Episode Transcript
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Jim (00:01):
Hello and welcome to this episode of Decide on Joy, a
podcast coming to you fromHarmony Spiritual Center in Fort
Worth, Texas.
My name is Jim Kovalt.
Pjae (00:11):
And my name is Rev.
Dr.
P.
J.
Stanley, and we are so glad tobe here today.
Welcome, and thanks for beinghere.
Jim (00:17):
Yeah, today's episode is called Don't Shud on Yourself.
We have to be careful about ourpronunciation.
We have to
Pjae (00:25):
be very, very careful.
Very careful.
Jim (00:28):
Or not.
Yeah, exactly.
Not that we really care.
But this is something that getssaid a lot.
I mean, this podcast is, atleast in a major part, about
aspects of New ThoughtSpirituality, and it's something
that gets said a lot in thatcontext, is why we're talking
about it.
So what exactly does that?
Pjae (00:49):
Yeah.
It, you know, and it's, I thinkeveryone, you know, if you all
that are listening and, and, youknow, us, us here, when we think
about it, that word, it just, itinvokes feelings of shame, like
someone else knows more than wedo or they think they do.
And that whole telling somebodywhat they should do set, or even
(01:10):
telling yourself that, setsyourself up for either not
liking yourself.
Because you're telling yourself,oh, you're not doing, you're not
doing a good job.
You should have done this, youshould have done that.
Or, setting it up that someoneoutside of you is an authority
on what your life should,should, here we go.
And it's so easy for that wordto slide out.
What your life is supposed tolook like.
(01:30):
Your life, and the reason why Iwanted to talk about this is
because We and I have a womanthat I listen to a great deal.
I mean, I love what she says andshe always says you Individually
are the highest authority aboutwhat is supposed to is or is not
happening in your life So no oneincluding yourself shooting on
you is correct about What yourlife can look like because it's
(01:54):
all up to you and we know thatas we're growing and Evolving
our life is changing and what wethought was going to work for us
and what did work for us in Atone point in our lives.
It's not going to continue towork because we are growing and
evolving and so to say that youshould be what you were before
which a lot of people like to dobecause that's their comfort
level of Knowing you in a waythat they knew you before so
(02:18):
this is just about just Beingcareful About our word usage,
because our words are sopowerful.
And that's why I wanted to talkabout it today.
Jim (02:26):
And, and sometimes, I mean that's something like it's
about, you know, major levelthings, but it can be just
daily, like, microaggressions.
We just, I know.
I'm constantly doing that.
It's like.
Oh, I should have said that.
I, I should have.
Pjae (02:43):
Yes.
We just did a setting this up.
I just said something about Ishould have, I don't even know
what, I can't, it just came soquickly, I can't even recall
what I said about myself.
But something I did here today.
Oh, you should have done that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Jim (02:57):
Yeah.
It can be even simple things,but they still have the same
effect.
Pjae (03:01):
They really do.
They really do.
And it's such a, it's not evensubtle, but the way that we keep
saying it and letting, lettingit slip out is subtle.
So we don't even catch it thatwe're doing it.
So this is just one of thosetimes, one of those podcasts
where I want to share with yousome things that we, one might
want to think about catching.
Because it really shifts how wefeel about ourselves and what
(03:24):
we're allowing other people, howwe're allowing other people to
or even just taking on whatsomeone else says and how that
makes us feel.
We can, we can, we can changethat.
That doesn't have to make usfeel any way unless we say that
it does.
So we get to, we get to, we getto change that.
And I wanted to bring that upand make us aware of that.
Jim (03:43):
So.
How do we go about changingthat?
Other than just saying, Oh, Ishouldn't have said should.
Pjae (03:51):
Exactly.
And so part of any, any changethat's going to happen, any
evolution that happens in yourlife is about noticing it.
To begin with, that it's evenhappening.
And then, another thing that thewoman that I like to talk to, I
love what she has to say,noticing what you're noticing.
So sometimes we noticesomething, but we let it slide
by.
We don't stop and say, wait aminute.
(04:13):
So I noticed that and, and, andwhat do I want to do about that?
So noticing what you'renoticing, it means to stop and
say, no, that's not true aboutme.
I no longer want to use thosewords.
