June 4, 2025 • 53 mins
Join Ed Watters on the Dead America Podcast for an eye-opening discussion with Paul Bauer, host of the Come On Man Podcast, author, and relationship coach. In this episode, Paul shares his journey from growing up in Colorado, navigating early relationships, serving in the Navy, and learning valuable lessons through marriage and divorce.
Explore key relationship skills that can help men foster stronger connections, including recognizing and handling partner tests, maintaining a dominant masculine presence, and setting healthy boundaries. Paul dives into the impact of social media on modern relationships and the importance of taking proactive steps toward relationship improvement.
Through practical insights and personal experiences, Paul provides actionable advice for enhancing relationship dynamics and building lasting, fulfilling connections. Whether you're single, dating, or in a long-term relationship, this episode delivers crucial strategies for navigating the complexities of love and commitment.
00:00 Understanding Validation Seeking Behavior
00:54 Introducing Paul Bauer
01:32 Paul's Early Life and Relationships
02:10 Marriage and Military Life
04:34 Struggles and Divorce
06:38 Re-entering the Dating World
09:42 Self-Improvement and Podcasting
13:28 Relationship Dynamics and Coaching
20:04 The Science of Attraction
26:44 Recognizing and Handling Women's Tests
28:56 The Impact of Social Media on Relationships
37:58 Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
47:58 Final Thoughts and Call to Action
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Doing that a lot is validation seekingbehavior and, uh, it's not masculine
to be constantly seeking validation.
Like, it, it's actually, that's more ofa, a, a, a feminine trait to be looking
for validation and attention all the time.
And so if you're that guy, women startlooking at that going, I don't know why,
(00:22):
but it, it's unattractive is becauseit, it goes against the nature, right?
(00:54):
Today, we are speaking with Paul Bauer.
Paul Bauer is the hostof Come On Man podcast.
He's also an author of three booksand he's a relationship coach.
Paul, could you please introduceyourself and let people know just
a little more about you please?
(01:15):
Yeah.
Ed, thank you for havingme on your show today.
I really appreciate it.
Uh, yeah.
A lot of people, when I go on otherpeople's shows, they want to hear, they
want to hear the Batman origin story.
Like, who is this guy?
Why should I care what he has to say?
I, I get it.
Um, well, a little bit about me.
I grew up in, uh, rural Coloradoon the eastern slope in the
(01:37):
foothills outside of Denver.
I was always pretty good with women,you know, I would say like when I was
in high school, I always had dates.
Uh, you know, lost myvirginity at, at sixteen.
But I was always the kind of guy thathad what we call a sniper mentality,
which means the first girl that'snice to you, you go all in on her.
(01:58):
You're immediately
monogamous with her, and you're like,Okay, I'm gonna pursue this girl
and this is, this, she's the one forme, she's my soulmate, or whatever.
And so I had a lot ofsoulmates, um, early on there.
And, uh, ended up being, I, Iended up leaving for the US Navy.
I'm a, I'm a former sailor and I leftfor the Navy when I was eighteen.
(02:19):
And two years into my enlistment, I wenthome on leave and I met my now ex-wife.
And it was the same thing, I met her,uh, through some mutual friends and I
spent that whole week with her when Iwas on leave, just getting to know her.
And ended up going back to my shipwhich was in San Diego, she was
(02:40):
here in Colorado, and we had thislong distance relationship for
almost a year before I convinced herto move out to San Diego with me.
And so she moved out to San Diego andwe only really knew each other in person
for about three months before we endedup eloping, which is a big mistake.
(03:02):
But when you're young and, and you're,you're in love and you're rushing for
that white picket fence, you know,that's, uh, that tends to happen, right?
Well, the problem with, you know, notknowing someone much longer than that
is you overlook red flags, you neverreally get to see who they truly are.
Because in most relationships,there's a six month to a year
(03:23):
honeymoon phase where everyone'son their best behavior, you know?
Well, but we rushed into thatbecause I was getting ready to
go on a couple of deployments.
A three month training deployment, uh, outin Hawaii, and then come back for a month,
and then I was gonna be gone forsix months on a real deployment
out in the Middle East.
And so I wanted to make sure thatshe was taken care of because
(03:46):
that's your job as a man, right?
You have to protect and provide and Iwanted to make sure that she was okay.
And so she had insurance and, you know,if I, if something happened to me,
she would get my my life insurance.
Because by God, I was in love,Ed, and I wanted to make sure
she was taken care of, right?
Well, we get married and luckily wedid get along very well, at least
(04:10):
in the beginning, and we ended upbeing married for fourteen years.
And that first, the first sevenyears were actually pretty good
and we had, uh, we ended up havingtwo wonderful children out of it.
My, my daughter's now twenty,she's off in college now.
And my son, he's turningsixteen at the end of the month.
He's, he's, uh, a sophomore inhigh school and he's getting
(04:32):
ready to get his driver's license.
Great kids.
But man, after that seven year mark, uh,things started really going downhill.
And man, I just, I, I, we gotto a place in the relationship
where I would work like seventeenhour days just to avoid her.
I, because I knew, Ed, that when I gothome, I was gonna get an earful about how
(04:55):
I wasn't doing things good enough, andeverything was wrong, and that she had a
million, you know, honeydo chores for me.
And, and I was just like,I'm not dealing with this.
I, I'm going to, I'mjust gonna focus on work.
So I'd work late hours,come home, go to bed.
There was nights where I, I didn't likeher so much that instead of, I didn't
(05:16):
even wanna sleep in the same room as her.
I would go out to my garage, I wouldgrab a cot, I'd go sleep in my office.
I was like, I, I don't even wannabe, be around you, you know?
But I was also the kind of guy whowas raised that, you know, vows
are, vows mean something, you know?
so I was never gonna divorce her, Iwas never gonna give up, I was just
resolved to be miserable in thisrelationship until the end of life.
(05:40):
Because that's how my dad does it, right?
My dad's, my dad and my mom are stilltogether, they're, they're coming up
on their fiftieth wedding anniversary.
They hate each other.
They, they're together at this pointjust to spite each other, you know?
And, um, my grand, my, my, both setsof grandparents never got divorced.
So I was like, This is just how life is.
I, I developed this paradigm that,yeah, you, you're happy in the
(06:04):
beginning, you have a couple kidsand then you're supposed to be
miserable, a miserable workhorsefor the rest of your life, you know?
And bless her heart, you know, afterfourteen years, she, she had enough of it.
And she, her, her, she wasn't raised thesame way, her, her mom and dad split, you
know, when she was, uh, you know, young.
(06:24):
And so she didn't have the same qualmsabout going and filing for divorce, and,
uh, she ended up filing for divorce.
And, and honestly, for me, it was a bigweight lifted off my chest because I, you
know, she had the, the guts to go do it.
But then I found myself fifty poundsoverweight, back on the dating
circuit, uh, in my mid thirties,
(06:48):
you know, it's a, it was, it's atotally different world out here now.
Because when I, when she andI met, there were no dating
apps, there was no social media.
You know, we actually had to go outwhen we were in high school and, and
get in the car with a bunch of ourboys and go hollering at girls who were
also in cars hollering at guys, right?
So, or go down to the mall orto the skating rink or whatever.
(07:09):
And, uh, now it's, it's atotally different world.
And, uh, I just floundered, man.
I,I floundered on the datingcircuit, this was in 2014.
Floundered on the dating circuit foralmost a whole year, about, about eleven
months before I found, uh, another gal whosort of, I, I call her a chubby chaser.
She sort of took pity on me, gorgeousgal. But she really liked me, and
(07:32):
I, and I, same patterns emerged,I was like, Oh, I'm going all in.
I like this girl, firstgirl that's nice to me.
I'm going all in.
Ended up in this relationshipthat I probably shouldn't have
been in for four and a half years.
And the problem with that isimmediately the, the same things
that caused the attraction to erodein my marriage, I, I started being
(07:56):
that guy in this relationship.
I immediately started going intohusband mode where I thought I
reached this imaginary finish lineand I didn't have to try anymore.
And, for her, she checked out much faster.
She checked out mentally abouttwo years into that relationship.
And what, what a guy, a lot of guysdon't realize is when a woman mentally
(08:17):
checks out from a relationship,
um, they can do that up to two yearsbefore filing for divorce, before
breaking up with you, whatever.
And what they tend to do in that timeis they start socking money away, they
start lining up male orbiters, they startmaking a, a, basically an exit strategy.
And sometimes it takes, takes a while.
(08:37):
And so for her, it, she wasdoing that pretty much the last
two years of the relationship.
And right near the end, uh, she startedacting so bad that I, I finally was
like, I can't deal with this anymoreand I ended up breaking up with her.
And I came to find out, uh, a whilelater that she was actually cheating
on me at the end of that relationship,Um, which was, you know, a, a, a big
(09:02):
sort of eye-opening moment for me.
But that time, back on the datingcircuit, this was in 2019, I
had a much easier time, Ed.
I had a, because I had lost all theweight, I, I, I had lost, while I was
in that relationship, I got back intofitness, I, I lost all the fifty pounds,
I was actually in really good shape.
So I was able to get datesreally easy this time.
(09:25):
Uh, but I couldn't keep women aroundmore than like two or three dates.
And I was like, Whatam I doing wrong here?
Like, the two biggestrelationships in my life failed.
I can't keep women around longer thantwo or three dates before they ghost me.
Like, I'm clearly the problem.
I'm clearly the common denominator here.
And one of the, the biggest blessingsof that relationship, that second
(09:47):
relationship, the four and a halfyear one, I I, I referred to her
as Red Pill Chick, is that she wasreally big into self-help books
and audio books and she was alwayslistening to this kind of stuff.
and I go, Man, I bet you there'ssome books out there, some audio
books, I could, I could study tofigure out what I'm doing wrong.
And so I took a deep dive in intersexualdynamics, I took a deep dive into the
(10:10):
psychology of attraction, understandingwhere women were coming from and stuff.
And so through that process and applyingthat in the dating world, I ended up in a
men's group on Facebook called The 3% ManGroup, where we were all studying a book
called How to Be A 3% Man by Corey Wayne.
And out of that group, I, I createdmy podcast, the Come On Man podcast.
(10:33):
And it initially started as meinterviewing other guys in the
group who were trying to levelup and get better with women.
And the funny thing that we all realized,the guys that actually put the work
in, is that when you level up to getbetter with women, it tends to make you
better men in all areas of your life.
It's almost like womenmake us better, you know?
(10:53):
Just the, the qualities that womenfind attractive make you better in
business, it makes you better in yoursocial life, it just, it's, it's kind
of an interesting, uh, phenomenon.
It's like men and women really are meantto compliment each other in that way.
And so, uh, so anyway, I startedthe podcast and from the podcast it
started getting bigger, I startedinterviewing more guys in the space.
(11:17):
And, uh, from there I ended up,uh, getting invited on a, a panel
show on Saturdays with some ofthe more prominent guys in, in
what we call the red pill space.
I don't know if you're familiar with RedPill, but, um, I got invited on a panel
show by a guy named Rollo Tomassi whowrote, uh, a really phenomenal book series
called The Rational Male book series.
And, uh, went under the learningtree of all the guys in that group
(11:42):
'cause they're all very seasoned,you know, mentors in the space.
