andwhen I've saved a bit of cash,
I'll open my own bakery. It'salways been my dream. Sure, he
(03:22):
said, We'll be fine. Ikissed him, will be amazing. When
I was alone in my bathroom,one of the only rooms in the house
without a camera, I wrote asuicide note Benjamin. To say you have
made my life hell for the pastsix years would be an understatement. I
(03:44):
can see no way out and noway forward. Your cruelty and abuse have
driven me to this. I can'tlive another day as your slave. Goodbye,
Hazel. My husband would be inrape. It was the ultimate betrayal,
the ultimate humiliation, and the ultimateloss of control. The weather was
(04:11):
mild that morning, but as Islipped out of bed and into my running
gear, I was shivering. Benjaminslept deeply, soundly, rising at seven.
He wouldn't hear me leave, andif he did, he wouldn't suspect
anything. I was just going formy morning jog as usual, but I
couldn't stop trembling as I placed thenote in the drawer of the tea Cresenza.
(04:35):
I couldn't have him find it untilI was long gone. I had
jogged past the battered Toyota the lastcouple of mornings, assuming it was abandoned,
stolen. Maybe I didn't see anyonein it, didn't notice the reclined
seat. Naturally, I wasn't payingit much attention that morning. My head
(04:56):
was reeling with nerves and excitement,with the promise freedom, a life with
the man I loved. On thebeach, I was suddenly overcome with emotion.
A jagged sob ripped through me,and I realized I was crying.
I was leaving my mom behind forever, even though my visits were rare,
(05:18):
even though she no longer recognized me, she was still my mom, and
the person I loved was still inthere somewhere, trapped by the horrible disease.
But I had to say goodbye toher forever. I'm sorry, I
said out loud, and then Iwalked into the water. It was even
(05:43):
colder than I'd expected, but Iwouldn't be in it for long. I
just had to walk out to theend of the sandbar and swim a few
yards so that Jesse could collect me. I'd suggested leaving my jacket on the
beach, tossing a shoe into theocean before he picked me up in a
car and drove me to the marina, but that was too risky. Jesse
said people could see us, andhe couldn't beach the boat here because of
(06:09):
the sandbar. So I would go, fully clothed, into the Pacific,
A tragic figure. This had tolook real. My legs were numb and
my teeth were chattering, but Idove into the water, kicking and clawing
my way forward. Hypothermia could setin quickly, but Jesse would be there
(06:31):
with blankets and tea. He wouldrescue me, warm me, whisk me
away. I felt weak, mystrokes barely moving me against the current.
I was a decent swimmer, butthe cold water and the weight of my
clothes were dragging me down deeper,my head slipping under. Where was the
(06:51):
boat? Why wasn't Jesse coming blindpanic gripped me for several seconds, followed
by an overwhelming weariness. It wouldbe so easy to stop fighting, to
just let go, to allow myselfto sleep, to finally rest. And
(07:13):
then a hand dragged me to thesurface. Where were you, I asked,
my voice choked with emotion. Iwas five minutes late, Jesse said,
drying my tears with his thumbs.Maybe ten. My friend didn't get
to the marina on time. Icould have drowned. You didn't, Thank
(07:38):
god. He pulled me close,kissed the top of my head. But
this woman has fucked up everything.We ran his apartment, where we'd plotted
our escape. I rested my headagainst his chest, curled my feet beneath
me on the charcoal sofa. Wecan try again. Jesse didn't respond for
(08:01):
a moment. Who was she?He said, what does she know?
