July 2, 2025 • 48 mins
In this powerful episode of the Dead America Podcast, host Ed Watters sits down with Randy Pitkin, author of Restored, for a profoundly honest conversation about trauma, healing, and inner transformation. Randy opens up about his deeply painful childhood—marked by abuse, abandonment, and molestation—and how those early wounds shaped a path of rage, shame, and destructive behaviors.
Through his story, we learn how moments of clarity and support empowered Randy to seek help, confront his past, and ultimately discover peace and wholeness. He shares how shifting spiritual beliefs, embracing vulnerability, and redefining identity played key roles in his healing journey.
Randy’s testimony is more than just a personal narrative—it’s a beacon of hope for others grappling with unresolved trauma. This episode is a heartfelt reminder that no matter how broken we feel, restoration is possible. It’s a must-listen for survivors, mental health advocates, and anyone who believes in the power of resilience.
00:00 Introduction to Randy Pitkin and His Book 'Restored'
01:07 Randy's Early Life and Family Background
01:44 Trauma and Abuse in Randy's Childhood
05:30 The Impact of Trauma on Randy's Adult Life
06:35 Finding Wholeness and Peace
08:19 Randy's Spiritual Journey
12:27 Reconciliation and Final Struggles
13:12 Encouragement and Advice for Others
17:26 Reflections on Family and Personal Growth
28:16 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The whole catalyst for writingthe book is, and it's called
Restored, because everything inmy life needed to be restored.
My relationship with my wife, myrelationship with my children,
my health, uh, my soul, my, um,self-image, I mean, everything.
I had to start from scratch and
(00:54):
Today, we're speaking with Randy Pitkin.
Randy is the author of Restored.
Randy, could you please introduceyourself and let people know just a
little bit more about you, please?
Sure.
Um, I'm Randy Pitkin.
I was born and raised in New Haven,Connecticut, um, in a very typical
(01:14):
middle class conservative Jewishfamily in a very Jewish neighborhood.
Um, I had, um, excellentgrandparents, very kind, very loving.
We were very close, we sawthem several times a week.
Um, but my home, um, was verydysfunctional, there was a lot of trauma.
(01:36):
My mother was very abusive and, um, um, wecan get into, we can get into all of that.
I was molested by an older neighborhood,a male neighborhood boy when I
was twelve years old, which reallyaffected the, the rest of my life.
And the other event that affectedme as well was, few months after
(01:57):
that happened, my, my motherleft my father for an Italian man
twenty years younger than she was.
And in the early seventies, foran unmarried woman to live with a,
a man, um, was quite the scandal.
And especially in a Jewishneighborhood, you can imagine
what a, a scandal that was.
(02:18):
So I grew up with a lot ofshame because of those events.
And as I got older, my shame turnedinto rage and anger, and I became
a very, very angry, angry person.
Um, I wrote a book called Restored,which chronicles my whole, my life, my
(02:40):
upbringing, all the events that happened.
And it also discusses how Ifinally found wholeness and peace.
And offering some advice, and someinsights, and hope to others who are
dealing with either trauma, or they'vebeen molested, or they've been, uh,
abandoned, whatever the case may be.
(03:02):
Um, you know, at the beginning ofmy book, I, I include a quote that
says, People raised on love see thingsdifferently than those raised on survival.
And I did not know how true thatwas until I was a much older person.
Um, I actually, I didn't realize thatuntil I read that quote about a year
(03:22):
ago, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I mean, it really resonated withme because I was, I was not so
much raised on love, more raisedon survival, uh, from a young age.
And you know, your mother is the personwho's supposed to love you, care for you,
protect you, nurture you, all of that.
(03:44):
Um, my mother was the, the total opposite.
Very abusive woman.
And most people, they could think ofbonding moments with their, their parents.
You know, your mother, you think of,I don't know, birthdays, first day of
school, graduations, whatever it is.
Uh, for me, bonding momentswere being exposed to explicit
(04:05):
pornography by my mother when Iwas about nine, ten years old.
Um, my mother worked in a bar that hadstrippers and I was brought up there
on weekends and so here I am, ten,eleven years old, looking at strippers.
Um, my mother
would have me break windows ofbusiness associates or somebody
(04:27):
who she had a beef with.
You know, I was a little older then, youknow, seventeen, eighteen, older teenager
then.
um, my mother had faked robberiesof her home and businesses.
And one year she came to visitme, uh, in New Jersey, Atlantic
City, which is where I lived.
I moved away from Connecticutwhere I'm from, at twenty.
(04:49):
And she came down for a visit once andshe dragged me to the police, police
station with her to, uh, say we had beenrobbed, so it was another fake robbery.
So, you know, when you think of bondingmoments, these are, these are my
bonding moments, memories of my mother.
And, uh, you know, I, I'm soenvious and jealous of friends
(05:13):
that have such great parents.
Uh, my father was a great guy.
He was very kind to meand took care of me and
no complaints there.
Um, but yeah, living with my mother, uh,was very, very traumatic and stressful.
And, uh, because of these events,and the way I, I was raised, and the
(05:36):
things that happened to me as, as a,in a, at a very early age, I became
very promiscuous at a young age.
Like 14, 15, I, I becamevery, very promiscuous.
And this of course just escalated intomy later teen years and, um, adult years.
And just anecdotally, um, SimplyRed is one of my favorite groups.
(05:58):
I love Mick Hucknall, the, the singer.
And so while learning about Mick, he wasraised in a home where his mother had
abandoned the family when he was a child.
And he was a very, verypromiscuous man as well.
And one of the things that he shared that,that resonated with me was, he said that,
(06:19):
um, he felt as if he was looking for awoman's approval, um, love that he never
got from his mother, things like that.
So, you know, when I heard that I, itreally made me stop and think that I, I
think I might've been on that same path.
So the big takeaways from the book,the, the reason I, I wrote the book
(06:41):
is 'cause I really want to encouragepeople who've been, uh, abused,
molested, abandoned, um, traumatizedin one way or another to, to seek help.
Uh, I never, I never sought help.
Um, I did a podcast a little while backand one of the closing questions was,
(07:02):
What would you havetold your younger self?
And I, I said, that'sreally a great question.
And I thought about it and thenunequivocally my answer was, get help.
Uh, I wish I had sought somehelp when I was younger, um, but
that was just not on my radar.
(07:22):
The idea that, I mean, Iwouldn't even tell anybody what
happened, let alone get help.
But I would really encouragepeople, I don't care how old
or young you are, um, get help.
And that does not necessarilyneed to be a, a professional
therapist or counselor, it could be.
It could just be sharing with a,a trusted friend and confiding in
(07:42):
them with what happened to you.
Um, that was enough for meto work through my issues.
And, but there's no one size fits all.
So I just encourage people, youknow, find what works for you,
but stop ignoring your past.
Stop ignoring your traumabecause it's like a cancer
(08:04):
that's going to eat away at you.
It's going to affect your overallhealth and wellbeing and unaddressed,
eventually it'll, it'll just kill you.
Just kill you as a person.
And, um, that's what happened to me.
Um, the other thing I would share as,as, as a big overview here is that, um,
(08:25):
raised Jewish and always believed in God.
Um, when I was in my twenties, I,my wife was a Christian and I got
exposed to evangelical Christianity,and, but I, I found a very narrow
minded fundamentalist view of that.
(08:46):
Which also damaged me because it taughtme, um, an incorrect view of God.
I was taught that God only lovescertain individuals, not all, and
that some people are chosen by Godbeforehand to be His and to go to heaven.
And others are not chosen, they're justpassed over, and they're horrible people,
(09:09):
and they're just gonna end up in hell.
It was much, much later, actually, thirtyyears later, that I finally was introduced
to Eastern Orthodox Christianity, whichcome to find out has a lot in common
with Judaism, such as the fact that Godloves all without condition or exception.
(09:35):
That people are not born bad,people are, are born good, like
the Earth, Wind and Fire song,
you know, Child is born witha heart of gold, way of the
world, makes his heart so cold.
Um, but I, I come to see thatpeople are, are not born bad.
You can become bad through yourchoices, but usually it's because
(09:57):
of your environment, and whatyou're exposed to, and those very
strong influences on your behavior.
Um, the Orthodox call that ancestralsin, uh, as opposed to western theology,
be it Protestant or Catholic, they callit original sin, means you are born a
sinner and you are born with that guilt.
