September 23, 2024 • 14 mins
What if you could turn the chaos of your emotions into a powerful tool for personal growth? Join me, Dr. Shemena, in this episode of Dark Matters as we explore the transformative potential of deeply understanding and making meaning of our feelings and thoughts. Listen as we dissect the effects of disavowing our emotions whether influenced by family dynamics, cultural expectations, and/or societal norms, and why acknowledging our emotions is crucial for personal empowerment. This episode offers insightful perspectives and actionable advice to elevate your journey toward self-awareness and empowerment.
Get in touch with Dr. Shemena
· Tweet me at @ShemenaJohnson
· Follow me on IG at @DrShemenaJohnson
· Email me at info@shemenajohnson.com
Thank you for listening!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Thank you.
Everyday psychology to help youbecome conscious and aware.
It's about understanding andit's about empowerment so that
you can take control of yourlife in this challenging world.
So what do you say?
Let's dive in.
Hello and welcome to DarkMatters with Dr Shamina.
(00:43):
Thank you for joining in withme.
I'm your host, dr Shamina, andI'm just really happy to be back
.
So just a little bit.
I know I've been away for a bit, some months, and who knew that
to begin writing a book takes alot of time and effort and
(01:04):
energy, and so that's what I'vebeen doing and it's been really
refreshing to have a pause.
But also, with that pause, itgave me a lot of rejuvenated
thoughts and ideas aboutcontinuing, you know, with the
podcast.
So I'm really glad to be backand thank you for tuning in
(01:26):
again.
So I'm going to pick up where Ileft off, you know, in the
Breaking Through series, becauseI feel like it's very helpful
in just having a little bit of acursory review on just
understanding yourself, andthat's why I called it Breaking
Through.
So today, in this podcast ofBreaking Through, I'm going to
(01:50):
talk about feelings and thoughts.
The focus is going to be onunderstanding and making meaning
of feelings, which means you nolonger can get stuck, but you
can respond to your feelingsappropriately and move through
them and not be scared orshocked when feelings come up,
(02:11):
because they're just a normalpart of the human experience.
So here we go, let's dive in.
So the role of feelings andthoughts in our everyday
(02:43):
experiences brings, I think ofus versus what happens outside
of us, what happens in yourpartner versus what happens
inside of you family members.
I think it's all so importantbecause it can be so confusing
when you are communicating withindividuals and certain feelings
get evoked inside of you andyou're wondering who has the
(03:03):
feelings.
Certain feelings get evokedinside of you and you're
wondering who has the feelings.
So I think it's very importantto understand your own feelings
first of all.
So just consider this Imaginethe ability to be able to
experience a sense of vitalityand ease and navigating
relationships.
(03:24):
The vitality and ease andnavigating relationships where
you function with a strong senseof understanding who you are on
a very deep level.
Does that sound appealing?
I think so.
Every one of us wants to be inthe driver's seat when it comes
to our lives and navigating ourrelationships.
So when you can have a reallystrong sense of understanding
(03:45):
yourself on a deep level.
It's because you're learning toidentify what you are feeling,
which is an important pathway tounderstanding your own
emotional experiences and whatmakes you unique.
You know what hurts inside, whatneeds attention and what one
can do to resolve the issue.
When you disavow your feelingsor emotional expression because
(04:10):
of prescribed and expected waysof being, the feelings have to
go somewhere.
They just don't go away.
They show up in other ways thatcan often lead to sadness or
depression.
You know, one of the most adultthings one can do is make our
feelings known to ourselves andeven to others.
(04:33):
You know, I often hear fromadults in my practice that grew
up in environments where youknow their feelings were often
criticized or dismissed,distorted or even there was a
lack of curiosity from others ortheir parents.
You know about how or what theyfeel, and so a lot of times you
(04:56):
get the message that you feelthat you don't have a right to
even express your feelings, toexpress fear, to express anger,
sadness, happiness, excitementor even joy, and so when you
turn away from your feelings, itbecomes a source of pain and a
(05:16):
source of shame, and you have toask yourself where did I learn
to turn away or become blind tothe one thing that makes me a
human being?
