September 13, 2024 • 14 mins
Can differing parenting styles really strain your romantic relationship? Join me, Igor Meystelman, as I unravel how the evolving dynamics between parents and children can impact your love life. We'll explore the stark shift in parenting challenges due to rapid technological and social changes, and why authoritarian methods often fall short. I'll share insights on fostering a strong, empathetic bond with your children where mutual respect and understanding are key to effective guidance and lasting influence. Hear how adapting alongside your kids not only benefits them but also strengthens your romantic partnership.
In our journey to parenting with purpose and faith, discover the power of emotional regulation and embodying core values like tolerance, compassion, love, and acceptance. I'll discuss how maintaining calm and kindness while parenting not only fortifies our moral obligations but also builds meaningful relationships with our children. By practicing these principles daily, we shape the next generation and contribute positively to the world, enriching our family lives in the process. Tune in to learn how these approaches can transform your family dynamics and bring about lasting harmony.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hello and welcome to Dating, marriage and Divorce
Conversations where we analyze,navigate and troubleshoot all
stages of your romantic life.
I'm your host, igor Meiselman,a divorce attorney turned
relationship coach.
Igor Meiselman, a divorceattorney turned relationship
coach.
Hello everybody, welcome back.
(00:30):
This is a part three of ourseries in the month of Elul, and
the next relationship that wewant to talk about today is the
parent-child relationship, arelationship that well might,
seemingly one might say, wait,what's it doing on the dating,
marriage and divorceconversations?
Well, let me tell you, believeit or not, children is one of
(00:50):
the big drivers of stress,tension in a romantic
relationship.
People who have children andhave families are very much
affected by what goes on intheir parenting styles and what
happens when we disagree oncertain decisions, important
life decisions such as education, or an important health
(01:11):
decision that's affecting thechild.
Tensions arise, challengesarise as a result of disagreeing
in these arenas.
And now I want to start on theoutset with the following
concept that I've been thinkingabout more, exploring, wondering
how it might resonate for otherpeople, and the concept is as
follows you know, in previousgenerations, even just two
(01:34):
generations ago, the pace oflife, pace of technological
development, informationavailability was fairly
consistent and steady, and whatI mean by that is, let's say,
somebody growing up in the 1920swouldn't experience a
significantly big difference intheir lifestyle, in their access
(01:55):
to information, to lifeexperiences, than somebody
growing up in 1950s, let's say,literally a generation later.
And then the 1990s came and the2000s, and the iPhone and the
internet, and then eventuallyfollowed by social media,
created completely newenvironment, an environment that
(02:16):
when I was growing up, I didnot know.
And so one thing that I think isso important for people to keep
in mind as a big picture isthat today, the reality is is
that raising children actuallyinvolves two front battle, not a
one front battle, and what Imean by that is that not only do
we have to engage in thisincredible, awesome opportunity,
(02:40):
responsibility of raisingchildren, but we also have to
raise ourselves, also in theprocess, because the things that
my kids are doing I didn't dowhen I was their age, but the
needs my kids have, I didn'thave these needs growing up and
making statements such as well.
(03:02):
When I was your age, I didn'thave this issue.
So you know, boo-hoo, what'syour problem?
It's just not going to work.
All that it's going to do iscreate isolation.
All that it's going to do iscause the child to feel not
understood.
That drives the division, thefeeling of isolation, of
(03:24):
loneliness in the child and itultimately prevents the ability
to build a healthy bridge inourselves and the child for the
information exchange, for theinfluence, for input, for
ability to mold and shape theirworld.
And it's something that I'mfinding feels unnatural, strange
(03:48):
and a lot of resistance comesup for people of a generation
that is generation threetechnology, internet and social
media to understand that in thisgeneration it will be nearly
impossible to influence thechild by simply either imposing
our will on the child purely bydiscipline, by critical
(04:13):
statements, by expressing thenegative consequences that may
await the child.
It just simply doesn't work.
What I find to be very effective, and it possibly might be the
only effective thing left, andthat is first building the
relationship.
