Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Yep.
Hello, and welcome to thisedition of Decide on Joy, a
podcast coming to you fromHarmony Spiritual Center in Fort
Worth, Texas.
My name is Jim Kovalt.
And my name is Rev.
Dr.
P.
J.
Stanley.
Thank you so much for being herewith us today.
This is a podcast about basicelements of New Thought
Spirituality and how they workin daily life.
(00:23):
And things beyond that, if ittakes our mood to go somewhere
else.
This episode is called Tell theTruth to Self and Others.
An initial question, well, thisis not the initial question you
had, but it's one thatimmediately occurs to me when
you say that.
Cause truth now Yes relative issuch that does such a thing
(00:46):
exist exactly, you know, exactlythat is it that is it that
exactly it because you Know oneperson's truth is not
necessarily another person'struth So you took you're looking
at perceptions and things likethat But when we're talking
about tell the truth tell thetruth as you know It tell the
truth as you and your heart knowit to be true for you So you
can't tell someone else's truth.
You don't know their truth Youcan only tell the truth as you
(01:08):
see it, as you know it, for you.
And when I say tell the truth, Imean the truth about yourself.
About what you're feeling, whatyou're saying, what you're
doing.
And it starts with tellingyourself the truth.
Because we tell ourselves littlelies all the time.
You know, I'm doing that to helpyou.
Are you?
How is that helping me?
You tell me that my dress isugly.
(01:29):
How is that helping?
So, so, and that may be true,but how is that helping?
So so yeah, so, so yeah, thetruth is definitely relative,
but I'm talking about reallytelling the truth to yourself.
Why is that necessary?
Exactly.
You know, so we.
We, we're raised with this wholething about what's, you know,
what's right and what's wrongand tell the truth and, and
(01:50):
then, because we had thisconversation a couple, a couple
weeks ago, you and I, about, youknow my, my, my little
grandniece saying that she sawthis guy with this fat belly in
the, in his, in his, mowing hislawn and it looks just like her
dad's fat belly and her mom andgrandmother's, huh, huh, don't,
don't say that, don't say that,and, but it was true.
I mean the guy, you know, so, sowe tell our kids to tell the
(02:10):
truth, but only, what, when?
In certain circumstances, sothat's a confusing, we have a
lot of confusion around whattruth is and all of that.
We also have other things thatwe talk about, about not hurting
people's feelings and all thatkind of thing.
So, So, there's a lot ofquestions around when the truth
is necessary.
Yeah.
Right?
When is it necessary?
And, and, and what is yourpoint?
(02:31):
Like, what is the reason you'retelling this, and I'm doing this
in quotes, truth?
Right.
But I can easily imaginesituations where, I mean, I
don't have a concrete one rightat the top of my head, but I can
imagine situations where someonewill ask me a question and I
know that telling them the truthis not going to work.
(02:51):
It's not going to work.
It's not going to be beneficial.
It really is very official andyou know, sometimes you hear and
we, we, we have to trust ourheart to know what's really
being asked and what's reallybeing said here.
So someone could ask you, youknow, tell me the truth about
this, but are they really readyto hear the truth?
Because I really believe wealready know the truth.
We're, we're asking for, we'renot actually asking for truth,
(03:14):
we're asking for confirmation.
We're asking for confirmation alot.
And so if you can't actuallyconfirm their truth, then what
do you do?
Do you lie?
So one of the things that I'vebegun to say to people when this
is really, this is actually atruth for me is that I actually
can see that for you.
I got, I don't necessarily seeit for someone else.
(03:35):
I might not necessarily see itworking out, but I can see this
truth for you.
And I can say that and that isthe truth for me.
That is what I see.
I can see, I can really see thatworking for you.
Yeah, and I can say that.
So, what's the truth you cansee?
What's the truth you can tell?
If part of what you're trying todo is to care for that person,
(03:56):
if you're in a relationship withthat person, you know, if you
don't care for the person, well,that's a different story.
