April 23, 2024 • 43 mins
Ever found yourself at a crossroads, where the words you need to say are barricaded behind a wall of anxiety? My girls Breona, Nikki, and I certainly have, and we're tearing down that wall in our latest heart-to-heart. We're dissecting the art of tough talks and the self-reflection required to steer our lives back on track, whether it's confronting the dissonance between ambition and reality, or the breaking points that scream for change. It's a conversation as raw as it is real, filled with personal stories that remind us why sometimes, the hardest person to be honest with is the one in the mirror.
Host KC Carnage (@iamkccarnage), Nakieyta Davis (@jxnchuurik) and Breona Dewitt (@denasha.bre)
Daz It Daz All is written by KC Carnage (@iamkccarnage) and Produced by KC Carnage and Rick Barrio Dill (@rickbarriodill). Associate producer Bri Coorey (@bri_beats), Audio and Video Engineering and Studio facilities provided by S.L.A.P. Studios LA (@SLAPStudiosLA) with distribution through our collective for social progress and cultural expression, SLAP the Network. (@SLAPtheNetwork.com)
If you have any ideas for a show you want to see or hear, email us at info@SLAPtheNetwork.com and as always, you can go to dazitdazall.com and sign up there to make sure you never miss a thing...
See you next show!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
with inflation and everything that's going on and
mental health.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
I think everybody's just like existing at this point
.
Like what?
Speaker 2 (00:06):
are we doing?
And also, how do you do it?
Because the formula of how itused to work, you don't.
It's not working anymore.
So now you're like well, thisis what I know, this is what
I've always done.
When did it change and how do Ishift with it?
What do I do?
Speaker 3 (00:50):
What up, what up, what up this is, that's it,
that's all.
And I'm your host, caseyCarnage, as you know, and we got
the usual suspects on the show,you know.
I got my girls Brianna, hey,and we got Nikki, oh Ler.
And today I want to talk about,you know, like life has been
life in y'all and I don't knowif y'all have been going through
like a lot of stuff I don'tknow what you call it would be
(01:12):
mercury or retrograde, whatevery'all want to call it but life
has been life in.
So I wanted to talk about today, about having the hard
conversations, and I'm nottalking about just having the
hard conversations with thepeople around you, but also
having the hard conversationswith yourself, especially.
Like I don't know about anybodyelse, but personally I feel like
life has really been taking atoll on me, whether it was
(01:33):
personal or finances orfriendship or love.
Like I feel like this week I'vehad to have a lot of hard
conversations and it's kind ofhard when you know you're an
ambitious person and you knowthings just feel like they're
not falling into place and youactually have to have to take
the time to actually, like, takethat veil off and really ask
yourself are you actually doingeverything in your power that
(01:57):
you can be doing?
And then, when you stop lyingto yourself and that answer is
no, it is a really tough, youknow, pill to swallow, and you
know what I mean.
Like.
And I found I found myselfasking God a lot this week, like
, is this the life that you like?
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe that this isthe life you had planned for me.
Like, what is up, what do I mean?
(02:17):
And I've had severalconversations this week that
kind of like put a lot of thingsin perspective and like I you
know.
So I let's just jump into it.
So one of my first questions Iwant to ask, like you know, and
if y'all have any, you know, outthere in the metaverse, out
there in the universe, if y'allhave any questions, y'all want
to answer these questions too.
I would definitely definitelylike to get some feedback on it.
(02:38):
But you know why do we put offthe hard conversations until,
like, we either explode or justtoo late?
Why do you think that is?
Speaker 1 (02:48):
I feel like sometimes it's, you know, like again,
life be life, and sometimes youjust don't have the time to have
those, have those conversations.
Also, some people just don'tlike confrontation, or you don't
know the ways to say it so thatthe person could possibly
receive it, Because sometimespeople just don't like to
receive any type of criticism orany type of, and so sometimes
(03:08):
it's just easier just to youknow, like all right, whatever
it is what it is, we'll talkabout it.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
We can also cause anxiety, because hard
conversations is anxiety.
We're already anxious about 50million other things.
We're just like I can't beanxious about this I want to
think about it right now and youthink to come back to it and
you kind of don't, because whenthe times are good you kind of
be like, oh, I love her, likeI'm having a good time, I fuck
it.
And then you know you just shitboils and boils and you know
it's definitely, it's stuff,it's like you know, it's like
(03:34):
it's definitely don't mean it to.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
And it's also like I think, like Bree said, about
like you know you feeling, likeyou have that inkling, like
somebody do something.
It's the first of the side eyeand then somebody's like oh, I'm
not going to answer her text,I'm not going to answer his text
.
And then the next thing, yousee them and they like next to
you, you just looking at themand you try and keep composing.
And then next thing, you knowit, like you are truly welling
out, like you're welling out,and it's like, it's like, and
(04:02):
it's like, not even like, andthen it's sad because I'm not
here.
Like, how does that get here?
Like it's like, it's likealmost to like.
You know, like, how do we honorourselves in those
conversations as well?
Speaker 1 (04:18):
It's literally just like you just said.
You just you're going to haveto go to get out to look at
yourself and be like look, whatdo I, what's best for me?
And what's best for me isprobably talking about the
situation.
If it doesn't go, how I want itto go, if it goes left or
whatever, am I okay withsevering this relationship?
If it comes to that, which iswhich is probably a big thing
(04:41):
too, it's like if this doesn'tgo because you always obviously
don't know how the otherperson's going to respond to
whatever you have to say, theycould take it well, they could
take it terribly.
So there's also a chance ofthat relationship going sour and
sometimes going through thatgrief of losing that
relationship is something youdon't want to go through either.
So it's like damn, like, whatdo you do?
(05:02):
But they still do what's bestfor you, because it's going to
hurt either way, Whether youstay in something that you
haven't addressed or whether youdo it and it doesn't go with
the way you plan.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
So I feel it.
I feel it.
I just I don't know like thisweek.
You know like we had a hardconversation in our friend group
this week and it was a lot likepeople tensions was high
because I feel like everybodyhad their own version of what
was going on, and I know Nikkimentioned about like just not
talking to each other, but it'salso that thing is just kind of
(05:33):
like y'all my booze, like whatI'm feeling right now to convey
what I want to feel, like Likeit's like I got to keep keep
face really in the front, butI'm screaming inside and I'm
knocking shit over inside.
And how do I convey what I'mthinking versus what I'm feeling
and still honor what I'mfeeling without having to think
(05:56):
about is this going to affect orhurt somebody else?
That is a very hard like tokind of like, like get over,
because you know like you dowant to leave with love, but
you're angry at the same time.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Which is why sometimes I think, wait, they
don't.
I mean, obviously we shouldn'tlet too much time goes by,
because then you're stacking andstacking and stacking on many
things that people probablydon't remember no more.
And it's not fair to just comeat me with all this and that's
even more anxious and even moreoverwhelming.
So I would say, wait a littletill we're not angry, but who's
to say how long that is?
But you know, but it's just howwe have to learn how to just
(06:31):
have this conversation to say,hey, so this kind of bothered me
.
I want to talk to you aboutthis, Can we?
And even if they don't receiveit well, we did what we need to
do.
If they don't receive it, well,we just.
It's showing us how to moveforward with this person.
It's giving us the answers weneed, but we did what we needed
to do and that's all we can do.
We do have to do it and it ishard because we don't want to do
with the anxiety of it.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
We're anxious, like everybody's fucking anxious,
like it's just so much, and Ihave that moment that you was
like, how do I do it when I wantto just knock and shit over?
I had that moment and I blew up.
But then I had to go back andrealize, like these are people
that I love, these are peoplethat I care about, and my
intention was never to hurt youor hurt feelings.
And so I had to go back andapologize to all y'all.
(07:12):
I'm like, look, I'm so,apologize for my delivery.
I was emotional, I was in themoment.
I do love y'all, but we do needto obviously need to have a
conversation, because obviouslyI was holding in some stuff that
I've been holding in for toolong, but at the end of the day,
you still have to realize thatthese are people that you care
about, and how you talk to themand how you say things matter.
So I had to step back andapologize and regroup.
Speaker 3 (07:36):
And then we came together and said I think that,
like I feel like I'm a firmbeliever and y'all let me know
if y'all believe this too, and Ibelieve it but I'm a firm
believer in when life is tellingyou that you need to make a
change, it makes you reallyuncomfortable.
Like it makes you souncomfortable to the fact that,
(07:57):
like everything was shared, likethis past couple of days, like
everything has been triggeringme, from talking to my boo to
talking to y'all, to talking tomy family, like I've literally
been on pins and needles,because I feel like I had a
moment where I was just likewhat is happening?
What am I doing?
(08:17):
Why am I not where I'm supposedto be?
Why isn't my show getting thereal, like the views that I know
it deserves, or why am I notgetting booked the way I used to
?
Like it was a lot like dealingwith, like my boyfriend moving,
having that hard conversation asfar as like well, where are we
gonna go and are we gonnacontinue this?
(08:39):
And this is the realization ofyour life versus my life.
And just like it was just a lot, and also, too, like dealing
with my space, like I take on alot of responsibilities, not
only for myself, but for myfamily, for friends.
I take on a lot.
So like it really came to ahead and I had to have a
conversation with myself.
Like yo, we gotta come up witha plan.
(09:01):
And are you doing everything onyour plan?
Have you become complacent?
Because there is a little bitin me that, like I feel like at
the age that I am and what I'vedone in life, that I have been
coasting for a while and that'snever been me.
But I also have had the dualityof feeling like I don't know if
(09:24):
I have anymore in me to keeppushing Like little link.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Yeah, I mean so for moving.
So I am very okay with beingstill.
So I feel like that sometimestoo, where I'm like I'm not this
busy B, I need to work hard.
I need to have this and thisand this going on.
I do like things to lookforward to, but I'm okay with
being very still.
As Bree's mother says, I am thetype of I will let grass grow
up under me because I am still.
I like chilling.
(09:50):
I'm very low maintenance.
I don't get me wrong.
I don't mind having a littlebusiness for myself and whatever
, but I don't dream of labor.
I don't want to work hard.
I don't want to work hard asBeyonce.
I love that for Beyonce.
Who got Beyonce money?
I don't want to do that.
I don't.
I don't mm-mm.
Speaker 3 (10:08):
Do you ever feel like your life isn't moving as fast
as you want it to be Like?
Do you ever feel like, okay,well, but girls, what you, chill
or not, there has to besomething that you want to
achieve, right.
Do you feel like, in yourstillness, does it give you
anxiety that you're notachieving?
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Yes, and I feel guilty about it all the time.
But I also feel I know thereare people who are working their
asses off and they still don'thave enough.
And that's what makes me go,because sometimes it makes you
think are you lazy?
It's like no, I would.
I don't mind doing the work,but also, what is the reward of
it?
