January 23, 2024 • 53 mins
"Benji has an unusual dream for a Goblin: To run the best dang espresso joint Tokyo has ever seen. But when templars, dwarves and clowns(?) start messing with his livelihood, Benji must learn to 'stand on business' and defend his dream - but at what cost?"
Host - CJ Rhone
Guest - Suave
Find him here:
https://www.instagram.com/tbc_2suave/
Producer - Nuqady
Email us at definitelynotgoodpodcast@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What up, you dingus?
(00:02):
This is definitely not good.
The podcast where we create stories,
and they're definitely, probably not good.
I'm your host, CJ, and I'm joined by my producer, Nuckity.
Yo, foo!
Hey, we got a special guest today.
We got Suave.
All right, thanks for having me.
Absolutely, thanks for coming.
I don't know what this is, guys,
but you know, it's definitely not good.
["Favorite Color"]
(00:42):
Suave, thank you for joining us.
How you doing?
I'm doing good.
How you doing?
Not too bad.
What is your favorite color?
Favorite color is blue.
Blue?
Like sky blue or like dark navy in the ocean blue?
Like royal blue, sky blue, yeah.
Oh, royal blue is good.
Royal blue.
(01:04):
You know, I know Nuckity's favorite color,
but I'll go ahead and ask it.
Nuckity, what's your favorite color?
Oh, I like the opposite, man.
I like the blood red, you know.
Blood red.
Blood red, yeah.
Wow, like the red that's in blood?
Yeah, yeah, that color?
Yeah.
I love it.
So if I just cut my arm off right now,
you would like that color.
Oh man.
I would be over it.
Nice.
I'd have the goo goo eyes and everything, man.
(01:25):
It's crazy.
Oh man.
Well, hey, if it's your first time listening,
this is pretty much how everything works.
Your little new booty.
We are amazing storytellers.
Amazing.
And it's our job, our duty,
to come up with a story completely from scratch
with a little twist.
We have a series of wheels that we're going to spin
and they're gonna give us completely random things.
(01:47):
I mean, completely random.
And based off what those selections are,
we have to come up with something from scratch.
It's probably not gonna be good, but we'll do our best.
It's definitely not.
Definitely not.
Let's just be honest.
You know what you are.
Yeah.
Yeah, just a quick reminder.
This is not gonna be a good story.
If you were coming here expecting a good story,
(02:09):
you were sadly mistaken and you were in the wrong place.
Yeah, but stick around, you know.
This is gonna suck.
Yeah.
And you're just gonna have to deal with it.
Hey, I know also Nuckety likes to have a little warmup
before we start also.
I do.
Nuckety, why don't you take the floor?
Okay, so I'm gonna mix a couple of them together.
You ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
I'm gonna put your skills to the test.
(02:29):
All right, let's do it.
All right, so in your best Cookie Monster voice, all right?
I want you to hum the I Roll Monsters theme song.
Dang, I don't even know that theme song.
Oh, that's fine.
Go ahead and make it up.
Yeah, it's whatever you got.
You got it.
Can you give me an example of a Cookie Monster voice?
Cookie Monster?
(02:49):
Yeah, you gotta give him a Cookie Monster.
Cookie, cookie, cookie.
Cookie, cookie, cookie.
Cookie, cookie, cookie.
I don't even know.
Cookie, cookie.
You know what I say, you want me to do a song?
Yeah, hum a song.
A theme song for a show about monsters.
What'd you think that sounded like?
It's the monster, monster.
Monster, monster, things are monster.
I don't even know.
(03:10):
Wow, that's a banger right there.
Hold on, that was incredible, man.
I didn't know you had that in you.
Can we get one more verse?
One more verse?
Shoot, I'm not trying.
Wait, what was the question again?
My bad.
My bad.
What do you want me to do again?
The I Roll Monsters theme song.
(03:30):
I don't even know.
All right, we're gonna have to get you on the show again
to continue that song.
I like that verse.
You said, what'd you say?
You said monster, monster, cookie, cookie.
Monster, monster, cookie, cookie.
I don't even know.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
That's fire, man.
Can we sample that and make a beat out of it?
Oh, I'm gonna do it.
Yeah.
Excellent, thank you, Slaavé.
(03:51):
Let's get to know you a little bit.
Slaavé, tell us what you do.
Right now, I just work at a casino.
I do ballet.
Oh, right on.
And I make music on the side.
Oh, you're one of them, though.
Nice.
Yeah.
You ever thought about taking those cars that you get in?
Nah.
Really? Nah.
Oh, man, that'd be so tempted, though.
Yeah, no, I don't think about taking them.
I wish I could drive them though,
take them for a joy ride.
(04:12):
For sure.
Has anyone ever given you, like, a bad tip?
Yeah, sometimes.
What do you do for someone who gives you a bad tip?
None, I just, I mean, I act regular.
I just smile.
You smile?
A bit in my head, I'm like, damn it.
Yeah.
Hatred beneath your smile?
Yeah, cause some people really, like,
(04:33):
it's hit me a quarter.
A quarter?
Yeah, like, legit a quarter.
I'ma steal something.
Like, the coin, the quarter.
Yes, the coin.
You take me a quarter, I'ma steal something.
I'm not even good.
You throw that back in their face?
No, that's a little aggressive, but damn, a quarter?
Yeah, it be bad sometimes.
They know what they're doing if they give you a quarter.
Yeah, that's disrespect.
Just give me nothing, bro.
Yeah, you think a quarter's worth of service?
(04:55):
I be running two of these cards.
Running?
Yeah, I be trying to give good guest service,
but it don't be worth it sometimes.
That's what you give for being good at your job.
She'll leave that quarter, like, on their dashboard
with a note that says, you forgot this bitch.
I wish I could.
I wish I could.
I gotta super glue it to the dashboard
so we can't get it off.
Super glue it, yeah.
(05:15):
Yeah, be like, oops, I accidentally, like, whoopsie.
Yeah, I did like a quarter's worth of parking for your car.
Probably not too good.
Well, what's your favorite movie or TV show right now?
Favorite movie is John Wick.
John Wick?
Yeah, I like action movies.
That's a solid choice.
What's your favorite John Wick?
(05:36):
Probably the second one.
I watched the new one the other day, the fourth,
but I know it's been out for a little bit, but.
Yeah, they're making another one.
Yeah, that was actually a trick question.
They're all really good.
They're all different.
They're all the same movie.
I think the second one's actually my favorite too,
to be honest, because that's when shit gills down.
Honestly, I don't know the difference.
(05:56):
I've seen them all too.
I don't know the difference between them.
You can play a scene from any one of them.
I'd be like, oh, this was from that one movie
that's four movies long.
That's all I know.
I know John Wick three, he was riding a horse.
He rode a horse?
Oh yeah.
Maybe that was four.
See, I don't know.
He's killing people in all of them.
They're all the same movie.
Yeah, nonstop action.
(06:17):
Yeah.
Well, we're not sponsored by anyone yet,
but we do have a wheel of sponsors we can pick from.
Yeah.
Let's go ahead and spin that wheel.
That was better!
That was better!
That was better!
That was better!
Today's episode is brought to you by
an orchestra of monkeys.
Beautiful.
This episode is sponsored by
(06:37):
a beautiful orchestra of monkeys.
What do these monkeys sound like, Nuckity?
Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof!
They're capuchin monkeys,
so they don't do that whole ooh ooh ah ah shit.
They say woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof!
You know?
You know what I mean?
Mr. Krabs?
Yeah.
How do you feel about this orchestra of monkeys, Swave?
It's nice.
It's nice?
(06:58):
Yeah.
Is it your preferred jam,
or do you have like a different type of monkey
or animal orchestra you like to listen to?
Uh, no, monkey and I.
Okay.
Well, our sponsors would be happy to hear that.
We all love-
Swarming lives, monkeys.
We all love monkeys.
You know, I don't know what kind of orchestra monkeys we got going on, but I will say, I
(07:19):
thought long and hard about this.
I think-
Think long and hard.
I think an orangutan is my favorite monkey.
Orangutan?
Yeah, because those monkeys, like, they're smart.
They know-
Aren't they?
Like, the orangutans, they have secrets.
The way they look around, they're like, they know something.
Yeah, but they're not monkeys, though.
They're not?
Nah, nah, those are apes.
(07:39):
Aren't those the ones with, like, the ugly butts, though?
No, that's baboons.
The baboons?
I know some animals.
Monkeys are not apes?
No.
Isn't, like, ape like a classification?
Hold on, pause the music.
Isn't ape like a classification of monkey?
Nah, nah.
It's a different thing.
But they both go, ooh-ah, though, right?
(08:01):
They both-
What's the difference?
Are they just bigger?
Apes are bigger?
Monkeys have tails.
Okay, that's valid.
But, like, third.
Well, like, different, though.
Isn't just, like, ape is bigger?
Nah, nah.
Because chimpanzees are ape.
What?
Yeah, they just got tails.
What the fuck?
What did they fucking teach me in school, man?
Nothing, man.
They didn't teach you nothing.
Oh my God.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
(08:22):
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
Okay, play the music again.
Thank you so much, Orchestra Monkeys, for sponsoring us today.
Thank you, Orchestra Monkeys.
Don't want to listen to you too long, but thanks for sponsoring us.
That's it.
That's it, guys.
That was great.
(08:43):
That was great.
Suave, am I saying your name right?
Yeah.
What video game are you playing right now?
2K23.
I haven't got the new one yet.
Is that a basketball?
Yeah.
Basketball.
Yeah.
You're a real tall, real short.
Real tall, I ain't going to lie.
I ain't going to lie.
Nice.
I always do that too.
I'm like, what's the biggest...
(09:04):
I wish you could make someone who's like eight feet just to see what it's like.
Yeah, sometimes, yeah.
I always make my guys as small as possible and have them flying over a little bit, just
because that's funny.
Like he can jump really, really well?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I train him to be a good dunker.
Is that possible?
Yeah.
Well, you don't get the cool dunks though, because it'll limit you based on your height.
(09:25):
But yeah.
Okay.
I like to be a little off, bitches.
Shit.
How are the cut scenes in that game?
I mean, I'd be like skipping paths and trying to...
Yeah, yeah.
Or you'd be paying attention to them.
I just like playing it.
It's cool.
Okay.
That's solid.
Well, why don't we go ahead and get started with this podcast, shall we?
(09:45):
We're going to spin our first wheel, which is the genre wheel.
I am knocking on wood, hoping we get good spins this time.
Oh, we'll see.
Hot damn.
some crazy ass man. Let's go ahead and spin it. It seems like the more we add it to the wheel the worse it got. For sure.
Oh, like it's like the more we thought about it the worse it got.
(10:06):
Potentially. All right, let's spin that first wheel.
Dragons and perhaps Dungeons. Ah. Nerd shit. You ready for some nerd shit Swabay? Let's do it.
I'm ready. Alright, Dungeons and Dragons. How familiar are you with Dungeons and Dragons? Man, I ain't gonna lie to you, not at all.
(10:28):
Not at all. No, it's not worse. Perfect.
Perfect. What's like your preferred like if you could like be in Dungeons and Dragons world?
What race would you want to be? Do you know the races? Uh-uh. Nah, hit on their nothing. Irrelevant, irrelevant.
What are the races I'll pick one? Go ahead and guess one.
Uh, I'll probably be like an elf or something.
(10:50):
Okay.
Elf, yeah.
That's solid.
Hell yeah, dude.
Like one of them elves that have lived for like 2,000 years, probably?
Yeah.
That's an old elf.
Well, actually, I don't know if I wanna, I don't know if I wanna live that long.
That's a long song.
Okay, okay. We're gonna, we're gonna go through the different races, and I want you to pick one.
But for now, we'll continue with the wheel spins and see what we got.
(11:12):
Alright, cool.
Our next one is our setting wheel.
Setting?
Where are we taking place, potentially?
We're taking place in a spinning, spinning, spinning in it.
Spin on.
I'm getting bit at this accent.
That was good, that was good.
Uh, the streets of Tokyo.
Hell yeah.
Okay.
Hell yeah.
Interesting, interesting.
Are you an anime fan?
Not necessarily, but I'll watch it if it's on.
