Episode Transcript
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Jim (00:00):
Hello, and welcome to this episode of Decide on Joy, a
podcast coming to you fromHarmony Spiritual Center in Fort
Worth, Texas.
My name is James, Jim Koval.
Yes
Pjae (00:11):
it is.
Or
Jim (00:12):
James.
Pjae (00:12):
Either way, my name is Rev.
Dr.
P.
J.
Stanley, and thank you so muchfor being here today.
Jim (00:18):
Okay, and our, our topic today, we, basically this
podcast is about sort of basicprinciples and not so basic
principles in New ThoughtSpirituality.
Today we're talking about selfcare and commitments and
distinguishing between them.
When it's time to take care ofyourself and keeping
(00:39):
commitments, which is often atricky balance.
Pjae (00:42):
It absolutely is.
It absolutely is.
And I want to come back to the,to what we're doing here.
Yeah, we're doing some NewThought Spirituality, but we're,
but, and what we are about as aNew Thought Spiritual Center is
about living great lives.
And what does that mean?
So we take in We talk about anumber of things that have to do
with what makes a life good andthat would obviously be our
opinion, and you may agree oryou may disagree but there are
(01:04):
things that that seem like it's,it's obvious how life is or how
it works, but it isn't always.
Sometimes I just want to talkabout it and say, what does that
really mean and what are wedoing here?
So we're talking about spiritualconcepts and principles as well
as just living, just everydayliving and how do you live the
best life possible becoming moreaware of what it takes to live a
great life and what it means toyou.
(01:25):
So that's what we're going totalk about.
Jim (01:28):
And I guess it's, it's the spiritual side and it comes
from, from the belief that youcan, in fact Determine what your
life is like.
But the other aspects of it, youknow, if you were looking in the
bookstore, they'd be in the selfhelp or whatever that's called
now, not in the spiritualitysection.
(01:52):
So okay, self care.
Pjae (01:54):
Yeah.
Jim (01:55):
What's different between that and selfishness?
Pjae (01:58):
Exactly.
And I think that this is wherewe have a difficult time,
particularly people who, youknow, we're kind of all born
with personality justpersonalities, and some people
are more care giving thanothers.
It's just the way it is.
Some people are more loving thanothers.
It's just a part of ourpersonality.
So those who are naturalcaregivers, and I have a lot of
those people in my life and somewho are not necessarily natural
(02:20):
caregivers, but lean towards itand really find that that's a,
that's something that we do in,in society, you just take care
of kids, you take care of theelder, you just take care of
people if you can find itdifficult to, to do, to
distinguish between taking careof yourself.
and feeling selfish about it.
And there's absolutely, you, youcan't, you can't work 24 hours,
(02:43):
7 days a week.
You can't do it.
There has to be time forreplenishing yourself.
There has to be time for for forresting, for doing things that
bring you joy beyond and so Ithink the, the self caring for
others is about service.
And it's, it's a vocation, anapplication.
So when do you say, okay, well,I've done that, and now I need
(03:04):
to take some time for me and notfeel selfish about it.
So those are the, those are thethings we're talking about
today.
Yeah.
Jim (03:10):
I would imagine it can be a particular problem for, say,
parents with young children.
Pjae (03:16):
Absolutely.
And you know, I have severalpeople in, well, we are, we're
an older membership, an oldergroup.
And so we have parents.
That we're, that we're lookingat taking, not having to,
wanting to do our turn now.
To care for them as they caredfor us when we were children,
and so that can become almost afull time job.
(03:36):
It's also when you're in arelationship, and that's part of
the, the agreement, spoken orunspoken, that we make, that
we'll care for one another.
And so when a spouse or, youknow another member of your
family becomes ill, can't takecare of themselves as they used
to, then you feel And, and wefeel like we've made a
commitment to care for them tobe on your side, to to, to love
(03:58):
you and be there for you.
So it, it becomes this, thisthing where we have to be, Do as
best we can be clear about whatour commitments are, our loving
commitments, not our, not ourcommitments, because, oh, you
know, I gotta do it becausethat's what a good human being
would do.
Well, who, who, who, who knowswhat that all is?
But it's about what you think isyour commitment to that person,
(04:20):
to your life, to what you think.
You know, it makes, brings youjoy to care for somebody you
care for.
