January 29, 2024 • 41 mins
Have you ever wondered what truly fuels the sparks of attraction? Join us as Rachel Burnham (dating coach) and Leorah Elin (matchmaker) share their insights into the dynamic world of dating and relationships. In a candid conversation, we unravel how our personal histories, attitudes, and the energy we emanate deeply influence our romantic connections. Learn why positivity and self-growth aren't just feel-good terms, but essential elements in magnetizing the love life you desire.
Navigating the dating scene can be a labyrinth of emotions and decisions, especially when faced with limiting beliefs about love. We dissect these challenges, offering actionable strategies to transform a negative dating perspective into a positive, empowering experience. Hear firsthand how fostering self-development before diving into a relationship can lead to more meaningful partnerships, and understand why embracing openness and non-judgment is crucial in forming genuine connections.
This episode is not just a treasure trove of advice for the lovelorn. We also delve into the profound ways in which our quest for companionship aligns with timeless Torah teachings. Discover the role of self-belief in cementing strong relationships with others and with Hashem, and how the power of manifestation intertwines with spiritual principles to shape the fabric of our lives. With Rachel and Leon's wisdom guiding the way, we pave a path toward deepening our understanding of love and the unseen forces that guide our hearts.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hello and welcome to dating, marriage and divorce
conversations where we analyze,navigate and troubleshoot all
stages of your romantic life.
I'm your host, igor Meisselman,a divorce attorney turned
relationship coach.
Okay, everybody, we are backfor another round with my two
(00:32):
guests, leon and Rachel Burnham.
A shot and a dating coach andeverything else in between.
This is going to be anotherexciting episode, I can feel it,
because we're going to talk tothem about.
What am I attracting?
Sounds very esoteric andmystical.
I hope the two of you canenlighten all of us.
What am I attracting?
What am I trying to attract?
(00:53):
Rachel, do you want to start usoff?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Sure, alrighty, so let's jump right in.
So I get this question a lotbecause most people are just
looking for the best guy and thebest girl and I'm still trying
to figure out what best evenmeans, because obviously we're
all individuals and havedifferent needs, but something
that tends to happen.
I am not just the personshowing up on a date.
I am someone showing up on adate with a history of
(01:14):
everything that brought me tobecoming who I am my experiences
, my family, my friends, myschool, my talents, all of the
parts of me that make me me.
And so if a lot of thoseexperiences were positive and
happy and encouraging andconfident, then what I bring on
a date is exactly what I end upattracting.
I bring that happy, positive,confidence self who is you know,
(01:36):
knows who I am, knows what Iwant to build in my home and my
future, and now I'm ready tobuild.
So therefore, I tend to attractlike-minded type of people who
are attracted to me because Iput out this energy of
positivity forward, moving, ofthinking of the future, of
confidence, and that is veryattractive when we have people
who come on a date where youknow dating is just not working
(01:57):
for me and I just know this isgoing to be a bomb anyway and
all the shaltahs are done and,like you, don't understand what
I've gone through in my life,right.
So that also brings a certaintype of energy to a date, and we
tend to attract people that areeither going to reject us which
is a whole other conversationin itself, right, why we
self-sabotage relationships orwe'll attract someone who's
(02:17):
like-minded and find some sortof misery, loves company in that
space, but that might notnecessarily be a healthy way to
start a relationship andcertainly not a healthy way to
continue a long lasting, healthyrelationship.
So my recommendation for mostpeople is, instead of saying,
how can I find that right one?
Ask yourself, how can I be thatright one, how can I be the
(02:37):
best version of myself?
Make sure that I am adjusted,confident, positive, happy, able
to handle challenge, you know,have a strong sense of a muna
vitajo and that, like Hashem, isin control, and then, once I am
being that kind of person,naturally I will attract a very
healthy, like-minded type ofperson who wants what I'm
offering.
So it's like I don't.
I want to know what you thinkabout that, because that is
(02:59):
something that I'm been pushingvery hard for for a long time.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Okay, there's a number of things that run me
through my mind.
I don't know how far we'regoing to sort of steer off
course.
First of all, the first wordthat came to me was manifesting.
That's what I wrote down,because I know there's a lot of
interesting discussion in theplural world of how do you
manifest thing.
And then the second thing thatcame up for me was well, I'm
going to show up in this happygo lucky.
(03:23):
I don't know, I'm just being alittle bit hyperbolic, but I'm
going to show up with thisattitude.
But I'm sitting with a shachemwho they can interpret me
through their lens.
Then they're going to conveythat message to who they think
I'm a good fit for.
But what I'm hearing you say isyou know what, just that
approach of shifting years intothat type of existence, I can
(03:43):
disregard the shachem and justI'm going to walk around with a
belief attitude that a shem isgoing to be sending something
that's going to gravitatetowards me being this way, as
opposed to I meet a girl at acoffee shop or on college campus
or a workplace Is that whatyou're saying?
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Well, yes, I am saying that, but I also strongly
believe that you know, we arewhat we believe, right?
So if we believe that there areno guys out there, guess what?
Every time we go on a datewe're like, see, there are no
guys.
There's such poor quality guysand every guy we go out with, we
find a reason why it's notgoing to work for us, as opposed
to a positive mindset, amindset of this is going to
(04:17):
happen.
It will happen to me.
Why is it that there are twofriends and one always gets
dates and one doesn't?
Because they present differentenergies, they present different
, obviously differentpersonalities.
It's not like there are no guys.
One's getting all these datesand one isn't right.
So ask Liora, when someonecomes to visit her, right, you
get a vibe from a person, andthat vibe is typically a real
positive vibe, and I really wantto set this person up with some
of my top quality men or womenbecause I'm like, wow, this is a
(04:40):
great person.
Or I'm like, oh boy, what am Igoing to do?
I think I'm just going to sendhim a heart of Rachel, because I
love them.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
That's right.
Actually, I want to narrow,lira.
I want to, I want to send thisover to you, but I want to
really narrow question becauseI'm just now.
I'm just curious aboutsomething.
Let's say somebody comes in,boy or girl, you're sensing from
them this sort of limitedmindset, limiting beliefs.
I can never get a good date.
Everything's a disaster.
Once you pick up that energyfrom that person, what's your
(05:10):
next step in how you deal withthem?
Speaker 3 (05:12):
Oh boy, this is a fun question.
Okay, how do I deal withsomebody who comes in like that?
Okay, I'm going to answer thatUm, a hundred thoughts running
through my head, but let's,let's hyper focus on this.
If somebody comes to me andthey present themselves one way,
then I'm going to obviously askthem questions about what
they're presenting.
So, if somebody startsexplaining to me, like the type
(05:34):
of cloud work that they do andare you looking for somebody who
also does that Are you lookingfor someone to be your partner,
your cheerleader, stand behindyou?
Where do you envision yourself,you know, in terms of where
does the spouse fit in with yourplan of everything that you do?
Right, I always go to thesecamps and work with special
needs kids and my wife is goingto have to stand by me, okay,
what if she's not good at that?
(05:55):
Where does your presence, senseof self, have room or space to
hold another person who might ormight not have that same
passion and drive, and they donot have to have the same
passion or drive, okay, as you.
So that's one question, butlet's go to the negative side,
okay, because there are concernsthat come up besides negative.
Negative is a very easy target.
It's a very broad statement andpeople have a reason why
(06:17):
they're negative.
No one's negative for no reason.
People are negative becausethey've been hurt or they
haven't down their other halfand their friends have all moved
on.
People have really good reasonsfor being negative.
They had bad experiences withShad Hanem or with growing up,
teachers, family.
Whatever the reason is, I woulddefinitely say that if I find
somebody who comes in and isvery negative, I usually brush
them, don't get most of them,because I tell people not to
(06:38):
meet me.
I'm like you don't have to meetme.
Like if you don't want to meeta Shad Hanem, like you don't
have to meet me, I don't needyou to come and meet me.
Like it doesn't do me anything.
Like so why are you coming?
So to say, because I want tohave skin in the game and I want
to say that I tried.
See, I went to a Shad Hanem.
Oh, I'm a person Like I wouldnever want you to feel like that
in front of me.
I'm so sorry, please don't cometo me for that.
But if you say I want to reallybe vulnerable and say can you
(06:58):
really help me?
Because I really believe thatyou are a person that can help
me or guide me or direct mecorrectly, no sweat.
But if somebody is very negative, I will ask them questions like
oh, that's so interesting thatyou think there's no good guys
out there.
Where does that come from?
What's your experience?
I want to learn about why youthink that.
So usually I'll ask thequestion behind the question.
It's a very famous quote byKailash Roy says this Look,
(07:20):
what's the question behind thequestion?
I really want to know why, likewhy are you so negative?
But really there's a questioneven deeper than that, which is
why are you presenting yourselfthis way?
That happened in your life thatcaused you to be negative?
So usually I'll just try totake a more like empathetic
approach of like, wow, it soundslike it's been a lot.
I don't start with who I wantto set her up and get her
married, because I actuallydon't believe she'll be able to
(07:42):
present herself correctly andattract who she ultimately is
meant to be.
And I do see the success ofpeople getting to the point
where they could developthemselves and get themselves
into a better mindset so theycould date effectively.
All right.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
So, leora.
So that's exactly the point.
There's obviously very good, noone's judging.
There's obviously very goodreasons why people are coming
from you know, some level oftrauma or experiences that put
them into that place.
The question is are theyactually ready to be dating?
And even if they think thatthey are and they do date, are
they going to be dating thehighest quality caliber of
person that they would like, orwould they be able to attract
(08:14):
the kind of person that they'rereally looking for until they
work through those challenges?
So there's no judgment, but Itypically recommend people to
take a break from dating andfocus more on self and getting
yourself into a place where youare comfortable and confident
with yourself, because that'sthe best way to be able to share
that part with somebody else.
Marriage is not going to healyou.
Marriage is not a hospital.
It's not going to heal you.
(08:34):
If anything it's going to takeas skills, I'll tell you it's
going to take your challengesand multiply them, right.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
So yeah, but when you say that to, I'm actually very
curious to know this.
Do you speak that openly?
Speaker 2 (08:46):
Let's go to a girl because in my mind, in my mind.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
I'm imagining I am this like innocent, I don't know
, 20, 22 year old, who beenproduct of the system, quote,
unquote.
And like this is what I know.
And you're going to tell me, oh, you know, kind of go back in
the freezer for half a year, andI'm like thinking my life's
clock is ticking and the windowis narrowing of my options.
(09:09):
I'm going to take this time offMeaning.
I'm imagining there is thisinternal, very pressurized,
anxiety-ridden environment yeah,what was?
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
So what I would?
I don't tell this and Itypically, as a as a rule, don't
tell people what to do, but Igive them choices.
So here's the choice we cankeep dating and the kinds of
guys that you're going to beattracting are either guys that
you're not going to like or guysthat you will like, that will
reject you for this reason mostprobably right.
Or what we can do is we cantake a break for three months,
maybe six months, I didn't say10 years, you know.
