January 28, 2025 • 61 mins
"Chew in this. Gum is chewy, and you Chew on it. What will they think of next. Do our heroes have what it takes? Look at this guy… This guy collects gum. Is that even a real job?”
Guest - Artistick
Find him at linktree.com/mrartistick
Host - CJ Rhone
Producer - Nuqady
Email us at
definitelynotgoodpodcast@gmail.com
Follow Us on social media:
Give us a 5 star rating to help keep the show going. Thanks!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What up, you dingus?
(00:01):
This is definitely not good.
The podcast-
Hold on, I was wrinkling paper.
Hey, no worries.
My bad, let me move stuff away.
Hey, keep that in actually.
We need people to know this is not AI.
You know, AI can't replicate that.
We're real, you guys.
We're real, we're so real.
I swear, very real.
I swear to God.
Allen Iverson does not exist.
Just in case.
What up, you dingus?
This is definitely not good.
The podcast where we create stories
(00:22):
and they're definitely probably not good.
I'm your host, CJ, and I'm joined by my producer, Nuckety.
Hello.
We have a very, very exciting episode today
because we're joined by Artistic.
Hey.
Back for the second time.
The second.
And again, it's A-R-T-I-S-T-I-C-K.
Thank you for being here.
I don't know how Nuckety talked you into coming back,
(00:42):
but we're happy you're here.
It's his idea.
Lots of peanut butter, actually.
Oh, that'll do the trick, I guess.
Dogs and Artistic.
Yeah.
And me, I like peanut butter also.
Yeah, nice.
I also love peanut butter.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know what this is, guys,
but it's definitely not good.
Honestly.
I think that's the idea,
is not to just switch between eating stuff
and...
(01:03):
It's five minutes,
five minutes with You're Fen에요,
or something like that.
Right?
shoving in a mountain.
Yeah.
relacionatio means
What?
Social media.
Yeah.
what's your double double
Yo, man,
that's how you like it?
Like like what?
I'd like to see some
no, no, of guys.
Yo.
(01:24):
You know what?
Like the Larry 님 questions
to come up with a story completely from scratch
with a little twist.
We have a series of wheels we're gonna spin,
each of them random.
And depending on where they land,
we have to somehow incorporate it into our story.
I love it.
Later on, we're gonna have some fake sponsors
where we're gonna spin some wheels.
It's gonna be real, real exciting, amazing.
(01:46):
Amazering.
But before that, we have Artistic here.
Welcome, Artistic.
Hey. Hey.
Welcome back.
How you doing?
Again, I'm doing well, man.
Nice.
I'm three centimeters taller.
Hey. Hey.
Look at you.
I feel great.
I feel a little bit darker today.
Yeah.
Hey.
So things are great.
Melanin is popping.
Yes.
What's a hot take that you have right now?
(02:07):
A hot take.
I feel like I have them all the time and I hate like,
I just need to have a list of my hot takes
so I'm ready for when I'm asked a question.
Yeah, that's real.
But I can't think of it right now.
Oh, okay.
We can circle back on it.
Yeah, let's circle back.
Let's circle back.
Wait, wait, wait.
Going back to your melanin and AI.
Yeah.
Have you ever tried to make somebody your color in AI?
(02:28):
I've tried to make me darker.
We using AI.
I don't think that's right.
I can't do it.
I can't make a light skinned person in AI.
No, what you talking about, like when you type it in?
Yeah.
They always turn out Mexican or extra black.
Yeah, there is no in between.
No, the light skin, if you try to ask AI
to make a light skinned male,
you're getting Puerto Rican or straight up Mexican.
You're getting Jose.
It don't exist for something.
(02:49):
You have to be like so specific.
Or it's like, I need a very fair light skinned black
male.
I tried that and I got a white person.
Just, you know what, just type in Mexican
and then hope for the best.
Just keep trying.
Mexican.
If you say I need a human male,
guess what it's gonna make?
White guy.
Yeah, it's always a white guy.
Yeah.
Well, I know Nuck
(03:23):
So to the best of your ability,
do you remember the Flintstones theme song?
Kind of.
Yeah?
Kind of.
Do you remember the other Flintstones theme song?
I do not remember the other Flintstones theme song.
Okay, we'll go ahead and try to hum that one.
Hey.
Mm-hmm.
(03:53):
Bro, that was it, man.
Yo, can we get some snaps in the chat for artistic?
I got gloves on.
You got, can we hear that again actually?
That's what a snap sounds like with gloves on.
I love it.
Can we get a little kid saying yay also?
Yay!
All right, perfect.
(04:14):
No diddy.
Artistic, what's been going on in your life, man?
What's, like it's been a while since you were on last time.
Last time I think I had just dropped an EP
called Sadboy Summer, and in that time,
I have transitioned to being more of a DJ.
Okay.
And it's been picking up very well.
I mean, it's just, I'm an artist at heart, man.
I just love creating.
(04:34):
Should we put DJ artistic?
No, just artistic,
because it's more than just DJing.
It's more than that.
Yeah.
You motherfuckers.
Are you enjoying DJing more than making music,
or maybe the same thing, but.
I mean, as of now, I say yes, maybe because it's new,
but I just, I love watching and making people move
and dance and have a great time, you know, so.
(04:57):
I feel like that, but we're laughing.
What's something that people might not know about DJing?
It's, I mean, in my opinion,
it's easier than ever now
with all the things that they give you.
So if you really want to do what you can.
I feel like as much as there is competition,
there is a lot of community with the DJing world.
Oh, okay.
As long as you don't get those super ego DJs,
(05:17):
like it's not as bad as like the artistry
or the being an artist where everybody feels
like top dog type thing,
where everybody has to fight and scrap, so.
Is that also like the type of DJs
who like say stuff during a song,
like their own name?
Cool.
No, that's kind of part of the emceeing part.
Like that's just part of the entertainment.
Okay, okay.
I hated that mixtape error, man.
(05:39):
Yeah.
DJ Clu needed to calm the fuck down.
Facts.
What's your favorite instrument, dude?
I think you asked me last time, but I think.
Did I?
Oh, no.
You know what?
I feel like this is like a bag of chips.
Sometimes you want this, sometimes you want that.
Right now in my life, I would say I am feeling.
The sousaphone.
The guitar.
(06:00):
Oh, guitar.
Guitar.
That's a sexy choice right there.
Pretty niche, you know, but I just,
I feel like not the bass,
I'm talking about the lead.
Yeah, yeah.
Insert riff.
Tingle, tingle, tingle.
Nick, what's your favorite instrument?
I think I asked you that before.
Yeah, you have.
What is it?
I need to know.
A piano.
(06:20):
A piano, nice.
I, you know, this is not a flex, guys,
but I did get a double bass for Christmas.
Is it back to zing?
It's too small for me.
Hand it off.
I might have to hold it like a guitar
and play it, but.
It's crazy, because it's the largest instrument possible.
Right, it needs to be larger.
(06:43):
Did you just like get the stick on the bottom?
Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get an extender for that.
Yeah, because they make those.
Yeah.
Do you like violin?
For the, well, violin seems tough.
You gotta freaking curl your fingers and stuff.
You gotta be freaking.
I played violin in like fourth or fifth grade.
Oh, yeah?
I did.
Wow.
Yep.
That's cool.
Couldn't play it again right now if you wanted to,
(07:04):
but I definitely did.
I have one if you want to try.
I definitely did.
I feel like that's a flex though.
Like, if you bust out the violin while you're DJing,
people are gonna.
Go crazy.
Yeah, that would be a flex.
Cut the whole system off.
Just.
Eee.
Eee.
Eee.
Got some for your ass.
Violin solo.
Well, we don't have a sponsor today,
but we do have a fake sponsor to spin a wheel for.
(07:27):
There's something like that.
Something like that, so let's spin that wheel.
What do we got today?
Ah, I don't know, I don't know.
Today's episode is brought to you by Ham.
This episode is proudly sponsored by Dead Pig Ham.
I enjoy ham.
Nuckety, can you give us the reasons
(07:49):
why ham is your favorite?
My favorite?
Yeah.
Oh, because you know, I like pineapple
and it's one of the only meats
that pairs well with pineapple.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
And that's it.
Do you like ham, artistic?
I hate ham.
You hate ham?
I don't deal with any type of swine.
None of that?
Not pig nor police.
(08:10):
I don't pork lease, police.
I don't like none of it.
I understand.
Not for me.
Dang.
Nope.
When did you know, well, sorry to our sponsor for that,
but like we'll cut all this out.
We'll cut his part.
Tell us why, like when did you know you started hating ham?
Man, it's just the smell of it, just.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Nope, not for me, man.
What about, what about, what about, you know, like.
(08:34):
What?
Pork ribs.
Pork ribs, no.
No, no, no.
Lamb rack.
Lamb ribs.
Lamb rack ribs?
That's it.
You've never had lamb rack?
Not ribs.
Yeah, well, a lamb rack is.
Like barbecue.
It's just small ribs.
It's not as, it's more like this.
Oh, it's not a barbecue lamb rib.
I think, I think it's kind of fucked up
what we do to pigs.
Yo, no, it.
(08:54):
All me.
We're.
All me.
We've found out the, to every animal that we eat,
but you know, survival in the fittest.
Yeah, but I guess, you know, ham has kept humans alive
for a long time, so for that we're grateful, ham.
So thank you.
Yeah, say no to ham in the Philippines
and we'll see how that goes.
Oof.
Yeah, oof.
(09:14):
It's like 80% of their food.
Thank you, ham.
Thanks, ham.
No thank you, ham.
Ham I am, green eggs and ham.
I always did want to try green eggs and ham though.
We made it.
I was curious what that is.
Grade, we made some green eggs and ham.
I made some too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you put some color dye on it?
Yeah, yeah.
See, I want that authentic shit though.
Like what's gonna make it actually green?
(09:35):
What's gonna make it actually green though?
I don't know.
Well, Nuckety.
Huh?
What, what, what's like, I don't know.
What do you feel about this year so far?
We're still pretty early on it, but.
Well, TikTok went away for six hours and then came back.
Gave all the credit to a guy who's not the president
yet.
(09:57):
He is now, by the way.
Is it today?
Yeah, we're recording this the 20th.
So it like happened just a few hours ago.
Well, this happened two days ago.
Yeah, the TikTok stuff,
I'm not gonna try and keep up with it anymore.
I actually deleted all of my social media accounts.
What?
Yes, all of them.
You're a ghost.
(10:18):
You don't even exist in real life now?
I know, I just exist on definitely not good, so.
That's crazy.
He is a guy.
It kinda sucks cause I can't tag you in anything anymore.
Yeah.
You know, whatever.
My wife downloads TikToks and sends it to me through text now.
She downloads them?
Yes.
Wild.
I mean, so funny.
You know what made me more mad about everything
is I don't care about TikTok, right?
(10:39):
But they banned my mobile game.
World snap.
They banned my damn game.
They didn't mention anything about this.
They were like, oh, TikTok is banned, all this.
I'm like, I don't care, haha.
I try to go on and log on my game.
It says, unfortunately, this is no longer available in the US.
Insane.
I about threw my phone.
Yeah.
And then TikTok came back and guess what didn't?
(11:00):
Your game didn't come back?
My game didn't come back.
What the fuck?
Yes.
I had this theory, right, that like a Senator was like,
hell yeah, congratulations everyone, we banned TikTok.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go in a corner
and play Marvel Snap.
Wait, what the fuck?
Right, this is crazy.
Hold on, hold on, reverse that.
I didn't read the whole thing.
Reverse that.
Just bring it back, man, bring it back.
(11:20):
So.
That was insane.
I think what's insane to me isn't like,
the TikTok ban is fucking stupid, right?
Marvel Snap thing is fucking stupid.
This whole fucking situation is dumb.
The fucking craziest thing to me
that I don't see people talking about
is that they fucking cut CapCut.
Yeah.
And I was literally in the middle of like video projects
with CapCut.
(11:41):
Now when I go on my desktop and open the app,
it says you're cut.
It's like, it doesn't work.
The website doesn't work.
So.
Ridiculous, man.
Thank God, knock on wood, I don't fucking have like,
I didn't have a huge fucking project on CapCut.
Right, yeah, that would have been fucking dumb.
Terrible.
Yeah, but I feel.
I'm finally almost done with my three hour movie.
(12:02):
Oh my God.
Like yeah, my heart goes out to the fucking thousands
of creators, millions of creators who've used CapCut.
And pour lots into it.
Yeah.
Mind you, I mean, it's not that big of a deal
because the game I've been playing has been like,
it's a span of maybe like five to eight years.
I got like probably almost a grand of money
spent on that app.
On Marvel Snap?
No, well I play Mobile Legends.
(12:23):
Oh, okay, okay.
I don't know if we can have that in the thing.
But yeah, so.
Not a sponsor, not a sponsor.
Yeah, so I spend so much on it, I mean over time,
but it's like damn bro, I don't get none of that back
either, golly.
So like if, okay, question, if that fucking went away
because they're involved with a Chinese company,
what's your reaction?
Because that app went away?
Yeah, like it's a part of TikTok.
(12:43):
Bro, you know how many times my social's been taken?
Like do you think I care about my online
fucking metadata anymore at this point?
Come on bro, like I've been violated already.
Get over with it.
All of them, get over with it.
Yeah, yeah.
Just take it you sick, sick fuck.
Geez.
It's wild man, but by the time you're hearing this,
(13:04):
who knows, probably aliens have shown up by now.
Yeah, yeah, this next like three or four weeks
is about to be real weird.
Bring out the chariots.
Right, we're just hoping you're doing okay
as you listen to this, you know.
We're in the past.
TikTok is back, CapCut and Marvel Snap is not.
So.
And not Mobile Legends either.
Right, rest in peace.
(13:25):
But you can always get DaVinci Resolve.
I have DaVinci.
It's good stuff, I like DaVinci.
I have Canva.
Not a sponsor yet, but you know.
Should be.
Should be.
DaVinci should sponsor us.
Yeah.
Well, let's get started with this dumb ass podcast,
shall we?
Like let's fucking do it.
It's definitely not good.
Yeah.
Our first wheels are John Raweel.
(13:47):
What are we making today?
Mm-hmm.
Brr, brr, brr.
Brr, brr, brr, brr.
Ah!
You've been here before, you know, if you're ready for it.
A time travel adventure.
Let's go.
Okay.
I feel like we did this too.
Yeah?
No, no, we did, it was a fire.
Yeah, but didn't he go on time travel?
(14:09):
Not in your story, no.
Yeah, we did try and travel in another story though.
But hopefully your character will survive this time.
Yes.
I'm just trying to do it then too well for her.
Nope.
He went crazy.
He was crazy.
Andy Arson.
I drew him, that was crazy.