Jim (04:26):
Yeah, I mean, the example I was bringing up though, I mean,
if it's, if you're a parent andyou have, say, a very young
child or children, that's notexactly, I mean, in a way you
made that commitment, but inanother way, you, there you are,
you know, and, and, I wouldthink, I don't have that
(04:50):
experience, but I would thinkthat, that, that, finding a way
to say, Okay, I have to takesome time for myself, if that
means Farming this child out fora day or whatever, you
Pjae (05:04):
know, or Lord, when school gets around to school or
whatever those things may be.
But you know, I, I have severalfriends who have children who,
who have children that haveissues.
That, that, that's not, youknow, when you have a baby,
that's not, you don't plan onthat.
You plan on having a veryhealthy child and then you end
up having a child that has is onthe spectrum or that has some
(05:27):
whatever physical issuesactually have a disease.
We have a, we have some peoplethat we know now that have
children and grandchildren thatdid not, were not born here, but
now have a debilitating diseaseand the whole family is
involved.
So, so part of that is what is.
What is yours to do?
(05:47):
Well, we'll talk about that.
What's yours to do as a lovingmember of the family, giving the
rest of the family, the parentsrelief on that if I'm a
grandparent?
And then where is it that I canjust say, no I'm not going to do
that because I've made someplans for myself to do some
different things.
And so we're going to have towork on how that's going to
work.
Where am I going to come in?
Where am I not going to come inand find yourself okay with
(06:08):
that?
So how do we, how do we do that?
How do we become okay with thatand not feel like a martyr?
Okay.
I don't, I don't think being,martyrdom is not the way you
want to go.
Jim (06:18):
And on a, on a, at least, apparently simpler issue, even
things like, like, I work in, ingraphic design, and I can, I can
be working on something and Iget a, I hit a point where,
okay, this, this is just.
Diminishing
Pjae (06:34):
returns.
Jim (06:34):
Yes.
And, and my eyes are blurry andwhatnot.
You know, I have to give myselfthe right to say, Right, we're
not doing that for a while.
We're taking a break.
Pjae (06:47):
Exactly, but you hear what you just said?
It had to get to a place whereyour eyes are blurry, and you
know that the product you'recreating isn't the product
you're going to want to createbecause of where you are.
So it's an obvious place whereyou have to take a break.
But what I'm talking about, thatas well, is that But we don't
always have to just get to aplace where we just absolutely
(07:08):
can't do another step.
And I don't
Jim (07:10):
always.
I mean in part what I was,that's what I actually meant was
to realize that that's going tohappen pretty soon and say, all
right,
Pjae (07:19):
we're done for the night, we're done for the afternoon,
whatever it is.
Jim (07:22):
Yes.
Pjae (07:23):
And sometimes I'll get up in the morning and, you know,
you go to bed, you wake up inthe morning, you got plans.
You know, I'm going to get thisdone, get this done, get this
done.
And give myself permission togo, you know what?
That I have zero energy for thattoday, and there's always
tomorrow, and if there's nottomorrow, well there you go.
Ha! Wasn't worth wasting my timewith it anyway, there's not
(07:43):
going to be tomorrow, so, youknow, just thinking about that,
just what is the importance ofyour health, you feeling good
about the day, you gettingcommitments done, because I
think, you know, our commitmentsare important to us, I think
that's about who we say we are,showing up as who we say we are,
and not over committing, that'sanother part of it, you know, is
not over committing.
Jim (08:02):
Right.
Pjae (08:02):
So that you can show up for yourself and others.
Jim (08:05):
Sure.
Yeah.
And I know certainly that.
Can be for almost anyone, but,but for a lot of people, just
kind of, it's a, it's a verybasic problem for them that
they, they do want to do that.
Absolutely,
Pjae (08:18):
they want to help you.
Jim (08:19):
Yes.
Pjae (08:19):
I can do this.
They
Jim (08:20):
want to help everyone.
Pjae (08:21):
Exactly.
Jim (08:22):
And, yeah.
Pjae (08:23):
Yeah.
And one of the, one of theproblems that I have with
commitment or over committing,is that.
You asked me to do somethinglike, say, hey, can you can you
put together this logo for me?
That's easy for me to do.
I have WordPress, I mean, I knowhow to use I love Photoshop, and
just all kinds of stuff.
Alright.
But I don't think about all thetime it takes prior to actually
putting the logo together.
(08:44):
So there's all this shopping forpictures and talking about what
it is that you're trying to do.
So there's a whole bunch ofthings that surround the
commitment.
That a lot of times we forget totake a look at.
So part of it is just kind ofslowing down and saying, I'd
like to do that.
Let me think about what thatmeans before you actually
commit.
So you can actually say that.
