February 25, 2025 • 58 mins
"Crikey."
Host - CJ Rhone
Guest - Mason Ain't Sh!t
Find him at instagram.com/masonaintshit
Producer - Nuqady
Email us at definitelynotgoodpodcast@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What up, you dingus?
(00:01):
This is definitely not good.
The podcast where we create stories
and they're definitely probably not good.
Maybe, I don't know.
I'm your host CJ and I'm joined by my producer, Nuckity.
Gargle.
Hey, today we have a very, very special guest.
We are joined by Mason 8 Shit.
What's up, y'all?
It's your boy Mason 8 Shit,
(00:22):
famed local comedian with a whopping 1,600 followers.
Ooh!
Look at him go.
Yeah.
Sky, you're not getting any sleep.
We're blowing up any day now, dawg.
Absolutely.
I don't know how Nuckity talked you into coming,
but we're glad you're here.
With my silver tongue, that's how.
I mean, at 1,600 followers,
(00:43):
I pretty much answer every book in DM.
So.
That's a good point.
That's a good point.
That's a good point.
That's how you get out.
Well, I don't know what this is,
but it's definitely not good.
(01:13):
Hey, if it's your first time listening,
this is pretty much how everything works.
We are amazing storytellers.
Amazing.
And it's our job, our sacred duty,
to come up with a story completely from scratch
with a little twist.
We have a series of wheels we're gonna spin,
each of them random.
And depending on where they land,
we have to somehow incorporate it into a story
(01:33):
to the best of our ability.
To the best of our ability.
As best, you know, as well as we can do.
That's the show.
We'll get to that later.
Motherfucker.
Stay tuned for some sponsors
that are totally real and not fake.
Yeah, hang on, hang on.
Totally real this time, guys.
But before that, let's welcome Mason.
Mason, you're here, man.
Yeah, man, appreciate y'all boys, man.
This is a really dope shing dig you have.
(01:55):
Thank you, man.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Compliment your grass walls and your wood panels
and your carpets and cushy chairs.
I like people to not know which way's up in here, yeah.
Niggas got a box of Kleenex in here in case.
Yeah, just in case I had to be crying.
In case he gets emotional.
Good happens, you know.
We get to the dramas.
So I understand you're a comedian?
Yeah, I be telling a little jokey jokes
(02:17):
and shit around here.
Nice, nice.
What's like your least favorite person at a comedy show?
Whoever's not tipping the staff.
Oh.
There's no point in having you here
if you coming out to the club to act broken shit.
Dang, even if they're like laughing though,
but they don't tip?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, you can laugh at me for free on the internet,
but when you bought the ticket to come,
(02:38):
you know what I mean, it's a night out.
Enjoy your night out, don't, you know what I mean,
not show love to the staff
because they make the whole experience possible.
Yeah, that's wild.
You know what I mean?
What do you, how do you feel about Tacoma?
I fucks with it, you know,
I'm at Tacoma Comedy Club all the time.
I got my Monday night show there,
backbooth bully, so they take care of me.
I do my best to take care of them, you know.
(02:59):
It's the city, you wanna make it out
just to make it right back, I guess.
Yeah, well, shout out to Tacoma Comedy Club,
my sponsor, but.
Not a sponsor yet.
Shout out to them.
I know Nugby likes to start with a little warmup
to make our guests, you know,
like get the creative juices flowing.
Yeah, how are your juices doing, man?
I mean, I don't usually get asked about my juices
(03:22):
like that, brother.
Yeah, well, that's the kind of stuff
you get coming around here, man.
Oh, shit.
I worry about your juices, Mason.
I knew this was a casting couch.
I knew this shit looked familiar.
Why are your pants still on?
I'm juicy, nigga, I'm juicy enough.
All right, I'll go.
Just to put a little bit more juice,
could you, to the best of your ability,
the best of your ability, go ahead and hum
(03:44):
the Our Real Monsters theme song for me?
Bro, I'm too old to remember that.
Like Our Real Monsters, I had that game on Sega Genesis.
Me too.
Yeah, that's what I did.
Well, I guess you're gonna have to make it up,
whatever you remember from it.
I just remember the bitch would be like,
Icky!
And then you had the one with the eyeballs in his hands,
(04:05):
but he had the armpits.
That's why I don't like armpits to this day because of him.
Like when we're-
Because of Seth Rogen?
Seth Rogen played that?
No, I'm not.
No, no, no, but that-
I would have believed it too.
That's what I think of.
Yeah, I was like, wait a minute.
Every time I think of Crumb, I think of Seth Rogen.
Yeah.
It's understandable.
Every time I see like hippie white girls
that don't shave their armpits,
I think of that Real Monster.
(04:27):
Mm-hmm.
He was a good one, he was a good one.
Crumb, that's his name?
Yeah, Crumb.
I remember Icky's.
And Oblina.
That was the tall skinny bitch.
Yeah, yeah, she was a candy cane.
She had them lips.
Right, she was just lips.
And pucker up, she was mostly lips.
Yeah, as a good woman should be.
Can we get a round of applause for Mason?
Yeah!
Fantastic, thank you very much.
(04:49):
Mason, let's get to know you a little bit.
A little bit.
So, like, what's the vibe of 2025 for you so far?
Like, we're reaching the end of it,
and I wanna know your thoughts.
I mean, I'm hoping for 2025,
I do get it to where I don't have to pay federal income tax.
I know they talking about that,
cause you know, I don't have kids,
I don't never get no big ass tax refund.
(05:10):
I usually pay H&R Block $35,
and then the government says, here, we give you a dollar back.
It's a loss for me every year.
So if I can get some income tax money
without getting somebody's daughter pregnant.
Win. Win.
That's a win.
You know what I mean?
I'm not partisan on that.
Side note, were you, this is a weird question.
(05:32):
Were you the Mason that was just off mic
on that episode of Kill Tony?
Yes, yes, I was at Kill Tony with my friend Macy.
I had bought a couple tickets.
Cause I was like Mason, I was like,
I know I'm Mason from Tacoma.
Come down to Austin with me.
If one of us makes it on stage,
it will change our lives forever.
And he made it on stage.
(05:53):
He sure did.
How was that experience?
For me?
Yeah.
It was expensive.
Yeah, it was a whole trip, man.
Yeah, it was an expensive experience.
Shit.
You know, I don't know if anyone's got to witness it.
I won't spoil it or summarize it,
but the episode with Whitney Cummins and Karen Patterson,
my buddy Macy, who's also on Backbooth Bullies,
(06:15):
he went up first and told a couple of jokes.
What's something about like the comedian community
that like the average person wouldn't know?
There are a lot of depressed individuals.
Right.
One thing or two about them.
So not even trying to like exaggerate.
The comedian community is not something like
that's gonna happen overnight,
(06:37):
but it does happen overnight.
Cause like say you woke up today and said,
I wanna be a rapper.
That doesn't mean every rapper in your city
is about to take you serious.
But you come to like three open mics
and make an Instagram page with comedy in the username.
Shit.
You on a flyer tomorrow, boy.
Look at you go.
Open arms.
Yeah, look at her.
You out here just eating a dig.
(07:00):
All across the city, brewery to brewery.
Very nice.
What's like the threshold of comedy?
Like is there a lot of good comedians out there
or you noticing kind of a decline?
No, there's a lot of great ones.
I wish that could have been demonstrated
more on the Kill Tony episode.
Yeah, that would have been.
That could have did a lot for our scene.
But I think what keeps Tacoma from being an Austin
(07:23):
or a New York or LA is one,
we don't necessarily have the star power behind us.
But two, we also don't necessarily have that pathway to say,
here's how you can turn this into a career.
We're all a lot of very talented people,
but we're all competing with ourselves and each other
to show that talent.
(07:43):
Cause it's not like there's a mechanism here for us
to just be in the comedy club and be like,
you just killed it.
Let's give you a sitcom.
You need an hour?
Yeah, that's never gonna happen here.
Yeah, usually getting flown off somewhere else.
No, ain't nobody flying you nowhere.
You gotta take your ass there
and prove you can make it somewhere else.
That's what Tacoma is.
You can get really, really, really good out here
(08:05):
and then you can pop up in another city
and surprise somebody.
It's the workout spot.
Or you can embarrass yourself when you show up out there.
What would you say is like the cream of the crop of Tacoma?
What's the top level job here?
What do you mean?
Like who's the number one comedian out of Tacoma?
No, like, well, yeah, actually let's go with that.
What would you say is one of the funniest dudes to you?
(08:27):
I won't say funniest.
I'll just go and, you know, recognizing their success.
So obviously, Joe Coy, gang.
Obviously, Kev on stage.
He spent some time out here in his lifetime.
Obviously, Nate Jackson.
Like, I'm not gonna, Hans Kim actually used to work
at Tacoma Comedy Club.
So I'm gonna put him. He did?
Yeah.
And then when you go into like the Seattle,
(08:48):
you got obviously Adam Ray, obviously Fahim Anwar.
So, I mean, the talent's there, but it's that.
You gotta get out of here and prove you can make it in the,
you're not a big fish in a little pond.
Right.
So, do you think they just get amnesia as soon as they leave
and they're like, I don't know how I got here.
No, all of those people I mentioned done paid,
(09:10):
they, you know what I mean, dues to where they came from.
But it's also one of those things where it's like,
you don't make it out the hood to go right back.
Right.
There ain't shit to come back here for.
There's a reason you wanna get out of the hood.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, we've seen somebody try to open up a club
right in the smack dab center of the hood
and how long it lasted.
And that's not shade, but.
(09:30):
It makes me sad though.
You know, that's kinda what this crab in the barrel
lifestyle is, so to speak.
So, you know, I'm in Seattle, but I'm from Tacoma.
I don't mean that.
That's not true.
It just came out, right?
Naturally, that's all right.
I understand, I understand.
So, Super Funny is a club here.
Not anymore.
Was.
(09:51):
Was a club here, created by Nate Jackson.
And I'd like to know your take,
what kinda happened with that club.
I don't know.
I haven't worked here in quite some time.
I saw he said, because he has too much stuff going on now,
he can't run the club.
And I'm like, just hire somebody, bro.
Yeah.
Hey, Nate, you know, if you need a dude, you know,
(10:13):
hit us up at definitelynotgood.com.
Yeah, you can hit them up.
I'm cool, Nate.
I still love you, though.
I'll be over at Tacoma Comedy Club.
Shout out to Bark Entertainment.
We got two clubs, one on Downtown, one on Six and Proctor,
where we got comedy for you every night of the week.
So, the game ain't lacking.
Yeah.
Still there.
There we go.
Still two clubs in this town.
(10:33):
Well, speaking of sponsors,
we actually don't have one today,
but we do have a wheel to spin a sponsor.
Yeah, we sure do.
And choose one for us.
That's true.
So, let's go ahead and do that.
Okay.
Ah!
Ah!
The bell!
Oh!
Oh!
That's a spin wheel.
No, I see that does that.
Today's episode is brought to you
by The Drunk Girl at the Party.
(10:54):
Ah, this episode's proudly sponsored
by The Drunk Girl at the Party.
Mason, have you had any encounters
with a drunk girl before?
I mean, I was in the Army, so, you know.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, there was a lot of drunk girls.
Thank you for your service.
Thank you.
Thank you, bro.
Appreciate it.
And what's your take on drunk girls at parties?
It depends, you know.
Are we talking about drunk and hot?
(11:17):
Or are we talking about fat and sloppy, angry,
protected the snacks?
Are we talking about old cougar drunk lady
who is way past her prime?
Well, could you be fat, ugly, sloppy, and still be hot?
Yeah, if you got a great personality.
Fair enough.
I'm with it.
Yeah, I haven't come across a lot of drunk girls,
(11:37):
to be honest. Really?
Well, actually, that's not true.
Like, usually I'm walking somewhere
and then someone drives by and it's like,
Hey, hot stuff!
Yeah, that was a weird encounter.
And then they drive off and I'm like,
wait, what?
That's my encounter with them.
What about you, Nuckety?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Similar situations, a lot of those.
Okay.
And also at parties,
just a girl making a fool of herself.
(11:58):
And just not caring at all.
I like it, that's freedom.
It's fun, it's fun stuff.
Yeah, they're having a good time.
Just don't touch me, that's all.
I don't think it, like,
it also depends on the city you're in, you know?
Cause of like, if I'm in Austin,
and I'm on 6th Street and there's drunk girls,
you should be.
This is a party town, you know what I mean?
If I'm at like Applebee's in Lakewood
(12:19):
and then there's a drunk girl,
maybe calm down.
Yeah, this is kind of annoying right now.
Like, I'm sorry that your lobster was kind of stiff.
Whatever you bitching about.
This lobster is stiff, I want my money back.
Something like that.
Bitch, it's Outback.
Like, why you here an Outback lobster?
Like, there's not even any alcohol in this.
This is just juice, pretty much just juice.
(12:41):
You like the juice though, you drank all the juice, bitch.
Like, you can't give me back a cup of ice.
Oh no, so yeah, drunk people's cool.
Yeah.
Well, thank you, drunk girl.
Thank you for sponsoring us.
I like young drunk bitches that throw up
and then just walk it off like ain't shit happened.
(13:02):
Keep talking.
I feel like that's the coolest thing you could do.
Like, and then just wipe your mouth and be like,
okay, where to next?
Let's keep dancing.
That's impressive.
And then there's gonna be another dude
trying to tongue kiss her at the next bar.
There's gonna be a tongue in her mouth.
Yeah, it's just like, nothing stops her.
Damn.
We puke, it's like, come on, bro.
It's time for you to take it home.
That's resilient.
(13:22):
Has anybody seen my phone?
Yeah, can't find my phone.
Oh, that's always the best, man.
That's the closest you're ever gonna get to being a hero
is a drunk girl coming up asking you for help.
That's how you know you're a good person.
You're not a creep.
You picked me to help you find your lost friend?
Oh, come on.
Yeah, it feels like a quest.
You ain't got shit better to do.
(13:43):
Right?
What else are you doing?
It's 3 a.m., you standing around.
I'll fucking help the drunk girl find
where she could get a hot dog at.
Like a quest in a video game.
Love it, bro.
Thank you, drunk girls.
Thank you.
Mason, what's your top three favorite movies?
Ooh.
The Hateful Eight, the extended version.
Whoa.
Yeah, you gotta watch the extended version
(14:04):
with the four parts.
I like that.
Gosh, a lot going on in that movie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, people die.
Oh yeah.
People do die.
Is that your number one?
That's number one movie right there.
Snap, okay.
I watched that movie a lot.
Most people can't come up with a number one,
so that's good.
Yeah.
Then number two would probably be Bay Bay's Kids.