Andy Arson.
Our next wheel is our setting.
Where are we taking place?
Let's find out.
Come here, spin it!
(14:30):
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
The backyard.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Formulating.
So you built a time machine in his backyard, man?
You know, I have the thought of like building a time capsule
in my backyard.
A time capsule.
And just like keeping it there and seeing, you know,
what happens.
It's not open until 3,005?
(14:51):
Just like, you know, they'll find it someday.
But I don't think that,
is that, I guess that is time traveling a little,
in a sense, kind of.
It's a boring way to time travel.
The most boring way to time travel is at speed.
Yeah.
White.
Our next wheel is our character job.
What's our job of the main character?
Spinning!
Ah!
It's spinning!
Ah, the wheel is spinning!
(15:12):
It's, ah, they're a gum cleaner.
Mm.
They're using gum.
Yeah, you know those guys that go with the things
on the sidewalk and they clean up all the gum?
Yeah.
Yeah, you want to know.
For those who don't know, in Seattle,
there is a gum wall that is just a wall
of people putting their gum on it.
When you start walking towards it,
it's very bad.
(15:33):
It's a bad smell.
And it's very gross and unsanitary.
It's a minty, fresh smell.
Don't do that to them.
Our next wheel is our character flaw.
What is the flaw of the gum cleaner?
Yeah!
It's the job itself.
God, I'm gonna throw up.
I'm so sick right now.
Oh, god, my God.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Ha, ha, ha.
(15:54):
Being followed by a crow that don't like him.
That's wild.
This is an interesting plot.
Ha, ha, ha.
This is a very interesting plot.
I think plot is a stretch.
You know, like, I don't know, like.
Ha, ha, ha.
I saw a shit ton of crows out there, actually, today.
So, no.
And not a bad omen.
I don't, they're just eating rats and stuff, man.
I don't know.
(16:14):
It's not a shit ton, it's called a murder.
Oh, sorry, a murder of crows.
Right, right, right.
I saw a murder of crows.
Is that the right term?
Yeah, it's a murder.
That's scary.
They're fine.
And they're eating rats.
I fucking love crows, man.
Look, it's a genocide of crows.
Yeah, the genocides.
Our.
(16:35):
It's a pandemic of squirrels.
Our second to last wheel is our antagonist.
Dang, Dagonis.
Who is the bad person in the story.
What is he, what is he, what is he, what is he, what is he.
A kid with a super soaker.
Nice.
What the fuck is happening.
I don't know, but it's definitely not good.
(16:56):
All right, so to recap, we have a time travel story
that takes place in the backyard.
Our main character is a gum collector
who is being followed by a murder of crows
and the main villain is a kid with a super soaker.
Kid with a super soaker.
Nice.
That's good.
Yeah, Artistic, would you like to play our gum collector?
Yeah, yeah, that's great, that's great.
(17:17):
Love it.
What's like a good name for this gum collector?
A good name for the gum collector.
I feel like Charles.
Charles?
W.
That's a good name, Charles.
Phone call.
Charles W. Phone call.
My volume is off, so I don't know why this happened.
And it's scam likely, so now I feel insulted.
(17:38):
Damn, scam most definitely.
Definitely scam.
Scam probably.
Scam probably.
I like probably better than likely.
I don't even, they should have did that in all these ones.
Scam probably.
Charles W. Charles.
Okay, okay, yeah.
He picked the best name twice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Man, and we have to somehow make it a time,
(18:00):
I feel like we gotta put our heads together for this one.
How do we make a time travel?
And it'll hurt at first,
and then we'll come up with a story.
I feel like it's gonna be,
the time travel is gonna come from one of the old pieces
of gum, the oldest piece of gum.
Oh wow.
That he had to scrape up.
Whoa.
It's a magic piece of gum maybe?
Sure.
And he starts chewing on it?
(18:22):
Could be, could be by accident that he chews on it.
Could be on purpose, we don't know his habits yet.
We don't know what kind of freak this guy is.
Interesting.
This guy's Charles, W. Charles.
So we're gonna start on a very large hill in a mansion.
It belongs to Edwin Godfrey.
Okay.
You know?
That's a good name.
(18:42):
He is a white man with big glasses.
He did very well because he made,
you know like peanuts?
Yeah, his family made those.
Wow.
He made peanuts.
Yeah.
Okay, nice.
His name was actually just Edwin Peanut.
Edwin Peanut Godfrey.
And Charles is knocking on the door, the door opens,
(19:03):
and Edwin is there chewing on some peanuts, you know?
Oh, you must be Charles.
Yeah, that's me.
Hey, nice to meet you.
Charles W. Charles.
Okay, all right.
I'm Edwin, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, Edwin.
I heard you're pretty good with collecting gum.
Yeah, that's why I'm here today.
I'm trying to go door to door
and influence people that they need my services.
(19:23):
All right, well come on in.
Hope you're not allergic to peanuts.
Not at all.
Just gum on the ground.
Okay, yeah.
Well, let's scoot on in.
He looks past Charles and there's like a murderer crow
who's just standing on the street looking at him.
He's like, what the fuck?
Friends of yours?
Yeah, yeah, they don't really go anywhere.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe they like the gum that I missed behind or something.
(19:45):
I can't figure it out.
Huh, okay, well, I'll sit up.
It'll just be you.
Yeah.
But you're not allowed in.
You're not, go, go, shoot, shoot, shoot.
Tries to shoot him away, but then you're like.
Stay here.
Stay here.
The door closes and they go inside,
but outside from the bushes comes the crow master.
(20:06):
Nuckety, will you play the crow master for us?
Yeah.
And he's speaking to the crows monologuing.
Please, please go for it.
My crow brothers.
Yeah.
Today will be the day that we group this man.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cause at one time when we were in the park
and he had a hot dog and he wouldn't give it to us.
(20:29):
And then he swore to the crows.
And then he closed the lid.
We couldn't get to it.
Son of a bitch, he's dead.
He's a dead man.
One of the crows on your shoulder poops.
Thank you.
All right, and he goes back into the bush.
Cut to, we're in the backyard now of Edwin's estate.
(20:50):
And this is a very large backyard.
It's like, ooh, it's like the size of a playground.
I would say.
Wow.
Your backyard is the size of a playground.
Pretty nice, right?
Very, very nice.
This actually used to be a playground and we, you know.
What'd you do with the kids?
Oh, you know, they're, fuck them kids.
Kids?
(21:10):
Who's that one in the corner?
Oh, that's Billy.
Hey, Billy.
Billy.
Huh, huh?
What'd I tell you about sneaking back here?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm my pole.
Okay, hey, I'm gonna push the button.
No, don't push the button.
I'm gonna push the button.
Please don't push the button.
I'm pushing the button.
Once he pushes the button, like two AI robots come out
and tase him and.
(21:32):
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, the kids, nah.
Did he drop a piece of gum?
Oh yeah, I think he did.
Yeah, come on, let me clean that up real quick.
Let me show you how well this works.
Yeah, let me see, let me see.
How does he clean it up?
It's the gum scooper, 62,000.
62,000? 62,000.
There's five other versions of this.
Yes.
Okay, so what does it do?
(21:52):
This one also has AI stuff in it
to where it can tell me how thick the gum is.
Oh.
You know?
And I always know what kind of flavor it was
and how long they chewed
and whether they had teeth or not.
And.
You know, useful information.
Definitely, definitely.
And the ones with no teeth
usually keep the flavor in the gum.
So if you really wanted to reuse it, you could.
(22:13):
Wow.
Okay.
Well, that might be pretty handy
because the reason I called you here
is because we have something a little,
maybe a little bit different than your normal job.
I'll cut to the chase.
We have a primordial gum
that my great, great, great grandpa
placed over a seal underground,
(22:33):
kind of keeping time afloat.
And as soon as it opens, it gets real bad.
It gets real, real bad.
We just need you to take that gum out,
seal it back up, and then restore time.
Restore time?
Yeah.
So we're in a time distortion?
Well, so it's like the, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, time gets a little funky when you get close to each.
(22:54):
Time gets a little funky.
You're gonna, you know, you're gonna have some.
Okay, so I would be a hero in this scenario.
Well, I mean, I would be the hero.
I'm the one who hired you.
But yeah, something like that.
Any questions?
Let's do it.
All right.
No question.
I love no questions.
That's great.
Let's do it.
And by the way, here's some complimentary peanuts for you.
(23:16):
Nice.
Nice, I love this.
I'm back.
It's okay, you can eat them right now.
I'm watching.
Right now?
Yeah, I like to see the reaction of these nuts.
Is this some type of kink?
No.
Uh, well, you know, you don't kiss and tell.
I don't know what that means.
I mean, if I have to do this to save the world,
guess I'm gonna eat these nuts.
Yeah, eat these nuts.
(23:37):
Well.
Salty.
Lightly used.
He loves it, everybody.
Good nuts.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Just tell them what's in the bag.
It's just two nuts.
Peanuts are legumes.
All right, well, so in the,
in quadrant four of the backyard,
(23:59):
behind some trees, you're gonna find the primordial gum.
It is peanut flavored.
Just make sure nothing else gets back there,
because there's a lot of stuff going on behind that gum.
I don't even know what's happening,
but you gotta seal it up as soon as you take up that gum.
It just smells really bad.
Okay, sounds great.
Awesome.
And you don't like charge like a tip or anything for this,
(24:20):
do you?
Tip?
No, not at all.
You just pay my worth, man.
That's all.
Pay your worth.
I like, see, I like that.
I like being able to choose how much money I pay
as a person who's very wealthy.
I love that.
Okay, let's get you started.
So some time passes, and we see kind of on the fence,
the crow master with his crows is kind of watching
(24:43):
as he's approaching this like primordial gum.
And you do notice that time is distorting a little bit.
There's some weird alien stuff happening.
You notice like kind of some white hairs
are kind of growing a little bit on your hairs.
You get kind of younger and kind of older at the same time.
It's something strange.
Birds fly by all slow and shit.
What the fuck is going on back here?
(25:05):
I told you, time distortion, man.
I don't know.
It's real weird.
It's real weird, but.
Yo, what was that over there?
Huh?
Oh.
Is that, is that a man dressed in a crow suit?
Yeah, I don't.
See, there's a story about this, man.
I won't make it drawn and logged out or whatever.
But yeah, I had a hot dog and I just got full
(25:27):
and didn't want to finish it.
And I threw it in the trash.
And for some reason he took it personal
and he just has been following me ever since.
He took it personal.
It's really hard to pick up chicks these days.
You know what you are doing.
No, stop it.
But yeah, it's just, I don't know.
My things will be mine.
Do you have any hot dogs by chance?
Maybe if I just.
(25:48):
Yeah, oh no.
That's enabling.
No, sorry.
I don't have any hot dogs.
But I am gonna get my little kid to shoot at him though.
I hope that's okay.
Hey, Trevor.
Trevor, can you get out here?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, can you shoot that weird guy in the suit?
With a super shot?
You just shot him.
Just sitting in the middle.
It's like a super-shoker shotgun.
(26:10):
Oh.
Oh.
Ah!
He like falls down.
Just keep it on me.
All right, and Trevor's gonna actually follow you.
He's like an apprentice kind of shadowing the common man,
like kind of the common worm of society.
So he wants to kind of know how they work.
Got it, got it, got it.
All right, I'm gonna go inside and have an orgy.
(26:31):
So I'll see you guys later.
God damn.
It's four o'clock, so orgy time.
So now it's just Trevor and,
what was your character's name again?
Charles W. Charles.
Charles W. Charles and Trevor.
And Nuckety, you're playing Trevor?
Trevor's the little boy.
Yeah, with a super-shoker shotgun.
Yeah.
(26:52):
Nice, so what do you do?
I shoot him with the shotgun.
Right in the stupid face!
Dang, so that water, the water hurts, actually.
It comes out really fast.
It comes out really fast.
It comes out in like bullets that actually,
like small water balloon bullets that explode on impact.
So you take like a bruise, actually.
Bean bag gun, I'm almost saying.
(27:12):
Yeah, you had like a bean bag but with water.
Now your whole freaking face and shoulders are wet.
Ha ha ha, yeah!
Trevor, how old are you?
I'm old enough.
Why do you have a shotgun?
Because my dad doesn't give a fuck.
Yeah, I say cool stuff like fuck.
So can you lead me to this gum that I need to remove?
Yeah, it's right over there.
(27:33):
He shoots the gun at it.
Boom!
When he shoots at the gum, it actually gets worse,
the distortion.
It's like going, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.
What the fuck is this?
Yeah, it doesn't like water.
Then why would you shoot it, Trevor?
Because I know you gotta go play with it,
so I'm gonna make it worse and agitated
and get it all red.
You start hearing a voice.
(27:53):
Droom gum, gum, gum.
Uh oh, uh oh.
Well, does he know I'm not afraid of gum?
I got my gum scooper 62,000.
The voice echoes again.
Droom gum, gum.
I don't have all day, Trevor.
I don't really feel comfortable around you,
(28:13):
but I don't mean around a kid alone in the woods.
Nice shoes.
You shoot your shoes.
Lucky I don't like these.
Yeah, my scooper says that this gum, what the fuck?
Why is there a question mark on the H?
Oh, oh.
This is, I've never seen this.
I know.
As he's, so he scoops up the gum
(28:34):
and as he's analyzing it, time stops.
Like this distortion now just goes everywhere within time.
Whoa.
And a guy comes out, his name's Felix.
He's old and he says,
I said don't remove the gum, damn it.
Oh, didn't you hear what I was saying?
Don't remove the gum.
No, out of your shit.
(28:55):
Oh, I was like, who the hell are you?
God dang it.
Oh man, oh, sorry.
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Felix, the scientist who was trying to stop time
from distorting and you ruined it.
It's all ruined now.
Now it's all distorted and stuff.
Damn it.
Nobody told me this fuck.
I don't know what this fucking bad ass kid, Trevor.
I knew, but I was gonna tell you.
(29:16):
What did you do?
What happened with the gum?
What did you do?
The gum, all I did was scoop it
and he shot it with a fucking shotgun water gun.
You put water on the primordial gum?
I didn't do it, Trevor did it.
No, he did it, he did it.
He made me do it, he told me to do it.
No, you piece of shit runt.
Oh, all right, okay.
He said shoot it with the water,
shoot it with the water, that'll make it calm down.
And I was like, I don't think that's how it works.
(29:37):
You can do it anyway.
Listen to me very carefully, guys.
We have to go into the time distortion
and put the gum back where it was before
and then exit out and then put it back
into the physical world for us to actually save time.
Otherwise, it's gonna be like this forever.
Time's gonna stop and it'll just be us three.
Oh yeah, that sounds like a lot of words.
(29:57):
Well, it's not just us three.