(09:04):
Can you, I mean, can you believethat?
You can actually say, hang on.
Let me think about that for asecond, and what exactly I'm
saying yes
Jim (09:11):
to.
Right.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Because frequently what seemssimple, then if you think it
through, you go, oh wait.
Oh, oh wait,
Pjae (09:19):
hang on.
This is quite a bit morecommitment, or it lasts longer.
I I was doing, I did a favor forsome people years ago, because
it was very easy some time ago,not, it's a lot less now, but it
used to be very easy just to puta website together.
Okay, so I got, you know,hosting thing, put some websites
together.
Well, okay.
So now I've had that with themfor over ten years.
(09:43):
And anytime something happenswith their website, they're
like, What's going on with mywebsite?
You know what's going on?
It's time for you to find a newhost.
That's what's going on.
That's what's going on.
Because I didn't see that.
I didn't see that I would stillbe, 10 years later, having to
help them with that.
I never, you'd think I would,and maybe if I was a real web
person, I would have known that.
But I was just a friend helpingout another friend.
(10:04):
That's all I was doing for thatmoment.
Jim (10:06):
Right.
Pjae (10:06):
There you go.
Jim (10:06):
You didn't know about that part of the contract.
Pjae (10:08):
Oh my goodness.
So, yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jim (10:15):
And of course, Keeping commitments is, is an important
thing.
I mean, you know, it just, thereis, there is that balance there.
There just is.
Pjae (10:26):
Because I, I, you know, we, we've talked about this
before, and it's important tome.
I honestly don't know why, butit is a value for me.
I think it's actually about,it's about, I know everything
comes back to around to beingabout you.
But it's important to me, excuseme, that I am a woman of my
word.
That if I say I'm going to dosomething, I'm going to do
something.
It's about you, so that you cantrust me, but it's also about
(10:46):
me.
So that I can trust myself.
That when I say something, I'mgoing to do something.
So that when I tell myself I'mgoing to do something, I'm going
to make a goal, I believe it,because I do it for myself and
others.
So, for me, that's, that's partof the commitment, and part of
telling myself the truth.
And trusting my word.
That's why it's important for meto keep the commitments because
(11:08):
it's like keeping your word.
What I've discovered now is thatI can actually go back and look
at a commitment and say this isthe commitment that I had gotten
involved in, this is where it'sgone, and we need to rediscuss
or talk about what I can andcan't do at this point.
And so you can look at it again.
And, and so I've always thoughtthat, well, once you say you're
gonna do something, you're stuckwith it.
Not necessarily.
(11:29):
Not necessarily.
And so we can take a look at,well this is the commitment I
originally did and this is whereit's gone to.
Right.
And I can no longer, I can'tkeep letting it raise up and
become more so we can re we canreassess it, right?
We can reassess it, yes.
Mm-hmm Yeah, for sure.
I didn't know about that.
Jim (11:45):
And.
How, how do you know when, whenthe self care side really takes
over and you just have to sayno, I'm, I'm, I know I said I
would do that, but I
Pjae (11:57):
can't.
Yeah, and really wanted to,exactly.
So we were, we were talkingearlier, you know, I'd, I'd gone
to a conference about last week,and it was a lovely conference,
I wanted to go to it, andwhenever I go to something, a
conference or convention, Ihave, I set intentions.
So this is what I'm going to itfor, this is what I want to get
out of it.
And so I don't want to leaveuntil those things have
happened.
And I don't make a lot, just oneor two, three.
(12:19):
And so, I was at the conference,it was it was, and it was, I
didn't realize I could havelooked at the schedule.
You know, I could have done somepre planning, but I didn't.
I'm just thinking it's going tobe, you know, it's going to be,
you know, go in at 9 and be outat 5.
No, no.
It was early in the morning, 8o'clock in the morning.
It started, and it wasn't overuntil 9 o'clock, the last
session.
It was a long, and we only hadlike an hour and a half for
(12:42):
lunch break.
And then we had a dinner break,but still it was a long, long
day.
And, and got a lot ofinformation.
But on the end of the secondday, it was three days, at the
end of the second day, Yeah.
Actually, I was in, yeah, it wasthe second day and I just was
super tired.
I had just gotten over anillness and my neck was
(13:02):
bothering me so badly and I justcould not find a good seat.
I mean, I couldn't sit.
I was just uncomfortable.
And I just finally said, okay,have you gotten all of your, all
the things that you said youwanted to get?
Have you gotten that?
Yes, I have.
Okay.
