November 26, 2024 • 48 mins
My Prison Transformation Story - A Faith and Recovery Story is an inspiring interview with Portia Louder, who shares her powerful journey of overcoming adversity and finding redemption. In this heartfelt conversation with Stephanie Eccles on "Dear Daughters of God," Portia opens up about her struggles with addiction, the challenges of being a single mother, and the life-altering experience of serving nearly five years in federal prison. Portia reflects on the profound spiritual transformation she underwent during her incarceration, where she rediscovered her faith and purpose as a daughter of God. She speaks about her work as an advocate, author, and volunteer chaplain, sharing her story to help others. Watch this moving episode to learn about Portia's journey of recovery, the lessons she learned, and how her faith guided her through even the darkest times.
Thanks for listening! I'm on Instagram as deardaughtersofgod. Follow me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/invites/contact/?i=1iyjqx0cq4kbk&utm_content=qr66nqv
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-1 (00:00):
Welcome to Dear Daughters of God.
(00:02):
This is episode 16.
my prison transformation story.
Microphone (Samson Q2U Micro (00:05):
My name is Stephanie Eccles.
I'm a school administrator,natural storyteller, and I am a
daughter of God.
I tell the stories of our livesfrom the perspective of the
gospel of Jesus Christ.
Welcome, Dear Daughters of God.
I address you that way becausethat's what you are to Him.
To our Heavenly Father, you aredear.
(00:27):
Feel free to join us on ourYouTube channel, Dear Daughters
of God, so you can see the videoof our guest Portia Lauder and
the many pictures she providedthat help portray this
incredible story that you'reabout to hear.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (00:40):
This is such a special day.
We have a guest.
Her name is Portia Louder.
I got to meet Portia throughanother one of our guests named
Akka Tufuga Setefago she was onour previous
Stephanie test (00:56):
episode, episode number 11.
And
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024 (00:59):
I mentioned Portia in that
episode.
So if you haven't heard that,you can go back and listen to
that.
But Portia, I got to meet Portiain the temple.
She was an escort to Akka asAkka was there for the first
time the two of them met whileserving time in Dublin.
(01:19):
Portia, thank you for joining ustoday.
Welcome to Dear Daughters ofGod.
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (01:23):
Thank you so much for having me,
Stephanie.
Stephanie test (01:26):
Yes.
Yes.
It's my pleasure.
It was such a thrill to meetPortia after we went to the
temple together.
We got some time to go to lunchtogether and I got to know
Portia a little bit and thoughtthis is an incredible woman.
Oh my goodness, what a journeyshe's taken what a A woman of
service, I want to know herbetter.
(01:46):
She just dedicates
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (01:48):
her life to doing the work of our
Heavenly Father.
then I learned that she'swritten this book.
before I get too far.
Let me give you her formalintroduction Portia Louder spent
four and a half years of herlife in prison.
Portia is a writer, she's aspeaker, photographer, and
advocate.
She works with at risk youth andis a volunteer chaplain in jails
(02:10):
and prisons.
Portia shares her story everytwo weeks with new missionaries
at the MTC, which stands forMissionary Training Center, in
Provo, Utah.
And she authored a book titled,Living Louder, A Compassionate
Journey Through Federal
Stephanie test (02:28):
Prison.
What is so astonishing
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10- (02:31):
about Portia's story is not so much
that she found the guts and thetenacity to climb out of some
seemingly impossible situations,but that she describes those
situations with deep affection.
Portia invites us to see theworld from a different
perspective.
Portia and her husband, Chad,have six children and five
(02:55):
grandchildren.
They live in Saratoga Springs,Utah, and enjoy the simple
things in life.
Microphone (2- Samson (03:01):
Remember to like and subscribe this video
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-1 (03:05):
Portia, when I was reading your book, I
thought, Every three pages,because the chapters are short
and they were about three pageslong, I couldn't go more than
three pages without stopping andsaying, we've got to include
that part in the interview.
No, we've got to include thatpart.
No, that part.
I thought this interview wouldbe six hours long.
(03:27):
Because every story was somoving.
I thought the audience couldn'tmiss it.
They couldn't understand theimportance of the passion and
the goodness.
of Portia and the adversity thatshe went through and where she
is today without hearing thisparticular story.
I just didn't know how it couldbe done.
(03:48):
So there it is.
you've got to get the bookLiving Louder, A Compassionate
Journey Through Federal Prisonto really understand this
because you won't have six hourstoday.
We only have Portia for a fewminutes.
So Portia.
we know what a godly woman youare now and I have an idea of
(04:09):
the adversity that you've gonethrough to get here, but they do
not.
Will you give us a sketch ofyour life?
Help us understand what you'vegone through to get where you
are today.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024 (04:22):
Yes.
Thank you so much for thisopportunity and all those kind
words.
So I don't know that I'mdeserving of all those nice
things, but I will share alittle bit about me.
I grew up in Utah.
On the outskirts of a small townin Utah.
I am the oldest of sevenchildren.
My parents were members of thechurch of Jesus Christ of Latter
(04:43):
day Saints.
They came with their ownstruggles.
My dad was a Vietnam vet who hadPTSD and.
And he was pretty uptight.
My mother was, her mother passedwhen she was young and her life
was really chaotic.
And she went down the path ofbeing a hippie, no structure, no
rules and very creative woman.
(05:05):
so we grew up in the country andwith no rules and they had seven
children.
So there was just a lot ofchaos.
Literally we could go anywhere.
Go to bed when we want, get upwhen we want, brush our teeth if
we want, and go to school if wewant.
So there wasn't any rules.
Um, but we did fun things.
I don't remember really feelingthe Spirit a lot when I was
(05:26):
young because there wasn't a lotof peace.
But I love my parents.
And appreciate all the goodthings that they blessed me
with.
I really started to strugglewhen I was in my teen years.
My first struggle was withrelationships being 12 and 13
years old, you're trying tofigure out who you are.
And I had no idea who I was, butI figured that if other boys,
(05:47):
especially older boys liked me,that must be a pretty good
thing.
I struggled with that and Istarted to drink really went
inactive in the church when Iwas 13 and then ended up
pregnant for the first time whenI was 17, it's interesting when
I look back and think aboutmyself, I just have a lot of
compassion for myself.
I see myself as this 17 year oldlittle girl that had no idea who
(06:10):
she was, scared to death, Idropped out of high school.
And moved into a low incomeapartment.
And I remember I was on welfareat the time.
I got a GD because you had toget the welfare, didn't see
myself as really able to domuch.
I figured that if I got married,everything would be okay.
I just need to find someone tomarry me.
(06:30):
And I met somebody that was alot older than me.
He was 28 and I was 18 and hemade me this offer.
You should marry me because Ican take care of you.
And I said, let's do it.
I just was, were, we knew eachother about a month.
I have compassion for him andmyself really looking back, but
the marriage wasn't ideal.
It wasn't my forever love.
(06:52):
And so about that time, myparents moved to Salt Lake with
my brothers and sisters I'dnever been to the city.
I'd never experienced it.
Salt Lake, I remember visitingfor the first time and just
being, wow, like this, there's awhole world outside of this
little town that I grew up in.
And thinking that I couldprobably get a job or do
something with my life.
(07:13):
My uncle owned photo studios inthe mall at the time, and he
said he would hire me.
And so I went home and told myhusband that I wanted to move
and we should move up to thecity.
And he said I'm never leavingthis town.
But you're welcome to leave andjust go live with your parents.
Let's just get a quick divorce.
And so you can see we were justso committed not really.
(07:34):
And so that's what I did.
I left the small town I was in,and then I moved to Salt Lake
and my parents, um, were reallysupportive, allowed me to move
in and help take care of my son.
then I found out shortly after Imoved that I was pregnant with
my daughter.
Now that I remember being.
Lonely, really alone.
I called my ex husband and said,Hey, I'm pregnant.
(07:56):
And he said, yeah, I don't wantto be a part of your life.
That was a sad time for me.
I was working.
I also, at that time, my dadmentioned that maybe I would
want to read the Book of Mormonand I'm stubborn.
And so my dad knows better thanto say, you need to do this to
change your life.
And I said, why would I readthat
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (08:14):
book Dad.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (08:14):
and he said,
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (08:15):
Well Because your
portia-louder_1_02-10-2 (08:16):
smarter
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (08:17):
than that Portia
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (08:17):
and
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (08:17):
you haven't even tried
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_1 (08:18):
to read
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (08:19):
the book
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_1 (08:19):
it help you and so That was a good
way to approach it
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-202 (08:23):
so I started reading the book.
but I didn't understand it verywell I just remember it made me
feel better.
Don't you let me bless yourdaughter?
And so we went to the church andI remember looking around again
and thinking.
(08:43):
Everybody's married here.
If I just get married, it'll allbe okay.
Not really knowing inside that Ihad to have that own, my own
relationship with the savior andreally with myself to know who I
was.
I started dating again and I gotpregnant again and I was 23
years old and I was pregnant forthe third time as a single
(09:05):
woman.
I didn't receive child supportwith my two children.
I was scared.
It was like the first time forme that I was really scared.
And I said my first real prayer,which was Heavenly Father.
I don't know what to do.
Please help me.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (09:21):
And I
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02- (09:22):
remember feeling strength, like a
strength that I hadn't feltbefore.
I knew that this child wasn'tmine to keep, that I needed to
place him for adoption.
so I started to look I went toseveral different attorneys.
and when I met, when I saw thepicture of the family that I
knew was supposed to adopt myson.
I told the lawyer, this is thefamily.
(09:43):
He said, that's, they alreadyhave three kids.
And I said, yeah, but it's thefamily.
Like I saw their picture.
I just knew, and he told me thatI would need to meet with other
people, first people thathadn't, didn't have children
and, and I saw where they livedand they didn't live far from my
parents.
And I said I will go to theirhouse and let them know that I'm
placing this child for adoption.
And that I saw their pictureThey, their file had just come
(10:04):
in and he said, okay, I willintroduce you to them.
So I met them.
I knew immediately.
And we, I shared this specialbond with, especially with
David's mother.
And we started on this journeytogether.
They were wonderful.
They supported me through thewhole pregnancy came to every
doctor appointment.
Yeah.
And they were there the day thatI had David and I watched them
(10:26):
hold him for the first time.
then as soon as they walked out,I just felt empty and I had no
idea how to deal with the traumaI had.
I figured if I could just goback to work, I'd be okay, my
heart is just bleeding for you.
I can feel your loneliness.
All those years as a singlemother on your own at age 17,
living in a an apartment onwelfare the loneliness trying to
(10:51):
make it at that age with limitededucation and no one else around
and trying to figure outmotherhood all at the same time.
and then just the feeling ofrejection.
The first husband's Oh thisisn't working.
I'm not interested in this nextbaby.
You're on your own.