I got a bunch of crows that kinda follow me.
Is it that guy dressed in the crow?
Yeah.
I would have my women.
Yeah, I own my hot dog.
I'm not gonna, there's some more important things
happening right now than this.
We have to go into the time distortion.
You guys caused this, so we have to fix it, all right?
You need us to go?
Sounds like you know what's happening here.
(30:17):
I know exactly what's happening.
I've been stopping it for this whole time.
Then why am I going?
You can just stop it.
Because you're the one who did, you have the gum.
You're the chosen one.
Yeah, man, you're the chosen one.
Piece of shit, kid.
You're going too, kid.
What?
Come on, man, I don't wanna go in there.
You gotta take responsibility.
He grabs both. That's bull crap.
He grabs both your shirts and throws you.
He pushes you into the time portal.
(30:40):
You're so good.
Yeah.
And you guys are floating through a tunnel of time.
You see just all these moments just cascading,
a film roll just showing the tapestry of it all.
My fellow Americans.
Hawk two, spin on that thing.
(31:01):
I'm being born, I'm being pushed back in.
And you guys are on the outskirts of time.
We'll call this the outer world or something.
Okay. Sure.
The outer world.
And so what it is is imagine a void space
where you see plants, nature all over the world,
(31:23):
but plants are growing and decaying at a rapid pace.
The trees are coming alive, dying,
coming back to life, dying.
Time is just ongoing here.
Usually people are pretty surprised by what they see.
You guys are just okay with this?
No, dude, I played Hogwarts Legacy.
I deal with gum.
This doesn't influence me at all.
(31:44):
As long as you have the gum on you,
you're immune to the time distortion.
But this is outside of time.
As you can see, everything is alive and dying.
And this whole time I've been here
making sure no one messes with the gum.
You didn't hear me say don't touch the gum?
No, all I heard was gum.
What is, hold on, what is Edwin doing?
He was supposed to make sure no one opened the time portal.
(32:06):
He told me to open a goddamn time portal.
He's in another orgy.
He never has time for me.
Oh, that mother sucker.
He told me to stay here.
He's just trying to get those stocks up, isn't he?
Little stocks up that ass.
Ah.
Okay, all right.
We have to go to the Castle of Midnight Torture, okay?
It's that castle way over there.
That doesn't sound funny.
Hold on, hold on.
(32:26):
Yes?
Castle of what?
Midnight Torture.
That's what I thought you said.
I don't like that.
Yeah, yeah, vampire lives there
who feeds off the time and feeds off of suffering.
You're not making it better.
And I mean, that doesn't matter, guys.
We gotta put the gum on behind his throne
in this little corner.
I can show you where it's at.
But you gotta put it there.
You've been there?
Yeah, I mean, I don't wanna get too much into it.
(32:47):
But yeah, I'm familiar with the Castle of Midnight Torture.
I know.
They used to date.
We did not date, okay?
It was one-sided.
But listen, we gotta go there now, guys, all right?
Any questions?
No? Good?
All right, let's go.
He throws a capsule and it poofs.
And there's now a four-person car.
Wow. Wow.
(33:08):
Can you drive?
Because I can't reach the pedals.
Yeah, I imagine.
I'm just a little boy.
Fucking piece of shit.
Listen here, kid.
I'm gonna let you hold onto that super soaker,
but you better not shoot anything else.
Water is very, very stable.
Ah!
Did you see that thing?
No, what did you do?
He shoots at some grass.
And the grass grows and it forms into a monster.
(33:30):
Whoa.
Like a group, about three or four grass humanoid monsters
that are decaying, coming alive, dying, coming alive.
Okay, we gotta go.
They're coming after us.
You do not wanna die outside of time.
You do not.
Don't do it, guys.
It's not like we're gonna die.
It's worse.
It's way worse.
He pushes the pedal to the metal and he goes,
(33:51):
we're gonna take a short break.
Okay.
We'll get right back to this gumtastic story.
This is definitely not good, for sure.
Don't go anywhere.
Cut!
Hey, we're back and we have another sponsor.
Let's spin that sponsor wheel.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
(34:12):
Ah!
Thank you for that.
That was good.
Hey, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah.
See, it's good when two people are making noises
and then it's not just, it's good, it's good.
Yeah, my throat hurts.
But today's episode is also brought to you by Questions.
This episode is proudly sponsored by Questions.
What?
What do you guys, how do you guys feel about Questions?
Good example.
(34:33):
How do you guys feel about Questions?
Well, what do you mean by that?
I mean, I could ask you the same thing.
That's interesting because I'm not really sure
where this goes.
Does anybody else have any idea of how these things work?
Man, why are you over there asking all them questions?
You know what I like more than questions?
What do you like more than questions?
Man, nothing.
You know what I mean?
Isn't there a game, a fucking HOOZ line game
(34:55):
where they have to ask everything as a question?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's tough.
That shit is so hard, I can't do that.
I'm not that good at improv, nigga.
You know what's cool, like, asking questions
without actually asking a question,
like how you say a word, like, yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
I thought, like, how British people talk
because they end statements with questions.
So I was walking to the mall and I saw, like, a bird.
(35:17):
I went to the mall, yeah.
Do you guys like questions or answers more?
Hmm, I think answers.
You like answers more than questions.
Imagine somebody asking you 12 questions in a row.
Oh, no.
That's a lot.
And then, like, there's nothing really you can do
to answer them and they just keep asking you questions.
I feel like I would be angry.
(35:38):
I got some people that send me text messages,
it's like 40 questions, and I try to answer them in order.
Yeah, I do the same.
Like, even when I respond to somebody's messages,
it's all in order.
So it's like, I don't want any more questions after this.
I'm like, yes, no, stop that.
It's interesting because, like, questions are innocent,
but answers are, like, definite.
But they could be lies.
(35:58):
Answers, so it's like.
Answers could be deceit.
Right, right.
That's true.
So shout out to Questions.
Thanks for sponsoring us today.
Yeah, thanks, Questions.
Oh my God. Thank you.
I got a question for you.
How you doing?
I don't know, fuck, I don't know.
I, sometimes I got something,
sometimes I don't.
Sometimes you don't, and that's okay.
(36:20):
And that's okay, that's the point of the game.
That's why we're doing this shit.
We do this every fucking week, so.
Definitely not good, ladies and gentlemen.
Where we last left off, oh, thank you, Questions.
Thank you, Questions.
Thank you, Questions.
Where we last left off, Charles W. Charles,
the gum collector, has found himself in a predicament.
He has opened a portal, removing a gum,
(36:41):
to the outer world, outside of time,
and now he must go to the Castle of Midnight Torture
to undo the time distortion,
maybe collect some gum along the way,
and keep his enemies' arms length.
The kid with the super soaker is shooting stuff.
I did it worse.
(37:02):
And what's that?
Oh yeah, the guy in a crow costume
with his murder of crows is also following.
Yeah, we like to throw a wrench in an already broken story.
This one's broken, so let's throw that wrench
and spin that one more wheel.
Yeah, I'm gonna do it!
Rinch, wrench, spin the wheel.
Yeah, I'm gonna do it!
(37:25):
Kimchi.
Kimchi?
Kimchi.
So they're driving, you know,
and you can see that this is like a,
it's very far to get to the Castle of Midnight Torture.
We're gonna be on the road for a while, guys,
so I got some kimchi in the back.
You just open up, like, kind of the drawer next to-
Just kimchi.
Just kimchi in there.
It's the only, you know what's strange?
(37:46):
Is it's the only thing immune to time?
It's kimchi.
Wow. Really?
Yeah, it's just crazy because-
Anything else like hamburgers, it just doesn't work.
I consider kimchi like vegetable gum.
Like, that's it.
It's very interesting.
That's why you say, you're actually smarter
than you look, actually, Mr. Sir.
Yeah, you don't look very smart.
Thank you.
What's your name, Charles?
Charles, W. Charles.
As we're, they're talking, you know,
(38:07):
what's the super soaker kid doing?
Oh, he's shooting out the window.
Stop doing that!
Doing what? Stop doing that!
He's taking more creatures as he's doing that.
They're following him.
Fucking Trevor!
I've never met a good Trevor ever in my life.
There's always bad Trevers.
Trevers are always bad.
Fuck!
Put some respect on my name, dude.
Stop being bad, Trevor.
Why'd you let him keep the gun?
I don't know.
I'm not good with confrontation.
Oh, try taking my gun.
(38:27):
Just try, just try, buddy.
This is America, son.
The murder of Crow's guy is on a motorcycle.
Don't ask me how he got it.
But he is following-
The motorcycles made out of the Crows?
Yeah, yeah, thank you.
Exactly, yeah.
He looks like Crow Rick from Rick and Morty.
You remember Crow Rick?
Crow Rick.
No, I was thinking more like Ghost Rider,
but that works.
Oh, I did.
(38:48):
I kinda like that.
Crow Rick was a fucking savage.
Yeah, absolutely.
So we're gonna be here for a while.
Eat some kimchi.
I gotta ask you, Charles, why are you a gum collector?
How did you, what are you doing here?
Well, all my life, I just-
As to fight?
Yes.
And I just knew that gum was just the issue.
It was just an issue, man.
Everywhere you step, new shoes, gum on the bottom of it.
(39:10):
I feel like gum is worse than dog shit.
You just step in gum and it's just, it's hard to get off.
Dog shit, you can just scrape it.
Just go walk, go for a walk.
I mean, I couldn't disagree more.
All I have left with my wife is this piece of gum
that she left, pulls out in the glove drawer.
It's like a piece of paper.
It's a photo of him and her,
and then there's gum stuck on the back.
(39:32):
I just wish I knew how she felt in those last days.
There's a beep and they're like, okay, man.
If only there was some kind of device
that would tell me the details of this gum.
You know, just-
Lucky for you, I have the gum scooper 62,000.
Say what, the 62,000?
(39:52):
I have a 62,000 gum scooper.
I thought they discontinued after 4,000.
No.
Holy cannoli.
How long have you been down here, man?
Oh my God, it's been, wait,
MySpace is still a thing, right?
What's MySpace?
Oh my God, what the, okay.
Quickly, can you put this gum?
I want to know what she was thinking when,
please, please do something with the gum.
(40:13):
Here's this.
It says she had no teeth.
Is that accurate?
Yes, yes.
Quite rude.
But yes.
She died from old age, okay?
(40:33):
The gum is only about three centimeters chewed.
There's lots of flavor in here, man.
Yeah, she did.
I like strawberries.
She liked suicide gum.
Now, with it being here, I don't have a test on the age,
but I can tell that there's still some flavor in this.
Still some flavor?
There's just so, I know a lot of people don't know this,
but if you chew on this gum,
(40:55):
you can feel what the last person was feeling.
Is that true?
It's very true.
Okay, all right, I'm gonna park real quick.
Pulls over, and they're still following, by the way.
Real slow, though, not fast.
Okay, those are called Primordial Beasts.
Don't worry about them.
All right, I'm gonna chew it.
All right, I'm coming, Lisa, I'm coming.
He chews it.
(41:19):
Oh, shit, I guess she was feeling choked.
I'm choking on the gum.
She'll be like, Trevor, shoot him in the stomach.
Shoot him in the stomach.
Yeah.
Shoot him in the stomach.
One more time, Trevor.
He dies.
Should I shoot him again?
Fuck it, one more time, Trevor.
Yeah, he's good, he's gone.
He's gone.
(41:40):
So he is dead and wet.
And wet.
And the motorcycle crow man pulls up.
What does he do?
At least my revenge.
What do you want from me, man?
You know what I want.
I don't.
I want num nums.
(42:01):
Num nums.
Yes, num nums.
Mothers, attack.
Wait, wait, wait, I have a proposition.
Hold on.
Huh?
If we make it to the Midnight Castle of Torture,
is that what it's called?
Trevor, what the fuck was the castle called?
I don't, I don't, I don't, I wasn't listening, man.
I'm just here.
All right, well, crow man,
there's all kinds of num nums in the Murder Castle.
(42:23):
Oh.
This could be your chance to have
unlimited num nums forever.
Num num, unlimited num nums you say?
So just follow us and watch out for the humanoids.
Trevor likes to shoot things.
Shoot some of the faces.
Like, get in the son of a bitch.
They're approaching very rapidly now.
They're like, they're just like an army of them coming now.
We need to get out of here.
One of the crows are picking at Felix's face,
(42:45):
taking the skin off.
Wait, wait, can you have one of your crows
grab the gum from the stone?
Brian, can you get the gum?
Give it, inside, on the inside.
Brian!
All right, thank you.
All right, so now, who's driving?
Obviously not Trevor.
Trevor can't reach.
All right, so Charles is driving the car
and they're making it up this hill
(43:06):
and there is a bridge, they go across it,
it's really clanky, and they reach like two guards
dressed in black armor.
Who goes there?
I'm outta here.
Wait, come back here.
Grab him by the collar.
This is Trevor, he's gonna introduce himself first.
Here, you go first.
My name is Trevor McBurger Balls.
(43:28):
Trevor McBurger Balls, you are not welcomed here.
Come on, man!
Leave or we will skewer you in two.
Come on!
Why is he not allowed here?
He's not on the guest list, right?
How do we get on the guest list?
You must present us with an artifact.
Mm.
Mm.
(43:49):
Whoop, I got nothing, I'll just see you in the car.
All right, hold on, hold on.
Wait, what is that?
Went to the super soaker.
This is my blasto.
5,000.
We will accept the blasto 5,000.
Will you now, huh?
Yes, and then you may have entry.
I only have five more of these, man.
(44:10):
Give it here.
He extends his hand.
And what does he do?
He gives him the stupid blasto.
So when it touches his hand, his hand melts
because the water on it.
What is this substance?
Ugh, ugh!
You are, you are trespassers!
Trevor, quicksit the other one.
(44:31):
It's just a little toilet water, dude.
What's wrong with you?
Attack them!
He goes in with his spear
and he's about to skewer Trevor.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Does he try and dodge it?
What does he do?
Oh yeah, he dodges the fuck out of it.
Oh shit, he dodges it.
Little kids are nimble.
He like rolls and then he shoots it,
because he plays Fortnite.
He knows, he knows kind of.
He loves Fortnite.
He does the flop stance.
Shoots it in the face.
(44:51):
He shoots the other one in the face and they both melt.
Ah!
I've been playing Fortnite on VR all day.
Nice.
They turned into gum.
They turned into gum.
Yeah.
Wow.
Good gum or like, not good gum?
Not good gum.
Oh no.
This isn't good gum.
This gum is terrible.
This is bad gum.
(45:11):
Why are we, do we just go inside or?
I guess we should keep going.
I guess we go inside.
Crowman, you ready to keep going?
Ah!
Crowman, does your,
do you think your crows will like this not good gum?