I still want to feel like I'mgetting what I need from doing
all this work, because I know somany people working hard and
they're still not ahead.
They're still struggling.
(10:49):
Two jobs are not enough.
Everything is just not enough.
And that makes you hesitant,where you just lose faith in why
am I getting up every day?
Why am I trying?
And then you just kind of Idon't want to say quit, but the
strength that you need to get upand do it every day it just
gets lost, cause you're justlike what is this for?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
What is the?
Speaker 2 (11:08):
reason, I'm just.
Yeah, I'm just here to get upand pay bills and wake up and do
it all over again with people.
I don't want to be aroundthings.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
I can't enjoy things I want to do People right now
going with inflation andeverything that's going on and
mental health.
I think everybody's just likeexisting at this point.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
Like what are we?
Speaker 1 (11:24):
doing.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
And also, how do you do it?
Cause formula of how it used towork.
You don't, it's not workinganymore.
So now you're like well, thisis what I know, this is what
I've always done.
When did it change?
And how do I shift with it?
And that's real talk.
What do I do?
Speaker 3 (11:36):
That was another thing about my anxiety.
So like, okay, so you all knowmy background, you all my
friends, I know my background.
Like I had no problem getting aregular job before, like I can
see my resume in.
I'd have five interviews linedup.
Because I took a different pathfor a little bit.
There's a gap in my resume thatI'm not.
I'm just kind of like did Imiss out on, like being able to
(11:58):
catch myself in my net?
And if that net is gone, whatthe fuck do I do now?
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Can you not allow that fucking resume.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
No, I mean, I mean, you know, but then just saying
like these were the thoughtsthat was coming in the skills
are still there, the skills arestill there.
Absolutely.
The skills are still there, butwhen it comes down to like
Nikki was saying about what usedto work and what doesn't work,
you know you go to a formeremployer.
They're looking at like, okay,well, your last quote unquote
real job was in 2016 and it's2021, 2023.
(12:27):
It's like what?
Speaker 1 (12:28):
have you been doing?
You think COVID happened Right.
But in the I mean.
That's the reality of the fact.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
Like for us that has freelance and have learned to
like make money other ways, itdoesn't make sense, yeah yeah,
Creators especially, we're veryconfused because the formula of
what we used to do for ourselvesit's changed.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
And it's like, how do I move with the change?
You're trying to, but also justdoesn't work for you, or you do
, and it's still not working,but it's working for somewhere
else and you're just like, well,what am I doing wrong?
What do I need to do?
And then, with social media,it's changing so much and it
seems like to be it.
It needs to be negative.
Whatever is click baits,whatever is views, whatever is
negative, whatever is get peoplerough feathers ruffle that's
(13:09):
what seems to be at the topright now.
It's not even just your art canbe good.
You just go off that.
You can't.
It has to be controversial.
You did something crazy and nowpeople are seeing your shit and
it's like.
I don't like that feelingeither.
As an artist, I don't wanna bein the tabloids that way.
I just wanna do what I do.
I don't wanna be on theheadlines for y'all to see in a
crazy way.
I don't want that.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
I don't wanna be crazy.
I don't, and it's so funnybecause, like I was talking to
Zion other day, we got into adeep conversation about how,
like women, like I don't evenwanna say good women and bad
women, I don't wanna use thoseterms but they were talking
about, like you know, women thatare strippers or whatever the
case may be, or like former hoesquote unquote Like sex workers
(13:49):
Not necessarily sex workers, but, like you know, like the Cardi
B's of the world.
Like they came up and just kindof like it was just like when
you have the woman that isworking in government or
whatever, or whatever the casemay be.
That's what I said.
It's a tricky career.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
Like career one You're coming up with, surely
one of the most iconic Career.
No, no, no, that's what I'msaying.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
It's like the duality of like whatever.
But if you're like a regularwoman, I keep using the quotes
because I don't.
It's not necessarily what Ithink.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
It's just lack of a better terms.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
I got what you're trying to say it's like women
that don't have BBLs or arenatural bodies and have like
regular jobs.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
Kind of vanilla, but not really vanilla Exactly.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
They're getting pushed aside, even though those
are good, good women, andthey're teaching younger women
that you gotta be scheming,every man is a trick and all
this stuff like that.
And, unfortunately, when welook on the TV and stuff like
that, that's all you see.
So, like, what are ourdaughters learning?
You know what I mean?
Like is the way you're gonna bemaybe go to college or not go
to college and it's like that'sa tricky.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Yeah, that's why I've been hearing why sexy reds come
up is so controversial to somepeople, because it's like even
for a darker skin woman.
You know, we have all theselighter skin women in rap that
are getting pushed, you know,here because they're lighter
skin and then if you bring outsexy, red or dark skin women,
this is what's representing us.
So it's like a controversialthing.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Comment.
I mean, yeah, it's a thing,because it's like you know, like
I'm, like, I'm scary.
Are we winning Right?
Speaker 1 (15:12):
But also, is that just for trading media, or is
that real life?
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Because I feel like in real life, social media, real
life and the Perceptions arevery different.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
I mean that's relative, because if you think
about it now, social media isreal life to people Like and
that is the relativity of it,because, like to us who have
tread the line of without socialmedia and with social media
like we're the last of stillknowing what a house phone is
you know what I mean Stillremembering what a telephone is.
(15:40):
So we still have those kind oflike memories of we can tread
both, we can be ratchet.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
We're old and we can do stuff like that.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
Like we can do that, but it's also to that there are
girls coming up.
Like these girls come up, thatsocial media is their life, it
is their life.
So it's like what's to say that?
Like, like, how do we figureout that formula?
Like, what is that formula fora quote, unquote regular girl,
you know what I mean?
(16:09):
Or a woman that is not BBL anddoesn't look like that, or
whatever the case may be, how dothey feel like they can still
win and still be loved and stillbe represented?
And those are the things thatpeople get challenged.
When you are talking toyourself in the mirror, like
that shit gets down, like Idon't know what conversations
y'all have with y'all selves,but you know, sometimes it's
(16:29):
like I know that I'm pretty, Iknow that I'm smart and stuff
like that, but I do know that ifI had all of this and a fat ass
, or a couple shades later, likeyou know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
A couple of shades later I'd be way further.
Even if porn is different, Ithink the kind of sex that's
expected in porn has changedbecause of sex work.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
Like now men just come up to you and just look at
your coochie and say squirt andit's like that's not how, that's
not true, I'm like you ain'tdone nothing to turn me over and
also, vagina Coochie just ain'tgonna just be wet cause you say
something and I know they'veseen OnlyFansGirls and we're
just squirting and peeing up astorm and they just think that's
what it is.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
So also like social media has also changed how sex
is, even just dating everythingyeah, it definitely has changed
Things like ready microwave.
Like, everything is supposed tobe Instagram application.
We all just want Instagramapplication.
Yeah, chemistry is supposed tobe there.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
The vibe is supposed to be there.
He ain't gotta do no work.
I'm supposed to be just turnedon and risked right, and music
too.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Music is huge.
Music hasn't a huge effect ondating and how men approach
women, how they see women.
And you know women are standingup and saying, I mean, it's
supposed to be these podcastscoming up and it's always.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
We can never just have healthy conversations, it's
always men against women andthe conversation of dating and
broken.
Who should pay for what?
And the roles, and I'm justlike damn why everything gotta
be a battle.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
I'm black and women against what it works for, how
it works for you.
It's not right around him.
It's not right around you.
Whatever works for you is howit works, do that.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Find somebody who's gonna believe whatever system.
If you believe that men aresupposed to pay all the bills
and that's your life and thatworks for you, do that.
There's a man out there thatwill pay all your bills, find
him, marry him and shut the fuckup.
If you believe there's a manthat's supposed to be 50, 50,
there's a girl out there, who'swith that?
Who's with that?
Do that.
It ain't me, shut up.
Speaker 3 (18:10):
But there's a girl out there for you.
I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired, but okay.
So the next question I have islike why is it so hard to let
things go, that your mind, yourbody and your soul is telling
you to let go?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Change is scary and it's easy just to be comfortable
being things that are familiarand things that we're used to.
It's like, well, I don't wannalet this go, like I'm used to it
, like I don't wanna start over,I don't wanna relearn.
This is like dating you leave apart and it's like yeah, I'm
(18:46):
tired.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
I'm sick of this motherfucker.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
We're young, we don't wanna who's your favorite color
.
What do you wanna do for?
Speaker 2 (18:51):
fun, I'm gonna do that.
Speaker 3 (18:52):
I don't wanna fucking answer those.
I don't wanna do that, we'rejust tired.
I wanna do it.
I don't wanna do it, we'retired.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
I literally had a fucking notes in my phone of
copied and like answers I'm justtalking copied from and I'm
tired of like retryping thisshield.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
I'm not telling you to make up my favorite color.
What do I have to do for fun?
I'm tired of it.
Go back, go back, go back In mynotes.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
I had notes of common questions that I get asked
during our own dating apps.
What do you like to do?
For fun, I already had one copypaste.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
Do you smoke a drink?
Speaker 1 (19:23):
I had already answers .
I was tired of answering thosequestions over and over and
having to type out paragraphsand doing the same shit.
Do you squirt?
Speaker 3 (19:29):
Don't?
I swear y'all Like we can neverhave a serious conversation
after my girlfriend.
My name is Squirt or they'reGucci.
I understand no man, I just Imean everything's old.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
You're over sexualized, you can't open
Instagram now without a girlshaking her coochie and her ass.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
I'm like God damn.
No, it's funny that you soeverything's hyper sexualized so
it's so hard to not be hornybecause everything's fucking sex
and we're just horny Right, butalso everything's sex.
Like you can't even turn on theTV without seeing sex.
Everything's sex.
Instagram my whole four youpages ass, how sway Ass.
I mean, I'm not complaining,necessarily, but like Can I see
(20:08):
something else?
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Even as a sex worker.
On my timeline I sometimesthere's just so much porn Cause
I know I'm a sex worker andobviously I do porn, I post it
too.
But I'm like sometimes I'm like, oh my God, I need to break.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
It's too much.
It's just porn, porn, porn.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Second date ass green Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt
ass ass dick dick, dick and I'mjust like oh my God, I just
wanna see.
No, I feel you on somethingelse, that's probably why I
don't wanna have kids.
I don't wanna raise my kids inthis mess.
Raise kids in this mess.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
I know I feel you on that.
Like we were talking, like Itell you, I had some
conversations this week.
I was so much I was literallyin my room that day, like under
the cover, like I think I was inmy bed under the cover for like
10 hours straight.
Like I think I got up to pee, Igot up to eat once and I was in
the bed.
We had a conversation, mypartner and I like he's moving
(20:51):
and we were talking about likehow things were gonna work, and
so I was just like his responsewas very realistic.