Guys that are, that coach men,psychologists, and stuff like that.
And, uh, ended up startingcoaching men myself.
And so I've been doing thatfor the last several years now.
Um, I'm in a wonderful relationshipnow that's going on five years and it's
effortless just because of everythingthat I've learned and, uh, I apply
(12:04):
it every day in my relationship.
Like we've been together, We'vebeen get, like I said, going on five
years now we've never once had a realargument, not a, not a serious argument.
Which when I talk to people about that,they're like, That, How is that possible?
And I'm like, It's possible.
It's possible when you learn, youknow, relationship skills, you know?
And a lot of us have never beentaught relationship skills.
(12:27):
It's, it's actually a, a, a thing that,you know, we, we tend to learn from our
parents, you know, from our upbringing.
We see how mom and dadinteract with each other.
We never actually really get sitdown and study, you know, how,
how, how to properly communicate.
Because men and women communicatedifferently so there's, there's
a, there's some tricks there.
(12:48):
So, um, anyway, after learning allthat stuff, um, now I help men.
And, and one of the things thatreally motivated me, it was something
that clicked with me last yearwas, uh, a lot of guys find their
way into the space because they'rein a position I was years ago.
Where they're married, they,they'll, they'll never give up,
(13:08):
um, but their relationship isnot where they want it to be.
A lot of guys are in a dead bedroomsituation and a lot of guys find
their way to the space because they'retrying to find out how do I get my
wife to have sex with me again, right?
Like, my wife hasn't had sex with me inmonths, or if she does, she's not into it.
How do I get her, like this, right?
It's all about changing her.
And, uh, and so a lot of guys findtheir way to the space and they
(13:30):
realize it's not her, it's you andhow you show up in the relationship
and how you lead that relationship.
And so, uh, so I decided I'm gonnahelp men in that situation never have
to go through what I went through.
Paul, very interesting story going on.
Uh, I wanna start with, thank you forserving our country, it's top in my life.
(13:53):
I, I really appreciate peoplethat take the time to do that.
The Come On Man podcast basicallyis, is to help yourself grow
as you help others grow.
Is that correct?
That's, that's really what it startedout as, uh, and I'll tell you why.
(14:16):
Because a lot of people, a lot ofpeople, what I found in the space
is they'll study this stuff, right?
They'll read the books just longenough to get, you know, get into
their next relationship, right?
Or, or just long enough in to, in orderto get their wife to act a certain
way, then they'll stop and then theywill fall back on old programming.
(14:40):
Because a lot of people don't realizethis is that, uh, we are, our, our
actions and our results in life comefrom our paradigm, our subconscious mind.
And so we have this paradigm of howrelationships should be that, and that's
been programmed in us all, all our lives.
And you can't undo twenty, thirty,forty years of programming after
(15:01):
reading a book once, you know?
And so, so one of the things that,uh, I realized is that I have to
constantly study this material.
And one of the things that forcesme to have to keep this stuff on the
forefront so I'm, it, I never fallback into complacency, is the podcast.
(15:22):
The podcast forces me to keepstudying this stuff so it's always
on the forefront of my mind.
I always have to come up with new episodesand so, yeah, it, it, it really started
out as a way for me to keep this on theforefront of my mind, and then it just
blew up as a way to help other men.
And then I've, I've just found that
helping other men is justextremely rewarding and it's
(15:46):
become a mission of mine in life.
And, and every man needs a, a missionor a purpose in life, or else he's
gonna fall stagnant, uh, you know, he'sgonna get, just let life happen to him.
That actually ends up being,making you really unattractive.
Women really like a guy that has amission, a purpose, a, a sense of, of
ambition and drive, and something thatmakes them want to get up in the morning.
(16:10):
That's attractive to women anda lot of guys aren't like that.
They just, you know, they get to a place,I got a job now, I, you know, I, I, I work
nine to five, I come home, I crack open acouple of beers, I try to get my wife to
sleep with me, she rejects me, whatever.
I go to sleep, wake up, rinse, wash,repeat, they, that's their lives.
It's extremely boring.
Women hate that, and that'swhy women start nagging.
(16:33):
You know, when a woman'snagging you, that's a sign.
That's a sign.
It's not, she's not tryingto be mean, she's trying to
snap you out of complacency.
I, I have been with my wife forty-twoyears, married forty years, and
(16:55):
I've been the rollercoaster,up and down, up and down.
And really until I hit fifty years old, Ihad no clue of what the heck I was doing.
And you know, my wife got fed up withit several times and I had no clue.
(17:16):
And until I really was put on a spot andI found myself broken, then I started to
really understand, Well, maybe this is me,like you stated in your, uh, run up here.
That, that's really where itstarts, finding that awareness and
(17:38):
understanding maybe, uh, you're notthe same person that your wife met.
And through getting complacent with life,maybe you've slacked here and there.
Figuring that out is hard.
And then also, you know,communication, like you said,
(18:01):
different worlds, men and women,
big time.
Uh, we're different creatures and wethink different, we act different,
our emotions come out different.
This is hard, especiallyif you're a young man.
And you know, I, it was one ofthe hardest things in my life when
(18:22):
I had to tell my wife, Fuck off.
You know, this isn'tthe way it's going to be.
And when I was able to do that ina loving way, that's when my life
started getting better, you know?
And, and this, uh, what,what do you call it?
(18:44):
Uh, betaization , it, itreally is a thing, you know?
And you've got to be on topof who you are, what you are,
and why you're that person.
What is your goal in life?
Having a goal.
If, if you don't, stagnation, it slidesin quick and that's not attractive.
(19:10):
It, it gets redundant, boring,and it causes conflict.
So understanding who your partner isis very important, and that means being
blunt, getting straight to the pointas quick as possible, and that, that
way you know who you're dealing with.
(19:32):
Because sometimes, like you stated, ittakes years to understand who you're with.
And that's part of thatcomplacency, isn't it?
It is.
Um, and I like how you said it's reallyhard, it's really hard for a young man.
Um, my, my first book iscalled, Everything I Wish
(19:52):
I Knew When I was Eighteen.
Because after I learned all this stuff,it was just like a slap in the face.
Like why?
What?
I wish someone would've told methis coming out of high school.
That there's a, there's a, it's almosta science, you know, it really is.
A lot of, uh, so I comeout of the Red Pill space.
Red pill started, uh, as guys swappingnotes in pickup forums, right?
(20:17):
How to get women to sleepwith them quick, right?
Like it, and what these guys foundwas there was all these tricks
that tended to work really well.
And so then these other guys came inwith evolutionary psychology to try
to explain, okay, well, we know thisworks, we know women respond to this.
Why, right?
And so they came in with evolutionarypsychology to try to explain it.
(20:40):
So it really is a science and it,and one of the things that I found
is that it, a lot of people thinkthat love is this thing that just
sort of magically sort of happens.
It works like clockwork.
If you, if you apply it, um, likein the dating process, right?
You apply it in a strategic way,men can actually, you can watch
(21:02):
guys progress through this.
Uh, every guy that I'veever watched study this,
it's like clockwork, right?
So one of the things that we foundis that if you, in the beginning, you
don't push for a relationship, right?
You be the one that, uh, you onlysee her once a week, you don't
try to occupy all of her time.
That's what a lot of guys do, they find agirl that's nice, they try to see her ten
(21:24):
times a week, like the first week, right?
Well, you don't do that you actlike, you know, you're busy and
you try to be really busy, right?
Be a man of, of purpose.
You, you go out there, you only see heronce a week, you wait a couple of days to
let her wonder about you, you know, youdon't text her all day long your play by
play, like, I just ate a ham sandwich.
(21:45):
Like she doesn't care.
So you be a mystery and you'll findthat women will start chasing you.
Like if they really like you and they'relike, they're trying to figure you out,
they're, that actually draws them inand makes them more attracted to you.
So you only see 'em once a week forthe first couple weeks until she
really wants to start seeing you a lot.
(22:05):
Then she's going to reach out to you more.
Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Hey, I just saw this memethat made me think of you.
Whatever, that's women chasing you.
It's funny 'cause women are verysubtle, they don't openly ask men out.
They don't openly pursue men'cause that's not in their nature.
They're very passive.
So the way women will chase you isthey just sort of put themselves
(22:25):
in their, in your orbit andhope you ask them out, right?
And so you just gotta recognize this asa guy and, and when, and when you realize
that that's what's happening, you say, Ohhey, when are you free to get together?
And you meet up with her.
By the seventh or eighth date,on average, women are usually in
love and pushing for exclusivity.
(22:46):
By the seventh or eighth date it, andit's like clockwork, just like I said,
it's, it's a, a, a fascinating thing.
You'll find that, uh, in the modernera, women will sleep with you by the,
the second or third date on average.
So it's like you don't haveto be constantly trying to
seduce her all the time.
You, you know, if she likes you, she'sgonna be pushing for that sort of thing.
It's very fascinating.
(23:07):
And so what you'll find is it worksthe same way in relationships.
And you mentioned thebetaization process.
The betaization process is, uh, I,I have an, a free ebook for guys out
there, uh, if they go to my website,fixdeadbedrooms.com, they can get it.
It's, it, it's the, the eBook'scalled She's Made You Weak.
(23:27):
And this is why attraction tendsto erode over time, most men
don't even know what's happening.
But it's a part of a woman's evolutionarywiring to where they will test you.
We call these shit tests, orframe checks, or fitness tests.
Like there's lots of differentwords for it, it's the same thing.
But women will subtly, they don't evenknow they're doing it half the time,
(23:50):
it's a very subconscious thing.
But they will test you to see if theycan push your buttons, if they can
get you mad, if they can make youchange your plans, uh, if they can
manipulate you in a, any certain way.
And if you fail these tests, shestarts losing respect for you.
(24:10):
And a woman can't love aman she doesn't respect.
And then, uh, the next partof the process is, uh, try to
get you to be more vulnerable.
Like, I need you to open up to me.
Like, tell me, tell me all your, your,your, your deepest, darkest secrets.
And then what a lot of womenwill do is, uh, if, if there's
continuing to lose respect foryou, they use that against you.
(24:34):
It's really a dirty tactic, right?
So, it's bad.
Yeah.
And then one of the things that they do,which isn't a bad thing, is they try to,
um, they try to put you to work, right?
So they, this is where a woman willget behind you and motivate you to
get a better job, to go for thatnext promotion, basically to put
(24:56):
you to work so that you're providingfor her and the children, right?
And that's not a bad thing 'causeyou'll find that, oh, a good woman will
push you to move to the next level.
Men are inherently lazy, you know?
And that comes from ourevolutionary wiring too.
Because, uh, our ancestors were rewardedfor laziness, conserving calories, not
(25:17):
spending all day chasing lions and stuff,
right?
Like it, the, the, the people that just,you know, gathered what they needed
and just like hunkered down, survived.
And so we're sort of wired tobe more lazy, but, and women are
more wired to push us, right?
And so that's not a bad thing.
But what will happen is guys willgo too hard on the provider side
(25:38):
stuff and they will be workhorses.
They will, that they will go all in ontheir work, they'll make sure that they're
bringing home the bacon, they're takingcare of their children, being good dads.
Women don't necessarily findthat attractive, though.