(11:35):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, I don't know how, I mean, the streets of Tokyo, a lot of shit can go down, you know.
Doesn't have to be anime related.
A lot of game shit.
We're going Dungeons slash Tokyo, that's gonna be interesting.
The streets of Tokyo.
Tokyo.
Like, streets of rage with Tokyo.
Alright, our next wheel is our character job.
Occupation.
Occupation.
(11:56):
Spinning the wheel, spinning.
It's spinning a barista.
Okay, nice, nice and easy.
Barista, coffee, next wheel.
You like coffee?
Yeah, do you like coffee?
Yeah, I like it.
What's your preferred drink?
It's like a caramel macchiato.
Something like that.
Oh, shit.
I only know about that drink because of the talladega nice.
(12:19):
He ain't first, you're last.
Yeah, yeah.
Alright, our next is our character flaw.
What's the problem with this guy?
What is your fucking problem, spinning?
Spin it.
What is your problem?
Disrespectful.
They're just disrespectful.
They disrespectful.
They disrespecting.
This is a very rude barista.
This is a rude ass barista.
(12:41):
Interesting, interesting.
Okay, I'm already getting some ideas about a barista, some kind of dungeon and dragon
or dragon.
I'm not gonna fucking say dragon, copyright strike.
Anti-lawyers, lawyers don't listen.
Okay, so yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, barista, rude, okay.
She's a rude ass barista.
Does not want to be involved with the adventures.
(13:02):
Let's just say that.
Just does not want to be involved at all.
Doesn't wait their turn.
Very rude.
Our second to last wheel is our antagonist.
And our bad guy.
Agonist.
Spin it.
Spin it.
Spin it.
Spin it.
Spin it.
Spin it.
Spin it.
A clown.
(13:23):
Okay, perfect.
You know, I'm pretty confident clown is not a job class in Dungeons and Dragons, so.
Well, it is goddamn now, goddamn it, isn't it, goddamn it.
Wow, a clown.
You know, I'm just gonna go ahead and give the clown role to you.
Nuckety, when we get to that point.
You want me to be a clown?
Oh yeah.
Okay.
Yes, sir.
(13:44):
What am I, Joe Pesci?
What do I clown to you?
Am I a fucking clown?
Suave, anything jumping out at you with these spins?
They're different, that's for sure.
Oh yeah.
It's wild.
Yeah.
So we got Dungeons and or Dragons.
Or something like that.
We have the streets of Tokyo, where it's taking place.
The streets, bitch.
The main character, who will be you, is the barista.
(14:07):
Very disrespectful is the problem with this character.
Can you be disrespectful?
You're a really nice guy in person, so I don't know if you can handle that.
I mean, I can try to be there.
Okay, okay, okay, awesome.
And that guy just is a clown.
So.
That's me.
Before we start, two things.
One, I want a cool name for this barista.
(14:30):
What do you guys got?
Ooh.
Wait, before that, actually, we gotta pick a class for your character.
Yeah.
Alright, so I'm gonna list some stuff out for you, alright?
Human.
Boring.
Boring.
You could be a human, that's fine.
I pick human sometimes.
Elf.
Dwarf.
Goblin.
Slime.
I'll pick a couple, I'll say a couple more.
(14:53):
Dragonborn, which is like a dragon-human hybrid.
Both at the same time.
At the same time.
Gnome.
Halfling, like Laura of the Rings, Frodo type dude.
The short dude?
Yeah.
Wait, that's the ugly looking one, kind of?
Yeah, with the big feet, yeah.
I'm not in that movie.
Shoot, there's more, there's more, oh, there's definitely more.
(15:15):
I have a couple, let me think about it.
There's like dark elves, so like they're elves, but they're like dark skinned and like kind
of maybe a little bit evil.
A little bit evil, you know?
And shoot, you know?
Just any other fantasy creature you can think of, it's probably Indundant Dragon, so.
Probably a goblin.
Goblin?
I like that, I like that.
(15:36):
Goblin coffee, what's your coffee spot called?
Goblin Express.
Ooh, damn.
Damn, we expressing these espressos.
Remind me to hit that copyright button before we...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it.
Goblin express espresso, goblin express or espresso?
(15:57):
Oh yeah, espresso.
Okay, goblin espresso.
Goblin espresso, what you doing today?
I'm goblin espresso.
That's pretty good.
Awesome.
And finally a name.
This guy's name.
Oh yeah, what's his name?
Benji.
Benji?
Benji, okay.
Benji.
So I'm picturing this, I'm picturing Benji with a bit of a beard.
(16:18):
He's goblin with a beard.
He's got some real narrow yellow eyes, kind of older, big nose, big ears, wearing a barista
uniform.
He has like one or two employees.
What is that, like an apron?
Yeah.
Okay.
I don't go to coffee like this.
So we're opening up on this goblin espresso, the streets of Tokyo, okay?
(16:41):
It's a little bit after sundown.
Actually, not sundown, sundown implies that it's...
Like dusk?
Yeah, it's dusk time.
Oh, dusk in the streets of Tokyo.
We're hearing some cafe music.
We're seeing people coming in and out of goblin espresso, right?
And we see Stacy.
Sorry, not Stacy, we're in Tokyo.
(17:02):
Tokyo.
Japanese girl name.
Yoko?
No.
No, let's not do that.
Kimiko.
Kimiko, okay.
Kimiko comes up.
Hi, Benji.
Hi.
Oh, he's shy.
Hello.
She talks to one of her friends who's with her.
(17:23):
He always gets shy, but I get a free cup of coffee.
Can I get a caramel macchiato, please?
Yes.
What else would you like?
Yeah, I was hoping I can get one for my friend too.
She's out of town and I just wanted to show her this cool goblin cafe.
What does she look like?
She's right here.
She's...
I can let her talk.
(17:44):
Yes, I am Lysandra, a templar of the temple industry.
I don't...
Yes.
And I heard that there was a goblin in town.
You serve coffee here?
Yes, yes I do.
We've recently upped our prices though.
You upped your prices?
Yeah, just now.
(18:05):
Let me see these prices.
He quickly scribbles some new prices on there.
10,000 yen for coffee.
You said you were a business owner.
She rips it up.
I knew you were a monster.
Monsters...
Listen to me, Kimiko.
Come over here, actually.
Come over.
They kind of go to the corner.
Monsters can't run businesses.
They want to wipe out everybody.
(18:28):
They want to tear down civilization.
So of course they're going to...
Coffee's probably poisoned.
Okay, but he's really nice though.
He's really nice.
Whatever.
I'll wait outside.
Kimiko goes back to Benji.
I'm sorry about that, Benji.
I'll just do the caramel macchiato.
All right, I got you.
Coming right up, QT.
Damn.
Laying it on her.
It says 20,000 yen for mine.
(18:52):
I got you.
Just give me two dollars.
Or two yen.
Two yen.
Two yen?
Wow.
I don't know the exchange rate.
That's a great...
Is that good?
Okay, yeah.
Here, she just puts two yen down.
Wow.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can you describe how Benji makes his coffee?
He gets fresh black coffee, and then he puts his secret sauce in it with some whipped cream
(19:16):
on top.
Oh, secret, secret, secret goblin sauce.
So it's just literally this container that's just secret sauce on it.
He puts it inside.
It's like a Gatorade bottle.
It says Benji's secret sauce.
Wow, thank you so much.
Okay, bye.
They both leave.
One of your coworkers who is indeed a slime, his name is...
(19:40):
Goggles.
Goggles.
He's a slime.
Goggles.
He wears goggles.
Hey, boss.
Can I go home?
Did you finish doing your task?
Yeah, I just sweeped everything.
You look over, and there's just a slime trail everywhere.
So the customer walks by and slips and falls.
Nobody cares.
I put this slip sign up.
See you tomorrow.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
(20:01):
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
See you tomorrow.
Okay.
You put the sign on him and he just absorbs it.
And he just walks out.
It starts to melt.
Continuing the slime trail.
Person's still on the ground, by the way.
My back.
So you're looking at the time, and it's almost time to wrap up.
(20:26):
But suddenly, you get a customer, or not a customer.
You hear the little ding ding ding as the door opens.
You hear these goofy ass clown shoes with every single step.
And he approaches you and says, Hi.
Hi.
How you doing?
Hi.
(20:46):
You good?
Smell my flower.
Huh?
He squirts them in the face.
What would you like?
What would you like?
Oh, I just want a coffee.
Black.
All right.
Come right up.
They go to make the coffee.
And they're like, oh, I just want a coffee.
Black.
All right.
Come right up.
They go to make the coffee.
And the clown is followed by a gnome in wearing sunglasses and a business suit.
(21:12):
His name is Gnomey.
Mr. Gnomey.
Gnomey?
I need a clown name, too.
What's your name?
Ooh.
What is it?
Pogo.
Pogo?
The clown.
Wait a minute.
I feel like that's taken.
Yeah, I think Pogo the Clown was a serial killer.
Uh oh.
Stinky.
Stinky?
Stinky the Clown?
(21:32):
Stinky the Clown.
Mr. Stinky.
Mr. Stinky.
What do you think of this establishment?
It's not that great.
It's real small in here.
What would you like to do with it?
Oh, let's throw pies at it.
Very good, sir.
Gnomey snaps his fingers.
And yeah, pretty much like an army of small people come in and just start making a mess.
(21:55):
They like they have their own pies.
Small.
Just fucking minions.
Yeah.
Small army of.
So what's smaller than a gnome?
Yeah, a small army of fairies come in and they start throwing pies everywhere.
Stinky the Clown also joins in and he's just pieing up the place.
How does Benji react to this?
We start throwing expresso at him.
(22:17):
Oh dang.
Oh shit, it's hot.
How dare you do that?
Do you know who this is?
Not just a clown.
This is Stinky the Clown.
My back is on fire.
He owns this whole precinct, this whole area.
My apologies, sir.
You can have whatever you want for free.
That's more like it, subservient.
(22:37):
Now we're going to need that coffee for free, Benji.
Okay, I got you.
Very good.
Takes the coffee.
Spits in it.
Tastes pretty good.
Did you put cobblin spit in this?
No, just that secret sauce.
Oh, this tastes good.
I like the secret sauce.
(22:58):
All right, Mr. Stinky, let's check out these other establishments.
See which one you'd rather you'd like to buy.
Okie dokie.
They leave and you just have pies everywhere.
You have a dark elf waitstaff who comes out and is like, what the hell happened out here?
We had a clown come in and it got crazy.
(23:21):
You let a clown in here, Benji, and you just let him throw pies everywhere?
Yeah, I was shook.
I didn't know what to do.
Benji.
His little gnome friend.
Benji, what's up?
Benji, okay, first off, someone's coming in, hey, is the spot open?
Grease up those friars.
And she says, we're closed.
And she kicks him out.
Okay, Benji, we have to talk.
(23:44):
We have to talk.
Okay, we're closed.
She flips the closed sign.
She attempts to clean off a table and some time passes as they get it all ready.
So now it's Benji and this dark elf named Suzy.
Suzy?
Yeah, Suzy the dark elf.
(24:04):
Suzy the dark elf.
Benji, what's going on?
You can talk to me.
I don't know.
Things are just bad right now.
Like, okay, listen, I know it was your dream to have a cafe in Tokyo, right?
You accomplished it.
And you got away from all those monsters.
You're not a monster anymore, despite what people say.
But now you have to be kind of a monster in business.
(24:27):
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I don't want to see people just do whatever they want.
You know, it's okay to be rude.
It's okay to be disrespectful and just, you know, just be mean to your customers, you
know, because your coffee is good, damn it.
She slams the table.
Oh, sorry, I broke the table.
Your coffee is good, Benji.
Okay, you have a good business.
So I just I don't know, I want to see you use some of that goblin fury in this business
(24:50):
and kick people out if they're bad.
Okay.
Okay, I got you.
I can do that.
Okay.
And can I take tomorrow off?
Not tomorrow, but the next day.
Okay, there we go.
That's good.
Very good.
All right.
Can I take tomorrow off the next day?
No.
(25:10):
Okay, that's good.
That's good.
That's good.
That's good, Benji.
All right.
I will see you later.
Bye.
Later.