(09:40):
Three months to six months toreally focus on this piece, get
to the bottom of like where thatyou know negative attitude
comes from, where that belief,that core belief system of low
self-confidence I'm not going to.
I mean, I've had so many girlstell me I don't think I'll make
a good mother, I don't thinkI'll make a good wife, I came
from an abusive home and now,like essentially, to sum it up,
(10:00):
I'm just a people pleaser,because that's how I get people
to just not yell and scream andhurt me.
And so you think that goinginto marriage in that place is
going to attract a healthyrelationship?
No, so I give them choices.
We can go into dating and wecan get what is available, which
either might not be what youwant or you might be rejected a
lot, or we can take some time toget you into a better place
(10:22):
that you can attract a higherquality.
You know.
Shut up for yourself, so it'sreally your choice.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
I want to add in something.
Yeah, no, no, you go ahead.
No it's okay, it's okay, youcould go first Working on my
needs and being a nice person.
I'll get a mid-synoteafterwards.
Go ahead.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
The more I'm listening to this that now I
actually do more questions Ihave because, just quickly
reminding the audience,especially if you're first time
hearing us having this three-waydialogue I get to deal with
couples 10, 15, 20 years laterand I'm always having this
curiosity what in the world wasgoing on with them before they
got into this most complicateddecision of somebody's life,
which is getting married andliving with another human being?
(10:58):
So I'm curious has anybody evercame to meet with you where
you're?
After having conversation,you're like you're not ready to
date and I'm just going to tellyou that straight out now.
Have you ever done that?
Many times we are where by you.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Okay.
So when I meet people I like touse the term yet it's sort of
like in Kira I don't saysomeone's not from, we say
they're not from yet Becausesomebody could come to meet me
and they might be a person whocould get married, but maybe not
yet.
So I don't disqualify, I don'tpush away.
If somebody chose to meet withme, I'm having a meeting with
(11:32):
them regardless.
My job is do my taff kid.
My taff kid does not mean thatI have to make sure that that
person who can't get marriedwill get married.
That's a little.
That's a little silly.
I would not be able to do that.
Well, that I could do is try tohelp a person see for
themselves what is that theyactually want.
You know the, the power ofeducators which I am an educator
(11:57):
and I've been for 25 years, Iwould say is the power to
empower other people, ourstudents, to take information
and to acquire it for themselves.
And when they do that they haveaccountability and it's a
really nice thing.
So I don't have to meetsomebody and say, hey, listen, I
can't set you up, I don't havean obligation to do that.
That would actually be awkward.
(12:17):
I don't want somebody to thinkthat just because they're not in
a good place right now meansthat I judge them forever, that
they're always going to be thatperson that I met when they
weren't in a good place.
You see, I'm a safe zonebecause it doesn't matter,
because I'm not judging them,I'm not trying to do a psycho,
analyze them none of that, youknow.
And also, but I'm here to showthem at the right time and
people do come back and they docome back better, healthier,
(12:38):
high.
Can I just check in with you?
I just want to let you know I'min a really different place
than I was when I met you lasttime.
Sure, no problem, and we startfresh and new.
I don't see this as any sort ofreflection on the trajectory of
, like, happier relationships,worse relationships, a healthy
person.
People go through ups and downsand if somebody met me at a time
where they felt that theypushed themselves to do but it
was really out of their comfort,I totally understand.
(12:59):
It's like every time I try togo on a diet, I'm like that's
just stupid.
I don't really want to be onthis diet.
I'm really not ready for itright now.
But then when I am on a dietand I lose.
You know, I lose my weight likeyay, go me.
So just because somebody isright now in a certain place in
their life doesn't mean thatthey're always going to be like
that.
They're not always going to benegative.
And that's the one I want to addin is that not everyone is
(13:20):
traumatized.
People are hurt.
Not everyone has.
There's different types oftrauma, right, you're the
therapist you could explain it.
There's acute trauma, right,and then there's trauma that
takes over time.
It builds up no girl who hasn'tgotten a date or a guy that
hasn't gotten dates and thesubstantial amount of time
that's going to quote the typeof but it doesn't mean there's
something traumatic happen intheir life.
(13:41):
So I just want to clarify that,so that we're working with
understanding that there arepeople and maybe you can answer
this why is there such a driveand such a need I'm not even
talking about Jewish perspectivewhy is there such a drive and a
need for companionship?
Speaker 1 (13:54):
It's actually easy.
I mean, I'm still going to givea Jewish answer because I
believe with all stars, are youJewish?
Speaker 3 (14:00):
You're Jewish, you must be Jewish.
You're giving a Jewish answer.
I'm not Jewish, that's right.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
I'm going to give a Jewish answer, which is I made a
world and he made that world ina certain way, so meaning he
programmed into men and womeninstinct for that.
It's not only that.
The verse says it's not goodfor man to be alone, which just
simply implies there might besome negative downside to being
alone there.
It seems to be thatbiochemically we are wired for
(14:25):
that connection and you know,without, without sort of right
now turning into a bigdiscussion, I can just tell you
that there's stuff that goes onin us physically before we can
get into a spiritual realm.
There's physical stuff going onin the brain, chemical and
biological responses within thebody that energize and activate
craving for connection.
I mean, the most famous examplethat people talk about is the
(14:48):
still face experiment.
It's a famous experiment theydid with the baby and the mother
looks at the child, smiles, thebaby starts smiling and is like
interacting.
And when the mother would makea still face, the baby would cry
, even though all othervariables were the same, meaning
it was a well lit room, thereare toys everywhere, there's
food in front of the child andthe child would have these
(15:09):
direct, completely differentreactions simply to the change
of the facial expression thatindicated a disconnect or
rejection versus a connection,and so that demonstrates that we
are basically interpersonal inour nature.
Our nature is to be relationaland that's why rejection or not
getting a date is going to feelso awful.
(15:31):
We're going on a bad date,experiencing feeling of
rejection.
All these things are going tobe going to be leaving imprint
and you know, kind of back tothe idea of manifesting and what
we're attracting to.
Or, if I get rejected enoughtimes, I naturally start having
limiting beliefs and negativebeliefs, like I'm not deserving,
I'm not worthy, I couldpossibly be happy, but I want to
(15:51):
sort of cycle back to the oryou mentioned okay, I am what it
was.
That was the phrase like to use.
Or equal opportunity employer,everybody's welcome by Liora,
but that's not.
But that's not a question ofposing.
What I'm curious about is great, Everybody's welcome.
But you now sat with me for anhour and I've been constantly
bending the conversation in thedirection of negative remarks.
(16:11):
Something's wrong.
You know that type of energy.
So all I'm asking is, by thetime you're done listening to me
for an hour, constantly pushingthe conversation towards
negative conclusions, negativeexperiences, and now it's time
to say bye, or maybe it's timeto say goodbye, the end of that
hour.
I want to know.
I want to know are you tellingme, hey, I have just the right
(16:35):
month for you.
She says miserable to you.
I'm setting you up next week.
Are you telling me, sorry, I'mshipping you off to Ruchel in
Maryland.
She's going to work with youfor three months and then I have
the right one for you?
Okay, great question.
Okay, great question.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
So.
So I don't tend to tell peoplethat I think that they need help
.
I just met them.
They don't know me, I don'tknow them.
There is no obligation, and Ido hope that anyone who meets me
has other people in their lifeand that I'm not the sole
caretaker for this person who Ijust met for 40 minutes.
So in Merit Sashem, they haveall their own people in their
(17:11):
life who know them better andwho I would imagine they would
want to be macabre from, asopposed to someone who they just
met.
Now if I have a safe, ongoing,continuous relationship, then it
becomes a little bit easier toguide.
You know, right now I'm doingfull time, nine to five every
day, shadrachem, dating,coaching and Kala classes.
It's very specific what I dowith my coaching and there are
(17:32):
other things that I do not touchand I send them over to Rachel.
So, because there there arespecialties within coaching and
I do believe, like any, andnobody could just say I'm a
doctor, therefore I knoweverything you specialize, even
in therapy you specialize, right.
So a person has to know theirstrengths and what they
specialize in.
But I will say is that if I doget somebody who is negative not
(17:56):
I don't again, I'm not talkingabout negative across the board
but I get a negative phone call,okay, in my initial meetings I
don't tell people I don't thinkyou're ready for marriage.
If somebody's not ready, I'mhappy I met them and in Merit
Sashem they'll be ready.
If they're ready in threemonths, six months, I check in
with people.
So I always do check ins justto follow up how are you, what's
doing, where are you holding,how's dating?
And so again, that opens up theavenue for if they say certain
(18:21):
things or certain words, I mightbe saying hmm, so interesting.
You mentioned that the pastthree times.
Did you ever speak to somebodyabout that?
And then we could go there in amore natural, loving and not
hurtful manner and they reallyfeel that it's for their own
best interest.
Now I have had recently I hadtwo phone calls in the past week
, which are definitely fun ones,and I basically got phone calls
about why aren't you setting meup?
(18:43):
I said so, I listen.
And then I'm like oh, what doyou mean?
And then when they tell me andit's funny because I'm both
accounts I was told you haven't,you've never set me up, and I
and you don't send me ideas.
So I went back to my notes andI said oh, it's so interesting
because I tried setting up withso and so, so and so, so and so,
so and so and so, and they haveeverything listed.
Oh, but those weren't shy,let's start from the beginning.
(19:03):
You just called me up and youjust said to me you haven't set
me up, you haven't sent me anyideas.
So if we're going to talk factsno problem then the facts have
to be truthful.
This conversation can only betruthful.
And then I'll say to them thefollowing.
This is a fun one, ready, wow.
So if I'm not setting you up andyou're contacting me about this
(19:23):
, I would love to know who doeshave more on target Shaddukham
for you.
What Shaddukham out of the 40that you reached out to?
Who's the last Shaddukham thatset you up right?
How old was the person?
What do they do?
Where are they from?
What are your Hashgahfahs?
Tell me, how many times did yougo out with them?
Tell me about the last threepeople you went out with,
because if all these Shaddukhamare getting it and I'm not, then
(19:44):
I would love to learn so Icould be more on target for you.
And the answer over and overagain and it wasn't just this
week, it was other weeks yeah,it was usually well, I don't
really go out much, okay, butwhat was the last three like?
Well, I haven't really.
What about the last two?
No, I, when's the last time youwent on a date?
And then I realized, when theydon't have an answer, this isn't
really about pulling me up andblaming me for not setting them
(20:04):
up and then we get into thisdiscussion about this topic.
Who wants me?
What am I attracting?
What am I not attracting?
What am?
Speaker 2 (20:12):
I rejecting.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
What can I do now?
What am I rejecting?
Even better, good, call outWait because you just gave them
a whole list.
I did give them a list and theyhave great reasons, and that's
usually when I say go to RachaelBurnham, because Rachael
Burnham has the ability to do.
What I would say is she's muchbetter at putting a person right
(20:37):
in front of the mirror andsaying, well, let's take a look.
Well, that's price and touch,and I think the mirror right,
and the mirror is a verypowerful tool.
Look at your intellect, look atyour presentation, look at your
spirituality, look at yourfinances, look at your
background, look where you live.