And why are you even talking tothem is a whole other, that's a
whole other subject and a wholeother podcast.
you do talk to people.
Exactly.
You don't necessarily care forthem.
Right.
And then, you know, do we wantto Get into this whole truth or
not truth.
Yeah, right.
No, absolutely.
But yeah, I was thinking more ofsituations where, like, someone
(04:16):
says, What do you think of thiscolor for that wall?
Or whatever.
Right.
What level of truth you can Ilike that.
I like that question.
You know, do you, do youParticularly if it's a color
that they have chosen for somereason, obviously.
(04:37):
Clearly, because they're showingit to you.
have it on the wall, then, youknow.
So that they're committed.
You have to think.
Am I going to say, well no,actually I think it's hideous?
Or are you going to say, ohyeah, not what I would have
picked, but it's good.
Exactly, so I'm glad you pointthat, because I actually have,
(04:57):
in my house, Have you been to myhouse?
I think that bright blue colorthat I have on my cabinet, that
is a wild, bright blue.
And the reason why I chose it isbecause it makes me feel like
I'm outdoors and there's not alot of windows in my home.
And I wanted to feel, in mykitchen, I wanted to be bright.
So I have sunflowers and thisbright blue color.
(05:18):
And most people will walk intomy house and go, wow! That is
blue.
Well, that is true.
Yes.
It is blue.
And I know what they'rethinking.
But after they're in it for awhile, they actually come back
and go, You know, that kind ofshocked me at the beginning, but
I actually like that.
Yeah.
I understand.
Yeah.
I understand completely.
Yeah.
And so what they said when theyfirst went, Wow, that's blue.
(05:39):
That's the truth.
Yes.
And you understand what they'retrying to say.
Yes, they're trying to be nice.
Yes.
They're putting the truthnicely.
Yes.
Yes.
So.
And what happens when you don'ttell the truth?
Why does it, why does it matteranyway?
So I just, I just think that,again, all the things that I, I,
I'm trying to talk about herewith harmony and new thought and
(06:03):
about creating a life that youcan love.
is that you have to likeyourself first.
You do.
You have to like yourself.
That's, that's one of the thingsthat you work on because how do
you, how do you give what youdon't have?
How do you like others when youdon't really know how to like
yourself or love yourself?
That's number one.
So if you become a liar, your,your, your, your heart and your
(06:24):
mind knows.
That you're a liar.
So it doesn't actually evenbelieve you when you're trying
to tell it something, your mindsomething that you want to do.
You want to say something like,Oh, we do this all the time.
I'm going to lose, I'm going tolose 20 pounds.
Yeah, you've said that before.
This is your mind talking backat you.
You've said that before.
You, you don't really want to dothat.
So you, your mind already knowsthat you're going to be lying to
(06:46):
it.
So the, so the, so, so it hasheard you tell, tell lies and
not necessarily even lies.
Perhaps you had intended to doit, but you didn't.
So as far as the mind isconcerned, you've lied.
You haven't actually done whatyou said you're going to do.
So it doesn't trust you.
You begin not to trust yourself.
So part of it is you trustingyourself, knowing that you're
going to speak the truth as youknow it, as best you can.
(07:10):
And you've done that.
So your mind knows that you aredoing that.
You are saying the best you can,this is the truth I know right
now at this moment.
And given the other things thatyou're trying to do in terms of
your value, this is a truth thatI can say and still love
somebody.
Okay.
So that's a value for me aswell.
So I don't want to hurt people'sfeelings.
So it's important for your owngrowth and their own
understanding and loving andcaring for yourself and
(07:31):
believing yourself that, youknow, I tell the truth.
When someone else says I've hadpeople, here's what I never had
at my first, actually my firstand second husband they've had
experiences with people.
Not both of them.
The first one was a liar.
The second one wasn't, but it'shad people lie to him so much,
so they, they assumed that I waslying.
(07:53):
Because that was theirexperiences.
And I don't, I don't lie.
I don't want to.
It's, it's a, it's a thing forme that I simply want to tell
the truth.