My response was very emotionalbecause there was things that
like I wanted him to say, eventhough he was telling me the
truth, and my brain understoodbut my heart couldn't because I
(21:12):
wasn't hearing the things that Iwanted to hear.
And so, but in turn, once youknow you sit, you know you sit
on it for a little bit, it waswhat I needed to hear.
You know what I mean.
Like because it's like onething that I can say about the
guy that I'm dating now is veryadult, like it's a very adult
relationship that I haven't beenin a while, where it's not like
(21:33):
fight or flee.
Just got to cut, like youreally got to figure some shit
out.
And one of the things that hementioned about what he wanted
in his life versus what my lifeis, he was just like I don't
like the fact that you're in thenightlife, like like I just you
know, it's like you do it.
He said I support it.
Like he's like you're anentertainer, it's what you have
to do, but it bothers me, hesaid, because in my life he's
(21:56):
like.
In my life I get up at fiveo'clock every morning, I eat
healthy, I go to the gym, I'm inbed by nine o'clock and the way
I want my life to be is notwhat you're like.
I'm not stopping you and I knowthat's what you have to do, but
how do we make that work?
You know what I mean?
Like how do we, especially nowthat we're so far away, because
now we're in a two hour no timedifference, it's like you'll be
(22:19):
out.
I can't really check on you now.
You know what I'm saying.
So it was like a lot of this andmy thing was well, yeah, that's
what I'm saying.
And my thing was like I thinkmy emotional state was I'm not
trying to do this all over againwith nobody, but I also don't
want to sacrifice what I have toachieve based on what I know my
purpose is.
So how do I figure that out?
(22:41):
So that was giving me a lot ofturmoil because it wasn't like.
The conversation was very muchlike this, this, this, but, this
, this, this, this but and Iheard the butts as no, but his
butt was like the butt.
When he explained what hisbutts were, it was more so.
The butts are, these are thethings we have to figure out.
(23:01):
Like these are big things, likethere was a couple other things
that I need to like, like theVogue, but like his butts, my
emotional state, her, his buttsis no, but my logical and
rational mind heard it.
As these are things that we haveto work on, especially now that
we are going to be in twoseparate states.
How do we work these things out?
(23:23):
Not saying that the doors close, but realistically, I know you
and you know me.
So what do we do here?
So it was a lot.
It was a lot because I had toask myself, you know, in that
state, like, am I willing tosacrifice a lot?
Because I would be asking himto sacrifice a lot too, and I
(23:47):
have been moving in life with noreal sacrifices, especially in
my relationships.
It was what I want, what I'mgoing to do, and you have to
deal with it.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
Like you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
But also, too, I've also never had anybody challenge
me in a way to actually thinkabout like, okay, I do want kids
.
You know what I mean.
I don't necessarily think thatthey were necessarily afraid of
me.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
It was just more so like I didn't care enough.
You're very, you're very.
I tell you no because likeyou're very bad at that, like
I'm, like I always say, likepeople say, I work, like how
does Casey sell so much?
Like she don't ask them whatthey want.
She tell them what they want,like why she not asking?
Speaker 3 (24:27):
I mean it's a gift, but you know what I mean like
and it put a lot of perspectivein me and had to have a
conversation with me like, yes,I want to have a family.
Yes, I want kids.
Are my actions and the thingsthat I'm doing currently is very
, very, very induces to the lifethat I'm saying that I want to
have.
You know what I mean.
So it was a lot, it was a lotto do with.
(24:47):
I was like I don't knownecessarily what the future
holds.
I don't have necessarily theanswer yet, but that was a big
conversation and that lead.
That led into okay, what elseare there holds in my life that
I have to be completely honestwith myself about, because
something right now is a block.
There's a block happeningaround me, and that goes for
(25:09):
what we're surrounding ourselveswith.
What are we doing in our sparetime?
How are we?
What conversations are wehaving when we're with the
people that we're with?
Are they enriching our minds?
Are they?
What are we talking about?
Businesses Are we talking about?
What are we talking about?
And that it really these pastcouple of days I've really been
sitting in myself.
I felt kind of crazy, but alsofelt like I was looking at me
(25:34):
Like all right, this is it.
Like this, is it because I'mnot getting any younger, you
know, I'm only getting, you know, moving.
I'm not saying that being olderwill stop my life, but I do
have to think about certain shitin this point in my life that I
didn't have to five years ago,you know.
And so, like I don't know, likehave you guys had any like hard
(25:57):
conversations you've had tohave with yourself, or did you
have to work, like have beenworking through lately?
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Yeah, I mean like we all live in LA and,
realistically, if we're gonna bereal, we are just getting by.
We don't have real money withany real assets or savings, like
you know.
So at our age, we have to thinklike, okay, how long do I wanna
be here?
What am I working towards?
Do I wanna start building?
Do I need to move somewhereelse that's a little bit cheaper
(26:22):
, cause LA is bad, expensive,it's.
I think I'm at a point where,even when I was gonna move,
before I thought about movingwith my boyfriend, I thought,
okay, so if I stay here, whatare you doing?
You're gonna get anotherapartment that's overpriced.
You're paying $40, $50,000 ayear in rent to not own anything
.
Like what do you?
You know what I mean Like, andit's which is fine, cause not
everybody's goal is a house,depending on their lifestyle,
(26:44):
cause I'm a very singular person.
I don't know if I really want ahouse, but sometimes I think,
hey, sometimes you it's notabout you you think I want a
house.
So if someone else needs aspace, I have that space to
provide for them.
So maybe I'm getting a housefor that reason, if it's not
family, or I got kids orwhatever.
So, yeah, like you really haveto sit and just think like, okay
, how long am I gonna do this?
I had fun, I've been here, sowhat am I doing now?
(27:05):
Am I doing the work?
Even though sometimes,immensely, it feels like we're
doing the work, which drains usphysically, we really didn't do
anything.
Just thinking about doingsomething is hard too, cause I'm
like I get drained just fromthinking what should I, what I
should do, cause I'm like it's alot, but I mean, or just even
ways that I am a mirror of.
Oh, maybe you could be this way, do you not?
(27:27):
Maybe you didn't know you'rethis way.
You don't mind not hearing thatyou're this way.
Maybe it's the way someone toldyou, the way you were, that
made you feel the way.
With the conversations, withhaving car conversations too,
it's just a lot.
And, of course, when someone'ssaying something to us, we never
want to hear anything about us.
That's not pleasant.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
It's always gonna make us feel salty like and and
then later we'd be like die, die, die At the time and then,
later when we sit on it.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
we'd be like I do be tripping, I guess I do.
I do Like.
Speaker 3 (27:52):
I do, I do, I do.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
Okay, I shouldn't have maybe did that.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
I mean, I guess I mean they came with good facts.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
They came with valid reasons Like they came with
valid reasons and valid points.
You do have to sit in thatspace to be like oh good, fuck,
you be like.
Well, I said no, I said I, andthen you be like why do you have
to say it like that?
Speaker 1 (28:10):
When you would have had me like that I love her.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
Why am I talking to my friend like that?
I?
Speaker 1 (28:15):
was like I don't even know.
I don't even know, fuck up,cause I love these people.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
So you just every which is good Like it's also
good to become uncomfortable,cause we can get comfortable,
and it's like no, we do have toget up, we do have to get
uncomfortable sometimes to be ina comfortable state we want to
be in, we have to learn to beuncomfortable and that's hard
too.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Yeah, I feel like that's where I'm at right now,
like I used to be this, likelike constantly going,
constantly go, gettingconstantly, you know, feeling
like I had to do something,reach a goal or whatever, and
I'm just like I'm tired.
Speaker 3 (28:45):
I just want to chill sometimes.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
So, like I moved to LA, I got, you know, got the
things that I needed.
Of course I hustled to do that,but then I was like I just want
to enjoy life a little bit.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
I want to travel a little bit.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
I want to, just I'm like tired of feeling like a
workhorse, yes, all the time.
But then now I'm at the pointlike, all right, I've had a
couple of years to chill, I alsodon't want to chill too long.
And then I look up, I'm 45, 40,45.
And we waste a time.
And I, because I use my youngenergy to be getting shit done,
and I'm like, okay, so that'swhere I'm at.
(29:15):
Now I'm like, all right,brianna, what are we doing?
Like?
What do I want to do long term?
What is the goals Like?
Speaker 2 (29:20):
hustled out now to smell the roses.
I still want to have time tosmell the roses.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
So then, when I'm older, then I can like really
chill.
Speaker 3 (29:27):
Cause.
Then he also brought up a point.
He was just like until I metyou, I told myself I would never
date an artist.
He was like it was justsomething about you.
And I was like why would you dothat?
He was like because I alwaysrun into artists.
You be at the bar, be a 50 yearold artist.
I'm like yeah, I'm an artist atthe bar at 50.
Speaker 1 (29:43):
He was like.
I mean, I was like, and it'sokay.
Speaker 3 (29:45):
He was like it's okay , it's no judgment, but it's
just like that's not what Iwould want in a wife.
So this is kind of like whatwhich I understand, and I'm not
saying that I I'm not gonna beat no bar at 50 talking about my
artist, Like shit's happening.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
But it's like Does it depend on the succession of
that artist?
Like, does it matter?
Is he speaking of someone thatI think more so is finding the
balance.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
I think it's more so finding the balance of like if
you're saying like, like, like.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
one thing that I had to say.
I was just like yes, I'm asinger, but I haven't really
been booked for anything in along time.
My main focus has been thisshow, so I have to either make a
decision on saying that this ismy job, this is what I'm gonna
pour all my energy into or keepkeeping this same sad love song
about what I thought I wassupposed to be.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
You know what I mean.
And that is all hard.
Sometimes you feel too swallowand that's all hard to swallow
you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (30:39):
It's like what is motivating you and feeding you
now?
Are you holding on to what usedto be and what?
Yeah, I used to tour, yeah, Iused to be booked, whatever.
But that shit ain't happeningright now.
It's not happening like it wasbefore and I feel like there is
a part of me that is hoping thatthat'll pick up again.
But there's also a part of methat also knows, if I have to be
(31:02):
completely honest, that, yes, Ilove to perform, but that shit
was stressful, like you knowwhat I mean.
Like I feel like I wasn't avoid.
I don't know if it was because,like I was always managing
everything or whatever, and Icouldn't necessarily truly live
in the music I was always doing.
But I also have to realize, kay, you were good at the
management stuff.
That's what made you push.
(31:24):
To be completely honest, youcan sell a cracker to a
cockroach, you definitely got toget the bag.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
I love the bag.
A cracker to a cockroach.
Speaker 3 (31:31):
You got to get the bag, but that was hard for me
Like that was really like evenjust admitted it here on, you
know, on air, as we call it.
Even admitting that out loud onair took a lot for me to do
that, maybe like not saying thatI have to put music on the back
burner, but like that's notwhat's providing for me anymore,
that's not what is soulproviding for me anymore.