(14:24):
Wow.
Bay Bay's Kids was a great movie.
That's good stuff.
That related to a lot.
Man.
Were you bummed out when you found out
it wasn't Robin Harris?
No, I always knew, I always knew.
Because this is how I like Bay Bay's Kids, right?
Because it's a little punk ass light skinned kid
raised by a single mom,
and you got this Robin Harris ass nigga
trying to fuck your mama,
and you gotta hang out with these other little
(14:45):
ghetto ass kids that be fucking with you
that you don't even fuck with like that.
Like I felt Bay Bay's Kids, that was my life.
But I never got to go to Disneyland,
so I was still waiting.
Where the fuck is Mr. Harris?
That was crazy that they just went to the Disneyland
of that universe.
Did you see that boy mama?
You'll take them kids to Disneyland.
Fun world, fun world.
(15:08):
I feel like that movie was a little too relatable.
Like on so many levels.
Because I was a kid when I watched it,
and I remember feeling like, man, I hate this guy.
When I was an adult, I'm like, wow,
he's a real dude.
He's a real dude.
He was a real dude.
Yeah, yeah.
Robin was a G.
I remember I tried to watch it with an ex.
She was Serbian, and she hated it.
(15:28):
I guess she saw it from a completely different light.
She was like, they're making all the white people
out to be bad guys.
And I was like, no, I've never seen it that way.
But you do have a point.
White people, bad guys.
No, no, no, no.
You should have been like, have you seen any other movie?
You know what?
I'll let her have her moment,
because what we talking about, drunk girls, right?
(15:49):
Fucked her up.
Damn.
I don't know.
Number three, The Marine Three, Homefront,
starring The Miz.
I was in that movie, so I gotta just go ahead and put it in.
Yeah, I put them to last credit.
This is Mason, FBI agent.
Okay, please.
You're not an FBI agent?
Yeah, it was a WWE movie.
So I was trying to be a wrestler,
(16:09):
and then WWE said, you could just have this, Army Boy.
And I said, thank you.
Well, take it.
What was your favorite part of acting in that?
Craft services.
Oh, I hear good things.
I never knew that, niggas,
because I just came back from Iraq.
This was like my first job after Iraq.
And it was like, what the fuck you mean?
They got a wagon of sandwiches.
(16:31):
They're just food?
Just walking around with a wagon of sandwiches.
Can you imagine if the military
had craft services like that?
Shit.
Russia's done, son.
It's over.
Well-fed, well-oiled machine.
Refill station, anytime you need.
Kool-Aid.
Oh yeah.
Army had good food, though, at times.
Overseas, I ate good.
(16:51):
I got fat.
Every meal was your last meal over there.
I saw online that if you're getting lobster and steak
in the military, that's a bad sign.
No?
Some bases is just gonna do that shit all the time anyway.
Damn, okay.
You know what I mean?
It's a running gag, but if you overseas when I was,
that's like every Friday's dinner.
Okay.
(17:11):
That's like every Friday.
And there's like unlimited chicken wing Thursday.
And then we had like, it was like four times a day
you could eat.
You can go to breakfast, lunch, dinner,
and then they had midnight chow,
which was the leftovers from dinner,
plus the early breakfast mixed with like lunch.
You can get a panini sandwich in the middle of the night, son.
Oh, that's wonderful.
That doesn't sound bad at all.
Omelets in the middle of the night.
(17:32):
You think I could just like sneak in there
and rethink my stance?
You can be a contractor just working the food shit.
Okay.
Yeah, they'll just give you a bunch of like little Indians
that can't speak no English.
And it's your job to just keep them all in line
cooking and cleaning.
Dang, so I just snap my fingers
anytime they're just taking a break.
However, you gotta get it done.
We're not gonna watch you.
(17:54):
Whatever Snow White had to do to get them dwarfs working.
That's what we need you to do.
What did she do to get those dwarfs working?
Pussy.
Ah, well, she didn't have to do much then.
She just kind of laid there.
I mean, don't most of them do that?
The Disney princess?
I imagine most Disney princesses just lay there,
other than like Jasmine from Aladdin
because she was riding that carpet.
(18:14):
I don't think much of them throwing that cooch like that.
I don't think Mulan's like a lay there type of girl either.
She gonna peg you.
Mulan's gonna peg you.
Oof.
See, this is all good.
And then one nigga fucks it up
and be like, remember Lilo from Lilo and Stitch?
And it's like, no!
What's going on?
How did we get here, man?
That person needs to be on a watch list
(18:35):
to bring up Lilo. That is not a Disney princess.
Not her sister.
Yeah, talk about her sister, not Lilo.
Just go to the Incredibles.
Sheesh.
Damn, mom.
Well, let's get started with this dumb ass podcast,
shall we? Oh, if you insist.
Yeah, we're gonna spin.
We're gonna start yet?
Nah. Oh shit.
Should I hit record or?
That's right.
Our first wheel is our genre wheel.
Genre. What are we making today?
(18:57):
Let's find out.
Let's do it.
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
Spin on a wheel baby.
Nice, that's a good sound.
An underdog story.
Underdog story.
Isn't every story like an underdog story though?
The good ones?
If we're being real.
Would you say that...
Fuck, Al Pacino.
Yeah, definitely.
(19:18):
You know what I'm gonna start?
Scarface?
Scarface, underdog, yeah.
Absolutely an underdog story.
Okay, okay.
Then nobody believe that fool.
Right, I can get down with that.
I knew he could do it.
I knew all along Tony could do that shit.
Right, he had humble beginnings.
Humble.
Our next wheel is our...
How I get a scar like this eatin' pussy.
Our next wheel is our setting.
Where is this underdog story taking place?
(19:40):
Spin on a wheel baby, spin on a wheel.
A desert.
Okay, we're really underdoggin' it.
Just straight up a desert.
You ever been in a desert, Mason?
Iraq, yeah.
Oh that's right, you've never been in Iraq.
What's your take on deserts?
Just the desert area,
(20:00):
cause I've never been in a desert.
I like it.
I wish in some ways I can live in that environment
at all times.
I feel like I'm healthiest there.
I'm gonna have my best tan,
and that warm ass weather,
like my muscles is gonna be.
I don't do good in the cold.
Yeah, I don't do good in the cold, son.
Dang.
You know what I mean?
So if I could just be in the heat,
(20:20):
I'd probably be like one of them UFC fighter ass niggas.
She ought to be training in Dubai.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah.
There's something about it,
like just living in those conditions,
your body's just gonna respond and be like,
oh you a beast.
Yeah.
Get at it.
Survival.
Yeah, you can live in 125 degrees,
you don't need to work out, bro.
All you have to do is live in this shit.
You'll be fine.
Your body's working out for you all the time.
(20:41):
All day.
Just drink water.
Right, that's the hard part, water.
Yeah.
Gotta stay hydrated.
Our next wheel is our character job.
Good.
What's the job of the main character?
Spiderman!
Spiderman!
Spiderman!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Assistant to the regional manager.
In the desert.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
(21:02):
Okay.
That's what you get.
Do we maybe get like a,
can you have like a retail store in the desert?
I mean, I don't know why not.
You mean you see all the markets in Atlanta?
Yeah, they're everywhere, man.
I mean, okay.
Like they be selling shit out there, dog.
They be out there, baby.
That's true, that's true.
Okay, our next wheel is our character flaw.
Something's wrong with this assistant
(21:22):
to the regional manager.
What is it?
Spin it!
Spin it!
Spin it!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Spin it!
Ha!
They can't see glass.
All right.
All right.
You look so annoyed.
Guys, I just want to remind everyone who's listening.
The show's called Definitely Not Good.
Yeah, just so you know.
Yeah.
And we're joined by Mason today.
(21:43):
Mason ain't shit.
You gotta say the whole thing.
Mason ain't shit.
Yeah, say the whole thing.
Like a Tribe Called quiz.
Yeah, I need all of that.
Our second to last wheel is our antagonist.
Who's the bad person of the story?
Let's spin it.
Spin it!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Oh shit!
(22:03):
Whoa!
Whoa!
That's a big ass wheel.
Those meddling kids and their dog.
Okay.
So to recap, we have an underdog story
taking place in a desert.
Our main character is an assistant
to the regional manager who can't see glass.
Who cannot see glass.
And the antagonists are some meddling kids.
(22:27):
Okay.
Mason, would you mind playing our assistant
to the regional manager today?
There's no glass in here, is it?
Nope.
Okay, man.
I can't see glass, bro.
What's like a good name for this assistant?
Assistant manager.
Assistant to the manager.
Assistant to the manager in the desert.
The underdog who can't see glass
and keeps getting bothered by these meddling kids.
(22:50):
Yeah, yeah.
How about Hakeem?
Hakeem.
Good name.
Cool.
Excellent name.
Where should we be?
Arizona?
Is there a better desert?
That's the only desert you know, dog.
That's the one in America.
I'm trying not to do an accent.
Nevada, not Vegas?
Oh, we can do Vegas.
Not Vegas, Arena?
Dang.
I guess Vegas would make this a lot easier.
(23:10):
How about this?
Cause there's a lot of glass in this place.
I want some sand dunes, though, dog.
Sand dunes?
Where are you thinking?
Does Australia got deserts?
Let's say yeah.
Let's say yeah.
Yeah, they probably got a desert.
Yeah.
I don't mind doing a bad Australian accent.
Yeah.
Ever.
You can't get careful for that.
That's one of the safe ones.
(23:30):
I ain't doing the most of the shit, though.
All right, so we're in Kangaroo Mart.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, this is the first.
I'm gonna hit you when I stand up.
This is the first Super Mall in the desert of Australia.
Oh.
Nuckety, will you play our manager?
Oh, yeah.
His name is Bucky.
All right.
And Bucky is a no good thief.
(23:55):
A manager who's a thief?
Yeah.
Okay.
He's just a bad guy.
Stealing ass managers.
Is he still from the company or from?
Everybody.
Oh, okay, okay.
He's a little clipped off.
And he gets off on it.
You're getting, it's just a normal Tuesday afternoon
and assistant manager is working the cashier
because there's not enough employees yet.
In comes Susan.
Hi, good day.
(24:16):
Good day to you, Susan.
Hi, I was, I'm sorry.
I'm American.
I actually can't do an Australian accent.
I was trying to match you.
You was killing it.
I was trying to match you guys.
Sorry, I don't wanna be offensive.
Listen, I need to know where your,
do you Australians call them grapes?
Little round things, fruits?
Oh, you mean the gusha berries?
(24:37):
Yes, yes.
Yeah, gusha berries, whatever.
Like whatever you crazy people call them.
Gusha berries.
Right, you know where that's at?
Actually, if you turn around and face that way,
he takes her pocket,
and you will see the sign that says produce.
Oh.
Over there, you see that sign?
Well, thank you very much.
He takes her earrings.
Did you just take my earrings?
(24:58):
No, no, no, no, no, no.
The grapes are over there.
Okay, bye.
And whoever you are, bye.
Oh, I don't matter, it's okay.
So, Hakim and Bucky are at the cashier station.
Susan's the only person in the store,
and she just kinda fucked off.
It's an awkward pause between you guys,
(25:19):
because you both don't like each other.
Not a lot of traffic in this place.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't mind you too much.
You're just your shitty boss who steals stuff.
Sorry, I was doing the inner dialogue thing.
My character has the power
to do the narration of his thoughts.
That's a power, that's a power.
All right, yeah.
Sensitive power.
Yeah.
So you can't hear my thoughts, haha.
(25:40):
Suddenly, another employee comes.
His name is Bob.
Oh, good day, Hakim.
Hey, how's it going?
Bob, right?
Yeah, it's me, Crockett.
It's Bob.
Yeah, man.
I remember you from orientation.
Yeah, fuck orientation.
Oh, shit, it's the boss right here.
Hey, boss.
Hey there, Bob.
Hey, so what's, is this a company,
(26:01):
all hands meeting or some shit?
Yeah, yeah.
We need to sell more celery sticks.
More celery sticks.
More kangaroo meat.
I guess, like.
I thought we called it oxtails.
Yeah, well, it's kangaroo tail.
Oh, why don't we just put kangaroo tails on there?
Why are we telling the people it's oxtails, sir?
(26:22):
Well, because no one will buy it if it's kangaroo.
They like, they don't like oxes.
OK.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, business tactics.
It's a little scummy boss, don't you think?
Where are we getting the kangaroo tails from?
Outside.
OK.
You're telling me they're like real kangaroos?
Oh, there's a whole heap of them outside.
It's not like cow tails, where it's like just candy?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
OK.
No, no.
(26:43):
I'm going to go to produce, or I'm going to fuck off.
Bye, guys.
Produce.
Hey, check on the gusha berries for me, please.
Yeah, I see them.
I see them, I keep them.
Don't squeeze them.
Don't squeeze those berries.
I'm going to squeeze them a little bit.
So you guys are still just standing there awkwardly.
What is Bucky doing?
He's counting the money from the wallet that he just stole.
(27:05):
Because he's a thief, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then he gets a call on his phone, the business phone.
It's a business phone.
And it's corporate.
There's only one kangaroo, right?
But it's a call from corporate.
Hello, Bucky.
(27:25):
Hey there.
Hello?
Hello?
We noticed the profits haven't been very good.
Sorry, you're breaking up.
You're breaking up.
I can't really hear you.
If we don't see a turning profit by the end of the day,
we're going to have to fire your assistant manager.
OK, I heard that.
That's fine.
You know what?
I don't really like him.
(27:46):
Oh, so there's no stakes then?
You're going to fire him at the end of the day?
Only kangaroo stakes, that's all.
All right then.
We hope to see a resignation by the end of the day.
OK, I'll get to work on that.
Cheerio.
Hey, boss, what was that call about?
Oh, nothing.
Nothing for you to worry about.
OK.
Need help with anything?
Yeah, could you actually go help that lady
(28:08):
with the gush of berries?
The white lady with no earrings?
Yes, yes.
She's grabbing a lot.
I don't know why she needs so many.
She's going to take them all.
OK.
Well, here, do me a favor.
Can you hold this box, please?
Uh, hm.
I don't really like touching boxes.
I just need you to have something in your hands
(28:28):
for when I walk away.
Mm-hm.
Fine, I'll take the box.
All right.
He reluctantly grabs the box.
Hey, ma'am, you need help with them gush of berries?
So some time passes, and the lady is now
in the frozen food aisle.
And she's like, oh, I just don't know where.
(28:49):
Do you guys not sell Hot Pockets here?
Your name's Hakeem, right?
Mm-hm.
Do we sell Hot Pockets?
Do you sell Hot Pockets here?
Hot Pockets aren't allowed in Australia.