One of the things that we do alot individuals, I'm not, there,
there's no one in particularthat I'm thinking of, but we
shame ourselves in the way ourbodies look, the way our clothes
(04:34):
look.
And.
It's very important that wecatch ourselves saying whatever
negative things we're saying toourselves and go back to the, to
the source.
Where did that thinking comefrom?
Is that even true?
So a lot of times we'll saythings about it and we don't
even know that it's true or not.
It may have been true at onepoint.
(04:54):
It may never have been true.
It's just something that someoneelse has said.
Generally an authority figure.
Someone we've given theauthority to that has said
things like, Oh girl, you know,you should know better.
Well, how?
Well, no better than what?
Jim (05:11):
Hello.
Pjae (05:12):
Yeah.
Jim (05:12):
And sometimes, I mean, I know Certainly things people
have said to me, probably quitecasually, you know, they didn't
mean it to be, but for somereason it sticks, you know, it
lodges itself in your littlebrain and there you
Pjae (05:29):
are.
And there you are years laterwith that little prickly thing
still in your, in your head andin your ear.
And the question becomes, theymay very well have said it
casually with no meaning at all.
And yet it stuck for you.
Which means it has meaning foryou.
These are the things that webegin to notice, what we're
noticing, in terms of why.
(05:50):
Because the only power we have,and this is the greatest thing
that we talk about in NewThought.
The only power, and the greatestpower we have is our, our
choices that we make.
And that we decide.
What matters to us, that is abeautiful thing.
And so we begin to notice thatsomeone said something and it
hurt us or it bothered us insome way, or it brought
(06:11):
something up.
Now, if that is an opportunityfor us to grow, to notice what
we're noticing and say, why didthat bother me?
Where does that come from?
This is the only way that you,that you educate yourself in
terms of who you are now.
And who you want to become.
And what we talk about in NewThought, in this particular
Harmony Spiritual Center, is tobe it is to be purposeful about
(06:34):
your life.
So because of these littlethings that are, that are just
happening, that you're saying toyourself that came from
someplace else, but that's alsocreating your future.
It's creating your future self.
So, it's important that wenotice it, and that we question
ourselves about it.
Is that mine?
Did I, do I believe that?
Why am I, why am I talking tomyself that way?
Jim (06:55):
Yes, yeah, and it's, it's, I mean you can't, you can't go
back and change the past.
No.
point blaming whoever said thatto you.
Really can't.
Assuming it was someone else,but you can.
Investigate why you're soattached to it.
That
Pjae (07:12):
right there.
I love that word attachment.
I think it's gonna be a podcast.
Look attachment.
Why are you attached to it?
That is a great question.
And somehow we've given whoever,however that got attached
whoever said it, we gave themsome authority in our lives for
some reason.
And, and they might have hadsome actual authority at some
point in our lives.
And they may not have.
We just may have wantedsomething from them and just we
(07:33):
like them and just Everythingthat came out of their mouth.
We thought were pearls
Jim (07:37):
even if they said something negative to us Yeah, or even not
that I mean it could be someoneyou you hardly know might have
said Oh, you know, you shouldnever wear the color whatever.
Yeah, and then,
Pjae (07:48):
yeah, now you're rocked, and you're like, what's wrong
with this color?
Jim (07:50):
Yeah.
Pjae (07:51):
What do you mean?
What does it look like on me?
And now you're going down thisrabbit hole.
Yeah,
Jim (07:57):
Or, or in a positive way, they might have said you should
only wear.
Pjae (08:00):
Right, right.
Red or whatever.
Right, right.
Jim (08:04):
And without necessarily, they may not have been some,
some style authority orwhatever.
Right.
For some whatever reason.
Pjae (08:12):
Right.
I can tell you that I'm, and youknow, I don't have to tell you,
but I'm just going to say what'sobvious between the two of us is
that I'm quite opinionated.
I have, it's a shock, but yes,so I have a lot of opinions, but
my opinions aren't I, and Idon't know that other people
think this way about themselvesas well.
I'm just saying what I see.
(08:34):
I'm not saying this is how youshould be or you need to change
anything.
I'm just mentioning what I see.
But the power of that, if, if,if for whatever reason someone
has given you authority in theirlives because you're a good
friend or because you're theirspiritual leader or any number
of reasons.
Then they have to be verycareful about what I'm saying to
people because of they may takeit on, but that's my
(08:56):
responsibility because I want tobe a loving person.
