January 14, 2024 • 16 mins
Embark on a journey to the heart of healthy relationships as we wrap up the season with an in-depth look at the pillars that support a fulfilling romantic partnership. Together, we'll explore the significance of boundaries, akin to property lines that define personal space, and dissect the complexities of enmeshment within family dynamics. Uncover the power of self-differentiation, and learn how it empowers us to maintain our unique identity while nurturing deep connections with others. Salvador Mnuchin's insights on family systems provide a backdrop as we discuss how to create a cherished bond, free from competition, where each individual's needs and growth are honored and celebrated.
As we turn the page on this chapter, we reveal how acceptance and love are the transformative elements that drive personal growth within a relationship. We'll contemplate the paradox of change, where true evolution springs from a foundation of acceptance, fostering an environment ripe for curiosity and expansion. By contrasting the stifling effects of criticism with the growth-promoting serenity of being valued for who we are, this episode highlights the value of setting healthy boundaries and understanding each other's needs. Tune in to redefine your search for connection, not as a pursuit of approval, but as a shared journey of celebration and growth, offering a fresh perspective on what it means to be truly intertwined with another.
As we turn the page on this chapter, we reveal how acceptance and love are the transformative elements that drive personal growth within a relationship. We'll contemplate the paradox of change, where true evolution springs from a foundation of acceptance, fostering an environment ripe for curiosity and expansion. By contrasting the stifling effects of criticism with the growth-promoting serenity of being valued for who we are, this episode highlights the value of setting healthy boundaries and understanding each other's needs. Tune in to redefine your search for connection, not as a pursuit of approval, but as a shared journey of celebration and growth, offering a fresh perspective on what it means to be truly intertwined with another.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hello and welcome to dating, marriage and divorce
conversations where we analyze,navigate and troubleshoot all
stages of your romantic life.
I'm your host, igor Meistelman,a divorce attorney turned
relationship coach.
Hello everybody, welcome backto the show, and today we're
(00:32):
going to be doing our seasonfinale of the relational self
journey and, of course, if it'sfinale, the goal is to see what
does this mysterious, almostunreachable state of existence
one can reach when it comes torelational self.
I mean, can I really have thisvibrant, awesome life with
(00:55):
another human being where we areboth celebrated, where I feel
truly seen, where I feelacknowledged, where I feel I can
appreciate who you are, valueand cherish your strengths, even
when they are better than mineor different than mine?
And I simply live in a statewhere it's not competition, it's
not one of us has to win andone of us has to lose, but
(01:18):
rather we're both celebrated,we're both cherished, we both
matter.
What tools will we need inorder to be on a journey towards
this healthy relational self,and what obstacles we have to
overcome, besides what we'vediscussed in the previous
episodes, such as my childhoodwounds, how I carry my past with
me into the present, what allstands in the way now, in the
(01:40):
here and now, and so today Iwant to talk about three terms
that I have mentioned previously, but they are such a prevalent
dominant force in allrelationships and all
interactions, and I think themore we could really wrap our
minds around them, understandtheir place in our lives,
understand how we interactthrough them, the more we can
(02:01):
understand what needs to beremoved, what needs to be worked
on in order for me to activateand live out my healthiest, most
powerful relational self.
And so the terms we're going toexplore today are boundaries.
What are boundaries?
How do they work?
How do we create healthy ones?
What does it look like whenboundaries are trespassed upon
(02:22):
enmeshment?
What is enmeshment?
How does that work?
How is it different fromboundaries?
And ultimately, the ultimatetool, self differentiation, how
this tool can catapult us intohealthy ranges of living with
others, working with others,raising our children.
Let's take a closer look.
So, first of all, boundaries,because in some ways it might be
(02:44):
one of the easier ones of thethree concepts to discuss, and I
always like to turn to analogyof real property.
If I have a house and you havea house and we live on the G,
send lots Well when you'replaying football or catch with
your kids and the ball fallsclose to my house and you decide
to come over and retrieve yourproperty and I start yelling and
(03:04):
I say to you you're trespassing, get off my land.
I don't know if any of you haveneighbors like that.
Hope not.
And the question is what'shappening in this moment?
