August 1, 2024 • 27 mins
What if your partner doesn't feel safe enough to share their deepest thoughts with you? In today's episode of Demo with Mo we explore the essential role that communication plays in building intimacy within relationships. We reflect on our behaviors and consider if we truly provide a safe space for our partners to express their issues and concerns without fear of being dismissed or criticized. This episode is a thought-provoking journey into the dynamics of creating environments where both parties feel heard, validated, and emotionally secure.
We discuss the impact of being dismissive, defensive, or harsh, and how such actions can damage the foundation of trust and open dialogue. Self-reflection and allocating dedicated time for meaningful conversations can transform the way we communicate with our loved ones. I emphasize that this journey requires patience, vulnerability, and consistent effort, aiming to cultivate a healthier, more thriving relationship where both partners feel valued and understood. The insights shared in this episode shine a light on the importance of nurturing a space where emotional intimacy can flourish.
Finally, we dive into practical strategies that can help you establish more effective communication within your relationship. Learn how to use "I statements" to express your feelings without blame, practice active listening to truly understand your partner's perspective, and recognize the necessity of compromise for mutual satisfaction. Don't miss this enriching discussion on building intimacy through communication on Demo with Mo!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
what's up, guys?
Welcome to demo with mo.
I'm your host, monique simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
(00:26):
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be
discussing can your partner talkto you?
On today's episode, I have beenreflecting and thinking about
this, on being able to talk withyour partner or your spouse.
(00:48):
Is this something you're ableto do?
I want you to also begin tothink about that in your
personal relationship, whetheryou're in a committed
relationship or if you'remarried, is your partner or your
spouse able to come and talk toyou if there are problems going
on in a relationship?
Is there if there's conflict,if there's something on their
(01:10):
mind, if there's something theyjust want to vent to you about
or discuss with you, orsomething they just want to
maybe divulge to you, or justanything, maybe something that
doesn't even have to deal withyou, but they just you're the
person that they trust.
You're the person that theylove, you're their person and
you are the person that theywant to talk with.
(01:32):
Whatever it is that's going onin their head you're the person
that they want to talk to itabout.
Are they able to talk to you,especially if it's something
that concerns you guys in arelationship or the marriage?
Are they able to come to you?
Are they able to come to younot just talk to you per se,
(01:54):
meaning they can come to you andshare it with you but are they
able to come to you in a waywhere they feel safe, they'll
feel heard, they'll feelvalidated, they'll feel seen.
You won't dismiss them, youwon't get defensive, you won't
(02:16):
feel like it's an attack againstyou.
If they bring something up,maybe an issue in a relationship
, something that they feel theycan be done differently in a
relationship, maybe somethingthat can be worked on between
the two of you, maybe somethingthat they've noticed that they
(02:38):
want to talk about and work outor work through together.
Whatever it is, are they ableto come talk to you?
Can your partner or spouse cometalk to you and vice versa?
Are you able to talk to yourpartner or spouse come talk to
you and vice versa?
Are you able to talk to yourpartner or your spouse or do
they dismiss you or do theyinvalidate you, your feelings?
Do they not hear you, do theyget defensive?
Do they call you critical?
(02:59):
Do you feel like you're neverdoing enough?
You can never get it right?
And this is from either side.
This is not one way.
And this can be man or woman.
This is not a one way, one sex,one person in a relationship.
This is vice versa.
(03:19):
I really want you to take amoment before we dive into this
conversation and I know I'mdoing this a little different
than I usually do but I reallywant you to sit with this for a
minute to really reflect onyourself personally, because
it's easy to point the finger,it's easy to see what your
(03:42):
partner or your spouse does ordoesn't do, but I really want
you to sit with it for a minuteand to think about them, but
also think about yourself,because I'm sure when I ask the
first question, can you talk toyour partner or your spouse?
I'm sure you could quickly comeup with an answer, especially
(04:03):
if that answer is no.
I'm sure you could quickly comeup with an answer, especially
if the answer is no.
I'm sure you came up with thatfast.
But I also want you to reflectfor a minute.
Take a moment to look in themirror.
Take a moment to do a littlereflection and not even answer
from your own perspective.
But if I was sitting downhaving a conversation with your
(04:23):
partner or your spouse, whatwould they say to me if they
were being truly honest?
And maybe you don't know,because I'm going to tell you
something If your partner oryour spouse doesn't feel like
they can talk to you, youprobably won't even know the
(04:46):
answer to this question, becausethey probably haven't been
honest with you, because theycan't talk to you.
They don't even feel comfortablesaying that to you If we're
being honest.
So I really want you to take amoment and really think about it
(05:08):
.
Am I able to talk to my partner?
I'm talking about really talkto them.
I'm not talking about that onthe surface stuff where we are
handling business.
We're talking about the kids Ifwe got to do pickup and drop
offs and taking care of thebills and you know just enough
conversation where we can stillbe in relationship with one
(05:30):
another.
But I'm talking about true,intimate conversation that
builds intimacy in ourrelationship and in our
marriages, where we really getto know one another and we can
build that connection and growin our relationships, where we
can really even thoseuncomfortable things, those
(05:52):
things that may hurt ourfeelings, because that's a lot
of times why we can't talk toone another, because one of or
both people in a relationshipmay not want to get
uncomfortable.