So that's part of my journey asa loving person to be clear and
careful.
And, and I'm not, I'm not goingto always catch it, but to be
open to allowing people to tellme when I've hurt them, when
I've said something that'sbothered them.
I hope that that's A conceptthat I'm getting out there when
(09:17):
I speak to people, please feelfree to share.
It won't, it honestly won't hurtmy feelings because I'm not
responsible for your thoughts.
I'm only responsible for what Isaid, you know, what I said and
I, and I'll take that.
I'll take that on.
But then we work on, well, whydid what I say mean anything to
you?
And we can go, you know, we canwork on that.
But yeah, so it's a, it's, youknow, we're, we're just in this,
(09:40):
in this universe where there's awhole dance of things that go on
and all we can do.
And which is what I'm talkingabout right now, is to take
responsibility for how we feelabout things.
And we have a huge way, a hugepower in our lives to say, I
don't, I don't want to own thatanymore.
I, I'm tired of being pricked,you know, I'm tired of my heart
getting pricked by people whomay or may not even know that
(10:04):
they pricked my heart.
So why do they have power?
Jim (10:07):
Right.
Right.
Why
Pjae (10:09):
do they have power?
Jim (10:10):
And, and sometimes those, those shoulds or should nots or
whatever may be just acumulative thing from like the
environment you were brought upin or whatever.
And those are maybe the hardestones.
They are so hard.
You know, because you're notnecessarily even aware of them.
No.
Pjae (10:30):
No.
No.
And so part of it, part ofbecoming aware is when, is when
you do.
When you say, I don't.
I don't want to take that on.
I don't want to keep havingthat.
And you can make a decisionabout it.
But yeah, notice what you'renoticing.
That's, that's the becomingaware of these things that, that
this is not me.
This is not what I want to be,say, do, have happen to me or
(10:52):
take on because someone else hasdone that.
So these are all the things weget to think about.
I'm not talking about walkingaround all the time thinking
about what should I do aboutthis or what should I, it's not
about that.
It's just about when somethingdoes come up to know that you
have the power.
To investigate for yourself whatthat means and what you want to
do about it.
That is all.
Jim (11:10):
Right.
And, and, deciding you don'twant to keep it, or whatever.
Yes.
May be something that you haveto decide more than once.
Pjae (11:20):
Exactly.
Exactly, because if you justtalked about it, it could be
something that's beenaccumulative amounts of things
that have gone on.
So it's not going to go awayeasy.
It's not going down.
Jim (11:31):
You can't just say, no, I'm
Pjae (11:32):
done.
I'm done.
Stop it.
No, it's going to say, sure youare.
Let's see about that.
Yeah.
Jim (11:42):
Yeah.
Pjae (11:43):
Yeah.
And so, yeah.
And part of the, the, the thingthat I want to know is that, If
I tell someone, even mychildren, people that I feel
like it's my job to try to guidethem through their lives, but I
don't, at this point in theirlives, I, they, they know enough
(12:03):
about who they want to be.
They're at an age where I feellike they can make their own
decisions.
I don't want to do anything,because I still am their parent.
So have some kind of a parentauthority figure.
Over them and I check in with mydaughter because we and I she
and I talk a lot I check in withmy daughter a lot and ask her am
I talking with you as an adultor am I talking to like a parent
(12:24):
Because if I am just you know,just say mom No, I've got this
don't you're talking to me likeyou're my mom and I need you to
talk to me like I'm an adultOkay, let's do that So I check
in regularly because I don't shedoesn't want to hurt my feelings
and she still hasn't got thatIt's hard to hurt my feelings
It's so hard
Jim (12:45):
And I see here, I mean, we've basically said this, but
still one of the main thingsabout that whole should thing is
that it's disempowering.
Pjae (12:54):
It just is.
It just is.
It's like, it's as if.
Someone else knows better thanyou about what you should be
doing.
And where does that even comefrom?
Like, what did they, how do theyknow?
So they have a whole list ofthings that they've grown up
with that they're now trying toput off on you and everyone
else.
(13:14):
Again, not being someone who hasthought about what they're
saying and why is.
What they believe and howthey've been raised something
you want somebody else to do andact like why do you need that
comfort level for everyone toact like the way that you were
raised,
Jim (13:28):
right?
