October 26, 2024 • 12 mins
What drives us to excel, and when does that drive become destructive? Join us as we dissect the factors influencing competitive behavior, such as self-esteem, social comparison, and the quest for recognition. You'll learn to identify the fine line between healthy striving and toxic competition, gaining insights that are vital for personal and professional growth.
Get in touch with Dr. Shemena
· Tweet me at @ShemenaJohnson
· Follow me on IG at @DrShemenaJohnson
· Email me at info@shemenajohnson.com
Thank you for listening!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Thank you.
Everyday psychology to help youbecome conscious and aware.
It's about understanding andit's about empowerment so that
you can take control of yourlife in this challenging world.
So what do you say?
Let's dive in.
Hi and welcome to anotherepisode of Dark Matters with Dr
(00:43):
Shemina.
I'm your host, dr Shemina, sowelcome back and thank you for
tuning in.
So today I'm gonna talk about atopic, and the topic is on
competition.
Competition is a fundamentalpart of human behavior that
permeates all facts of our lives, from sports and academics to
(01:06):
the workplace and our socialinteractions.
It drives us all to strive forexcellence, pushing the
boundaries of our capabilities.
However, the psychology ofcompetition is very complex.
It encompasses not only themotivation to succeed, but also
(01:26):
the emotional responses thatarise from competing against
others that can make it toxic.
Factors such as self-esteem,shame, social comparison and the
desire for recognition playsignificant roles in how
individuals engage withcompetition.
So understanding thesepsychological dynamics can
(01:48):
provide valuable insights intoour behaviors and our
relationships with others.
So let's dive in for myinsights into understanding
competition on a little bit moreof a deep level.
So lately and I'm not sure thereason why, but I've been
(02:28):
hearing a lot about competitionfrom my male clients and I just
thought it would be reallyinteresting to talk a little bit
about competition.
And you know, the truth is isthat competition is really a
fact of life.
Most of us can reallyunderstand the desire to win at
(02:54):
games, you know, get the highestgrade in class or bring home a
medal or a trophy at a marathon,you know, playing sports, I
think, provides an outlet forcompetitive urges and even
watching your favoriteprofessional teams allows us to
vicariously compete through them.
You know, this is especiallytrue when many of us like tuned
into the 2024 Olympics in Paristhis year and also the football
(03:14):
season is underway.
I have my partner and I alsohave my you know my father, who
are avid.
You know my father, who wereavid.
You know football fans.
So you see this competitivenesslike in how you know each team
actually, you know, goes againsteach other.
But also I want to highlightthe competitive language used to
(03:37):
describe the win of yourfavorite sports teams against
the rival.
You know, you usually hearexpressions like we destroyed
them, we smashed them and so on,and that's in sports, right.
But then you can even observethis even more seriously in the
political climate that we're inright now how the far right will
(04:00):
describe their rivals as liars,devils and vermin, not to
mention the wars that arehappening when a defeat comes
together with unnecessarydestruction.
Competitive urges may alsopervade our lives in many other
areas, like think about it whohas the biggest house, whose kid
(04:25):
goes to the better college, orwho drives the better car, or
who has the most prestigious job, or who is better looking, or
who's more fitter, or who ismore popular, or who's more
intelligent.
There's always this comparisonright.
People regularly make suchcomparisons and often feel like
(04:45):
they're in competition withtheir friends and acquaintances,
whether or not they realize it.
As long as it's not apreoccupation or a source of
great distress, this is normal.
Competition is everywhere.
Healthy competition becomestoxic when you add in the
(05:07):
element of triumph and I don'tmean that word in its positive
sense, as in.
His victory was a triumph ofself-discipline and fortitude.
The added element of triumph Ihave in mind goes hand in hand
with the humiliation of others.
Or I'm better than you, I'mbetter than others.
(05:31):
That is what differentiateshealthy competition from toxic
competition.
In this sense, when you arevictorious, it means there must
be a contemptible loser, and theloser is not going to be me.
The frame of how you experienceothers is through this lens of
(05:52):
there's a winner and there's aloser.
Your best doesn't even apply inthis instance.
Seeing others go down in defeatis a significant part of the
gratification.
Go down in defeat is asignificant part of the
gratification.
Feeling superior to and betterthan those that are losers is
the goal.
