Episode Transcript
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Speaker 2 (00:10):
Hello and welcome to
Dating, Marriage and Divorce
Conversations, where we analyze,navigate and troubleshoot all
stages of your romantic life.
I'm your host, Igor Meiselman,a divorce attorney turned
relationship coach.
Igor Meiselman, a divorceattorney turned relationship
coach.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Welcome back
everybody.
This is going to be part two ofour series for the month of El
and Yili Dadi.
But don't delete I am to mybeloved and my beloved is unto
me.
And while last week we weretouching on the relationship
between us and Hashem, god theAlmighty, now we're shifting
(00:54):
into the relationship betweenactually the two beloved here
down on earth the partners, thecouples, the star-crossed lovers
, the struggling duos, and howdo we understand, make sense of
these relationships and how dowe understand, make sense of
these relationships?
And I want today to talk aboutmaybe a blend of both what might
be a bit in the mystical realmand also, the same time, here in
(01:14):
the physical realm, in the hereand now.
I often work, besides workingwith couples, I also often work
with men who are in the processof getting married and they want
to work on getting into what isthe right mindset, what are the
right attitudes to have, goinginto a marriage, going into a
committed relationship, and sowe'd like to discuss both of
(01:35):
these realms and I wanted toshare them here with you because
I thought that they're verypowerful and also beautiful
ideas and ways to conceptualizeourselves, the relational
journey, and by seeing theseconcepts, how they could help
serve us in being able to createbeautiful marriages.
So in Hebrew, the word for themoon that's right, that
(01:56):
celestial body in the sky atnight for the moon is lavana,
which also is in a feminine form, and the word for the sun is
shemesh, which is a masculineform.
And so in the Hebrew languagethere's a deeper idea that there
seems to be an interestingrelationship taking place
between the sun and the moon.
The sun has its own light, itgenerates its own light, it
(02:21):
gives off light out into theworld, it self-generates and
then shares.
The moon has no light of itsown.
It reflects light and that'show we're able to see it at
night.
It's because the sun will, withits powerful beams, arrive at
the moon and the moon willreflect that light and thus we
see the light of the moon.
(02:41):
And so in the world ofmetaphors and symbolisms,
especially in Jewish traditions,there's this idea that the
woman, the feminine, isexpressed by the moon, and in
fact that's why the word moon inHebrew is feminine and the word
for the sun, which is aconstant and it's always there,
is a masculine, and it's the onethat shares its light and gives
(03:04):
off to the moon.
Another interesting observationto be made is that the moon is
not visible equally throughoutthe entire monthly cycle that it
appears in the sky.
On the average, the moon willtake about 28 to 29 days to
circle around the earth, andduring that time the moon will
do all sorts of interestingthings, if you really would
(03:24):
track it.
It first appears as a tiny.
With each day, it continues toshow more and more of itself
until it reaches middle of themonth, and then, at that point,
it will again begin to vein.
And so it goes through thesecycles of waxing and veining
throughout the monthly cycle,appearing, more, appearing and
(03:44):
then beginning to fade untilit's no longer visible at all,
only to renew the cycle oncemore.
Now, what's interesting about?
that is what does that mimic?
That is very much similarlyresembling the experience of a
woman's menstrual cycle, whereher body naturally will create
an environment conducive tocreation of a new life.
(04:06):
That environment will continuefor about two weeks and then,
after those two weeks, it beginsto disintegrate.
If no sperm has entered, thatallows for fertilization of the
egg, which then in turn allowsfor creation of a new life.
If that event did not takeplace, then the body will
naturally begin to break downand begin to disintegrate its
(04:26):
life inside.
Then all of it is expelled outof the body in the form of
periods of a monthly cycle onlywhere it appears almost as if
there's death taking place,right, internal bleeding.
If we knew nothing and we sawthis happening, we saw somebody
expelling blood out of theirbody, right.
Normally we just go like, oh mygosh, what is happening to the
(04:48):
body?
And the reality is that there'sa certain disintegrating
process that's taking place.