The night ends.
So Benji goes upstairs and there's a little little hobble.
He has pretty small cute bed for a goblin.
You know, he has a picture of his idol.
(25:32):
It is the goblin chief warzak.
You know, it's just a goblin but he's got a headdress on fierce red eyes.
You admire warzak but he also was a monster and destroyed stuff but you didn't want to
do that.
You want to open a coffee shop.
So you decide to go put on some headphones and you put on an app that says, uh, uh, become
(25:59):
a monster overnight.
It's like a affirmations for the aspiring monster.
Okay.
You put it on, you listen to it and now can you give us some aspirational affirmations
and stuff that this app is suggesting?
You are good at life.
Make life your bitch.
(26:20):
You will make life your bitch and you will succeed in success and your business will
be flourishing as business.
There's some subliminal messages in there too.
It says, just like stuff to like make you make you more monster.
Yeah.
Um, well, and there's like, so he's listening to this.
(26:41):
The night unfolds, right?
And the next day, the next day happens and your eyes open and they're no longer narrow
and yellow, but they're red and they're, um, glowing almost like you're still like you,
but you feel, you somehow feel stronger and more unstoppable after hearing this.
(27:05):
Powerful.
Powerful.
You, um, go into the bathroom and brush your teeth and the toothbrush breaks just because
of how fiercely you're brushing them.
Yeah.
And you get a, you get a call.
Um, someone's calling for you downstairs.
It's a, what's the slimes name again?
Goggles.
Goggles.
Boss, I'm here.
I opened the door.
(27:26):
Business is open.
Yeah.
Like he do that again.
Yeah, no problem.
Boss, there's a customer here with a complaint.
Um, and there's a, there's a dwarf and he says, no, see here.
I want a refund, bring your manager here this instant.
How, how am I help you?
(27:47):
Oh, a goblin runs this place.
I should have known.
He gets his acts and he literally just freaking chops down on your counter.
Your nice wood counter.
He puts this hatchet into it.
Now it's just like there.
If I'd known a goblin here, I would have chopped your head off.
(28:07):
His boys laugh.
What does Benji do?
Benji grabs his ass and grabs his ass.
And smacks him in the head with it.
Nice.
So, uh, Benji, I want to say he also grabs his ass as he grabs the ax.
Just to establish the counter.
What's going on?
(28:28):
And what does he do with it?
With the ax?
Smacks him upside the head a few times.
Oh dang.
Kicks him.
Oh dang.
Throws him out the front door.
Oh damn.
Oh my God.
So just like no hatchets in the, in the cafe.
Yeah.
He just freaking throws this goblin.
The goblin, I'm not gobbling.
The dwarf is actually kind of bigger than him.
So he does all that and he's like, oh, what, what the hell was that?
(28:52):
He's kind of just all beaten up and he's just like, did you grab my ass?
I'm out of here.
He leaves.
Goggles like boss.
I can't believe it.
We ain't taking no more disrespect around here.
And Susie claps her hands.
That's what I'm talking about, boss.
All right.
(29:13):
All right.
All the other customers look around like, don't worry.
We just had a bad customer.
Everyone can get on with their business.
Mind your fucking business.
Oh, and that's our new employee.
It's a fairy named Cedric.
Cedric, you want to introduce yourself to everyone?
Hi, I'm, I'm Cedric the enter fairy tainer.
(29:39):
That's not a real thing.
You're not a real thing.
None of you are real things.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I've been seeing a therapist.
I'm going to get my rage under control.
He's working through it, guys.
Okay.
Back to business, back to, you know, all your other stuff.
Benji, can I talk to you real quick?
Yes.
We're going to back and talk.
Okay.
Benji, and then they go to the back.
(30:00):
Um, you know, it's funny.
Goggles is always sweeping and mopping, but whenever he mops, he just leaves a trail of
slime everywhere.
So nothing ever really gets cleaned.
Vicious cycle.
It just keeps coming.
Um, wow.
Benji, I don't even recognize you.
What's going on?
What happened?
Things you said to me really inspired me.
(30:21):
Can't be taking that bullshit no more.
My coffee is too damn good.
That's what I'm talking about.
Um, yeah.
So I think we, I think I saw that like boat, that clown, right?
What was his name?
Stinky?
Stinky booty.
Stinky.
Stinky booty the clown.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think he's coming back.
Why don't you, she gets like kind of real ill.
(30:42):
We see the evil glint in her eyes.
Why don't we just kick his ass when he gets here?
What do you think about that?
Say no more.
We own it.
He's like, I'm waiting.
Okay.
I'm going to keep an eye out.
I'll let you know if I see him.
Okay.
All right.
I bet.
I got to come up with a plan.
All right.
So, uh, we go on throughout the day and they're just making coffee.
This is some pretty good coffee from Goblin espresso, by the way.
(31:03):
Uh, Kimiko and Lysandra, the Templar night come back.
Hi Benji.
It's me again with Lysandra.
How you doing?
Cute ass.
Looking good.
How you doing, mom?
Oh, I'm doing good.
Uh, Lysandra is here too.
And she goes, I think she wants, I tried, I talked her back to, to coming back here and
giving her coffee another try.
(31:25):
Um, do you mind making her like an espresso?
Yeah, I could do anything for you.
It's on the house.
I doubt it would be very good from a goblin.
We'll see about that.
So he gets to it.
He's making the coffee, you know, he's putting that special sauce in.
Um, he's doing all this extra stuff.
He does little latte art.
Yeah.
Like does like hearts and shit.
Um, she's looking at the artwork on your wall and one of them is of Warzak, the goblin
(31:50):
war chief.
And she says Warzak the goblin war chief.
I killed this loser months ago.
He was a pathetic, pathetic goblin, just like the rest of his race.
Pathetic.
How does Benji react to this?
He got his ape shit on her.
Oh, please describe what she did.
What does he do?
Well, well, I'll take it back.
(32:11):
Not him.
He don't go apeshit on her.
He get, he get his home girl.
I think he get apeshit on her and his home girl just whoops her ass.
Wait, like, uh, Kimiko whoops her ass?
Yeah.
No, the, the dark elf.
The, the girl I was talking in the back with.
Oh, oh, Susie.
Okay.
Yeah.
Susie whoops her ass.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(32:32):
So, you know, she, she, she looks over to you and, um, you can tell that you're, you
want to kick, kick her ass, you know?
And so she goes ahead, you know, she used to be an archer.
So she takes out her bow and arrow and she shoots her on the side on her abdomen.
And she says, Oh, did you shoot me in a cafe?
She pulls out her sword and her shields.
It does 20 damage.
(32:53):
Thank you.
Kimiko.
I knew this place was danger.
We have to beat up these people.
Kimiko says, no, no, they're, I swear they're, they're not bad.
They're not bad people.
Why did your barista shoot me with an arrow?
You can't be disrespecting my race like that.
Okay.
But you can't disrespect me by shooting me in the, in the, in the side.
I worked really hard on this disease.
We don't stand for racism in my cafe, bitch.
(33:15):
And the person you're disrespecting, a lot of people love them.
Kimiko's like, you were kind of being a racist bitch, Lissandra.
To be honest, but goblins are bad.
Goblins are good.
You just got to treat us nice.
We'll treat you nice.
Okay.
Lissandra, let's just get out of here.
I'm so sorry, Benji.
I'm so sorry.
We're going to leave.
I'm going to talk to Lissandra.
(33:35):
Maybe she'll get woke.
I'll be back.
I'll be back for you, Benji.
The monster goblin.
And I'll kill you just like I killed your war chief.
See you later.
They leave.
Call her bitch.
Bitch?
Some of the crowd, you get a mix of people like going like, yeah, clapping at other people
(33:55):
who are leaving.
Cause they're like, this is weird.
It's too much.
I can't put in my coffee.
Susie comes over and stirs the blood into the coffee.
It'll make it taste better.
It'll make it taste better.
Trust me on it.
It's smoother.
Yeah.
Smooth finish.
We're going to take a short break and get back to this thrilling story.
Don't go anywhere.
(34:18):
Okay.
Great.
Thanks for, thanks for not leaving for a while.
We're going to leave.
We'll be back.
Bye.
Cut.
Hey, we're back and we've got another sponsor.
Let's spin our sponsor wheel.
(34:38):
Apples.
This episode is proudly sponsored by apples.
Red apples, green apples, golden apples.
Just not red delicious.
You know, apples are good for you.
I hear they also keep the doctor away.
Yeah.
Cause fuck doctors.
Fuck doctors.
Except, uh, you know, the good ones.
The good doctors are good.
Yummy.
(34:59):
Yeah.
Um, Hey, Slavey, I know you have like a personal infatuation with apples.
Can you tell us a little bit about that?
I love apples.
Love green apples.
The sour apples.
Sour.
You like the sour ones too?
Yeah.
Okay.
It's refreshing.
The crunch when I bite into it.
Ooh, that crunch.
I just love them.
(35:19):
Yeah.
Yeah.
You ever get that little pain behind your ear when you get that, that, that, that, that
pain behind your ear when you get that, that sour flavor?
Yeah.
Makes my mouth quiver.
That's a weird flavor.
Quivering mouth hole.
Wow.
I mean, I gotta be honest.
I don't think I've ever quivered eating an apple, but.
(35:40):
Never?
If it's sour, I'd be like.
Oh, if it's, if it's, if it's sour.
Yeah.
True, true.
Um, folks, what are your favorite apple dishes?
Um, you like a fritter?
Fritter's good.
I like apple pie.
I like apple pie.
Yeah.
I also fuck with them, uh, McDonald's apple pies.
Those are pretty good.
(36:01):
Those are the best thing right there.
Yeah.
God damn.
Ooh, late night snack.
Those are great.
They always are out of them, but.
Always.
Someone's going up, some fat motherfucker is going up and he's like, can I get 50 apple,
50 apple pies.
Always.
Are they, they're fritters, right?
Am I tripping?
Is that what a fritter is?
What's a fritter?
You know.
That's a good question.
I thought fritters were more like donuts.
(36:22):
Like a donut?
Yeah.
Like a dough thing.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
They're like the long ones, right?
Yeah.
The long ones.
Yeah.
It's the apple pie pocket.
Yeah.
Um, yeah.
Shout out to Apples.
Like legitimately really glad this showed up on our sponsor list.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Um, actually way back when we were coming up with this show, I was thinking, what do
(36:46):
I want to be sponsored by?
And I thought, I think Apples is one of the first ones.
Apples are great.
I know.
Oh, and just to clarify, not Apple.
Yeah.
Like the technology company.
Definitely not Apple.
Not that Apple.
Um, if we ever do get sponsored by them, we will probably be pretty explicit about that
fact that it's not the edible kind of Apples, but the technology ones.
(37:06):
We'll make sure you know.
We'll make sure you know.
I mean, you'll know if we're sponsored by Apple.
Because we won't shut up about it.
We won't shut up about it.
We'll keep talking about their technology and that vision thing that's coming out.
The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the.
That's the thing.
boats.
They tripping though.
35 hunting for that 3500.
(37:26):
Yeah.
That's a lot of Apples.
It's a lot of Apples.
Thank you.
Apples.
Thank you, apples.
Thank you.
I think I like apple cider.
That's my favorite apple thing.
Yeah, that's good stuff.
Especially good, good apple cider.
Like.
Sparkling apple cider sparklings.
Good to be each big.
Let me tell you about this.
Yeah.
Thank you.
(37:47):
Apples.
Where we last left off was Goblin Espresso,
run by the Goblin, Benji, and his staff.
He's a little bit of a pushover,
but after listening to this affirmation app,
he's kind of turned blood red rage disrespectful
to kind of everybody.
(38:08):
His hair looks nicer.
Hair looks nicer, yeah, it's gotta come over.
But he is standing up for himself,
maybe a little bit too aggressive, we're not sure yet,
but he is, you know, he's standing on business,
as they like to say.
He's standing on me.
I'm gonna punch you.
I'm gonna punch you.
But you know, we got stinky booty the clown coming back,
(38:32):
so things might get a little crazy, we'll see though.
Little saucy.
Yeah, a little saucy.
We got one more wheel we're gonna spin,
it's the topic wheel, like to throw a wrench
in our already broken stories, so let's spin it.
