Navigating Then and Now

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Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Hello and welcome to thisepisode of Decide on Joy, a
podcast coming to you fromHarmony Spiritual Center in Fort
Worth, Texas.
My name is Jim Covalt.
And I am Reverend Dr.
P.
J.
Stanley.
Welcome and thank you for beinghere today.
This, this podcast is, is aboutsome basic stuff in new thought

(00:21):
spirituality and, and thingsbeyond that as well.
This is one of the things that'sa bit beyond that, but this
episode is called NavigatingThen and Now.
What exactly do we mean by that?
Exactly.
So let me come back to yourpoint you, you just, you made in
that this is a, this A podcastabout new thought, but what we
do here in new thought, whichmakes this relevant is that

(00:42):
we're talking about how to havea great life.
All the things that it takes.
It takes so many things to knowand to do and to be.
And so this navigating the thenand now is a part of it.
As you are evolving, which weknow that we do, we are
constantly learning, evolving,becoming a better person.
You, a better you, whatever thatmeans to you.
And so, people that have knownyou when you grew up, when you

(01:05):
were in, particularly here inthe South, there's a lot of
people that have known eachother for a long time.
When they were in elementaryschool, high school, junior high
school, college, all of thatsort of thing.
And then as you are deciding whoyou want to be, and you're
making steps in that direction,you actually put on that, the
clothing of something new,something different.
You have people saying you'renot, you changed.

(01:28):
You're different.
You're not how you used to be.
We didn't used to do that.
And it's so interesting thatthat's what people say, and
that's what we're supposed to bedoing, is growing and changing,
but when you actually do, youcan tell it's like it's a
negative thing.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what this is about.
Well, you know, this is, peopleare used to dealing with, with
what they, What, with what theyknew previously and so it's, it,

(01:54):
it takes them off guard.
I expect, you know, it's like,oh, this is, this is a different
version of this person, youknow?
And, and yeah, where's myfriend?
Where's the person I grew upwith?
You didn't speak that waybefore.
You're getting too big for yourbritches.
Oh, you think you're smarterthan us, because now you have a
degree, or whatever you do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(02:16):
So, you know, it's like anegative for you to improve your
life sometimes, sometimes.
Yes, or, I mean, it could be thereverse of that.
It could be people who, who hadthe degrees and all that thing,
and maybe you were someone whochose a different path, and they
might be yeah.
Yeah.
Have the same sort of attitudeabout that.
Exactly.

(02:36):
Exactly.
And so, you know, how do younavigate that?
How do you, and it's about youpersonally navigating.
How do you feel good about ifit's you that's making a change
or if it's a friend that'smaking a change?
How do you navigate that?
How do you, if you even decidethat that's a friendship that
you want to keep?
Because sometimes they actuallydo go and become something that
you're not familiar with or thatyou don't really want to be

(02:57):
around anymore.
And that's a hard thing to thinkor say with someone that you've,
you've cared for.
And known in your life and thathas carried you through some
different things.
And now they're at a completelydifferent place that you don't
want to be.
So, how do we do that as well?
Right.
You know, in the kindest waypossible.
Or conversely, if you're theperson who has done the change,

(03:18):
well presumably they would havechanged as well.
Yes.
Yes.
I mean, you know, nobody justsits still.
No.
But, really.
No.
But, if you're the person whodid the changing, then you might
likewise decide, oh, these arenot people I need to be around
anymore.
That can help me stay in thislife I've chosen to live.
Correct.
Right.
Yeah.
Exactly.
So, those are the things.
So we just want to talk aboutsome, some skills, some key

(03:41):
skills that will help younavigate that either on either
side.
Okay, and what are some of thoseskills?
Well, if you are the person thathas done the changing and you've
either are trying to stay inthe, with the people that you've
been with or you're going,moving elsewhere.
One of the first things, ofcourse, is just to be really
clear about who you are.

(04:01):
Because when you step into thosesituations and people are
saying, well, you know, You'regetting to be three bridges.
You're not who we used to bethat you could be real
comfortable and calm with sayingit.
No, that is true.
I have changed.
I have grown.
I have taken on these differentthings, but I am still someone
that you know and love.
I still have the heart ofsomeone you know and love.
So just being real clear foryourself so that you can speak
with them.