Who set the tone for that?
You know there's so manyfactors that influence that.
Sometimes the reasons liewithin our family, sometimes
they lie within the culture'sexpectations or even inferences
(05:40):
from society at large.
But when we become an adult, itbecomes very personal, because
you now become the responsibleparty for unlearning what you've
learned.
So when we repeat these learnedbehaviors of expression or the
non-expression of feelings, theydo take on a meaning.
(06:01):
You know they becomeintertwined to some degree in
the context of our social andintimate relationships.
They dictate what becomes whatis normal versus what is
dysfunctional.
So let's take a more focusedview on what I'm talking about.
Follow me here.
Think about this Like when wecome into this world, we come
(06:23):
into this world completelydependent upon others for our
survival.
We look to those tasks withcaring for us, for guidance on
the rules of engagement, on howto manage our emotions and what
is expected and also what isdisapproved of, and so we spend
(06:46):
probably about the first quarterof our lives deciding what
parts of ourselves to amputateor ignore in our lives in order
to survive our circumstances.
Because, keep in mind, we'redependent upon others for our
survival.
It's not like you can just leaveyour home when you're a child
(07:08):
and just go stay at the Hiltonif things go awry, but when you
reach adulthood, we spend therest of our lives, from that
moment forward, trying torecover those same emotions that
were banished away from ourpsychological space.
And that's the good part,because that's when you have a
(07:31):
choice on how to be.
You see, when we're childrenand we're just coming into this
world, and it's like a big ballof energy.
Sometimes you might notice, youknow your parents might
disapprove of certainexpressions, of feelings or
behaviors, like I remember a lotof times I heard with my
(07:51):
parents like can't you be still?
There's nothing for you to cryabout?
That's not how you feel.
I was always being told how Iwas supposed to feel, or I'll
give you something to cry about,or good girls, don't talk about
that.
That's not what you feel.
Fill in the blank, you feelthis, you're happy, you're this,
and so soon you get the messagethat there's a version of me
(08:16):
that I need to be in order tomanage and to survive in my
circumstances.
But also you put those emotionsaside to appease those around
you.
But then you go to high schooland sometimes these run in
parallel.
But then you also have being inhigh school and you have the
(08:37):
peer pressure from the studentsyou know on how to be and how to
behave.
You know, when I think of beingin high school, I was I really
was that nice girl, you know,the good girl with the good
grades, and I worked really hardand I wanted to fit in with
others and try.
I was constantly trying to beacceptable and liked by other
people, constantly trying to beacceptable and liked by other
(08:59):
people.
And you know, some of thatpattern was attributed to my
race, being a Black woman, andsome of that is attributed to my
family and also societalconditioning.
But the driving force in mypsychology was trying, always
trying trying to be liked,trying to be appreciated by the
(09:22):
other, trying to be valued, soon.
That's what I was alwaysconsumed with, of just trying,
what I was always consumed with,of just trying.
But also, even with trying, Inever got a chance to really
question myself.
You see, if it's the drivingforce of trying, all the time I
(09:43):
don't ask myself is this what Ireally want to do?
How do I feel about wanting tobe liked.
Is this the kind ofrelationship I want to have?
I don't ask myself thosequestions, I'm just kind of on
autopilot of.
This is what I need to do.
But also it became a losingstrategy, because if you're
(10:06):
pumping all of this energy intoothers, then you're pumping
yourself empty, all in theinterest of trying to be liked.
But then the question you haveto ask yourself if you're trying
so hard to be liked, what doyou sacrifice in that quest?
For some of us, includingmyself, during that time you end
(10:26):
up denying your own needs andyou end up disavowing other
feelings, such as feeling sadthat I have to do this in the
first place, you know.
But then you move forward andyou reach adulthood and you
attempt to have, you haveintimate relationships with the
(10:47):
parts of yourself that are left.
So disavowing parts of yourselfleaves an indelible mark on
your psyche.