You usually get defensive ordismiss the partner because you
don't want to deal with thatuncomfortability.
You don't want somebody to sayyou're doing something wrong but
(06:15):
you don't want to feel likeyou're being attacked or you
can't get anything right.
And that may not your partnermore likely, if they love you
and it's coming from a genuineplace of bringing up things that
concern them, or they want togrow or they want to be better,
it's not coming from a place ofcoming from that place of
(06:40):
wanting to attack you or becritical or hurt you or demean
you or from that type ofnegative place, but from a place
of there may be an issue hereor something that I see here or
something that I don't want toavoid that could hurt us down
the road.
But I want us to be in a greatplace.
(07:02):
I want to build us up.
I want us to be the best we canbe.
I want to create more intimacyhere.
I want to know you better.
I want to love you better.
I want to know you, I want tobe known by you.
I want to be safe with you.
I want to feel safe with you.
But if we only see our partneror our spouses from a place of
(07:25):
they're attacking us, we cannever do anything right.
I got to have my wall and myguard up.
They'll never feel comfortabletalking to us.
We'll never be able to buildthat intimacy with one another.
They'll feel dismissed by us.
Their feelings will never bevalidated in a relationship or
(07:47):
marriage will never be what wewant it to be.
And I know that's not whateither person in a relationship
truly desires, because bothpeople in a relationship want to
be seen, they want to be known,they want to be loved, they
want to be respected, they wantto be heard.
Man or woman, that's what weall want.
(08:08):
So I hope you've had a minuteto really reflect on that, to
see where are you in yourrelationship.
And if you don't know whereyour partner or your spouse is,
I encourage you, I really hope,by the end of this episode, if
you don't know, that you wouldtake the chance and this is
(08:29):
vulnerability that you wouldtake the chance to open up and
ask them are you able to talk tome, like really talk to me
beyond the surface level stuff,like, do you feel comfortable
talking to me?
And if yes, that's beautiful.
And if no, what can I do tocreate that atmosphere?
(08:54):
What can I do differently?
What have I been doing in thepast and presently to make you
feel like you can't talk to me?
Have I been defensive?
Have I been dismissive?
(09:15):
Have I not validated yourfeelings?
Have I been dismissive?
Have I not validated yourfeelings?
Have I cut you off?
Have I been harsh?
Have I treated you unfairly?
Was I angry?
Was I mean?
Was I bitter?
Was I short?
What did I do to make you feellike you weren't safe with me?
(09:36):
You couldn't talk to me, Iwould not hear you, I wouldn't
listen to you.
What did I do and what could Ido differently going forward,
because I want you to know thatyou are safe with me.
I love you and I care about you, and the things that concern
you concern me as well.
Because I love you, you're mypartner.
(09:57):
You're my partner, you're myperson.
You're the person that I'vechose to do life with.
You are the person that I'vecommitted myself to and I'm
sorry that my actions have notreflected that and it's more to
me than just words.
But I want my actions, I wantmy life to reflect that in the
way that I treat you, in the waythat I talk to you, in my tone,
(10:20):
in my demeanor.
What can I do going forward?
And I know there'svulnerability, I know there's
transparency.
I know that may sound scary andit may not be easy to do, but
this is what your partner oryour spouse needs from you to
feel safe and this is not gonnabe a one-off thing.
(10:43):
They may not even feel safetalking to you or be able to
talk to you beyond surface levelthings off, this one-time
effort, this one-timeconversation, but it's a start.
It's the beginning to a newbeginning in your relationship
or your marriage.
But you have to start somewhere.
(11:03):
But as long as you continuedown the same road that you've
been going and I don't know whatthat looks like in your
relationship but it startedsomewhere to get you to a place.
But it started somewhere to getyou to a place If your partner
is not comfortable talking toyou or they don't feel safe with
you to share, to sharethemselves, to share their
(11:24):
hearts, to really open up withyou.
It's something that got themhere.
They did not just get there.
There are some things that havetranspired and happened in the
relationship that has got themhere.
So there are going to have tobe some things to happen and
transpire to get them to feelsafe.
It won't be a one-time thing,so you're going to have to be
(11:46):
patient and you're going to haveto trust the process, but they
will eventually begin to feelsafe with you.
But you're going to have to dothe work.
So let's do the work.
Let's do the work.
I started this podcast because Ihave a heart and a passion for
relationships and marriages andfamilies, because I want to see
(12:10):
people thriving.
I want to see families in ahealthy place.
I want to see relationships andmarriages in a beautiful place,
the way God desires for them tobe.
And this is not because I havea perfect relationship and a
perfect marriage and in a in aperfect family, because I don't.
(12:31):
I don't.
I struggle and I'm trying togrow and I'm trying to learn and
I'm trying to get there, justlike everyone else who is
striving and doing the work.
But that's the thing.
I'm striving and I'm doing thework, and that was the whole
point of me starting thispodcast.
That was the whole point.
(12:52):
So you can be encouraged andknow there are people just like
you who are striving and tryingto do the work too.
