January 3, 2024 • 16 mins
Ever tried to squeeze a fully unpacked suitcase back into its original box? That's what merging two adult lives into a marriage often feels like. Join us as we exchange raw, poignant tales of our personal experiences navigating the realms of commitment. From the struggle of blending diverse lives to the joy of shared triumphs, we draw from the well of wisdom found in my parents and grandparents' enduring marriages. We also dissect the constants of successful marriages - commitment, resilience, and hard work.
The thrill of finding love often comes with the anxiety of meeting societal expectations, as my unconventional love story can attest. Hear about how a Skype call blossomed into a beautiful marriage and the rollercoaster ride to a wedding ceremony we initially didn't want. Then, we pull back the curtain on the often-discussed topic of wedding costs and how it reflects a couple's shared values. Drawing parallels with entrepreneurship, we delve into the often surprising similarities between launching a start-up and starting a family. So buckle up for this emotional ride as we unravel the intricate dance of love, commitment, and the resilience it takes to keep a marriage thriving.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm trying to think through the examples of marriage
that I have in my family and I.
I mean I could be wrong, but Ithink we really all want to end
up there, End up in having acommitted relationship, whether
it's defined by marriage or justdefined by a committed
relationship moving forward in alongterm fashion where you both
die together, I would call thatmarriage.
But my parents, I think, aregreat examples.
(00:23):
They were wildly differentpeople when they met.
My dad is 13 years older thanmy mom.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
He was a and I talked about that at the party, by the
way.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Yeah, he was a grown ass man.
I'm going to say asked me,because he was a grown ass man
and my mom was a grown woman,like he was 39.
She was 26.
And I.
They had to blend two fullyformed adult lives together and
they were married in August.
The next September I was bornand the next October my brother
(00:53):
was born.
So there wasn't a lot of likefiguring out who they were, wow,
and trying to like hey, I don'tlike the way you fold these
napkins or why is your stufflike that in the bathroom, like
that just doesn't logically makesense or whatever the weird
things that you like.
Learn about people, and itreally grates on your nerves.
After a period of time You'reopen to it for a little bit, but
(01:14):
then not anymore because you'relike this is cute, let's get on
with my pattern, you've messedup my pattern, and so they
really didn't have time toreally create these new patterns
.
And my mom tells the story justhow she was not very pleasant
at the very beginning.
My dad is possibly the kindest,softest man that could ever
(01:34):
walk the planet.
He would convince me to comehome in college by making French
toast, because that's myfavorite thing he he makes.
He was like don't you want tocome home?
I'm making French toast?
I went to school an hour awayfrom where I grew up, so it was
not that far for me to go, but Inever went home in college.
But anyway, my mom was not apleasant person and she will
(01:55):
tell you that she reallystruggled with being in New York
because my at the time, my dadworked for the New York Times
and she had lived all of herlife in the South, was born in
the South, grew up in the Southand moved to New York and she
just no one was nice and she wasgrumpy and they didn't have
their own home.
They lived in like a gianthouse that a church bought to be
(02:17):
their church home and so everyweekend she, at any moment in
time, random strangers wouldcome through her house.
So it was like she didn'treally feel settled.
I think is what she wouldprobably say now.
But, knowing all of thatfoundation and who they are like
, when they argue they want tobe right, sure, but they argue
to get past the thing thatthey're arguing about.
I think and I've said thisbefore to many people I think
(02:42):
that the best example andparents have given me is that
they fight in front of us.
I have a brother who's.
I have a brother who's 13months younger than I am.
They would fight in front of usand then we would watch them
apologize and say they weresorry, and usually it happened
in the same day, probably withinlike an hour, two hours.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Did they fight fair most of the time?
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Yes, question mark.
I mean I don't think they likethrow any punches or anything,
but like yeah, I would say so.
They didn't pull up like thingsfrom like 15 years ago of
problems.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
When I say fight and fair people who don't fight fair
, they say things specificallyto upset you or to hurt you.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
So if none of that is happening, then I don't think I
wouldn't say that they did notfight fair.
Anyway, I'm sure that therewere probably moments where that
did happen.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
I just don't remember them, which I think is a great
mark.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
Checkmark mom and dad and my, my grandparents are a
great example.
They've been married for almost60 years 60 some years, I guess
.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
I don't know a long time, yeah, a long time.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
They know life together and don't remember life
not together.