That's only what Americans sell to their people
to poison off their population sooner so they can die.
Oh, I, is there like a less deadly Hot
Pocket in Australia that you can?
(29:11):
We have these mini beef Wellington pies.
Oh, wow.
Australia sounds nice.
That actually does sound kind of nice.
I think I'm going to, can you grab me one
right there?
I can't reach it.
It's behind that glass door.
The glass?
Yeah, don't you see it?
I mean, can you point to the handle?
My only weakness.
It's right there.
It's like one of those like inserts.
You've got to put your fingers into it,
(29:33):
like you're grabbing inside of something,
and you've got to pull it.
He slowly reaches for it and just
shatters the glass with his hands.
It's just, oh, oh, god.
I'm bleeding.
Oh, I'm bleeding.
I'm bleeding.
Glass everywhere.
Oh, OK.
Ow.
You gush a berry, stilling bitch.
(29:54):
You called me a, I'm going to talk
to your manager about that.
You just got glass all over me.
Bitch.
Fuck you.
I'm bleeding.
I'm bleeding.
Fuck you, Australia.
She walks off.
Need a band-aid.
I'm going to the band-aid section.
Susan walks up to Bucky.
You're a ploy.
You just fucking cut me with all this glass.
(30:16):
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, you see?
You see me?
I'm bleeding.
I have a reason to fire him now.
I mean, I'm sorry, man.
Here, have a free kangaroo burger on the house.
Look at that.
That helps a little bit.
But I will be contacting corporate because of this.
Oh, make sure to tell them that it was Hakeem.
(30:39):
I will.
She takes a bite of the kangaroo.
All right, all right.
She leaves.
She bit the raw kangaroo.
So if that wasn't bad enough, some kids have just entered.
Some rowdy kids.
Fucking kids.
Freaking just like three of them.
They're 10, and they're just little shits.
(30:59):
OK?
Fucking 10-year-olds?
They run around.
Just loose 10-year-olds?
Oh, let's go.
Let's go.
Yeah.
And they're just going in the candy aisle,
and they're fucking taking all the candy,
and they're throwing it all over the store.
And they're making actually a YouTube video.
It's like, my name is Killer125, and I'm
going to fuck some shit up.
(31:20):
Make sure to like and subscribe.
The three kids run past Hakeem and actually push him
a little bit in the way.
And he actually stumbles into more glass and it breaks.
Why is there so much fucking glass in here?
Why do we need so much glass?
This is a glassy store, man.
One of the other employees, his name is Todd.
(31:45):
Todd?
OK.
He is the HR manager.
Hey, Mason.
Sorry.
Hakeem?
Hakeem.
There it is.
Don't call me by my slave name.
My name is Hakeem.
Fuck you, won't.
You coming to give me some stitches to check on this glass?
Yeah, we should manage that.
And maybe let's talk in the office.
You're getting glass everywhere.
I can't see the glass that's still stuck in my hand.
(32:07):
Yeah, ow.
Let's go in the back room real quick.
So some time passes and we actually
get a shot of the security cameras.
And these kids are fucking this whole store up.
What's Bucky doing?
Bucky's in his office watching the telly.
He's watching a different television of,
but not the security.
(32:27):
Not the security.
No, he's watching Living Single.
He loves Living Single.
He's like, ha ha ha ha.
In a 90s kind of world.
Hey Todd.
I'm glad I got my girl.
Hey, it's me, Todd.
That Kadeja.
Hakeem, so Bucky's in the other room.
It's just me and you talking.
What's going on?
(32:48):
You can level with me because I can kind of
tell with the bleeding and the glass
and the yelling at the kids that things aren't
going that well for you.
Are you OK?
Well, I lost a lot of blood.
And I may have adrenaline.
He's like snapping his finger.
Hey, hey, Hakeem, over here.
Is the blood supposed to be squirting out like this?
(33:08):
Can we help me?
Well, I mean, it's more important
that we prioritize the job over kind of like personal things
like bleeding and injuries and stuff.
So we are probably going to have to put you
on a performance review.
But there is opportunity for you to become manager.
(33:30):
And between us, Hakeem, I fucking hate Bucky.
Bucky's fucking terrible.
He fucking, I was in a happy marriage.
And he fucked my wife.
And now she's not my wife anymore.
She's my ex-wife.
You hear Bucky laughing in the background.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ray Jean, you crazy.
(33:50):
Fucking hate that guy.
Hakeem, fucking hate that guy.
I can get you to run this store.
But you got to do better, OK?
You can't complain about fucking glass in your hand
and bleeding and shit.
It doesn't, this is Kangaroo Mart, not fucking like, you know,
Walmart or some shit, you know?
I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your wife.
Oh, it's fine.
It's fine.
It's totally fine.
(34:12):
I'm good.
That's not cool, man.
Like, I know Bucky be stealing and shit.
But he don't need to be fucking people's old ladies.
Yeah, you know.
His wife.
I am doing the best I can, just like everyone.
But I appreciate that, Hakeem.
I'll tell you what.
You know he got a video of it, right?
Sorry, what?
Yeah, he showed me and Bob.
Oh, shit.
(34:33):
There's a video.
Yeah.
Like, you know, your rain camera and shit?
Yeah.
Yeah, he used that to like make the intro.
And then like the baby monitors that you have.
Yeah.
Yeah, he used that to like do the behind the scenes footage.
And it was behind the scenes.
Yeah.
Yeah, like he really edited it.
He used, it's like, you don't got TikTok?
(34:55):
Hakeem, why did, why are you familiar with the behind the scenes?
Did you help him make this video?
Well, I mean, he made a whole documentary of it.
Like, there's like a five minute interview of your wife,
where she talks about your erectile dysfunction
and how this is really your fault.
Suddenly, Bob breaks in and he says,
Oi, this fucking kids are ruining this whole fucking school.
(35:15):
What are you guys doing?
Just talking.
Just hanging out.
Yeah, we're bleeding to death.
Do you got a bandaid?
Yeah, I got one in the fucking back.
I guess I can just grab it.
Why?
I'm bleeding.
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
We got to talk about my performance in the store.
You're fucking purple now, mate.
Shit.
Well, it's just a little gangrene.
Why did you take in the glass out?
(35:36):
I can't, never mind.
Bob, can you close the door?
Bob, yeah, sure.
Close the door.
OK, if you can get rid of these fucking kids,
I'm going to put in a good word to corporate
and I'm going to show all this evidence,
including that video, of why Bucky should be fired.
Deal?
I'll just do whatever for a bandaid.
Whatever it takes.
(35:57):
The end of bleeding.
I'm just going to ignore your inner knowledge
of why this video was produced and how it was produced
and we can work together.
Deal, bro.
He shakes your injured hand.
Oh, man, you should really get that looked at.
All right, I'm going to check in an hour.
So he fucks off.
Right off.
(36:17):
Cut to some time later.
Hakeem is stepping out into the store
and this spot is fucked up now.
There's fucking toilet paper everywhere,
there's fucking candy all over the floor.
These fucking kids.
But people are still trying to shop and they're just like,
it's kind of a shit show.
What the fuck happened?
I'm so sick and tired of little TJ and them coming in here
(36:38):
fucking with me, bro.
All because I didn't pass the ball to him one time on NBA 2K.
They said we going to find where your old ass works
and come tear your life.
I'm so tired of little TJ and them, bro.
One of the kids comes up with a camera phone and says,
would you rather get fucked in the butt or the vagina?
Whoa, what is with these 10 year olds?
Like an interview style, you know,
(37:00):
he's trying to do an interview.
That's a trick question, kid.
Cause if I said vagina, that means I'm a pussy.
And if I said the butt, that means I'm gay.
Oh, this guy's good.
Okay, second question.
If I gave you $5, would you take it or would you double it?
And pass it to the next guy.
And pass it to the next guy.
Just go ahead, just give it to the next guy.
Get out my face now.
(37:20):
Okay, third question.
Mr. Beast or fucking Jake Paul?
Oh no.
I don't know who these people are.
I'm 36 year old and I live in Australia.
One of the kids runs past on a surfboard
and they're like fucking breaking shit.
Oh, wait for me, wait for me.
And they run off, they fuck off.
It's a boogie board, they got soap on the floor,
(37:41):
they're riding boogie boards around the store.
How the fuck did they get a boogie board in here, son?
I'm so tired of little TJ.
Bucky steps out of the office
and sees some of the chaos ensuing.
Oi, what the hell's going on out here?
Oh, okay, I guess nobody,
nobody wants to explain this to me.
I mean, how was living single today, sir?
Oh, it was great.
(38:03):
Did Maxine Shaw, attorney at law, win her case?
She did, she did win.
It was a good case, it was the biggest case of her career.
Really made her, she was very happy.
But then it all went to shit.
That's pretty cool, that's pretty cool.
Yeah, we'll start cleaning this up, Mr. Bucky.
Don't you worry.
Oh, well you better.
(38:23):
I don't know how boss is talking.
We're gonna take a short break.
A short one?
And get right back to this amazing story.
Don't go anywhere.
God, I've never seen anything better than this.
Don't we just watch Rocco's Modern Life?
No.
Cut!
Hey, we're back and we have another sponsor.
(38:45):
A Let's Spin That Sponsor Wheel.
Yeah!
Today's episode is also brought to you by Phones.
This episode is proudly sponsored by Phones.
Proudly.
All of them.
Not one, not one single brand, just all Phones.
(39:06):
Just all the Phones, man.
It's kinda crazy I was talking about Phones today.
And I miss phone booths.
You miss phone booths?
Yeah.
Yeah, where else is Superman supposed to change?
Right, you're just gonna have to fucking not.
Not change.
It was a good place to cut somebody out.
I'm gonna go in this little box.
I'm gonna put a quarter in here.
(39:27):
I'm gonna call somebody.
I'm gonna tell them what the fuck I gotta say.
Yeah.
But like phone booths were kinda gross though, right?
Were they gross?
I mean, I don't think anyone ever came through to clean them.
That's true.
That's true.
Maybe someone once in a while.
A lot of heads touched that receiver.
Yeah, yeah.
And I was, the reason that came up
was because we're talking about Carrot Top.
And, okay.
(39:48):
And that's a dot?
Carrot Top got famous from commercials
where he was doing the whole like,
call 1-800-CO-LL-ECT, it's free for you,
cheap for them type shit.
You know what I'm talking about?
Is that how he got famous?
That's how he got fucking famous.
Because like people would call that
(40:09):
to like on their payphones, I guess.
I don't know.
1-800-Collect?
Yeah.
Yeah, that was a big thing.
In the 90s.
Right?
I thought he was just a prop comic, man.
They used to sponsor WWE.
That's how I knew it.
Or WWF.
How do we feel about cell phones?
Smart phones, rather.
It's a conundrum, man.
(40:29):
Cause they're ruining our lives,
but they're making our lives so much better.
Cause without them, what?
What?
What?
What?
You know?
Are you a fan of smartphones?
Yeah, man.
I love technology.
I think the early adapters is always the achievers.
Remember, I imagine at one point in human history,
nigga was like,
(40:50):
I ain't fucking with that fire shit.
Yeah, that was crazy.
Rick?
You talking about Rick, right?
What you doing with the wheels, son?
See, I could just drag.
Why are you trying to, man?
You know, so.
Rick couldn't wait to halt progress.
Damn, fucking Rick almost stopped us all
from firing wheels, man.
That's crazy.
I know, we're a fucking piece of shit.
Fuck you, Rick.
I'm with you on that.
(41:10):
I think, I also think phones are super addictive.
The thing that I need phones for though, is GPS.
Like me getting around without GPS, it's not gonna work.
Just, it just won't.
Well, that's like saying thousands of years ago,
I can't live without my compass.
Mm.
See what I'm saying?
All this is, is the modern day compass.
(41:31):
Yeah, we just reeing up, man.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe I should just get a compass.
If you did, you'd be a cold motherfucker, bro.
You'd also be a lost motherfucker.
What the fuck, it said south, and now it says east.
You're holding a magnet, man.
Thank you, Phones.
Thanks, Phones.
For sponsoring us today.
What a good sponsor, that one.
What a great sponsor.
(41:52):
Communication.
Mason, who's your favorite cartoon character?
Probably Cartman.
Cartman?
Yeah, Cartman go hard.
What makes you like Cartman?
He's a consistent character.
He's very consistent, that's true.
You know, and like a good, he can play the protagonist,
he can play the antagonist,
(42:12):
but what he can do very well is he can get his comeuppance.
And it never diminishes his character.
It only makes his character stronger.
Oh, he got beat up by Wendy?
Ah, shit.
It only makes him better.
There's nothing that happens to him.
That is like, all right, that's the downfall of Cartman.
Not ever.
Yeah.
Remember they took his phone?
We just talked about phones.
(42:33):
What happened when they took his phone?
The nigga got a girlfriend.
And smutted that bitch out.
Eric Cartman is unstoppable.
Yeah.
Wait, wait, we talking about the coon, right?
The coon?
Yeah, the coon.
Fucking coon.
That's what I heard, right?
They say we're gonna kick you out the crew.
Now this nigga partner with a mystical beef, Cthulhu.
I didn't even know that was a real thing.
Cartman tamed Cthulhu
(42:54):
because y'all didn't wanna fucking play pretend with him.
You see, you see what he does?
Yep.
You remember when that one kid
just did something really regular to him,
so he had his parents murdered and put in jail?
And turned out that was his own parents too.
Now he killed his own dad.
Wilda.
That was Cartman's dad he killed
and fed to his half brother.
All because of some pubes.
You can't fuck with Cartman, bro.
Only person who can fuck with Cartman
(43:15):
and get away with it is Butters.
Because Butters is so innocent.
Can't nobody fuck with Butters.
Yeah.
I'll beat your ass, nigga.
But other than that, it's a wrap, son.
I'm so glad I don't have an Eric Cartman in my life.
I'd be rough.
You're not living without an Eric Cartman in your life.
I would fight him.
I would fight that dude every week.
(43:36):
Where we last left off, Kangaroo Mart, Hakeem,
dealing with some kids,
but maybe dealing with a promotion also,
if he can get rid of them.
Meanwhile, we have Bucky, Thief, General Manager.
He's not a good guy.
He's kind of a piece of shit.
He's not a good guy.
But he does love living singles,
so he's kind of cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We like to throw a wrench in Already Broken Stories,
(43:58):
so we're going to spin one more wheel.
One on Moms.
Called The Topic Wheel.
Let's do it.
Oh, my back.
My back.
Cat.
Okay.
So, do you remember,
there was an old, old, old, old cartoon.
(44:20):
Felix?
No, not older than that.
Old, old, like in the 50s, 60s.