So what else are you going toget?
So, so then I had to look at thebalance between.
The pain that I was in, and themoney that I paid to be there,
(13:25):
so I didn't want to give upanother day.
But I actually had gotten what Iwent to go get.
Plus, I had met some people andI had, I was developing a
relationship.
I didn't want to leave themeither.
But I was just in a lot of pain.
So I just said, okay, so youhave to look at it.
What's the balance?
What are you getting by keepingthe commitment and what happens?
(13:45):
What are you what are you losingif you keep the commitment right
and I was just super tired andall I was gonna do Was sit there
and be in a lot of pain.
I wasn't gonna get anything elseout of it Right, so I decided to
go now I'd like it to be that itdoesn't have to get to that
place where you you can look ata commitment and say Is it
finished?
Long before you're in such aplace where there's no other
(14:06):
choice but to leave.
That's where I was, and I reallywould like it to think about,
how do we look at ourcommitments in a different way,
sooner, so we don't have to getto a do or die situation before
we think, is it completed, orhave I kept my word?
What else can I do?
These are things we can askourselves.
We don't have to stick withsomething that's no longer
working.
Jim (14:25):
And, I mean, it seems to me that maybe one way of avoiding
getting to the do or diesituation is that it seems like
it's possible.
It's like we're talking in sortof broad things.
We are.
Okay, I can't do that anymore.
I'm going to stop.
It seems like you can also takemicro things of self care.
(14:45):
You can say, right, I'm having anap.
Taking a nap.
Or I'm reading a chapter in thisbook.
Correct.
Pjae (14:53):
Taking a mental break.
Jim (14:54):
Whatever.
Correct.
And that also counts as selfcare, I would think.
think you're
Pjae (14:59):
exactly correct.
You can say stuff like, you knowwhat?
I don't need to work on ittoday, because particularly if
you've got a longer termcommitment, does it need to be
worked on today?
Because maybe you begin and say,I want to work on it every day.
Well, start working today, andI'm just going to let that go.
Exactly, Jim.
You're exactly right.
So the idea is to just look atwhat the commitment is, what
it's going to take, is the, isthe goal to get it done at a
(15:19):
particular time, is the goal toget it done over a, what is the
goal?
And can you keep that goal, anddo we need to change the goal?
Jim (15:27):
Right.
Pjae (15:28):
So, so many options.
But we just, we tend to justsay, well, I've committed, and
I've got to do it.
And, is that true?
Jim (15:36):
And, and sometimes, what?
But, at least in my case,sometimes what I think I have to
do at a certain time is based onwhat I think other people's
expectations are.
That
Pjae (15:46):
part as well.
Jim (15:47):
Okay, they're expecting to see this by this day.
Maybe they are, maybe theyaren't.
Maybe they aren't.
I don't know that.
Pjae (15:53):
And even if they are, maybe they're willing to let it
slide.
Maybe it's not that important,that was just a date they threw
out.
Maybe it's flexible.
Jim (16:00):
Right.
Right.
You can find smaller things inthere that will maybe Keep the,
the big break from happening,you know?
And
Pjae (16:13):
I'm just going, I'm not doing anything! I'm done! You
don't want to get to that point.
Jim (16:18):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pjae (16:20):
Exactly.
And I think that's kind of true,you know, just about life in
general.
You know, we're talking aboutcommitments and self care, but
just all kinds of life issues.
We tend to say, well, this ishow it is, and this is how I
have to continue to move forwardwith it.
Is it?
Is it?
So I think part of what we'retalking about here with, you
know, Decide on Joy, is that wehave different decisions we can
(16:42):
make.
We can rethink, re look atsomething, and make a different
choice.
Jim (16:48):
Right.
Pjae (16:48):
Pretty much at any time, without dire consequences.
And if we can't, then we can't.
But normally, you probablycan't.
There's probably a, a balancething that can happen that you
haven't looked at.
That's all.
Jim (17:01):
Yeah.
Pjae (17:02):
And I think once we start asking those questions, once we,
and this is part of theuniversal, the universe ideas
that come from the universe andthings like that.
If we make a suggestion and go,what else can I do?
That's a great question.
What else could, what, what elsecould happen here?
What other step can I take?
Just put that out in theuniverse and see what comes.
We can do that too.
Jim (17:19):
Right.
Pjae (17:19):
For sure.
Jim (17:21):
Okay.
Yeah.
A good place to stop for thisepisode.
I think.
Thank you all for being here andwe will see you next time.