As a quote that I famouslyheard once from Rabbi Shea Stow,
people do not care what youknow until they know you care.
(04:36):
It's just a very basic,fundamental piece of
relationships and certainlyrelationship between a parent
and a child.
Right, the child is naturallywired for rebellion, resistance,
discomfort.
The child wants to test limits,boundaries, not because they're
looking to be bad, but becausethey want to understand we are
(04:57):
at our limits, what would beacceptable and what would not be
acceptable.
And when there is lack of thatbridge, when there's lack of a
relationship, there's not a lotleft that allows for connection,
that allows for ability for mymessage, my life experiences, my
life lessons to be transportedover to the child, to be
(05:20):
transported over to that otherperson.
And that's because we make theassumption of oh, I have
valuable information, don't youwant my treasures?
Look, I have these amazingtreasures to share, don't you
want them?
And the reality is that that'snot how it works.
When we want to make an impacton another human being, when we
want to convey something thatwould be a long and lasting
(05:44):
impression that would actuallyaffect the child's views of
their values, of who they are,what values they want to choose
in a difficult situation, that'snot going to happen by coercing
them, by criticizing them or byshowing them I'm more powerful
than you.
I'm the parent.
You have to listen to me.
Here's one of my favorite ofall time you owe me the
(06:06):
obligation of honoring yourparents and I'm your parents.
You have to honor me.
Okay, good luck getting veryfar with that one.
I can't tell you how many timesI've actually heard the use of
this.
I'm gonna, all right, weaponizethe biblical command to either
guilt my child or make my childuncomfortable, so that my child,
(06:26):
hopefully, will listen to me.
And the unfortunate mistake thatthat parent is making is
they're not realizing that allthat they really have done is
they've isolated, ostracized,cut off their child from their
relationship with them and nowbeautiful impact, impressions
and values that they could havegiven over to them will now be
(06:49):
lost because the child isblocking receptivity.
The child is putting up a wallto not allow entry of these
things into their world.
So there has to be a shift intoa relationship-based parenting.
I just made up that termrelationship-based parenting as
opposed to authoritarianparenting.
(07:09):
Do you need to teach the childthat there's rules in life and
there's authority?
A hundred percent, but don'tteach it as an authoritarian.
Teach it as a relationship,almost to a certain degree being
friends with the child.
Does that mean child getswhatever they want?
Absolutely not.
Does that mean give in to everyof your child's demands?
No, and for a different reason,not for your own dignity, which
(07:31):
is what people have to say.
They're going to do what I say.
They live in my house, under myroof, they're going to listen
to me and when I listen to thatI always feel like it's such a
short-sightedness because reallythe thinking and the focus
should not be built around.
I'm the authority and you needto listen to me.
The real focus should bethere's here harm that's going
(07:53):
to happen to my child, which ismy child won't know what healthy
rules of engagement are.
My child won't know how to dealwith authority right.
And then, no wonder, we willhear today kids who are growing
up in this generation and nowthey're going to jobs.
They don't like something afterdoing it for a few months, but
they don't like the way somebodyspoke to them and that's it.
(08:14):
They just want to throw in thetowel, they want to resign, quit
, look for another job.
There's no resilience, there'sno patience, there's no ability
to withstand.
It's so interesting how it'snot only becomes about, or
should shift away from beingabout, authority and really
should really be much more abouthow do I impart these values to
(08:36):
my child?
And even when they can't havesomething, I'll just remind
myself that it's not aboutdepriving.
It's about actually helpingthem develop these other very
important life skills such asresilience, such as patience,
such as being able to acceptthat sometimes things will not
go their way.
(08:57):
And for us as parents, and againespecially during this month,
as we continue the theme westarted in part one of being
able to emulate and walk inGod's ways, again it's another
beautiful opportunity to alsodemonstrate to our children how
we actually are practicinghandling ourselves on their
(09:18):
stressful situations.
After all, think about it right, when I get dysregulated, when
I get upset in front of my child, there is also a certain
message that I am sending, andthe message I'm sending my child
is that, oh, when situationgets difficult, just get
dysregulated.