(10:21):
Um, you know, Jews and Orthodox neverbelieve that anybody is born guilty.
You don't become guilty untilyou actually commit a crime or
a sin in, in, in, in that case.
So very, very different.
And coming to understand these things gaveme actually a greater appreciation for
Judaism and, um, the influence of Judaismon my, my life and now my theology.
(10:46):
And, um, how Orthodox Christianity is justso different, just such a different view.
It changed my view of God, I startedto realize that God loved even me.
I used, some, I got to the point firstwhere God loves everybody but me.
And then eventually I got to thepoint where, okay, God loves me too.
And, um, it changed my view of myself,my view of God, but it also started
(11:12):
to change my view of other people.
I was becoming less criticaland judgmental of other people.
I was very harsh because, youknow, you live what you learn
and I was raised very harshly.
My mother always spoke very harshly,um, the Christianity that I was first
(11:34):
exposed to was very harsh, and, uh, Ijust adopted all those characteristics.
But I began to, as my view of Godevolved, I started changing as
well and became a much more open,tolerant, accepting, uh, individual.
(11:56):
Um, even, even when it came to peopleof other religions, you know, I, I
was taught, you know, if, if you'renot, if you're not a Christian, you
know, that's it, you're no good.
Um, that had, that's all gone now.
I mean, my views of that have justcompletely changed and we could drill
down into that if you like as well.
Um, so that's kind of how I startedout, what put me on the wrong path.
(12:22):
Um, I, I think I finally foundsome wholeness and peace.
It was last year, um, a big beef withmy sister, who I never got along with
my whole life, my sister and my mother.
She intended to hurt me and she hurtme in a good way because she opened up
a wound that I did not wanna deal withand ignored for many, many, many years.
(12:46):
And I finally said, lastsummer, That's it, you people
are not gonna hurt me anymore.
My sister, my mother, I'm done.
I'm done being hurt.
And I began to acknowledgeeverything that had happened to me.
My wife had reminded me of things thatI had totally forgotten, or suppressed,
or both, but I, I dealt with everythingand was able to find wholeness and peace.
(13:12):
And so my message to people now throughmy book and through speaking engagements
is, Whoever you are, whether you've beenabused, molested, uh, abandoned, and even
people have suffered abuse at the handsof churches, pastors, priests, whatever it
is, you know, to help them to work throughtheir trauma, to begin to embrace, um, a
(13:39):
different view of God, and to also realizethat God has given everybody free will.
God did not do this to me, somebodydid this to me of their own free will.
But God is there offering hope, andgrace, and comfort, and peace, and,
um, and I believe that's availableto people outside of Christianity.
(14:03):
I know that's heresy to some people,but that's what I believe now.
So, you know, that overall, that's,generally speaking, that's basically,
you know, the long and the short of it.
There, there are a lot of details inbetween, but, um, yeah, so that's,
that's kinda where I'm at now.
Well, Randy, that's a good, well-roundedexplanation of who and what you
(14:26):
are, what you've dealt with in life.
Uh, I ran across, in your bio, aquote, From brokenness and trauma to
wholeness and peace, that is a journey.
And when we come from brokenbackgrounds, it is one of those
things that can devastate us.
(14:48):
And it, it was, I was fifty untilI started really getting it,
understanding why I was broken.
And that's from those deep divesinto the darkness that I came from.
I, I can, I can see a lot ofparallels between our lives.
(15:13):
My, my family was notalways a good family.
I love my family, youknow, they're my family.
However, we went through some dark times.
We did some things that most peoplewould just be, beyond shocked about.
(15:35):
And my, my mother was a very bigwoman, and she was very bold, and she
wasn't afraid to put things out there.
And my mother and father were divorced,we came from some poor beginnings.
(16:01):
So this brokenness that you talk aboutbeing restored from, it is very possible.
And I really wanna highlight that,that that is the takeaway from
today, no matter who you are, whatbackground you come from, where all
kind of broken in the beginning.
(16:23):
And, and we're, we're thrustinto this world of harshness.
And I, I can tell you, there's not onebaby that I've ever witnessed being evil.
And it's, it, it all comes from whatyou explained, that trauma and that
(16:46):
shame and guilt that we experience.
And I've noticed it's not necessarilyfrom ourselves necessarily, it's from
the people around us a lot of the times.
So let, let's get into thegranularity of it now, Randy.
(17:07):
What, what was that moment, thattime you said, I'm not gonna let this
happen to me anymore, and I'm not goingto let you people break me anymore.
What was that moment in time like for you?
Okay.
Um, if I can, let me back up aminute and just give a little, a
(17:30):
little more context to it so peopleunderstand what we're dealing with.
Um, you know, my mother exposed meto pornography at nine years old.
She, um, worked at a bar thathad strippers and I was watching
strippers at ten years old.
And you know, my mother wouldhave me, as an older teenager now,
(17:51):
she would have me break windowsof people she was angry with.
My mother faked robberiesof her home and businesses.
She, uh, I left Connecticutand moved to Atlantic City.
She came there and staged a robbery whileshe was in Atlantic City, had me go to
the police station with her and say thatwe had just been robbed at gunpoint.
(18:11):
So, you know, when people think of bondingmoments with their mother, as, you know,
birthdays, or Christmas, or whatever,
you know, these, these were mybonding moments with my mother.
These are, these are mymemories and experiences.
So my mother was a veryharsh, um, cruel person.
(18:34):
She, uh, was, could be very, very unkind.
I was abused, I was beaten, I wasscreamed at, all this kind of thing.
When my mother, my mother left me andmy father, I was twelve years old.
And again, I'm, I'm from a, a middleclass conservative Jewish family
in a very Jewish neighborhood.
(18:54):
For, um, a woman, you know, for mymother to leave our home and move
in with a man about twenty yearsyounger than her, in the early
seventies, this was quite a scandal.
Um, so we were the talkof the neighborhood,
of course, I felt a lotof shame because of that.
(19:14):
Shortly after that I was molested byan older neighborhood boy, which added
more shame, um, and trauma to me.
And this, this is who my mother was.
My sister was cut from the samecloth, very mean, very mean-spirited,
very sharp tongue, and all of that.
(19:37):
So my mother, when I was, um, my first,first abandonment was when I was twelve.
And she left me and my father,did not ask me to come with her,
didn't want me, took my sister.
When I was twenty-five, my mother, um,had a falling out with the whole family.
(19:58):
My, my uncle, who's her brother, mygrandmother, who's her mother, and
me, she stopped talking to all of us.
She wanted money and sheasked me to co-sign a loan.
And I refused to do it because I hadjust gotten married and didn't wanna
jeopardize my future credit and I knew mymother had never paid a bill in her life.
(20:18):
Um, my uncle would not give herany more money and her mother
would not give her any more money.
Um, some of the robberies, I foundout, I just found this out last year,
some of the robberies that happenedfifty years ago, um, my mother needed
the money to give to her Italian loverthat she, she left us to go live with.
She faked robberies, and money, youknow, some for insurance, went to him.
(20:43):
Some things were actually stolen and sold,and that money went to, to him as well.
So this, this was my family,this is what I came from.
And
again, when I was twenty-five,she stopped talking to all of us.
She didn't talk, she, my grandmother diedwith my mother never reconciling with her.
(21:06):
My mother never reconciled with myuncle, I was the one who reached out
after twenty years to try to reconcile.
And there, there was a reconciliation,but it was very superficial.
My mother has, had never met mychildren, never even inquired what their
names or birthdays were or anything.
Nothing.
(21:27):
Um, I never asked for an apology oran explanation for things that she had
done to me, uh, when I was a, when Iwas a kid, I just, I just let it go.
I let her off the hook.
Well, last year, this brings us up tolast year and what the, the catalyst was.
(21:52):
Last year, my, I'm in thehospital, I had very serious health
problems that started in 2018.
Um, I had emergency surgery,um, I had my, abdomen, uh, my
stomach basically ruptured.
I had to have my stomach removed.
There were all kinds of complications.
I was in the hospital for six weeksand almost died several times.
(22:15):
And since then I've had complications,uh, I've been hospitalized twenty times
in, in the last, you know, since 2018.
Well, last summer, I'm in thehospital again, this is in July,
and my sister sends me a scathingmessage that, um, You'd never come
(22:35):
up to Connecticut to see your mother.
