March 11, 2025 • 31 mins
"Do us both a favor? Skip this one. Pretend it doesn't exist, before we get canceled for our definitely not good cajun accents. "
Host - CJ Rhone
Producer - Nuqady
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What up you dingus?
(00:01):
This is Definitely Not Good, the podcast where we create stories and they're definitely probably
not good.
I'm your host CJ and I'm joined by my producer Nuckin.
Too early, sorry.
Too early, but that's alright.
That's alright.
We, we, uh, hmm, where'd they go?
Oh yeah, no guest.
Just us.
Just us.
So, uh, it's just him and I.
So strap yourselves in for some not good, which I don't know if this will be or not.
(00:24):
I don't know.
Cue the music.
This is your first time listening.
(00:48):
This is pretty much how everything works.
We are amazing storytellers.
Story.
Our job, our sacred duty to come up with a story completely from scratch with a little
twist.
We have a series of wheels we're going to spin, each of them random.
And depending on where the wheel ends up, we have to somehow incorporate it into our
story and I got a burp.
So just give me one moment while I do that.
(01:10):
Very cute.
Very demure.
It was a small burp.
Um, today, um, it's just me and Nuckity and I also want to point out, um, if you do like
the show, want to see it keep going, check out linktree.com slash DNG POD, click the
merch link by a definitely not good shirt or definitely not good hat.
It really, really helped us out and it keeps the show going.
(01:31):
Um, it really does.
Otherwise we're, uh, uh, what happens to us?
Not to be thought we're, we're going to die of starvation.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's not ideal.
We're going to lose the studio for real.
To be realistic.
Yeah.
We're going to lose the studio.
Yeah.
Well, you know, like, yeah.
If you're going to check us out, um, not to be, how you doing today?
(01:52):
Um, well, CJ, I got to poop.
Oh, and I haven't been able to do that for a while because no one will watch my kid long
enough for me to do that unless I'm at work.
Hmm.
So tried pooping with your kid.
No, no, no.
It sounds like it might get a little, he's too much of a menace.
(02:13):
Uh, he will destroy my bathroom.
If I let him just be there.
Well, your, your kids not here now, so you can, you're free to poop right in this chair
if you want.
Oh God, thank you.
I can't wait to do that.
Okay.
That was a little, you didn't have to fart as soon as I said that.
Don't worry about it.
I'm surprised the mics didn't pick that up.
Um, so we're not sponsored by anyone today.
(02:36):
No, no, no, no.
Surprise, surprise.
But we do have a wheel to spin to choose a sponsor for us.
So let's spin that sponsor wheel.
Today's episode is brought to you by some nerds.
This episode is proudly sponsored to you by some nerds.
You know, the fact that we're recording this and it's being picked up by instruments and
(03:01):
then transmitted online to you, uh, thanks to some nerds.
Couple of nerds.
Nerds are pretty great.
Nerds, you know, nerds are good.
I like nerds.
I like them also when they're covering a gummy candy.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Those are some pretty good nerds.
Now the, the billionaire nerds, I I'm not sure if I like them as much as I like, you know,
(03:26):
the nerds innovating and changing the world and stuff.
I like their potential.
Yeah.
They could potentially save the world, but you know, potentially, potentially.
Yeah.
Um, what else can we say about nerds?
They're pretty great.
They're pretty smart.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, you remember when it wasn't cool to be a nerd?
(03:48):
Remember that?
I do.
Good times.
Well, no.
Good times.
Um, they were good times guys.
If you guys can believe this, me and Nuckity used to be nerds in high school.
Used to be guys.
Used to be.
We're totally cool now.
We're so cool.
You remember when somebody would just punch you in the face because you were wearing glasses?
You remember that?
Um, I remember.
(04:09):
Hambridge Farm remembers.
Thank you nerds.
Thank you nerds.
Thanks for sticking it out.
I think nerds won too, you know?
We did, man.
And that's bullshit, but whatever, you know, cause we, we won a little bit later than I
needed it to be.
I just need nerds to lock in and like bring humanity up with the rest of them.
You know?
Yeah.
Like, yeah, you won.
Yeah.
You're sleeping with, with people, but like, what about the rest of us?
You know, not all the rest of us.
Not all the rest of us.
Not all the rest of us.
Not all the rest of us.
Not all the rest of us.
(04:30):
Not all the rest of us.
Not all the rest of us.
Not all the rest of us.
Not all the jocks are bad.
Okay.
Not all of them.
Like that one jock in the corner who kind of felt bad.
I want to know that one's not bad.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
I got a little bit of a headache, but we're going to keep it going today.
(04:50):
You got a headache?
You want some stuff?
Oh, uh, yeah.
What do you got?
I got ibuprofen.
Oh, I don't take that bullshit.
You got some Skittles?
No, no, I don't have any skittles.
We're not sponsored by Skittles.
No, no, no.
This would be a great plug-in for them, but we're not going to endorse skittles right now.
Advil's pretty much just a Skittle-less.
Oh, yeah.
Can I chew on an Advil?
(05:11):
You can, but you won't be happy.
What do you mean?
The outside's delicious, but the inside?
No, no, no, no, no.
I kind of want to try that.
Do you have like an Advil Skittle?
Oh, not here.
No.
Dang.
I'm going to try that on there next time.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Well, hey, let's get started with this dumbass podcast, shall we?
Mm, a bit.
And yeah, our first wheels are genre wheel.
(05:32):
What are we making today?
Ganderes man!
Woo!
Woo!
Cryptid of choice comes to town.
Sorry, what?
A cryptid of choice comes to town.
A cryptid of choice?
Yeah.
What does that mean?
Like a, like a, like a, like a, like a Chupacabra or, or Sasquatch or, or, you know, one of
(05:56):
them things.
Oh, a cryptid.
Mothman.
A monster of some sort.
Yeah.
What's the difference between a monster and a cryptid?
Cryptids might be real.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
What else is there?
What else is there?
Like, yeah, Mothman.
There's, there's Nessie.
There's another cryptid.
Santa Claus?
Santa Claus.
Okay.
He's a cryptid.
Yeah.
All right.
(06:17):
Well, let's roll with that.
Our next wheel is our setting.
Where are we taking place?
Ah, oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Ooh, spring break.
Spring break?
Spring break.
(06:37):
That's our setting.
I like it.
Woo.
Um, so we'll just assume that's the beach, I guess.
Sure.
When people yell spring break, it's usually in bikinis, on the beach.
Maybe, maybe New Orleans?
New Orleans?
New Orleans.
Okay, I like that.
Does New Orleans have beaches?
They have a bayou.
(06:59):
We're just gonna call that a beach.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, Swabland.
Our next wheel is our character job.
What's the job of the main character?
Oh, look at that.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
(07:19):
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Booty inspector.
Or booty, or booty.
The B is double sided.
Excellent.
Yeah.
Our next wheel is our character flaw.
Something is wrong with this FBI agent.
Yeah, but.
What is it?
Ah!
Ah!
(07:40):
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
They got too many kids.
Ha, ha, ha.
Okay, okay.
You know, that can be a flaw
if you're trying to live it up on spring break.