I'm this is so much rejectionand I can see why you're so
(11:11):
alone.
My heart's bleeding for you.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_14 (11:14):
I don't think I knew it at the
time.
I just felt so I didn'tunderstand.
That's why I say I can look backat myself and have compassion
because I think.
You had no idea, like you werejust going through all these
hard things and you didn't knowhow to navigate it.
And, it was difficult.
I remember, when David was born,I knew they would be a good
family for my son, but they werealso a support to me.
(11:38):
And part of that was, I love mymother, but my mom.
Wasn't able to, she didn't havethat kind of strength in her.
so even when I told her I wasplacing my son for adoption, she
said just let me raise him.
And I, I remember saying, mom,we're not even that good at
raising kids.
Like either one of us, I'm like,I'm scared, mom.
I can't keep doing this.
(11:59):
It's not fair to my kids, and mydad said, Portia, I know you can
do this.
Like he, but I needed theirsupport.
I needed this family that wasadopting my son.
Yeah.
To support me and believe in mebecause it wasn't easy, that was
a difficult experience,
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (12:13):
Was your father in support of that
adoption?
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (12:16):
yeah, he
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-202 (12:17):
He was in support of that.
That was a brave move.
I'm so impressed that you actedon that inspiration, that
feeling that he, David belongedto another family.
Oh, good for you.
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (12:29):
right as we were getting on the
podcast, that was my son, David,that, and so I'll share, I'll
share that story a little bitlater.
But, after I had David, Iremember feeling a level of
emptiness and loneliness that Ijust hadn't experienced up to
that point.
And I didn't know how to processany of it.
I remember having my mom bringmy children to the hospital.
(12:51):
I should have gotten therapy.
I should have, they were all,looking back now.
I understand that there's thingsI could have done been in a
support group, but I I didn't.
And so doctor wrote me aprescription For Percocet and
which is a narcotic pain killer.
And.
And I just started to use thoseand I thought that would be the
solution and I didn't reallyunderstand how addictive they
(13:13):
were, but it just took away theemptiness for a minute.
And then I, I started lookingfor more of those and became
dependent on prescription drugsand things only got worse for
me.
I lost my job and I eventuallybecame addicted to street drugs
because you can't findprescription drugs all the time.
Then my life went quite a bitworse.
(13:34):
My parents were raising mychildren.
I remember my dad saying that hethought that I might die.
He said I can't help you.
I don't know what to do.
I was gone for days at a timeand, um, I couldn't keep a
promise to myself.
I would try to quit and Icouldn't, it just, it was a
really dark time.
I was recently talking to my dadabout that.
(13:54):
It wasn't just a dark time forme.
It was our whole family.
A lot of chaos at that point.
My, I had other family membersthat were struggling and my dad
was struggling.
that was one of the darkest,loneliest times of my life.
All everybody was.
I remember when I walked in, mymom was always like I've never
heard my mom really give up onher kids.
But when she looked at me, shesaid, I can't imagine what it
(14:16):
would take for you to do this toyour son.
She said, if this isn't enoughfor you to change your life
Portia nothing ever would bebecause all he cares about is
you.
He's been waiting here for youfor hours.
And I remember that night.
I took my son and I walkeddownstairs and I laid on the
floor and I sobbed and I justbegged God to take it from me.
(14:38):
And I just was like in fetalposition, really so broken.
And my son, he came over and hesaid, mom, why are you so sad?
Look at you, mom.
You're so beautiful.
And I just said, geez, such anugly person because no mom,
you're so beautiful.
that night I made a promise thatI would go to any length.
(14:58):
So I, the next morning I askedmy dad who his bishop was.
I hadn't been active in thechurch for years.
I walked over and said, pleasehelp me.
Yeah,
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (15:10):
and said,
portia-louder_1_02-10-20 (15:11):
please And He said, what's going on?
And I, he knew from my parents,how bad I was struggling.
And I said I'm addicted to drugsand I'm, I need help.
And so he called somebody whowas, he was a member of the
church, but he knew him, who wasa friend that he had.
And he said, he's in recoveryand he'll take you to a meeting
and then I'll be your sponsorand I'll help you any way I can.
(15:33):
I went to my first meeting.
I remember.
I had a hard time sitting stillat that point.
I smoked cigarettes too.
So I would leave the meeting togo outside and have a cigarette.
And the man came out and he gaveit to me straight.
He's you're a mess.
And if you want to change yourlife, you need to go back in
there and you need to listen towhat people have to say that
have something that you don't,which is recovery.
(15:55):
And I went in and I rememberHaving hope, like listening to
this man share his story and he,he had been through the things
I've been through, but he wasrecovering.
He had light in him, but Ididn't have.
And so I asked him after themeeting, I said, how do you get
this that you have?
And he handed me the AA big bookand said, this will change your
(16:16):
life.
If you follow this program.
And so I said, okay, I took thebook.
I went back and started workingwith my Bishop and my Bishop
said, Portia, I promise you withpriesthood power and authority
that if you go to church and youread your scriptures and you say
your prayers, your whole lifewill change.
Now I had something going forme, which was that I didn't
(16:37):
trust my own thinking anymore,and I was so desperate.
That I did what he said to do.
And I was so uncomfortable inchurch I didn't feel comfortable
reading my scriptures andprayers felt I was very
separated from our HeavenlyFather, but I did those things
and my whole life started tochange and it wasn't easy.
(16:59):
It took a while,
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-1 (17:00):
really?
It must've been difficult to
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_1 (17:03):
It was very difficult.
I gained a testimony that Godwas doing something for me that
I couldn't do for myself I hadtried so many times to quit and
made promises to myself that Icould never keep.
And so to the fact that I wasjust staying sober, I would go
to these meetings regularly.
I would work with my Bishop andI did what he said to do.
(17:23):
And my life began to change.
I went back to work, um, startedshowing up in my kid's life step
by step.
And about that time I met myhusband, which still blows me
away because Chad had graduatedcollege had been on a mission,
had no kids, no marriages.
I have no idea, why he would.
(17:45):
He would even date me, but hedid, he started to date and he
told me when I asked him whatscared him the most, he said,
everything about you scares me.
Portia you're so scary.
I said, I'm scared of me too,Jeff.
um, it was, I quit looking for aman.
I'm pretty sure that's why Ifound one because I'm really
(18:05):
good at finding The right man.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024 (18:08):
I would say he found you appealing
and interesting and, andcourageous.
Yes.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (18:16):
Oh, he he does find me interesting.
So we come from totallydifferent backgrounds.
His parents are both schoolteachers, very conservative.
It was raised in Afton, Wyoming,Star Valley, and.
He's just a kind, good man.
And we had our struggles, butChad, he could see more in me
than I could see in myself.
(18:36):
And so we got married.
He adopted my first twochildren.
I had separated from the familythat I placed my son, with,
because I just had too much, I,and through my addiction, they
had to step back too.
They could see me spiraling.
I Continued to work at it andChad and I were able to go to
the temple and have our childrensealed to us, which was
(18:59):
miraculous because for me, Iremember thinking, how would I
ever get to the temple?
There's no way, they gave metemple garments.
I was so excited.
I didn't want to ever take mygarments off because I worked
hard to get there.
And, um, I had a lot to learn.
We bought a little house inAmerican fork and I'd go to the
temple every week so that Icould understand it more.
(19:21):
And I started my own company.
Chad had a job at the time,working for a bank and doing
marketing.
And then what happened for me isthat I.
I had two more kids really closetogether.
It's just something for me.
Like I've only tried one time tohave a child.
I get pregnant on birth control.
I get pregnant with, it's justwhat I do.
(19:42):
I get pregnant really easy.
So
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (19:44):
You get pregnant.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_14 (19:45):
I get pregnant.
Yeah.
So we had our first son,Jackson, and then I found out I
was pregnant not long after Ihad Jackson.
They're 18 months apart, Andthen my company really grew.
My photography business grewfrom, I was shooting about 200
weddings a year and I hademployees and we were doing
engagements and bridals and my,I was traveling for some of
(20:06):
those weddings.
And I decided to build a housethat would accommodate the
studio.
I had a studio outside the home.
I had a nanny that was watchingmy kids.
And I was trying to take care ofthese other kids, my older kids
that were, in elementary school.
And then I have young ones.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (20:22):
Yes.
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (20:23):
after our second baby together, I had
a, My back went out to where Iliterally couldn't walk.
I had an injury when I wasyounger, but I was always able
to get through it.
But after I had Sadie, it wentout completely.
And so the doctor, yeah, saidthat I needed to have back being
honest with myself, life was waytoo busy.
I had lost the spirituality.
(20:44):
I wasn't going to the templelike I should.
And I wasn't reading myscriptures first thing in the
morning.
And I was just going.
And I think my integrity wasalready slipping.
When I went to the doctor, Ididn't tell him I had a
prescription drug problem.
He prescribed the drugs.
They were easy.
They just kept prescribing themback then.
It was pretty easy.
I became dependent again onprescription drugs.
(21:05):
And I remember the weight ofthat.
That was a really rough time.
so
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10- (21:10):
sorry that, that happened.
I can see why it was tempting tonot say anything to him at the
same time you were in pain and
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (21:18):
But
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (21:19):
was beginning to spiral.
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (21:20):
yeah, at this point I have learned
enough that I am so directly,I'm so honest with myself and
others because I've lost so muchthrough my addiction.
I ended up getting involved insome real estate deals that, at
the time I thought even toldChad, why don't you quit your
job and stay home and take careof the kids?
Because I have this business andI can make enough money to pay
(21:41):
off her house.
And we can get, I just.
Yeah.
My addiction got worse.
I got involved in illegal realestate deals and man, the way to
that was terrifying, just thefeeling, the fear, the
overwhelming responsibility ofmoney coming and going and, and
then the FBI shows up andthey're investigating me and
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (22:03):
Ah,
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (22:04):
yeah, there's nothing worse than that.
There's probably a few worsethings, but that was pretty bad.
I was so scared looking back ifI could have gotten honest with
myself, if I could have evensaid, okay, so I made these
mistakes.
How do I make it right?
But I literally thought that mywhole identity was on the line.
Like I can't go to prison.
(22:24):
If I go to prison, who will Iever be to anybody?
My husband will leave me.
The church, I'm a member of thechurch.
How will, it just seemedimpossible for me.
And I think just not knowingthat I'm who I am is much deeper
than anything, and just, I don'tknow I've learned through, I
guess in a way, when I finallyended up going to prison, there
(22:45):
was a lot of freedom in it.
There was like freedom from whatanyone else thought, but up to
that point I just kept denyingit and making excuses.
I did do one thing right.
And that was, I talked to mybishop and state president and
asked for support and was veryhonest and open about the things
I was dealing with.
And because of that, they reallyworked with me.