Well, what's happening is thatthe neighbor clearly is implying
that there is a well understoodblack and white boundary that
exists between our propertiesand the moment you walk into
(03:25):
mine or I walk into yourswithout permission, we call that
trespassing.
And because the boundary is soclear, because it's written down
or there was a survey that wasdone we know exactly at which
point I'm coming too close tothe boundary line.
I know exactly at which pointI've either gone too far or I
have room to play with, and soboundaries begin to serve a
really healthy role in knowingwhere I end and you begin, and
(03:49):
vice versa.
That's why, when people like toloosely use these words
crossing boundaries has takenplace, or I feel violated
because you've crossed theboundaries it gives us such an
easy indication of that thisspace is no longer safe space
for me, or my space, that Iunderstood to be mine alone has
(04:10):
now been encroached upon, and Idemand that you step back into
your own space and how much inrelationships it's so important
to navigate, define, bringclarity to.
Where is that space?
Where are the lines, where arethe demarcations that let me
know that here's a space where Icould live, exist, swim in and
(04:32):
be myself, work on myself,explore who I am, how I want to
be, what I want to work on forthe future, and how you are
interfering with that bycrossing those boundaries.
And so the more we can defineour boundaries in relationships
which could be literallyphysical boundaries, such as
please don't use my toothbrushwithout my permission or don't
(04:52):
just walk into the bathroomwhile I'm using it, knock on the
door and ask, okay, if I comein.
It could be from anything assimple as that type of a
physical boundary or anemotional boundary.
You keep telling me what I'mfeeling.
You keep telling me what I'mthinking.
Knowing the more complicatedanalysis, I would explore and
share how that translates intogaslighting someone, telling
(05:13):
somebody else what they'rethinking or what they're feeling
.
I know you better than you knowyourself.
Very unhealthy trespass intobound into somebody else's space
and crossing over thoseboundaries and a cousin, if you
will, of the boundary violationis the concept of enmeshment.
Now, enmeshment is essentiallyan idea that was actually born
(05:35):
out of system therapy bysomebody named Salvador Mnuchin,
and he really was a pioneer andexplored this idea of what
happens in our family systems.
It's one thing if I lived on anisland by myself and I don't
interact with anyone exceptcoconuts, but if I'm living with
other human beings, then webring into existence a system
(05:56):
and different systems functiondifferently.
Some systems are oppressive.
We call them closed systems.
Typically, it's when family hasa secret.
No one is allowed to share thatsecret.
Or oh, we don't talk about that, even though the elephant is
right there in the room sittingstaring at all of us, but we
don't talk about that.
It just sort of lives next tous, side by side, and sort of
(06:18):
travels through life with us,but we don't talk about that.
It could be secrets related toabuse.
It could be secrets related toviolation of certain cultural
boundaries and rules that we'veestablished, but we don't talk
about it, even though it livesright there with us.
And so enmeshment enters thescene when family members become
emotionally entangled withother family members.
(06:41):
Of course, the primaryrelationship will be a husband
and a wife or a parent and achild, and that enmeshment
creates all kinds ofcomplications.
There's now emotionalreactivity to one another
because we're so intertwined,because I'm not okay until you
are okay.
Listen to the third line I amnot okay until you are okay.
(07:03):
That is a classic enmeshmentscenario versus I see that you
are in distress, my world isstill okay and therefore I can
show up to you from this healthyspace to be with you, to share
in your distress, to ask how Ican be of help to you.
But my world does not have tobecome this regulated.
My world doesn't have to fallapart just because you are
(07:25):
struggling.
Another typical example ofenmeshment along these lines is
I am upset that you're not upsetright now because something
happened to me and I also wantyou to be upset, and if you're
not upset, I'm not okay.
For example, in enmeshment, myworld and its well being is
completely or very muchentangled, intertwined and
(07:48):
defined by you and yourexperiences, rather than being
defined by me and my ownexperiences.
And within family systems allkinds of funny things could be
happening.
There could be subsystems.
All of a sudden, these twosiblings are gaining up against
one parent or these siblingsdon't talk to another sibling
(08:08):
Parents make all kinds of whatwe call alliances with other
family members against othermembers.