My crows love gum!
It's definitely not good gum.
It's branded.
The crows stick behind and eat the gum.
(45:33):
And they slowly transform as they eat it,
but they just keep eating it.
What does the crowman do?
He, he, he, he joins in on the eating of the gum.
Okay.
They don't know how to chew, they just swallow it.
Right, right, right, right.
He doesn't have any teeth.
He just has like a,
he has a beak.
Beak?
Yeah, he has a beak.
He surgically had a beak attached to his face
(45:54):
and it don't have no teeth on it.
So he just picks him up and like a duck.
Wow, wild.
He's going all in on the crow thing, isn't he?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Some people would like that, you know?
There's a girl, I seen a girl recently
who had surgery to make herself look like a horse.
Wild.
Yeah.
Wild horse.
Yeah.
It's not, it's not not disturbing.
(46:15):
Moving on.
Trevor and Charles make their way into the throne room
of Castle Midnight Torture.
You see a long foyer leading up to a staircase
with a large elaborate red and gold carpet.
You open the doors and you see a single man sitting
at the top of the throne playing the organ.
(46:37):
No girlfriend, huh?
Yeah, he's just playing the organ
and it's absolutely beautiful.
And as soon as you get within a certain length,
he stops playing the organ and turns around.
Is he wearing half of a mask?
Like the Phantom?
No, he has a very ugly face.
This is the best guy.
(46:57):
That guy's ugly.
Holy shit, I've never seen anybody so ugly.
Well, well, well.
It seems I have some visitors.
Your voice matches your face, man.
Very, very much so.
It's pretty much the same,
that's exactly what I thought.
Welcome to the Castle of Midnight Torture.
I am Bartholomew.
Are you here to be tortured?
(47:19):
Trevorous.
What?
No.
This little boy here wants to be tortured.
That's not what, no, I never said that.
You're a little too young to be tortured, young man.
You on the other hand are of age, so are you ready?
And youth comes into play once again.
Can I have some words first?
Can I do a couple of things?
Oh, you want like a safe word.
Okay, what's your safe word?
(47:41):
Gum.
Oh, great, great.
That's a good safe word, man.
All right, well, so there's like a spike pit right there
and there's like a table right there.
Oh, there's also like a gum thing
where like you can like be tortured by gum.
It's cause it's a new addition actually.
That actually sounds interesting.
(48:01):
Bobby, Ronnie, Ricky, am I?
But can I sit on your throne chair?
Oh, that's a little kinky, but all right, sure.
I mean, it might smell a little bit.
I've been here for a while.
I can tell. A while.
All right, yeah, go ahead.
Yeah, seats yours.
All right. Stands up.
So I'm gonna go sit by the chair
and then insert the gum behind it in the corner still.
Yeah. That's how we, damn,
(48:23):
did we get the rest of the rules
of how to get out of this place?
I don't think we did, man.
Did we just, Phoenix died or what is his name?
Felix is dead. Felix, Felix is dead.
Yeah, Felix died.
Well, he said that I needed to put the gum on a chair.
And I guess- Something about that.
I guess I'm just gonna do that and see what happens.
Yeah. Let's do it.
You see like a crack, like an ethereal crack,
glowing crack in the back of his chair
(48:45):
that some kind of stream of energy is spewing out of it.
What do you do?
I'm going to insert the gum that I took from Felix,
his dead wife.
I'm gonna put that right there.
Yeah. That one.
So as soon as it's sealed up- Sealed the crack.
Just like, there's just like the entire area around you
starts to slowly decay.
(49:06):
Not as fast as it was before,
but the whole castle itself and the people within it
are just slowly decaying.
It's like the life is being drained from everything.
What did you do?
Nothing. Oh, what did you do?
Nothing. I didn't do anything.
Oh, my beautiful hair. My hair. My hair.
It wasn't beautiful. Oh my God.
It was not beautiful.
Hold on. Mirror. Let me see a mirror.
He's a vampire, so he doesn't see anything.
(49:28):
Ah, I can't see myself.
You.
Guards, get them.
Driver, quick, super soaker.
Ah!
Just maul them. Just taking them out, man.
Just shoot them.
He's like a Fortnite expert.
And so what do you guys do
as these guards are being taken down?
Are you running?
I'm picking them up because they're turning in the gum,
and I hate gum on the floor.
Like, I can't stand that.
(49:49):
So I have to get the gum up before we can get to run.
Why are you taking all my people from me?
What are you doing?
I'm doing my duty.
I'm cleaning up these streets.
That duty.
My face. My beautiful face.
Ah!
And he turns in the gum also.
I'm taking all of the gum with me.
Like, there's no chance I'm leaving anything on the ground.
So there's just, you just have a big thing of gum with you
(50:13):
now, like a Santa Claus of gum.
Right.
Is that a glass container on your back?
Like, those fucking ghostbusters?
There was a casket over there,
and I put it on my back, and it's full of gum,
and we're just gonna leave with it.
Yum, yum, yum.
All right, so. It's wet.
You guys exit the castle,
and you notice that it is starting to decay,
(50:33):
starting to fall and crumble.
We didn't talk about it before,
but there's like clocks with wings flying around and shit.
Right, absolutely, yeah.
And as you exit out and look out into the horizon,
you see that this army that was initially following you
has created more of itself.
Wow.
Because it's like, it's duplicated,
and there's like an actual army of people now,
an army of these creatures.
(50:55):
Because if you take a piece of gum
and you split it in half,
now you've just got two pieces of gum.
So now there's just a bunch of monsters.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And they are slowly making their way to you, Charles.
What do you do?
This army is coming.
Hmm, what do I do?
This is hard.
Are they in my way of leaving?
(51:16):
Yeah. Okay, then.
I think I'm going to go back and take the gum off the chair
so we can reverse it.
And because they're all in the casket already,
they're gonna suffocate each other.
Oh, wow.
And then we're the ones that are crawling,
you're gonna shoot them with the super soaker.
That's a pretty good plan, man.
Unfortunately, the super soaker's out.
I'm out of toilet water, man.
Shit, that was a terrible plan.
(51:39):
As they get closer,
you see a freaking crazy-ass large black creature
like come from your peripheral,
like kind of landing with its large wings,
and he puts a single hand up,
and the entire army halts.
He turns around, and it's the crow man.
(51:59):
Holy shit, crow man.
Turns out I have a lot of power down here.
I knew this would work out.
Him eating the gum, actually, he became one
with the essence of whatever gum people-
He swallowed so much gum.
Yeah, he swallowed a lot of gum.
A lot of gum.
Now he's just able to communicate with them.
His crows can't even fly anywhere,
(52:20):
they swallowed so much gum.
Yeah, they just roll around now.
Like, fuck.
Jesus, like chickens, they just can't fly.
They went from crows into gum chickens.
Black chickens.
Black gum chickens.
As they're walking, they start to part and divide
because the crow man is kind of controlling them,
and they're walking, and they got a long way to go,
(52:43):
but they see the car on the other end.
What do they say to each other?
Who, the crow man and Charles?
Yeah.
Crow man.
Charles.
I'm so deeply sorry about how we met.
You know what?
My God's bad.
Sorry, I'm really full of gum.
I can tell.
And it's helped you.
(53:03):
It's helped me.
You know, I was really thin before,
and now I gained some weight.
And now, look at me now.
Are you going to be coming back with us?
You know, I think I'm gonna stay down here.
I think I'm gonna stay down here.
What about the crows?
No, my brothers will be fine with me.
(53:23):
They like it too, they enjoy the gum.
Nice.
Well, I guess this is gonna be farewell then.
I guess so.
I bid thee adieu.
Ha ha.
Can I ask you a question?
Uh, I don't really like questions.
Can I give you answers?
Yes, answers are good.
You make a really good crow.
Thanks, man.
(53:46):
And they get into the car, drive off on the sunset.
The sunset is also distorting.
It's not really, this world is fucking weird.
It's wacky down here.
Yeah.
Some time passes and they have just exited the other side
of the backyard fence where the portal is.
You have that primordial gum and you seal it back up
(54:09):
with the gum and Edwin comes out.
Hey Charles.
He's wearing a robe and he's like
dabbing himself with a towel.
Yeah, well, you got done faster than I thought you would.
Yeah, I'm an expert.
Can I ask why you're putting the gum back on the fence?
Because you fucking lied to me, sir.
You fucking lied.
Lied?
What do you mean?
(54:29):
I went down there.
You didn't even, did you know that there was a down there?
Wait, I thought you were talking about the peanuts.
I didn't lie about the peanuts.
Like the peanuts were good.
No, not the peanuts, the gum.
The gum, oh.
Oh, the gum.
Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You met Felix, yeah?
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, old coworker.
Uh, you know, kind of sold some stocks.
I had to take care of him, but is he doing all right?
(54:51):
Yeah, yeah, he's no longer here.
You can ask your son Trevor about him.
Yeah, he's dead, dad.
Oh, I can't say I'm too sad about that, but okay.
I guess he's gone.
He was your brother.
You know how I told you that you could pay me whatever?
Yeah.
No, that's no longer a deal.
Oh, free is good.
No, free is no longer the deal.
And if you don't give me what I asked for,
(55:12):
I'm exposing you.
Whoa, okay, well, what do you want?
We're going to make peanut gum,
and I'm getting 57% of the steak.
How about 10%?
60.
5% and I don't kill you?
75, and I already got Crowman sending some letters
to the government right now.
(55:33):
He left some crows over here.
He's going to come for your business.
Crowman, he looks up and he sees just a murder of crows.
Murders and murders of crows.
So many fucking crows.
They block out the sun.
Okay, so, um, maybe the 50% is not bad.
I can do 50%.
We can do 50%.
Shake on it. Shake on it.
Their hands get stuck because there's gum.
(55:54):
Yeah, I was going to say, a piece of gum on my hand.
Oh, gross.
I have some stuff on my hand too, but don't worry about that.
And as we see Charles, you know,
he's kind of packing up his gear.
He's putting it in the back of his van
and he's still in his pocket,
has that picture of Felix and his old wife.
(56:15):
And a crow comes down and talks to Charles before he leaves.
That's what does a crow say.
Wow.
It's beautiful.
The crow coughs up some gum and poops.
I just washed this, but it's okay.
(56:36):
And then just flies away.
He drives off into the real sunset.
That is the end guys.
We freaking did it.
We freaking did it.
No matter how you feel about it, we did it.
We fucking did it.
I don't know what the fuck that was,
but it definitely wasn't good.
It was not good at all.
Charles W. Charles.
Charles W. Charles.
5% odor of peanut gum.
(56:56):
You know, I feel like I would try it.
I don't know if I'd like it.
I think I would, I love peanuts.
Yeah? Yeah.
Is it crunchy or is it just like peanut buttery?
Both, you can get creamy or crunchy.
Oh shit.
All right, well, if you have peanut butter gum
in the future there, you remember who invented it.
It was Charles W. Charles.
Exactly.
How come there's no like, save free pop rocks?
(57:18):
Like a fish, fish pop rocks?
I don't know if I'd like that.
I don't know if I'd like that either.
Maybe a lamb, a lamb pop rock.
You know, see him too.
Oh boy.
Well, we'll put that on the chopping block.
Get back to it later.
I'd like to thank Artistic for joining us and
now thanks Artistic.
Telling the story.
Thank you Artistic.
You're a swell fella.
(57:38):
For sure.
Where can people find your ass online?
I don't have OnlyFans, so they can't find my ass anywhere.
Oh, you closed it?
Yeah, closed it, closed it.
But I am everywhere at Mr. Artistic, M-R-A-R-T-I-S-T-I-C-K.
Follow me.
There we go.
Send me a message, ask me a question.
(57:59):
Even I like answers more.
Excellent, and your guy didn't die this time.
No, he made it.
He went through a lot.
He wasn't a hero.
Sheesh.
Maybe you can get a woman out,
the crows aren't following him.
He's not even crazy or nothing anymore.
Right.
Nuckety, where can they find your ass?
They can find my ass on the internet at N-U-Q-A-D-Y.
(58:21):
I don't know why I'm talking like this.
You can find me at N-U-Q-A-D-Y on TikTok.
That's it?
Oh yeah, and everywhere else.
Oh okay, nice.
Maybe not Marvel Snap.
No.
That one might be toast for real this time.
Yeah, yeah.
Even if they come back,
I don't think people are gonna be playing Marvel Snap.
(58:41):
Even if they come back,
I don't think they're playing Marvel Snap anymore.
What was Marvel Snap?
It was like a card game,
and it was all right.
But it wasn't.
Yeah, I don't know.
Yep, let me check on Mobile Legends real quick.
Just to.
Mobile, just.
I check every couple hours, just you know.
Disocations.
It's almost like a fresh ex-girlfriend,
where it's like every time you're looking up at her feed,
(59:01):
just to see what she's doing.
You remember the end of the social network?
When Mark Zuckerberg was just refreshing the page?
Yep, see.
We're sorry that Mobile Legends Bang Bang
is not currently available in your country or region.
Quote, USA.
More details.
And I'm proud to be an American,
for at least I know I'm free.
(59:23):
That's the funniest lyric of all time.
At least I know I'm free.
You fucking silly douche.
This is totally unrelated,
but I was watching this Norwegian guy
killing people on Marvel Rivals, competitive gaming,
and he's like, man, these Americans suck at video games.
I kinda get why they're called the land of the free now.
Why, oh.
(59:44):
Damn, damn.
We gave you video games when they gave you free games.
I kinda disagree with that.
Right, we're not free.
We got lots of like, incel, sweaty,
fat people playing games, we're good.
We got lots of them.
We got lots of them.
You know, I didn't learn what incel was till last year.
They did not know.
That's okay.
They didn't know that, nope.
(01:00:04):
They come in different sizes.
Actually, they don't, they don't come.
Hey, you know, we're not on,
we may or may not be on TikTok.
Who knows, but if you do wanna check out more of this stuff,
check us out at linktree.com slash dngpod,
click the merch link, buy yourself a definitely not good shirt
(01:00:25):
or definitely not good hat.
I think we're gonna be pushing some stickers pretty soon.
I've gotten a demand for little stickums.
We got die cuts.
Oh, we got die cuts?
Okay, well, yeah, check it out.
We're gonna be putting more stuff on there too.
And make sure to thank your local crow today.
Before you pass them by and don't feed them.
(01:00:47):
Feed your crows, feed the crows.
Because they remember your face.
Yeah, don't give them gum,
they're gonna die off that shit.
Yeah. Oh yeah, crows.
Come on, be nice to the crows.
Bye guys. Bye.
Adios. See ya.
Okay guys. Definitely not good.
What up, you dingus?
(00:01):
This is definitely not good.
The podcast-
Hold on, I was wrinkling paper.
Hey, no worries.
