September 25, 2023 • 12 mins
What if your idea of love is actually an addiction? Dr. Shemena helps us understand how individuals with deep-seated insecurities and fears of intimacy can fall into a pattern of seeking perfection and adulation in their partners, becoming addicted to the euphoria of love rather than experiencing its genuine depth. This episode is for anyone seeking to transform their relationship dynamics and gain deeper insight into their own behavior. Tune in!
Get in touch with Dr. Shemena
· Tweet me at @ShemenaJohnson
· Follow me on IG at @DrShemenaJohnson
· Email me at info@shemenajohnson.com
Thank you for listening!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Shemena (00:05):
This is the Dark Matters podcast with Dr.
Shemena.
I'm Dr.
Shemena, a licensed therapistthat underwent my own
transformation, and I'm here toshare my insights and
revelations.
This is a podcast that goeswell beyond the surface of
everyday psychology to help youbecome conscious and aware.
It's about understanding andit's about empowerment so that
(00:28):
you can take control of yourlife in this challenging world.
So what do you say?
Let's dive in.
Hi everyone, this is Dr.
Shemena, and today I'm going tobe following up on one of my
prior podcasts in which Idiscuss what's in the word love
(00:48):
and some of the many faces oflove.
In this episode, I'm going totake the opportunity to follow
up and discuss some other waysthat I believe that romantic
love can function as anintoxicant which can be similar
to an addiction.
So healthy romantic love hasits roots in not needing an
(01:16):
individual to be perfect for you, but to be able to love someone
warts and all just for who theyare.
You know, and it's a processthat happens in moments over
time, but when you have deficitsin your psychology, like these
deep-seated insecurities andfears of intimacy, your emotions
(01:41):
can move you to a place whereyou require, and almost at
sometimes demand, that someonebe perfect for you, mirror you,
make you feel good aboutyourself.
Like, please tell me I'm thegreatest, please tell me that
(02:02):
I'm lovable, please tell me thatI'm good.
And, in a lot of ways, the need, the desire, the demand to hear
that, like, you become addictedto it.
You become addicted to thesense of adulation as a way to
(02:25):
prove to yourself that you areloved, you are likable or you're
attractive.
It's a way to cover up for thedeeper insecurities.
Now I have to say that some ofyou might be thinking that this
is something that you might justsee in men, but it's really not
(02:46):
.
It happens with women too.
This dynamic is a commonexperience for individuals who
have really never really learnedthe simple rules of how to
discover another person'spersonality and also learning to
question and think whether ifthis person on the other side of
(03:09):
you is compatible with you ornot, like, for example.
I'll give you an example Like,a lot of times, individuals will
initiate sex and like, have sexwith someone without really
knowing who they are as a person.
Now, I'm a therapist and I'm atherapist of this world and I'm
also a human being, and if youwant to have a one-off sexual
(03:34):
encounter with someone or asmany lovers as you want.
That is fine.
That is not what I am sayingand putting forward today.
But thinking about when you'reinitiating sex with someone.
Do you understand yourself,your motivations and why you're
(03:55):
doing what you're doing and whenyou're doing it?
That's a key question.
A lot of times we will initiatesex because I just want to have
sex, but then 24 to 48 hourslater I'm thinking we're in a
relationship or you might bethinking this person, why don't
(04:16):
you have feelings for me?
And it's all misguided and it'sall misplaced.
It really starts with reallyquestioning your own self and
why you're doing what you'redoing when you're doing it,
being conscious of that part ofyou that just wants to feel good
.
(04:38):
Now I described one versionwhere loving a person comes from
the way he or she makes youfeel and involves little concern
for the other, because what thelover really wants is this kind
of heady feeling ofintoxication, that blissful
state where you feel as if lifehas become a sort of heaven on
(04:59):
earth and all your troubles havedisappeared for the moment.
It's like a flight from reality, like falling in love and being
with this person and then,raptured in this erotic sense
gets conflated with excitementand eroticism and it's not based
on any kind of real intimacy.