All of these are classicexamples of investments that, as
a result, create horribly toxic, resentful and often or lead to
sometimes abusive interactions.
Because, after all, I'm onlyokay if certain things take
(08:31):
place, including if it means youneed to be hurt in order for me
to be safe, and so, all of asudden, relationship can take on
really dark ugly, unpleasantinteractions all because I
needed this to affirm my ownsignificance.
So how do we walk away from allof this unhealthiness?
Well, the way that process canbegin is with a very powerful
(08:53):
tool that we call selfdifferentiation and, as the term
implies, self differentiationmeans my ability to
differentiate meaning.
Can I say where you end and Ibegin?
Now, it will be very hard andpossibly even counterproductive
if I attempt it to figure outwhere I begin by only looking at
(09:15):
where you end, because you'reyour own person.
Some days you're angry and somedays you're loving.
Some days you're distant andcold and some days you're super
affectionate, to a point thatI'm confused by your behavior.
But all of that can simply bestopped.
It's like pulling a plug out ofthe wall and just removing all
of that energy, which alsotranslates to confusion,
(09:36):
misunderstandings, resentment.
In return, all of that can cometo an end if I simply pull the
plug out of the wall and say youknow what?
I can't really control yourworld.
I can't really know at anygiven moment exactly where you
are, who you are, how you viewyourself at any given moment.
Because, who knows, maybe youwalk to the house right now
grumpy and that happened becausethe clerk in the supermarket
(09:59):
was nasty but I run to rightaway, say oh, I must have done
something wrong, instead ofstopping and just simply saying
you're going through a hard time, this doesn't have to do with
me, you are going through a hardtime, it's your own experience,
independent of my own.
So therefore, what should we do?
What muscle do we need tocontinuously train?
We need to train this muscle ofself differentiation, and the
(10:23):
starting point of it is I ammade in an image of God, I have
a unique soul, and that soulexists independent of anyone
else.
You cannot define me, youcannot produce and imbue me with
my own sense of worth, feelingof belonging, feeling of meaning
(10:44):
, purpose.
Only I can do this for myselfand the more I can remove any of
this in the measurement, whereI define myself through you and
instead I have my own strongsense of myself, independent of
what anybody else thinks, and Ican validate myself.
And I don't need you to approveme, to tell me that I'm okay, so
(11:06):
that I could feel that I'm okay.
I can take the time toself-soothe, so if anything's
going on around me that isfrustrating, upsetting or
disappointing, or you've donethings that are hurtful, I could
simply focus on myself by beingwith myself and saying I'm
going to be okay, we're going tobe okay.
This doesn't have to define me,which is why a
self-differentiating person isnot seeking agreement.
(11:29):
I don't need you to agree withme.
I don't need you to approve me.
I am seeking understanding.
I would rather understand yourworld and I'm looking to see if
you understand mine Rather thanme trying to see.
Can you tell me that I'm okay?
Am I okay?
Please tell me that what I'vedone is acceptable.
That's a measurement Me needingyou to approve me and to tell
(11:51):
me that I'm okay.
But if I simply say you know, Ihear you disagree with me and
you know what, that's okay.
You're a different person and Iam a separate person.
We can have two opinions andstill be friends, still be
spouses, still be parents andchildren together.
It's okay for us to havedifferent opinions without
wondering oh oh, is theresomething wrong with me?
(12:12):
Do I need to change somethingabout myself?
And the more I can process thisand practice it, the more I can
arrive in a significantlyhealthier place within myself.
I want to share with all of youa such a beautiful quote from
Bernie Brown.
Bernie Brown is a very famousperson, psychologist, who really
(12:33):
spent most of her career as aresearch scientist in the realm
of mental health, and she has afound core in one of her books.
True belonging is the spiritualpractice of believing in and
belonging to yourself so deeplythat you could share your most
authentic self with the worldand find sacredness in both
(12:55):
being a part of something andstanding alone in the wilderness
.
True belonging does not requireyou to change who you are.
It requires you to be who youare.
What an unbelievable quote andso much wisdom packed into just
these two sentences.
True belonging does not requireyou to change who you are.