Pjae (17:27):
Indeed.
Hello, and welcome to this episode of Decide on Joy, a
podcast coming to you fromHarmony Spiritual Center in Fort
Worth, Texas.
My name is James, Jim Koval.
Yes
Pjae (00:11):
it is.
Or
Jim (00:12):
James.
Pjae (00:12):
Either way, my name is Rev.
Dr.
P.
J.
Stanley, and thank you so muchfor being here today.
Jim (00:18):
Okay, and our, our topic today, we, basically this
podcast is about sort of basicprinciples and not so basic
principles in New ThoughtSpirituality.
Today we're talking about selfcare and commitments and
distinguishing between them.
When it's time to take care ofyourself and keeping
(00:39):
commitments, which is often atricky balance.
Pjae (00:42):
It absolutely is.
It absolutely is.
And I want to come back to the,to what we're doing here.
Yeah, we're doing some NewThought Spirituality, but we're,
but, and what we are about as aNew Thought Spiritual Center is
about living great lives.
And what does that mean?
So we take in We talk about anumber of things that have to do
with what makes a life good andthat would obviously be our
opinion, and you may agree oryou may disagree but there are
(01:04):
things that that seem like it's,it's obvious how life is or how
it works, but it isn't always.
Sometimes I just want to talkabout it and say, what does that
really mean and what are wedoing here?
So we're talking about spiritualconcepts and principles as well
as just living, just everydayliving and how do you live the
best life possible becoming moreaware of what it takes to live a
great life and what it means toyou.
(01:25):
So that's what we're going totalk about.
Jim (01:28):
And I guess it's, it's the spiritual side and it comes
from, from the belief that youcan, in fact Determine what your
life is like.
But the other aspects of it, youknow, if you were looking in the
bookstore, they'd be in the selfhelp or whatever that's called
now, not in the spiritualitysection.
(01:52):
So okay, self care.
Pjae (01:54):
Yeah.
Jim (01:55):
What's different between that and selfishness?
Pjae (01:58):
Exactly.
And I think that this is wherewe have a difficult time,
particularly people who, youknow, we're kind of all born
with personality justpersonalities, and some people
are more care giving thanothers.
It's just the way it is.
Some people are more loving thanothers.
It's just a part of ourpersonality.
So those who are naturalcaregivers, and I have a lot of
those people in my life and somewho are not necessarily natural
(02:20):
caregivers, but lean towards itand really find that that's a,
that's something that we do in,in society, you just take care
of kids, you take care of theelder, you just take care of
people if you can find itdifficult to, to do, to
distinguish between taking careof yourself.
and feeling selfish about it.
And there's absolutely, you, youcan't, you can't work 24 hours,
(02:43):
7 days a week.
You can't do it.
There has to be time forreplenishing yourself.
There has to be time for for forresting, for doing things that
bring you joy beyond and so Ithink the, the self caring for
others is about service.
And it's, it's a vocation, anapplication.
So when do you say, okay, well,I've done that, and now I need
(03:04):
to take some time for me and notfeel selfish about it.
So those are the, those are thethings we're talking about
today.
Yeah.
Jim (03:10):
I would imagine it can be a particular problem for, say,
parents with young children.
Pjae (03:16):
Absolutely.
And you know, I have severalpeople in, well, we are, we're
an older membership, an oldergroup.
And so we have parents.
That we're, that we're lookingat taking, not having to,
wanting to do our turn now.
To care for them as they caredfor us when we were children,
and so that can become almost afull time job.
(03:36):
It's also when you're in arelationship, and that's part of
the, the agreement, spoken orunspoken, that we make, that
we'll care for one another.
And so when a spouse or, youknow another member of your
family becomes ill, can't takecare of themselves as they used
to, then you feel And, and wefeel like we've made a
commitment to care for them tobe on your side, to to, to love
(03:58):
you and be there for you.
So it, it becomes this, thisthing where we have to be, Do as
best we can be clear about whatour commitments are, our loving
commitments, not our, not ourcommitments, because, oh, you
know, I gotta do it becausethat's what a good human being
would do.
Well, who, who, who, who knowswhat that all is?
But it's about what you think isyour commitment to that person,
(04:20):
to your life, to what you think.
You know, it makes, brings youjoy to care for somebody you
care for.