If I don't have you telling methat I have a milk mustache on
my mouth, oh no, I have amustache you need a mirror.
(20:59):
I say AcerConnecto is at everystage of life.
You need an AcerConnecto.
Even if you're single andyou're, I don't know, 33 years
old.
You need someone to be sayingsomething to you or you're going
to get very set in your ways.
You always need somebody topoint things out to you, even
with a learning curve, so youcan learn on your own, or it
doesn't appear to you have astudent who can learn with
somebody else, but if you learnwith somebody else, they'll be
(21:19):
able to point things out to youthat you otherwise wouldn't
notice.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
I try to stay away from, like, I guess, social
commentary and just like being apolemicist just for the sake of
, you know, rebel rousing.
But I'm just curious.
I go through the system, a boyor girl, I mean, I can comment
even more on boys, even though Ihave a daughter in high school,
and I guess I could sort ofcomment on my little glimpses of
what I get from the things sheshares with me.
(21:42):
But I don't stand again.
I'm 20 years old.
I'm 21 years old.
I'm moving now into this newphase of life, right, seeking
out a spouse, one of them, thinkabout now doing that next phase
of life, starting a family, andalso I'm going to sit down with
somebody who tells me thingslike you know, there's this
thing called manifesting and I'mgoing to be like I never saw
tost was use the wordmanifesting.
(22:04):
I never seen Hazal say my rabbigiving a schmooze never said.
You know you need to learn tomanifest the right way.
I'm just wondering again, Ineed your end of it because
again, when people come in tospeak to me, there is already a
certain life experience theexperience parenthood, the
experience being a spouse.
You're coming in and you'relike yeah, I've been single and
(22:26):
you know with my roommates andyou know in a dorm and I thought
over, you know how much spacemy socks can occupy in this room
, but what do you know aboutmanifesting?
So I'm just wondering like isit when you sit down with
somebody fresh on the boat andthey start telling you okay, so
help me, I want to be a gooddata?
Let's say they even have thatmuch of a healthy mindset and
you're like well, let's talkabout how you manifest.
Do you like blow their circuits?
(22:47):
They're like what did you say?
Is there a total source forthis?
Speaker 2 (22:50):
I mean, everybody manifests, whether they like it
or not.
Everybody does it, naturally,right.
So when someone, when someonegoes out with a guy and
everything's going really welland then she doesn't want to
continue, why it's just not whatI had in mind, like I never saw
myself with a guy like that,right, Because she manifested
something in her mind which mayor may be realistically based.
It may just be complete fantasymost of the time it is right,
(23:13):
and so the picture of the guythat she's meeting is not the
exact look of the manifestationin her that she's been
manifesting for the past 20years of what she thinks her
spouse is going to look like.
So we all do it.
I'm just, I'm just putting alabel on it.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
I like what you're saying, right, but my question
is again, I'm telling you,because what winds up happening
is.
This is a little bit.
I want to share what goes on inlife, which is one sitting with
couples let's say, marriage foryears and whatever they're
working through and I might saysomething, and I'm not talking
about some fancy orsophisticated psychology term.
I might say something where thecouples look at me they're like
(23:46):
is that a Torah concept?
I get that all the time, by theway, and so I definitely
noticed that I have to do my ownresearch and continue to learn
and grow as well, that I amsaying things that are Torah
line because I would like tothink I'm a Torah Jew and so the
things I'm teaching I want themto be Torah line, but I think
it's very legitimate,appropriate, that they are
challenging me back with well,one second.
(24:07):
I give the concept nice idea.
Is that really Torah concept?
And so I'm just wondering, inyour stage of the game where you
are 10 years before I get them,but 20 years before I get them,
do you find anybody sort oflike I'm going to call this
healthy skepticism like you,tell them something from where
you are right 40 years old,older, life experience behind
(24:28):
you, and here's this youngperson sitting in front of us
who knows nothing about reallife.
Yet Do you find anybody havingthat type of like healthy
skepticism?
Wait a second, where did youget that from?
Do you have a source for whatyou're saying?
I get that asked all the time.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
So I don't actually get that asked very much at all,
because I'm dealing with peoplethat I maybe are just much
younger.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
But you're saying they just believe you, they just
believe you.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
I mean, you know, they've seen it in their life,
they've seen it play out.
They might not know the term ofit, but they know that they
have done it right.
The idea of like mitzvah, garah, mitzvah, agarah, agarah,
agarah, agarah.
Like those concepts are thesame idea.
When we do something positive,it leaves us the more positive.
That's that the Torah conceptright, so they don't tend to
challenge me in that sense.
No, I don't find that to be ofthe problem.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
Okay.
So two things when I want toseparate the Torah source and I
also which is obviously the mostimportant always and I want to
know your definition ofmanifestation and I want to hear
you use some real primeexamples that we can address.
But before we do that, I alsowant to state that a lot of
times when I tell people things,or I'm discussing with them, or
I'm coaching them, or I'mguiding them, or they're in a
(25:30):
shedok or they're calling mebecause they're on the fringe,
like should I continue, should Inot continue?
Is this a concern?
Is this not a concern?
Usually, what I'll do is I willwork much more off of database
evidence.
I do like to work off ofexperience.
There is a khachma, a realkhachma with experience.
I'm careful not to project and,in addition to that, I really
(25:51):
like to use fact more thanopinions.
If I have a hush let's saysomebody's going out with
somebody I feel like there'ssomething I don't like about
what the girl said to the guy.
I don't like what the guy saidto the girl, and I see a pattern
and it's not a one-time event,it's three or four times.
There's a concrete pattern andwe're getting closer and closer
to something that's going toself-destruct or somebody's
(26:11):
going to walk into a lion's den,right.
What do we do with thisinformation?
Because, again, it's just akhush, it's just a feeling.
What do I know?
So my answer to that is thatwhen those things happen, I
don't tell people well, this iswhat this looks like down the
road, this is what this couldlook like down the road I'm not
a nubby, but I do have a nishamaand there is a certain khush
(26:33):
that a person can have.
So I'll say to them, I'll sayto the individual wow, the
person you're dating said thatto, and how did you feel about
that?
And then they usually go oh mygosh, you know what it's so
funny.
You say that because I actuallydidn't like it when it happened
.
Sometimes they just need thingsmoved to the front burner.
I think we underestimate thepower of 20-year-olds.
Don't get me wrong.
I don't think that they're40-year-olds.
(26:53):
Okay, I don't think thatthey're 60-year-olds, I think
that they're 20-year-olds.
But the one thing that we a lotof times that happens in
shodokim is people feel thattheir ability to make decisions
for themselves has beencompletely taken away from them.
They're dying to be independentso badly, sometimes too badly,
sometimes they're wayovercompensating because they so
badly want to be independent.
(27:14):
But the one thing that we cando as therapists, fadhans, you
know, coaches we can't take awaytheir ability to listen to
their voice, to listen to theirinner voice.
I always say a person has avoice.
If they don't use their voice,they'll either explode or
they'll implode, and both aredangerous.
The strongest weapon a personhas in this world is their voice
, whether it's for Tephila or,roughly, I mean a Khabarama
(27:35):
Nishma, or whether it's insafety where we teach students.
You know, you scream, right,your voice is real.
Can we please empower our youthto be married?
Can we empower them to look forthe right things?
Can we empower them to listento their inner voice if they
feel comfortable or they feeluncomfortable, something just
doesn't feel right.
Can we stop telling them whatto do and how to do it and
having tons of brokenengagements because we're broken
(27:56):
marriages, because they'reforced into it?
I really believe that if weempower the individuals to pay
attention to themselves, we canhelp safeguard them by asking
them so they can self-acclimate,as opposed to us adults.
My husband even says lately heheard somebody saying well, when
I was your age, you know.
You know what we had to do whenwe were first married.
We had three jobs, and so myhusband went over to the person
(28:18):
and he said listen, I have totell you something.
Even I am coming around.
My wife tells us to me all thetime and I'm gonna say it to you
the kids don't really care whatyou did at your age, when you
were their age.
No one cares.
It's very nice that we all haveall this kachma for the past 20
years.
For some reason, thisgeneration, a lot of them, do
(28:39):
not understand it.
They feel like we're theFlintstones.
Okay, we literally are not thesame, so we need to tune into
them and empower them accordingto their level.
But it's like I wanna go backand I wanna hear what are your
examples of manifestation?
Speaker 1 (28:54):
So hello, she wants to answer first.
I'm still stuck on somethingelse that you said, so I I'll
give you a very general idea, ifyou want, and then wherever you
wanna go from here.
I think it's having a consciousawareness of what I am being,
as opposed to what I'm doing,and, through that existence, how
(29:14):
I am being.
There's something that happensin my interaction with Hashem,
speaking the universe, in whathappens in that sort of
spiritual, mystical interaction.
Speaker 3 (29:24):
Okay, got it.
So you want the tower source?
I have it.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
Okay, let's hear it.
Speaker 3 (29:28):
You think like some sort of like Tom Hocken that
learns all day?
Speaker 1 (29:32):
You mean Tom Hocken-Khamah.
Speaker 3 (29:33):
What am I gonna tell you?
Speaker 1 (29:35):
I said you're Tom Hocken-Khamah.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
I mean, it happens to me, I have a Kharusa and there
is something absolutely gorgeousand fascinating that I think
really hits this.
Obviously, I have to find it.
That's it.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
I'm gonna approach you from now on.
You sure you wanna share?
Yeah right, I'm gonna share thesame While you're finding that
source, leora.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
I just wanna backtrack to something that you
said which is super important.
You know we don't really thisis a much larger conversation
but we don't really raise ourchildren in the from world with
a tremendous dose of empowerment, because we very much guide
them.
The Torah guides them, theRebbe guides them, the Mower
guides them, the Shadkhim guidesthem.
The day, everyone's guiding andguiding and telling them where
they should go.
(30:18):
And here's where you go on thedate and this is what you say on
the third day.
And then he's gonna he's notgonna call you because that
would be too independent so I'mgonna just tell you what he said
.
I'm gonna tell you if he wantsthe audience, and so all of this
leads to everyone else kind ofdoing your hard work.
And I don't think it's untilmarriage that people actually
learn to adults, like learn toactually step up and realize
(30:38):
like there's no one theretelling me what to tell my
spouse in an uncomfortableconversation.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
Right, I mean I don't do that.
I don't do that.
That's part of the empowermentwhen I have a shit going out.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
You don't do that but a lot of our society does.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
And that is a huge problem, because we're not
training them to think on theirown.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
That is a huge problem.
Yes, I was saying before that.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
I'm desperately trying to stay away from social
commentary and getting myselfkilled, but we're definitely, I
think, at one point, maybe thatwould itself will be an episode,
which is, what exactly would wewant to sort of socially
engineer?
What society would you wannacreate?
Because, again, I am 22 yearsold.
I've been sitting learning evenMitsuyama.
I'm sitting learning for 12hours a day.
(31:22):
I'm a cerebral machine.
I have no clue.
I don't interact with a complexcreature such as a woman.