(23:05):
There was a long period of timethat I was under investigation
and supported me.
I was able to keep my TempleRecommend and go to the temple.
And I was in the process ofrepentance, even as.
I was under investigation.
And because I hadn't been reallyvery cooperative with the
government or FBI, when it cametime to walk into a federal
courtroom, I was facing zero toseven years.
(23:29):
That was the sentence I wasfacing.
And had I been humble and said,okay, I made a mistake.
How can I make it right?
It would have been a differentoutcome.
But at that point they were madat me.
I had drug it And the judge.
I'll never forget that day, theday that I stood in that
courtroom.
I looked back at my husband andmy children and just felt so
(23:49):
much sorrow for what I had done,you know?
And the shock, The shock of howserious the situation was
overwhelming.
took my breath away.
It was hard to even speak, and Istarted to cry immediately as I
sat there.
I just felt tears screaming downmy cheek.
And the judge told me I couldget up and say something I knew
it was strange.
Like up until the time I went toprison, I thought I don't have a
(24:10):
criminal history.
He'll probably go easy on me.
I might get a few years, but Iknew when I walked in, he's
going to give you the maximumsentence.
Like I knew.
That the way I had acted andjust the whole situation became
clear.
It was pretty intimidatingbecause it's the United States
of America and they say UnitedStates of America versus Portia
Louder and I, My whole country'sagainst me, it felt pretty
(24:34):
heavy.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (24:34):
But you just knew inside it's gonna
be the full sentence.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_14 (24:38):
I knew them.
Yeah.
And that's when I I rememberlooking at Chad and the kids and
I thought, how will I ever getback to them?
It just seemed like my wholelife shifted.
How will I ever be able to.
It just, I knew what was infront of us was big and I didn't
know how and to be honest, it'snever been the same, my kids
were, my, my older kids weremarried at that point.
(24:59):
My younger kids were seven, 12,and 14, and I lost, the judge
sentenced me to seven years.
That day I got up and apologizedand basically begged for mercy
for my family.
Will you give me some time tosay goodbye?
And he said, no.
And then Chad got up and he pledfor me.
(25:19):
He just said, please give hertime.
Your honor, we need this as afamily.
The thing that shifted for mewas.
In that moment, I realized howpowerful my temple covenants
are.
Even when we make mistakes, theLord keeps his promises.
And I knew that there wassomething that was greater than
what the world could do todivide us, that would hold us
together.
(25:40):
And I just the judge gave meeight weeks to say goodbye.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (25:45):
That is unusual
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_1 (25:46):
It For white collar usually you do
get time to say goodbye.
It's very unusual for peoplethat are already in custody, but
I had been on pretrial for along time.
But he was going to take me intocustody.
And I think it was really, mylawyer wasn't able to get
anywhere, but Chad, I think thatChad just.
I guess it just, it felt likethe judge couldn't deny him
(26:09):
because Chad's pretty humble andhe just pled with the judge.
So I always say I was better offjust having Chad than a lawyer
there.
I couldn't get anywhere, so Igot the eight weeks.
I remember leaving and.
Feeling almost just shocked,shocked that I don't know.
I couldn't even speak for quitea while.
It just was so overwhelming andpainful.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (26:30):
Oh, I can see why.
I can see why.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (26:35):
The thing that surprised me was how
I had just wondered why I hadthought everything.
That wasn't important wasimportant.
Like why I had thought wasimportant or all things that
I've been involved in and all ofa sudden I could see that all
that really mattered was thesimple moments in time I had
with the kids.
And I always have that.
That was always available to me.
(26:55):
And I gave it away for somethingso worthless, and so, My life
has never been the same fromthat time.
I think a piece of me died inthe courtroom, probably a piece
that needed to die, the thingsthat, worrying about what people
thought, worrying about money,how we were going to get through
things.
I can see those things weren'tas important.
I got Eight weeks and the daythat I left my children, my mom
(27:19):
came to pick them up and shecouldn't even watch.
She had to turn away because itwas so painful for her.
And I.
Got in the car and we droveaway.
So
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (27:33):
Just almost too much to bear.
I can relate to your mother'snot being able to be there to
see you actually drive away.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_1 (27:40):
it was super painful.
um, Chad drove me to Dublin,California, and I walked into a
federal prison cause they don'thave, I was in a federal prison.
They don't have a local in Utah.
They don't have federal prisons.
So the closest one was 14 hoursaway.
And I remember walking It's atotally different experience
(28:01):
walking into a prison, everybodywears the same color.
Everyone's wearing khaki.
Nobody looks very happy.
And there's cement, cinder blockwalls.
I said goodbye to Chad and thenthey strip search you and do all
of that.
And then they give you, auniform and they send you to a
cell and you have whateverroommate they give you at that
(28:22):
time.
And I was so broken hearted,just couldn't even talk.
Couldn't even get up to go eat.
I couldn't imagine how I couldget through this time.
I was fortunate cause I left afamily who loved me and I left a
community who supported me.
Our ward knew.
I reached out and asked forsupport from our The school, I
was able to talk to them andsay, my kids are going to need
(28:42):
neighbors and people who were sosupportive, which is probably
unusual, but walking to prisonwas just devastating.
It was like, I can't do this.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (28:52):
Huh.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (28:53):
And I think after three days, my
roommate told me they're goingto take you to a suicide cell,
which is, a lockdown, and it'sgoing to be worse for you there,
so you need to leave.
And I remember telling her to goaway and I got on my knees and I
said, the most important prayerI've ever said.
And I just said, HeavenlyFather, I have failed everybody.
(29:13):
I failed my children.
I failed my husband.
I failed myself.
I failed you, I failed thecommunity.
I feel so low.
I can't see my way out of thishole.
I just need to know who I am toyou.
And I remember feeling the mostincredible amount of love I've
ever experienced in my life.
I never have felt such love inmy weakest moment.
(29:36):
I felt so encompassed in loveand I could see that I had an
important purpose on this earth,that I was so valued.
And that even in my weakestmoment, that I was.
More important than I could evercomprehend that my worth and
value was more than anything andthat everyone in that prison was
(29:58):
so valuable.
And I never knew until then howtruly valuable we are to our
Heavenly Father.
And I would go through it allagain, just to know that, just
to feel that connection and thatlove.
I know that you can do reallyhard things when you know who
you are.
I was away from my familyaltogether for close to five
(30:20):
years.
But I had something to fight forbecause I knew why I was on this
earth.
Porsche.
What an incredible experience.
Life.
Life-changing.
Before we go on.
I just want to review just alittle more about that whole.
Whole experience.
(30:41):
Let's do that first.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10 (30:43):
you've been in your cell for three days
and your roommate said, you'vegot to go, or they're going to
put you in a, in an isolationtype place.
And you felt for the first timethis value from your Heavenly
Father, this understanding whoyou were.
I just wondered if it it tookthe place of that fear you had
(31:04):
back when you felt like youcouldn't possibly tell the full
truth when the FBI showed up,because who would you be?
You would lose your identity.
And it seemed like thatexperience with your Heavenly
Father was what healed you fromthat desperate hold of, wait a
(31:25):
minute, who would I be?
My identity is
Stephanie test (31:28):
I'm this fabulous realtor
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (31:31):
And I'm a photographer and wait a
minute I'm an LDS woman and I'ma respectable woman and all of
those things that helpedidentify you.
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (31:37):
Yeah.
that's a really good way to putit.
For the first time in my life, Iknew who I really was it was
much deeper than anything, anytitle.
And it was freeing for me torecognize, when people ask me,
they say, what can we do for ourkids?
I say, figure out who you are,get so firm in your own identity
with your Heavenly Father, UntilI knew who I belonged to,
(32:01):
couldn't belong to the world.
I didn't have my heart wasn'topen enough that I could connect
with people in an authentic way.
I didn't understand my worth.
now I see, that when you seeyour worth, you can see everyone
else's worth too.
It's really the most importantthing to come to know who you
are because it then opens youreyes to who everyone else is
too.
(32:21):
And we're all so incrediblyvaluable.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10- (32:23):
Yeah.
Would you put a title to that?
What would you say?
that value was that I was adaughter of God
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024 (32:32):
that is exactly what I came to know.
It's one thing to, to say thewords, but it's another thing to
really know it and understandit.
And to know that you're adaughter of God.
And who you really are is thegreatest gift you could ever
have.
It changes everything.
So yeah, changed me.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10- (32:52):
Thank you.
Porsche.
How did.
Did you meet AKA?
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_14 (32:59):
I met Akka my first year in prison
in California.
I think shared with you, I justfelt so much comfort when I met
her.
We were in a unit of probably250, 300 people were locked down
other than during when we canmove around, every hour, there's
a 10 minute move so you can movefrom one place to another, but,
(33:19):
You know, when I finally gotmyself together and I started to
come out and connect with otherpeople there was Akka and she, I
didn't know she was a member ofthe church, but I noticed her
light.
I went to go over to whateverchurch service there was at the
chapel.
And there she was a member ofour church.
There was a few of us there thatwere members of the LDS church
and volunteers would come in andprovide a service for us and we
(33:42):
could get a priesthood blessing.
And, so there was thatconnection and she was a really
good example.
She would fast every Sunday andwas disciplined read her
scriptures.
And so She helped me find myway.
And I loved her and there wasCouple of members there that I
loved, that I got close to.
I was still pretty stubborn.
(34:03):
I still thought all thegovernment did me wrong and this
is unfair.
And so I was writing on a blogand they would call me over and
say, You're writing things thatmake the prison look bad.
And I'm like they shouldn't dothings.
Then, I just wasn't at thatpoint, ready to take complete
ownership of why I was inprison, which was my own fault,
(34:23):
but they ended up putting me inthe shoe, which is the
segregated housing unit.
I was there for about a monthand then they shipped me.
And when they ship you, youdon't know where you're going.
And they decided to ship me to.
Wasika, Minnesota.
when I got to Wasika, I missedall my friends, in Dublin, that
(34:44):
was hard.
Cause you don't know, they justtake you out of the population
and I started to build friendsand stuff there.
And I, what was beautiful aboutWasika was, it was a really
clean, nice prison and it was inthe Midwest.
So there were a lot of kind ofChristian influence.
A lot of the officers were.
there in the morning readingtheir Bibles I didn't have any
(35:04):
other members of the churchthere.
So that was lonely.
I had to have my husband reachout and start trying to find
members from the local ward thatcould come in and visit and
volunteer.
So I was able to get that afterabout six months, but I really
developed such a closerelationship with our Heavenly
Father.
I'd get that"Ensign" and I wouldjust read it and over.
(35:24):
And I was studying my scripturesup early every morning.
Um, a lot of prayer.
I think I spent six monthssitting outside, just crying and
reaching out to Heavenly FatherI felt so far away from my
family and I really needed, Ijust needed to open my soul.