Pjae (13:29):
That's part of what that is.
And so it is disempowering.
Jim (13:31):
And sometimes even like with those little things, like I
was saying earlier, like theyOh, I should have said this
instead of that.
Yes, yes.
Frequently, that's also comingfrom some outside opinion of How
you should be behaving, youknow, or I should have been more
productive today.
(13:52):
Oh,
Pjae (13:52):
my stars.
That part.
Cause there's so, there's a lotof in, in, and I don't know
about the rest of it.
I'm, I'm, I'm an Americancitizen.
I've been here my whole life.
I've traveled a lot, but thisis, this is where I am.
And so we just have this thingwhere we're supposed to always
be, you know, working hard andgetting things done.
Well, and I don't know what thenew generation, I'm, let me just
talk about my generation.
We're also working hard.
(14:12):
So, you know, I have to actuallytalk.
to myself about sitting down andwatching a TV show.
Okay, what are you doing?
Have you finished this?
Have you finished that?
Shut up.
Actually, tell myself, shut up.
I am watching this show.
Be quiet.
So yeah, yeah, there's all somany, so many rules.
(14:35):
We have in our head about howlife is supposed to be and how
I'm supposed to be.
But in the end, you, again, arethe highest authority.
So if, if you're hearingmessages that don't work with
who you are right now, that's atime when you can question it
and say, is that mine?
Is that someone else?
And I'm ready to let that go.
That's no longer serving me.
(14:55):
I can let it go.
And that's what we talk abouthere on Decide on Joy.
Make decisions about your life.
So that you can have the lifethat you actually want.
We don't know how much time wehave.
I'm so glad to be here today.
But I didn't have to be.
Neither did you.
So, I don't want to, for me.
I don't want to waste any time.
I don't want to waste any moretime living a life that isn't
(15:17):
mine, or hurting other peopleunintentionally.
That's not how I want to live.
So, just decide on joy andmaking these decisions about how
you want to be and how you wantto show up is important to me.
And I want to share it with youand our listening audience, if
that's what they'd like to do aswell.
This is how you do it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Jim (15:33):
A good place to stop for today, I think.
Thank you all for being here andwe will see you next time.
Hello and welcome to this episode of Decide on Joy, a
podcast coming to you fromHarmony Spiritual Center in Fort
Worth, Texas.
My name is Jim Kovalt.
Pjae (00:11):
And my name is Rev.
Dr.
P.
J.
Stanley, and we are so glad tobe here today.
Welcome, and thanks for beinghere.
Jim (00:17):
Yeah, today's episode is called Don't Shud on Yourself.
We have to be careful about ourpronunciation.
We have to
Pjae (00:25):
be very, very careful.
Very careful.
Jim (00:28):
Or not.
Yeah, exactly.
Not that we really care.
But this is something that getssaid a lot.
I mean, this podcast is, atleast in a major part, about
aspects of New ThoughtSpirituality, and it's something
that gets said a lot in thatcontext, is why we're talking
about it.
So what exactly does that?
Pjae (00:49):
Yeah.
It, you know, and it's, I thinkeveryone, you know, if you all
that are listening and, and, youknow, us, us here, when we think
about it, that word, it just, itinvokes feelings of shame, like
someone else knows more than wedo or they think they do.
And that whole telling somebodywhat they should do set, or even
(01:10):
telling yourself that, setsyourself up for either not
liking yourself.
Because you're telling yourself,oh, you're not doing, you're not
doing a good job.
You should have done this, youshould have done that.
Or, setting it up that someoneoutside of you is an authority
on what your life should,should, here we go.
And it's so easy for that wordto slide out.
What your life is supposed tolook like.
(01:30):
Your life, and the reason why Iwanted to talk about this is
because We and I have a womanthat I listen to a great deal.
I mean, I love what she says andshe always says you Individually
are the highest authority aboutwhat is supposed to is or is not
happening in your life So no oneincluding yourself shooting on
you is correct about What yourlife can look like because it's
(01:54):
all up to you and we know thatas we're growing and Evolving
our life is changing and what wethought was going to work for us
and what did work for us in Atone point in our lives.
It's not going to continue towork because we are growing and
evolving and so to say that youshould be what you were before
which a lot of people like to dobecause that's their comfort
level of Knowing you in a waythat they knew you before so
(02:18):
this is just about just Beingcareful About our word usage,
because our words are sopowerful.
