In this episode of Dead America, host Ed Watters engages in a compelling conversation with Kristal DeSantis, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of 'Strong: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man.' The discussion centers around the challenges modern men face in relationships and how to overcome them through effective communication. Kristal DeSantis elaborates on the importance of safety, trust, respect, openness, nurturing, and generosity in maintaining healthy relationships. She also addresses the traditional wife (TradWife) movement, its implications in modern society, and the significance of emotional intelligence in relationship dynamics. Tune in to gain valuable insights on how to foster more meaningful connections and improve relational skills in a world that's constantly evolving.
00:00 Introduction: The Power of Education
00:54 Guest Introduction: Meet Kristal DeSantis
02:00 Understanding the Modern Man
03:29 The Importance of Communication in Relationships
06:08 Navigating Masculine Roles in Modern Relationships
15:13 Six Pillars of a Strong Relationship
20:26 The TradWife Movement and Traditional Values
24:59 Personal Responsibility in Relationships
33:10 Kristal's Services and Final Thoughts
36:02 Conclusion and Call to Action
Links:
https://www.strong.love/
https://www.facebook.com/strongloveatx
https://twitter.com/atxtherapist
https://www.instagram.com/atxtherapist/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristal-desantis/
https://www.tiktok.com/@atx_therapist
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ed Watters (00:04):
To overcome, you must educate.
Educate not only yourself, buteducate anyone seeking to learn.
We are all Dead America,we can all learn something.
To learn, we must challengewhat we already understand.
(00:26):
The way we do that isthrough conversation.
Sometimes we have conversations withothers, however, some of the best
conversations happen with ourselves.
Reach out and challenge yourself; let'sdive in and learn something new right now.
(00:54):
Today, we are speakingwith Kristal DeSantis.
She is a licensed marriage and familytherapist, and she is also an author.
Her book is Strong, A RelationshipField Guide for the Modern Man.
Kristal, could you please introduceyourself and let people know just
(01:14):
a little more about you, please?
Kristal DeSantis (01:17):
Hi, so I'm Kristal DeSantis, and like you said, I'm a
licensed marriage and family therapist.
Um, I am married, I live in Austin, Ihave two dogs and a big, big chubby cat.
And yeah, as an author, uh, Strong,Relationship Field Guide for the Modern
(01:39):
Man is my first book, my only book so far.
And yeah, I'm excited to be hereand have this conversation with you.
Ed Watters (01:48):
Yeah, it's, it's great having you because this is kind of
one of those things that people reallyneed to speak up about right now.
Especially in our time, the modern man.
Could you emphasize and explain whatthat means to you, first of all?
Kristal DeSantis (02:07):
Yeah.
I think, you know, the way I am using itin the book and what I'm talking about
is it's basically any man that's tryingto navigate the modern world right now.
Um, that is maybe noticing a break fromthe traditional models of masculinity
or kind of the traditional relationshiproles that men have maybe in the
(02:32):
past, or, you know, past generations.
Um, it was maybe a little bit moreclear, like kind of the roles of men
and, you know, what was expected of them.
And in the modern world, it's just thingshave gotten a lot more complicated.
So I just wanted to speak to kindof what I noticed a lot of modern
men were struggling with, which is,you know, how do we navigate all of
(02:53):
these, all of these new rules, allof these new paths, um, all of these
new conversations, and all of thesenew changes without losing ourselves?
Ed Watters (03:02):
Yeah, that's very interesting.
I find it kind of difficult at timesbecause, you know, you never know whose
toes you are going to step on anymore.
And that gets a little confrontational,if you will, for many people.
So, you know, it's important tohave conversations, especially about
(03:24):
men and women working together.
Relationship,
it's a big thing.
And a big part of that is alwaysgoing to be communication.
So what we're doing here is we're openingup conversation pathways for individuals.
And I think that is reallywhere most people are going to
(03:47):
reconcile their differences.
From my personal experiences, I understandthat communicating with my wife about who
and what she is, no matter what I thinkwho and what she is, it's very important.
So, communication is abig part of relationship.
(04:10):
What's your take onrelationship communication?
Kristal DeSantis (04:17):
I'd say that's probably the main thing that brings
people to come to see me for couplescounseling, right, is, you know, when
I'm asking them what brings you here?
Often, kind of the number one thingis we have communication issues.
Um, and, you know, as, as I'm sureyou, you know, and you've, you know,
(04:37):
experienced and taught is, you know,sometimes communication issues are, is
a symptom of a deeper disconnection.
But also a lot of things can berectified through better communication,
right?
And so it is, it is a really crucialpart of healthy relationships.
And especially, like you said,navigating, um, you know, what might
(05:00):
seem like a big divide between men andwomen or, you know, there's a lot of
noise out there about, you know, womenare like this, or men are like this.
But ultimately what I found at the endof the day is, you know, people that
want to be in healthy relationships justwant the skills to be able to communicate
with their partner and to make theirrelationship work for them so they can
(05:22):
both be happy, and connected, and healthyand thriving, and create the lives
and the family that they want to have.
And so I really wanted to speak tothat, you know, those people that,
you know, regardless of all the noiseout there, they wanted to listen
to each other and make it work.
Ed Watters (05:39):
Yeah, that's huge.
You know, people can't be afraidof the no, when you get told
no, I don't agree with you.
You know, sometimes disagreementscome because there's problems.
And if you have a disagreement,that's the best time to really know
(06:02):
who and understand who you are.
It's, it's kind of trickyto navigate at times.
And, you know, there's unique challengesthat you say men face in today's society.
Could you talk to us about that?
Kristal DeSantis (06:21):
Yeah.
I think, you know, part of, kind ofthe premise of my book was naming that,
you know, a lot of men, um, and thisis, you know, just based on research.
Um, but also in my conversationswith men is, you know, they kind of
felt like how they were raised toshow up in a relationship like, you
(06:45):
know, you got to have a good job,you know, happy wife, happy life,
be the protector, be the provider.
You know, she wants kids, make sureshe can stay home and raise them
and you got to go pay the bills.
And, you know, um, is that, thatwasn't necessarily working to make
their marriages happy anymore.
Um, and so that's kind of thepurpose of this book is, you know,
(07:08):
it's like, I heard a lot of mensaying like, I'm a really good man.
Why is my wife saying I'm a bad partner?
And it's, you know, and so reallykind of navigating that difference
that, you know, what, what makesyou a good man when it comes to, you
know, the character qualities or, um,the characteristics of what people
perceive a good man are in the world.
(07:29):
Like you have a good job, you have astable income, or whatever it is, doesn't
necessarily translate to being, tohaving the skills to be a good partner.
And I really wanted to say that, youknow, getting the skills to be a good
partner is really just about learning.
And it's about practicing, and it'sabout being vulnerable, and being
open to learning those new skills andhaving those difficult conversations.
(07:52):
Um, and it really doesn't have anythingto do with whether or not you're,
you know, you're worth as a man.
And that's really where I found, um,some really interesting conversations
with a lot of men where, you know,in the past, maybe there was the
emphasis on, you know, if you have agood job, you will be a good partner.
If you are able to bring home the baconand, and provide for your family in that
(08:15):
way, you're automatically a good partner.
Like that's, that's the baseline.
Um, and then same thing, you know, if youwant to protect your family, you know?