They don't find that sexually attractive.
And so what they'll find is that, um,they, they're not, they're no longer
(26:00):
responding sexually to you anymore.
And then now they're, they're notgetting their sexual needs met, but
they're sexual beings too, that, butthey don't find you sexually attractive
anymore 'cause now you're thisbeta, you know, provider workhorse.
That's where their evolutionaryselfishness starts taking in.
They start nitpicking at things you do,you're not doing things good enough,
(26:21):
they keep making you work and work andwork until they, but they're, they're
trying now to find a guy that's moresexually attractive and that's where their
evolutionary, um, selfishness takes in.
And they tend to, uh, give you the, I loveyou, but I'm not in love with you anymore.
And then they're, they're either cheatingon you or filing for divorce, right?
It's a, it's an erosion overtime that's subconscious, they
(26:42):
don't even know they're doing it.
And if you're, as a man, don'trealize it's happening to you, you
don't know how to defend against it.
I kind of jokingly call it defendingagainst the dark arts, you know?
But it all starts withthe the, the testing process.
So one of the things that Iteach men when I coach them is
how to recognize a woman's test.
Like things that they'll, they'llsay, things that they'll do, and,
(27:06):
uh, like a good rule of thumb is toassume everything she says or does is
a test and act accordingly, you know?
And there's different ways thatyou can handle women's tests.
Uh, like two of the biggest ones is,uh, what we call agree and amplify.
And the other one is acting different.
And a lot of it, the testing, like I saidbefore, is about seeing if she can throw
(27:27):
you off center, seeing if, if, uh, shecan get you up in your emotions, right?
Like, see if she can push your buttonsenough that you're, you yell at her.
But another thing is, uh, seeingif she can manipulate you,
get you to change your plans.
And so that's where being ableto tell a woman, No, no, we're
doing things my way, right?
She, she might get mad and throwa fit and a lot of guys like will
(27:49):
do anything to avoid any kindof tension in the relationship.
But you gotta understand that thattension, that tension's required
for her to be attracted to you.
So you don't, you embrace itand be able to tell her, No.
Let her have her fit, don't, don'tclimb on her emotional rollercoaster.
And you'll find thirty minutes latershe's crawling into your lap, you know?
So, um, but a lot of that is justher testing your strength, right?
(28:14):
Is he a good leader?
Is he, is, is he going to set the toneand, and, and lead this relationship
and let me relax into my feminine?
But most guys let their wives get inthe driver's seat then they, you know,
I, I saw a joke the other day wherea guy goes, I could never cheat on my
wife because she would have to planit and then remind me about it, right?
(28:34):
That's, uh, that's a woman being in chargeof the relationship, being the one that
sets the tone and leads, and that putsher in her masculine energy, which isn't
natural to her, which makes her resent youfor it, which causes attraction to erode.
So it's like you can't do that,you have to be the leader.
You have to be the one that sets thetone and leads that relationship.
Yeah.
(28:54):
I, I believe that a lot.
Uh, I, I really think there's a lotof this unnatural behavior going
on, and it's frustrating because,you know, the mainstream media is
telling all these young people onething, and yet, it's totally opposite
(29:15):
of the reality of the situation.
We are biological creatures and wehave these certain urges, desires,
and, and that's generalizing.
You know, there's these
offshoots, but generallyeverybody is like everybody else.
(29:40):
And that's kind of thething that makes us a tribe.
So we, we really have to dig into thatand understand that simplicity is, just
what you said, very simple to survive.
And if you can get back to thatsimplicity in living, that is really key.
(30:08):
And I think our world now, it has usmotivated in the wrong directions.
We are running for money,and, uh, fame, and attention.
Everybody wants attention.
We're looking for it in thewrong places, is what I feel.
(30:29):
What, what's your take on that?
Uh, well, what do you mean we're, we'relooking for attention in the wrong places?
You're, like on, uh, social media?
The, like, you know, get,getting the fake internet points?
Yes.
I, I, I think that is, yes, that, thatis very key, Paul, because, you know,
we are finding ourselves moving morein the direction of digital world.
(30:53):
But our biological body needs to belooking for interaction in the real world.
Uh, we used to have picnics and we,we'd have these social interactions
in the park and people would meetand gather, and that's how we used to
(31:14):
get all of our social interactions.
Now it's generallyonline, so there is this.
Diminished.
Oh, there, it is.
And it, it impacts us all in differentways, you know, a lot of, um, a
lot of the social media, it's alldopamine addiction too, you know?
(31:36):
When you, when you post something onlineand you're like constantly checking
back, like, how many views do I get?
How many likes did I get?
That's, uh, that's all dopamine addiction.
And the way, uh, it, it, itmanifests itself in, in lots of
different negative ways, you know?
uh, for men, men who get addicted tosocial media and posting so that they
get the fake internet points and stufflike that, what a lot of guys don't
(31:59):
realize is that, uh, especially if they'retrying to be more attractive for their
wives or girlfriends is, doing that alot is validation seeking behavior and,
uh, it's not masculine to beconstantly seeking validation.
Like, it, it's actually, that's more ofa, a, a, a feminine trait to be looking
(32:21):
for validation and attention all the time.
And so if you're that guy, womenstart looking at that going, I don't
know why, but it, it's unattractive.
It's because it, it goesagainst the nature, right?
Um, and then a, a, a problem withwomen, uh, having, being, putting
on social, putting themselves outthere on social media is that they
(32:42):
do get a lot of attention, especiallyif they're attractive, right?
They'll get a lot ofattention from other men.
And then, uh, their hypergamousnature, um, which is, is fascinating,
uh, there's this conceptcalled hypergamy, right?
And women, women's sexualstrategy is hypergamy.
And hypergamy is where a womanis typically trying to look for
(33:03):
her best possible option, right?
And a part of that is she wantsa guy who's sexually attractive,
we call those, you know, thosetypes of traits, alpha traits.
A lot of guys don't like the conceptsof alpha/ beta, but you can, you
can say sexually attractive andnot sexually attractive, right?
So they're looking for a guy that'ssexually attractive, but who's
(33:25):
also kind and nurturing, right?
And that the kind and nurturing's the betatraits, they want a guy with both traits.
Um.
And so that's, that's gonna be theirbest possible option, a guy that
has a, a solid mixture of both.
And what they'll, what women, ifthey can't get one thing in their
relationship, like maybe they dohave the beta provider guy, right?
(33:46):
That's where they put them to work andthey made them the solid workhorse.
Now he's the beta provider guy.
Now they're looking for, that's whythey cheat, they'll cheat with the pool
boy who's more sexually attractive.
Well, the thing is, about being onsocial media is, now they have a whole
world open to them of guys who arejust constantly giving them validation.
Telling them that they're beautiful,
(34:07):
like, Oh, you're so gorgeous.
And there's all these, you know, wecall them simps in the space, where
they're, they're just constantlyputting these women on pedestals,
so they get this inflated ego.
And now they, they get this over sense,uh, this overinflated sense of self, where
now they're looking at the guy they'rewith, who, if you didn't have social
media, he probably would be her bestpossible option in her immediate vicinity.
(34:31):
But now she's got this worldwide thingwhere she's being told constantly how
great she is, and how beautiful she is,and how she's like a ten, and she's gonna
start looking at her average husbandand go, Oh, I could do better than this.
And then her hypergamous nature isgonna start seeking that out elsewhere.
And then that's where, like we havethis really, you know, bad, uh, you
(34:54):
know, we have bad divorce rates now,people can't seem to stay together,
relationships are in shambles.
A lot of it is fueled by social media.
Yes, I believe that a hundred percent.
It, it's, it's really a good thingwhat we're doing here today, Paul,
is, you know, educating the youngerpeople that, hey, it, it's not real
(35:17):
what we're dealing with in this world.
So, you know, this is just anatural feeling that you're
having, it's okay to be you.
And, and that, I, I really feel willhelp build young people to a better
standing or understanding, anyway.
I, I, I, I agree.
(35:38):
And, and going back to the social mediathing, uh, when I realized that, uh,
posting on social media and tryingto get likes and stuff like that, uh,
was attention seeking behavior, I,I really did an, a self-evaluation
of my personal social media.
And I, I realized that I was that guy.
I was, I was posting like everydinner I had, everywhere I went, I,
(36:02):
it was always selfies and whatever,and I immediately cut that out.
If you are someone that's like my,my, one of my close friends and
you follow me on social media, youprobably never see me post anymore.
Like never.
Like my personal, my personalsocial media is completely dead.
My professional social media is veryactive 'cause it's marketing really,
(36:23):
you know, it's trying to get peopleto the podcast, or to the books, or
to the coaching, so I have to post.
It's not really attentionseeking behavior, it's business.
But, but, but I'll, I'll see it 'causeI'm on TikTok a lot and I see, I see
guys, you know, making these videos for noreason other than to get internet points.
And I'm just like, Man, if you just, ifyou just cut that out, you would, your
(36:46):
wife would like you better, you know?
And then women, if they, you stop putting,you know, sexy picks online and started,
you know, really saving that for yourrelationship and really maybe only post,
yeah, maybe only post things thatare like family updates that are
important, you know, so that, youknow, grandma knows what's going
(37:08):
on, that, that kind of stuff's okay.
But if you're putting like thirsttraps up, which a lot of women do,
they'll put like sexy pictures ofthemselves up there just so they
can get other guys' attention.
That, that's gonna hurt your marriage,that's gonna hurt your relationship.
So it, it, it, it would behooveboth genders to not do that so much.
(37:30):
Pull back from social media and, andbe more present in your relationship.
Yeah, yeah.
And, and that, that should carry on intoyour personal life behavior, all of that.
Moderation in everythingthat we do is key.
So it happens with alcohol and, you know,all, all behavior depends on moderation.
(37:58):
I wanna touch on setting, uh, boundaries.
You know, I really feel that a goodrelationship has healthy boundaries
and both partners should understandthe boundaries within the relationship.
What is your understandingof boundaries, Paul?
(38:25):
Boundaries are, boundaries are paramount.
But, but a lot of people don't reallyhave a good understanding of boundaries.
Boundaries aren't for them.
Like, boundaries are for you.
It's, it's rules and values you setfor yourself of what you're willing
to tolerate and what you're not.
And, uh, a lot of people don't knowhow to set boundaries very well.
(38:47):
Uh, there's effective ways of doing it.
And, um, like a good example, right?
Because one of the things that, thatI, we talk about in the Red Pill
space is, is for men, uh, women aretypically drawn to a guy who has a
dominant masculine presence, right?
Uh, being dominant doesn't necessarilymean domineering, you know, like
(39:07):
being controlling and stuff like that.
That's not a, that's nota good attractive feature.
But a lot of guys, when they'resetting boundaries, they
will be controlling, right?
So, for example, uh, a, a, a, a guymight not want his wife going out
with her single ho friends, you know,which is a good boundary to have.
(39:29):
Because a, a woman that is goingout with her single friends,
if she has five single friends,she's gonna go out and act single.
And that's typically how cheating starts.
If she goes out and hangs out with, uh,if she's in a committed relationship or,
you know, if she's married, she goes outand, and hangs out with married women that
are typically happy in their marriage,
(39:50):
that's gonna be, you know, agood, you know, feedback loop,
positive feedback loop for her.
