April 3, 2024 • 11 mins
On this episode of Dark Matters, we'll uncover how childhood experiences, from deep-seated trauma to family dynamics, cast long shadows over our adult lives. Our conversation will examine how unspoken pain can distort our life's compass and how recognizing the "unnamed pain" can illuminate the path to self-awareness and growth. So, grab yourself a pen and paper, and let's navigate the path to healing and self-discovery together on Dark Matters.
Get in touch with Dr. Shemena
· Tweet me at @ShemenaJohnson
· Follow me on IG at @DrShemenaJohnson
· Email me at info@shemenajohnson.com
Thank you for listening!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Thank you.
Everyday psychology to help youbecome conscious and aware.
It's about understanding andit's about empowerment so that
you can take control of yourlife in this challenging world.
So what do you say?
Let's dive in.
Hi, this is Dr Shamina Johnsonand welcome back to another
(00:41):
episode on the series BreakingThrough Johnson.
And welcome back to anotherepisode on the series Breaking
Through.
In this episode we will diveinto how understanding your past
can be healing.
It's where the wounds are raw,open and create continuing
suffering, whether it'schildhood trauma, fatherlessness
, motherlessness, toxic parentsor just disappointing
(01:03):
relationships, toxic parents orjust disappointing relationships
.
Healing starts with an honestawareness of yourself as a
necessary step towards growth.
(01:24):
You know our histories are soimportant because we are all a
walking 365-page book of livinghistory, of living proof of what
we've been through.
Many of the anxieties and fearsexperienced in childhood can
have an accumulative effect onour lives.
Early experiences are crucialbecause they are stamped into
(01:45):
our psyche and influence laterexperiences that impact our
intimate and platonicrelationships.
For example, it's a daughterwho loses a parent at an early
age to a car accident or severeillness, is left absent one
parent feeling the loss andfeeling confused.
The question becomes how didthat loss impact the remaining
(02:10):
parent?
Did they become depressed?
Did they wall themselves off?
Did they just become notengaged?
But also, how did it affect you?
That feeling of loss is bakedinto your understanding of the
world and how you see it.
It's a lens.
(02:31):
It's not that people will notleave you, but it's your
interpretation of that event andwhat it means to you.
Like, are you left with afeeling that you're a factor,
like the feeling that you arethat kid in school where others
have two parents, or you feellike they have one leg up over
you because they have twoparents and you only have one?
(02:54):
That loss becomes a deficit inyour psychological makeup.
What is the implicit messagethat you tell yourself about
that event?
And you grow up caring as youbecome an adult?
Or the example of a son who hasa father who is angry and
(03:16):
punishing, is left feeling lessthan and small confusion about
his sense of masculinity.
Or a daughter who felt safe andsecure within the context of
her family, where autonomy wastraded for security.
She feels anxious aboutbecoming her own person and
venturing out in the world, thuswondering if she will lose her
(03:37):
family, or feels the need tomake everyone happy just to keep
them close.
The thing is, even if you grewup in a household where it was
nurturing and safe, we all bearinvisible wounds from our
childhood.
When these invisible wounds gounnoticed or unnamed, it can
(03:58):
wreak havoc on our relationships.
It's the unnamed pain of theseinvisible wounds that becomes a
way for you to orient your life.
The pain of a young girl whohas an absent father and
rationalizes the absence as adefect within herself and
rationalizes the absence as adefect within herself.
(04:19):
Or the pain of a young girl whofeels unloved, learns to cover
these feelings byovercompensating and becoming an
overachiever, a high achieverIf I can't be loved for who I am
, I will be loved for what I do.
Or the pain of a woman thatexperiences rage and anger and
turns it inward towards herselfand becomes depressed.
(04:43):
Experiences from our childhoodstrongly influence our adult
behavior, and how we learn tomanage our emotions is often
rooted in childhood.
You know our families hold alot of power, a lot of
psychological power, you know,because we are born into
families, contained by ourfamilies, fed by our families
(05:08):
and also neglected and sometimesbetrayed by family.
Whenever we think of family, Ilike to think of it as the
metaphoric, like a metaphor foryour own home, your own internal
home.
You know, I'm always struckwhen a person can easily slip
(05:28):
into thinking and speaking in asimilar pattern, in a similar
way of what their parents usedto.
That's how powerful ourenvironments can be.
You know, negative behaviorsand traits, as well as
individual talents, can oftenlie hidden underneath the
surface.
For some families, emotionalvulnerability is encouraged.
(05:52):
For others it's frowned uponand discouraged.
For some families, anger andthe expression of anger is
tolerated, but for others it'sthe worst and you are shamed for
(06:13):
its expression.
So you ask how in the world canthe loss of a parent, being
emotionally neglected, family orphysically abused have to do
with relationships and your ownpersonal fulfillment?
If you never look behind thecurtain of your psychology, then
(06:36):
the feelings of insecurity,loss, guilt, shame get repressed
and will have agency over you.
Not acknowledging the feelingsbecomes your best attempt to
live a personal, fulfilling life.
I understand that.