Did you sacrifice spontaneityin your life for self-discipline
, autonomy for loyalty,expression of feelings for
(11:08):
silence and approval?
How do you learn to do thingsdifferently?
Now, you see, recovering thelost parts and the associated
emotions becomes a pathway toreally understanding yourself,
because if you don't haveself-awareness of your emotions,
(11:28):
it's difficult to makesignificant internal and
long-lasting changes.
It's like when you can say toyourself I feel angry, I feel
sad, or I am a little anxious,or I'm capable of feeling
(11:49):
jealousy, or I can be irrational, or I can be competitive, or I
realize there's a dark side tome.
Again, if you notice thelanguage I'm using, I, I, I, I
feel, because that is also apart of who we are.
It's a part of our identity.
It's like I'm owning myfeelings part of our identity.
(12:10):
It's like I'm owning myfeelings.
Once you can acknowledge yourfeelings, that is where the
juice is.
That's when the world reallyopens up to you.
Also, that is when you canreally see yourself very clearly
, all the emotions that arepercolating inside of you.
When emotions are not permittedto be experienced or expressed
(12:35):
based on learned behavior orconditioning, or simply when our
parents or other adultsinvalidate them, they get
repressed.
And remember, as I said earlier, they don't just go away.
They go somewhere else, butthey don't go away.
They come out in little dripsand drabs in other ways, but
(12:55):
when they get repressed, theregoes our sense of self as well.
So we can't change anythingthat we deny within ourselves.
So the idea of building thatawareness and acknowledging your
thoughts and feelings is wherechange can happen, because we
(13:16):
have to be able to be vulnerableto ourselves and acknowledge
those feelings so that we canchange them.
So just a few questions of I'mgoing to help you turn the focus
on yourself.
What are some of the dominantmessages you grew up regarding
expressing your own feelings?
What was your family's attitudetowards the expression of
(13:39):
feelings?
Were the feelings encouraged orwere they negated?
How did you feel about that andwhat parts of that do you want
to change about your life today?
So that's all I got.
Until next time, take care, bewell.
I hope you enjoyed this episodeof Dark Matters with Dr Shamina
(14:03):
.
Thank you for listening in.
You can find me atshaminajohnsoncom.
All the links of where you canfind me are in the show summary.
Come back often and make sureyou subscribe, rate and review,
because I'd love to hear yourcomments.
And remember either you dealwith your feelings or they deal
with you.
See you guys soon.
Thank you.
Everyday psychology to help youbecome conscious and aware.
It's about understanding andit's about empowerment so that
you can take control of yourlife in this challenging world.
So what do you say?
Let's dive in.
Hello and welcome to DarkMatters with Dr Shamina.
(00:43):
Thank you for joining in withme.
I'm your host, dr Shamina, andI'm just really happy to be back
.
So just a little bit.
I know I've been away for a bit, some months, and who knew that
to begin writing a book takes alot of time and effort and
(01:04):
energy, and so that's what I'vebeen doing and it's been really
refreshing to have a pause.
But also, with that pause, itgave me a lot of rejuvenated
thoughts and ideas aboutcontinuing, you know, with the
podcast.
So I'm really glad to be backand thank you for tuning in
(01:26):
again.
So I'm going to pick up where Ileft off, you know, in the
Breaking Through series, becauseI feel like it's very helpful
in just having a little bit of acursory review on just
understanding yourself, andthat's why I called it Breaking
Through.
So today, in this podcast ofBreaking Through, I'm going to
(01:50):
talk about feelings and thoughts.
The focus is going to be onunderstanding and making meaning
of feelings, which means you nolonger can get stuck, but you
can respond to your feelingsappropriately and move through
them and not be scared orshocked when feelings come up,
(02:11):
because they're just a normalpart of the human experience.
So here we go, let's dive in.
So the role of feelings andthoughts in our everyday
(02:43):
experiences brings, I think ofus versus what happens outside
of us, what happens in yourpartner versus what happens
inside of you family members.
I think it's all so importantbecause it can be so confusing
when you are communicating withindividuals and certain feelings
get evoked inside of you andyou're wondering who has the
(03:03):
feelings.