You know, you don't careabout anybody but yourself.
You're, you know, you're, you're,you're selfish, you're this,
you're that, all that kind stuff.
So, you know, it was really kindof hurtful to hear all these
things, but not surprising becauseshe was always harsh towards me.
She's older than me, she'sthree years older than me.
(22:57):
Um, I was very upset by the whole thing,I started crying, I'm in the hospital,
my daughter's with me consoling me.
And when I got home from the hospital,my wife started reminding me of
things that I had actually forgotten.
That they wanted nothing to do with me,I was the one that reached out to them
after twenty years.
(23:19):
I started piecing things back togetherthat were just all disconnected
from my childhood and my life.
And
what happened was, I, I, I justhad this resolve within me now.
It's like, You know what?
I am not gonna let thesepeople harm me again.
(23:42):
Oh, here's another little story.
I left Connecticut andmoved to New Jersey.
I would go up to Connecticut veryoften to visit my grandmother,
'cause my grandmother was alone.
One, one day my grandmothercomes home from going to the
(24:02):
market, buying some groceries.
A man approaches her in herdriveway, beats the hell out of her.
She had a very large diamond ringon her finger from her husband,
my grandfather.
The man broke her finger getting thering off her finger, punched her, she
(24:23):
was black and blue, she looked likeshe had been in a, a boxing match.
And he told her, If you look at me goodenough to see who I am, I will kill you.
Now, two things about this.
One, there's no doubt in mymind or my uncle's mind that
my mother was behind this.
Because my mother was always inneed of money, my mother was always
(24:45):
committing or faking robberies orsome, something of that nature.
No doubt in my mind my mother hadthis done and there's no doubt in my
mind as to who did it because I knewthe people that she associated with.
Um, at this point, she had anotherlover, another Italian man, and
(25:06):
he had a hoodlum nephew that Iknew, uh, I was introduced to.
And I knew him and there's no questionin my mind he was the one who did it.
So this is my family, this ismy mother, this is my sister.
Um, I'm as different from my sisterand my uncle is as different from
(25:26):
my mother as Cain was from Abel.
Just total opposites.
When this happened, again, I,I, I, the resolve kicked in.
That's it, I'm done.
You're never gonna hurt me again.
I dealt with everything thatI had been through in the past
that I ignored, suppressed.
(25:47):
Uh, I forgot about the thingwith my grandmother, I forgot
that I was the one who tried toreconcile, I forgot all this stuff.
And my wife had reminded me,and my uncle had reminded me.
And working through all of it, I wasfinally able to have peace about it.
Because part of my message inthe book and my message to people
(26:08):
is, you are not the monster here.
You are a victim.
And, um, I finally came to,to recognize that, and deal
with that, and move past it.
Um, but
the things that my family, specificallymy mother had done throughout her
(26:31):
life, towards me, towards my father,towards her mother, towards other
people are just, they're atrocious.
I mean, just atrocious.
Now, the last anecdote I'll share withyou about it and then, you know, we'll,
I'll let you drive, drive this ship, um,I wrote, started writing the book in July.
(26:51):
The book was published last September.
I get, my father died when I was 18.
Um,
I get a message from a friend ofmine on Facebook who was a friend
I've known for over fifty years.
She offers me condolences about my mother.
(27:13):
Now to not make her feel uncomfortableor like she said something that
she shouldn't have said, I justsaid, thank you, I appreciate that.
And I was like, What the hell is this?
Like, my mother died?
So I try to find obituary, youknow, Googling this, that, and the
(27:33):
other thing, I can't find anything.
So after about five days, I calledthe county coroner, confirmed
some information with her.
And come to find out, mymother died last October.
My sister told no one, okay?
She hates me, right?
So she didn't tell me.
(27:54):
She has, she has no beef with myaunt and uncle, she didn't tell them.
She told no one.
So again, just to, toreiterate, this is my family.
This is what I come from.
Um, I am not the only person thathas had a horrible family, you know?
(28:16):
Um, but again, the whole catalystfor writing the book is, and it's
called Restored because everythingin my life needed to be restored.
My relationship with my wife, myrelationship with my children,
my health, uh, my soul, my,
(28:36):
my, um, self-image.
I mean, everything.
I had to start from scratch andrebuild, realizing that it's not me.
You know, I, I,
I was the victim here.
And, um, it's important thatpeople know who've had, you
know, really crappy upbringingsor families or things like that.
(29:01):
Um, you can either follow theirexample and become like them or not.
I chose to not become like them, butI was carrying out, I was carrying
around damage and trauma that wasunhealed for many, many years.
(29:21):
And I always, I, you know, there's thisexpression, Hurt people, hurt people.
So I ended up hurting my wife andmy children and, and other people
as well because, um, I was hurt.
So it, it was a very long, difficult road.
There's a lot more to it.
There's a lot that happened between me andmy wife and uh, my health issues and all.
(29:43):
But it's basically a story ofovercoming tremendous obstacles,
tremendous disadvantages.
You know, from the start beingset on a wrong path so young.
Um, but there's a happy ending andI try to offer people encouragement,
(30:04):
hope, insights, some practicalsteps to help yourself to become a
better self, and things like that.
So that's my goal, is that otherpeople themselves will become
restored and find wholeness and peace.
Because you and I both knowthere's, there's no shortage of
hurting people in the world today.
(30:25):
That is for sure, Randy.
You know, I, I like to always sayI have this muddy shoe life theory
and it really is the key to success.
Life is like a muddy shoegoing down a muddy path.
(30:50):
And the mud that we're walking in,in that shoe is the people, the
places, and things in our life.
And if you've walked a muddypath, you know that mud collects
and your shoes can get so heavy.
Enough where it wearsyou out, tires you out.
(31:15):
Take some time and scrapethe mud off of your shoe.
Find a rock or a stick and scrape it off.
This is the people, the places, andthe things that hurt us or destroy us.
These things are not healthy for us.
The good mud, it will stay with us in thetread of your shoe and keep going with us.
(31:42):
But we don't have to packall that mud with us.
And the secret to a healthy, happylife is truly what we just talked
about there, wiping that mud off.
Getting those people out of our lifethat are harming us, doing those
things that are not good for us.
(32:05):
And this is really key to success.
What, what's your thought on that, Randy?
Well, I mean, is that your analogy?
I mean, that was really excellent.
Yes.
Wow, that was fantastic.
I love that.
Thank you.
I'm gonna steal that.
Do, do, I, I like to share that.
(32:27):
It, very well put, uh, Ed, very well put.
Um, but you reminded me of somethingthat I also reiterate several times in
the book, and that is you do not needanybody's permission to cut out of your
life anything or anyone that is harmingyou or not adding value to your life
(32:49):
and helping you become a better person.
And you don't, you don't need anybody'spermission to, to get rid of that.
And, um, you know, I know a lotof people find that hard to do.
They, they, they, they, for what,whatever reason, they feel guilty,
they feel bad, you know, oh,what's gonna happen to this person?
Well, if that's what your thoughtis, actually, that's your pride.
(33:12):
Because you're thinking what's gonnahappen to this person without me?
So, you know, examine that a little bit.
Take a look at yourself, sometimesthat's our pride saying that.
Um, but put that aside.
Because you know what?
It's, everybody in thisworld is not your problem.
You, you, you, your first priorityis yourself, your spouse, your
(33:35):
children, you know, whatever it is.
But it's, it's like concentriccircles that go out from there.
So somebody who's just anacquaintance at best, bye.
You know, you don't, you don'towe these people anything.
You don't.
You owe yourself and youowe those closest to you.
Yeah.
(33:55):
You know, and people willallow people to hurt them.
And it's that Stockholmsyndrome thing where we get
comfortable with those people.
And, you know, our, our life isours after the age of eighteen.
There is no one incontrol of you, but you.
(34:18):
And those people, those places,and things, we get attached to
because those people told us,Well, you have to feel this way.
And that's subconscious.
It's like the crabs in the bucketsyndrome, and you can look that up, where
(34:39):
if somebody tries to crawl out of thatbucket, the others are gonna pull you
back in and even destroy you at times.
So it's very interesting.
If we take the time to educate ourselfabout what happened in our life, because
(35:03):
you, you even stated it, your wifehad to remind you of some things, your
uncle had to remind you of things.
That's because we shut that valveoff and we don't wanna remember it.