And that's why I wanted to talkabout it today.
Jim (02:26):
And, and sometimes, I mean that's something like it's
about, you know, major levelthings, but it can be just
daily, like, microaggressions.
We just, I know.
I'm constantly doing that.
It's like.
Oh, I should have said that.
I, I should have.
Pjae (02:43):
Yes.
We just did a setting this up.
I just said something about Ishould have, I don't even know
what, I can't, it just came soquickly, I can't even recall
what I said about myself.
But something I did here today.
Oh, you should have done that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Jim (02:57):
Yeah.
It can be even simple things,but they still have the same
effect.
Pjae (03:01):
They really do.
They really do.
And it's such a, it's not evensubtle, but the way that we keep
saying it and letting, lettingit slip out is subtle.
So we don't even catch it thatwe're doing it.
So this is just one of thosetimes, one of those podcasts
where I want to share with yousome things that we, one might
want to think about catching.
Because it really shifts how wefeel about ourselves and what
(03:24):
we're allowing other people, howwe're allowing other people to
or even just taking on whatsomeone else says and how that
makes us feel.
We can, we can, we can changethat.
That doesn't have to make usfeel any way unless we say that
it does.
So we get to, we get to, we getto change that.
And I wanted to bring that upand make us aware of that.
Jim (03:43):
So.
How do we go about changingthat?
Other than just saying, Oh, Ishouldn't have said should.
Pjae (03:51):
Exactly.
And so part of any, any changethat's going to happen, any
evolution that happens in yourlife is about noticing it.
To begin with, that it's evenhappening.
And then, another thing that thewoman that I like to talk to, I
love what she has to say,noticing what you're noticing.
So sometimes we noticesomething, but we let it slide
by.
We don't stop and say, wait aminute.
(04:13):
So I noticed that and, and, andwhat do I want to do about that?
So noticing what you'renoticing, it means to stop and
say, no, that's not true aboutme.
I no longer want to use thosewords.
One of the things that we do alot individuals, I'm not, there,
there's no one in particularthat I'm thinking of, but we
shame ourselves in the way ourbodies look, the way our clothes
(04:34):
look.
And.
It's very important that wecatch ourselves saying whatever
negative things we're saying toourselves and go back to the, to
the source.
Where did that thinking comefrom?
Is that even true?
So a lot of times we'll saythings about it and we don't
even know that it's true or not.
It may have been true at onepoint.
(04:54):
It may never have been true.
It's just something that someoneelse has said.
Generally an authority figure.
Someone we've given theauthority to that has said
things like, Oh girl, you know,you should know better.
Well, how?
Well, no better than what?
Jim (05:11):
Hello.
Pjae (05:12):
Yeah.
Jim (05:12):
And sometimes, I mean, I know Certainly things people
have said to me, probably quitecasually, you know, they didn't
mean it to be, but for somereason it sticks, you know, it
lodges itself in your littlebrain and there you
Pjae (05:29):
are.
And there you are years laterwith that little prickly thing
still in your, in your head andin your ear.
And the question becomes, theymay very well have said it
casually with no meaning at all.
And yet it stuck for you.
Which means it has meaning foryou.
These are the things that webegin to notice, what we're
noticing, in terms of why.
(05:50):
Because the only power we have,and this is the greatest thing
that we talk about in NewThought.
The only power, and the greatestpower we have is our, our
choices that we make.
And that we decide.
What matters to us, that is abeautiful thing.
And so we begin to notice thatsomeone said something and it
hurt us or it bothered us insome way, or it brought
(06:11):
something up.
Now, if that is an opportunityfor us to grow, to notice what
we're noticing and say, why didthat bother me?
Where does that come from?
This is the only way that you,that you educate yourself in
terms of who you are now.
And who you want to become.
And what we talk about in NewThought, in this particular
Harmony Spiritual Center, is tobe it is to be purposeful about
(06:34):
your life.
So because of these littlethings that are, that are just
happening, that you're saying toyourself that came from
someplace else, but that's alsocreating your future.
It's creating your future self.
So, it's important that wenotice it, and that we question
ourselves about it.
Is that mine?
Did I, do I believe that?
Why am I, why am I talking tomyself that way?