Certain feelings get evokedinside of you and you're
wondering who has the feelings.
So I think it's very importantto understand your own feelings
first of all.
So just consider this Imaginethe ability to be able to
experience a sense of vitalityand ease and navigating
relationships.
(03:24):
The vitality and ease andnavigating relationships where
you function with a strong senseof understanding who you are on
a very deep level.
Does that sound appealing?
I think so.
Every one of us wants to be inthe driver's seat when it comes
to our lives and navigating ourrelationships.
So when you can have a reallystrong sense of understanding
(03:45):
yourself on a deep level.
It's because you're learning toidentify what you are feeling,
which is an important pathway tounderstanding your own
emotional experiences and whatmakes you unique.
You know what hurts inside, whatneeds attention and what one
can do to resolve the issue.
When you disavow your feelingsor emotional expression because
(04:10):
of prescribed and expected waysof being, the feelings have to
go somewhere.
They just don't go away.
They show up in other ways thatcan often lead to sadness or
depression.
You know, one of the most adultthings one can do is make our
feelings known to ourselves andeven to others.
(04:33):
You know, I often hear fromadults in my practice that grew
up in environments where youknow their feelings were often
criticized or dismissed,distorted or even there was a
lack of curiosity from others ortheir parents.
You know about how or what theyfeel, and so a lot of times you
(04:56):
get the message that you feelthat you don't have a right to
even express your feelings, toexpress fear, to express anger,
sadness, happiness, excitementor even joy, and so when you
turn away from your feelings, itbecomes a source of pain and a
(05:16):
source of shame, and you have toask yourself where did I learn
to turn away or become blind tothe one thing that makes me a
human being?
Who set the tone for that?
You know there's so manyfactors that influence that.
Sometimes the reasons liewithin our family, sometimes
they lie within the culture'sexpectations or even inferences
(05:40):
from society at large.
But when we become an adult, itbecomes very personal, because
you now become the responsibleparty for unlearning what you've
learned.
So when we repeat these learnedbehaviors of expression or the
non-expression of feelings, theydo take on a meaning.
(06:01):
You know they becomeintertwined to some degree in
the context of our social andintimate relationships.
They dictate what becomes whatis normal versus what is
dysfunctional.
So let's take a more focusedview on what I'm talking about.
Follow me here.
Think about this Like when wecome into this world, we come
(06:23):
into this world completelydependent upon others for our
survival.
We look to those tasks withcaring for us, for guidance on
the rules of engagement, on howto manage our emotions and what
is expected and also what isdisapproved of, and so we spend
(06:46):
probably about the first quarterof our lives deciding what
parts of ourselves to amputateor ignore in our lives in order
to survive our circumstances.
Because, keep in mind, we'redependent upon others for our
survival.
It's not like you can just leaveyour home when you're a child
(07:08):
and just go stay at the Hiltonif things go awry, but when you
reach adulthood, we spend therest of our lives, from that
moment forward, trying torecover those same emotions that
were banished away from ourpsychological space.
And that's the good part,because that's when you have a
(07:31):
choice on how to be.
You see, when we're childrenand we're just coming into this
world, and it's like a big ballof energy.
Sometimes you might notice, youknow your parents might
disapprove of certainexpressions, of feelings or
behaviors, like I remember a lotof times I heard with my
(07:51):
parents like can't you be still?
There's nothing for you to cryabout?
That's not how you feel.
I was always being told how Iwas supposed to feel, or I'll
give you something to cry about,or good girls, don't talk about
that.
That's not what you feel.
Fill in the blank, you feelthis, you're happy, you're this,
and so soon you get the messagethat there's a version of me
(08:16):
that I need to be in order tomanage and to survive in my
circumstances.
But also you put those emotionsaside to appease those around
you.
But then you go to high schooland sometimes these run in
parallel.
But then you also have being inhigh school and you have the
(08:37):
peer pressure from the studentsyou know on how to be and how to
behave.