However, when we don'tacknowledge and have
self-awareness, underlyingfeelings can wreak havoc and
they can actually move you to aplace where you actually end up.
The feelings are telling youwhat to do.
(06:57):
Perhaps you might decide toleave your emotionally abusive
partner if your parents hadn'tignored you for days on end when
you expressed upset.
Feeling alone in isolation isso much more worse than being
yelled at by your partner orslapped in the face, because
it's proof that at least someoneis taking you into account.
(07:19):
Or maybe you work yourself sohard to the point of exhaustion
to achieve multiple degrees andall of the anxieties of
achievement, because if I can'tbe loved for who I am, I will be
loved for what I do and how Iperform.
It's a perceived ticket tocounteracting feelings of less
(07:40):
than an internalized evaluationand disrespect in the world.
This becomes a demarcationbetween what can be
self-destructive to ourselvesand what can be self-affirming,
and it's all very much about theunderlying feelings.
They are having an outsizedimpact on your psychology.
(08:01):
When you're not conscious ofthe invisible wounds of family
or even the world and societyand its impact on you, then we
do carry it forth, identifyingwith the negative projections,
and then it becomes a way of howyou end up seeing yourself the
(08:21):
struggle to understand byquestioning ourselves, our
behavior, our reactions are theonly advantage you have in
overcoming trauma, dysfunctionand anxieties and fears.
It's like the saying goes thatyou cannot understand where
you're going until youunderstand where you're coming
from, where you've come from.
Understanding gives you achoice in the matter, one which
(08:46):
you may not have had or evenit's been available to you
before.
But when you become conscious,you bring a greater
self-awareness and healing tothat which could not be
acknowledged.
Facing these negative traitsand behaviors that have been
passed down like the familyjewels affords you the ability
to not remain trapped.
(09:07):
But first you must identify andacknowledge the feelings that
lay underneath the surface.
Now I want you to take a momentto soak in all of what I'm
saying to you.
Maybe, if you like, you cangrab some paper or write in the
journal so that you can continueto explore and understand
(09:30):
yourself.
This is what I like to callfinding your way.
So here's some questions thatmay help you further explore
that Like.
Ask yourself what is the painyou carry forth today?
Can you name it?
Also, when you listen closelyto that internal voice of pain,
(09:58):
what are its deeper needs?
What are some of the strengthsgained from your father, mother
and maybe even your family, butalso what are some of the
weaknesses you gained and youinherited from them as well?
How are you different from theway your parents behave?
(10:22):
How are you similar?
These are just a few questionsthat you can begin to ask
yourself, to question yourselfso that you can get to the
underlying feelings.
Until next time, take care andbe well.
(10:43):
I hope you enjoyed this episodeof Dark Matters with Dr Shamina
.
Take care and be well.
Rate and review, because I'dlove to hear your comments and
(11:04):
remember either you deal withyour feelings or they deal with
you.
See you guys soon.
Thank you.
Everyday psychology to help youbecome conscious and aware.
It's about understanding andit's about empowerment so that
you can take control of yourlife in this challenging world.
So what do you say?
Let's dive in.
Hi, this is Dr Shamina Johnsonand welcome back to another
(00:41):
episode on the series BreakingThrough Johnson.
And welcome back to anotherepisode on the series Breaking
Through.
In this episode we will diveinto how understanding your past
can be healing.
It's where the wounds are raw,open and create continuing
suffering, whether it'schildhood trauma, fatherlessness
, motherlessness, toxic parentsor just disappointing
(01:03):
relationships, toxic parents orjust disappointing relationships
.
Healing starts with an honestawareness of yourself as a
necessary step towards growth.
(01:24):
You know our histories are soimportant because we are all a
walking 365-page book of livinghistory, of living proof of what
we've been through.
Many of the anxieties and fearsexperienced in childhood can
have an accumulative effect onour lives.
Early experiences are crucialbecause they are stamped into
(01:45):
our psyche and influence laterexperiences that impact our
intimate and platonicrelationships.
For example, it's a daughterwho loses a parent at an early
age to a car accident or severeillness, is left absent one
parent feeling the loss andfeeling confused.
The question becomes how didthat loss impact the remaining
(02:10):
parent?
Did they become depressed?
Did they wall themselves off?
Did they just become notengaged?
But also, how did it affect you?
That feeling of loss is bakedinto your understanding of the
world and how you see it.
It's a lens.
(02:31):
It's not that people will notleave you, but it's your
interpretation of that event andwhat it means to you.
Like, are you left with afeeling that you're a factor,
like the feeling that you arethat kid in school where others
have two parents, or you feellike they have one leg up over
you because they have twoparents and you only have one?
(02:54):
That loss becomes a deficit inyour psychological makeup.
What is the implicit messagethat you tell yourself about
that event?
And you grow up caring as youbecome an adult?
Or the example of a son who hasa father who is angry and
(03:16):
punishing, is left feeling lessthan and small confusion about
his sense of masculinity.
Or a daughter who felt safe andsecure within the context of
her family, where autonomy wastraded for security.
