July 8, 2023 • 17 mins
Ever feel like you're drowning in your own emotions? That's where we're heading today on Dark Matters. I'm your host, Dr. Shemena Johnson, ready to guide you showing you that it's okay, even essential, to acknowledge and express what's churning inside. We'll tackle how our mental health is often linked to our ability to process and articulate our emotions. We'll also discuss how expressing our feelings is not a sign of weakness but a trait that makes us truly human.
Get in touch with Dr. Shemena
· Tweet me at @ShemenaJohnson
· Follow me on IG at @DrShemenaJohnson
· Email me at info@shemenajohnson.com
Thank you for listening!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Shemena (00:05):
Hi, you're listening to Dr Shemena Johnson
and this is Dark Matters with DrShemena, the podcast that
focuses on learning to becomeconscious and aware so that you
can take control of your life inthis very challenging world.
So what do you say?
Let's get into it.
Hi, this is Dr Shemena Johnson,your host of Dark Matters.
(00:38):
I'm happy to be back andsharing some information and
hopes that it gives you someinsight and helps you move
forward and kind of breakingthrough psychologically.
So if this is your first timelistening in, I just want to say
welcome, I'm glad that you'retuning in.
If you are familiar with mypodcast, i just want to say
(01:03):
welcome back and thanks forlistening in and continuing,
even in your own journey.
So today I want to talk aboutfeelings.
I think so much of a part that'sa part of my work with clients
is helping individuals name theunnameable, and it may sound
(01:32):
very simplistic, but it's such apowerful form of
acknowledgement, like whenyou're able to name what you
feel What it does is.
It really helps you overcomeobstacles, obstacles that will
(01:53):
only eventually help you grow.
The acknowledgement is such ahigh value because if you can
name it, then you can also worktowards resolving it if there's
a resolution that's needed.
But it helps you really look atyourself and see that you are a
human being, a humanfunctioning being that has
(02:17):
feelings.
And over the course of my workI've realized that and explored
that the genesis of mentalhealth, such as like anxiety and
depression, is when we'rereally feeling something
powerful, like underneath thesurface, internally, and then we
(02:41):
repress it or we ignore it orwe just don't talk about it.
Like that is really the genesisof mental health, like the
struggles with anxiety anddepression, and it's such an
interesting phenomenon why we dothis to ourselves, like why do
(03:03):
we feel this need to say toourselves pay no attention to
this person behind the curtain.
Like let's not pay attention tothat side of us?
Like how many times have yousaid to someone that may have
(03:24):
asked, like I'm feeling okay andyou know you're not?
or you will see friends orfamily members that aren't doing
well, and they may say they'redoing okay and you know that
they're not, but you let it go,you continue to move forward.
How can we do this to ourselves?
(03:48):
We ignore and pay no attentionto the person behind the curtain
.
And it's not that we all don'thave psychological challenges,
you know.
But the real problem is thecover-up.
The feelings that we all feelon a daily basis is never the
(04:10):
crime.
It's always the cover-up thathurts us, sounds like I'm
insecure, i'm lonely, i'm sad,i'm embarrassed.
These are all normal humanfeelings.
I mean, if you were to do apoll with your friends, your
(04:35):
family, your partner, yourcolleagues, they have all, i'm
sure, felt these feelings tosome degree during the course of
their life.
You know, one of the realbeauties of being able to talk
openly about how we feel is thatwe get a chance to hold
(04:56):
ourselves in high regard andrecognize that we are all flawed
individuals dealing with issuesthat are universal.
So the question is why do weresist this, avoid or hide what
we're feeling?
only to the detriment ofourselves?
I mean, when I think about it,i have a thought.
(05:19):
Like mostly everyone, like Icould probably diagnose the
world right now with generalizedanxiety, disorder or depression
, all pretty universal, givenespecially what we're going
through.
(05:39):
You know it's crazy times rightnow.
If that is the case, like somany people experiencing anxiety
at many different levels on amicro level, on a macro level,
interpersonally, interpersonally, you know, relationally then
why do we continue to ignore ourfeelings.
You know the need to hide fromuncomfortable feelings is what
(06:04):
prevents many individuals fromdoing what your intellect tells
you that's good for you.
You know this idea of I don'twant to talk about this part of
myself.
I just want to hide it away Alot of the times.
It really depends on how yougrew up.
You know when it's not safe tobe open with what you feel.