Jim (04:26):
Yeah, I mean, the example I was bringing up though, I mean,
if it's, if you're a parent andyou have, say, a very young
child or children, that's notexactly, I mean, in a way you
made that commitment, but inanother way, you, there you are,
you know, and, and, I wouldthink, I don't have that
(04:50):
experience, but I would thinkthat, that, that, finding a way
to say, Okay, I have to takesome time for myself, if that
means Farming this child out fora day or whatever, you
Pjae (05:04):
know, or Lord, when school gets around to school or
whatever those things may be.
But you know, I, I have severalfriends who have children who,
who have children that haveissues.
That, that, that's not, youknow, when you have a baby,
that's not, you don't plan onthat.
You plan on having a veryhealthy child and then you end
up having a child that has is onthe spectrum or that has some
(05:27):
whatever physical issuesactually have a disease.
We have a, we have some peoplethat we know now that have
children and grandchildren thatdid not, were not born here, but
now have a debilitating diseaseand the whole family is
involved.
So, so part of that is what is.
What is yours to do?
(05:47):
Well, we'll talk about that.
What's yours to do as a lovingmember of the family, giving the
rest of the family, the parentsrelief on that if I'm a
grandparent?
And then where is it that I canjust say, no I'm not going to do
that because I've made someplans for myself to do some
different things.
And so we're going to have towork on how that's going to
work.
Where am I going to come in?
Where am I not going to come inand find yourself okay with
(06:08):
that?
So how do we, how do we do that?
How do we become okay with thatand not feel like a martyr?
Okay.
I don't, I don't think being,martyrdom is not the way you
want to go.
Jim (06:18):
And on a, on a, at least, apparently simpler issue, even
things like, like, I work in, ingraphic design, and I can, I can
be working on something and Iget a, I hit a point where,
okay, this, this is just.
Diminishing
Pjae (06:34):
returns.
Jim (06:34):
Yes.
And, and my eyes are blurry andwhatnot.
You know, I have to give myselfthe right to say, Right, we're
not doing that for a while.
We're taking a break.
Pjae (06:47):
Exactly, but you hear what you just said?
It had to get to a place whereyour eyes are blurry, and you
know that the product you'recreating isn't the product
you're going to want to createbecause of where you are.
So it's an obvious place whereyou have to take a break.
But what I'm talking about, thatas well, is that But we don't
always have to just get to aplace where we just absolutely
(07:08):
can't do another step.
And I don't
Jim (07:10):
always.
I mean in part what I was,that's what I actually meant was
to realize that that's going tohappen pretty soon and say, all
right,
Pjae (07:19):
we're done for the night, we're done for the afternoon,
whatever it is.
Jim (07:22):
Yes.
Pjae (07:23):
And sometimes I'll get up in the morning and, you know,
you go to bed, you wake up inthe morning, you got plans.
You know, I'm going to get thisdone, get this done, get this
done.
And give myself permission togo, you know what?
That I have zero energy for thattoday, and there's always
tomorrow, and if there's nottomorrow, well there you go.
Ha! Wasn't worth wasting my timewith it anyway, there's not
(07:43):
going to be tomorrow, so, youknow, just thinking about that,
just what is the importance ofyour health, you feeling good
about the day, you gettingcommitments done, because I
think, you know, our commitmentsare important to us, I think
that's about who we say we are,showing up as who we say we are,
and not over committing, that'sanother part of it, you know, is
not over committing.
Jim (08:02):
Right.
Pjae (08:02):
So that you can show up for yourself and others.
Jim (08:05):
Sure.
Yeah.
And I know certainly that.
Can be for almost anyone, but,but for a lot of people, just
kind of, it's a, it's a verybasic problem for them that
they, they do want to do that.
Absolutely,
Pjae (08:18):
they want to help you.
Jim (08:19):
Yes.
Pjae (08:19):
I can do this.
They
Jim (08:20):
want to help everyone.
Pjae (08:21):
Exactly.
Jim (08:22):
And, yeah.
Pjae (08:23):
Yeah.
And one of the, one of theproblems that I have with
commitment or over committing,is that.
You asked me to do somethinglike, say, hey, can you can you
put together this logo for me?
That's easy for me to do.
I have WordPress, I mean, I knowhow to use I love Photoshop, and
just all kinds of stuff.
Alright.
But I don't think about all thetime it takes prior to actually
putting the logo together.
(08:44):
So there's all this shopping forpictures and talking about what
it is that you're trying to do.
So there's a whole bunch ofthings that surround the
commitment.
That a lot of times we forget totake a look at.
So part of it is just kind ofslowing down and saying, I'd
like to do that.
Let me think about what thatmeans before you actually
commit.
So you can actually say that.