(31:54):
So I can't.
I have to start walking in thefact that I produced this
motherfucker, I create thismotherfucker, I host this
motherfucker and that's it.
That's all, and that's what mylife is right now and I have to
push.
When you have something thatyou're trying to push, you have
to push it, because if you haveyour hands and you're looking
backwards, you are going to getleft in that space, that void of
(32:17):
doubt and pressure, becauseyou're not even dealing with
what's happening in front of you, you know.
So that was like yeah, like Iwas, like I was like my friends
was like well, you going to talkto me.
I was like no, I need to talkwhen I can talk in real time and
be authentic, because Icouldn't talk to nobody the last
couple of days, like I don'twant to talk to nobody.
Now I do have one more question.
Do you think that guilt ormanipulation plays in a part and
(32:42):
ending something you no longerserves you.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
Yeah, absolutely.
Women definitely go through ita lot, as far as like being
gaslit but not realizing thatthat's happening in the moment.
And just for I know, for melike being, when I'm with
(33:06):
somebody, as a natural nurturerthat them feeling, oh, I'm going
to be without you, I'm going tobe by myself, you leave me.
And when I was younger, I usedto like tuggle my heart strings,
like, oh, I'm abandoning themwhen they need me the most and,
at the same time, like youcausing me so much grief, like I
can't even I can't even reallybe honestly be for you the way I
(33:27):
need to be, because you'recausing me so much grief.
And so, but of course, looking,you know, hindsight is 2020,
you see that manipulation andpeople are only do that because
they know that that's going to.
You know, get at you or.
But I mean now it's really hardto guilt trip me Because I me
(33:52):
personally, when I am inrelationships, whether it's my
friendships or relationships Ilove so hard and I give so much
that when I decide that I'm nolonger doing it, it's cause you
had to really fuck that up.
You know, it's not like I'm justdouble dutching with it and
holding it over your head.
Oh, if you don't, if you don't,the one moment you don't make
me happy, I'm snatching it back.
I'm really giving myself.
So the moment that I say I'mdone, you can't guilt trip me in
(34:15):
that, because, baby I, it tooka lot for me to get there.
So for me I now I realized thatlike guilt doesn't affect me as
much because I know who I amand I know what I offer.
When you don't know thatnecessarily and you don't know
your power, it's easy to warp.
You know and get and warpsomeone's mind around like what
(34:37):
they're actually providing foryou or whatever.
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (34:41):
Like it's funny, because that question was more
so for me, because I realizedthat like well, I wouldn't say
that I don't know, necessarily Ido it in my friendships per se,
but I definitely was doing itin my relationships A lot of
them like definitely the guilt,definitely the manipulation and
(35:03):
not manipulation as far as likethey were manipulating you.
No, then me them.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
Really.
Speaker 1 (35:09):
Me them.
Speaker 3 (35:10):
Because it was like okay, so as a child I was a
middle child, right, and then mybrother and my sister would
always be like your mom'sfavorite, whatever, whatever.
And my mom did do a lot for methat she didn't do for, you know
, my older sister or my brotheror whatever, and I played that
part.
Like I played that part, well,I put myself I've created this,
(35:32):
this box in this.
What do you call it?
This facade?
I wouldn't call it a facadebecause I'm pretty honest and
I'm pretty truthful, but I didcreate this side that it has to
be this perfect picture.
Like I have to look a certainway, I have to do things a
certain way, I have to get thisgrade, I have to do this, I have
to be a part of this, I have tobe on this panel.
(35:52):
Like it was a lot of, I guess,trying to hide what maybe my
family wasn't as like, eventhough we live in a good
neighborhood you know what Imean Like my mom wasn't that.
You know my mom wasn't that.
My grandmother was that, my momwasn't that.
So I leaned into that rolebecause it made me easier to
(36:13):
float through life.
So I kind of used thatthroughout school and throughout
relationships.
And when it came torelationships, it was always
like, well, who are you gonnaget better than me?
I cook, I clean, I'm educated.
You can go out there and getwhatever you want, but you're
not.
You know what I mean.
Or I would hold something.
I would hold something overtheir head Like, well, I knew
they needed me for this specificthing, so when they made me mad
(36:35):
, I would take that thing away.
You know what I mean.
Like I did that, like I wasguilty of that and as far as
like the guilt was, it was verymuch of how could you leave me?
I've done all of this for you.
You know what I mean.
And it's funny cause, like youall say, I'm this kumbaya, but
like it took me a lot to get tobe kumbaya because I had to chop
up some things.
That was not right, like youknow, like even my last
(36:58):
relationship, like I know Istayed in that relationship
waiting because it wasconvenient for me.
Like it was like you're goingto do what I want you to do.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
I have some it was a pandemic too right.
Speaker 3 (37:07):
I mean it was a pandemic which was still
convenient for me.
Like you know what I mean.
Like I had a whole other place,I had you know my own things
going on, I had my friends, butit was still very much of you
know who are you going to getbetter than me?
You know I'm this, I'm that andyou know.
And then it was time to likekind of like break up you know
what I mean.
(37:27):
Like we would have broke up.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
It's really being manipulative.
I'm trying to find the way thatyou're manipulating it.
Speaker 3 (37:34):
Well, it was more so manipulating cause.
We should have broke up a longtime ago, oh okay.
We should have, we, we, we, we.
I would say we both showedsigns.
I wouldn't say he was justshowing signs, but we were both
showing signs that we weren'ttruly compatible.
But when I would do it, I knewhe would run back to me.
When he would do it, I wouldguilt him.
(37:56):
It's like, how are you going toleave me?
I did this you know what I'msaying Because of that fear,
because of that fear of you know, maybe it was a pandemic, like
I ain't trying to be out here inthese streets by myself.
You know, like, who knows youbetter than me?
You know what I mean, like, andat that time there was really
nobody that knew him better thanme.
So he, out of his fear, stayedin a situation that probably
(38:18):
wasn't.
And out of my fear, it was kindof like he was willing to stay.
No, it worked.
It worked.
I mean For George, damn it.
I mean, I don't think, I don'tnecessarily think that it was
bullying but like it wasbullying.
It was bullying, little man, itwas bullying.
Speaker 1 (38:30):
It was really little bit.
I don't think it was bullying.
Speaker 3 (38:32):
I don't think it was bullying, but I also think that,
like we definitely probablyshould have broke up before we
broke up, you know what I mean.
And I think we just bothdecided not just like, we're
just not going to try to do it.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
I mean even as the I broke up.
Speaker 3 (38:43):
You still ain't really want to let it, yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:45):
Cause you still had that like who you going to get
better than me, which I get,cause I mean you are a great
woman, cause you was doing a lotof things during the pandemic.
Speaker 3 (38:50):
Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, but that's normal.
I feel like the after the factis a normal thing.
Like you break up, you don'tknow if you're going to get back
together.
I don't think that was like ohwell, oh, I disagree, I don't
think so.
I think it was normal.
I think it was a normal.
We're going to see what happens.
And once I realized it wasn'tgoing to happen, I was like bye,
Like I'm going to call you, andI told him.
(39:11):
I said this is done, Like ifthis is going on, this is going
to be done, You'll never see meagain.
I've never seen him since.
So it's just one of thosethings.
So I mean, I mean, I mean, doyou guys have anything else to
say?
You don't know.
I'd like to leave a message,you know, to our viewers or to
your younger selves, abouthaving the hard conversations,
and so what would be the messageyou guys would leave?
Speaker 2 (39:33):
Be easy on yourself.
Don't compare yourself to otherlawns.
It's not.
The grass is not always greeneron the other side.
You know, we have no idea whatpeople are going through what
they do make.
A lot of people do have faketurf and that's okay too.
Speaker 1 (39:46):
The fake turf looks nice.
Speaker 2 (39:47):
But I mean it doesn't mean that that's your journey.
Just because it works for themdoesn't mean it works for you.
So be easy on yourself.
You know I don't feel tooenvious of what other people are
doing on their lawns because,again, the grass is not always
good on the other side.
But take note to maybe dodifferent things to figure out
what works for you, Becausethere's not only one answer,
there's many different answersto make Shit float, Okay.
Speaker 1 (40:10):
I would say it's okay to be comfortable and it's okay
to not always be moving a milea minute, but also, don't become
too complacent, because theneverything else around you will
start moving past you and youwill think that you're
(40:32):
outgrowing them and they've beenoutgrowing you you don't have
it's okay to outgrow things whenyou do.
Speaker 2 (40:39):
Yeah, definitely, things people.
But some people be like.
Speaker 1 (40:43):
DT, I'm outgrowing, but no, you actually are the one
that people don't resonate withanymore, because you are
stagnant, you're not growing,you're not developing, you're
not taking accountability andyou think everybody else is just
or also changing.
I'm like no baby, you ain'tchanged.
Yeah, you have to change.
That's the problem.
That's probably the way youneed to change.
So, you know, don't becomplacent too long Again.
(41:03):
Like I said, take that break.
Like you said, don't beatyourself up.
Take that mental health breaksand fuck that job.
Sometimes, like you know.
Speaker 3 (41:11):
I would say also to learn how to check yourself.
Yeah, Like your people thatlove you.
It's like one of those thingspeople can see what's happening
and you can't see it.
It's like can you see your facewithout looking at a mirror?
No, yeah, Like you can't, youcan't.
So I would say learn to checkyourself, because I feel like
(41:31):
you've lived in your body.
You know all your memories, youcan tell and divulge whatever
information you want to tell toother people, but you know
what's up.
So take the time to check inwith yourself and check yourself
.
Speaker 2 (41:43):
Except me, because I'm always right.
Speaker 3 (41:46):
Bad girl.
Don't check out my stuff.
Don't check out my stuff, guys.
On that note, we're gonna wrapthis up and if you guys Get this
off, and if you guys resonateanything that we were talking
about, I would definitelyespecially on this topic,
definitely, definitely, wouldlove to hear some of your
feedback.
You'll know where to find us onall platforms Like subscribe,
(42:06):
share all the good things anddon't forget to say hi or if you
need somebody to talk to you.
This is what this is all aboutto have the conversation.
You can call me.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
I know you can't call me, but you can email me though
.
No, we should do it.
We should do an episode one dayof us getting some emails or
people talking.
Read the stories.
Speaker 3 (42:25):
Like, can we talk about that after I wrap up,
bitch, this is the fuckingpodcast.
You have conversations on apodcast?
Ho, well, and that's it Like Isaid.
Speaker 1 (42:38):
y'all can send us stuff.
If you wanted to talk aboutstuff and need some advice,
Y'all can drop an email.
Speaker 3 (42:43):
She wanna do a telethon?
Y'all.
She wanna do a telethon, Likethe fuck.
I said 1-800-DESIT-DESSO.
I'll give y'all Breonna'snumber at the end of this show.
