54 - Fairly Bad Parents 🦄 ( feat. KK ) - Definitely Not Good

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What up, you dingus?

(00:02):
Now, let me take that again.
I don't feel the energy on that one.
Yeah, that wasn't a good dingus, man.
That wasn't a dingus.
Should I say dingus?
Are we still okay with dingus?
I love dingus.
That's your catchphrase at this point.
I was thinking dingobop, but you know.
What up, you dingobop?
Dingobop.
This is definitely not good.
The podcast where we create stories
and they're definitely, probably not good.

(00:22):
I'm your host, CJ,
and I'm joined by my producer, Nuckity.
Holla!
Hey, we have a very special guest today.
We've got KK!
Yo, what's up?
KK!
Dude, thank you for being here.
I don't know what this is, but it's definitely not good.
Oh, my bad.
You know, usually there's like a cool theme song

(00:42):
that starts right after I say that, but you know.
Silence is cool, too.
Usually.
Silence is also kind of nice.
Yeah, he got distracted.
He was looking at something on his phone.
You ever like be out in nature?
Don't worry about what I was looking at, okay?
You ever be out in nature?
No, no, no, it's definitely a worry now
because it's like you're really holding onto that phone.
Mm-hmm.
Don't look at it.
Stop looking.

(01:23):
If this is your first time listening,
this is pretty much how everything works.
We are amazing storytellers.
Amazing.
And it's our job, our sacred duty,
to come up with a story completely from scratch
with a little twist.
We have a series of wheels we're gonna spin,
each of them random,
and depending on where they spin and land at,
we gotta pretty much incorporate it somehow into our story.

(01:45):
And we'll try our best.
We'll do our best.
We always try our best.
You know.
Yeah.
We be trying. I'm in for this.
This is cool.
And today we have KK.
How you doing today, KK?
I am good, good, CJ.
I'm good, man.
How you guys doing?
We're doing pretty good.
I think we're chilling.
I could be better.
It's okay though.
Yeah, you've been harassing me about coming here.
Finally I'm here now.
So, you know, shit, this is gonna be fun.

(02:07):
Maybe now you're doing better that he's here, right?
Is that the idea?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just making his life better.
Yeah, so we don't have a sponsor,
but we do have a wheel to spin
to choose a sponsor for us today.
So let's spin that sponsor wheel.
If you insist.
Oh wait, I'm sorry.

(02:27):
Rewind.
You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you.
This'll be editing magic, right?
You'll add like a cassette noise and a rewind.
No, I'm not gonna fix this.
You really not gonna try to really put some sauce to it, bro?
No, I'm gonna let this go.
God damn it.
Bastard.
Nuckety likes to start with a little warmup,
a little humdinger for our guest.
So I'm gonna let him take the wheel.

(02:48):
Okay.
Hey, KK.
Yeah. What's up?
What's up?
How you feeling, man?
I'm good.
You're good?
A little hungry.
You're hungry?
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, do me a favor.
What's up?
To the best of your ability.
And your best Mike Tyson.
Go ahead and spell senselessnesses.

(03:11):
What?
Senselessnesses.
Senselessnessnessness.
Senselessnesses.
Like multiple senselessness.
So you want me to sound like Mike Tyson doing that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Best of your ability.
Okay, let's see if I can do this.
S-
E-N-C-
C-
Oh, fuck, hold on.
Let me see if I can get this right.

(03:32):
S-
E-
Fuck.
I keep thinking about that ear I ate back then
against Holy Phyllis.
Pregnable.
Understandable.
You're doing great.
Hard to forget that taste, you know?
It was really funny.
It was really, really, really bloody.

(03:53):
S-
C-
No, S-E-N-S-E-L?
No, L.
I think it's L.
Is it L?
Okay.
E-S-S?
Uh-huh, okay.
Did that work?
Did that work?
Almost.
Oh, I got another.

(04:14):
Okay.
Okay.
Fuck, that is a weird word.
It's a lot of S's, man.
Come on, Mike.
Mike's trying to spell Sashomaru.
Fuck, I gotta start over, right?
Fuck, you're saying it.
Mike, take as long as you need.
We're not gonna pressure you, you know?
Okay, so it's S-E-N-S-E-L-E-

(04:39):
S-S-L-E-S-L.
Hey, give it up for KK, everybody!
Congratulations, Mike Tyson.
Way to go, buddy.
Bro, I'm so proud.
That was fantastic.
That was fun.
Man, I feel like, okay, usually I do like to kinda get
started with the show and talk, but I feel like so much

(05:02):
has happened that I kinda have to talk about it
a little bit or just catch up.
Yeah, last one.
Just like, freakin' Kamala Harris, fuckin' coconut trees,
fuckin' Robert Downey Jr. as Dr. Doom.
Fuck.
Fuckin'.
I think that part broke the internet.

(05:22):
Yeah.
I think the nerd community is moist right now.
That's a good way to put it.
Very moist.
I opened Facebook this morning and that was it.
This is, da da da da da.
Yeah.
What do you say, what do you say?
That was a great distraction
because I'm tired of politics right now.
Me too, me too.
For real, for real.
100%.
And we're gonna continue being tired of it

(05:43):
for the next four and a half years.
We are.
Robert Downey Jr. as Dr. Doom.
I wanna weigh in on this
because I feel like everyone else is right now.
My take is Robert Downey Jr. is a great actor.
I think he killed it as Iron Man
and he's probably gonna kill it as Dr. Doom.

(06:04):
He was perfect for Iron Man.
Yeah, he was, he was perfect.
But I don't think he's gonna save a bad movie.
Like, I think it's like kinda desperate
that they're getting him to play Dr. Doom
when there's like so many,
I feel like there's a lot of choices.
Yeah, he's a cash cow for Marvel right now.
For sure.
They definitely could have went with a new guy.
If it's not Robert, it's Hugh.
It's Hugh Jackman, it was like a cash cow.

(06:25):
I was like looking at it, right?
I was looking at actors,
like who would I cast as Dr. Doom?
And like, I know Joaquin Phoenix is the Joker,
but like that dude as the Dr. Doom, he would've,
what do you think about that, Nuckedy?
As Joker?
As Dr. Doom, Joaquin Phoenix.
Joaquin Phoenix as Dr. Doom?
Oh.
I mean, that's a separate universe from Joaquin,

(06:46):
so I guess on paper that's fine.
I feel like that'd be pretty good.
He's a good actor as well.
Who would you have as Dr. Doom?
Dr. Doom.
I feel like a new, somebody, you know?
Somebody just come out of left field.
Not Timothee Chalamet, anybody else?
So like, yeah.
I was thinking William DeFoe,
because how he did the goblin,

(07:08):
that's like a split personality there,
so how he perfected that,
I think Doom would've been perfect,
because now you're one.
But like you said,
it has to be someone from out of left field.
The new Fantastic Four is coming out,
and they're starting to cast people for it.
They have Pedro Pescal as Mr. Fantastic.
That makes sense.

(07:28):
Yeah.
I mean, I see.
In a comedic sense.
In a comedic sense.
See, again, Pedro Pescal's great.
They just give him whatever now.
Right.
It's like, hey Pedro!
I mean, look at the draw, here you go.
Oh, you are torched, cool.
I would've preferred Pedro Pescal as Dr. Doom.
Yeah, I would've liked that.
I think that would've been it.

(07:50):
Like, I don't know if y'all saw the Dr. Strange
multiverse one that came out,
but John Krasinski was Mr. Fantastic in that,
and I felt like that fit super well.
I really thought that was our opener there,
like okay, we got one now,
so we need three more.
Yeah.
I like him in that spot too.
But they're gonna change that, of course.
That's weird, why would you do that?
That's some weird decisions.

(08:11):
It's normal, man.
Wow casting rules right now.
So he can sit a little bit and then let go,
and be like, hey, we gotta go to work, sorry.
It's not that, I feel like it's more,
at this point, it's just more about money for them,
so they're not trying to make a true vision no more.
I mean, I feel like also Robert
probably got paid so much money to say yes to that.
Yeah, it also kind of bums me out
that everybody knows about this,

(08:33):
because knowing about this is a spoiler for Endgame.
Yeah, well of course, like they need people
to go buy movie tickets and go see it, so.
But you just fucked up the whole end of the last movie.
But the streaming game can make money too.
All it takes is just dropping on Disney Plus,
and hey, $34 plus tax.