(04:22):
And another thing that's one ofthe skills is so you could be
with them with compassion,knowing that, yeah, they have
lost the friend that they knew,but they haven't necessarily
lost a friend.
They just lost the idea of whoyou were before, and that you
could very well move forwardwith being who you are now, if
they, if they want to.
Right.
It's, it's, this may be asidetrack, but it also occurs to

(04:42):
me that it's possible that youmight not realize.
I mean, you're talking about asituation where you very
consciously had, had worked onsomething and, and changed and
developed and whatnot, but maybethat's not the case.
Maybe you're not particularlyaware of it.
And then suddenly someone says,Whoa, you're not, you're not who
I thought I knew.

(05:03):
And it does happen because, youknow, because growth and
learning, it just happens in somany areas and you can grow and
learn just from having taken atrip someplace and come back.
It's not necessarily that you'vedone an official or I've taken a
college course or I've takenthese coaching classes or
whatever.
It doesn't have to be that.
It can just be different ways inwhich you look at the world now

(05:24):
that you didn't, you looked atit differently.
And it's just a, it's a, it'ssuch a, it comes upon you so
slowly.
And, and just so naturally thatyou're not really, you don't
even know you've done it untilsomeone says something to you,
huh?
What are those words that youthink?
What do you mean?
We don't know.
I don't know.
I don't understand what you'retalking about.
I have never been there, so Idon't know what you mean about

(05:46):
how other people behave orwhatever it is you're talking
about.
Right, yeah.
So what would you do in thatsituation?
Do you ask them what'sdifferent?
What are they seeing asdifferent?
I would.
I actually would.
I would say, okay, because Ifeel like I'm the same, so tell
me what is different.
And, and, and really genuinelywant to know.
Yeah.
Well, yes.
You know what I mean?
What do you mean?

(06:09):
But really, really because it'ssomeone that you care about.
This happens a lot with family.
You know, with family.
So let me just say this justbecause they're families.
I mean, you actually care aboutthem.
So let's get really clear aboutthat.
You have a family situation thatyou actually want to maintain.
And if that's the case, then youknow, you just want to bring
your heart to the situation andask them, What do you What do
you mean?
What looks different?

(06:29):
And you could just explain tothem.
Just talk to them about what hashappened and how it's a subtle
change.
But life does change and you arestill essentially the person
they know and love.
Just because some some differentthings are showing up.
Doesn't mean I'm not the sameperson that you do know and
love.
So just assure them that you arestill that person and want to be
in a relationship with them ifthey'd like to continue.

(06:50):
Yeah.
That's one of the things that Iwould definitely do.
And there's a, there's one skillthat's about setting some
boundaries and people.
I was talking to one of mygrandchildren and they, It was
telling me a story one of hisstories of how he, how he grew
up, and it was a true story.

(07:10):
But he's overcome that.
He's not that person anymore,but he keeps talking about
himself as if he was thatperson.
And so I said, you know, I, I, Isent him some affirmations and I
said, Just go ahead and, if youcan, just let go of the old
stories.
That's not who you are anymore.
But the more you tell thosestories, the more you stay in
that position of thinking that'swho you are.
But you have completelygraduated from that.

(07:32):
You are.
You've overcome that.
It was it was an illness that hehad.
And so he felt like he missedout on a lot of things growing
up because he wasn't able to doa lot of things that they did at
school during those times.
He wasn't able to do it.
And so he feels like he's beenleft behind because of that.
That's not the case.
You are.
You're actually, you're actuallyfar ahead.
You're doing you're doing somany things differently than the

(07:55):
kids that you went to schoolwith would have even thought to
do.
So you can just.
If you can, let go of that storyand embrace who you actually are
now, which is a great thing.
You are a great person.
Yeah, and having someone pointout to you the difference might
give you an impetus to do that.
Yeah, because you don't realizethat.

(08:17):
I think people tell their oldstories and don't realize the
power of stories.
Oh yeah.
To keep you, one, to keep youwhere you are, or two, to take
you where you want to go.
So you decide on the storiesthat you want to tell and, or,
or, or own, not even just tell,but even own.
And if someone says to you,you're so different, you either
want to own that or say, no, I'mactually not different.