(05:20):
The problem is that it'simpossible to stay high forever
and as you come down from thishigh, you start to realize that
the person you're looking at onthe other side of you, that you
love, maybe isn't so perfectafter all.
(05:41):
But even worse, you find thatyour reality is still the same
and maybe it feels unfulfilling.
Now you might get frustratedthat nothing has changed and you
might think on some level,maybe I made a mistake and maybe
this person is not my person.
(06:01):
And then you move on and itbecomes a cycle of wash, rinse
and repeat.
It's like writing a story wherethere's always a beginning,
there's a middle and thenthere's an end.
And, trust me, there's alwaysan end because it's this
(06:22):
repetitive cycle that lieswithin your unconscious, and
Freud discussed this at length.
With the repetition compulsion.
We have this tendencyunconsciously to repeat the same
scenarios over and, over andover again until you learn a
lesson.
You're trying to cure a corewound, albeit this is all
(06:47):
unconscious.
It's like the psyche is tryingto make sense of a particular
pain point and find a differentway to answer some questions.
And, as I said, this kind oflove which is where you just are
looking for a high.
It doesn't have a lot oflasting power or concern for the
(07:11):
other person.
What lies at the heart of thistype of dynamic or this type of
love is often to avoid real loveand intimacy, which means being
in touch with your needs andbecoming ultimately dependent on
someone else, which is reallyabout vulnerability.
(07:32):
Now some people wake up fromthe delusion of this romantic
love to find that the personthey've chosen might not be
perfect, but maybe it's stillpretty good at their core.
Then authentic love may beginto develop because you're more
(07:53):
in contact with a sense ofreality.
And then there's also someother people who can't bear
reality and they move on to thenext person.
For them, as I mentioned before, love is this drug that brings
the greatest high we humans haveever known.
(08:15):
But when it wears off it's notuncommon it's like I just need
another fix.
Now, changing these habits andinterrupting this repetition.
It's about being able to zoomout a little away from these
intense core emotions and seethe reality of the situation,
(08:37):
that this is unhealthypatterning.
You know the real.
The issue of vulnerability andavoiding real intimacy lies
behind a number of addictions,because one of the primary
functions of addiction is toproduce this heady feeling state
(08:58):
that helps the addict escapethe truth in the reality.
And in many instances, thereality which the addict wants
to escape is deep feelings ofshame, maybe real need for
someone, maybe feelings ofinadequacy.
There's no secret that manyaddicts often have stronger
(09:20):
relationships with their drugsthan what they do with their
significant others.
So if that's a clue for you,there's something to think about
.
So now I'm going to turn thelens on you for you to ask some
questions of yourself and reallyponder some of these questions.
Like are you addicted to love?
(09:41):
Maybe, if you've had a seriesof short, failed relationships,
this may be the reason.
I'm not saying it's the only,but think about it.
Maybe you find the reality oflove, with being connected to
someone, difficult to tolerate.
Or maybe you just like the ideaof love but don't really have a
(10:05):
sense of reality of what lovereally means.
Are there other addictions andI don't mean in the casual way,
like I'm addicted or I just loveice cream.
I mean real addictioninterferes with your life.
While it brings immediatepleasure, it usually leads to
long-term suffering.
(10:28):
Think about it like what aboutwork, sex, alcohol, surfing on
the Internet, pornography,exercise, spending money,
compulsive shopping these canall be looked at as a kind of
(10:48):
addiction.
Are you using this metaphoricaldrug of choice to avoid people,
to escape feeling the desirefor somebody else?
Maybe you might find it toofrightening to make yourself
that vulnerable and you mightfeel safer in the arms of your
(11:08):
drug of choice.
You know, I've always believedthat while addictions have a
physiological component andinvolve other psychological
issues, wanting to avoid thereality of love, need, and
desire for a separate personoften really lies at the heart
(11:30):
of them.
So that's all I got for today.
Take care, be well.
I hope you enjoyed this episodeof Dark Matters with Dr.