There was about a silkworm,
and every time somebody said so,
he'd start sewing a sweater.
Nobody ever remembers that.
Nah, man.
Nobody remembers it.
I remember the little bird that was like,
I wanna sing about the moon and the juna and the springer.
I wanna, you know that, nigga?
Oh, continue, please.
(44:40):
Nah, you know that?
Oh, yeah, hell yeah.
Why don't you sing along then?
Because I wanted you to sing it.
I wanted to hear that shit.
I like your beautiful voice, man.
Exactly.
About the sky, oh, nah, y'all don't wanna hear it.
Y'all don't wanna hear it.
Y'all ain't ready for it.
Anything with the swinger.
So, a cat lady comes in,
and she's got four cats on her body,
and her name is Clara.
(45:01):
Oh, I know Clara.
Clara the cat lady.
Excuse me, where's the cat food at?
I can't see, I'm blind.
I can't see anything shit.
How did you get in here?
Shit, where's the cat food at?
Hey, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down.
Who's talking?
Hello?
My name's Bucky.
(45:21):
Bucky?
Yeah, my name's Bucky.
Well, you're, okay, all right, yeah.
Hey, you're blind, you're blind.
You don't know what's going on.
I don't see anything.
I need to find cat food.
Okay.
All right, so I'm gonna help you find this cat food.
Sure, yeah.
Really, I gave her some dog food.
Oh, shit.
So she takes the dog food.
(45:42):
Okay, I'm just gonna leave now, all right?
Well, let me hold, like, you got any money?
Does any of the cats have money on them?
Everybody wants money.
You don't got any money?
Just get a little bit of money.
She pulls her cat purse out, and...
It's a dead cat.
I don't know what the currency is in Australia.
It's dollar-a-doos.
His fucking five dollar-a-doos.
Oh, okay.
(46:03):
Fuck.
But she blind, she gave me $500-a-doos.
She sure did.
All right, I'm fucking getting out of here.
She crawls out.
All right.
One of the cats is lingering back
and looking at me like I ain't shit.
Come here, Missy!
You're gone, Missy, mind your fucking business.
Missy pees on his shoes.
Bob walks in.
Boy, what the fuck was that?
(46:24):
Missy's a boy cat.
You just gave her dog food.
No, Bucky just gave her dog food.
Oh, shit!
That's devious.
You're trying to get him fired.
Look, man, you see what happened
to my fucking hand today?
Oh, fuck!
It's still bleeding.
It's still bleeding.
That's purple.
That's purple, mate.
Whoa.
Well, Bucky won't let me get off to go to the hospital.
(46:45):
I mean, bro, if you want to get off,
there's a bathroom right over there.
You can just get off as long as you want.
Not like that.
I-07 has lotion.
This is my get-off hand anyway,
so I can't do that if I want it to.
Oh, that fucking sucks, man.
Oh, you're a lefty.
I didn't know you were a fucking lefty, man.
Wait, you guys shake with the hand you jack-wet?
Yeah, don't you?
Oh, my God, I hate this country.
Going back to America.
Everything's backwards here.
(47:05):
Everything's backwards, and I'll show you.
Well, hold on.
I actually, just to be honest,
I heard you and Todd talking in the back,
so I heard you're trying to get a promotion,
and I fucking think you should be the manager, too, Hakeem.
Look, man, if I was the manager,
I could finally put a stop to Lil' TJ
and them coming in here fucking up the store every day.
(47:26):
Oh, you mean those fucking kids?
His name's TJ.
They're still there, like, slapping bags of chips
till they pop.
Little orphan bastards.
I fucking hate orphans.
I hate the one with the silver teeth.
Oh, I fucking hate that guy, too.
I fucking hate the girl with the pigtails.
Fucking who does that still?
That's crazy.
She be stealing deodorant,
because she really needs it, though.
(47:47):
I see her eating some deodorant.
It's fucking wild shit, mate.
Her breath smells better now, though.
That's true.
That's fucking true.
That spring body spray that does that shit.
It smells like teen spirit.
Well, listen, I'm gonna put in a good word.
I'm gonna call corporate and tell them what's happening here
and say that Bucky is fucking giving dog food to cat ladies.
You seen it.
I saw it.
With his very own eyes.
With my own fucking two eyes.
(48:07):
Hakeem, do me a favor for you, Lee, though.
What's that?
Is there any glass in here?
We're in the fucking frozen aisle, mate.
There's glass everywhere.
Oh, shit.
Can you help me get out of here, please?
You just fucking walk down the aisle, man.
Just walk with me.
Just, okay, fuck.
Come on, can you take me to the Band-Aids?
I'm just stuck here.
You fucking Band-Aids?
You scared to move?
Don't bleed everywhere, bro.
(48:28):
Jeez.
Thanks, man.
So time has passed.
It's the next day.
And we're doing-
Did he ever get bandaged up?
He got one SpongeBob Band-Aid.
But it's already soaked up and fucked up.
It's red?
It's the next day.
We're in the frozen food aisle
where it's kind of like a table,
(48:48):
but it's frozen food and chicken and duck and shit.
And it's Bucky leading the meeting
and Bob's there.
Bob's your uncle.
I just wanted to say that.
He's not actually your uncle.
Oh, okay.
Fucking Hakeem's there and Corporate is there too.
Corporate?
Corporate man.
All right.
Bucky, do you want to just start this all hands
(49:09):
or how do you usually do things here?
We draw straws to see who goes first.
Oh, fuck.
Okay.
I suppose.
It's not me.
It's not me either.
Oh, it's fucking Hakeem.
Hakeem, you had the floor.
Well, I think that we need to do something
about the children that keep coming in here every day
(49:30):
and calling me a fuck.
The kids are already inside.
They've gotten here early
and they're breaking shit in the background.
Already.
We're not even open.
Like, I understand that the company sponsors these kids
and they all have millions of followers
and you just let them do this
for advertisement on the TikTok.
Correct.
But can you please tell them to quit fucking with me?
(49:52):
See, the thing is TikTok's paying us a lot of money
for them to be here and make videos.
A lot of money.
So...
A lot of dollary days.
A lot of dollary days.
So you're gonna have to suck it up.
Yeah, suck it up.
They put me inside one of the kangaroos' pouches.
How did they physically do that, Hakeem?
With all of their collective strength.
They fucking tricked me.
(50:13):
One of them is weak,
five of them, they're strong, and they have glass.
Well, that fucking makes sense, I guess,
except the glass part.
It's kind of fucking weird.
Okay, thank you very much, Hakeem.
Input duly noted.
I guess I'll go first, or second, rather.
Yeah, Bucky, you're fired.
Oh!
What?
(50:34):
Why?
Why?
What a fucking great question that is, mate.
We got a complaint from our longtime founder,
Ms. Cat Lady, okay?
Our founder?
She fucking said you gave her dog food.
Dog food?
All her fucking cats died.
Why would I give her dog food?
I don't know, why would you fucking give her dog food, mate?
(50:56):
That doesn't sound anything like me.
Nah, you're fucking fired.
You know what?
You know what?
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you harder.
Why?
And fuck all of y'all.
Thank you, duly noted.
It doesn't have to be like this, Bucky.
Yes, it does.
Just leave with your dignity.
He flips the table.
(51:18):
I don't know how he did that.
Fucking singin' this, mate.
All right, who's next?
Bob.
Hey, what's going on?
Hey, hey, hey, it's me, Bob.
Yeah, I just wanted to say I think Hakeem
should be the new general manager.
He's real good, he's a real good guy,
and I fucking love that guy, man.
Fucking love that mate.
Me?
Yeah, Bob's, you know, sorry, I'm Bob.
He's Hakeem, he's great.
(51:40):
All four Bob being manager, please say aye.
Fucking aye.
Fucking aye, yes, yes.
The corporate guy is like, hmm.
All right.
All opposed.
I guess no one's opposed.
No one's opposed, unanimous.
Hakeem, I guess you're the fucking manager now.
Wow.
Hell yeah, does this mean I can get ready to kiss?
(52:00):
I mean, yeah, mate, if you can do it.
You're the manager.
Victory.
And, you know, I usually say this privately,
but it's a fucking who cares.
Your salary's just bumped up to like $300,000, dude, so.
You got fucking.
It's a nice bump, a nice pay bump.
Oh, wow, I'll finally be able to afford that podcast studio.
I always want it.
(52:21):
You can do whatever the fuck you want with your money, mate.
I was drinking you asshole.
So some time passes and his Hakeem's fucking nameplate
gets replaced with a gold plated Hakeem nameplate.
And he puts on a different hat.
It's on a tank.
That's just a little, for some reason,
he puts a crown on his head.
(52:43):
Like the biggie's mom.
Well, it's really to distract that there's bittersweet
that even though Hakeem has become manager,
he now has a hook for a hand
because he lost that gangrene infected hand.
Damn.
With the glass in it.
It shriveled up and fell off.
But now he has a cool ass pirate hook hand
that he leads with.
Gangsta.
And everyone respects.
(53:04):
That's what I'm talking about.
So it's the next, about a week has passed
and Hakeem is going through the fucking frozen food aisle,
looking at the pizzas and he with his hook hand
is tapping on the glass.
He can see it now.
He's not, he has a high enough salary
to not be fucking weird with his eyesight.
(53:24):
He got laser glass eye surgery.
Exactly.
Yeah, it came from losing the senses in my hand
and it restored them to my eyes.
Exactly.
The other ones got stronger.
Yeah, cause it was my wanking hand.
I needed to lose it anyway.
That's what was really holding my character back in life.
All that blood was going straight to that hand.
It was crazy.
It was dehydrated from all the loss of that glass.
It's too much wanking.
(53:45):
One of the kids comes up and his name is TJ.
He says, hey, hey, hey, I'm recording for a video.
Would you rather, would you rather fucking touch,
touch a, touch an ass or touch a booty hole?
And then I pull out my hook hand and I say,
how about I touch your booty hole kid with this hook?
(54:07):
Oh shit, no, no.
That video gets about a hundred thousand million.
So not that great.
The first trillion view video.
Right, right.
It blows up, it's viral.
And that's the end guys.
That's how it ends.
We fucking did it.
That's how this story ends, you guys.
I just had to lose a hand and touch some kids.
Duh, that's my life, dog.
(54:28):
That's fucking Australia, man.
Yeah, Australia.
That's weird, man.
That's how it goes.
Loosely based on a true story.
Right.
In the desert too.
I don't know how important that was.
It wasn't very.
Kangaroo mark.
We made it work.
You just had to remember it in the back of your head.
Are kangaroos even in the desert?
I don't think so.
I don't even think there is really a desert.
There's not a desert.
(54:48):
In the DJ.
They was thinking.
I'm gonna look at them.
We're gonna find one.
Definitely not good.
They have beaches.
They have beaches and they got heat.
So they got sand.
It's hot as fuck.
Australia's deserts cover about 18% of Australian mainland.
Okay.
That's a lot of Australia.
And the land confidence is considered dry.
Okay.
(55:09):
We're at this shitty ass kangaroo mark
in the middle of the desert.
Hell yeah.
Okay.
We're accurate.
I'm gonna say that we manifested that shit, man.
Yeah, we did.
Yeah, we just changed the whole earth topography.
That was because of definitely not good.
Right, right.
That's the reason guys.
I wanna thank our special guest today.
Mason 8 Shit.
Appreciate it.
Where can they find you online?
(55:30):
At Mason 8 Shit.
Like on TikTok.
TikTok.
All of it.
Instagram, Facebook.
All them fuckers.
The YouTube.
You can see the standups.
You can see the backbooth bully show
I produce with the homies every Monday.
It's different.
It's not a normal comedy show.
It's more of like a podcast improv game show.
(55:51):
Like first episodes, we lit someone's balls on fire.
You can't even show that.
Yeah.
We have taser comedy.
We done, we done been zapping motherfuckers on stage.
We bring hoes out the audience, give them the taser,
let them zap a comic for when they suck.
Wow.
When you buy the VIP purchase for the show,
you get a goodie bag.
So that's why if you see in the pictures,
(56:12):
like why are all the people out there wearing party hats
and blowing bubbles?
Because I produce my show like a child's birthday party.
Cause I want that much fun out of it.
So you can come to Backbooth Bullies
at Downtown Tacoma Comedy Club every Monday.
Doors open at 6.30.
I film it, direct it, put it out online.
You can watch it at Backbooth Bullies on YouTube.
(56:32):
That sounds like a good ass time.
Yeah, yo, check that out.
Yeah, y'all come out on Monday, man.
Come have fun.
Absolutely.
You gotta, hey, listen to, you, hey, hey.
Put that on the shirt.
Listen, you should go to that.
Right.
That sounds like a good time.
Yeah, I mean, I think I probably will, so.
Yeah, come through.
Good shout out.
What's the next show you're doing other than that one?
(56:54):
I'm going to the UFC.
So fuck it, come see me at the UFC fights.
I'ma be competing.
Oh, you're fighting?
Yeah, I'ma get in the ring.
Well, I mean, I'ma try to hop the sense.
Hold on, I think February 23rd, either.
I'll probably be at one of Tacoma Comedy Clubs.
I think that day we got the Black Jokes
(57:14):
going down at downtown, and we got Roaster Mania,
then my boy Nar successfully spearheads at the six.
Yo, nice.
So.
Well, thank you once again, Mason.
Yeah, do check out that show on Monday.
That sounds like a good ass time.
Good ass time.
Hell yeah.
Backbooth Bullies.
Nuckety, where can they find your ass?
They can find me at N-U-Q-A-D-Y on all the social medias.
(57:37):
Oh, okay.
Yeah, nice.
And they can also check us out at linktree.com slash D-N-G-P-O-D.
I think if they want, they can click the merch link
and buy a Definitely Not Good shirt.
I think Definitely Not Good.
Yeah, I think so.
Somebody hit me today and said the merch store was down,
but then I sent them a link,
and they were like, okay, this one works.
(57:57):
Yeah, well, if it's down,
just, what's?
Hit me directly at N-U-Q-A-D-Y
and I'll hook you up with a better link.
Yeah, definitely get a hat, you know?
Get a hat, I like my hat, my hat's a good hat.
I can endorse this hat, it's good.
I wear the shit out this hat.
Hell yeah.
All right, that's it, guys.
We won't hold you hostage anymore until the next episode.
(58:21):
So, catch you later, bye.
Here's a spoiler, in the next episode,
I'm gonna lick you in the ear.
Oh, snap.
Definitely Not Good.
What up, you dingus?
(00:01):
This is definitely not good.
The podcast where we create stories
and they're definitely probably not good.
Maybe, I don't know.
I'm your host CJ and I'm joined by my producer, Nuckity.
Gargle.