(08:40):
There are some other aspects ofme that have grown, but I'm
still basically the same personthat you met.
There's also, even withoutanyone having said anything,
maybe, you might.
Anticipate that and, and evenwithout even necessarily
consciously thinking of it, tendto anticipate it.

(09:03):
Turn into that previous personfor their benefit or just
because it's what felt right inthe context, you know, it might
even be the place as much as thepeople.
And so you, you act that thingnodding my head, like you guys
can't see me nodding my head toJim.
He's absolutely correct.

(09:23):
I have certain situations whereI'm, I'm, I'm a new thought
person.
I'm not, I don't attend theservices or the religion that I
did growing up.
But a lot of people that I carefor do.
And so I join them sometimesbecause I love the music, I love
the talking, I love so manythings about it.
But I'm not going to, I'm stillgoing to show up as who I am

(09:45):
now.
So I don't try, the thing that Itry to do is get into
discussion.
Get into discussion about whatit is that I believe now.
Because I think that it wouldsimply upset them.
And upset them because they loveme and care for me and are
concerned for me.
I have no such concern.
So then I don't bring it up.

(10:06):
I don't discuss it.
So I make that a clear boundaryfor me that is acceptable for
me.
I don't feel like I'm hidingthings.
It's just that I know that theywon't understand.
So I don't talk about it.
And just, we just go on.
And I'm just there and having awonderful time and just let that
go.
No need to explain it.
No need to explain it.
So you can make those decisionsas well.

(10:27):
Yeah.
You know?
And it's not hiding.
It's not being afraid.
It's just being considerate.
It's being considerate.
That's what I call it.
I mean.
Yes.
Someone else can call itsomething else.
But that's what I'm calling it.
Yes.
And it leaves them the latitudeto think that, well, she's here
and she may suddenly realize theerror of her ways and not go to
hell after all.
That is the thing.
Yes.
That is the thing.

(10:48):
It gives them hope.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
So, I see here in the notes wehave empathy and understanding,
what, what are we talking aboutthere?
Well, you just, yeah, just likeI'm saying, like, the, the, the,
the, the example I just gave.
Oh, right.
You know, have some empathy forhow they're feeling and how
they, how they feel about me.
And I actually appreciate itbecause they actually love me,

(11:09):
so I understand that.
I understand what they're doing.
We're never going to have ameeting of the minds on this.
Right.
So, okay.
Right.
Okay, we don't need to, to loveeach other.
Don't need to.
Right.
Right.
Yeah, that's what that means.
There are some situations, ofcourse, where you couldn't.
Do that.
I mean, yeah.
Say, I don't know.
Say you stopped drinking and,and the whole group, it is still

(11:32):
drinking and and you can't justgo back to that to, to No, no.
You can't blend with them.
But that, and that might not bean example that, that that the
answer that I want to give you,and I'm gonna talk about works
for everything, but whateverdecisions you've made.
I was never a person.

(11:53):
I'm not a drinker.
I don't I can sip some winejust, you know, hold a glass of
wine for a while because that'swhat you're walking around
doing.
But I don't care for it.
It just gives me a headache.
I don't care for it.
So, so being around people who,who drink or doesn't bother me,
being, and I don't know ifpeople who drink, being around
people who don't, if thatbothers them, so yeah.

(12:14):
I was specifically talking aboutif it was a case where you had
been doing that, or it could besomething else, it could be
maybe you had a group of friendswho all they did socially was,
was smoke pot, and, and, and youdecide that's not working for
you, then Correct.
That would be a difficultsituation to go back into.

(12:35):
Yeah.
I wouldn't, I wouldn't go backinto it because the reason to
step out of it, when you steppedout of it was because it was
untenable.
You weren't able to deal withit.
And there's, you know, there'ssomething about, and that's just
the way people are.
It's if you're with the group,then join what the group is
doing.
And, you know, I'm not always, Idon't always want to do that.
I go to the beach, but I don'twant to get in the water.
I'm not a swimmer.