Like, you should encourage that.
But if she's like, if she, if you don'twant her going out with her single, single
ho friends, uh, a, a, a domineering guywill say, You are forbidden from going
out with your single ho friends, right?
But a, a, a good way to set that boundary,where it's not controlling and you're
(40:14):
just being clear with, Hey, this is aboundary of mine, is by saying, I can't
be in a relationship with a woman thatgoes out with her single ho friends.
Because that's you.
Like, I, I can't do that.
You're, you're free to do it, butwe can't be together, you know?
And so that's a decision you have to make.
And, uh, and that's a, a good way ofsetting that by being clear like, Hey,
(40:38):
I, I don't tolerate this, you know?
And so, uh, that's one way of doing it.
Uh, there's a really phenomenal bookI highly recommend everyone read.
It's not one of mine, but it's one thatI, I have my coaching clients read.
It's called, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.
I think it came out, I wanna sayit came out in the seventies.
(40:58):
Uh, it's a, a phenomenal book.
It, it starts off with yourassertive bill of rights, it
teaches you how to communicate,uh, assertively, um, effectively.
And so a lot of people think beingassertive means being aggressive.
Like you have to yell at your wife andtell her, No, you can't do this, right?
(41:19):
No, you don't have to do that at all.
You can be very calmand still be assertive.
And he teaches lots oftechniques in that book.
Uh, and one of them, when it comes tosetting boundaries, that's probably
the, your number one tool in thetoolbox is what we call broken record.
Where you set the boundary, which is, Idon't, I don't date, I don't date women
(41:42):
that go out with their single ho friends.
And, uh, and she starts arguingabout it, Oh, you're being insecure
and dah, dah, dah, dah, or whatever.
And you say, Maybe, maybe I am beinginsecure, but I don't date women that
go out with their single ho friends.
So the broken record is you just keeprepeating the phrase over and over
again until they get it, you know?
(42:03):
And people typically, uh, you know,sometimes, like the first couple of
times you do it, if you, especiallyif you're one of those people that
are, you know, used to manipulativelanguage being used on you and you do
feel guilty for telling people no andstuff like that, uh, it's gonna feel
uncomfortable the first few times you doit, but then it becomes second nature.
And a lot of the stuff that I teachguys is, I want it to become a habit.
(42:27):
I want it to become a part of yournew paradigm of having a dominant
masculine presence 'cause you'll do itwithout even thinking about it then.
Um, but, but it's gonnafeel uncomfortable at first.
And it just, like anythingelse in life, if you wanna get
good at it, it takes practice.
But, uh, but yeah.
That's a, it's a phenomenal book.
It talks, it tells you how to, like,if your wife gets angry and starts
(42:49):
yelling at you, how to stay calmand centered in those circumstances.
Because like we talked about before,with the shit tests, if she can get you
mad and angry and push your buttons,and you get mad, you fail her tests
and then she loses respect for you.
But if, if, if you are able to staycalm, like the most calm person wins.
If you can stay calm and be able tointeract with her, despite her being mad
(43:13):
and yelling and whatever, you're gonna winand she's gonna have more respect for you.
And the more respect she has for you,the more in love with you she's gonna
be, the more she's gonna see you as herbest hypergamous option, the longer your
relationship's gonna last, you know?
So it's, it, it ends up compounding,all this stuff compounds.
And the, the ability to be able to tellyour wife no and set boundaries is huge.
(43:36):
She, she likes that structure.
I, I was talking with another guyand he, he, he said it very well.
He said, Imagine walking througha cave and it's dark in there
and you can't see very well.
Uh, as long as you can feel the sides ofthe cave, you feel a little more secure.
Like, okay, I might beable to get through this.
I can, I can kind offeel my way out of this.
(43:58):
But if you go and push on the cavewall and the cave wall's collapsing,
you're not gonna feel safe.
You're gonna be like, Oh my God,I'm in a dark cave, I can't see
anything, the walls are caving in.
Boundaries are the same thingfor your wife or your girlfriend.
She's like in a cave, 'cause women, youknow, they, uh, the, with their emotions,
there's, there's, it's, it's like,it's like they're, they're the wind.
(44:19):
And so they, like, one of thereasons why they like, uh, male
masculine leadership is because itprovides structure to their chaos.
And so if you could be, if you canapply boundaries, you are providing,
um, the walls in the cave for her to feelmore safe and secure in the relationship.
Being able to tell her noprovides structure and that makes
(44:41):
her feel more safe and secure.
And, and it's, it's fascinating.
Uh, one of my mentors in the space,a guy named Dr. Robert Glover, he's
written some really phenomenal books.
Um, one of the things that he saidthat he had to learn, like, 'cause he's
been, I think he's, I think he's onhis third, third marriage, he finally
figured it out after his third marriage.
But his, after his second marriage,his wife told him, Look, if you
(45:02):
can't stand up to me, how canI trust you to stand up for me?
Like, that's, that's howa lot of women think.
And so if you can't tell her no, ifyou can't stand up to her nagging
and whatever, and be able to sortof, you know, lovingly put her in
her place, um, she won't respect you.
And then she can't love you andshe can't, she doesn't trust your
(45:24):
leadership and she doesn't feelsafe and secure in the relationship.
And at the end of the day, womenare security seeking creatures
that respond to strength.
And if, if, if you can recognize that and,and provide that structure, like she can
relax into her feminine and, and thingswill be swimming in your relationship.
That was solid advice right thereand, and you laid it out well.
(45:47):
Uh, I like the collapsing cave walls inthe dark that, that paints a good picture.
And, and it's very, very challengingwhen you're in the heat of the moment
and that feminine chaos hits you.
Uh, it took me years and years to figureout how to stay calm in that storm.
(46:14):
And, and really it does help, notonly your wife's attitude, but
it helps yourself and it givesyourself understanding of the
chaos that the world that surroundsyou throws at you every day.
And really that's back to thatnatural feeling of security, that
(46:38):
sense of security is very important.
It's not everything but.
I was gonna say, well, that's,that's one of the big reasons
why women test you though.
They, you know, they're testing tosee if they can, you know, push your
buttons and throw you off center andmanipulate you because she needs, she
needs to know that life's challenges,that you're gonna be able to handle
(46:59):
them and lead the family through that.
And if, if you can't, if you can't handleher women's nonsense, like how are you
gonna handle life's bigger challenges?
Like, that's really where it comes from.
And it, like, women don'teven know they're doing it.
And so the, the, the sooner menrealize what's happening and how
to handle it, uh, like, the bettertheir relationships are gonna be.
(47:23):
You know, Paul, that's very key.
Uh, sometimes when women are inthat chaotic state, they don't
even realize they're there.
They're just reacting the way that theirsubconscious mind tells them to react.
So we're back into that, you, yougotta understand the feminine mind.
(47:44):
And you have to understand themale mind model to really live in a
harmonious situation, a relationship.
It's, it's quite interestinghow it all works.
Our time is running short.
Uh, do you have anything you wannaadd to our conversation, Paul?
(48:06):
Um, I'll just say, final thoughtson this is, uh, the, the number one
thing I think guys, if they wannastart turning their relationship
around and start fixing things, islearning how to handle women's tests.
Uh, in my coaching program, uh, westart working on that on week two.
Like week one, we look at, what we do iswe do what I call a relationship autopsy.
(48:31):
We look at what your relationshipused to be like, where it is
now, and, and where you think itstarted going downhill, you know?
And we start evaluating that.
But week two, we, we talk about handlingwomen's tests because as soon as a
guy learns how to handle her tests, heimmediately puts himself back at the
(48:53):
beginning of the betaization process.
Back where she's starting to test again.
And as soon as you start passingthose tests, that's when her hamster
wheel starts, starts running again.
Going, Wait a second, I don't knowwhat he's doing, but I like it.
You know, I had, uh, what I, I,I had a client who, he, he and
his wife, they hadn't had sex inlike six months, and they were
(49:17):
constantly fighting, all this stuff.
And on week two I showedhim, I told him what to do.
And he, and I told him to have fun withit 'cause, you know, the agree and amplify
part is where you sort of take whatevershe says and you jokingly agree with
her, and then bring it up to an absurdlevel and just make a big joke out of it,
right?
And, and basically you, you'renot taking her seriously.
(49:39):
Well, he did that to his wife andafter that session, he, he, he, she
was testing him in some way, he did theagree and amplify and had fun with it.
And he go, he, he reported back, he goes,I'm not in a dead bedroom anymore, bro.
I was like, boom, week two.
Like, that's all, for a lot ofguys, that's all it takes is
just handling her, her test.
(50:00):
So I would highly recommendyou learn how to do that.
Um, one way guys can do that, ifthey get my, uh, latest book, it's
called, Get Her to Fuck You Again.
It's a red pill guide, um, to fix adead bedroom that came out in January.
It's also available on Audible.
So if you prefer to listen to it on, onaudio, it's available on Audible too.
Um, and then if guys read that book andthey're still having challenges, I highly
(50:24):
recommend that they book a call with me.
It's free.
Um, if you go to call.fixdeadbedrooms.com,they could book a call with me and if,
if I can help you with your situation,I'll show you what that looks like.
And if I can't, I'll at leastpoint you in the right direction.
Great, great.
So, uh, do you have acall to action for people?
(50:45):
The call to action wouldbe to get the book.
Because I, I was talking with this guytoday on, uh, a lot of guys like DM me
and stuff, and, um, this guy DM me abouta video like a couple of weeks ago.
And, you know, a lot of the guys thatI work with one-on-one, uh, they're,
they've been in, they've been marriedfor over five years, you know?
(51:06):
They've had, they've had someserious problems and stuff like that.
Uh, this guy hadn't been married,or I think he's still dating,
he's not even married, you know?
And so, um, working with me, uh, it,it's, it's not gonna be in your best
interest if you're, if you haven't been,uh, you know, married that long, right?
So I said, Well, get the book.
Definitely get the book and, and, and readit and start applying some of that stuff,
(51:28):
and, and you'll, you'll find some success.
And then like a week later he respo, hereplied to another one of my videos going,
Hey, can I get more information on this?
I'm like, Well, haveyou read the book yet?
And he's like, Oh, no,I haven't done that yet.
It's, it's like people are out therelooking for some kind of magic pill.
The magic pill is to get out there andactually take some action and do the work.
(51:50):
So by you, my, my bestrecommendation for guys is to grab
the book and start reading it.
Like at least take some action there.
And then as you're readingthe book, apply it.
Start applying it, don't just readthe book and put it on the shelf
and think that you've fixed things.
You haven't, you haveto actually take action.
Um, nothing's gonna work unless you startmoving the, the needle a little bit.
(52:13):
And the, the quickest way to dothat would be to go get my book.
Action makes perfection.
You just gotta keep going, you know?
Try, try again until youget the right formula.
Paul, it's a blessing tohave you on the show today.
I wanna say thank you for sharing hereon the Dead America Podcast and would
(52:37):
you tell people one more time how to getahold of you and get connected with you?
Yeah.
So I, I have a blog, it'scalled fixdeadbedrooms.com.
Um, and I, I post there almost daily.