(09:04):
Can you, I mean, can you believethat?
You can actually say, hang on.
Let me think about that for asecond, and what exactly I'm
saying yes
Jim (09:11):
to.
Right.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Because frequently what seemssimple, then if you think it
through, you go, oh wait.
Oh, oh wait,
Pjae (09:19):
hang on.
This is quite a bit morecommitment, or it lasts longer.
I I was doing, I did a favor forsome people years ago, because
it was very easy some time ago,not, it's a lot less now, but it
used to be very easy just to puta website together.
Okay, so I got, you know,hosting thing, put some websites
together.
Well, okay.
So now I've had that with themfor over ten years.
(09:43):
And anytime something happenswith their website, they're
like, What's going on with mywebsite?
You know what's going on?
It's time for you to find a newhost.
That's what's going on.
That's what's going on.
Because I didn't see that.
I didn't see that I would stillbe, 10 years later, having to
help them with that.
I never, you'd think I would,and maybe if I was a real web
person, I would have known that.
But I was just a friend helpingout another friend.
(10:04):
That's all I was doing for thatmoment.
Jim (10:06):
Right.
Pjae (10:06):
There you go.
Jim (10:06):
You didn't know about that part of the contract.
Pjae (10:08):
Oh my goodness.
So, yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jim (10:15):
And of course, Keeping commitments is, is an important
thing.
I mean, you know, it just, thereis, there is that balance there.
There just is.
Pjae (10:26):
Because I, I, you know, we, we've talked about this
before, and it's important tome.
I honestly don't know why, butit is a value for me.
I think it's actually about,it's about, I know everything
comes back to around to beingabout you.
But it's important to me, excuseme, that I am a woman of my
word.
That if I say I'm going to dosomething, I'm going to do
something.
It's about you, so that you cantrust me, but it's also about
(10:46):
me.
So that I can trust myself.
That when I say something, I'mgoing to do something.
So that when I tell myself I'mgoing to do something, I'm going
to make a goal, I believe it,because I do it for myself and
others.
So, for me, that's, that's partof the commitment, and part of
telling myself the truth.
And trusting my word.
That's why it's important for meto keep the commitments because
(11:08):
it's like keeping your word.
What I've discovered now is thatI can actually go back and look
at a commitment and say this isthe commitment that I had gotten
involved in, this is where it'sgone, and we need to rediscuss
or talk about what I can andcan't do at this point.
And so you can look at it again.
And, and so I've always thoughtthat, well, once you say you're
gonna do something, you're stuckwith it.
Not necessarily.
(11:29):
Not necessarily.
And so we can take a look at,well this is the commitment I
originally did and this is whereit's gone to.
Right.
And I can no longer, I can'tkeep letting it raise up and
become more so we can re we canreassess it, right?
We can reassess it, yes.
Mm-hmm Yeah, for sure.
I didn't know about that.
Jim (11:45):
And.
How, how do you know when, whenthe self care side really takes
over and you just have to sayno, I'm, I'm, I know I said I
would do that, but I
Pjae (11:57):
can't.
Yeah, and really wanted to,exactly.
So we were, we were talkingearlier, you know, I'd, I'd gone
to a conference about last week,and it was a lovely conference,
I wanted to go to it, andwhenever I go to something, a
conference or convention, Ihave, I set intentions.
So this is what I'm going to itfor, this is what I want to get
out of it.
And so I don't want to leaveuntil those things have
happened.
And I don't make a lot, just oneor two, three.
(12:19):
And so, I was at the conference,it was it was, and it was, I
didn't realize I could havelooked at the schedule.
You know, I could have done somepre planning, but I didn't.
I'm just thinking it's going tobe, you know, it's going to be,
you know, go in at 9 and be outat 5.
No, no.
It was early in the morning, 8o'clock in the morning.
It started, and it wasn't overuntil 9 o'clock, the last
session.
It was a long, and we only hadlike an hour and a half for
(12:42):
lunch break.
And then we had a dinner break,but still it was a long, long
day.
And, and got a lot ofinformation.
But on the end of the secondday, it was three days, at the
end of the second day, Yeah.
Actually, I was in, yeah, it wasthe second day and I just was
super tired.
I had just gotten over anillness and my neck was
(13:02):
bothering me so badly and I justcould not find a good seat.
I mean, I couldn't sit.
I was just uncomfortable.
And I just finally said, okay,have you gotten all of your, all
the things that you said youwanted to get?
Have you gotten that?
Yes, I have.
Okay.
So what else are you going toget?