And that was sacred time in mylife.
And so painful too, I was verydetermined.
(35:45):
I was going to leave prison.
Yeah.
An amazing person.
That was what I always said.
I'm like, I'm going to leaveprison an amazing person.
And and we all are, we're all soamazing.
Really, all I needed to know waswho I am.
Once I knew who I was, then,there was a lot of character
building that I needed to do andintegrity rebuilding and.
(36:06):
that work is the work that I didin prison.
I don't think I knew what I wasgoing to do when I got out.
I just knew the, who I wasbefore was gone and that I was
something different, theconnections that I made and my
whole view was changed.
And as I continued on thatjourney, I was able to start to
serve others, which was prettycool because I, my soul opened
(36:28):
up and I had more space to give.
And man, by the end of mysentence, I just felt so free
and joyful and so much love andconnection, deep connection.
I just had the most beautifulexperience with one of my
friends that I was in prisonwith that came to Utah for the
first time.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (36:44):
tell us about it.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_14 (36:46):
I just met this gal in Waseca.
Her name's Christina Beller andshe's, she was just so full of
light.
I could see right away and wewere roommates and she shared
her story with me and she had somuch loss.
Her father had committedsuicide.
Her mother had died from anoverdose and her son she had
placed with.
Her husband's parents to takecare of her husband had been
(37:07):
murdered.
Just loss after loss, she was sofull of light and we really got
close.
She was humble.
She, I would see her pray everynight for 45 minutes at a chair.
And I thought, wow, where doesthis girl come from?
When I left now I'm the onlymember of the LDS church and
she's a Christian and I.
I didn't really, she knew whatmy religion was different, but,
(37:29):
and we both shared faith in God.
So we were really deeplyconnected, but I didn't go into
a lot of detail about thechurch.
Most, I didn't want people to, Ifelt like a lot of times
Christians would try to tell mewhy the church was wrong or
whatever.
And I'm like, you stay where youare.
You let me do what I'm doing,but we can connect on a love of
God connection, the other thingthat people noticed was, as
(37:50):
members of the church of JesusChrist of Latter day Saints, we
have power, we have, we'reendowed with power and
protection through our templecovenants and that power is
noticeable, there is a light inus that's noticeable and people
notice that.
And they would come and theywould say, Will you come pray
with me because they would come,they would send someone over and
say, my roommate's reallystruggling.
(38:11):
Will you go get that lady overand be unit and have her come
pray with us?
They could see it.
And that to me is so beautiful.
And I wasn't telling people,this is what I do, but it's just
who I was and the way I live mylife.
And I loved Christina and sheloved me and we shared a deep
faith and love in our savior.
We prayed together.
I would have girls all the timecome and say, can you go to
(38:32):
lunch with me?
I love your prayers.
I want you to pray with ustoday.
I really value my, the covenantsthat I made with our Heavenly
Father because they're soempowering.
When Christina got out.
First of all she had nothing.
She went back to her sister wholived in a low income apartment,
to live with her and she got ajob working in a care center for
the elderly.
And she met a woman who was amember of our faith who was 86
(38:55):
years old.
Her husband had passed.
She'd had a stroke and theybecame best friends.
And this woman told her, I'vebeen waiting for you to join the
church so that I can die.
I'm still on this earth for you.
And literally Christina said,I've never felt so loved by
anyone.
I just knew that she knew me.
And so Christina, not only didshe.
(39:17):
Joined the church, but she had agood friend that she knew that
loved and noticed her light andhe also joined the church and I
got to fly back there and bewith her that day.
The day that she was Baptized.
And then I got to go to thetemple with her.
I went back to Missouri and wewent through the temple.
That was the most joyful day ofmy life.
Just being in the temple withher.
She and she goes, we met inprison.
(39:37):
And today we sat in our HeavenlyFather's highest kingdom of
glory on the earth together.
And it was just the joy I feltwas eternal joy.
So We've So joy.
It was so joyful.
And then she just came to Utah.
Yeah.
And visited Utah for the firsttime for two weeks, we went to
the MTC together.
And I shared my story there,which was so beautiful cause it
(39:59):
included her.
And then we went to threetemples in one day.
We hit every, we went to Draper,Bountiful, so beautiful.
She loved Bountiful.
We went to Oh, we just went toabout 10 different temples and
it was so amazing.
just for her to connect with myfamily and my children and, We
have this really beautifulfriendship, just like with Aka
(40:20):
too, right?
Have had these hard experiencesand then be able to go to the
temple together?
And it's just, the atonement isso beautiful.
And that transformation you,when Christina and Aka is the
same way, there's this humilityin them that said, when
Christina called me, she said,guess what, Portia, I'm buying a
comforter for my son.
(40:41):
She says, you know what thatmeans he's coming to visit me
and you can't find that kind ofjoy without the kind of loss
that we've experienced.
Like it's the littlest thingsthat make you so grateful, so
anyway, I have had so manybeautiful experiences since I
came home from prison.
The son that I placed foradoption reached out to me and
we'd built a beautifulrelationship.
(41:02):
I think the most amazing thingabout my life is that my
children trust me I've earnedtheir trust I wrote the book
that I wrote, I just wroteanother one.
Hello.
It's Stephanie I've popped himwith some good news.
Since this interview, Porschehas released her second book.
Called born to be brave.
And I want to tell you a bitabout it.
I've listened to it and havebeen so positively effected by
(41:25):
this book.
I found that every few chaptersI would need to stop and just
absorb and think about the livesof these dear people that she
has written about.
I would go find a loved one andI would tell them about these
wonderful people I was gainingnew heroes.
And these were different type ofheroes.
(41:46):
These heroes had mentalillnesses and addictions.
And they also had testimonies ofthe restored gospel of Jesus
Christ.
I found.
That in the end.
I was learning something that Ialready knew logically.
And that was that the church ofJesus Christ of latter day
(42:09):
saints.
Was for everyone.
But after finishing this book,Now I knew it.
From my heart and soul.
I knew it at that level.
And it strengthened mytestimony.
So that is the review I leavewith you for born to be brave.
(42:31):
I challenge you to listen orread that book and I'll leave it
in the show notes.
So you can get to it easilyHere's a picture.
So you can.
See her first book.
Living ladder a compassionatejourney.
Through federal prison.
Her website is portialouder.com.
And she's also on Facebook now.
(42:52):
She's about.
To share what I consider hermost poignant story within her
prison sentence.
Be sure to subscribe and likethis video, so you can receive.
Every story where the hand ofGod has.
Touched a person's life.
And others can find thosevideos.
(43:13):
Thank you now back to theinterview.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2 (43:16):
there's all kinds of beautiful things
that have come into my life, butI didn't know what it would look
like.
I just had to trust HeavenlyFather and let go of who I
thought I was and become theperson that I'm truly on this
earth to be.
Yeah.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (43:31):
Oh, Portia, what a beautiful
experience.
What a gift for us, all of us tohear this and hear these about
these beautiful bonds thatyou've had with Christina, and
Aka and these other women.
And I've heard more cause I'veread the book.
It was so many more women whilein prison and so many lives
(43:54):
you've touched since, especiallysince being out of prison.
You shared with me, you have afavorite scripture in Doctrine
and Covenants.
Would you like to share thatwith us before we end?
Yes.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_14 (44:07):
I would love to.
this scripture has a lot ofmeaning to me because before I
went to prison I went through areally traumatic experience I
shared in my book where it wastaken into custody.
And I remember I had beentransferred from place to place
and it was really disorientingand confusing.
And I was in Seattle at a time.
At a high rise prison that theywere doing in a mental
(44:28):
evaluation.
And I I heard the words LDS comeover the intercom and I ran out
and I said what does that mean?
And he goes, there's LDSvolunteers here.
And I said I want to see them.
I'm a member of that church,there were these two Pauline.
And when they came in, I justimmediately started to cry and I
(44:52):
said, could you please pleasegive me a blessing?
And he, they said, yes.
And man put his hands on my headand he said your whole,
everything in your life will berestored.
He said, You, your HeavenlyFather knows how strong you are.
he endowed you with strength togo through everything you've
been through.
And then he said be thou humblebecause the Lord thy God will
(45:15):
lead thee by the hand.
And I thought that's ascripture, so I went back and I
asked him I said, why did yousay that scripture?
And he said, that's thescripture your Heavenly Father
wants you to focus on.
And then he told me he said,what you've been through is
hard, Portia.
He goes, I can feel that paininside you.
What you've been through ishard.
He said, but your life will bebeautiful someday.
(45:38):
And then the other gentlemantold me, he said, we weren't
planning on coming here today.
He said, we went downstairs andwe asked if there were any
members of our church and theydidn't know of any that were
here.
And he said, so we just startedgoing up.
The elevators.
And we stopped before we came tothis floor and figure we would
leave.
And then we said a prayer anddecided that we needed to come
up one more floor.
And he said I have no doubtwe're here to give you that
(46:00):
priesthood blessing.
And so I wrote that down andbelieve me, what I thought he
meant when he said, everythingin your life will be restored
was that I wouldn't have to goto prison.
Everything was going to workout.
But what I know is that that itwas the journey I was supposed
to take and that when I amhumble, I'm my very best self.
That's when I feel the closestto Heavenly Father.
(46:22):
And I had a lot of humility tolearn through this process still
do.
But I'm so grateful, I have cometo know that Our Heavenly Father
is so aware of us, like the factthat they were there that day
and could give me thatpriesthood blessing.
I Had so many hard things stillto go through whenever I,
struggling, I think of thatscripture.
I'm like, be that humble Portia,the Lord that God believed by
(46:44):
the hand, that is my mission isto be more humble When I look at
people with humility, it's soappealing to me, you know, more
of it.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (46:52):
oh, what a miracle.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_1 (46:54):
It really was.
my faith in the power of theatonement of Jesus Christ is so
firm.
There is no way that I couldeven be mentally sound if it
worked, with the things that Iwent through were really
difficult and only through thepower of the atonement of Jesus
Christ.
I know who I am because of JesusChrist and I'm so grateful for
(47:14):
that
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-202 (47:16):
He will make up for all the
unfairness,
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (47:19):
yeah.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (47:19):
like that time in your life right
there.
portia-louder_1_02-1 (47:22):
Stephanie.
Thank you for inviting me onthis today.
Microphone (2- Samson Q2U M (47:24):
Ah, Portia, hearing your story, at
times it overtook me withemotion as you saw, and matter
of fact I had to record or rerecord this portion because it
was so difficult to understandwhat I was saying.
So I want to say thank you forthat life changing experience.
(47:45):
Thank you for sharing your storywith us and lifting me.
I want to thank our audience forlistening, and I'm curious, what
did you think of Portia's storyand how it was portrayed?
I want you to write about it inthe comments And let me know,
did it remind you anything aboutyour life?