(13:15):
It requires you to be who youare, and this is exactly why I
find that the most vibrant,happy, dynamic and meaningful
relationships are where it's twopeople who celebrate the
uniqueness and the differencesof each other, who respect the
boundaries and limitations ofthe other and don't seek the
(13:39):
other to morph, become somethingother than they are.
They simply can love who theyare and they feel that they are
loved as they are.
Now you might ask me so this?
Doesn't it become stagnant?
Is there movement?
Do we change?
Do we become something?
And here's the cool secret, andit's almost paradoxical.
It is precisely when I feelcompletely accepted, embraced
(14:04):
and loved as I am that Iexperience an energetic
motivation to become more thanwhat I am.
And this completely bears outin our biochemistry, in the body
.
Because think about this if Iright now feel criticized by you
, I feel judged by you, I feelrejected and not accepted as I
(14:24):
am, my body will activate stresshormone cortisol, it will put
me into fight flight mode and Iwill now be consumed, spending
my time surviving the momentrather than in experiencing a
safe, comfortable space withinmyself where all of my
biochemical system is at peace.
I'm relaxed and then I amsimply able to activate a
(14:48):
natural desire for curiosity andfor wanting to ask the question
on my own what more can I dofor myself, for my spouse, for
my children?
I cannot ask those questionswhen I am in survival mode.
I can only ask those questionswhen I am at peace and my
natural desire that God placedin all of us to be curious, to
(15:10):
be in a joyful state ofinquisitiveness.
I cannot access that state if Iam in survival mode, but that
state is waiting, dying for anopportunity to come out and
express itself when I'm in theplace of serenity, peace,
relaxation.
And the biggest mistake we makewhen we are unmatched is we
demand, we seek that our spousesdo things for us, prove their
(15:33):
love to us, prove theirworthiness, and all we're really
doing is driving them untilthat unhealthy place of survival
, rather than availability, togrow, blossom with us.
So when we sit down and saytime to draw healthy boundaries
by me defining who I am, what Iwant, asking you to do the same
and then share our lists,understand each other so we can
(15:56):
understand where the boundariesexist, then we sit down and we
look at our measurements, try tounderstand.
Where have I been craving yourapprovals?
Where do I need you to tell meI'm okay?
And without it.
I am dysregulated, I am shook up, I'm resentful and, as I
understand, those lists say okay, what would my healthy self,
differentiated self, look like?
(16:17):
How can you be celebrated and Ibe celebrated at the same time
as we go through those steps andpull them all together?
When we then come back to ourrelationship, we're in a joyful,
relaxed state where we'reseeking connection, not because
I need you to approve me.
I'm seeking connection becauseit's our time to celebrate our
uniqueness and something we'rebuilding together that greater
(16:39):
than ourselves.
Thanks for joining.
Thank you for joining us today.
For questions, comments, topicsyou'd like to hear more about,
or to try our 24 weekrelationship challenge, email us
at relationship reimagined atgmail.
Hello and welcome to dating, marriage and divorce
conversations where we analyze,navigate and troubleshoot all
stages of your romantic life.
I'm your host, igor Meistelman,a divorce attorney turned
relationship coach.
Hello everybody, welcome backto the show, and today we're
(00:32):
going to be doing our seasonfinale of the relational self
journey and, of course, if it'sfinale, the goal is to see what
does this mysterious, almostunreachable state of existence
one can reach when it comes torelational self.
I mean, can I really have thisvibrant, awesome life with
(00:55):
another human being where we areboth celebrated, where I feel
truly seen, where I feelacknowledged, where I feel I can
appreciate who you are, valueand cherish your strengths, even
when they are better than mineor different than mine?
And I simply live in a statewhere it's not competition, it's
not one of us has to win andone of us has to lose, but
(01:18):
rather we're both celebrated,we're both cherished, we both
matter.
What tools will we need inorder to be on a journey towards
this healthy relational self,and what obstacles we have to
overcome, besides what we'vediscussed in the previous
episodes, such as my childhoodwounds, how I carry my past with
me into the present, what allstands in the way now, in the
(01:40):
here and now, and so today Iwant to talk about three terms
that I have mentioned previously, but they are such a prevalent
dominant force in allrelationships and all
interactions, and I think themore we could really wrap our
minds around them, understandtheir place in our lives,
understand how we interactthrough them, the more we can
(02:01):
understand what needs to beremoved, what needs to be worked
on in order for me to activateand live out my healthiest, most
powerful relational self.