You are not alone in the thingsthat you struggle with, in the
things that you face in yourday-to-day, especially as
Christians and believers,because the enemy hates marriage
.
He hates marriage, especiallyChristian marriages.
(13:18):
He hates it.
So we're always under attack.
So it seems like it's always astruggle and it's always
spiritual warfare.
But I just want you to know youare not alone.
So some tips for talking withyour partner.
So, before talking, before youeven want to start having a
conversation with your partner,take a minute to reflect.
(13:40):
Take some time out to thinkabout what exactly it is you
want to talk about with yourpartner.
Try identifying, like, what isit?
What's the issue?
What is it that I want to bringup with my partner?
Try to get your thoughtstogether.
What exactly it is that I needto talk with my partner.
Try to get your thoughtstogether.
What exactly it is that I needto talk with my partner or my
spouse about.
Like don't just go in and kindof be all over the place, like
(14:03):
if it's a specific issue thatyou guys are dealing with or
something that you want to bringup to your partner.
Kind of have in mind exactlywhat it is that you want to talk
about with your partner.
Next, make some time or setaside some time that you want to
talk with your partner.
Don't just out the blue,especially if it's something
(14:26):
important Some of you guys beendealing with, especially
something that's going to behard or uncomfortable, because
some conversations are justuncomfortable.
Finances is a conversation thatcan be uncomfortable for my
husband and I, like this is notjust something.
We've both worked an eight hour, nine, ten hour work day, been
(14:48):
dealing with the kids cominghome, we've done extracurricular
activities.
We've come home from a long day, we're both tired, we're ready
for bed and we just finna comehome, get ready for bed and
start talking about finances.
No, we're setting ourselves upfor disaster.
(15:08):
It's just not going to work out.
It's going to end in anargument.
It's just we're settingourselves up for failure.
Be strategic with making time.
Be intentional about settingtime and not just you setting
the time.
Whichever partner wants to havethe conversation, let your
(15:30):
partner or your spouse know Ifmy husband and I need to talk
about finances.
And, let's say, wednesdays areusually a more laid back day for
us because we don't have any,usually we don't have any
extracurricular activities onWednesdays.
It's a more chill day for us.
Wednesday would be a good dayfor us so I could reach out to
(15:53):
him days in advance and say,wednesday, can you set aside
some time to talk so we can talkabout our finances seven
o'clock Wednesday night?
I've gave him days notice tolet him know Wednesday at seven
o'clock we need to talk aboutour finances.
So this has gave us ample, thishas given us both ample enough
(16:17):
time to kind of wrap our mindsaround.
This is already.
We both know this is going tobe one of those conversations.
We it's not fun, it's not a funconversation, but we have
enough time to get our mindsaround.
Okay, we're going to be talkingabout finances, so we can
already kind of have some thingsor topics or points that we
(16:41):
whatever.
Because I like to talk aboutvacations, I like to talk about
trips, those are importantthings for me.
Like I want to talk about thosethings.
I want to talk.
I like talking about budgeting,like it's, those are the
important and I'm just usingthis as an example, budgeting.
Those things are important tome.
My husband has specific thingsthat may be important to him, so
(17:05):
that gives us time like theseare things that he wants to talk
about.
These are things that I want totalk about.
It's not a spur of the momentthing, it's not something that
was thrown on one person,because with some conversations
that you want to talk about, itmay be important to one person
but it may not be important tothe other person.
Or it may be uncomfortable forone person but it's not
(17:28):
uncomfortable to the otherperson.
So one person may not want tohave a conversation but the
other person does.
That's not fair to the personthat doesn't want to have the
conversation but the otherperson does.
That's not fair to the personthat doesn't want to have the
conversation, or it's not fairto the person that is
uncomfortable for.
So, with you guys setting thetime in advance, that makes it
fair across the board, becauseeven a person that is
uncomfortable for, or the personthat doesn't want to have the
(17:50):
conversation, they've had enoughtime to plan, to get their mind
right, to pray about it, ifthey need to pray about it, to
write some notes.
If they need to write notes.
Whatever the person or bothpeople need to do is giving them
enough time to do it.
So make some time, set asidesome time, be intentional about
(18:11):
that part In your conversation.
Next, in your conversationconversation you can use, or you
should let me be clear on thatyou should use I statements.
This is something that Ilearned in therapy, um, a few
years ago with our coupletherapists um, whenever you're
(18:33):
expressing something, especiallyregarding your feelings, you
should always say I, I feel, I,you personally putting it on you
because this is how you feel,this is how you see it, this is
your interpretation.
Don't put it on the otherperson.
(18:55):
See it, this is yourinterpretation.
Don't put it on the otherperson.
Don't come in, because it comesoff like you're attacking them
or you're putting the blame onthem, and what you're saying may
not even be factual.
It's just your perspective oryour opinion or your feelings
towards something.
So use I statements inregarding to that.
(19:16):
Be clear and whatever it isthat you want to talk about Next
, listen, be open to listening,and this is kind of what I
talked about when we opened up.
Can your partner talk to you?
This is going to be a vitalpiece of your partner being
(19:38):
comfortable talking to you.