I don't.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
And now I'm the best boy, I'm the highest quality boy
, because I know how to sit andlearn.
The word is tap, the word istap Tap boy.
I'm a tap boy that knows how tosit and learn.
I just I'm still trying tofigure out.
I mean, it's beautiful, I'm alot of respect for that, but I'm
not quite sure what sitting andlearning has to do with
creating a very quality, deep,emotionally connected.
(31:50):
So I'm so good.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
So I'm gonna say it even worse.
It has a lot to do with 100years ago, where life was very
simple and very different.
And so to be able to say I'mmarrying a Mitsuyama and then
somehow he just intuitivelyknows how to be a good husband,
how to be a good father, right,the Ishko, they should not
attend.
Ishko does not attend anyclasses on how to be a Fossum
right.
There was a certain Mitsuyama.
(32:12):
There's a reality to the worldthat was different then than
there is now.
Speaker 3 (32:16):
Okay, first of all, I'm sure you're gonna find a lot
of stress about it, but I thinkthere's a resistance.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
There's a resistance to accepting it.
Speaker 3 (32:20):
There is a resistance to accepting it.
There's an extremism going on.
There's an extreme I need somuch help.
And then there's I don't needany help.
I am so dependent.
I am now independent, right,it's the extreme.
It's sort of like the drop shotkind of fact.
Right, I don't.
I can't even set up a date withthe girl who I spent five hours
with without the shachanletting us know what time and
(32:42):
where I'm picking the girl upfrom.
And then it's like, ah, dropshot, and we don't need her
anymore.
We have perfect communication.
It's two dates later.
Fascinating, fascinating.
Where is that logical?
Don't start me, and I amagainst it.
So when people say to me, oh,are we dropping shachan?
I'm like I don't know what thatmeans, because I think it's
such an extreme thing.
Like are you toilet trained?
(33:02):
And therefore you're toilettrained like through the night.
I'm not comparing toilettraining to dropping shachan,
I'm just bad example, but it wasfunny.
Okay, so let's go to the Torah,source of what I believe you can
apply to manifestation, andwhich is my sense of self, right
and having a true sense of self.
What you're doing is you'rebringing it a step further, but
I'm gonna tie it all in.
Okay, so I learned this is byRabbi Duretsky.
(33:25):
My son-in-law is Rabbi and hehas a book called PowerPoint and
we go through the inyanim, myChavru Senai.
So brings down a Rebbe in Uyonaand he's talking about Emuna.
And if we would say a startingpoint of Judaism in Yiddishkai,
right, what would you say is thevery first foundation and the
starting point of Judaism, thestarting point of Yiddishkai?
(33:45):
Okay, the very interesting, thefoundational point of
Yiddishkai.
I'm gonna read it straight frompage 48.
Now let's return to the firstquestion, the foundational point
of Yiddishkai, and let me sharewith you the answer of Rebbe in
Uyona.
Rebbe in Uyona was a Rishon.
It's so critical that I'd liketo learn it together with you in
Rebbe in Uyona's own word, aPesach Harishon Hu.
The first foundation, the firstentry into Yiddishkai, is the
(34:06):
Yadah Haish Ha'vayd that aperson who truly wants to do
what is right and who wants tolive a meaningful life of growth
and who wants to serve Hashem,must clearly know Erkatsna, he
must have a firm foundation andbelief in capital letters
himself, he must have a strongdose of self esteem, he must
have a deep hashivas for who heis and he must banish the
(34:27):
toxicity of self doubt, b'yakirmalasso, and he must know his
strengths, his own personal,unique strengths that he
specifically brings to the table.
Now.
The reason why end quote, thereason why I feel that this
applies is because if a personis aware of who they are and
they believe in themselves.
And even later on, rufsadKakaohen goes even further and
he explains that there's twoAmunas there's Amuna in yourself
(34:49):
and there's Amuna in Hashem.
Because if you have Amuna inyourself, how could Amuna in
yourself?
Why are we saying Amuna inyourself, not Amuna Hashem?
Because if you have Amuna inyourself, that means you know
your strength.
And if you know your strengths,you live this world with your
strengths, not with yourweaknesses.
And if you live this world withyour strengths and you don't
have self doubt even though, ofcourse, you have weaknesses,
though, if I live my lifebelieving in myself, having
(35:09):
strengths, not having self doubt, then I will have good
relationships with the worldaround me, which applies here
also, by the way.
And if I have goodrelationships with the world
around me, I will have a goodrelationship with Akhadash
Barakho.
Why?
Because I could believe in him.
Why Because I have goodrelationships and I have
strengths, and he has a tafkidthat he has in mind for me.
So, therefore, it will comearound to the very beginning and
I will understand that Ibelieve in myself.
(35:31):
Why?
Because Hashem believes in me.
You see, it's the same.
It's the Hashem in me.
Hashem has a tafkid for me.
Now that I like myself, I couldbe real with myself.
Only if I could be real withmyself, then can I see what
others see.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
So do you know off top of your head?
I guess you're dealing probablywith me, both of you.
You're dealing with youngpeople who go to all kinds of
backgrounds in terms of whatschools they went to.
Right Meaning your clientele isnot only people who physically
live in the water barrier, butpeople who live in Maryland.
Speaker 3 (36:02):
Maybe two percent for each of us.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
Okay, exactly, so you get to see people from all over
.
Okay, jeva asked them again.
This is my curiosity you everasked them in all of your
studies, all in any setting,whether it's individually, with
your own rabbi or a Kala teacheror a Mora, whoever you can, a
rabbi, wherever you connect itto.
When did you ever sit down andexplore these in Yonan in depth
to actually internalize and cometo terms with how important you
(36:25):
are, that you're Salam al-Aqim,that you're Hashivas beyond and
from that place you live outyour life?
How many people took a break intheir routine of their living
to pause and be working oninternalizing this?
Speaker 2 (36:37):
I wish that there would be pre-marital and
pre-dating at least pre-datingclasses in in Yeshivas and high
schools.
100 percent, it is extremelynecessary.
I wish Halavai Leo, you want tostart a curriculum with me.
It's like you want to start acareer.
You'll do that.
Yeah, I'll tell you this.
That was amazing, Rebekh.
Speaker 3 (36:54):
Bhuvane Epstein.
He actually has one that he hascreated for boys, for men, in
Yeshivas.
It's excellent.
I sat in one of his classes.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
You know, is it high school?
I was not in a boys high school.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
Yeah, it's high school based matters, but I was
not in a boys high school when Iheard him.
It was on a program.
Okay, I didn't go to the boyshigh school to hear his speech,
but it's excellent.
He really equips the guys.
He talks to the guys, heexplains a lot of stuff to the
guys.
I find it very, very helpful Interms of the girls.
You know they are a little moreequipped.
But then usually what I find isthat after seminary, when they
come back, it's more practicaland attainable and reachable for
them.
That's when it's a good time tohave those conversations.
(37:26):
I've had a lot of my daughter'sfriends have called me up
recently and been like I'm aboutto date, can we talk?
Absolutely.
Can I just like add one lastthing before before we end?
I think that if we said aboutwe're sitting here saying who
wants me, who wants me?
So I just want to givepractical tools so that a person
can help themselves, okay, sowe have to understand that there
are marketing tools and thereare non-marketing tools.
(37:46):
But who wants me?
What am I attracting thefollowing?
First of all, please take a lookat your resume.
Sometimes your resume is not sogood and it needs to be seen by
another set of eyes, and I findit by a lot of times, like I
hear recently.
Last week I read the resumewith somebody and the girl's
like, oh, I think it's fine.
And my aunt told me to changethat.
And they said, um, it's just arecommendation.
(38:06):
I look at hundreds of resumes aday, so you can keep it if you
feel that it best represents you.
It's a marketing tool.
It's not going to make yourshit up or not make your shit up
, but it's a marketing toolbecause people want to feel like
they're doing his job less.
So please make sure it's good.
You are a resume, your picture,yada, yada, yada.
Sometimes you need a second setof eyes.
A new girl who was very humble,so she didn't want to write
(38:27):
what her occupation was, so shedumped herself down.
Um, she thought that would helpher.
It actually didn't help her.
It's very nice to be humble,but at the same time you're
allowed to say what you do.
Um, so again, please have asecond set of eyes.
Review that with you Now.
And the next thing is is thatwhen you're going out there in
the world and how you presentyourself, go to events in person
?
Do zoom dates, not zoom dates,I'm sorry.
Zoom, what are they called?
(38:48):
Be dating like, or well thosethings.
Meet with Shad Hanim and seewhat's coming to you and then
take a look and say what is thefeedback?
What's the feedback If I meetthe Shad Hanim's afters?
Can I just ask you what yourimpression was of me?
I hope I represented myselfwell and if the Shad Hanim says
her impression, she might beable to say oh, that's so
interesting, thanks so much.
So maybe I misrepresentedmyself.
I want to tell you a little bitmore.
(39:08):
Or you might come to theconclusion Shad Hanim or not for
you, and that's okay.
I don't think you reallyunderstand what I'm looking for.
I think I told you three timesI don't want a guy who's 15
years older than me, and thelast three Shad Hanim.
You read me, the guy was 15years older, so I don't think I
want to work with you anymore.
That's okay.
But the relationshipcommunication see what you look
like.
Please use these tools.
Every opportunity is anopportunity for you to have an
(39:29):
Acer Connecto, an outside eyehopefully, with Hashem's
blessing, a safe set of eyes toprotect you and to guide you
correctly.
If you keep getting read toguys that are very nerdy and
you're a very cool girl.
There is a possibility you'regiving something off in the way
that you present yourself, theway that you talk.
There must be something, and etcetera, et cetera.
This follows through in allareas and hopefully with that a
(39:49):
person will be able to presentthemselves correctly on dates,
the way that they really want topresent themselves.
If a person were to get to knowthem, sometimes I say why can't
they give me three more datesand then get to know me?
It takes me time to warm up.
We live in a fast-paced societytoday.
Better to work on yourself, towarm yourself up with who you
are.
Go on that date, go home fromthat date and be like I'm a
great dator.
I was tuned into the personacross from me.
I was nice to them.
(40:10):
When they were cold, I saidlet's go inside.
When they were Thursday, I saidlet's get a drink.
I'm a great dator.
The self-esteem doesn't have tobe from trying to sell yourself
.
Don't try to impress, just tryto connect.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
Beautiful, beautiful.
Thank you, raquel.
Do you have any parting words?
I?
Speaker 2 (40:22):
know that you are not so able to stick around, but I
would love to continue aconversation on dating from a
place of authenticity.
I think we relate to whatsociety wants us to look like
and act like and present likeand what our resume should
(40:42):
consist of.
As opposed to looking deepinside myself, finding my true
core values and strengths andtalents and looking for someone
who actually wants what I reallyhave to offer, we have a better
opportunity to connect in adeep way when we present that,
as opposed to just everyonewants a top guy and I'm a Vesak
girl, so I think I should begoing for a top guy.
(41:04):
I don't even know what thatmeans.
You know what I mean.
I would rather someone whowants the best parts of who I
really am to connect to that.