That's not a reflection orindication that life is coming
to an end, but rather it'sactually a reflection and
indication that there is adisintegration that will allow
for new life to be reborn again,for new opportunity to take
(05:10):
place.
And I'm going to be referringfrom now on to this as sort of
two phases of the journey, andone would be we call it the
season of planting, season ofpreparation, and then, on the
other side of that equation, isthe season of harvesting, season
of gathering, and these twoseasons coexist with each other.
(05:32):
And the more we can understandhow all of these metaphors come
together in our day-to-dayliving and how we could use them
to actually express and bringto life a really healthy,
dynamic relationship.
So let's begin.
What's a typical thing that willhappen in a marriage and I can
(05:53):
certainly tell you, working withmany couples, what is one of
the typical complaints is lackof freshness in the relationship
, lack of feeling of connection,excitement, lack of feeling of
there's something new, novel,refreshing to look forward to.
And especially in the realm ofintimacy, what's one typical
(06:13):
thing that goes on?
One typical thing that goes on,especially in the realm of
intimacy, is oh, we get to betogether whenever I want,
whenever you want, we can justhave each other.
And while that might be reallyexciting during the honeymoon
stage, it's hardly effectivelong-term, because long-term we
all, boredom settles in,familiarity settles in same
(06:35):
thing over and over again.
There's a loss of freshness,there's a loss of excitement.
And so this idea of a monthlycycle actually takes on a truly,
really powerful role and can bean incredible rejuvenating tool
in a relationship, for a numberof reasons.
One just the mere fact ofpausing during the time of the
(06:58):
menstrual cycle from engaging inintimacy allows just for a
pause and refreshment ofconnection, opportunity to miss
each other, opportunity to havetime away from just the routine
of oh, we'll just be togetherwhen there's an impulsive desire
to be together and instead itbecomes a more intentional
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living, you know what we'regoing to plan to be together,
just like we plan many otherthings in our lives, and the
planning is what gives itsignificance and value.
We can also plan intimacy.
Planned intimacy Also can takeon great significance and value
because now it's intentional, sonow it's more important, it's
more meaningful than just oh,I'm in a mood, or I'm not in a
(07:43):
mood, which is how people tendto approach intimacy, and I
think it's a big mistake.
It loses its own significanceand value when it's just not
there with intentionality.
And so the question becomes well, what do you do during that
time If we cannot engage inintimacy?
What do you do during that timeIf we cannot engage in intimacy
.
What do you do with that time?
Of course, probably most women.
If they would be in the roomright now hearing this, they
(08:05):
would say, duh, we know what todo with this time.
And most men would be in theroom sitting scratching their
heads and saying what do you dowith this time?
And so I'm here to share withyou that maybe is not so
intuitive for some people, andcertainly for a lot of men it's
not so intuitive which is engagein preparation.
What does that mean?
Preparation?
(08:25):
It means planting for the nextharvest.
What does planting look like?
Emotional connection, whenthere's a pause from physical
intimacy, from just engaging inthat more base physical desire,
it's an opportunity to engageother dimensions of ourselves,
to be able to connectemotionally, to experience
(08:47):
emotional intimacy.
And you know what, for mostpeople, as the relationship goes
on in the years, the need foremotional intimacy becomes
paramount and especially in amale-female dynamic, for women
it becomes exceptionallyimportant.
I can't tell you how many timesit will come up in couple
sessions that women feel thatfor men it's just this external
(09:10):
experience of I have physicalneeds and so I will pursue my
physical needs, whereas forwomen it's no, I need emotional
connection.
I need us talking to each other.
I need to experience that therewas actually a conversation
that allows for a foundation onwhich physical connection then
(09:33):
becomes like icing on the cake.
It's actually a space that nowis enjoyable because there was
all this emotional connection.
It's almost like planting seedsin sand good luck seeing
anything grow, but you plant ina fertile soil and things will
sprout, things will blossom,things will grow.
So there's something to be saidabout generating emotional
(09:56):
connection as a way to preparethe foundation on which physical
intimacy is not just somephysical act of getting the
pleasure in the moment, but it'sactually the thing that almost
like the glue, the final thingthat binds the relationship and
brings it into this even deeperrealm of connection.