Because if your partner orspouse comes to talk to you and
they feel like you don't listento them, you invalidate them.
You dismiss them.
You're defensive.
Every time they say something,it's just like what they say
doesn't matter.
You cut them off.
You tell them they shouldn'tfeel that way.
(20:00):
That's a dismiss.
You're dismissing them Likewhat they say it doesn't matter,
it's not true.
You shouldn't feel that way.
You have to be open tolistening, even if you don't
agree.
Listen, just stop talking andlisten.
(20:23):
Sometimes, when we're talking toother people, even if we're
quiet, we're not activelylistening.
We're hearing them, but we'rejust waiting to respond.
We're putting our next thoughtstogether.
I'm listening enough to respondto exactly what you're saying,
but I'm not listening tocomprehend and empathize or
(20:48):
value or get a clearunderstanding of what it is
you're saying.
I'm just listening enough torespond to what you're saying.
So be open to listening.
Next compromise this goes backto when you're listening.
You may not always agree.
(21:08):
That's just the realistic part.
You and your partner and spousemay not always agree.
That's just the realistic part.
You and your partner and spousemay not always agree.
You're not the same, you just.
You may not always see thingsthe same way, but be willing to
compromise For the benefit ofthe relationship or the marriage
.
Do what's best for therelationship.
(21:29):
It's not about winning orlosing, but what's going to be
for the best benefit to thisrelationship.
How can a relationship win?
Not I'm winning, not youwinning.
How can this relationship win?
At the end of the day, what'sgoing to be best for my
(21:49):
relationship or my marriage?
How can we compromise?
How can I get what I want andyou get what you want?
What's going to be best for us?
Because it's not fair for onepartner to get what they want
and the other partner suffers,and vice versa.
(22:11):
But how can we both besatisfied?
And if it's a way for that tohappen, compromise and make that
happen.
But what's best at the end ofthe day?
What's best for therelationship or marriage?
And do that?
Meet in the middle.
But it's not fair for oneperson to get what they want and
(22:33):
the other person suffers.
That's not right.
And lastly, I told you guysthis in the beginning Don't
expect one conversation to fixeverything.
It's just not going to happen.
Sometimes you may have to havethis conversation over and over
and over again.
Conversations to fix everything.
It's just not going to happen.
Sometimes you may have to havethis conversation over and over
(22:56):
and over again.
Sometimes can one conversationfix everything or solve
everything?
Yes, it surely can.
It can, but will that happenall the time?
Only in a perfect world, and wedon't live in one.
So don't expect oneconversation to solve everything
, because it won't, and I knowsometimes people won't like that
(23:17):
.
But that takes, you know.
It takes trust, it takesfollow-through, you know,
because sometimes for so longyou were doing something else
and now you're trying to dosomething different and a person
has to.
You have to build that trust up, you know, because at one point
(23:39):
your partner or spouse couldn'ttalk to you.
They didn't feel safe with you,they couldn't trust you.
You were dismissive, you weredefensive, you had your guard up
, you were mean, whatever,whatever that looked like, for
whatever reason, they didn'tfeel safe with you.
(23:59):
They couldn't talk to you, theycouldn't open up with you.
And now you're doing the thingsto where they can.
But one time won't fix all ofthat, or if there's any other
issue, because that's just onething.
But whatever the issue is, oneconversation won't solve
everything.
(24:20):
So if they're trying to talk toyou and bring up an issue,
because they could be literallybringing up any issue.
It could be an issue aboutfinances, it could be a
relationship about family, itcould be an issue about a job,
it could be an issue about thekids, it could be an issue about
your mental health.
(24:40):
It could literally be an issueabout anything.
But one conversation won'tsolve everything all the time.
Sometimes you guys may have tohave this same conversation
multiple times, but I just wantyou to know that that's okay,
that that's okay.
I just want you to know thatthat's okay.
(25:01):
So, again, I hope you've hadsome time to really think about
it.
Are you able to talk to yourpartner or your spouse?
Is your partner or spouse ableto talk to you?
And if not, why not?
Ask them, ask yourself Ifthey're not able to talk to you,
(25:22):
why not?
And if you're not able to talkto them, tell them, let them
know, share this episode withthem.
It could be a greatconversation starter for you
guys to finally get to the placewhere you guys both can really
open up and share with oneanother, because to not be able
(25:46):
to talk to your partner, yourspouse, one of the both of you
guys are holding a lot of thingsin because to not be able to
talk to your partner, yourspouse, one of the both of you
guys are holding a lot of thingsin because it's hard to be in a
relationship with somebody andnot be able to talk to them,
because every time somethinghappens in a relationship
outside of the relationship,things are just happening in
(26:08):
life.
This is the person that youshould want to in life.
This is the person that youshould want to go to.
This is the person that youshould want to share with, and
you can't not really, but youwant to.
When things come up in arelationship or marriage, things
that you want to be better,hurts that you feel, pain that
(26:29):
you experience.
You want to be able to tellthem about it.
You want things to be better,but you can't.
You're afraid to.
You're afraid of how they react.
You're afraid of how theyrespond.
Are they going to get defensive?
Are they going to go?
Oh, what are they going to dothis time?