Hey, today we have a very, very special guest.
We are joined by Mason 8 Shit.
What's up, y'all?
It's your boy Mason 8 Shit,
(00:22):
famed local comedian with a whopping 1,600 followers.
Ooh!
Look at him go.
Yeah.
Sky, you're not getting any sleep.
We're blowing up any day now, dawg.
Absolutely.
I don't know how Nuckity talked you into coming,
but we're glad you're here.
With my silver tongue, that's how.
I mean, at 1,600 followers,
(00:43):
I pretty much answer every book in DM.
So.
That's a good point.
That's a good point.
That's a good point.
That's how you get out.
Well, I don't know what this is,
but it's definitely not good.
(01:13):
Hey, if it's your first time listening,
this is pretty much how everything works.
We are amazing storytellers.
Amazing.
And it's our job, our sacred duty,
to come up with a story completely from scratch
with a little twist.
We have a series of wheels we're gonna spin,
each of them random.
And depending on where they land,
we have to somehow incorporate it into a story
(01:33):
to the best of our ability.
To the best of our ability.
As best, you know, as well as we can do.
That's the show.
We'll get to that later.
Motherfucker.
Stay tuned for some sponsors
that are totally real and not fake.
Yeah, hang on, hang on.
Totally real this time, guys.
But before that, let's welcome Mason.
Mason, you're here, man.
Yeah, man, appreciate y'all boys, man.
This is a really dope shing dig you have.
(01:55):
Thank you, man.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Compliment your grass walls and your wood panels
and your carpets and cushy chairs.
I like people to not know which way's up in here, yeah.
Niggas got a box of Kleenex in here in case.
Yeah, just in case I had to be crying.
In case he gets emotional.
Good happens, you know.
We get to the dramas.
So I understand you're a comedian?
Yeah, I be telling a little jokey jokes
(02:17):
and shit around here.
Nice, nice.
What's like your least favorite person at a comedy show?
Whoever's not tipping the staff.
Oh.
There's no point in having you here
if you coming out to the club to act broken shit.
Dang, even if they're like laughing though,
but they don't tip?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, you can laugh at me for free on the internet,
but when you bought the ticket to come,
(02:38):
you know what I mean, it's a night out.
Enjoy your night out, don't, you know what I mean,
not show love to the staff
because they make the whole experience possible.
Yeah, that's wild.
You know what I mean?
What do you, how do you feel about Tacoma?
I fucks with it, you know,
I'm at Tacoma Comedy Club all the time.
I got my Monday night show there,
backbooth bully, so they take care of me.
I do my best to take care of them, you know.
(02:59):
It's the city, you wanna make it out
just to make it right back, I guess.
Yeah, well, shout out to Tacoma Comedy Club,
my sponsor, but.
Not a sponsor yet.
Shout out to them.
I know Nugby likes to start with a little warmup
to make our guests, you know,
like get the creative juices flowing.
Yeah, how are your juices doing, man?
I mean, I don't usually get asked about my juices
(03:22):
like that, brother.
Yeah, well, that's the kind of stuff
you get coming around here, man.
Oh, shit.
I worry about your juices, Mason.
I knew this was a casting couch.
I knew this shit looked familiar.
Why are your pants still on?
I'm juicy, nigga, I'm juicy enough.
All right, I'll go.
Just to put a little bit more juice,
could you, to the best of your ability,
the best of your ability, go ahead and hum
(03:44):
the Our Real Monsters theme song for me?
Bro, I'm too old to remember that.
Like Our Real Monsters, I had that game on Sega Genesis.
Me too.
Yeah, that's what I did.
Well, I guess you're gonna have to make it up,
whatever you remember from it.
I just remember the bitch would be like,
Icky!
And then you had the one with the eyeballs in his hands,
(04:05):
but he had the armpits.
That's why I don't like armpits to this day because of him.
Like when we're-
Because of Seth Rogen?
Seth Rogen played that?
No, I'm not.
No, no, no, but that-
I would have believed it too.
That's what I think of.
Yeah, I was like, wait a minute.
Every time I think of Crumb, I think of Seth Rogen.
Yeah.
It's understandable.
Every time I see like hippie white girls
that don't shave their armpits,
I think of that Real Monster.
(04:27):
Mm-hmm.
He was a good one, he was a good one.
Crumb, that's his name?
Yeah, Crumb.
I remember Icky's.
And Oblina.
That was the tall skinny bitch.
Yeah, yeah, she was a candy cane.
She had them lips.
Right, she was just lips.
And pucker up, she was mostly lips.
Yeah, as a good woman should be.
Can we get a round of applause for Mason?
Yeah!
Fantastic, thank you very much.
(04:49):
Mason, let's get to know you a little bit.
A little bit.
So, like, what's the vibe of 2025 for you so far?
Like, we're reaching the end of it,
and I wanna know your thoughts.
I mean, I'm hoping for 2025,
I do get it to where I don't have to pay federal income tax.
I know they talking about that,
cause you know, I don't have kids,
I don't never get no big ass tax refund.
(05:10):
I usually pay H&R Block $35,
and then the government says, here, we give you a dollar back.
It's a loss for me every year.
So if I can get some income tax money
without getting somebody's daughter pregnant.
Win. Win.
That's a win.
You know what I mean?
I'm not partisan on that.
Side note, were you, this is a weird question.
(05:32):
Were you the Mason that was just off mic
on that episode of Kill Tony?
Yes, yes, I was at Kill Tony with my friend Macy.
I had bought a couple tickets.
Cause I was like Mason, I was like,
I know I'm Mason from Tacoma.
Come down to Austin with me.
If one of us makes it on stage,
it will change our lives forever.
And he made it on stage.
(05:53):
He sure did.
How was that experience?
For me?
Yeah.
It was expensive.
Yeah, it was a whole trip, man.
Yeah, it was an expensive experience.
Shit.
You know, I don't know if anyone's got to witness it.
I won't spoil it or summarize it,
but the episode with Whitney Cummins and Karen Patterson,
my buddy Macy, who's also on Backbooth Bullies,
(06:15):
he went up first and told a couple of jokes.
What's something about like the comedian community
that like the average person wouldn't know?
There are a lot of depressed individuals.
Right.
One thing or two about them.
So not even trying to like exaggerate.
The comedian community is not something like
that's gonna happen overnight,
(06:37):
but it does happen overnight.
Cause like say you woke up today and said,
I wanna be a rapper.
That doesn't mean every rapper in your city
is about to take you serious.
But you come to like three open mics
and make an Instagram page with comedy in the username.
Shit.
You on a flyer tomorrow, boy.
Look at you go.
Open arms.
Yeah, look at her.
You out here just eating a dig.
(07:00):
All across the city, brewery to brewery.
Very nice.
What's like the threshold of comedy?
Like is there a lot of good comedians out there
or you noticing kind of a decline?
No, there's a lot of great ones.
I wish that could have been demonstrated
more on the Kill Tony episode.
Yeah, that would have been.
That could have did a lot for our scene.
But I think what keeps Tacoma from being an Austin
(07:23):
or a New York or LA is one,
we don't necessarily have the star power behind us.
But two, we also don't necessarily have that pathway to say,
here's how you can turn this into a career.
We're all a lot of very talented people,
but we're all competing with ourselves and each other
to show that talent.
(07:43):
Cause it's not like there's a mechanism here for us
to just be in the comedy club and be like,
you just killed it.
Let's give you a sitcom.
You need an hour?
Yeah, that's never gonna happen here.
Yeah, usually getting flown off somewhere else.
No, ain't nobody flying you nowhere.
You gotta take your ass there
and prove you can make it somewhere else.
That's what Tacoma is.
You can get really, really, really good out here
(08:05):
and then you can pop up in another city
and surprise somebody.
It's the workout spot.
Or you can embarrass yourself when you show up out there.
What would you say is like the cream of the crop of Tacoma?
What's the top level job here?
What do you mean?
Like who's the number one comedian out of Tacoma?
No, like, well, yeah, actually let's go with that.
What would you say is one of the funniest dudes to you?
(08:27):
I won't say funniest.
I'll just go and, you know, recognizing their success.
So obviously, Joe Coy, gang.
Obviously, Kev on stage.
He spent some time out here in his lifetime.
Obviously, Nate Jackson.
Like, I'm not gonna, Hans Kim actually used to work
at Tacoma Comedy Club.
So I'm gonna put him. He did?
Yeah.
And then when you go into like the Seattle,
(08:48):
you got obviously Adam Ray, obviously Fahim Anwar.
So, I mean, the talent's there, but it's that.
You gotta get out of here and prove you can make it in the,
you're not a big fish in a little pond.
Right.
So, do you think they just get amnesia as soon as they leave
and they're like, I don't know how I got here.
No, all of those people I mentioned done paid,
(09:10):
they, you know what I mean, dues to where they came from.
But it's also one of those things where it's like,
you don't make it out the hood to go right back.
Right.
There ain't shit to come back here for.
There's a reason you wanna get out of the hood.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, we've seen somebody try to open up a club
right in the smack dab center of the hood
and how long it lasted.
And that's not shade, but.
(09:30):
It makes me sad though.
You know, that's kinda what this crab in the barrel
lifestyle is, so to speak.
So, you know, I'm in Seattle, but I'm from Tacoma.
I don't mean that.
That's not true.
It just came out, right?
Naturally, that's all right.
I understand, I understand.
So, Super Funny is a club here.
Not anymore.
Was.
(09:51):
Was a club here, created by Nate Jackson.
And I'd like to know your take,
what kinda happened with that club.
I don't know.
I haven't worked here in quite some time.
I saw he said, because he has too much stuff going on now,
he can't run the club.
And I'm like, just hire somebody, bro.
Yeah.
Hey, Nate, you know, if you need a dude, you know,
(10:13):
hit us up at definitelynotgood.com.
Yeah, you can hit them up.
I'm cool, Nate.
I still love you, though.
I'll be over at Tacoma Comedy Club.
Shout out to Bark Entertainment.
We got two clubs, one on Downtown, one on Six and Proctor,
where we got comedy for you every night of the week.
So, the game ain't lacking.
Yeah.
Still there.
There we go.
Still two clubs in this town.
(10:33):
Well, speaking of sponsors,
we actually don't have one today,
but we do have a wheel to spin a sponsor.
Yeah, we sure do.
And choose one for us.
That's true.
So, let's go ahead and do that.
Okay.
Ah!
Ah!
The bell!
Oh!
Oh!
That's a spin wheel.
No, I see that does that.
Today's episode is brought to you
by The Drunk Girl at the Party.
(10:54):
Ah, this episode's proudly sponsored
by The Drunk Girl at the Party.
Mason, have you had any encounters
with a drunk girl before?
I mean, I was in the Army, so, you know.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, there was a lot of drunk girls.
Thank you for your service.
Thank you.
Thank you, bro.
Appreciate it.
And what's your take on drunk girls at parties?
It depends, you know.
Are we talking about drunk and hot?
(11:17):
Or are we talking about fat and sloppy, angry,
protected the snacks?
Are we talking about old cougar drunk lady
who is way past her prime?
Well, could you be fat, ugly, sloppy, and still be hot?
Yeah, if you got a great personality.
Fair enough.
I'm with it.
Yeah, I haven't come across a lot of drunk girls,
(11:37):
to be honest. Really?
Well, actually, that's not true.
Like, usually I'm walking somewhere
and then someone drives by and it's like,
Hey, hot stuff!
Yeah, that was a weird encounter.
And then they drive off and I'm like,
wait, what?
That's my encounter with them.
What about you, Nuckety?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Similar situations, a lot of those.
Okay.
And also at parties,
just a girl making a fool of herself.
(11:58):
And just not caring at all.
I like it, that's freedom.
It's fun, it's fun stuff.
Yeah, they're having a good time.
Just don't touch me, that's all.
I don't think it, like,
it also depends on the city you're in, you know?
Cause of like, if I'm in Austin,
and I'm on 6th Street and there's drunk girls,
you should be.
This is a party town, you know what I mean?
If I'm at like Applebee's in Lakewood
(12:19):
and then there's a drunk girl,
maybe calm down.
Yeah, this is kind of annoying right now.
Like, I'm sorry that your lobster was kind of stiff.
Whatever you bitching about.
This lobster is stiff, I want my money back.
Something like that.
Bitch, it's Outback.
Like, why you here an Outback lobster?
Like, there's not even any alcohol in this.
This is just juice, pretty much just juice.
(12:41):
You like the juice though, you drank all the juice, bitch.
Like, you can't give me back a cup of ice.
Oh no, so yeah, drunk people's cool.
Yeah.
Well, thank you, drunk girl.
Thank you for sponsoring us.
I like young drunk bitches that throw up
and then just walk it off like ain't shit happened.
(13:02):
Keep talking.
I feel like that's the coolest thing you could do.
Like, and then just wipe your mouth and be like,
okay, where to next?
Let's keep dancing.
That's impressive.
And then there's gonna be another dude
trying to tongue kiss her at the next bar.
There's gonna be a tongue in her mouth.
Yeah, it's just like, nothing stops her.
Damn.
We puke, it's like, come on, bro.
It's time for you to take it home.
That's resilient.
(13:22):
Has anybody seen my phone?
Yeah, can't find my phone.
Oh, that's always the best, man.
That's the closest you're ever gonna get to being a hero
is a drunk girl coming up asking you for help.
That's how you know you're a good person.
You're not a creep.
You picked me to help you find your lost friend?
Oh, come on.
Yeah, it feels like a quest.
You ain't got shit better to do.
(13:43):
Right?
What else are you doing?
It's 3 a.m., you standing around.
I'll fucking help the drunk girl find
where she could get a hot dog at.
Like a quest in a video game.
Love it, bro.
Thank you, drunk girls.
Thank you.
Mason, what's your top three favorite movies?
Ooh.
The Hateful Eight, the extended version.
Whoa.
Yeah, you gotta watch the extended version
(14:04):
with the four parts.
I like that.
Gosh, a lot going on in that movie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, people die.
Oh yeah.
People do die.
Is that your number one?
That's number one movie right there.
Snap, okay.
I watched that movie a lot.
Most people can't come up with a number one,
so that's good.
Yeah.
Then number two would probably be Bay Bay's Kids.
(14:24):
Wow.
Bay Bay's Kids was a great movie.
That's good stuff.
That related to a lot.
Man.
Were you bummed out when you found out
it wasn't Robin Harris?
No, I always knew, I always knew.
Because this is how I like Bay Bay's Kids, right?
Because it's a little punk ass light skinned kid
raised by a single mom,
and you got this Robin Harris ass nigga
trying to fuck your mama,
and you gotta hang out with these other little
(14:45):
ghetto ass kids that be fucking with you
that you don't even fuck with like that.