Shemena.
Thank you for listening in.
You can find me atshemenajohnson.
com.
All the links of where you canfind me are in the show summary.
(11:51):
Come back often and make sureyou subscribe, rate, and review,
because I'd love to hear yourcomments and remember.
Either you deal with yourfeelings or they deal with you.
See you guys soon.
This is the Dark Matters podcast with Dr.
Shemena.
I'm Dr.
Shemena, a licensed therapistthat underwent my own
transformation, and I'm here toshare my insights and
revelations.
This is a podcast that goeswell beyond the surface of
everyday psychology to help youbecome conscious and aware.
It's about understanding andit's about empowerment so that
(00:28):
you can take control of yourlife in this challenging world.
So what do you say?
Let's dive in.
Hi everyone, this is Dr.
Shemena, and today I'm going tobe following up on one of my
prior podcasts in which Idiscuss what's in the word love
(00:48):
and some of the many faces oflove.
In this episode, I'm going totake the opportunity to follow
up and discuss some other waysthat I believe that romantic
love can function as anintoxicant which can be similar
to an addiction.
So healthy romantic love hasits roots in not needing an
(01:16):
individual to be perfect for you, but to be able to love someone
warts and all just for who theyare.
You know, and it's a processthat happens in moments over
time, but when you have deficitsin your psychology, like these
deep-seated insecurities andfears of intimacy, your emotions
(01:41):
can move you to a place whereyou require, and almost at
sometimes demand, that someonebe perfect for you, mirror you,
make you feel good aboutyourself.
Like, please tell me I'm thegreatest, please tell me that
(02:02):
I'm lovable, please tell me thatI'm good.
And, in a lot of ways, the need, the desire, the demand to hear
that, like, you become addictedto it.
You become addicted to thesense of adulation as a way to
(02:25):
prove to yourself that you areloved, you are likable or you're
attractive.
It's a way to cover up for thedeeper insecurities.
Now I have to say that some ofyou might be thinking that this
is something that you might justsee in men, but it's really not
(02:46):
.
It happens with women too.
This dynamic is a commonexperience for individuals who
have really never really learnedthe simple rules of how to
discover another person'spersonality and also learning to
question and think whether ifthis person on the other side of
(03:09):
you is compatible with you ornot, like, for example.
I'll give you an example Like,a lot of times, individuals will
initiate sex and like, have sexwith someone without really
knowing who they are as a person.
Now, I'm a therapist and I'm atherapist of this world and I'm
also a human being, and if youwant to have a one-off sexual
(03:34):
encounter with someone or asmany lovers as you want.
That is fine.
That is not what I am sayingand putting forward today.
But thinking about when you'reinitiating sex with someone.
Do you understand yourself,your motivations and why you're
(03:55):
doing what you're doing and whenyou're doing it?
That's a key question.
A lot of times we will initiatesex because I just want to have
sex, but then 24 to 48 hourslater I'm thinking we're in a
relationship or you might bethinking this person, why don't
(04:16):
you have feelings for me?
And it's all misguided and it'sall misplaced.
It really starts with reallyquestioning your own self and
why you're doing what you'redoing when you're doing it,
being conscious of that part ofyou that just wants to feel good
.
(04:38):
Now I described one versionwhere loving a person comes from
the way he or she makes youfeel and involves little concern
for the other, because what thelover really wants is this kind
of heady feeling ofintoxication, that blissful
state where you feel as if lifehas become a sort of heaven on
(04:59):
earth and all your troubles havedisappeared for the moment.
It's like a flight from reality, like falling in love and being
with this person and then,raptured in this erotic sense
gets conflated with excitementand eroticism and it's not based
on any kind of real intimacy.
(05:20):
The problem is that it'simpossible to stay high forever
and as you come down from thishigh, you start to realize that
the person you're looking at onthe other side of you, that you
love, maybe isn't so perfectafter all.
(05:41):
But even worse, you find thatyour reality is still the same
and maybe it feels unfulfilling.