And so I don't.
But I'm not going to try toconvince you that I'm telling
the truth.
That's the work for you to do.
That's your work.
My work is I know that I'mtelling the truth.
If you don't, well, you don't.
Yeah.
(08:13):
It's up to you.
It's up to you.
But that's why it's importantfor yourself.
And do you think that peopleknow if you're not telling the
truth?
I do.
I do.
I really do.
Because I, and while we don'tknow why we know it, we do know
it.
And sometimes we try to talkourselves out of it by saying,
how would we possibly know that?
(08:34):
Because the heart knows.
We talk about the power ofintuition.
And what the, what is it, Ithink Gandhi or someone talks
about the, the, the still truthor the, the real truth that's in
you.
We all have it.
And we argue with ourselvesbecause we don't understand why
we know, but we do.
(08:56):
And we don't have to call itout.
You don't have to say to thatperson, but, and you don't know
why they're lying.
They may not be telling a fulllie, but you know, they're not
telling the full truth.
That's what you know.
And so, yeah, we do know.
It's possible that they may notknow.
That is highly possible.
That is highly possible.
I mean, depending on the levelof which that is implanted in
(09:19):
their own head, they may.
Yes.
And they're telling the truth asthey know it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Correct.
And so we, and so that's thepart of it.
And so part of the thing, therewas a whole book.
It was I don't know.
I can't, his name escapes meright now, but many writers use
his book to talk about, how doyou write books?
(09:40):
And it's about people wearingmasks.
So people wear masks becausethey don't want to show up as
whatever it is that they want,and they want to show up as
something different.
So they wear masks.
And you have to allow people todo that.
You have to allow people thediscretion of showing up the way
they want to show up right nowbecause they're not ready to
(10:01):
show up in a different way.
So you allow those masks tohappen.
And certainly often, maybe moreoften than not, people have been
Convinced by family, bycircumstances, whatever, that
their authentic self is notpresentable.
Not presentable.
Correct.
It's not the correct way to go.
(10:21):
And we certainly you know, oneof the things that we do as
parents is try to do what wethink is best for our children
in terms of their education,what they need to know to be
successful in the world.
What we can't possibly know iswhat they're here to do.
Is what the thing that you knowwhat I mean?
The thing that ignites theirsoul.
We don't know what that is.
And so we want to tell themthings that we know.
(10:41):
Hey, get your education, go downthis path, become a lawyer or an
accountant or something that weknow they can make money from.
And so, so when we tell themthat, what it says is that what
you really want to be isn't goodenough.
And so they, so they startwearing masks in terms of around
you.
Because they can't tell you thetruth.
And maybe I'm not using youdirectly about you personally,
(11:05):
but it's also possible that thechild then thinks that they
can't tell you the truth aboutwhat they want.
That is correct.
The truth is not, it's notavailable.
It's available.
You're not prepared to hear it.
Clearly you're not prepared tohear it.
You don't wish to hear it.
Whatever it is, the childunderstands.
I can't tell the truth here.
(11:26):
So this is the mask I have towear about this subject around
my mom.
Yes.
And, and, and we all have that.
Yeah.
We all know that there aredifferent faces and masks that
we put on and we show up asdifferent people for different,
for different occasions orwhatever.
At this stage in my life though,I'm not willing to do that.
I'm really not.
I, I wonder why do I want to bearound people who don't want to
(11:49):
actually be around me?
Because that's the, that's thebottom line.
Yeah.
They don't really want to bearound me.
Okay.
Well then that's okay then.
That's okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you there's a note here aboutothers take on or create other
stories.
What's that about?
I'm, I'm just curious.
(12:10):
It's your note, not mine, andI'm like, what does that mean?
You don't have to know if youdon't know.
No, no, I do.
I wrote the note.
Well, I know, but that wouldn'tnecessarily mean anything if it
was me.
I might have written the noteand have no clue what I meant.
Well, I think this is just whatwe were just talking about.
Oh, okay.