I, I don't, I don't really poston Sundays, but I post there daily
just various tips and tricks onhow to fix your mindset, how to,
(53:00):
how to rebuild that attraction.
So that's a good free resource for people.
And then if they go to that website,they can find my social medias,
they can find my, they can find mypodcast, they can find my books,
they can book a call with me.
So go to fixdeadbedrooms.com andyou can find all my stuff there.
Paul, I like what you're doing.
(53:20):
Keep doing it, sir.
Alright, thanks Ed.
I appreciate it.
Thank you for joining us today.
If you found this podcast enlightening,entertaining, educational in any way,
please share, like, subscribe, and joinus right back here next week for another
(53:43):
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.
I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoyyour afternoon wherever you might be.
Doing that a lot is validation seekingbehavior and, uh, it's not masculine
to be constantly seeking validation.
Like, it, it's actually, that's more ofa, a, a, a feminine trait to be looking
for validation and attention all the time.
And so if you're that guy, women startlooking at that going, I don't know why,
(00:22):
but it, it's unattractive is becauseit, it goes against the nature, right?
(00:54):
Today, we are speaking with Paul Bauer.
Paul Bauer is the hostof Come On Man podcast.
He's also an author of three booksand he's a relationship coach.
Paul, could you please introduceyourself and let people know just
a little more about you please?
(01:15):
Yeah.
Ed, thank you for havingme on your show today.
I really appreciate it.
Uh, yeah.
A lot of people, when I go on otherpeople's shows, they want to hear, they
want to hear the Batman origin story.
Like, who is this guy?
Why should I care what he has to say?
I, I get it.
Um, well, a little bit about me.
I grew up in, uh, rural Coloradoon the eastern slope in the
(01:37):
foothills outside of Denver.
I was always pretty good with women,you know, I would say like when I was
in high school, I always had dates.
Uh, you know, lost myvirginity at, at sixteen.
But I was always the kind of guy thathad what we call a sniper mentality,
which means the first girl that'snice to you, you go all in on her.
(01:58):
You're immediately
monogamous with her, and you're like,Okay, I'm gonna pursue this girl
and this is, this, she's the one forme, she's my soulmate, or whatever.
And so I had a lot ofsoulmates, um, early on there.
And, uh, ended up being, I, Iended up leaving for the US Navy.
I'm a, I'm a former sailor and I leftfor the Navy when I was eighteen.
(02:19):
And two years into my enlistment, I wenthome on leave and I met my now ex-wife.
And it was the same thing, I met her,uh, through some mutual friends and I
spent that whole week with her when Iwas on leave, just getting to know her.
And ended up going back to my shipwhich was in San Diego, she was
(02:40):
here in Colorado, and we had thislong distance relationship for
almost a year before I convinced herto move out to San Diego with me.
And so she moved out to San Diego andwe only really knew each other in person
for about three months before we endedup eloping, which is a big mistake.
(03:02):
But when you're young and, and you're,you're in love and you're rushing for
that white picket fence, you know,that's, uh, that tends to happen, right?
Well, the problem with, you know, notknowing someone much longer than that
is you overlook red flags, you neverreally get to see who they truly are.
Because in most relationships,there's a six month to a year
(03:23):
honeymoon phase where everyone'son their best behavior, you know?
Well, but we rushed into thatbecause I was getting ready to
go on a couple of deployments.
A three month training deployment, uh, outin Hawaii, and then come back for a month,
and then I was gonna be gone forsix months on a real deployment
out in the Middle East.
And so I wanted to make sure thatshe was taken care of because
(03:46):
that's your job as a man, right?
You have to protect and provide and Iwanted to make sure that she was okay.
And so she had insurance and, you know,if I, if something happened to me,
she would get my my life insurance.
Because by God, I was in love,Ed, and I wanted to make sure
she was taken care of, right?
Well, we get married and luckily wedid get along very well, at least
(04:10):
in the beginning, and we ended upbeing married for fourteen years.
And that first, the first sevenyears were actually pretty good
and we had, uh, we ended up havingtwo wonderful children out of it.
My, my daughter's now twenty,she's off in college now.
And my son, he's turningsixteen at the end of the month.
He's, he's, uh, a sophomore inhigh school and he's getting
(04:32):
ready to get his driver's license.
Great kids.
But man, after that seven year mark, uh,things started really going downhill.
And man, I just, I, I, we gotto a place in the relationship
where I would work like seventeenhour days just to avoid her.
I, because I knew, Ed, that when I gothome, I was gonna get an earful about how
(04:55):
I wasn't doing things good enough, andeverything was wrong, and that she had a
million, you know, honeydo chores for me.
And, and I was just like,I'm not dealing with this.
I, I'm going to, I'mjust gonna focus on work.
So I'd work late hours,come home, go to bed.
There was nights where I, I didn't likeher so much that instead of, I didn't
(05:16):
even wanna sleep in the same room as her.
I would go out to my garage, I wouldgrab a cot, I'd go sleep in my office.
I was like, I, I don't even wannabe, be around you, you know?
But I was also the kind of guy whowas raised that, you know, vows
are, vows mean something, you know?
so I was never gonna divorce her, Iwas never gonna give up, I was just
resolved to be miserable in thisrelationship until the end of life.
(05:40):
Because that's how my dad does it, right?
My dad's, my dad and my mom are stilltogether, they're, they're coming up
on their fiftieth wedding anniversary.
They hate each other.
They, they're together at this pointjust to spite each other, you know?
And, um, my grand, my, my, both setsof grandparents never got divorced.
So I was like, This is just how life is.
I, I developed this paradigm that,yeah, you, you're happy in the
(06:04):
beginning, you have a couple kidsand then you're supposed to be
miserable, a miserable workhorsefor the rest of your life, you know?
And bless her heart, you know, afterfourteen years, she, she had enough of it.
And she, her, her, she wasn't raised thesame way, her, her mom and dad split, you
know, when she was, uh, you know, young.
(06:24):
And so she didn't have the same qualmsabout going and filing for divorce, and,
uh, she ended up filing for divorce.
And, and honestly, for me, it was a bigweight lifted off my chest because I, you
know, she had the, the guts to go do it.
But then I found myself fifty poundsoverweight, back on the dating
circuit, uh, in my mid thirties,
(06:48):
you know, it's a, it was, it's atotally different world out here now.
Because when I, when she andI met, there were no dating
apps, there was no social media.
You know, we actually had to go outwhen we were in high school and, and
get in the car with a bunch of ourboys and go hollering at girls who were
also in cars hollering at guys, right?
So, or go down to the mall orto the skating rink or whatever.
(07:09):
And, uh, now it's, it's atotally different world.
And, uh, I just floundered, man.
I,I floundered on the datingcircuit, this was in 2014.
Floundered on the dating circuit foralmost a whole year, about, about eleven
months before I found, uh, another gal whosort of, I, I call her a chubby chaser.
She sort of took pity on me, gorgeousgal. But she really liked me, and
(07:32):
I, and I, same patterns emerged,I was like, Oh, I'm going all in.
I like this girl, firstgirl that's nice to me.
I'm going all in.
Ended up in this relationshipthat I probably shouldn't have
been in for four and a half years.
And the problem with that isimmediately the, the same things
that caused the attraction to erodein my marriage, I, I started being
(07:56):
that guy in this relationship.
I immediately started going intohusband mode where I thought I
reached this imaginary finish lineand I didn't have to try anymore.
And, for her, she checked out much faster.
She checked out mentally abouttwo years into that relationship.
And what, what a guy, a lot of guysdon't realize is when a woman mentally
(08:17):
checks out from a relationship,
um, they can do that up to two yearsbefore filing for divorce, before
breaking up with you, whatever.
And what they tend to do in that timeis they start socking money away, they
start lining up male orbiters, they startmaking a, a, basically an exit strategy.
And sometimes it takes, takes a while.
(08:37):
And so for her, it, she wasdoing that pretty much the last
two years of the relationship.
And right near the end, uh, she startedacting so bad that I, I finally was
like, I can't deal with this anymoreand I ended up breaking up with her.
And I came to find out, uh, a whilelater that she was actually cheating
on me at the end of that relationship,Um, which was, you know, a, a, a big
(09:02):
sort of eye-opening moment for me.
But that time, back on the datingcircuit, this was in 2019, I
had a much easier time, Ed.
I had a, because I had lost all theweight, I, I, I had lost, while I was
in that relationship, I got back intofitness, I, I lost all the fifty pounds,
I was actually in really good shape.
So I was able to get datesreally easy this time.
(09:25):
Uh, but I couldn't keep women aroundmore than like two or three dates.
And I was like, Whatam I doing wrong here?
Like, the two biggestrelationships in my life failed.
I can't keep women around longer thantwo or three dates before they ghost me.
Like, I'm clearly the problem.
I'm clearly the common denominator here.
And one of the, the biggest blessingsof that relationship, that second
(09:47):
relationship, the four and a halfyear one, I I, I referred to her
as Red Pill Chick, is that she wasreally big into self-help books
and audio books and she was alwayslistening to this kind of stuff.
and I go, Man, I bet you there'ssome books out there, some audio
books, I could, I could study tofigure out what I'm doing wrong.
And so I took a deep dive in intersexualdynamics, I took a deep dive into the
(10:10):
psychology of attraction, understandingwhere women were coming from and stuff.
And so through that process and applyingthat in the dating world, I ended up in a
men's group on Facebook called The 3% ManGroup, where we were all studying a book
called How to Be A 3% Man by Corey Wayne.
And out of that group, I, I createdmy podcast, the Come On Man podcast.
(10:33):
And it initially started as meinterviewing other guys in the
group who were trying to levelup and get better with women.
And the funny thing that we all realized,the guys that actually put the work
in, is that when you level up to getbetter with women, it tends to make you
better men in all areas of your life.
It's almost like womenmake us better, you know?
(10:53):
Just the, the qualities that womenfind attractive make you better in
business, it makes you better in yoursocial life, it just, it's, it's kind
of an interesting, uh, phenomenon.
It's like men and women really are meantto compliment each other in that way.
And so, uh, so anyway, I startedthe podcast and from the podcast it
started getting bigger, I startedinterviewing more guys in the space.
(11:17):
And, uh, from there I ended up,uh, getting invited on a, a panel
show on Saturdays with some ofthe more prominent guys in, in
what we call the red pill space.
I don't know if you're familiar with RedPill, but, um, I got invited on a panel
show by a guy named Rollo Tomassi whowrote, uh, a really phenomenal book series
called The Rational Male book series.
And, uh, went under the learningtree of all the guys in that group
(11:42):
'cause they're all very seasoned,you know, mentors in the space.
Guys that are, that coach men,psychologists, and stuff like that.
And, uh, ended up startingcoaching men myself.
And so I've been doing thatfor the last several years now.
Um, I'm in a wonderful relationshipnow that's going on five years and it's
effortless just because of everythingthat I've learned and, uh, I apply
(12:04):
it every day in my relationship.
Like we've been together, We'vebeen get, like I said, going on five
years now we've never once had a realargument, not a, not a serious argument.
Which when I talk to people about that,they're like, That, How is that possible?
And I'm like, It's possible.
It's possible when you learn, youknow, relationship skills, you know?
And a lot of us have never beentaught relationship skills.