Yeah, yeah.
A serious flaw.
Holding you down, you know.
Our second to last wheel is our antagonist.
He's the bad person of the story.
Ah!
Ah!
(08:00):
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Excuse me.
Sorry.
A bully from the past.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
So to recap, we have a cryptid of choice
coming to a town or something.
We are spring breaking it at a freaking,
(08:20):
hold on, let me restart here.
Okay.
We have a cryptid story in New Orleans, Bayou, slash, beach.
Sure, yeah.
Main character is a federal booty inspector,
or booby inspector.
Booty or booby.
With the flaw of having too many kids,
(08:40):
and their villain, the main villain is a bully.
Bully from the past, yeah.
Bully from the past.
Catches up.
Cool.
So we're gonna start this off with a flashback.
Would you play the bully named Tenor?
Gladly.
Loser.
So Billy is,
(09:01):
let's get a different name than Billy.
How about,
how about Chad?
Chad?
Yeah.
For the main guy?
Yeah, so the main character's name is Chandler.
Chandler.
And he's a small little boy, you know,
he's in recess and he's making a little sand castle
out of mulch,
(09:22):
because they're in the play area of school,
just didn't really have sand.
Okay, okay.
And up walks freaking,
what's the boy's name?
You just said it, I know, right?
My brain is not on on the way.
Same, same.
Oh, it's the bull, what are you doing here?
He freaking kicks the sand castle over.
Hey, my castle!
(09:43):
Was that your castle?
Yeah!
Where's my castle now?
You got me?
You destroyed it, dude!
You did, ha ha ha, yeah!
You don't deserve to have a castle,
because it's my castle.
Thanks for building it for me so I can just,
can't get over, I can't get over!
Ha ha, yeah!
The boy walks away, and Chandler stands up.
(10:04):
He's my cookies, take these cookies too.
When I get older, I'm gonna make sure everyone
is impoverished and out of money, including him,
and I'm gonna have girlfriends and be FBI agent.
Ha ha ha ha.
Kid has dreams, you know?
Cut to 25 years later, he is walking, it is spring break.
We are at New Orleans, spring break down, okay?
(10:26):
And he is walking out of a limousine,
and he's got an FBI agent, sorry, FBI shirt on
with sunglasses, he takes the sunglasses off,
in slow motion of course, looking at the horizon,
and it's nothing but babes.
Nothing but babes!
And barbecue vendors.
Yeah, the three B's.
(10:47):
Yeah.
Babes, barbecue, and babes.
Yeah, and he's walking in slow motion,
and he's checking out a girl as he's walking by,
and he's like, ha ha ha.
Suddenly gets a phone call from Melinda.
Melinda, okay.
Enter the phone.
Melinda, what's going on?
What's going on, Melinda?
(11:07):
Hey, when are you gonna pick up these goddamn kids, huh?
I thought you were gonna pick them up.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
it's your turn to do that, so.
Yeah, I had to pick up some eggs from the store, you know?
Like, I had to go across town for the cheaper.
Oh, you got money for eggs,
but you don't got money for these kids.
Melinda, can we talk about this later?
(11:27):
I know, I wanna talk about it right now.
What do you want?
What do you want, Melinda?
I want you to come get these kids,
so I don't gotta deal with them.
Okay, fine.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, fine, that's good.
Okay, love you, bye.
Okay, okay.
Fucking hater.
So, he pays the limousine driver
an exorbitant amount, and the limousine drives away,
(11:49):
and he has an old rickety SUV.
Why did I get a limousine for this entrance?
It didn't...
Okay, my life.
He takes his sunglasses off, gets in the SUV,
and drives to the elementary school,
where he picks up five of his kids.
Five of them.
Yep, they're in. That's not all of them.
(12:09):
Great.
There's more.
What do they say to them as they enter the car?
Dabble, dabble, dabble, dabble.
What, what, what, what, what, what?
I wanna hear the good song.
I can't tell you the good song right now.
I gotta drive and pick up your other stupid...
I wanna hear the good song!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, how's it?
I love my children.
(12:31):
Children are so good.
Ha ha ha, yeah!
Children are so good, I fucking...
I love the good song!
Timmy, did you fart?
Yes.
Don't fart in the car without saying excuse me.
But I had to fart.
Say excuse me.
Excuse you.
Thank you.
Rolls down the window.
Samantha, how was school?
(12:52):
I wanna talk about it.
Okay, fine.
Timmy, how was school?
I don't wanna talk about it either.
Great!
Drives off.
I don't wanna talk about it!
Ha ha ha.
Cut to a college.
He's picking up his other three kids.
They're all in college, and they're very moody.
(13:12):
They're all goths, by the way.
Okay, okay.
Chris, Chris and Chris, hello?
Oh, Chris.
Hello, hello, hello.
Fine, don't say hi to your daughter, to your desk.
Don't say hi to me, I'm the person picking you up.
Huh?
Oh, you.
Hey, Chandler.
The name is Dad to you, Chris.
(13:33):
Right, right.
Dad, he looks at the other ones and just...
How was college?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Fine!
Drives off.
He picks up his oldest daughter named Cynthia,
who is a doctor at this school.
She gets in the very, very back.
(13:54):
Hello, Cynthia, how was work?
Hi, Daddy, it was good.
Oh, good.
Timmy, did you fart again?
No!
Don't fart without saying excuse me!
I did!
God damn it!
Drives off.
Cut to a very large living room,
and at a dining table, everyone's sitting across.
(14:16):
The mother and the father are sitting at the end tables.
Okay, we're gonna say grace.
Everybody hold your hands together and pray to God, okay?
I don't believe in God.
Don't say that, it's a dinner table!
Ha ha ha!
Close your eyes and put your hands together!
God, fine.
Dear God. I hate this family.
Fine, you can eat your food and play Fortnite over there.
(14:38):
I don't care!
Fine, I will!
Great, great, everybody can just eat their food
in the rooms, all right?
Go ahead and do that!
Everybody just gives up on these.
Oh wow, this is so good!
Next step for Cynthia.
Cynthia, thank you for being here.
No problem, Dad, yeah.
Do you mind watching the kids for a couple of hours?
I have to take care of something tomorrow morning.
I'm kinda on call.
(14:59):
Can you call out?
Fine, for you, I'll call out.
Yes!
So by the way, he is still wearing his FBI inspector shirt.
Ha ha ha!
It's all he has, just a bunch of those.
Melinda, food's great.
(15:20):
Thanks for making food for everyone.
Yeah, well, you're welcome.
Yeah, so, you know, I love you.
How was work?
Work was awesome?
Awesome.
Weren't you tracking some kind of like
(15:41):
cryptid, mythological monster that was in town?
Yeah, we found the Cajun Sasquatch.
I'm sorry, what was it called?
We found the Cajun Sasquatch.
Oh, you found the Cajun Sasquatch?
Yeah, we found the Cajun Sasquatch.
Well, what's it doing here?
Well, this is where, you know, it's really Cajun here, so.
Is it Cajun because he like has an accent or something?
(16:02):
Yeah, he probably has an accent.