(48:07):
Do you have a story ofredemption?
Or is your story more of asimple story, where you've seen
the hand of God in your life?
I want to hear about it andstart talking to you about it,
because perhaps your story wouldchange someone's life, like
Portia's story has changed mylife.
(48:31):
Thank you for listening today.
Remember to like and subscribethis video, and for now, I will
say farewell.
Until we meet again.
Welcome to Dear Daughters of God.
(00:02):
This is episode 16.
my prison transformation story.
Microphone (Samson Q2U Micro (00:05):
My name is Stephanie Eccles.
I'm a school administrator,natural storyteller, and I am a
daughter of God.
I tell the stories of our livesfrom the perspective of the
gospel of Jesus Christ.
Welcome, Dear Daughters of God.
I address you that way becausethat's what you are to Him.
To our Heavenly Father, you aredear.
(00:27):
Feel free to join us on ourYouTube channel, Dear Daughters
of God, so you can see the videoof our guest Portia Lauder and
the many pictures she providedthat help portray this
incredible story that you'reabout to hear.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (00:40):
This is such a special day.
We have a guest.
Her name is Portia Louder.
I got to meet Portia throughanother one of our guests named
Akka Tufuga Setefago she was onour previous
Stephanie test (00:56):
episode, episode number 11.
And
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024 (00:59):
I mentioned Portia in that
episode.
So if you haven't heard that,you can go back and listen to
that.
But Portia, I got to meet Portiain the temple.
She was an escort to Akka asAkka was there for the first
time the two of them met whileserving time in Dublin.
(01:19):
Portia, thank you for joining ustoday.
Welcome to Dear Daughters ofGod.
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (01:23):
Thank you so much for having me,
Stephanie.
Stephanie test (01:26):
Yes.
Yes.
It's my pleasure.
It was such a thrill to meetPortia after we went to the
temple together.
We got some time to go to lunchtogether and I got to know
Portia a little bit and thoughtthis is an incredible woman.
Oh my goodness, what a journeyshe's taken what a A woman of
service, I want to know herbetter.
(01:46):
She just dedicates
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (01:48):
her life to doing the work of our
Heavenly Father.
then I learned that she'swritten this book.
before I get too far.
Let me give you her formalintroduction Portia Louder spent
four and a half years of herlife in prison.
Portia is a writer, she's aspeaker, photographer, and
advocate.
She works with at risk youth andis a volunteer chaplain in jails
(02:10):
and prisons.
Portia shares her story everytwo weeks with new missionaries
at the MTC, which stands forMissionary Training Center, in
Provo, Utah.
And she authored a book titled,Living Louder, A Compassionate
Journey Through Federal
Stephanie test (02:28):
Prison.
What is so astonishing
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10- (02:31):
about Portia's story is not so much
that she found the guts and thetenacity to climb out of some
seemingly impossible situations,but that she describes those
situations with deep affection.
Portia invites us to see theworld from a different
perspective.
Portia and her husband, Chad,have six children and five
(02:55):
grandchildren.
They live in Saratoga Springs,Utah, and enjoy the simple
things in life.
Microphone (2- Samson (03:01):
Remember to like and subscribe this video
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-1 (03:05):
Portia, when I was reading your book, I
thought, Every three pages,because the chapters are short
and they were about three pageslong, I couldn't go more than
three pages without stopping andsaying, we've got to include
that part in the interview.
No, we've got to include thatpart.
No, that part.
I thought this interview wouldbe six hours long.
(03:27):
Because every story was somoving.
I thought the audience couldn'tmiss it.
They couldn't understand theimportance of the passion and
the goodness.
of Portia and the adversity thatshe went through and where she
is today without hearing thisparticular story.
I just didn't know how it couldbe done.
(03:48):
So there it is.
you've got to get the bookLiving Louder, A Compassionate
Journey Through Federal Prisonto really understand this
because you won't have six hourstoday.
We only have Portia for a fewminutes.
So Portia.
we know what a godly woman youare now and I have an idea of
(04:09):
the adversity that you've gonethrough to get here, but they do
not.
Will you give us a sketch ofyour life?
Help us understand what you'vegone through to get where you
are today.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024 (04:22):
Yes.
Thank you so much for thisopportunity and all those kind
words.
So I don't know that I'mdeserving of all those nice
things, but I will share alittle bit about me.
I grew up in Utah.
On the outskirts of a small townin Utah.
I am the oldest of sevenchildren.
My parents were members of thechurch of Jesus Christ of Latter
(04:43):
day Saints.
They came with their ownstruggles.
My dad was a Vietnam vet who hadPTSD and.
And he was pretty uptight.
My mother was, her mother passedwhen she was young and her life
was really chaotic.
And she went down the path ofbeing a hippie, no structure, no
rules and very creative woman.
(05:05):
so we grew up in the country andwith no rules and they had seven
children.
So there was just a lot ofchaos.
Literally we could go anywhere.
Go to bed when we want, get upwhen we want, brush our teeth if
we want, and go to school if wewant.
So there wasn't any rules.
Um, but we did fun things.
I don't remember really feelingthe Spirit a lot when I was
(05:26):
young because there wasn't a lotof peace.
But I love my parents.
And appreciate all the goodthings that they blessed me
with.
I really started to strugglewhen I was in my teen years.
My first struggle was withrelationships being 12 and 13
years old, you're trying tofigure out who you are.
And I had no idea who I was, butI figured that if other boys,
(05:47):
especially older boys liked me,that must be a pretty good
thing.
I struggled with that and Istarted to drink really went
inactive in the church when Iwas 13 and then ended up
pregnant for the first time whenI was 17, it's interesting when
I look back and think aboutmyself, I just have a lot of
compassion for myself.
I see myself as this 17 year oldlittle girl that had no idea who
(06:10):
she was, scared to death, Idropped out of high school.
And moved into a low incomeapartment.
And I remember I was on welfareat the time.
I got a GD because you had toget the welfare, didn't see
myself as really able to domuch.
I figured that if I got married,everything would be okay.
I just need to find someone tomarry me.
(06:30):
And I met somebody that was alot older than me.
He was 28 and I was 18 and hemade me this offer.
You should marry me because Ican take care of you.
And I said, let's do it.
I just was, were, we knew eachother about a month.
I have compassion for him andmyself really looking back, but
the marriage wasn't ideal.
It wasn't my forever love.
(06:52):
And so about that time, myparents moved to Salt Lake with
my brothers and sisters I'dnever been to the city.
I'd never experienced it.
Salt Lake, I remember visitingfor the first time and just
being, wow, like this, there's awhole world outside of this
little town that I grew up in.
And thinking that I couldprobably get a job or do
something with my life.
(07:13):
My uncle owned photo studios inthe mall at the time, and he
said he would hire me.
And so I went home and told myhusband that I wanted to move
and we should move up to thecity.
And he said I'm never leavingthis town.
But you're welcome to leave andjust go live with your parents.
Let's just get a quick divorce.
And so you can see we were justso committed not really.
(07:34):
And so that's what I did.
I left the small town I was in,and then I moved to Salt Lake
and my parents, um, were reallysupportive, allowed me to move
in and help take care of my son.
then I found out shortly after Imoved that I was pregnant with
my daughter.
Now that I remember being.
Lonely, really alone.
I called my ex husband and said,Hey, I'm pregnant.
(07:56):
And he said, yeah, I don't wantto be a part of your life.
That was a sad time for me.
I was working.
I also, at that time, my dadmentioned that maybe I would
want to read the Book of Mormonand I'm stubborn.
And so my dad knows better thanto say, you need to do this to
change your life.
And I said, why would I readthat
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (08:14):
book Dad.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (08:14):
and he said,
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (08:15):
Well Because your
portia-louder_1_02-10-2 (08:16):
smarter
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (08:17):
than that Portia
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (08:17):
and
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (08:17):
you haven't even tried
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_1 (08:18):
to read
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (08:19):
the book
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_1 (08:19):
it help you and so That was a good
way to approach it
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-202 (08:23):
so I started reading the book.
but I didn't understand it verywell I just remember it made me
feel better.
Don't you let me bless yourdaughter?
And so we went to the church andI remember looking around again
and thinking.
(08:43):
Everybody's married here.
If I just get married, it'll allbe okay.
Not really knowing inside that Ihad to have that own, my own
relationship with the savior andreally with myself to know who I
was.
I started dating again and I gotpregnant again and I was 23
years old and I was pregnant forthe third time as a single
(09:05):
woman.
I didn't receive child supportwith my two children.
I was scared.
It was like the first time forme that I was really scared.
And I said my first real prayer,which was Heavenly Father.
I don't know what to do.
Please help me.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (09:21):
And I
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02- (09:22):
remember feeling strength, like a
strength that I hadn't feltbefore.
I knew that this child wasn'tmine to keep, that I needed to
place him for adoption.
so I started to look I went toseveral different attorneys.
and when I met, when I saw thepicture of the family that I
knew was supposed to adopt myson.
I told the lawyer, this is thefamily.
(09:43):
He said, that's, they alreadyhave three kids.
And I said, yeah, but it's thefamily.
Like I saw their picture.
I just knew, and he told me thatI would need to meet with other
people, first people thathadn't, didn't have children
and, and I saw where they livedand they didn't live far from my
parents.
And I said I will go to theirhouse and let them know that I'm
placing this child for adoption.
And that I saw their pictureThey, their file had just come
(10:04):
in and he said, okay, I willintroduce you to them.
So I met them.
I knew immediately.
And we, I shared this specialbond with, especially with
David's mother.
And we started on this journeytogether.
They were wonderful.
They supported me through thewhole pregnancy came to every
doctor appointment.
Yeah.
And they were there the day thatI had David and I watched them
(10:26):
hold him for the first time.
then as soon as they walked out,I just felt empty and I had no
idea how to deal with the traumaI had.
I figured if I could just goback to work, I'd be okay, my
heart is just bleeding for you.
I can feel your loneliness.
All those years as a singlemother on your own at age 17,
living in a an apartment onwelfare the loneliness trying to
(10:51):
make it at that age with limitededucation and no one else around
and trying to figure outmotherhood all at the same time.
and then just the feeling ofrejection.
The first husband's Oh thisisn't working.
I'm not interested in this nextbaby.
You're on your own.
I'm this is so much rejectionand I can see why you're so
(11:11):
alone.
My heart's bleeding for you.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_14 (11:14):
I don't think I knew it at the
time.
I just felt so I didn'tunderstand.
That's why I say I can look backat myself and have compassion
because I think.
You had no idea, like you werejust going through all these
hard things and you didn't knowhow to navigate it.
And, it was difficult.
I remember, when David was born,I knew they would be a good
family for my son, but they werealso a support to me.
(11:38):
And part of that was, I love mymother, but my mom.