Spinning the topic wheel, spinning, spinning,
(38:52):
a music number.
Oh, man, I feel sorry for the sound guy.
I'm just gonna say that right now.
Yeah, whoever that is.
Whoever the sound guy is.
Whoever that sound guy.
You know, let's just,
I think we should just get this out of the way, guys.
Stinky the Clown comes in, okay?
(39:15):
What is Stinky the Clown doing as he's walking in?
He's juggling puppies.
Juggling puppies.
Yeah.
And they're going,
Arrrr, arrr, arrr, arrr.
Nomi comes in and says, hello, Benji?
Hello, mate.
I think we're going to destroy this place
just once and for all.
We have an idea for a clown shop, okay?
(39:37):
Tell him about it.
Well, I'm gonna have puppy-chuggling lessons
and high-throwing lessons and big shoe lessons.
How do you feel about that, Benji?
Yeah, how does your ass feel?
It sound good, but look,
we got the best espressos in the whole town.
From multiple years straight, the people gonna miss us.
(39:58):
Oh.
You can't take us out like that.
I apologize for being disrespectful, little.
Oh, yeah.
But let's work something out, hold on.
Yeah, you know, that's a valid point.
A quick survey, everyone.
Who here likes this cafe?
One person hesitantly raises their hand.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
(40:19):
Stinky proceeds to drop-kick that person.
No!
Damn.
Anybody else really like this cafe?
No people?
Oh, Benji, it seems no one likes your cafe.
So I think it's gonna be a puppy-juggling spot.
Let's compete for it.
Compete?
Let's compete for this spot.
You wanna battle me?
Let's battle.
(40:40):
Oh, I can't think of anything better than,
he pushes a button and some party,
like balloons pop up and confetti,
and he says, oh, rap battle!
He finds I can't look enough to clean this up.
All right, this is gonna be a rap battle
for the title of this spot, okay?
(41:01):
Whoever wins this rap battle gets to own this location.
And just for the record,
we're tearing everything down if we win, all right?
So we're gonna start with clearly the best,
Stinky the Clown.
Stinky!
Here's you a mic.
All right, I'm gonna break it down.
Psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh.
Yo, yo, yo, this is my name is Stinky,
(41:22):
and I can rap.
I'ma beat your ass, you fucking fat fat.
Hell yeah.
Psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, word.
Woo, yes!
It's just Mr. Nomi who's doing that.
Yeah, everybody loves him, that's that.
I'm fucking fresh.
I grew up in the 80s, bitch.
All right, all right.
Now it's time for Benji the Goblin.
(41:43):
Boo!
All right, I'm gonna break it down.
Psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh.
Hey, hold on, wait a minute, you stinky ass clown.
Goblin's in this bitch and we're here to tear it down.
Psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, hold on.
Psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh.
All right, I'm not gonna lie, that was pretty good.
That was pretty good, that was pretty good.
All right, so, yeah, can I get a witness?
(42:03):
Can I get some everyone?
If you like clown, sticky the clown, let me hear it.
Boo.
I don't hear anyone.
Wait, everyone left.
There's no one in there.
Oh gosh.
We're doing this for nobody.
Well, you know, I'm gonna go ahead and say
that he won by default.
Because sticky the clown is amazing, am I right?
Woo!
(42:24):
Susie comes by.
Still just you.
Susie the clown, Susie comes by with a bow and arrow.
I think not.
I think we'd rather just kill you and you'll never,
you know, we'll just own everything after we kill you.
That sound good, Benji?
Let's get it.
Kimiko comes in, she says, wait, Benji,
I thought you weren't a monster.
(42:44):
I thought you were a business owner.
Gotta stand on business.
This get tricky.
Can't you solve this some other way?
Shoo, unless he agree not to take my spot,
there ain't no other way.
She flips her head and her hair like follows, you know,
and she says, stinky the clown,
won't you find it reasonable in your heart
(43:04):
to not demolish the spot and just give it to Benji?
He deserves this spot, doesn't he?
You know what?
You might be right.
Is he still juggling puppies?
Of course he is.
Okay, he's still.
He hasn't stopped.
But I need a place to teach my underlings
how to juggle these puppies.
(43:25):
There's a group of fairies nearby.
Yeah, we wanna learn how to juggle puppies,
specifically puppies.
All right, how about we work together then?
It'd be a public juggling spot that serves espresso.
Oh my goodness, that is a great idea.
Make lots of money.
Why did I think of that?
Oh my God, Mr. Nomi takes off his glasses
(43:46):
and he wipes his tear.
I never thought Cloud the Goblin would ever get along.
I never thought it.
Group hug, everyone.
They all do a group hug.
They all do a group hug.
Suddenly, Lissandra's back with two other templars
and knights and swords and shields,
and he says, it's time to kill you monsters.
(44:08):
Wait, what's going on here?
Nice stinky booty.
Let's whip they ass.
Oh hell yeah, my G.
Let's get it on.
He pulls out a balloon animal sword.
Oh, that's sick.
Can you guys please describe
what you do to these templar knights?
Oh, it ain't pretty.
Let's start with the clown.
What's he doing?
So he got his balloon animal sword
and he cuts off the first guy's head.
(44:29):
With the balloon animal sword?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is, okay.
So he slices off this guy's head
with a balloon animal sword.
And what does he say after he does that?
Give me a second.
Yeah, yeah.
While he's thinking about it,
Suzy comes with the bow and arrow
(44:50):
and she does that slide that you see
in Lord of the Rings legless.
She shoots three bows from her,
three arrows from her bow
and it goes into the abdomen of all three of it.
It goes, oh!
They all fall down.
But Lissandra's not having it.
She takes the shield and she crashes.
She breaks the arrow off with her shield.
And then she goes charging in for Suzy
(45:11):
and she literally does a shield tackle.
She falls into the wall and bounces off of it.
She's kind of down
because that was a really hard charge hit.
The slime goggles, he goes very, he's like, ah!
But he's like moving really, really slow.
Yeah, slimes are slow.
One of the Templar Knights just has like a holy grenade
and he throws it.
(45:33):
Into the slime?
Into the slime and it doesn't do anything.
Nothing.
He just absorbs it and it melts.
If it would have went off, then he would have died.
But he said he's just, oh!
One of the dudes steps on the slime trail
and he slides into him and he gets stuck
and he's like, oh, shit, help, hey, guys, guys, help!
Hey, hey, you guys!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
(45:56):
Yep, and his skin dissolves into a skeleton instantly
because he's very ascetic.
And the slime is like, what the fuck was that?
Did you guys hear that?
What's Benji doing?
Lissandra's coming for, after she knocks down Suzy,
she goes for Benji.
What's he doing?
Benji, there's a chandelier over the table.
It's Benji swinging from chandelier
(46:17):
and then Benji does a backflip, sparring kicks.
Oh, snap!
One of the people starts getting it on.
Damn!
You think you're so cool, huh?
Yeah.
What do you think about this?
She pulls out the headdress of Warzak, the goblin chief,
and she puts it on herself.
Damn!
(46:37):
Your war chief was nothing.
I'm gonna kill him just like I killed you.
Or kill, oh my God, what did you put in that coffee?
Ugh!
I'm gonna kill you like I killed him.
This bitch is asking for it.
She tried me, what?
So he gets even more red.
So red that his skin goes from green
(46:57):
to like a tinge of orange slash red.
And I think he's got a special attack coming up.
Can you describe what this special attack is?
There's a gas can in the back
where all the cleaning supplies are at.
Benji runs around the corner, grabs a gas can,
and then double backs around,
throws the gas on her, and lights her on fire.
(47:19):
Oh snap!
Oh my God!
That's a special move, all right.
She goes, ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Kimiko's like,
Lysandre, stop dropping, roll, stop dropping, roll!
Shut up, bitch, shut up, bitch!
So she's like on fire,
and Kimiko gets a bucket of water
and splashes it on her, on Lysandre,
and she's taking a lot of damage,
(47:41):
and she's like breathing heavy.
30 damage.
Ah, you son of a bitch!
She gets up, and she's about to charge for Benji again,
but suddenly, Slice or whatever that sounds like,
balloon animal sword cuts her in half,
her sword, no, cuts her head in half or something.
No, just cuts the head off.
(48:02):
Balloon animal sword.
No, no, no, no.
He cuts her in half.
Cuts her head in half.
Cuts her.
He cuts her from the top of her head
to the bottom of her neck.
Damn.
And what does Stinky say after he does that?
He says, see?
I pump, I pump this, I don't know.
(48:26):
Suzy says, that was really cool.
She falls unconscious.
Eat balloon!
What does Benji do after seeing all this?
Benji looks over at Stinky Booty and is like,
I appreciate you, brother.
I appreciate you!
And then he looks at Suzy and is like,
why are you sleeping on the job?
(48:49):
I think I've got some internal bleeding, boss.
Maybe we can make things less chaotic here,
tone down the disrespect a little bit, boss, please.
Oh yeah, I think we can do that.
New year, new us.
He powers down, he goes from orange to green again.
(49:10):
So now what?
We closed?
Are we still in business?
We still in business, but let's get you to a doctor.
Okay.
Ballroom ball, fuck, so terrible.
Goggles absorbs her, doesn't dissolve her,
but takes her to the next spot.
Kimiko approaches Benji.
(49:31):
Wow, I thought I'd be more sad to see my friend,
Lysandra, die like that, but she was kind of a bitch.
She was really racist, Benji.
I don't know why I was hanging out with her.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
She was so racist to you.
I didn't know she was gonna come attack you like that.
Yeah, she was a bitch.
(49:52):
Don't blame yourself, though.
I don't know if this is weird,
with all this blood and chaos that just happened,
but can I get a caramel macchiato to go?
Iced, maybe?
I got you.
I'll put some extra secret sauce in there for you.
We pan out.
What's in your secret sauce, Benji?
The world may never know.
(50:12):
We hear that cafe music as we zoom in out.
He writes his number on the cup.
And we just zoom out slowly, slowly, slowly.
Go up into the air.
And that's it!
We did it, guys.
We fucking made it.
We did it.
We did it.
We did it.
We did it.
This wasn't necessarily on the streets of Tokyo, but...
(50:35):
The cafe was.
The cafe was.
I'm used to you,
because all that stuff that was going on,
that sounded like Tokyo to me, I don't know.
Yeah.
What do you think Benji learned from all this?
In order to be in business,
you gotta stand on business.
By the same time, you gotta know your limits.
To win standing on business,
can't let it get too hectic.
(50:57):
Can't let it get too hectic.
Absolutely.
Suave, you funny, man.
Suave, I wanna thank you so much for coming in.
Do you have any plugs for us?
Any places you want people to check out online?
So you can check out my Instagram.
I got the link with my latest song out
with my boy, Matty Darko.
Know I ain't tough.
(51:18):
Oh yeah, my Instagram is TBC underscore two Suave.
Gotcha.
And thank you guys for having me here.
Absolutely. Thanks for coming.
Thanks for coming.
Nuckity, where can people find your stuff?
My stuff?
You guys wanna find my stuff?
Yeah.
That is so sweet.
Tell me!
Oh yeah, I'm at NUQADY on everything.
(51:40):
If you wanna hit me up and get some beats
and or studio time, I can handle that.
If you wanna make a podcast or whatever,
I got a little podcast studio in the Tacoma, Seattle area.
Yeah, you know, hit me on up.
If you wanna show some support to the show,
go ahead and follow us on everything
at DNGPOD on everything.
(52:01):
And you can email us at definitelynotgoodpodcasts
at gmail.com.
If you got like any drawings you wanna send into us
and maybe we'll post it up on our social media
and tag you in that bitch.
And then, you know, a little bit of this,
little bit of that, and then you got a steak.
Yeah.
Birthday cake.
Hell yeah.
(52:21):
Hell yeah.
Do you have anything you wanna say
to the people as stinky booty the clown?
Don't, don't, don't, don't bring a girl around me.
True, true player for real.
Oh damn.
Play's gonna play.
Play's gonna play, standing on business.
My God.
Stand on business.
(52:42):
Hey, thank you so much for listening.