My bad, let me move stuff away.
Hey, keep that in actually.
We need people to know this is not AI.
You know, AI can't replicate that.
We're real, you guys.
We're real, we're so real.
I swear, very real.
I swear to God.
Allen Iverson does not exist.
Just in case.
What up, you dingus?
This is definitely not good.
The podcast where we create stories
(00:22):
and they're definitely probably not good.
I'm your host, CJ, and I'm joined by my producer, Nuckety.
Hello.
We have a very, very exciting episode today
because we're joined by Artistic.
Hey.
Back for the second time.
The second.
And again, it's A-R-T-I-S-T-I-C-K.
Thank you for being here.
I don't know how Nuckety talked you into coming back,
(00:42):
but we're happy you're here.
It's his idea.
Lots of peanut butter, actually.
Oh, that'll do the trick, I guess.
Dogs and Artistic.
Yeah.
And me, I like peanut butter also.
Yeah, nice.
I also love peanut butter.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know what this is, guys,
but it's definitely not good.
Honestly.
I think that's the idea,
is not to just switch between eating stuff
and...
(01:03):
It's five minutes,
five minutes with You're Fen에요,
or something like that.
Right?
shoving in a mountain.
Yeah.
relacionatio means
What?
Social media.
Yeah.
what's your double double
Yo, man,
that's how you like it?
Like like what?
I'd like to see some
no, no, of guys.
Yo.
(01:24):
You know what?
Like the Larry 님 questions
to come up with a story completely from scratch
with a little twist.
We have a series of wheels we're gonna spin,
each of them random.
And depending on where they land,
we have to somehow incorporate it into our story.
I love it.
Later on, we're gonna have some fake sponsors
where we're gonna spin some wheels.
It's gonna be real, real exciting, amazing.
(01:46):
Amazering.
But before that, we have Artistic here.
Welcome, Artistic.
Hey. Hey.
Welcome back.
How you doing?
Again, I'm doing well, man.
Nice.
I'm three centimeters taller.
Hey. Hey.
Look at you.
I feel great.
I feel a little bit darker today.
Yeah.
Hey.
So things are great.
Melanin is popping.
Yes.
What's a hot take that you have right now?
(02:07):
A hot take.
I feel like I have them all the time and I hate like,
I just need to have a list of my hot takes
so I'm ready for when I'm asked a question.
Yeah, that's real.
But I can't think of it right now.
Oh, okay.
We can circle back on it.
Yeah, let's circle back.
Let's circle back.
Wait, wait, wait.
Going back to your melanin and AI.
Yeah.
Have you ever tried to make somebody your color in AI?
(02:28):
I've tried to make me darker.
We using AI.
I don't think that's right.
I can't do it.
I can't make a light skinned person in AI.
No, what you talking about, like when you type it in?
Yeah.
They always turn out Mexican or extra black.
Yeah, there is no in between.
No, the light skin, if you try to ask AI
to make a light skinned male,
you're getting Puerto Rican or straight up Mexican.
You're getting Jose.
It don't exist for something.
(02:49):
You have to be like so specific.
Or it's like, I need a very fair light skinned black
male.
I tried that and I got a white person.
Just, you know what, just type in Mexican
and then hope for the best.
Just keep trying.
Mexican.
If you say I need a human male,
guess what it's gonna make?
White guy.
Yeah, it's always a white guy.
Yeah.
Well, I know Nuck
(03:23):
So to the best of your ability,
do you remember the Flintstones theme song?
Kind of.
Yeah?
Kind of.
Do you remember the other Flintstones theme song?
I do not remember the other Flintstones theme song.
Okay, we'll go ahead and try to hum that one.
Hey.
Mm-hmm.
(03:53):
Bro, that was it, man.
Yo, can we get some snaps in the chat for artistic?
I got gloves on.
You got, can we hear that again actually?
That's what a snap sounds like with gloves on.
I love it.
Can we get a little kid saying yay also?
Yay!
All right, perfect.
(04:14):
No diddy.
Artistic, what's been going on in your life, man?
What's, like it's been a while since you were on last time.
Last time I think I had just dropped an EP
called Sadboy Summer, and in that time,
I have transitioned to being more of a DJ.
Okay.
And it's been picking up very well.
I mean, it's just, I'm an artist at heart, man.
I just love creating.
(04:34):
Should we put DJ artistic?
No, just artistic,
because it's more than just DJing.
It's more than that.
Yeah.
You motherfuckers.
Are you enjoying DJing more than making music,
or maybe the same thing, but.
I mean, as of now, I say yes, maybe because it's new,
but I just, I love watching and making people move
and dance and have a great time, you know, so.
(04:57):
I feel like that, but we're laughing.
What's something that people might not know about DJing?
It's, I mean, in my opinion,
it's easier than ever now
with all the things that they give you.
So if you really want to do what you can.
I feel like as much as there is competition,
there is a lot of community with the DJing world.
Oh, okay.
As long as you don't get those super ego DJs,
(05:17):
like it's not as bad as like the artistry
or the being an artist where everybody feels
like top dog type thing,
where everybody has to fight and scrap, so.
Is that also like the type of DJs
who like say stuff during a song,
like their own name?
Cool.
No, that's kind of part of the emceeing part.
Like that's just part of the entertainment.
Okay, okay.
I hated that mixtape error, man.
(05:39):
Yeah.
DJ Clu needed to calm the fuck down.
Facts.
What's your favorite instrument, dude?
I think you asked me last time, but I think.
Did I?
Oh, no.
You know what?
I feel like this is like a bag of chips.
Sometimes you want this, sometimes you want that.
Right now in my life, I would say I am feeling.
The sousaphone.
The guitar.
(06:00):
Oh, guitar.
Guitar.
That's a sexy choice right there.
Pretty niche, you know, but I just,
I feel like not the bass,
I'm talking about the lead.
Yeah, yeah.
Insert riff.
Tingle, tingle, tingle.
Nick, what's your favorite instrument?
I think I asked you that before.
Yeah, you have.
What is it?
I need to know.
A piano.
(06:20):
A piano, nice.
I, you know, this is not a flex, guys,
but I did get a double bass for Christmas.
Is it back to zing?
It's too small for me.
Hand it off.
I might have to hold it like a guitar
and play it, but.
It's crazy, because it's the largest instrument possible.
Right, it needs to be larger.
(06:43):
Did you just like get the stick on the bottom?
Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get an extender for that.
Yeah, because they make those.
Yeah.
Do you like violin?
For the, well, violin seems tough.
You gotta freaking curl your fingers and stuff.
You gotta be freaking.
I played violin in like fourth or fifth grade.
Oh, yeah?
I did.
Wow.
Yep.
That's cool.
Couldn't play it again right now if you wanted to,
(07:04):
but I definitely did.
I have one if you want to try.
I definitely did.
I feel like that's a flex though.
Like, if you bust out the violin while you're DJing,
people are gonna.
Go crazy.
Yeah, that would be a flex.
Cut the whole system off.
Just.
Eee.
Eee.
Eee.
Got some for your ass.
Violin solo.
Well, we don't have a sponsor today,
but we do have a fake sponsor to spin a wheel for.
(07:27):
There's something like that.
Something like that, so let's spin that wheel.
What do we got today?
Ah, I don't know, I don't know.
Today's episode is brought to you by Ham.
This episode is proudly sponsored by Dead Pig Ham.
I enjoy ham.
Nuckety, can you give us the reasons
(07:49):
why ham is your favorite?
My favorite?
Yeah.
Oh, because you know, I like pineapple
and it's one of the only meats
that pairs well with pineapple.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
And that's it.
Do you like ham, artistic?
I hate ham.
You hate ham?
I don't deal with any type of swine.
None of that?
Not pig nor police.
(08:10):
I don't pork lease, police.
I don't like none of it.
I understand.
Not for me.
Dang.
Nope.
When did you know, well, sorry to our sponsor for that,
but like we'll cut all this out.
We'll cut his part.
Tell us why, like when did you know you started hating ham?
Man, it's just the smell of it, just.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Nope, not for me, man.
What about, what about, what about, you know, like.
(08:34):
What?
Pork ribs.
Pork ribs, no.
No, no, no.
Lamb rack.
Lamb ribs.
Lamb rack ribs?
That's it.
You've never had lamb rack?
Not ribs.
Yeah, well, a lamb rack is.
Like barbecue.
It's just small ribs.
It's not as, it's more like this.
Oh, it's not a barbecue lamb rib.
I think, I think it's kind of fucked up
what we do to pigs.
Yo, no, it.
(08:54):
All me.
We're.
All me.
We've found out the, to every animal that we eat,
but you know, survival in the fittest.
Yeah, but I guess, you know, ham has kept humans alive
for a long time, so for that we're grateful, ham.
So thank you.
Yeah, say no to ham in the Philippines
and we'll see how that goes.
Oof.
Yeah, oof.
(09:14):
It's like 80% of their food.
Thank you, ham.
Thanks, ham.
No thank you, ham.
Ham I am, green eggs and ham.
I always did want to try green eggs and ham though.
We made it.
I was curious what that is.
Grade, we made some green eggs and ham.
I made some too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you put some color dye on it?
Yeah, yeah.
See, I want that authentic shit though.
Like what's gonna make it actually green?
(09:35):
What's gonna make it actually green though?
I don't know.
Well, Nuckety.
Huh?
What, what, what's like, I don't know.
What do you feel about this year so far?
We're still pretty early on it, but.
Well, TikTok went away for six hours and then came back.
Gave all the credit to a guy who's not the president
yet.
(09:57):
He is now, by the way.
Is it today?
Yeah, we're recording this the 20th.
So it like happened just a few hours ago.
Well, this happened two days ago.
Yeah, the TikTok stuff,
I'm not gonna try and keep up with it anymore.
I actually deleted all of my social media accounts.
What?
Yes, all of them.
You're a ghost.
(10:18):
You don't even exist in real life now?
I know, I just exist on definitely not good, so.
That's crazy.
He is a guy.
It kinda sucks cause I can't tag you in anything anymore.
Yeah.
You know, whatever.
My wife downloads TikToks and sends it to me through text now.
She downloads them?
Yes.
Wild.
I mean, so funny.
You know what made me more mad about everything
is I don't care about TikTok, right?
(10:39):
But they banned my mobile game.
World snap.
They banned my damn game.
They didn't mention anything about this.
They were like, oh, TikTok is banned, all this.
I'm like, I don't care, haha.
I try to go on and log on my game.
It says, unfortunately, this is no longer available in the US.
Insane.
I about threw my phone.
Yeah.
And then TikTok came back and guess what didn't?
(11:00):
Your game didn't come back?
My game didn't come back.
What the fuck?
Yes.
I had this theory, right, that like a Senator was like,
hell yeah, congratulations everyone, we banned TikTok.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go in a corner
and play Marvel Snap.
Wait, what the fuck?
Right, this is crazy.
Hold on, hold on, reverse that.
I didn't read the whole thing.
Reverse that.
Just bring it back, man, bring it back.
(11:20):
So.
That was insane.
I think what's insane to me isn't like,
the TikTok ban is fucking stupid, right?
Marvel Snap thing is fucking stupid.
This whole fucking situation is dumb.
The fucking craziest thing to me
that I don't see people talking about
is that they fucking cut CapCut.
Yeah.
And I was literally in the middle of like video projects
with CapCut.
(11:41):
Now when I go on my desktop and open the app,
it says you're cut.
It's like, it doesn't work.
The website doesn't work.
So.
Ridiculous, man.
Thank God, knock on wood, I don't fucking have like,
I didn't have a huge fucking project on CapCut.
Right, yeah, that would have been fucking dumb.
Terrible.
Yeah, but I feel.
I'm finally almost done with my three hour movie.
(12:02):
Oh my God.
Like yeah, my heart goes out to the fucking thousands
of creators, millions of creators who've used CapCut.
And pour lots into it.
Yeah.
Mind you, I mean, it's not that big of a deal
because the game I've been playing has been like,
it's a span of maybe like five to eight years.
I got like probably almost a grand of money
spent on that app.
On Marvel Snap?
No, well I play Mobile Legends.
(12:23):
Oh, okay, okay.
I don't know if we can have that in the thing.
But yeah, so.
Not a sponsor, not a sponsor.
Yeah, so I spend so much on it, I mean over time,
but it's like damn bro, I don't get none of that back
either, golly.
So like if, okay, question, if that fucking went away
because they're involved with a Chinese company,
what's your reaction?
Because that app went away?
Yeah, like it's a part of TikTok.
(12:43):
Bro, you know how many times my social's been taken?
Like do you think I care about my online
fucking metadata anymore at this point?
Come on bro, like I've been violated already.
Get over with it.
All of them, get over with it.
Yeah, yeah.
Just take it you sick, sick fuck.
Geez.
It's wild man, but by the time you're hearing this,
(13:04):
who knows, probably aliens have shown up by now.
Yeah, yeah, this next like three or four weeks
is about to be real weird.
Bring out the chariots.
Right, we're just hoping you're doing okay
as you listen to this, you know.
We're in the past.
TikTok is back, CapCut and Marvel Snap is not.
So.
And not Mobile Legends either.
Right, rest in peace.
(13:25):
But you can always get DaVinci Resolve.
I have DaVinci.
It's good stuff, I like DaVinci.
I have Canva.
Not a sponsor yet, but you know.
Should be.
Should be.
DaVinci should sponsor us.
Yeah.
Well, let's get started with this dumb ass podcast,
shall we?
Like let's fucking do it.
It's definitely not good.
Yeah.
Our first wheels are John Raweel.
(13:47):
What are we making today?
Mm-hmm.
Brr, brr, brr.
Brr, brr, brr, brr.
Ah!
You've been here before, you know, if you're ready for it.
A time travel adventure.
Let's go.
Okay.
I feel like we did this too.
Yeah?
No, no, we did, it was a fire.
Yeah, but didn't he go on time travel?
(14:09):
Not in your story, no.
Yeah, we did try and travel in another story though.
But hopefully your character will survive this time.
Yes.
I'm just trying to do it then too well for her.
Nope.
He went crazy.
He was crazy.
Andy Arson.
I drew him, that was crazy.
Andy Arson.
Our next wheel is our setting.
Where are we taking place?
Let's find out.
Come here, spin it!
(14:30):
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
The backyard.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Formulating.
So you built a time machine in his backyard, man?
You know, I have the thought of like building a time capsule
in my backyard.
A time capsule.
And just like keeping it there and seeing, you know,
what happens.
It's not open until 3,005?
(14:51):
Just like, you know, they'll find it someday.
But I don't think that,
is that, I guess that is time traveling a little,
in a sense, kind of.
It's a boring way to time travel.
The most boring way to time travel is at speed.
Yeah.
White.
