March 13, 2025 • 28 mins
Feeling drained in your relationship? You're not alone. This episode explores the often-overlooked phenomenon of relationship burnout among Christian couples and offers practical wisdom for reconnection.
After sharing a vulnerable update about her own journey of self-discovery, Monique dives into what relationship burnout actually looks like. Beyond just feeling tired, burnout manifests as emotional exhaustion and negativity that can slowly erode even the strongest partnerships. Through clear explanations of symptoms like frequent arguments, lack of motivation for couple activities, and growing emotional distance, listeners gain tools to recognize warning signs in their own relationships.
The episode unpacks five core causes of relationship burnout: unresolved conflict, poor communication, mismatched expectations, external stressors, and perhaps most critically, lack of self-care. With characteristic authenticity, Monique emphasizes that maintaining personal boundaries and prioritizing self-care isn't selfish—it's essential for showing up as your best self in relationships. "Nobody benefits from you being the worst version of yourself," she reminds listeners, challenging the common narrative that caring for oneself comes at the expense of caring for others.
What sets this conversation apart is the balance of compassionate understanding with actionable strategies. From establishing healthy communication patterns to seeking couples therapy and intentionally rekindling intimacy through quality time, each recommendation feels accessible. Monique's personal testimony about the benefits of therapy in her own marriage adds credibility to her guidance.
Ready to revitalize your relationship? Join our community on social media and share which self-care practice you and your partner commit to implementing this month!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
what's up, guys?
Welcome to demo with mo.
I'm your host, monique simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:29):
I am your host, monique Simmons.
On today's episode, we will bediscussing burnout in
relationships.
If you are listening to thislive, we have not had an episode
, a new episode, in about threeweeks, and I'm starting off the
(00:49):
episode this week before I jumpright into the content of
today's episode.
I'm starting out today'sepisode this way because I want
to be completely transparent andhonest with you guys.
Since I've started Demo with Mo, unless we're on a season break
, I try my best to be consistentwith the episodes.
(01:11):
I release a new episode weeklyevery Thursday, unless I'm on a
season break.
I have consistently done thatsince I've been out with this
podcast, unless, for some reason, there were some things going
on out of my control.
This time there was no seasonbreak.
(01:32):
I just personally decided totake a moment for myself.
That's me being transparent andme actually being vulnerable
with you guys, and I'm sayingthis because that has been the
foundation and something thatI've built this podcast off of.
(01:54):
I've never wanted to presentmyself in any other way.
I pride myself in being thatway.
If I'm being completely honest,I always try to portray myself
to be who I actually am.
Behind this mic, behind closeddoors, when no one's around,
(02:15):
when there's an audience, Ipride myself in actually being
who I say I am.
I always try to encourage youguys, my listeners, those of you
who've been rocking with mefrom the very beginning, and
even those of you this may beyour first experience of me I've
always tried to encourage feelwhat you're feeling, listen to
(02:40):
your body, practice self-care,to your body, practice self-care
.
And as I'm sharing these things, as I'm personally living them
and learning them myself, andyou guys who've been with me for
a while, you know that I'm inindividual therapy, I'm in
couples therapy, so I'm notsaying things to you from a
person who's not actually tryingto live them and grow and learn
(03:02):
myself.
I'm not doing it and I don'tever try to share an experience
from that way.
I mean, I know there are peopleout there who do that and give
information that way becausethey've studied, they went to
school, they have the degrees,they have the.
You know, they have that wealthof knowledge.
(03:23):
That's not the perspective thatI share from.
I share is I'm learning andexperiencing and growing and
living it myself.
I'm not going to share anythingthat I'm actually not trying to
live out myself.
And the reason that I'm sayingthis is because, as you guys
(03:44):
know those of you who've beenwith me for a while and for
those of you who don't know, Iencourage you to go back and
listen to some podcast episodesand kind of gain some insight
and context of what I'm sharing.
Last year, in 2024, I shared anepisode.
It was August 8th of 2024 whenthis episode was released.
(04:08):
It was called Uncovering TruthsA Journey of Paternity and
Healing, and it was a seasonfinale of where I was
interviewed by a friend and wewere talking about me finding
out my dad who raised me,finding out he was not my
biological father, finding outthat year.
(04:31):
We knew it was a chance and Iwon't get into all of that.
We knew I found out at 19,.
He and I found out when I was19 from my mom that he may not
be my biological father, from mymom that he may not be my
biological father.
But after years of that beingup in the air.
I decided myself to go down theroad of finding out and last
(04:52):
year 2024, I finally asked himto do the DNA test and we did
and we found out that he was notmy biological father.
So the end of last year Idecided for my birthday that I
was going to do Ancestry DNA andto go down the road of
confirming the man that my momsaid was my biological father.
(05:16):
Well, since November of lastyear, which is my birthday, up
until now I have been goingthrough that journey of finding
out that information and I won'tget into all of that right now.
I have been going through thatjourney of finding out that
information and I won't get intoall of that right now because I
am not ready to share and talkabout any of that.
But I will say just some things.
As I'm going along this journey, it's a lot of things that I'm
(05:40):
processing, a lot of emotionsthat I'm processing, a lot of
things that I'm allowing my bodyto feel, and I took a moment,
the past three weeks, ofallowing myself to really feel
those things and work throughthose things.