She's nobody, She's homeless, livingin her car. But my voice sounded
reedy. Was Benjamin on to me? Had he planted that woman near the
beach to thwart my plan? I'djogged home after torn up the suicide note
(08:24):
and flushed it down the toilet.Then I'd thrown my wet clothes in the
washer and jumped in the shower.When I emerged, I made my husband
breakfast as usual, and then Imet Jesse at the gem as if nothing
had happened. But I'd learned notto underestimate my husband. I don't want
(08:45):
to try again until we know whothat bitch is. Jesse's tone was angry,
and rightfully so. We'd be inBellingham by now, headed for the
airport if not for that woman.Still, I winced inwardly at the masta
agynistic term. So what did youtell her? Jesse continued, what did
you talk about? I extracted myselffrom his embrace. Nothing. My cheeks
(09:13):
were hot, and I hoped hedidn't notice. I basically told her she
should have minded her own business.My memory of the encounter was hazy,
but I'd felt comfortable with the womanwho'd saved my life, comfortable enough to
drink her whiskey, to sit withher under her sleeping bag, to open
up to her about my abuse ofmarriage just a little, though I hadn't
(09:37):
told her too much. Go seeher tomorrow, Jesse said, find out
what you can. Okay, helooked at his watch. We need to
get back to the gym. Soon. His hands reached for my hips,
pulled me toward him. I didn'twant to have sex. I still felt
(09:58):
shaky and fragile and heightened. ButI knew my boyfriend had a high sex
drive, and I'd been programmed toplease men, so I let him slide
my tights off, allowed him tolay me back on the sofa and enter
me. His physical proximity calmed mesomewhat, and I buried my face in
(10:18):
his neck because I needed to beclose to him, and I needed him
to want me. My whole futuredepended on him. A gift seemed the
most obvious reason for me to returnto the scene of my near drowning.
I would thank the woman for savingmy life, tell her I'd reconsidered ending
(10:41):
it, and then I would findout why she was really sleeping in the
park at the end of my street. Our home was filled with expensive objay
dah, but I had to choosesomething that wouldn't be missed. The living
room pieces were curated and expensive,so they were out of the question.
But Benjamin's study was chalk full ofbooks and trinkets. At the back of
(11:05):
a lower shelf, dusty from beingignored by our weekly cleaner, was his
collection of nutskes. I scanned theancient Japanese figurines and found the appropriate one,
A coiled snake. Intricate scales hadbeen carved into the smooth bone,
two sharp, precise fangs. Ifthe woman's presence in the park was benign,
(11:31):
she could sell this for five hundredbucks, maybe more. If she
was working for my husband. Thegift was symbolic. I was on to
her, and I would strike Thatmorning. I tiptoed into the kitchen and
packed his simple breakfast for her,a roll i'd baked, filled with peanut
butter and honey, a crisp redapple. I placed them in my backpack,
(11:56):
next to the nutscae. Then Islipped out the door and jogged the
park. She was asleep when Iarrived, her seat reclined, her brow
troubled even in slumber. I observedher for a moment, taking in the
bottle of whiskey and the console andthe large knife across her lap. It
(12:16):
was clear, beyond a doubt thather presence here was entirely innocent. This
woman was vulnerable and afraid. Shewasn't working for my husband. She wasn't
here to spy on me. Ialmost turned and left, continued my jog,
but something empathy, pity propelled meforward. I tapped on the window,
(12:41):
watched her startle awake, groping forher knife. My heart twisted in
my chest. We sat on thatsoft gray log and watched the sunrise.
She ate the bun i'd brought herlike it was eggs benedict with smoked salmon
and caviar, savoring each bite.I tried to engage her in conversation,
(13:01):
but she was circumspect. To fillthe void, I told her even more
about my marriage to Benjamin. Mysecrets had piled up, festering inside me,
and this woman wouldn't judge me.She had fallen farther than I had.
When I saw Jesse, I relayedwhat i'd learned. Her name is
(13:22):
Lee. She went broke during thepandemic. She's homeless, and she's scared.
She drinks herself to sleep each nightwith a knife in her lap.
It wasn't much, admittedly, butit was enough. We don't have to
worry about her, I assured him. We can reschedule our escape. Okay,
(13:43):
he said, but I heard thedoubt in his voice. I'll see
when I can get the boat.That should have been the last I saw
of Lee, but it wasn't.She was stuck in my mind like a
song, and nothing i'd could dislodgeher. I felt sorry for her,
of course, but there was somethingmore, a sort of kinship. Because
(14:09):
none of my friendships were real,all forced upon me by my husband.
I played a part with everyone inmy life, even Jesse, But with
Lee I could be open. Icould just be Hazel. I jogged to
her car with a buttery croissant inmy backpack and found her shivering and sick,
(14:31):
really sick. She probably needed adoctor, but she obviously didn't have
health insurance. And when she saidthat she had to go to work that
she couldn't afford to take a sickday, my chest hurt. This was
life for so many people. Despitemy toxic marriage, I was privileged.
(14:52):
I promised to return with medicine andtea, because her illness was my fault.