And so the terms we're going toexplore today are boundaries.
What are boundaries?
How do they work?
How do we create healthy ones?
What does it look like whenboundaries are trespassed upon
(02:22):
enmeshment?
What is enmeshment?
How does that work?
How is it different fromboundaries?
And ultimately, the ultimatetool, self differentiation, how
this tool can catapult us intohealthy ranges of living with
others, working with others,raising our children.
Let's take a closer look.
So, first of all, boundaries,because in some ways it might be
(02:44):
one of the easier ones of thethree concepts to discuss, and I
always like to turn to analogyof real property.
If I have a house and you havea house and we live on the G,
send lots Well when you'replaying football or catch with
your kids and the ball fallsclose to my house and you decide
to come over and retrieve yourproperty and I start yelling and
(03:04):
I say to you you're trespassing, get off my land.
I don't know if any of you haveneighbors like that.
Hope not.
And the question is what'shappening in this moment?
Well, what's happening is thatthe neighbor clearly is implying
that there is a well understoodblack and white boundary that
exists between our propertiesand the moment you walk into
(03:25):
mine or I walk into yourswithout permission, we call that
trespassing.
And because the boundary is soclear, because it's written down
or there was a survey that wasdone we know exactly at which
point I'm coming too close tothe boundary line.
I know exactly at which pointI've either gone too far or I
have room to play with, and soboundaries begin to serve a
really healthy role in knowingwhere I end and you begin, and
(03:49):
vice versa.
That's why, when people like toloosely use these words
crossing boundaries has takenplace, or I feel violated
because you've crossed theboundaries it gives us such an
easy indication of that thisspace is no longer safe space
for me, or my space, that Iunderstood to be mine alone has
(04:10):
now been encroached upon, and Idemand that you step back into
your own space and how much inrelationships it's so important
to navigate, define, bringclarity to.
Where is that space?
Where are the lines, where arethe demarcations that let me
know that here's a space where Icould live, exist, swim in and
(04:32):
be myself, work on myself,explore who I am, how I want to
be, what I want to work on forthe future, and how you are
interfering with that bycrossing those boundaries.
And so the more we can defineour boundaries in relationships
which could be literallyphysical boundaries, such as
please don't use my toothbrushwithout my permission or don't
(04:52):
just walk into the bathroomwhile I'm using it, knock on the
door and ask, okay, if I comein.
It could be from anything assimple as that type of a
physical boundary or anemotional boundary.
You keep telling me what I'mfeeling.
You keep telling me what I'mthinking.
Knowing the more complicatedanalysis, I would explore and
share how that translates intogaslighting someone, telling
(05:13):
somebody else what they'rethinking or what they're feeling
.
I know you better than you knowyourself.
Very unhealthy trespass intobound into somebody else's space
and crossing over thoseboundaries and a cousin, if you
will, of the boundary violationis the concept of enmeshment.
Now, enmeshment is essentiallyan idea that was actually born
(05:35):
out of system therapy bysomebody named Salvador Mnuchin,
and he really was a pioneer andexplored this idea of what
happens in our family systems.
It's one thing if I lived on anisland by myself and I don't
interact with anyone exceptcoconuts, but if I'm living with
other human beings, then webring into existence a system
(05:56):
and different systems functiondifferently.
Some systems are oppressive.
We call them closed systems.
Typically, it's when family hasa secret.
No one is allowed to share thatsecret.
Or oh, we don't talk about that, even though the elephant is
right there in the room sittingstaring at all of us, but we
don't talk about that.
It just sort of lives next tous, side by side, and sort of
(06:18):
travels through life with us,but we don't talk about that.
It could be secrets related toabuse.
It could be secrets related toviolation of certain cultural
boundaries and rules that we'veestablished, but we don't talk
about it, even though it livesright there with us.
And so enmeshment enters thescene when family members become
emotionally entangled withother family members.