Does he eat food?
We found it, but we didn't talk to him, so.
What was he doing?
He was eating some etouffee.
I have no idea what that is, but congratulations, honey.
Yeah, thank you.
What are you guys gonna do with it
as I eat this mac and cheese?
We're gonna study it, probably dissect it,
(16:22):
you know, learn from it.
Okay, cool, well.
It's the missing link, so.
I have reached my threshold of caring.
I'm going to the beach tomorrow to hit on some,
I mean, you know, do some, check out my shirt,
some federal booty inspecting.
We have an agreement, it's okay, I know.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(16:42):
So just let me.
As long as you come home to these goddamn kids.
Well, you know, I'm just letting you know
how my day is tomorrow, so.
All right, okay, thanks.
I'll put it on the docket.
I'll put it on the calendar so that I won't forget.
I saw you friended my old childhood bully, Tanner.
Tanner, yeah, he's kinda cute, so.
Kinda cute.
Yeah.
And you think bullies are cute, huh?
Yeah, well, you know, like a man, you know?
(17:06):
Like a real man.
Oh, I'm sorry, did a man not give you
all these kids that you have?
Was this just all these fucking kids?
All these fucking kids?
Thanks for the kids, babe.
Oh, you're welcome, you're so welcome, Melinda.
I'm gonna go sleep.
Okay, fine.
I'm gonna go talk to Tanner in his DMs.
(17:26):
Great.
I'm gonna DM Tanner.
Cut to the next day, he is getting out of his SUV
and it's a slow motion.
He has the same shirt on he did yesterday,
Federal Booty Inspector.
Right.
He takes the glasses off and he looks at the horizon
and he's walking in slow motion checking a girl out
(17:48):
and then suddenly a giant Cajun Sasquatch comes out
and starts ripping people apart and just attacking everyone.
Oh, god damn it.
Why is he freaking out?
What does this Cajun Sasquatch look like?
It has dreads all over his body.
(18:11):
But he's like nine feet tall, you know?
And his dreads make it look like he's super buffed though.
He doesn't have any fur on his chest
and his abdominal area is just muscle, you know?
And then the dreads on his legs make it look like
he's wearing bell bottoms.
Nice.
(18:31):
So he's continuing to rip people apart
and like starting nibbling on some arms and stuff.
One of the beach goers runs up to,
what's the main character's name?
Main character.
Runs up to the main character, Chandler.
Help, help!
Do you have something?
Can you do something?
I'm just a fiddle booty inspector, I can't do.
You have a gun right there, it's just a prop gun.
(18:53):
It's just a prop gun, it's not real.
It's not real.
Oh my god, oh my god!
The Cajun Sasquatch grabs the person by the legs.
Ah!
Starts eating him.
Oh god, oh!
Awkward.
Chandler starts walking back and gets a phone call
from one of his kids.
Oh, what, what?
Cut him in the middle of something.
Dad!
What do you want?
Dad!
(19:13):
What do you want, Timmy?
I wanna go to the mall, but mom said no.
Oh, god damn it!
Gets in the car and leaves.
The terror ensues at this beach.
I am a clown!
We're gonna take a short break
and get right back to this exhilarating story.
Exhilaration.
Don't go anywhere.
Please, please stay, despite what just happened.
Cut!
(19:38):
Hey, we're back and we have another sponsor.
Another one.
Let's spin that sponsor wheel.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah, I think I stepped in something.
That's all right.
We'll move on.
Oh.
That was the sponsor.
Oh, wait, I thought, yeah.
(19:59):
Today we're proudly sponsored by,
oh, I think I stepped in something.
Ah, girls, you stepped in it.
You ever like stepped in on a thing before
and been like, man?
Yeah, well, you know what?
Fun fact, when I was real, real young,
I was a real weirdo.
And people today don't really understand how weird I was.
And one of the things I would do is if I found dog shit,
(20:21):
I would purposely step in it slow.
Oh.
And then just have dog shit on my foot.
Why would you do that?
Dude, don't ask me questions about my childhood, okay?
That one I feel needs some clarification a little bit.
I don't know, I don't know.
I just thought it was funny.
I thought it was funny, CJ.
You know, stepping in dog doo-doo's.
I wanted people to like me!
(20:41):
I don't think that was the way to do it.
It wasn't, they didn't like me.
Apparently that's good luck.
Is it?
To step in dog shit?
Yeah, and it's happened to me a few times.
Yeah?
I don't feel too lucky.
No, no, no, no.
I got beat up for that, so.
Yeah.
But I mean, we're still alive, so I guess we're some...
Yeah, I'm here.
The dog doo-doo helped a little bit, so thanks, dog doo-doo.
(21:03):
When was the last time you saw a white dog doo-doo?
Is that a thing?
I thought pigeons did that.
You don't remember white dog shit?
No.
Yeah, it used to, if it sat out in the sun too long,
it turned white, and it doesn't do that no more.
Ah, they're putting microplastics in the dog food.
Yeah, that's probably it.
That's what's going on.
Goddamn microplastics.
Well, thank you, stepping on stuff,
stuff that's ready for us to be stepped on.
(21:26):
Sure, yeah.
On the street.
Slippery, yeah.
Oh, they're giving us money, so can't say no.
Well, where we last left off,
Chandler was trying to hook up with some babes on the beach,
but unfortunately, he has a bunch of kids
who are very needy, on top of the fact
that that occasion Sasquatch is terrorizing town.
Right, yeah.
(21:46):
In New Orleans.
Doin' a number on him.
Right, right.
In New Orleans.
So he's trying to be unfaithful,
but the cadence Sasquatch is kinda ruining that for him.
We're really missing an opportunity with the cadence.
I gotta go in with some cake to see.
That's all right.
We like to throw a wrench in an already broken story.
This one's broken already, so let's throw that wrench.
(22:07):
I got a bad one.
Oh!
Excellent.
Lettuce.
All right.
So we're gonna cut to the cadence Sasquatch some time later,
and he is making some lettuce on the beach,
and he actually has some other cadence Sasquatches
(22:29):
that are there.
Wait, wait, he's making lettuce?
Yeah, like he's grilling some lettuce
on like some human corpses.
Okay. Yeah.
Gonna make some beignet.
Another cadence Sasquatch comes and like,
man, these humans taste good, man.
I love Mardi Gras.
Hey, you got some of that spice?
Of course I got the spice, what you mean?
(22:49):
Put some spice on the lettuce.
What you mean, Sarine?
We're gonna cut to Melinda.
She is in the parking lot with binoculars.
She is a real FBI agent, actually,
and she's got like her squad with her,
and she's a commander.
Agent, what do you wanna do about this?
It seems that they're eating lettuce now.
I think they're omnivores.
(23:10):
That's interesting.
Do you think we can reason with them?
No.
I got a shot right now.
I can take it.
Wait, look, they seem to be communicating.
Hey, I think there's some humans over there.
Should we eat them too?
Oh, maybe, baby.
Yeah, we should think about it, huh?
How about we play some music, man?
(23:31):
Oh, you know what talks to my soul.
All right, let's sing some songs.