And, if I'm being honest, Istill am, you know, talking
through things with my therapistpraying about a lot of things
(06:03):
seeking out and reaching out tocertain people about this
information and all of thosethings.
It's a lot that goes into thisjourney If anybody has ever
experienced this or know someonewho has experienced this.
It's not easy and and it can bea lot.
(06:23):
So I just took a moment, amoment to just like actually
live it and be in it andexperience it.
Because one of the thingsbefore I started individual
therapy a couple of years agoand I see an EFT therapist,
which is an emotionally focusedtherapist who teaches you how to
(06:45):
actually feel what you'refeeling and actually what's
going on with your body and tonotice and pay attention, and
that's something that I didn'tknow how to do before going into
therapy.
I could talk about what wasgoing on in my life, but to
actually take a moment toexperience it and to feel it and
(07:10):
not rush past it and move on tothe next thing and cover it up
by putting a lot of things on myplate and just being
overwhelmed and just to notactually feel my emotions, that
was something new to me.
So, because I'm actually livingit out and doing the work, I
(07:34):
actually took that moment formyself to feel what was going on
in my life and to take the timeI needed for myself.
So I took a long time to explainto you exactly what has been
going on for the last threeweeks, cause I know if you're,
especially if you are a faithfullistener, if you're anything
(07:55):
like I am I am an avid podcastlistener.
I listen to podcasts more thanI listen to music.
So when my people that I rockwith like that, when it's not a
new episode, I'm looking, I'mlike where are you?
Or like where's someinformation and update, like
something going on?
I know it's not a season breakright now Like what happened.
(08:18):
Like I'm looking on theirsocial media platforms like
what's going on?
Like where's the new episode?
So, for those of you who may bewondering, that's what's been
going on.
So you know, demo with Mo isstill here.
We're still rocking.
But I just wanted to give you anupdate.
I didn't want to just come inand I just like I deal with
(08:39):
relationships in my real life,in my own personal life.
I don't want to just come inand act like I haven't been
missing for three weeks, movingon as if nothing happened, like
I haven't been missing in action, and just go on to the next
thing, like girl, where you beenat.
So I wanted to address that andlet you guys know, like I
(09:02):
haven't been here in three weeksand this is why I haven't been
here in three weeks, but not tojust move on as if it was
nothing For some of you.
You know you may have otherpodcasts that you listen to, you
may be new here, you may justhappen to come across this
podcast today and you may didn'tneed any of that information.
(09:22):
I just shared with you andyou're like girl, what you
talking about, but some of youwho's been here for a while and
wondering where a new episodewas, that information was useful
to you and you probablyappreciate it.
So, without further ado, let'sgo ahead and jump into today's
episode Burnout in relationships.
(09:47):
What is burnout?
Burnout is a state of emotionalexhaustion and negativity
within a romantic partnership,often caused by a combination of
factors like unresolvedconflicts, poor communication,
lack of intimacy, externalstressors and a feeling of
(10:11):
stagnation, leading to feelingsof resentment and a decreased
desire to spend time with yourpartner Essentially, feeling
drained and disengaged from therelationship.
Oh, that was a lot, but thatwas some good information.
I hope you pause, rewind, dowhat you need to do, but really
(10:34):
grasp what burnout means when itcomes to being in a
relationship and can you relate.
Have you ever experienced it?
Are you currently experiencedit?
Are you currently experiencingit?
Is your partner or your spousecurrently experiencing it?
Maybe this is something youguys need to talk about, a
question you need to ask oneanother Key points about
(10:57):
relationship burnout.
These are some symptoms.
So if you're experiencing anyof these things, this may be a
sign that you're experiencingburnout in your relationship
(11:28):
frequent arguments, lack ofmotivation to plan activities
together, difficulty expressingpositive feelings, irritability,
boredom and a sense of distance.
So listening to those.
Are you experiencing any ofthese symptoms?
Because you may hear the titleor the topic burnout in
(11:50):
relationships and you mayautomatically cancel yourself
out.
Oh no, me and my partner aren'texperiencing this.
I'm not experiencing this.
My partner isn't experiencingthis.
But I want you to listen tothose symptoms.
Are we having any of those?
Is my partner experiencing anyof those?
Do I see this in them?
(12:11):
Do I see this in myself?
Do I feel emotionally drainedafter spending time with them?
Are we having a lot morearguments than we used to?
Is there a lack of motivationto plan activities together?
When is the last time we had adate night?
Or when we do have a date night, is it forced?
Are we arguing about who's onscheduling?
(12:35):
Why are you on scheduling, whyI got to schedule it?
Do you have a difficult timeexpressing and positive feelings
affirming one another, or isalways criticizing, putting down
, pointing out the negativethings?
Do you have any of thesesymptoms?
Next, we're going to talk aboutthe causes.
(12:58):
One unresolved conflict, notaddressing issues openly and
effectively.
So that's kind of what Imentioned earlier when I even
opened up the episode like tocome here and act as if nothing
happened, like I hadn't beenmissing, and to move on just
with the episode and not sayanything.
(13:19):
That's kind of how that happens, when you know there's an issue
but you move on with life asusual.
Do y'all do that?