So I would love a conversationfurther on that, but that's
longer and we don't have time.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
We will manifest that in the next episode.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
We will manifest it in the next episode.
I'm great.
Speaker 3 (41:21):
It's so manifest, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:23):
Okay, thanks so much for joining me today.
Yorah, I might call you backseparately.
Amazing.
Speaker 1 (41:29):
Sounds great.
Okay, everybody, thanks forjoining me.
Thank you.
Thank you for joining us today.
For questions, comments, topicsyou'd like to hear more about,
or to try our 24 weekrelationship challenge, email us
at relationshipreimagined atgmail.
Hello and welcome to dating, marriage and divorce
conversations where we analyze,navigate and troubleshoot all
stages of your romantic life.
I'm your host, igor Meisselman,a divorce attorney turned
relationship coach.
Okay, everybody, we are backfor another round with my two
(00:32):
guests, leon and Rachel Burnham.
A shot and a dating coach andeverything else in between.
This is going to be anotherexciting episode, I can feel it,
because we're going to talk tothem about.
What am I attracting?
Sounds very esoteric andmystical.
I hope the two of you canenlighten all of us.
What am I attracting?
What am I trying to attract?
(00:53):
Rachel, do you want to start usoff?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Sure, alrighty, so let's jump right in.
So I get this question a lotbecause most people are just
looking for the best guy and thebest girl and I'm still trying
to figure out what best evenmeans, because obviously we're
all individuals and havedifferent needs, but something
that tends to happen.
I am not just the personshowing up on a date.
I am someone showing up on adate with a history of
(01:14):
everything that brought me tobecoming who I am my experiences
, my family, my friends, myschool, my talents, all of the
parts of me that make me me.
And so if a lot of thoseexperiences were positive and
happy and encouraging andconfident, then what I bring on
a date is exactly what I end upattracting.
I bring that happy, positive,confidence self who is you know,
(01:36):
knows who I am, knows what Iwant to build in my home and my
future, and now I'm ready tobuild.
So therefore, I tend to attractlike-minded type of people who
are attracted to me because Iput out this energy of
positivity forward, moving, ofthinking of the future, of
confidence, and that is veryattractive when we have people
who come on a date where youknow dating is just not working
(01:57):
for me and I just know this isgoing to be a bomb anyway and
all the shaltahs are done and,like you, don't understand what
I've gone through in my life,right.
So that also brings a certaintype of energy to a date, and we
tend to attract people that areeither going to reject us which
is a whole other conversationin itself, right, why we
self-sabotage relationships orwe'll attract someone who's
(02:17):
like-minded and find some sortof misery, loves company in that
space, but that might notnecessarily be a healthy way to
start a relationship andcertainly not a healthy way to
continue a long lasting, healthyrelationship.
So my recommendation for mostpeople is, instead of saying,
how can I find that right one?
Ask yourself, how can I be thatright one, how can I be the
(02:37):
best version of myself?
Make sure that I am adjusted,confident, positive, happy, able
to handle challenge, you know,have a strong sense of a muna
vitajo and that, like Hashem, isin control, and then, once I am
being that kind of person,naturally I will attract a very
healthy, like-minded type ofperson who wants what I'm
offering.
So it's like I don't.
I want to know what you thinkabout that, because that is
(02:59):
something that I'm been pushingvery hard for for a long time.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Okay, there's a number of things that run me
through my mind.
I don't know how far we'regoing to sort of steer off
course.
First of all, the first wordthat came to me was manifesting.
That's what I wrote down,because I know there's a lot of
interesting discussion in theplural world of how do you
manifest thing.
And then the second thing thatcame up for me was well, I'm
going to show up in this happygo lucky.
(03:23):
I don't know, I'm just being alittle bit hyperbolic, but I'm
going to show up with thisattitude.
But I'm sitting with a shachemwho they can interpret me
through their lens.
Then they're going to conveythat message to who they think
I'm a good fit for.
But what I'm hearing you say isyou know what, just that
approach of shifting years intothat type of existence, I can
(03:43):
disregard the shachem and justI'm going to walk around with a
belief attitude that a shem isgoing to be sending something
that's going to gravitatetowards me being this way, as
opposed to I meet a girl at acoffee shop or on college campus
or a workplace Is that whatyou're saying?
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Well, yes, I am saying that, but I also strongly
believe that you know, we arewhat we believe, right?
So if we believe that there areno guys out there, guess what?
Every time we go on a datewe're like, see, there are no
guys.
There's such poor quality guysand every guy we go out with, we
find a reason why it's notgoing to work for us, as opposed
to a positive mindset, amindset of this is going to
(04:17):
happen.
It will happen to me.
Why is it that there are twofriends and one always gets
dates and one doesn't?
Because they present differentenergies, they present different
, obviously differentpersonalities.
It's not like there are no guys.
One's getting all these datesand one isn't right.
So ask Liora, when someonecomes to visit her, right, you
get a vibe from a person, andthat vibe is typically a real
positive vibe, and I really wantto set this person up with some
of my top quality men or womenbecause I'm like, wow, this is a
(04:40):
great person.
Or I'm like, oh boy, what am Igoing to do?
I think I'm just going to sendhim a heart of Rachel, because I
love them.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
That's right.
Actually, I want to narrow,lira.
I want to, I want to send thisover to you, but I want to
really narrow question becauseI'm just now.
I'm just curious aboutsomething.
Let's say somebody comes in,boy or girl, you're sensing from
them this sort of limitedmindset, limiting beliefs.
I can never get a good date.
Everything's a disaster.
Once you pick up that energyfrom that person, what's your
(05:10):
next step in how you deal withthem?
Speaker 3 (05:12):
Oh boy, this is a fun question.
Okay, how do I deal withsomebody who comes in like that?
Okay, I'm going to answer thatUm, a hundred thoughts running
through my head, but let's,let's hyper focus on this.
If somebody comes to me andthey present themselves one way,
then I'm going to obviously askthem questions about what
they're presenting.
So, if somebody startsexplaining to me, like the type
(05:34):
of cloud work that they do andare you looking for somebody who
also does that Are you lookingfor someone to be your partner,
your cheerleader, stand behindyou?
Where do you envision yourself,you know, in terms of where
does the spouse fit in with yourplan of everything that you do?
Right, I always go to thesecamps and work with special
needs kids and my wife is goingto have to stand by me, okay,
what if she's not good at that?
(05:55):
Where does your presence, senseof self, have room or space to
hold another person who might ormight not have that same
passion and drive, and they donot have to have the same
passion or drive, okay, as you.
So that's one question, butlet's go to the negative side,
okay, because there are concernsthat come up besides negative.
Negative is a very easy target.
It's a very broad statement andpeople have a reason why
(06:17):
they're negative.
No one's negative for no reason.
People are negative becausethey've been hurt or they
haven't down their other halfand their friends have all moved
on.
People have really good reasonsfor being negative.
They had bad experiences withShad Hanem or with growing up,
teachers, family.
Whatever the reason is, I woulddefinitely say that if I find
somebody who comes in and isvery negative, I usually brush
them, don't get most of them,because I tell people not to
(06:38):
meet me.
I'm like you don't have to meetme.
Like if you don't want to meeta Shad Hanem, like you don't
have to meet me, I don't needyou to come and meet me.
Like it doesn't do me anything.
Like so why are you coming?
So to say, because I want tohave skin in the game and I want
to say that I tried.
See, I went to a Shad Hanem.
Oh, I'm a person Like I wouldnever want you to feel like that
in front of me.
I'm so sorry, please don't cometo me for that.
But if you say I want to reallybe vulnerable and say can you
(06:58):
really help me?
Because I really believe thatyou are a person that can help
me or guide me or direct mecorrectly, no sweat.
But if somebody is very negative, I will ask them questions like
oh, that's so interesting thatyou think there's no good guys
out there.
Where does that come from?
What's your experience?
I want to learn about why youthink that.
So usually I'll ask thequestion behind the question.
It's a very famous quote byKailash Roy says this Look,
(07:20):
what's the question behind thequestion?
I really want to know why, likewhy are you so negative?
But really there's a questioneven deeper than that, which is
why are you presenting yourselfthis way?
That happened in your life thatcaused you to be negative?
So usually I'll just try totake a more like empathetic
approach of like, wow, it soundslike it's been a lot.
I don't start with who I wantto set her up and get her
married, because I actuallydon't believe she'll be able to
(07:42):
present herself correctly andattract who she ultimately is
meant to be.
And I do see the success ofpeople getting to the point
where they could developthemselves and get themselves
into a better mindset so theycould date effectively.
All right.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
So, leora.
So that's exactly the point.
There's obviously very good, noone's judging.
There's obviously very goodreasons why people are coming
from you know, some level oftrauma or experiences that put
them into that place.
The question is are theyactually ready to be dating?
And even if they think thatthey are and they do date, are
they going to be dating thehighest quality caliber of
person that they would like, orwould they be able to attract
(08:14):
the kind of person that they'rereally looking for until they
work through those challenges?
So there's no judgment, but Itypically recommend people to
take a break from dating andfocus more on self and getting
yourself into a place where youare comfortable and confident
with yourself, because that'sthe best way to be able to share
that part with somebody else.
Marriage is not going to healyou.
Marriage is not a hospital.
It's not going to heal you.
(08:34):
If anything it's going to takeas skills, I'll tell you it's
going to take your challengesand multiply them, right.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
So yeah, but when you say that to, I'm actually very
curious to know this.
Do you speak that openly?
Speaker 2 (08:46):
Let's go to a girl because in my mind, in my mind.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
I'm imagining I am this like innocent, I don't know
, 20, 22 year old, who beenproduct of the system, quote,
unquote.
And like this is what I know.
And you're going to tell me, oh, you know, kind of go back in
the freezer for half a year, andI'm like thinking my life's
clock is ticking and the windowis narrowing of my options.
(09:09):
I'm going to take this time offMeaning.
I'm imagining there is thisinternal, very pressurized,
anxiety-ridden environment yeah,what was?
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
So what I would?
I don't tell this and Itypically, as a as a rule, don't
tell people what to do, but Igive them choices.
So here's the choice we cankeep dating and the kinds of
guys that you're going to beattracting are either guys that
you're not going to like or guysthat you will like, that will
reject you for this reason mostprobably right.
Or what we can do is we cantake a break for three months,
maybe six months, I didn't say10 years, you know.
(09:40):
Three months to six months toreally focus on this piece, get
to the bottom of like where thatyou know negative attitude
comes from, where that belief,that core belief system of low
self-confidence I'm not going to.
I mean, I've had so many girlstell me I don't think I'll make
a good mother, I don't thinkI'll make a good wife, I came
from an abusive home and now,like essentially, to sum it up,
(10:00):
I'm just a people pleaser,because that's how I get people
to just not yell and scream andhurt me.
And so you think that goinginto marriage in that place is
going to attract a healthyrelationship?
No, so I give them choices.
We can go into dating and wecan get what is available, which
either might not be what youwant or you might be rejected a
lot, or we can take some time toget you into a better place
(10:22):
that you can attract a higherquality.