(08:54):
Yeah, for real, for real.
Well, we're not sponsored by anyone today,
but we do have a wheel to spin to choose a sponsor.
So let's spin that sponsor wheel.
Okie dokie, spin!
Spin!
Spin!
Spin!
Spin!
Spin!
Spin!
Spin!
Today's episode is brought to you by Accidental Naps.

(09:15):
Ah, this episode is proudly sponsored by Accidental Naps.
Hey KK, you ever just like laying on the couch
and like you're just chilling and you got things to do,
but then you just.
And then you wake up.
You just wake up and it's been a minute.
And it's nighttime now.
Did that ever happen to you?
Last night.
Hell yeah.
Yeah, it was watching the Olympics,
sitting there and I just, yeah, I got a little drunk.

(09:37):
You know, I was up there and then I just dozed off
with a blunt in my hand and I snapped out of it like,
oh shit, I almost burnt the couch.
Dang.
Missed out on the judo match.
Oh man.
So I was, yeah, I was kind of upset.
So I stayed up till like two to watch the wrestling Olympics.
That was a bad move.
Oh.
I tell anyone, if you have the strength to stay up

(09:58):
for that long to watch the Olympics, God bless you.
God bless you.
Dude, yeah, he was so slated.
Because I was hurting.
Dedicated to it.
My eyes was hurting.
Damn.
I'm actually impressed you made it here today after that.
That was last night.
That's easy.
Well, the way I was hounding him, I don't think it was easy.
But you know, I'm a huge sports fan,
so I had to at least watch a good day's worth.

(10:18):
But I ended up going through the night, so that's cool.
Yeah.
That worked out.
Do you like when you fall asleep on accident?
Hell no.
No.
I hate that.
How come?
Because I have some plan, all right?
And I got like an hour or so left, you know?
And my big ass is looking at the TV and,
ugh, the drool on my shirt and I gotta change clothes now

(10:39):
because I got a drool spot that's not gonna come off
anytime soon.
It's gonna turn white when it dries up.
Yeah, yeah.
Very suspect.
Yeah, yeah.
I think naps are-
What you been doing?
Accidental naps are only good when you don't have
anything else going on.
Or like, because like, my thing is when I take
an accidental nap and I wake up, I'm usually in panic mode
because I'm thinking, like, I have to like,

(11:00):
I don't know if you guys go through this,
but my brain has to process things.
Like, okay, am I late on a homework assignment?
I'm not in school anymore.
So that's not- Yeah, that's old school.
What day is it?
I don't know.
I need to up and arm.
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Where the hell are my kids?
Nuckedy, when's the last time you took a nap?
Oh, 14 years ago.

(11:21):
Oh, damn.
Or like, how Kevin Horsey?
Damn.
I think this is one sponsor that Nuckedy
really needs right here.
So if you would like to donate a nap to Nuckedy,
please check us out at linktree.com slash DNGPOD.
Buy yourself a hat or a shirt.

(11:42):
Yeah.
And it will directly contribute
to the Nuckedy Sleep Foundation.
That's not a real thing, but it'll help them sleep.
I don't know.
It sounds good.
I'll go with it.
I'm here for it.
For sure.
Well, thank you, Accidental Naps.
Thank you, Accidental Naps.
God, you're so sleepy.
I'm sleeping now.
I'm always sleepy.
Damn.
The last thing you wanna do
is accidentally take a nap at work.

(12:03):
Oh boy.
That hasn't happened, I'm very grateful for that,
but there was times.
Yeah, you know one time,
a couple of times that's happened to me
while in the studio, I'm recording somebody in there
like doing a long take and I start to doze
and I'm like, huh, huh.
Ooh.
That'd be bad, man.
You know, you okay, huh, huh?

(12:23):
That's something I haven't experienced
and I'm glad it's like a in and out thing
when I don't even do anything in the studio.
You should put a secondary mic for yourself
and record yourself sleeping during the track.
That might be some ways to it.
That'd be a great interlude to the track.
Hell yeah, stuff.
KK, what's like your creative vice?

(12:44):
Like what is your creative outlet?
Oh man, creative outlet.
Yeah, you be drawing and shit.
Yeah, I grew up in that 80s era
where hip hop and graffiti.
So that was the start
and then I just started getting into the poetry
and then got into the rap.
It was pretty fun, man.
And now I'm reverting back now

(13:05):
to just getting back into graffiti.
Okay.
I would love to go outside and do it in public
but I'm too big to run from the police
so I'll just stick with paper and canvas, man.
Ever since you burned up your mama's kitchen
and all that shit.
If you could choose one to like make your inner child happy
and you can only do this for one thing creative wise,

(13:27):
what would it be?
Ooh, my inner child.
Little KK.
Little KK?
Oh man, like he loves to animate art.
If I was to really stick to that,
inner child would have been like,
dude, you gotta draw Goku every day for me, please.
Dang.
Dang, bro, got you.
But just that air of hip hop, man,

(13:49):
and just seeing how they do the blocking, the shadowing
and then just the tricolor stuff letters,
I'm like, it just pulled me in and I just stuck with it.
It's gorgeous.
Animating is like an arduous path.
And I also really enjoy that,
but it's like drawing is, man, it's tough.
It is very time consuming,
especially if you're ready for it,

(14:11):
but your mind is telling you,
dude, don't even draw that circle like that.
Do it over.
And you're drawing like 10 different circles.
Okay, it's just like with an artist in music,
you really get writer's block.
And I'm blocked and I'm like, you know what?
Just put it down and leave it alone.
Watch TV.
Oh, that's a beautiful color.
Oh, got an idea, here we go.

(14:31):
There we go.
Inspiration.
So it takes a little time to,
it's not just at random where I could just be like,
okay, let me go ahead and start drawing.
No, it takes a little bit
because I have to really get that mindset of focusing on
getting colors right and getting the angles and patterns.
Yeah.
All that.
All that.
I think I've kind of discovered my zen mode

(14:53):
is like boring ass lectures for drawing.
You know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
Like doodling during class or just like, yeah.
Oh yeah.
Like if I'm gonna actually-
Drawing that one ass.
Yeah, yeah.
To see.
I'm actually about to try that
is let's put on some boring shit.
That's a good idea, man.
Yeah.
Productivity.
I think that's probably gonna do it for me.
I don't, well, I don't consider this part boring to me

(15:14):
is when I play like low five beats.
And that's where I'm like, okay,
it's calming me down to get focused
on drawing that first letter.
Cause that first letter is gonna be your base
all the way through the picture.
Unless you're, you know, real nasty with the graffiti,
you can just wild style and just have stupid angles, man.
Which I can never get that part.
Yeah.

(15:34):
Man, the perspectives.
Shout out to the graffiti artists doing the wild style.
Cause that is very-
That shit is crazy.
Very abstract.
Do you have your own font
and do you have it digitized somewhere?
Like what is it that sound?
It's not a, it's a called like a typeface?
Or I don't know what the-
I think it's called a font.
Yeah, a font.
I think you had it.

(15:54):
I do have a font, but it's not digitized.
It's more like real thick blocky,
but it's more, it's, you know, you can read it.
Okay.
So, cause I try to do the difficult ones,
but I'm like, man, I like to know what I'm drawing.
So, whoever name I'm drawing,
I hope they understand what they're seeing too.
Cause if I was to draw his name,
he'll probably think it's, okay, it's Nuck.

(16:16):
But G, if you have to really look, you're like, okay,
you gotta write your name right on top of that right there.
So we know what it is.
Sometimes I get a little funky with colors
and like try to get it like 3D.
I have to stick to my font
cause I want people to read what they see.
For sure.
Well, why don't we get started with this terrible podcast?
Okay.
All right.
Should I hit record or?

(16:37):
Oh, this was a warm up?
All right, all right, so let's go to fluff first.
I would just freaking fall asleep right now.
Accidental nap.
Accidental nap, thank you.
The first wheel we're gonna spin is called the genre wheel
to decide what kind of thing we're making.
So, let's spin that genre wheel.
You got it, it's mine!
Ah!

(16:57):
God, I'm spinning!
Ah, it's so fast!
College.
All right, we're taking place in college.
Or, I mean, that's just college?
Yeah, it's a college flick.
All right.
College movies.
Like Animal House.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, one of those.
I take fan well, we're like cow high.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
You got him right.
I was trying to think of what are college movies

(17:18):
and like, what's the one with the one where he's like,
ask me about my wiener!
Accepted.
Accepted, that's right.
Accepted.
You know, How High is like the best movie
with the worst name, cause we're not in high school, man.
Yeah.
Why did you name it How High?
This should have been Howell College.