So I'mma, and that's a wrap,y'all Desi.
That's all Desit-Desso iswritten by me, kasey Carnage,
(43:04):
and produced by myself and RickBarrio-Dill.
Associate Producer Brie Corrie,assistant Producer Larissa
Donahoe, audio and VideoEngineering and Studio
Facilities provided by SlapStudios LA, with distribution
through our collective forsocial progress and cultural
expression, slap the Network.
If you have any ideas for ashow you want to hear or see,
(43:27):
please email us at info atslapthepowercom and, as always,
go to desertdassocom and sign upthere to make sure you will
never miss a thing.
See you next show.
with inflation and everything that's going on and
mental health.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
I think everybody's just like existing at this point
.
Like what?
Speaker 2 (00:06):
are we doing?
And also, how do you do it?
Because the formula of how itused to work, you don't.
It's not working anymore.
So now you're like well, thisis what I know, this is what
I've always done.
When did it change and how do Ishift with it?
What do I do?
Speaker 3 (00:50):
What up, what up, what up this is, that's it,
that's all.
And I'm your host, caseyCarnage, as you know, and we got
the usual suspects on the show,you know.
I got my girls Brianna, hey,and we got Nikki, oh Ler.
And today I want to talk about,you know, like life has been
life in y'all and I don't knowif y'all have been going through
like a lot of stuff I don'tknow what you call it would be
(01:12):
mercury or retrograde, whatevery'all want to call it but life
has been life in.
So I wanted to talk about today, about having the hard
conversations, and I'm nottalking about just having the
hard conversations with thepeople around you, but also
having the hard conversationswith yourself, especially.
Like I don't know about anybodyelse, but personally I feel like
life has really been taking atoll on me, whether it was
(01:33):
personal or finances orfriendship or love.
Like I feel like this week I'vehad to have a lot of hard
conversations and it's kind ofhard when you know you're an
ambitious person and you knowthings just feel like they're
not falling into place and youactually have to have to take
the time to actually, like, takethat veil off and really ask
yourself are you actually doingeverything in your power that
(01:57):
you can be doing?
And then, when you stop lyingto yourself and that answer is
no, it is a really tough, youknow, pill to swallow, and you
know what I mean.
Like.
And I found I found myselfasking God a lot this week, like
, is this the life that you like?
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe that this isthe life you had planned for me.
Like, what is up, what do I mean?
(02:17):
And I've had severalconversations this week that
kind of like put a lot of thingsin perspective and like I you
know.
So I let's just jump into it.
So one of my first questions Iwant to ask, like you know, and
if y'all have any, you know, outthere in the metaverse, out
there in the universe, if y'allhave any questions, y'all want
to answer these questions too.
I would definitely definitelylike to get some feedback on it.
(02:38):
But you know why do we put offthe hard conversations until,
like, we either explode or justtoo late?
Why do you think that is?
Speaker 1 (02:48):
I feel like sometimes it's, you know, like again,
life be life, and sometimes youjust don't have the time to have
those, have those conversations.
Also, some people just don'tlike confrontation, or you don't
know the ways to say it so thatthe person could possibly
receive it, Because sometimespeople just don't like to
receive any type of criticism orany type of, and so sometimes
(03:08):
it's just easier just to youknow, like all right, whatever
it is what it is, we'll talkabout it.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
We can also cause anxiety, because hard
conversations is anxiety.
We're already anxious about 50million other things.
We're just like I can't beanxious about this I want to
think about it right now and youthink to come back to it and
you kind of don't, because whenthe times are good you kind of
be like, oh, I love her, likeI'm having a good time, I fuck
it.
And then you know you just shitboils and boils and you know
it's definitely, it's stuff,it's like you know, it's like
(03:34):
it's definitely don't mean it to.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
And it's also like I think, like Bree said, about
like you know you feeling, likeyou have that inkling, like
somebody do something.
It's the first of the side eyeand then somebody's like oh, I'm
not going to answer her text,I'm not going to answer his text
.
And then the next thing, yousee them and they like next to
you, you just looking at themand you try and keep composing.
And then next thing, you knowit, like you are truly welling
out, like you're welling out,and it's like, it's like, and
(04:02):
it's like, not even like, andthen it's sad because I'm not
here.
Like, how does that get here?
Like it's like, it's likealmost to like.
You know, like, how do we honorourselves in those
conversations as well?
Speaker 1 (04:18):
It's literally just like you just said.
You just you're going to haveto go to get out to look at
yourself and be like look, whatdo I, what's best for me?
And what's best for me isprobably talking about the
situation.
If it doesn't go, how I want itto go, if it goes left or
whatever, am I okay withsevering this relationship?
If it comes to that, which iswhich is probably a big thing
(04:41):
too, it's like if this doesn'tgo because you always obviously
don't know how the otherperson's going to respond to
whatever you have to say, theycould take it well, they could
take it terribly.
So there's also a chance ofthat relationship going sour and
sometimes going through thatgrief of losing that
relationship is something youdon't want to go through either.
So it's like damn, like, whatdo you do?
(05:02):
But they still do what's bestfor you, because it's going to
hurt either way, Whether youstay in something that you
haven't addressed or whether youdo it and it doesn't go with
the way you plan.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
So I feel it.
I feel it.
I just I don't know like thisweek.
You know like we had a hardconversation in our friend group
this week and it was a lot likepeople tensions was high
because I feel like everybodyhad their own version of what
was going on, and I know Nikkimentioned about like just not
talking to each other, but it'salso that thing is just kind of
(05:33):
like y'all my booze, like whatI'm feeling right now to convey
what I want to feel, like Likeit's like I got to keep keep
face really in the front, butI'm screaming inside and I'm
knocking shit over inside.
And how do I convey what I'mthinking versus what I'm feeling
and still honor what I'mfeeling without having to think
(05:56):
about is this going to affect orhurt somebody else?
That is a very hard like tokind of like, like get over,
because you know like you dowant to leave with love, but
you're angry at the same time.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Which is why sometimes I think, wait, they
don't.
I mean, obviously we shouldn'tlet too much time goes by,
because then you're stacking andstacking and stacking on many
things that people probablydon't remember no more.
And it's not fair to just comeat me with all this and that's
even more anxious and even moreoverwhelming.
So I would say, wait a littletill we're not angry, but who's
to say how long that is?
But you know, but it's just howwe have to learn how to just
(06:31):
have this conversation to say,hey, so this kind of bothered me
.
I want to talk to you aboutthis, Can we?
And even if they don't receiveit well, we did what we need to
do.
If they don't receive it, well,we just.
It's showing us how to moveforward with this person.
It's giving us the answers weneed, but we did what we needed
to do and that's all we can do.
We do have to do it and it ishard because we don't want to do
with the anxiety of it.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
We're anxious, like everybody's fucking anxious,
like it's just so much, and Ihave that moment that you was
like, how do I do it when I wantto just knock and shit over?
I had that moment and I blew up.
But then I had to go back andrealize, like these are people
that I love, these are peoplethat I care about, and my
intention was never to hurt youor hurt feelings.
And so I had to go back andapologize to all y'all.
(07:12):
I'm like, look, I'm so,apologize for my delivery.
I was emotional, I was in themoment.
I do love y'all, but we do needto obviously need to have a
conversation, because obviouslyI was holding in some stuff that
I've been holding in for toolong, but at the end of the day,
you still have to realize thatthese are people that you care
about, and how you talk to themand how you say things matter.
So I had to step back andapologize and regroup.
Speaker 3 (07:36):
And then we came together and said I think that,
like I feel like I'm a firmbeliever and y'all let me know
if y'all believe this too, and Ibelieve it but I'm a firm
believer in when life is tellingyou that you need to make a
change, it makes you reallyuncomfortable.
Like it makes you souncomfortable to the fact that,
(07:57):
like everything was shared, likethis past couple of days, like
everything has been triggeringme, from talking to my boo to
talking to y'all, to talking tomy family, like I've literally
been on pins and needles,because I feel like I had a
moment where I was just likewhat is happening?
What am I doing?
(08:17):
Why am I not where I'm supposedto be?
Why isn't my show getting thereal, like the views that I know
it deserves, or why am I notgetting booked the way I used to
?
Like it was a lot like dealingwith, like my boyfriend moving,
having that hard conversation asfar as like well, where are we
gonna go and are we gonnacontinue this?
(08:39):
And this is the realization ofyour life versus my life.
And just like it was just a lot, and also, too, like dealing
with my space, like I take on alot of responsibilities, not
only for myself, but for myfamily, for friends.
I take on a lot.
So like it really came to ahead and I had to have a
conversation with myself.
Like yo, we gotta come up witha plan.
(09:01):
And are you doing everything onyour plan?
Have you become complacent?
Because there is a little bitin me that, like I feel like at
the age that I am and what I'vedone in life, that I have been
coasting for a while and that'snever been me.
But I also have had the dualityof feeling like I don't know if
(09:24):
I have anymore in me to keeppushing Like little link.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Yeah, I mean so for moving.
So I am very okay with beingstill.
So I feel like that sometimestoo, where I'm like I'm not this
busy B, I need to work hard.
I need to have this and thisand this going on.
I do like things to lookforward to, but I'm okay with
being very still.
As Bree's mother says, I am thetype of I will let grass grow
up under me because I am still.
I like chilling.
(09:50):
I'm very low maintenance.
I don't get me wrong.
I don't mind having a littlebusiness for myself and whatever
, but I don't dream of labor.
I don't want to work hard.
I don't want to work hard asBeyonce.
I love that for Beyonce.
Who got Beyonce money?
I don't want to do that.
I don't.
I don't mm-mm.
Speaker 3 (10:08):
Do you ever feel like your life isn't moving as fast
as you want it to be Like?
Do you ever feel like, okay,well, but girls, what you, chill
or not, there has to besomething that you want to
achieve, right.
Do you feel like, in yourstillness, does it give you
anxiety that you're notachieving?
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Yes, and I feel guilty about it all the time.
But I also feel I know thereare people who are working their
asses off and they still don'thave enough.
And that's what makes me go,because sometimes it makes you
think are you lazy?
It's like no, I would.
I don't mind doing the work,but also, what is the reward of
it?
I still want to feel like I'mgetting what I need from doing
all this work, because I know somany people working hard and
they're still not ahead.
They're still struggling.
(10:49):
Two jobs are not enough.
Everything is just not enough.
And that makes you hesitant,where you just lose faith in why
am I getting up every day?
Why am I trying?
And then you just kind of Idon't want to say quit, but the
strength that you need to get upand do it every day it just
gets lost, cause you're justlike what is this for?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
What is the?
Speaker 2 (11:08):
reason, I'm just.
Yeah, I'm just here to get upand pay bills and wake up and do
it all over again with people.
I don't want to be aroundthings.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
I can't enjoy things I want to do People right now
going with inflation andeverything that's going on and
mental health.