After my fridgid dip in the ocean, gone home to a hot shower
and dry clothes, Lee had satchilled in her car, her immunity lowered
and she had picked up a virussomewhere. With an exhilarating sense of purpose,
(15:13):
I sprinted back home, ensuring Ireturned suitably, sweaty and out of
breath. When Benjamin emerged fresh fromthe shower, I greeted him brightly.
Morning Chief, Good morning. Hewas in a crisp white shirt and light
gray pants, his suit jacket slungover his arm. I want eggs.
(15:35):
You'll have two slices of toast,yes, Chief. In the kitchen,
I prepared his scrambled eggs the Frenchway, stirring constantly with a pat of
butter. Benjamin was on his laptopat the breakfast bar, but we didn't
chat. The silence had less todo with our MS agreement and more to
(15:56):
do with his disinterest in me.Blame him. My universe had dwindled over
our years together, and I hadlittle, if anything, of interest to
contribute. When I sat the platein front of him, he spoke,
I'm worried about you me eh.My voice was tight. Why I think
(16:22):
you have an exercise addiction. Idon't, I said, breezily. I
just like to stay in shape foryou. His gray eyes appraised me over
a fork full of eggs. You'vegotten too thin again, you know I
don't like it. I'm going tobuild up my lower body, I said,
(16:42):
get more muscle on my thighs,and booty. You can go to
the gym for one hour from nowon, not two. I couldn't question
his dictate. That was our agreement. I followed his rules or there were
re percussions. But one hour wasnot long enough for me to sneak out
(17:03):
the back and go to Jesse's apartment. We would barely arrive when we'd have
to turn around again. I worriedthat Benjamin knew about the affair, but
passive aggressive punishment was not his style. If he knew I was cheating on
him, I would feel it.David Vegas's wife is planning a breast cancer
(17:25):
gala. I told him you'd helpout of course, I said, though
I already had a charity case.May I go to the drug store today?
I need some vitamins and a fewtoiletries. You may, He swallowed
the last forkful of eggs. Youneed to find a way to contribute to
(17:48):
society, Hazel. It's embarrassing tohave a wife who does nothing but jog
and lift weights. My face felthot with humiliation. Though I should have
been you to it by now.What about your little bakery idea? I
told him my dream in the earlystages of our relationship. When I thought
(18:10):
he was kind and nurturing, itresurfaced on occasion as a way to demean
me and my puny goals. You'reobviously not an entrepreneur, he slid his
empty plate toward me. But youcould design a menu, decorate the place.
It would give you some profile atleast, and then I'll find someone
(18:34):
to run it. Thank you,Chief. Do some sketches, look into
some locations, and call Venessa Vega, he said, standing, she's expecting
to hear from you later. Idrove to Walgreens, then to the deli
(18:56):
for soup and tea, and returnedto Lee. She was weak, but
I dosed her with medicine and fedher. Something about her miserable state brought
out a maternal side I hadn't knownexisted. I'd purchased a few cosmetics for
her. When you look good,you feel good, and I applied them
gently. She relaxed under my touch. I knew she lived in a constant
(19:22):
state of fear and anxiety, evenmore than I did. When I finished
the makeover, Lee didn't look sickanymore. She looked beautiful, my chest
warm from my good deed. Ireturned home. I tried a few half
hearted sketches for the bakery, butthere was no point. It had been
(19:44):
my dream, but not the wayBenjamin was controlling it, and it would
never happen. My escape was imminent, with Benjamin cracking down on my gem
time, Jesse and I needed toleave soon. Finally, I gave up
and seasoned the steaks that my husbandhad demanded for supper. I made a
(20:06):
salad with fresh tomatoes and barratta,and dressed in the figure hugging jumpsuit he'd
instructed me to wear. At seveno'clock, my husband returned from the office.
While he went to change, Ipoured him a glass of Cabernet savignon
that I'd been decanting for an hour. At seven fifteen, I set his
steak and salad before him. Hecut into the ribbi, revealing the perfect
(20:33):
medium, rare pink. How wasyour day, I asked, my eyes
on the plump tomato on my fork. It was fine. He chewed the
steak. Did you call venasovega?The fork slipped in my hand, but
I caught it before it clattered onthe edge of the plate. I'd completely
(20:55):
forgotten about the breast cancer gala.I I didn't. Why not? I
thought I was supposed to call hertomorrow. I told you to call her
to day. It was a busyday. I guess it slipped my mind.
He set his utensils down gently,without noise, and finished chewing before
(21:18):
he spoke. My heart beat filledthe silence. I knew what was coming.