Maybe back in the day, thatwas a very cut and dry.
I wouldn't say it was easy, but it wascut and dry as far as like, you know, I
mean, if we go way back is, you got to beable to fight off any intruders, right?
(08:36):
You got to be able to kill any bears,and fight any lions, and, you know,
keep your family safe from, youknow, the marauding hordes of thieves
that might try to steal your farm.
Um, but now, you know, I, I heard alot of men say, like, I still want to
be the protector, but I, I don't knowhow modern women want to be protected.
(08:57):
Like, you know, I don't want to be,uh, overbearing, I don't want to be
a creep, I don't want, you know, toget labeled as something that I'm not.
So how do I embody this kind ofmasculine urge that I have to be a
protector in my family, um, withoutbeing perceived as controlling, or
aggressive, or something negative?
(09:17):
Um, and so that's really what, you know,kind of was coming up for me when I
was writing this book is, you know, howcan, how can we honor that, you know?
These masculine traits are very,very necessary, very present, very
important, and yet they do look differentin a modern relationship, right?
Where maybe there is dual income,you're not the sole provider, you
(09:40):
know, what does that mean then?
What else can you provide?
Uh, same thing, they, you know, your wifemight not need you to fight everyone on
your neighborhood and, you know, fightthe HOA, but how else can you show up
as a protector in the relationship?
Ed Watters (09:57):
Yeah, it's very tough.
Especially if you're a young man today.
And, you know, I remember theinsecurities that I used to feel.
It, it was tough just beingwhat was perceived to be a man.
And it really wasn't, it was a facade.
(10:18):
And many, many times all it wouldhave taken was sit down and actually
have that tough conversation.
We, we feel uncomfortablesometimes because we don't want
to offend the person that we love.
And it's kind of troubling that men aregetting a bad name, but it's, it's not,
(10:45):
not a bad thing per se, really, becausemen need to wake up in a big way, too.
Look, we, we have to allow our wives,our partners, to be who they are.
And if we're deep in arelationship, we should have
already known who they are anyway.
(11:07):
And that means allowingthem to communicate.
And, you know, if they have anissue with you, you need to let
them address that and hear it.
My wife used to say, Well, you neverhear me, it goes over your head.
And she's right.
I was so busy trying to play that rolethat I assumed I heard what she said.
(11:34):
And sometimes that's troubling becausewhen we play it back, I didn't hear
forty percent of what my wife said to me.
So there is a trouble spot.
When we are providers, we haveto stop and be a good listener.
(11:56):
Because if we can't know whatis troubling our partner, how
can we protect them from it?
So it's back to that communicationthing again, isn't it?
Kristal DeSantis (12:09):
And this is really where, you know, I often say, you know,
most of the people that come to see me,when they say communication issues, you
know, I often like to point out like,well, you know, both of you clearly
are able to communicate well, likeyou both have jobs, you know, you've
completed education, you're, you'vemade the appointment to come see me.
(12:30):
So, you know, when we talk aboutcommunication, it's not so much
simply about transmitting information,but it's about, like you said, that
understanding on the deeper level.
Of, you know, sometimes communicatingabout more vulnerable issues, right?
How do we, how do we listento that without defensiveness?
Without, like you said, kind of, itgoes in one ear, it goes out the other.
(12:53):
Or you're listening to defend yourself andsay, Well, that's really not how it goes.
Or, you know, it goes throughyour own filter of what you
think they want from you.
Um, and so really that communicationis, you know, and I, in my book and
part of the work I do with couplesis, I also talk about how, you know,
men and women do get socialized tocommunicate very differently, right?
(13:15):
That's just kind of, you know,the reality of the way, you know,
little girls and little boys getsocialized with their friend groups.
Um, and so then you put these two peoplein a relationship and expect them to
kind of communicate well and then peopleare surprised when it doesn't happen.
And so that's also something Ialso want to talk about is, one
(13:36):
is not better than the other.
But it's like having two peoplefrom two different countries,
two different cultures that speakdifferent languages, you know?
And you throw them in a room andsay, All right, now figure this out.
They're going to struggle.
So finding those kind of common pointsof communication that like, Hey, when
I say blank, this is what I mean.
(13:57):
And then when you say blank,this is what you mean.
Um, and so yeah, I talk about the kindof four positions of conversation that
often women are socialized to listenand join with each other, right?
So they just like, theyhold space for each other.
They empathize.
Oh my gosh, girl, that was so hard.
I'm so sorry to hear that, right?
(14:19):
They join with the experience.
Um, whereas again, and it's not totallycut and dry, but what I often see
is men are socialized to fix things.
You know, if your buddy's like,Man, my TV is, you know, acting up.
It's like, well, you're not justtelling, telling me that so I
can go, Oh, that sucks, man.
You can't watch your favorite shows.
It's you're telling me soI can give you a solution.
(14:42):
Um, so thinking, and then also debating,that's something else I saw that when
it comes to men socializing with men,often they find a lot of bonding in,
like, kind of intellectual debate.
Um, Which again is very bonding, butwhen you put it in a relationship with
somebody who's looking to be listenedto, and you come at them with debate,
(15:04):
it, it immediately causes a conflict.
Yeah, so again, just like, yeah.
Ed Watters (15:11):
Yeah, I like that a lot.
Uh, your book, you say it's based onsix pillars of a good relationship.
Could you tell us more about that?
Kristal DeSantis (15:23):
Yeah.
So that was something, youknow, as a therapist, I wanted
to kind of boil things down.
You know, when we talk about relationshipissues, we talk about communication,
sometimes it can feel really overwhelming.
Like, what does it mean tohave a good relationship?
Um, and who gets to set that standard?
(15:43):
So I really wanted to boil it down tokind of like the psychological pillars of
what a healthy relationship looks like.
Um, so these are the six pillars.
Um, number one is safety.
So a healthy relationship isa safe relationship, right?
Not only physically safe where, you know,there's no physical violence or, um,
(16:04):
you know, throwing things when you'reupset, but also emotional safety, right?
That you can be yourself, you canbe heard, you can be listened to.
And at the end of the day,your conflict doesn't escalate
to a point that feels unsafe.
Alright, so safety in a relationshipis kind of fundamental, so that's the
S. The T is trust, which, obviously,I think, you know, if you don't
(16:27):
trust each other, it's not goingto be a very healthy relationship.
There's going to be, you know,toxic controlling behaviors,
there's going to be, um, you know,anxious, anxiety, jealousy, um,
when there's no trust, right?
And all of that can lead to a veryunhealthy dynamic in a relationship.
And then R is for respect.
(16:48):
Respect is so important in ahealthy relationship, right?
Knowing that your partner respects you,respects the skills and, and you know,
strengths you bring to the relationship,respects your boundaries, respects your
limits when it comes to, you know, youneed personal recharge time, you need
things that make you feel healthy.
(17:08):
And so just, you know, again, withoutrespect in a relationship, contempt and
resentment starts to build, and thatleads to some really, really ugly, um,
ugly patterns in a relationship, right?
And disrespectful language, communication,um, you know, all of that takes a toll.
So having safety, trust, andrespect are kind of the first three
(17:31):
pillars of a healthy relationship.
Um and then the O N G is kind of where Isay like, you know, If your relationship
is going to survive, we need the S T R.We need the safety, trust, and respect
just for basic relationship survival.