She feels anxious aboutbecoming her own person and
venturing out in the world, thuswondering if she will lose her
(03:37):
family, or feels the need tomake everyone happy just to keep
them close.
The thing is, even if you grewup in a household where it was
nurturing and safe, we all bearinvisible wounds from our
childhood.
When these invisible wounds gounnoticed or unnamed, it can
(03:58):
wreak havoc on our relationships.
It's the unnamed pain of theseinvisible wounds that becomes a
way for you to orient your life.
The pain of a young girl whohas an absent father and
rationalizes the absence as adefect within herself and
rationalizes the absence as adefect within herself.
(04:19):
Or the pain of a young girl whofeels unloved, learns to cover
these feelings byovercompensating and becoming an
overachiever, a high achieverIf I can't be loved for who I am
, I will be loved for what I do.
Or the pain of a woman thatexperiences rage and anger and
turns it inward towards herselfand becomes depressed.
(04:43):
Experiences from our childhoodstrongly influence our adult
behavior, and how we learn tomanage our emotions is often
rooted in childhood.
You know our families hold alot of power, a lot of
psychological power, you know,because we are born into
families, contained by ourfamilies, fed by our families
(05:08):
and also neglected and sometimesbetrayed by family.
Whenever we think of family, Ilike to think of it as the
metaphoric, like a metaphor foryour own home, your own internal
home.
You know, I'm always struckwhen a person can easily slip
(05:28):
into thinking and speaking in asimilar pattern, in a similar
way of what their parents usedto.
That's how powerful ourenvironments can be.
You know, negative behaviorsand traits, as well as
individual talents, can oftenlie hidden underneath the
surface.
For some families, emotionalvulnerability is encouraged.
(05:52):
For others it's frowned uponand discouraged.
For some families, anger andthe expression of anger is
tolerated, but for others it'sthe worst and you are shamed for
(06:13):
its expression.
So you ask how in the world canthe loss of a parent, being
emotionally neglected, family orphysically abused have to do
with relationships and your ownpersonal fulfillment?
If you never look behind thecurtain of your psychology, then
(06:36):
the feelings of insecurity,loss, guilt, shame get repressed
and will have agency over you.
Not acknowledging the feelingsbecomes your best attempt to
live a personal, fulfilling life.
I understand that.
However, when we don'tacknowledge and have
self-awareness, underlyingfeelings can wreak havoc and
they can actually move you to aplace where you actually end up.
The feelings are telling youwhat to do.
(06:57):
Perhaps you might decide toleave your emotionally abusive
partner if your parents hadn'tignored you for days on end when
you expressed upset.
Feeling alone in isolation isso much more worse than being
yelled at by your partner orslapped in the face, because
it's proof that at least someoneis taking you into account.
(07:19):
Or maybe you work yourself sohard to the point of exhaustion
to achieve multiple degrees andall of the anxieties of
achievement, because if I can'tbe loved for who I am, I will be
loved for what I do and how Iperform.
It's a perceived ticket tocounteracting feelings of less
(07:40):
than an internalized evaluationand disrespect in the world.
This becomes a demarcationbetween what can be
self-destructive to ourselvesand what can be self-affirming,
and it's all very much about theunderlying feelings.
They are having an outsizedimpact on your psychology.
(08:01):
When you're not conscious ofthe invisible wounds of family
or even the world and societyand its impact on you, then we
do carry it forth, identifyingwith the negative projections,
and then it becomes a way of howyou end up seeing yourself the
(08:21):
struggle to understand byquestioning ourselves, our
behavior, our reactions are theonly advantage you have in
overcoming trauma, dysfunctionand anxieties and fears.
It's like the saying goes thatyou cannot understand where
you're going until youunderstand where you're coming
from, where you've come from.
Understanding gives you achoice in the matter, one which
(08:46):
you may not have had or evenit's been available to you
before.
But when you become conscious,you bring a greater
self-awareness and healing tothat which could not be
acknowledged.
Facing these negative traitsand behaviors that have been
passed down like the familyjewels affords you the ability
to not remain trapped.
(09:07):
But first you must identify andacknowledge the feelings that
lay underneath the surface.
Now I want you to take a momentto soak in all of what I'm
saying to you.
Maybe, if you like, you cangrab some paper or write in the
journal so that you can continueto explore and understand
(09:30):
yourself.
This is what I like to callfinding your way.
So here's some questions thatmay help you further explore
that Like.
Ask yourself what is the painyou carry forth today?
Can you name it?
Also, when you listen closelyto that internal voice of pain,
(09:58):
what are its deeper needs?
What are some of the strengthsgained from your father, mother
and maybe even your family, butalso what are some of the
weaknesses you gained and youinherited from them as well?
How are you different from theway your parents behave?
(10:22):
How are you similar?
These are just a few questionsthat you can begin to ask
yourself, to question yourselfso that you can get to the
underlying feelings.
Until next time, take care andbe well.
(10:43):
I hope you enjoyed this episodeof Dark Matters with Dr Shamina
.
Take care and be well.
Rate and review, because I'dlove to hear your comments and
(11:04):
remember either you deal withyour feelings or they deal with
you.
See you guys soon.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!