(17:38):
That was a great movie, man.
For Stoners, yeah, that was something to go by, man.
I'm a ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost.
10 times over, that was great.
Classic, yeah, yeah.
We got to see our boys just doing the thing on the wall.
Good stuff.
Classic.
Good stuff.
Our next wheel is our settings.
Settings.
So I guess we're not taking place in college.

(18:01):
Well, we can be, but where is,
where are we actually taking place?
Where?
Where are we?
Where are we?
Spinning!
Spinning!
Spinning!
Spinning!
Spinning!
Spinning!
Vegas!
Okay.
Fuck.
Fuck.
It's a college for gambling?
Yeah!

(18:21):
Vegas, baby!
You gotta say baby at the end.
Vegas, baby!
Vegas, baby!
Interesting, interesting.
Do you play video games, KK?
Yes.
Do you play, are you familiar with gotcha games?
Nah, nah, nah, not really.
I'm more into like the fighting
and then like sometimes the RPG games.

(18:42):
Okay, yeah, me too.
Like the Street Fighter and yeah.
I'm still getting used to it.
I'm still getting used to Street Fighter
and getting my ass kicked online.
Same.
Same.
To get online games.
Street Fighter 6.
Fuck you, man.
It's the worst when like they like do it fast too.
Like.
And they joke you to the wall and just,
and they tea bag you.

(19:02):
I hate that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well they have to embarrass you.
True.
What are they gonna not embarrass you?
Gotta get your rank up, you know?
Yeah.
Little nigga.
All right, we're in Vegas, college.
Our next wheel is character job.
Giving your job.
It's the job of the character.
My character.
Oh shit, they're a fairy godparent.

(19:26):
What the fuck?
Okay, that's gonna be great.
That's gonna.
Oh, creativity at max.
I had a totally different.
You're getting something?
Cause I'm on the other spectrum.
I'm like what the fuck are we gonna do with that?
This is our Olympics.
Oh boy.
Yeah, this is truly an improv Olympics right here.
So get ready to exercise your brains, boys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(19:46):
Okay.
In college, in Vegas.
Sure, our next wheel is our character flaw.
Something's wrong with this fairy godparent.
Carbocatah.
Let's spin that wheel.
Bleh!
Bleh!
Bleh!
Bleh!
Bleh!
Bleh!
Bleh!
Bleh!
Bleh!
Bleh!

(20:07):
They have bad breath.
You totally put that in, man.
Bad breath.
Bad breath.
Oh my gosh.
It's gonna be great.
Man, I'm so glad you're here.
I need that positivity for this sometimes.
Cause I'm just like, fuck this show, man.
What are we doing?
Thanks for listening, by the way.
Our next, our second to last wheel is our antagonist.

(20:30):
Correct.
So the main bad person, who is it?
Bad guy.
Bad guy.
Bad guy.
Bad guy.
Bad guy.
Bad guy.
Bad guy.
Bad guy.
Bad guy.
Bad guy.
Bad guy.
Bad guy.
Who's that?
Who?
A sleep paralysis demon.
Okay.

(20:51):
Yeah.
All right, so this is Sinister,
Atom House.
Yeah.
Vegas, all in one.
Yeah.
This is gonna be the greatest movie of all time.
So to recap, to recap, we have a college movie, we'll say.
College movie, taking place in Vegas.
Main character's a fairy godparent with bad breath.
Oh yeah.
Sting mouth.
Our antagonist is a sleep paralysis demon.

(21:13):
Correct.
That is what is happening now, today.
KK, would you mind playing our fairy godparent today?
Oh, this is gonna be great.
Yeah.
This is gonna be great.
This is gonna be great.
I'm gonna sound just like a teacher with bad breath.
This is called,
Let's do it.
Middle school banker.
Let's do it.
So we're gonna start actually

(21:34):
at the Fairy Godparent Academy for Fairies.
Oh shit.
You know, just clouds everywhere.
It's beautiful, sparkling pixies and fairies
floating everywhere.
You know, business suits.
What's your character's name, KK?

(21:55):
What would be a good name for him?
I was gonna say Molly,
but I think that's more of a girl's name.
Molly, a guy named Molly?
Maybe.
A guy named Molly, that's.
Or Maurice.
You know what, I'll run with that.
I'll run with Molly.
Molly?
Molly.
Hey Molly, get in here.
This is the chief of fairies.

(22:16):
And it's his office.
And he's, you know, Molly's kind of at his work desk
at a cubicle, you know, typing away.
Got a business suit on.
And he just got called into the boss's office.
Molly, where are you at?
Oh, hey, hey.
Right here, sir.
Close the door behind you, all right?
All right, all right.
So, so what's up?

(22:37):
Well, I'd like you to meet your new partner.
This here is Duraag.
Hello, Duraag.
My name's Molly Glitterfist.
Damn, you and your visuals.
Molly Glitterfist, did you just?
Yeah.
Mr. Glitterfist, meet Mr. Rag.

(22:57):
How you doing, Mr. Rag?
Duncan, please, Duncan Rag.
Nice to meet you.
Molly, was it?
Yes.
Molly, like the drug?
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, the drug.
Easy to remember.
No problems.
Now, Duncan Rag, I like to call him Duraag.
Duraag has been in the field for about 10 years.
You know, he's helped many college students,

(23:17):
many, many little kids, you know,
fulfill their dreams and aspirations.
And I kind of noticed, Molly,
that you've been lacking in your performance.
Oh, well, I've really been having any assignments,
so I just been in my cubicle.
What do you expect me to do, sir?
Look, I'm just gonna be honest with you.
It's your breath.
You never wondered why you're the only one

(23:40):
who has a cubicle in the whole school?
So I have a, okay, so my story behind that.
Uh-huh, yeah.
I'm gonna try to cover my mouth here
so everybody can appreciate that.
I don't know what I'm saying.
Yeah, yeah.
So, in middle school, I was dared
before I became a fairy godfather,
and I was dared into eating.

(24:02):
Mm, mm.
This is kind of embarrassing.
Come on, spit it out.
All right, all right.
I was, I was dared to eat unicorn feces.
Oh, unicorn feces.
But that's like the stankiest thing on the planet.
Yeah.
God damn it.
If I, you know, if I would've,
if you would've put down your job application,
you wouldn't have gotten hired, okay?

(24:23):
You would've joined the devils.
Who you got me working with, man?
This is why, okay, this is why I'm pairing you guys,
you know, do rags, got a lot of experience.
Molly, you gotta work on that bad breath,
and also, you know, it's gonna help
to bring a college student's life to,
you know, dreams come to life.
Well, sir, I've been trying for about 25 years now,
and it's not worked.

(24:44):
I tried using the earth version of Listerine
with gasoline inside.
It just didn't work out, so.
Yeah, Listerine don't do shit.
You're gonna have to, you know what I'm saying?
My, I was looking through the fairy manual,
and the reason, one of the reasons
that your bad breath has prolonged so long,
the unicorn poop makes sense,
but you gotta actually make your host happy, you know?

(25:09):
And you haven't been, so that's where a do rag comes in.
He's gonna show you the ropes, and here's your assignment.
He puts a paper on the table, slams it even,
pixie dust floats up as he slams it,
and the pixie dust forms into,
the pixie dust forms into the face of Melissa,
a college student.
This here is Melissa.

(25:29):
She's a college student, Vegas Academy.
She's learning how to be a gambler.
Sorry, not a gambler.
Who's, what is it called, the person who makes people gamble?
A dealer?
Yeah, yeah, okay.
I'm sorry, I haven't had my pixie coffee.
Yeah, she's learning to be a dealer,

(25:50):
but her problem is she wants to be an artist,
and she sucks at drawing, so.
You guys are gonna, it's not in my department
to figure that out, so I'm gonna leave it to you guys.
Any questions?
Sounds simple enough.
So is there something I would need to cover this up
when I'm talking to Melissa?
No, no, no, no.

(26:13):
But you're just gonna have to, you know.
Son of a gun.
You're gonna have to just watch that bad breath, you know?
Really gonna have to whisper.
Maybe try some stuff.
Try some.
Watch it, councilman.
Don't do Listerine.
Listerine's, can I whisper?
Can I just whisper?
I think that might make it worse.
That might make it worse.
More concentrated bad breath, actually,
if you do it that way.
Wait, do you see my spit?