You had a busy day, heasked, rhetorically. What did you
do. I went to the drugstore, eh, and I did some
sketches for the bakery. His angerwas there, bubbling under the facade of
(21:42):
calm. He'd made a simple demandand I had disregarded it. How could
it slip your mind, Hazel?Your mind is completely empty. It's a
void, a vacuum, just likeyour zombie of a mother. The words
were cruel enough on their own,but I knew there was more abuse to
(22:04):
come. If we were in atrue BDSM relationship, the repercussions would have
been agreed upon in advance. ThatBenjamin was not a dominant. He was
a bully, a manipulator, anabuser. Go to the room, but
the steak, I said weakly.His plate flew at me, the cutlery
(22:30):
clattering to the table. I broughtmy forearm up to protect myself, the
plate glancing off at sharply. Thebloody piece of meat landed in my lap.
Go He roared, I stood andstumbled obediently down the stairs. Follow
daily bedtime tales now and never missa heartbeat of this captivating tale. Districts
(23:02):
dictutate the Didact
Welcome back to Vanishing Shadows. Ifyou want to listen to the entire part
two of this season, subscribe onApple Podcast and get the entirety of part
two. In the last episode,when your mom want you to be safe
and happy, Jesse pressed. Myvoice was soft but curious. How an
(00:22):
accidental drowning. He propped himself upon an elbow. Bodies disappear all the
time off the coast. Up herethere are rips, dead head logs that
would smash a person to pieces.Sharks suicide, I countered. I want
Benjamin to think he drove me toit. I want him to be shamed.
(00:45):
Sure, Jesse's golden eyes were unreadable. That'll work. My throat closed
with emotion, gratitude, hope,love. Can we really do this?
I want to be with you morethan anything, Hazel. He reached out
cupp to my chin with his strongfingers. I'll make it happen. Remember
(01:11):
to follow daily bedtime tales if youwant to keep enjoying these stories. We
picked a date a Tuesday in earlyApril. I would take off on my
early morning run as usual. OnceI was past the security sentry, I
would head down to a secluded beachand enter the chilly water. Jesse's friend
(01:32):
had a boat he could borrow.He'd scoop me up and give me dry
clothes, a blanket and hot tea. We'd cruise north Dock in Bellingham and
then head to the airport. Jessehad bought us plane tickets to Panama City
with a stop in Dallas. Benjaminwould never find me there. I'll get
(01:53):
you a fake passport, Jesse offered, how dark Web it sounded unfazed,
like he was comfortable in that murkyunderworld. I just need your headshot.
He was taking care of everything,taking care of me. Not since I
was a little girl had I feltthat kind of security. There was only
(02:16):
one thing he asked me for.Can you get money? Jesse asked,
I have some, but a littleextra would help. Naturally, Benjamin controlled
my bank accounts and credit cards,but there were valuable items in the house
that could be sold or ponnd anda safe in his study that I could
(02:38):
probably get into if I put mymind to it. But all I wanted
was to be with Jesse and tobe free. Maybe I was unrealistic,
overly romantic, but I didn't wantBenjamin's money tainting or fresh start, and
my greed had impacted my choices fortoo long, so I told him no,
(03:00):
it's too risky. I don't wantto do anything to tip Benjamin off.
Jesse's face darkened, but only fora second. I'll get a job
in Panama, I promised, andwhen I've saved a bit of cash,
I'll open my own bakery. It'salways been my dream. Sure, he
(03:22):
said, We'll be fine. Ikissed him, will be amazing. When
I was alone in my bathroom,one of the only rooms in the house
without a camera, I wrote asuicide note Benjamin. To say you have
made my life hell for the pastsix years would be an understatement. I
(03:44):
can see no way out and noway forward. Your cruelty and abuse have
driven me to this. I can'tlive another day as your slave. Goodbye,
Hazel. My husband would be inrape. It was the ultimate betrayal,
the ultimate humiliation, and the ultimateloss of control. The weather was
(04:11):
mild that morning, but as Islipped out of bed and into my running
gear, I was shivering. Benjaminslept deeply, soundly, rising at seven.
He wouldn't hear me leave, andif he did, he wouldn't suspect
anything. I was just going formy morning jog as usual, but I
couldn't stop trembling as I placed thenote in the drawer of the tea Cresenza.