But then if you want to take it tothat next level and make sure that you
keep growing together throughout theyears, I mean, you know, hopefully your
(17:53):
relationship will last your lifetime.
So the O is openness, continuingto be open with each other
about how you're changing.
Whether it's learning newthings, having different needs
at different stages of life, um,and also physical changes, right?
Your bodies are going to changeas you go throughout the years.
Being really open with each other,you know, how are you doing?
(18:15):
You know, are you staying,are you staying connected?
Um, yeah.
So openness is so important to make surea relationship doesn't grow apart, right?
And then N is nurturing, which, youknow, it's so interesting when I was
looking at the research about like, youknow, what's the difference between a
relationship that kind of fits, like, itlooks good on paper but doesn't feel good?
(18:39):
It's that difference of a relationshipthat kind of checks the boxes
versus really feels nurturing andthat the people come to it for
strength and come to it for comfort.
And almost that, like, if I have goodnews, I want to tell my partner because
they're my best friend, they're my spouse.
And I know that they're goingto nurture my dreams, they're
going to be happy for me.
(19:00):
Um, and just, you know, that nurturingaspect of a relationship is kind of
what makes, you know, what looks good onpaper actually feels good in real life.
And then G is that kind of,kind of final fairy dust of a
relationship, which is generosity.
Which is that mindset shift between,you know, again, when I was kind of
(19:23):
going back to the fundamentals ofwhat's, what happens when somebody
stops thinking about themselves andstarts thinking about a couple is
they have to switch from a survivalmindset to a generosity mindset, right?
Because if you're, you know, livingin a cave and you find, you know, a
piece of bread, you're going to keepit for yourself if it's about survival.
(19:46):
But if you're going to thrive in arelationship, you're going to have
to be generous and say, Hey guys,I found a piece of bread, you know?
So that we can all share, andthat we can all survive, and
that you lift everybody together.
Um, so that's that shift from that kind ofselfish mindset to the generous mindset.
And that's really what I see as often,kind of the hardest part of being married
(20:07):
or being in a committed relationshipis it's not all about you anymore.
Where, you know, so, so those arekind of, those are the six pillars
of a strong relationship andit's an easy to remember acronym.
So yeah, that's my book.
Ed Watters (20:23):
I like that a lot.
Yeah.
Now I also was looking aroundthe internet, found that you
talk about a new wave coming overAmerica and around the internet,
it's called the TradWife movement.
(20:45):
And this kind of blew me away thatthere are so many women out there
thinking about being traditional.
And, uh, could you coverthat for us, please?
Kristal DeSantis (20:59):
Yeah, absolutely.
So, you know, I think there's,
so a couple of things, one thingis, you know, I think more people
are looking to kind of slow down andfocus on what's important in life.
(21:20):
You know, this kind of push of towards,you know, more money, more jobs, acquiring
more stuff, and kind of push, push,push, push, push, I want to say since
COVID, it was kind of like the greatreset in a way of like, you know, at the
end of the day, what does it all mean?
What is really important?
What really matters?
(21:40):
Um, and kind of going back to, youknow, at the end of the day, if you
have people who love you, you have afamily that you can pour into, um, and
more of that, like focus on, I guesswhat you would call more of that kind of
traditional values of, you know, at theend of the day, isn't it about family?
Isn't it about community?
(22:00):
Isn't it about living a life thatyou can, you can be proud of, right?
It's not just look howmuch stuff I have, right?
Um, so, you know, and it's, it'sfunny because like anything,
everything can get capitalized on.
Um, so I think what I saw is there'sthis super desire for like slowing
(22:24):
back down, getting more in touch withnature, getting more in touch with,
you know, um, your relationships,your family, nurturing back to that.
And then of course there are thepeople that are going to capitalize
on it and turn it into a, you know,something they can make money off of.
Um, so there is kind of a TradWifemovement of women who are,
(22:48):
you know, showing that they can be,you know, stay at home, bake bread
from scratch, raise their children.
Um, and I guess I want to be carefulbecause some of it is, um, is it, it's
an actual, um, like industry, right?
So these women are actuallymaking a lot of money doing that.
(23:10):
Um, but then there's off,of course, always the,
there are actually those people that havealways focused on those core values and
having those strong kind of families,
um, strong relationships.
That that's their primaryinvestment, right?
And so that traditional value of, at theend of the day, so what if you have all
(23:33):
the money in the world if you don't havetime to spend with your family, right?
So what if you have the coolest car, orthe biggest, baddest job, or, you know,
whatever, you just got some award, if yourwife doesn't like you or your husband,
and you haven't had a conversation aboutanything real in ten years, you know?
Um, and so I am seeing a resurgence,especially among younger generations
(23:56):
of people that are kind of beingreminded that, like at the end of
the day, we don't want to spend ourwhole lives working just to work.
What is the quality of our livesand what does the quality of
our relationships look like?
And that's something I find soencouraging is, you know, at the end
of the day, having the choice to stayat, you know, having the luxury to be
(24:16):
able to have one parent stay at homeand raise the kids or take time off.
Um, I mean, that's, that's alsosomething that I think, um, we need to
really talk about is, you know, where'sthe support system for this, right?
Where's the community that protectsand helps these families that
want to have that lifestyle?
(24:36):
Otherwise, it's super hard, um, whichis a shame because, you know, you
should be able to make the choicethat works for your family and
have a society that supports you.
So anyway, that was a very longwinded answer, but you know?
Ed Watters (24:55):
That, that's great.
You know, that, that'swhat a podcast truly is.
Uh, it's a great thing to think aboutbecause, bottom line, each of us are
responsible for our own relationshipsand we kind of knit together this
concept or a bag to hold it all in.
(25:16):
And basically you carry your own bagand what you make that bag is unique.
And I don't care what John andSusie does, that's their business.
I really want to concentrate on what Ido and how I treat others, regardless of
(25:40):
their race, religion, sexual orientation.
You know, that's none of my business,that's between them and whoever
they have to be together with, youknow, that's none of my business.
And I truly think a lot of thisis part of that slowing down.
(26:00):
Don't get caught into the hype of media.
People are trying to make moneyoff of division, that's for sure.
And I really think a good conversation,even between you and somebody
that you might not agree with isalways going to prevail and show
(26:20):
you you're not so far divided.
You think the same, you actually walka lot of the same values, it's just,
you want your bag to be unique andI think we need to remember that.
Kristal DeSantis (26:38):
Yeah.
And that's really what I, I highlight inmy book is, you know, every relationship
has to be a bespoke relationship, right?
It's tailor made for you and your partner.
And you know, that's, that'skind of a little bit of a mindset
shift for a lot of people.
(26:58):
Because what I found is there are peoplethat feel like, well, no, there's a
script I'm supposed to follow, right?
You grow up, you go to high school,you go to college, you get a job, you
find a partner, you have, you know?
And it's like, at what point do youneed to sit back and say, Hold on,
what is it that I actually want?
And what kind of life doI actually want to create?
(27:21):
Um, And again, these fundamentalsof a healthy relationship, like
you said, like communication, it'sgoing to be valuable no matter
what kind of setup you have, right?
If you both work, if you stayhome, if you have two kids, have
three kids, have no kids, have, youknow, whatever, it doesn't matter.