Because for others, like we, weyou know, around my family,
(12:32):
let's say, you know, I'm, and Iwas just thinking about this, I
was thinking, I, I was justtalking to my my daughter in law
called me like yesterday andwanted to know how I was doing,
and of course, you know, I'vebeen dealing with this thing
that happened while I wasoverseas and came back, and I
didn't realize that I had caughtsomething and so I've been
suffering with it for a coupleof weeks now, and so I was
telling her.
That I finally had it diagnosed,and I'm taking some antibiotics,
(12:54):
and I'm feeling a lot better.
She immediately said, which shealways says, Well, you know,
you're getting older now.
And so.
And so.
Yeah, and I, and I, I just said,you know, I've taken this trip
for 20 years, 20 years I'vetaken this trip and have never,
ever gotten sick.
(13:15):
So the one time that I've gottensick is because I'm old.
And so that's the box that shehas me in.
She doesn't know who I am.
To her, I'm an old lady.
And her mother was an old lady.
Her mother died in her bed, youknow, at her home, as an old
lady.
She had to take care of, sothat's how she sees moms.
Ah, that's how she sees moms,and that's the box she has me
(13:36):
in, but I refuse to show up thatway.
Yeah.
So these are stories she'screating about me.
Yes.
That's not who I am.
And she refused to actually knowand get to know who I actually
am.
So I don't really hang out withher very much because that's the
box she keeps wanting to put mein.
If you come here, if you goaround and do things with me
that I do, you'll see I'm notyour mother.
Mm hmm.
(13:57):
I'm not old.
I'm older, but I'm not old.
Right.
Right?
Right.
You see the difference?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, so that's the story thatpeople create about you and
trying to put you in this box.
Yes.
And that's not the truth of me,and they're not willing to hear
the truth of me.
Right.
They're not willing.
Whatever reason.
Right.
Whatever reason.
But that's the, the point ofthis talk, this point of this
(14:18):
telling the truth is for you.
Everything I think that we talkabout here is about you
individually.
The choices you get to make.
And whether or not, and, and asI've come through a couple of
divorces and it's taken me awhile to get through this last
one because we're together forquite some time.
And discovering all the thingsthat I allowed myself to become,
(14:39):
which were not me, in order tomake the, what I thought was
necessary to make therelationship work.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, at this stage, and havinggone through a couple of great,
you know, big relationships, I'mno longer going to do that.
I'm just going to show up as me.
You either like this part of me,or you don't.
(14:59):
And that's okay.
I like myself.
I'm okay with not having arelationship.
But I have lots of other kindsof relationships.
I don't have to have a romanticrelationship.
I'm okay with it.
Because I've had several.
But I've done that.
And so I'm very clear about thissubject of just showing up as
other people, as what otherpeople need you to be.
And I just, I don't want to dothat anymore.
I just, I don't want to do it.
(15:21):
And I don't want to expect itfrom others either.
Yeah.
Not my grandchildren, not mychildren, not anyone.
And sometimes that's, that's notnecessarily easy.
It's not.
No.
It's, it's something you kind ofautomatically do.
You do.
You know, you say, okay, I haveto, this is what this person's
expecting from me.
This is how I've shown upbefore.
(15:41):
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
Now you're changing the rules.
You're changing and saying, I'mnot doing that anymore.
And they're like, what'shappened?
Yeah.
Of course.
What's happened?
Of course.
Nothing's happened.
I'm just, this is who I am.
And you just gently show up asyou.
You don't have to make a bigdeal out of it.
Just do it.
Yeah.
Just show up as you.
Yeah.
It's, it's a, to me, it's agreat life to live.
(16:02):
And none of the things that wetalked about, because you just
said right now, that's not easy.
Nothing we talk about is easy.
It's hard work.
It's a choice you make to do thework.
I believe you'll have a betterlife for it, for you.
But that's your choice.
You may not think it's worth thework.
Yeah.
Alright.
We can stop there for today.
(16:22):
Thank you all for being here andwe'll see you next time.