You know.
Shut up for yourself, so it'sreally your choice.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
I want to add in something.
Yeah, no, no, you go ahead.
No it's okay, it's okay, youcould go first Working on my
needs and being a nice person.
I'll get a mid-synoteafterwards.
Go ahead.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
The more I'm listening to this that now I
actually do more questions Ihave because, just quickly
reminding the audience,especially if you're first time
hearing us having this three-waydialogue I get to deal with
couples 10, 15, 20 years laterand I'm always having this
curiosity what in the world wasgoing on with them before they
got into this most complicateddecision of somebody's life,
which is getting married andliving with another human being?
(10:58):
So I'm curious has anybody evercame to meet with you where
you're?
After having conversation,you're like you're not ready to
date and I'm just going to tellyou that straight out now.
Have you ever done that?
Many times we are where by you.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Okay.
So when I meet people I like touse the term yet it's sort of
like in Kira I don't saysomeone's not from, we say
they're not from yet Becausesomebody could come to meet me
and they might be a person whocould get married, but maybe not
yet.
So I don't disqualify, I don'tpush away.
If somebody chose to meet withme, I'm having a meeting with
(11:32):
them regardless.
My job is do my taff kid.
My taff kid does not mean thatI have to make sure that that
person who can't get marriedwill get married.
That's a little.
That's a little silly.
I would not be able to do that.
Well, that I could do is try tohelp a person see for
themselves what is that theyactually want.
You know the, the power ofeducators which I am an educator
(11:57):
and I've been for 25 years, Iwould say is the power to
empower other people, ourstudents, to take information
and to acquire it for themselves.
And when they do that they haveaccountability and it's a
really nice thing.
So I don't have to meetsomebody and say, hey, listen, I
can't set you up, I don't havean obligation to do that.
That would actually be awkward.
(12:17):
I don't want somebody to thinkthat just because they're not in
a good place right now meansthat I judge them forever, that
they're always going to be thatperson that I met when they
weren't in a good place.
You see, I'm a safe zonebecause it doesn't matter,
because I'm not judging them,I'm not trying to do a psycho,
analyze them none of that, youknow.
And also, but I'm here to showthem at the right time and
people do come back and they docome back better, healthier,
(12:38):
high.
Can I just check in with you?
I just want to let you know I'min a really different place
than I was when I met you lasttime.
Sure, no problem, and we startfresh and new.
I don't see this as any sort ofreflection on the trajectory of
, like, happier relationships,worse relationships, a healthy
person.
People go through ups and downsand if somebody met me at a time
where they felt that theypushed themselves to do but it
was really out of their comfort,I totally understand.
(12:59):
It's like every time I try togo on a diet, I'm like that's
just stupid.
I don't really want to be onthis diet.
I'm really not ready for itright now.
But then when I am on a dietand I lose.
You know, I lose my weight likeyay, go me.
So just because somebody isright now in a certain place in
their life doesn't mean thatthey're always going to be like
that.
They're not always going to benegative.
And that's the one I want to addin is that not everyone is
(13:20):
traumatized.
People are hurt.
Not everyone has.
There's different types oftrauma, right, you're the
therapist you could explain it.
There's acute trauma, right,and then there's trauma that
takes over time.
It builds up no girl who hasn'tgotten a date or a guy that
hasn't gotten dates and thesubstantial amount of time
that's going to quote the typeof but it doesn't mean there's
something traumatic happen intheir life.
(13:41):
So I just want to clarify that,so that we're working with
understanding that there arepeople and maybe you can answer
this why is there such a driveand such a need I'm not even
talking about Jewish perspectivewhy is there such a drive and a
need for companionship?
Speaker 1 (13:54):
It's actually easy.
I mean, I'm still going to givea Jewish answer because I
believe with all stars, are youJewish?
Speaker 3 (14:00):
You're Jewish, you must be Jewish.
You're giving a Jewish answer.
I'm not Jewish, that's right.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
I'm going to give a Jewish answer, which is I made a
world and he made that world ina certain way, so meaning he
programmed into men and womeninstinct for that.
It's not only that.
The verse says it's not goodfor man to be alone, which just
simply implies there might besome negative downside to being
alone there.
It seems to be thatbiochemically we are wired for
(14:25):
that connection and you know,without, without sort of right
now turning into a bigdiscussion, I can just tell you
that there's stuff that goes onin us physically before we can
get into a spiritual realm.
There's physical stuff going onin the brain, chemical and
biological responses within thebody that energize and activate
craving for connection.
I mean, the most famous examplethat people talk about is the
(14:48):
still face experiment.
It's a famous experiment theydid with the baby and the mother
looks at the child, smiles, thebaby starts smiling and is like
interacting.
And when the mother would makea still face, the baby would cry
, even though all othervariables were the same, meaning
it was a well lit room, thereare toys everywhere, there's
food in front of the child andthe child would have these
(15:09):
direct, completely differentreactions simply to the change
of the facial expression thatindicated a disconnect or
rejection versus a connection,and so that demonstrates that we
are basically interpersonal inour nature.
Our nature is to be relationaland that's why rejection or not
getting a date is going to feelso awful.
(15:31):
We're going on a bad date,experiencing feeling of
rejection.
All these things are going tobe going to be leaving imprint
and you know, kind of back tothe idea of manifesting and what
we're attracting to.
Or, if I get rejected enoughtimes, I naturally start having
limiting beliefs and negativebeliefs, like I'm not deserving,
I'm not worthy, I couldpossibly be happy, but I want to
(15:51):
sort of cycle back to the oryou mentioned okay, I am what it
was.
That was the phrase like to use.
Or equal opportunity employer,everybody's welcome by Liora,
but that's not.
But that's not a question ofposing.
What I'm curious about is great, Everybody's welcome.
But you now sat with me for anhour and I've been constantly
bending the conversation in thedirection of negative remarks.
(16:11):
Something's wrong.
You know that type of energy.
So all I'm asking is, by thetime you're done listening to me
for an hour, constantly pushingthe conversation towards
negative conclusions, negativeexperiences, and now it's time
to say bye, or maybe it's timeto say goodbye, the end of that
hour.
I want to know.
I want to know are you tellingme, hey, I have just the right
(16:35):
month for you.
She says miserable to you.
I'm setting you up next week.
Are you telling me, sorry, I'mshipping you off to Ruchel in
Maryland.
She's going to work with youfor three months and then I have
the right one for you?
Okay, great question.
Okay, great question.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
So.
So I don't tend to tell peoplethat I think that they need help
.
I just met them.
They don't know me, I don'tknow them.
There is no obligation, and Ido hope that anyone who meets me
has other people in their lifeand that I'm not the sole
caretaker for this person who Ijust met for 40 minutes.
So in Merit Sashem, they haveall their own people in their
(17:11):
life who know them better andwho I would imagine they would
want to be macabre from, asopposed to someone who they just
met.
Now if I have a safe, ongoing,continuous relationship, then it
becomes a little bit easier toguide.
You know, right now I'm doingfull time, nine to five every
day, shadrachem, dating,coaching and Kala classes.
It's very specific what I dowith my coaching and there are
(17:32):
other things that I do not touchand I send them over to Rachel.
So, because there there arespecialties within coaching and
I do believe, like any, andnobody could just say I'm a
doctor, therefore I knoweverything you specialize, even
in therapy you specialize, right.
So a person has to know theirstrengths and what they
specialize in.
But I will say is that if I doget somebody who is negative not
(17:56):
I don't again, I'm not talkingabout negative across the board
but I get a negative phone call,okay, in my initial meetings I
don't tell people I don't thinkyou're ready for marriage.
If somebody's not ready, I'mhappy I met them and in Merit
Sashem they'll be ready.
If they're ready in threemonths, six months, I check in
with people.
So I always do check ins justto follow up how are you, what's
doing, where are you holding,how's dating?
And so again, that opens up theavenue for if they say certain
(18:21):
things or certain words, I mightbe saying hmm, so interesting.
You mentioned that the pastthree times.
Did you ever speak to somebodyabout that?
And then we could go there in amore natural, loving and not
hurtful manner and they reallyfeel that it's for their own
best interest.
Now I have had recently I hadtwo phone calls in the past week
, which are definitely fun ones,and I basically got phone calls
about why aren't you setting meup?
(18:43):
I said so, I listen.
And then I'm like oh, what doyou mean?
And then when they tell me andit's funny because I'm both
accounts I was told you haven't,you've never set me up, and I
and you don't send me ideas.
So I went back to my notes andI said oh, it's so interesting
because I tried setting up withso and so, so and so, so and so,
so and so and so, and they haveeverything listed.
Oh, but those weren't shy,let's start from the beginning.
(19:03):
You just called me up and youjust said to me you haven't set
me up, you haven't sent me anyideas.
So if we're going to talk factsno problem then the facts have
to be truthful.
This conversation can only betruthful.
And then I'll say to them thefollowing.
This is a fun one, ready, wow.
So if I'm not setting you up andyou're contacting me about this
(19:23):
, I would love to know who doeshave more on target Shaddukham
for you.
What Shaddukham out of the 40that you reached out to?
Who's the last Shaddukham thatset you up right?
How old was the person?
What do they do?
Where are they from?
What are your Hashgahfahs?
Tell me, how many times did yougo out with them?
Tell me about the last threepeople you went out with,
because if all these Shaddukhamare getting it and I'm not, then
(19:44):
I would love to learn so Icould be more on target for you.
And the answer over and overagain and it wasn't just this
week, it was other weeks yeah,it was usually well, I don't
really go out much, okay, butwhat was the last three like?
Well, I haven't really.
What about the last two?
No, I, when's the last time youwent on a date?
And then I realized, when theydon't have an answer, this isn't
really about pulling me up andblaming me for not setting them
(20:04):
up and then we get into thisdiscussion about this topic.
Who wants me?
What am I attracting?
What am I not attracting?
What am?
Speaker 2 (20:12):
I rejecting.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
What can I do now?
What am I rejecting?
Even better, good, call outWait because you just gave them
a whole list.
I did give them a list and theyhave great reasons, and that's
usually when I say go to RachaelBurnham, because Rachael
Burnham has the ability to do.
What I would say is she's muchbetter at putting a person right
(20:37):
in front of the mirror andsaying, well, let's take a look.
Well, that's price and touch,and I think the mirror right,
and the mirror is a verypowerful tool.
Look at your intellect, look atyour presentation, look at your
spirituality, look at yourfinances, look at your
background, look where you live.
If I don't have you telling methat I have a milk mustache on
my mouth, oh no, I have amustache you need a mirror.
(20:59):
I say AcerConnecto is at everystage of life.
You need an AcerConnecto.
Even if you're single andyou're, I don't know, 33 years
old.
You need someone to be sayingsomething to you or you're going
to get very set in your ways.
You always need somebody topoint things out to you, even
with a learning curve, so youcan learn on your own, or it
doesn't appear to you have astudent who can learn with
somebody else, but if you learnwith somebody else, they'll be
(21:19):
able to point things out to youthat you otherwise wouldn't
notice.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
I try to stay away from, like, I guess, social
commentary and just like being apolemicist just for the sake of
, you know, rebel rousing.