Now you might get frustratedthat nothing has changed and you
might think on some level,maybe I made a mistake and maybe
this person is not my person.
(06:01):
And then you move on and itbecomes a cycle of wash, rinse
and repeat.
It's like writing a story wherethere's always a beginning,
there's a middle and thenthere's an end.
And, trust me, there's alwaysan end because it's this
(06:22):
repetitive cycle that lieswithin your unconscious, and
Freud discussed this at length.
With the repetition compulsion.
We have this tendencyunconsciously to repeat the same
scenarios over and, over andover again until you learn a
lesson.
You're trying to cure a corewound, albeit this is all
(06:47):
unconscious.
It's like the psyche is tryingto make sense of a particular
pain point and find a differentway to answer some questions.
And, as I said, this kind oflove which is where you just are
looking for a high.
It doesn't have a lot oflasting power or concern for the
(07:11):
other person.
What lies at the heart of thistype of dynamic or this type of
love is often to avoid real loveand intimacy, which means being
in touch with your needs andbecoming ultimately dependent on
someone else, which is reallyabout vulnerability.
(07:32):
Now some people wake up fromthe delusion of this romantic
love to find that the personthey've chosen might not be
perfect, but maybe it's stillpretty good at their core.
Then authentic love may beginto develop because you're more
(07:53):
in contact with a sense ofreality.
And then there's also someother people who can't bear
reality and they move on to thenext person.
For them, as I mentioned before, love is this drug that brings
the greatest high we humans haveever known.
(08:15):
But when it wears off it's notuncommon it's like I just need
another fix.
Now, changing these habits andinterrupting this repetition.
It's about being able to zoomout a little away from these
intense core emotions and seethe reality of the situation,
(08:37):
that this is unhealthypatterning.
You know the real.
The issue of vulnerability andavoiding real intimacy lies
behind a number of addictions,because one of the primary
functions of addiction is toproduce this heady feeling state
(08:58):
that helps the addict escapethe truth in the reality.
And in many instances, thereality which the addict wants
to escape is deep feelings ofshame, maybe real need for
someone, maybe feelings ofinadequacy.
There's no secret that manyaddicts often have stronger
(09:20):
relationships with their drugsthan what they do with their
significant others.
So if that's a clue for you,there's something to think about
.
So now I'm going to turn thelens on you for you to ask some
questions of yourself and reallyponder some of these questions.
Like are you addicted to love?
(09:41):
Maybe, if you've had a seriesof short, failed relationships,
this may be the reason.
I'm not saying it's the only,but think about it.
Maybe you find the reality oflove, with being connected to
someone, difficult to tolerate.
Or maybe you just like the ideaof love but don't really have a
(10:05):
sense of reality of what lovereally means.
Are there other addictions andI don't mean in the casual way,
like I'm addicted or I just loveice cream.
I mean real addictioninterferes with your life.
While it brings immediatepleasure, it usually leads to
long-term suffering.
(10:28):
Think about it like what aboutwork, sex, alcohol, surfing on
the Internet, pornography,exercise, spending money,
compulsive shopping these canall be looked at as a kind of
(10:48):
addiction.
Are you using this metaphoricaldrug of choice to avoid people,
to escape feeling the desirefor somebody else?
Maybe you might find it toofrightening to make yourself
that vulnerable and you mightfeel safer in the arms of your
(11:08):
drug of choice.
You know, I've always believedthat while addictions have a
physiological component andinvolve other psychological
issues, wanting to avoid thereality of love, need, and
desire for a separate personoften really lies at the heart
(11:30):
of them.
So that's all I got for today.
Take care, be well.
I hope you enjoyed this episodeof Dark Matters with Dr.
Shemena.
Thank you for listening in.
You can find me atshemenajohnson.
com.
All the links of where you canfind me are in the show summary.
(11:51):
Come back often and make sureyou subscribe, rate, and review,
because I'd love to hear yourcomments and remember.
Either you deal with yourfeelings or they deal with you.
See you guys soon.
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