I think everybody's just likeexisting at this point.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
Like what are we?
Speaker 1 (11:24):
doing.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
And also, how do you do it?
Cause formula of how it used towork.
You don't, it's not workinganymore.
So now you're like well, thisis what I know, this is what
I've always done.
When did it change?
And how do I shift with it?
And that's real talk.
What do I do?
Speaker 3 (11:36):
That was another thing about my anxiety.
So like, okay, so you all knowmy background, you all my
friends, I know my background.
Like I had no problem getting aregular job before, like I can
see my resume in.
I'd have five interviews linedup.
Because I took a different pathfor a little bit.
There's a gap in my resume thatI'm not.
I'm just kind of like did Imiss out on, like being able to
(11:58):
catch myself in my net?
And if that net is gone, whatthe fuck do I do now?
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Can you not allow that fucking resume.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
No, I mean, I mean, you know, but then just saying
like these were the thoughtsthat was coming in the skills
are still there, the skills arestill there.
Absolutely.
The skills are still there, butwhen it comes down to like
Nikki was saying about what usedto work and what doesn't work,
you know you go to a formeremployer.
They're looking at like, okay,well, your last quote unquote
real job was in 2016 and it's2021, 2023.
(12:27):
It's like what?
Speaker 1 (12:28):
have you been doing?
You think COVID happened Right.
But in the I mean.
That's the reality of the fact.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
Like for us that has freelance and have learned to
like make money other ways, itdoesn't make sense, yeah yeah,
Creators especially, we're veryconfused because the formula of
what we used to do for ourselvesit's changed.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
And it's like, how do I move with the change?
You're trying to, but also justdoesn't work for you, or you do
, and it's still not working,but it's working for somewhere
else and you're just like, well,what am I doing wrong?
What do I need to do?
And then, with social media,it's changing so much and it
seems like to be it.
It needs to be negative.
Whatever is click baits,whatever is views, whatever is
negative, whatever is get peoplerough feathers ruffle that's
(13:09):
what seems to be at the topright now.
It's not even just your art canbe good.
You just go off that.
You can't.
It has to be controversial.
You did something crazy and nowpeople are seeing your shit and
it's like.
I don't like that feelingeither.
As an artist, I don't wanna bein the tabloids that way.
I just wanna do what I do.
I don't wanna be on theheadlines for y'all to see in a
crazy way.
I don't want that.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
I don't wanna be crazy.
I don't, and it's so funnybecause, like I was talking to
Zion other day, we got into adeep conversation about how,
like women, like I don't evenwanna say good women and bad
women, I don't wanna use thoseterms but they were talking
about, like you know, women thatare strippers or whatever the
case may be, or like former hoesquote unquote Like sex workers
(13:49):
Not necessarily sex workers, but, like you know, like the Cardi
B's of the world.
Like they came up and just kindof like it was just like when
you have the woman that isworking in government or
whatever, or whatever the casemay be.
That's what I said.
It's a tricky career.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
Like career one You're coming up with, surely
one of the most iconic Career.
No, no, no, that's what I'msaying.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
It's like the duality of like whatever.
But if you're like a regularwoman, I keep using the quotes
because I don't.
It's not necessarily what Ithink.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
It's just lack of a better terms.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
I got what you're trying to say it's like women
that don't have BBLs or arenatural bodies and have like
regular jobs.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
Kind of vanilla, but not really vanilla Exactly.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
They're getting pushed aside, even though those
are good, good women, andthey're teaching younger women
that you gotta be scheming,every man is a trick and all
this stuff like that.
And, unfortunately, when welook on the TV and stuff like
that, that's all you see.
So, like, what are ourdaughters learning?
You know what I mean?
Like is the way you're gonna bemaybe go to college or not go
to college and it's like that'sa tricky.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Yeah, that's why I've been hearing why sexy reds come
up is so controversial to somepeople, because it's like even
for a darker skin woman.
You know, we have all theselighter skin women in rap that
are getting pushed, you know,here because they're lighter
skin and then if you bring outsexy, red or dark skin women,
this is what's representing us.
So it's like a controversialthing.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Comment.
I mean, yeah, it's a thing,because it's like you know, like
I'm, like, I'm scary.
Are we winning Right?
Speaker 1 (15:12):
But also, is that just for trading media, or is
that real life?
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Because I feel like in real life, social media, real
life and the Perceptions arevery different.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
I mean that's relative, because if you think
about it now, social media isreal life to people Like and
that is the relativity of it,because, like to us who have
tread the line of without socialmedia and with social media
like we're the last of stillknowing what a house phone is
you know what I mean Stillremembering what a telephone is.
(15:40):
So we still have those kind oflike memories of we can tread
both, we can be ratchet.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
We're old and we can do stuff like that.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
Like we can do that, but it's also to that there are
girls coming up.
Like these girls come up, thatsocial media is their life, it
is their life.
So it's like what's to say that?
Like, like, how do we figureout that formula?
Like, what is that formula fora quote, unquote regular girl,
you know what I mean?
(16:09):
Or a woman that is not BBL anddoesn't look like that, or
whatever the case may be, how dothey feel like they can still
win and still be loved and stillbe represented?
And those are the things thatpeople get challenged.
When you are talking toyourself in the mirror, like
that shit gets down, like Idon't know what conversations
y'all have with y'all selves,but you know, sometimes it's
(16:29):
like I know that I'm pretty, Iknow that I'm smart and stuff
like that, but I do know that ifI had all of this and a fat ass
, or a couple shades later, likeyou know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
A couple of shades later I'd be way further.
Even if porn is different, Ithink the kind of sex that's
expected in porn has changedbecause of sex work.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
Like now men just come up to you and just look at
your coochie and say squirt andit's like that's not how, that's
not true, I'm like you ain'tdone nothing to turn me over and
also, vagina Coochie just ain'tgonna just be wet cause you say
something and I know they'veseen OnlyFansGirls and we're
just squirting and peeing up astorm and they just think that's
what it is.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
So also like social media has also changed how sex
is, even just dating everythingyeah, it definitely has changed
Things like ready microwave.
Like, everything is supposed tobe Instagram application.
We all just want Instagramapplication.
Yeah, chemistry is supposed tobe there.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
The vibe is supposed to be there.
He ain't gotta do no work.
I'm supposed to be just turnedon and risked right, and music
too.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Music is huge.
Music hasn't a huge effect ondating and how men approach
women, how they see women.
And you know women are standingup and saying, I mean, it's
supposed to be these podcastscoming up and it's always.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
We can never just have healthy conversations, it's
always men against women andthe conversation of dating and
broken.
Who should pay for what?
And the roles, and I'm justlike damn why everything gotta
be a battle.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
I'm black and women against what it works for, how
it works for you.
It's not right around him.
It's not right around you.
Whatever works for you is howit works, do that.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Find somebody who's gonna believe whatever system.
If you believe that men aresupposed to pay all the bills
and that's your life and thatworks for you, do that.
There's a man out there thatwill pay all your bills, find
him, marry him and shut the fuckup.
If you believe there's a manthat's supposed to be 50, 50,
there's a girl out there, who'swith that?
Who's with that?
Do that.
It ain't me, shut up.
Speaker 3 (18:10):
But there's a girl out there for you.
I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired, but okay.
So the next question I have islike why is it so hard to let
things go, that your mind, yourbody and your soul is telling
you to let go?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Change is scary and it's easy just to be comfortable
being things that are familiarand things that we're used to.
It's like, well, I don't wannalet this go, like I'm used to it
, like I don't wanna start over,I don't wanna relearn.
This is like dating you leave apart and it's like yeah, I'm
(18:46):
tired.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
I'm sick of this motherfucker.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
We're young, we don't wanna who's your favorite color
.
What do you wanna do for?
Speaker 2 (18:51):
fun, I'm gonna do that.
Speaker 3 (18:52):
I don't wanna fucking answer those.
I don't wanna do that, we'rejust tired.
I wanna do it.
I don't wanna do it, we'retired.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
I literally had a fucking notes in my phone of
copied and like answers I'm justtalking copied from and I'm
tired of like retryping thisshield.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
I'm not telling you to make up my favorite color.
What do I have to do for fun?
I'm tired of it.
Go back, go back, go back In mynotes.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
I had notes of common questions that I get asked
during our own dating apps.
What do you like to do?
For fun, I already had one copypaste.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
Do you smoke a drink?
Speaker 1 (19:23):
I had already answers .
I was tired of answering thosequestions over and over and
having to type out paragraphsand doing the same shit.
Do you squirt?
Speaker 3 (19:29):
Don't?
I swear y'all Like we can neverhave a serious conversation
after my girlfriend.
My name is Squirt or they'reGucci.
I understand no man, I just Imean everything's old.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
You're over sexualized, you can't open
Instagram now without a girlshaking her coochie and her ass.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
I'm like God damn.
No, it's funny that you soeverything's hyper sexualized so
it's so hard to not be hornybecause everything's fucking sex
and we're just horny Right, butalso everything's sex.
Like you can't even turn on theTV without seeing sex.
Everything's sex.
Instagram my whole four youpages ass, how sway Ass.
I mean, I'm not complaining,necessarily, but like Can I see
(20:08):
something else?
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Even as a sex worker.
On my timeline I sometimesthere's just so much porn Cause
I know I'm a sex worker andobviously I do porn, I post it
too.
But I'm like sometimes I'm like, oh my God, I need to break.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
It's too much.
It's just porn, porn, porn.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Second date ass green Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt
ass ass dick dick, dick and I'mjust like oh my God, I just
wanna see.
No, I feel you on somethingelse, that's probably why I
don't wanna have kids.
I don't wanna raise my kids inthis mess.
Raise kids in this mess.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
I know I feel you on that.
Like we were talking, like Itell you, I had some
conversations this week.
I was so much I was literallyin my room that day, like under
the cover, like I think I was inmy bed under the cover for like
10 hours straight.
Like I think I got up to pee, Igot up to eat once and I was in
the bed.
We had a conversation, mypartner and I like he's moving
(20:51):
and we were talking about likehow things were gonna work, and
so I was just like his responsewas very realistic.
My response was very emotionalbecause there was things that
like I wanted him to say, eventhough he was telling me the
truth, and my brain understoodbut my heart couldn't because I
(21:12):
wasn't hearing the things that Iwanted to hear.
And so, but in turn, once youknow you sit, you know you sit
on it for a little bit, it waswhat I needed to hear.
You know what I mean.
Like because it's like onething that I can say about the
guy that I'm dating now is veryadult, like it's a very adult
relationship that I haven't beenin a while, where it's not like
(21:33):
fight or flee.
Just got to cut, like youreally got to figure some shit
out.
And one of the things that hementioned about what he wanted
in his life versus what my lifeis, he was just like I don't
like the fact that you're in thenightlife, like like I just you
know, it's like you do it.