(06:27):
If you experience growing up,if your experience growing up
was left you feeling uncertain,maybe unsure about what's going
on inside and outside of you,and all you want to do is jump
out of your skin, leave thatpart of you behind and be
someone else, maybe you decideat that moment that you just
(06:50):
want to be a good child, beperfect, high achiever.
I don't want no trouble, i justwant to stay in my lane and
excel.
Because maybe someone in yourfamily ignored, maybe didn't
have the bandwidth for yourfeelings, or maybe was depressed
, anxious, or the environmentwas just chaotic and everyone in
(07:11):
the family just needed to justfocus on themselves.
In that moment you decide thatI don't want to exhaust the
family resources.
I'll just be a good child, i'llmake good grades, i'll tidy up,
i will not cause I'm not gonnacause any trouble with my needs
(07:35):
to be seen or heard orunderstood And in a lot of ways,
implicitly, your family thanksyou for not being too much and
you feel validated.
In that moment you becomeexactly what your family needs
you to be.
(07:57):
But then that child grows upinto an adult and usually I see
that person in my therapy roomand they share with me that
they're anxious, depressed andhave troubled relationships.
And I think to myself why?
Why would this person need tobe in troubled relationships or
(08:20):
have this experience?
Because there's something inthis person's background that
indicates why they might feelcomfort being able to be around
troubled people.
Why has it become this person'srole to be such a good child
where they say let's not worryabout me, let me just worry
(08:43):
about you.
And on some deep level, thischild, who is now an adult, has
learned to pay no attention orthink about what he or she feels
or wants.
They have no concept of whathappens internally with them.
Because there's so much energy,psychic energy, focus outward,
(09:07):
with managing people, makingsure that they have their needs
are met and maybe with the hopes, the internal wishes that I can
take care of them, then maybethey'll take care of me.
But you begin this pattern ofoutsourcing your emotional
stability to other things likework, maybe substances, food,
(09:32):
partners, friends, as a way tocope, make yourself feel better.
That becomes problematic.
I mean you might be askingmyself like why am I kind of
giving you this long story aboutthis?
Because it's because many ofthe ways we've learned to
validate ourselves, get love orhow to be in the world is shaped
(09:54):
by our upbringing and cultureat large.
The implicit and explicitmessages on how to be are
constantly reinforced.
And when these individuals comeinto my room they present with
what I call like a fever.
It's like a fever without theunderstanding of what's
(10:18):
happening internally And itusually comes in the form of
anxiety and depression.
And then I'll have to look back, i have to carbon copy these
experiences of this person toget a sense of their sense of
self and their identity and howit was all shaped.
(10:38):
You know, one of the primarygoals of therapy is to make the
unconscious conscious, and thiscan be a very challenging task
because a lot of times, like allof our psychological defenses
that are in place are committedTo prevent self exploration.
(11:00):
So whenever deeper feelings arethreatened with exposure, you
might find yourself moving intoa defensive position And before
you know it you're actingdefensively without knowing what
is driving your behavior.
And the way out of this cycle isto bring uncomfortable feelings
(11:20):
and thoughts to the forefrontof your awareness, like
identifying, naming theinvisible feelings, naming the
feelings, because then thosefeelings can be acknowledged and
if they are acknowledged, thenthey can be dealt with.
You know, these uncomfortablefeelings don't just end at work,
(11:42):
you know, like not just inrelationships either.
They're kind of universal,they're ubiquitous, they're all
carried with us when, in ourfriendships, our relationships,
all the way around, all throughlife.
So when I'm thinking about howsomebody feels and if I ask you,
(12:06):
how are you feeling?
and you say fine, which may betrue, but can I say, are you
able to say to yourself I don'tknow how I feel, are you able to
acknowledge that to yourself?
Or maybe say you know I'mfeeling sad.
(12:28):
I mean you might even feelembarrassed, i don't know.
But if I can say what I feeland identify it, then I have a
chance of really representingmyself to the world with a sense
of dignity and respect.
This is who I am, you know.
(12:51):
Resistance or avoidance is oneof those psychological concepts
that most people understand tosome degree, like it reminds me
of, like the 12 step programsthat you know promote awareness
of the concept of it's a basicstep in addressing addiction,
which is to admit that you arein fact an addict rather than to
(13:15):
remain in denial about it.
I would say the same thing toyou.
It meant that you feel sad.