When things are not going yourway, you can just shout it out
(09:38):
or raise your voice or be rudeor be disrespectful to whoever
it is that you're speaking with,and we never pause and realize
that the way we're showing upthat itself is a growth
opportunity.
The way we're showing up thatitself creates for the child a
almost like a mock setting wherethey can practice.
(10:02):
This is the dress rehearsal,where they get to see what it's
like to copy these qualities andcharacter traits and to emulate
God's way and, hopefully, topractice.
I love quoting this line from Iheard it in the name of the Navy
SEALs.
The US Navy SEALs always saycalm is contagious.
Think about it.
Five, six guys are on the boat.
(10:23):
They're going to go into alife-death mission situation.
Calm is contagious.
If somebody is getting upset,nervous, dysregulated, it's
going to affect the entire team.
But when everybody sees thatthe person the master chief or
the captain of the crew is calmand is staying focused, it sends
(10:43):
off a certain vibe to everybodyelse.
Well, the same thing happens inour homes.
If I'm sitting in my house andeverything is getting me
dysregulated and upset andgetting me all ticked off and
upset.
So that's the message I'msending to the child that this
environment is not safe.
This environment is not goingto be a steady ship.
It's going to be full ofunpredictable, distrustful,
(11:08):
unpleasant experiences,especially if something just
goes sideways.
But to be able to settle in intoa more calmer energy and even
when we have to discipline ourchild, reprimand, point out that
something needs to be corrected, to do it in a compassionate,
in a gentle, in a loving voice,will actually get us way further
(11:31):
for a number of reasons.
One pleasant words are mucheasier to receive.
The sages have already told usthis in the Talmud 2,000 years
ago.
Pleasant words are always muchmore easier to receive than
words of criticism andnegativity and judgment.
And two child again isnaturally going to be looking to
see in what way are weconveying a message?
(11:52):
And when the message isconveyed in a soft, loving,
gentle way, it's so much easierfor the other person to actually
receive it.
And, by the way, if youactually connect the person's
brain and their neurocircuitryto a computer and you watch an
interaction one that involvestension, nervousness, and
(12:14):
another one that involves agentle voice, calmness you will
see that even in ourneuropsychology, there's totally
different response from thenervous system.
In one, there is a calmness.
There is therefore ability toreceive.
And when we're around thestressful people and somebody's
just upset around us because wenow have to be concerned, do I
(12:37):
need to protect myself here?
Because we now have to beconcerned, do I need to protect
myself here?
Do I need to go into fightflight mode and be ready to
either react, walk away orremain silent?
And if I need to do that, thenI'm now going to exert all of my
energy focusing on that ratherthan focusing on being present,
rather than focusing onconnecting and being with you.
(12:58):
And so, again, another deeperlayer of this is our need to.
When we look at our child, theengaging behavior, we might
immediately run to stories inour heads.
Well, I didn't behave like thiswhen I was little, but how am I
going to convey it?
Is it going to be with calm?
Is it going to be gently,lovingly, because that will give
the highest chance of beingreceived?
Is it going to be gentle,lovingly, because that will give
(13:18):
the highest chance of beingreceived?
Is it going to be gentle,lovingly, because that way I'm
also sending a message that therelationship with you, my child,
is very important to me andtherefore I take this
relationship seriously and I'mgoing to treat this relationship
with respect.
I'm not just going to allowmyself to get dysregulated and
then finally right.
The highest maybe consciousnessof this parenting will be is
(13:41):
and I want to also fulfill theobligation of walking in God's
ways.
And when I stay calm, when Ispeak with tolerance and
compassion and love andacceptance, I am practicing
fulfilling this obligation ofwalking in God's ways.
And how beautiful it is that Ican have opportunity to work on
helping shape and build my childand next generation in this
(14:03):
world.
I have an opportunity tofulfill obligation, to walk in
God's ways and have opportunityto build a relationship with the
people I claim are some of themost important people in my life
.