(04:35):
I couldn't have him find it untilI was long gone. I had
jogged past the battered Toyota the lastcouple of mornings, assuming it was abandoned,
stolen. Maybe I didn't see anyonein it, didn't notice the reclined
seat. Naturally, I wasn't payingit much attention that morning. My head
(04:56):
was reeling with nerves and excitement,with the promise freedom, a life with
the man I loved. On thebeach, I was suddenly overcome with emotion.
A jagged sob ripped through me,and I realized I was crying.
I was leaving my mom behind forever, even though my visits were rare,
(05:18):
even though she no longer recognized me, she was still my mom, and
the person I loved was still inthere somewhere, trapped by the horrible disease.
But I had to say goodbye toher forever. I'm sorry, I
said out loud, and then Iwalked into the water. It was even
(05:43):
colder than I'd expected, but Iwouldn't be in it for long. I
just had to walk out to theend of the sandbar and swim a few
yards so that Jesse could collect me. I'd suggested leaving my jacket on the
beach, tossing a shoe into theocean before he picked me up in a
car and drove me to the marina, but that was too risky. Jesse
said people could see us, andhe couldn't beach the boat here because of
(06:09):
the sandbar. So I would go, fully clothed, into the Pacific,
A tragic figure. This had tolook real. My legs were numb and
my teeth were chattering, but Idove into the water, kicking and clawing
my way forward. Hypothermia could setin quickly, but Jesse would be there
(06:31):
with blankets and tea. He wouldrescue me, warm me, whisk me
away. I felt weak, mystrokes barely moving me against the current.
I was a decent swimmer, butthe cold water and the weight of my
clothes were dragging me down deeper,my head slipping under. Where was the
(06:51):
boat? Why wasn't Jesse coming blindpanic gripped me for several seconds, followed
by an overwhelming weariness. It wouldbe so easy to stop fighting, to
just let go, to allow myselfto sleep, to finally rest. And
(07:13):
then a hand dragged me to thesurface. Where were you, I asked,
my voice choked with emotion. Iwas five minutes late, Jesse said,
drying my tears with his thumbs.Maybe ten. My friend didn't get
to the marina on time. Icould have drowned. You didn't, Thank
(07:38):
god. He pulled me close,kissed the top of my head. But
this woman has fucked up everything.We ran his apartment, where we'd plotted
our escape. I rested my headagainst his chest, curled my feet beneath
me on the charcoal sofa. Wecan try again. Jesse didn't respond for
(08:01):
a moment. Who was she?He said, what does she know?
She's nobody, She's homeless, livingin her car. But my voice sounded
reedy. Was Benjamin on to me? Had he planted that woman near the
beach to thwart my plan? I'djogged home after torn up the suicide note
(08:24):
and flushed it down the toilet.Then I'd thrown my wet clothes in the
washer and jumped in the shower.When I emerged, I made my husband
breakfast as usual, and then Imet Jesse at the gem as if nothing
had happened. But I'd learned notto underestimate my husband. I don't want
(08:45):
to try again until we know whothat bitch is. Jesse's tone was angry,
and rightfully so. We'd be inBellingham by now, headed for the
airport if not for that woman.Still, I winced inwardly at the masta
agynistic term. So what did youtell her? Jesse continued, what did
you talk about? I extracted myselffrom his embrace. Nothing. My cheeks
(09:13):
were hot, and I hoped hedidn't notice. I basically told her she
should have minded her own business.My memory of the encounter was hazy,
but I'd felt comfortable with the womanwho'd saved my life, comfortable enough to
drink her whiskey, to sit withher under her sleeping bag, to open
up to her about my abuse ofmarriage just a little, though I hadn't
(09:37):
told her too much. Go seeher tomorrow, Jesse said, find out
what you can. Okay, helooked at his watch. We need to
get back to the gym. Soon. His hands reached for my hips,
pulled me toward him. I didn'twant to have sex. I still felt
(09:58):
shaky and fragile and heightened. ButI knew my boyfriend had a high sex
drive, and I'd been programmed toplease men, so I let him slide
my tights off, allowed him tolay me back on the sofa and enter
me. His physical proximity calmed mesomewhat, and I buried my face in
(10:18):
his neck because I needed to beclose to him, and I needed him
to want me. My whole futuredepended on him. A gift seemed the
most obvious reason for me to returnto the scene of my near drowning.