Having those fundamentals where youboth feel safe, you trust each other,
(27:42):
you respect each other, you can be openwith each other, you know, you nurture
each other's hopes and dreams, andthen ultimately you feel generously,
you know, you have each other's backs.
Um, and yeah.
You know, also I think that'ssomething when you take that personal
accountability to say, It's also my jobto show up that way in my relationship.
(28:04):
Um, it really kind of brings it back hometo, are you ready to be in a relationship?
Are you ready to do the work to investin having a healthy relationship?
Or are you kind of just quoteunquote following the next step of
what you think people are supposedto do at this stage in life?
Oh gosh, I'm twenty-five.
I should probably, like, do itwell or don't do it, you know?
(28:28):
Um, because you deserve, again, like Isee so many people, um, and, you know,
part of my passion population is workingwith first responders and veterans.
And, you know, here are some peoplethat have some of the most fundamental
foundational jobs of our society.
And seeing the impact that a healthyrelationship has on the mental
(28:50):
health, the physical health, theemotional health, the stress level of
somebody who's doing a job like that,
you see how important healthyrelationships are, right?
And so again, no matter what job you do,your, the quality of your relationships
will determine the quality of yourlife in so many different ways, right?
(29:10):
Your personal relationships,your relationships with your
children, your relationships withyour friends, your coworkers.
Um, so just giving yourself kindof that reminder that investing in
your relationship skills, your skillsfor communication, your listening
skills, um, your skills for criticalthinking and being able to talk to
somebody who has a different opinionthan you, um, because believe it or
(29:32):
not, you and your partner are goingto be two different people, right?
You're going to havetwo different opinions.
Um, so really committing to developingthose skills for yourself, um, you
know, for the sake of your own health,your own, you know, mental, relational,
emotional health and wellness, um, isalways just going to be a good investment.
Ed Watters (29:55):
Yeah, I, I really agree with that.
You know, and I see a lot today whereit, we have this like grade school
mentality or high school mentalitygoing along with our society.
And I, I think that's reallyshameful because it shows a lower
(30:16):
emotional intelligence level.
And I, I really, I expect more fromour country than what I've been seeing.
And, and I think a goodrelationship is always a higher
emotional intelligence level.
And when you work on that, you're goingto really enjoy your relationship.
(30:40):
We, we now have so much intent on ourrelationship, we, we do it with intent.
And each week we carve out specialtime just for our relationship,
our communication skill.
(31:01):
We, we actually read books each week.
Uh, we take turns reading to each otherand this actually helps us apply a model
to speak and communicate about whatwe just talked about or read about.
(31:21):
And I think living with that intentionis very important and it's going to
allow people to grow that emotionalintelligence level when they really
put focus on your relationship intent.
Kristal DeSantis (31:39):
Absolutely.
Yes, so much.
You know, it's, it's so interesting howmuch, um, and I, I love to hear that.
I love, I love hearing from people who,um, recognize that, you know, having a
healthy relationship takes intentionality.
It takes investment, um, it takeseffort, but it doesn't necessarily
(32:02):
have to be like, you know, hard work.
It can be like your life's work, right?
But it can be super fulfilling, um, butit's not, it's not nothing, you know?
And that's what, um, I see so often is,there's this emphasis on dating, right?
There's this emphasis onlike, you know, how to get a
(32:22):
partner, how to find a person.
Um, And there's not enough on,well, how do you keep that person?
How do you keep that relationship healthy?
Like, you know, it'd be like, if allof the career advice was only about
getting the interview, it's like, well,then you have to keep the job, right?
(32:43):
Um, and so that's also where I wouldhope that people start to think
of relationships differently it'slike, you know, it's not, and then
they met happily ever after the end.
It's like, that's reallythe start of the story.
Ed Watters (33:00):
Yeah.
I can't agree more, Kristal.
You know, it's funny how things change.
Time equals change no matter who you are.
So tell us about your services thatyou offer people and how, how do people
get ahold of you to work with you?
Kristal DeSantis (33:20):
Yeah, so right now I'm only licensed in Texas.
Um, so I can do therapy inTexas, but, you know, I put out
a lot of stuff on my Instagram.
Um, that's not therapy, butit's more like psychoeducation.
I talk about, you know, I share anykind of resources I find, other book
recommendations, movie recommendations.
(33:42):
Um, I try to, you know, be a connector.
And if somebody reaches out to mefrom somewhere outside of Texas,
um, I have a really good networkamong my therapist friends.
So, you know, please reach out to me.
I'll hook you up with somebodyin your area, um, or lead
you to some online resources.
Because, you know, I'm really passionateabout this work and especially for men.
(34:06):
I know I'm a woman and, you know, Ihave my own little niche, but there are
so many men out there, like yourself,who are helping to elevate men.
And so, you know, I'm always kindof creating a database of resources
for men who want to do the workof, you know, improving their
relationship skills, improving theircommunication, how to be a good listener.
(34:29):
Um, so yeah, people are free to reachout to me on Instagram @ATX therapist.
If you're in Texas and you want towork with me, um, I have a practice
that's virtual and in person in Austin.
Um, my website is just strong.love.
And then, of course, I have my book,you know, which again, I'm all about
sharing the information, um, hopefully.
(34:50):
Not everybody can access therapy,um, you know, it's, it's still not
always the easiest thing to get.
So I wanted to make sure I could, Icould, you know, put as much as I could
in this book, so that if, you know,there's a self motivated man out there
who's like, Gosh, I just don't have thetime to go to therapy, or I, you know,
I just can't find the right fit, um,you know, here's, here's some skills,
(35:12):
here's a starter, here's a primer.
Um, so yeah, my book is on Amazon.
I also did an Audible.
So, you know, if you're on along drive or something, you can
listen to it at your leisure.
Ed Watters (35:27):
Yeah, that's great.
You know, and, and a big thing about booksand, you know, Audible and all of these
videos, a man can sit incognito and helphimself without letting his friends know.
See, and that, that's a big thingto start the development is to give
(35:49):
them the place to be without eyes on.
So I think what you're doingis very important, Kristal.
Uh, do you have a call toaction for our listeners today?
Kristal DeSantis (36:02):
Yeah.
I would say whatever step you taketo invest in yourself, um, take it.
And if it starts with the call to actionof getting this book and, and reading
it, um, or sharing this podcast with afriend, or, you know, um, listening to
the, to the rest of your podcasts, do,do one thing that will take you in the
(36:24):
direction of the type of relationshipsthat you want to have in your life.
You know, one thing I've seen with alot of men is they really tend to be
in the position where they, you know,it's, it's really interesting because for
all the narrative that like all men areso selfish and, you know, narcissistic
and there's a lot of that noise out there.
What my experience has been is oftenmen struggle to put themselves first
(36:48):
to, to give themselves the same kindof care that they would want to give
to somebody else that they love.
And so that's really the call toaction I would say is, you know,
Give yourself the kind of supportthat you would give to a friend.
You know, if you're struggling, ifyou're feeling a little confused in
your relationship, maybe again, you'relike, I'm trying to do everything right.
Why isn't my partner helping?
(37:09):
Um, you know, take that seriouslyand do yourself a favor and,
you know, get my book or startlooking at some resources because,
you know, you deserve to have a good life.
You deserve to have a healthyrelationship, um, and you deserve to
feel empowered and competent, right?