And it's just like the most horrendous, like, noises.
They're getting wild.
Take the shot.
So they're shooting them,
and then they're running for cover.
(23:51):
Cut back to the mall.
Oh, God, I could be freaking, God.
Look, Timmy, do you know how much
you're ruining my game right now?
Do you see this federal booty inspector?
Like, I can be getting,
you could have so many more brothers and sisters right now
if you weren't doing this.
Yeah, Dad, that's really hot.
That's a really hot shirt.
(24:12):
Thank you.
That's why you're my favorite.
All right, what do you want at the mall?
What do you want at the mall, Timmy?
I want some black nail polish, Dad.
You're trying to be a goth
like your brothers and sisters?
No, no.
Listen, come here, Timmy.
Not like them.
Let me tell you something, Timmy.
Goths smell real bad, okay?
(24:33):
Do you want to be smelly?
Do you want to be smelly like your brothers and sisters?
Would I be cool?
No.
Then no.
You know what's really cool?
What's cool, Dad?
Is being quiet and respectful and doing your homework
and not calling me during work hours.
Sounds like something a loser would say.
Hey, what?
I didn't even say anything.
All right, let's just get some teriyaki
(24:54):
and go home, okay?
Okay, all right.
I like teriyaki.
I cut back to the beach and there's a gunfight going on.
Like the Caden Sasquatches do have Tommy guns.
Yeah, they do have guns, of course.
Yeah, and they're shooting back.
The Caden Sasquatches.
Some of them are dying.
There's a lot of them.
Why is there so many of them?
Agent, they're killing us.
What do you want to do?
(25:15):
Kill them first, kill them.
One of them stands up and shoots
but gets a completely headshot.
Ooh.
Jesus Christ.
Headshot, sherry.
Oh, sherry.
That was a good shot there, bud.
That was good.
I'm gonna say high five.
What are we gonna do?
Maybe I'll bring out the rocket launcher.
He pulls out a rocket launcher.
Jesus Christ.
And he accidentally trips and explodes all of them.
(25:37):
They all die.
Okay, including the sassies?
Yeah.
Oh, everybody dies?
Mm-hmm.
Just one Caden Sasquatch stands.
Oh, sherry.
Oh, I don't know any other Caden words.
Oh, I don't know any other Caden words.
(25:58):
Capture them.
They shoot a net gun and it looks around them.
Oh!
Trickleize them, shoot them with trickleizers.
Oh!
Trickleize them, it's okay, it's okay.
Oh, why does it have dreads?
(26:24):
It smells like barbecue.
What do you wanna do, Agent Melissa?
Let's take him to the lab and get a study going.
Sounds good, sounds good.
So they start a huge operation
of just getting, extracting these bodies
and then hazmat people are coming
and there's a huge operation
of extracting these Caden Sasquatches.
And of course, in comes Chandler, slow motion,
(26:48):
walking up to the beach, taking his sunglasses off
and just sees a massacre.
Holy crap, what happened here?
My God, shit!
Melissa, Melinda, is that you?
Huh?
Oh yeah, hey babe.
What are you doing here?
This is my hunting ground.
I'm working.
I was gonna hook up with some babes.
(27:08):
I'm working, Jen.
Wow, this sucks.
This, do you know how much this sucks?
Being a dad sucks, dude.
Oh, don't, don't even, don't even go there, okay?
Cause I'm a mom, okay?
You don't know how hard it is to be a mom.
One of the paramedics comes and it's,
(27:29):
it's Tanner, the bully.
Melinda, hey you.
Oh, Tanner, hi.
Oh, oh great, my old bully.
You're talking to him now, huh?
Uh, I mean, yeah, I told you, I told you I was.
Hey, Tanner, remember me?
I'm the guy that you kicked my freaking sand castles over.
Yeah, sorry about that.
I was really immature back then
(27:51):
and I wanna apologize for.
Gotta save it!
Fuck you, I'm over here.
Now you're gonna be some paramedic,
like a little swooping, steal my wife, fuck you!
I'm sorry.
Melinda walks up to Tanner
and just kinda links arms with him.
Oh, hey, what's going on?
Oh, you're going with him now?
Melinda?
(28:11):
I'm gonna fuck him, I'm not gonna, that's all.
That's all that is, I still love you.
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah, you just not, you know,
we got that whole agreement, you remember?
You remember?
Remember we talked about it?
I have a wife, shows you the ring.
I'm married.
Yeah, so am I.
Yeah, fuck it.
(28:32):
Oh, yeah.
He throws the body.
He's carrying some equipment,
he just throws it down his head, all right, sounds good.
They go hook up at the back of a paramedic.
Okay, this sucks, this sucks.
He's just standing outside.
He's tipping back and forth on his feet.
(28:54):
This is the worst spring break ever!
There's not even any babes, where are all the babes?
Cut to later that night, it's him and all the kids
eating macaroni and cheese, Kraft.
Don't ask where your mother is,
she is just taking a little vacation, all right everyone?
Vacation.
(29:14):
All I ever wanted.
Well, you don't get a vacation, you've been bad, okay?
You've been calling me during work hours,
and now your mom's really stressed out,
and that's why she's not here, okay?
You light one frog on fire,
and it's just a federal case, huh?
Don't light, you don't, whatever, eat your foods, okay?
Just, you guys don't understand how hard it is
(29:35):
to be a dad, okay?
Like, I love ya, and I want you to have good lives,
but I fuckin' hate ya, also.
I don't have any free time at all.
None!
You understand that, do you understand me, Timmy?
Yes.
Okay, all right.
Cynthia, how you doin'?
I'm good, yeah.
I was thinking about cooking dinner for the family.
(29:57):
Oh, don't high road us, okay?
This is fine, this is fine, okay?
This mac and cheese I made is fine, it's good enough.
Okay, okay, no, no, this is delicious, dad, it's good.
I know you see the shirt, federal booty inspector.
I was just trying to help you.
And we pan out, and that's it, guys.
(30:19):
That's the end of this definitely not good story.
The classic, you know, you paid for what you got.
Right, yeah, and you didn't pay anything.
But thank you for listening.
Thanks.
I'd like to thank Nuckety, special guest.
Me!
Nuckety, where can they find ya?
They can find me at NUQADY on all the social medias.
(30:41):
Mm, nice, nice, nice.
And what should people eat for dinner?
I'm partial to steak.
Mm, straight up steak?
Yeah, I like steak and potatoes.
What should people eat if they don't got steak money, though?
I think you should just steal some steak.
Whoa.
Just get some steak.
(31:02):
We don't endorse stealing, but you know what I'm saying?
No, no, I was joking.
I was joking. Totally joking.
Don't steal steak.
Steal some steak, steal some steak,
go steal some steak.
Don't steal a delicious, amazing, succulent, juicy steak.
Juicy. Don't do that.
And then cook it properly.
Right.
To a perfect medium rare.
How do you cook a perfect steak?
You use warmth.
(31:27):
That's the show, guys.
Check us out at linktree.com slash DNGPOD.
Click the merch link.
Buy yourself a definitely not good hat
or definitely not good shirt.
It really helps the show out.