(06:12):
So this feeling is morecommonplace than you may expect.
Why, after all, do so manypeople tune into reality-based
TV shows like American Idol backin the day was so awful, or
even the Voice, where week afterweek, you would have losers who
would be dismissed from thecompetition by the judges, who
(06:35):
were often dismissing them indegrading ways, and many viewers
derived so much satisfactionfrom witnessing this kind of
humiliation, no doubtidentifying with the triumphant
winner or the judge.
So triumph can be seen as adefense mechanism.
It's one way to distract theconscious mind from an
(06:59):
uncomfortable or painful feelingor thought.
So a preoccupation with triumph, the triumphant winning, can be
a way to escape from a feelingof low self-esteem or an
underlying feeling of shame, todisprove feelings of damage and
to project them onto the otherperson, the inferior and
(07:22):
contemptible loser, because if Itriumph over you, I shore up my
self-esteem, making myself feelbetter as a way to escape the
feelings of shame.
This kind of thinking alsoserves to ward off possible
feelings of envy.
Envy is one of those feelingsthat is much more primal in
(07:44):
nature, where someone hassomething desirable that you
want to possess for yourself ordestroy it in the other.
How you deal with feelings ofenvy is to really acknowledge
the feelings.
Surprisingly, it's much betterto come to terms with one's
feelings of envy so that one canuse it constructively, like for
(08:04):
self-improvement, than to avoidenvy by trying to dominate or
destroy the other.
You know, I've had clients, andI have clients currently who are
so competitive and consumed bywinning that virtually every
aspect of their interactionswith other people become a basis
(08:24):
for comparison.
Like a writer, for example, whoalways measures other men's
watches to make sure that theirRolex is better.
Or an entrepreneur who feelsinferior because her husband
couldn't afford a naturaldiamond the same as her friends.
Or, more than that, like onehaving an attractive client
(08:50):
whose first mental act uponentering a social situation is
to decide if he or she was thebest looking or the best dressed
person in the room.
These are the psychologicalgames that a person can play on
a daily basis.
I mean, all these clients havealso struggled with the issues
(09:12):
of shame, which is usually atthe root of toxic competition
and triumph.
I've known other clients whotried entirely to avoid
competition for similar reasons,although they were secretly
just as competitive in spirit.
Even healthy competitioninvolves some degree of shame
for those who don't win.
(09:33):
But most of us have developedways of managing our feelings
and behaviors to mitigate theshame.
You know, good sportsmanshipmeans not gloating in triumph or
ridiculing others.
Even if winning represents thehighest good, we praise the
dignity in defeat.
No one likes a sore loser.
Also, when you lose or fail,you don't tattoo yourself with
(09:58):
it.
You try to reframe theexperience as an opportunity to
learn from disappointingexpectations.
So let's turn the lens on youand ask yourself how competitive
are you?
So next time you go to a partyor a social function or you have
to meet or converse with somepeople, pay close attention to
(10:20):
your first exchanges, the firstthoughts and feelings that go
through your mind.
Thoughts and feelings that gothrough your mind.
Listen to how you representyourself, or they represent
themselves, and describe whatyou do.
Are you trying to make it seemif you're winning over them or
(10:41):
you're comparing yourself.
We all like to put our bestfoot forward, but does the other
person make it seem like he orshe is so all well put together
that it makes you feel bad?
Are you interested in findingout about other people or are
you simply waiting for anopening to talk about yourself
in a way that will make you lookgood?
(11:02):
Or invite some friends over fora game, which is also another
study of competition?
How do you feel if you win?
How badly do you feel if youlose?
Do you move on quickly fromeither one or do you find
yourself dwelling on it way waytoo long after the game has
(11:24):
ended, reliving the thrill orthe victory or the agony of
defeat?
These are all things that youcan do to really think and be
insightful about your thoughtsand feelings around competition.
But remember, while competitionis a part of life, an excessive
(11:47):
desire to win and triumph overothers may be a sign of hidden
insecurities such as lowself-esteem and shame, and we
don't want to be ruled by ourfeelings.
We want to be in control of ourfeelings so that they don't
take over us, but we actuallymanage them.
That's all I got.
(12:08):
Take care, be well.
I hope you enjoyed this episodeof Dark Matters with Dr Shamina
.
Thank you for listening in.