Because that's not okay.
That's unresolved conflict.
If we know there's been anissue between us, something
isn't right between us, we can'tmove on like nothing happened.
(13:39):
That's unresolved, and the morethat begins to happen, the more
that begins to pile up, themore we let things be unresolved
.
You're going to be looking atburnout.
Number two poor communication.
(14:00):
Lack of honest and opendialogue about needs and
concerns.
You need help around the house.
You want to talk about finances.
You feel like you guys aren'tgoing on dates often enough, you
having issues with your in-lawsor extended families.
(14:20):
You feel like somebody'sworking too much or not working
enough.
You want to have sex more oftenor sex less.
Like you have needs, desires,concerns, but you're not talking
about it.
The need is still there, thedesire is still there, but
(14:42):
you're not having open, honestdialogue about it and resentment
is going to build up.
Resentment for one another isgoing to build up.
Number three unequalexpectations.
When partners have vastlydifferent needs or expectations
(15:04):
from the relationship.
Maybe one of you expected billsto be split 50-50, but the
other thought one partner wasgoing to pay the bills 100%.
Or maybe somebody thought thekids would be raised one way and
the other partner thoughtsomething completely different.
(15:26):
Maybe one partner thoughtholidays would be spent with one
side of the family and theother partner thought we would
spend our holidays together as afamily and not with extended
family.
Like you, guys have vastlydifferent needs or expectations
from the relationship, butyou're not talking about it or
(15:48):
coming to a compromise or anagreement about it.
Number four external stressorsWork, stress, financial worries
or major life changes impactingthe relationships.
So sometimes the causes don'teven have to be from the
(16:08):
relationship, it doesn't evenhave to be you guys.
It can be things outside of thehome, outside of the
relationship, outside of themarriage that's impacting you
guys.
Like I said, stress from workMaybe you guys are overwhelmed.
You have a new promotion, maybeyou've lost some employees.
Maybe you're wanting to be upfor a promotion.
(16:29):
You're working multiple jobs.
You're worried about losingyour job.
Maybe you're taking care ofelderly parents, you're having
issues with ministry.
It can be so many thingsoutside of the home that can
affect what's going on in thehome.
Because you guys are inrelationship with one another,
(16:49):
you're married, it's easy,because you're experiencing
burnout and stress and overwhelmoutside the home, that the
burnout will then, in return,affect inside the home, inside
the relationship.
Number five, last one lack ofself-care.
This was one of my favoriteones because I promote self-care
(17:13):
so heavily, because I reallybelieve it's so.
I think people talk aboutself-care so much but people
truly are not practicingself-care.
This one says not taking timefor personal needs and
activities.
A lot of people experienceburnout because they are not
(17:35):
taking care of themselves.
What are your personal needs?
What activities or hobbies doyou have for yourself outside of
your home, outside of yourrelationship?
Like, how do you pour intoyourself?
And then, when you don't pourinto yourself, the main reasons
why you hear a lot of peoplesaying they don't is because I
(17:56):
got to take care of everybodyelse.
I don't have time.
You know it feels selfish, likeit's so many reasons regarding
to other people of why theydon't take care of themselves,
and what will end up happeningis the same people that they're
using as the excuse of nottaking care of themselves.
They will end up resenting thatthey don't take care of
(18:19):
themselves.
You have to make the time totake care of yourself.
The more you take care of you,the more you pour into your cup,
the better your relationshipswill be, the better your
marriages will be, because youwill show up as the best version
of yourself.
It's not selfish.
It's not selfish because to beselfish means the only person
(18:43):
benefiting is you.
The only person you care aboutis you.
Everybody benefits of you beingthe best version of yourself.
No one benefits of youdepleting yourself, you being
the worst version of yourself.
Nobody benefits off of that.
You should be encouraging yourpartner or your spouse.
(19:04):
Please take care of yourself,please do for yourself, please
find a hobby, please findsomething that you love and go
do it.
You should be encouraging that,supporting that, wanting that,
loving that, because they'regoing to be the best version of
themselves and you get thebenefit off of that.
(19:27):
All righty, now let's get intohow to address it.
So we talked about burnout,what burnout is.
We talked about the symptoms,what it looks like.
We talked about the causes ofwhy you experiencing burnout.
Well, how now do we address it?
What do we do?
Because it's not the end, allbe all.
Burnout is you're just tired,you're overwhelmed.
(19:49):
It's something you can do aboutthat, though.
Number one open communication.
Express your feelings honestlyand actively.
Listen to your partner.
So you remember earlier ittalked about one of the causes
(20:10):
is not communicating.
So the opposite of that wouldbe to communicate.
Express your feelings.
Not only express them, butexpress them honestly and
actively.
Sometimes one of our feelingsmay get hurt, but I need to be
honest honest in love Now, nothonest to purposely hurt anyone,
but I need to be honest withthe intention of I love my
(20:33):
partner, I love my spouse and Iwant the best for our
relationship.
So I'm I'm expressing myfeelings honestly and actively
and actively listen to yourpartner.
So not only are you expressingyour feelings honestly, but you
want to actively listen to yourpartner.
So it's not one-sided I'mexpressing to them and I want
(20:55):
them to be able to express to me, and also, when they're
expressing, I have to be able tolisten.