Please give us five stars on whatever platform
you're listening to.
Motherfucker.
We're gonna continue making these horrible episodes,
whether you like it or not.
But we also appreciate you listening.
So stick around with us and have yourself a good day.
Bye.
You're not good.
What up, you dingus?
(00:02):
This is definitely not good.
The podcast where we create stories,
and they're definitely, probably not good.
I'm your host, CJ, and I'm joined by my producer, Nuckity.
Yo, foo!
Hey, we got a special guest today.
We got Suave.
All right, thanks for having me.
Absolutely, thanks for coming.
I don't know what this is, guys,
but you know, it's definitely not good.
["Favorite Color"]
(00:42):
Suave, thank you for joining us.
How you doing?
I'm doing good.
How you doing?
Not too bad.
What is your favorite color?
Favorite color is blue.
Blue?
Like sky blue or like dark navy in the ocean blue?
Like royal blue, sky blue, yeah.
Oh, royal blue is good.
Royal blue.
(01:04):
You know, I know Nuckity's favorite color,
but I'll go ahead and ask it.
Nuckity, what's your favorite color?
Oh, I like the opposite, man.
I like the blood red, you know.
Blood red.
Blood red, yeah.
Wow, like the red that's in blood?
Yeah, yeah, that color?
Yeah.
I love it.
So if I just cut my arm off right now,
you would like that color.
Oh man.
I would be over it.
Nice.
I'd have the goo goo eyes and everything, man.
(01:25):
It's crazy.
Oh man.
Well, hey, if it's your first time listening,
this is pretty much how everything works.
Your little new booty.
We are amazing storytellers.
Amazing.
And it's our job, our duty,
to come up with a story completely from scratch
with a little twist.
We have a series of wheels that we're going to spin
and they're gonna give us completely random things.
(01:47):
I mean, completely random.
And based off what those selections are,
we have to come up with something from scratch.
It's probably not gonna be good, but we'll do our best.
It's definitely not.
Definitely not.
Let's just be honest.
You know what you are.
Yeah.
Yeah, just a quick reminder.
This is not gonna be a good story.
If you were coming here expecting a good story,
(02:09):
you were sadly mistaken and you were in the wrong place.
Yeah, but stick around, you know.
This is gonna suck.
Yeah.
And you're just gonna have to deal with it.
Hey, I know also Nuckety likes to have a little warmup
before we start also.
I do.
Nuckety, why don't you take the floor?
Okay, so I'm gonna mix a couple of them together.
You ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
I'm gonna put your skills to the test.
(02:29):
All right, let's do it.
All right, so in your best Cookie Monster voice, all right?
I want you to hum the I Roll Monsters theme song.
Dang, I don't even know that theme song.
Oh, that's fine.
Go ahead and make it up.
Yeah, it's whatever you got.
You got it.
Can you give me an example of a Cookie Monster voice?
Cookie Monster?
(02:49):
Yeah, you gotta give him a Cookie Monster.
Cookie, cookie, cookie.
Cookie, cookie, cookie.
Cookie, cookie, cookie.
I don't even know.
Cookie, cookie.
You know what I say, you want me to do a song?
Yeah, hum a song.
A theme song for a show about monsters.
What'd you think that sounded like?
It's the monster, monster.
Monster, monster, things are monster.
I don't even know.
(03:10):
Wow, that's a banger right there.
Hold on, that was incredible, man.
I didn't know you had that in you.
Can we get one more verse?
One more verse?
Shoot, I'm not trying.
Wait, what was the question again?
My bad.
My bad.
What do you want me to do again?
The I Roll Monsters theme song.
(03:30):
I don't even know.
All right, we're gonna have to get you on the show again
to continue that song.
I like that verse.
You said, what'd you say?
You said monster, monster, cookie, cookie.
Monster, monster, cookie, cookie.
I don't even know.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
That's fire, man.
Can we sample that and make a beat out of it?
Oh, I'm gonna do it.
Yeah.
Excellent, thank you, Slaavé.
(03:51):
Let's get to know you a little bit.
Slaavé, tell us what you do.
Right now, I just work at a casino.
I do ballet.
Oh, right on.
And I make music on the side.
Oh, you're one of them, though.
Nice.
Yeah.
You ever thought about taking those cars that you get in?
Nah.
Really? Nah.
Oh, man, that'd be so tempted, though.
Yeah, no, I don't think about taking them.
I wish I could drive them though,
take them for a joy ride.
(04:12):
For sure.
Has anyone ever given you, like, a bad tip?
Yeah, sometimes.
What do you do for someone who gives you a bad tip?
None, I just, I mean, I act regular.
I just smile.
You smile?
A bit in my head, I'm like, damn it.
Yeah.
Hatred beneath your smile?
Yeah, cause some people really, like,
(04:33):
it's hit me a quarter.
A quarter?
Yeah, like, legit a quarter.
I'ma steal something.
Like, the coin, the quarter.
Yes, the coin.
You take me a quarter, I'ma steal something.
I'm not even good.
You throw that back in their face?
No, that's a little aggressive, but damn, a quarter?
Yeah, it be bad sometimes.
They know what they're doing if they give you a quarter.
Yeah, that's disrespect.
Just give me nothing, bro.
Yeah, you think a quarter's worth of service?
(04:55):
I be running two of these cards.
Running?
Yeah, I be trying to give good guest service,
but it don't be worth it sometimes.
That's what you give for being good at your job.
She'll leave that quarter, like, on their dashboard
with a note that says, you forgot this bitch.
I wish I could.
I wish I could.
I gotta super glue it to the dashboard
so we can't get it off.
Super glue it, yeah.
(05:15):
Yeah, be like, oops, I accidentally, like, whoopsie.
Yeah, I did like a quarter's worth of parking for your car.
Probably not too good.
Well, what's your favorite movie or TV show right now?
Favorite movie is John Wick.
John Wick?
Yeah, I like action movies.
That's a solid choice.
What's your favorite John Wick?
(05:36):
Probably the second one.
I watched the new one the other day, the fourth,
but I know it's been out for a little bit, but.
Yeah, they're making another one.
Yeah, that was actually a trick question.
They're all really good.
They're all different.
They're all the same movie.
I think the second one's actually my favorite too,
to be honest, because that's when shit gills down.
Honestly, I don't know the difference.
(05:56):
I've seen them all too.
I don't know the difference between them.
You can play a scene from any one of them.
I'd be like, oh, this was from that one movie
that's four movies long.
That's all I know.
I know John Wick three, he was riding a horse.
He rode a horse?
Oh yeah.
Maybe that was four.
See, I don't know.
He's killing people in all of them.
They're all the same movie.
Yeah, nonstop action.
(06:17):
Yeah.
Well, we're not sponsored by anyone yet,
but we do have a wheel of sponsors we can pick from.
Yeah.
Let's go ahead and spin that wheel.
That was better!
That was better!
That was better!
That was better!
Today's episode is brought to you by
an orchestra of monkeys.
Beautiful.
This episode is sponsored by
(06:37):
a beautiful orchestra of monkeys.
What do these monkeys sound like, Nuckity?
Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof!
They're capuchin monkeys,
so they don't do that whole ooh ooh ah ah shit.
They say woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof!
You know?
You know what I mean?
Mr. Krabs?
Yeah.
How do you feel about this orchestra of monkeys, Swave?
It's nice.
It's nice?
(06:58):
Yeah.
Is it your preferred jam,
or do you have like a different type of monkey
or animal orchestra you like to listen to?
Uh, no, monkey and I.
Okay.
Well, our sponsors would be happy to hear that.
We all love-
Swarming lives, monkeys.
We all love monkeys.
You know, I don't know what kind of orchestra monkeys we got going on, but I will say, I
(07:19):
thought long and hard about this.
I think-
Think long and hard.
I think an orangutan is my favorite monkey.
Orangutan?
Yeah, because those monkeys, like, they're smart.
They know-
Aren't they?
Like, the orangutans, they have secrets.
The way they look around, they're like, they know something.
Yeah, but they're not monkeys, though.
They're not?
Nah, nah, those are apes.
(07:39):
Aren't those the ones with, like, the ugly butts, though?
No, that's baboons.
The baboons?
I know some animals.
Monkeys are not apes?
No.
Isn't, like, ape like a classification?
Hold on, pause the music.
Isn't ape like a classification of monkey?
Nah, nah.
It's a different thing.
But they both go, ooh-ah, though, right?
(08:01):
They both-
What's the difference?
Are they just bigger?
Apes are bigger?
Monkeys have tails.
Okay, that's valid.
But, like, third.
Well, like, different, though.
Isn't just, like, ape is bigger?
Nah, nah.
Because chimpanzees are ape.
What?
Yeah, they just got tails.
What the fuck?
What did they fucking teach me in school, man?
Nothing, man.
They didn't teach you nothing.
Oh my God.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
(08:22):
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
They just joked.
Okay, play the music again.
Thank you so much, Orchestra Monkeys, for sponsoring us today.
Thank you, Orchestra Monkeys.
Don't want to listen to you too long, but thanks for sponsoring us.
That's it.
That's it, guys.
That was great.
(08:43):
That was great.
Suave, am I saying your name right?
Yeah.
What video game are you playing right now?
2K23.
I haven't got the new one yet.
Is that a basketball?
Yeah.
Basketball.
Yeah.
You're a real tall, real short.
Real tall, I ain't going to lie.
I ain't going to lie.
Nice.
I always do that too.
I'm like, what's the biggest...
(09:04):
I wish you could make someone who's like eight feet just to see what it's like.
Yeah, sometimes, yeah.
I always make my guys as small as possible and have them flying over a little bit, just
because that's funny.
Like he can jump really, really well?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I train him to be a good dunker.
Is that possible?
Yeah.
Well, you don't get the cool dunks though, because it'll limit you based on your height.
(09:25):
But yeah.
Okay.
I like to be a little off, bitches.
Shit.
How are the cut scenes in that game?
I mean, I'd be like skipping paths and trying to...
Yeah, yeah.
Or you'd be paying attention to them.
I just like playing it.
It's cool.
Okay.
That's solid.
Well, why don't we go ahead and get started with this podcast, shall we?
(09:45):
We're going to spin our first wheel, which is the genre wheel.
I am knocking on wood, hoping we get good spins this time.
Oh, we'll see.
Hot damn.
some crazy ass man. Let's go ahead and spin it. It seems like the more we add it to the wheel the worse it got. For sure.
Oh, like it's like the more we thought about it the worse it got.
(10:06):
Potentially. All right, let's spin that first wheel.
Dragons and perhaps Dungeons. Ah. Nerd shit. You ready for some nerd shit Swabay? Let's do it.
I'm ready. Alright, Dungeons and Dragons. How familiar are you with Dungeons and Dragons? Man, I ain't gonna lie to you, not at all.
(10:28):
Not at all. No, it's not worse. Perfect.
Perfect. What's like your preferred like if you could like be in Dungeons and Dragons world?
What race would you want to be? Do you know the races? Uh-uh. Nah, hit on their nothing. Irrelevant, irrelevant.
What are the races I'll pick one? Go ahead and guess one.
Uh, I'll probably be like an elf or something.
(10:50):
Okay.
Elf, yeah.
That's solid.
Hell yeah, dude.
Like one of them elves that have lived for like 2,000 years, probably?
Yeah.
That's an old elf.
Well, actually, I don't know if I wanna, I don't know if I wanna live that long.
That's a long song.
Okay, okay. We're gonna, we're gonna go through the different races, and I want you to pick one.
But for now, we'll continue with the wheel spins and see what we got.
(11:12):
Alright, cool.
Our next one is our setting wheel.
Setting?
Where are we taking place, potentially?
We're taking place in a spinning, spinning, spinning in it.
Spin on.
I'm getting bit at this accent.
That was good, that was good.
Uh, the streets of Tokyo.
Hell yeah.
Okay.
Hell yeah.
Interesting, interesting.
Are you an anime fan?
Not necessarily, but I'll watch it if it's on.
(11:35):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, I don't know how, I mean, the streets of Tokyo, a lot of shit can go down, you know.
Doesn't have to be anime related.
A lot of game shit.
We're going Dungeons slash Tokyo, that's gonna be interesting.