It meant that you feel insecure, it meant that you're anxious.
This concept is a simple one.
Basically, an unacceptable factexists, one that conflicts with
(13:41):
our own wishes and beliefs, andso we resist or ignore that,
which is true Like I'll give youan example on how other ways
that we avoid or we ignore ouremotions and our feelings.
Like maybe you have a partnerthat says or does something to
(14:02):
you that's really cruel and verymean, and you feel the sting of
it and you're hurt, but yourationalize it and you minimize
it and you say, oh, it's notthat bad, i can take it, they
didn't mean it.
Or, on the flip side, i'll go alittle bit more closer to the
(14:29):
internal feelings within you.
What if you have angry feelings, angry feelings towards your
father or your mother, and in aneffort to be happy and just be
harmonious, and just beharmonious with them and see
them.
You ignore your true feelingstowards them.
(14:51):
You keep the feelings at bayand then you rationalize again
Well, my mom or my dad did thebest that they could, so I
should be grateful.
I shouldn't be angry at them,which both can be true.
I can be angry while alsoknowing that my parents are the
(15:13):
best that they could.
Again, it's not.
Why do we avoid ourselves andignore our real, true feelings?
Do you ever notice that you endup telling yourself something
repeatedly?
Before a long time, you toldyourself that same, something
that learned out later turnedout to be false Like I'm not
(15:38):
that angry, but really I amangry On some level.
Didn't you know it all along?
You know it's not thatpsychologically healthy people
don't have issues, because,again, we're all flawed
individuals.
(16:00):
Logically, healthy people havethem, but the one thing that the
difference is is that they havethe ability to talk openly and
freely about their feelings.
Like if I go to someone and askhow are you doing, and they say
I'm not feeling well, and yousay what's wrong, that is a sign
(16:20):
of health.
Even if someone said that toyou, approached you that way,
you know the person that cannottalk about their feelings openly
has shame, insecurity and it'sall closeted away.
(16:46):
The healthier person owns whatthey feel and is able to be open
.
It humanizes us.
You know, when you're a goodfriend to yourself, you wouldn't
do anything to hurt yourself,right?
You decide that you want totreat yourself well And what
(17:11):
that means is understandingyourself, understanding your
circumstances and what broughtyou to this place, because I'm a
big believer in when you don'tdeal with your feelings, they
deal with you.
Thanks, take care and be well.
(17:32):
Thank you for listening to DarkMatters with Dr Shemena.
Please don't forget to sharethis on social media and I'll
catch you next time.
Hi, you're listening to Dr Shemena Johnson
and this is Dark Matters with DrShemena, the podcast that
focuses on learning to becomeconscious and aware so that you
can take control of your life inthis very challenging world.
So what do you say?
Let's get into it.
Hi, this is Dr Shemena Johnson,your host of Dark Matters.
(00:38):
I'm happy to be back andsharing some information and
hopes that it gives you someinsight and helps you move
forward and kind of breakingthrough psychologically.
So if this is your first timelistening in, I just want to say
welcome, I'm glad that you'retuning in.
If you are familiar with mypodcast, i just want to say
(01:03):
welcome back and thanks forlistening in and continuing,
even in your own journey.
So today I want to talk aboutfeelings.
I think so much of a part that'sa part of my work with clients
is helping individuals name theunnameable, and it may sound
(01:32):
very simplistic, but it's such apowerful form of
acknowledgement, like whenyou're able to name what you
feel What it does is.
It really helps you overcomeobstacles, obstacles that will
(01:53):
only eventually help you grow.
The acknowledgement is such ahigh value because if you can
name it, then you can also worktowards resolving it if there's
a resolution that's needed.
But it helps you really look atyourself and see that you are a
human being, a humanfunctioning being that has
(02:17):
feelings.
And over the course of my workI've realized that and explored
that the genesis of mentalhealth, such as like anxiety and
depression, is when we'rereally feeling something
powerful, like underneath thesurface, internally, and then we
(02:41):
repress it or we ignore it orwe just don't talk about it.
Like that is really the genesisof mental health, like the
struggles with anxiety anddepression, and it's such an
interesting phenomenon why we dothis to ourselves, like why do
(03:03):
we feel this need to say toourselves pay no attention to
this person behind the curtain.
Like let's not pay attention tothat side of us?