Appreciate you guys.
We'll see you next time.
Bye bye.
Okay, bye bye.
Not good.
What up you dingus?
(00:01):
This is Definitely Not Good, the podcast where we create stories and they're definitely probably
not good.
I'm your host CJ and I'm joined by my producer Nuckin.
Too early, sorry.
Too early, but that's alright.
That's alright.
We, we, uh, hmm, where'd they go?
Oh yeah, no guest.
Just us.
Just us.
So, uh, it's just him and I.
So strap yourselves in for some not good, which I don't know if this will be or not.
(00:24):
I don't know.
Cue the music.
This is your first time listening.
(00:48):
This is pretty much how everything works.
We are amazing storytellers.
Story.
Our job, our sacred duty to come up with a story completely from scratch with a little
twist.
We have a series of wheels we're going to spin, each of them random.
And depending on where the wheel ends up, we have to somehow incorporate it into our
story and I got a burp.
So just give me one moment while I do that.
(01:10):
Very cute.
Very demure.
It was a small burp.
Um, today, um, it's just me and Nuckity and I also want to point out, um, if you do like
the show, want to see it keep going, check out linktree.com slash DNG POD, click the
merch link by a definitely not good shirt or definitely not good hat.
It really, really helped us out and it keeps the show going.
(01:31):
Um, it really does.
Otherwise we're, uh, uh, what happens to us?
Not to be thought we're, we're going to die of starvation.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's not ideal.
We're going to lose the studio for real.
To be realistic.
Yeah.
We're going to lose the studio.
Yeah.
Well, you know, like, yeah.
If you're going to check us out, um, not to be, how you doing today?
(01:52):
Um, well, CJ, I got to poop.
Oh, and I haven't been able to do that for a while because no one will watch my kid long
enough for me to do that unless I'm at work.
Hmm.
So tried pooping with your kid.
No, no, no.
It sounds like it might get a little, he's too much of a menace.
(02:13):
Uh, he will destroy my bathroom.
If I let him just be there.
Well, your, your kids not here now, so you can, you're free to poop right in this chair
if you want.
Oh God, thank you.
I can't wait to do that.
Okay.
That was a little, you didn't have to fart as soon as I said that.
Don't worry about it.
I'm surprised the mics didn't pick that up.
Um, so we're not sponsored by anyone today.
(02:36):
No, no, no, no.
Surprise, surprise.
But we do have a wheel to spin to choose a sponsor for us.
So let's spin that sponsor wheel.
Today's episode is brought to you by some nerds.
This episode is proudly sponsored to you by some nerds.
You know, the fact that we're recording this and it's being picked up by instruments and
(03:01):
then transmitted online to you, uh, thanks to some nerds.
Couple of nerds.
Nerds are pretty great.
Nerds, you know, nerds are good.
I like nerds.
I like them also when they're covering a gummy candy.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Those are some pretty good nerds.
Now the, the billionaire nerds, I I'm not sure if I like them as much as I like, you know,
(03:26):
the nerds innovating and changing the world and stuff.
I like their potential.
Yeah.
They could potentially save the world, but you know, potentially, potentially.
Yeah.
Um, what else can we say about nerds?
They're pretty great.
They're pretty smart.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, you remember when it wasn't cool to be a nerd?
(03:48):
Remember that?
I do.
Good times.
Well, no.
Good times.
Um, they were good times guys.
If you guys can believe this, me and Nuckity used to be nerds in high school.
Used to be guys.
Used to be.
We're totally cool now.
We're so cool.
You remember when somebody would just punch you in the face because you were wearing glasses?
You remember that?
Um, I remember.
(04:09):
Hambridge Farm remembers.
Thank you nerds.
Thank you nerds.
Thanks for sticking it out.
I think nerds won too, you know?
We did, man.
And that's bullshit, but whatever, you know, cause we, we won a little bit later than I
needed it to be.
I just need nerds to lock in and like bring humanity up with the rest of them.
You know?
Yeah.
Like, yeah, you won.
Yeah.
You're sleeping with, with people, but like, what about the rest of us?
You know, not all the rest of us.
Not all the rest of us.
Not all the rest of us.
Not all the rest of us.
Not all the rest of us.
(04:30):
Not all the rest of us.
Not all the rest of us.
Not all the rest of us.
Not all the jocks are bad.
Okay.
Not all of them.
Like that one jock in the corner who kind of felt bad.
I want to know that one's not bad.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
I got a little bit of a headache, but we're going to keep it going today.
(04:50):
You got a headache?
You want some stuff?
Oh, uh, yeah.
What do you got?
I got ibuprofen.
Oh, I don't take that bullshit.
You got some Skittles?
No, no, I don't have any skittles.
We're not sponsored by Skittles.
No, no, no.
This would be a great plug-in for them, but we're not going to endorse skittles right now.
Advil's pretty much just a Skittle-less.
Oh, yeah.
Can I chew on an Advil?
(05:11):
You can, but you won't be happy.
What do you mean?
The outside's delicious, but the inside?
No, no, no, no, no.
I kind of want to try that.
Do you have like an Advil Skittle?
Oh, not here.
No.
Dang.
I'm going to try that on there next time.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Well, hey, let's get started with this dumbass podcast, shall we?
Mm, a bit.
And yeah, our first wheels are genre wheel.
(05:32):
What are we making today?
Ganderes man!
Woo!
Woo!
Cryptid of choice comes to town.
Sorry, what?
A cryptid of choice comes to town.
A cryptid of choice?
Yeah.
What does that mean?
Like a, like a, like a, like a, like a Chupacabra or, or Sasquatch or, or, you know, one of
(05:56):
them things.
Oh, a cryptid.
Mothman.
A monster of some sort.
Yeah.
What's the difference between a monster and a cryptid?
Cryptids might be real.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
What else is there?
What else is there?
Like, yeah, Mothman.
There's, there's Nessie.
There's another cryptid.
Santa Claus?
Santa Claus.
Okay.
He's a cryptid.
Yeah.
All right.
(06:17):
Well, let's roll with that.
Our next wheel is our setting.
Where are we taking place?
Ah, oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Ooh, spring break.
Spring break?
Spring break.
(06:37):
That's our setting.
I like it.
Woo.
Um, so we'll just assume that's the beach, I guess.
Sure.
When people yell spring break, it's usually in bikinis, on the beach.
Maybe, maybe New Orleans?
New Orleans?
New Orleans.
Okay, I like that.
Does New Orleans have beaches?
They have a bayou.
(06:59):
We're just gonna call that a beach.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, Swabland.
Our next wheel is our character job.
What's the job of the main character?
Oh, look at that.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
(07:19):
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Booty inspector.
Or booty, or booty.
The B is double sided.
Excellent.
Yeah.
Our next wheel is our character flaw.
Something is wrong with this FBI agent.
Yeah, but.
What is it?
Ah!
Ah!
(07:40):
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
They got too many kids.
Ha, ha, ha.
Okay, okay.
You know, that can be a flaw
if you're trying to live it up on spring break.
Yeah, yeah.
A serious flaw.
Holding you down, you know.