You know, when I think of beingin high school, I was I really
was that nice girl, you know,the good girl with the good
grades, and I worked really hardand I wanted to fit in with
others and try.
I was constantly trying to beacceptable and liked by other
people, constantly trying to beacceptable and liked by other
(08:59):
people.
And you know, some of thatpattern was attributed to my
race, being a Black woman, andsome of that is attributed to my
family and also societalconditioning.
But the driving force in mypsychology was trying, always
trying trying to be liked,trying to be appreciated by the
(09:22):
other, trying to be valued, soon.
That's what I was alwaysconsumed with, of just trying,
what I was always consumed with,of just trying.
But also, even with trying, Inever got a chance to really
question myself.
You see, if it's the drivingforce of trying, all the time I
(09:43):
don't ask myself is this what Ireally want to do?
How do I feel about wanting tobe liked.
Is this the kind ofrelationship I want to have?
I don't ask myself thosequestions, I'm just kind of on
autopilot of.
This is what I need to do.
But also it became a losingstrategy, because if you're
(10:06):
pumping all of this energy intoothers, then you're pumping
yourself empty, all in theinterest of trying to be liked.
But then the question you haveto ask yourself if you're trying
so hard to be liked, what doyou sacrifice in that quest?
For some of us, includingmyself, during that time you end
(10:26):
up denying your own needs andyou end up disavowing other
feelings, such as feeling sadthat I have to do this in the
first place, you know.
But then you move forward andyou reach adulthood and you
attempt to have, you haveintimate relationships with the
(10:47):
parts of yourself that are left.
So disavowing parts of yourselfleaves an indelible mark on
your psyche.
Did you sacrifice spontaneityin your life for self-discipline
, autonomy for loyalty,expression of feelings for
(11:08):
silence and approval?
How do you learn to do thingsdifferently?
Now, you see, recovering thelost parts and the associated
emotions becomes a pathway toreally understanding yourself,
because if you don't haveself-awareness of your emotions,
(11:28):
it's difficult to makesignificant internal and
long-lasting changes.
It's like when you can say toyourself I feel angry, I feel
sad, or I am a little anxious,or I'm capable of feeling
(11:49):
jealousy, or I can be irrational, or I can be competitive, or I
realize there's a dark side tome.
Again, if you notice thelanguage I'm using, I, I, I, I
feel, because that is also apart of who we are.
It's a part of our identity.
It's like I'm owning myfeelings part of our identity.
(12:10):
It's like I'm owning myfeelings.
Once you can acknowledge yourfeelings, that is where the
juice is.
That's when the world reallyopens up to you.
Also, that is when you canreally see yourself very clearly
, all the emotions that arepercolating inside of you.
When emotions are not permittedto be experienced or expressed
(12:35):
based on learned behavior orconditioning, or simply when our
parents or other adultsinvalidate them, they get
repressed.
And remember, as I said earlier, they don't just go away.
They go somewhere else, butthey don't go away.
They come out in little dripsand drabs in other ways, but
(12:55):
when they get repressed, theregoes our sense of self as well.
So we can't change anythingthat we deny within ourselves.
So the idea of building thatawareness and acknowledging your
thoughts and feelings is wherechange can happen, because we
(13:16):
have to be able to be vulnerableto ourselves and acknowledge
those feelings so that we canchange them.
So just a few questions of I'mgoing to help you turn the focus
on yourself.
What are some of the dominantmessages you grew up regarding
expressing your own feelings?
What was your family's attitudetowards the expression of
(13:39):
feelings?
Were the feelings encouraged orwere they negated?
How did you feel about that andwhat parts of that do you want
to change about your life today?
So that's all I got.
Until next time, take care, bewell.
I hope you enjoyed this episodeof Dark Matters with Dr Shamina
(14:03):
.
Thank you for listening in.
You can find me atshaminajohnsoncom.
All the links of where you canfind me are in the show summary.
Come back often and make sureyou subscribe, rate and review,
because I'd love to hear yourcomments.
And remember either you dealwith your feelings or they deal
with you.
See you guys soon.
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