But remembering those, yes,remembering those dark things
(35:23):
is actually the key to success.
It really is, it really is.
It's, it's like a cancer, you know?
I mean, you can't ignore it.
You, sooner or later it'sgonna affect your entire body
if unchecked and kill you.
You, you have to deal with it, you haveto cut it out, you have to remove it.
(35:45):
And that process may be painful,but you're gonna come out healthy.
You know, you're gonna findwholeness and peace on the other end.
And if I could say one thing, 'causeyou mentioned Stockholm Syndrome and you
reminded me of something really importantthat I would like to share with people
who, who have been abused, molested,suffered trauma, or whatever it is.
(36:06):
Um, shortly after I released the book, uh,maybe three days after, a panic set in.
A panic and I felt like,what have I just done?
I've just outed my mother.
I've just, I've just told everybody thesecrets, every, that my mother did to me.
(36:30):
And I contacted a friend of minewho's a, who's a therapist, and
I said, You know, what is this?
Is this a normal thing?
He said, people like yourself,this is a very normal thing.
And, um, I worked throughit after a couple days.
But it's important to, to say, to mentionto people that you, you defend, I, I
(36:52):
kept my mother's secrets for fifty yearsand you begin to defend your abusers
and you do it for so long, you don'teven realize you're doing it anymore.
It's just, it's just second nature.
And when you, when you, uh, go in adifferent direction and you finally
(37:13):
expose it, what happened to me was,like I said, this panic set in,
oh my God, what have I just done?
But I worked through it and realized,wait a minute, I'm telling the
story, but she's the monster, not me.
You know?
Um, it's very important for peoplewho've had similar experiences and again,
(37:37):
that Stockholm syndrome kind of thing.
I now know what that feels like.
I mean, I never experienced that.
It was an emotion I neverexperienced in my life, ever.
So, uh, and it was unexpected, Ed.
It was a very, yeah,but I never expected it.
I didn't know that I was gonnafeel like this, you know?
(37:58):
So it, it was really, it wasreally something to go through
that and work through that.
So I share that, hoping that that mightresonate with people out there who've
had similar experiences, um, becausewe're finding out that many more people
than we've ever realized have been,um, abused, molested, uh, whatever.
(38:20):
I mean, you know, a lot of people have hadhorrible experiences in their childhoods.
Um, and it happens to boys and girls,it's not just one or the other.
It happens to all people,all kinds of people.
Um, did I, did I, yeah.
Forgive me.
Did I mention, uh, I did.
Nevermind, I did mention itabout my mother passing away.
(38:41):
Okay.
I remember that.
You know, and, and, and you know,Randy, with that, you know, you,
you had that shame and guilt forouting your mother, but wasn't
that after she had already passed?
No, she was still, she was stillalive when the book came out.
(39:02):
It was before, it was before, yeah.
Oh, interesting.
It was right after the bookcame out, but she was alive.
But here's the thing, um, andthis was unexpected as well.
When I found out my mother died, this,I've read the thing, I'm standing,
I'm standing at a, at this likecoffee house where I go to, and I'm
(39:24):
standing at the, at the counter.
I look at the message and I just saidto the girl who works there behind
the counter who I'm friendly with,I just went, Oh, my mother died.
Just like that.
I had, I felt nothing.
Nothing.
Um, I spoke to my uncle and Iasked, I told him what happened.
I said, I didn't feel anything.
(39:45):
He said, I didn't feel anything either.
So I contacted a friend of mine, thetherapist, and I said, Is this normal?
I said, I felt absolutely nothing.
He said two things.
He said, one, your mother hadbroken the bonds of familial
love with you so long ago,
(40:07):
so many times and had pushed you awayand wanted nothing to do with you for so
long that there was just nothing left.
You know, I did not know how I wouldrespond hearing that my mother had died.
It was not the reactionthat I thought I would have.
(40:31):
And then when I did have that reaction,Ed, I was like, Something wrong with me?
Am I, am I a psychopath here?
I mean, you know, what is this?
So I, you know, I had to speak to somebodyand say, Well, you know, is this normal?
And he explained to me, for somepeople, um, and with my circumstances,
this is perfectly normal.
And the same thing with my uncle.
(40:51):
My mother had pushed him away,
she hadn't spoken to him forclose to forty years, wanted
nothing to do with him.
There was nothing left,there's just nothing left.
So it was, it was, again, anunexpected emotion or lack of emotion.
And I share, again, I share thatbecause, um, for anybody else out there
(41:13):
that may have experienced that, uh,I'm, I'm thinking of going through my
book and maybe doing a second editionand including these things that
happened after the book had come out.
Because I want, I want thesethings to resonate with people
who've had similar experiences.
(41:33):
I want them to know that these arenormal feelings or emotions or lack
of feelings, if that be the case,depending upon what happened to you.
This may be perfectly normaland you need to know that.
Um, so I want people to know that,and that's why I'm doing this show.
That's why we're talking about it now.
(41:55):
I want to encourage people who are,um, victims of different things to
let them know that you're not themonster, you're not the bad guy.
And not only that, but to go beyond that,to bring them to a place of, of wholeness,
healing, and being restored themselves.
That's, that's, the whole point.
(42:16):
I mean, I didn't write thisbook to make a lot of money.
Uh, I wrote it because I, I real,that's my real motivation, I
really wanna help other peoplewho've been through similar things.
Well, also it's self motivationalwhen we get behind the pen or the
microphone and we share our story.
(42:38):
You know, it's self-healing.
This is therapy.
I found out big time that it hashelped me recover and actually
pinpoint some of those darksecrets that I shut off in my life.
So when, when we get on the micand share, or we write books and
(43:01):
we share these experiences, it'sreally part of that trauma release.
And it, it really empowers us because weovercome and we decide, no, we're going
to push forward with a new beginning.
This is so helpful forother trauma victims.
(43:25):
It, it doesn't matter what typeof trauma we go through, a lot of
it is sexual, but there's mentaltrauma, there's physical trauma, and,
and it all happens and breaks us.
What we're doing, Randy,is helping heal people.
And that's why I startedthe Dead America Podcast.
(43:48):
I was broken and I am well on myway to recovery and restoration,
but it's a never ending process.
So that second book, the thirdbook, it's part of our healing.
And it not only is healing, it'sbridge building for those people
(44:12):
suffering trauma now that they'retrying to get over that chasm.
Randy, I, I have had a wonderful,uh, episode here with you,
I think we've covered a lot.
Is there anything else that youwanna add before we conclude?
(44:35):
I would just say, you know, Idid a podcast last week and the
interviewer asked me a question,um, I really wasn't prepared for.
She said, What would youtell your younger self?
And I said, What a great question.
And I pondered it for a second, and thenunequivocally my answer was, Get help.
(44:56):
Um, I never told anybodywhat happened to me.
And because of that, a lot of it hadto do with the era that I grew up in.
You know, I grew up in the sixties.
My dad was a Marine and you know, youdidn't talk about emotional stuff.
That's just the way itwas back then and for me.
But we live in a different world now,
(45:16):
uh, people are more in touch with theirfeelings and emotions and all of that.
And I would just encourageanybody, um, get help.
Uh, whether it's professional help,confiding in a trusted friend, whatever,
you know, you don't have to go throughthis alone or feel this way anymore.
There's help there.
Um, and if I can be restored, I suffered,you know, sexual trauma, emotional trauma,
(45:42):
physical trauma, I mean, you name it.
And at the hands of somebodywho's supposed to protect you,
love you, and nurture you.
Um, I, I worked through it, I foundhealing, I found wholeness and peace.
And there's hope out there for,for, for, for everyone really.
And I just wanna be an encourager,um, and an inspiration to other
(46:05):
people to help them on their journey.
That's awesome, Randy.
Could you let people know how to getthe book and how to connect with you?
Sure.
Um, they can easilyget the book on Amazon.
It's, it's available all overthe place, but that's the easiest
place to get it, on Amazon.
(46:27):
Um, just look up my name, Randy Pitkin.
And it's Restored From Brokennessand Trauma to Wholeness and Peace.
And, uh, it's availablein ebook, um, print.
And, uh, on Google, they also have an,there's an audiobook available on Google
Play if they want, uh, the audiobook.
Um, as far as connectingwith me, uh, right now I just
(46:52):
started a YouTube channel.