But I'm just curious.
I go through the system, a boyor girl, I mean, I can comment
even more on boys, even though Ihave a daughter in high school,
and I guess I could sort ofcomment on my little glimpses of
what I get from the things sheshares with me.
(21:42):
But I don't stand again.
I'm 20 years old.
I'm 21 years old.
I'm moving now into this newphase of life, right, seeking
out a spouse, one of them, thinkabout now doing that next phase
of life, starting a family, andalso I'm going to sit down with
somebody who tells me thingslike you know, there's this
thing called manifesting and I'mgoing to be like I never saw
tost was use the wordmanifesting.
(22:04):
I never seen Hazal say my rabbigiving a schmooze never said.
You know you need to learn tomanifest the right way.
I'm just wondering again, Ineed your end of it because
again, when people come in tospeak to me, there is already a
certain life experience theexperience parenthood, the
experience being a spouse.
You're coming in and you'relike yeah, I've been single and
(22:26):
you know with my roommates andyou know in a dorm and I thought
over, you know how much spacemy socks can occupy in this room
, but what do you know aboutmanifesting?
So I'm just wondering like isit when you sit down with
somebody fresh on the boat andthey start telling you okay, so
help me, I want to be a gooddata?
Let's say they even have thatmuch of a healthy mindset and
you're like well, let's talkabout how you manifest.
Do you like blow their circuits?
(22:47):
They're like what did you say?
Is there a total source forthis?
Speaker 2 (22:50):
I mean, everybody manifests, whether they like it
or not.
Everybody does it, naturally,right.
So when someone, when someonegoes out with a guy and
everything's going really welland then she doesn't want to
continue, why it's just not whatI had in mind, like I never saw
myself with a guy like that,right, Because she manifested
something in her mind which mayor may be realistically based.
It may just be complete fantasymost of the time it is right,
(23:13):
and so the picture of the guythat she's meeting is not the
exact look of the manifestationin her that she's been
manifesting for the past 20years of what she thinks her
spouse is going to look like.
So we all do it.
I'm just, I'm just putting alabel on it.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
I like what you're saying, right, but my question
is again, I'm telling you,because what winds up happening
is.
This is a little bit.
I want to share what goes on inlife, which is one sitting with
couples let's say, marriage foryears and whatever they're
working through and I might saysomething, and I'm not talking
about some fancy orsophisticated psychology term.
I might say something where thecouples look at me they're like
(23:46):
is that a Torah concept?
I get that all the time, by theway, and so I definitely
noticed that I have to do my ownresearch and continue to learn
and grow as well, that I amsaying things that are Torah
line because I would like tothink I'm a Torah Jew and so the
things I'm teaching I want themto be Torah line, but I think
it's very legitimate,appropriate, that they are
challenging me back with well,one second.
(24:07):
I give the concept nice idea.
Is that really Torah concept?
And so I'm just wondering, inyour stage of the game where you
are 10 years before I get them,but 20 years before I get them,
do you find anybody sort oflike I'm going to call this
healthy skepticism like you,tell them something from where
you are right 40 years old,older, life experience behind
(24:28):
you, and here's this youngperson sitting in front of us
who knows nothing about reallife.
Yet Do you find anybody havingthat type of like healthy
skepticism?
Wait a second, where did youget that from?
Do you have a source for whatyou're saying?
I get that asked all the time.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
So I don't actually get that asked very much at all,
because I'm dealing with peoplethat I maybe are just much
younger.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
But you're saying they just believe you, they just
believe you.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
I mean, you know, they've seen it in their life,
they've seen it play out.
They might not know the term ofit, but they know that they
have done it right.
The idea of like mitzvah, garah, mitzvah, agarah, agarah,
agarah, agarah.
Like those concepts are thesame idea.
When we do something positive,it leaves us the more positive.
That's that the Torah conceptright, so they don't tend to
challenge me in that sense.
No, I don't find that to be ofthe problem.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
Okay.
So two things when I want toseparate the Torah source and I
also which is obviously the mostimportant always and I want to
know your definition ofmanifestation and I want to hear
you use some real primeexamples that we can address.
But before we do that, I alsowant to state that a lot of
times when I tell people things,or I'm discussing with them, or
I'm coaching them, or I'mguiding them, or they're in a
(25:30):
shedok or they're calling mebecause they're on the fringe,
like should I continue, should Inot continue?
Is this a concern?
Is this not a concern?
Usually, what I'll do is I willwork much more off of database
evidence.
I do like to work off ofexperience.
There is a khachma, a realkhachma with experience.
I'm careful not to project and,in addition to that, I really
(25:51):
like to use fact more thanopinions.
If I have a hush let's saysomebody's going out with
somebody I feel like there'ssomething I don't like about
what the girl said to the guy.
I don't like what the guy saidto the girl, and I see a pattern
and it's not a one-time event,it's three or four times.
There's a concrete pattern andwe're getting closer and closer
to something that's going toself-destruct or somebody's
(26:11):
going to walk into a lion's den,right.
What do we do with thisinformation?
Because, again, it's just akhush, it's just a feeling.
What do I know?
So my answer to that is thatwhen those things happen, I
don't tell people well, this iswhat this looks like down the
road, this is what this couldlook like down the road I'm not
a nubby, but I do have a nishamaand there is a certain khush
(26:33):
that a person can have.
So I'll say to them, I'll sayto the individual wow, the
person you're dating said thatto, and how did you feel about
that?
And then they usually go oh mygosh, you know what it's so
funny.
You say that because I actuallydidn't like it when it happened
.
Sometimes they just need thingsmoved to the front burner.
I think we underestimate thepower of 20-year-olds.
Don't get me wrong.
I don't think that they're40-year-olds.
(26:53):
Okay, I don't think thatthey're 60-year-olds, I think
that they're 20-year-olds.
But the one thing that we a lotof times that happens in
shodokim is people feel thattheir ability to make decisions
for themselves has beencompletely taken away from them.
They're dying to be independentso badly, sometimes too badly,
sometimes they're wayovercompensating because they so
badly want to be independent.
(27:14):
But the one thing that we cando as therapists, fadhans, you
know, coaches we can't take awaytheir ability to listen to
their voice, to listen to theirinner voice.
I always say a person has avoice.
If they don't use their voice,they'll either explode or
they'll implode, and both aredangerous.
The strongest weapon a personhas in this world is their voice
, whether it's for Tephila or,roughly, I mean a Khabarama
(27:35):
Nishma, or whether it's insafety where we teach students.
You know, you scream, right,your voice is real.
Can we please empower our youthto be married?
Can we empower them to look forthe right things?
Can we empower them to listento their inner voice if they
feel comfortable or they feeluncomfortable, something just
doesn't feel right.
Can we stop telling them whatto do and how to do it and
having tons of brokenengagements because we're broken
(27:56):
marriages, because they'reforced into it?
I really believe that if weempower the individuals to pay
attention to themselves, we canhelp safeguard them by asking
them so they can self-acclimate,as opposed to us adults.
My husband even says lately heheard somebody saying well, when
I was your age, you know.
You know what we had to do whenwe were first married.
We had three jobs, and so myhusband went over to the person
(28:18):
and he said listen, I have totell you something.
Even I am coming around.
My wife tells us to me all thetime and I'm gonna say it to you
the kids don't really care whatyou did at your age, when you
were their age.
No one cares.
It's very nice that we all haveall this kachma for the past 20
years.
For some reason, thisgeneration, a lot of them, do
(28:39):
not understand it.
They feel like we're theFlintstones.
Okay, we literally are not thesame, so we need to tune into
them and empower them accordingto their level.
But it's like I wanna go backand I wanna hear what are your
examples of manifestation?
Speaker 1 (28:54):
So hello, she wants to answer first.
I'm still stuck on somethingelse that you said, so I I'll
give you a very general idea, ifyou want, and then wherever you
wanna go from here.
I think it's having a consciousawareness of what I am being,
as opposed to what I'm doing,and, through that existence, how
(29:14):
I am being.
There's something that happensin my interaction with Hashem,
speaking the universe, in whathappens in that sort of
spiritual, mystical interaction.
Speaker 3 (29:24):
Okay, got it.
So you want the tower source?
I have it.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
Okay, let's hear it.
Speaker 3 (29:28):
You think like some sort of like Tom Hocken that
learns all day?
Speaker 1 (29:32):
You mean Tom Hocken-Khamah.
Speaker 3 (29:33):
What am I gonna tell you?
Speaker 1 (29:35):
I said you're Tom Hocken-Khamah.
Speaker 3 (29:38):
I mean, it happens to me, I have a Kharusa and there
is something absolutely gorgeousand fascinating that I think
really hits this.
Obviously, I have to find it.
That's it.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
I'm gonna approach you from now on.
You sure you wanna share?
Yeah right, I'm gonna share thesame While you're finding that
source, leora.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
I just wanna backtrack to something that you
said which is super important.
You know we don't really thisis a much larger conversation
but we don't really raise ourchildren in the from world with
a tremendous dose of empowerment, because we very much guide
them.
The Torah guides them, theRebbe guides them, the Mower
guides them, the Shadkhim guidesthem.
The day, everyone's guiding andguiding and telling them where
they should go.
(30:18):
And here's where you go on thedate and this is what you say on
the third day.
And then he's gonna he's notgonna call you because that
would be too independent so I'mgonna just tell you what he said
.
I'm gonna tell you if he wantsthe audience, and so all of this
leads to everyone else kind ofdoing your hard work.
And I don't think it's untilmarriage that people actually
learn to adults, like learn toactually step up and realize
(30:38):
like there's no one theretelling me what to tell my
spouse in an uncomfortableconversation.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
Right, I mean I don't do that.
I don't do that.
That's part of the empowermentwhen I have a shit going out.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
You don't do that but a lot of our society does.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
And that is a huge problem, because we're not
training them to think on theirown.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
That is a huge problem.
Yes, I was saying before that.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
I'm desperately trying to stay away from social
commentary and getting myselfkilled, but we're definitely, I
think, at one point, maybe thatwould itself will be an episode,
which is, what exactly would wewant to sort of socially
engineer?
What society would you wannacreate?
Because, again, I am 22 yearsold.
I've been sitting learning evenMitsuyama.
I'm sitting learning for 12hours a day.
(31:22):
I'm a cerebral machine.
I have no clue.
I don't interact with a complexcreature such as a woman.
I don't.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
And now I'm the best boy, I'm the highest quality boy
, because I know how to sit andlearn.
The word is tap, the word istap Tap boy.
I'm a tap boy that knows how tosit and learn.
I just I'm still trying tofigure out.
I mean, it's beautiful, I'm alot of respect for that, but I'm
not quite sure what sitting andlearning has to do with
creating a very quality, deep,emotionally connected.
(31:50):
So I'm so good.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
So I'm gonna say it even worse.
It has a lot to do with 100years ago, where life was very
simple and very different.
And so to be able to say I'mmarrying a Mitsuyama and then
somehow he just intuitivelyknows how to be a good husband,
how to be a good father, right,the Ishko, they should not
attend.