Our second to last wheel is our antagonist.
He's the bad person of the story.
Ah!
Ah!
(08:00):
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Excuse me.
Sorry.
A bully from the past.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
So to recap, we have a cryptid of choice
coming to a town or something.
We are spring breaking it at a freaking,
(08:20):
hold on, let me restart here.
Okay.
We have a cryptid story in New Orleans, Bayou, slash, beach.
Sure, yeah.
Main character is a federal booty inspector,
or booby inspector.
Booty or booby.
With the flaw of having too many kids,
(08:40):
and their villain, the main villain is a bully.
Bully from the past, yeah.
Bully from the past.
Catches up.
Cool.
So we're gonna start this off with a flashback.
Would you play the bully named Tenor?
Gladly.
Loser.
So Billy is,
(09:01):
let's get a different name than Billy.
How about,
how about Chad?
Chad?
Yeah.
For the main guy?
Yeah, so the main character's name is Chandler.
Chandler.
And he's a small little boy, you know,
he's in recess and he's making a little sand castle
out of mulch,
(09:22):
because they're in the play area of school,
just didn't really have sand.
Okay, okay.
And up walks freaking,
what's the boy's name?
You just said it, I know, right?
My brain is not on on the way.
Same, same.
Oh, it's the bull, what are you doing here?
He freaking kicks the sand castle over.
Hey, my castle!
(09:43):
Was that your castle?
Yeah!
Where's my castle now?
You got me?
You destroyed it, dude!
You did, ha ha ha, yeah!
You don't deserve to have a castle,
because it's my castle.
Thanks for building it for me so I can just,
can't get over, I can't get over!
Ha ha, yeah!
The boy walks away, and Chandler stands up.
(10:04):
He's my cookies, take these cookies too.
When I get older, I'm gonna make sure everyone
is impoverished and out of money, including him,
and I'm gonna have girlfriends and be FBI agent.
Ha ha ha ha.
Kid has dreams, you know?
Cut to 25 years later, he is walking, it is spring break.
We are at New Orleans, spring break down, okay?
(10:26):
And he is walking out of a limousine,
and he's got an FBI agent, sorry, FBI shirt on
with sunglasses, he takes the sunglasses off,
in slow motion of course, looking at the horizon,
and it's nothing but babes.
Nothing but babes!
And barbecue vendors.
Yeah, the three B's.
(10:47):
Yeah.
Babes, barbecue, and babes.
Yeah, and he's walking in slow motion,
and he's checking out a girl as he's walking by,
and he's like, ha ha ha.
Suddenly gets a phone call from Melinda.
Melinda, okay.
Enter the phone.
Melinda, what's going on?
What's going on, Melinda?
(11:07):
Hey, when are you gonna pick up these goddamn kids, huh?
I thought you were gonna pick them up.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
it's your turn to do that, so.
Yeah, I had to pick up some eggs from the store, you know?
Like, I had to go across town for the cheaper.
Oh, you got money for eggs,
but you don't got money for these kids.
Melinda, can we talk about this later?
(11:27):
I know, I wanna talk about it right now.
What do you want?
What do you want, Melinda?
I want you to come get these kids,
so I don't gotta deal with them.
Okay, fine.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, fine, that's good.
Okay, love you, bye.
Okay, okay.
Fucking hater.
So, he pays the limousine driver
an exorbitant amount, and the limousine drives away,
(11:49):
and he has an old rickety SUV.
Why did I get a limousine for this entrance?
It didn't...
Okay, my life.
He takes his sunglasses off, gets in the SUV,
and drives to the elementary school,
where he picks up five of his kids.
Five of them.
Yep, they're in. That's not all of them.
(12:09):
Great.
There's more.
What do they say to them as they enter the car?
Dabble, dabble, dabble, dabble.
What, what, what, what, what, what?
I wanna hear the good song.
I can't tell you the good song right now.
I gotta drive and pick up your other stupid...
I wanna hear the good song!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, how's it?
I love my children.
(12:31):
Children are so good.
Ha ha ha, yeah!
Children are so good, I fucking...
I love the good song!
Timmy, did you fart?
Yes.
Don't fart in the car without saying excuse me.
But I had to fart.
Say excuse me.
Excuse you.
Thank you.
Rolls down the window.
Samantha, how was school?
(12:52):
I wanna talk about it.
Okay, fine.
Timmy, how was school?
I don't wanna talk about it either.
Great!
Drives off.
I don't wanna talk about it!
Ha ha ha.
Cut to a college.
He's picking up his other three kids.
They're all in college, and they're very moody.
(13:12):
They're all goths, by the way.
Okay, okay.
Chris, Chris and Chris, hello?
Oh, Chris.
Hello, hello, hello.
Fine, don't say hi to your daughter, to your desk.
Don't say hi to me, I'm the person picking you up.
Huh?
Oh, you.
Hey, Chandler.
The name is Dad to you, Chris.
(13:33):
Right, right.
Dad, he looks at the other ones and just...
How was college?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Fine!
Drives off.
He picks up his oldest daughter named Cynthia,
who is a doctor at this school.
She gets in the very, very back.
(13:54):
Hello, Cynthia, how was work?
Hi, Daddy, it was good.
Oh, good.
Timmy, did you fart again?
No!
Don't fart without saying excuse me!
I did!
God damn it!
Drives off.
Cut to a very large living room,
and at a dining table, everyone's sitting across.
(14:16):
The mother and the father are sitting at the end tables.
Okay, we're gonna say grace.
Everybody hold your hands together and pray to God, okay?
I don't believe in God.
Don't say that, it's a dinner table!
Ha ha ha!
Close your eyes and put your hands together!
God, fine.
Dear God. I hate this family.
Fine, you can eat your food and play Fortnite over there.
(14:38):
I don't care!
Fine, I will!
Great, great, everybody can just eat their food
in the rooms, all right?
Go ahead and do that!
Everybody just gives up on these.
Oh wow, this is so good!
Next step for Cynthia.
Cynthia, thank you for being here.
No problem, Dad, yeah.
Do you mind watching the kids for a couple of hours?
I have to take care of something tomorrow morning.
I'm kinda on call.
(14:59):
Can you call out?
Fine, for you, I'll call out.
Yes!
So by the way, he is still wearing his FBI inspector shirt.
Ha ha ha!
It's all he has, just a bunch of those.
Melinda, food's great.
(15:20):
Thanks for making food for everyone.
Yeah, well, you're welcome.
Yeah, so, you know, I love you.
How was work?
Work was awesome?
Awesome.
Weren't you tracking some kind of like
(15:41):
cryptid, mythological monster that was in town?
Yeah, we found the Cajun Sasquatch.
I'm sorry, what was it called?
We found the Cajun Sasquatch.
Oh, you found the Cajun Sasquatch?
Yeah, we found the Cajun Sasquatch.
Well, what's it doing here?
Well, this is where, you know, it's really Cajun here, so.
Is it Cajun because he like has an accent or something?
(16:02):
Yeah, he probably has an accent.
Does he eat food?
We found it, but we didn't talk to him, so.
What was he doing?
He was eating some etouffee.