I would thank the woman for savingmy life, tell her I'd reconsidered ending
(10:41):
it, and then I would findout why she was really sleeping in the
park at the end of my street. Our home was filled with expensive objay
dah, but I had to choosesomething that wouldn't be missed. The living
room pieces were curated and expensive,so they were out of the question.
But Benjamin's study was chalk full ofbooks and trinkets. At the back of
(11:05):
a lower shelf, dusty from beingignored by our weekly cleaner, was his
collection of nutskes. I scanned theancient Japanese figurines and found the appropriate one,
A coiled snake. Intricate scales hadbeen carved into the smooth bone,
two sharp, precise fangs. Ifthe woman's presence in the park was benign,
(11:31):
she could sell this for five hundredbucks, maybe more. If she
was working for my husband. Thegift was symbolic. I was on to
her, and I would strike Thatmorning. I tiptoed into the kitchen and
packed his simple breakfast for her,a roll i'd baked, filled with peanut
butter and honey, a crisp redapple. I placed them in my backpack,
(11:56):
next to the nutscae. Then Islipped out the door and jogged the
park. She was asleep when Iarrived, her seat reclined, her brow
troubled even in slumber. I observedher for a moment, taking in the
bottle of whiskey and the console andthe large knife across her lap. It
(12:16):
was clear, beyond a doubt thather presence here was entirely innocent. This
woman was vulnerable and afraid. Shewasn't working for my husband. She wasn't
here to spy on me. Ialmost turned and left, continued my jog,
but something empathy, pity propelled meforward. I tapped on the window,
(12:41):
watched her startle awake, groping forher knife. My heart twisted in
my chest. We sat on thatsoft gray log and watched the sunrise.
She ate the bun i'd brought herlike it was eggs benedict with smoked salmon
and caviar, savoring each bite.I tried to engage her in conversation,
(13:01):
but she was circumspect. To fillthe void, I told her even more
about my marriage to Benjamin. Mysecrets had piled up, festering inside me,
and this woman wouldn't judge me.She had fallen farther than I had.
When I saw Jesse, I relayedwhat i'd learned. Her name is
(13:22):
Lee. She went broke during thepandemic. She's homeless, and she's scared.
She drinks herself to sleep each nightwith a knife in her lap.
It wasn't much, admittedly, butit was enough. We don't have to
worry about her, I assured him. We can reschedule our escape. Okay,
(13:43):
he said, but I heard thedoubt in his voice. I'll see
when I can get the boat.That should have been the last I saw
of Lee, but it wasn't.She was stuck in my mind like a
song, and nothing i'd could dislodgeher. I felt sorry for her,
of course, but there was somethingmore, a sort of kinship. Because
(14:09):
none of my friendships were real,all forced upon me by my husband.
I played a part with everyone inmy life, even Jesse, But with
Lee I could be open. Icould just be Hazel. I jogged to
her car with a buttery croissant inmy backpack and found her shivering and sick,
(14:31):
really sick. She probably needed adoctor, but she obviously didn't have
health insurance. And when she saidthat she had to go to work that
she couldn't afford to take a sickday, my chest hurt. This was
life for so many people. Despitemy toxic marriage, I was privileged.
(14:52):
I promised to return with medicine andtea, because her illness was my fault.
After my fridgid dip in the ocean, gone home to a hot shower
and dry clothes, Lee had satchilled in her car, her immunity lowered
and she had picked up a virussomewhere. With an exhilarating sense of purpose,
(15:13):
I sprinted back home, ensuring Ireturned suitably, sweaty and out of
breath. When Benjamin emerged fresh fromthe shower, I greeted him brightly.
Morning Chief, Good morning. Hewas in a crisp white shirt and light
gray pants, his suit jacket slungover his arm. I want eggs.