The streets of Tokyo.
Tokyo.
Like, streets of rage with Tokyo.
Alright, our next wheel is our character job.
Occupation.
Occupation.
(11:56):
Spinning the wheel, spinning.
It's spinning a barista.
Okay, nice, nice and easy.
Barista, coffee, next wheel.
You like coffee?
Yeah, do you like coffee?
Yeah, I like it.
What's your preferred drink?
It's like a caramel macchiato.
Something like that.
Oh, shit.
I only know about that drink because of the talladega nice.
(12:19):
He ain't first, you're last.
Yeah, yeah.
Alright, our next is our character flaw.
What's the problem with this guy?
What is your fucking problem, spinning?
Spin it.
What is your problem?
Disrespectful.
They're just disrespectful.
They disrespectful.
They disrespecting.
This is a very rude barista.
This is a rude ass barista.
(12:41):
Interesting, interesting.
Okay, I'm already getting some ideas about a barista, some kind of dungeon and dragon
or dragon.
I'm not gonna fucking say dragon, copyright strike.
Anti-lawyers, lawyers don't listen.
Okay, so yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, barista, rude, okay.
She's a rude ass barista.
Does not want to be involved with the adventures.
(13:02):
Let's just say that.
Just does not want to be involved at all.
Doesn't wait their turn.
Very rude.
Our second to last wheel is our antagonist.
And our bad guy.
Agonist.
Spin it.
Spin it.
Spin it.
Spin it.
Spin it.
Spin it.
Spin it.
A clown.
(13:23):
Okay, perfect.
You know, I'm pretty confident clown is not a job class in Dungeons and Dragons, so.
Well, it is goddamn now, goddamn it, isn't it, goddamn it.
Wow, a clown.
You know, I'm just gonna go ahead and give the clown role to you.
Nuckety, when we get to that point.
You want me to be a clown?
Oh yeah.
Okay.
Yes, sir.
(13:44):
What am I, Joe Pesci?
What do I clown to you?
Am I a fucking clown?
Suave, anything jumping out at you with these spins?
They're different, that's for sure.
Oh yeah.
It's wild.
Yeah.
So we got Dungeons and or Dragons.
Or something like that.
We have the streets of Tokyo, where it's taking place.
The streets, bitch.
The main character, who will be you, is the barista.
(14:07):
Very disrespectful is the problem with this character.
Can you be disrespectful?
You're a really nice guy in person, so I don't know if you can handle that.
I mean, I can try to be there.
Okay, okay, okay, awesome.
And that guy just is a clown.
So.
That's me.
Before we start, two things.
One, I want a cool name for this barista.
(14:30):
What do you guys got?
Ooh.
Wait, before that, actually, we gotta pick a class for your character.
Yeah.
Alright, so I'm gonna list some stuff out for you, alright?
Human.
Boring.
Boring.
You could be a human, that's fine.
I pick human sometimes.
Elf.
Dwarf.
Goblin.
Slime.
I'll pick a couple, I'll say a couple more.
(14:53):
Dragonborn, which is like a dragon-human hybrid.
Both at the same time.
At the same time.
Gnome.
Halfling, like Laura of the Rings, Frodo type dude.
The short dude?
Yeah.
Wait, that's the ugly looking one, kind of?
Yeah, with the big feet, yeah.
I'm not in that movie.
Shoot, there's more, there's more, oh, there's definitely more.
(15:15):
I have a couple, let me think about it.
There's like dark elves, so like they're elves, but they're like dark skinned and like kind
of maybe a little bit evil.
A little bit evil, you know?
And shoot, you know?
Just any other fantasy creature you can think of, it's probably Indundant Dragon, so.
Probably a goblin.
Goblin?
I like that, I like that.
(15:36):
Goblin coffee, what's your coffee spot called?
Goblin Express.
Ooh, damn.
Damn, we expressing these espressos.
Remind me to hit that copyright button before we...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it.
Goblin express espresso, goblin express or espresso?
(15:57):
Oh yeah, espresso.
Okay, goblin espresso.
Goblin espresso, what you doing today?
I'm goblin espresso.
That's pretty good.
Awesome.
And finally a name.
This guy's name.
Oh yeah, what's his name?
Benji.
Benji?
Benji, okay.
Benji.
So I'm picturing this, I'm picturing Benji with a bit of a beard.
(16:18):
He's goblin with a beard.
He's got some real narrow yellow eyes, kind of older, big nose, big ears, wearing a barista
uniform.
He has like one or two employees.
What is that, like an apron?
Yeah.
Okay.
I don't go to coffee like this.
So we're opening up on this goblin espresso, the streets of Tokyo, okay?
(16:41):
It's a little bit after sundown.
Actually, not sundown, sundown implies that it's...
Like dusk?
Yeah, it's dusk time.
Oh, dusk in the streets of Tokyo.
We're hearing some cafe music.
We're seeing people coming in and out of goblin espresso, right?
And we see Stacy.
Sorry, not Stacy, we're in Tokyo.
(17:02):
Tokyo.
Japanese girl name.
Yoko?
No.
No, let's not do that.
Kimiko.
Kimiko, okay.
Kimiko comes up.
Hi, Benji.
Hi.
Oh, he's shy.
Hello.
She talks to one of her friends who's with her.
(17:23):
He always gets shy, but I get a free cup of coffee.
Can I get a caramel macchiato, please?
Yes.
What else would you like?
Yeah, I was hoping I can get one for my friend too.
She's out of town and I just wanted to show her this cool goblin cafe.
What does she look like?
She's right here.
She's...
I can let her talk.
(17:44):
Yes, I am Lysandra, a templar of the temple industry.
I don't...
Yes.
And I heard that there was a goblin in town.
You serve coffee here?
Yes, yes I do.
We've recently upped our prices though.
You upped your prices?
Yeah, just now.
(18:05):
Let me see these prices.
He quickly scribbles some new prices on there.
10,000 yen for coffee.
You said you were a business owner.
She rips it up.
I knew you were a monster.
Monsters...
Listen to me, Kimiko.
Come over here, actually.
Come over.
They kind of go to the corner.
Monsters can't run businesses.
They want to wipe out everybody.
(18:28):
They want to tear down civilization.
So of course they're going to...
Coffee's probably poisoned.
Okay, but he's really nice though.
He's really nice.
Whatever.
I'll wait outside.
Kimiko goes back to Benji.
I'm sorry about that, Benji.
I'll just do the caramel macchiato.
All right, I got you.
Coming right up, QT.
Damn.
Laying it on her.
It says 20,000 yen for mine.
(18:52):
I got you.
Just give me two dollars.
Or two yen.
Two yen.
Two yen?
Wow.
I don't know the exchange rate.
That's a great...
Is that good?
Okay, yeah.
Here, she just puts two yen down.
Wow.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can you describe how Benji makes his coffee?
He gets fresh black coffee, and then he puts his secret sauce in it with some whipped cream
(19:16):
on top.
Oh, secret, secret, secret goblin sauce.
So it's just literally this container that's just secret sauce on it.
He puts it inside.
It's like a Gatorade bottle.
It says Benji's secret sauce.
Wow, thank you so much.
Okay, bye.
They both leave.
One of your coworkers who is indeed a slime, his name is...
(19:40):
Goggles.
Goggles.
He's a slime.
Goggles.
He wears goggles.
Hey, boss.
Can I go home?
Did you finish doing your task?
Yeah, I just sweeped everything.
You look over, and there's just a slime trail everywhere.
So the customer walks by and slips and falls.
Nobody cares.
I put this slip sign up.
See you tomorrow.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
(20:01):
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
See you tomorrow.
Okay.
You put the sign on him and he just absorbs it.
And he just walks out.
It starts to melt.
Continuing the slime trail.
Person's still on the ground, by the way.
My back.
So you're looking at the time, and it's almost time to wrap up.
(20:26):
But suddenly, you get a customer, or not a customer.
You hear the little ding ding ding as the door opens.
You hear these goofy ass clown shoes with every single step.
And he approaches you and says, Hi.
Hi.
How you doing?
Hi.
(20:46):
You good?
Smell my flower.
Huh?
He squirts them in the face.
What would you like?
What would you like?
Oh, I just want a coffee.
Black.
All right.
Come right up.
They go to make the coffee.
And they're like, oh, I just want a coffee.
Black.
All right.
Come right up.
They go to make the coffee.
And the clown is followed by a gnome in wearing sunglasses and a business suit.
(21:12):
His name is Gnomey.
Mr. Gnomey.
Gnomey?
I need a clown name, too.
What's your name?
Ooh.
What is it?
Pogo.
Pogo?
The clown.
Wait a minute.
I feel like that's taken.
Yeah, I think Pogo the Clown was a serial killer.
Uh oh.
Stinky.
Stinky?
Stinky the Clown?
(21:32):
Stinky the Clown.
Mr. Stinky.
Mr. Stinky.
What do you think of this establishment?
It's not that great.
It's real small in here.
What would you like to do with it?
Oh, let's throw pies at it.
Very good, sir.
Gnomey snaps his fingers.
And yeah, pretty much like an army of small people come in and just start making a mess.
(21:55):
They like they have their own pies.
Small.
Just fucking minions.
Yeah.
Small army of.
So what's smaller than a gnome?
Yeah, a small army of fairies come in and they start throwing pies everywhere.
Stinky the Clown also joins in and he's just pieing up the place.
How does Benji react to this?
We start throwing expresso at him.
(22:17):
Oh dang.
Oh shit, it's hot.
How dare you do that?
Do you know who this is?
Not just a clown.
This is Stinky the Clown.
My back is on fire.
He owns this whole precinct, this whole area.
My apologies, sir.
You can have whatever you want for free.
That's more like it, subservient.
(22:37):
Now we're going to need that coffee for free, Benji.
Okay, I got you.
Very good.
Takes the coffee.
Spits in it.
Tastes pretty good.
Did you put cobblin spit in this?
No, just that secret sauce.
Oh, this tastes good.
I like the secret sauce.
(22:58):
All right, Mr. Stinky, let's check out these other establishments.
See which one you'd rather you'd like to buy.
Okie dokie.
They leave and you just have pies everywhere.
You have a dark elf waitstaff who comes out and is like, what the hell happened out here?
We had a clown come in and it got crazy.
(23:21):
You let a clown in here, Benji, and you just let him throw pies everywhere?
Yeah, I was shook.
I didn't know what to do.
Benji.
His little gnome friend.
Benji, what's up?
Benji, okay, first off, someone's coming in, hey, is the spot open?
Grease up those friars.
And she says, we're closed.
And she kicks him out.
Okay, Benji, we have to talk.
(23:44):
We have to talk.
Okay, we're closed.
She flips the closed sign.
She attempts to clean off a table and some time passes as they get it all ready.
So now it's Benji and this dark elf named Suzy.
Suzy?
Yeah, Suzy the dark elf.
(24:04):
Suzy the dark elf.
Benji, what's going on?
You can talk to me.
I don't know.
Things are just bad right now.
Like, okay, listen, I know it was your dream to have a cafe in Tokyo, right?
You accomplished it.
And you got away from all those monsters.
You're not a monster anymore, despite what people say.
But now you have to be kind of a monster in business.
(24:27):
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I don't want to see people just do whatever they want.
You know, it's okay to be rude.
It's okay to be disrespectful and just, you know, just be mean to your customers, you
know, because your coffee is good, damn it.
She slams the table.
Oh, sorry, I broke the table.
Your coffee is good, Benji.
Okay, you have a good business.
So I just I don't know, I want to see you use some of that goblin fury in this business
(24:50):
and kick people out if they're bad.
Okay.
Okay, I got you.
I can do that.
Okay.
And can I take tomorrow off?
Not tomorrow, but the next day.
Okay, there we go.
That's good.
Very good.
All right.
Can I take tomorrow off the next day?
No.
(25:10):
Okay, that's good.
That's good.
That's good.
That's good, Benji.
All right.
I will see you later.
Bye.
Later.
The night ends.
So Benji goes upstairs and there's a little little hobble.
He has pretty small cute bed for a goblin.
You know, he has a picture of his idol.
(25:32):
It is the goblin chief warzak.