I can't get defensive.
I can't put a wall up I can'tshut down, because it's
something I don't like,something.
I can't put a wall up I can'tshut down because it's something
I don't like, something.
I don't want to hear, somethingthat tells me something about
myself that I may have to change.
I may have to check at the door.
I got to be willing to listen.
(21:16):
Number two set boundaries.
Establish healthy limits andpersonal space.
It is healthy to haveboundaries in your relationship.
I'm going to say it again it ishealthy to have boundaries in
(21:36):
your relationship.
And boundaries is not youtelling what somebody else can
or cannot do, because we cannotcontrol anyone but ourselves.
Boundaries are what you willparticipate in.
I won't sit around if you'regoing to disrespect me or talk
to me in that way.
You can't make a person stoptalking to you that way, but you
(22:00):
don't have to stay in the roomand hear it or listen to it or
participate.
You can leave.
If you will continue to talk tome like that, I'll leave.
I won't allow you to talk to melike that and I remain here and
participate in it.
Your boundaries is what youwill do.
That's what boundaries are,because you can't change anybody
(22:21):
or make them do or not dosomething.
What your boundaries is whatyou will do.
That's what boundaries are,because you can't change anybody
or make them do or not dosomething.
But your boundaries is for you.
Three seek personal help.
Couples therapy can bebeneficial to address underlying
issues and improvecommunication skills.
Couples therapy y'all alreadyknow how I feel about couples
(22:41):
therapy.
I encourage it, I advocate forit, I promote it, I believe in
it, especially when you find onethat both partners agree on,
one that both like.
I don't, if one partner that isnot comfortable is not open to
it.
If you find one and you guysare both not on board about this
(23:05):
therapist, it won't work.
But if you find one that youboth like, that you both enjoy,
that you both feel comfortablewith, therapy, is a great tool,
man.
It's one of the best thingsthat my husband and I did for
our marriage and I highlyencourage it that my husband and
I did for our marriage and Ihighly encourage you.
Sometimes you need third parties.
Sometimes you need that personthat's unbiased.
(23:25):
You need the tools, you needthe help.
You need that person that hasthe resources that can give you
those that can help you withthose underlying issues, those
things that you didn't even knowthat were there, like that.
You were blind to that you guyshave been dealing with and
didn't even realize you weredealing with they.
Just they have the tools thatcan help you with that and
(23:47):
sometimes you need that.
Number four practice self-care.
They're going to self-careagain.
Prioritize activities that youthat bring you joy and
relaxation.
I don't even have to dig intothat one more.
Y'all got it.
I think y'all got it with theself-care.
It's another one to hear it, tounderstand.
(24:08):
It's a totally different ballgame to practice it.
Now you got to put it into play.
What you going to do.
That's my challenge for you.
What's one self-care practiceyou can begin to do, even if
it's just once a month, you andyour partner or spouse?
I encourage you guys tochallenge one another.
What's one self-care practiceyou guys can begin to do at
(24:32):
least once a month?
I would love to know about it.
You guys can email me atdemowithmoe at gmailcom, can
email me at demo with mo atgmailcom.
Wherever you listening to this,it has send a text right above
in the show notes and you cansend me a text and let me know.
I would love to know if you'regoing to participate and you're
(24:52):
going to talk with your partner,your spouse.
If you're not currentlypracticing self-care, I would
love to know.
And if you are currentlypracticing self-care, let me
know.
And today, as I'm recordingthis episode, I usually record
these episodes on my self-careday.
Every Monday is my self-careday.
(25:13):
So this is a lifestyle for me.
I have told you guys I am notgoing to get on here saying
anything that I'm not activelytrying to live out myself.
So let me know, let me know.
And number five, last but notleast rekindle intimacy, make
time for quality momentstogether, focusing on physical
(25:34):
and emotional connection.
Oh, this one was beautiful.
Quality moments together,because, you know, we always
have those.
I don't want to say always, butwe have those moments where we,
you know, we may need to sitdown to discuss bills or talk
about the kids, or even at theend of the night where we may
say good night to one another,good morning to one another, or
(25:56):
whatever.
You have those moments whereyou are together.
But this says make time forquality moments, quality over
quantity Like that time whereyou're intentional about it,
like this is our time together.
This is you and me, this is ourmoment.
This is set aside time just forus and we're going to make the
(26:19):
best of it to focus on physicaland emotional connection.
So I love that it put thatemotional piece in, because
physical, you can interpret thatit is sex.
You know sex is a great thing,but sex ain't the only thing.
You need more than just sex tokeep a relationship going, to
not have burnout, because youcould be experiencing burnout
and still having sex, but itain't quality.
(26:41):
So I encourage you to focus onthat quality time, making sure
you have that time together tofocus on that physical and
emotional connection.
Check in how are you Like really?
How are you doing?
What's going on in your life?
How can I support you?
How can I love you?
How can I show up for you?
Better, like on a scale of oneto 10 this week.
(27:03):
How have I been as a spouse,how have I been as a partner,
showing up for you?
What can I do to make thatnumber better?
If it's a five, how can I getto eight, like what you know?
And if it's a 10, what?
What is it that I did for youthat made it feel like a 10?