(26:34):
All right, bye guys.
He stamps the paperwork,
and then you guys like poof in the pixie dust.
And you are now cut to, we're in Vegas.
You know, you're at the-
Vegas, baby!
You're at the campus, Vegas, baby!
You're at the campus of Gambling Academy,
and Melissa is out in the courtyard.

(26:55):
She's like, has her book bag, and she's setting it down.
She's trying to draw something.
You guys are observing her, by the way.
Oh, look, there she is.
Oh, ma'am, hi, Melissa.
Whoa, whoa, you can't just talk to her, man.
Sorry, sorry, I was just in the tree.
People are looking.
She's drawing, she's having fun.
You gotta poof over her shoulder

(27:15):
so only she can see us.
Suddenly a group of bullies come by to her.
Hey, what's up, Melissa?
Oh, I don't like these guys here,
and these guys seem like trouble.
What do you want, Rudy?
You trying to draw again?
That drawing sucks!
He high fives one of his friends.
Ha ha, right on, Matthew.
My name's Rudy.
Rudy.

(27:36):
Yeah, what the fuck?
Anyways, you're drawing sucks, Melissa.
You're drawing sucks, you're at Gambling Academy.
What do you think you're gonna be,
like, an artist or something?
Paint in your armpit.
Hey, guys, guys, cheers.
Whoa, what the fuck?
What the fuck?
Is that a giant, wait, is that a dude with a wing?
Hey, hey, don't worry about the wings.
You know, you guys, you're messing with Melissa here.

(27:56):
Can you guys leave her alone, please?
Suddenly the bad breath kind of, like, circulates.
What is that?
Oh, God.
Okay, yeah, yeah, we'll leave.
We're out of here.
The other dude throws up.
All right.
Bye.
Bye.
Melissa turns to you.
I don't know what happened, but thank you.
Who are you?
Winged man.

(28:16):
Real wings?
My name's Molly.
Molly?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
What are you, are you a student here?
I'm a, I'm your fairy godparent.
What?
And I'm here to, sorry,
I am here to help you guide you through your journey

(28:38):
to be at the top.
Who's that, who's that weird guy with the wing
standing in the back that's just watching us?
Don't worry about me, I'm just observing.
That's Mr. Durek.
But you don't have to worry about me, I mean him.
So, but so the idea is to help you
and to make sure that we keep you away from danger

(28:59):
as you're going through your journey to success.
Oh, I have like no money, so I can't really pay you for that.
But I really appreciate it.
Oh, I'm late for class.
I gotta go.
But thank you again.
Bye.
Bye, Durek.
Have a good day.
So now it's just you two alone
and all the students are back in,
or in the college classes.

(29:19):
Bro, you forgot to tell her about the,
the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
what's that thing called?
What?
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
what's that thing called?
Will they help you pay for college?
Are you talking about tuition, sir?
No, no, no, no, no, no, with the, the, the, the, the, the, the.
Oh, you're speaking, you're saying,

(29:40):
trying to say scholarship?
Yeah, you forgot to tell her about the scholarship, man.
Uh, I mean, I, I felt that if I talked too much,
it was gonna curl her nose up and rip her face.
Well, she's gonna have to get used to that
if she wants to have a good fairy godparent.
But I have bad breath, sir.
Look, man, sometimes you gotta just lean in
and do the, the work, you know?

(30:01):
And then, and then, uh, what's that, what's that,
what's that called?
Uh, uh, you know, that's, that stuff with the,
ah, ah, god, what's that stuff?
I'm really trying to follow you, sir,
but so you want, for example,
you want me to just lean into it like this?
Yeah, well, I mean, you know,
I mean, I meant that more metaphorically,
not physically, but, oh, okay, mm, mm, okay, mm, yeah.

(30:25):
So, mm, uh, mm, mm, uh, sorry, I just, I just need a second.
Uh, uh, uh, okay, um, you gotta, uh,
I forgot what I was talking about, what do I?
I forgot.

(30:46):
All right, cut to, cut to, um, Melissa's in class
and, um, the teacher's talking.
Now, if you wanna be a good dealer, everyone,
turn to page 82.
This is about tricking people, okay?
You need to give the impression that they're going to win,

(31:07):
but they never win, they never win.
They never ever win.
You can't make the turn, we're in Vegas, baby.
Vegas, baby.
You can't win, never let them win.
You're taking notes, never let them win.
So, do I, do I jump in right here on her shoulder
and let her know about this girl?
Oh, no, she has to pay attention to class, man.
Where you going, where you going?
I said no, I said no, what you, dude.

(31:28):
Melissa is, uh, is just drawing, like doodling.
Oh, I see you're drawing that, uh, hey, I'm going.
Oh, fuck, oh shit, what the?
Shh, shh, shh, quiet, quiet, quiet.
He puts his hand on her mouth.
The teacher is like, oh yes, you in the back,
you had something to say.
No, no, no, I just, I was, it's just really, uh, sorry,

(31:50):
sorry, anyways, gambling is really great, guys.
He just goes on and on.
What the fuck, what the fuck, how,
are you that guy from earlier, why are you small?
Well, I, and like I said, outside of your very godparent,
I can go to your size or I can go the size of a penis.
Holy shit, I don't think, am I hallucinating right now?
I need to, I need to get up, I need to get up.

(32:14):
I don't think you should do that right now.
Oh, fuck.
You might as well sit here and draw
and just pay attention to the teacher right now.
I'm scared, I'm scared, and something smells horrible too.
I don't know what the fuck is going on.
It's okay, don't be scared, it's your first day,
jitters, it always happens to students, it's okay, just relax.
The breath is just as bad, no matter what size he is.

(32:36):
Do you think, okay, do you think
you can maybe talk away from me?
Like I can hear you and I understand
you're like a fairy godparent,
but can you like not talk towards me?
He's like, no, I have to look at you or you can't hear me.
It's part of being a fairy, I don't make the rules.
That's what the boss says, so I'm sorry.

(32:56):
I mean, I can probably stand behind
the back of your head and talk, hopefully.
Just anything, please, anything.
Incognito mode.
Okay, Molly, if that's your name, what do you want?
What do you want with me?
I don't have any money, I'm just.
There's this thing called a scholarship.
I'm aware, yeah, what about a scholarship?

(33:19):
I can picture the smells going around her head
and through her nose.
Oh God, I still smell it.
Is that coming from you?
Is that your breath?
Is it curving around my face, to my nose?
She can feel it.
It's a long story, Molly, say it's a long story.
It involves a unicorn feces.
I'm sorry, I can't deal with this, I can't.

(33:39):
She runs away.
Hey, don't stop me in the class,
I'm talking about gambling.
She runs to the bathroom and now it's,
you guys aren't seeing, you're like kind of
in your fairy incognito mode,
but everyone else is just kind of there doing the lecture.
Dude, that runs up, dude, what the fuck, man?
I told you not to go.
I'm sorry I couldn't help it,
but you wanted me to do my job, so I did my job.

(33:59):
I told you to wait, I told you to wait.
You told me to lean forward, so I put my off into it.
Okay, I don't need this word, Jujitsu, okay?
Just do what I say, not what I mean to, what's that stuff?
Do what I say, not as I do?
Yes, that, do that.
But you just told me to, I don't get it, sir.

(34:20):
Can you, can you?
Okay, well, she went in the bathroom.
We're not allowed in there, dude,
so we gotta just wait outside till she comes out.
What do you wanna do, you wanna play?
Well, if she's in the bathroom, that could probably help
because the restroom has its own stench,
so maybe my breath can counteract that.
Suddenly, suddenly, you hear a,
Yoo-hoo, over here, hello.

(34:40):
Whoa, who the hell is that?
It's a demon.
It's a nice little demon in a business suit
with glasses and horns.
Oh, I don't like this guy.
Over here, guys, come over here.
This seems like trouble, should we go talk to him?
I don't think we should talk to him.
Where you going, where you going?
I know that guy, that's the fucker
that had me eat the unicorn shit.
Hey, it's Molly.

(35:01):
Molly, I didn't recognize you.
Hey, fuck.
Hey, Dee, how you doing, Dee?
Hey, yeah, yeah, it's, what's my name?
I go by many names as demons, Satan.
Sleepy Dee.
Sleepy Dee, I'm Sleepy, that's Sleepy Dee, that's me.
All right, all right, yeah, I'm just Sleepy Dee, all right.