And that's a terrible way tohave to maneuver in a
(26:54):
relationship or marriage.
It just is.
It's just, this is not what youwant.
So let's begin to tear thesewalls down.
And you can't.
Both people in a relationshipare willing to do the work.
Keep doing the work, keep doingthe work, keep doing the work.
(27:15):
I hope you guys have enjoyedtoday's episode.
Remember I love you, but Godloves you so much more and I'll
see you guys next week.
Bye, bye, I hope you guys haveenjoyed.
Follow me on Facebook at Demowith Mo.
(27:37):
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
my podcast, email them to me atdemowithmo at gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
what's up, guys?
Welcome to demo with mo.
I'm your host, monique simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
(00:26):
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be
discussing can your partner talkto you?
On today's episode, I have beenreflecting and thinking about
this, on being able to talk withyour partner or your spouse.
(00:48):
Is this something you're ableto do?
I want you to also begin tothink about that in your
personal relationship, whetheryou're in a committed
relationship or if you'remarried, is your partner or your
spouse able to come and talk toyou if there are problems going
on in a relationship?
Is there if there's conflict,if there's something on their
(01:10):
mind, if there's something theyjust want to vent to you about
or discuss with you, orsomething they just want to
maybe divulge to you, or justanything, maybe something that
doesn't even have to deal withyou, but they just you're the
person that they trust.
You're the person that theylove, you're their person and
you are the person that theywant to talk with.
(01:32):
Whatever it is that's going onin their head you're the person
that they want to talk to itabout.
Are they able to talk to you,especially if it's something
that concerns you guys in arelationship or the marriage?
Are they able to come to you?
Are they able to come to younot just talk to you per se,
(01:54):
meaning they can come to you andshare it with you but are they
able to come to you in a waywhere they feel safe, they'll
feel heard, they'll feelvalidated, they'll feel seen.
You won't dismiss them, youwon't get defensive, you won't
(02:16):
feel like it's an attack againstyou.
If they bring something up,maybe an issue in a relationship
, something that they feel theycan be done differently in a
relationship, maybe somethingthat can be worked on between
the two of you, maybe somethingthat they've noticed that they
(02:38):
want to talk about and work outor work through together.
Whatever it is, are they ableto come talk to you?
Can your partner or spouse cometalk to you and vice versa?
Are you able to talk to yourpartner or spouse come talk to
you and vice versa?
Are you able to talk to yourpartner or your spouse or do
they dismiss you or do theyinvalidate you, your feelings?
Do they not hear you, do theyget defensive?
Do they call you critical?
(02:59):
Do you feel like you're neverdoing enough?
You can never get it right?
And this is from either side.
This is not one way.
And this can be man or woman.
This is not a one way, one sex,one person in a relationship.
This is vice versa.
(03:19):
I really want you to take amoment before we dive into this
conversation and I know I'mdoing this a little different
than I usually do but I reallywant you to sit with this for a
minute to really reflect onyourself personally, because
it's easy to point the finger,it's easy to see what your
(03:42):
partner or your spouse does ordoesn't do, but I really want
you to sit with it for a minuteand to think about them, but
also think about yourself,because I'm sure when I ask the
first question, can you talk toyour partner or your spouse?
I'm sure you could quickly comeup with an answer, especially
(04:03):
if that answer is no.
I'm sure you could quickly comeup with an answer, especially
if the answer is no.
I'm sure you came up with thatfast.
But I also want you to reflectfor a minute.
Take a moment to look in themirror.
Take a moment to do a littlereflection and not even answer
from your own perspective.
But if I was sitting downhaving a conversation with your
(04:23):
partner or your spouse, whatwould they say to me if they
were being truly honest?
And maybe you don't know,because I'm going to tell you
something If your partner oryour spouse doesn't feel like
they can talk to you, youprobably won't even know the
(04:46):
answer to this question, becausethey probably haven't been
honest with you, because theycan't talk to you.
They don't even feel comfortablesaying that to you If we're
being honest.
So I really want you to take amoment and really think about it
(05:08):
.
Am I able to talk to my partner?
I'm talking about really talkto them.
I'm not talking about that onthe surface stuff where we are
handling business.
We're talking about the kids Ifwe got to do pickup and drop
offs and taking care of thebills and you know just enough
conversation where we can stillbe in relationship with one
(05:30):
another.
But I'm talking about true,intimate conversation that
builds intimacy in ourrelationship and in our
marriages, where we really getto know one another and we can
build that connection and growin our relationships, where we
can really even thoseuncomfortable things, those
(05:52):
things that may hurt ourfeelings, because that's a lot
of times why we can't talk toone another, because one of or
both people in a relationshipmay not want to get
uncomfortable.
You usually get defensive ordismiss the partner because you
don't want to deal with thatuncomfortability.
You don't want somebody to sayyou're doing something wrong but
(06:15):
you don't want to feel likeyou're being attacked or you
can't get anything right.
And that may not your partnermore likely, if they love you
and it's coming from a genuineplace of bringing up things that
concern them, or they want togrow or they want to be better,
it's not coming from a place ofcoming from that place of
(06:40):
wanting to attack you or becritical or hurt you or demean
you or from that type ofnegative place, but from a place
of there may be an issue hereor something that I see here or
something that I don't want toavoid that could hurt us down
the road.