So can keep doing it week afterweek, like that check in, like
(27:23):
talk to one another, like that,like yeah, yeah.
I hope you have enjoyed today'sepisode on burnout in
relationships.
If you're not already, followme on TikTok and Facebook at
Demo with Mo and follow ourpodcast group on Facebook at
Dayton Engaged and MarriedObjectives and on Instagram at
(27:46):
Demo with Mo Podcast.
I hope you guys have reallyenjoyed today's episode and
remember to share this withsomeone and I will see you guys
next week.
Remember I love you, but Godloves you so much more.
Talk to you next week.
Bye, I hope you guys haveenjoyed.
(28:12):
Follow me on Facebook at Demowith Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here, live
on my podcast, email them to meat Demo with mo at gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
what's up, guys?
Welcome to demo with mo.
I'm your host, monique simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:29):
I am your host, monique Simmons.
On today's episode, we will bediscussing burnout in
relationships.
If you are listening to thislive, we have not had an episode
, a new episode, in about threeweeks, and I'm starting off the
(00:49):
episode this week before I jumpright into the content of
today's episode.
I'm starting out today'sepisode this way because I want
to be completely transparent andhonest with you guys.
Since I've started Demo with Mo, unless we're on a season break
, I try my best to be consistentwith the episodes.
(01:11):
I release a new episode weeklyevery Thursday, unless I'm on a
season break.
I have consistently done thatsince I've been out with this
podcast, unless, for some reason, there were some things going
on out of my control.
This time there was no seasonbreak.
(01:32):
I just personally decided totake a moment for myself.
That's me being transparent andme actually being vulnerable
with you guys, and I'm sayingthis because that has been the
foundation and something thatI've built this podcast off of.
(01:54):
I've never wanted to presentmyself in any other way.
I pride myself in being thatway.
If I'm being completely honest,I always try to portray myself
to be who I actually am.
Behind this mic, behind closeddoors, when no one's around,
(02:15):
when there's an audience, Ipride myself in actually being
who I say I am.
I always try to encourage youguys, my listeners, those of you
who've been rocking with mefrom the very beginning, and
even those of you this may beyour first experience of me I've
always tried to encourage feelwhat you're feeling, listen to
(02:40):
your body, practice self-care,to your body, practice self-care
.
And as I'm sharing these things, as I'm personally living them
and learning them myself, andyou guys who've been with me for
a while, you know that I'm inindividual therapy, I'm in
couples therapy, so I'm notsaying things to you from a
person who's not actually tryingto live them and grow and learn
(03:02):
myself.
I'm not doing it and I don'tever try to share an experience
from that way.
I mean, I know there are peopleout there who do that and give
information that way becausethey've studied, they went to
school, they have the degrees,they have the.
You know, they have that wealthof knowledge.
(03:23):
That's not the perspective thatI share from.
I share is I'm learning andexperiencing and growing and
living it myself.
I'm not going to share anythingthat I'm actually not trying to
live out myself.
And the reason that I'm sayingthis is because, as you guys
(03:44):
know those of you who've beenwith me for a while and for
those of you who don't know, Iencourage you to go back and
listen to some podcast episodesand kind of gain some insight
and context of what I'm sharing.
Last year, in 2024, I shared anepisode.
It was August 8th of 2024 whenthis episode was released.
(04:08):
It was called Uncovering TruthsA Journey of Paternity and
Healing, and it was a seasonfinale of where I was
interviewed by a friend and wewere talking about me finding
out my dad who raised me,finding out he was not my
biological father, finding outthat year.
(04:31):
We knew it was a chance and Iwon't get into all of that.
We knew I found out at 19,.
He and I found out when I was19 from my mom that he may not
be my biological father, from mymom that he may not be my
biological father.
But after years of that beingup in the air.
I decided myself to go down theroad of finding out and last
(04:52):
year 2024, I finally asked himto do the DNA test and we did
and we found out that he was notmy biological father.
So the end of last year Idecided for my birthday that I
was going to do Ancestry DNA andto go down the road of
confirming the man that my momsaid was my biological father.
(05:16):
Well, since November of lastyear, which is my birthday, up
until now I have been goingthrough that journey of finding
out that information and I won'tget into all of that right now.
I have been going through thatjourney of finding out that
information and I won't get intoall of that right now because I
am not ready to share and talkabout any of that.
But I will say just some things.
As I'm going along this journey, it's a lot of things that I'm
(05:40):
processing, a lot of emotionsthat I'm processing, a lot of
things that I'm allowing my bodyto feel, and I took a moment,
the past three weeks, ofallowing myself to really feel
those things and work throughthose things.
And, if I'm being honest, Istill am, you know, talking
through things with my therapistpraying about a lot of things
(06:03):
seeking out and reaching out tocertain people about this
information and all of thosethings.
It's a lot that goes into thisjourney If anybody has ever
experienced this or know someonewho has experienced this.
It's not easy and and it can bea lot.
(06:23):
So I just took a moment, amoment to just like actually
live it and be in it andexperience it.
Because one of the thingsbefore I started individual
therapy a couple of years agoand I see an EFT therapist,
which is an emotionally focusedtherapist who teaches you how to
(06:45):
actually feel what you'refeeling and actually what's
going on with your body and tonotice and pay attention, and
that's something that I didn'tknow how to do before going into
therapy.