(35:21):
Yeah, Sleepy Dee.
I remember you, that's the reason why I'm having
struggles right now in the God Parent Academy
because I'm in a fucking cubicle because of you.
Oh my hell, you're still dealing with that?
That's so funny, that's so funny, man.
20 plus years, you fucker.
Wow, who are you, who are you?
The rag's like off in the distance,
like peeking around, is he pointing at me?
Don't worry about who I am, all right?

(35:44):
You talk to your boy, you talk to your boy over there.
He stretches his hand out and he literally like
gravitates the field around you and brings you to.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
I don't like that, I didn't like that at all.
When I say cum, you cum.
Okay, okay, can you let go of my.
I didn't mean that like sexually, by the way.

(36:05):
Just like cum, okay, so your name's Durag?
It's actually Duncan, I don't know why
they keep calling me Durag.
Oh, okay, hey guys, I just wanna let you know,
I'm a sleep paralysis demon for this Melissa, okay?
And yeah, you know, don't try and help her.
I'm assigned to make her life horrible
and no sleep for her.

(36:26):
Don't you fucking dare touch her.
Oh, I mean, I already did touch her.
That's why she can't sleep and life is bad for her.
That's my job.
He's played by Spanish Michael Cera.
Yeah, if it's.
So yeah, guys, just warning you,
don't maybe give up on this assignment
or suffer dire consequences and see your insides out, okay?

(36:50):
Whoa, whoa, is that a fucking threat, my guy?
It's just a friendly reminder that you fuck with me,
you fuck with Satan, all right, bye.
Disappears in the flames, fucking prick.
I didn't like that at all.
Fucking can't stand that guy, we gotta get rid of him.
Why are you bringing your fucking little friends?
We don't need this shit.
I'm sorry, I didn't think
there was gonna be the same fucking guy.

(37:12):
Oh God, God, now we gotta deal with this shit
and she's in the bathroom taking a crap
and I don't even know,
how did I get stuck with this guy?
He poops back in.
By the way, Molly, I made this new ice cream, man.
It's like chocolate fudge banana
and it's really, really good.
You should have some, man.
You said that 20 years ago.

(37:32):
Fuck you, sleepy D.
What, what, what are you talking about?
That's why I've been in the fucking cubicle
for the past 20 years.
No one wants to talk to me.
My breath smells like shit, sewage and hopelessness
and that's what you give me.
Okay, okay, fair, yeah, it was unicorn feces, true.
There's fries over the ice cream.
That was unicorn feces, totally.
This is ice cream.
This is actual ice cream, man, it's melting.

(37:56):
I know I tricked you way back then,
but this time, seriously.
This time's totally real.
No, no, I don't want to.
Are you sure?
It's getting melting, man.
Leave me alone, sleepy D.
What about you, Durak?
Oh, no, I'm good,
because I can clearly see that that's unicorn poop
and I, you know what, I'm solid.
Is that glitter in the bowl?
You fucking son of a.
Oh man, you weren't supposed to see that, man, Molly.

(38:17):
Come on, all right, fine, bye.
Fuck out of here.
Fucking prick.
I hate sleepy D's, super Alice's Demons,
god damn it, fucking guys, fucking weird.
What do you call those things?
What are those things called?
You know, everybody's got one, but you don't like them.

(38:41):
Fucking asshole.
Yeah, that, that, fucking asshole, God.
He is an asshole.
We're gonna take a short break
and get right back to this exciting, riveting story.
Don't go anywhere.
Please, please stay here.
Cut.
Hey, do you like t-shirts?
Maybe hats?
Well, I got good news for you.

(39:02):
The merch store is open.
Come check us out at linktree.com slash DNGPOD.
Click the merch link and get yourself
a definitely not good shirt or a definitely not good hat.
And for a limited time, grab yourself
a I Am The Water Goblin t-shirt.
This is in the limited stock and won't be there forever.
Thank you for supporting us.
And now let's get back to some definitely not good.

(39:26):
Hey guys, we're back.
And we have another sponsor.
Once again, let's spin that sponsor wheel.
Spin it!
Spin it!
Spin it!
Spin it!
Spin it!
Goin' over!
Today's episode is brought to you by Fresh Baked Cookies.
This episode's proudly sponsored by Fresh Baked Cookies.
Mm.
KK, you got any opinion about Fresh Baked Cookies?

(39:49):
Yeah, gotta be fresh.
It can't be that crunchy shit that rips your gums.
Oh, you don't like crunchies?
Oh, I can't stand.
Oh man, like, oh.
It's racist to me if I eat a hard cookie.
Really, really?
OK, he like my wife.
Yeah, hard work.
Motherfucker!
I like a good little crispy.
I like them a little crispy sometimes, you know?
No, I can't do it.
You better take.
It has to be soft.
You better take Tate's cookie.

(40:10):
Who?
Tate's?
No.
Oh, those are these little, they're hard cookies.
I don't know if you like them.
Nope, nope, nope.
You shouldn't even say that.
But I like them.
I like them though, they're good.
Yeah, guys, I'm talking about Fresh Baked Cookies.
Oh shit, you remember that?
You remember that?
In grandma's house and she just took them out the oven
and it's on that table?
Yeah.
You remember that, hold on, I'm about to fuck you up.

(40:30):
You remember the Dasher's cookies?
Yeah.
OK, little true story.
In high school, they had that student store.
I used to break the door down just to get that one roll
of those cookies because I have chocolate milk in my bag.
Fuck yeah.
Oh my god, oh my god.
It was traditional until I got expelled a couple times.
I had to stop that dark habit.

(40:51):
Stealing cookies from the student store.
But they was the best fucking cookies.
Fuck yeah, it was.
Oh my god.
My children will never know the delightful pleasure that
is the Dasher's cookie.
Fresh and warm out the, another fucking, huh?
Yeah.
The size of a Frisbee, like what the fuck?
For no reason.
Why would they, why?
We got a hybrid cookie for you.

(41:12):
It's not mutated, but it's there.
Fucking pancake.
It's the most delicious cookie you'll ever have in your life.
Oh my god, it was so good.
And then they were like, these kids are getting all fucking fat.
We got to get rid of the soda and the Dasher's got to go.
We're like, bitch, just let us be fat.
What?
And then here's the story.
Hey, let's add cappuccino to the cream this time.

(41:33):
Oh my god.
Mm.
Yeah.
When they went out to be here with all these flavors,
I'm like, OK, you're doing too much.
Fuck.
I'm OK with the mint and the regular, but all right,
the double stack?
Oof.
Fat ass, OK?
Fat ass.
You are fat.
Want some fat ass cookies?
I got to say I'm like chocolate chip, fresh baked.

(41:54):
I don't think there's anything better for me.
Nothing.
There's nothing better.
Especially if it's homemade, like a famous recipe.
Yeah.
You can't top that.
Can't top that.
I am curious about what a fresh Oreo would taste like.
Probably not good.
Right?
You feel like you're not good?
I feel like it wouldn't be.
And sugar.
Mm.
Mm.
I mean.
That is a good question.
What would it, yeah, what would it taste like after coming

(42:16):
out the oven?
Still warm and shit?
Wrong.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Wait, wait, wait.
Is that propane in that something?
Mm.
Oreos are crispy.
You don't like crunchy Oreos?
No.
OK.
Is that a tech?
That's my limit.
Oreos is my limit.
Chips are good.
I'll beat your ass if you eat Oreos.
Well, Oreo, that's the limit.

(42:37):
Special, special, special.
And then there's the milk, and I'm like, you know what?
Have a bowl.
And you just throw the cookies in a bowl
and just throw the milk on top.
Eat it like a cereal.
I feed.
Chips Ahoy is like the corporate, corporate intern
of cookies.
You know?
It's just like, if you have no choice, OK, fine.
We'll talk to Todd.
Chips Ahoy feels like they come from a company that

(42:59):
only makes notebooks and Chips Ahoy cookies.
That's it.
Yeah.
Get a free Chips Ahoy cookie with your notebook.
And it's that one cookie you used to get in elementary.
They know shit is hard, and they still give it to you
because it's colors in it.
That's the Chips Ahoy cookie.
It's that little hard disk that you can use as a hockey puck
in the air.
Right, right, right.
Oh, shit.
We mixed our crayons with our Chips Ahoy cookies.