You can find me atshaminajohnsoncom.
All the links of where you canfind me are in the show summary.
Come back often and make sureyou subscribe, rate and review,
(12:29):
because I'd love to hear yourcomments and remember either you
deal with your feelings or theydeal with you.
See you guys soon.
Thank you.
Everyday psychology to help youbecome conscious and aware.
It's about understanding andit's about empowerment so that
you can take control of yourlife in this challenging world.
So what do you say?
Let's dive in.
Hi and welcome to anotherepisode of Dark Matters with Dr
(00:43):
Shemina.
I'm your host, dr Shemina, sowelcome back and thank you for
tuning in.
So today I'm gonna talk about atopic, and the topic is on
competition.
Competition is a fundamentalpart of human behavior that
permeates all facts of our lives, from sports and academics to
(01:06):
the workplace and our socialinteractions.
It drives us all to strive forexcellence, pushing the
boundaries of our capabilities.
However, the psychology ofcompetition is very complex.
It encompasses not only themotivation to succeed, but also
(01:26):
the emotional responses thatarise from competing against
others that can make it toxic.
Factors such as self-esteem,shame, social comparison and the
desire for recognition playsignificant roles in how
individuals engage withcompetition.
So understanding thesepsychological dynamics can
(01:48):
provide valuable insights intoour behaviors and our
relationships with others.
So let's dive in for myinsights into understanding
competition on a little bit moreof a deep level.
So lately and I'm not sure thereason why, but I've been
(02:28):
hearing a lot about competitionfrom my male clients and I just
thought it would be reallyinteresting to talk a little bit
about competition.
And you know, the truth is isthat competition is really a
fact of life.
Most of us can reallyunderstand the desire to win at
(02:54):
games, you know, get the highestgrade in class or bring home a
medal or a trophy at a marathon,you know, playing sports, I
think, provides an outlet forcompetitive urges and even
watching your favoriteprofessional teams allows us to
vicariously compete through them.
You know, this is especiallytrue when many of us like tuned
into the 2024 Olympics in Paristhis year and also the football
(03:14):
season is underway.
I have my partner and I alsohave my you know my father, who
are avid.
You know my father, who wereavid.
You know football fans.
So you see this competitivenesslike in how you know each team
actually, you know, goes againsteach other.
But also I want to highlightthe competitive language used to
(03:37):
describe the win of yourfavorite sports teams against
the rival.
You know, you usually hearexpressions like we destroyed
them, we smashed them and so on,and that's in sports, right.
But then you can even observethis even more seriously in the
political climate that we're inright now how the far right will
(04:00):
describe their rivals as liars,devils and vermin, not to
mention the wars that arehappening when a defeat comes
together with unnecessarydestruction.
Competitive urges may alsopervade our lives in many other
areas, like think about it whohas the biggest house, whose kid
(04:25):
goes to the better college, orwho drives the better car, or
who has the most prestigious job, or who is better looking, or
who's more fitter, or who ismore popular, or who's more
intelligent.
There's always this comparisonright.
People regularly make suchcomparisons and often feel like
(04:45):
they're in competition withtheir friends and acquaintances,
whether or not they realize it.
As long as it's not apreoccupation or a source of
great distress, this is normal.
Competition is everywhere.
Healthy competition becomestoxic when you add in the
(05:07):
element of triumph and I don'tmean that word in its positive
sense, as in.
His victory was a triumph ofself-discipline and fortitude.
The added element of triumph Ihave in mind goes hand in hand
with the humiliation of others.
Or I'm better than you, I'mbetter than others.
(05:31):
That is what differentiateshealthy competition from toxic
competition.
In this sense, when you arevictorious, it means there must
be a contemptible loser, and theloser is not going to be me.
The frame of how you experienceothers is through this lens of
(05:52):
there's a winner and there's aloser.
Your best doesn't even apply inthis instance.
Seeing others go down in defeatis a significant part of the
gratification.
Go down in defeat is asignificant part of the
gratification.
Feeling superior to and betterthan those that are losers is
the goal.
(06:12):
So this feeling is morecommonplace than you may expect.
Why, after all, do so manypeople tune into reality-based
TV shows like American Idol backin the day was so awful, or
even the Voice, where week afterweek, you would have losers who
would be dismissed from thecompetition by the judges, who
(06:35):
were often dismissing them indegrading ways, and many viewers
derived so much satisfactionfrom witnessing this kind of
humiliation, no doubtidentifying with the triumphant
winner or the judge.