Like I felt Bay Bay's Kids, that was my life.
But I never got to go to Disneyland,
so I was still waiting.
Where the fuck is Mr. Harris?
That was crazy that they just went to the Disneyland
of that universe.
Did you see that boy mama?
You'll take them kids to Disneyland.
Fun world, fun world.
(15:08):
I feel like that movie was a little too relatable.
Like on so many levels.
Because I was a kid when I watched it,
and I remember feeling like, man, I hate this guy.
When I was an adult, I'm like, wow,
he's a real dude.
He's a real dude.
He was a real dude.
Yeah, yeah.
Robin was a G.
I remember I tried to watch it with an ex.
She was Serbian, and she hated it.
(15:28):
I guess she saw it from a completely different light.
She was like, they're making all the white people
out to be bad guys.
And I was like, no, I've never seen it that way.
But you do have a point.
White people, bad guys.
No, no, no, no.
You should have been like, have you seen any other movie?
You know what?
I'll let her have her moment,
because what we talking about, drunk girls, right?
(15:49):
Fucked her up.
Damn.
I don't know.
Number three, The Marine Three, Homefront,
starring The Miz.
I was in that movie, so I gotta just go ahead and put it in.
Yeah, I put them to last credit.
This is Mason, FBI agent.
Okay, please.
You're not an FBI agent?
Yeah, it was a WWE movie.
So I was trying to be a wrestler,
(16:09):
and then WWE said, you could just have this, Army Boy.
And I said, thank you.
Well, take it.
What was your favorite part of acting in that?
Craft services.
Oh, I hear good things.
I never knew that, niggas,
because I just came back from Iraq.
This was like my first job after Iraq.
And it was like, what the fuck you mean?
They got a wagon of sandwiches.
(16:31):
They're just food?
Just walking around with a wagon of sandwiches.
Can you imagine if the military
had craft services like that?
Shit.
Russia's done, son.
It's over.
Well-fed, well-oiled machine.
Refill station, anytime you need.
Kool-Aid.
Oh yeah.
Army had good food, though, at times.
Overseas, I ate good.
(16:51):
I got fat.
Every meal was your last meal over there.
I saw online that if you're getting lobster and steak
in the military, that's a bad sign.
No?
Some bases is just gonna do that shit all the time anyway.
Damn, okay.
You know what I mean?
It's a running gag, but if you overseas when I was,
that's like every Friday's dinner.
Okay.
(17:11):
That's like every Friday.
And there's like unlimited chicken wing Thursday.
And then we had like, it was like four times a day
you could eat.
You can go to breakfast, lunch, dinner,
and then they had midnight chow,
which was the leftovers from dinner,
plus the early breakfast mixed with like lunch.
You can get a panini sandwich in the middle of the night, son.
Oh, that's wonderful.
That doesn't sound bad at all.
Omelets in the middle of the night.
(17:32):
You think I could just like sneak in there
and rethink my stance?
You can be a contractor just working the food shit.
Okay.
Yeah, they'll just give you a bunch of like little Indians
that can't speak no English.
And it's your job to just keep them all in line
cooking and cleaning.
Dang, so I just snap my fingers
anytime they're just taking a break.
However, you gotta get it done.
We're not gonna watch you.
(17:54):
Whatever Snow White had to do to get them dwarfs working.
That's what we need you to do.
What did she do to get those dwarfs working?
Pussy.
Ah, well, she didn't have to do much then.
She just kind of laid there.
I mean, don't most of them do that?
The Disney princess?
I imagine most Disney princesses just lay there,
other than like Jasmine from Aladdin
because she was riding that carpet.
(18:14):
I don't think much of them throwing that cooch like that.
I don't think Mulan's like a lay there type of girl either.
She gonna peg you.
Mulan's gonna peg you.
Oof.
See, this is all good.
And then one nigga fucks it up
and be like, remember Lilo from Lilo and Stitch?
And it's like, no!
What's going on?
How did we get here, man?
That person needs to be on a watch list
(18:35):
to bring up Lilo. That is not a Disney princess.
Not her sister.
Yeah, talk about her sister, not Lilo.
Just go to the Incredibles.
Sheesh.
Damn, mom.
Well, let's get started with this dumb ass podcast,
shall we? Oh, if you insist.
Yeah, we're gonna spin.
We're gonna start yet?
Nah. Oh shit.
Should I hit record or?
That's right.
Our first wheel is our genre wheel.
Genre. What are we making today?
(18:57):
Let's find out.
Let's do it.
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
Spin on a wheel baby.
Nice, that's a good sound.
An underdog story.
Underdog story.
Isn't every story like an underdog story though?
The good ones?
If we're being real.
Would you say that...
Fuck, Al Pacino.
Yeah, definitely.
(19:18):
You know what I'm gonna start?
Scarface?
Scarface, underdog, yeah.
Absolutely an underdog story.
Okay, okay.
Then nobody believe that fool.
Right, I can get down with that.
I knew he could do it.
I knew all along Tony could do that shit.
Right, he had humble beginnings.
Humble.
Our next wheel is our...
How I get a scar like this eatin' pussy.
Our next wheel is our setting.
Where is this underdog story taking place?
(19:40):
Spin on a wheel baby, spin on a wheel.
A desert.
Okay, we're really underdoggin' it.
Just straight up a desert.
You ever been in a desert, Mason?
Iraq, yeah.
Oh that's right, you've never been in Iraq.
What's your take on deserts?
Just the desert area,
(20:00):
cause I've never been in a desert.
I like it.
I wish in some ways I can live in that environment
at all times.
I feel like I'm healthiest there.
I'm gonna have my best tan,
and that warm ass weather,
like my muscles is gonna be.
I don't do good in the cold.
Yeah, I don't do good in the cold, son.
Dang.
You know what I mean?
So if I could just be in the heat,
(20:20):
I'd probably be like one of them UFC fighter ass niggas.
She ought to be training in Dubai.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah.
There's something about it,
like just living in those conditions,
your body's just gonna respond and be like,
oh you a beast.
Yeah.
Get at it.
Survival.
Yeah, you can live in 125 degrees,
you don't need to work out, bro.
All you have to do is live in this shit.
You'll be fine.
Your body's working out for you all the time.
(20:41):
All day.
Just drink water.
Right, that's the hard part, water.
Yeah.
Gotta stay hydrated.
Our next wheel is our character job.
Good.
What's the job of the main character?
Spiderman!
Spiderman!
Spiderman!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Assistant to the regional manager.
In the desert.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
(21:02):
Okay.
That's what you get.
Do we maybe get like a,
can you have like a retail store in the desert?
I mean, I don't know why not.
You mean you see all the markets in Atlanta?
Yeah, they're everywhere, man.
I mean, okay.
Like they be selling shit out there, dog.
They be out there, baby.
That's true, that's true.
Okay, our next wheel is our character flaw.
Something's wrong with this assistant
(21:22):
to the regional manager.
What is it?
Spin it!
Spin it!
Spin it!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Spin it!
Ha!
They can't see glass.
All right.
All right.
You look so annoyed.
Guys, I just want to remind everyone who's listening.
The show's called Definitely Not Good.
Yeah, just so you know.
Yeah.
And we're joined by Mason today.
(21:43):
Mason ain't shit.
You gotta say the whole thing.
Mason ain't shit.
Yeah, say the whole thing.
Like a Tribe Called quiz.
Yeah, I need all of that.
Our second to last wheel is our antagonist.
Who's the bad person of the story?
Let's spin it.
Spin it!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Oh shit!
(22:03):
Whoa!
Whoa!
That's a big ass wheel.
Those meddling kids and their dog.
Okay.
So to recap, we have an underdog story
taking place in a desert.
Our main character is an assistant
to the regional manager who can't see glass.
Who cannot see glass.
And the antagonists are some meddling kids.
(22:27):
Okay.
Mason, would you mind playing our assistant
to the regional manager today?
There's no glass in here, is it?
Nope.
Okay, man.
I can't see glass, bro.
What's like a good name for this assistant?
Assistant manager.
Assistant to the manager.
Assistant to the manager in the desert.
The underdog who can't see glass
and keeps getting bothered by these meddling kids.
(22:50):
Yeah, yeah.
How about Hakeem?
Hakeem.
Good name.
Cool.
Excellent name.
Where should we be?
Arizona?
Is there a better desert?
That's the only desert you know, dog.
That's the one in America.
I'm trying not to do an accent.
Nevada, not Vegas?
Oh, we can do Vegas.
Not Vegas, Arena?
Dang.
I guess Vegas would make this a lot easier.
(23:10):
How about this?
Cause there's a lot of glass in this place.
I want some sand dunes, though, dog.
Sand dunes?
Where are you thinking?
Does Australia got deserts?
Let's say yeah.
Let's say yeah.
Yeah, they probably got a desert.
Yeah.
I don't mind doing a bad Australian accent.
Yeah.
Ever.
You can't get careful for that.
That's one of the safe ones.
(23:30):
I ain't doing the most of the shit, though.
All right, so we're in Kangaroo Mart.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, this is the first.
I'm gonna hit you when I stand up.
This is the first Super Mall in the desert of Australia.
Oh.
Nuckety, will you play our manager?
Oh, yeah.
His name is Bucky.
All right.
And Bucky is a no good thief.
(23:55):
A manager who's a thief?
Yeah.
Okay.
He's just a bad guy.
Stealing ass managers.
Is he still from the company or from?
Everybody.
Oh, okay, okay.
He's a little clipped off.
And he gets off on it.
You're getting, it's just a normal Tuesday afternoon
and assistant manager is working the cashier
because there's not enough employees yet.
In comes Susan.
Hi, good day.
(24:16):
Good day to you, Susan.
Hi, I was, I'm sorry.
I'm American.
I actually can't do an Australian accent.
I was trying to match you.
You was killing it.
I was trying to match you guys.
Sorry, I don't wanna be offensive.
Listen, I need to know where your,
do you Australians call them grapes?
Little round things, fruits?
Oh, you mean the gusha berries?
(24:37):
Yes, yes.
Yeah, gusha berries, whatever.
Like whatever you crazy people call them.
Gusha berries.
Right, you know where that's at?
Actually, if you turn around and face that way,
he takes her pocket,
and you will see the sign that says produce.
Oh.
Over there, you see that sign?
Well, thank you very much.
He takes her earrings.
Did you just take my earrings?
(24:58):
No, no, no, no, no, no.
The grapes are over there.
Okay, bye.
And whoever you are, bye.
Oh, I don't matter, it's okay.
So, Hakim and Bucky are at the cashier station.
Susan's the only person in the store,
and she just kinda fucked off.
It's an awkward pause between you guys,
(25:19):
because you both don't like each other.
Not a lot of traffic in this place.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't mind you too much.
You're just your shitty boss who steals stuff.
Sorry, I was doing the inner dialogue thing.
My character has the power
to do the narration of his thoughts.
That's a power, that's a power.
All right, yeah.
Sensitive power.
Yeah.
So you can't hear my thoughts, haha.
(25:40):
Suddenly, another employee comes.
His name is Bob.
Oh, good day, Hakim.
Hey, how's it going?
Bob, right?
Yeah, it's me, Crockett.
It's Bob.
Yeah, man.
I remember you from orientation.
Yeah, fuck orientation.
Oh, shit, it's the boss right here.
Hey, boss.
Hey there, Bob.
Hey, so what's, is this a company,
(26:01):
all hands meeting or some shit?
Yeah, yeah.
We need to sell more celery sticks.
More celery sticks.
More kangaroo meat.
I guess, like.
I thought we called it oxtails.
Yeah, well, it's kangaroo tail.
Oh, why don't we just put kangaroo tails on there?
Why are we telling the people it's oxtails, sir?
(26:22):
Well, because no one will buy it if it's kangaroo.
They like, they don't like oxes.
OK.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, business tactics.
It's a little scummy boss, don't you think?
Where are we getting the kangaroo tails from?
Outside.
OK.
You're telling me they're like real kangaroos?
Oh, there's a whole heap of them outside.
It's not like cow tails, where it's like just candy?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
OK.
No, no.
(26:43):
I'm going to go to produce, or I'm going to fuck off.
Bye, guys.
Produce.
Hey, check on the gusha berries for me, please.
Yeah, I see them.
I see them, I keep them.
Don't squeeze them.
Don't squeeze those berries.
I'm going to squeeze them a little bit.
So you guys are still just standing there awkwardly.
What is Bucky doing?
He's counting the money from the wallet that he just stole.
(27:05):
Because he's a thief, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then he gets a call on his phone, the business phone.
It's a business phone.
And it's corporate.
There's only one kangaroo, right?
But it's a call from corporate.
Hello, Bucky.
(27:25):
Hey there.
Hello?
Hello?
We noticed the profits haven't been very good.
Sorry, you're breaking up.
You're breaking up.
I can't really hear you.
If we don't see a turning profit by the end of the day,
we're going to have to fire your assistant manager.
OK, I heard that.
That's fine.
You know what?
I don't really like him.
(27:46):
Oh, so there's no stakes then?
You're going to fire him at the end of the day?
Only kangaroo stakes, that's all.
All right then.
We hope to see a resignation by the end of the day.
OK, I'll get to work on that.
Cheerio.
Hey, boss, what was that call about?
Oh, nothing.
Nothing for you to worry about.
OK.
Need help with anything?
Yeah, could you actually go help that lady
(28:08):
with the gush of berries?
The white lady with no earrings?
Yes, yes.
She's grabbing a lot.
I don't know why she needs so many.
She's going to take them all.
OK.
Well, here, do me a favor.
Can you hold this box, please?
Uh, hm.
I don't really like touching boxes.
I just need you to have something in your hands
(28:28):
for when I walk away.
Mm-hm.
Fine, I'll take the box.
All right.
He reluctantly grabs the box.
Hey, ma'am, you need help with them gush of berries?
So some time passes, and the lady is now
in the frozen food aisle.
And she's like, oh, I just don't know where.
(28:49):
Do you guys not sell Hot Pockets here?
Your name's Hakeem, right?
Mm-hm.
Do we sell Hot Pockets?
Do you sell Hot Pockets here?
Hot Pockets aren't allowed in Australia.
That's only what Americans sell to their people
to poison off their population sooner so they can die.
Oh, I, is there like a less deadly Hot
Pocket in Australia that you can?
(29:11):
We have these mini beef Wellington pies.
Oh, wow.
Australia sounds nice.
That actually does sound kind of nice.
I think I'm going to, can you grab me one
right there?
I can't reach it.
It's behind that glass door.
The glass?
Yeah, don't you see it?
I mean, can you point to the handle?
My only weakness.
It's right there.