Yep.
Hello, and welcome to thisedition of Decide on Joy, a
podcast coming to you fromHarmony Spiritual Center in Fort
Worth, Texas.
My name is Jim Kovalt.
And my name is Rev.
Dr.
P.
J.
Stanley.
Thank you so much for being herewith us today.
This is a podcast about basicelements of New Thought
Spirituality and how they workin daily life.
(00:23):
And things beyond that, if ittakes our mood to go somewhere
else.
This episode is called Tell theTruth to Self and Others.
An initial question, well, thisis not the initial question you
had, but it's one thatimmediately occurs to me when
you say that.
Cause truth now Yes relative issuch that does such a thing
(00:46):
exist exactly, you know, exactlythat is it that is it that
exactly it because you Know oneperson's truth is not
necessarily another person'struth So you took you're looking
at perceptions and things likethat But when we're talking
about tell the truth tell thetruth as you know It tell the
truth as you and your heart knowit to be true for you So you
can't tell someone else's truth.
You don't know their truth Youcan only tell the truth as you
(01:08):
see it, as you know it, for you.
And when I say tell the truth, Imean the truth about yourself.
About what you're feeling, whatyou're saying, what you're
doing.
And it starts with tellingyourself the truth.
Because we tell ourselves littlelies all the time.
You know, I'm doing that to helpyou.
Are you?
How is that helping me?
You tell me that my dress isugly.
(01:29):
How is that helping?
So, so, and that may be true,but how is that helping?
So so yeah, so, so yeah, thetruth is definitely relative,
but I'm talking about reallytelling the truth to yourself.
Why is that necessary?
Exactly.
You know, so we.
We, we're raised with this wholething about what's, you know,
what's right and what's wrongand tell the truth and, and
(01:50):
then, because we had thisconversation a couple, a couple
weeks ago, you and I, about, youknow my, my, my little
grandniece saying that she sawthis guy with this fat belly in
the, in his, in his, mowing hislawn and it looks just like her
dad's fat belly and her mom andgrandmother's, huh, huh, don't,
don't say that, don't say that,and, but it was true.
I mean the guy, you know, so, sowe tell our kids to tell the
(02:10):
truth, but only, what, when?
In certain circumstances, sothat's a confusing, we have a
lot of confusion around whattruth is and all of that.
We also have other things thatwe talk about, about not hurting
people's feelings and all thatkind of thing.
So, So, there's a lot ofquestions around when the truth
is necessary.
Yeah.
Right?
When is it necessary?
And, and, and what is yourpoint?
(02:31):
Like, what is the reason you'retelling this, and I'm doing this
in quotes, truth?
Right.
But I can easily imaginesituations where, I mean, I
don't have a concrete one rightat the top of my head, but I can
imagine situations where someonewill ask me a question and I
know that telling them the truthis not going to work.
(02:51):
It's not going to work.
It's not going to be beneficial.
It really is very official andyou know, sometimes you hear and
we, we, we have to trust ourheart to know what's really
being asked and what's reallybeing said here.
So someone could ask you, youknow, tell me the truth about
this, but are they really readyto hear the truth?
Because I really believe wealready know the truth.
We're, we're asking for, we'renot actually asking for truth,
(03:14):
we're asking for confirmation.
We're asking for confirmation alot.
And so if you can't actuallyconfirm their truth, then what
do you do?
Do you lie?
So one of the things that I'vebegun to say to people when this
is really, this is actually atruth for me is that I actually
can see that for you.
I got, I don't necessarily seeit for someone else.
(03:35):
I might not necessarily see itworking out, but I can see this
truth for you.
And I can say that and that isthe truth for me.
That is what I see.
I can see, I can really see thatworking for you.
Yeah, and I can say that.
So, what's the truth you cansee?
What's the truth you can tell?
If part of what you're trying todo is to care for that person,
(03:56):
if you're in a relationship withthat person, you know, if you
don't care for the person, well,that's a different story.