I could talk about what wasgoing on in my life, but to
actually take a moment toexperience it and to feel it and
(07:10):
not rush past it and move on tothe next thing and cover it up
by putting a lot of things on myplate and just being
overwhelmed and just to notactually feel my emotions, that
was something new to me.
So, because I'm actually livingit out and doing the work, I
(07:34):
actually took that moment formyself to feel what was going on
in my life and to take the timeI needed for myself.
So I took a long time to explainto you exactly what has been
going on for the last threeweeks, cause I know if you're,
especially if you are a faithfullistener, if you're anything
(07:55):
like I am I am an avid podcastlistener.
I listen to podcasts more thanI listen to music.
So when my people that I rockwith like that, when it's not a
new episode, I'm looking, I'mlike where are you?
Or like where's someinformation and update, like
something going on?
I know it's not a season breakright now Like what happened.
(08:18):
Like I'm looking on theirsocial media platforms like
what's going on?
Like where's the new episode?
So, for those of you who may bewondering, that's what's been
going on.
So you know, demo with Mo isstill here.
We're still rocking.
But I just wanted to give you anupdate.
I didn't want to just come inand I just like I deal with
(08:39):
relationships in my real life,in my own personal life.
I don't want to just come inand act like I haven't been
missing for three weeks, movingon as if nothing happened, like
I haven't been missing in action, and just go on to the next
thing, like girl, where you beenat.
So I wanted to address that andlet you guys know, like I
(09:02):
haven't been here in three weeksand this is why I haven't been
here in three weeks, but not tojust move on as if it was
nothing For some of you.
You know you may have otherpodcasts that you listen to, you
may be new here, you may justhappen to come across this
podcast today and you may didn'tneed any of that information.
(09:22):
I just shared with you andyou're like girl, what you
talking about, but some of youwho's been here for a while and
wondering where a new episodewas, that information was useful
to you and you probablyappreciate it.
So, without further ado, let'sgo ahead and jump into today's
episode Burnout in relationships.
(09:47):
What is burnout?
Burnout is a state of emotionalexhaustion and negativity
within a romantic partnership,often caused by a combination of
factors like unresolvedconflicts, poor communication,
lack of intimacy, externalstressors and a feeling of
(10:11):
stagnation, leading to feelingsof resentment and a decreased
desire to spend time with yourpartner Essentially, feeling
drained and disengaged from therelationship.
Oh, that was a lot, but thatwas some good information.
I hope you pause, rewind, dowhat you need to do, but really
(10:34):
grasp what burnout means when itcomes to being in a
relationship and can you relate.
Have you ever experienced it?
Are you currently experiencedit?
Are you currently experiencingit?
Is your partner or your spousecurrently experiencing it?
Maybe this is something youguys need to talk about, a
question you need to ask oneanother Key points about
(10:57):
relationship burnout.
These are some symptoms.
So if you're experiencing anyof these things, this may be a
sign that you're experiencingburnout in your relationship
(11:28):
frequent arguments, lack ofmotivation to plan activities
together, difficulty expressingpositive feelings, irritability,
boredom and a sense of distance.
So listening to those.
Are you experiencing any ofthese symptoms?
Because you may hear the titleor the topic burnout in
(11:50):
relationships and you mayautomatically cancel yourself
out.
Oh no, me and my partner aren'texperiencing this.
I'm not experiencing this.
My partner isn't experiencingthis.
But I want you to listen tothose symptoms.
Are we having any of those?
Is my partner experiencing anyof those?
Do I see this in them?
(12:11):
Do I see this in myself?
Do I feel emotionally drainedafter spending time with them?
Are we having a lot morearguments than we used to?
Is there a lack of motivationto plan activities together?
When is the last time we had adate night?
Or when we do have a date night, is it forced?
Are we arguing about who's onscheduling?
(12:35):
Why are you on scheduling, whyI got to schedule it?
Do you have a difficult timeexpressing and positive feelings
affirming one another, or isalways criticizing, putting down
, pointing out the negativethings?
Do you have any of thesesymptoms?
Next, we're going to talk aboutthe causes.
(12:58):
One unresolved conflict, notaddressing issues openly and
effectively.
So that's kind of what Imentioned earlier when I even
opened up the episode like tocome here and act as if nothing
happened, like I hadn't beenmissing, and to move on just
with the episode and not sayanything.
(13:19):
That's kind of how that happens, when you know there's an issue
but you move on with life asusual.
Do y'all do that?
Because that's not okay.
That's unresolved conflict.
If we know there's been anissue between us, something
isn't right between us, we can'tmove on like nothing happened.
(13:39):
That's unresolved, and the morethat begins to happen, the more
that begins to pile up, themore we let things be unresolved
.
You're going to be looking atburnout.
Number two poor communication.
(14:00):
Lack of honest and opendialogue about needs and
concerns.
You need help around the house.
You want to talk about finances.
You feel like you guys aren'tgoing on dates often enough, you
having issues with your in-lawsor extended families.
(14:20):
You feel like somebody'sworking too much or not working
enough.
You want to have sex more oftenor sex less.
Like you have needs, desires,concerns, but you're not talking
about it.