Feeling competent as a man canbe really, um, mentally a real
(37:31):
positive mental state, right?
Feeling powerful, feeling competent.
So if you don't feel like that,take it seriously and reach out.
Ed Watters (37:42):
Yeah, I like it.
Uh, Kristal, it's been a goodconversation today and I want to say
thank you for sharing with us and beinghere today with us on the podcast.
Kristal DeSantis (37:55):
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
Ed Watters (37:58):
Thank you for joining us today.
If you found this podcast enlightening,entertaining, educational in any way,
please share, like, subscribe, and joinus right back here next week for another
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.
I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoyyour afternoon wherever you might be.
To overcome, you must educate.
Educate not only yourself, buteducate anyone seeking to learn.
We are all Dead America,we can all learn something.
To learn, we must challengewhat we already understand.
(00:26):
The way we do that isthrough conversation.
Sometimes we have conversations withothers, however, some of the best
conversations happen with ourselves.
Reach out and challenge yourself; let'sdive in and learn something new right now.
(00:54):
Today, we are speakingwith Kristal DeSantis.
She is a licensed marriage and familytherapist, and she is also an author.
Her book is Strong, A RelationshipField Guide for the Modern Man.
Kristal, could you please introduceyourself and let people know just
(01:14):
a little more about you, please?
Kristal DeSantis (01:17):
Hi, so I'm Kristal DeSantis, and like you said, I'm a
licensed marriage and family therapist.
Um, I am married, I live in Austin, Ihave two dogs and a big, big chubby cat.
And yeah, as an author, uh, Strong,Relationship Field Guide for the Modern
(01:39):
Man is my first book, my only book so far.
And yeah, I'm excited to be hereand have this conversation with you.
Ed Watters (01:48):
Yeah, it's, it's great having you because this is kind of
one of those things that people reallyneed to speak up about right now.
Especially in our time, the modern man.
Could you emphasize and explain whatthat means to you, first of all?
Kristal DeSantis (02:07):
Yeah.
I think, you know, the way I am using itin the book and what I'm talking about
is it's basically any man that's tryingto navigate the modern world right now.
Um, that is maybe noticing a break fromthe traditional models of masculinity
or kind of the traditional relationshiproles that men have maybe in the
(02:32):
past, or, you know, past generations.
Um, it was maybe a little bit moreclear, like kind of the roles of men
and, you know, what was expected of them.
And in the modern world, it's just thingshave gotten a lot more complicated.
So I just wanted to speak to kindof what I noticed a lot of modern
men were struggling with, which is,you know, how do we navigate all of
(02:53):
these, all of these new rules, allof these new paths, um, all of these
new conversations, and all of thesenew changes without losing ourselves?
Ed Watters (03:02):
Yeah, that's very interesting.
I find it kind of difficult at timesbecause, you know, you never know whose
toes you are going to step on anymore.
And that gets a little confrontational,if you will, for many people.
So, you know, it's important tohave conversations, especially about
(03:24):
men and women working together.
Relationship,
it's a big thing.
And a big part of that is alwaysgoing to be communication.
So what we're doing here is we're openingup conversation pathways for individuals.
And I think that is reallywhere most people are going to
(03:47):
reconcile their differences.
From my personal experiences, I understandthat communicating with my wife about who
and what she is, no matter what I thinkwho and what she is, it's very important.
So, communication is abig part of relationship.
(04:10):
What's your take onrelationship communication?
Kristal DeSantis (04:17):
I'd say that's probably the main thing that brings
people to come to see me for couplescounseling, right, is, you know, when
I'm asking them what brings you here?
Often, kind of the number one thingis we have communication issues.
Um, and, you know, as, as I'm sureyou, you know, and you've, you know,
(04:37):
experienced and taught is, you know,sometimes communication issues are, is
a symptom of a deeper disconnection.
But also a lot of things can berectified through better communication,
right?
And so it is, it is a really crucialpart of healthy relationships.
And especially, like you said,navigating, um, you know, what might
(05:00):
seem like a big divide between men andwomen or, you know, there's a lot of
noise out there about, you know, womenare like this, or men are like this.
But ultimately what I found at the endof the day is, you know, people that
want to be in healthy relationships justwant the skills to be able to communicate
with their partner and to make theirrelationship work for them so they can
(05:22):
both be happy, and connected, and healthyand thriving, and create the lives
and the family that they want to have.
And so I really wanted to speak tothat, you know, those people that,
you know, regardless of all the noiseout there, they wanted to listen
to each other and make it work.
Ed Watters (05:39):
Yeah, that's huge.
You know, people can't be afraidof the no, when you get told
no, I don't agree with you.
You know, sometimes disagreementscome because there's problems.
And if you have a disagreement,that's the best time to really know
(06:02):
who and understand who you are.
It's, it's kind of trickyto navigate at times.
And, you know, there's unique challengesthat you say men face in today's society.
Could you talk to us about that?
Kristal DeSantis (06:21):
Yeah.
I think, you know, part of, kind ofthe premise of my book was naming that,
you know, a lot of men, um, and thisis, you know, just based on research.
Um, but also in my conversationswith men is, you know, they kind of
felt like how they were raised toshow up in a relationship like, you
(06:45):
know, you got to have a good job,you know, happy wife, happy life,
be the protector, be the provider.
You know, she wants kids, make sureshe can stay home and raise them
and you got to go pay the bills.
And, you know, um, is that, thatwasn't necessarily working to make
their marriages happy anymore.
Um, and so that's kind of thepurpose of this book is, you know,
(07:08):
it's like, I heard a lot of mensaying like, I'm a really good man.
Why is my wife saying I'm a bad partner?
And it's, you know, and so reallykind of navigating that difference
that, you know, what, what makesyou a good man when it comes to, you
know, the character qualities or, um,the characteristics of what people
perceive a good man are in the world.
(07:29):
Like you have a good job, you have astable income, or whatever it is, doesn't
necessarily translate to being, tohaving the skills to be a good partner.
And I really wanted to say that, youknow, getting the skills to be a good
partner is really just about learning.
And it's about practicing, and it'sabout being vulnerable, and being
open to learning those new skills andhaving those difficult conversations.
(07:52):
Um, and it really doesn't have anythingto do with whether or not you're,
you know, you're worth as a man.
And that's really where I found, um,some really interesting conversations
with a lot of men where, you know,in the past, maybe there was the
emphasis on, you know, if you have agood job, you will be a good partner.
If you are able to bring home the baconand, and provide for your family in that
(08:15):
way, you're automatically a good partner.
Like that's, that's the baseline.
Um, and then same thing, you know, if youwant to protect your family, you know?
Maybe back in the day, thatwas a very cut and dry.
I wouldn't say it was easy, but it wascut and dry as far as like, you know, I
mean, if we go way back is, you got to beable to fight off any intruders, right?
(08:36):
You got to be able to kill any bears,and fight any lions, and, you know,
keep your family safe from, youknow, the marauding hordes of thieves
that might try to steal your farm.
Um, but now, you know, I, I heard alot of men say, like, I still want to
be the protector, but I, I don't knowhow modern women want to be protected.
(08:57):
Like, you know, I don't want to be,uh, overbearing, I don't want to be
a creep, I don't want, you know, toget labeled as something that I'm not.