Right, and they're in adifferent phase of life now and,
just like watching their, theirmarriage evolve with their
phases of life, my parentsmarriage has evolved as my
brother and I have gotten older.
They parent much like, in avery different way.
Yeah and that's what I see.
(04:08):
Like I see the hard work of ofspending life with another
person my friends are greatexamples of that like they are
pretty open about, like thestruggles that they're having,
not in a like I'm gonna talktrash, but like a this is where
I am right.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
This is hard Marriage is hard and that's very
important.
I want to say a couple ofthings about that.
Go ahead, let me.
Let me first start by sayingyou know, the story you tell
about your parents is a lot likemy story with my wife, and I
know we've talked, done, done,done, yeah, and your dad and I
had this conversation atChristmas party, right?
Because he said, hey, I'm 13years older than my wife.
(04:44):
I said I'm 13 years older thanmy wife and when I got married,
I was 41 years old and my wifewas 29.
So he and I were having thatparticular conversation.
When we got our anniversary wasNovember 20th and I did a
Facebook post married in 68 daysyeah, because my wife and I
went on our first date inSeptember 2010 and we were
(05:05):
married by November 2010 threemonths, 68 days later, and we
would have gotten marriedearlier.
But you know, you know mywife's from Jamaica and she was
just coming overnight.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
So that's the reason why we waited six years.
Yeah, that's a fair challenge.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
But I bring that up because you know, you know I
have to always disclaim this andsay I would never, ever, ever
recommend Anybody gettingmarried to a woman in 68 days,
like that's something youshouldn't do.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Now I was there exceptions to every rule.
Absolutely like yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
I got lucky in that regard.
But you know, going back to theidea that marriage is hard she
and I were just talking aboutthis the other day the reason
why we are so great today Likeabsolutely great, bulletproof
great.
I honestly feel and I try notto get cocky around this,
because I know that anythingcould happen.
I've seen enough in my 53 yearson this planet, noted anything
(05:58):
can happen, as I try not to getcocky on this.
But I'm at a position with mywife now where I believe there
is absolutely nothing that Icould do though make her say I'm
out of here, and I absolutelyknow that there's nothing she
could do to say Absolutely outof here.
But you don't get to that point.
You don't get to the point ofstrong relationship without
Exercise, if you will, withoutwithout the work that it's just
(06:21):
like anything else.
You won't get big musclesunless you go lift something
heavy.
You won't get a strongrelationship unless you go
through something heavy, andwe've gone through some heavy
things in our.
I tell people that I've beensuccessfully married for 12
years.
Right, I don't use word happilymarried for 12 years, because
there's a little years in ourmarriage where she was miserable
.
There were years when I wasmiserable right, and I will
(06:44):
often hear people, specificallymen, will say to me you guys
talk about how hard marriage is.
Why would anybody ever want toget married?
The analogy I use isentrepreneurship.
I think about the fact thatpeople start business fair
visual.
Yeah, well, think about it somepeople start businesses and some
get lucky and business takesoff year one, year two and they
(07:04):
live happily ever after for along time.
They will eventually get sued.
They will eventually, you know,store burns down or you know
COVID closes down theirrestaurant.
Those things will happenSometime, like, and you'll
either work through it and getto the other side of it or
you'll, you know, you'll go bust.
Now there's the other side ofthat.
Entrepreneurship is there?
(07:25):
People start businesses andit's not till 10 years later
that they finally get sometraction and now they can quit
their other job and now they canlive like nobody else has lived
.
Right but that's the way I thinkabout it, that's the way I
analogize it when I when I thinkabout marriage.
Sometimes people get marriedand they're great for a long
time.
They might run into a snageventually, but they're great
for a long time.
(07:45):
And then there are times when,like we got married and you know
, I adventure to say that withinweeks we felt like we were in
trouble.
Right, yeah, let me give.
Let me give you the rest of thestory.
So it's absolutely true that Iwent on my first date with her
that September is absolutelytrue that we got married 68 days
later.
But the full story is Iactually met her early in the
(08:08):
year, in April, and she was onher way back to Jamaica and I
reached out to her.
I shot my shot on Facebook dayshe was on her way back to
Jamaica and we had a six monthlong courtship over Skype If you
guys remember Skype and duringthose conversations I got a
chance to know what type ofwoman she was and I had done the
(08:29):
work on myself, so I knewexactly what I was looking for
in a wife.