It's like one of those like inserts.
You've got to put your fingers into it,
(29:33):
like you're grabbing inside of something,
and you've got to pull it.
He slowly reaches for it and just
shatters the glass with his hands.
It's just, oh, oh, god.
I'm bleeding.
Oh, I'm bleeding.
I'm bleeding.
Glass everywhere.
Oh, OK.
Ow.
You gush a berry, stilling bitch.
(29:54):
You called me a, I'm going to talk
to your manager about that.
You just got glass all over me.
Bitch.
Fuck you.
I'm bleeding.
I'm bleeding.
Fuck you, Australia.
She walks off.
Need a band-aid.
I'm going to the band-aid section.
Susan walks up to Bucky.
You're a ploy.
You just fucking cut me with all this glass.
(30:16):
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, you see?
You see me?
I'm bleeding.
I have a reason to fire him now.
I mean, I'm sorry, man.
Here, have a free kangaroo burger on the house.
Look at that.
That helps a little bit.
But I will be contacting corporate because of this.
Oh, make sure to tell them that it was Hakeem.
(30:39):
I will.
She takes a bite of the kangaroo.
All right, all right.
She leaves.
She bit the raw kangaroo.
So if that wasn't bad enough, some kids have just entered.
Some rowdy kids.
Fucking kids.
Freaking just like three of them.
They're 10, and they're just little shits.
(30:59):
OK?
Fucking 10-year-olds?
They run around.
Just loose 10-year-olds?
Oh, let's go.
Let's go.
Yeah.
And they're just going in the candy aisle,
and they're fucking taking all the candy,
and they're throwing it all over the store.
And they're making actually a YouTube video.
It's like, my name is Killer125, and I'm
going to fuck some shit up.
(31:20):
Make sure to like and subscribe.
The three kids run past Hakeem and actually push him
a little bit in the way.
And he actually stumbles into more glass and it breaks.
Why is there so much fucking glass in here?
Why do we need so much glass?
This is a glassy store, man.
One of the other employees, his name is Todd.
(31:45):
Todd?
OK.
He is the HR manager.
Hey, Mason.
Sorry.
Hakeem?
Hakeem.
There it is.
Don't call me by my slave name.
My name is Hakeem.
Fuck you, won't.
You coming to give me some stitches to check on this glass?
Yeah, we should manage that.
And maybe let's talk in the office.
You're getting glass everywhere.
I can't see the glass that's still stuck in my hand.
(32:07):
Yeah, ow.
Let's go in the back room real quick.
So some time passes and we actually
get a shot of the security cameras.
And these kids are fucking this whole store up.
What's Bucky doing?
Bucky's in his office watching the telly.
He's watching a different television of,
but not the security.
(32:27):
Not the security.
No, he's watching Living Single.
He loves Living Single.
He's like, ha ha ha ha.
In a 90s kind of world.
Hey Todd.
I'm glad I got my girl.
Hey, it's me, Todd.
That Kadeja.
Hakeem, so Bucky's in the other room.
It's just me and you talking.
What's going on?
(32:48):
You can level with me because I can kind of
tell with the bleeding and the glass
and the yelling at the kids that things aren't
going that well for you.
Are you OK?
Well, I lost a lot of blood.
And I may have adrenaline.
He's like snapping his finger.
Hey, hey, Hakeem, over here.
Is the blood supposed to be squirting out like this?
(33:08):
Can we help me?
Well, I mean, it's more important
that we prioritize the job over kind of like personal things
like bleeding and injuries and stuff.
So we are probably going to have to put you
on a performance review.
But there is opportunity for you to become manager.
(33:30):
And between us, Hakeem, I fucking hate Bucky.
Bucky's fucking terrible.
He fucking, I was in a happy marriage.
And he fucked my wife.
And now she's not my wife anymore.
She's my ex-wife.
You hear Bucky laughing in the background.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ray Jean, you crazy.
(33:50):
Fucking hate that guy.
Hakeem, fucking hate that guy.
I can get you to run this store.
But you got to do better, OK?
You can't complain about fucking glass in your hand
and bleeding and shit.
It doesn't, this is Kangaroo Mart, not fucking like, you know,
Walmart or some shit, you know?
I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your wife.
Oh, it's fine.
It's fine.
It's totally fine.
(34:12):
I'm good.
That's not cool, man.
Like, I know Bucky be stealing and shit.
But he don't need to be fucking people's old ladies.
Yeah, you know.
His wife.
I am doing the best I can, just like everyone.
But I appreciate that, Hakeem.
I'll tell you what.
You know he got a video of it, right?
Sorry, what?
Yeah, he showed me and Bob.
Oh, shit.
(34:33):
There's a video.
Yeah.
Like, you know, your rain camera and shit?
Yeah.
Yeah, he used that to like make the intro.
And then like the baby monitors that you have.
Yeah.
Yeah, he used that to like do the behind the scenes footage.
And it was behind the scenes.
Yeah.
Yeah, like he really edited it.
He used, it's like, you don't got TikTok?
(34:55):
Hakeem, why did, why are you familiar with the behind the scenes?
Did you help him make this video?
Well, I mean, he made a whole documentary of it.
Like, there's like a five minute interview of your wife,
where she talks about your erectile dysfunction
and how this is really your fault.
Suddenly, Bob breaks in and he says,
Oi, this fucking kids are ruining this whole fucking school.
(35:15):
What are you guys doing?
Just talking.
Just hanging out.
Yeah, we're bleeding to death.
Do you got a bandaid?
Yeah, I got one in the fucking back.
I guess I can just grab it.
Why?
I'm bleeding.
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
We got to talk about my performance in the store.
You're fucking purple now, mate.
Shit.
Well, it's just a little gangrene.
Why did you take in the glass out?
(35:36):
I can't, never mind.
Bob, can you close the door?
Bob, yeah, sure.
Close the door.
OK, if you can get rid of these fucking kids,
I'm going to put in a good word to corporate
and I'm going to show all this evidence,
including that video, of why Bucky should be fired.
Deal?
I'll just do whatever for a bandaid.
Whatever it takes.
(35:57):
The end of bleeding.
I'm just going to ignore your inner knowledge
of why this video was produced and how it was produced
and we can work together.
Deal, bro.
He shakes your injured hand.
Oh, man, you should really get that looked at.
All right, I'm going to check in an hour.
So he fucks off.
Right off.
(36:17):
Cut to some time later.
Hakeem is stepping out into the store
and this spot is fucked up now.
There's fucking toilet paper everywhere,
there's fucking candy all over the floor.
These fucking kids.
But people are still trying to shop and they're just like,
it's kind of a shit show.
What the fuck happened?
I'm so sick and tired of little TJ and them coming in here
(36:38):
fucking with me, bro.
All because I didn't pass the ball to him one time on NBA 2K.
They said we going to find where your old ass works
and come tear your life.
I'm so tired of little TJ and them, bro.
One of the kids comes up with a camera phone and says,
would you rather get fucked in the butt or the vagina?
Whoa, what is with these 10 year olds?
Like an interview style, you know,
(37:00):
he's trying to do an interview.
That's a trick question, kid.
Cause if I said vagina, that means I'm a pussy.
And if I said the butt, that means I'm gay.
Oh, this guy's good.
Okay, second question.
If I gave you $5, would you take it or would you double it?
And pass it to the next guy.
And pass it to the next guy.
Just go ahead, just give it to the next guy.
Get out my face now.
(37:20):
Okay, third question.
Mr. Beast or fucking Jake Paul?
Oh no.
I don't know who these people are.
I'm 36 year old and I live in Australia.
One of the kids runs past on a surfboard
and they're like fucking breaking shit.
Oh, wait for me, wait for me.
And they run off, they fuck off.
It's a boogie board, they got soap on the floor,
(37:41):
they're riding boogie boards around the store.
How the fuck did they get a boogie board in here, son?
I'm so tired of little TJ.
Bucky steps out of the office
and sees some of the chaos ensuing.
Oi, what the hell's going on out here?
Oh, okay, I guess nobody,
nobody wants to explain this to me.
I mean, how was living single today, sir?
Oh, it was great.
(38:03):
Did Maxine Shaw, attorney at law, win her case?
She did, she did win.
It was a good case, it was the biggest case of her career.
Really made her, she was very happy.
But then it all went to shit.
That's pretty cool, that's pretty cool.
Yeah, we'll start cleaning this up, Mr. Bucky.
Don't you worry.
Oh, well you better.
(38:23):
I don't know how boss is talking.
We're gonna take a short break.
A short one?
And get right back to this amazing story.
Don't go anywhere.
God, I've never seen anything better than this.
Don't we just watch Rocco's Modern Life?
No.
Cut!
Hey, we're back and we have another sponsor.
(38:45):
A Let's Spin That Sponsor Wheel.
Yeah!
Today's episode is also brought to you by Phones.
This episode is proudly sponsored by Phones.
Proudly.
All of them.
Not one, not one single brand, just all Phones.
(39:06):
Just all the Phones, man.
It's kinda crazy I was talking about Phones today.
And I miss phone booths.
You miss phone booths?
Yeah.
Yeah, where else is Superman supposed to change?
Right, you're just gonna have to fucking not.
Not change.
It was a good place to cut somebody out.
I'm gonna go in this little box.
I'm gonna put a quarter in here.
(39:27):
I'm gonna call somebody.
I'm gonna tell them what the fuck I gotta say.
Yeah.
But like phone booths were kinda gross though, right?
Were they gross?
I mean, I don't think anyone ever came through to clean them.
That's true.
That's true.
Maybe someone once in a while.
A lot of heads touched that receiver.
Yeah, yeah.
And I was, the reason that came up
was because we're talking about Carrot Top.
And, okay.
(39:48):
And that's a dot?
Carrot Top got famous from commercials
where he was doing the whole like,
call 1-800-CO-LL-ECT, it's free for you,
cheap for them type shit.
You know what I'm talking about?
Is that how he got famous?
That's how he got fucking famous.
Because like people would call that
(40:09):
to like on their payphones, I guess.
I don't know.
1-800-Collect?
Yeah.
Yeah, that was a big thing.
In the 90s.
Right?
I thought he was just a prop comic, man.
They used to sponsor WWE.
That's how I knew it.
Or WWF.
How do we feel about cell phones?
Smart phones, rather.
It's a conundrum, man.
(40:29):
Cause they're ruining our lives,
but they're making our lives so much better.
Cause without them, what?
What?
What?
What?
You know?
Are you a fan of smartphones?
Yeah, man.
I love technology.
I think the early adapters is always the achievers.
Remember, I imagine at one point in human history,
nigga was like,
(40:50):
I ain't fucking with that fire shit.
Yeah, that was crazy.
Rick?
You talking about Rick, right?
What you doing with the wheels, son?
See, I could just drag.
Why are you trying to, man?
You know, so.
Rick couldn't wait to halt progress.
Damn, fucking Rick almost stopped us all
from firing wheels, man.
That's crazy.
I know, we're a fucking piece of shit.
Fuck you, Rick.
I'm with you on that.
(41:10):
I think, I also think phones are super addictive.
The thing that I need phones for though, is GPS.
Like me getting around without GPS, it's not gonna work.
Just, it just won't.
Well, that's like saying thousands of years ago,
I can't live without my compass.
Mm.
See what I'm saying?
All this is, is the modern day compass.
(41:31):
Yeah, we just reeing up, man.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe I should just get a compass.
If you did, you'd be a cold motherfucker, bro.
You'd also be a lost motherfucker.
What the fuck, it said south, and now it says east.
You're holding a magnet, man.
Thank you, Phones.
Thanks, Phones.
For sponsoring us today.
What a good sponsor, that one.
What a great sponsor.
(41:52):
Communication.
Mason, who's your favorite cartoon character?
Probably Cartman.
Cartman?
Yeah, Cartman go hard.
What makes you like Cartman?
He's a consistent character.
He's very consistent, that's true.
You know, and like a good, he can play the protagonist,
he can play the antagonist,
(42:12):
but what he can do very well is he can get his comeuppance.
And it never diminishes his character.
It only makes his character stronger.
Oh, he got beat up by Wendy?
Ah, shit.
It only makes him better.
There's nothing that happens to him.
That is like, all right, that's the downfall of Cartman.
Not ever.
Yeah.
Remember they took his phone?
We just talked about phones.
(42:33):
What happened when they took his phone?
The nigga got a girlfriend.
And smutted that bitch out.
Eric Cartman is unstoppable.
Yeah.
Wait, wait, we talking about the coon, right?
The coon?
Yeah, the coon.
Fucking coon.
That's what I heard, right?
They say we're gonna kick you out the crew.
Now this nigga partner with a mystical beef, Cthulhu.
I didn't even know that was a real thing.
Cartman tamed Cthulhu
(42:54):
because y'all didn't wanna fucking play pretend with him.
You see, you see what he does?
Yep.
You remember when that one kid
just did something really regular to him,
so he had his parents murdered and put in jail?
And turned out that was his own parents too.
Now he killed his own dad.
Wilda.
That was Cartman's dad he killed
and fed to his half brother.
All because of some pubes.
You can't fuck with Cartman, bro.
Only person who can fuck with Cartman
(43:15):
and get away with it is Butters.
Because Butters is so innocent.
Can't nobody fuck with Butters.
Yeah.
I'll beat your ass, nigga.
But other than that, it's a wrap, son.
I'm so glad I don't have an Eric Cartman in my life.
I'd be rough.
You're not living without an Eric Cartman in your life.
I would fight him.
I would fight that dude every week.
(43:36):
Where we last left off, Kangaroo Mart, Hakeem,
dealing with some kids,
but maybe dealing with a promotion also,
if he can get rid of them.
Meanwhile, we have Bucky, Thief, General Manager.
He's not a good guy.
He's kind of a piece of shit.
He's not a good guy.
But he does love living singles,
so he's kind of cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We like to throw a wrench in Already Broken Stories,
(43:58):
so we're going to spin one more wheel.
One on Moms.
Called The Topic Wheel.
Let's do it.
Oh, my back.
My back.
Cat.
Okay.
So, do you remember,
there was an old, old, old, old cartoon.
(44:20):
Felix?
No, not older than that.
Old, old, like in the 50s, 60s.
There was about a silkworm,
and every time somebody said so,
he'd start sewing a sweater.
Nobody ever remembers that.
Nah, man.
Nobody remembers it.
I remember the little bird that was like,
I wanna sing about the moon and the juna and the springer.
I wanna, you know that, nigga?
Oh, continue, please.
(44:40):
Nah, you know that?
Oh, yeah, hell yeah.
Why don't you sing along then?
Because I wanted you to sing it.
I wanted to hear that shit.
I like your beautiful voice, man.