Our next wheel is our character job.
What's our job of the main character?
Spinning!
Ah!
It's spinning!
Ah, the wheel is spinning!
(15:12):
It's, ah, they're a gum cleaner.
Mm.
They're using gum.
Yeah, you know those guys that go with the things
on the sidewalk and they clean up all the gum?
Yeah.
Yeah, you want to know.
For those who don't know, in Seattle,
there is a gum wall that is just a wall
of people putting their gum on it.
When you start walking towards it,
it's very bad.
(15:33):
It's a bad smell.
And it's very gross and unsanitary.
It's a minty, fresh smell.
Don't do that to them.
Our next wheel is our character flaw.
What is the flaw of the gum cleaner?
Yeah!
It's the job itself.
God, I'm gonna throw up.
I'm so sick right now.
Oh, god, my God.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Ha, ha, ha.
(15:54):
Being followed by a crow that don't like him.
That's wild.
This is an interesting plot.
Ha, ha, ha.
This is a very interesting plot.
I think plot is a stretch.
You know, like, I don't know, like.
Ha, ha, ha.
I saw a shit ton of crows out there, actually, today.
So, no.
And not a bad omen.
I don't, they're just eating rats and stuff, man.
I don't know.
(16:14):
It's not a shit ton, it's called a murder.
Oh, sorry, a murder of crows.
Right, right, right.
I saw a murder of crows.
Is that the right term?
Yeah, it's a murder.
That's scary.
They're fine.
And they're eating rats.
I fucking love crows, man.
Look, it's a genocide of crows.
Yeah, the genocides.
Our.
(16:35):
It's a pandemic of squirrels.
Our second to last wheel is our antagonist.
Dang, Dagonis.
Who is the bad person in the story.
What is he, what is he, what is he, what is he, what is he.
A kid with a super soaker.
Nice.
What the fuck is happening.
I don't know, but it's definitely not good.
(16:56):
All right, so to recap, we have a time travel story
that takes place in the backyard.
Our main character is a gum collector
who is being followed by a murder of crows
and the main villain is a kid with a super soaker.
Kid with a super soaker.
Nice.
That's good.
Yeah, Artistic, would you like to play our gum collector?
Yeah, yeah, that's great, that's great.
(17:17):
Love it.
What's like a good name for this gum collector?
A good name for the gum collector.
I feel like Charles.
Charles?
W.
That's a good name, Charles.
Phone call.
Charles W. Phone call.
My volume is off, so I don't know why this happened.
And it's scam likely, so now I feel insulted.
(17:38):
Damn, scam most definitely.
Definitely scam.
Scam probably.
Scam probably.
I like probably better than likely.
I don't even, they should have did that in all these ones.
Scam probably.
Charles W. Charles.
Okay, okay, yeah.
He picked the best name twice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Man, and we have to somehow make it a time,
(18:00):
I feel like we gotta put our heads together for this one.
How do we make a time travel?
And it'll hurt at first,
and then we'll come up with a story.
I feel like it's gonna be,
the time travel is gonna come from one of the old pieces
of gum, the oldest piece of gum.
Oh wow.
That he had to scrape up.
Whoa.
It's a magic piece of gum maybe?
Sure.
And he starts chewing on it?
(18:22):
Could be, could be by accident that he chews on it.
Could be on purpose, we don't know his habits yet.
We don't know what kind of freak this guy is.
Interesting.
This guy's Charles, W. Charles.
So we're gonna start on a very large hill in a mansion.
It belongs to Edwin Godfrey.
Okay.
You know?
That's a good name.
(18:42):
He is a white man with big glasses.
He did very well because he made,
you know like peanuts?
Yeah, his family made those.
Wow.
He made peanuts.
Yeah.
Okay, nice.
His name was actually just Edwin Peanut.
Edwin Peanut Godfrey.
And Charles is knocking on the door, the door opens,
(19:03):
and Edwin is there chewing on some peanuts, you know?
Oh, you must be Charles.
Yeah, that's me.
Hey, nice to meet you.
Charles W. Charles.
Okay, all right.
I'm Edwin, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, Edwin.
I heard you're pretty good with collecting gum.
Yeah, that's why I'm here today.
I'm trying to go door to door
and influence people that they need my services.
(19:23):
All right, well come on in.
Hope you're not allergic to peanuts.
Not at all.
Just gum on the ground.
Okay, yeah.
Well, let's scoot on in.
He looks past Charles and there's like a murderer crow
who's just standing on the street looking at him.
He's like, what the fuck?
Friends of yours?
Yeah, yeah, they don't really go anywhere.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe they like the gum that I missed behind or something.
(19:45):
I can't figure it out.
Huh, okay, well, I'll sit up.
It'll just be you.
Yeah.
But you're not allowed in.
You're not, go, go, shoot, shoot, shoot.
Tries to shoot him away, but then you're like.
Stay here.
Stay here.
The door closes and they go inside,
but outside from the bushes comes the crow master.
(20:06):
Nuckety, will you play the crow master for us?
Yeah.
And he's speaking to the crows monologuing.
Please, please go for it.
My crow brothers.
Yeah.
Today will be the day that we group this man.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cause at one time when we were in the park
and he had a hot dog and he wouldn't give it to us.
(20:29):
And then he swore to the crows.
And then he closed the lid.
We couldn't get to it.
Son of a bitch, he's dead.
He's a dead man.
One of the crows on your shoulder poops.
Thank you.
All right, and he goes back into the bush.
Cut to, we're in the backyard now of Edwin's estate.
(20:50):
And this is a very large backyard.
It's like, ooh, it's like the size of a playground.
I would say.
Wow.
Your backyard is the size of a playground.
Pretty nice, right?
Very, very nice.
This actually used to be a playground and we, you know.
What'd you do with the kids?
Oh, you know, they're, fuck them kids.
Kids?
(21:10):
Who's that one in the corner?
Oh, that's Billy.
Hey, Billy.
Billy.
Huh, huh?
What'd I tell you about sneaking back here?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm my pole.
Okay, hey, I'm gonna push the button.
No, don't push the button.
I'm gonna push the button.
Please don't push the button.
I'm pushing the button.
Once he pushes the button, like two AI robots come out
and tase him and.
(21:32):
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, the kids, nah.
Did he drop a piece of gum?
Oh yeah, I think he did.
Yeah, come on, let me clean that up real quick.
Let me show you how well this works.
Yeah, let me see, let me see.
How does he clean it up?
It's the gum scooper, 62,000.
62,000? 62,000.
There's five other versions of this.
Yes.
Okay, so what does it do?
(21:52):
This one also has AI stuff in it
to where it can tell me how thick the gum is.
Oh.
You know?
And I always know what kind of flavor it was
and how long they chewed
and whether they had teeth or not.
And.
You know, useful information.
Definitely, definitely.
And the ones with no teeth
usually keep the flavor in the gum.
So if you really wanted to reuse it, you could.
(22:13):
Wow.
Okay.
Well, that might be pretty handy
because the reason I called you here
is because we have something a little,
maybe a little bit different than your normal job.
I'll cut to the chase.
We have a primordial gum
that my great, great, great grandpa
placed over a seal underground,
(22:33):
kind of keeping time afloat.
And as soon as it opens, it gets real bad.
It gets real, real bad.
We just need you to take that gum out,
seal it back up, and then restore time.
Restore time?
Yeah.
So we're in a time distortion?
Well, so it's like the, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, time gets a little funky when you get close to each.
(22:54):
Time gets a little funky.
You're gonna, you know, you're gonna have some.
Okay, so I would be a hero in this scenario.
Well, I mean, I would be the hero.
I'm the one who hired you.
But yeah, something like that.
Any questions?
Let's do it.
All right.
No question.
I love no questions.
That's great.
Let's do it.
And by the way, here's some complimentary peanuts for you.
(23:16):
Nice.
Nice, I love this.
I'm back.
It's okay, you can eat them right now.
I'm watching.
Right now?
Yeah, I like to see the reaction of these nuts.
Is this some type of kink?
No.
Uh, well, you know, you don't kiss and tell.
I don't know what that means.
I mean, if I have to do this to save the world,
guess I'm gonna eat these nuts.
Yeah, eat these nuts.
(23:37):
Well.
Salty.
Lightly used.
He loves it, everybody.
Good nuts.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Just tell them what's in the bag.
It's just two nuts.
Peanuts are legumes.
All right, well, so in the,
in quadrant four of the backyard,
(23:59):
behind some trees, you're gonna find the primordial gum.
It is peanut flavored.
Just make sure nothing else gets back there,
because there's a lot of stuff going on behind that gum.
I don't even know what's happening,
but you gotta seal it up as soon as you take up that gum.
It just smells really bad.
Okay, sounds great.
Awesome.
And you don't like charge like a tip or anything for this,
(24:20):
do you?
Tip?
No, not at all.
You just pay my worth, man.
That's all.
Pay your worth.
I like, see, I like that.
I like being able to choose how much money I pay
as a person who's very wealthy.
I love that.
Okay, let's get you started.
So some time passes, and we see kind of on the fence,
the crow master with his crows is kind of watching
(24:43):
as he's approaching this like primordial gum.
And you do notice that time is distorting a little bit.
There's some weird alien stuff happening.
You notice like kind of some white hairs
are kind of growing a little bit on your hairs.
You get kind of younger and kind of older at the same time.
It's something strange.
Birds fly by all slow and shit.
What the fuck is going on back here?
(25:05):
I told you, time distortion, man.
I don't know.
It's real weird.
It's real weird, but.
Yo, what was that over there?
Huh?
Oh.
Is that, is that a man dressed in a crow suit?
Yeah, I don't.
See, there's a story about this, man.
I won't make it drawn and logged out or whatever.
But yeah, I had a hot dog and I just got full
(25:27):
and didn't want to finish it.
And I threw it in the trash.
And for some reason he took it personal
and he just has been following me ever since.
He took it personal.
It's really hard to pick up chicks these days.
You know what you are doing.
No, stop it.
But yeah, it's just, I don't know.
My things will be mine.
Do you have any hot dogs by chance?
Maybe if I just.
(25:48):
Yeah, oh no.
That's enabling.
No, sorry.
I don't have any hot dogs.
But I am gonna get my little kid to shoot at him though.
I hope that's okay.
Hey, Trevor.
Trevor, can you get out here?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, can you shoot that weird guy in the suit?
With a super shot?
You just shot him.
Just sitting in the middle.
It's like a super-shoker shotgun.
(26:10):
Oh.
Oh.
Ah!
He like falls down.
Just keep it on me.
All right, and Trevor's gonna actually follow you.
He's like an apprentice kind of shadowing the common man,
like kind of the common worm of society.
So he wants to kind of know how they work.
Got it, got it, got it.
All right, I'm gonna go inside and have an orgy.
(26:31):
So I'll see you guys later.
God damn.
It's four o'clock, so orgy time.
So now it's just Trevor and,
what was your character's name again?
Charles W. Charles.
Charles W. Charles and Trevor.
And Nuckety, you're playing Trevor?
Trevor's the little boy.
Yeah, with a super-shoker shotgun.
Yeah.
(26:52):
Nice, so what do you do?
I shoot him with the shotgun.
Right in the stupid face!
Dang, so that water, the water hurts, actually.
It comes out really fast.
It comes out really fast.
It comes out in like bullets that actually,
like small water balloon bullets that explode on impact.
So you take like a bruise, actually.
Bean bag gun, I'm almost saying.
(27:12):
Yeah, you had like a bean bag but with water.
Now your whole freaking face and shoulders are wet.
Ha ha ha, yeah!
Trevor, how old are you?
I'm old enough.
Why do you have a shotgun?
Because my dad doesn't give a fuck.
Yeah, I say cool stuff like fuck.
So can you lead me to this gum that I need to remove?
Yeah, it's right over there.
(27:33):
He shoots the gun at it.
Boom!
When he shoots at the gum, it actually gets worse,
the distortion.
It's like going, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.
What the fuck is this?
Yeah, it doesn't like water.
Then why would you shoot it, Trevor?
Because I know you gotta go play with it,
so I'm gonna make it worse and agitated
and get it all red.
You start hearing a voice.
(27:53):
Droom gum, gum, gum.
Uh oh, uh oh.
Well, does he know I'm not afraid of gum?
I got my gum scooper 62,000.
The voice echoes again.
Droom gum, gum.
I don't have all day, Trevor.
I don't really feel comfortable around you,
(28:13):
but I don't mean around a kid alone in the woods.
Nice shoes.
You shoot your shoes.
Lucky I don't like these.
Yeah, my scooper says that this gum, what the fuck?
Why is there a question mark on the H?
Oh, oh.
This is, I've never seen this.
I know.
As he's, so he scoops up the gum
(28:34):
and as he's analyzing it, time stops.
Like this distortion now just goes everywhere within time.
Whoa.
And a guy comes out, his name's Felix.
He's old and he says,
I said don't remove the gum, damn it.
Oh, didn't you hear what I was saying?
Don't remove the gum.
No, out of your shit.
(28:55):
Oh, I was like, who the hell are you?
God dang it.
Oh man, oh, sorry.
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Felix, the scientist who was trying to stop time
from distorting and you ruined it.
It's all ruined now.
Now it's all distorted and stuff.
Damn it.
Nobody told me this fuck.
I don't know what this fucking bad ass kid, Trevor.
I knew, but I was gonna tell you.
(29:16):
What did you do?
What happened with the gum?
What did you do?
The gum, all I did was scoop it
and he shot it with a fucking shotgun water gun.
You put water on the primordial gum?
I didn't do it, Trevor did it.
No, he did it, he did it.
He made me do it, he told me to do it.
No, you piece of shit runt.
Oh, all right, okay.
He said shoot it with the water,
shoot it with the water, that'll make it calm down.
And I was like, I don't think that's how it works.
(29:37):
You can do it anyway.
Listen to me very carefully, guys.
We have to go into the time distortion
and put the gum back where it was before
and then exit out and then put it back
into the physical world for us to actually save time.
Otherwise, it's gonna be like this forever.
Time's gonna stop and it'll just be us three.
Oh yeah, that sounds like a lot of words.
(29:57):
Well, it's not just us three.
I got a bunch of crows that kinda follow me.
Is it that guy dressed in the crow?
Yeah.
I would have my women.
Yeah, I own my hot dog.
I'm not gonna, there's some more important things
happening right now than this.
We have to go into the time distortion.
You guys caused this, so we have to fix it, all right?
You need us to go?
Sounds like you know what's happening here.
(30:17):
I know exactly what's happening.
I've been stopping it for this whole time.
Then why am I going?
You can just stop it.
Because you're the one who did, you have the gum.
You're the chosen one.
Yeah, man, you're the chosen one.
Piece of shit, kid.
You're going too, kid.
What?