(43:22):
Oopsie.
Good thing we make them both out of the same thing.
Anyways, thank you, Fresh Baked Cookies.
Thank you, Fresh Baked Cookies.
Wow, you're so delicious.
I forgot we were doing that.
That song's going to be playing a long time.
So where we last left off, Molly is partnered up
with Duraag, the fairies.
And they have an assignment to help out Melissa

(43:44):
with her dreams and aspirations.
Fortunately, there's a couple problems.
Molly has bad breath.
And there's a sleep paralysis demon
named Sleepy D, who is plaguing Melissa and making
their lives kind of harder.
The fairy godparents and Melissa.
We have a, we like to throw a wrench

(44:05):
in our already broken story.
So we're going to spin a topic wheel to do that.
Yeah.
We're just going to find whatever topic we got.
And we're just going to just toss this wrench right in there.
Let's do it.
Spin.
Ah!
Paparazzi.

(44:25):
All right.
Paparazzi.
Paparazzi.
In Vegas.
All right, this is cool.
You got any immediate ideas, KK?
Well, since Molly has bad breath,
that's going to be tough for Paparazzi
to stand there flashing the cameras,
because let's hope it melts material.
So Molly and Duraag are leaving the school.

(44:48):
You know, they're still kind of arguing and trying
to decide what to do.
Suddenly, a super fancy celebrity A-list fairy
named Twinkle comes out.
You know, he's got beautiful brown hair and sunglasses.
He looks like Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat.
Oh, wow.
He's wearing all white.

(45:09):
He's always doing the splits?
Yeah, and like, Paparazzi are following him, right?
And he comes out and he says, oh, hello, Duraag.
His feet are propped up on two unicycles
because he's doing the splits at all times.
Hello, Duraag.
Who's this you have with you?
Oh, this?
Don't worry about him.
What are you doing here?
I heard that you have some issues with your newest client.

(45:33):
What seems to be the issue?
I'm here to make a...
Jeez, that's a lot of cameras here.
Who's speaking?
Is that you?
Are you speaking?
Dude, shut up.
I'm sorry.
I'm Molly Glitterfist.
Molly Glitterfist.
Oh, I heard about you.
You're the new recruit.
Fresh blood with old breath, the oldest breath.

(45:54):
I take it that you heard about my reputation.
Paparazzi, can you please show Publisit says...
All right, fairies, get out of here.
Get out of here.
Scoot.
We have a right to press.
We can stay here as long as we want, dude.
You can't push us out.
You can't do it.
Please leave.

(46:15):
Fuck.
Fine.
My name is Twinkle Flutterbottom.
And yes, so you have a stinky...
What did you eat?
What did you eat?
I might be able to help.
Yeah, dude, because it smells like you ate a dumpster filled
with old diapers.
It was unicorn shit.
Just stop it.
Stop it.

(46:35):
You ate unicorn shit?
Yeah, two months ago.
All right, Sleepy D tricked me into eating this ice cream he
said he had.
And I scarfed it down.
I was really hungry that day.
And that's what I'm suffering from now.
OK, OK, I got you.
Help me.
I got you.
I have a stick of gum called Twinkle Gum.

(46:57):
No sponsor.
Yes, Twinkle Gum.
As long as you're chewing this gum, it'll taste,
you'll smell like spring air over a lake.
I don't fucking know.
That's what the publisher says.
But if you eat it, you'll be good.
Chew it.
This will cure your bad breath.

(47:18):
So it's going to work.
It's going to work as long as you're chewing it,
or as long as it's in your mouth, rather.
Are you sure?
Because his breath smells like a burnt dog.
Enough, Dure.
That's enough.
OK?
OK, you're pissing me off.
This is why I'm standing 10 feet back, by the way.
I'm nowhere near him.
Anyways, I got a thing to do.

(47:38):
I was just checking up on my fellow fairy godparents.
So take the stick of gum and see you.
They hear somebody in the background, fairies!
Nothing to do with the press.
Who the fuck was that?
Anyways, bye.
He's off to go watch the newest fairy godparent movie.
So we're going to cut to.
Starring himself.

(47:59):
We're going to cut to, it's kind of later in the night now.
And it is Melissa.
She's drawing in her dorm.
Very messy, crazy dorm.
Deep bag, deep dark bags under her eyes.
This drawing is shit.
I just can't draw.
Balls of paper everywhere.
Oh, what the fuck am I doing with my life?
OK, I see.

(48:19):
This is my cue.
Yeah, this is a good time, man.
Go talk to her.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.
Hey, hey, what's up?
Hey.
Oh, shit, she saw us.
Sleepy D is there on the bed.
He's kind of just chilling crisscross applesauce.
Oh, fuck, here's come this guy.
This fucking guy.
Did I not tell you to maybe not deal with me and fuck around?

(48:43):
What's going on?
Dude, tell her.
Dude, tell her.
Tell her, dude.
Dude, tell her.
Tell her.
Dude.
Dude.
Melissa, wake up.
Oh, what's going on?
So there's this guy named Sleepy D.
What the fuck, Molly?
What are you doing in my dorm, dude?
Calm down, calm down.
Trying to save your life here.
Trying to save your life.

(49:03):
Wait.
Spring.
Fuck, yeah.
So look, so check this out.
Check this out.
Please listen carefully.
OK, I'm listening.
Sleepy D, he's a piece of shit.
All right?
He's a piece of shit.
I'm right here, man.
Fuck you, dude.
I don't give a fuck.
I have powers now.
OK, fine.
You cannot smell me, I am talking so much shit right now.
So look, Melissa, pay attention.

(49:24):
This guy Sleepy D, he will try to keep you in bed stiff as a plank.
OK?
What you need to do is to try to avoid going to sleep.
Wait, what?
He's saying not?
I can't.
I haven't been sleeping at all, and you're telling me not to sleep?
Yes, you can't.
I have to give you cocaine to stay up.
What the fuck is going on?
He just jams his finger in her mouth.

(49:45):
He just starts to do it.
This is going to help.
Wow.
What are you doing?
Wow.
What are you doing?
Wow.
Is this like, OK, so this is, yeah, that's cocaine.
Wow.
That's OK.
OK, yeah, I'm pretty awake now.
Peruvian Flake, that's what it is.
Wow, I feel like I have a lot of strength,

(50:06):
but it's probably not warranted.
What the fuck you guys doing, man?
Your fairy's giving your host cocaine?
Shut up.
Mind your fucking business, bro.
Is that in the fairy manual?
Mind your business.
You gave me shit, all right?
So I'm giving her coke.
Ah, unicorn shit.
You got to be specific.
Fuck you, sleepy D. I don't want to be specific on it,

(50:26):
but this time, yes, you gave me unicorn shit,
so fuck you.
Fuck off.
OK, you know what?
Fuck out of here, sleepy ass D.
You know what, guys?
This is really funny.
And I'm going to let you shoot your J. And go for it.
I'm going to be watching, and I'm going to give you five
minutes, OK?
If you don't, you know?
And after that, I'm going to keep
pervading the girl, you know?

(50:47):
I don't like this.
He has too much confidence.
He's too confident.
I don't like it.
You're fucking touching her.
I'm going to be watching on, what's it called,
like spectator mode when you die in a video game?
I'm going to take the girl out of my mouth and spit on you,
sleepy D. Back up.
Man, you're so serious all the time, man.
It's all right.
All right.
All right.
I'll see you guys later.
I'm out of the fucking cubicle.
This is life.
Fuck out of here, sleepy.

(51:07):
I'm going to go bring back some ice cream, OK?
Bye, guys.
Ice cream?
Do you think he's, you don't think he's,
it's not real ice cream, right?
There's no way it's real, real ice cream.
Dude, I'm pretty sure you know it's not ice cream.
Right.
No, of course not.
It's not.
Because I wasn't going to eat it.
I think you need a bowl of ice cream.
That's what you need to do.
It's a bowl of ice cream.

(51:28):
You know what?
Look, we got some, did you say something about ice cream?
Yes, I did.
I think, I might want some.
Maybe we should go get some ice cream.
Is that, is that?
Well, we are in Vegas.
We can go on a strip and get some ice cream.
Yeah, yeah.
No, let's do that.
Let's do that.
Let's leave campus, because she fell asleep.
So.
No, she's doing pull-ups.

(51:49):
She's doing pull-ups while you guys are talking.
She'll be up.
She'll be up for a while.
Eight.
Hey, Melissa, you going to be all right?
You all right?
I'm working through it.
I'm working through it.
All right.
All right.
Don't watch Nightmare on Elm Street.
Yeah, dude, she'll be fine.
Let's go get some gelato.
How about, how about, does gelato sound good?
You know what I'm saying?