You know, it's just a goblin but he's got a headdress on fierce red eyes.
You admire warzak but he also was a monster and destroyed stuff but you didn't want to
do that.
You want to open a coffee shop.
So you decide to go put on some headphones and you put on an app that says, uh, uh, become
(25:59):
a monster overnight.
It's like a affirmations for the aspiring monster.
Okay.
You put it on, you listen to it and now can you give us some aspirational affirmations
and stuff that this app is suggesting?
You are good at life.
Make life your bitch.
(26:20):
You will make life your bitch and you will succeed in success and your business will
be flourishing as business.
There's some subliminal messages in there too.
It says, just like stuff to like make you make you more monster.
Yeah.
Um, well, and there's like, so he's listening to this.
(26:41):
The night unfolds, right?
And the next day, the next day happens and your eyes open and they're no longer narrow
and yellow, but they're red and they're, um, glowing almost like you're still like you,
but you feel, you somehow feel stronger and more unstoppable after hearing this.
(27:05):
Powerful.
Powerful.
You, um, go into the bathroom and brush your teeth and the toothbrush breaks just because
of how fiercely you're brushing them.
Yeah.
And you get a, you get a call.
Um, someone's calling for you downstairs.
It's a, what's the slimes name again?
Goggles.
Goggles.
Boss, I'm here.
I opened the door.
(27:26):
Business is open.
Yeah.
Like he do that again.
Yeah, no problem.
Boss, there's a customer here with a complaint.
Um, and there's a, there's a dwarf and he says, no, see here.
I want a refund, bring your manager here this instant.
How, how am I help you?
(27:47):
Oh, a goblin runs this place.
I should have known.
He gets his acts and he literally just freaking chops down on your counter.
Your nice wood counter.
He puts this hatchet into it.
Now it's just like there.
If I'd known a goblin here, I would have chopped your head off.
(28:07):
His boys laugh.
What does Benji do?
Benji grabs his ass and grabs his ass.
And smacks him in the head with it.
Nice.
So, uh, Benji, I want to say he also grabs his ass as he grabs the ax.
Just to establish the counter.
What's going on?
(28:28):
And what does he do with it?
With the ax?
Smacks him upside the head a few times.
Oh dang.
Kicks him.
Oh dang.
Throws him out the front door.
Oh damn.
Oh my God.
So just like no hatchets in the, in the cafe.
Yeah.
He just freaking throws this goblin.
The goblin, I'm not gobbling.
The dwarf is actually kind of bigger than him.
So he does all that and he's like, oh, what, what the hell was that?
(28:52):
He's kind of just all beaten up and he's just like, did you grab my ass?
I'm out of here.
He leaves.
Goggles like boss.
I can't believe it.
We ain't taking no more disrespect around here.
And Susie claps her hands.
That's what I'm talking about, boss.
All right.
(29:13):
All right.
All the other customers look around like, don't worry.
We just had a bad customer.
Everyone can get on with their business.
Mind your fucking business.
Oh, and that's our new employee.
It's a fairy named Cedric.
Cedric, you want to introduce yourself to everyone?
Hi, I'm, I'm Cedric the enter fairy tainer.
(29:39):
That's not a real thing.
You're not a real thing.
None of you are real things.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I've been seeing a therapist.
I'm going to get my rage under control.
He's working through it, guys.
Okay.
Back to business, back to, you know, all your other stuff.
Benji, can I talk to you real quick?
Yes.
We're going to back and talk.
Okay.
Benji, and then they go to the back.
(30:00):
Um, you know, it's funny.
Goggles is always sweeping and mopping, but whenever he mops, he just leaves a trail of
slime everywhere.
So nothing ever really gets cleaned.
Vicious cycle.
It just keeps coming.
Um, wow.
Benji, I don't even recognize you.
What's going on?
What happened?
Things you said to me really inspired me.
(30:21):
Can't be taking that bullshit no more.
My coffee is too damn good.
That's what I'm talking about.
Um, yeah.
So I think we, I think I saw that like boat, that clown, right?
What was his name?
Stinky?
Stinky booty.
Stinky.
Stinky booty the clown.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think he's coming back.
Why don't you, she gets like kind of real ill.
(30:42):
We see the evil glint in her eyes.
Why don't we just kick his ass when he gets here?
What do you think about that?
Say no more.
We own it.
He's like, I'm waiting.
Okay.
I'm going to keep an eye out.
I'll let you know if I see him.
Okay.
All right.
I bet.
I got to come up with a plan.
All right.
So, uh, we go on throughout the day and they're just making coffee.
This is some pretty good coffee from Goblin espresso, by the way.
(31:03):
Uh, Kimiko and Lysandra, the Templar night come back.
Hi Benji.
It's me again with Lysandra.
How you doing?
Cute ass.
Looking good.
How you doing, mom?
Oh, I'm doing good.
Uh, Lysandra is here too.
And she goes, I think she wants, I tried, I talked her back to, to coming back here and
giving her coffee another try.
(31:25):
Um, do you mind making her like an espresso?
Yeah, I could do anything for you.
It's on the house.
I doubt it would be very good from a goblin.
We'll see about that.
So he gets to it.
He's making the coffee, you know, he's putting that special sauce in.
Um, he's doing all this extra stuff.
He does little latte art.
Yeah.
Like does like hearts and shit.
Um, she's looking at the artwork on your wall and one of them is of Warzak, the goblin
(31:50):
war chief.
And she says Warzak the goblin war chief.
I killed this loser months ago.
He was a pathetic, pathetic goblin, just like the rest of his race.
Pathetic.
How does Benji react to this?
He got his ape shit on her.
Oh, please describe what she did.
What does he do?
Well, well, I'll take it back.
(32:11):
Not him.
He don't go apeshit on her.
He get, he get his home girl.
I think he get apeshit on her and his home girl just whoops her ass.
Wait, like, uh, Kimiko whoops her ass?
Yeah.
No, the, the dark elf.
The, the girl I was talking in the back with.
Oh, oh, Susie.
Okay.
Yeah.
Susie whoops her ass.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(32:32):
So, you know, she, she, she looks over to you and, um, you can tell that you're, you
want to kick, kick her ass, you know?
And so she goes ahead, you know, she used to be an archer.
So she takes out her bow and arrow and she shoots her on the side on her abdomen.
And she says, Oh, did you shoot me in a cafe?
She pulls out her sword and her shields.
It does 20 damage.
(32:53):
Thank you.
Kimiko.
I knew this place was danger.
We have to beat up these people.
Kimiko says, no, no, they're, I swear they're, they're not bad.
They're not bad people.
Why did your barista shoot me with an arrow?
You can't be disrespecting my race like that.
Okay.
But you can't disrespect me by shooting me in the, in the, in the side.
I worked really hard on this disease.
We don't stand for racism in my cafe, bitch.
(33:15):
And the person you're disrespecting, a lot of people love them.
Kimiko's like, you were kind of being a racist bitch, Lissandra.
To be honest, but goblins are bad.
Goblins are good.
You just got to treat us nice.
We'll treat you nice.
Okay.
Lissandra, let's just get out of here.
I'm so sorry, Benji.
I'm so sorry.
We're going to leave.
I'm going to talk to Lissandra.
(33:35):
Maybe she'll get woke.
I'll be back.
I'll be back for you, Benji.
The monster goblin.
And I'll kill you just like I killed your war chief.
See you later.
They leave.
Call her bitch.
Bitch?
Some of the crowd, you get a mix of people like going like, yeah, clapping at other people
(33:55):
who are leaving.
Cause they're like, this is weird.
It's too much.
I can't put in my coffee.
Susie comes over and stirs the blood into the coffee.
It'll make it taste better.
It'll make it taste better.
Trust me on it.
It's smoother.
Yeah.
Smooth finish.
We're going to take a short break and get back to this thrilling story.
Don't go anywhere.
(34:18):
Okay.
Great.
Thanks for, thanks for not leaving for a while.
We're going to leave.
We'll be back.
Bye.
Cut.
Hey, we're back and we've got another sponsor.
Let's spin our sponsor wheel.
(34:38):
Apples.
This episode is proudly sponsored by apples.
Red apples, green apples, golden apples.
Just not red delicious.
You know, apples are good for you.
I hear they also keep the doctor away.
Yeah.
Cause fuck doctors.
Fuck doctors.
Except, uh, you know, the good ones.
The good doctors are good.
Yummy.
(34:59):
Yeah.
Um, Hey, Slavey, I know you have like a personal infatuation with apples.
Can you tell us a little bit about that?
I love apples.
Love green apples.
The sour apples.
Sour.
You like the sour ones too?
Yeah.
Okay.
It's refreshing.
The crunch when I bite into it.
Ooh, that crunch.
I just love them.
(35:19):
Yeah.
Yeah.
You ever get that little pain behind your ear when you get that, that, that, that, that
pain behind your ear when you get that, that sour flavor?
Yeah.
Makes my mouth quiver.
That's a weird flavor.
Quivering mouth hole.
Wow.
I mean, I gotta be honest.
I don't think I've ever quivered eating an apple, but.
(35:40):
Never?
If it's sour, I'd be like.
Oh, if it's, if it's, if it's sour.
Yeah.
True, true.
Um, folks, what are your favorite apple dishes?
Um, you like a fritter?
Fritter's good.
I like apple pie.
I like apple pie.
Yeah.
I also fuck with them, uh, McDonald's apple pies.
Those are pretty good.
(36:01):
Those are the best thing right there.
Yeah.
God damn.
Ooh, late night snack.
Those are great.
They always are out of them, but.
Always.
Someone's going up, some fat motherfucker is going up and he's like, can I get 50 apple,
50 apple pies.
Always.
Are they, they're fritters, right?
Am I tripping?
Is that what a fritter is?
What's a fritter?
You know.
That's a good question.
I thought fritters were more like donuts.
(36:22):
Like a donut?
Yeah.
Like a dough thing.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
They're like the long ones, right?
Yeah.
The long ones.
Yeah.
It's the apple pie pocket.
Yeah.
Um, yeah.
Shout out to Apples.
Like legitimately really glad this showed up on our sponsor list.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Um, actually way back when we were coming up with this show, I was thinking, what do
(36:46):
I want to be sponsored by?
And I thought, I think Apples is one of the first ones.
Apples are great.
I know.
Oh, and just to clarify, not Apple.
Yeah.
Like the technology company.
Definitely not Apple.
Not that Apple.
Um, if we ever do get sponsored by them, we will probably be pretty explicit about that
fact that it's not the edible kind of Apples, but the technology ones.
(37:06):
We'll make sure you know.
We'll make sure you know.
I mean, you'll know if we're sponsored by Apple.
Because we won't shut up about it.
We won't shut up about it.
We'll keep talking about their technology and that vision thing that's coming out.
The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the.
That's the thing.
boats.
They tripping though.
35 hunting for that 3500.
(37:26):
Yeah.
That's a lot of Apples.
It's a lot of Apples.
Thank you.
Apples.
Thank you, apples.
Thank you.
I think I like apple cider.
That's my favorite apple thing.
Yeah, that's good stuff.
Especially good, good apple cider.
Like.
Sparkling apple cider sparklings.
Good to be each big.
Let me tell you about this.
Yeah.
Thank you.
(37:47):
Apples.
Where we last left off was Goblin Espresso,
run by the Goblin, Benji, and his staff.
He's a little bit of a pushover,
but after listening to this affirmation app,
he's kind of turned blood red rage disrespectful
to kind of everybody.
(38:08):
His hair looks nicer.
Hair looks nicer, yeah, it's gotta come over.
But he is standing up for himself,
maybe a little bit too aggressive, we're not sure yet,
but he is, you know, he's standing on business,
as they like to say.
He's standing on me.
I'm gonna punch you.
I'm gonna punch you.
But you know, we got stinky booty the clown coming back,
(38:32):
so things might get a little crazy, we'll see though.
Little saucy.
Yeah, a little saucy.
We got one more wheel we're gonna spin,
it's the topic wheel, like to throw a wrench
in our already broken stories, so let's spin it.
Spinning the topic wheel, spinning, spinning,
(38:52):
a music number.
Oh, man, I feel sorry for the sound guy.
I'm just gonna say that right now.