Come on, man, I don't wanna go in there.
You gotta take responsibility.
He grabs both. That's bull crap.
He grabs both your shirts and throws you.
He pushes you into the time portal.
(30:40):
You're so good.
Yeah.
And you guys are floating through a tunnel of time.
You see just all these moments just cascading,
a film roll just showing the tapestry of it all.
My fellow Americans.
Hawk two, spin on that thing.
(31:01):
I'm being born, I'm being pushed back in.
And you guys are on the outskirts of time.
We'll call this the outer world or something.
Okay. Sure.
The outer world.
And so what it is is imagine a void space
where you see plants, nature all over the world,
(31:23):
but plants are growing and decaying at a rapid pace.
The trees are coming alive, dying,
coming back to life, dying.
Time is just ongoing here.
Usually people are pretty surprised by what they see.
You guys are just okay with this?
No, dude, I played Hogwarts Legacy.
I deal with gum.
This doesn't influence me at all.
(31:44):
As long as you have the gum on you,
you're immune to the time distortion.
But this is outside of time.
As you can see, everything is alive and dying.
And this whole time I've been here
making sure no one messes with the gum.
You didn't hear me say don't touch the gum?
No, all I heard was gum.
What is, hold on, what is Edwin doing?
He was supposed to make sure no one opened the time portal.
(32:06):
He told me to open a goddamn time portal.
He's in another orgy.
He never has time for me.
Oh, that mother sucker.
He told me to stay here.
He's just trying to get those stocks up, isn't he?
Little stocks up that ass.
Ah.
Okay, all right.
We have to go to the Castle of Midnight Torture, okay?
It's that castle way over there.
That doesn't sound funny.
Hold on, hold on.
(32:26):
Yes?
Castle of what?
Midnight Torture.
That's what I thought you said.
I don't like that.
Yeah, yeah, vampire lives there
who feeds off the time and feeds off of suffering.
You're not making it better.
And I mean, that doesn't matter, guys.
We gotta put the gum on behind his throne
in this little corner.
I can show you where it's at.
But you gotta put it there.
You've been there?
Yeah, I mean, I don't wanna get too much into it.
(32:47):
But yeah, I'm familiar with the Castle of Midnight Torture.
I know.
They used to date.
We did not date, okay?
It was one-sided.
But listen, we gotta go there now, guys, all right?
Any questions?
No? Good?
All right, let's go.
He throws a capsule and it poofs.
And there's now a four-person car.
Wow. Wow.
(33:08):
Can you drive?
Because I can't reach the pedals.
Yeah, I imagine.
I'm just a little boy.
Fucking piece of shit.
Listen here, kid.
I'm gonna let you hold onto that super soaker,
but you better not shoot anything else.
Water is very, very stable.
Ah!
Did you see that thing?
No, what did you do?
He shoots at some grass.
And the grass grows and it forms into a monster.
(33:30):
Whoa.
Like a group, about three or four grass humanoid monsters
that are decaying, coming alive, dying, coming alive.
Okay, we gotta go.
They're coming after us.
You do not wanna die outside of time.
You do not.
Don't do it, guys.
It's not like we're gonna die.
It's worse.
It's way worse.
He pushes the pedal to the metal and he goes,
(33:51):
we're gonna take a short break.
Okay.
We'll get right back to this gumtastic story.
This is definitely not good, for sure.
Don't go anywhere.
Cut!
Hey, we're back and we have another sponsor.
Let's spin that sponsor wheel.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
(34:12):
Ah!
Thank you for that.
That was good.
Hey, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah.
See, it's good when two people are making noises
and then it's not just, it's good, it's good.
Yeah, my throat hurts.
But today's episode is also brought to you by Questions.
This episode is proudly sponsored by Questions.
What?
What do you guys, how do you guys feel about Questions?
Good example.
(34:33):
How do you guys feel about Questions?
Well, what do you mean by that?
I mean, I could ask you the same thing.
That's interesting because I'm not really sure
where this goes.
Does anybody else have any idea of how these things work?
Man, why are you over there asking all them questions?
You know what I like more than questions?
What do you like more than questions?
Man, nothing.
You know what I mean?
Isn't there a game, a fucking HOOZ line game
(34:55):
where they have to ask everything as a question?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's tough.
That shit is so hard, I can't do that.
I'm not that good at improv, nigga.
You know what's cool, like, asking questions
without actually asking a question,
like how you say a word, like, yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
I thought, like, how British people talk
because they end statements with questions.
So I was walking to the mall and I saw, like, a bird.
(35:17):
I went to the mall, yeah.
Do you guys like questions or answers more?
Hmm, I think answers.
You like answers more than questions.
Imagine somebody asking you 12 questions in a row.
Oh, no.
That's a lot.
And then, like, there's nothing really you can do
to answer them and they just keep asking you questions.
I feel like I would be angry.
(35:38):
I got some people that send me text messages,
it's like 40 questions, and I try to answer them in order.
Yeah, I do the same.
Like, even when I respond to somebody's messages,
it's all in order.
So it's like, I don't want any more questions after this.
I'm like, yes, no, stop that.
It's interesting because, like, questions are innocent,
but answers are, like, definite.
But they could be lies.
(35:58):
Answers, so it's like.
Answers could be deceit.
Right, right.
That's true.
So shout out to Questions.
Thanks for sponsoring us today.
Yeah, thanks, Questions.
Oh my God. Thank you.
I got a question for you.
How you doing?
I don't know, fuck, I don't know.
I, sometimes I got something,
sometimes I don't.
Sometimes you don't, and that's okay.
(36:20):
And that's okay, that's the point of the game.
That's why we're doing this shit.
We do this every fucking week, so.
Definitely not good, ladies and gentlemen.
Where we last left off, oh, thank you, Questions.
Thank you, Questions.
Thank you, Questions.
Where we last left off, Charles W. Charles,
the gum collector, has found himself in a predicament.
He has opened a portal, removing a gum,
(36:41):
to the outer world, outside of time,
and now he must go to the Castle of Midnight Torture
to undo the time distortion,
maybe collect some gum along the way,
and keep his enemies' arms length.
The kid with the super soaker is shooting stuff.
I did it worse.
(37:02):
And what's that?
Oh yeah, the guy in a crow costume
with his murder of crows is also following.
Yeah, we like to throw a wrench in an already broken story.
This one's broken, so let's throw that wrench
and spin that one more wheel.
Yeah, I'm gonna do it!
Rinch, wrench, spin the wheel.
Yeah, I'm gonna do it!
(37:25):
Kimchi.
Kimchi?
Kimchi.
So they're driving, you know,
and you can see that this is like a,
it's very far to get to the Castle of Midnight Torture.
We're gonna be on the road for a while, guys,
so I got some kimchi in the back.
You just open up, like, kind of the drawer next to-
Just kimchi.
Just kimchi in there.
It's the only, you know what's strange?
(37:46):
Is it's the only thing immune to time?
It's kimchi.
Wow. Really?
Yeah, it's just crazy because-
Anything else like hamburgers, it just doesn't work.
I consider kimchi like vegetable gum.
Like, that's it.
It's very interesting.
That's why you say, you're actually smarter
than you look, actually, Mr. Sir.
Yeah, you don't look very smart.
Thank you.
What's your name, Charles?
Charles, W. Charles.
As we're, they're talking, you know,
(38:07):
what's the super soaker kid doing?
Oh, he's shooting out the window.
Stop doing that!
Doing what? Stop doing that!
He's taking more creatures as he's doing that.
They're following him.
Fucking Trevor!
I've never met a good Trevor ever in my life.
There's always bad Trevers.
Trevers are always bad.
Fuck!
Put some respect on my name, dude.
Stop being bad, Trevor.
Why'd you let him keep the gun?
I don't know.
I'm not good with confrontation.
Oh, try taking my gun.
(38:27):
Just try, just try, buddy.
This is America, son.
The murder of Crow's guy is on a motorcycle.
Don't ask me how he got it.
But he is following-
The motorcycles made out of the Crows?
Yeah, yeah, thank you.
Exactly, yeah.
He looks like Crow Rick from Rick and Morty.
You remember Crow Rick?
Crow Rick.
No, I was thinking more like Ghost Rider,
but that works.
Oh, I did.
(38:48):
I kinda like that.
Crow Rick was a fucking savage.
Yeah, absolutely.
So we're gonna be here for a while.
Eat some kimchi.
I gotta ask you, Charles, why are you a gum collector?
How did you, what are you doing here?
Well, all my life, I just-
As to fight?
Yes.
And I just knew that gum was just the issue.
It was just an issue, man.
Everywhere you step, new shoes, gum on the bottom of it.
(39:10):
I feel like gum is worse than dog shit.
You just step in gum and it's just, it's hard to get off.
Dog shit, you can just scrape it.
Just go walk, go for a walk.
I mean, I couldn't disagree more.
All I have left with my wife is this piece of gum
that she left, pulls out in the glove drawer.
It's like a piece of paper.
It's a photo of him and her,
and then there's gum stuck on the back.
(39:32):
I just wish I knew how she felt in those last days.
There's a beep and they're like, okay, man.
If only there was some kind of device
that would tell me the details of this gum.
You know, just-
Lucky for you, I have the gum scooper 62,000.
Say what, the 62,000?
(39:52):
I have a 62,000 gum scooper.
I thought they discontinued after 4,000.
No.
Holy cannoli.
How long have you been down here, man?
Oh my God, it's been, wait,
MySpace is still a thing, right?
What's MySpace?
Oh my God, what the, okay.
Quickly, can you put this gum?
I want to know what she was thinking when,
please, please do something with the gum.
(40:13):
Here's this.
It says she had no teeth.
Is that accurate?
Yes, yes.
Quite rude.
But yes.
She died from old age, okay?
(40:33):
The gum is only about three centimeters chewed.
There's lots of flavor in here, man.
Yeah, she did.
I like strawberries.
She liked suicide gum.
Now, with it being here, I don't have a test on the age,
but I can tell that there's still some flavor in this.
Still some flavor?
There's just so, I know a lot of people don't know this,
but if you chew on this gum,
(40:55):
you can feel what the last person was feeling.
Is that true?
It's very true.
Okay, all right, I'm gonna park real quick.
Pulls over, and they're still following, by the way.
Real slow, though, not fast.
Okay, those are called Primordial Beasts.
Don't worry about them.
All right, I'm gonna chew it.
All right, I'm coming, Lisa, I'm coming.
He chews it.
(41:19):
Oh, shit, I guess she was feeling choked.
I'm choking on the gum.
She'll be like, Trevor, shoot him in the stomach.
Shoot him in the stomach.
Yeah.
Shoot him in the stomach.
One more time, Trevor.
He dies.
Should I shoot him again?
Fuck it, one more time, Trevor.
Yeah, he's good, he's gone.
He's gone.
(41:40):
So he is dead and wet.
And wet.
And the motorcycle crow man pulls up.
What does he do?
At least my revenge.
What do you want from me, man?
You know what I want.
I don't.
I want num nums.
(42:01):
Num nums.
Yes, num nums.
Mothers, attack.
Wait, wait, wait, I have a proposition.
Hold on.
Huh?
If we make it to the Midnight Castle of Torture,
is that what it's called?
Trevor, what the fuck was the castle called?
I don't, I don't, I don't, I wasn't listening, man.
I'm just here.
All right, well, crow man,
there's all kinds of num nums in the Murder Castle.
(42:23):
Oh.
This could be your chance to have
unlimited num nums forever.
Num num, unlimited num nums you say?
So just follow us and watch out for the humanoids.
Trevor likes to shoot things.
Shoot some of the faces.
Like, get in the son of a bitch.
They're approaching very rapidly now.
They're like, they're just like an army of them coming now.
We need to get out of here.
One of the crows are picking at Felix's face,
(42:45):
taking the skin off.
Wait, wait, can you have one of your crows
grab the gum from the stone?
Brian, can you get the gum?
Give it, inside, on the inside.
Brian!
All right, thank you.
All right, so now, who's driving?
Obviously not Trevor.
Trevor can't reach.
All right, so Charles is driving the car
and they're making it up this hill
(43:06):
and there is a bridge, they go across it,
it's really clanky, and they reach like two guards
dressed in black armor.
Who goes there?
I'm outta here.
Wait, come back here.
Grab him by the collar.
This is Trevor, he's gonna introduce himself first.
Here, you go first.
My name is Trevor McBurger Balls.
(43:28):
Trevor McBurger Balls, you are not welcomed here.
Come on, man!
Leave or we will skewer you in two.
Come on!
Why is he not allowed here?
He's not on the guest list, right?
How do we get on the guest list?
You must present us with an artifact.
Mm.
Mm.
(43:49):
Whoop, I got nothing, I'll just see you in the car.
All right, hold on, hold on.
Wait, what is that?
Went to the super soaker.
This is my blasto.
5,000.
We will accept the blasto 5,000.
Will you now, huh?
Yes, and then you may have entry.
I only have five more of these, man.
(44:10):
Give it here.
He extends his hand.
And what does he do?
He gives him the stupid blasto.
So when it touches his hand, his hand melts
because the water on it.
What is this substance?
Ugh, ugh!
You are, you are trespassers!
Trevor, quicksit the other one.
(44:31):
It's just a little toilet water, dude.
What's wrong with you?
Attack them!
He goes in with his spear
and he's about to skewer Trevor.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Does he try and dodge it?
What does he do?
Oh yeah, he dodges the fuck out of it.
Oh shit, he dodges it.
Little kids are nimble.
He like rolls and then he shoots it,
because he plays Fortnite.
He knows, he knows kind of.
He loves Fortnite.
He does the flop stance.
Shoots it in the face.
(44:51):
He shoots the other one in the face and they both melt.
Ah!
I've been playing Fortnite on VR all day.
Nice.
They turned into gum.
They turned into gum.
Yeah.
Wow.
Good gum or like, not good gum?
Not good gum.
Oh no.
This isn't good gum.
This gum is terrible.
This is bad gum.
(45:11):
Why are we, do we just go inside or?
I guess we should keep going.
I guess we go inside.
Crowman, you ready to keep going?
Ah!
Crowman, does your,
do you think your crows will like this not good gum?
My crows love gum!
It's definitely not good gum.
It's branded.
The crows stick behind and eat the gum.
(45:33):
And they slowly transform as they eat it,
but they just keep eating it.
What does the crowman do?
He, he, he, he joins in on the eating of the gum.
Okay.
They don't know how to chew, they just swallow it.
Right, right, right, right.
He doesn't have any teeth.
He just has like a,
he has a beak.
Beak?
Yeah, he has a beak.
He surgically had a beak attached to his face
(45:54):
and it don't have no teeth on it.
So he just picks him up and like a duck.
Wow, wild.