He said I support it.
Like he's like you're anentertainer, it's what you have
to do, but it bothers me, hesaid, because in my life he's
(21:56):
like.
In my life I get up at fiveo'clock every morning, I eat
healthy, I go to the gym, I'm inbed by nine o'clock and the way
I want my life to be is notwhat you're like.
I'm not stopping you and I knowthat's what you have to do, but
how do we make that work?
You know what I mean?
Like how do we, especially nowthat we're so far away, because
now we're in a two hour no timedifference, it's like you'll be
(22:19):
out.
I can't really check on you now.
You know what I'm saying.
So it was like a lot of this andmy thing was well, yeah, that's
what I'm saying.
And my thing was like I thinkmy emotional state was I'm not
trying to do this all over againwith nobody, but I also don't
want to sacrifice what I have toachieve based on what I know my
purpose is.
So how do I figure that out?
(22:41):
So that was giving me a lot ofturmoil because it wasn't like.
The conversation was very muchlike this, this, this, but, this
, this, this, this but and Iheard the butts as no, but his
butt was like the butt.
When he explained what hisbutts were, it was more so.
The butts are, these are thethings we have to figure out.
(23:01):
Like these are big things, likethere was a couple other things
that I need to like, like theVogue, but like his butts, my
emotional state, her, his buttsis no, but my logical and
rational mind heard it.
As these are things that we haveto work on, especially now that
we are going to be in twoseparate states.
How do we work these things out?
(23:23):
Not saying that the doors close, but realistically, I know you
and you know me.
So what do we do here?
So it was a lot.
It was a lot because I had toask myself, you know, in that
state, like, am I willing tosacrifice a lot?
Because I would be asking himto sacrifice a lot too, and I
(23:47):
have been moving in life with noreal sacrifices, especially in
my relationships.
It was what I want, what I'mgoing to do, and you have to
deal with it.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
Like you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
But also, too, I've also never had anybody challenge
me in a way to actually thinkabout like, okay, I do want kids
.
You know what I mean.
I don't necessarily think thatthey were necessarily afraid of
me.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
It was just more so like I didn't care enough.
You're very, you're very.
I tell you no because likeyou're very bad at that, like
I'm, like I always say, likepeople say, I work, like how
does Casey sell so much?
Like she don't ask them whatthey want.
She tell them what they want,like why she not asking?
Speaker 3 (24:27):
I mean it's a gift, but you know what I mean like
and it put a lot of perspectivein me and had to have a
conversation with me like, yes,I want to have a family.
Yes, I want kids.
Are my actions and the thingsthat I'm doing currently is very
, very, very induces to the lifethat I'm saying that I want to
have.
You know what I mean.
So it was a lot, it was a lotto do with.
(24:47):
I was like I don't knownecessarily what the future
holds.
I don't have necessarily theanswer yet, but that was a big
conversation and that lead.
That led into okay, what elseare there holds in my life that
I have to be completely honestwith myself about, because
something right now is a block.
There's a block happeningaround me, and that goes for
(25:09):
what we're surrounding ourselveswith.
What are we doing in our sparetime?
How are we?
What conversations are wehaving when we're with the
people that we're with?
Are they enriching our minds?
Are they?
What are we talking about?
Businesses Are we talking about?
What are we talking about?
And that it really these pastcouple of days I've really been
sitting in myself.
I felt kind of crazy, but alsofelt like I was looking at me
(25:34):
Like all right, this is it.
Like this, is it because I'mnot getting any younger, you
know, I'm only getting, you know, moving.
I'm not saying that being olderwill stop my life, but I do
have to think about certain shitin this point in my life that I
didn't have to five years ago,you know.
And so, like I don't know, likehave you guys had any like hard
(25:57):
conversations you've had tohave with yourself, or did you
have to work, like have beenworking through lately?
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Yeah, I mean like we all live in LA and,
realistically, if we're gonna bereal, we are just getting by.
We don't have real money withany real assets or savings, like
you know.
So at our age, we have to thinklike, okay, how long do I wanna
be here?
What am I working towards?
Do I wanna start building?
Do I need to move somewhereelse that's a little bit cheaper
(26:22):
, cause LA is bad, expensive,it's.
I think I'm at a point where,even when I was gonna move,
before I thought about movingwith my boyfriend, I thought,
okay, so if I stay here, whatare you doing?
You're gonna get anotherapartment that's overpriced.
You're paying $40, $50,000 ayear in rent to not own anything
.
Like what do you?
You know what I mean Like, andit's which is fine, cause not
everybody's goal is a house,depending on their lifestyle,
(26:44):
cause I'm a very singular person.
I don't know if I really want ahouse, but sometimes I think,
hey, sometimes you it's notabout you you think I want a
house.
So if someone else needs aspace, I have that space to
provide for them.
So maybe I'm getting a housefor that reason, if it's not
family, or I got kids orwhatever.
So, yeah, like you really haveto sit and just think like, okay
, how long am I gonna do this?
I had fun, I've been here, sowhat am I doing now?
(27:05):
Am I doing the work?
Even though sometimes,immensely, it feels like we're
doing the work, which drains usphysically, we really didn't do
anything.
Just thinking about doingsomething is hard too, cause I'm
like I get drained just fromthinking what should I, what I
should do, cause I'm like it's alot, but I mean, or just even
ways that I am a mirror of.
Oh, maybe you could be this way, do you not?
(27:27):
Maybe you didn't know you'rethis way.
You don't mind not hearing thatyou're this way.
Maybe it's the way someone toldyou, the way you were, that
made you feel the way.
With the conversations, withhaving car conversations too,
it's just a lot.
And, of course, when someone'ssaying something to us, we never
want to hear anything about us.
That's not pleasant.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
It's always gonna make us feel salty like and and
then later we'd be like die, die, die At the time and then,
later when we sit on it.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
we'd be like I do be tripping, I guess I do.
I do Like.
Speaker 3 (27:52):
I do, I do, I do.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
Okay, I shouldn't have maybe did that.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
I mean, I guess I mean they came with good facts.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
They came with valid reasons Like they came with
valid reasons and valid points.
You do have to sit in thatspace to be like oh good, fuck,
you be like.
Well, I said no, I said I, andthen you be like why do you have
to say it like that?
Speaker 1 (28:10):
When you would have had me like that I love her.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
Why am I talking to my friend like that?
I?
Speaker 1 (28:15):
was like I don't even know.
I don't even know, fuck up,cause I love these people.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
So you just every which is good Like it's also
good to become uncomfortable,cause we can get comfortable,
and it's like no, we do have toget up, we do have to get
uncomfortable sometimes to be ina comfortable state we want to
be in, we have to learn to beuncomfortable and that's hard
too.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Yeah, I feel like that's where I'm at right now,
like I used to be this, likelike constantly going,
constantly go, gettingconstantly, you know, feeling
like I had to do something,reach a goal or whatever, and
I'm just like I'm tired.
Speaker 3 (28:45):
I just want to chill sometimes.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
So, like I moved to LA, I got, you know, got the
things that I needed.
Of course I hustled to do that,but then I was like I just want
to enjoy life a little bit.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
I want to travel a little bit.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
I want to, just I'm like tired of feeling like a
workhorse, yes, all the time.
But then now I'm at the pointlike, all right, I've had a
couple of years to chill, I alsodon't want to chill too long.
And then I look up, I'm 45, 40,45.
And we waste a time.
And I, because I use my youngenergy to be getting shit done,
and I'm like, okay, so that'swhere I'm at.
(29:15):
Now I'm like, all right,brianna, what are we doing?
Like?
What do I want to do long term?
What is the goals Like?
Speaker 2 (29:20):
hustled out now to smell the roses.
I still want to have time tosmell the roses.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
So then, when I'm older, then I can like really
chill.
Speaker 3 (29:27):
Cause.
Then he also brought up a point.
He was just like until I metyou, I told myself I would never
date an artist.
He was like it was justsomething about you.
And I was like why would you dothat?
He was like because I alwaysrun into artists.
You be at the bar, be a 50 yearold artist.
I'm like yeah, I'm an artist atthe bar at 50.
Speaker 1 (29:43):
He was like.
I mean, I was like, and it'sokay.
Speaker 3 (29:45):
He was like it's okay , it's no judgment, but it's
just like that's not what Iwould want in a wife.
So this is kind of like whatwhich I understand, and I'm not
saying that I I'm not gonna beat no bar at 50 talking about my
artist, Like shit's happening.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
But it's like Does it depend on the succession of
that artist?
Like, does it matter?
Is he speaking of someone thatI think more so is finding the
balance.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
I think it's more so finding the balance of like if
you're saying like, like, like.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
one thing that I had to say.
I was just like yes, I'm asinger, but I haven't really
been booked for anything in along time.
My main focus has been thisshow, so I have to either make a
decision on saying that this ismy job, this is what I'm gonna
pour all my energy into or keepkeeping this same sad love song
about what I thought I wassupposed to be.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
You know what I mean.
And that is all hard.
Sometimes you feel too swallowand that's all hard to swallow
you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (30:39):
It's like what is motivating you and feeding you
now?
Are you holding on to what usedto be and what?
Yeah, I used to tour, yeah, Iused to be booked, whatever.
But that shit ain't happeningright now.
It's not happening like it wasbefore and I feel like there is
a part of me that is hoping thatthat'll pick up again.
But there's also a part of methat also knows, if I have to be
(31:02):
completely honest, that, yes, Ilove to perform, but that shit
was stressful, like you knowwhat I mean.
Like I feel like I wasn't avoid.
I don't know if it was because,like I was always managing
everything or whatever, and Icouldn't necessarily truly live
in the music I was always doing.
But I also have to realize, kay, you were good at the
management stuff.
That's what made you push.
(31:24):
To be completely honest, youcan sell a cracker to a
cockroach, you definitely got toget the bag.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
I love the bag.
A cracker to a cockroach.
Speaker 3 (31:31):
You got to get the bag, but that was hard for me
Like that was really like evenjust admitted it here on, you
know, on air, as we call it.
Even admitting that out loud onair took a lot for me to do
that, maybe like not saying thatI have to put music on the back
burner, but like that's notwhat's providing for me anymore,
that's not what is soulproviding for me anymore.
(31:54):
So I can't.
I have to start walking in thefact that I produced this
motherfucker, I create thismotherfucker, I host this
motherfucker and that's it.
That's all, and that's what mylife is right now and I have to
push.
When you have something thatyou're trying to push, you have
to push it, because if you haveyour hands and you're looking
backwards, you are going to getleft in that space, that void of
(32:17):
doubt and pressure, becauseyou're not even dealing with
what's happening in front of you, you know.
So that was like yeah, like Iwas, like I was like my friends
was like well, you going to talkto me.