Jim (06:55):
Yes, yeah, and it's, it's, I mean you can't, you can't go
back and change the past.
No.
point blaming whoever said thatto you.
Really can't.
Assuming it was someone else,but you can.
Investigate why you're soattached to it.
That
Pjae (07:12):
right there.
I love that word attachment.
I think it's gonna be a podcast.
Look attachment.
Why are you attached to it?
That is a great question.
And somehow we've given whoever,however that got attached
whoever said it, we gave themsome authority in our lives for
some reason.
And, and they might have hadsome actual authority at some
point in our lives.
And they may not have.
We just may have wantedsomething from them and just we
(07:33):
like them and just Everythingthat came out of their mouth.
We thought were pearls
Jim (07:37):
even if they said something negative to us Yeah, or even not
that I mean it could be someoneyou you hardly know might have
said Oh, you know, you shouldnever wear the color whatever.
Yeah, and then,
Pjae (07:48):
yeah, now you're rocked, and you're like, what's wrong
with this color?
Jim (07:50):
Yeah.
Pjae (07:51):
What do you mean?
What does it look like on me?
And now you're going down thisrabbit hole.
Yeah,
Jim (07:57):
Or, or in a positive way, they might have said you should
only wear.
Pjae (08:00):
Right, right.
Red or whatever.
Right, right.
Jim (08:04):
And without necessarily, they may not have been some,
some style authority orwhatever.
Right.
For some whatever reason.
Pjae (08:12):
Right.
I can tell you that I'm, and youknow, I don't have to tell you,
but I'm just going to say what'sobvious between the two of us is
that I'm quite opinionated.
I have, it's a shock, but yes,so I have a lot of opinions, but
my opinions aren't I, and Idon't know that other people
think this way about themselvesas well.
I'm just saying what I see.
(08:34):
I'm not saying this is how youshould be or you need to change
anything.
I'm just mentioning what I see.
But the power of that, if, if,if for whatever reason someone
has given you authority in theirlives because you're a good
friend or because you're theirspiritual leader or any number
of reasons.
Then they have to be verycareful about what I'm saying to
people because of they may takeit on, but that's my
(08:56):
responsibility because I want tobe a loving person.
So that's part of my journey asa loving person to be clear and
careful.
And, and I'm not, I'm not goingto always catch it, but to be
open to allowing people to tellme when I've hurt them, when
I've said something that'sbothered them.
I hope that that's A conceptthat I'm getting out there when
(09:17):
I speak to people, please feelfree to share.
It won't, it honestly won't hurtmy feelings because I'm not
responsible for your thoughts.
I'm only responsible for what Isaid, you know, what I said and
I, and I'll take that.
I'll take that on.
But then we work on, well, whydid what I say mean anything to
you?
And we can go, you know, we canwork on that.
But yeah, so it's a, it's, youknow, we're, we're just in this,
(09:40):
in this universe where there's awhole dance of things that go on
and all we can do.
And which is what I'm talkingabout right now, is to take
responsibility for how we feelabout things.
And we have a huge way, a hugepower in our lives to say, I
don't, I don't want to own thatanymore.
I, I'm tired of being pricked,you know, I'm tired of my heart
getting pricked by people whomay or may not even know that
(10:04):
they pricked my heart.
So why do they have power?
Jim (10:07):
Right.
Right.
Why
Pjae (10:09):
do they have power?
Jim (10:10):
And, and sometimes those, those shoulds or should nots or
whatever may be just acumulative thing from like the
environment you were brought upin or whatever.
And those are maybe the hardestones.
They are so hard.
You know, because you're notnecessarily even aware of them.
No.
Pjae (10:30):
No.
No.
And so part of it, part ofbecoming aware is when, is when
you do.
When you say, I don't.
I don't want to take that on.
I don't want to keep havingthat.
And you can make a decisionabout it.
But yeah, notice what you'renoticing.
That's, that's the becomingaware of these things that, that
this is not me.
This is not what I want to be,say, do, have happen to me or
(10:52):
take on because someone else hasdone that.
So these are all the things weget to think about.
I'm not talking about walkingaround all the time thinking
about what should I do aboutthis or what should I, it's not
about that.
It's just about when somethingdoes come up to know that you
have the power.
To investigate for yourself whatthat means and what you want to
do about it.
That is all.