So how do I embody this kind ofmasculine urge that I have to be a
protector in my family, um, withoutbeing perceived as controlling, or
aggressive, or something negative?
(09:17):
Um, and so that's really what, you know,kind of was coming up for me when I
was writing this book is, you know, howcan, how can we honor that, you know?
These masculine traits are very,very necessary, very present, very
important, and yet they do look differentin a modern relationship, right?
Where maybe there is dual income,you're not the sole provider, you
(09:40):
know, what does that mean then?
What else can you provide?
Uh, same thing, they, you know, your wifemight not need you to fight everyone on
your neighborhood and, you know, fightthe HOA, but how else can you show up
as a protector in the relationship?
Ed Watters (09:57):
Yeah, it's very tough.
Especially if you're a young man today.
And, you know, I remember theinsecurities that I used to feel.
It, it was tough just beingwhat was perceived to be a man.
And it really wasn't, it was a facade.
(10:18):
And many, many times all it wouldhave taken was sit down and actually
have that tough conversation.
We, we feel uncomfortablesometimes because we don't want
to offend the person that we love.
And it's kind of troubling that men aregetting a bad name, but it's, it's not,
(10:45):
not a bad thing per se, really, becausemen need to wake up in a big way, too.
Look, we, we have to allow our wives,our partners, to be who they are.
And if we're deep in arelationship, we should have
already known who they are anyway.
(11:07):
And that means allowingthem to communicate.
And, you know, if they have anissue with you, you need to let
them address that and hear it.
My wife used to say, Well, you neverhear me, it goes over your head.
And she's right.
I was so busy trying to play that rolethat I assumed I heard what she said.
(11:34):
And sometimes that's troubling becausewhen we play it back, I didn't hear
forty percent of what my wife said to me.
So there is a trouble spot.
When we are providers, we haveto stop and be a good listener.
(11:56):
Because if we can't know whatis troubling our partner, how
can we protect them from it?
So it's back to that communicationthing again, isn't it?
Kristal DeSantis (12:09):
And this is really where, you know, I often say, you know,
most of the people that come to see me,when they say communication issues, you
know, I often like to point out like,well, you know, both of you clearly
are able to communicate well, likeyou both have jobs, you know, you've
completed education, you're, you'vemade the appointment to come see me.
(12:30):
So, you know, when we talk aboutcommunication, it's not so much
simply about transmitting information,but it's about, like you said, that
understanding on the deeper level.
Of, you know, sometimes communicatingabout more vulnerable issues, right?
How do we, how do we listento that without defensiveness?
Without, like you said, kind of, itgoes in one ear, it goes out the other.
(12:53):
Or you're listening to defend yourself andsay, Well, that's really not how it goes.
Or, you know, it goes throughyour own filter of what you
think they want from you.
Um, and so really that communicationis, you know, and I, in my book and
part of the work I do with couplesis, I also talk about how, you know,
men and women do get socialized tocommunicate very differently, right?
(13:15):
That's just kind of, you know,the reality of the way, you know,
little girls and little boys getsocialized with their friend groups.
Um, and so then you put these two peoplein a relationship and expect them to
kind of communicate well and then peopleare surprised when it doesn't happen.
And so that's also something Ialso want to talk about is, one
(13:36):
is not better than the other.
But it's like having two peoplefrom two different countries,
two different cultures that speakdifferent languages, you know?
And you throw them in a room andsay, All right, now figure this out.
They're going to struggle.
So finding those kind of common pointsof communication that like, Hey, when
I say blank, this is what I mean.
(13:57):
And then when you say blank,this is what you mean.
Um, and so yeah, I talk about the kindof four positions of conversation that
often women are socialized to listenand join with each other, right?
So they just like, theyhold space for each other.
They empathize.
Oh my gosh, girl, that was so hard.
I'm so sorry to hear that, right?
(14:19):
They join with the experience.
Um, whereas again, and it's not totallycut and dry, but what I often see
is men are socialized to fix things.
You know, if your buddy's like,Man, my TV is, you know, acting up.
It's like, well, you're not justtelling, telling me that so I
can go, Oh, that sucks, man.
You can't watch your favorite shows.
It's you're telling me soI can give you a solution.
(14:42):
Um, so thinking, and then also debating,that's something else I saw that when
it comes to men socializing with men,often they find a lot of bonding in,
like, kind of intellectual debate.
Um, Which again is very bonding, butwhen you put it in a relationship with
somebody who's looking to be listenedto, and you come at them with debate,
(15:04):
it, it immediately causes a conflict.
Yeah, so again, just like, yeah.
Ed Watters (15:11):
Yeah, I like that a lot.
Uh, your book, you say it's based onsix pillars of a good relationship.
Could you tell us more about that?
Kristal DeSantis (15:23):
Yeah.
So that was something, youknow, as a therapist, I wanted
to kind of boil things down.
You know, when we talk about relationshipissues, we talk about communication,
sometimes it can feel really overwhelming.
Like, what does it mean tohave a good relationship?
Um, and who gets to set that standard?
(15:43):
So I really wanted to boil it down tokind of like the psychological pillars of
what a healthy relationship looks like.
Um, so these are the six pillars.
Um, number one is safety.
So a healthy relationship isa safe relationship, right?
Not only physically safe where, you know,there's no physical violence or, um,
(16:04):
you know, throwing things when you'reupset, but also emotional safety, right?
That you can be yourself, you canbe heard, you can be listened to.
And at the end of the day,your conflict doesn't escalate
to a point that feels unsafe.
Alright, so safety in a relationshipis kind of fundamental, so that's the
S. The T is trust, which, obviously,I think, you know, if you don't
(16:27):
trust each other, it's not goingto be a very healthy relationship.
There's going to be, you know,toxic controlling behaviors,
there's going to be, um, you know,anxious, anxiety, jealousy, um,
when there's no trust, right?
And all of that can lead to a veryunhealthy dynamic in a relationship.
And then R is for respect.
(16:48):
Respect is so important in ahealthy relationship, right?
Knowing that your partner respects you,respects the skills and, and you know,
strengths you bring to the relationship,respects your boundaries, respects your
limits when it comes to, you know, youneed personal recharge time, you need
things that make you feel healthy.
(17:08):
And so just, you know, again, withoutrespect in a relationship, contempt and
resentment starts to build, and thatleads to some really, really ugly, um,
ugly patterns in a relationship, right?
And disrespectful language, communication,um, you know, all of that takes a toll.
So having safety, trust, andrespect are kind of the first three
(17:31):
pillars of a healthy relationship.
Um and then the O N G is kind of where Isay like, you know, If your relationship
is going to survive, we need the S T R.We need the safety, trust, and respect
just for basic relationship survival.
But then if you want to take it tothat next level and make sure that you
keep growing together throughout theyears, I mean, you know, hopefully your
(17:53):
relationship will last your lifetime.
So the O is openness, continuingto be open with each other
about how you're changing.
Whether it's learning newthings, having different needs
at different stages of life, um,and also physical changes, right?
Your bodies are going to changeas you go throughout the years.
Being really open with each other,you know, how are you doing?
(18:15):
You know, are you staying,are you staying connected?
Um, yeah.
So openness is so important to make surea relationship doesn't grow apart, right?