(06:41):
Of course, the primaryrelationship will be a husband
and a wife or a parent and achild, and that enmeshment
creates all kinds ofcomplications.
There's now emotionalreactivity to one another
because we're so intertwined,because I'm not okay until you
are okay.
Listen to the third line I amnot okay until you are okay.
(07:03):
That is a classic enmeshmentscenario versus I see that you
are in distress, my world isstill okay and therefore I can
show up to you from this healthyspace to be with you, to share
in your distress, to ask how Ican be of help to you.
But my world does not have tobecome this regulated.
My world doesn't have to fallapart just because you are
(07:25):
struggling.
Another typical example ofenmeshment along these lines is
I am upset that you're not upsetright now because something
happened to me and I also wantyou to be upset, and if you're
not upset, I'm not okay.
For example, in enmeshment, myworld and its well being is
completely or very muchentangled, intertwined and
(07:48):
defined by you and yourexperiences, rather than being
defined by me and my ownexperiences.
And within family systems allkinds of funny things could be
happening.
There could be subsystems.
All of a sudden, these twosiblings are gaining up against
one parent or these siblingsdon't talk to another sibling
(08:08):
Parents make all kinds of whatwe call alliances with other
family members against othermembers.
All of these are classicexamples of investments that, as
a result, create horribly toxic, resentful and often or lead to
sometimes abusive interactions.
Because, after all, I'm onlyokay if certain things take
(08:31):
place, including if it means youneed to be hurt in order for me
to be safe, and so, all of asudden, relationship can take on
really dark ugly, unpleasantinteractions all because I
needed this to affirm my ownsignificance.
So how do we walk away from allof this unhealthiness?
Well, the way that process canbegin is with a very powerful
(08:53):
tool that we call selfdifferentiation and, as the term
implies, self differentiationmeans my ability to
differentiate meaning.
Can I say where you end and Ibegin?
Now, it will be very hard andpossibly even counterproductive
if I attempt it to figure outwhere I begin by only looking at
(09:15):
where you end, because you'reyour own person.
Some days you're angry and somedays you're loving.
Some days you're distant andcold and some days you're super
affectionate, to a point thatI'm confused by your behavior.
But all of that can simply bestopped.
It's like pulling a plug out ofthe wall and just removing all
of that energy, which alsotranslates to confusion,
(09:36):
misunderstandings, resentment.
In return, all of that can cometo an end if I simply pull the
plug out of the wall and say youknow what?
I can't really control yourworld.
I can't really know at anygiven moment exactly where you
are, who you are, how you viewyourself at any given moment.
Because, who knows, maybe youwalk to the house right now
grumpy and that happened becausethe clerk in the supermarket
(09:59):
was nasty but I run to rightaway, say oh, I must have done
something wrong, instead ofstopping and just simply saying
you're going through a hard time, this doesn't have to do with
me, you are going through a hardtime, it's your own experience,
independent of my own.
So therefore, what should we do?
What muscle do we need tocontinuously train?
We need to train this muscle ofself differentiation, and the
(10:23):
starting point of it is I ammade in an image of God, I have
a unique soul, and that soulexists independent of anyone
else.
You cannot define me, youcannot produce and imbue me with
my own sense of worth, feelingof belonging, feeling of meaning
(10:44):
, purpose.
Only I can do this for myselfand the more I can remove any of
this in the measurement, whereI define myself through you and
instead I have my own strongsense of myself, independent of
what anybody else thinks, and Ican validate myself.
And I don't need you to approveme, to tell me that I'm okay, so
(11:06):
that I could feel that I'm okay.
I can take the time toself-soothe, so if anything's
going on around me that isfrustrating, upsetting or
disappointing, or you've donethings that are hurtful, I could
simply focus on myself by beingwith myself and saying I'm
going to be okay, we're going tobe okay.
This doesn't have to define me,which is why a
self-differentiating person isnot seeking agreement.
(11:29):
I don't need you to agree withme.
I don't need you to approve me.
I am seeking understanding.
I would rather understand yourworld and I'm looking to see if
you understand mine Rather thanme trying to see.
Can you tell me that I'm okay?
Am I okay?