Exactly.
About the sky, oh, nah, y'all don't wanna hear it.
Y'all don't wanna hear it.
Y'all ain't ready for it.
Anything with the swinger.
So, a cat lady comes in,
and she's got four cats on her body,
and her name is Clara.
(45:01):
Oh, I know Clara.
Clara the cat lady.
Excuse me, where's the cat food at?
I can't see, I'm blind.
I can't see anything shit.
How did you get in here?
Shit, where's the cat food at?
Hey, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down.
Who's talking?
Hello?
My name's Bucky.
(45:21):
Bucky?
Yeah, my name's Bucky.
Well, you're, okay, all right, yeah.
Hey, you're blind, you're blind.
You don't know what's going on.
I don't see anything.
I need to find cat food.
Okay.
All right, so I'm gonna help you find this cat food.
Sure, yeah.
Really, I gave her some dog food.
Oh, shit.
So she takes the dog food.
(45:42):
Okay, I'm just gonna leave now, all right?
Well, let me hold, like, you got any money?
Does any of the cats have money on them?
Everybody wants money.
You don't got any money?
Just get a little bit of money.
She pulls her cat purse out, and...
It's a dead cat.
I don't know what the currency is in Australia.
It's dollar-a-doos.
His fucking five dollar-a-doos.
Oh, okay.
(46:03):
Fuck.
But she blind, she gave me $500-a-doos.
She sure did.
All right, I'm fucking getting out of here.
She crawls out.
All right.
One of the cats is lingering back
and looking at me like I ain't shit.
Come here, Missy!
You're gone, Missy, mind your fucking business.
Missy pees on his shoes.
Bob walks in.
Boy, what the fuck was that?
(46:24):
Missy's a boy cat.
You just gave her dog food.
No, Bucky just gave her dog food.
Oh, shit!
That's devious.
You're trying to get him fired.
Look, man, you see what happened
to my fucking hand today?
Oh, fuck!
It's still bleeding.
It's still bleeding.
That's purple.
That's purple, mate.
Whoa.
Well, Bucky won't let me get off to go to the hospital.
(46:45):
I mean, bro, if you want to get off,
there's a bathroom right over there.
You can just get off as long as you want.
Not like that.
I-07 has lotion.
This is my get-off hand anyway,
so I can't do that if I want it to.
Oh, that fucking sucks, man.
Oh, you're a lefty.
I didn't know you were a fucking lefty, man.
Wait, you guys shake with the hand you jack-wet?
Yeah, don't you?
Oh, my God, I hate this country.
Going back to America.
Everything's backwards here.
(47:05):
Everything's backwards, and I'll show you.
Well, hold on.
I actually, just to be honest,
I heard you and Todd talking in the back,
so I heard you're trying to get a promotion,
and I fucking think you should be the manager, too, Hakeem.
Look, man, if I was the manager,
I could finally put a stop to Lil' TJ
and them coming in here fucking up the store every day.
(47:26):
Oh, you mean those fucking kids?
His name's TJ.
They're still there, like, slapping bags of chips
till they pop.
Little orphan bastards.
I fucking hate orphans.
I hate the one with the silver teeth.
Oh, I fucking hate that guy, too.
I fucking hate the girl with the pigtails.
Fucking who does that still?
That's crazy.
She be stealing deodorant,
because she really needs it, though.
(47:47):
I see her eating some deodorant.
It's fucking wild shit, mate.
Her breath smells better now, though.
That's true.
That's fucking true.
That spring body spray that does that shit.
It smells like teen spirit.
Well, listen, I'm gonna put in a good word.
I'm gonna call corporate and tell them what's happening here
and say that Bucky is fucking giving dog food to cat ladies.
You seen it.
I saw it.
With his very own eyes.
With my own fucking two eyes.
(48:07):
Hakeem, do me a favor for you, Lee, though.
What's that?
Is there any glass in here?
We're in the fucking frozen aisle, mate.
There's glass everywhere.
Oh, shit.
Can you help me get out of here, please?
You just fucking walk down the aisle, man.
Just walk with me.
Just, okay, fuck.
Come on, can you take me to the Band-Aids?
I'm just stuck here.
You fucking Band-Aids?
You scared to move?
Don't bleed everywhere, bro.
(48:28):
Jeez.
Thanks, man.
So time has passed.
It's the next day.
And we're doing-
Did he ever get bandaged up?
He got one SpongeBob Band-Aid.
But it's already soaked up and fucked up.
It's red?
It's the next day.
We're in the frozen food aisle
where it's kind of like a table,
(48:48):
but it's frozen food and chicken and duck and shit.
And it's Bucky leading the meeting
and Bob's there.
Bob's your uncle.
I just wanted to say that.
He's not actually your uncle.
Oh, okay.
Fucking Hakeem's there and Corporate is there too.
Corporate?
Corporate man.
All right.
Bucky, do you want to just start this all hands
(49:09):
or how do you usually do things here?
We draw straws to see who goes first.
Oh, fuck.
Okay.
I suppose.
It's not me.
It's not me either.
Oh, it's fucking Hakeem.
Hakeem, you had the floor.
Well, I think that we need to do something
about the children that keep coming in here every day
(49:30):
and calling me a fuck.
The kids are already inside.
They've gotten here early
and they're breaking shit in the background.
Already.
We're not even open.
Like, I understand that the company sponsors these kids
and they all have millions of followers
and you just let them do this
for advertisement on the TikTok.
Correct.
But can you please tell them to quit fucking with me?
(49:52):
See, the thing is TikTok's paying us a lot of money
for them to be here and make videos.
A lot of money.
So...
A lot of dollary days.
A lot of dollary days.
So you're gonna have to suck it up.
Yeah, suck it up.
They put me inside one of the kangaroos' pouches.
How did they physically do that, Hakeem?
With all of their collective strength.
They fucking tricked me.
(50:13):
One of them is weak,
five of them, they're strong, and they have glass.
Well, that fucking makes sense, I guess,
except the glass part.
It's kind of fucking weird.
Okay, thank you very much, Hakeem.
Input duly noted.
I guess I'll go first, or second, rather.
Yeah, Bucky, you're fired.
Oh!
What?
(50:34):
Why?
Why?
What a fucking great question that is, mate.
We got a complaint from our longtime founder,
Ms. Cat Lady, okay?
Our founder?
She fucking said you gave her dog food.
Dog food?
All her fucking cats died.
Why would I give her dog food?
I don't know, why would you fucking give her dog food, mate?
(50:56):
That doesn't sound anything like me.
Nah, you're fucking fired.
You know what?
You know what?
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you harder.
Why?
And fuck all of y'all.
Thank you, duly noted.
It doesn't have to be like this, Bucky.
Yes, it does.
Just leave with your dignity.
He flips the table.
(51:18):
I don't know how he did that.
Fucking singin' this, mate.
All right, who's next?
Bob.
Hey, what's going on?
Hey, hey, hey, it's me, Bob.
Yeah, I just wanted to say I think Hakeem
should be the new general manager.
He's real good, he's a real good guy,
and I fucking love that guy, man.
Fucking love that mate.
Me?
Yeah, Bob's, you know, sorry, I'm Bob.
He's Hakeem, he's great.
(51:40):
All four Bob being manager, please say aye.
Fucking aye.
Fucking aye, yes, yes.
The corporate guy is like, hmm.
All right.
All opposed.
I guess no one's opposed.
No one's opposed, unanimous.
Hakeem, I guess you're the fucking manager now.
Wow.
Hell yeah, does this mean I can get ready to kiss?
(52:00):
I mean, yeah, mate, if you can do it.
You're the manager.
Victory.
And, you know, I usually say this privately,
but it's a fucking who cares.
Your salary's just bumped up to like $300,000, dude, so.
You got fucking.
It's a nice bump, a nice pay bump.
Oh, wow, I'll finally be able to afford that podcast studio.
I always want it.
(52:21):
You can do whatever the fuck you want with your money, mate.
I was drinking you asshole.
So some time passes and his Hakeem's fucking nameplate
gets replaced with a gold plated Hakeem nameplate.
And he puts on a different hat.
It's on a tank.
That's just a little, for some reason,
he puts a crown on his head.
(52:43):
Like the biggie's mom.
Well, it's really to distract that there's bittersweet
that even though Hakeem has become manager,
he now has a hook for a hand
because he lost that gangrene infected hand.
Damn.
With the glass in it.
It shriveled up and fell off.
But now he has a cool ass pirate hook hand
that he leads with.
Gangsta.
And everyone respects.
(53:04):
That's what I'm talking about.
So it's the next, about a week has passed
and Hakeem is going through the fucking frozen food aisle,
looking at the pizzas and he with his hook hand
is tapping on the glass.
He can see it now.
He's not, he has a high enough salary
to not be fucking weird with his eyesight.
(53:24):
He got laser glass eye surgery.
Exactly.
Yeah, it came from losing the senses in my hand
and it restored them to my eyes.
Exactly.
The other ones got stronger.
Yeah, cause it was my wanking hand.
I needed to lose it anyway.
That's what was really holding my character back in life.
All that blood was going straight to that hand.
It was crazy.
It was dehydrated from all the loss of that glass.
It's too much wanking.
(53:45):
One of the kids comes up and his name is TJ.
He says, hey, hey, hey, I'm recording for a video.
Would you rather, would you rather fucking touch,
touch a, touch an ass or touch a booty hole?
And then I pull out my hook hand and I say,
how about I touch your booty hole kid with this hook?
(54:07):
Oh shit, no, no.
That video gets about a hundred thousand million.
So not that great.
The first trillion view video.
Right, right.
It blows up, it's viral.
And that's the end guys.
That's how it ends.
We fucking did it.
That's how this story ends, you guys.
I just had to lose a hand and touch some kids.
Duh, that's my life, dog.
(54:28):
That's fucking Australia, man.
Yeah, Australia.
That's weird, man.
That's how it goes.
Loosely based on a true story.
Right.
In the desert too.
I don't know how important that was.
It wasn't very.
Kangaroo mark.
We made it work.
You just had to remember it in the back of your head.
Are kangaroos even in the desert?
I don't think so.
I don't even think there is really a desert.
There's not a desert.
(54:48):
In the DJ.
They was thinking.
I'm gonna look at them.
We're gonna find one.
Definitely not good.
They have beaches.
They have beaches and they got heat.
So they got sand.
It's hot as fuck.
Australia's deserts cover about 18% of Australian mainland.
Okay.
That's a lot of Australia.
And the land confidence is considered dry.
Okay.
(55:09):
We're at this shitty ass kangaroo mark
in the middle of the desert.
Hell yeah.
Okay.
We're accurate.
I'm gonna say that we manifested that shit, man.
Yeah, we did.
Yeah, we just changed the whole earth topography.
That was because of definitely not good.
Right, right.
That's the reason guys.
I wanna thank our special guest today.
Mason 8 Shit.
Appreciate it.
Where can they find you online?
(55:30):
At Mason 8 Shit.
Like on TikTok.
TikTok.
All of it.
Instagram, Facebook.
All them fuckers.
The YouTube.
You can see the standups.
You can see the backbooth bully show
I produce with the homies every Monday.
It's different.
It's not a normal comedy show.
It's more of like a podcast improv game show.
(55:51):
Like first episodes, we lit someone's balls on fire.
You can't even show that.
Yeah.
We have taser comedy.
We done, we done been zapping motherfuckers on stage.
We bring hoes out the audience, give them the taser,
let them zap a comic for when they suck.
Wow.
When you buy the VIP purchase for the show,
you get a goodie bag.
So that's why if you see in the pictures,
(56:12):
like why are all the people out there wearing party hats
and blowing bubbles?
Because I produce my show like a child's birthday party.
Cause I want that much fun out of it.
So you can come to Backbooth Bullies
at Downtown Tacoma Comedy Club every Monday.
Doors open at 6.30.
I film it, direct it, put it out online.
You can watch it at Backbooth Bullies on YouTube.
(56:32):
That sounds like a good ass time.
Yeah, yo, check that out.
Yeah, y'all come out on Monday, man.
Come have fun.
Absolutely.
You gotta, hey, listen to, you, hey, hey.
Put that on the shirt.
Listen, you should go to that.
Right.
That sounds like a good time.
Yeah, I mean, I think I probably will, so.
Yeah, come through.
Good shout out.
What's the next show you're doing other than that one?
(56:54):
I'm going to the UFC.
So fuck it, come see me at the UFC fights.
I'ma be competing.
Oh, you're fighting?
Yeah, I'ma get in the ring.
Well, I mean, I'ma try to hop the sense.
Hold on, I think February 23rd, either.
I'll probably be at one of Tacoma Comedy Clubs.
I think that day we got the Black Jokes
(57:14):
going down at downtown, and we got Roaster Mania,
then my boy Nar successfully spearheads at the six.
Yo, nice.
So.
Well, thank you once again, Mason.
Yeah, do check out that show on Monday.
That sounds like a good ass time.
Good ass time.
Hell yeah.
Backbooth Bullies.
Nuckety, where can they find your ass?
They can find me at N-U-Q-A-D-Y on all the social medias.
(57:37):
Oh, okay.
Yeah, nice.
And they can also check us out at linktree.com slash D-N-G-P-O-D.
I think if they want, they can click the merch link
and buy a Definitely Not Good shirt.
I think Definitely Not Good.
Yeah, I think so.
Somebody hit me today and said the merch store was down,
but then I sent them a link,
and they were like, okay, this one works.
(57:57):
Yeah, well, if it's down,
just, what's?
Hit me directly at N-U-Q-A-D-Y
and I'll hook you up with a better link.
Yeah, definitely get a hat, you know?
Get a hat, I like my hat, my hat's a good hat.
I can endorse this hat, it's good.
I wear the shit out this hat.
Hell yeah.
All right, that's it, guys.
We won't hold you hostage anymore until the next episode.
(58:21):
So, catch you later, bye.
Here's a spoiler, in the next episode,
I'm gonna lick you in the ear.
Oh, snap.
Definitely Not Good.
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Introducing… Aubrey O’Day Diddy’s former protege, television personality, platinum selling music artist, Danity Kane alum Aubrey O’Day joins veteran journalists Amy Robach and TJ Holmes to provide a unique perspective on the trial that has captivated the attention of the nation. Join them throughout the trial as they discuss, debate, and dissect every detail, every aspect of the proceedings. Aubrey will offer her opinions and expertise, as only she is qualified to do given her first-hand knowledge. From her days on Making the Band, as she emerged as the breakout star, the truth of the situation would be the opposite of the glitz and glamour. Listen throughout every minute of the trial, for this exclusive coverage. Amy Robach and TJ Holmes present Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial, an iHeartRadio podcast.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
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