And why are you even talking tothem is a whole other, that's a
whole other subject and a wholeother podcast.
you do talk to people.
Exactly.
You don't necessarily care forthem.
Right.
And then, you know, do we wantto Get into this whole truth or
not truth.
Yeah, right.
No, absolutely.
But yeah, I was thinking more ofsituations where, like, someone
(04:16):
says, What do you think of thiscolor for that wall?
Or whatever.
Right.
What level of truth you can Ilike that.
I like that question.
You know, do you, do youParticularly if it's a color
that they have chosen for somereason, obviously.
(04:37):
Clearly, because they're showingit to you.
have it on the wall, then, youknow.
So that they're committed.
You have to think.
Am I going to say, well no,actually I think it's hideous?
Or are you going to say, ohyeah, not what I would have
picked, but it's good.
Exactly, so I'm glad you pointthat, because I actually have,
(04:57):
in my house, Have you been to myhouse?
I think that bright blue colorthat I have on my cabinet, that
is a wild, bright blue.
And the reason why I chose it isbecause it makes me feel like
I'm outdoors and there's not alot of windows in my home.
And I wanted to feel, in mykitchen, I wanted to be bright.
So I have sunflowers and thisbright blue color.
(05:18):
And most people will walk intomy house and go, wow! That is
blue.
Well, that is true.
Yes.
It is blue.
And I know what they'rethinking.
But after they're in it for awhile, they actually come back
and go, You know, that kind ofshocked me at the beginning, but
I actually like that.
Yeah.
I understand.
Yeah.
I understand completely.
Yeah.
And so what they said when theyfirst went, Wow, that's blue.
(05:39):
That's the truth.
Yes.
And you understand what they'retrying to say.
Yes, they're trying to be nice.
Yes.
They're putting the truthnicely.
Yes.
Yes.
So.
And what happens when you don'ttell the truth?
Why does it, why does it matteranyway?
So I just, I just think that,again, all the things that I, I,
I'm trying to talk about herewith harmony and new thought and
(06:03):
about creating a life that youcan love.
is that you have to likeyourself first.
You do.
You have to like yourself.
That's, that's one of the thingsthat you work on because how do
you, how do you give what youdon't have?
How do you like others when youdon't really know how to like
yourself or love yourself?
That's number one.
So if you become a liar, your,your, your, your heart and your
(06:24):
mind knows.
That you're a liar.
So it doesn't actually evenbelieve you when you're trying
to tell it something, your mindsomething that you want to do.
You want to say something like,Oh, we do this all the time.
I'm going to lose, I'm going tolose 20 pounds.
Yeah, you've said that before.
This is your mind talking backat you.
You've said that before.
You, you don't really want to dothat.
So you, your mind already knowsthat you're going to be lying to
(06:46):
it.
So the, so the, so, so it hasheard you tell, tell lies and
not necessarily even lies.
Perhaps you had intended to doit, but you didn't.
So as far as the mind isconcerned, you've lied.
You haven't actually done whatyou said you're going to do.
So it doesn't trust you.
You begin not to trust yourself.
So part of it is you trustingyourself, knowing that you're
going to speak the truth as youknow it, as best you can.
(07:10):
And you've done that.
So your mind knows that you aredoing that.
You are saying the best you can,this is the truth I know right
now at this moment.
And given the other things thatyou're trying to do in terms of
your value, this is a truth thatI can say and still love
somebody.
Okay.
So that's a value for me aswell.
So I don't want to hurt people'sfeelings.
So it's important for your owngrowth and their own
understanding and loving andcaring for yourself and
(07:31):
believing yourself that, youknow, I tell the truth.
When someone else says I've hadpeople, here's what I never had
at my first, actually my firstand second husband they've had
experiences with people.
Not both of them.
The first one was a liar.
The second one wasn't, but it'shad people lie to him so much,
so they, they assumed that I waslying.
(07:53):
Because that was theirexperiences.
And I don't, I don't lie.
I don't want to.
It's, it's a, it's a thing forme that I simply want to tell
the truth.