Like how many times have yousaid to someone that may have
(03:24):
asked, like I'm feeling okay andyou know you're not?
or you will see friends orfamily members that aren't doing
well, and they may say they'redoing okay and you know that
they're not, but you let it go,you continue to move forward.
How can we do this to ourselves?
(03:48):
We ignore and pay no attentionto the person behind the curtain
.
And it's not that we all don'thave psychological challenges,
you know.
But the real problem is thecover-up.
The feelings that we all feelon a daily basis is never the
(04:10):
crime.
It's always the cover-up thathurts us, sounds like I'm
insecure, i'm lonely, i'm sad,i'm embarrassed.
These are all normal humanfeelings.
I mean, if you were to do apoll with your friends, your
(04:35):
family, your partner, yourcolleagues, they have all, i'm
sure, felt these feelings tosome degree during the course of
their life.
You know, one of the realbeauties of being able to talk
openly about how we feel is thatwe get a chance to hold
(04:56):
ourselves in high regard andrecognize that we are all flawed
individuals dealing with issuesthat are universal.
So the question is why do weresist this, avoid or hide what
we're feeling?
only to the detriment ofourselves?
I mean, when I think about it,i have a thought.
(05:19):
Like mostly everyone, like Icould probably diagnose the
world right now with generalizedanxiety, disorder or depression
, all pretty universal, givenespecially what we're going
through.
(05:39):
You know it's crazy times rightnow.
If that is the case, like somany people experiencing anxiety
at many different levels on amicro level, on a macro level,
interpersonally, interpersonally, you know, relationally then
why do we continue to ignore ourfeelings.
You know the need to hide fromuncomfortable feelings is what
(06:04):
prevents many individuals fromdoing what your intellect tells
you that's good for you.
You know this idea of I don'twant to talk about this part of
myself.
I just want to hide it away Alot of the times.
It really depends on how yougrew up.
You know when it's not safe tobe open with what you feel.
(06:27):
If you experience growing up,if your experience growing up
was left you feeling uncertain,maybe unsure about what's going
on inside and outside of you,and all you want to do is jump
out of your skin, leave thatpart of you behind and be
someone else, maybe you decideat that moment that you just
(06:50):
want to be a good child, beperfect, high achiever.
I don't want no trouble, i justwant to stay in my lane and
excel.
Because maybe someone in yourfamily ignored, maybe didn't
have the bandwidth for yourfeelings, or maybe was depressed
, anxious, or the environmentwas just chaotic and everyone in
(07:11):
the family just needed to justfocus on themselves.
In that moment you decide thatI don't want to exhaust the
family resources.
I'll just be a good child, i'llmake good grades, i'll tidy up,
i will not cause I'm not gonnacause any trouble with my needs
(07:35):
to be seen or heard orunderstood And in a lot of ways,
implicitly, your family thanksyou for not being too much and
you feel validated.
In that moment you becomeexactly what your family needs
you to be.
(07:57):
But then that child grows upinto an adult and usually I see
that person in my therapy roomand they share with me that
they're anxious, depressed andhave troubled relationships.
And I think to myself why?
Why would this person need tobe in troubled relationships or
(08:20):
have this experience?
Because there's something inthis person's background that
indicates why they might feelcomfort being able to be around
troubled people.
Why has it become this person'srole to be such a good child
where they say let's not worryabout me, let me just worry
(08:43):
about you.
And on some deep level, thischild, who is now an adult, has
learned to pay no attention orthink about what he or she feels
or wants.
They have no concept of whathappens internally with them.
Because there's so much energy,psychic energy, focus outward,
(09:07):
with managing people, makingsure that they have their needs
are met and maybe with the hopes, the internal wishes that I can
take care of them, then maybethey'll take care of me.
But you begin this pattern ofoutsourcing your emotional
stability to other things likework, maybe substances, food,
(09:32):
partners, friends, as a way tocope, make yourself feel better.
That becomes problematic.
I mean you might be askingmyself like why am I kind of
giving you this long story aboutthis?
Because it's because many ofthe ways we've learned to
validate ourselves, get love orhow to be in the world is shaped
(09:54):
by our upbringing and cultureat large.
The implicit and explicitmessages on how to be are
constantly reinforced.
And when these individuals comeinto my room they present with
what I call like a fever.
It's like a fever without theunderstanding of what's
(10:18):
happening internally And itusually comes in the form of
anxiety and depression.