Ishko does not attend anyclasses on how to be a Fossum
right.
There was a certain Mitsuyama.
(32:12):
There's a reality to the worldthat was different then than
there is now.
Speaker 3 (32:16):
Okay, first of all, I'm sure you're gonna find a lot
of stress about it, but I thinkthere's a resistance.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
There's a resistance to accepting it.
Speaker 3 (32:20):
There is a resistance to accepting it.
There's an extremism going on.
There's an extreme I need somuch help.
And then there's I don't needany help.
I am so dependent.
I am now independent, right,it's the extreme.
It's sort of like the drop shotkind of fact.
Right, I don't.
I can't even set up a date withthe girl who I spent five hours
with without the shachanletting us know what time and
(32:42):
where I'm picking the girl upfrom.
And then it's like, ah, dropshot, and we don't need her
anymore.
We have perfect communication.
It's two dates later.
Fascinating, fascinating.
Where is that logical?
Don't start me, and I amagainst it.
So when people say to me, oh,are we dropping shachan?
I'm like I don't know what thatmeans, because I think it's
such an extreme thing.
Like are you toilet trained?
(33:02):
And therefore you're toilettrained like through the night.
I'm not comparing toilettraining to dropping shachan,
I'm just bad example, but it wasfunny.
Okay, so let's go to the Torah,source of what I believe you can
apply to manifestation, andwhich is my sense of self, right
and having a true sense of self.
What you're doing is you'rebringing it a step further, but
I'm gonna tie it all in.
Okay, so I learned this is byRabbi Duretsky.
(33:25):
My son-in-law is Rabbi and hehas a book called PowerPoint and
we go through the inyanim, myChavru Senai.
So brings down a Rebbe in Uyonaand he's talking about Emuna.
And if we would say a startingpoint of Judaism in Yiddishkai,
right, what would you say is thevery first foundation and the
starting point of Judaism, thestarting point of Yiddishkai?
(33:45):
Okay, the very interesting, thefoundational point of
Yiddishkai.
I'm gonna read it straight frompage 48.
Now let's return to the firstquestion, the foundational point
of Yiddishkai, and let me sharewith you the answer of Rebbe in
Uyona.
Rebbe in Uyona was a Rishon.
It's so critical that I'd liketo learn it together with you in
Rebbe in Uyona's own word, aPesach Harishon Hu.
The first foundation, the firstentry into Yiddishkai, is the
(34:06):
Yadah Haish Ha'vayd that aperson who truly wants to do
what is right and who wants tolive a meaningful life of growth
and who wants to serve Hashem,must clearly know Erkatsna, he
must have a firm foundation andbelief in capital letters
himself, he must have a strongdose of self esteem, he must
have a deep hashivas for who heis and he must banish the
(34:27):
toxicity of self doubt, b'yakirmalasso, and he must know his
strengths, his own personal,unique strengths that he
specifically brings to the table.
Now.
The reason why end quote, thereason why I feel that this
applies is because if a personis aware of who they are and
they believe in themselves.
And even later on, rufsadKakaohen goes even further and
he explains that there's twoAmunas there's Amuna in yourself
(34:49):
and there's Amuna in Hashem.
Because if you have Amuna inyourself, how could Amuna in
yourself?
Why are we saying Amuna inyourself, not Amuna Hashem?
Because if you have Amuna inyourself, that means you know
your strength.
And if you know your strengths,you live this world with your
strengths, not with yourweaknesses.
And if you live this world withyour strengths and you don't
have self doubt even though, ofcourse, you have weaknesses,
though, if I live my lifebelieving in myself, having
(35:09):
strengths, not having self doubt, then I will have good
relationships with the worldaround me, which applies here
also, by the way.
And if I have goodrelationships with the world
around me, I will have a goodrelationship with Akhadash
Barakho.
Why?
Because I could believe in him.
Why Because I have goodrelationships and I have
strengths, and he has a tafkidthat he has in mind for me.
So, therefore, it will comearound to the very beginning and
I will understand that Ibelieve in myself.
(35:31):
Why?
Because Hashem believes in me.
You see, it's the same.
It's the Hashem in me.
Hashem has a tafkid for me.
Now that I like myself, I couldbe real with myself.
Only if I could be real withmyself, then can I see what
others see.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
So do you know off top of your head?
I guess you're dealing probablywith me, both of you.
You're dealing with youngpeople who go to all kinds of
backgrounds in terms of whatschools they went to.
Right Meaning your clientele isnot only people who physically
live in the water barrier, butpeople who live in Maryland.
Speaker 3 (36:02):
Maybe two percent for each of us.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
Okay, exactly, so you get to see people from all over
.
Okay, jeva asked them again.
This is my curiosity you everasked them in all of your
studies, all in any setting,whether it's individually, with
your own rabbi or a Kala teacheror a Mora, whoever you can, a
rabbi, wherever you connect itto.
When did you ever sit down andexplore these in Yonan in depth
to actually internalize and cometo terms with how important you
(36:25):
are, that you're Salam al-Aqim,that you're Hashivas beyond and
from that place you live outyour life?
How many people took a break intheir routine of their living
to pause and be working oninternalizing this?
Speaker 2 (36:37):
I wish that there would be pre-marital and
pre-dating at least pre-datingclasses in in Yeshivas and high
schools.
100 percent, it is extremelynecessary.
I wish Halavai Leo, you want tostart a curriculum with me.
It's like you want to start acareer.
You'll do that.
Yeah, I'll tell you this.
That was amazing, Rebekh.
Speaker 3 (36:54):
Bhuvane Epstein.
He actually has one that he hascreated for boys, for men, in
Yeshivas.
It's excellent.
I sat in one of his classes.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
You know, is it high school?
I was not in a boys high school.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
Yeah, it's high school based matters, but I was
not in a boys high school when Iheard him.
It was on a program.
Okay, I didn't go to the boyshigh school to hear his speech,
but it's excellent.
He really equips the guys.
He talks to the guys, heexplains a lot of stuff to the
guys.
I find it very, very helpful Interms of the girls.
You know they are a little moreequipped.
But then usually what I find isthat after seminary, when they
come back, it's more practicaland attainable and reachable for
them.
That's when it's a good time tohave those conversations.
(37:26):
I've had a lot of my daughter'sfriends have called me up
recently and been like I'm aboutto date, can we talk?
Absolutely.
Can I just like add one lastthing before before we end?
I think that if we said aboutwe're sitting here saying who
wants me, who wants me?
So I just want to givepractical tools so that a person
can help themselves, okay, sowe have to understand that there
are marketing tools and thereare non-marketing tools.
(37:46):
But who wants me?
What am I attracting thefollowing?
First of all, please take a lookat your resume.
Sometimes your resume is not sogood and it needs to be seen by
another set of eyes, and I findit by a lot of times, like I
hear recently.
Last week I read the resumewith somebody and the girl's
like, oh, I think it's fine.
And my aunt told me to changethat.
And they said, um, it's just arecommendation.
(38:06):
I look at hundreds of resumes aday, so you can keep it if you
feel that it best represents you.
It's a marketing tool.
It's not going to make yourshit up or not make your shit up
, but it's a marketing toolbecause people want to feel like
they're doing his job less.
So please make sure it's good.
You are a resume, your picture,yada, yada, yada.
Sometimes you need a second setof eyes.
A new girl who was very humble,so she didn't want to write
(38:27):
what her occupation was, so shedumped herself down.
Um, she thought that would helpher.
It actually didn't help her.
It's very nice to be humble,but at the same time you're
allowed to say what you do.
Um, so again, please have asecond set of eyes.
Review that with you Now.
And the next thing is is thatwhen you're going out there in
the world and how you presentyourself, go to events in person
?
Do zoom dates, not zoom dates,I'm sorry.
Zoom, what are they called?
(38:48):
Be dating like, or well thosethings.
Meet with Shad Hanim and seewhat's coming to you and then
take a look and say what is thefeedback?
What's the feedback If I meetthe Shad Hanim's afters?
Can I just ask you what yourimpression was of me?
I hope I represented myselfwell and if the Shad Hanim says
her impression, she might beable to say oh, that's so
interesting, thanks so much.
So maybe I misrepresentedmyself.
I want to tell you a little bitmore.
(39:08):
Or you might come to theconclusion Shad Hanim or not for
you, and that's okay.
I don't think you reallyunderstand what I'm looking for.
I think I told you three timesI don't want a guy who's 15
years older than me, and thelast three Shad Hanim.
You read me, the guy was 15years older, so I don't think I
want to work with you anymore.
That's okay.
But the relationshipcommunication see what you look
like.
Please use these tools.
Every opportunity is anopportunity for you to have an
(39:29):
Acer Connecto, an outside eyehopefully, with Hashem's
blessing, a safe set of eyes toprotect you and to guide you
correctly.
If you keep getting read toguys that are very nerdy and
you're a very cool girl.
There is a possibility you'regiving something off in the way
that you present yourself, theway that you talk.
There must be something, and etcetera, et cetera.
This follows through in allareas and hopefully with that a
(39:49):
person will be able to presentthemselves correctly on dates,
the way that they really want topresent themselves.
If a person were to get to knowthem, sometimes I say why can't
they give me three more datesand then get to know me?
It takes me time to warm up.
We live in a fast-paced societytoday.
Better to work on yourself, towarm yourself up with who you
are.
Go on that date, go home fromthat date and be like I'm a
great dator.
I was tuned into the personacross from me.
I was nice to them.
(40:10):
When they were cold, I saidlet's go inside.
When they were Thursday, I saidlet's get a drink.
I'm a great dator.
The self-esteem doesn't have tobe from trying to sell yourself
.
Don't try to impress, just tryto connect.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
Beautiful, beautiful.
Thank you, raquel.
Do you have any parting words?
I?
Speaker 2 (40:22):
know that you are not so able to stick around, but I
would love to continue aconversation on dating from a
place of authenticity.
I think we relate to whatsociety wants us to look like
and act like and present likeand what our resume should
(40:42):
consist of.
As opposed to looking deepinside myself, finding my true
core values and strengths andtalents and looking for someone
who actually wants what I reallyhave to offer, we have a better
opportunity to connect in adeep way when we present that,
as opposed to just everyonewants a top guy and I'm a Vesak
girl, so I think I should begoing for a top guy.
(41:04):
I don't even know what thatmeans.
You know what I mean.
I would rather someone whowants the best parts of who I
really am to connect to that.
So I would love a conversationfurther on that, but that's
longer and we don't have time.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
We will manifest that in the next episode.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
We will manifest it in the next episode.
I'm great.
Speaker 3 (41:21):
It's so manifest, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:23):
Okay, thanks so much for joining me today.
Yorah, I might call you backseparately.
Amazing.
Speaker 1 (41:29):
Sounds great.
Okay, everybody, thanks forjoining me.
Thank you.
Thank you for joining us today.
For questions, comments, topicsyou'd like to hear more about,
or to try our 24 weekrelationship challenge, email us
at relationshipreimagined atgmail.
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