So triumph can be seen as adefense mechanism.
It's one way to distract theconscious mind from an
(06:59):
uncomfortable or painful feelingor thought.
So a preoccupation with triumph, the triumphant winning, can be
a way to escape from a feelingof low self-esteem or an
underlying feeling of shame, todisprove feelings of damage and
to project them onto the otherperson, the inferior and
(07:22):
contemptible loser, because if Itriumph over you, I shore up my
self-esteem, making myself feelbetter as a way to escape the
feelings of shame.
This kind of thinking alsoserves to ward off possible
feelings of envy.
Envy is one of those feelingsthat is much more primal in
(07:44):
nature, where someone hassomething desirable that you
want to possess for yourself ordestroy it in the other.
How you deal with feelings ofenvy is to really acknowledge
the feelings.
Surprisingly, it's much betterto come to terms with one's
feelings of envy so that one canuse it constructively, like for
(08:04):
self-improvement, than to avoidenvy by trying to dominate or
destroy the other.
You know, I've had clients, andI have clients currently who are
so competitive and consumed bywinning that virtually every
aspect of their interactionswith other people become a basis
(08:24):
for comparison.
Like a writer, for example, whoalways measures other men's
watches to make sure that theirRolex is better.
Or an entrepreneur who feelsinferior because her husband
couldn't afford a naturaldiamond the same as her friends.
Or, more than that, like onehaving an attractive client
(08:50):
whose first mental act uponentering a social situation is
to decide if he or she was thebest looking or the best dressed
person in the room.
These are the psychologicalgames that a person can play on
a daily basis.
I mean, all these clients havealso struggled with the issues
(09:12):
of shame, which is usually atthe root of toxic competition
and triumph.
I've known other clients whotried entirely to avoid
competition for similar reasons,although they were secretly
just as competitive in spirit.
Even healthy competitioninvolves some degree of shame
for those who don't win.
(09:33):
But most of us have developedways of managing our feelings
and behaviors to mitigate theshame.
You know, good sportsmanshipmeans not gloating in triumph or
ridiculing others.
Even if winning represents thehighest good, we praise the
dignity in defeat.
No one likes a sore loser.
Also, when you lose or fail,you don't tattoo yourself with
(09:58):
it.
You try to reframe theexperience as an opportunity to
learn from disappointingexpectations.
So let's turn the lens on youand ask yourself how competitive
are you?
So next time you go to a partyor a social function or you have
to meet or converse with somepeople, pay close attention to
(10:20):
your first exchanges, the firstthoughts and feelings that go
through your mind.
Thoughts and feelings that gothrough your mind.
Listen to how you representyourself, or they represent
themselves, and describe whatyou do.
Are you trying to make it seemif you're winning over them or
(10:41):
you're comparing yourself.
We all like to put our bestfoot forward, but does the other
person make it seem like he orshe is so all well put together
that it makes you feel bad?
Are you interested in findingout about other people or are
you simply waiting for anopening to talk about yourself
in a way that will make you lookgood?
(11:02):
Or invite some friends over fora game, which is also another
study of competition?
How do you feel if you win?
How badly do you feel if youlose?
Do you move on quickly fromeither one or do you find
yourself dwelling on it way waytoo long after the game has
(11:24):
ended, reliving the thrill orthe victory or the agony of
defeat?
These are all things that youcan do to really think and be
insightful about your thoughtsand feelings around competition.
But remember, while competitionis a part of life, an excessive
(11:47):
desire to win and triumph overothers may be a sign of hidden
insecurities such as lowself-esteem and shame, and we
don't want to be ruled by ourfeelings.
We want to be in control of ourfeelings so that they don't
take over us, but we actuallymanage them.
That's all I got.
(12:08):
Take care, be well.
I hope you enjoyed this episodeof Dark Matters with Dr Shamina
.
Thank you for listening in.
You can find me atshaminajohnsoncom.
All the links of where you canfind me are in the show summary.
Come back often and make sureyou subscribe, rate and review,
(12:29):
because I'd love to hear yourcomments and remember either you
deal with your feelings or theydeal with you.
See you guys soon.
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