And this is let me side notehere and say this is what I say
to clients often.
One of my very first questionsto people when I meet them is
tell me about the person you'relooking for.
And they'll say, hmm, I don'tknow, let me think, let's see.
And then we'll start rattlingoff some stuff and I say to them
(08:49):
you've never thought about thisquestion before.
Like, if you don't know whatthat person looks like, how will
you know when they?
Speaker 1 (08:56):
show up.
Sometimes people don't wanna betoo quick to answer that
question, and I think you canprobably tell the difference
between someone who hasn't everthought of it and someone who
isn't too quick.
Cause I think I paused for asecond when you said that, cause
I was like, oh, here's where Iget to be really judgmental.
We just met.
This is great.
Yeah, I get that.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
So the whole point of me asking that question is if
you haven't thought about it, gothink about it, and if you have
thought about it, let's try tohone it in, because I can
promise you that if you knowwhat that person looks like, you
will recognize them when theyshow up.
And if they have a little bitof dust on them or somebody you
know it's the right person.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Do you see the?
Speaker 2 (09:37):
good bones, but if you haven't put any thought
behind it, then that personcomes and goes.
Now let's go back to mysituation.
My situation was such that Iwanted to be married when I was
23 years old and I've readhundreds of books from age 23
all the way up to 50.
So for the next 25 years Ididn't see any signs of being
married.
But I will say I took all theassessments that I could think
(09:59):
of whether it be.
I did Myers-Briggs and we didthis, and I did love languages.
I was doing the work and when Idated, I dated with purpose.
I dated to better understandwhat it is I like about this
person and why.
What it is I can deal with thewoman and what I can't, what it
(10:20):
is I need in order to befulfilled and you know, whatever
it is.
But you got to learn aboutyourself, right, yeah, which is
the next piece of the formula.
Actually, that's the first partof the formula.
The second part of the formulais after you know about yourself
.
Now figure out what it is thatyou need in a person to be happy
for the rest of your life.
So that was what my situationwas.
(10:40):
So, wrapping that all back upinto this story about me, those
six months that I spent on Skypewith this woman helped me to
understand that, wow, everythingthat I ever said that I was
looking for in a woman, that wasit right.
The only objection I had at thetime was that she lived in
Jamaica.
So I told her I wouldn't dateher, because I can't date a girl
who's in Jamaica and I'm herein the US.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
So when she came here and what, she Did she come here
to date you?
Speaker 2 (11:04):
No no, actually no, she came.
If you were to ask her, shewould say, yes, she came here to
marry you.
She knew it was for the longgame, so I didn't see that at
the time, but nonetheless thatwhole story was-.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Good job, debbie.
Where to hide that?
Speaker 2 (11:21):
That whole story was just really to highlight the
fact that I really felt like Idid the work and that way I was
able to recognize her.
When I found her and then, youknow, and I remember the day I
got engaged to her, I called mydad and I said to myself why do
people wait years after theyBecause the ring to me is the
commitment to say, hey, I'mready to spend the rest of my
life with you, so what sensedoes it make to spend another
(11:42):
two years?
Because I will say this one ofthe reasons that I decided I
wanted to marry this woman isbecause she said she didn't want
a wedding.
Now she Well, and not that I'magainst weddings, because I'm
all for weddings for people whocan afford weddings but I've
seen far too many people doweddings and ruin their lives
and, like people, are stillpaying for weddings and they're
already divorced.
(12:04):
Like and I just think that'sasinine.
You know, I used to be aprofessional photographer and I
did a lot of photography atweddings and I would talk to
grooms after these weddings andthe vibe that I got from them
after spending $20,000, $30,000,$50,000, $80,000, the vibe that
I got from them is that that'sit Like very anti-climactic
right you get some photos thatlast forever.
(12:24):
Yeah.
So she said to me in one ofthose Skype calls.
She said can we not have awedding and let's get some
matrimonial max?
And when she said that to me Iwas like like Mac, like computer
Mac yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Yeah, yeah that is so clever she said she wanted
matrimonial max.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
I said I want to marry this lady.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Oh my gosh.
So how many max have you hadsince then?
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Oh my God, oh my goodness, too many to count.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Okay, okay, it started with some matrimonial
ones, Really really too many tocount.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
But you know Did you?
Speaker 1 (12:54):
have like a party or something Like I'm very
concerned about a party, yeah.