And then I'll have to look back, i have to carbon copy these
experiences of this person toget a sense of their sense of
self and their identity and howit was all shaped.
(10:38):
You know, one of the primarygoals of therapy is to make the
unconscious conscious, and thiscan be a very challenging task
because a lot of times, like allof our psychological defenses
that are in place are committedTo prevent self exploration.
(11:00):
So whenever deeper feelings arethreatened with exposure, you
might find yourself moving intoa defensive position And before
you know it you're actingdefensively without knowing what
is driving your behavior.
And the way out of this cycle isto bring uncomfortable feelings
(11:20):
and thoughts to the forefrontof your awareness, like
identifying, naming theinvisible feelings, naming the
feelings, because then thosefeelings can be acknowledged and
if they are acknowledged, thenthey can be dealt with.
You know, these uncomfortablefeelings don't just end at work,
(11:42):
you know, like not just inrelationships either.
They're kind of universal,they're ubiquitous, they're all
carried with us when, in ourfriendships, our relationships,
all the way around, all throughlife.
So when I'm thinking about howsomebody feels and if I ask you,
(12:06):
how are you feeling?
and you say fine, which may betrue, but can I say, are you
able to say to yourself I don'tknow how I feel, are you able to
acknowledge that to yourself?
Or maybe say you know I'mfeeling sad.
(12:28):
I mean you might even feelembarrassed, i don't know.
But if I can say what I feeland identify it, then I have a
chance of really representingmyself to the world with a sense
of dignity and respect.
This is who I am, you know.
(12:51):
Resistance or avoidance is oneof those psychological concepts
that most people understand tosome degree, like it reminds me
of, like the 12 step programsthat you know promote awareness
of the concept of it's a basicstep in addressing addiction,
which is to admit that you arein fact an addict rather than to
(13:15):
remain in denial about it.
I would say the same thing toyou.
It meant that you feel sad.
It meant that you feel insecure, it meant that you're anxious.
This concept is a simple one.
Basically, an unacceptable factexists, one that conflicts with
(13:41):
our own wishes and beliefs, andso we resist or ignore that,
which is true Like I'll give youan example on how other ways
that we avoid or we ignore ouremotions and our feelings.
Like maybe you have a partnerthat says or does something to
(14:02):
you that's really cruel and verymean, and you feel the sting of
it and you're hurt, but yourationalize it and you minimize
it and you say, oh, it's notthat bad, i can take it, they
didn't mean it.
Or, on the flip side, i'll go alittle bit more closer to the
(14:29):
internal feelings within you.
What if you have angry feelings, angry feelings towards your
father or your mother, and in aneffort to be happy and just be
harmonious, and just beharmonious with them and see
them.
You ignore your true feelingstowards them.
(14:51):
You keep the feelings at bayand then you rationalize again
Well, my mom or my dad did thebest that they could, so I
should be grateful.
I shouldn't be angry at them,which both can be true.
I can be angry while alsoknowing that my parents are the
(15:13):
best that they could.
Again, it's not.
Why do we avoid ourselves andignore our real, true feelings?
Do you ever notice that you endup telling yourself something
repeatedly?
Before a long time, you toldyourself that same, something
that learned out later turnedout to be false Like I'm not
(15:38):
that angry, but really I amangry On some level.
Didn't you know it all along?
You know it's not thatpsychologically healthy people
don't have issues, because,again, we're all flawed
individuals.
(16:00):
Logically, healthy people havethem, but the one thing that the
difference is is that they havethe ability to talk openly and
freely about their feelings.
Like if I go to someone and askhow are you doing, and they say
I'm not feeling well, and yousay what's wrong, that is a sign
(16:20):
of health.
Even if someone said that toyou, approached you that way,
you know the person that cannottalk about their feelings openly
has shame, insecurity and it'sall closeted away.
(16:46):
The healthier person owns whatthey feel and is able to be open
.
It humanizes us.
You know, when you're a goodfriend to yourself, you wouldn't
do anything to hurt yourself,right?
You decide that you want totreat yourself well And what
(17:11):
that means is understandingyourself, understanding your
circumstances and what broughtyou to this place, because I'm a
big believer in when you don'tdeal with your feelings, they
deal with you.
Thanks, take care and be well.
(17:32):
Thank you for listening to DarkMatters with Dr Shemena.
Please don't forget to sharethis on social media and I'll
catch you next time.
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