The need is still there, thedesire is still there, but
(14:42):
you're not having open, honestdialogue about it and resentment
is going to build up.
Resentment for one another isgoing to build up.
Number three unequalexpectations.
When partners have vastlydifferent needs or expectations
(15:04):
from the relationship.
Maybe one of you expected billsto be split 50-50, but the
other thought one partner wasgoing to pay the bills 100%.
Or maybe somebody thought thekids would be raised one way and
the other partner thoughtsomething completely different.
(15:26):
Maybe one partner thoughtholidays would be spent with one
side of the family and theother partner thought we would
spend our holidays together as afamily and not with extended
family.
Like you, guys have vastlydifferent needs or expectations
from the relationship, butyou're not talking about it or
(15:48):
coming to a compromise or anagreement about it.
Number four external stressorsWork, stress, financial worries
or major life changes impactingthe relationships.
So sometimes the causes don'teven have to be from the
(16:08):
relationship, it doesn't evenhave to be you guys.
It can be things outside of thehome, outside of the
relationship, outside of themarriage that's impacting you
guys.
Like I said, stress from workMaybe you guys are overwhelmed.
You have a new promotion, maybeyou've lost some employees.
Maybe you're wanting to be upfor a promotion.
(16:29):
You're working multiple jobs.
You're worried about losingyour job.
Maybe you're taking care ofelderly parents, you're having
issues with ministry.
It can be so many thingsoutside of the home that can
affect what's going on in thehome.
Because you guys are inrelationship with one another,
(16:49):
you're married, it's easy,because you're experiencing
burnout and stress and overwhelmoutside the home, that the
burnout will then, in return,affect inside the home, inside
the relationship.
Number five, last one lack ofself-care.
This was one of my favoriteones because I promote self-care
(17:13):
so heavily, because I reallybelieve it's so.
I think people talk aboutself-care so much but people
truly are not practicingself-care.
This one says not taking timefor personal needs and
activities.
A lot of people experienceburnout because they are not
(17:35):
taking care of themselves.
What are your personal needs?
What activities or hobbies doyou have for yourself outside of
your home, outside of yourrelationship?
Like, how do you pour intoyourself?
And then, when you don't pourinto yourself, the main reasons
why you hear a lot of peoplesaying they don't is because I
(17:56):
got to take care of everybodyelse.
I don't have time.
You know it feels selfish, likeit's so many reasons regarding
to other people of why theydon't take care of themselves,
and what will end up happeningis the same people that they're
using as the excuse of nottaking care of themselves.
They will end up resenting thatthey don't take care of
(18:19):
themselves.
You have to make the time totake care of yourself.
The more you take care of you,the more you pour into your cup,
the better your relationshipswill be, the better your
marriages will be, because youwill show up as the best version
of yourself.
It's not selfish.
It's not selfish because to beselfish means the only person
(18:43):
benefiting is you.
The only person you care aboutis you.
Everybody benefits of you beingthe best version of yourself.
No one benefits of youdepleting yourself, you being
the worst version of yourself.
Nobody benefits off of that.
You should be encouraging yourpartner or your spouse.
(19:04):
Please take care of yourself,please do for yourself, please
find a hobby, please findsomething that you love and go
do it.
You should be encouraging that,supporting that, wanting that,
loving that, because they'regoing to be the best version of
themselves and you get thebenefit off of that.
(19:27):
All righty, now let's get intohow to address it.
So we talked about burnout,what burnout is.
We talked about the symptoms,what it looks like.
We talked about the causes ofwhy you experiencing burnout.
Well, how now do we address it?
What do we do?
Because it's not the end, allbe all.
Burnout is you're just tired,you're overwhelmed.
(19:49):
It's something you can do aboutthat, though.
Number one open communication.
Express your feelings honestlyand actively.
Listen to your partner.
So you remember earlier ittalked about one of the causes
(20:10):
is not communicating.
So the opposite of that wouldbe to communicate.
Express your feelings.
Not only express them, butexpress them honestly and
actively.
Sometimes one of our feelingsmay get hurt, but I need to be
honest honest in love Now, nothonest to purposely hurt anyone,
but I need to be honest withthe intention of I love my
(20:33):
partner, I love my spouse and Iwant the best for our
relationship.
So I'm I'm expressing myfeelings honestly and actively
and actively listen to yourpartner.
So not only are you expressingyour feelings honestly, but you
want to actively listen to yourpartner.
So it's not one-sided I'mexpressing to them and I want
(20:55):
them to be able to express to me, and also, when they're
expressing, I have to be able tolisten.
I can't get defensive.
I can't put a wall up I can'tshut down, because it's
something I don't like,something.
I can't put a wall up I can'tshut down because it's something
I don't like, something.
I don't want to hear, somethingthat tells me something about
myself that I may have to change.
I may have to check at the door.
I got to be willing to listen.
(21:16):
Number two set boundaries.
Establish healthy limits andpersonal space.
It is healthy to haveboundaries in your relationship.
I'm going to say it again it ishealthy to have boundaries in
(21:36):
your relationship.
And boundaries is not youtelling what somebody else can
or cannot do, because we cannotcontrol anyone but ourselves.
Boundaries are what you willparticipate in.