(12:27):
It's, it's actually a, a, a thing that,you know, we, we tend to learn from our
parents, you know, from our upbringing.
We see how mom and dadinteract with each other.
We never actually really get sitdown and study, you know, how,
how, how to properly communicate.
Because men and women communicatedifferently so there's, there's
a, there's some tricks there.
(12:48):
So, um, anyway, after learning allthat stuff, um, now I help men.
And, and one of the things thatreally motivated me, it was something
that clicked with me last yearwas, uh, a lot of guys find their
way into the space because they'rein a position I was years ago.
Where they're married, they,they'll, they'll never give up,
(13:08):
um, but their relationship isnot where they want it to be.
A lot of guys are in a dead bedroomsituation and a lot of guys find
their way to the space because they'retrying to find out how do I get my
wife to have sex with me again, right?
Like, my wife hasn't had sex with me inmonths, or if she does, she's not into it.
How do I get her, like this, right?
It's all about changing her.
And, uh, and so a lot of guys findtheir way to the space and they
(13:30):
realize it's not her, it's you andhow you show up in the relationship
and how you lead that relationship.
And so, uh, so I decided I'm gonnahelp men in that situation never have
to go through what I went through.
Paul, very interesting story going on.
Uh, I wanna start with, thank you forserving our country, it's top in my life.
(13:53):
I, I really appreciate peoplethat take the time to do that.
The Come On Man podcast basicallyis, is to help yourself grow
as you help others grow.
Is that correct?
That's, that's really what it startedout as, uh, and I'll tell you why.
(14:16):
Because a lot of people, a lot ofpeople, what I found in the space
is they'll study this stuff, right?
They'll read the books just longenough to get, you know, get into
their next relationship, right?
Or, or just long enough in to, in orderto get their wife to act a certain
way, then they'll stop and then theywill fall back on old programming.
(14:40):
Because a lot of people don't realizethis is that, uh, we are, our, our
actions and our results in life comefrom our paradigm, our subconscious mind.
And so we have this paradigm of howrelationships should be that, and that's
been programmed in us all, all our lives.
And you can't undo twenty, thirty,forty years of programming after
(15:01):
reading a book once, you know?
And so, so one of the things that,uh, I realized is that I have to
constantly study this material.
And one of the things that forcesme to have to keep this stuff on the
forefront so I'm, it, I never fallback into complacency, is the podcast.
(15:22):
The podcast forces me to keepstudying this stuff so it's always
on the forefront of my mind.
I always have to come up with new episodesand so, yeah, it, it, it really started
out as a way for me to keep this on theforefront of my mind, and then it just
blew up as a way to help other men.
And then I've, I've just found that
helping other men is justextremely rewarding and it's
(15:46):
become a mission of mine in life.
And, and every man needs a, a missionor a purpose in life, or else he's
gonna fall stagnant, uh, you know, he'sgonna get, just let life happen to him.
That actually ends up being,making you really unattractive.
Women really like a guy that has amission, a purpose, a, a sense of, of
ambition and drive, and something thatmakes them want to get up in the morning.
(16:10):
That's attractive to women anda lot of guys aren't like that.
They just, you know, they get to a place,I got a job now, I, you know, I, I, I work
nine to five, I come home, I crack open acouple of beers, I try to get my wife to
sleep with me, she rejects me, whatever.
I go to sleep, wake up, rinse, wash,repeat, they, that's their lives.
It's extremely boring.
Women hate that, and that'swhy women start nagging.
(16:33):
You know, when a woman'snagging you, that's a sign.
That's a sign.
It's not, she's not tryingto be mean, she's trying to
snap you out of complacency.
I, I have been with my wife forty-twoyears, married forty years, and
(16:55):
I've been the rollercoaster,up and down, up and down.
And really until I hit fifty years old, Ihad no clue of what the heck I was doing.
And you know, my wife got fed up withit several times and I had no clue.
(17:16):
And until I really was put on a spot andI found myself broken, then I started to
really understand, Well, maybe this is me,like you stated in your, uh, run up here.
That, that's really where itstarts, finding that awareness and
(17:38):
understanding maybe, uh, you're notthe same person that your wife met.
And through getting complacent with life,maybe you've slacked here and there.
Figuring that out is hard.
And then also, you know,communication, like you said,
(18:01):
different worlds, men and women,
big time.
Uh, we're different creatures and wethink different, we act different,
our emotions come out different.
This is hard, especiallyif you're a young man.
And you know, I, it was one ofthe hardest things in my life when
(18:22):
I had to tell my wife, Fuck off.
You know, this isn'tthe way it's going to be.
And when I was able to do that ina loving way, that's when my life
started getting better, you know?
And, and this, uh, what,what do you call it?
(18:44):
Uh, betaization , it, itreally is a thing, you know?
And you've got to be on topof who you are, what you are,
and why you're that person.
What is your goal in life?
Having a goal.
If, if you don't, stagnation, it slidesin quick and that's not attractive.
(19:10):
It, it gets redundant, boring,and it causes conflict.
So understanding who your partner isis very important, and that means being
blunt, getting straight to the pointas quick as possible, and that, that
way you know who you're dealing with.
(19:32):
Because sometimes, like you stated, ittakes years to understand who you're with.
And that's part of thatcomplacency, isn't it?
It is.
Um, and I like how you said it's reallyhard, it's really hard for a young man.
Um, my, my first book iscalled, Everything I Wish
(19:52):
I Knew When I was Eighteen.
Because after I learned all this stuff,it was just like a slap in the face.
Like why?
What?
I wish someone would've told methis coming out of high school.
That there's a, there's a, it's almosta science, you know, it really is.
A lot of, uh, so I comeout of the Red Pill space.
Red pill started, uh, as guys swappingnotes in pickup forums, right?
(20:17):
How to get women to sleepwith them quick, right?
Like it, and what these guys foundwas there was all these tricks
that tended to work really well.
And so then these other guys came inwith evolutionary psychology to try
to explain, okay, well, we know thisworks, we know women respond to this.
Why, right?
And so they came in with evolutionarypsychology to try to explain it.
(20:40):
So it really is a science and it,and one of the things that I found
is that it, a lot of people thinkthat love is this thing that just
sort of magically sort of happens.
It works like clockwork.
If you, if you apply it, um, likein the dating process, right?
You apply it in a strategic way,men can actually, you can watch
(21:02):
guys progress through this.
Uh, every guy that I'veever watched study this,
it's like clockwork, right?
So one of the things that we foundis that if you, in the beginning, you
don't push for a relationship, right?
You be the one that, uh, you onlysee her once a week, you don't
try to occupy all of her time.
That's what a lot of guys do, they find agirl that's nice, they try to see her ten
(21:24):
times a week, like the first week, right?
Well, you don't do that you actlike, you know, you're busy and
you try to be really busy, right?
Be a man of, of purpose.
You, you go out there, you only see heronce a week, you wait a couple of days to
let her wonder about you, you know, youdon't text her all day long your play by
play, like, I just ate a ham sandwich.
(21:45):
Like she doesn't care.
So you be a mystery and you'll findthat women will start chasing you.
Like if they really like you and they'relike, they're trying to figure you out,
they're, that actually draws them inand makes them more attracted to you.
So you only see 'em once a week forthe first couple weeks until she
really wants to start seeing you a lot.
(22:05):
Then she's going to reach out to you more.
Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Hey, I just saw this memethat made me think of you.
Whatever, that's women chasing you.
It's funny 'cause women are verysubtle, they don't openly ask men out.
They don't openly pursue men'cause that's not in their nature.
They're very passive.
So the way women will chase you isthey just sort of put themselves
(22:25):
in their, in your orbit andhope you ask them out, right?
And so you just gotta recognize this asa guy and, and when, and when you realize
that that's what's happening, you say, Ohhey, when are you free to get together?
And you meet up with her.
By the seventh or eighth date,on average, women are usually in
love and pushing for exclusivity.
(22:46):
By the seventh or eighth date it, andit's like clockwork, just like I said,
it's, it's a, a, a fascinating thing.
You'll find that, uh, in the modernera, women will sleep with you by the,
the second or third date on average.
So it's like you don't haveto be constantly trying to
seduce her all the time.
You, you know, if she likes you, she'sgonna be pushing for that sort of thing.
It's very fascinating.
(23:07):
And so what you'll find is it worksthe same way in relationships.
And you mentioned thebetaization process.
The betaization process is, uh, I,I have an, a free ebook for guys out
there, uh, if they go to my website,fixdeadbedrooms.com, they can get it.
It's, it, it's the, the eBook'scalled She's Made You Weak.
(23:27):
And this is why attraction tendsto erode over time, most men
don't even know what's happening.
But it's a part of a woman's evolutionarywiring to where they will test you.
We call these shit tests, orframe checks, or fitness tests.
Like there's lots of differentwords for it, it's the same thing.
But women will subtly, they don't evenknow they're doing it half the time,
(23:50):
it's a very subconscious thing.
But they will test you to see if theycan push your buttons, if they can
get you mad, if they can make youchange your plans, uh, if they can
manipulate you in a, any certain way.
And if you fail these tests, shestarts losing respect for you.
(24:10):
And a woman can't love aman she doesn't respect.
And then, uh, the next partof the process is, uh, try to
get you to be more vulnerable.
Like, I need you to open up to me.
Like, tell me, tell me all your, your,your, your deepest, darkest secrets.
And then what a lot of womenwill do is, uh, if, if there's
continuing to lose respect foryou, they use that against you.
(24:34):
It's really a dirty tactic, right?
So, it's bad.
Yeah.
And then one of the things that they do,which isn't a bad thing, is they try to,
um, they try to put you to work, right?
So they, this is where a woman willget behind you and motivate you to
get a better job, to go for thatnext promotion, basically to put
(24:56):
you to work so that you're providingfor her and the children, right?
And that's not a bad thing 'causeyou'll find that, oh, a good woman will
push you to move to the next level.
Men are inherently lazy, you know?
And that comes from ourevolutionary wiring too.
Because, uh, our ancestors were rewardedfor laziness, conserving calories, not
(25:17):
spending all day chasing lions and stuff,
right?
Like it, the, the, the people that just,you know, gathered what they needed
and just like hunkered down, survived.
And so we're sort of wired tobe more lazy, but, and women are
more wired to push us, right?
And so that's not a bad thing.
But what will happen is guys willgo too hard on the provider side
(25:38):
stuff and they will be workhorses.
They will, that they will go all in ontheir work, they'll make sure that they're
bringing home the bacon, they're takingcare of their children, being good dads.
Women don't necessarily findthat attractive, though.
They don't find that sexually attractive.
And so what they'll find is that, um,they, they're not, they're no longer
(26:00):
responding sexually to you anymore.
And then now they're, they're notgetting their sexual needs met, but
they're sexual beings too, that, butthey don't find you sexually attractive
anymore 'cause now you're thisbeta, you know, provider workhorse.
That's where their evolutionaryselfishness starts taking in.
They start nitpicking at things you do,you're not doing things good enough,
(26:21):
they keep making you work and work andwork until they, but they're, they're
trying now to find a guy that's moresexually attractive and that's where their
evolutionary, um, selfishness takes in.
And they tend to, uh, give you the, I loveyou, but I'm not in love with you anymore.