Hope you enjoyed.
Thank you for joining us today.
For questions, comments, topicsyou'd like to hear more about,
or to try our 24-weekrelationship challenge, email us
at relationshipreimagined atgmail.
Hello and welcome to Dating, marriage and Divorce
Conversations where we analyze,navigate and troubleshoot all
stages of your romantic life.
I'm your host, igor Meiselman,a divorce attorney turned
relationship coach.
Igor Meiselman, a divorceattorney turned relationship
coach.
Hello everybody, welcome back.
(00:30):
This is a part three of ourseries in the month of Elul, and
the next relationship that wewant to talk about today is the
parent-child relationship, arelationship that well might,
seemingly one might say, wait,what's it doing on the dating,
marriage and divorceconversations?
Well, let me tell you, believeit or not, children is one of
(00:50):
the big drivers of stress,tension in a romantic
relationship.
People who have children andhave families are very much
affected by what goes on intheir parenting styles and what
happens when we disagree oncertain decisions, important
life decisions such as education, or an important health
(01:11):
decision that's affecting thechild.
Tensions arise, challengesarise as a result of disagreeing
in these arenas.
And now I want to start on theoutset with the following
concept that I've been thinkingabout more, exploring, wondering
how it might resonate for otherpeople, and the concept is as
follows you know, in previousgenerations, even just two
(01:34):
generations ago, the pace oflife, pace of technological
development, informationavailability was fairly
consistent and steady, and whatI mean by that is, let's say,
somebody growing up in the 1920swouldn't experience a
significantly big difference intheir lifestyle, in their access
(01:55):
to information, to lifeexperiences, than somebody
growing up in 1950s, let's say,literally a generation later.
And then the 1990s came and the2000s, and the iPhone and the
internet, and then eventuallyfollowed by social media,
created completely newenvironment, an environment that
(02:16):
when I was growing up, I didnot know.
And so one thing that I think isso important for people to keep
in mind as a big picture isthat today, the reality is is
that raising children actuallyinvolves two front battle, not a
one front battle, and what Imean by that is that not only do
we have to engage in thisincredible, awesome opportunity,
(02:40):
responsibility of raisingchildren, but we also have to
raise ourselves, also in theprocess, because the things that
my kids are doing I didn't dowhen I was their age, but the
needs my kids have, I didn'thave these needs growing up and
making statements such as well.
(03:02):
When I was your age, I didn'thave this issue.
So you know, boo-hoo, what'syour problem?
It's just not going to work.
All that it's going to do iscreate isolation.
All that it's going to do iscause the child to feel not
understood.
That drives the division, thefeeling of isolation, of
(03:24):
loneliness in the child and itultimately prevents the ability
to build a healthy bridge inourselves and the child for the
information exchange, for theinfluence, for input, for
ability to mold and shape theirworld.
And it's something that I'mfinding feels unnatural, strange
(03:48):
and a lot of resistance comesup for people of a generation
that is generation threetechnology, internet and social
media to understand that in thisgeneration it will be nearly
impossible to influence thechild by simply either imposing
our will on the child purely bydiscipline, by critical
(04:13):
statements, by expressing thenegative consequences that may
await the child.
It just simply doesn't work.
What I find to be very effective, and it possibly might be the
only effective thing left, andthat is first building the
relationship.
As a quote that I famouslyheard once from Rabbi Shea Stow,
people do not care what youknow until they know you care.
(04:36):
It's just a very basic,fundamental piece of
relationships and certainlyrelationship between a parent
and a child.
Right, the child is naturallywired for rebellion, resistance,
discomfort.
The child wants to test limits,boundaries, not because they're
looking to be bad, but becausethey want to understand we are
(04:57):
at our limits, what would beacceptable and what would not be
acceptable.
And when there is lack of thatbridge, when there's lack of a
relationship, there's not a lotleft that allows for connection,
that allows for ability for mymessage, my life experiences, my
life lessons to be transportedover to the child, to be
(05:20):
transported over to that otherperson.