And so I don't.
But I'm not going to try toconvince you that I'm telling
the truth.
That's the work for you to do.
That's your work.
My work is I know that I'mtelling the truth.
If you don't, well, you don't.
Yeah.
(08:13):
It's up to you.
It's up to you.
But that's why it's importantfor yourself.
And do you think that peopleknow if you're not telling the
truth?
I do.
I do.
I really do.
Because I, and while we don'tknow why we know it, we do know
it.
And sometimes we try to talkourselves out of it by saying,
how would we possibly know that?
(08:34):
Because the heart knows.
We talk about the power ofintuition.
And what the, what is it, Ithink Gandhi or someone talks
about the, the, the still truthor the, the real truth that's in
you.
We all have it.
And we argue with ourselvesbecause we don't understand why
we know, but we do.
(08:56):
And we don't have to call itout.
You don't have to say to thatperson, but, and you don't know
why they're lying.
They may not be telling a fulllie, but you know, they're not
telling the full truth.
That's what you know.
And so, yeah, we do know.
It's possible that they may notknow.
That is highly possible.
That is highly possible.
I mean, depending on the levelof which that is implanted in
(09:19):
their own head, they may.
Yes.
And they're telling the truth asthey know it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Correct.
And so we, and so that's thepart of it.
And so part of the thing, therewas a whole book.
It was I don't know.
I can't, his name escapes meright now, but many writers use
his book to talk about, how doyou write books?
(09:40):
And it's about people wearingmasks.
So people wear masks becausethey don't want to show up as
whatever it is that they want,and they want to show up as
something different.
So they wear masks.
And you have to allow people todo that.
You have to allow people thediscretion of showing up the way
they want to show up right nowbecause they're not ready to
(10:01):
show up in a different way.
So you allow those masks tohappen.
And certainly often, maybe moreoften than not, people have been
Convinced by family, bycircumstances, whatever, that
their authentic self is notpresentable.
Not presentable.
Correct.
It's not the correct way to go.
(10:21):
And we certainly you know, oneof the things that we do as
parents is try to do what wethink is best for our children
in terms of their education,what they need to know to be
successful in the world.
What we can't possibly know iswhat they're here to do.
Is what the thing that you knowwhat I mean?
The thing that ignites theirsoul.
We don't know what that is.
And so we want to tell themthings that we know.
(10:41):
Hey, get your education, go downthis path, become a lawyer or an
accountant or something that weknow they can make money from.
And so, so when we tell themthat, what it says is that what
you really want to be isn't goodenough.
And so they, so they startwearing masks in terms of around
you.
Because they can't tell you thetruth.
And maybe I'm not using youdirectly about you personally,
(11:05):
but it's also possible that thechild then thinks that they
can't tell you the truth aboutwhat they want.
That is correct.
The truth is not, it's notavailable.
It's available.
You're not prepared to hear it.
Clearly you're not prepared tohear it.
You don't wish to hear it.
Whatever it is, the childunderstands.
I can't tell the truth here.
(11:26):
So this is the mask I have towear about this subject around
my mom.
Yes.
And, and, and we all have that.
Yeah.
We all know that there aredifferent faces and masks that
we put on and we show up asdifferent people for different,
for different occasions orwhatever.
At this stage in my life though,I'm not willing to do that.
I'm really not.
I, I wonder why do I want to bearound people who don't want to
(11:49):
actually be around me?
Because that's the, that's thebottom line.
Yeah.
They don't really want to bearound me.
Okay.
Well then that's okay then.
That's okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you there's a note here aboutothers take on or create other
stories.
What's that about?
I'm, I'm just curious.
(12:10):
It's your note, not mine, andI'm like, what does that mean?
You don't have to know if youdon't know.
No, no, I do.
I wrote the note.
Well, I know, but that wouldn'tnecessarily mean anything if it
was me.
I might have written the noteand have no clue what I meant.
Well, I think this is just whatwe were just talking about.
Oh, okay.