And then N is nurturing, which, youknow, it's so interesting when I was
looking at the research about like, youknow, what's the difference between a
relationship that kind of fits, like, itlooks good on paper but doesn't feel good?
(18:39):
It's that difference of a relationshipthat kind of checks the boxes
versus really feels nurturing andthat the people come to it for
strength and come to it for comfort.
And almost that, like, if I have goodnews, I want to tell my partner because
they're my best friend, they're my spouse.
And I know that they're goingto nurture my dreams, they're
going to be happy for me.
(19:00):
Um, and just, you know, that nurturingaspect of a relationship is kind of
what makes, you know, what looks good onpaper actually feels good in real life.
And then G is that kind of,kind of final fairy dust of a
relationship, which is generosity.
Which is that mindset shift between,you know, again, when I was kind of
(19:23):
going back to the fundamentals ofwhat's, what happens when somebody
stops thinking about themselves andstarts thinking about a couple is
they have to switch from a survivalmindset to a generosity mindset, right?
Because if you're, you know, livingin a cave and you find, you know, a
piece of bread, you're going to keepit for yourself if it's about survival.
(19:46):
But if you're going to thrive in arelationship, you're going to have
to be generous and say, Hey guys,I found a piece of bread, you know?
So that we can all share, andthat we can all survive, and
that you lift everybody together.
Um, so that's that shift from that kind ofselfish mindset to the generous mindset.
And that's really what I see as often,kind of the hardest part of being married
(20:07):
or being in a committed relationshipis it's not all about you anymore.
Where, you know, so, so those arekind of, those are the six pillars
of a strong relationship andit's an easy to remember acronym.
So yeah, that's my book.
Ed Watters (20:23):
I like that a lot.
Yeah.
Now I also was looking aroundthe internet, found that you
talk about a new wave coming overAmerica and around the internet,
it's called the TradWife movement.
(20:45):
And this kind of blew me away thatthere are so many women out there
thinking about being traditional.
And, uh, could you coverthat for us, please?
Kristal DeSantis (20:59):
Yeah, absolutely.
So, you know, I think there's,
so a couple of things, one thingis, you know, I think more people
are looking to kind of slow down andfocus on what's important in life.
(21:20):
You know, this kind of push of towards,you know, more money, more jobs, acquiring
more stuff, and kind of push, push,push, push, push, I want to say since
COVID, it was kind of like the greatreset in a way of like, you know, at the
end of the day, what does it all mean?
What is really important?
What really matters?
(21:40):
Um, and kind of going back to, youknow, at the end of the day, if you
have people who love you, you have afamily that you can pour into, um, and
more of that, like focus on, I guesswhat you would call more of that kind of
traditional values of, you know, at theend of the day, isn't it about family?
Isn't it about community?
(22:00):
Isn't it about living a life thatyou can, you can be proud of, right?
It's not just look howmuch stuff I have, right?
Um, so, you know, and it's, it'sfunny because like anything,
everything can get capitalized on.
Um, so I think what I saw is there'sthis super desire for like slowing
(22:24):
back down, getting more in touch withnature, getting more in touch with,
you know, um, your relationships,your family, nurturing back to that.
And then of course there are thepeople that are going to capitalize
on it and turn it into a, you know,something they can make money off of.
Um, so there is kind of a TradWifemovement of women who are,
(22:48):
you know, showing that they can be,you know, stay at home, bake bread
from scratch, raise their children.
Um, and I guess I want to be carefulbecause some of it is, um, is it, it's
an actual, um, like industry, right?
So these women are actuallymaking a lot of money doing that.
(23:10):
Um, but then there's off,of course, always the,
there are actually those people that havealways focused on those core values and
having those strong kind of families,
um, strong relationships.
That that's their primaryinvestment, right?
And so that traditional value of, at theend of the day, so what if you have all
(23:33):
the money in the world if you don't havetime to spend with your family, right?
So what if you have the coolest car, orthe biggest, baddest job, or, you know,
whatever, you just got some award, if yourwife doesn't like you or your husband,
and you haven't had a conversation aboutanything real in ten years, you know?
Um, and so I am seeing a resurgence,especially among younger generations
(23:56):
of people that are kind of beingreminded that, like at the end of
the day, we don't want to spend ourwhole lives working just to work.
What is the quality of our livesand what does the quality of
our relationships look like?
And that's something I find soencouraging is, you know, at the end
of the day, having the choice to stayat, you know, having the luxury to be
(24:16):
able to have one parent stay at homeand raise the kids or take time off.
Um, I mean, that's, that's alsosomething that I think, um, we need to
really talk about is, you know, where'sthe support system for this, right?
Where's the community that protectsand helps these families that
want to have that lifestyle?
(24:36):
Otherwise, it's super hard, um, whichis a shame because, you know, you
should be able to make the choicethat works for your family and
have a society that supports you.
So anyway, that was a very longwinded answer, but you know?
Ed Watters (24:55):
That, that's great.
You know, that, that'swhat a podcast truly is.
Uh, it's a great thing to think aboutbecause, bottom line, each of us are
responsible for our own relationshipsand we kind of knit together this
concept or a bag to hold it all in.
(25:16):
And basically you carry your own bagand what you make that bag is unique.
And I don't care what John andSusie does, that's their business.
I really want to concentrate on what Ido and how I treat others, regardless of
(25:40):
their race, religion, sexual orientation.
You know, that's none of my business,that's between them and whoever
they have to be together with, youknow, that's none of my business.
And I truly think a lot of thisis part of that slowing down.
(26:00):
Don't get caught into the hype of media.
People are trying to make moneyoff of division, that's for sure.
And I really think a good conversation,even between you and somebody
that you might not agree with isalways going to prevail and show
(26:20):
you you're not so far divided.
You think the same, you actually walka lot of the same values, it's just,
you want your bag to be unique andI think we need to remember that.
Kristal DeSantis (26:38):
Yeah.
And that's really what I, I highlight inmy book is, you know, every relationship
has to be a bespoke relationship, right?
It's tailor made for you and your partner.
And you know, that's, that'skind of a little bit of a mindset
shift for a lot of people.
(26:58):
Because what I found is there are peoplethat feel like, well, no, there's a
script I'm supposed to follow, right?
You grow up, you go to high school,you go to college, you get a job, you
find a partner, you have, you know?
And it's like, at what point do youneed to sit back and say, Hold on,
what is it that I actually want?
And what kind of life doI actually want to create?
(27:21):
Um, And again, these fundamentalsof a healthy relationship, like
you said, like communication, it'sgoing to be valuable no matter
what kind of setup you have, right?
If you both work, if you stayhome, if you have two kids, have
three kids, have no kids, have, youknow, whatever, it doesn't matter.
Having those fundamentals where youboth feel safe, you trust each other,
(27:42):
you respect each other, you can be openwith each other, you know, you nurture
each other's hopes and dreams, andthen ultimately you feel generously,
you know, you have each other's backs.
Um, and yeah.
You know, also I think that'ssomething when you take that personal
accountability to say, It's also my jobto show up that way in my relationship.
(28:04):
Um, it really kind of brings it back hometo, are you ready to be in a relationship?
Are you ready to do the work to investin having a healthy relationship?
Or are you kind of just quoteunquote following the next step of
what you think people are supposedto do at this stage in life?
Oh gosh, I'm twenty-five.
I should probably, like, do itwell or don't do it, you know?