Wasn't able to, she didn't havethat kind of strength in her.
so even when I told her I wasplacing my son for adoption, she
said just let me raise him.
And I, I remember saying, mom,we're not even that good at
raising kids.
Like either one of us, I'm like,I'm scared, mom.
I can't keep doing this.
(11:59):
It's not fair to my kids, and mydad said, Portia, I know you can
do this.
Like he, but I needed theirsupport.
I needed this family that wasadopting my son.
Yeah.
To support me and believe in mebecause it wasn't easy, that was
a difficult experience,
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (12:13):
Was your father in support of that
adoption?
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (12:16):
yeah, he
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-202 (12:17):
He was in support of that.
That was a brave move.
I'm so impressed that you actedon that inspiration, that
feeling that he, David belongedto another family.
Oh, good for you.
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (12:29):
right as we were getting on the
podcast, that was my son, David,that, and so I'll share, I'll
share that story a little bitlater.
But, after I had David, Iremember feeling a level of
emptiness and loneliness that Ijust hadn't experienced up to
that point.
And I didn't know how to processany of it.
I remember having my mom bringmy children to the hospital.
(12:51):
I should have gotten therapy.
I should have, they were all,looking back now.
I understand that there's thingsI could have done been in a
support group, but I I didn't.
And so doctor wrote me aprescription For Percocet and
which is a narcotic pain killer.
And.
And I just started to use thoseand I thought that would be the
solution and I didn't reallyunderstand how addictive they
(13:13):
were, but it just took away theemptiness for a minute.
And then I, I started lookingfor more of those and became
dependent on prescription drugsand things only got worse for
me.
I lost my job and I eventuallybecame addicted to street drugs
because you can't findprescription drugs all the time.
Then my life went quite a bitworse.
(13:34):
My parents were raising mychildren.
I remember my dad saying that hethought that I might die.
He said I can't help you.
I don't know what to do.
I was gone for days at a timeand, um, I couldn't keep a
promise to myself.
I would try to quit and Icouldn't, it just, it was a
really dark time.
I was recently talking to my dadabout that.
(13:54):
It wasn't just a dark time forme.
It was our whole family.
A lot of chaos at that point.
My, I had other family membersthat were struggling and my dad
was struggling.
that was one of the darkest,loneliest times of my life.
All everybody was.
I remember when I walked in, mymom was always like I've never
heard my mom really give up onher kids.
But when she looked at me, shesaid, I can't imagine what it
(14:16):
would take for you to do this toyour son.
She said, if this isn't enoughfor you to change your life
Portia nothing ever would bebecause all he cares about is
you.
He's been waiting here for youfor hours.
And I remember that night.
I took my son and I walkeddownstairs and I laid on the
floor and I sobbed and I justbegged God to take it from me.
(14:38):
And I just was like in fetalposition, really so broken.
And my son, he came over and hesaid, mom, why are you so sad?
Look at you, mom.
You're so beautiful.
And I just said, geez, such anugly person because no mom,
you're so beautiful.
that night I made a promise thatI would go to any length.
(14:58):
So I, the next morning I askedmy dad who his bishop was.
I hadn't been active in thechurch for years.
I walked over and said, pleasehelp me.
Yeah,
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (15:10):
and said,
portia-louder_1_02-10-20 (15:11):
please And He said, what's going on?
And I, he knew from my parents,how bad I was struggling.
And I said I'm addicted to drugsand I'm, I need help.
And so he called somebody whowas, he was a member of the
church, but he knew him, who wasa friend that he had.
And he said, he's in recoveryand he'll take you to a meeting
and then I'll be your sponsorand I'll help you any way I can.
(15:33):
I went to my first meeting.
I remember.
I had a hard time sitting stillat that point.
I smoked cigarettes too.
So I would leave the meeting togo outside and have a cigarette.
And the man came out and he gaveit to me straight.
He's you're a mess.
And if you want to change yourlife, you need to go back in
there and you need to listen towhat people have to say that
have something that you don't,which is recovery.
(15:55):
And I went in and I rememberHaving hope, like listening to
this man share his story and he,he had been through the things
I've been through, but he wasrecovering.
He had light in him, but Ididn't have.
And so I asked him after themeeting, I said, how do you get
this that you have?
And he handed me the AA big bookand said, this will change your
(16:16):
life.
If you follow this program.
And so I said, okay, I took thebook.
I went back and started workingwith my Bishop and my Bishop
said, Portia, I promise you withpriesthood power and authority
that if you go to church and youread your scriptures and you say
your prayers, your whole lifewill change.
Now I had something going forme, which was that I didn't
(16:37):
trust my own thinking anymore,and I was so desperate.
That I did what he said to do.
And I was so uncomfortable inchurch I didn't feel comfortable
reading my scriptures andprayers felt I was very
separated from our HeavenlyFather, but I did those things
and my whole life started tochange and it wasn't easy.
(16:59):
It took a while,
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-1 (17:00):
really?
It must've been difficult to
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_1 (17:03):
It was very difficult.
I gained a testimony that Godwas doing something for me that
I couldn't do for myself I hadtried so many times to quit and
made promises to myself that Icould never keep.
And so to the fact that I wasjust staying sober, I would go
to these meetings regularly.
I would work with my Bishop andI did what he said to do.
(17:23):
And my life began to change.
I went back to work, um, startedshowing up in my kid's life step
by step.
And about that time I met myhusband, which still blows me
away because Chad had graduatedcollege had been on a mission,
had no kids, no marriages.
I have no idea, why he would.
(17:45):
He would even date me, but hedid, he started to date and he
told me when I asked him whatscared him the most, he said,
everything about you scares me.
Portia you're so scary.
I said, I'm scared of me too,Jeff.
um, it was, I quit looking for aman.
I'm pretty sure that's why Ifound one because I'm really
(18:05):
good at finding The right man.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2024 (18:08):
I would say he found you appealing
and interesting and, andcourageous.
Yes.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (18:16):
Oh, he he does find me interesting.
So we come from totallydifferent backgrounds.
His parents are both schoolteachers, very conservative.
It was raised in Afton, Wyoming,Star Valley, and.
He's just a kind, good man.
And we had our struggles, butChad, he could see more in me
than I could see in myself.
(18:36):
And so we got married.
He adopted my first twochildren.
I had separated from the familythat I placed my son, with,
because I just had too much, I,and through my addiction, they
had to step back too.
They could see me spiraling.
I Continued to work at it andChad and I were able to go to
the temple and have our childrensealed to us, which was
(18:59):
miraculous because for me, Iremember thinking, how would I
ever get to the temple?
There's no way, they gave metemple garments.
I was so excited.
I didn't want to ever take mygarments off because I worked
hard to get there.
And, um, I had a lot to learn.
We bought a little house inAmerican fork and I'd go to the
temple every week so that Icould understand it more.
(19:21):
And I started my own company.
Chad had a job at the time,working for a bank and doing
marketing.
And then what happened for me isthat I.
I had two more kids really closetogether.
It's just something for me.
Like I've only tried one time tohave a child.
I get pregnant on birth control.
I get pregnant with, it's justwhat I do.
(19:42):
I get pregnant really easy.
So
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (19:44):
You get pregnant.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_14 (19:45):
I get pregnant.
Yeah.
So we had our first son,Jackson, and then I found out I
was pregnant not long after Ihad Jackson.
They're 18 months apart, Andthen my company really grew.
My photography business grewfrom, I was shooting about 200
weddings a year and I hademployees and we were doing
engagements and bridals and my,I was traveling for some of
(20:06):
those weddings.
And I decided to build a housethat would accommodate the
studio.
I had a studio outside the home.
I had a nanny that was watchingmy kids.
And I was trying to take care ofthese other kids, my older kids
that were, in elementary school.
And then I have young ones.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (20:22):
Yes.
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (20:23):
after our second baby together, I had
a, My back went out to where Iliterally couldn't walk.
I had an injury when I wasyounger, but I was always able
to get through it.
But after I had Sadie, it wentout completely.
And so the doctor, yeah, saidthat I needed to have back being
honest with myself, life was waytoo busy.
I had lost the spirituality.
(20:44):
I wasn't going to the templelike I should.
And I wasn't reading myscriptures first thing in the
morning.
And I was just going.
And I think my integrity wasalready slipping.
When I went to the doctor, Ididn't tell him I had a
prescription drug problem.
He prescribed the drugs.
They were easy.
They just kept prescribing themback then.
It was pretty easy.
I became dependent again onprescription drugs.
(21:05):
And I remember the weight ofthat.
That was a really rough time.
so
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10- (21:10):
sorry that, that happened.
I can see why it was tempting tonot say anything to him at the
same time you were in pain and
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (21:18):
But
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (21:19):
was beginning to spiral.
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (21:20):
yeah, at this point I have learned
enough that I am so directly,I'm so honest with myself and
others because I've lost so muchthrough my addiction.
I ended up getting involved insome real estate deals that, at
the time I thought even toldChad, why don't you quit your
job and stay home and take careof the kids?
Because I have this business andI can make enough money to pay
(21:41):
off her house.
And we can get, I just.
Yeah.
My addiction got worse.
I got involved in illegal realestate deals and man, the way to
that was terrifying, just thefeeling, the fear, the
overwhelming responsibility ofmoney coming and going and, and
then the FBI shows up andthey're investigating me and
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (22:03):
Ah,
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (22:04):
yeah, there's nothing worse than that.
There's probably a few worsethings, but that was pretty bad.
I was so scared looking back ifI could have gotten honest with
myself, if I could have evensaid, okay, so I made these
mistakes.
How do I make it right?
But I literally thought that mywhole identity was on the line.
Like I can't go to prison.
(22:24):
If I go to prison, who will Iever be to anybody?
My husband will leave me.
The church, I'm a member of thechurch.
How will, it just seemedimpossible for me.
And I think just not knowingthat I'm who I am is much deeper
than anything, and just, I don'tknow I've learned through, I
guess in a way, when I finallyended up going to prison, there
(22:45):
was a lot of freedom in it.
There was like freedom from whatanyone else thought, but up to
that point I just kept denyingit and making excuses.
I did do one thing right.
And that was, I talked to mybishop and state president and
asked for support and was veryhonest and open about the things
I was dealing with.
And because of that, they reallyworked with me.
(23:05):
There was a long period of timethat I was under investigation
and supported me.
I was able to keep my TempleRecommend and go to the temple.
And I was in the process ofrepentance, even as.
I was under investigation.
And because I hadn't been reallyvery cooperative with the
government or FBI, when it cametime to walk into a federal
courtroom, I was facing zero toseven years.
(23:29):
That was the sentence I wasfacing.
And had I been humble and said,okay, I made a mistake.
How can I make it right?
It would have been a differentoutcome.
But at that point they were madat me.
I had drug it And the judge.