Because for others, like we, weyou know, around my family,
(12:32):
let's say, you know, I'm, and Iwas just thinking about this, I
was thinking, I, I was justtalking to my my daughter in law
called me like yesterday andwanted to know how I was doing,
and of course, you know, I'vebeen dealing with this thing
that happened while I wasoverseas and came back, and I
didn't realize that I had caughtsomething and so I've been
suffering with it for a coupleof weeks now, and so I was
telling her.
That I finally had it diagnosed,and I'm taking some antibiotics,
(12:54):
and I'm feeling a lot better.
She immediately said, which shealways says, Well, you know,
you're getting older now.
And so.
And so.
Yeah, and I, and I, I just said,you know, I've taken this trip
for 20 years, 20 years I'vetaken this trip and have never,
ever gotten sick.
(13:15):
So the one time that I've gottensick is because I'm old.
And so that's the box that shehas me in.
She doesn't know who I am.
To her, I'm an old lady.
And her mother was an old lady.
Her mother died in her bed, youknow, at her home, as an old
lady.
She had to take care of, sothat's how she sees moms.
Ah, that's how she sees moms,and that's the box she has me
(13:36):
in, but I refuse to show up thatway.
Yeah.
So these are stories she'screating about me.
Yes.
That's not who I am.
And she refused to actually knowand get to know who I actually
am.
So I don't really hang out withher very much because that's the
box she keeps wanting to put mein.
If you come here, if you goaround and do things with me
that I do, you'll see I'm notyour mother.
Mm hmm.
(13:57):
I'm not old.
I'm older, but I'm not old.
Right.
Right?
Right.
You see the difference?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, so that's the story thatpeople create about you and
trying to put you in this box.
Yes.
And that's not the truth of me,and they're not willing to hear
the truth of me.
Right.
They're not willing.
Whatever reason.
Right.
Whatever reason.
But that's the, the point ofthis talk, this point of this
(14:18):
telling the truth is for you.
Everything I think that we talkabout here is about you
individually.
The choices you get to make.
And whether or not, and, and asI've come through a couple of
divorces and it's taken me awhile to get through this last
one because we're together forquite some time.
And discovering all the thingsthat I allowed myself to become,
(14:39):
which were not me, in order tomake the, what I thought was
necessary to make therelationship work.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, at this stage, and havinggone through a couple of great,
you know, big relationships, I'mno longer going to do that.
I'm just going to show up as me.
You either like this part of me,or you don't.
(14:59):
And that's okay.
I like myself.
I'm okay with not having arelationship.
But I have lots of other kindsof relationships.
I don't have to have a romanticrelationship.
I'm okay with it.
Because I've had several.
But I've done that.
And so I'm very clear about thissubject of just showing up as
other people, as what otherpeople need you to be.
And I just, I don't want to dothat anymore.
I just, I don't want to do it.
(15:21):
And I don't want to expect itfrom others either.
Yeah.
Not my grandchildren, not mychildren, not anyone.
And sometimes that's, that's notnecessarily easy.
It's not.
No.
It's, it's something you kind ofautomatically do.
You do.
You know, you say, okay, I haveto, this is what this person's
expecting from me.
This is how I've shown upbefore.
(15:41):
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
Now you're changing the rules.
You're changing and saying, I'mnot doing that anymore.
And they're like, what'shappened?
Yeah.
Of course.
What's happened?
Of course.
Nothing's happened.
I'm just, this is who I am.
And you just gently show up asyou.
You don't have to make a bigdeal out of it.
Just do it.
Yeah.
Just show up as you.
Yeah.
It's, it's a, to me, it's agreat life to live.
(16:02):
And none of the things that wetalked about, because you just
said right now, that's not easy.
Nothing we talk about is easy.
It's hard work.
It's a choice you make to do thework.
I believe you'll have a betterlife for it, for you.
But that's your choice.
You may not think it's worth thework.
Yeah.
Alright.
We can stop there for today.
(16:22):
Thank you all for being here andwe'll see you next time.
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