I won't sit around if you'regoing to disrespect me or talk
to me in that way.
You can't make a person stoptalking to you that way, but you
(22:00):
don't have to stay in the roomand hear it or listen to it or
participate.
You can leave.
If you will continue to talk tome like that, I'll leave.
I won't allow you to talk to melike that and I remain here and
participate in it.
Your boundaries is what youwill do.
That's what boundaries are,because you can't change anybody
(22:21):
or make them do or not dosomething.
What your boundaries is whatyou will do.
That's what boundaries are,because you can't change anybody
or make them do or not dosomething.
But your boundaries is for you.
Three seek personal help.
Couples therapy can bebeneficial to address underlying
issues and improvecommunication skills.
Couples therapy y'all alreadyknow how I feel about couples
(22:41):
therapy.
I encourage it, I advocate forit, I promote it, I believe in
it, especially when you find onethat both partners agree on,
one that both like.
I don't, if one partner that isnot comfortable is not open to
it.
If you find one and you guysare both not on board about this
(23:05):
therapist, it won't work.
But if you find one that youboth like, that you both enjoy,
that you both feel comfortablewith, therapy, is a great tool,
man.
It's one of the best thingsthat my husband and I did for
our marriage and I highlyencourage it that my husband and
I did for our marriage and Ihighly encourage you.
Sometimes you need third parties.
Sometimes you need that personthat's unbiased.
(23:25):
You need the tools, you needthe help.
You need that person that hasthe resources that can give you
those that can help you withthose underlying issues, those
things that you didn't even knowthat were there, like that.
You were blind to that you guyshave been dealing with and
didn't even realize you weredealing with they.
Just they have the tools thatcan help you with that and
(23:47):
sometimes you need that.
Number four practice self-care.
They're going to self-careagain.
Prioritize activities that youthat bring you joy and
relaxation.
I don't even have to dig intothat one more.
Y'all got it.
I think y'all got it with theself-care.
It's another one to hear it, tounderstand.
(24:08):
It's a totally different ballgame to practice it.
Now you got to put it into play.
What you going to do.
That's my challenge for you.
What's one self-care practiceyou can begin to do, even if
it's just once a month, you andyour partner or spouse?
I encourage you guys tochallenge one another.
What's one self-care practiceyou guys can begin to do at
(24:32):
least once a month?
I would love to know about it.
You guys can email me atdemowithmoe at gmailcom, can
email me at demo with mo atgmailcom.
Wherever you listening to this,it has send a text right above
in the show notes and you cansend me a text and let me know.
I would love to know if you'regoing to participate and you're
(24:52):
going to talk with your partner,your spouse.
If you're not currentlypracticing self-care, I would
love to know.
And if you are currentlypracticing self-care, let me
know.
And today, as I'm recordingthis episode, I usually record
these episodes on my self-careday.
Every Monday is my self-careday.
(25:13):
So this is a lifestyle for me.
I have told you guys I am notgoing to get on here saying
anything that I'm not activelytrying to live out myself.
So let me know, let me know.
And number five, last but notleast rekindle intimacy, make
time for quality momentstogether, focusing on physical
(25:34):
and emotional connection.
Oh, this one was beautiful.
Quality moments together,because, you know, we always
have those.
I don't want to say always, butwe have those moments where we,
you know, we may need to sitdown to discuss bills or talk
about the kids, or even at theend of the night where we may
say good night to one another,good morning to one another, or
(25:56):
whatever.
You have those moments whereyou are together.
But this says make time forquality moments, quality over
quantity Like that time whereyou're intentional about it,
like this is our time together.
This is you and me, this is ourmoment.
This is set aside time just forus and we're going to make the
(26:19):
best of it to focus on physicaland emotional connection.
So I love that it put thatemotional piece in, because
physical, you can interpret thatit is sex.
You know sex is a great thing,but sex ain't the only thing.
You need more than just sex tokeep a relationship going, to
not have burnout, because youcould be experiencing burnout
and still having sex, but itain't quality.
(26:41):
So I encourage you to focus onthat quality time, making sure
you have that time together tofocus on that physical and
emotional connection.
Check in how are you Like really?
How are you doing?
What's going on in your life?
How can I support you?
How can I love you?
How can I show up for you?
Better, like on a scale of oneto 10 this week.
(27:03):
How have I been as a spouse,how have I been as a partner,
showing up for you?
What can I do to make thatnumber better?
If it's a five, how can I getto eight, like what you know?
And if it's a 10, what?
What is it that I did for youthat made it feel like a 10?
So can keep doing it week afterweek, like that check in, like
(27:23):
talk to one another, like that,like yeah, yeah.
I hope you have enjoyed today'sepisode on burnout in
relationships.
If you're not already, followme on TikTok and Facebook at
Demo with Mo and follow ourpodcast group on Facebook at
Dayton Engaged and MarriedObjectives and on Instagram at
(27:46):
Demo with Mo Podcast.
I hope you guys have reallyenjoyed today's episode and
remember to share this withsomeone and I will see you guys
next week.
Remember I love you, but Godloves you so much more.
Talk to you next week.
Bye, I hope you guys haveenjoyed.
(28:12):
Follow me on Facebook at Demowith Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here, live
on my podcast, email them to meat Demo with mo at gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
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