So I love a good celebration.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Listen, we had.
We ended up having a wedding,but let me tell you how the
wedding went down.
So the church I was a part ofat the time she was very close
to the leadership of the church,right, and I was on the media
team.
I did the photographer for thechurch at the time.
Long story short, she broughtme into the fold, behind the
curtain, with the leadership,pastors and all of that kind of
(13:20):
stuff.
They decided that she would behappier if she had a wedding.
She had already said I don'twant a wedding, but they decided
you really do want a wedding.
Intrigued, you just don't knowthat you want a wedding.
You'd be happier if you want awedding.
Now she was crying on myshoulder at night saying I
really don't want a weddingbecause she's a very introverted
person, right, and she doesn'tlike the idea of being the
(13:40):
center of attention Like that.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
just terrifies me, and that is a core difference
between Debbie and Anna Bevin.
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
But she genuinely did not want a wedding right.
But it was tough to fight theleadership of the church, you
know, because you gotta respectand all that kind of stuff.
So what I said as the newhusband?
I said listen people, my wifedoes not want a wedding and if
y'all want to wedding, that badyou pay for a wedding.
If you pay for a wedding, we'llshow up that way.
Ooh, shots fired.
They paid for a wedding, theypaid for everything.
(14:09):
Wow.
And the wife and I went down tothe bridal dress place and
looked on the clearance rack andfound the dress that she liked
and the dress was, I think, $100.
Stop and listen.
We showed up at their weddingand it was a nice wedding, party
favors and everything.
Party favors, yeah it was a nicewedding and we told them to
meet us over at I think it wasJohnny Carino's was the name of
(14:31):
the Italian place for thereception hey, everybody, meet
us over at Johnny Carino's and,you know, pay for your own food,
type of thing.
We didn't say any of that.
We just say, hey, y'all, meetus over at Johnny Carino's, and
but Did you have a back room atleast?
No, let me tell you.
Let me tell you, anna Bevin,that's what my wife wanted.
But listen, that is so funny.
Okay, good, in the six monthsthat we had our Skype
(14:53):
conversations there was a lotthat I got to know about her,
you know.
I got to know where her valueswere, I got to know what type of
person she was, you know, andthey were just really in line
with my values and the thingsthat I wanted in a wife,
specifically that I could spendthe rest of my life with, and
that's how we ended up together.
(15:14):
So I know that I can'tduplicate that for other people,
but I understand the principlesaround how I got what I got in
this lifetime right.
And going back to theconversations we had earlier
about marriage and how marriagecan be tough sometimes yeah,
marriage can be tough sometimes,but the reward is like you
wouldn't imagine you know, andthat's the reason why I
(15:36):
analogize that toentrepreneurship.
I'm trying to think through the examples of marriage
that I have in my family and I.
I mean I could be wrong, but Ithink we really all want to end
up there, End up in having acommitted relationship, whether
it's defined by marriage or justdefined by a committed
relationship moving forward in alongterm fashion where you both
die together, I would call thatmarriage.
But my parents, I think, aregreat examples.
(00:23):
They were wildly differentpeople when they met.
My dad is 13 years older thanmy mom.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
He was a and I talked about that at the party, by the
way.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Yeah, he was a grown ass man.
I'm going to say asked me,because he was a grown ass man
and my mom was a grown woman,like he was 39.
She was 26.
And I.
They had to blend two fullyformed adult lives together and
they were married in August.
The next September I was bornand the next October my brother
(00:53):
was born.
So there wasn't a lot of likefiguring out who they were, wow,
and trying to like hey, I don'tlike the way you fold these
napkins or why is your stufflike that in the bathroom, like
that just doesn't logically makesense or whatever the weird
things that you like.
Learn about people, and itreally grates on your nerves.
After a period of time You'reopen to it for a little bit, but
(01:14):
then not anymore because you'relike this is cute, let's get on
with my pattern, you've messedup my pattern, and so they
really didn't have time toreally create these new patterns
.
And my mom tells the story justhow she was not very pleasant
at the very beginning.
My dad is possibly the kindest,softest man that could ever
(01:34):
walk the planet.
He would convince me to comehome in college by making French
toast, because that's myfavorite thing he he makes.
He was like don't you want tocome home?
I'm making French toast?
I went to school an hour awayfrom where I grew up, so it was
not that far for me to go, but Inever went home in college.