Please tell me that what I'vedone is acceptable.
That's a measurement Me needingyou to approve me and to tell
(11:51):
me that I'm okay.
But if I simply say you know, Ihear you disagree with me and
you know what, that's okay.
You're a different person and Iam a separate person.
We can have two opinions andstill be friends, still be
spouses, still be parents andchildren together.
It's okay for us to havedifferent opinions without
wondering oh oh, is theresomething wrong with me?
(12:12):
Do I need to change somethingabout myself?
And the more I can process thisand practice it, the more I can
arrive in a significantlyhealthier place within myself.
I want to share with all of youa such a beautiful quote from
Bernie Brown.
Bernie Brown is a very famousperson, psychologist, who really
(12:33):
spent most of her career as aresearch scientist in the realm
of mental health, and she has afound core in one of her books.
True belonging is the spiritualpractice of believing in and
belonging to yourself so deeplythat you could share your most
authentic self with the worldand find sacredness in both
(12:55):
being a part of something andstanding alone in the wilderness
.
True belonging does not requireyou to change who you are.
It requires you to be who youare.
What an unbelievable quote andso much wisdom packed into just
these two sentences.
True belonging does not requireyou to change who you are.
(13:15):
It requires you to be who youare, and this is exactly why I
find that the most vibrant,happy, dynamic and meaningful
relationships are where it's twopeople who celebrate the
uniqueness and the differencesof each other, who respect the
boundaries and limitations ofthe other and don't seek the
(13:39):
other to morph, become somethingother than they are.
They simply can love who theyare and they feel that they are
loved as they are.
Now you might ask me so this?
Doesn't it become stagnant?
Is there movement?
Do we change?
Do we become something?
And here's the cool secret, andit's almost paradoxical.
It is precisely when I feelcompletely accepted, embraced
(14:04):
and loved as I am that Iexperience an energetic
motivation to become more thanwhat I am.
And this completely bears outin our biochemistry, in the body
.
Because think about this if Iright now feel criticized by you
, I feel judged by you, I feelrejected and not accepted as I
(14:24):
am, my body will activate stresshormone cortisol, it will put
me into fight flight mode and Iwill now be consumed, spending
my time surviving the momentrather than in experiencing a
safe, comfortable space withinmyself where all of my
biochemical system is at peace.
I'm relaxed and then I amsimply able to activate a
(14:48):
natural desire for curiosity andfor wanting to ask the question
on my own what more can I dofor myself, for my spouse, for
my children?
I cannot ask those questionswhen I am in survival mode.
I can only ask those questionswhen I am at peace and my
natural desire that God placedin all of us to be curious, to
(15:10):
be in a joyful state ofinquisitiveness.
I cannot access that state if Iam in survival mode, but that
state is waiting, dying for anopportunity to come out and
express itself when I'm in theplace of serenity, peace,
relaxation.
And the biggest mistake we makewhen we are unmatched is we
demand, we seek that our spousesdo things for us, prove their
(15:33):
love to us, prove theirworthiness, and all we're really
doing is driving them untilthat unhealthy place of survival
, rather than availability, togrow, blossom with us.
So when we sit down and saytime to draw healthy boundaries
by me defining who I am, what Iwant, asking you to do the same
and then share our lists,understand each other so we can
(15:56):
understand where the boundariesexist, then we sit down and we
look at our measurements, try tounderstand.
Where have I been craving yourapprovals?
Where do I need you to tell meI'm okay?
And without it.
I am dysregulated, I am shook up, I'm resentful and, as I
understand, those lists say okay, what would my healthy self,
differentiated self, look like?
(16:17):
How can you be celebrated and Ibe celebrated at the same time
as we go through those steps andpull them all together?
When we then come back to ourrelationship, we're in a joyful,
relaxed state where we'reseeking connection, not because
I need you to approve me.
I'm seeking connection becauseit's our time to celebrate our
uniqueness and something we'rebuilding together that greater
(16:39):
than ourselves.
Thanks for joining.
Thank you for joining us today.
For questions, comments, topicsyou'd like to hear more about,
or to try our 24 weekrelationship challenge, email us
at relationship reimagined atgmail.
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