So, so then I had to look at thebalance between.
The pain that I was in, and themoney that I paid to be there,
(13:25):
so I didn't want to give upanother day.
But I actually had gotten what Iwent to go get.
Plus, I had met some people andI had, I was developing a
relationship.
I didn't want to leave themeither.
But I was just in a lot of pain.
So I just said, okay, so youhave to look at it.
What's the balance?
What are you getting by keepingthe commitment and what happens?
(13:45):
What are you what are you losingif you keep the commitment right
and I was just super tired andall I was gonna do Was sit there
and be in a lot of pain.
I wasn't gonna get anything elseout of it Right, so I decided to
go now I'd like it to be that itdoesn't have to get to that
place where you you can look ata commitment and say Is it
finished?
Long before you're in such aplace where there's no other
(14:06):
choice but to leave.
That's where I was, and I reallywould like it to think about,
how do we look at ourcommitments in a different way,
sooner, so we don't have to getto a do or die situation before
we think, is it completed, orhave I kept my word?
What else can I do?
These are things we can askourselves.
We don't have to stick withsomething that's no longer
working.
Jim (14:25):
And, I mean, it seems to me that maybe one way of avoiding
getting to the do or diesituation is that it seems like
it's possible.
It's like we're talking in sortof broad things.
We are.
Okay, I can't do that anymore.
I'm going to stop.
It seems like you can also takemicro things of self care.
(14:45):
You can say, right, I'm having anap.
Taking a nap.
Or I'm reading a chapter in thisbook.
Correct.
Pjae (14:53):
Taking a mental break.
Jim (14:54):
Whatever.
Correct.
And that also counts as selfcare, I would think.
think you're
Pjae (14:59):
exactly correct.
You can say stuff like, you knowwhat?
I don't need to work on ittoday, because particularly if
you've got a longer termcommitment, does it need to be
worked on today?
Because maybe you begin and say,I want to work on it every day.
Well, start working today, andI'm just going to let that go.
Exactly, Jim.
You're exactly right.
So the idea is to just look atwhat the commitment is, what
it's going to take, is the, isthe goal to get it done at a
(15:19):
particular time, is the goal toget it done over a, what is the
goal?
And can you keep that goal, anddo we need to change the goal?
Jim (15:27):
Right.
Pjae (15:28):
So, so many options.
But we just, we tend to justsay, well, I've committed, and
I've got to do it.
And, is that true?
Jim (15:36):
And, and sometimes, what?
But, at least in my case,sometimes what I think I have to
do at a certain time is based onwhat I think other people's
expectations are.
That
Pjae (15:46):
part as well.
Jim (15:47):
Okay, they're expecting to see this by this day.
Maybe they are, maybe theyaren't.
Maybe they aren't.
I don't know that.
Pjae (15:53):
And even if they are, maybe they're willing to let it
slide.
Maybe it's not that important,that was just a date they threw
out.
Maybe it's flexible.
Jim (16:00):
Right.
Right.
You can find smaller things inthere that will maybe Keep the,
the big break from happening,you know?
And
Pjae (16:13):
I'm just going, I'm not doing anything! I'm done! You
don't want to get to that point.
Jim (16:18):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pjae (16:20):
Exactly.
And I think that's kind of true,you know, just about life in
general.
You know, we're talking aboutcommitments and self care, but
just all kinds of life issues.
We tend to say, well, this ishow it is, and this is how I
have to continue to move forwardwith it.
Is it?
Is it?
So I think part of what we'retalking about here with, you
know, Decide on Joy, is that wehave different decisions we can
(16:42):
make.
We can rethink, re look atsomething, and make a different
choice.
Jim (16:48):
Right.
Pjae (16:48):
Pretty much at any time, without dire consequences.
And if we can't, then we can't.
But normally, you probablycan't.
There's probably a, a balancething that can happen that you
haven't looked at.
That's all.
Jim (17:01):
Yeah.
Pjae (17:02):
And I think once we start asking those questions, once we,
and this is part of theuniversal, the universe ideas
that come from the universe andthings like that.
If we make a suggestion and go,what else can I do?
That's a great question.
What else could, what, what elsecould happen here?
What other step can I take?
Just put that out in theuniverse and see what comes.
We can do that too.
Jim (17:19):
Right.
Pjae (17:19):
For sure.
Jim (17:21):
Okay.
Yeah.
A good place to stop for thisepisode.
I think.
Thank you all for being here andwe will see you next time.
Pjae (17:27):
Indeed.
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