But anyway, my mom was not apleasant person and she will
(01:55):
tell you that she reallystruggled with being in New York
because my at the time, my dadworked for the New York Times
and she had lived all of herlife in the South, was born in
the South, grew up in the Southand moved to New York and she
just no one was nice and she wasgrumpy and they didn't have
their own home.
They lived in like a gianthouse that a church bought to be
(02:17):
their church home and so everyweekend she, at any moment in
time, random strangers wouldcome through her house.
So it was like she didn'treally feel settled.
I think is what she wouldprobably say now.
But, knowing all of thatfoundation and who they are like
, when they argue they want tobe right, sure, but they argue
to get past the thing thatthey're arguing about.
I think and I've said thisbefore to many people I think
(02:42):
that the best example andparents have given me is that
they fight in front of us.
I have a brother who's.
I have a brother who's 13months younger than I am.
They would fight in front of usand then we would watch them
apologize and say they weresorry, and usually it happened
in the same day, probably withinlike an hour, two hours.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Did they fight fair most of the time?
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Yes, question mark.
I mean I don't think they likethrow any punches or anything,
but like yeah, I would say so.
They didn't pull up like thingsfrom like 15 years ago of
problems.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
When I say fight and fair people who don't fight fair
, they say things specificallyto upset you or to hurt you.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
So if none of that is happening, then I don't think I
wouldn't say that they did notfight fair.
Anyway, I'm sure that therewere probably moments where that
did happen.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
I just don't remember them, which I think is a great
mark.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
Checkmark mom and dad and my, my grandparents are a
great example.
They've been married for almost60 years 60 some years, I guess
.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
I don't know a long time, yeah, a long time.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
They know life together and don't remember life
not together.
Right, and they're in adifferent phase of life now and,
just like watching their, theirmarriage evolve with their
phases of life, my parentsmarriage has evolved as my
brother and I have gotten older.
They parent much like, in avery different way.
Yeah and that's what I see.
(04:08):
Like I see the hard work of ofspending life with another
person my friends are greatexamples of that like they are
pretty open about, like thestruggles that they're having,
not in a like I'm gonna talktrash, but like a this is where
I am right.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
This is hard Marriage is hard and that's very
important.
I want to say a couple ofthings about that.
Go ahead, let me.
Let me first start by sayingyou know, the story you tell
about your parents is a lot likemy story with my wife, and I
know we've talked, done, done,done, yeah, and your dad and I
had this conversation atChristmas party, right?
Because he said, hey, I'm 13years older than my wife.
(04:44):
I said I'm 13 years older thanmy wife and when I got married,
I was 41 years old and my wifewas 29.
So he and I were having thatparticular conversation.
When we got our anniversary wasNovember 20th and I did a
Facebook post married in 68 daysyeah, because my wife and I
went on our first date inSeptember 2010 and we were
(05:05):
married by November 2010 threemonths, 68 days later, and we
would have gotten marriedearlier.
But you know, you know mywife's from Jamaica and she was
just coming overnight.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
So that's the reason why we waited six years.
Yeah, that's a fair challenge.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
But I bring that up because you know, you know I
have to always disclaim this andsay I would never, ever, ever
recommend Anybody gettingmarried to a woman in 68 days,
like that's something youshouldn't do.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Now I was there exceptions to every rule.
Absolutely like yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
I got lucky in that regard.
But you know, going back to theidea that marriage is hard she
and I were just talking aboutthis the other day the reason
why we are so great today Likeabsolutely great, bulletproof
great.
I honestly feel and I try notto get cocky around this,
because I know that anythingcould happen.
I've seen enough in my 53 yearson this planet, noted anything
(05:58):
can happen, as I try not to getcocky on this.
But I'm at a position with mywife now where I believe there
is absolutely nothing that Icould do though make her say I'm
out of here, and I absolutelyknow that there's nothing she
could do to say Absolutely outof here.
But you don't get to that point.
You don't get to the point ofstrong relationship without
Exercise, if you will, withoutwithout the work that it's just
(06:21):
like anything else.
You won't get big musclesunless you go lift something
heavy.
You won't get a strongrelationship unless you go
through something heavy, andwe've gone through some heavy
things in our.
I tell people that I've beensuccessfully married for 12
years.
Right, I don't use word happilymarried for 12 years, because
there's a little years in ourmarriage where she was miserable
.