(12:56):
I'm definitely not getting inwater that's moving.
Forget that.
That's not going to work.
So, so, I'm going to go get inthe water.
No, I'm not getting in.
Well, there's things in theretoo.
Let's talk about that.
So I'm not doing it.
But yeah, so, so again, that'sjust, that's back to the clarity
issue of knowing, just beingreally clear.
And, and, I'm not going to beconvinced of what I already know

(13:19):
is true against what I alreadyknew is true about me.
And I'm going to, so that theboundary part is to say, no,
that's not me.
And I'm okay with this.
Please go ahead and helpyourself.
Whatever it is you're doing, dothat.
And I'm going to sit here and dowhat I'm going to do.
And we'll join back togetherwhen that's, when we're finished
with that, when we're allfinished with that.
So having, being really clearabout who you, who you are and

(13:40):
having the strength, having thestrength to say, no, that is not
me.
Or yes, that is me on the pilotreality.
It's who I am.
I probably didn't say that wordvery well, but anyway, that's
what I was going to say.
Did I say it?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, just, you know, you haveto give yourself permission to
be who you are.
And give other people permissionto be who they are in your own
mind.
You're not saying, well, youhave my, my I baptize thee, you

(14:02):
know, permission.
It's not that.
But in your own mind and heart.
Right.
Giving people permission to bewho they are and loving them
anyway.
And sometimes that meansstepping away.
Sometimes it's, that's theproblem.
The best solution for everyone.
It's just we are, we've changeda great deal, both of us, and it
won't work anymore.
Sure.
And that's okay.

(14:22):
Yeah.
That happens.
Yeah.
That just, that happens.
And so give yourself some gracewhen it does happen.
Yeah.
Mm hmm.
It seems like a key thing thereis being at least pretty clear
about who you are for yourselfso that you don't immediately
feel like you're alone.

(14:43):
Just automatically switch towhichever persona works for her.
Exactly.
Exactly.
I was talking with someone acouple days ago, and we were
talking about boundaries.
We talked about this in hereboundaries, and they want to be
liked so much that they letpeople just step all over and
all past their boundaries.
And so the question begins,well, what is your self care?

(15:06):
Self love, self care.
That's more important that youlet them have what they want,
instead of you being who youare.
And what would happen if youshowed up as who you are?
If you, are you afraid, you knowwhat I mean?
Are you afraid that you'd losethat relationship?
Oh, absolutely, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and what are you losing?
What are you losing if you didlose it?
Right.
These are, these are clarifyingthoughts that all of us have to

(15:29):
have.
And part of.
What we talk about in NewThought, and we talk about this
all the time, almost ad nauseum,is, is, is knowing thyself,
because we grow, we change,something that worked for us
before, we hold it like it's a,you know it's an old story, it
actually isn't working for usnow, and we, because it did, we
keep thinking that's who we are,but it's not working, but what's
going on here?

(15:50):
You have to actually say, wellwait, you know what, that was
back when I was married to thisperson, or that was back when I
was in high school, or that was,and I am now this place, and
that no longer serves me.
So I'm okay with just lettingthat go, whatever that may be.
But the clarity issue is, is, issomething that is constantly
changing.
Because you are growing andevolving and deciding.

(16:12):
And so then we have to go backand look at our stories and say,
No, that was an old story.
That's not the story that'sserving me now.
Because whatever stories you'retelling is where your heart,
where your heart and your lifeis going to head.
So, be careful about the storiesyou tell yourself.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's probably going to beanother one.
Stories you tell.
Yes.
Yeah.
It's an underlying thing in alot of stuff.

(16:33):
Absolutely.
Sometimes you're not even awareyou're doing it.
That is correct.
Often you're not aware you'redoing it.
Often.
I would say.
Often we're just walking rightthrough the life and we're just,
because it's so comfortable tobe on autopilot.
Who wants to be thinking aboutthings all the time?
I want a break.
Yeah.
Can I just live?
Yeah.
Sure.
Yeah.
So, anything else to say aboutthat?

(16:54):
It seems like we've kind of.
I think we've covered it.
Okay.
I think this is all we need toknow about, you know, just
navigating then and now.
Know that it's okay.
It's okay.
That's how things are supposedto be.
Just, this is all about makingyou aware or trying to show you
ways in which to be aware of whoyou are and what you want to be
and that you actually havecontrol over that.
You have control over that.
And that's what this is about.
That's what this podcast isabout.

(17:15):
You taking control of your lifein all these different ways.
Okay.
Yeah.
We'll stop there for thisepisode and look forward to
seeing you next time.
Thanks for being here.
Thank you so much.