He's going all in on the crow thing, isn't he?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Some people would like that, you know?
There's a girl, I seen a girl recently
who had surgery to make herself look like a horse.
Wild.
Yeah.
Wild horse.
Yeah.
It's not, it's not not disturbing.
(46:15):
Moving on.
Trevor and Charles make their way into the throne room
of Castle Midnight Torture.
You see a long foyer leading up to a staircase
with a large elaborate red and gold carpet.
You open the doors and you see a single man sitting
at the top of the throne playing the organ.
(46:37):
No girlfriend, huh?
Yeah, he's just playing the organ
and it's absolutely beautiful.
And as soon as you get within a certain length,
he stops playing the organ and turns around.
Is he wearing half of a mask?
Like the Phantom?
No, he has a very ugly face.
This is the best guy.
(46:57):
That guy's ugly.
Holy shit, I've never seen anybody so ugly.
Well, well, well.
It seems I have some visitors.
Your voice matches your face, man.
Very, very much so.
It's pretty much the same,
that's exactly what I thought.
Welcome to the Castle of Midnight Torture.
I am Bartholomew.
Are you here to be tortured?
(47:19):
Trevorous.
What?
No.
This little boy here wants to be tortured.
That's not what, no, I never said that.
You're a little too young to be tortured, young man.
You on the other hand are of age, so are you ready?
And youth comes into play once again.
Can I have some words first?
Can I do a couple of things?
Oh, you want like a safe word.
Okay, what's your safe word?
(47:41):
Gum.
Oh, great, great.
That's a good safe word, man.
All right, well, so there's like a spike pit right there
and there's like a table right there.
Oh, there's also like a gum thing
where like you can like be tortured by gum.
It's cause it's a new addition actually.
That actually sounds interesting.
(48:01):
Bobby, Ronnie, Ricky, am I?
But can I sit on your throne chair?
Oh, that's a little kinky, but all right, sure.
I mean, it might smell a little bit.
I've been here for a while.
I can tell. A while.
All right, yeah, go ahead.
Yeah, seats yours.
All right. Stands up.
So I'm gonna go sit by the chair
and then insert the gum behind it in the corner still.
Yeah. That's how we, damn,
(48:23):
did we get the rest of the rules
of how to get out of this place?
I don't think we did, man.
Did we just, Phoenix died or what is his name?
Felix is dead. Felix, Felix is dead.
Yeah, Felix died.
Well, he said that I needed to put the gum on a chair.
And I guess- Something about that.
I guess I'm just gonna do that and see what happens.
Yeah. Let's do it.
You see like a crack, like an ethereal crack,
glowing crack in the back of his chair
(48:45):
that some kind of stream of energy is spewing out of it.
What do you do?
I'm going to insert the gum that I took from Felix,
his dead wife.
I'm gonna put that right there.
Yeah. That one.
So as soon as it's sealed up- Sealed the crack.
Just like, there's just like the entire area around you
starts to slowly decay.
(49:06):
Not as fast as it was before,
but the whole castle itself and the people within it
are just slowly decaying.
It's like the life is being drained from everything.
What did you do?
Nothing. Oh, what did you do?
Nothing. I didn't do anything.
Oh, my beautiful hair. My hair. My hair.
It wasn't beautiful. Oh my God.
It was not beautiful.
Hold on. Mirror. Let me see a mirror.
He's a vampire, so he doesn't see anything.
(49:28):
Ah, I can't see myself.
You.
Guards, get them.
Driver, quick, super soaker.
Ah!
Just maul them. Just taking them out, man.
Just shoot them.
He's like a Fortnite expert.
And so what do you guys do
as these guards are being taken down?
Are you running?
I'm picking them up because they're turning in the gum,
and I hate gum on the floor.
Like, I can't stand that.
(49:49):
So I have to get the gum up before we can get to run.
Why are you taking all my people from me?
What are you doing?
I'm doing my duty.
I'm cleaning up these streets.
That duty.
My face. My beautiful face.
Ah!
And he turns in the gum also.
I'm taking all of the gum with me.
Like, there's no chance I'm leaving anything on the ground.
So there's just, you just have a big thing of gum with you
(50:13):
now, like a Santa Claus of gum.
Right.
Is that a glass container on your back?
Like, those fucking ghostbusters?
There was a casket over there,
and I put it on my back, and it's full of gum,
and we're just gonna leave with it.
Yum, yum, yum.
All right, so. It's wet.
You guys exit the castle,
and you notice that it is starting to decay,
(50:33):
starting to fall and crumble.
We didn't talk about it before,
but there's like clocks with wings flying around and shit.
Right, absolutely, yeah.
And as you exit out and look out into the horizon,
you see that this army that was initially following you
has created more of itself.
Wow.
Because it's like, it's duplicated,
and there's like an actual army of people now,
an army of these creatures.
(50:55):
Because if you take a piece of gum
and you split it in half,
now you've just got two pieces of gum.
So now there's just a bunch of monsters.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And they are slowly making their way to you, Charles.
What do you do?
This army is coming.
Hmm, what do I do?
This is hard.
Are they in my way of leaving?
(51:16):
Yeah. Okay, then.
I think I'm going to go back and take the gum off the chair
so we can reverse it.
And because they're all in the casket already,
they're gonna suffocate each other.
Oh, wow.
And then we're the ones that are crawling,
you're gonna shoot them with the super soaker.
That's a pretty good plan, man.
Unfortunately, the super soaker's out.
I'm out of toilet water, man.
Shit, that was a terrible plan.
(51:39):
As they get closer,
you see a freaking crazy-ass large black creature
like come from your peripheral,
like kind of landing with its large wings,
and he puts a single hand up,
and the entire army halts.
He turns around, and it's the crow man.
(51:59):
Holy shit, crow man.
Turns out I have a lot of power down here.
I knew this would work out.
Him eating the gum, actually, he became one
with the essence of whatever gum people-
He swallowed so much gum.
Yeah, he swallowed a lot of gum.
A lot of gum.
Now he's just able to communicate with them.
His crows can't even fly anywhere,
(52:20):
they swallowed so much gum.
Yeah, they just roll around now.
Like, fuck.
Jesus, like chickens, they just can't fly.
They went from crows into gum chickens.
Black chickens.
Black gum chickens.
As they're walking, they start to part and divide
because the crow man is kind of controlling them,
and they're walking, and they got a long way to go,
(52:43):
but they see the car on the other end.
What do they say to each other?
Who, the crow man and Charles?
Yeah.
Crow man.
Charles.
I'm so deeply sorry about how we met.
You know what?
My God's bad.
Sorry, I'm really full of gum.
I can tell.
And it's helped you.
(53:03):
It's helped me.
You know, I was really thin before,
and now I gained some weight.
And now, look at me now.
Are you going to be coming back with us?
You know, I think I'm gonna stay down here.
I think I'm gonna stay down here.
What about the crows?
No, my brothers will be fine with me.
(53:23):
They like it too, they enjoy the gum.
Nice.
Well, I guess this is gonna be farewell then.
I guess so.
I bid thee adieu.
Ha ha.
Can I ask you a question?
Uh, I don't really like questions.
Can I give you answers?
Yes, answers are good.
You make a really good crow.
Thanks, man.
(53:46):
And they get into the car, drive off on the sunset.
The sunset is also distorting.
It's not really, this world is fucking weird.
It's wacky down here.
Yeah.
Some time passes and they have just exited the other side
of the backyard fence where the portal is.
You have that primordial gum and you seal it back up
(54:09):
with the gum and Edwin comes out.
Hey Charles.
He's wearing a robe and he's like
dabbing himself with a towel.
Yeah, well, you got done faster than I thought you would.
Yeah, I'm an expert.
Can I ask why you're putting the gum back on the fence?
Because you fucking lied to me, sir.
You fucking lied.
Lied?
What do you mean?
(54:29):
I went down there.
You didn't even, did you know that there was a down there?
Wait, I thought you were talking about the peanuts.
I didn't lie about the peanuts.
Like the peanuts were good.
No, not the peanuts, the gum.
The gum, oh.
Oh, the gum.
Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You met Felix, yeah?
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, old coworker.
Uh, you know, kind of sold some stocks.
I had to take care of him, but is he doing all right?
(54:51):
Yeah, yeah, he's no longer here.
You can ask your son Trevor about him.
Yeah, he's dead, dad.
Oh, I can't say I'm too sad about that, but okay.
I guess he's gone.
He was your brother.
You know how I told you that you could pay me whatever?
Yeah.
No, that's no longer a deal.
Oh, free is good.
No, free is no longer the deal.
And if you don't give me what I asked for,
(55:12):
I'm exposing you.
Whoa, okay, well, what do you want?
We're going to make peanut gum,
and I'm getting 57% of the steak.
How about 10%?
60.
5% and I don't kill you?
75, and I already got Crowman sending some letters
to the government right now.
(55:33):
He left some crows over here.
He's going to come for your business.
Crowman, he looks up and he sees just a murder of crows.
Murders and murders of crows.
So many fucking crows.
They block out the sun.
Okay, so, um, maybe the 50% is not bad.
I can do 50%.
We can do 50%.
Shake on it. Shake on it.
Their hands get stuck because there's gum.
(55:54):
Yeah, I was going to say, a piece of gum on my hand.
Oh, gross.
I have some stuff on my hand too, but don't worry about that.
And as we see Charles, you know,
he's kind of packing up his gear.
He's putting it in the back of his van
and he's still in his pocket,
has that picture of Felix and his old wife.
(56:15):
And a crow comes down and talks to Charles before he leaves.
That's what does a crow say.
Wow.
It's beautiful.
The crow coughs up some gum and poops.
I just washed this, but it's okay.
(56:36):
And then just flies away.
He drives off into the real sunset.
That is the end guys.
We freaking did it.
We freaking did it.
No matter how you feel about it, we did it.
We fucking did it.
I don't know what the fuck that was,
but it definitely wasn't good.
It was not good at all.
Charles W. Charles.
Charles W. Charles.
5% odor of peanut gum.
(56:56):
You know, I feel like I would try it.
I don't know if I'd like it.
I think I would, I love peanuts.
Yeah? Yeah.
Is it crunchy or is it just like peanut buttery?
Both, you can get creamy or crunchy.
Oh shit.
All right, well, if you have peanut butter gum
in the future there, you remember who invented it.
It was Charles W. Charles.
Exactly.
How come there's no like, save free pop rocks?
(57:18):
Like a fish, fish pop rocks?
I don't know if I'd like that.
I don't know if I'd like that either.
Maybe a lamb, a lamb pop rock.
You know, see him too.
Oh boy.
Well, we'll put that on the chopping block.
Get back to it later.
I'd like to thank Artistic for joining us and
now thanks Artistic.
Telling the story.
Thank you Artistic.
You're a swell fella.
(57:38):
For sure.
Where can people find your ass online?
I don't have OnlyFans, so they can't find my ass anywhere.
Oh, you closed it?
Yeah, closed it, closed it.
But I am everywhere at Mr. Artistic, M-R-A-R-T-I-S-T-I-C-K.
Follow me.
There we go.
Send me a message, ask me a question.
(57:59):
Even I like answers more.
Excellent, and your guy didn't die this time.
No, he made it.
He went through a lot.
He wasn't a hero.
Sheesh.
Maybe you can get a woman out,
the crows aren't following him.
He's not even crazy or nothing anymore.
Right.
Nuckety, where can they find your ass?
They can find my ass on the internet at N-U-Q-A-D-Y.
(58:21):
I don't know why I'm talking like this.
You can find me at N-U-Q-A-D-Y on TikTok.
That's it?
Oh yeah, and everywhere else.
Oh okay, nice.
Maybe not Marvel Snap.
No.
That one might be toast for real this time.
Yeah, yeah.
Even if they come back,
I don't think people are gonna be playing Marvel Snap.
(58:41):
Even if they come back,
I don't think they're playing Marvel Snap anymore.
What was Marvel Snap?
It was like a card game,
and it was all right.
But it wasn't.
Yeah, I don't know.
Yep, let me check on Mobile Legends real quick.
Just to.
Mobile, just.
I check every couple hours, just you know.
Disocations.
It's almost like a fresh ex-girlfriend,
where it's like every time you're looking up at her feed,
(59:01):
just to see what she's doing.
You remember the end of the social network?
When Mark Zuckerberg was just refreshing the page?
Yep, see.
We're sorry that Mobile Legends Bang Bang
is not currently available in your country or region.
Quote, USA.
More details.
And I'm proud to be an American,
for at least I know I'm free.
(59:23):
That's the funniest lyric of all time.
At least I know I'm free.
You fucking silly douche.
This is totally unrelated,
but I was watching this Norwegian guy
killing people on Marvel Rivals, competitive gaming,
and he's like, man, these Americans suck at video games.
I kinda get why they're called the land of the free now.
Why, oh.
(59:44):
Damn, damn.
We gave you video games when they gave you free games.
I kinda disagree with that.
Right, we're not free.
We got lots of like, incel, sweaty,
fat people playing games, we're good.
We got lots of them.
We got lots of them.
You know, I didn't learn what incel was till last year.
They did not know.
That's okay.
They didn't know that, nope.
(01:00:04):
They come in different sizes.
Actually, they don't, they don't come.
Hey, you know, we're not on,
we may or may not be on TikTok.
Who knows, but if you do wanna check out more of this stuff,
check us out at linktree.com slash dngpod,
click the merch link, buy yourself a definitely not good shirt
(01:00:25):
or definitely not good hat.
I think we're gonna be pushing some stickers pretty soon.
I've gotten a demand for little stickums.
We got die cuts.
Oh, we got die cuts?
Okay, well, yeah, check it out.
We're gonna be putting more stuff on there too.
And make sure to thank your local crow today.
Before you pass them by and don't feed them.
(01:00:47):
Feed your crows, feed the crows.
Because they remember your face.
Yeah, don't give them gum,
they're gonna die off that shit.
Yeah. Oh yeah, crows.
Come on, be nice to the crows.
Bye guys. Bye.
Adios. See ya.
Okay guys. Definitely not good.
Popular Podcasts
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Introducing… Aubrey O’Day Diddy’s former protege, television personality, platinum selling music artist, Danity Kane alum Aubrey O’Day joins veteran journalists Amy Robach and TJ Holmes to provide a unique perspective on the trial that has captivated the attention of the nation. Join them throughout the trial as they discuss, debate, and dissect every detail, every aspect of the proceedings. Aubrey will offer her opinions and expertise, as only she is qualified to do given her first-hand knowledge. From her days on Making the Band, as she emerged as the breakout star, the truth of the situation would be the opposite of the glitz and glamour. Listen throughout every minute of the trial, for this exclusive coverage. Amy Robach and TJ Holmes present Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial, an iHeartRadio podcast.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!