There were years when I wasmiserable right, and I will
(06:44):
often hear people, specificallymen, will say to me you guys
talk about how hard marriage is.
Why would anybody ever want toget married?
The analogy I use isentrepreneurship.
I think about the fact thatpeople start business fair
visual.
Yeah, well, think about it somepeople start businesses and some
get lucky and business takesoff year one, year two and they
(07:04):
live happily ever after for along time.
They will eventually get sued.
They will eventually, you know,store burns down or you know
COVID closes down theirrestaurant.
Those things will happenSometime, like, and you'll
either work through it and getto the other side of it or
you'll, you know, you'll go bust.
Now there's the other side ofthat.
Entrepreneurship is there?
(07:25):
People start businesses andit's not till 10 years later
that they finally get sometraction and now they can quit
their other job and now they canlive like nobody else has lived
.
Right but that's the way I thinkabout it, that's the way I
analogize it when I when I thinkabout marriage.
Sometimes people get marriedand they're great for a long
time.
They might run into a snageventually, but they're great
for a long time.
(07:45):
And then there are times when,like we got married and you know
, I adventure to say that withinweeks we felt like we were in
trouble.
Right, yeah, let me give.
Let me give you the rest of thestory.
So it's absolutely true that Iwent on my first date with her
that September is absolutelytrue that we got married 68 days
later.
But the full story is Iactually met her early in the
(08:08):
year, in April, and she was onher way back to Jamaica and I
reached out to her.
I shot my shot on Facebook dayshe was on her way back to
Jamaica and we had a six monthlong courtship over Skype If you
guys remember Skype and duringthose conversations I got a
chance to know what type ofwoman she was and I had done the
(08:29):
work on myself, so I knewexactly what I was looking for
in a wife.
And this is let me side notehere and say this is what I say
to clients often.
One of my very first questionsto people when I meet them is
tell me about the person you'relooking for.
And they'll say, hmm, I don'tknow, let me think, let's see.
And then we'll start rattlingoff some stuff and I say to them
(08:49):
you've never thought about thisquestion before.
Like, if you don't know whatthat person looks like, how will
you know when they?
Speaker 1 (08:56):
show up.
Sometimes people don't wanna betoo quick to answer that
question, and I think you canprobably tell the difference
between someone who hasn't everthought of it and someone who
isn't too quick.
Cause I think I paused for asecond when you said that, cause
I was like, oh, here's where Iget to be really judgmental.
We just met.
This is great.
Yeah, I get that.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
So the whole point of me asking that question is if
you haven't thought about it, gothink about it, and if you have
thought about it, let's try tohone it in, because I can
promise you that if you knowwhat that person looks like, you
will recognize them when theyshow up.
And if they have a little bitof dust on them or somebody you
know it's the right person.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Do you see the?
Speaker 2 (09:37):
good bones, but if you haven't put any thought
behind it, then that personcomes and goes.
Now let's go back to mysituation.
My situation was such that Iwanted to be married when I was
23 years old and I've readhundreds of books from age 23
all the way up to 50.
So for the next 25 years Ididn't see any signs of being
married.
But I will say I took all theassessments that I could think
(09:59):
of whether it be.
I did Myers-Briggs and we didthis, and I did love languages.
I was doing the work and when Idated, I dated with purpose.
I dated to better understandwhat it is I like about this
person and why.
What it is I can deal with thewoman and what I can't, what it
(10:20):
is I need in order to befulfilled and you know, whatever
it is.
But you got to learn aboutyourself, right, yeah, which is
the next piece of the formula.
Actually, that's the first partof the formula.
The second part of the formulais after you know about yourself
.
Now figure out what it is thatyou need in a person to be happy
for the rest of your life.
So that was what my situationwas.
(10:40):
So, wrapping that all back upinto this story about me, those
six months that I spent on Skypewith this woman helped me to
understand that, wow, everythingthat I ever said that I was
looking for in a woman, that wasit right.
The only objection I had at thetime was that she lived in
Jamaica.
So I told her I wouldn't dateher, because I can't date a girl
who's in Jamaica and I'm herein the US.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
So when she came here and what, she Did she come here
to date you?
Speaker 2 (11:04):
No no, actually no, she came.
If you were to ask her, shewould say, yes, she came here to
marry you.
She knew it was for the longgame, so I didn't see that at
the time, but nonetheless thatwhole story was-.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Good job, debbie.
Where to hide that?