And that's because we make theassumption of oh, I have
valuable information, don't youwant my treasures?
Look, I have these amazingtreasures to share, don't you
want them?
And the reality is that that'snot how it works.
When we want to make an impacton another human being, when we
want to convey something thatwould be a long and lasting
(05:44):
impression that would actuallyaffect the child's views of
their values, of who they are,what values they want to choose
in a difficult situation, that'snot going to happen by coercing
them, by criticizing them or byshowing them I'm more powerful
than you.
I'm the parent.
You have to listen to me.
Here's one of my favorite ofall time you owe me the
(06:06):
obligation of honoring yourparents and I'm your parents.
You have to honor me.
Okay, good luck getting veryfar with that one.
I can't tell you how many timesI've actually heard the use of
this.
I'm gonna, all right, weaponizethe biblical command to either
guilt my child or make my childuncomfortable, so that my child,
(06:26):
hopefully, will listen to me.
And the unfortunate mistake thatthat parent is making is
they're not realizing that allthat they really have done is
they've isolated, ostracized,cut off their child from their
relationship with them and nowbeautiful impact, impressions
and values that they could havegiven over to them will now be
(06:49):
lost because the child isblocking receptivity.
The child is putting up a wallto not allow entry of these
things into their world.
So there has to be a shift intoa relationship-based parenting.
I just made up that termrelationship-based parenting as
opposed to authoritarianparenting.
(07:09):
Do you need to teach the childthat there's rules in life and
there's authority?
A hundred percent, but don'tteach it as an authoritarian.
Teach it as a relationship,almost to a certain degree being
friends with the child.
Does that mean child getswhatever they want?
Absolutely not.
Does that mean give in to everyof your child's demands?
No, and for a different reason,not for your own dignity, which
(07:31):
is what people have to say.
They're going to do what I say.
They live in my house, under myroof, they're going to listen
to me and when I listen to thatI always feel like it's such a
short-sightedness because reallythe thinking and the focus
should not be built around.
I'm the authority and you needto listen to me.
The real focus should bethere's here harm that's going
(07:53):
to happen to my child, which ismy child won't know what healthy
rules of engagement are.
My child won't know how to dealwith authority right.
And then, no wonder, we willhear today kids who are growing
up in this generation and nowthey're going to jobs.
They don't like something afterdoing it for a few months, but
they don't like the way somebodyspoke to them and that's it.
(08:14):
They just want to throw in thetowel, they want to resign, quit
, look for another job.
There's no resilience, there'sno patience, there's no ability
to withstand.
It's so interesting how it'snot only becomes about, or
should shift away from beingabout, authority and really
should really be much more abouthow do I impart these values to
(08:36):
my child?
And even when they can't havesomething, I'll just remind
myself that it's not aboutdepriving.
It's about actually helpingthem develop these other very
important life skills such asresilience, such as patience,
such as being able to acceptthat sometimes things will not
go their way.
(08:57):
And for us as parents, and againespecially during this month,
as we continue the theme westarted in part one of being
able to emulate and walk inGod's ways, again it's another
beautiful opportunity to alsodemonstrate to our children how
we actually are practicinghandling ourselves on their
(09:18):
stressful situations.
After all, think about it right, when I get dysregulated, when
I get upset in front of my child, there is also a certain
message that I am sending, andthe message I'm sending my child
is that, oh, when situationgets difficult, just get
dysregulated.
When things are not going yourway, you can just shout it out
(09:38):
or raise your voice or be rudeor be disrespectful to whoever
it is that you're speaking with,and we never pause and realize
that the way we're showing upthat itself is a growth
opportunity.
The way we're showing up thatitself creates for the child a
almost like a mock setting wherethey can practice.
(10:02):
This is the dress rehearsal,where they get to see what it's
like to copy these qualities andcharacter traits and to emulate
God's way and, hopefully, topractice.
I love quoting this line from Iheard it in the name of the Navy
SEALs.
The US Navy SEALs always saycalm is contagious.
Think about it.