I have a Facebook page and I also havean Instagram, just RandyPitkin@Instagram
and Randy Pitkin on Facebook.
And I have a business pagethere dedicated to the book.
So that's, you know,reach out if you want.
And if you have questions, ask questions.
I'd be happy to answer any questions.
I'm available for anyone.
(47:14):
Randy, it's been a good conversationtoday with you and I thank you for
participating on the podcast today.
Thank you, Ed.
I appreciate being here and, uh,I enjoyed it very much as well.
Thank you for having me.
Thank you for joining us today.
If you found this podcast enlightening,entertaining, educational in any way,
(47:39):
please share, like, subscribe, and joinus right back here next week for another
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.
I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoyyour afternoon wherever you might be.
The whole catalyst for writingthe book is, and it's called
Restored, because everything inmy life needed to be restored.
My relationship with my wife, myrelationship with my children,
my health, uh, my soul, my, um,self-image, I mean, everything.
I had to start from scratch and
(00:54):
Today, we're speaking with Randy Pitkin.
Randy is the author of Restored.
Randy, could you please introduceyourself and let people know just a
little bit more about you, please?
Sure.
Um, I'm Randy Pitkin.
I was born and raised in New Haven,Connecticut, um, in a very typical
(01:14):
middle class conservative Jewishfamily in a very Jewish neighborhood.
Um, I had, um, excellentgrandparents, very kind, very loving.
We were very close, we sawthem several times a week.
Um, but my home, um, was verydysfunctional, there was a lot of trauma.
(01:36):
My mother was very abusive and, um, um, wecan get into, we can get into all of that.
I was molested by an older neighborhood,a male neighborhood boy when I
was twelve years old, which reallyaffected the, the rest of my life.
And the other event that affectedme as well was, few months after
(01:57):
that happened, my, my motherleft my father for an Italian man
twenty years younger than she was.
And in the early seventies, foran unmarried woman to live with a,
a man, um, was quite the scandal.
And especially in a Jewishneighborhood, you can imagine
what a, a scandal that was.
(02:18):
So I grew up with a lot ofshame because of those events.
And as I got older, my shame turnedinto rage and anger, and I became
a very, very angry, angry person.
Um, I wrote a book called Restored,which chronicles my whole, my life, my
(02:40):
upbringing, all the events that happened.
And it also discusses how Ifinally found wholeness and peace.
And offering some advice, and someinsights, and hope to others who are
dealing with either trauma, or they'vebeen molested, or they've been, uh,
abandoned, whatever the case may be.
(03:02):
Um, you know, at the beginning ofmy book, I, I include a quote that
says, People raised on love see thingsdifferently than those raised on survival.
And I did not know how true thatwas until I was a much older person.
Um, I actually, I didn't realize thatuntil I read that quote about a year
(03:22):
ago, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I mean, it really resonated withme because I was, I was not so
much raised on love, more raisedon survival, uh, from a young age.
And you know, your mother is the personwho's supposed to love you, care for you,
protect you, nurture you, all of that.
(03:44):
Um, my mother was the, the total opposite.
Very abusive woman.
And most people, they could think ofbonding moments with their, their parents.
You know, your mother, you think of,I don't know, birthdays, first day of
school, graduations, whatever it is.
Uh, for me, bonding momentswere being exposed to explicit
(04:05):
pornography by my mother when Iwas about nine, ten years old.
Um, my mother worked in a bar that hadstrippers and I was brought up there
on weekends and so here I am, ten,eleven years old, looking at strippers.
Um, my mother
would have me break windows ofbusiness associates or somebody
(04:27):
who she had a beef with.
You know, I was a little older then, youknow, seventeen, eighteen, older teenager
then.
um, my mother had faked robberiesof her home and businesses.
And one year she came to visitme, uh, in New Jersey, Atlantic
City, which is where I lived.
I moved away from Connecticutwhere I'm from, at twenty.
(04:49):
And she came down for a visit once andshe dragged me to the police, police
station with her to, uh, say we had beenrobbed, so it was another fake robbery.
So, you know, when you think of bondingmoments, these are, these are my
bonding moments, memories of my mother.
And, uh, you know, I, I'm soenvious and jealous of friends
(05:13):
that have such great parents.
Uh, my father was a great guy.
He was very kind to meand took care of me and
no complaints there.
Um, but yeah, living with my mother, uh,was very, very traumatic and stressful.
And, uh, because of these events,and the way I, I was raised, and the
(05:36):
things that happened to me as, as a,in a, at a very early age, I became
very promiscuous at a young age.
Like 14, 15, I, I becamevery, very promiscuous.
And this of course just escalated intomy later teen years and, um, adult years.
And just anecdotally, um, SimplyRed is one of my favorite groups.
(05:58):
I love Mick Hucknall, the, the singer.
And so while learning about Mick, he wasraised in a home where his mother had
abandoned the family when he was a child.
And he was a very, verypromiscuous man as well.
And one of the things that he shared that,that resonated with me was, he said that,
(06:19):
um, he felt as if he was looking for awoman's approval, um, love that he never
got from his mother, things like that.
So, you know, when I heard that I, itreally made me stop and think that I, I
think I might've been on that same path.
So the big takeaways from the book,the, the reason I, I wrote the book
(06:41):
is 'cause I really want to encouragepeople who've been, uh, abused,
molested, abandoned, um, traumatizedin one way or another to, to seek help.
Uh, I never, I never sought help.
Um, I did a podcast a little while backand one of the closing questions was,
(07:02):
What would you havetold your younger self?
And I, I said, that'sreally a great question.
And I thought about it and thenunequivocally my answer was, get help.
Uh, I wish I had sought somehelp when I was younger, um, but
that was just not on my radar.
(07:22):
The idea that, I mean, Iwouldn't even tell anybody what
happened, let alone get help.
But I would really encouragepeople, I don't care how old
or young you are, um, get help.
And that does not necessarilyneed to be a, a professional
therapist or counselor, it could be.
It could just be sharing with a,a trusted friend and confiding in
(07:42):
them with what happened to you.
Um, that was enough for meto work through my issues.
And, but there's no one size fits all.
So I just encourage people, youknow, find what works for you,
but stop ignoring your past.
Stop ignoring your traumabecause it's like a cancer
(08:04):
that's going to eat away at you.
It's going to affect your overallhealth and wellbeing and unaddressed,
eventually it'll, it'll just kill you.
Just kill you as a person.
And, um, that's what happened to me.
Um, the other thing I would share as,as, as a big overview here is that, um,
(08:25):
raised Jewish and always believed in God.
Um, when I was in my twenties, I,my wife was a Christian and I got
exposed to evangelical Christianity,and, but I, I found a very narrow
minded fundamentalist view of that.
(08:46):
Which also damaged me because it taughtme, um, an incorrect view of God.
I was taught that God only lovescertain individuals, not all, and
that some people are chosen by Godbeforehand to be His and to go to heaven.
And others are not chosen, they're justpassed over, and they're horrible people,
(09:09):
and they're just gonna end up in hell.
It was much, much later, actually, thirtyyears later, that I finally was introduced
to Eastern Orthodox Christianity, whichcome to find out has a lot in common
with Judaism, such as the fact that Godloves all without condition or exception.
(09:35):
That people are not born bad,people are, are born good, like
the Earth, Wind and Fire song,
you know, Child is born witha heart of gold, way of the
world, makes his heart so cold.
Um, but I, I come to see thatpeople are, are not born bad.
You can become bad through yourchoices, but usually it's because
(09:57):
of your environment, and whatyou're exposed to, and those very
strong influences on your behavior.
Um, the Orthodox call that ancestralsin, uh, as opposed to western theology,
be it Protestant or Catholic, they callit original sin, means you are born a
sinner and you are born with that guilt.
(10:21):
Um, you know, Jews and Orthodox neverbelieve that anybody is born guilty.
You don't become guilty untilyou actually commit a crime or
a sin in, in, in, in that case.
So very, very different.
And coming to understand these things gaveme actually a greater appreciation for
Judaism and, um, the influence of Judaismon my, my life and now my theology.
(10:46):
And, um, how Orthodox Christianity is justso different, just such a different view.
It changed my view of God, I startedto realize that God loved even me.
I used, some, I got to the point firstwhere God loves everybody but me.
And then eventually I got to thepoint where, okay, God loves me too.
And, um, it changed my view of myself,my view of God, but it also started
(11:12):
to change my view of other people.