I'll never forget that day, theday that I stood in that
courtroom.
I looked back at my husband andmy children and just felt so
(23:49):
much sorrow for what I had done,you know?
And the shock, The shock of howserious the situation was
overwhelming.
took my breath away.
It was hard to even speak, and Istarted to cry immediately as I
sat there.
I just felt tears screaming downmy cheek.
And the judge told me I couldget up and say something I knew
it was strange.
Like up until the time I went toprison, I thought I don't have a
(24:10):
criminal history.
He'll probably go easy on me.
I might get a few years, but Iknew when I walked in, he's
going to give you the maximumsentence.
Like I knew.
That the way I had acted andjust the whole situation became
clear.
It was pretty intimidatingbecause it's the United States
of America and they say UnitedStates of America versus Portia
Louder and I, My whole country'sagainst me, it felt pretty
(24:34):
heavy.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (24:34):
But you just knew inside it's gonna
be the full sentence.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_14 (24:38):
I knew them.
Yeah.
And that's when I I rememberlooking at Chad and the kids and
I thought, how will I ever getback to them?
It just seemed like my wholelife shifted.
How will I ever be able to.
It just, I knew what was infront of us was big and I didn't
know how and to be honest, it'snever been the same, my kids
were, my, my older kids weremarried at that point.
(24:59):
My younger kids were seven, 12,and 14, and I lost, the judge
sentenced me to seven years.
That day I got up and apologizedand basically begged for mercy
for my family.
Will you give me some time tosay goodbye?
And he said, no.
And then Chad got up and he pledfor me.
(25:19):
He just said, please give hertime.
Your honor, we need this as afamily.
The thing that shifted for mewas.
In that moment, I realized howpowerful my temple covenants
are.
Even when we make mistakes, theLord keeps his promises.
And I knew that there wassomething that was greater than
what the world could do todivide us, that would hold us
together.
(25:40):
And I just the judge gave meeight weeks to say goodbye.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (25:45):
That is unusual
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_1 (25:46):
It For white collar usually you do
get time to say goodbye.
It's very unusual for peoplethat are already in custody, but
I had been on pretrial for along time.
But he was going to take me intocustody.
And I think it was really, mylawyer wasn't able to get
anywhere, but Chad, I think thatChad just.
I guess it just, it felt likethe judge couldn't deny him
(26:09):
because Chad's pretty humble andhe just pled with the judge.
So I always say I was better offjust having Chad than a lawyer
there.
I couldn't get anywhere, so Igot the eight weeks.
I remember leaving and.
Feeling almost just shocked,shocked that I don't know.
I couldn't even speak for quitea while.
It just was so overwhelming andpainful.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (26:30):
Oh, I can see why.
I can see why.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (26:35):
The thing that surprised me was how
I had just wondered why I hadthought everything.
That wasn't important wasimportant.
Like why I had thought wasimportant or all things that
I've been involved in and all ofa sudden I could see that all
that really mattered was thesimple moments in time I had
with the kids.
And I always have that.
That was always available to me.
(26:55):
And I gave it away for somethingso worthless, and so, My life
has never been the same fromthat time.
I think a piece of me died inthe courtroom, probably a piece
that needed to die, the thingsthat, worrying about what people
thought, worrying about money,how we were going to get through
things.
I can see those things weren'tas important.
I got Eight weeks and the daythat I left my children, my mom
(27:19):
came to pick them up and shecouldn't even watch.
She had to turn away because itwas so painful for her.
And I.
Got in the car and we droveaway.
So
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (27:33):
Just almost too much to bear.
I can relate to your mother'snot being able to be there to
see you actually drive away.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_1 (27:40):
it was super painful.
um, Chad drove me to Dublin,California, and I walked into a
federal prison cause they don'thave, I was in a federal prison.
They don't have a local in Utah.
They don't have federal prisons.
So the closest one was 14 hoursaway.
And I remember walking It's atotally different experience
(28:01):
walking into a prison, everybodywears the same color.
Everyone's wearing khaki.
Nobody looks very happy.
And there's cement, cinder blockwalls.
I said goodbye to Chad and thenthey strip search you and do all
of that.
And then they give you, auniform and they send you to a
cell and you have whateverroommate they give you at that
(28:22):
time.
And I was so broken hearted,just couldn't even talk.
Couldn't even get up to go eat.
I couldn't imagine how I couldget through this time.
I was fortunate cause I left afamily who loved me and I left a
community who supported me.
Our ward knew.
I reached out and asked forsupport from our The school, I
was able to talk to them andsay, my kids are going to need
(28:42):
neighbors and people who were sosupportive, which is probably
unusual, but walking to prisonwas just devastating.
It was like, I can't do this.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (28:52):
Huh.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_ (28:53):
And I think after three days, my
roommate told me they're goingto take you to a suicide cell,
which is, a lockdown, and it'sgoing to be worse for you there,
so you need to leave.
And I remember telling her to goaway and I got on my knees and I
said, the most important prayerI've ever said.
And I just said, HeavenlyFather, I have failed everybody.
(29:13):
I failed my children.
I failed my husband.
I failed myself.
I failed you, I failed thecommunity.
I feel so low.
I can't see my way out of thishole.
I just need to know who I am toyou.
And I remember feeling the mostincredible amount of love I've
ever experienced in my life.
I never have felt such love inmy weakest moment.
(29:36):
I felt so encompassed in loveand I could see that I had an
important purpose on this earth,that I was so valued.
And that even in my weakestmoment, that I was.
More important than I could evercomprehend that my worth and
value was more than anything andthat everyone in that prison was
(29:58):
so valuable.
And I never knew until then howtruly valuable we are to our
Heavenly Father.
And I would go through it allagain, just to know that, just
to feel that connection and thatlove.
I know that you can do reallyhard things when you know who
you are.
I was away from my familyaltogether for close to five
(30:20):
years.
But I had something to fight forbecause I knew why I was on this
earth.
Porsche.
What an incredible experience.
Life.
Life-changing.
Before we go on.
I just want to review just alittle more about that whole.
Whole experience.
(30:41):
Let's do that first.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10 (30:43):
you've been in your cell for three days
and your roommate said, you'vegot to go, or they're going to
put you in a, in an isolationtype place.
And you felt for the first timethis value from your Heavenly
Father, this understanding whoyou were.
I just wondered if it it tookthe place of that fear you had
(31:04):
back when you felt like youcouldn't possibly tell the full
truth when the FBI showed up,because who would you be?
You would lose your identity.
And it seemed like thatexperience with your Heavenly
Father was what healed you fromthat desperate hold of, wait a
(31:25):
minute, who would I be?
My identity is
Stephanie test (31:28):
I'm this fabulous realtor
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (31:31):
And I'm a photographer and wait a
minute I'm an LDS woman and I'ma respectable woman and all of
those things that helpedidentify you.
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (31:37):
Yeah.
that's a really good way to putit.
For the first time in my life, Iknew who I really was it was
much deeper than anything, anytitle.
And it was freeing for me torecognize, when people ask me,
they say, what can we do for ourkids?
I say, figure out who you are,get so firm in your own identity
with your Heavenly Father, UntilI knew who I belonged to,
(32:01):
couldn't belong to the world.
I didn't have my heart wasn'topen enough that I could connect
with people in an authentic way.
I didn't understand my worth.
now I see, that when you seeyour worth, you can see everyone
else's worth too.
It's really the most importantthing to come to know who you
are because it then opens youreyes to who everyone else is
too.
(32:21):
And we're all so incrediblyvaluable.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10- (32:23):
Yeah.
Would you put a title to that?
What would you say?
that value was that I was adaughter of God
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024 (32:32):
that is exactly what I came to know.
It's one thing to, to say thewords, but it's another thing to
really know it and understandit.
And to know that you're adaughter of God.
And who you really are is thegreatest gift you could ever
have.
It changes everything.
So yeah, changed me.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10- (32:52):
Thank you.
Porsche.
How did.
Did you meet AKA?
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_14 (32:59):
I met Akka my first year in prison
in California.
I think shared with you, I justfelt so much comfort when I met
her.
We were in a unit of probably250, 300 people were locked down
other than during when we canmove around, every hour, there's
a 10 minute move so you can movefrom one place to another, but,
(33:19):
You know, when I finally gotmyself together and I started to
come out and connect with otherpeople there was Akka and she, I
didn't know she was a member ofthe church, but I noticed her
light.
I went to go over to whateverchurch service there was at the
chapel.
And there she was a member ofour church.
There was a few of us there thatwere members of the LDS church
and volunteers would come in andprovide a service for us and we
(33:42):
could get a priesthood blessing.
And, so there was thatconnection and she was a really
good example.
She would fast every Sunday andwas disciplined read her
scriptures.
And so She helped me find myway.
And I loved her and there wasCouple of members there that I
loved, that I got close to.
I was still pretty stubborn.
(34:03):
I still thought all thegovernment did me wrong and this
is unfair.
And so I was writing on a blogand they would call me over and
say, You're writing things thatmake the prison look bad.
And I'm like they shouldn't dothings.
Then, I just wasn't at thatpoint, ready to take complete
ownership of why I was inprison, which was my own fault,
(34:23):
but they ended up putting me inthe shoe, which is the
segregated housing unit.
I was there for about a monthand then they shipped me.
And when they ship you, youdon't know where you're going.
And they decided to ship me to.
Wasika, Minnesota.
when I got to Wasika, I missedall my friends, in Dublin, that
(34:44):
was hard.
Cause you don't know, they justtake you out of the population
and I started to build friendsand stuff there.
And I, what was beautiful aboutWasika was, it was a really
clean, nice prison and it was inthe Midwest.
So there were a lot of kind ofChristian influence.
A lot of the officers were.
there in the morning readingtheir Bibles I didn't have any
(35:04):
other members of the churchthere.
So that was lonely.
I had to have my husband reachout and start trying to find
members from the local ward thatcould come in and visit and
volunteer.
So I was able to get that afterabout six months, but I really
developed such a closerelationship with our Heavenly
Father.
I'd get that"Ensign" and I wouldjust read it and over.
(35:24):
And I was studying my scripturesup early every morning.
Um, a lot of prayer.
I think I spent six monthssitting outside, just crying and
reaching out to Heavenly FatherI felt so far away from my
family and I really needed, Ijust needed to open my soul.
And that was sacred time in mylife.
And so painful too, I was verydetermined.
(35:45):
I was going to leave prison.
Yeah.
An amazing person.
That was what I always said.
I'm like, I'm going to leaveprison an amazing person.
And and we all are, we're all soamazing.
Really, all I needed to know waswho I am.
Once I knew who I was, then,there was a lot of character
building that I needed to do andintegrity rebuilding and.
(36:06):
that work is the work that I didin prison.
I don't think I knew what I wasgoing to do when I got out.