I was like no, I need to talkwhen I can talk in real time and
be authentic, because Icouldn't talk to nobody the last
couple of days, like I don'twant to talk to nobody.
Now I do have one more question.
Do you think that guilt ormanipulation plays in a part and
(32:42):
ending something you no longerserves you.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
Yeah, absolutely.
Women definitely go through ita lot, as far as like being
gaslit but not realizing thatthat's happening in the moment.
And just for I know, for melike being, when I'm with
(33:06):
somebody, as a natural nurturerthat them feeling, oh, I'm going
to be without you, I'm going tobe by myself, you leave me.
And when I was younger, I usedto like tuggle my heart strings,
like, oh, I'm abandoning themwhen they need me the most and,
at the same time, like youcausing me so much grief, like I
can't even I can't even reallybe honestly be for you the way I
(33:27):
need to be, because you'recausing me so much grief.
And so, but of course, looking,you know, hindsight is 2020,
you see that manipulation andpeople are only do that because
they know that that's going to.
You know, get at you or.
But I mean now it's really hardto guilt trip me Because I me
(33:52):
personally, when I am inrelationships, whether it's my
friendships or relationships Ilove so hard and I give so much
that when I decide that I'm nolonger doing it, it's cause you
had to really fuck that up.
You know, it's not like I'm justdouble dutching with it and
holding it over your head.
Oh, if you don't, if you don't,the one moment you don't make
me happy, I'm snatching it back.
I'm really giving myself.
So the moment that I say I'mdone, you can't guilt trip me in
(34:15):
that, because, baby I, it tooka lot for me to get there.
So for me I now I realized thatlike guilt doesn't affect me as
much because I know who I amand I know what I offer.
When you don't know thatnecessarily and you don't know
your power, it's easy to warp.
You know and get and warpsomeone's mind around like what
(34:37):
they're actually providing foryou or whatever.
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (34:41):
Like it's funny, because that question was more
so for me, because I realizedthat like well, I wouldn't say
that I don't know, necessarily Ido it in my friendships per se,
but I definitely was doing itin my relationships A lot of
them like definitely the guilt,definitely the manipulation and
(35:03):
not manipulation as far as likethey were manipulating you.
No, then me them.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
Really.
Speaker 1 (35:09):
Me them.
Speaker 3 (35:10):
Because it was like okay, so as a child I was a
middle child, right, and then mybrother and my sister would
always be like your mom'sfavorite, whatever, whatever.
And my mom did do a lot for methat she didn't do for, you know
, my older sister or my brotheror whatever, and I played that
part.
Like I played that part, well,I put myself I've created this,
(35:32):
this box in this.
What do you call it?
This facade?
I wouldn't call it a facadebecause I'm pretty honest and
I'm pretty truthful, but I didcreate this side that it has to
be this perfect picture.
Like I have to look a certainway, I have to do things a
certain way, I have to get thisgrade, I have to do this, I have
to be a part of this, I have tobe on this panel.
(35:52):
Like it was a lot of, I guess,trying to hide what maybe my
family wasn't as like, eventhough we live in a good
neighborhood you know what Imean Like my mom wasn't that.
You know my mom wasn't that.
My grandmother was that, my momwasn't that.
So I leaned into that rolebecause it made me easier to
(36:13):
float through life.
So I kind of used thatthroughout school and throughout
relationships.
And when it came torelationships, it was always
like, well, who are you gonnaget better than me?
I cook, I clean, I'm educated.
You can go out there and getwhatever you want, but you're
not.
You know what I mean.
Or I would hold something.
I would hold something overtheir head Like, well, I knew
they needed me for this specificthing, so when they made me mad
(36:35):
, I would take that thing away.
You know what I mean.
Like I did that, like I wasguilty of that and as far as
like the guilt was, it was verymuch of how could you leave me?
I've done all of this for you.
You know what I mean.
And it's funny cause, like youall say, I'm this kumbaya, but
like it took me a lot to get tobe kumbaya because I had to chop
up some things.
That was not right, like youknow, like even my last
(36:58):
relationship, like I know Istayed in that relationship
waiting because it wasconvenient for me.
Like it was like you're goingto do what I want you to do.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
I have some it was a pandemic too right.
Speaker 3 (37:07):
I mean it was a pandemic which was still
convenient for me.
Like you know what I mean.
Like I had a whole other place,I had you know my own things
going on, I had my friends, butit was still very much of you
know who are you going to getbetter than me?
You know I'm this, I'm that andyou know.
And then it was time to likekind of like break up you know
what I mean.
(37:27):
Like we would have broke up.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
It's really being manipulative.
I'm trying to find the way thatyou're manipulating it.
Speaker 3 (37:34):
Well, it was more so manipulating cause.
We should have broke up a longtime ago, oh okay.
We should have, we, we, we, we.
I would say we both showedsigns.
I wouldn't say he was justshowing signs, but we were both
showing signs that we weren'ttruly compatible.
But when I would do it, I knewhe would run back to me.
When he would do it, I wouldguilt him.
(37:56):
It's like, how are you going toleave me?
I did this you know what I'msaying Because of that fear,
because of that fear of you know, maybe it was a pandemic, like
I ain't trying to be out here inthese streets by myself.
You know, like, who knows youbetter than me?
You know what I mean, like, andat that time there was really
nobody that knew him better thanme.
So he, out of his fear, stayedin a situation that probably
(38:18):
wasn't.
And out of my fear, it was kindof like he was willing to stay.
No, it worked.
It worked.
I mean For George, damn it.
I mean, I don't think, I don'tnecessarily think that it was
bullying but like it wasbullying.
It was bullying, little man, itwas bullying.
Speaker 1 (38:30):
It was really little bit.
I don't think it was bullying.
Speaker 3 (38:32):
I don't think it was bullying, but I also think that,
like we definitely probablyshould have broke up before we
broke up, you know what I mean.
And I think we just bothdecided not just like, we're
just not going to try to do it.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
I mean even as the I broke up.
Speaker 3 (38:43):
You still ain't really want to let it, yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:45):
Cause you still had that like who you going to get
better than me, which I get,cause I mean you are a great
woman, cause you was doing a lotof things during the pandemic.
Speaker 3 (38:50):
Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, but that's normal.
I feel like the after the factis a normal thing.
Like you break up, you don'tknow if you're going to get back
together.
I don't think that was like ohwell, oh, I disagree, I don't
think so.
I think it was normal.
I think it was a normal.
We're going to see what happens.
And once I realized it wasn'tgoing to happen, I was like bye,
Like I'm going to call you, andI told him.
(39:11):
I said this is done, Like ifthis is going on, this is going
to be done, You'll never see meagain.
I've never seen him since.
So it's just one of thosethings.
So I mean, I mean, I mean, doyou guys have anything else to
say?
You don't know.
I'd like to leave a message,you know, to our viewers or to
your younger selves, abouthaving the hard conversations,
and so what would be the messageyou guys would leave?
Speaker 2 (39:33):
Be easy on yourself.
Don't compare yourself to otherlawns.
It's not.
The grass is not always greeneron the other side.
You know, we have no idea whatpeople are going through what
they do make.
A lot of people do have faketurf and that's okay too.
Speaker 1 (39:46):
The fake turf looks nice.
Speaker 2 (39:47):
But I mean it doesn't mean that that's your journey.
Just because it works for themdoesn't mean it works for you.
So be easy on yourself.
You know I don't feel tooenvious of what other people are
doing on their lawns because,again, the grass is not always
good on the other side.
But take note to maybe dodifferent things to figure out
what works for you, Becausethere's not only one answer,
there's many different answersto make Shit float, Okay.
Speaker 1 (40:10):
I would say it's okay to be comfortable and it's okay
to not always be moving a milea minute, but also, don't become
too complacent, because theneverything else around you will
start moving past you and youwill think that you're
(40:32):
outgrowing them and they've beenoutgrowing you you don't have
it's okay to outgrow things whenyou do.
Speaker 2 (40:39):
Yeah, definitely, things people.
But some people be like.
Speaker 1 (40:43):
DT, I'm outgrowing, but no, you actually are the one
that people don't resonate withanymore, because you are
stagnant, you're not growing,you're not developing, you're
not taking accountability andyou think everybody else is just
or also changing.
I'm like no baby, you ain'tchanged.
Yeah, you have to change.
That's the problem.
That's probably the way youneed to change.
So, you know, don't becomplacent too long Again.
(41:03):
Like I said, take that break.
Like you said, don't beatyourself up.
Take that mental health breaksand fuck that job.
Sometimes, like you know.
Speaker 3 (41:11):
I would say also to learn how to check yourself.
Yeah, Like your people thatlove you.
It's like one of those thingspeople can see what's happening
and you can't see it.
It's like can you see your facewithout looking at a mirror?
No, yeah, Like you can't, youcan't.
So I would say learn to checkyourself, because I feel like
(41:31):
you've lived in your body.
You know all your memories, youcan tell and divulge whatever
information you want to tell toother people, but you know
what's up.
So take the time to check inwith yourself and check yourself
.
Speaker 2 (41:43):
Except me, because I'm always right.
Speaker 3 (41:46):
Bad girl.
Don't check out my stuff.
Don't check out my stuff, guys.
On that note, we're gonna wrapthis up and if you guys Get this
off, and if you guys resonateanything that we were talking
about, I would definitelyespecially on this topic,
definitely, definitely, wouldlove to hear some of your
feedback.
You'll know where to find us onall platforms Like subscribe,
(42:06):
share all the good things anddon't forget to say hi or if you
need somebody to talk to you.
This is what this is all aboutto have the conversation.
You can call me.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
I know you can't call me, but you can email me though
.
No, we should do it.
We should do an episode one dayof us getting some emails or
people talking.
Read the stories.
Speaker 3 (42:25):
Like, can we talk about that after I wrap up,
bitch, this is the fuckingpodcast.
You have conversations on apodcast?
Ho, well, and that's it Like Isaid.
Speaker 1 (42:38):
y'all can send us stuff.
If you wanted to talk aboutstuff and need some advice,
Y'all can drop an email.
Speaker 3 (42:43):
She wanna do a telethon?
Y'all.
She wanna do a telethon, Likethe fuck.
I said 1-800-DESIT-DESSO.
I'll give y'all Breonna'snumber at the end of this show.
So I'mma, and that's a wrap,y'all Desi.
That's all Desit-Desso iswritten by me, kasey Carnage,
(43:04):
and produced by myself and RickBarrio-Dill.
Associate Producer Brie Corrie,assistant Producer Larissa
Donahoe, audio and VideoEngineering and Studio
Facilities provided by SlapStudios LA, with distribution
through our collective forsocial progress and cultural
expression, slap the Network.
If you have any ideas for ashow you want to hear or see,
(43:27):
please email us at info atslapthepowercom and, as always,
go to desertdassocom and sign upthere to make sure you will
never miss a thing.
See you next show.
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