And then they're, they're either cheatingon you or filing for divorce, right?
It's a, it's an erosion overtime that's subconscious, they
(26:42):
don't even know they're doing it.
And if you're, as a man, don'trealize it's happening to you, you
don't know how to defend against it.
I kind of jokingly call it defendingagainst the dark arts, you know?
But it all starts withthe the, the testing process.
So one of the things that Iteach men when I coach them is
how to recognize a woman's test.
Like things that they'll, they'llsay, things that they'll do, and,
(27:06):
uh, like a good rule of thumb is toassume everything she says or does is
a test and act accordingly, you know?
And there's different ways thatyou can handle women's tests.
Uh, like two of the biggest ones is,uh, what we call agree and amplify.
And the other one is acting different.
And a lot of it, the testing, like I saidbefore, is about seeing if she can throw
(27:27):
you off center, seeing if, if, uh, shecan get you up in your emotions, right?
Like, see if she can push your buttonsenough that you're, you yell at her.
But another thing is, uh, seeingif she can manipulate you,
get you to change your plans.
And so that's where being ableto tell a woman, No, no, we're
doing things my way, right?
She, she might get mad and throwa fit and a lot of guys like will
(27:49):
do anything to avoid any kindof tension in the relationship.
But you gotta understand that thattension, that tension's required
for her to be attracted to you.
So you don't, you embrace itand be able to tell her, No.
Let her have her fit, don't, don'tclimb on her emotional rollercoaster.
And you'll find thirty minutes latershe's crawling into your lap, you know?
So, um, but a lot of that is justher testing your strength, right?
(28:14):
Is he a good leader?
Is he, is, is he going to set the toneand, and, and lead this relationship
and let me relax into my feminine?
But most guys let their wives get inthe driver's seat then they, you know,
I, I saw a joke the other day wherea guy goes, I could never cheat on my
wife because she would have to planit and then remind me about it, right?
(28:34):
That's, uh, that's a woman being in chargeof the relationship, being the one that
sets the tone and leads, and that putsher in her masculine energy, which isn't
natural to her, which makes her resent youfor it, which causes attraction to erode.
So it's like you can't do that,you have to be the leader.
You have to be the one that sets thetone and leads that relationship.
Yeah.
(28:54):
I, I believe that a lot.
Uh, I, I really think there's a lotof this unnatural behavior going
on, and it's frustrating because,you know, the mainstream media is
telling all these young people onething, and yet, it's totally opposite
(29:15):
of the reality of the situation.
We are biological creatures and wehave these certain urges, desires,
and, and that's generalizing.
You know, there's these
offshoots, but generallyeverybody is like everybody else.
(29:40):
And that's kind of thething that makes us a tribe.
So we, we really have to dig into thatand understand that simplicity is, just
what you said, very simple to survive.
And if you can get back to thatsimplicity in living, that is really key.
(30:08):
And I think our world now, it has usmotivated in the wrong directions.
We are running for money,and, uh, fame, and attention.
Everybody wants attention.
We're looking for it in thewrong places, is what I feel.
(30:29):
What, what's your take on that?
Uh, well, what do you mean we're, we'relooking for attention in the wrong places?
You're, like on, uh, social media?
The, like, you know, get,getting the fake internet points?
Yes.
I, I, I think that is, yes, that, thatis very key, Paul, because, you know,
we are finding ourselves moving morein the direction of digital world.
(30:53):
But our biological body needs to belooking for interaction in the real world.
Uh, we used to have picnics and we,we'd have these social interactions
in the park and people would meetand gather, and that's how we used to
(31:14):
get all of our social interactions.
Now it's generallyonline, so there is this.
Diminished.
Oh, there, it is.
And it, it impacts us all in differentways, you know, a lot of, um, a
lot of the social media, it's alldopamine addiction too, you know?
(31:36):
When you, when you post something onlineand you're like constantly checking
back, like, how many views do I get?
How many likes did I get?
That's, uh, that's all dopamine addiction.
And the way, uh, it, it, itmanifests itself in, in lots of
different negative ways, you know?
uh, for men, men who get addicted tosocial media and posting so that they
get the fake internet points and stufflike that, what a lot of guys don't
(31:59):
realize is that, uh, especially if they'retrying to be more attractive for their
wives or girlfriends is, doing that alot is validation seeking behavior and,
uh, it's not masculine to beconstantly seeking validation.
Like, it, it's actually, that's more ofa, a, a, a feminine trait to be looking
(32:21):
for validation and attention all the time.
And so if you're that guy, womenstart looking at that going, I don't
know why, but it, it's unattractive.
It's because it, it goesagainst the nature, right?
Um, and then a, a, a problem withwomen, uh, having, being, putting
on social, putting themselves outthere on social media is that they
(32:42):
do get a lot of attention, especiallyif they're attractive, right?
They'll get a lot ofattention from other men.
And then, uh, their hypergamousnature, um, which is, is fascinating,
uh, there's this conceptcalled hypergamy, right?
And women, women's sexualstrategy is hypergamy.
And hypergamy is where a womanis typically trying to look for
(33:03):
her best possible option, right?
And a part of that is she wantsa guy who's sexually attractive,
we call those, you know, thosetypes of traits, alpha traits.
A lot of guys don't like the conceptsof alpha/ beta, but you can, you
can say sexually attractive andnot sexually attractive, right?
So they're looking for a guy that'ssexually attractive, but who's
(33:25):
also kind and nurturing, right?
And that the kind and nurturing's the betatraits, they want a guy with both traits.
Um.
And so that's, that's gonna be theirbest possible option, a guy that
has a, a solid mixture of both.
And what they'll, what women, ifthey can't get one thing in their
relationship, like maybe they dohave the beta provider guy, right?
(33:46):
That's where they put them to work andthey made them the solid workhorse.
Now he's the beta provider guy.
Now they're looking for, that's whythey cheat, they'll cheat with the pool
boy who's more sexually attractive.
Well, the thing is, about being onsocial media is, now they have a whole
world open to them of guys who arejust constantly giving them validation.
Telling them that they're beautiful,
(34:07):
like, Oh, you're so gorgeous.
And there's all these, you know, wecall them simps in the space, where
they're, they're just constantlyputting these women on pedestals,
so they get this inflated ego.
And now they, they get this over sense,uh, this overinflated sense of self, where
now they're looking at the guy they'rewith, who, if you didn't have social
media, he probably would be her bestpossible option in her immediate vicinity.
(34:31):
But now she's got this worldwide thingwhere she's being told constantly how
great she is, and how beautiful she is,and how she's like a ten, and she's gonna
start looking at her average husbandand go, Oh, I could do better than this.
And then her hypergamous nature isgonna start seeking that out elsewhere.
And then that's where, like we havethis really, you know, bad, uh, you
(34:54):
know, we have bad divorce rates now,people can't seem to stay together,
relationships are in shambles.
A lot of it is fueled by social media.
Yes, I believe that a hundred percent.
It, it's, it's really a good thingwhat we're doing here today, Paul,
is, you know, educating the youngerpeople that, hey, it, it's not real
(35:17):
what we're dealing with in this world.
So, you know, this is just anatural feeling that you're
having, it's okay to be you.
And, and that, I, I really feel willhelp build young people to a better
standing or understanding, anyway.
I, I, I, I agree.
(35:38):
And, and going back to the social mediathing, uh, when I realized that, uh,
posting on social media and tryingto get likes and stuff like that, uh,
was attention seeking behavior, I,I really did an, a self-evaluation
of my personal social media.
And I, I realized that I was that guy.
I was, I was posting like everydinner I had, everywhere I went, I,
(36:02):
it was always selfies and whatever,and I immediately cut that out.
If you are someone that's like my,my, one of my close friends and
you follow me on social media, youprobably never see me post anymore.
Like never.
Like my personal, my personalsocial media is completely dead.
My professional social media is veryactive 'cause it's marketing really,
(36:23):
you know, it's trying to get peopleto the podcast, or to the books, or
to the coaching, so I have to post.
It's not really attentionseeking behavior, it's business.
But, but, but I'll, I'll see it 'causeI'm on TikTok a lot and I see, I see
guys, you know, making these videos for noreason other than to get internet points.
And I'm just like, Man, if you just, ifyou just cut that out, you would, your
(36:46):
wife would like you better, you know?
And then women, if they, you stop putting,you know, sexy picks online and started,
you know, really saving that for yourrelationship and really maybe only post,
yeah, maybe only post things thatare like family updates that are
important, you know, so that, youknow, grandma knows what's going
(37:08):
on, that, that kind of stuff's okay.
But if you're putting like thirsttraps up, which a lot of women do,
they'll put like sexy pictures ofthemselves up there just so they
can get other guys' attention.
That, that's gonna hurt your marriage,that's gonna hurt your relationship.
So it, it, it, it would behooveboth genders to not do that so much.
(37:30):
Pull back from social media and, andbe more present in your relationship.
Yeah, yeah.
And, and that, that should carry on intoyour personal life behavior, all of that.
Moderation in everythingthat we do is key.
So it happens with alcohol and, you know,all, all behavior depends on moderation.
(37:58):
I wanna touch on setting, uh, boundaries.
You know, I really feel that a goodrelationship has healthy boundaries
and both partners should understandthe boundaries within the relationship.
What is your understandingof boundaries, Paul?
(38:25):
Boundaries are, boundaries are paramount.
But, but a lot of people don't reallyhave a good understanding of boundaries.
Boundaries aren't for them.
Like, boundaries are for you.
It's, it's rules and values you setfor yourself of what you're willing
to tolerate and what you're not.
And, uh, a lot of people don't knowhow to set boundaries very well.
(38:47):
Uh, there's effective ways of doing it.
And, um, like a good example, right?
Because one of the things that, thatI, we talk about in the Red Pill
space is, is for men, uh, women aretypically drawn to a guy who has a
dominant masculine presence, right?
Uh, being dominant doesn't necessarilymean domineering, you know, like
(39:07):
being controlling and stuff like that.
That's not a, that's nota good attractive feature.
But a lot of guys, when they'resetting boundaries, they
will be controlling, right?
So, for example, uh, a, a, a, a guymight not want his wife going out
with her single ho friends, you know,which is a good boundary to have.
(39:29):
Because a, a woman that is goingout with her single friends,
if she has five single friends,she's gonna go out and act single.
And that's typically how cheating starts.
If she goes out and hangs out with, uh,if she's in a committed relationship or,
you know, if she's married, she goes outand, and hangs out with married women that
are typically happy in their marriage,
(39:50):
that's gonna be, you know, agood, you know, feedback loop,
positive feedback loop for her.
Like, you should encourage that.
But if she's like, if she, if you don'twant her going out with her single, single
ho friends, uh, a, a, a domineering guywill say, You are forbidden from going
out with your single ho friends, right?
But a, a, a good way to set that boundary,where it's not controlling and you're
(40:14):
just being clear with, Hey, this is aboundary of mine, is by saying, I can't
be in a relationship with a woman thatgoes out with her single ho friends.
Because that's you.
Like, I, I can't do that.
You're, you're free to do it, butwe can't be together, you know?
And so that's a decision you have to make.