But I want us to be in a greatplace.
(07:02):
I want to build us up.
I want us to be the best we canbe.
I want to create more intimacyhere.
I want to know you better.
I want to love you better.
I want to know you, I want tobe known by you.
I want to be safe with you.
I want to feel safe with you.
But if we only see our partneror our spouses from a place of
(07:25):
they're attacking us, we cannever do anything right.
I got to have my wall and myguard up.
They'll never feel comfortabletalking to us.
We'll never be able to buildthat intimacy with one another.
They'll feel dismissed by us.
Their feelings will never bevalidated in a relationship or
(07:47):
marriage will never be what wewant it to be.
And I know that's not whateither person in a relationship
truly desires, because bothpeople in a relationship want to
be seen, they want to be known,they want to be loved, they
want to be respected, they wantto be heard.
Man or woman, that's what weall want.
(08:08):
So I hope you've had a minuteto really reflect on that, to
see where are you in yourrelationship.
And if you don't know whereyour partner or your spouse is,
I encourage you, I really hope,by the end of this episode, if
you don't know, that you wouldtake the chance and this is
(08:29):
vulnerability that you wouldtake the chance to open up and
ask them are you able to talk tome, like really talk to me
beyond the surface level stuff,like, do you feel comfortable
talking to me?
And if yes, that's beautiful.
And if no, what can I do tocreate that atmosphere?
(08:54):
What can I do differently?
What have I been doing in thepast and presently to make you
feel like you can't talk to me?
Have I been defensive?
Have I been dismissive?
(09:15):
Have I not validated yourfeelings?
Have I been dismissive?
Have I not validated yourfeelings?
Have I cut you off?
Have I been harsh?
Have I treated you unfairly?
Was I angry?
Was I mean?
Was I bitter?
Was I short?
What did I do to make you feellike you weren't safe with me?
(09:36):
You couldn't talk to me, Iwould not hear you, I wouldn't
listen to you.
What did I do and what could Ido differently going forward,
because I want you to know thatyou are safe with me.
I love you and I care about you, and the things that concern
you concern me as well.
Because I love you, you're mypartner.
(09:57):
You're my partner, you're myperson.
You're the person that I'vechose to do life with.
You are the person that I'vecommitted myself to and I'm
sorry that my actions have notreflected that and it's more to
me than just words.
But I want my actions, I wantmy life to reflect that in the
way that I treat you, in the waythat I talk to you, in my tone,
(10:20):
in my demeanor.
What can I do going forward?
And I know there'svulnerability, I know there's
transparency.
I know that may sound scary andit may not be easy to do, but
this is what your partner oryour spouse needs from you to
feel safe and this is not gonnabe a one-off thing.
(10:43):
They may not even feel safetalking to you or be able to
talk to you beyond surface levelthings off, this one-time
effort, this one-timeconversation, but it's a start.
It's the beginning to a newbeginning in your relationship
or your marriage.
But you have to start somewhere.
(11:03):
But as long as you continuedown the same road that you've
been going and I don't know whatthat looks like in your
relationship but it startedsomewhere to get you to a place.
But it started somewhere to getyou to a place If your partner
is not comfortable talking toyou or they don't feel safe with
you to share, to sharethemselves, to share their
(11:24):
hearts, to really open up withyou.
It's something that got themhere.
They did not just get there.
There are some things that havetranspired and happened in the
relationship that has got themhere.
So there are going to have tobe some things to happen and
transpire to get them to feelsafe.
It won't be a one-time thing,so you're going to have to be
(11:46):
patient and you're going to haveto trust the process, but they
will eventually begin to feelsafe with you.
But you're going to have to dothe work.
So let's do the work.
Let's do the work.
I started this podcast because Ihave a heart and a passion for
relationships and marriages andfamilies, because I want to see
(12:10):
people thriving.
I want to see families in ahealthy place.
I want to see relationships andmarriages in a beautiful place,
the way God desires for them tobe.
And this is not because I havea perfect relationship and a
perfect marriage and in a in aperfect family, because I don't.
(12:31):
I don't.
I struggle and I'm trying togrow and I'm trying to learn and
I'm trying to get there, justlike everyone else who is
striving and doing the work.
But that's the thing.
I'm striving and I'm doing thework, and that was the whole
point of me starting thispodcast.
That was the whole point.
(12:52):
So you can be encouraged andknow there are people just like
you who are striving and tryingto do the work too.
You are not alone in the thingsthat you struggle with, in the
things that you face in yourday-to-day, especially as
Christians and believers,because the enemy hates marriage
.
He hates marriage, especiallyChristian marriages.
(13:18):
He hates it.
So we're always under attack.
So it seems like it's always astruggle and it's always
spiritual warfare.
But I just want you to know youare not alone.
So some tips for talking withyour partner.
So, before talking, before youeven want to start having a
conversation with your partner,take a minute to reflect.
(13:40):
Take some time out to thinkabout what exactly it is you
want to talk about with yourpartner.
Try identifying, like, what isit?