I was becoming less criticaland judgmental of other people.
I was very harsh because, youknow, you live what you learn
and I was raised very harshly.
My mother always spoke very harshly,um, the Christianity that I was first
(11:34):
exposed to was very harsh, and, uh, Ijust adopted all those characteristics.
But I began to, as my view of Godevolved, I started changing as
well and became a much more open,tolerant, accepting, uh, individual.
(11:56):
Um, even, even when it came to peopleof other religions, you know, I, I
was taught, you know, if, if you'renot, if you're not a Christian, you
know, that's it, you're no good.
Um, that had, that's all gone now.
I mean, my views of that have justcompletely changed and we could drill
down into that if you like as well.
Um, so that's kind of how I startedout, what put me on the wrong path.
(12:22):
Um, I, I think I finally foundsome wholeness and peace.
It was last year, um, a big beef withmy sister, who I never got along with
my whole life, my sister and my mother.
She intended to hurt me and she hurtme in a good way because she opened up
a wound that I did not wanna deal withand ignored for many, many, many years.
(12:46):
And I finally said, lastsummer, That's it, you people
are not gonna hurt me anymore.
My sister, my mother, I'm done.
I'm done being hurt.
And I began to acknowledgeeverything that had happened to me.
My wife had reminded me of things thatI had totally forgotten, or suppressed,
or both, but I, I dealt with everythingand was able to find wholeness and peace.
(13:12):
And so my message to people now throughmy book and through speaking engagements
is, Whoever you are, whether you've beenabused, molested, uh, abandoned, and even
people have suffered abuse at the handsof churches, pastors, priests, whatever it
is, you know, to help them to work throughtheir trauma, to begin to embrace, um, a
(13:39):
different view of God, and to also realizethat God has given everybody free will.
God did not do this to me, somebodydid this to me of their own free will.
But God is there offering hope, andgrace, and comfort, and peace, and,
um, and I believe that's availableto people outside of Christianity.
(14:03):
I know that's heresy to some people,but that's what I believe now.
So, you know, that overall, that's,generally speaking, that's basically,
you know, the long and the short of it.
There, there are a lot of details inbetween, but, um, yeah, so that's,
that's kinda where I'm at now.
Well, Randy, that's a good, well-roundedexplanation of who and what you
(14:26):
are, what you've dealt with in life.
Uh, I ran across, in your bio, aquote, From brokenness and trauma to
wholeness and peace, that is a journey.
And when we come from brokenbackgrounds, it is one of those
things that can devastate us.
(14:48):
And it, it was, I was fifty untilI started really getting it,
understanding why I was broken.
And that's from those deep divesinto the darkness that I came from.
I, I can, I can see a lot ofparallels between our lives.
(15:13):
My, my family was notalways a good family.
I love my family, youknow, they're my family.
However, we went through some dark times.
We did some things that most peoplewould just be, beyond shocked about.
(15:35):
And my, my mother was a very bigwoman, and she was very bold, and she
wasn't afraid to put things out there.
And my mother and father were divorced,we came from some poor beginnings.
(16:01):
So this brokenness that you talk aboutbeing restored from, it is very possible.
And I really wanna highlight that,that that is the takeaway from
today, no matter who you are, whatbackground you come from, where all
kind of broken in the beginning.
(16:23):
And, and we're, we're thrustinto this world of harshness.
And I, I can tell you, there's not onebaby that I've ever witnessed being evil.
And it's, it, it all comes from whatyou explained, that trauma and that
(16:46):
shame and guilt that we experience.
And I've noticed it's not necessarilyfrom ourselves necessarily, it's from
the people around us a lot of the times.
So let, let's get into thegranularity of it now, Randy.
(17:07):
What, what was that moment, thattime you said, I'm not gonna let this
happen to me anymore, and I'm not goingto let you people break me anymore.
What was that moment in time like for you?
Okay.
Um, if I can, let me back up aminute and just give a little, a
(17:30):
little more context to it so peopleunderstand what we're dealing with.
Um, you know, my mother exposed meto pornography at nine years old.
She, um, worked at a bar thathad strippers and I was watching
strippers at ten years old.
And you know, my mother wouldhave me, as an older teenager now,
(17:51):
she would have me break windowsof people she was angry with.
My mother faked robberiesof her home and businesses.
She, uh, I left Connecticutand moved to Atlantic City.
She came there and staged a robbery whileshe was in Atlantic City, had me go to
the police station with her and say thatwe had just been robbed at gunpoint.
(18:11):
So, you know, when people think of bondingmoments with their mother, as, you know,
birthdays, or Christmas, or whatever,
you know, these, these were mybonding moments with my mother.
These are, these are mymemories and experiences.
So my mother was a veryharsh, um, cruel person.
(18:34):
She, uh, was, could be very, very unkind.
I was abused, I was beaten, I wasscreamed at, all this kind of thing.
When my mother, my mother left me andmy father, I was twelve years old.
And again, I'm, I'm from a, a middleclass conservative Jewish family
in a very Jewish neighborhood.
(18:54):
For, um, a woman, you know, for mymother to leave our home and move
in with a man about twenty yearsyounger than her, in the early
seventies, this was quite a scandal.
Um, so we were the talkof the neighborhood,
of course, I felt a lotof shame because of that.
(19:14):
Shortly after that I was molested byan older neighborhood boy, which added
more shame, um, and trauma to me.
And this, this is who my mother was.
My sister was cut from the samecloth, very mean, very mean-spirited,
very sharp tongue, and all of that.
(19:37):
So my mother, when I was, um, my first,first abandonment was when I was twelve.
And she left me and my father,did not ask me to come with her,
didn't want me, took my sister.
When I was twenty-five, my mother, um,had a falling out with the whole family.
(19:58):
My, my uncle, who's her brother, mygrandmother, who's her mother, and
me, she stopped talking to all of us.
She wanted money and sheasked me to co-sign a loan.
And I refused to do it because I hadjust gotten married and didn't wanna
jeopardize my future credit and I knew mymother had never paid a bill in her life.
(20:18):
Um, my uncle would not give herany more money and her mother
would not give her any more money.
Um, some of the robberies, I foundout, I just found this out last year,
some of the robberies that happenedfifty years ago, um, my mother needed
the money to give to her Italian loverthat she, she left us to go live with.
She faked robberies, and money, youknow, some for insurance, went to him.
(20:43):
Some things were actually stolen and sold,and that money went to, to him as well.
So this, this was my family,this is what I came from.
And
again, when I was twenty-five,she stopped talking to all of us.
She didn't talk, she, my grandmother diedwith my mother never reconciling with her.
(21:06):
My mother never reconciled with myuncle, I was the one who reached out
after twenty years to try to reconcile.
And there, there was a reconciliation,but it was very superficial.
My mother has, had never met mychildren, never even inquired what their
names or birthdays were or anything.
Nothing.
(21:27):
Um, I never asked for an apology oran explanation for things that she had
done to me, uh, when I was a, when Iwas a kid, I just, I just let it go.
I let her off the hook.
Well, last year, this brings us up tolast year and what the, the catalyst was.
(21:52):
Last year, my, I'm in thehospital, I had very serious health
problems that started in 2018.
Um, I had emergency surgery,um, I had my, abdomen, uh, my
stomach basically ruptured.
I had to have my stomach removed.
There were all kinds of complications.
I was in the hospital for six weeksand almost died several times.
(22:15):
And since then I've had complications,uh, I've been hospitalized twenty times
in, in the last, you know, since 2018.
Well, last summer, I'm in thehospital again, this is in July,
and my sister sends me a scathingmessage that, um, You'd never come
(22:35):
up to Connecticut to see your mother.
You know, you don't careabout anybody but yourself.
You're, you know, you're, you're,you're selfish, you're this,
you're that, all that kind stuff.
So, you know, it was really kindof hurtful to hear all these
things, but not surprising becauseshe was always harsh towards me.
She's older than me, she'sthree years older than me.
(22:57):
Um, I was very upset by the whole thing,I started crying, I'm in the hospital,
my daughter's with me consoling me.
And when I got home from the hospital,my wife started reminding me of
things that I had actually forgotten.
That they wanted nothing to do with me,I was the one that reached out to them
after twenty years.
(23:19):
I started piecing things back togetherthat were just all disconnected
from my childhood and my life.