Yeah, whoever that is.
Whoever the sound guy is.
Whoever that sound guy.
You know, let's just,
I think we should just get this out of the way, guys.
Stinky the Clown comes in, okay?
(39:15):
What is Stinky the Clown doing as he's walking in?
He's juggling puppies.
Juggling puppies.
Yeah.
And they're going,
Arrrr, arrr, arrr, arrr.
Nomi comes in and says, hello, Benji?
Hello, mate.
I think we're going to destroy this place
just once and for all.
We have an idea for a clown shop, okay?
(39:37):
Tell him about it.
Well, I'm gonna have puppy-chuggling lessons
and high-throwing lessons and big shoe lessons.
How do you feel about that, Benji?
Yeah, how does your ass feel?
It sound good, but look,
we got the best espressos in the whole town.
From multiple years straight, the people gonna miss us.
(39:58):
Oh.
You can't take us out like that.
I apologize for being disrespectful, little.
Oh, yeah.
But let's work something out, hold on.
Yeah, you know, that's a valid point.
A quick survey, everyone.
Who here likes this cafe?
One person hesitantly raises their hand.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
(40:19):
Stinky proceeds to drop-kick that person.
No!
Damn.
Anybody else really like this cafe?
No people?
Oh, Benji, it seems no one likes your cafe.
So I think it's gonna be a puppy-juggling spot.
Let's compete for it.
Compete?
Let's compete for this spot.
You wanna battle me?
Let's battle.
(40:40):
Oh, I can't think of anything better than,
he pushes a button and some party,
like balloons pop up and confetti,
and he says, oh, rap battle!
He finds I can't look enough to clean this up.
All right, this is gonna be a rap battle
for the title of this spot, okay?
(41:01):
Whoever wins this rap battle gets to own this location.
And just for the record,
we're tearing everything down if we win, all right?
So we're gonna start with clearly the best,
Stinky the Clown.
Stinky!
Here's you a mic.
All right, I'm gonna break it down.
Psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh.
Yo, yo, yo, this is my name is Stinky,
(41:22):
and I can rap.
I'ma beat your ass, you fucking fat fat.
Hell yeah.
Psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, word.
Woo, yes!
It's just Mr. Nomi who's doing that.
Yeah, everybody loves him, that's that.
I'm fucking fresh.
I grew up in the 80s, bitch.
All right, all right.
Now it's time for Benji the Goblin.
(41:43):
Boo!
All right, I'm gonna break it down.
Psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh.
Hey, hold on, wait a minute, you stinky ass clown.
Goblin's in this bitch and we're here to tear it down.
Psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, hold on.
Psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh.
All right, I'm not gonna lie, that was pretty good.
That was pretty good, that was pretty good.
All right, so, yeah, can I get a witness?
(42:03):
Can I get some everyone?
If you like clown, sticky the clown, let me hear it.
Boo.
I don't hear anyone.
Wait, everyone left.
There's no one in there.
Oh gosh.
We're doing this for nobody.
Well, you know, I'm gonna go ahead and say
that he won by default.
Because sticky the clown is amazing, am I right?
Woo!
(42:24):
Susie comes by.
Still just you.
Susie the clown, Susie comes by with a bow and arrow.
I think not.
I think we'd rather just kill you and you'll never,
you know, we'll just own everything after we kill you.
That sound good, Benji?
Let's get it.
Kimiko comes in, she says, wait, Benji,
I thought you weren't a monster.
(42:44):
I thought you were a business owner.
Gotta stand on business.
This get tricky.
Can't you solve this some other way?
Shoo, unless he agree not to take my spot,
there ain't no other way.
She flips her head and her hair like follows, you know,
and she says, stinky the clown,
won't you find it reasonable in your heart
(43:04):
to not demolish the spot and just give it to Benji?
He deserves this spot, doesn't he?
You know what?
You might be right.
Is he still juggling puppies?
Of course he is.
Okay, he's still.
He hasn't stopped.
But I need a place to teach my underlings
how to juggle these puppies.
(43:25):
There's a group of fairies nearby.
Yeah, we wanna learn how to juggle puppies,
specifically puppies.
All right, how about we work together then?
It'd be a public juggling spot that serves espresso.
Oh my goodness, that is a great idea.
Make lots of money.
Why did I think of that?
Oh my God, Mr. Nomi takes off his glasses
(43:46):
and he wipes his tear.
I never thought Cloud the Goblin would ever get along.
I never thought it.
Group hug, everyone.
They all do a group hug.
They all do a group hug.
Suddenly, Lissandra's back with two other templars
and knights and swords and shields,
and he says, it's time to kill you monsters.
(44:08):
Wait, what's going on here?
Nice stinky booty.
Let's whip they ass.
Oh hell yeah, my G.
Let's get it on.
He pulls out a balloon animal sword.
Oh, that's sick.
Can you guys please describe
what you do to these templar knights?
Oh, it ain't pretty.
Let's start with the clown.
What's he doing?
So he got his balloon animal sword
and he cuts off the first guy's head.
(44:29):
With the balloon animal sword?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is, okay.
So he slices off this guy's head
with a balloon animal sword.
And what does he say after he does that?
Give me a second.
Yeah, yeah.
While he's thinking about it,
Suzy comes with the bow and arrow
(44:50):
and she does that slide that you see
in Lord of the Rings legless.
She shoots three bows from her,
three arrows from her bow
and it goes into the abdomen of all three of it.
It goes, oh!
They all fall down.
But Lissandra's not having it.
She takes the shield and she crashes.
She breaks the arrow off with her shield.
And then she goes charging in for Suzy
(45:11):
and she literally does a shield tackle.
She falls into the wall and bounces off of it.
She's kind of down
because that was a really hard charge hit.
The slime goggles, he goes very, he's like, ah!
But he's like moving really, really slow.
Yeah, slimes are slow.
One of the Templar Knights just has like a holy grenade
and he throws it.
(45:33):
Into the slime?
Into the slime and it doesn't do anything.
Nothing.
He just absorbs it and it melts.
If it would have went off, then he would have died.
But he said he's just, oh!
One of the dudes steps on the slime trail
and he slides into him and he gets stuck
and he's like, oh, shit, help, hey, guys, guys, help!
Hey, hey, you guys!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
(45:56):
Yep, and his skin dissolves into a skeleton instantly
because he's very ascetic.
And the slime is like, what the fuck was that?
Did you guys hear that?
What's Benji doing?
Lissandra's coming for, after she knocks down Suzy,
she goes for Benji.
What's he doing?
Benji, there's a chandelier over the table.
It's Benji swinging from chandelier
(46:17):
and then Benji does a backflip, sparring kicks.
Oh, snap!
One of the people starts getting it on.
Damn!
You think you're so cool, huh?
Yeah.
What do you think about this?
She pulls out the headdress of Warzak, the goblin chief,
and she puts it on herself.
Damn!
(46:37):
Your war chief was nothing.
I'm gonna kill him just like I killed you.
Or kill, oh my God, what did you put in that coffee?
Ugh!
I'm gonna kill you like I killed him.
This bitch is asking for it.
She tried me, what?
So he gets even more red.
So red that his skin goes from green
(46:57):
to like a tinge of orange slash red.
And I think he's got a special attack coming up.
Can you describe what this special attack is?
There's a gas can in the back
where all the cleaning supplies are at.
Benji runs around the corner, grabs a gas can,
and then double backs around,
throws the gas on her, and lights her on fire.
(47:19):
Oh snap!
Oh my God!
That's a special move, all right.
She goes, ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Kimiko's like,
Lysandre, stop dropping, roll, stop dropping, roll!
Shut up, bitch, shut up, bitch!
So she's like on fire,
and Kimiko gets a bucket of water
and splashes it on her, on Lysandre,
and she's taking a lot of damage,
(47:41):
and she's like breathing heavy.
30 damage.
Ah, you son of a bitch!
She gets up, and she's about to charge for Benji again,
but suddenly, Slice or whatever that sounds like,
balloon animal sword cuts her in half,
her sword, no, cuts her head in half or something.
No, just cuts the head off.
(48:02):
Balloon animal sword.
No, no, no, no.
He cuts her in half.
Cuts her head in half.
Cuts her.
He cuts her from the top of her head
to the bottom of her neck.
Damn.
And what does Stinky say after he does that?
He says, see?
I pump, I pump this, I don't know.
(48:26):
Suzy says, that was really cool.
She falls unconscious.
Eat balloon!
What does Benji do after seeing all this?
Benji looks over at Stinky Booty and is like,
I appreciate you, brother.
I appreciate you!
And then he looks at Suzy and is like,
why are you sleeping on the job?
(48:49):
I think I've got some internal bleeding, boss.
Maybe we can make things less chaotic here,
tone down the disrespect a little bit, boss, please.
Oh yeah, I think we can do that.
New year, new us.
He powers down, he goes from orange to green again.
(49:10):
So now what?
We closed?
Are we still in business?
We still in business, but let's get you to a doctor.
Okay.
Ballroom ball, fuck, so terrible.
Goggles absorbs her, doesn't dissolve her,
but takes her to the next spot.
Kimiko approaches Benji.
(49:31):
Wow, I thought I'd be more sad to see my friend,
Lysandra, die like that, but she was kind of a bitch.
She was really racist, Benji.
I don't know why I was hanging out with her.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
She was so racist to you.
I didn't know she was gonna come attack you like that.
Yeah, she was a bitch.
(49:52):
Don't blame yourself, though.
I don't know if this is weird,
with all this blood and chaos that just happened,
but can I get a caramel macchiato to go?
Iced, maybe?
I got you.
I'll put some extra secret sauce in there for you.
We pan out.
What's in your secret sauce, Benji?
The world may never know.
(50:12):
We hear that cafe music as we zoom in out.
He writes his number on the cup.
And we just zoom out slowly, slowly, slowly.
Go up into the air.
And that's it!
We did it, guys.
We fucking made it.
We did it.
We did it.
We did it.
We did it.
This wasn't necessarily on the streets of Tokyo, but...
(50:35):
The cafe was.
The cafe was.
I'm used to you,
because all that stuff that was going on,
that sounded like Tokyo to me, I don't know.
Yeah.
What do you think Benji learned from all this?
In order to be in business,
you gotta stand on business.
By the same time, you gotta know your limits.
To win standing on business,
can't let it get too hectic.
(50:57):
Can't let it get too hectic.
Absolutely.
Suave, you funny, man.
Suave, I wanna thank you so much for coming in.
Do you have any plugs for us?
Any places you want people to check out online?
So you can check out my Instagram.
I got the link with my latest song out
with my boy, Matty Darko.
Know I ain't tough.
(51:18):
Oh yeah, my Instagram is TBC underscore two Suave.
Gotcha.
And thank you guys for having me here.
Absolutely. Thanks for coming.
Thanks for coming.
Nuckity, where can people find your stuff?
My stuff?
You guys wanna find my stuff?
Yeah.
That is so sweet.
Tell me!
Oh yeah, I'm at NUQADY on everything.
(51:40):
If you wanna hit me up and get some beats
and or studio time, I can handle that.
If you wanna make a podcast or whatever,
I got a little podcast studio in the Tacoma, Seattle area.
Yeah, you know, hit me on up.
If you wanna show some support to the show,
go ahead and follow us on everything
at DNGPOD on everything.
(52:01):
And you can email us at definitelynotgoodpodcasts
at gmail.com.
If you got like any drawings you wanna send into us
and maybe we'll post it up on our social media
and tag you in that bitch.
And then, you know, a little bit of this,
little bit of that, and then you got a steak.
Yeah.
Birthday cake.
Hell yeah.
(52:21):
Hell yeah.
Do you have anything you wanna say
to the people as stinky booty the clown?
Don't, don't, don't, don't bring a girl around me.
True, true player for real.
Oh damn.
Play's gonna play.
Play's gonna play, standing on business.
My God.
Stand on business.
(52:42):
Hey, thank you so much for listening.
Please give us five stars on whatever platform
you're listening to.
Motherfucker.
We're gonna continue making these horrible episodes,
whether you like it or not.
But we also appreciate you listening.
So stick around with us and have yourself a good day.
Bye.
You're not good.
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