Jim (11:10):
Right.
And, and, deciding you don'twant to keep it, or whatever.
Yes.
May be something that you haveto decide more than once.
Pjae (11:20):
Exactly.
Exactly, because if you justtalked about it, it could be
something that's beenaccumulative amounts of things
that have gone on.
So it's not going to go awayeasy.
It's not going down.
Jim (11:31):
You can't just say, no, I'm
Pjae (11:32):
done.
I'm done.
Stop it.
No, it's going to say, sure youare.
Let's see about that.
Yeah.
Jim (11:42):
Yeah.
Pjae (11:43):
Yeah.
And so, yeah.
And part of the, the, the thingthat I want to know is that, If
I tell someone, even mychildren, people that I feel
like it's my job to try to guidethem through their lives, but I
don't, at this point in theirlives, I, they, they know enough
(12:03):
about who they want to be.
They're at an age where I feellike they can make their own
decisions.
I don't want to do anything,because I still am their parent.
So have some kind of a parentauthority figure.
Over them and I check in with mydaughter because we and I she
and I talk a lot I check in withmy daughter a lot and ask her am
I talking with you as an adultor am I talking to like a parent
(12:24):
Because if I am just you know,just say mom No, I've got this
don't you're talking to me likeyou're my mom and I need you to
talk to me like I'm an adultOkay, let's do that So I check
in regularly because I don't shedoesn't want to hurt my feelings
and she still hasn't got thatIt's hard to hurt my feelings
It's so hard
Jim (12:45):
And I see here, I mean, we've basically said this, but
still one of the main thingsabout that whole should thing is
that it's disempowering.
Pjae (12:54):
It just is.
It just is.
It's like, it's as if.
Someone else knows better thanyou about what you should be
doing.
And where does that even comefrom?
Like, what did they, how do theyknow?
So they have a whole list ofthings that they've grown up
with that they're now trying toput off on you and everyone
else.
(13:14):
Again, not being someone who hasthought about what they're
saying and why is.
What they believe and howthey've been raised something
you want somebody else to do andact like why do you need that
comfort level for everyone toact like the way that you were
raised,
Jim (13:28):
right?
Pjae (13:29):
That's part of what that is.
And so it is disempowering.
Jim (13:31):
And sometimes even like with those little things, like I
was saying earlier, like theyOh, I should have said this
instead of that.
Yes, yes.
Frequently, that's also comingfrom some outside opinion of How
you should be behaving, youknow, or I should have been more
productive today.
(13:52):
Oh,
Pjae (13:52):
my stars.
That part.
Cause there's so, there's a lotof in, in, and I don't know
about the rest of it.
I'm, I'm, I'm an Americancitizen.
I've been here my whole life.
I've traveled a lot, but thisis, this is where I am.
And so we just have this thingwhere we're supposed to always
be, you know, working hard andgetting things done.
Well, and I don't know what thenew generation, I'm, let me just
talk about my generation.
We're also working hard.
(14:12):
So, you know, I have to actuallytalk.
to myself about sitting down andwatching a TV show.
Okay, what are you doing?
Have you finished this?
Have you finished that?
Shut up.
Actually, tell myself, shut up.
I am watching this show.
Be quiet.
So yeah, yeah, there's all somany, so many rules.
(14:35):
We have in our head about howlife is supposed to be and how
I'm supposed to be.
But in the end, you, again, arethe highest authority.
So if, if you're hearingmessages that don't work with
who you are right now, that's atime when you can question it
and say, is that mine?
Is that someone else?
And I'm ready to let that go.
That's no longer serving me.
(14:55):
I can let it go.
And that's what we talk abouthere on Decide on Joy.
Make decisions about your life.
So that you can have the lifethat you actually want.
We don't know how much time wehave.
I'm so glad to be here today.
But I didn't have to be.
Neither did you.
So, I don't want to, for me.
I don't want to waste any time.
I don't want to waste any moretime living a life that isn't
(15:17):
mine, or hurting other peopleunintentionally.
That's not how I want to live.
So, just decide on joy andmaking these decisions about how
you want to be and how you wantto show up is important to me.
And I want to share it with youand our listening audience, if
that's what they'd like to do aswell.
This is how you do it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Jim (15:33):
A good place to stop for today, I think.
Thank you all for being here andwe will see you next time.
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