(28:28):
Um, because you deserve, again, like Isee so many people, um, and, you know,
part of my passion population is workingwith first responders and veterans.
And, you know, here are some peoplethat have some of the most fundamental
foundational jobs of our society.
And seeing the impact that a healthyrelationship has on the mental
(28:50):
health, the physical health, theemotional health, the stress level of
somebody who's doing a job like that,
you see how important healthyrelationships are, right?
And so again, no matter what job you do,your, the quality of your relationships
will determine the quality of yourlife in so many different ways, right?
(29:10):
Your personal relationships,your relationships with your
children, your relationships withyour friends, your coworkers.
Um, so just giving yourself kindof that reminder that investing in
your relationship skills, your skillsfor communication, your listening
skills, um, your skills for criticalthinking and being able to talk to
somebody who has a different opinionthan you, um, because believe it or
(29:32):
not, you and your partner are goingto be two different people, right?
You're going to havetwo different opinions.
Um, so really committing to developingthose skills for yourself, um, you
know, for the sake of your own health,your own, you know, mental, relational,
emotional health and wellness, um, isalways just going to be a good investment.
Ed Watters (29:55):
Yeah, I, I really agree with that.
You know, and I see a lot today whereit, we have this like grade school
mentality or high school mentalitygoing along with our society.
And I, I think that's reallyshameful because it shows a lower
(30:16):
emotional intelligence level.
And I, I really, I expect more fromour country than what I've been seeing.
And, and I think a goodrelationship is always a higher
emotional intelligence level.
And when you work on that, you're goingto really enjoy your relationship.
(30:40):
We, we now have so much intent on ourrelationship, we, we do it with intent.
And each week we carve out specialtime just for our relationship,
our communication skill.
(31:01):
We, we actually read books each week.
Uh, we take turns reading to each otherand this actually helps us apply a model
to speak and communicate about whatwe just talked about or read about.
(31:21):
And I think living with that intentionis very important and it's going to
allow people to grow that emotionalintelligence level when they really
put focus on your relationship intent.
Kristal DeSantis (31:39):
Absolutely.
Yes, so much.
You know, it's, it's so interesting howmuch, um, and I, I love to hear that.
I love, I love hearing from people who,um, recognize that, you know, having a
healthy relationship takes intentionality.
It takes investment, um, it takeseffort, but it doesn't necessarily
(32:02):
have to be like, you know, hard work.
It can be like your life's work, right?
But it can be super fulfilling, um, butit's not, it's not nothing, you know?
And that's what, um, I see so often is,there's this emphasis on dating, right?
There's this emphasis onlike, you know, how to get a
(32:22):
partner, how to find a person.
Um, And there's not enough on,well, how do you keep that person?
How do you keep that relationship healthy?
Like, you know, it'd be like, if allof the career advice was only about
getting the interview, it's like, well,then you have to keep the job, right?
(32:43):
Um, and so that's also where I wouldhope that people start to think
of relationships differently it'slike, you know, it's not, and then
they met happily ever after the end.
It's like, that's reallythe start of the story.
Ed Watters (33:00):
Yeah.
I can't agree more, Kristal.
You know, it's funny how things change.
Time equals change no matter who you are.
So tell us about your services thatyou offer people and how, how do people
get ahold of you to work with you?
Kristal DeSantis (33:20):
Yeah, so right now I'm only licensed in Texas.
Um, so I can do therapy inTexas, but, you know, I put out
a lot of stuff on my Instagram.
Um, that's not therapy, butit's more like psychoeducation.
I talk about, you know, I share anykind of resources I find, other book
recommendations, movie recommendations.
(33:42):
Um, I try to, you know, be a connector.
And if somebody reaches out to mefrom somewhere outside of Texas,
um, I have a really good networkamong my therapist friends.
So, you know, please reach out to me.
I'll hook you up with somebodyin your area, um, or lead
you to some online resources.
Because, you know, I'm really passionateabout this work and especially for men.
(34:06):
I know I'm a woman and, you know, Ihave my own little niche, but there are
so many men out there, like yourself,who are helping to elevate men.
And so, you know, I'm always kindof creating a database of resources
for men who want to do the workof, you know, improving their
relationship skills, improving theircommunication, how to be a good listener.
(34:29):
Um, so yeah, people are free to reachout to me on Instagram @ATX therapist.
If you're in Texas and you want towork with me, um, I have a practice
that's virtual and in person in Austin.
Um, my website is just strong.love.
And then, of course, I have my book,you know, which again, I'm all about
sharing the information, um, hopefully.
(34:50):
Not everybody can access therapy,um, you know, it's, it's still not
always the easiest thing to get.
So I wanted to make sure I could, Icould, you know, put as much as I could
in this book, so that if, you know,there's a self motivated man out there
who's like, Gosh, I just don't have thetime to go to therapy, or I, you know,
I just can't find the right fit, um,you know, here's, here's some skills,
(35:12):
here's a starter, here's a primer.
Um, so yeah, my book is on Amazon.
I also did an Audible.
So, you know, if you're on along drive or something, you can
listen to it at your leisure.
Ed Watters (35:27):
Yeah, that's great.
You know, and, and a big thing about booksand, you know, Audible and all of these
videos, a man can sit incognito and helphimself without letting his friends know.
See, and that, that's a big thingto start the development is to give
(35:49):
them the place to be without eyes on.
So I think what you're doingis very important, Kristal.
Uh, do you have a call toaction for our listeners today?
Kristal DeSantis (36:02):
Yeah.
I would say whatever step you taketo invest in yourself, um, take it.
And if it starts with the call to actionof getting this book and, and reading
it, um, or sharing this podcast with afriend, or, you know, um, listening to
the, to the rest of your podcasts, do,do one thing that will take you in the
(36:24):
direction of the type of relationshipsthat you want to have in your life.
You know, one thing I've seen with alot of men is they really tend to be
in the position where they, you know,it's, it's really interesting because for
all the narrative that like all men areso selfish and, you know, narcissistic
and there's a lot of that noise out there.
What my experience has been is oftenmen struggle to put themselves first
(36:48):
to, to give themselves the same kindof care that they would want to give
to somebody else that they love.
And so that's really the call toaction I would say is, you know,
Give yourself the kind of supportthat you would give to a friend.
You know, if you're struggling, ifyou're feeling a little confused in
your relationship, maybe again, you'relike, I'm trying to do everything right.
Why isn't my partner helping?
(37:09):
Um, you know, take that seriouslyand do yourself a favor and,
you know, get my book or startlooking at some resources because,
you know, you deserve to have a good life.
You deserve to have a healthyrelationship, um, and you deserve to
feel empowered and competent, right?
Feeling competent as a man canbe really, um, mentally a real
(37:31):
positive mental state, right?
Feeling powerful, feeling competent.
So if you don't feel like that,take it seriously and reach out.
Ed Watters (37:42):
Yeah, I like it.
Uh, Kristal, it's been a goodconversation today and I want to say
thank you for sharing with us and beinghere today with us on the podcast.
Kristal DeSantis (37:55):
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
Ed Watters (37:58):
Thank you for joining us today.
If you found this podcast enlightening,entertaining, educational in any way,
please share, like, subscribe, and joinus right back here next week for another
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.
I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoyyour afternoon wherever you might be.
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