Speaker 2 (11:21):
That whole story was just really to highlight the
fact that I really felt like Idid the work and that way I was
able to recognize her.
When I found her and then, youknow, and I remember the day I
got engaged to her, I called mydad and I said to myself why do
people wait years after theyBecause the ring to me is the
commitment to say, hey, I'mready to spend the rest of my
life with you, so what sensedoes it make to spend another
(11:42):
two years?
Because I will say this one ofthe reasons that I decided I
wanted to marry this woman isbecause she said she didn't want
a wedding.
Now she Well, and not that I'magainst weddings, because I'm
all for weddings for people whocan afford weddings but I've
seen far too many people doweddings and ruin their lives
and, like people, are stillpaying for weddings and they're
already divorced.
(12:04):
Like and I just think that'sasinine.
You know, I used to be aprofessional photographer and I
did a lot of photography atweddings and I would talk to
grooms after these weddings andthe vibe that I got from them
after spending $20,000, $30,000,$50,000, $80,000, the vibe that
I got from them is that that'sit Like very anti-climactic
right you get some photos thatlast forever.
(12:24):
Yeah.
So she said to me in one ofthose Skype calls.
She said can we not have awedding and let's get some
matrimonial max?
And when she said that to me Iwas like like Mac, like computer
Mac yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Yeah, yeah that is so clever she said she wanted
matrimonial max.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
I said I want to marry this lady.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Oh my gosh.
So how many max have you hadsince then?
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Oh my God, oh my goodness, too many to count.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Okay, okay, it started with some matrimonial
ones, Really really too many tocount.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
But you know Did you?
Speaker 1 (12:54):
have like a party or something Like I'm very
concerned about a party, yeah.
So I love a good celebration.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Listen, we had.
We ended up having a wedding,but let me tell you how the
wedding went down.
So the church I was a part ofat the time she was very close
to the leadership of the church,right, and I was on the media
team.
I did the photographer for thechurch at the time.
Long story short, she broughtme into the fold, behind the
curtain, with the leadership,pastors and all of that kind of
(13:20):
stuff.
They decided that she would behappier if she had a wedding.
She had already said I don'twant a wedding, but they decided
you really do want a wedding.
Intrigued, you just don't knowthat you want a wedding.
You'd be happier if you want awedding.
Now she was crying on myshoulder at night saying I
really don't want a weddingbecause she's a very introverted
person, right, and she doesn'tlike the idea of being the
(13:40):
center of attention Like that.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
just terrifies me, and that is a core difference
between Debbie and Anna Bevin.
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
But she genuinely did not want a wedding right.
But it was tough to fight theleadership of the church, you
know, because you gotta respectand all that kind of stuff.
So what I said as the newhusband?
I said listen people, my wifedoes not want a wedding and if
y'all want to wedding, that badyou pay for a wedding.
If you pay for a wedding, we'llshow up that way.
Ooh, shots fired.
They paid for a wedding, theypaid for everything.
(14:09):
Wow.
And the wife and I went down tothe bridal dress place and
looked on the clearance rack andfound the dress that she liked
and the dress was, I think, $100.
Stop and listen.
We showed up at their weddingand it was a nice wedding, party
favors and everything.
Party favors, yeah it was a nicewedding and we told them to
meet us over at I think it wasJohnny Carino's was the name of
(14:31):
the Italian place for thereception hey, everybody, meet
us over at Johnny Carino's and,you know, pay for your own food,
type of thing.
We didn't say any of that.
We just say, hey, y'all, meetus over at Johnny Carino's, and
but Did you have a back room atleast?
No, let me tell you.
Let me tell you, anna Bevin,that's what my wife wanted.
But listen, that is so funny.
Okay, good, in the six monthsthat we had our Skype
(14:53):
conversations there was a lotthat I got to know about her,
you know.
I got to know where her valueswere, I got to know what type of
person she was, you know, andthey were just really in line
with my values and the thingsthat I wanted in a wife,
specifically that I could spendthe rest of my life with, and
that's how we ended up together.
(15:14):
So I know that I can'tduplicate that for other people,
but I understand the principlesaround how I got what I got in
this lifetime right.
And going back to theconversations we had earlier
about marriage and how marriagecan be tough sometimes yeah,
marriage can be tough sometimes,but the reward is like you
wouldn't imagine you know, andthat's the reason why I
(15:36):
analogize that toentrepreneurship.
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