What's the issue?
What is it that I want to bringup with my partner?
Try to get your thoughtstogether.
What exactly it is that I needto talk with my partner.
Try to get your thoughtstogether.
What exactly it is that I needto talk with my partner or my
spouse about.
Like don't just go in and kindof be all over the place, like
(14:03):
if it's a specific issue thatyou guys are dealing with or
something that you want to bringup to your partner.
Kind of have in mind exactlywhat it is that you want to talk
about with your partner.
Next, make some time or setaside some time that you want to
talk with your partner.
Don't just out the blue,especially if it's something
(14:26):
important Some of you guys beendealing with, especially
something that's going to behard or uncomfortable, because
some conversations are justuncomfortable.
Finances is a conversation thatcan be uncomfortable for my
husband and I, like this is notjust something.
We've both worked an eight hour, nine, ten hour work day, been
(14:48):
dealing with the kids cominghome, we've done extracurricular
activities.
We've come home from a long day, we're both tired, we're ready
for bed and we just finna comehome, get ready for bed and
start talking about finances.
No, we're setting ourselves upfor disaster.
(15:08):
It's just not going to work out.
It's going to end in anargument.
It's just we're settingourselves up for failure.
Be strategic with making time.
Be intentional about settingtime and not just you setting
the time.
Whichever partner wants to havethe conversation, let your
(15:30):
partner or your spouse know Ifmy husband and I need to talk
about finances.
And, let's say, wednesdays areusually a more laid back day for
us because we don't have any,usually we don't have any
extracurricular activities onWednesdays.
It's a more chill day for us.
Wednesday would be a good dayfor us so I could reach out to
(15:53):
him days in advance and say,wednesday, can you set aside
some time to talk so we can talkabout our finances seven
o'clock Wednesday night?
I've gave him days notice tolet him know Wednesday at seven
o'clock we need to talk aboutour finances.
So this has gave us ample, thishas given us both ample enough
(16:17):
time to kind of wrap our mindsaround.
This is already.
We both know this is going tobe one of those conversations.
We it's not fun, it's not a funconversation, but we have
enough time to get our mindsaround.
Okay, we're going to be talkingabout finances, so we can
already kind of have some thingsor topics or points that we
(16:41):
whatever.
Because I like to talk aboutvacations, I like to talk about
trips, those are importantthings for me.
Like I want to talk about thosethings.
I want to talk.
I like talking about budgeting,like it's, those are the
important and I'm just usingthis as an example, budgeting.
Those things are important tome.
My husband has specific thingsthat may be important to him, so
(17:05):
that gives us time like theseare things that he wants to talk
about.
These are things that I want totalk about.
It's not a spur of the momentthing, it's not something that
was thrown on one person,because with some conversations
that you want to talk about, itmay be important to one person
but it may not be important tothe other person.
Or it may be uncomfortable forone person but it's not
(17:28):
uncomfortable to the otherperson.
So one person may not want tohave a conversation but the
other person does.
That's not fair to the personthat doesn't want to have the
conversation but the otherperson does.
That's not fair to the personthat doesn't want to have the
conversation, or it's not fairto the person that is
uncomfortable for.
So, with you guys setting thetime in advance, that makes it
fair across the board, becauseeven a person that is
uncomfortable for, or the personthat doesn't want to have the
(17:50):
conversation, they've had enoughtime to plan, to get their mind
right, to pray about it, ifthey need to pray about it, to
write some notes.
If they need to write notes.
Whatever the person or bothpeople need to do is giving them
enough time to do it.
So make some time, set asidesome time, be intentional about
(18:11):
that part In your conversation.
Next, in your conversationconversation you can use, or you
should let me be clear on thatyou should use I statements.
This is something that Ilearned in therapy, um, a few
years ago with our coupletherapists um, whenever you're
(18:33):
expressing something, especiallyregarding your feelings, you
should always say I, I feel, I,you personally putting it on you
because this is how you feel,this is how you see it, this is
your interpretation.
Don't put it on the otherperson.
(18:55):
See it, this is yourinterpretation.
Don't put it on the otherperson.
Don't come in, because it comesoff like you're attacking them
or you're putting the blame onthem, and what you're saying may
not even be factual.
It's just your perspective oryour opinion or your feelings
towards something.
So use I statements inregarding to that.
(19:16):
Be clear and whatever it isthat you want to talk about Next
, listen, be open to listening,and this is kind of what I
talked about when we opened up.
Can your partner talk to you?
This is going to be a vitalpiece of your partner being
(19:38):
comfortable talking to you.
Because if your partner orspouse comes to talk to you and
they feel like you don't listento them, you invalidate them.
You dismiss them.
You're defensive.
Every time they say something,it's just like what they say
doesn't matter.
You cut them off.
You tell them they shouldn'tfeel that way.
(20:00):
That's a dismiss.
You're dismissing them Likewhat they say it doesn't matter,
it's not true.
You shouldn't feel that way.
You have to be open tolistening, even if you don't
agree.
Listen, just stop talking andlisten.
(20:23):
Sometimes, when we're talking toother people, even if we're
quiet, we're not activelylistening.
We're hearing them, but we'rejust waiting to respond.