(52:09):
Sounds pretty good.
Yeah.
So you guys, proof to cold gelato creamery.
Ooh.
And Vegas classic.
Yeah, and they're just, someone's there,
and they're like, hey, would you like a I Love It, I Like It,
or Fairy God Me, I Gotta Get It.
Which size you want?
I would like the latter, please.
You want a Fairy God Me, I Gotta Get It?
That's the one.
All right.
Let me just.

(52:30):
I have to say.
And what flavors you get?
All of them.
I want chocolate.
Chocolate.
We don't have chocolate.
Damn.
It's the only one we don't have, actually.
I would like a, I would like a Mocha Fairy Dust Punch,

(52:52):
Pinch of Magic Crunch.
Yeah, I got it.
I'm just going to start putting this ice cream on a table
and stabbing it.
Yeah.
All right.
I'm going to do it.
It's going to take a while, guys.
Hang in there.
It's all right.
I'm OK.
You guys get a phone call on your fairy watches.
Yes, you don't have phones.
You have fairy watches.
Oh, high tech.
Hey, guys, it's your boss.

(53:13):
It's the fairy god boss.
Oh, shit.
Hey, sir.
Hi, sir.
How you doing?
How you doing?
Hey.
Yeah, so we're noticing that your client Melissa,
her heart rate seems to be through the roof.
And she still seems to be awake and having issues.
And I think we're going further down.

(53:33):
What the fuck are you guys doing?
What's going on?
Do not tell him about the code.
Do not tell him about the code.
He puts his hand on the watch.
Are we bad at this?
Are we not doing a good job?
I feel like we're doing a better job.
Don't speak about the thumb.
The thumb in the mouth thing.
Don't talk about that.
She is working on becoming a exercise major.

(53:56):
She's studying.
She signed up for the CrossFit competition
with Las Vegas, Nevada University.
They're doing a CrossFit training.
Whoa, whoa.
Competition.
She's hitting the books real, real hard right now.
Sounds like you'll be CrossFitting this off

(54:17):
your checklist.
Cut to hers.
She's just gritting her teeth.
Ah, ah, ah, give me more.
All right, guys, you're doing a splendid job.
We'll just keep an eye out and check in with you in maybe
another four or five hours.
All right.
Four or five hours.
Yeah, sure.
That sounds like a good, yeah.
Have a great day.
Yeah.
Over and out.
See you, boss.

(54:38):
Boss.
Dude, we're fucked.
We're fucking fucked, dude.
He's fucking coked up right now.
This was a bad idea.
We shouldn't have gave her go game, man.
This is a bad idea.
We should have never given her that.
This is Sleepy D's fault.
This isn't our fault.
And then you listen in the background to Eminem and then,
I should have never gave her her shoes.
It's my fault.
Oh, dang.

(54:58):
I didn't mean for you to hold back.
All right, I got two orders of ice cream.
This one has everything.
And this one is everything but chocolate.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, don't thank me.
Thank capitalism.
All right, see you.
I really wanted that chocolate ice cream.
That guy looks familiar, man.
Yeah, he does kind of look familiar.

(55:19):
Anyway, I'm going to eat this ice cream.
You guys.
He just mows it down.
Mm-hmm.
It's just.
Durag's a big seller.
You know?
He's a large child.
6A, 450 barrels.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Big guy, big guy.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.

(55:39):
How's yours?
How's yours tasting?
All right.
You might not want to eat mine now after seeing
what you just did to yours.
What?
What?
I mean, if you're not going to.
Hey, guys, I insist.
It's really good.
You should both eat your ice creams.
OK.
OK.
All right.
I'll give it a try.
Good.
Yeah.
Oh, this is pretty good.
Oh, wow.

(55:59):
Oh, shit.
This is pretty good.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, wow.
Is that chocolate?
He takes his face mask off and Sleepy D.
Oh, my.
Oh.
Me.
Motherfucker.
You guys really like unicorn shit, man.
Oh, fuck.
I had no idea.
I had no idea you liked unicorn shit so much.
That's crazy.
And I swallowed the gum.
Shit.
Oh, god.
Now my breath smells.

(56:20):
What is this?
Oh, fuck.
Oh, god.
It's burning my eyes.
Oh, my god.
I just fell for it.
Fucking Sleepy D. I'm going to kill you.
I'm going to fucking kill you.
Is this what your life is like?
You can't kill me, man.
I'm already dead.
I'm like, come on, man.
Son of a bitch.
I'm going to go to hell like my home.
I hate Sleeper, Alice's name is fuck.
So yeah, I think you guys failed.

(56:41):
I don't think cocaine's in the manual for fair godparents.
Oh, you better not breathe a fucking word of this, bro.
Oh, I'm telling everybody.
Not a fucking word.
I'm telling everybody.
Not a fucking word.
I'm coming for your head.
According to my deal that we made, you have one minute.
Yeah, about, oh, sorry, actually 30 seconds
to make her dreams come true.
So.

(57:01):
30 fucking seconds?
Yeah, and then I take over her life
and she become a host for Satan.
You cheated.
You fucking cheated, dude.
Dude, we got to do something.
Oh my god.
Uh.
We got to do something.
You're the expert here.
Hold on.
Let me look through the manual.
You got to figure it out.
Come on, please, please, please.
Ah, I'm flipping through the manual.
Sleeper, Alice's name is Unicorn Cope.
It says, you are fucked.

(57:26):
Yeah, I wrote that part in, actually.
Oh my god.
Yeah, I just wrote it in Korean.
He puts it in the front.
He puts it in the front, it says written by Sleepy D.
That's me, man.
I wrote the manual.
What the fuck?
You wrote the manual?
Yeah.
Every fucking where Sleepy D?
Fuck.
Hey, man, I get places.
You know, I got rent to pay, you know?
Fuck.
You're the worst.
We got to help her.
You're the fucking worst, man.

(57:46):
We got to save her.
That's it.
OK.
Shit.
So now her soul belongs to me, I think.
Any questions, guys?
Oh, man, we got to move to Mexico.
We can't stay here.
We have to go.
I'm going to Canada.
Canada?
No, that's probably a better idea.
And I'm going to sew my mouth shut.
I'm going to breathe out my nose for the rest of my life.
You guys are like, wait, hold on.
So let me get this straight.

(58:08):
You fairy godparents and you're giving up on your assignment
moving to Canada or for Mexico?
Well, for one, you're taking somebody's fucking soul
that we try to save, and you gave us shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you know what our boss is going to fucking do to us, dude?
Yeah.
Oh, dude.
He's going to rip us in half, man.
From asshole up.
You guys are supposed to be good, though, right?
I thought fairy godparents were supposed to be good.

(58:28):
Well, you fucked that up.
This isn't good at all.
It's not fucking good.
Do you see what's coming out of my fucking mouth right now?
Do you see it?
It's green.
It's fucking green.
Why is there a green cloud coming out of his fucking mouth?
And mine.
And my mouth, too, now.
Look at this.
You see this shit?
Hey, are you guys open?
I wanted to get some ice cream.
Sorry, we're closed right now, man.
Come eat some fucking ice cream.
Come on.

(58:49):
We're closed.
Turn on the lights.
Come on.
Come on in.
We're super closed right now, man.
Capitalism.
Come eat it.
Vegas, baby.
You got any Oreos?
He pushes him out with the force.
The door slams and all the windows close.
They're blind.
Yeah.
And now he creates a giant portal.
And all three of you and the cold-shrimp creamery

(59:11):
end up in Melissa's apartment.
And she is wilding out, dude.
I don't know.
She's in a bad state.
Melissa, you're sweating a lot.
Are you OK?
Holy shit.
What's going on?
Is that ice cream?
So no.
Yeah, she's there.
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
I'm going crazy.
How many fingers do I got?
What the fuck?
What's wrong with the fucking fingers?
What her fingers?
Holy shit.
Who's that guy with the horns?

(59:32):
Hey, Melissa.
I'm your sleep paralysis demon.
Sleepy day.
Nice to meet you.
So funny story.
I just wanted to introduce you to your fuck-up friends who
are supposed to help you, Molly and Durag.
They fucked your life up.
Say hi, guys.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey.
Yeah, we fucked up.
Sorry.
You guys were supposed to help me, and you just, what the fuck?
Did you do anything?
Cocaine?
What the fuck?