I have no idea what that is, but congratulations, honey.
Yeah, thank you.
What are you guys gonna do with it
as I eat this mac and cheese?
We're gonna study it, probably dissect it,
(16:22):
you know, learn from it.
Okay, cool, well.
It's the missing link, so.
I have reached my threshold of caring.
I'm going to the beach tomorrow to hit on some,
I mean, you know, do some, check out my shirt,
some federal booty inspecting.
We have an agreement, it's okay, I know.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(16:42):
So just let me.
As long as you come home to these goddamn kids.
Well, you know, I'm just letting you know
how my day is tomorrow, so.
All right, okay, thanks.
I'll put it on the docket.
I'll put it on the calendar so that I won't forget.
I saw you friended my old childhood bully, Tanner.
Tanner, yeah, he's kinda cute, so.
Kinda cute.
Yeah.
And you think bullies are cute, huh?
Yeah, well, you know, like a man, you know?
(17:06):
Like a real man.
Oh, I'm sorry, did a man not give you
all these kids that you have?
Was this just all these fucking kids?
All these fucking kids?
Thanks for the kids, babe.
Oh, you're welcome, you're so welcome, Melinda.
I'm gonna go sleep.
Okay, fine.
I'm gonna go talk to Tanner in his DMs.
(17:26):
Great.
I'm gonna DM Tanner.
Cut to the next day, he is getting out of his SUV
and it's a slow motion.
He has the same shirt on he did yesterday,
Federal Booty Inspector.
Right.
He takes the glasses off and he looks at the horizon
and he's walking in slow motion checking a girl out
(17:48):
and then suddenly a giant Cajun Sasquatch comes out
and starts ripping people apart and just attacking everyone.
Oh, god damn it.
Why is he freaking out?
What does this Cajun Sasquatch look like?
It has dreads all over his body.
(18:11):
But he's like nine feet tall, you know?
And his dreads make it look like he's super buffed though.
He doesn't have any fur on his chest
and his abdominal area is just muscle, you know?
And then the dreads on his legs make it look like
he's wearing bell bottoms.
Nice.
(18:31):
So he's continuing to rip people apart
and like starting nibbling on some arms and stuff.
One of the beach goers runs up to,
what's the main character's name?
Main character.
Runs up to the main character, Chandler.
Help, help!
Do you have something?
Can you do something?
I'm just a fiddle booty inspector, I can't do.
You have a gun right there, it's just a prop gun.
(18:53):
It's just a prop gun, it's not real.
It's not real.
Oh my god, oh my god!
The Cajun Sasquatch grabs the person by the legs.
Ah!
Starts eating him.
Oh god, oh!
Awkward.
Chandler starts walking back and gets a phone call
from one of his kids.
Oh, what, what?
Cut him in the middle of something.
Dad!
What do you want?
Dad!
(19:13):
What do you want, Timmy?
I wanna go to the mall, but mom said no.
Oh, god damn it!
Gets in the car and leaves.
The terror ensues at this beach.
I am a clown!
We're gonna take a short break
and get right back to this exhilarating story.
Exhilaration.
Don't go anywhere.
Please, please stay, despite what just happened.
Cut!
(19:38):
Hey, we're back and we have another sponsor.
Another one.
Let's spin that sponsor wheel.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah, I think I stepped in something.
That's all right.
We'll move on.
Oh.
That was the sponsor.
Oh, wait, I thought, yeah.
(19:59):
Today we're proudly sponsored by,
oh, I think I stepped in something.
Ah, girls, you stepped in it.
You ever like stepped in on a thing before
and been like, man?
Yeah, well, you know what?
Fun fact, when I was real, real young,
I was a real weirdo.
And people today don't really understand how weird I was.
And one of the things I would do is if I found dog shit,
(20:21):
I would purposely step in it slow.
Oh.
And then just have dog shit on my foot.
Why would you do that?
Dude, don't ask me questions about my childhood, okay?
That one I feel needs some clarification a little bit.
I don't know, I don't know.
I just thought it was funny.
I thought it was funny, CJ.
You know, stepping in dog doo-doo's.
I wanted people to like me!
(20:41):
I don't think that was the way to do it.
It wasn't, they didn't like me.
Apparently that's good luck.
Is it?
To step in dog shit?
Yeah, and it's happened to me a few times.
Yeah?
I don't feel too lucky.
No, no, no, no.
I got beat up for that, so.
Yeah.
But I mean, we're still alive, so I guess we're some...
Yeah, I'm here.
The dog doo-doo helped a little bit, so thanks, dog doo-doo.
(21:03):
When was the last time you saw a white dog doo-doo?
Is that a thing?
I thought pigeons did that.
You don't remember white dog shit?
No.
Yeah, it used to, if it sat out in the sun too long,
it turned white, and it doesn't do that no more.
Ah, they're putting microplastics in the dog food.
Yeah, that's probably it.
That's what's going on.
Goddamn microplastics.
Well, thank you, stepping on stuff,
stuff that's ready for us to be stepped on.
(21:26):
Sure, yeah.
On the street.
Slippery, yeah.
Oh, they're giving us money, so can't say no.
Well, where we last left off,
Chandler was trying to hook up with some babes on the beach,
but unfortunately, he has a bunch of kids
who are very needy, on top of the fact
that that occasion Sasquatch is terrorizing town.
Right, yeah.
(21:46):
In New Orleans.
Doin' a number on him.
Right, right.
In New Orleans.
So he's trying to be unfaithful,
but the cadence Sasquatch is kinda ruining that for him.
We're really missing an opportunity with the cadence.
I gotta go in with some cake to see.
That's all right.
We like to throw a wrench in an already broken story.
This one's broken already, so let's throw that wrench.
(22:07):
I got a bad one.
Oh!
Excellent.
Lettuce.
All right.
So we're gonna cut to the cadence Sasquatch some time later,
and he is making some lettuce on the beach,
and he actually has some other cadence Sasquatches
(22:29):
that are there.
Wait, wait, he's making lettuce?
Yeah, like he's grilling some lettuce
on like some human corpses.
Okay. Yeah.
Gonna make some beignet.
Another cadence Sasquatch comes and like,
man, these humans taste good, man.
I love Mardi Gras.
Hey, you got some of that spice?
Of course I got the spice, what you mean?
(22:49):
Put some spice on the lettuce.
What you mean, Sarine?
We're gonna cut to Melinda.
She is in the parking lot with binoculars.
She is a real FBI agent, actually,
and she's got like her squad with her,
and she's a commander.
Agent, what do you wanna do about this?
It seems that they're eating lettuce now.
I think they're omnivores.
(23:10):
That's interesting.
Do you think we can reason with them?
No.
I got a shot right now.
I can take it.
Wait, look, they seem to be communicating.
Hey, I think there's some humans over there.
Should we eat them too?
Oh, maybe, baby.
Yeah, we should think about it, huh?
How about we play some music, man?
(23:31):
Oh, you know what talks to my soul.
All right, let's sing some songs.
And it's just like the most horrendous, like, noises.
They're getting wild.
Take the shot.
So they're shooting them,
and then they're running for cover.