We're putting our next thoughtstogether.
I'm listening enough to respondto exactly what you're saying,
but I'm not listening tocomprehend and empathize or
(20:48):
value or get a clearunderstanding of what it is
you're saying.
I'm just listening enough torespond to what you're saying.
So be open to listening.
Next compromise this goes backto when you're listening.
You may not always agree.
(21:08):
That's just the realistic part.
You and your partner and spousemay not always agree.
That's just the realistic part.
You and your partner and spousemay not always agree.
You're not the same, you just.
You may not always see thingsthe same way, but be willing to
compromise For the benefit ofthe relationship or the marriage
.
Do what's best for therelationship.
(21:29):
It's not about winning orlosing, but what's going to be
for the best benefit to thisrelationship.
How can a relationship win?
Not I'm winning, not youwinning.
How can this relationship win?
At the end of the day, what'sgoing to be best for my
(21:49):
relationship or my marriage?
How can we compromise?
How can I get what I want andyou get what you want?
What's going to be best for us?
Because it's not fair for onepartner to get what they want
and the other partner suffers,and vice versa.
(22:11):
But how can we both besatisfied?
And if it's a way for that tohappen, compromise and make that
happen.
But what's best at the end ofthe day?
What's best for therelationship or marriage?
And do that?
Meet in the middle.
But it's not fair for oneperson to get what they want and
(22:33):
the other person suffers.
That's not right.
And lastly, I told you guysthis in the beginning Don't
expect one conversation to fixeverything.
It's just not going to happen.
Sometimes you may have to havethis conversation over and over
and over again.
Conversations to fix everything.
It's just not going to happen.
Sometimes you may have to havethis conversation over and over
(22:56):
and over again.
Sometimes can one conversationfix everything or solve
everything?
Yes, it surely can.
It can, but will that happenall the time?
Only in a perfect world, and wedon't live in one.
So don't expect oneconversation to solve everything
, because it won't, and I knowsometimes people won't like that
(23:17):
.
But that takes, you know.
It takes trust, it takesfollow-through, you know,
because sometimes for so longyou were doing something else
and now you're trying to dosomething different and a person
has to.
You have to build that trust up, you know, because at one point
(23:39):
your partner or spouse couldn'ttalk to you.
They didn't feel safe with you,they couldn't trust you.
You were dismissive, you weredefensive, you had your guard up
, you were mean, whatever,whatever that looked like, for
whatever reason, they didn'tfeel safe with you.
(23:59):
They couldn't talk to you, theycouldn't open up with you.
And now you're doing the thingsto where they can.
But one time won't fix all ofthat, or if there's any other
issue, because that's just onething.
But whatever the issue is, oneconversation won't solve
everything.
(24:20):
So if they're trying to talk toyou and bring up an issue,
because they could be literallybringing up any issue.
It could be an issue aboutfinances, it could be a
relationship about family, itcould be an issue about a job,
it could be an issue about thekids, it could be an issue about
your mental health.
(24:40):
It could literally be an issueabout anything.
But one conversation won'tsolve everything all the time.
Sometimes you guys may have tohave this same conversation
multiple times, but I just wantyou to know that that's okay,
that that's okay.
I just want you to know thatthat's okay.
(25:01):
So, again, I hope you've hadsome time to really think about
it.
Are you able to talk to yourpartner or your spouse?
Is your partner or spouse ableto talk to you?
And if not, why not?
Ask them, ask yourself Ifthey're not able to talk to you,
(25:22):
why not?
And if you're not able to talkto them, tell them, let them
know, share this episode withthem.
It could be a greatconversation starter for you
guys to finally get to the placewhere you guys both can really
open up and share with oneanother, because to not be able
(25:46):
to talk to your partner, yourspouse, one of the both of you
guys are holding a lot of thingsin because to not be able to
talk to your partner, yourspouse, one of the both of you
guys are holding a lot of thingsin because it's hard to be in a
relationship with somebody andnot be able to talk to them,
because every time somethinghappens in a relationship
outside of the relationship,things are just happening in
(26:08):
life.
This is the person that youshould want to in life.
This is the person that youshould want to go to.
This is the person that youshould want to share with, and
you can't not really, but youwant to.
When things come up in arelationship or marriage, things
that you want to be better,hurts that you feel, pain that
(26:29):
you experience.
You want to be able to tellthem about it.
You want things to be better,but you can't.
You're afraid to.
You're afraid of how they react.
You're afraid of how theyrespond.
Are they going to get defensive?
Are they going to go?
Oh, what are they going to dothis time?
And that's a terrible way tohave to maneuver in a
(26:54):
relationship or marriage.
It just is.
It's just, this is not what youwant.
So let's begin to tear thesewalls down.
And you can't.
Both people in a relationshipare willing to do the work.
Keep doing the work, keep doingthe work, keep doing the work.
(27:15):
I hope you guys have enjoyedtoday's episode.
Remember I love you, but Godloves you so much more and I'll
see you guys next week.
Bye, bye, I hope you guys haveenjoyed.
Follow me on Facebook at Demowith Mo.
(27:37):
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
my podcast, email them to me atdemowithmo at gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
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