And, uh, and that's a, a good way ofsetting that by being clear like, Hey,
(40:38):
I, I don't tolerate this, you know?
And so, uh, that's one way of doing it.
Uh, there's a really phenomenal bookI highly recommend everyone read.
It's not one of mine, but it's one thatI, I have my coaching clients read.
It's called, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.
I think it came out, I wanna sayit came out in the seventies.
(40:58):
Uh, it's a, a phenomenal book.
It, it starts off with yourassertive bill of rights, it
teaches you how to communicate,uh, assertively, um, effectively.
And so a lot of people think beingassertive means being aggressive.
Like you have to yell at your wife andtell her, No, you can't do this, right?
(41:19):
No, you don't have to do that at all.
You can be very calmand still be assertive.
And he teaches lots oftechniques in that book.
Uh, and one of them, when it comes tosetting boundaries, that's probably
the, your number one tool in thetoolbox is what we call broken record.
Where you set the boundary, which is, Idon't, I don't date, I don't date women
(41:42):
that go out with their single ho friends.
And, uh, and she starts arguingabout it, Oh, you're being insecure
and dah, dah, dah, dah, or whatever.
And you say, Maybe, maybe I am beinginsecure, but I don't date women that
go out with their single ho friends.
So the broken record is you just keeprepeating the phrase over and over
again until they get it, you know?
(42:03):
And people typically, uh, you know,sometimes, like the first couple of
times you do it, if you, especiallyif you're one of those people that
are, you know, used to manipulativelanguage being used on you and you do
feel guilty for telling people no andstuff like that, uh, it's gonna feel
uncomfortable the first few times you doit, but then it becomes second nature.
And a lot of the stuff that I teachguys is, I want it to become a habit.
(42:27):
I want it to become a part of yournew paradigm of having a dominant
masculine presence 'cause you'll do itwithout even thinking about it then.
Um, but, but it's gonnafeel uncomfortable at first.
And it just, like anythingelse in life, if you wanna get
good at it, it takes practice.
But, uh, but yeah.
That's a, it's a phenomenal book.
It talks, it tells you how to, like,if your wife gets angry and starts
(42:49):
yelling at you, how to stay calmand centered in those circumstances.
Because like we talked about before,with the shit tests, if she can get you
mad and angry and push your buttons,and you get mad, you fail her tests
and then she loses respect for you.
But if, if, if you are able to staycalm, like the most calm person wins.
If you can stay calm and be able tointeract with her, despite her being mad
(43:13):
and yelling and whatever, you're gonna winand she's gonna have more respect for you.
And the more respect she has for you,the more in love with you she's gonna
be, the more she's gonna see you as herbest hypergamous option, the longer your
relationship's gonna last, you know?
So it's, it, it ends up compounding,all this stuff compounds.
And the, the ability to be able to tellyour wife no and set boundaries is huge.
(43:36):
She, she likes that structure.
I, I was talking with another guyand he, he, he said it very well.
He said, Imagine walking througha cave and it's dark in there
and you can't see very well.
Uh, as long as you can feel the sides ofthe cave, you feel a little more secure.
Like, okay, I might beable to get through this.
I can, I can kind offeel my way out of this.
(43:58):
But if you go and push on the cavewall and the cave wall's collapsing,
you're not gonna feel safe.
You're gonna be like, Oh my God,I'm in a dark cave, I can't see
anything, the walls are caving in.
Boundaries are the same thingfor your wife or your girlfriend.
She's like in a cave, 'cause women, youknow, they, uh, the, with their emotions,
there's, there's, it's, it's like,it's like they're, they're the wind.
(44:19):
And so they, like, one of thereasons why they like, uh, male
masculine leadership is because itprovides structure to their chaos.
And so if you could be, if you canapply boundaries, you are providing,
um, the walls in the cave for her to feelmore safe and secure in the relationship.
Being able to tell her noprovides structure and that makes
(44:41):
her feel more safe and secure.
And, and it's, it's fascinating.
Uh, one of my mentors in the space,a guy named Dr. Robert Glover, he's
written some really phenomenal books.
Um, one of the things that he saidthat he had to learn, like, 'cause he's
been, I think he's, I think he's onhis third, third marriage, he finally
figured it out after his third marriage.
But his, after his second marriage,his wife told him, Look, if you
(45:02):
can't stand up to me, how canI trust you to stand up for me?
Like, that's, that's howa lot of women think.
And so if you can't tell her no, ifyou can't stand up to her nagging
and whatever, and be able to sortof, you know, lovingly put her in
her place, um, she won't respect you.
And then she can't love you andshe can't, she doesn't trust your
(45:24):
leadership and she doesn't feelsafe and secure in the relationship.
And at the end of the day, womenare security seeking creatures
that respond to strength.
And if, if, if you can recognize that and,and provide that structure, like she can
relax into her feminine and, and thingswill be swimming in your relationship.
That was solid advice right thereand, and you laid it out well.
(45:47):
Uh, I like the collapsing cave walls inthe dark that, that paints a good picture.
And, and it's very, very challengingwhen you're in the heat of the moment
and that feminine chaos hits you.
Uh, it took me years and years to figureout how to stay calm in that storm.
(46:14):
And, and really it does help, notonly your wife's attitude, but
it helps yourself and it givesyourself understanding of the
chaos that the world that surroundsyou throws at you every day.
And really that's back to thatnatural feeling of security, that
(46:38):
sense of security is very important.
It's not everything but.
I was gonna say, well, that's,that's one of the big reasons
why women test you though.
They, you know, they're testing tosee if they can, you know, push your
buttons and throw you off center andmanipulate you because she needs, she
needs to know that life's challenges,that you're gonna be able to handle
(46:59):
them and lead the family through that.
And if, if you can't, if you can't handleher women's nonsense, like how are you
gonna handle life's bigger challenges?
Like, that's really where it comes from.
And it, like, women don'teven know they're doing it.
And so the, the, the sooner menrealize what's happening and how
to handle it, uh, like, the bettertheir relationships are gonna be.
(47:23):
You know, Paul, that's very key.
Uh, sometimes when women are inthat chaotic state, they don't
even realize they're there.
They're just reacting the way that theirsubconscious mind tells them to react.
So we're back into that, you, yougotta understand the feminine mind.
(47:44):
And you have to understand themale mind model to really live in a
harmonious situation, a relationship.
It's, it's quite interestinghow it all works.
Our time is running short.
Uh, do you have anything you wannaadd to our conversation, Paul?
(48:06):
Um, I'll just say, final thoughtson this is, uh, the, the number one
thing I think guys, if they wannastart turning their relationship
around and start fixing things, islearning how to handle women's tests.
Uh, in my coaching program, uh, westart working on that on week two.
Like week one, we look at, what we do iswe do what I call a relationship autopsy.
(48:31):
We look at what your relationshipused to be like, where it is
now, and, and where you think itstarted going downhill, you know?
And we start evaluating that.
But week two, we, we talk about handlingwomen's tests because as soon as a
guy learns how to handle her tests, heimmediately puts himself back at the
(48:53):
beginning of the betaization process.
Back where she's starting to test again.
And as soon as you start passingthose tests, that's when her hamster
wheel starts, starts running again.
Going, Wait a second, I don't knowwhat he's doing, but I like it.
You know, I had, uh, what I, I,I had a client who, he, he and
his wife, they hadn't had sex inlike six months, and they were
(49:17):
constantly fighting, all this stuff.
And on week two I showedhim, I told him what to do.
And he, and I told him to have fun withit 'cause, you know, the agree and amplify
part is where you sort of take whatevershe says and you jokingly agree with
her, and then bring it up to an absurdlevel and just make a big joke out of it,
right?
And, and basically you, you'renot taking her seriously.
(49:39):
Well, he did that to his wife andafter that session, he, he, he, she
was testing him in some way, he did theagree and amplify and had fun with it.
And he go, he, he reported back, he goes,I'm not in a dead bedroom anymore, bro.
I was like, boom, week two.
Like, that's all, for a lot ofguys, that's all it takes is
just handling her, her test.
(50:00):
So I would highly recommendyou learn how to do that.
Um, one way guys can do that, ifthey get my, uh, latest book, it's
called, Get Her to Fuck You Again.
It's a red pill guide, um, to fix adead bedroom that came out in January.
It's also available on Audible.
So if you prefer to listen to it on, onaudio, it's available on Audible too.
Um, and then if guys read that book andthey're still having challenges, I highly
(50:24):
recommend that they book a call with me.
It's free.
Um, if you go to call.fixdeadbedrooms.com,they could book a call with me and if,
if I can help you with your situation,I'll show you what that looks like.
And if I can't, I'll at leastpoint you in the right direction.
Great, great.
So, uh, do you have acall to action for people?
(50:45):
The call to action wouldbe to get the book.
Because I, I was talking with this guytoday on, uh, a lot of guys like DM me
and stuff, and, um, this guy DM me abouta video like a couple of weeks ago.
And, you know, a lot of the guys thatI work with one-on-one, uh, they're,
they've been in, they've been marriedfor over five years, you know?
(51:06):
They've had, they've had someserious problems and stuff like that.
Uh, this guy hadn't been married,or I think he's still dating,
he's not even married, you know?
And so, um, working with me, uh, it,it's, it's not gonna be in your best
interest if you're, if you haven't been,uh, you know, married that long, right?
So I said, Well, get the book.
Definitely get the book and, and, and readit and start applying some of that stuff,
(51:28):
and, and you'll, you'll find some success.
And then like a week later he respo, hereplied to another one of my videos going,
Hey, can I get more information on this?
I'm like, Well, haveyou read the book yet?
And he's like, Oh, no,I haven't done that yet.
It's, it's like people are out therelooking for some kind of magic pill.
The magic pill is to get out there andactually take some action and do the work.
(51:50):
So by you, my, my bestrecommendation for guys is to grab
the book and start reading it.
Like at least take some action there.
And then as you're readingthe book, apply it.
Start applying it, don't just readthe book and put it on the shelf
and think that you've fixed things.
You haven't, you haveto actually take action.
Um, nothing's gonna work unless you startmoving the, the needle a little bit.
(52:13):
And the, the quickest way to dothat would be to go get my book.
Action makes perfection.
You just gotta keep going, you know?
Try, try again until youget the right formula.
Paul, it's a blessing tohave you on the show today.
I wanna say thank you for sharing hereon the Dead America Podcast and would
(52:37):
you tell people one more time how to getahold of you and get connected with you?
Yeah.
So I, I have a blog, it'scalled fixdeadbedrooms.com.
Um, and I, I post there almost daily.
I, I don't, I don't really poston Sundays, but I post there daily
just various tips and tricks onhow to fix your mindset, how to,
(53:00):
how to rebuild that attraction.
So that's a good free resource for people.
And then if they go to that website,they can find my social medias,
they can find my, they can find mypodcast, they can find my books,
they can book a call with me.
So go to fixdeadbedrooms.com andyou can find all my stuff there.
Paul, I like what you're doing.
(53:20):
Keep doing it, sir.
Alright, thanks Ed.
I appreciate it.
Thank you for joining us today.
If you found this podcast enlightening,entertaining, educational in any way,
please share, like, subscribe, and joinus right back here next week for another
(53:43):
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.
I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoyyour afternoon wherever you might be.
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