(10:16):
But that's not possible withoutfirst establishing proper
emotional connection and sotaking the time to be able to
connect emotionally, to spendthose two weeks of the cycle in
quality time in finding out fromeach other what your love
languages are.
You could easily do a five to 10minute love language quiz.
(10:37):
Find out what your partnerenjoys so you don't make the
mistake typical working mistakeright Of giving them love
language that would be your lovelanguage and instead giving
them in the love language thatspeaks to them.
So if your partner really,really enjoys words of
affirmation, so to spend duringthose two weeks where there's
lack of opportunity to connectphysically, to be able to share
(11:01):
compliments, appreciations, telleach other what's really
meaningful to you.
All of these things servetremendous value and purpose and
by the time it rolls around forphysical intimacy, there is so
much connection that's in placethat allows for ability to truly
(11:23):
experience meaningful physicalconnection as the icing on the
cake rather than to skip overthe foundation.
And then the worst that couldhappen is when couples come in
and then share.
I just feel I'm just a body formy spouse to use to get what
they need.
I'm just being used for aspecific outcome, right, which
is I just want to get my ownphysical pleasure, my physical
(11:45):
needs addressed, and so I'musing my partner, my spouse, to
get those needs addressed.
And how hurtful it leaves us howisolated and painful it is to
be in that state of rupture anddisconnect and to lose these
golden opportunities where everymonth is an opportunity to set
up a schedule where we could sitdown together.
Let's look at our calendars andlet's figure out how do we
(12:07):
create a schedule, a roadmap, inwhich things are meaningful,
things are structured in such away that we get a fill in each
of these buckets.
It's not just you have physicalneeds and you just use me as a
vessel to have a release of yourown physical needs, but instead
we create connection.
(12:27):
And then the physicalconnection that accompanies, at
the right time allows andcreates for even a deeper, more
meaningful connection.
And so it becomes such abeautiful opportunity to look at
the monthly cycle and say, wait, if we plan this out and in my
mind I know a time will comewhere there'll be harvest that
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we could gather but right now,this is a time where I want to
plan so that there will be aplentiful, beautiful harvest and
to lose on this opportunity ofone building an emotional
connection during the time whenwe are taking a pause from just
physically encountering eachother and just physically
connecting and then, on top ofthat not only take a pause, but
(13:10):
that it should be intentionaltime of invested and then take a
pause in connection.
So then, when we come togetherat the right time, how much more
meaningful the connection willbe.
But if there isn't investmentinto that emotional connection
in the beginning and then allthat follows is just emotional,
physical connection and justphysically getting some pleasure
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, that actually will drive youin deeper pain and deeper
feelings of isolation.
Because now I don't feel likewe're doing this to connect.
We're just doing this becausethere's just some physical
drives and cravings that need tobe addressed.
And again, every couple needs tofigure out for themselves what
that dance looks like.
Here we're just trying to setout a general framework, a
general picture, but I think itis such a beautiful way to frame
(13:55):
in our minds.
Look, every month is anopportunity to not just be a
passing existence.
Right, I plan out going to thegym, I plan my schedule at work,
I know what deadlines I want tohit and what goals I want to
accomplish, and yet in thisrealm it just passes, it just
flows with time, and then wewonder where it went or why it
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wasn't there a more meaningfulconnection, and the reality is
that it was all in our hands allalong.
We could create that connectionby capturing that framework and
saying in every month what canthe cycle look like?
What date time, concrete datetimes, we're allocating for our
investment of emotionalconnection, just to share what
(14:38):
goes on in our lives, hear eachother out, laugh together, cry
together, feel a genuineconnection and then, at the
right time, being able to comeback to each other for physical
intimacy.
That becomes so much morespiritual and emotionally
connecting, because we did allthe groundwork to lay the
foundation to now collect abeautiful harvest.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Thank you for joining
us today.
For questions, comments, topicsyou'd like to hear more about,
or to try our 24-weekrelationship challenge, email us
at relationshipreimagined atgmail.