Five, six guys are on the boat.
(10:23):
They're going to go into alife-death mission situation.
Calm is contagious.
If somebody is getting upset,nervous, dysregulated, it's
going to affect the entire team.
But when everybody sees thatthe person the master chief or
the captain of the crew is calmand is staying focused, it sends
(10:43):
off a certain vibe to everybodyelse.
Well, the same thing happens inour homes.
If I'm sitting in my house andeverything is getting me
dysregulated and upset andgetting me all ticked off and
upset.
So that's the message I'msending to the child that this
environment is not safe.
This environment is not goingto be a steady ship.
It's going to be full ofunpredictable, distrustful,
(11:08):
unpleasant experiences,especially if something just
goes sideways.
But to be able to settle in intoa more calmer energy and even
when we have to discipline ourchild, reprimand, point out that
something needs to be corrected, to do it in a compassionate,
in a gentle, in a loving voice,will actually get us way further
(11:31):
for a number of reasons.
One pleasant words are mucheasier to receive.
The sages have already told usthis in the Talmud 2,000 years
ago.
Pleasant words are always muchmore easier to receive than
words of criticism andnegativity and judgment.
And two child again isnaturally going to be looking to
see in what way are weconveying a message?
(11:52):
And when the message isconveyed in a soft, loving,
gentle way, it's so much easierfor the other person to actually
receive it.
And, by the way, if youactually connect the person's
brain and their neurocircuitryto a computer and you watch an
interaction one that involvestension, nervousness, and
(12:14):
another one that involves agentle voice, calmness you will
see that even in ourneuropsychology, there's totally
different response from thenervous system.
In one, there is a calmness.
There is therefore ability toreceive.
And when we're around thestressful people and somebody's
just upset around us because wenow have to be concerned, do I
(12:37):
need to protect myself here?
Because we now have to beconcerned, do I need to protect
myself here?
Do I need to go into fightflight mode and be ready to
either react, walk away orremain silent?
And if I need to do that, thenI'm now going to exert all of my
energy focusing on that ratherthan focusing on being present,
rather than focusing onconnecting and being with you.
(12:58):
And so, again, another deeperlayer of this is our need to.
When we look at our child, theengaging behavior, we might
immediately run to stories inour heads.
Well, I didn't behave like thiswhen I was little, but how am I
going to convey it?
Is it going to be with calm?
Is it going to be gently,lovingly, because that will give
the highest chance of beingreceived?
Is it going to be gentle,lovingly, because that will give
(13:18):
the highest chance of beingreceived?
Is it going to be gentle,lovingly, because that way I'm
also sending a message that therelationship with you, my child,
is very important to me andtherefore I take this
relationship seriously and I'mgoing to treat this relationship
with respect.
I'm not just going to allowmyself to get dysregulated and
then finally right.
The highest maybe consciousnessof this parenting will be is
(13:41):
and I want to also fulfill theobligation of walking in God's
ways.
And when I stay calm, when Ispeak with tolerance and
compassion and love andacceptance, I am practicing
fulfilling this obligation ofwalking in God's ways.
And how beautiful it is that Ican have opportunity to work on
helping shape and build my childand next generation in this
(14:03):
world.
I have an opportunity tofulfill obligation, to walk in
God's ways and have opportunityto build a relationship with the
people I claim are some of themost important people in my life
.
Hope you enjoyed.
Thank you for joining us today.
For questions, comments, topicsyou'd like to hear more about,
or to try our 24-weekrelationship challenge, email us
at relationshipreimagined atgmail.
Popular Podcasts
Fudd Around And Find Out
UConn basketball star Azzi Fudd brings her championship swag to iHeart Women’s Sports with Fudd Around and Find Out, a weekly podcast that takes fans along for the ride as Azzi spends her final year of college trying to reclaim the National Championship and prepare to be a first round WNBA draft pick. Ever wonder what it’s like to be a world-class athlete in the public spotlight while still managing schoolwork, friendships and family time? It’s time to Fudd Around and Find Out!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.