I just knew the, who I wasbefore was gone and that I was
something different, theconnections that I made and my
whole view was changed.
And as I continued on thatjourney, I was able to start to
serve others, which was prettycool because I, my soul opened
(36:28):
up and I had more space to give.
And man, by the end of mysentence, I just felt so free
and joyful and so much love andconnection, deep connection.
I just had the most beautifulexperience with one of my
friends that I was in prisonwith that came to Utah for the
first time.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (36:44):
tell us about it.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_14 (36:46):
I just met this gal in Waseca.
Her name's Christina Beller andshe's, she was just so full of
light.
I could see right away and wewere roommates and she shared
her story with me and she had somuch loss.
Her father had committedsuicide.
Her mother had died from anoverdose and her son she had
placed with.
Her husband's parents to takecare of her husband had been
(37:07):
murdered.
Just loss after loss, she was sofull of light and we really got
close.
She was humble.
She, I would see her pray everynight for 45 minutes at a chair.
And I thought, wow, where doesthis girl come from?
When I left now I'm the onlymember of the LDS church and
she's a Christian and I.
I didn't really, she knew whatmy religion was different, but,
(37:29):
and we both shared faith in God.
So we were really deeplyconnected, but I didn't go into
a lot of detail about thechurch.
Most, I didn't want people to, Ifelt like a lot of times
Christians would try to tell mewhy the church was wrong or
whatever.
And I'm like, you stay where youare.
You let me do what I'm doing,but we can connect on a love of
God connection, the other thingthat people noticed was, as
(37:50):
members of the church of JesusChrist of Latter day Saints, we
have power, we have, we'reendowed with power and
protection through our templecovenants and that power is
noticeable, there is a light inus that's noticeable and people
notice that.
And they would come and theywould say, Will you come pray
with me because they would come,they would send someone over and
say, my roommate's reallystruggling.
(38:11):
Will you go get that lady overand be unit and have her come
pray with us?
They could see it.
And that to me is so beautiful.
And I wasn't telling people,this is what I do, but it's just
who I was and the way I live mylife.
And I loved Christina and sheloved me and we shared a deep
faith and love in our savior.
We prayed together.
I would have girls all the timecome and say, can you go to
(38:32):
lunch with me?
I love your prayers.
I want you to pray with ustoday.
I really value my, the covenantsthat I made with our Heavenly
Father because they're soempowering.
When Christina got out.
First of all she had nothing.
She went back to her sister wholived in a low income apartment,
to live with her and she got ajob working in a care center for
the elderly.
And she met a woman who was amember of our faith who was 86
(38:55):
years old.
Her husband had passed.
She'd had a stroke and theybecame best friends.
And this woman told her, I'vebeen waiting for you to join the
church so that I can die.
I'm still on this earth for you.
And literally Christina said,I've never felt so loved by
anyone.
I just knew that she knew me.
And so Christina, not only didshe.
(39:17):
Joined the church, but she had agood friend that she knew that
loved and noticed her light andhe also joined the church and I
got to fly back there and bewith her that day.
The day that she was Baptized.
And then I got to go to thetemple with her.
I went back to Missouri and wewent through the temple.
That was the most joyful day ofmy life.
Just being in the temple withher.
She and she goes, we met inprison.
(39:37):
And today we sat in our HeavenlyFather's highest kingdom of
glory on the earth together.
And it was just the joy I feltwas eternal joy.
So We've So joy.
It was so joyful.
And then she just came to Utah.
Yeah.
And visited Utah for the firsttime for two weeks, we went to
the MTC together.
And I shared my story there,which was so beautiful cause it
(39:59):
included her.
And then we went to threetemples in one day.
We hit every, we went to Draper,Bountiful, so beautiful.
She loved Bountiful.
We went to Oh, we just went toabout 10 different temples and
it was so amazing.
just for her to connect with myfamily and my children and, We
have this really beautifulfriendship, just like with Aka
(40:20):
too, right?
Have had these hard experiencesand then be able to go to the
temple together?
And it's just, the atonement isso beautiful.
And that transformation you,when Christina and Aka is the
same way, there's this humilityin them that said, when
Christina called me, she said,guess what, Portia, I'm buying a
comforter for my son.
(40:41):
She says, you know what thatmeans he's coming to visit me
and you can't find that kind ofjoy without the kind of loss
that we've experienced.
Like it's the littlest thingsthat make you so grateful, so
anyway, I have had so manybeautiful experiences since I
came home from prison.
The son that I placed foradoption reached out to me and
we'd built a beautifulrelationship.
(41:02):
I think the most amazing thingabout my life is that my
children trust me I've earnedtheir trust I wrote the book
that I wrote, I just wroteanother one.
Hello.
It's Stephanie I've popped himwith some good news.
Since this interview, Porschehas released her second book.
Called born to be brave.
And I want to tell you a bitabout it.
I've listened to it and havebeen so positively effected by
(41:25):
this book.
I found that every few chaptersI would need to stop and just
absorb and think about the livesof these dear people that she
has written about.
I would go find a loved one andI would tell them about these
wonderful people I was gainingnew heroes.
And these were different type ofheroes.
(41:46):
These heroes had mentalillnesses and addictions.
And they also had testimonies ofthe restored gospel of Jesus
Christ.
I found.
That in the end.
I was learning something that Ialready knew logically.
And that was that the church ofJesus Christ of latter day
(42:09):
saints.
Was for everyone.
But after finishing this book,Now I knew it.
From my heart and soul.
I knew it at that level.
And it strengthened mytestimony.
So that is the review I leavewith you for born to be brave.
(42:31):
I challenge you to listen orread that book and I'll leave it
in the show notes.
So you can get to it easilyHere's a picture.
So you can.
See her first book.
Living ladder a compassionatejourney.
Through federal prison.
Her website is portialouder.com.
And she's also on Facebook now.
(42:52):
She's about.
To share what I consider hermost poignant story within her
prison sentence.
Be sure to subscribe and likethis video, so you can receive.
Every story where the hand ofGod has.
Touched a person's life.
And others can find thosevideos.
(43:13):
Thank you now back to theinterview.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2 (43:16):
there's all kinds of beautiful things
that have come into my life, butI didn't know what it would look
like.
I just had to trust HeavenlyFather and let go of who I
thought I was and become theperson that I'm truly on this
earth to be.
Yeah.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (43:31):
Oh, Portia, what a beautiful
experience.
What a gift for us, all of us tohear this and hear these about
these beautiful bonds thatyou've had with Christina, and
Aka and these other women.
And I've heard more cause I'veread the book.
It was so many more women whilein prison and so many lives
(43:54):
you've touched since, especiallysince being out of prison.
You shared with me, you have afavorite scripture in Doctrine
and Covenants.
Would you like to share thatwith us before we end?
Yes.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_14 (44:07):
I would love to.
this scripture has a lot ofmeaning to me because before I
went to prison I went through areally traumatic experience I
shared in my book where it wastaken into custody.
And I remember I had beentransferred from place to place
and it was really disorientingand confusing.
And I was in Seattle at a time.
At a high rise prison that theywere doing in a mental
(44:28):
evaluation.
And I I heard the words LDS comeover the intercom and I ran out
and I said what does that mean?
And he goes, there's LDSvolunteers here.
And I said I want to see them.
I'm a member of that church,there were these two Pauline.
And when they came in, I justimmediately started to cry and I
(44:52):
said, could you please pleasegive me a blessing?
And he, they said, yes.
And man put his hands on my headand he said your whole,
everything in your life will berestored.
He said, You, your HeavenlyFather knows how strong you are.
he endowed you with strength togo through everything you've
been through.
And then he said be thou humblebecause the Lord thy God will
(45:15):
lead thee by the hand.
And I thought that's ascripture, so I went back and I
asked him I said, why did yousay that scripture?
And he said, that's thescripture your Heavenly Father
wants you to focus on.
And then he told me he said,what you've been through is
hard, Portia.
He goes, I can feel that paininside you.
What you've been through ishard.
He said, but your life will bebeautiful someday.
(45:38):
And then the other gentlemantold me, he said, we weren't
planning on coming here today.
He said, we went downstairs andwe asked if there were any
members of our church and theydidn't know of any that were
here.
And he said, so we just startedgoing up.
The elevators.
And we stopped before we came tothis floor and figure we would
leave.
And then we said a prayer anddecided that we needed to come
up one more floor.
And he said I have no doubtwe're here to give you that
(46:00):
priesthood blessing.
And so I wrote that down andbelieve me, what I thought he
meant when he said, everythingin your life will be restored
was that I wouldn't have to goto prison.
Everything was going to workout.
But what I know is that that itwas the journey I was supposed
to take and that when I amhumble, I'm my very best self.
That's when I feel the closestto Heavenly Father.
(46:22):
And I had a lot of humility tolearn through this process still
do.
But I'm so grateful, I have cometo know that Our Heavenly Father
is so aware of us, like the factthat they were there that day
and could give me thatpriesthood blessing.
I Had so many hard things stillto go through whenever I,
struggling, I think of thatscripture.
I'm like, be that humble Portia,the Lord that God believed by
(46:44):
the hand, that is my mission isto be more humble When I look at
people with humility, it's soappealing to me, you know, more
of it.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-20 (46:52):
oh, what a miracle.
portia-louder_1_02-10-2024_1 (46:54):
It really was.
my faith in the power of theatonement of Jesus Christ is so
firm.
There is no way that I couldeven be mentally sound if it
worked, with the things that Iwent through were really
difficult and only through thepower of the atonement of Jesus
Christ.
I know who I am because of JesusChrist and I'm so grateful for
(47:14):
that
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-202 (47:16):
He will make up for all the
unfairness,
portia-louder_1_02-10-202 (47:19):
yeah.
squadcaster-bdcb_1_02-10-2 (47:19):
like that time in your life right
there.
portia-louder_1_02-1 (47:22):
Stephanie.
Thank you for inviting me onthis today.
Microphone (2- Samson Q2U M (47:24):
Ah, Portia, hearing your story, at
times it overtook me withemotion as you saw, and matter
of fact I had to record or rerecord this portion because it
was so difficult to understandwhat I was saying.
So I want to say thank you forthat life changing experience.
(47:45):
Thank you for sharing your storywith us and lifting me.
I want to thank our audience forlistening, and I'm curious, what
did you think of Portia's storyand how it was portrayed?
I want you to write about it inthe comments And let me know,
did it remind you anything aboutyour life?
(48:07):
Do you have a story ofredemption?
Or is your story more of asimple story, where you've seen
the hand of God in your life?
I want to hear about it andstart talking to you about it,
because perhaps your story wouldchange someone's life, like
Portia's story has changed mylife.
(48:31):
Thank you for listening today.
Remember to like and subscribethis video, and for now, I will
say farewell.
Until we meet again.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.