(59:52):
Yeah, try to calm you down.
I know it was a stimulant, but it didn't work out that way.
So I'm sorry, Melissa.
Look, sometimes plans don't work out the way that you planned.
Well, how were you supposed to help me with cocaine?
Well, I was hoping that you would repent.
Repent for what?
I'm lost here.
Durag, can you help?
Whoa.
What is this?
Have you been frantically drawing?

(01:00:12):
I think, yeah, I just, oh.
These are really good.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, I just been draw, I didn't think about it.
I just, I've been drawing stuff.
And yeah, I have been.
Wow.
This is like really good.
Did you do this with a pencil?
Yeah, I was just drawing, like first I
was drawing like Goku and Sailor Moon.
And now I think, yeah, I drew a whole webcomic.

(01:00:36):
Yeah, it's here.
What the fuck, guys?
You can be famous doing this.
No, don't listen to him, man.
These things suck, man.
No, fuck you.
These are incredible.
You should really get into it now.
We have social media.
Start posting your work, Melissa.
Post it online.
Fuck this school.
You got art in front of you.
Take it.
I might.
No, listen, Melissa.

(01:00:56):
I'm usually proud, as a statement.
Listen to me.
The AI is just going to eat it up anyways, all right?
It's just going to fall.
And people don't, there's so much art.
Your art sucks compared to the whole world, man.
It's not true.
It's not true.
Trust me.
Don't listen to him.
Don't listen to him.
Forget what he's saying, Melissa.
These are amazing.
Look, try to hold your breath as I'm talking to you right now.
This is your chance.
You have a bright moment to get out of this situation.

(01:01:18):
You need to post your work.
I guarantee the moment you get 10 people,
you're going to get 1,000.
And you're going to get 1,000, you're
going to get a million.
Just post your work.
OK.
I'm going to go to bed now.
My eyes are burning.
She falls asleep.
Oh, man, she's not supposed to fall asleep.
I'm supposed to keep her up.
That's sleep paralysis.
That's what I do, man.

(01:01:39):
Oh, man.
This whole thing is like fucked up now, man.
Yeah, we did that.
Wow.
Hey, Molly.
I have an idea.
What's that?
Let's fuck this dude up.
What the fuck?
No, you can't do that.
You're very good at it.
I'll take his ass.
I'll pull off.
Ow, you motherfucker.
Shit, man.
You son of a bitch.
Get this bitch in your ass.
Oh, oh.

(01:01:59):
They just beat the hell out of this nigga.
That fucking hurt.
Ow.
Ow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take that.
Take that.
Take that.
Motherfucker.
Motherfucker.
I'll fucking go back to hell, man.
Fuck this.
Yeah, you tell the boys.
Yeah, go back to hell.
You tell your daddy, you shit.
Don't come back here, motherfucker.
Bye.
I feel like my teeth are moving.
Cut to next day.

(01:02:20):
You're in the chief's office.
Hey, well done, guys.
Melissa.
Thank you.
I don't know what was up with the heart rate thing,
but she seems to be finally cracking
into our career and her dream.
Yeah, that was optimism, sir.
That was the heart rate.
All part of the plan, boss.
Yeah, her dream was to make Naruto Dragon Ball Z fanfic,

(01:02:40):
and she is doing it.
She's right there.
She's getting it, man.
She's doing the ancient stuff.
You made her dreams come true.
Very graphic.
Just like we said we would.
Very graphic.
The more you know.
Yeah.
Why are they, why is Naruto and Sasuke kissing?
It's her dream, man.
I don't judge humans.
They're weird.
They're weird.
It's anime.
We just deal with it.
OK, OK.
She's making money.
I'm not here to judge.

(01:03:00):
I'm just here to win.
By the way, guys, we won.
By the way, guys, we watched everything.
We know everything that happened.
Oh, fuck.
I forgot about the fairy cameras.
And I'll be honest, we were going to fire you guys,
but the way you brought it back, it just kind of worked out.
Yeah, no, we're good at this.
We, it was.
Nah, I wouldn't say you're good at it, but.
So you've seen everything, sir?
I saw everything, everything.

(01:03:21):
What about when I was taking a dump?
It's not our favorite part, but we have to watch everything.
That's what we do.
You saw me go through my phone, right?
Yeah, you should probably delete that.
You should probably delete your history.
Oh, man, dude.
But I will say, being outside of sleepy
day was pretty entertaining to watch, so.
Fuck, did he see that?
It's only fat chicks.
Fuck.
I mean, we all know what you're into now, Molly, so.

(01:03:44):
All right, guys, take a vacation break.
Oh, vacation?
I like vacations.
Where are you going for vacation?
I am going to see that lunch lady downstairs.
Yeah, I saw you eyeballing that lady veggie.
Those rolls remind me of burgers.
Keep them in your head, bud.
Oh, boy.
I'm going to enjoy that.
That's intrusive thoughts right there.
But all right, all right, Molly.
Where's Twinkle?
I need the gum.
I need the gum before I do anything.
Where the fuck is he at?

(01:04:05):
Yeah, your mouth really stinks.
Twinkle!
We pan out, and that's the end, guys.
We did it.
That's the end.
We fucking did it.
We freaking did it.
Wow, man, we freaking did it.
We told a story.
We shot the J.
Somehow you guys helped her out.
The magic of cocaine, I suppose.

(01:04:27):
And two grams of assistance.
Two grams and a thumbnail.
Yeah.
I want to thank my special guest, KK.
Yo, man, I'm glad to be here, man.
KK the villain.
Taking the time bringing my big ass here.
I'm surprised I'm in a couch that fits me.
Same.
Other than that, I would have been falling through.
We got your back, man.
You got all of it?

(01:04:47):
Yeah, yeah, the whole thing.
That's a fat back, bro.
It's a lot of silver back, gorilla spots right there.
I got some greens to eat with me.
That's hippo swinging shit off his tail back right there.
Num nums.
Yeah, yeah, num nums.
Num nums.
KK, thank you for being here.
Do you have anywhere?
You're sweet.
Do you have anywhere online you'd
like people to check you out?

(01:05:07):
Yeah, check me on Instagram, Big Cakes, AKA Fat Food.
That's a, I just post random shit.
Random shit.
Very, very random.
And then on Facebook, you can find me on Facebook,
stop right the fuck there.
Yes, that's the name.
What a pH.
That's great.
Yes, stop right the fuck there.
I do have a TikTok, but I don't really post my shit on there

(01:05:30):
because I still have trust issues.
Uh-huh, understandable.
I still have trust issues.
I can't even post anything cool without it being criticized
and judged and shadowbanned for a week or two.
So TikTok, thank you guys for showing some good stuff.
But fuck you, I'm not posting shit.
Son of a bitch.
Shout out to TikTok.
Well, thank you once again, KK.

(01:05:51):
Nuckety, where can they find your stuff, Nuckety?
Oh, my stuff?
Yeah.
Oh.
Come on, Hab.
This bit's getting old.
You can check out my OnlyFans now.
Texting Black.
Texting Black.
N-U-Q-A-B-Y on all the social medias.
Yeah, that's where my stuff is at.

(01:06:11):
And yeah, you know?
Nice.
And if you'd like to check out more D&G,
we're at linktree.com slash D&G POD.
You can check us out on our socials, like Instagram, TikTok.
Or you can buy stuff at our merch store, you know?
Yeah, buy some shit.
For sure.
Like, seriously, buy some shit.
Buy some shit.
You see a pair of socks with their name on it,

(01:06:32):
you buy the shit.
We got to get some socks.
We got to get some socks now.
Fucking socks, bro.
Very comfy.
Shoes and socks, man.
That is the thing right now.
D&G socks.
Mm-hmm, very popular.
Ugly sandals and dope ass socks, man.
That's Washington right there for you.
Fuck.
Well, thanks for listening, guys.
Yeah, we appreciate it.
Thanks for listening.
Have yourself a great day, and do not do cocaine.
I advise against it.

(01:06:53):
Don't do that.
You look hot today, man, by the way.
Just eat shrooms and drink sugar water.
Yeah, sure.
That is my advice.
Sugar.
That is some very god-parent advice right there.
A blind man once told me, you take a shit,
try not to wipe too much.
OK, OK, OK.
Can't top that.
He sounds wise.
Yeah, he has a lot of rash in his butt.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

(01:07:13):
So wipe that in there.
Don't wipe too much.
Just wipe and dip in the water.
Birdbath.
Have a good night, everyone.
No.
Bye.
See you.
Definitely not good.

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54 - Fairly Bad Parents 🦄 ( feat. KK )

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}54 - Fairly Bad Parents 🦄 ( feat. KK )