And
what happened was, I, I, I justhad this resolve within me now.
It's like, You know what?
I am not gonna let thesepeople harm me again.
(23:42):
Oh, here's another little story.
I left Connecticut andmoved to New Jersey.
I would go up to Connecticut veryoften to visit my grandmother,
'cause my grandmother was alone.
One, one day my grandmothercomes home from going to the
(24:02):
market, buying some groceries.
A man approaches her in herdriveway, beats the hell out of her.
She had a very large diamond ringon her finger from her husband,
my grandfather.
The man broke her finger getting thering off her finger, punched her, she
(24:23):
was black and blue, she looked likeshe had been in a, a boxing match.
And he told her, If you look at me goodenough to see who I am, I will kill you.
Now, two things about this.
One, there's no doubt in mymind or my uncle's mind that
my mother was behind this.
Because my mother was always inneed of money, my mother was always
(24:45):
committing or faking robberies orsome, something of that nature.
No doubt in my mind my mother hadthis done and there's no doubt in my
mind as to who did it because I knewthe people that she associated with.
Um, at this point, she had anotherlover, another Italian man, and
(25:06):
he had a hoodlum nephew that Iknew, uh, I was introduced to.
And I knew him and there's no questionin my mind he was the one who did it.
So this is my family, this ismy mother, this is my sister.
Um, I'm as different from my sisterand my uncle is as different from
(25:26):
my mother as Cain was from Abel.
Just total opposites.
When this happened, again, I,I, I, the resolve kicked in.
That's it, I'm done.
You're never gonna hurt me again.
I dealt with everything thatI had been through in the past
that I ignored, suppressed.
(25:47):
Uh, I forgot about the thingwith my grandmother, I forgot
that I was the one who tried toreconcile, I forgot all this stuff.
And my wife had reminded me,and my uncle had reminded me.
And working through all of it, I wasfinally able to have peace about it.
Because part of my message inthe book and my message to people
(26:08):
is, you are not the monster here.
You are a victim.
And, um, I finally came to,to recognize that, and deal
with that, and move past it.
Um, but
the things that my family, specificallymy mother had done throughout her
(26:31):
life, towards me, towards my father,towards her mother, towards other
people are just, they're atrocious.
I mean, just atrocious.
Now, the last anecdote I'll share withyou about it and then, you know, we'll,
I'll let you drive, drive this ship, um,I wrote, started writing the book in July.
(26:51):
The book was published last September.
I get, my father died when I was 18.
Um,
I get a message from a friend ofmine on Facebook who was a friend
I've known for over fifty years.
She offers me condolences about my mother.
(27:13):
Now to not make her feel uncomfortableor like she said something that
she shouldn't have said, I justsaid, thank you, I appreciate that.
And I was like, What the hell is this?
Like, my mother died?
So I try to find obituary, youknow, Googling this, that, and the
(27:33):
other thing, I can't find anything.
So after about five days, I calledthe county coroner, confirmed
some information with her.
And come to find out, mymother died last October.
My sister told no one, okay?
She hates me, right?
So she didn't tell me.
(27:54):
She has, she has no beef with myaunt and uncle, she didn't tell them.
She told no one.
So again, just to, toreiterate, this is my family.
This is what I come from.
Um, I am not the only person thathas had a horrible family, you know?
(28:16):
Um, but again, the whole catalystfor writing the book is, and it's
called Restored because everythingin my life needed to be restored.
My relationship with my wife, myrelationship with my children,
my health, uh, my soul, my,
(28:36):
my, um, self-image.
I mean, everything.
I had to start from scratch andrebuild, realizing that it's not me.
You know, I, I,
I was the victim here.
And, um, it's important thatpeople know who've had, you
know, really crappy upbringingsor families or things like that.
(29:01):
Um, you can either follow theirexample and become like them or not.
I chose to not become like them, butI was carrying out, I was carrying
around damage and trauma that wasunhealed for many, many years.
(29:21):
And I always, I, you know, there's thisexpression, Hurt people, hurt people.
So I ended up hurting my wife andmy children and, and other people
as well because, um, I was hurt.
So it, it was a very long, difficult road.
There's a lot more to it.
There's a lot that happened between me andmy wife and uh, my health issues and all.
(29:43):
But it's basically a story ofovercoming tremendous obstacles,
tremendous disadvantages.
You know, from the start beingset on a wrong path so young.
Um, but there's a happy ending andI try to offer people encouragement,
(30:04):
hope, insights, some practicalsteps to help yourself to become a
better self, and things like that.
So that's my goal, is that otherpeople themselves will become
restored and find wholeness and peace.
Because you and I both knowthere's, there's no shortage of
hurting people in the world today.
(30:25):
That is for sure, Randy.
You know, I, I like to always sayI have this muddy shoe life theory
and it really is the key to success.
Life is like a muddy shoegoing down a muddy path.
(30:50):
And the mud that we're walking in,in that shoe is the people, the
places, and things in our life.
And if you've walked a muddypath, you know that mud collects
and your shoes can get so heavy.
Enough where it wearsyou out, tires you out.
(31:15):
Take some time and scrapethe mud off of your shoe.
Find a rock or a stick and scrape it off.
This is the people, the places, andthe things that hurt us or destroy us.
These things are not healthy for us.
The good mud, it will stay with us in thetread of your shoe and keep going with us.
(31:42):
But we don't have to packall that mud with us.
And the secret to a healthy, happylife is truly what we just talked
about there, wiping that mud off.
Getting those people out of our lifethat are harming us, doing those
things that are not good for us.
(32:05):
And this is really key to success.
What, what's your thought on that, Randy?
Well, I mean, is that your analogy?
I mean, that was really excellent.
Yes.
Wow, that was fantastic.
I love that.
Thank you.
I'm gonna steal that.
Do, do, I, I like to share that.
(32:27):
It, very well put, uh, Ed, very well put.
Um, but you reminded me of somethingthat I also reiterate several times in
the book, and that is you do not needanybody's permission to cut out of your
life anything or anyone that is harmingyou or not adding value to your life
(32:49):
and helping you become a better person.
And you don't, you don't need anybody'spermission to, to get rid of that.
And, um, you know, I know a lotof people find that hard to do.
They, they, they, they, for what,whatever reason, they feel guilty,
they feel bad, you know, oh,what's gonna happen to this person?
Well, if that's what your thoughtis, actually, that's your pride.
(33:12):
Because you're thinking what's gonnahappen to this person without me?
So, you know, examine that a little bit.
Take a look at yourself, sometimesthat's our pride saying that.
Um, but put that aside.
Because you know what?
It's, everybody in thisworld is not your problem.
You, you, you, your first priorityis yourself, your spouse, your
(33:35):
children, you know, whatever it is.
But it's, it's like concentriccircles that go out from there.
So somebody who's just anacquaintance at best, bye.
You know, you don't, you don'towe these people anything.
You don't.
You owe yourself and youowe those closest to you.
Yeah.
(33:55):
You know, and people willallow people to hurt them.
And it's that Stockholmsyndrome thing where we get
comfortable with those people.
And, you know, our, our life isours after the age of eighteen.
There is no one incontrol of you, but you.
(34:18):
And those people, those places,and things, we get attached to
because those people told us,Well, you have to feel this way.
And that's subconscious.
It's like the crabs in the bucketsyndrome, and you can look that up, where
(34:39):
if somebody tries to crawl out of thatbucket, the others are gonna pull you
back in and even destroy you at times.
So it's very interesting.
If we take the time to educate ourselfabout what happened in our life, because
(35:03):
you, you even stated it, your wifehad to remind you of some things, your
uncle had to remind you of things.
That's because we shut that valveoff and we don't wanna remember it.
But remembering those, yes,remembering those dark things
(35:23):
is actually the key to success.
It really is, it really is.
It's, it's like a cancer, you know?
I mean, you can't ignore it.
You, sooner or later it'sgonna affect your entire body
if unchecked and kill you.
You, you have to deal with it, you haveto cut it out, you have to remove it.
(35:45):
And that process may be painful,but you're gonna come out healthy.
You know, you're gonna findwholeness and peace on the other end.
And if I could say one thing, 'causeyou mentioned Stockholm Syndrome and you
reminded me of something really importantthat I would like to share with people
who, who have been abused, molested,suffered trauma, or whatever it is.
(36:06):
Um, shortly after I released the book, uh,maybe three days after, a panic set in.