(23:51):
Cut back to the mall.
Oh, God, I could be freaking, God.
Look, Timmy, do you know how much
you're ruining my game right now?
Do you see this federal booty inspector?
Like, I can be getting,
you could have so many more brothers and sisters right now
if you weren't doing this.
Yeah, Dad, that's really hot.
That's a really hot shirt.
(24:12):
Thank you.
That's why you're my favorite.
All right, what do you want at the mall?
What do you want at the mall, Timmy?
I want some black nail polish, Dad.
You're trying to be a goth
like your brothers and sisters?
No, no.
Listen, come here, Timmy.
Not like them.
Let me tell you something, Timmy.
Goths smell real bad, okay?
(24:33):
Do you want to be smelly?
Do you want to be smelly like your brothers and sisters?
Would I be cool?
No.
Then no.
You know what's really cool?
What's cool, Dad?
Is being quiet and respectful and doing your homework
and not calling me during work hours.
Sounds like something a loser would say.
Hey, what?
I didn't even say anything.
All right, let's just get some teriyaki
(24:54):
and go home, okay?
Okay, all right.
I like teriyaki.
I cut back to the beach and there's a gunfight going on.
Like the Caden Sasquatches do have Tommy guns.
Yeah, they do have guns, of course.
Yeah, and they're shooting back.
The Caden Sasquatches.
Some of them are dying.
There's a lot of them.
Why is there so many of them?
Agent, they're killing us.
What do you want to do?
(25:15):
Kill them first, kill them.
One of them stands up and shoots
but gets a completely headshot.
Ooh.
Jesus Christ.
Headshot, sherry.
Oh, sherry.
That was a good shot there, bud.
That was good.
I'm gonna say high five.
What are we gonna do?
Maybe I'll bring out the rocket launcher.
He pulls out a rocket launcher.
Jesus Christ.
And he accidentally trips and explodes all of them.
(25:37):
They all die.
Okay, including the sassies?
Yeah.
Oh, everybody dies?
Mm-hmm.
Just one Caden Sasquatch stands.
Oh, sherry.
Oh, I don't know any other Caden words.
Oh, I don't know any other Caden words.
(25:58):
Capture them.
They shoot a net gun and it looks around them.
Oh!
Trickleize them, shoot them with trickleizers.
Oh!
Trickleize them, it's okay, it's okay.
Oh, why does it have dreads?
(26:24):
It smells like barbecue.
What do you wanna do, Agent Melissa?
Let's take him to the lab and get a study going.
Sounds good, sounds good.
So they start a huge operation
of just getting, extracting these bodies
and then hazmat people are coming
and there's a huge operation
of extracting these Caden Sasquatches.
And of course, in comes Chandler, slow motion,
(26:48):
walking up to the beach, taking his sunglasses off
and just sees a massacre.
Holy crap, what happened here?
My God, shit!
Melissa, Melinda, is that you?
Huh?
Oh yeah, hey babe.
What are you doing here?
This is my hunting ground.
I'm working.
I was gonna hook up with some babes.
(27:08):
I'm working, Jen.
Wow, this sucks.
This, do you know how much this sucks?
Being a dad sucks, dude.
Oh, don't, don't even, don't even go there, okay?
Cause I'm a mom, okay?
You don't know how hard it is to be a mom.
One of the paramedics comes and it's,
(27:29):
it's Tanner, the bully.
Melinda, hey you.
Oh, Tanner, hi.
Oh, oh great, my old bully.
You're talking to him now, huh?
Uh, I mean, yeah, I told you, I told you I was.
Hey, Tanner, remember me?
I'm the guy that you kicked my freaking sand castles over.
Yeah, sorry about that.
I was really immature back then
(27:51):
and I wanna apologize for.
Gotta save it!
Fuck you, I'm over here.
Now you're gonna be some paramedic,
like a little swooping, steal my wife, fuck you!
I'm sorry.
Melinda walks up to Tanner
and just kinda links arms with him.
Oh, hey, what's going on?
Oh, you're going with him now?
Melinda?
(28:11):
I'm gonna fuck him, I'm not gonna, that's all.
That's all that is, I still love you.
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah, you just not, you know,
we got that whole agreement, you remember?
You remember?
Remember we talked about it?
I have a wife, shows you the ring.
I'm married.
Yeah, so am I.
Yeah, fuck it.
(28:32):
Oh, yeah.
He throws the body.
He's carrying some equipment,
he just throws it down his head, all right, sounds good.
They go hook up at the back of a paramedic.
Okay, this sucks, this sucks.
He's just standing outside.
He's tipping back and forth on his feet.
(28:54):
This is the worst spring break ever!
There's not even any babes, where are all the babes?
Cut to later that night, it's him and all the kids
eating macaroni and cheese, Kraft.
Don't ask where your mother is,
she is just taking a little vacation, all right everyone?
Vacation.
(29:14):
All I ever wanted.
Well, you don't get a vacation, you've been bad, okay?
You've been calling me during work hours,
and now your mom's really stressed out,
and that's why she's not here, okay?
You light one frog on fire,
and it's just a federal case, huh?
Don't light, you don't, whatever, eat your foods, okay?
Just, you guys don't understand how hard it is
(29:35):
to be a dad, okay?
Like, I love ya, and I want you to have good lives,
but I fuckin' hate ya, also.
I don't have any free time at all.
None!
You understand that, do you understand me, Timmy?
Yes.
Okay, all right.
Cynthia, how you doin'?
I'm good, yeah.
I was thinking about cooking dinner for the family.
(29:57):
Oh, don't high road us, okay?
This is fine, this is fine, okay?
This mac and cheese I made is fine, it's good enough.
Okay, okay, no, no, this is delicious, dad, it's good.
I know you see the shirt, federal booty inspector.
I was just trying to help you.
And we pan out, and that's it, guys.
(30:19):
That's the end of this definitely not good story.
The classic, you know, you paid for what you got.
Right, yeah, and you didn't pay anything.
But thank you for listening.
Thanks.
I'd like to thank Nuckety, special guest.
Me!
Nuckety, where can they find ya?
They can find me at NUQADY on all the social medias.
(30:41):
Mm, nice, nice, nice.
And what should people eat for dinner?
I'm partial to steak.
Mm, straight up steak?
Yeah, I like steak and potatoes.
What should people eat if they don't got steak money, though?
I think you should just steal some steak.
Whoa.
Just get some steak.
(31:02):
We don't endorse stealing, but you know what I'm saying?
No, no, I was joking.
I was joking. Totally joking.
Don't steal steak.
Steal some steak, steal some steak,
go steal some steak.
Don't steal a delicious, amazing, succulent, juicy steak.
Juicy. Don't do that.
And then cook it properly.
Right.
To a perfect medium rare.
How do you cook a perfect steak?
You use warmth.
(31:27):
That's the show, guys.
Check us out at linktree.com slash DNGPOD.
Click the merch link.
Buy yourself a definitely not good hat
or definitely not good shirt.
It really helps the show out.
Appreciate you guys.
We'll see you next time.
Bye bye.
Okay, bye bye.
Not good.
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