(15:35):
You'll have two slices of toast,yes, Chief. In the kitchen,
I prepared his scrambled eggs the Frenchway, stirring constantly with a pat of
butter. Benjamin was on his laptopat the breakfast bar, but we didn't
chat. The silence had less todo with our MS agreement and more to
(15:56):
do with his disinterest in me.Blame him. My universe had dwindled over
our years together, and I hadlittle, if anything, of interest to
contribute. When I sat the platein front of him, he spoke,
I'm worried about you me eh.My voice was tight. Why I think
(16:22):
you have an exercise addiction. Idon't, I said, breezily. I
just like to stay in shape foryou. His gray eyes appraised me over
a fork full of eggs. You'vegotten too thin again, you know I
don't like it. I'm going tobuild up my lower body, I said,
(16:42):
get more muscle on my thighs,and booty. You can go to
the gym for one hour from nowon, not two. I couldn't question
his dictate. That was our agreement. I followed his rules or there were
re percussions. But one hour wasnot long enough for me to sneak out
(17:03):
the back and go to Jesse's apartment. We would barely arrive when we'd have
to turn around again. I worriedthat Benjamin knew about the affair, but
passive aggressive punishment was not his style. If he knew I was cheating on
him, I would feel it.David Vegas's wife is planning a breast cancer
(17:25):
gala. I told him you'd helpout of course, I said, though
I already had a charity case.May I go to the drug store today?
I need some vitamins and a fewtoiletries. You may, He swallowed
the last forkful of eggs. Youneed to find a way to contribute to
(17:48):
society, Hazel. It's embarrassing tohave a wife who does nothing but jog
and lift weights. My face felthot with humiliation. Though I should have
been you to it by now.What about your little bakery idea? I
told him my dream in the earlystages of our relationship. When I thought
(18:10):
he was kind and nurturing, itresurfaced on occasion as a way to demean
me and my puny goals. You'reobviously not an entrepreneur, he slid his
empty plate toward me. But youcould design a menu, decorate the place.
It would give you some profile atleast, and then I'll find someone
(18:34):
to run it. Thank you,Chief. Do some sketches, look into
some locations, and call Venessa Vega, he said, standing, she's expecting
to hear from you later. Idrove to Walgreens, then to the deli
(18:56):
for soup and tea, and returnedto Lee. She was weak, but
I dosed her with medicine and fedher. Something about her miserable state brought
out a maternal side I hadn't knownexisted. I'd purchased a few cosmetics for
her. When you look good,you feel good, and I applied them
gently. She relaxed under my touch. I knew she lived in a constant
(19:22):
state of fear and anxiety, evenmore than I did. When I finished
the makeover, Lee didn't look sickanymore. She looked beautiful, my chest
warm from my good deed. Ireturned home. I tried a few half
hearted sketches for the bakery, butthere was no point. It had been
(19:44):
my dream, but not the wayBenjamin was controlling it, and it would
never happen. My escape was imminent, with Benjamin cracking down on my gem
time, Jesse and I needed toleave soon. Finally, I gave up
and seasoned the steaks that my husbandhad demanded for supper. I made a
(20:06):
salad with fresh tomatoes and barratta,and dressed in the figure hugging jumpsuit he'd
instructed me to wear. At seveno'clock, my husband returned from the office.
While he went to change, Ipoured him a glass of Cabernet savignon
that I'd been decanting for an hour. At seven fifteen, I set his
steak and salad before him. Hecut into the ribbi, revealing the perfect
(20:33):
medium, rare pink. How wasyour day, I asked, my eyes
on the plump tomato on my fork. It was fine. He chewed the
steak. Did you call venasovega?The fork slipped in my hand, but
I caught it before it clattered onthe edge of the plate. I'd completely
(20:55):
forgotten about the breast cancer gala.I I didn't. Why not? I
thought I was supposed to call hertomorrow. I told you to call her
to day. It was a busyday. I guess it slipped my mind.
He set his utensils down gently,without noise, and finished chewing before
(21:18):
he spoke. My heart beat filledthe silence. I knew what was coming.
You had a busy day, heasked, rhetorically. What did you
do. I went to the drugstore, eh, and I did some
sketches for the bakery. His angerwas there, bubbling under the facade of
(21:42):
calm. He'd made a simple demandand I had disregarded it. How could
it slip your mind, Hazel?Your mind is completely empty. It's a
void, a vacuum, just likeyour zombie of a mother. The words
were cruel enough on their own,but I knew there was more abuse to
(22:04):
come. If we were in atrue BDSM relationship, the repercussions would have
been agreed upon in advance. ThatBenjamin was not a dominant. He was
a bully, a manipulator, anabuser. Go to the room, but
the steak, I said weakly.His plate flew at me, the cutlery
(22:30):
clattering to the table. I broughtmy forearm up to protect myself, the
plate glancing off at sharply. Thebloody piece of meat landed in my lap.
Go He roared, I stood andstumbled obediently down the stairs. Follow
daily bedtime tales now and never missa heartbeat of this captivating tale. Districts
(23:02):
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