A panic and I felt like,what have I just done?
I've just outed my mother.
I've just, I've just told everybody thesecrets, every, that my mother did to me.
(36:30):
And I contacted a friend of minewho's a, who's a therapist, and
I said, You know, what is this?
Is this a normal thing?
He said, people like yourself,this is a very normal thing.
And, um, I worked throughit after a couple days.
But it's important to, to say, to mentionto people that you, you defend, I, I
(36:52):
kept my mother's secrets for fifty yearsand you begin to defend your abusers
and you do it for so long, you don'teven realize you're doing it anymore.
It's just, it's just second nature.
And when you, when you, uh, go in adifferent direction and you finally
(37:13):
expose it, what happened to me was,like I said, this panic set in,
oh my God, what have I just done?
But I worked through it and realized,wait a minute, I'm telling the
story, but she's the monster, not me.
You know?
Um, it's very important for peoplewho've had similar experiences and again,
(37:37):
that Stockholm syndrome kind of thing.
I now know what that feels like.
I mean, I never experienced that.
It was an emotion I neverexperienced in my life, ever.
So, uh, and it was unexpected, Ed.
It was a very, yeah,but I never expected it.
I didn't know that I was gonnafeel like this, you know?
(37:58):
So it, it was really, it wasreally something to go through
that and work through that.
So I share that, hoping that that mightresonate with people out there who've
had similar experiences, um, becausewe're finding out that many more people
than we've ever realized have been,um, abused, molested, uh, whatever.
(38:20):
I mean, you know, a lot of people have hadhorrible experiences in their childhoods.
Um, and it happens to boys and girls,it's not just one or the other.
It happens to all people,all kinds of people.
Um, did I, did I, yeah.
Forgive me.
Did I mention, uh, I did.
Nevermind, I did mention itabout my mother passing away.
(38:41):
Okay.
I remember that.
You know, and, and, and you know,Randy, with that, you know, you,
you had that shame and guilt forouting your mother, but wasn't
that after she had already passed?
No, she was still, she was stillalive when the book came out.
(39:02):
It was before, it was before, yeah.
Oh, interesting.
It was right after the bookcame out, but she was alive.
But here's the thing, um, andthis was unexpected as well.
When I found out my mother died, this,I've read the thing, I'm standing,
I'm standing at a, at this likecoffee house where I go to, and I'm
(39:24):
standing at the, at the counter.
I look at the message and I just saidto the girl who works there behind
the counter who I'm friendly with,I just went, Oh, my mother died.
Just like that.
I had, I felt nothing.
Nothing.
Um, I spoke to my uncle and Iasked, I told him what happened.
I said, I didn't feel anything.
(39:45):
He said, I didn't feel anything either.
So I contacted a friend of mine, thetherapist, and I said, Is this normal?
I said, I felt absolutely nothing.
He said two things.
He said, one, your mother hadbroken the bonds of familial
love with you so long ago,
(40:07):
so many times and had pushed you awayand wanted nothing to do with you for so
long that there was just nothing left.
You know, I did not know how I wouldrespond hearing that my mother had died.
It was not the reactionthat I thought I would have.
(40:31):
And then when I did have that reaction,Ed, I was like, Something wrong with me?
Am I, am I a psychopath here?
I mean, you know, what is this?
So I, you know, I had to speak to somebodyand say, Well, you know, is this normal?
And he explained to me, for somepeople, um, and with my circumstances,
this is perfectly normal.
And the same thing with my uncle.
(40:51):
My mother had pushed him away,
she hadn't spoken to him forclose to forty years, wanted
nothing to do with him.
There was nothing left,there's just nothing left.
So it was, it was, again, anunexpected emotion or lack of emotion.
And I share, again, I share thatbecause, um, for anybody else out there
(41:13):
that may have experienced that, uh,I'm, I'm thinking of going through my
book and maybe doing a second editionand including these things that
happened after the book had come out.
Because I want, I want thesethings to resonate with people
who've had similar experiences.
(41:33):
I want them to know that these arenormal feelings or emotions or lack
of feelings, if that be the case,depending upon what happened to you.
This may be perfectly normaland you need to know that.
Um, so I want people to know that,and that's why I'm doing this show.
That's why we're talking about it now.
(41:55):
I want to encourage people who are,um, victims of different things to
let them know that you're not themonster, you're not the bad guy.
And not only that, but to go beyond that,to bring them to a place of, of wholeness,
healing, and being restored themselves.
That's, that's, the whole point.
(42:16):
I mean, I didn't write thisbook to make a lot of money.
Uh, I wrote it because I, I real,that's my real motivation, I
really wanna help other peoplewho've been through similar things.
Well, also it's self motivationalwhen we get behind the pen or the
microphone and we share our story.
(42:38):
You know, it's self-healing.
This is therapy.
I found out big time that it hashelped me recover and actually
pinpoint some of those darksecrets that I shut off in my life.
So when, when we get on the micand share, or we write books and
(43:01):
we share these experiences, it'sreally part of that trauma release.
And it, it really empowers us because weovercome and we decide, no, we're going
to push forward with a new beginning.
This is so helpful forother trauma victims.
(43:25):
It, it doesn't matter what typeof trauma we go through, a lot of
it is sexual, but there's mentaltrauma, there's physical trauma, and,
and it all happens and breaks us.
What we're doing, Randy,is helping heal people.
And that's why I startedthe Dead America Podcast.
(43:48):
I was broken and I am well on myway to recovery and restoration,
but it's a never ending process.
So that second book, the thirdbook, it's part of our healing.
And it not only is healing, it'sbridge building for those people
(44:12):
suffering trauma now that they'retrying to get over that chasm.
Randy, I, I have had a wonderful,uh, episode here with you,
I think we've covered a lot.
Is there anything else that youwanna add before we conclude?
(44:35):
I would just say, you know, Idid a podcast last week and the
interviewer asked me a question,um, I really wasn't prepared for.
She said, What would youtell your younger self?
And I said, What a great question.
And I pondered it for a second, and thenunequivocally my answer was, Get help.
(44:56):
Um, I never told anybodywhat happened to me.
And because of that, a lot of it hadto do with the era that I grew up in.
You know, I grew up in the sixties.
My dad was a Marine and you know, youdidn't talk about emotional stuff.
That's just the way itwas back then and for me.
But we live in a different world now,
(45:16):
uh, people are more in touch with theirfeelings and emotions and all of that.
And I would just encourageanybody, um, get help.
Uh, whether it's professional help,confiding in a trusted friend, whatever,
you know, you don't have to go throughthis alone or feel this way anymore.
There's help there.
Um, and if I can be restored, I suffered,you know, sexual trauma, emotional trauma,
(45:42):
physical trauma, I mean, you name it.
And at the hands of somebodywho's supposed to protect you,
love you, and nurture you.
Um, I, I worked through it, I foundhealing, I found wholeness and peace.
And there's hope out there for,for, for, for everyone really.
And I just wanna be an encourager,um, and an inspiration to other
(46:05):
people to help them on their journey.
That's awesome, Randy.
Could you let people know how to getthe book and how to connect with you?
Sure.
Um, they can easilyget the book on Amazon.
It's, it's available all overthe place, but that's the easiest
place to get it, on Amazon.
(46:27):
Um, just look up my name, Randy Pitkin.
And it's Restored From Brokennessand Trauma to Wholeness and Peace.
And, uh, it's availablein ebook, um, print.
And, uh, on Google, they also have an,there's an audiobook available on Google
Play if they want, uh, the audiobook.
Um, as far as connectingwith me, uh, right now I just
(46:52):
started a YouTube channel.
I have a Facebook page and I also havean Instagram, just RandyPitkin@Instagram
and Randy Pitkin on Facebook.
And I have a business pagethere dedicated to the book.
So that's, you know,reach out if you want.
And if you have questions, ask questions.
I'd be happy to answer any questions.
I'm available for anyone.
(47:14):
Randy, it's been a good conversationtoday with you and I thank you for
participating on the podcast today.
Thank you, Ed.
I appreciate being here and, uh,I enjoyed it very much as well.
Thank you for having me.
Thank you for joining us today.
If you found this podcast enlightening,entertaining, educational in any way,
(47:39):
please share, like, subscribe, and joinus right back here next week for another
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.
I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoyyour afternoon wherever you might be.
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